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Confused and scared

(293 Posts)
GracieLoo Wed 03-Apr-13 22:30:46

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

cappuccinodays Wed 03-Apr-13 22:50:11

hi GracieLoo
its awful I know. I am also a lone parent and it makes it much harder suffering with depression/anxiety. I have exactly the same as you, an ongoing script in my mind, am I doing enough etc etc etc mind never stops. Do you manage to get a break at all? do you work?
You are not strange. Have you been to GP?
Do you have anyone to distract you or "break" it?

GracieLoo Thu 04-Apr-13 08:27:06

I've woken up filled with anxiety and already been trying to do loads of things all at once. Plus just got an email saying I haven't got a job I went for. Plus another email saying I won't be getting full deposit back on a rented property. Got to get myself and dd ready, and it's all too much. I'm getting irritated when she doesn't play with toys I've got out for her, but I don't want to be a horrible mum. Got so much to do today, but HV is coming round this am so can't do anything this am. I want to go back to bed and cry.

GracieLoo Thu 04-Apr-13 08:45:24

Sorry I didn't answer the questions, I do work p/t but I hate it, I get a break two nights a month when dd is at her dads, I see cpn fortnightly and on a waiting list for group therapy. I feel like I'm on the verge of losing it, I want to cry and it's all bubbling just under the surface. Put toys out and tv on and dd is following me around. It's not even 9am yet!

GracieLoo Thu 04-Apr-13 22:07:13

Sat crying in the corner of my room, feel like there's no where to turn.

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 02:33:38

Thanks! I know there's nothing now, tried everything and that's it. I can't do this anymore

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 02:53:47

I'm here talk to me please (bearing in mind I'm awful at offering advice!! (and half my buttons on my keyboard have decided not to function tonight!!!

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 02:54:50

What is it you think you can't do???

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 02:58:34

How old is your DD?

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 02:59:15

Listen to me! (and I'm never that strongly worded on MN) Your DD would not be better off without you! You are not going to turn out like your Dad! And there's no such thing as a 'normal' family!

smile

Honestly, I'm not giving you some old flannel because I can see you're upset, this is something legitimate and physical, it might be going on in your head, but it's not 'you' it's the depression.

Do you have anyone you feel you could share this with in RL? If you do have people you can lean on in times of need, have you been actually telling them how strongly this is affecting you and how much you're struggling? Or have you minimised it a bit trying to spare them or out of embarrassment (not that there's anything to be embarrassed about).

Someone needs to know you're feeling on the edge, but someone who can give you the support you need, like your doctor or a family member/friend you're close to.

What do you think could help you to feel better? In an ideal world what would you like to happen? <hug>

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:07:22

well said AgentZigzag I have a 'normal' family hence why I'm up at stupid o'clock mulling over the fecked up world I inhabit. Goodness only knows the effect of my depression on my DDs and DH. But I do know they'd much rather have me here the way I am with all my 'eccentricities' than not have me here at all.
Life sucks like a piece of chocolate on a radiator or a tangled ball of wall sometimes. But rather that than be nothing.

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:08:17

meant to say 'ball of wool'.

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:19:38

Really don't want to go to bed now but I must. Your DD needs you and I need to know you're OK in the morning sad

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 03:22:11

Without diverting from Gracie drivin, I'm feeling your pain on the keyboard front since DD1 dropped custard on mine the other day, and then pinged off DHs backspace button hmm

grin

Totally agree with a certain level of accepting yourself going hand in hand with feeling more comfortable with the damage MH probs can wreck on how you see things as alternating as OK/rock bottom.

I know for sure that my DDs would rather have me as I am, 'eccentricities' (liking how you put it grin) and all, than not to know me at all.

I have so many things I've got to warn tell them about, they need me, and while they do, I'm going to put up with this shit for as long as it takes.

If she could talk Gracie, your DD would say the same. I can say that without any doubt in my mind at all.

drivinmecrazy Sun 07-Apr-13 03:37:05

It's incredible some of the crap my DDs just accept as part of me that they would never accept from DH because I am their Mum and they know that however sad/mad/crazy I am I love them more than anything in this world. Somehow for them that seems to be enough. Always amazes me that my loving them really is enough despite the loathing I might feel for myself.
Our children have an incredible gift which enables them to see through all the garbage we heap upon our selves.
when we become mothers we become something we have never been before. Through their eyes we are invincible we are courageous and brave. That's what your DD sees. That's what she loves and all that she needs.
Hope you're sleeping well GracieLoo and hope the sun is shining brighter on you and your DD in the morning

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 03:47:30

Great post drivin, agree with every word.

Grockle Sun 07-Apr-13 04:00:30

Hi Gracie, I could have written your op. it's awful feeling the way you do. It makes every day a constant battle, doesn't it?

On a bad day I wake up & instantly get that sinking feeling of 'on no, yet another day to get through.' It's horrible. I have to remind myself that it is just a bad patch & that I can get through it. One day at a time. Or even hour by hour.

And keep posting here. thanks

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 13:08:48

Thank u so much for posting. It means a lot. Can't say much right now as I'm burning up and being sick in between sleeping. Diazepam and alcohol don't mix. Dd is at her dads so is fine.

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 20:39:37

I've just read through the responses again and it's made me cry. Dd is 4, but as it's just me and her I really worry that she's going to be damaged being brought up by a depressed and anxious mum. I love her and would do whatever's best, trouble is at the moment I feel that would be not being here. I think she loves me, but I'm not thinking straight right now, and all I'm seeing is how happy she is with others.

Got to go to work tomorrow and go through the motions, feel I'm just existing and not living, of that makes sense. Little voices in my head reminding me of tablets all the time, making the urges greater.

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 20:42:42

How are you doing Gracie?

I'm glad you felt able to post and hope you're feeling a bit better, physically as well as the anxiety smile

Is your DD back from her dads now?

GracieLoo Sun 07-Apr-13 21:01:34

Yeah she is, and that stops me from doing anything. Just climbed into bed fully clothed. Everything is a struggle, nothing is making sense. I don't know if I need help or not, feel like there's nothing anyone can do.

AgentZigzag Sun 07-Apr-13 21:18:50

I X-posts with you with my last post.

Just reaching out and making contact with someone who knows how much you're struggling can make a difference.

But you have to tell whoever it is how you really feel and let them know how seriously you're eyeing up that bottle of tablets.

Resist that urge, your DD needs you.

Who can you think of that you can contact now? I know you can't get motivated to do very much at the minute, but this is so important, you're so important.

Please believe me when I say that, the effort you put into letting someone know so they can help you will be paid back ten fold when you hopefully realise you're wrong and there is hope and they can do something to help you <sneaks in another hug>

Grockle Sun 07-Apr-13 21:34:14

Gracie, I always feel like asking for help is pointless because nobody can change anything for me. Before I had DS, I tried to kill myself. Now, I can't - I have DS & I can never put him through that. Sometimes, I still get those urges, despite knowing that it just isn't an option. Then i feel frustrated that I didn't do it when I had the chance. So, I have to find the easiest way to get through each day safely. It's hard. Very hard. But worth it. When I have an easier day, I notice DS laughing & smiling and it makes it so worth the fight.

Please don't think you are on your own in this. Everything IS a struggle & we can't fix it for you but we can listen. Have you seen your GP? Are you on any meds?

GracieLoo Mon 08-Apr-13 19:48:30

I feel so low, have no energy to even get dd ready for bed, but I will find the energy, I have no choice. I see my cpn this wed, going to change meds soon. I can't fight this much longer, how can I live like this, it's not fair on anyone.

AgentZigzag Mon 08-Apr-13 19:53:06

You're doing really well smile

'I will find the energy'

This proves it.

Try not to look too far into the future, like Grockle says - one day/hour at a time, remembering that each bit you do is a result.

marriedinwhiteagain Mon 08-Apr-13 20:01:14

You are a caring mummy. If you weren't you wouldn't be on here asking for help. Get your meds adjusted; get some support r/l or on here. I'm not an expert but we all need love and we all need to be loved; expecially your dd who needs you.

Call the Samartan's if you need them; call your hv, go to your GP, find someone who loves you. There are plenty of people who do love you and who do care and lots of them are right here. I care about you just from your posts and also for your dd.

GracieLoo Mon 08-Apr-13 20:22:49

I'm useless, can't even make myself a cup of tea. Just lying on my bed, feel like I can't move. My body feels like lead. I'm letting everyone down. I should be tidying up, searching for a job, or at least getting ready for bed properly. I don't know what to do anymore, scared I'm getting worse and I need to tell someone but I don't know what will happen. I feel so numb tho I don't know if I really care anymore, I'm just nobody when I'm like this.

marriedinwhiteagain Mon 08-Apr-13 20:26:39

I'm not an expert. Phone your local Samaritans and get some help right now please. You do care. You need some help - google Samaritans and phone them - they are better placed to help you than me.

GracieLoo Mon 08-Apr-13 20:27:19

Thank you everyone, it actually helps so much to have some support. I'm not a horrible person, I just think this is getting the better of me and I don't want to be here anymore. I cry about missing dd grow up though. My heads such a mess!

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 08:36:06

Woken up with this awful feeling inside of me. Want to reach out for help as think I might be needing it, but I've got to bottle it all up and go to a job a hate. I do text the Samaritans regularly as finding it easier than calling them.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Apr-13 11:21:58

You're probably at work now, but is there any chance you can see someone when you've finished?

You said you're seeing your cpn tomorrow, but did they give you a number you can ring if you need to talk to someone before that?

It's only my opinion, but the fact that you feel ready to reach out for help is a 'good' sign, much worse to know you need help but be unable to take those steps for whatever reason.

Lots of sympathy for you having to pretend everything's OK to go and do a job you hate, just hang on in there Gracie.

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 20:31:26

I'm seeing my cpn but now I'm scared of saying too much. I'm worried I'm worse than I realise and something will happen, or I'll get ignored and made to feel like an attention seeker.

I feel like I'm just watching what's going on, I don't remember smiling the past few days, I feel vacant, avoiding talking unless I have to. Can't really explain it, it's like my brains not working. The worse thing is I feel emotionally detached from dd, and just doing the basics to get through the day. I cuddle her and say the right things but I have to remind myself to do it, that's the stuff I'm scared to admit. Sometimes I don't want her near me. That's so hard to admit sad

nenevomito Tue 09-Apr-13 20:42:23

Depression is an evil bitch isn't it. It sucks all of the good out of your life and leaves you lying on the floor in its wake.

I really can sympathise about being detached and not wanting your DD near you as I go through the same when I'm really ill, but I can assure you that having a depressed or poorly mum won't harm your DD as much as having no mum at all.

You can get through this. You really can. xx

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 21:15:29

It's sounds stupid but I don't see myself as depressed or poorly, it's just what I hear others say. I don't know who/what I am anymore, I struggle most days and have suicidal thoughts, so i'm not normal but think its my fault. Trouble is, on the outside I come across fine!

It's so difficult being a mum, life's all about her now, and all I ever feel is massive guilt. On bad days, we get up, I get her fed, dressed etc, put tv on and hide away in my room. We often go out, tomorrow we're seeing friends as then at least she's mixing with 'ok' people, then once we're home I try to be with her, having moments just lying on my bed when possible. I try my best, but I know it's not enough and it's tearing me apart. I think she's wary of me and my moods, sometimes I even feel she's too grown up and sensitive because of me.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Apr-13 21:36:28

Most parents have a fair bit of guilt over how well they're doing with their children, and 'society' doesn't help because it just piles it on making out parents have to be this kind of saint who always makes the right choices and does the right thing.

It's not possible to live up to that, all everyone can do is try to grope themselves along in the dark making each decision as it comes up, nobody can say how it'll affect their DC in the future.

But what you see as negative things for your DD, I see as pretty positive.

The strength you're showing by meeting her needs is phenomenal, by trying to get help when you know you don't feel yourself is really amazing. I'm not just saying that because I know how bloody difficult it is to make that leap to involve other people.

I really think you should tell your cpn exactly how you feel, and I totally understand what you mean when you say 'I'm worried I'm worse than I realise and something will happen, or I'll get ignored and made to feel like an attention seeker.' but if you're worse than you realise then you need help doubly so, and if you feel you're being ignored, draw on that strength again to tell them more so they fully understand and get their arses into gear.

It's not good if you're feeling suicidal every day, and they shouldn't leave you to cope with that alone.

It could be though that they listen and do something effective so you come away feeling reassured and more in control, I know that's not always the case, but take the risk to tell them and then reassess after the appointment as to how they did?

GracieLoo Tue 09-Apr-13 21:45:25

Thank you so much, what you say makes sense, but it's so hard to think straight and do what's best. I've said about the suicidal thoughts before and was just asked if I'm going to act on them, and try to distract myself. I know all that, I just really don't feel right at the moment. It's affecting my life, dd's life, so I will try to be honest tomorrow. If I don't im going to be so disappointed in myself. Scared. I know nothing will happen, I'll just have to get on with it. Got a plan in the back of my mind how I would end things, it's like a safety net.

AgentZigzag Tue 09-Apr-13 21:56:51

I know exactly what you mean about it being a safety net, it's an option when you've run out of options, and when you know that option is there and you haven't taken it it kind of makes you feel a bit better (well, it does me grin).

Having it there and knowing you have the ultimate control over your life, but that you've chosen not to do it, is control in itself - if that makes sense? You have that control but you've chosen to stay with your DD.

I get that awful feeling when one half of my brain knows all the 'answers' in a 'what would MN say' kind of way, but it's the other irrational side which drags me down so I can't see through the fog to get to a place where I don't feel weighted down by 'life'.

But that's the illness not letting you through, and there is something that can clear the fog, you just haven't found it yet.

GracieLoo Wed 10-Apr-13 20:34:38

Was honest with cpn, I like her and find her good, but I'm on such a low dose and waiting to start new ad's, she said we need to get that sorted. But ive been told i'll get an appt with consultant for a few weeks now and its still not happened. She have me some info on what to do with suicidal thoughts, and sheets to help plan the day when it all feels too much.

But I feel really unstable, and been making arrangements for dd to spent night at relatives so I have an opportunity to end this pain. And having thoughts of buying the pills etc. I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to see anyone. If we see friends, I rush off as soon as I can. I don't want people looking at me, feel they're talking badly of me. I didn't tell cpn this as it's happened since. I don't really know where to go from here, and absolutely dreading getting through the wkend.

AgentZigzag Wed 10-Apr-13 22:18:44

When you say about the plans you have to do the deed I want to say all these things to persuade you not to, to tell you to think differently, make you do what I want, i.e. not do it.

But it's not my place to tell you how I think you should feel, or put pressure on you to do what I say - however much I want to smile

What I will say is that I've been where you are more than once, and still have the (thankfully now) low level in the background feeling quite a lot of the time.

But when I have been at total rock bottom and making my own plans on how to go about it, the bubble that was around me cutting me off from everyone/everything else was just so strong that I didn't think I'd ever be able to fight my way out of it.

The last time I made plans (I can't bring myself to use the proper word for it blush) was 15 years ago, and the biggest thing I've taken away from it is my amazement of the direction my life took afterwards. If I'd have known what was in store for me it would have shored me up and I wouldn't have risked my life.

I met my DH a year and a half after it, married him two years after, and had DD1 two and a half years after. We're still happy and I've been content for 13 years shock This isn't the me who made the plans, I was fucked up, ill, miserable, I still am a little of those things, but not nearly to the extent I was.

What I'm trying to say, is even though I said in another post to try and take things a little at a time, at the same time try and balance that out with not writing off your future, corny I know, but you really don't know what's round the corner and what/who you might miss.

(sorry if that was a bit long)

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 15:56:06

Tried reaching out to all the support today, don't really know what I expect them to do. I think I'm losing it. Pushed and pushed to the new meds prescription, when I saw the GP to get, he asked nothing, like he didn't know me, gave me a months worth with no questions when I've had weekly batches for a while. Feel everyone's completely fed up with me, don't blame them, fed up with myself. Now I can't stop crying and I've got to get dd's tea sorted. Want someone to listen to me.

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 18:23:22

Planning to go out for a drink with a friend tonight, come back and take an od! What is wrong with me?! I can't stop thinking about it. I'll put on a front with friend, not a close friend so no way I can say anything, then come home and lose it, I know I will. I've arranged dd to be out, and for next wkend, so if it doesn't happen tonight it'll happen next week. Pls help, I'm not sure what's going on

nenevomito Thu 11-Apr-13 18:29:26

Cancel your meeting and go to A&E. Tell them you are suicidal. Tell them you've made plans and have arranged for your DD to be away so you can. They will take you seriously and get the on call psych out to see you.

Making plans and arrangements like you are doing is serious stuff and you need help now. I've been where you are. I know you may feel that they won't take you seriously or may think you're making it up, but they won't.

Please go and do this. Suicide is so destructive. ODs can go wrong, and then you'll be alive but with serious physical damage. It will screw your daughter up for life. Please go now. Go and get help.

nenevomito Thu 11-Apr-13 18:30:44

Heck, if I'm near you I'll come with you. I'm taking you seriously. I know how dangerous it is to be where you are.

Wossname Thu 11-Apr-13 18:46:53

Please go to a and e or call emergency cpn number if you have such a thing? You are the very best person to be mum to your daughter. She will never get over losing you. You are important, you matter. You need help at the moment to get through this terrible time you are going through and I am so sorry that you feel so bad, but it will get better if you get help and support.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Apr-13 18:58:46

You know, you can tell your friend.

It doesn't matter if you don't feel that close to them, even if you told someone you'd never met before they'd be concerned and want to help.

You don't know the posters on this thread but we care that you feel like this.

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 19:39:50

So scared, I'm shaking. I'll just go for an hour to meet the friend, can't really get out of it. I've got so good at putting on a front. I told my cpn about the plans in a vague way, she said to use the Samaritans etc, look at the distraction techniques etc. I just agree as don't know what else to say, but these things mean nothing to me, I think it's gone too far for that.

My closest a&e is too far away, I get too panicky about being there. Sorry to worry others. Stupid thing is, I'm worried that I've hot to collect dd in the morning, but yet I'm planning this. I don't get it?

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 19:43:01

And do you know what I hate, in my area there are no crisis teams/numbers you can ring up, even if under the cmht. So you have to go through out of hours GP, which I find scary.

Wossname Thu 11-Apr-13 19:47:54

I am so sorry, I have no experience of how you're feeling but maybe you're still making plans for picking your daughter up tomorrow morning because you KNOW that she needs you. SHE is real and she loves you and needs you and you love her, no matter how hard things are. And this terrible depression and anxiety is not the real you, it needs to be treated.

Don't meet your friend, maybe do something completely different to what you intended so that you break the cycle of thinking you're in? if you call Samaritans and tell them what you've been considering, will they stillhelp you get some help tonight?

Wossname Thu 11-Apr-13 19:50:29

Calling out of hours gp is nowhere near as scary as what you've been contemplating. Please, fuck it and call them and take control of this. You can be treated and you will feel better and you and your daughter will be happy xx

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 19:56:08

This afternoon I felt a strange calm about it all, then got upset about dd needing me but not being right enough for her, then I got agitated and set on doing it. I will just get blamed for coming off the meds and starting new ones. All they care about is medication, not how you're feeling.

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Apr-13 20:23:53

It's much better for you to say how you feel than to worry about how what you're saying is affecting other people (re worrying anyone)

The 'help' you've been offered is woefully ineffective, I'm trying not to say anything that'd make you feel worse, but the cpn offering you leaflets when you've just told her that I found quite shocking, although not altogether surprising given how I've found them in the past.

I just want to shake them awake on your behalf. You're actively looking for help,that part of you which wants to stay,protect and care for your little DD has to find a way through.

GracieLoo Thu 11-Apr-13 22:30:53

I don't think they'll take me seriously until I'm sat there with the tablets, or taken them, or stood on a motorway bridge wanting to jump

AgentZigzag Thu 11-Apr-13 23:10:22

Have you found anything that's helped in the past?

GracieLoo Fri 12-Apr-13 06:50:16

I've hardly slept, so tired my head feels thick and foggy. Woke up with a feeling of dread, got three days of caring for dd, then back to the routine of work/nursery etc. Got no opportunity, got to get through it, until next wkend when I've got 3 days alone. Had less pills than I thought last night, so the bad part of me though I'll get more. No point ringing anyone as I've got to keep safe over the next few days, going to be hard though.

Still really upset about the way GP treated me yesterday, it's him I always see, maybe it was because I had dd with with me he knew I couldn't talk infront of her, or he's given up on me and doesn't care.

Wossname Fri 12-Apr-13 20:00:48

God I am so sorry, have been thinking about you today. You need to tell the cpn or the samaritans or someone. You really need treatment of whatever kind it takes to get you through this.

You are doing so well with so much on your plate. Its shit when you hate your job, isn't it? I used to drink every night to get me through the stress of a job I hated. I bet your daughter is lovely though, so that balances it out I reckon smile

GracieLoo Fri 12-Apr-13 21:38:00

Please don't appologise, I'm not worth worrying about. I feel bad I don't answer questions, I don't know what helps, don't find anything does when I've got that bad.

So exhausted from everything that's going on, it's tiring fighting this. I don't even want to fight it. Spent today manically cleaning and tidying, trying to get some order in this mess of my life! And took dd to the park, she's oblivious I hope. Drew me a nice pic which was nice and made me sad. I must seem so normal on the outside, wish someone would notice. Want to scream at everyone what's going on in my head. Read today about Marion Keys begging her mum to let her end it, I wish people would say to me, if you're struggling so much, do it, we'll be fine!

nenevomito Sat 13-Apr-13 11:01:47

Gracie, I know I keep banging on about this but you're really poorly and you need help. If you had such an awful headache that meant you couldn't concentrate and was do bad you were thinking of ending it all as you couldn't bare the physical pain any more you'd have gone to A&E by now. If you can't do A&E then get back to your GP and tell them straight how suicidal you are. You need to tell them, they won't ask you, you need to do this.

We care about you here and we know it can get better and you don't have to be like this but you must go and get external help NOW.

No one will tell you it's ok to end it as it isn't. You will fuck up your DD. Go and get help.

GracieLoo Sat 13-Apr-13 15:29:30

I don't feel like I'm ill, does that sound stupid?

I'm trying my hardest with dd, she's happy, she's played with a friend this am, I'm now sat in my car thinking about going into the shop. She's asleep in the car, I feel so, so tired. I want to buy a bottle of wine for tonight, and some tablets for next week just so I know they're there. Please don't think I'm a bad mum, I don't drink loads, I always get up to her etc. I think I'm doing a rubbish job as a mum but I don't want others to think so, and no one has ever said so. I just think it can't be good for a child to grow up with an unhappy mum, the younger she is the less she'll remember.

I feel like someone else is writing this, like it's not me.

nenevomito Sat 13-Apr-13 15:35:36

I don't think you're a bad mum at all, not one jot. The fact that you are still doing your best by her and caring for her speaks volumes about how good a mum you are. No one here is saying for one moment that you are bad.

You're right that its not good for your DD to grow up with a happy mum, which is why you need to get help, not end your life. If you do, she will spend her whole life wondering why she wasn't good enough to stop you from killing yourself. She will grow up thinking she's not worth much and a million and one questions about you that no one will be able to answer.

Being suicidal doesn't make you a bad mum, but it does mean you are very poorly. I know about not feeling like you're ill. Right up until I was admitted to hospital last year, I didn't think I was that bad. I was actually really ill and didn't realise how much so until I got better.

I will give you all of the support I can, but I'm not going to stop telling you to go and tell your GP that you are seriously suicidal and that you've been making plans, or go to A&E.

nenevomito Sat 13-Apr-13 15:36:02

Should have read "grow up with an unhappy mum".

GracieLoo Sat 13-Apr-13 16:43:30

I can't get help this weekend as have dd with me, I'm on my own and struggling so much to keep things normal. I am listening to your advice, but deep down terrified. How did you get admitted to hospital? Did you tell your family? That's my biggest fear, them knowing. Wish I could make it look like an accident.

Dd is watching a film, at least she's seen a friend and been out, feel less guilty she's watching it and I'm in another room trying to hold it together.

nenevomito Sat 13-Apr-13 17:33:24

I was admitted after I had a total breakdown, mainly cos I left it too long to get help. I went in voluntarily though. The time after that I stayed home and had home care. They don't admit people unless they really have to. No one told my family, it's confidential.

Wossname Sat 13-Apr-13 19:27:44

Really, you are are worth worrying about. I have been thinking of you again today. If you told your family would they be supportive? You cannot continue like this, you must be exhausted. Please listen to babyheave, she has experience of this and is at the other side of it now.

You sound incredibly strong and like a great mum, so please make someone listen to you for your own sake but also for your daughter's.

GracieLoo Sat 13-Apr-13 20:36:04

I know I can't continue like this, I'm coping on the outside(most of the time) but really crumbling inside. My family would be supportive but I would feel so ashamed, a burden, worried I'd let them down and so much more. I've always been private, and hate crying infront of people. A tiny part of me wants to text a friend and say I'm not too good, but I can't, I'm not that kind of person. I don't like drawing attention to myself. Although I'm being pretty attention seeking on here I know! It's keeping me sane, and I'm so grateful for responses. Wish we could all get together and support each other.

Anyway, starting on the wine, want to numb this somehow. Tonight dd has been unsettled going to bed, not wanting to let go of me, saying 'don't go'. Behaviour I've not seen for a good year or so. Do you think she's sensing what I'm feeling? How awful do I feel now. Wish I had gone when she was a baby then she could be settled with someone else. I'm starting to feel very on edge myself.

AgentZigzag Sat 13-Apr-13 22:04:12

Along with other posters, I also know you are worth worrying about, and if you told anyone in your family there would be no reason on earth to feel ashamed or that you'd be a burden, you haven't let anyone down, what you're feeling isn't a weakness, you're ill.

Posting on this thread isn't attention seeking either, you're looking for support when you're feeling distressed. Given that I'm similar to how you describe with the keeping it in when you're with other people and not liking to draw attention to yourself, I understand the difficulty you must have had to reach out and post, and that shows you have a huge measure of strength and courage to keep on trying to help yourself.

That tiny bit of you wanting to send a text to your friend is a chink of hope, could you try to expand it by writing the text but not sending it until you're ready? Or if you don't feel comfortable doing that, just run through in your head how you'd word it?

Or is there anyone in the family you're closer to than the others? Maybe someone not in your immediate family who you could tell but wouldn't involve your parents/siblings until you felt comfortable? Perhaps you could write an email to them that again, you don't have to send until you're ready, but you might be able to get things down you'd have trouble saying out loud?

Do you think your Mum or Dad might want to know though? I know I would.

You've let us in, isn't it time you let someone who knows and loves you in RL in now? smile

GracieLoo Sat 13-Apr-13 22:20:02

There's a lady I text who is lovely, I used to work with her. She actually works for samaritans. But there is something stopping me, and I know how frustrating that is to hear. I keep thinking she's got her own family etc, I'm not her problem. The reason I can't tell my family easily is we had a very close person commit suicide when I was younger. It is difficult to bring it all back to everyone and worry them. I would explain the best I could why I had to, never blaming anyone but myself.

Find weekends especially hard, and I have to work Monday. I know I'm really not thinking rationally. Nothing makes sense. Wish u lovely people were here in RL sad

Thurlow Sat 13-Apr-13 22:28:19

Gracie, you wouldn't be a burden to your and you should never be ashamed.

I don't know what to say to help you, but I wanted to say that I have read your thread and if there was anything I could do to help, I would.

If you told your family you were feeling ill, without telling them what, would they be able to look after your DD so you could go to A&E?

AgentZigzag Sat 13-Apr-13 22:41:45

Could you take the risk and tell your friend then leave the decision over whether she can help you up to her? The fact that your friend works for the samaritans is very telling about what kind of person she is, it sounds more than likely that she would want to help you and be glad you felt you could go to her.

That is a bit difficult with what happened with your family when you were younger, but when it gets down to brass tacks, given how strongly you feel, they have every right to be worried about you don't they?

Wouldn't they want to be given the opportunity to help you, regardless of the extra stress what happened in the past could stir up?

Although I really do think you should tell people the extent of your pain, I'm torn wondering whether you could just give your family an indication that things aren't right, because the support they could give you for whatever you felt you could tell them would be better than none? You could go on to tell them gradually when you're able find the words for it?

There's good reason for being isolated to be at the centre of so many horror films, because it is so scary.

AgentZigzag Sat 13-Apr-13 22:45:36

Also, don't feel you have to say anything to go along with any suggestions I've made, they are only that, suggestions, I don't think anything of it if you can't do them.

Bakingnovice Sat 13-Apr-13 22:57:44

I have no right to tell you what to do with your life. But please for the sake of the precious, beautiful, amazing daughter you have don't kill yourself. You will leave an impact so devastating on her it will stay with her forever. Every single minute of her life will be marred with sadness and a longing for you. Her first day at school, high school, her engagement, wedding, first child... Your death will define the path her life will take. However bad you think you are as a mum (and for the record you sound amazing), there is nothing worse you can do to her than killing or harming yourself. I'm sorry if I sound judgemental, I don't mean to. But I care about what happens to you and your daughter.

GracieLoo Sun 14-Apr-13 08:12:45

Oh god not another day. Want to speak to cpn on Tuesday, but first I've got to get through today and work tomorrow.

GracieLoo Sun 14-Apr-13 08:52:23

Was woken at 5 and couldn't go back to sleep, knackered. The thought of work tomorrow is panicking me and making my stomach have butterflies, think it's knowing I have to pretend im ok all day in a stressful job. If I don't go in I don't get paid. Just waffling now to avoid doing anything so I'll shut up. Even having a shower is hard! Feel like there's voices arguing in my head all the time.

nenevomito Sun 14-Apr-13 10:29:41

Hi Gracie - I'm going to PM you. Because I've posted about my experiences under different NNs and I don't particularly want to out myself under this NN I'm going to send you the links.

I'm not doing this in a 'look at me I'm so great' for getting through it kind of way, but because I want you to read it and know you're not alone.

GracieLoo Sun 14-Apr-13 18:35:38

Just lying in bed, unable to do anything. Managed to get help with dd for a while, made some excuses up. Got a headache and starting to feel sick now, appetite has disappeared. Feeling closer to getting help now but still think I should just go to work tomorrow otherwise that will be another worry. God, wish someone could just take over my life for a while.

AgentZigzag Sun 14-Apr-13 20:18:16

'Feeling closer to getting help now'

smile

It's scary shit, but we'll be here willing you on.

'wish someone could just take over my life for a while.'

That is such a great idea, I'm sure someone could make a bit of cash offering that as a service, there'd be no end of takers grin

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 01:44:42

Can't sleep, having a really restless night. Telling myself it the wind whistling at the windows waking me up, but I know it's other stuff keeping me awake. Wish I wasn't so useless at reaching out for help as feel so alone. I'm going to really push myself to work tomorrow, just one day, then beg for help, hope I can do it.

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 03:33:29

What is wrong with me, I just want to sleep. Really worried about work now, getting panicky and feeling sick. I can't handle not sleeping, it's never been this bad before sad

Natmu Mon 15-Apr-13 03:55:39

Just wanted to post a hand hold in case you don't get many replies this time of night. I don't have much useful advice but from your posts it sounds to me like the thing that's holding you back from actually going through with your plans is your dd. try to hang on to that thought. She loves you no matter what you think purely because you are her mum.

My DH has trouble sleeping very often. Tonight he snuggled up on the sofa with his duvet and put the golf on the telly to try and send himself to sleep. Maybe try something like that?

I really hope you get some sleep Gracie. Hand holding here. Find that little bit of strength somewhere deep down inside and call out for help.

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 05:27:56

Thank you Natmu, nice to not feel quite so alone. Well I haven't slept much, 3 hours til 1.30, what does this mean? Scared and I don't know why. Might as well just get up but can't even make that decision the state I'm in, feel so strange.

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 09:04:42

About to call my cpn, my hearts pounding. What if she's not there, I can't cope with this!

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 09:05:36

Hearing everyone outside going to school/work, carrying on with their normal lives. Feel like I'm in a bubble.

alwaysworriedtoo Mon 15-Apr-13 09:23:12

I felt a bit like that yesterday. As if I was folded inside my self or a ghost. Its awful. (((hugs)))

Thurlow Mon 15-Apr-13 10:34:48

Hi Gracie, hope you have managed to get through to your CPN and she has been helpful?

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 10:47:13

Left a message for her to call back, I said I really needed to speak to someone. I bet she doesn't call back. Starting to chicken out now. Really worried about my job now, bet they're all bitching about me, had quite a lot of time off. I'm failing at everythin, struggling to keep a job and house or care for dd.

nenevomito Mon 15-Apr-13 11:28:06

Gracie - if she's not called back by lunchtime then call her back again and instead of saying you really need to speak to someone, say that you are very suicidal and are worried that you are losing control.

If she doesn't get back after lunch, call at 2, 3, and 4. They will get the message that you need help. xxx

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 13:18:00

I rang again, she'd popped out again, I said is there anyone else I could speak to as feeling ill. I don't think they're taking me seriously. I've got five hours til I pick dd up, finding it hard to walk let alone drive, body feels so heavy.

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 14:09:21

Spoke to her, seeing her wed am. Don't know what I expected really, seems to be a lack of any kind of crisis team round here!

nenevomito Mon 15-Apr-13 14:29:28

Did you tell her how suicidal you are?

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 15:09:30

I said I've been having lots of suicidal thoughts, and haven't got enough tablets here but the shops just around the corner, I also told her other things I've thought of doing but not even said on her. She asked if I felt I would do anything today, I said honestly I don't know! But the plan was Friday. I said I only slept 3 hours, feel like I
can hardly walk, getting paranoid about people and cars going past, that they all know I'm in here thinking like this. She sounded worried but said can I let my family know, I said I really don't think I can. She said not to worry about work, to call in sick again. She said she's on a course tomorrow but can I see her wed am. She said it's all to do with change of meds and I missed doses of venlafaxine as it was making me sick, but that's been going on for weeks, and I've just started sertraline which I find much easier to take. Thing is it takes time for it to work so I'm going to struggle surely, but I don't know of I can fight these thoughts. I did feel a bit better now she knows.

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 16:40:09

Finally got out of bed, sat watching Friends with a hot water bottle, feeling achey all over. What the hell is wrong with me?! Feel like I'm having a breakdown. Just realised I have nothing for dd's lunches this week, I'm just having tea and cereal. Means I need to go to shops and I want to buy more tablets.

Sorry for waffling on, and sorry if this upsets people, it's my only release at the moment.

nenevomito Mon 15-Apr-13 16:44:25

Oh bloody hell. I'm cross on your behalf with her saying that its down to the change in meds - last breakdown I had was when I stopped taking the sodding things and I was still given a med review and help to get through it. I'm also cross that she's not put you in touch with the Crisis Team to check in on you tomorrow. Leaving you for another day or so when you are feeling like you are becasue she's on a course is ridiculous. The very least she could have done was arrange for a few tranquilisers to help you get through the day.

Sorry if I sound angry, I'm not cross with you or anything you've done, but I'm very cross that now you've been incredibly brave and strong by reaching out for help when I know its difficult for you, that she's let you down. MH services really do leave a bit to be desired these days they really do.

I know you can get through these few days. I'm here if you want to talk things through.

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 19:47:32

She was annoyed the doctor gave me a whole months worth of meds, he has always said 'well you can't overdose on them anyway!'. I have one diazepam left, was told to take half if I can't sleep tonight. Can't imagine living without these thoughts and urges now.

Went to pick up dd earlier and stopped at a cemetery. No idea why. Found it peaceful, there was a grave there of a young mum decorated with cards and pottery saying 'mummy' on it. I didn't even cry, felt nothing, just thought that could be me.

GracieLoo Mon 15-Apr-13 21:31:54

Anxious about not sleeping tonight, I've a lot on my mind, and now I just feel I've ruined everything. Have felt like this for so long now, it's never going to get better.

GracieLoo Tue 16-Apr-13 09:44:14

I need to phone work today to say I won't be in tomorrow, I don't know what to say, really don't want to. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to tell them everything. My cpn has told me to take it off and see her tomorrow, but I'm scared if I say i'm under the cmht they'll say I can't work there anymore.

nenevomito Tue 16-Apr-13 11:16:30

Gracie, it can and it will get better. I know its hard to see it when you are where you are, but it really can.

I'm glad you're not in work today and thats the one sensible piece of advice from your CPN that I'm glad you're taking. I find that 'vertigo' is a marvellous reason for being off work. Its no specific and it can't be proved. I'd go for that if I were you.

GracieLoo Tue 16-Apr-13 12:23:22

I've rang work to say I'll be in tomorrow, and left a message for cpn that I won't make appt. I know you'll say I'm so stupid, but the guilt of not working, and worry of what people will say plus not getting paid, is just stressing me out today. Only got to work that one day, I don't work full time anyway. I'm already anxious about going in but I've done it now.

I've been doing a bit of housework, I can't stand having a messy house, I can go a bit too far but if everything's in order my head can feel less messed up. Exhausted now though and want to sleep but got dd this afternoon.

nenevomito Tue 16-Apr-13 17:06:15

Can you rearrange the appointment for a day when you're not working?

GracieLoo Tue 16-Apr-13 17:53:10

She only works mon to wed, so I'm seeing her next week, although she's left my appt open in the morning, so if I don't make it to work I can go to see her.

I felt calmer earlier but starting to feel wobbly again. Wish I could have a good cry but I don't think I'd ever stop.

nenevomito Tue 16-Apr-13 18:46:36

Please go to see her. Please. You really don't want another weekend like the one you've just had.

GracieLoo Tue 16-Apr-13 19:17:10

All I keep seeing is people at work talking about me, then it'll be harder when I go back, or if I don't there'll be all the forms to fill in and the shame of not working sad I think I can get through one day although I'm scared of breaking down as feel I've holding back the tears for the past week. It does mean I have the weekend, it's going to be a long weekend with dd at her dads, could be ok but could go all wrong.

Also I googled 'breakdown' earlier and was scared to see that the last two days I pretty much covered all the symptoms, but as today was easier I'm not sure? Only thing is I had no energy to go buy stuff or think about things, now I do and it's not good. Dd has been goof today and it's making me feel sad I'm feeling like this.

GracieLoo Tue 16-Apr-13 19:57:36

'good' not goof obviously

nenevomito Tue 16-Apr-13 20:21:28

On the other hand, if you don't go and get help you're going to end up taking even more time off work. Its also better to be off sick than in work not doing well. Go and see your CPN tomorrow.

You are having a breakdown. You know it yourself I think. It can get better but you need to do yourself a favour by going to get the help from your CPN that you got up the courage to ask for.

GracieLoo Tue 16-Apr-13 21:23:59

I appreciate your support so much. It helps to get a response to help get things in perspective. I don't know what I'm doing, what's the right or wrong decision, so someone who's been through it is probably the best person to give advice.

I just wish I had a partner or someone here with me to maybe speak to my boss, tell me how I seem, etc, but don't think anyone would stick with me for that long!
If I could email my boss that would be easier but that would be chickens way out.

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 05:28:16

Awake again, so much going through my head.

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 07:43:12

Am I really wrong to not go to work? What if I ring and they make me come in? Hearts racing, can't think straight, I've got up and got dd ready so surely I'm ok?!

cappuccinodays Wed 17-Apr-13 09:06:40

hi gracieloo
no you are not really wrong not to go to work, you work PT and i think you mentioned this was your last day this week? Why not call in sick and go to the appointment with your CPN?

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 09:20:18

I have, I'm scared. Dd was looking at me so strangely this morning, like she didn't know who I am.

cappuccinodays Wed 17-Apr-13 09:29:50

dont be scared, you have taken positive action and are looking after YOU.
Perhaps your daughter did look differently but that is your take on it, "like she didnt know who I am" that is YOUR thought.. it is due to anxiety and the way you are feeling.. are you going to appointment?

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 10:31:55

Been referred to the crisis team, and prescribed sleeping tablets. Feel like I'm going to throw up.

cappuccinodays Wed 17-Apr-13 11:07:22

can you tell us more about how your appointment went? GL at least you have people in RL to help. You havent been sleeping and this always makes thing worse as you mind is not getting the rest it needs. Throw up because of anxiety ?

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 11:45:42

Felt sick from the anxiety and shock of it all. She was really nice, was going to wait and see about the crisis team but then changed her mind. She's left an appt open for me on Monday again if I don't go to work. Or I'll see her next wed. Just been driving around since, and sat in a carpark just feel numb. Want to go home and sleep but feeling jumpy at home incase anyone comes round.

I suppose I'm glad I'll have the crisis team over the weekend but never been referred to them like this before and not sure what to expect. Will they just call randomly? What if I'm unable to take the call ie dealing with daughter or a friends round, will they discharge me? I know it's for the best but making me more anxious.

nenevomito Wed 17-Apr-13 13:17:25

Hi Gracie, I know you are nervous, but I'm going a snoopy dance of happiness here that you saw your CPN and she's referred you to the Crisis team.

The CT by me are all lovely (apart from one, but meh, you can't have it all). They won't call in unannounced, but they will arrange times to come and see you and you will have a number that you can call when you feel bad. It took me a while to get up the nerve to call when I was referred, but don't be nervous as they won't make you feel silly as it's their job to support you.

Normally they give you a plan of when they're going to see you. If my kids were around, I said they were my friends coming to chat and they just accepted that. They can also get you a medical review with the Crisis team psych to make sure that you are on the right meds and have enough PRN (meds you can take as and when you need them) to get you through the days and nights until you come out of this.

And you will come out of this.

So pleased you took today off and saw her. They don't refer to the CT unless people are really poorly, so I hope you can start to accept that it really is the case.

<carries on doing snoopy dance of happiness for you getting help>

nenevomito Wed 17-Apr-13 13:18:39

Oh and sorry if this sounds patronising, but I am so pleased you've been brave enough to do this as I know how hard you find it. Seriously.

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 15:14:49

I feel so ill physically too, it's like my body's shutting down. Lifting a cup of tea if felt like it weighed a ton, my stomachs been dodgy, and I feel dizzy and walking like I'm really ill. Don't know if this is normal when going through this. Typing is taking forever too. CT are coming in the morning, I'm worried they'll walk in and be like ' you're fine, you look fine to us'. I don't know what to say to them. If I say I'm planning to buy and bottle of vodka and hide myself away with the tablets when dd goes away for the wkend, what will they do?

This all feels so unreal, can't believe it's happening to me.

nenevomito Wed 17-Apr-13 16:52:45

Well I don't think they'll think you're fine. Especially if you tell them the last bit of your post.

will try and reply more when I get home.

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 21:35:20

I don't know if I've done the right thing. What if I wake up tomorrow and feel ok and can carry on? I'm not even crying, why can't I cry? I feel nothing.

nenevomito Wed 17-Apr-13 21:46:40

You absolutely have done the right thing. Based on the last couple of weeks, do you think its likely you're going to wake up tomorrow and feel OK? It would be wonderful if you did, but I don't think all of this is going to go away without a bit of help and support.

I don't know about you, but the last time I was poorly I was so detached from everything that I couldn't cry at all. Bloody howled when I got better.

GracieLoo Wed 17-Apr-13 22:02:08

I don't feel like there's anything to cry about, I feel no emotion about anything. Even work I just don't care now. Seeing the bond between dd and her gran get even stronger the last few weeks. I feel too wired to sleep tonight. Keep typing stuff then deleting it. Just sitting feeling very vacant.

nenevomito Wed 17-Apr-13 22:24:03

You can get through this. Keep telling yourself that, as you really can.

I'm off to bed now, but will check in tomorrow. Hope you get some sleep.

{{hugs}}

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 06:57:57

Woke around 2 last night, and lay there thinking horrible stuff. All the different ways I could do it. Was imagining dd being upset, and I don't feel anything, just matter of fact about it. I don't think any pill is going to take this away.

Got that usual feeling of dread about getting through another day, feel shaky and spaced out. Got doubts I need the crisis team, what if they think I'm wasting their time. I'm not seeing things that aren't there, or hearing voices, apart from the ones telling me to do it all the time.

Need to get up and sort dd's breakfast, seriously running out of food.

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 09:12:07

I'm really on edge, they're coming between 9.30 and 11.30, I don't know what to do. Got a friend to take dd to nursery as I couldn't face it, before she went dd was talking about animals dying. I feel she knows, I feel everyone knows what's in my head! What if they think I'm fine cos I've brushed my hair and got dressed, i don't want to put on an act. God I'm panicking, want to go od now. Sorry for hogging this forum too, probably annoying everyone.

nenevomito Thu 18-Apr-13 09:37:24

The crisis team are not just there for people having hallucinations. Lets face is, constant thoughts of suicide, not sleeping, not being able to get through the day all sound like a crisis to me. You're not wasting their time.

Besides, there's some disordered thought going on at the moment due to the depression. Thinking your DD would be better off if you were dead, for one. Thinking you're wasting people's time for another.

Loads of dissociation, feeling detached, unreal, spaced out. All of these are signs of serious depression.

You've done the right thing. Don't be afraid to tell them everthing.

I'll check in later. Loads of meetings this morning, and believe me I'd rather be on here chatting to you!

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 10:38:37

They've been, I felt so uncomfortable, hate talking to new people. And one was a student bloke who sat taking notes. I don't know how I cam across. They asked who my carer was, and asked if it was my mum. I didn't know who else to say but they took her number and now I feel scared shitless they're going to contact her. They said I have to take their practical advice and stay with her, I asked if a friend could come round instead as I'd prefer that. I think I'll just tell them a friend is coming round and I'm giving her my meds to look after. She said they'll come tomorrow and my mum can be here too. God I just want to run away and hide, don't know how I feel now apart from terrified. I thought they didn't have to tell family.

Also I hate being told that if I really wanted to kill myself I would have done, and wouldn't have contacted cpn.

nenevomito Thu 18-Apr-13 10:55:19

Hi Gracie. Glad you've seen them -

Also I hate being told that if I really wanted to kill myself I would have done, and wouldn't have contacted cpn.

Take it as a compliment that you were strong enough to contact your CPN. I hate comments like that as they can make you feel like they think you're putting it on, but FGS don't try to prove them wrong! They know you're not putting it on as they wouldn't be coming to see you again if they thought you were.

Couple of practical things here - first off, you don't need to have a student there if you don't want to. I've made plenty of students sit in cars before as they were making me feel uncomfortable. Secondly, they can't call or speak to your family without your permission because of the data protection act and your mum doesn't have to be there if you don't want.

But would it really be so bad if your mum knew? You say that she's supportive and she loves you. Why not let her help? You may even find that once you've told her and don't need to pretend any more that you will feel a little bit of relief.

Going on experience my family were really upset, not cross with me - Upset, that I'd not been able to talk to them. It's not a sign of weakness to ask for help, its a sign of strength. Let her in if you think you can so you can have two lots of help to get through this. The CT and your mum. Have a think about it.

Now to get through the rest of today. Can you do something like put a cheesy kids film on or something? I found kids films to be really good when I was ill as nothing bad happened and my addled brain was able to cope with it. Spongebob Squarepants was my saviour.

Shopping - you're running out of food. Couple of practical options. 1) call your mum and speak to her to let her know what's going on. Explain that you need food but you can't cope with going out, or b) get an internet shop in.

take care

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 11:11:42

Thank u, your post has calmed me down a bit. The only thing is I'm put off ringing them in a panic, when I'm feeling on the edge, incase they say they have no choice but to ring her. I thought they would just support me and get me through this. Wish I'd given them a false number.

Think I'll do an Internet shop, but even that seems overwhelming. My mums at work today. But I really have nothing so will have to go to local shop to get basics.

Don't know if I feel better or worse after that visit. Now the afternoon to get through with dd, might need to rely on Disney films to get us through it. Sat in dressing gown with a hot choc at the moment.

Really appreciate your support when you're so busy at work x

AgentZigzag Thu 18-Apr-13 11:19:46

You're doing such a difficult thing, but it's the right thing, for you and your DD.

It must be so scary letting them in and having some control, but at least there's the possibility they might help you find a way through.

I'm so glad they're actually listening to you now, although I'm a bit hmm at them saying that about if you were going to do it you'd have done it by now, how is that helpful to you?? Just ignore them saying that, we know how hard you've battled to fight against those feelings and what it's taken to stay with your DD.

Let your mum and your friend wrap you up and care for you, and try not to be so hard on yourself, you are worth it.

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 11:21:44

I also hate that they keep telling me they don't think hospital will help, as there are very ill people there and it's very loud, not that I want to go to hospital, but it makes me feel my problems are trivial. I know I'm not acutely ill. God i'm so worried about people knowing, I wish everything was just normal.

nenevomito Thu 18-Apr-13 11:34:17

You are acutely ill. <firm>

Hot chocolate, dressing gowns and Disney sound like a wonderful way to get through an afternoon. I'm bloody impressed that you're still managing to look after your DD so well despite being so ill.

Thurlow Thu 18-Apr-13 12:05:55

Gracie, you are ill. But you are bearing up so well, I am so in impressed with you reading this thread. Well done for contacting the CPN and for meeting with them today, that's such a huge step.

Please keep coming back here and talking. I don't have any practical experience I can offer, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm one of many people here listening, and please listen to the advice of people who do have experience.

I agree with babyheave that you should talk to your mum. I imagine it must be so scary, the thought of telling her, but she loves you and will want to help you. Maybe she could come around after work and bring some basics from the shop for you?

Well done, love. You are doing brilliantly so far, keep going x

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 12:54:42

I went to the shop round the corner, got enough for dd until she goes tomorrow, tried to get vodka and got asked for ID! Not been asked for years, threw me into a panic and made me so angry. I muttered stuff under my breath and left, got dd, now home. Feel jittery things are falling apart, not going the way I want. Trying to take it hour by hour and all that, but it's so hard. I'm going to do some art stuff with dd, without getting irritable and fed up! Think she's got used to amusing herself, It's not her fault I'm like this.

nenevomito Thu 18-Apr-13 16:57:52

Taking it hour by hour is a very good idea. will be on later.

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 17:09:59

Really want to go buy some alcohol and make all these thoughts go away. Haven't made it to the doctors to get my sleeping tablets, but was told to take them when dd is not here anyway. I don't think they'll give me many but the thoughts there of having more stuff in the house. The ct said to give my meds to someone, but I said no one really knows, so it's a bit hard to go to someone and say 'do you mind looking after these so I don't take the whole lot, thanks!'. I know family would want to know, but it's best they don't, want it to be normal when I see them and not be the gossip around them all. Everything's a mess, this afternoons gone ok, luckily dd is easy. I can just feel things building up and now I don't trust the professionals to tell people and make things so much worse.

GracieLoo Thu 18-Apr-13 21:35:43

Want to come back to this thread as feels more comfortable. Everything i've done today, in the back of my mind, i've thought this might be the last time I do this. Avoiding speaking to people where possible, texted friends back but easy to put on a happy front by text. A lot of my thoughts are about dd at the moment, ahe's always been my prorective factor, but i'm feeling distant from her, and even more so when she's not here, and I just see her happy with other people. The bad thoughts just take over though, and i'm scared. I don't want to be on my own but don't want to be with anyone who knows me.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 08:22:23

Heads all over the place but slept better, thinking I'm going to say to ct I don't think they need to see me, I'm wasting their time. I don't think I'd ring them anyway so I should let really ill people use their service. I'm not saying this for a reaction, it's what I've woken up and decided. I don't like feeling I'm not in control. It's a friends bday tonight, not sure if I should go or not, as I know I'm not right and it could make things worse, but I want to make the decision. Think I sound selfish but I'm just scared. Don't know what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. Want to scream!

Thurlow Fri 19-Apr-13 08:33:40

Hi Gracie, I'm sure it must be so scary. But could you think again about not calling the CT? Or your mum? As you say, your mum would want to know. You're not wasting anyone's time.

nenevomito Fri 19-Apr-13 09:08:08

Gracie, now you've finally got the help you need, telling them that you don't need it is not a sensible thing at all. Things can and will get better, but you need to engage with the people who can help you.

Keep on going with the CT. Keep away from Google and MH forums which are making you more worried, get your sleeping tablets - I'm guessing you've been given zopiclone - and please consider telling your mum that you're not well and you need help.

Feeling scared, feeling out of control, feeling suicidal. This is not the time to turn your back on help.

nenevomito Fri 19-Apr-13 09:15:37

Instead of focusing on the bad, I'll share something nice about my day.

Spring has finally come to Cumbria. Finally. The daffodils are coming out - they are at least a month behind when they normally arrive and there are so many little lambs around, my longing for mint sauce is hitting an all time high.

Life can be bright and kind, including yours.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 09:58:23

Trouble is infront of family and friends I just say I'm find, play things down and don't tell the truth, I can't help it, it's instinctive, and I've always done so. So I'm not sure it will be beneficial.

Lying in bed with feeling of panic. I don't know what to say or do. Didn't get to show this thread yesterday as wasn't comfortable enough to. Scared of who's going to turn up today, really not comfortable with men. I want my cpn to talk to but she's not at work til mon. Everything's getting worse, I'm not making attempts to do anything right now so I'm fine.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 10:00:57

Ps Thanks for the nice post, did give me a nice image of daffodils in my head.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 11:01:14

They've been, got to see them again tomorrow, and if I ring them it's confidential.

nenevomito Fri 19-Apr-13 12:30:56

Glad you're letting them in to help xx.

Cumbria is beautiful in the spring and the snow has only properly cleared the mountains in the last few warm days. Which is lovely as frankly its been tit-freezingly cold for weeks now. We've also not had much rain, which confuses us as its meant to rain daily. Will the lakes dry up? Oh the horror wink

Its absolutely confidential what happens with the CT. Once you have got around the problem of not wanting to bother people for help, having a number you can call in the middle of the night can be a life saver xx

Gracie, I always read and rarely post. I am so happy you are getting the support you need smile

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 14:19:29

Ok, alone now, what to do? Too exhausted to actually think, need to get the sleeping pills but feel like I can't move. CT said I overthink things but I don't know how to stop. They also mentioned complex needs which has been suggested before, but need to get through today first.

nenevomito Fri 19-Apr-13 16:04:53

Try to muster up enough energy to get out and fetch the sleeping tablets. If you take one tonight quite early that will mean you get an evening where you don't have to spend time alone with your head - which is a difficult place at the moment - and you will also get a good night's sleep, which will really help with your mood.

Its a plan at least.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 16:42:10

Still haven't moved from bed, fell asleep for a bit, feel so spaced out and weird. Really tense, like I'm frozen to the spot. Going through the journey in my head to get to the chemist and I just can't do it, I can't, what is wrong with me? I need to get a drink but even that's hard. Sound pathetic but feel horrible

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 16:56:39

Feel a failure I can't do these things. I stood up and started shaking, couldn't stop my teeth chattering. If I go downstairs I might take the tablets. Sat holding my phone for ages, then rang the ct number and no one answered. Think I'm losing it, and some crazy part of me thinks I'm ok to go out for a friends bday drinks this eve!

nenevomito Fri 19-Apr-13 18:56:05

Try the CT again. Could you ask a friend if they could pick up the prescription, or even (dare I say it) ask your mum if you could come over? At least then you won't be alone.

I should imagine its bloody scary being on your own when your head is obsessing about the pills.

{{hugs}}

Stay talking to us. I have to put the small heaves to bed in a bit but will be around this evening.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 19:10:51

I went and got them, took a good hour to motivate must to go though. Rang my mum earlier as knew she'd worry if I didn't, but she's actually ill and couldn't talk anyway.

Started to do something but think it was more of an urge than anything, so rang ct and it was a man, I couldn't say what I wanted to, ended up sounded up pathetic. Don't know why I can't talk to men. Slowly getting ready to see my friend, have said I'm not feeling great but will show my face for a couple of hours. Hearts pounding at the thought of it, but I can't stay here alone. This afternoons been hard.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 19:57:27

Everything happening tonight is part of my plan, don't know if I'm scared or not, just feels right. I've completey detached myself from things that matter to me.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 19:58:04

And I keep making spelling mistakes, I hate making mistakes

nenevomito Fri 19-Apr-13 20:06:56

The only reason I don't make spelling mistakes is because since upgrading my version of IE, it corrects them for me!

Plans are fine so long as its a good plan. Sitting obsessing about harming yourself or doing anything that could harm you isn't a good plan.

Good for you trying to go out. That's a good plan as it means you're not by yourself. An even better plan will be to tell your friend how ill you are at the moment, but I understand how hard that can be.

Calling the CT was a good plan, even if it was a man who answered. If things get overwhelming again, call them again especially if you are back to thinking of harming yourself.

Next part of a good plan would be to take one sleeping pill when you get home from seeing your friend and having a decent night's sleep.

You can do this. Honestly you can.

AgentZigzag Fri 19-Apr-13 21:43:19

You really are doing brilliantly, and I'm not just saying that, it must have taken so much to call them again, and you did it smile

I meant to ask and don't know if you've said already and I've missed it, but how old is your DD?

For some reason early on in the thread I thought she was only a baby, but your later posts talk about her being older?

I've got two DDs, DD1 is 12 YO and DD2 is 3 YO, bit of a gap grin but thankfully they get on quite well.

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 23:31:05

Anyone still awake? Dd is 4. X

GracieLoo Fri 19-Apr-13 23:53:33

I know it's late, this is the worse time. The plan was not a good one, was hoping to talk to friends but they didn't seem to want to listen, I don't blame them. So now I'm back feeling worse than ever and the urges are there, taking over. I'm scared to ring ct and get the same man.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:14:24

Could you ask to talk to a woman if you got the bloke again?

That would be a totally legit thing to ask for, if you feel you have to (and you really don't have to justify yourself in any way to them) just say you'd feel uncomfortable talking to a man, no need to say any more.

Did you say anything outright to your friends? If you didn't, try not to take it as a knock back that they can't be arsed with you, there could be lots of reasons why they didn't say anything.

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 00:15:31

Just phoned the ct and they said I'm not on their caseload. They can just sod off, now I know where I stand. Feel utterly worthless now.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:28:49

Oh FFS!

What are they like??

You're not worthless, it's definitely them and not you.

Did they say whose 'caseload' (how to depersonalise someone in one easy step hmm) you are and how you can contact them?

It's really not on for them to make you feel you're too much trouble.

You're not, and they should be helping you to have contact with someone who can help you, not making you feel like this.

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 00:38:39

They rang back and said it was their mistake. But by then I'd started taking a few but haven't told them as the woman was so impersonal. The phone kept cutting out, then when I finally spoke to her she asked what the problem was, I said I'm sat with stuff infront of me, couldn't talk to my friend etc. She said can I move the pills away, I said yes (but didn't). It felt false talking to her. I then said I don't feel like talking anymore, and she said she'd get someone to call in the morning. Crap!

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 00:48:49

I'm going to ask you to move the pills away as well, but in a personal and caring way.

Please put the pills right away from you pet, down the bog preferably, you've made it this far don't let this fucker get the better of you <stern, in a friendly kind of way, face>

Whether you think you're worth it or not, I think you're worth it, and I know - for sure - without any doubt, and I'm 100% on this, your DD would say the same.

How many had you taken? Should you be ringing NHS direct?

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 00:53:45

I'm not ringing anyone else. Haven't taken enough, felt too sick, left then downstairs and lying in bed. Took about 8 paracetamol and a few ad's, pathetic. Wish I could stomach more.

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 00:58:33

I shouldn't be saying this stuff, just ignore me pls

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 01:04:37

Well I'm glad you couldn't stomach any more!

You have to try and anchor yourself to your DD.

(I think, can't find the post now) you said you see her with other people and she'd be happier with them without you, that just is not the case at all. Your DD having good relationships with other people (like her grandparents) doesn't diminish the love and bond she has with you at all.

She won't be OK without you.

I feel like I'm emotionally blackmailing you by using your DD but I don't mean it like that, I'm thinking about it in a realistic way of the bond children have with their main carer, and how such a traumatic thing happening to them can break their spirit.

The love you have for your DD comes over in such a strong way on this thread, I know you're fighting against doing that to her, don't give up that fight.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 01:05:38

You can say whatever you want to us.

We're not judging you in any way.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 10:39:54

Morning smile

Did you manage to get some kip in?

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 11:18:30

Thanks for being there last night. Got 4 hours sleep so feel terrible. Just seen ct, had a good chat, and found out I do have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. I asked when was I diagnosed as I've never been told! She's getting me some info on it. It helps a bit to explain why I'm feeling like this.

Feeling wobbly, spaced out, and a thousand thoughts going through my head, but I'm going to try to have a nap, then tonight def take a sleeping pill to get me through this. Still got plans to not be here, but I am! Got to see ct again tomorrow, starting to accept I'm ill. Bloody scared.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 11:42:14

It does help having a diagnosis, not only putting a name to the face of your symptoms and being able to research what it's all about, but finding specific support groups and knowing you're not alone and there are other people going through the same thing can make it a bit less isolating.

You have some plans for today and tomorrow smile and sound very determined, especially like 'but I am!' and 'starting to accept I'm ill'. I know that doesn't mean you're all better and everything's going to be OK, but they're small but solid steps.

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 16:40:53

I hate this feeling that nothing is real. I feel and look minging, but I don't care. I know I've shut myself off from the world, and hiding away in bed, but it's the only way I feel safe right now. Having thoughts that od'ing is not going to work, thinking of other ways, but trying to push those thoughts away, really am. Jumping off a bridge is tempting right now, but will make do with the sleeping pill tonight to knock me out.

Absolutely terrified of going back to normality next week, ct said going back to work will be a distraction and they'll carry on supporting me. All feels completely overwhelming though.

AgentZigzag Sat 20-Apr-13 17:03:24

Isn't being overwhelmed because they've started on the road to helping you better than being overwhelmed because you're coping with this on your own with no lighter bit at the end of the tunnel?

Just give it some time, and yourself, these are big things and no walk in the park.

(and without getting into the best way to do it, don't jump off anything, I had a friend who had schizophrenia who did it off a car park, and it wasn't an instant/painless way to go sad)

nenevomito Sat 20-Apr-13 18:06:27

So pleased to hear that you're accepting that you're ill and also bloody joyous that you're still accepting help from the CT. Please stop taking paracetamol though. Its a very unpleasant way to go. There aren't any easy ways to go.

Excellent plan to take a sleeping tablet and get some sleep tonight. Can't be on much tonight as I have stuff on, but will check in x

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 23:09:22

Taken the sleeping pill, don't feel sleepy yet. Been the longest day, was in a haze for most of it. Eaten 2 pieces of toast and an apple, forgetting how to function properly.

Starting to regret this weekends nearly over and I'm still here. Suicidal urges are still strong but I've no energy to do anything. Maybe after more sleep. But then dd will be back and I'm back to square one. So scared of being left to get on with all this.

nenevomito Sat 20-Apr-13 23:21:06

Hopefully it will kick in soon. Any chance of taking a bubble bath or something else relaxing before bed?

GracieLoo Sat 20-Apr-13 23:48:35

I'm already lying here, feel sick and anxious. Don't want my life to be like this. How can dd cope with a crazy mum. The diognosis just slipped out when the nurse was talking, and it upset that's been done for a while and no ones discussed it with me.

Ok can't see straight now, be good if I wake up in a week, or better, never. Don't feel like I want to alone, my fault though. I hope I sleep

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Apr-13 00:02:03

With your diagnosis, did they all think someone else had discussed it with you and nobody checked to see who'd done it? Or could they have talked to you about it when you had bigger things to cope with and weren't able to take it in?

Is this a good opportunity to talk to them about it now?

Could you get any questions about it you have together to ask them about tomorrow?

Maybe you could ask them about why it's the first you've heard about it?

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Apr-13 00:03:13

Oooh, overdone the questions in that post I think, sorry grin You don't have to answer.

GracieLoo Sun 21-Apr-13 07:55:17

Slept longer but feel groggy and can still taste the zopiclone, it's yuck. Hate waking up with that awful feeling of 'omg, another day, something bads going to happen'. Then takes a while to be able to get out of bed, making a drink seems a mission. This must sound silly to some people.

With the diagnosis, I've had different assessments when I've been referred for psychology/day hospital etc, so assuming this is when it was decided? But my then cc never said anything, and I remember asking if there was anything and she said it's not always beneficial to have a diagnosis. I will talk to my cpn about it. Have had to cancel appt with ct as plans changed and I have my dd. They said to phone them tonight. Makes me feel very uneasy I now have three days until I see anyone as have to work mon and tues.

GracieLoo Sun 21-Apr-13 09:34:52

Really struggling this morning, don't feel strong at all.

GracieLoo Sun 21-Apr-13 16:26:57

With family this pm as means dd is entertained and happy. Feel like a spare part, got no energy and feel fuzzy headed. Snuck away upstairs for a sneaky lie down on the spare bed. So worried about going to work tomorrow and how I'm going to handle being there feeling like this. And will have to have the back to work chat, and put up with people asking why I was off. Ct were trying to arrange when to see me but it's impossible on my work days so reckon they will discharge me back to cpn. I don't want to do this anymore! Don't want to bs near dd, I'm horrible

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Apr-13 16:52:36

You're not horrible Gracie!

Do you feel able to give an indication to anyone in your family that things aren't maybe as good as they could be?

If you're at your mums hope she's feeling better.

Just give the people at work a generic answer, parents are always picking up lurgies when they've got a child at school. And try not to give a shit whether they believe you or not, even if they're asking because they care about whether you're feeling better it's not really anything to do with them.

The ct have to help you round what hours you have to work (well, you'd hope they would) I want to say they maybe need a bit of time to get their shit together, but any time they're not helping, you're having to live the minutes/seconds of feeling like you do. That's not OK.

GracieLoo Sun 21-Apr-13 18:01:41

I really want to hand in my notice tomorrow, or just not go back. I know I should care but I don't. I know the week off has made it harder to go back, but I feel like crying.

There are too many people here, going home soon as I can't stand it much longer. Dd hasn't really noticed me, apart from saying 'mummy doesn't like me, she's frowning at me' at meal time. I don't mean it, just feel so irritable and on edge.

GracieLoo Sun 21-Apr-13 20:39:59

I know there's no one around this eve but I need to get this off my chest before I go mad! I had an awful day, family did see I was struggling and took over with dd to help out. Felt so tense driving home and really wanted to flip the car. I don't know where to go from here, where's my life going, everything's a mess and i'm turning into a selfish, impatient mum who can't do anything. Feel in a bad place right now.

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Apr-13 21:12:04

It's good your family were helping out with your DD, but it doesn't mean you're a spare part, it means they love you and want to ease your burden (not that your DD is a burden).

Did they ask why you had to go for a lay down?

With your job, could you give the ct a bit of time to try and help you before you made any decisions about it? You've stuck with this (life) so far, don't give up on it yet.

GracieLoo Sun 21-Apr-13 21:30:09

I don't what to do! I'm so stressed about everything, being so pathetic.

No, no questions were asked! Guess they're just used to me. I think I will hand my notice in and deal with the consequences. Things can't get worse, well I suppose they can and i'm making things worse but i'm not thinking straight and feel scared all the time.

AgentZigzag Sun 21-Apr-13 22:42:06

I really want to reassure you it's not being pathetic for this to be scaring you and spacing you out.

Anything I say like try to keep calm and try not to overthink things just sounds so lame because I know it's not as easy as thinking your way out of it.

If only eh?

Can you manage without the job? Will it isolate you further even though it's a struggle to keep it inside while you're there?

GracieLoo Mon 22-Apr-13 06:43:45

This is so hard, anxiety is it an all time high, feeling shaky and leaving it to the last minute to get up. Got to get myself and dd ready and it's too hard. But I have no reason to not go to work, just my stupid head messing about.

GracieLoo Mon 22-Apr-13 12:20:19

Really, really struggling. I'm not able to do much, no confidence or motivation and trying not to cry. I don't think I can do this again tomorrow, making me feel worse.

cappuccinodays Mon 22-Apr-13 12:36:19

hi GracieLoo
are you at work?

nenevomito Mon 22-Apr-13 13:09:40

Hi Gracie - sorry for not looking in much, but a busy few days. Well done for getting into work. Keep going - you can do it.

GracieLoo Mon 22-Apr-13 19:23:56

Made it through a bloody hard day, horrible. I know it's good I went, but I'm really doubting my abilities to do it. Feel crap, and I know I'm repeating myself but don't see a future. Don't want to be here. I've never felt this bad and nothing's making me happy, things that should such as dd. Our bond, if we had one, is being damaged. Not seeing any hope. Sorry to be so negative. And don't worry about not always being around babyheave, really appreciate your support, you don't have to apologise.

GracieLoo Mon 22-Apr-13 19:52:35

Had a call from ct and got a meeting with them and cpn on Wednesday to discuss me getting discharged back to cmht. Started crying on the phone, and now can't stop. I know they can't support me for long but feel like a fraud, and feel crap as I don't feel better. Yes they got me through last wkend, but I've got to get through other times. I don't want to rely on people, can't be looked after 24/7. And i'm not planning anything tonight so don't need their care. Chest is tight and urges are bad, but dd is here so.. Was thinking of finances earlier and dd would be ok for the future. I need to have a good think about things.

nenevomito Mon 22-Apr-13 20:39:48

I'm a bit cheesed off with them referring you back to the CMHT when you're obviously still in crisis. MH services are so pared to the bone, they can really let people down when they need support. You're obviously still not well FFS.

As for your DD, she's still much better off with you alive, even if you're poorly. If you're poorly you can get better - and believe me you CAN get better. If you're dead you're dead and she'll never get her mum back, ever. That's one heck of a shit thing for a kid to go to.

Doubting your abilities to do your job will go away once you're out of this really bad depression and when you're well you'll be able to feel happy again.

Don't worry about being negative. It comes part and parcel of that horrible illness.

GracieLoo Mon 22-Apr-13 21:12:11

Well they obviously think i'm ok, or faking it, whatever, i'm beyond caring now. I feel numb and stuck in a black hole with no way out. I get told only I can help myself, and i'm failing at that so don't know what else to do.

Not comfortable when I see or speak to ct anyway, liked one lady but never know who you are going to get. I think i'm desperately crying out for help, and someone to tell me what to do, but deep down I know it's down to me. I just see one way out though. Told ct the other day dd will be ok if people explain to her, mummy was ill but loved her lots and it's no one's fault.

nenevomito Mon 22-Apr-13 22:13:32

Nope, not one way out. Two ways and the getting better way is the one you need to work on.

GracieLoo Mon 22-Apr-13 22:31:05

Cried so much, eyes are stinging, need to try to sleep soon. At least I'm crying now I suppose, don't know what's worse though, feeling numb or uncontrollable crying. This place is only place I don't feel alone. Btw, family have guessed all is not well, just waiting for the right moment to tell them about the bpd diagnosis.

GracieLoo Tue 23-Apr-13 11:09:42

Written my resignation letter. Not sure if it will effect any benefits but hoping to get another job before it comes to that. Probably not doing myself any good but i'm just so miserable.

nenevomito Tue 23-Apr-13 11:15:52

How are you doing to manage financially if you quit your job? You will not get Jobseekers as you've made yourself out of work and will struggle to get other benefits.

I know you're miserable, but resigning your job will leave you in a whole heap of mess. Going off sick is better that resigning. If they make you redundant due to competency (i.e. your illness means you're unable to do your job) you will be able to claim.

If you leave you will end up with nowt for at least the first three months.

GracieLoo Tue 23-Apr-13 14:21:51

I haven't done it but feel disappointed in myself. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, always making wrong decisions! So tired, I just want to sleep and not wake up. And I've got that meeting tomorrow with cpn and ct which I know will upset me.

cappuccinodays Tue 23-Apr-13 14:50:23

GracieLoo
I think when you are feeling as you do, it isnt wise to make such decisions as to quit your job. I wouldnt make any decision other than deciding to give yourself a chance at getting better and getting that support. You are preempting that the meeting tomorrow will upset you. It may well make you feel a whole load better.
Hang in there and keep posting and give yourself a break as much as you can

AgentZigzag Tue 23-Apr-13 15:57:24

I agree it's best to go off sick than resign, I had to do that when a job I had was making me really ill and they still paid me until it was clear I couldn't go back.

It's not your fault you're ill, so why should you have to suffer even more because you're finding it impossible to go into work?

If you're going to look for another job does that mean it's this job in particular you're finding difficult?

GracieLoo Tue 23-Apr-13 19:24:07

The job just adds to the stress but at the moment I think any job will be hard, I'm just finding most things hard. And the longer I leave things I need to do, the worse things get. Waiting for a call from the ct, but I don't know why they're bothering. Just got in, too tired to talk to someone I don't know, I'm too tired to think and I don't know what to say. Think I'll just say I'm fine and they can support people who really need it.

GracieLoo Tue 23-Apr-13 19:44:34

Hate speaking on the phone! And now because I didn't say a lot I won't blame them for discharging me tomorrow. Feel like such a fake. Don't want to see anyone or do anything, everything is pissing me off! They asked if i'm suicidal now, well i'm not actually going to be hanging off a bridge or swallowing pills every time they call. And when I rang them at the weekend, they were useless anyway. Want to scream, feel so ashamed, want to run away.

nenevomito Tue 23-Apr-13 20:34:44

When they ask you if you're suicidal, if you are having suicidal thoughts you need to tell them that. They know you're not going to be acting on those thoughts when they call you, but they do need to know if you're still having all of those thoughts.

Talk to them honestly about how you are feeling, about how tired you are and how you can't cope. If you don't they will discharge you back to your CPN. If they DO discharge you back to your CPN, ask about what other support they can offer you as you are still struggling.

GracieLoo Tue 23-Apr-13 21:32:46

It's the feeling of detachment from dd that is hard to deal with. As before she has been the protective factor and I feel like i'm distancing myself from her in preparation. I know that sounds horrible, she's not being neglected in any way, it's just how I feel in my head. Getting paranoid about things again, and feel people are snooping around my house looking for signs of how i've been feeling, or people are talking about me all the time.

Family are ringing and texting me as they're getting worried, that is making me feel worse, but I just can't bring myself to say anything and worry them even more. I'm isolating myself but it's how i'm coping right now. I don't want to be under the ct anymore, just dreading the meeting.

GracieLoo Wed 24-Apr-13 08:52:18

Don't want to go to the meeting, not in a good mood at all today. For some reason this sunny weather isn't helping, probably because everyone else is happy and loving it, and I feel crap inside.

cappuccinodays Wed 24-Apr-13 09:16:44

Morning Gracieloo, I hope you managed to get some sleep? Im also pleased you keep checking in with us. what time is the meeting today? It may seem like "everyone else" is happy, but truly that is not the case. Go along to the meeting with an open mind, if possible, and let us know how it goes :-)

GracieLoo Wed 24-Apr-13 10:20:43

Had the meeting, feeling very emotional. Got discharged. They were happy for that to be the case, seeing cpn in a weeks time. Was told to try to spend some time with dd and take things easy. I don't know why but feel terrified of trying to be 'ok'. Think it actually helps when others can see you need support but when they see you're doing better it's actually quite scary for some reason.

GracieLoo Wed 24-Apr-13 12:40:07

Keep crying, feel sick, don't know if I made the right decision or said the right things. Just went to call cpn but then thought she's probably not available.

cappuccinodays Wed 24-Apr-13 14:11:15

perhaps you are better than you think? although i know this can change hour by hour, day by day? they are always there, the crisis team...what are you crying about in particular, or are you not sure? do you think it is fear, relief? at least you can cry and it is providing some sort of release. how are you now?

GracieLoo Wed 24-Apr-13 15:38:03

I don't know why I was crying, feeling of hopelessness just came over me big time. Maybe I am doing better than I think, wish my brain would realise that! Was stupidly pleased I managed to do the food shopping earlier, although haven't managed a shower today, look so rough. Doing the best for dd but feel like I'm going through the motions. Taken my last diazepam so feel calmer now, but really low.

GracieLoo Wed 24-Apr-13 19:55:08

Around midday I called cpn as got in a state and wasn't thinking straight. Couldn't pick dd up so asked a friend to, I'm such a mess mentally and physically. Anyway she never called back and she'll not be in until mon. Not sure how I'm feeling, but no enthusiasm for anything, I know I can't end this until another weekend I don't have dd, but feel I can't wait that long. I know I'm repeating myself, but nothings changed, meds are the same, back to weekly contact with cpn, but actually things feel worse as thought I'd get out of this with ct contact.

The last few weeks I've moved house not out of choice, tried to get a new job with no luck, and starting seeing someone who keeps contacting me but I feel in no state to start dating, but scared I'm missing out on a relationship. I just want everything to go away, I'm irritable with dd, she deserves more than I can give her. Want to od so badly.

GracieLoo Wed 24-Apr-13 21:27:39

I'm sorry i'm being a pain, but feel really agitated and on edge this evening. Starting to have all the same thoughts again, seeing no end to this and I want to talk to someone and I can't now. It's my fault i'm feeling alone now, too much in my head that doesn't make sense. Feel let down by the mh services but i've actually let myself down. Want to get in my car and find somewhere to be on my own to do what I want. So desperate, think my head's going to expode. Everyone's so fed up with me, I would be too.

GracieLoo Thu 25-Apr-13 07:42:53

Disturbed night, feel shaky and spaced out. Hearts pounding, can't bear the thought of another day. Finding smallest of tasks difficult, know I'm being totally pathetic, just want to cry.

nenevomito Thu 25-Apr-13 11:25:35

Can you call your CPN again or see if you can talk to someone else in the department for help? If you get really bad in terms of thoughts of self-harm then you can call 111 for assistance.

Few things
1. Moving house is up there with one of the most stressful things you can go through, so that will be contributing.
2. Work isn't going to happen when you are feeling so low as you will have difficulty 'selling' yourself at interview.
3. Poss not a good time to start a new relationship.

A good idea would be to go and talk to your family and ask for help to get through this. I know you're not keen on it, but I am guessing that they have already noticed that things aren't right and keeping them shut out helps no one. Hope you can find the strength to do that x

GracieLoo Thu 25-Apr-13 17:17:03

Sorry shouldn't have two threads going, will just use this one. Feel like giving up now, it's too much. Things aren't getting better and I've failed at asking for support, so that's it. Giving up the fight. If I could now I would.

GracieLoo Thu 25-Apr-13 21:49:03

I'm so tired and should just go to sleep, can't concentrate on anything, tv is just irritating me. Too much going on in my head though. Trying to spend nice time with dd but she's not in the best of moods which I know is down to me, so I don't know if I'm doing more damage than good. I wish I could just say to someone, have her for a week, let me just stay in bed and hide away. But that's not going to happen, I'm on my own, and think I want help. Want to tell family about my diagnosis but finding it hard, waiting for the right time. But keep thinking it's too late now. Maybe I should do something to take away this awful pain, then they'll know.

monika11 Thu 25-Apr-13 23:30:56

sorry for your situation Gracieloo. sad
can your mum look after your dd for a while, or dd's father could look after her?
maybe you need some time on your own to recover, recharge your batteries?

GracieLoo Fri 26-Apr-13 08:18:23

I can't ask them to have her any more than they do. And with all the stuff going on in my head, it's worse when I'm on my own, although I'm planning to be on my own tonight.

Why is everything so hard? I can't even decide which clothes to put on dd. Just gave up and lay on her bed. Everything feels in slow motion. I look a mess but don't care, been going to bed half dressed, not cleaning teeth. I don't want to see anyone but I know isolating myself is making things worse, but I can't get myself out of this. Just need to get dd to nursery then come back to bed.

GracieLoo Fri 26-Apr-13 10:22:44

Ok I've rang them, another cpn is going to ring me back. Don't know why I'm doing this. Anxiety is through the roof!

GracieLoo Fri 26-Apr-13 20:13:05

Hearts pounding and feeling shaky. This is getting harder. Want to say so much but said it all before and it doesn't matter now anyway

nenevomito Fri 26-Apr-13 20:17:15

Did someone call you back?

SnowyMouse Fri 26-Apr-13 20:17:25

Did a cpn ring you back?

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Apr-13 22:42:47

Hope you've managed to get some contact/support from them.

GracieLoo Fri 26-Apr-13 22:58:58

Been driving around, feel in a daze. Trying to work out what to do. Nothing seems to be going right. People keep saying things will get better, but all I can think is I want to die so badly. Wish I could do it without hurting others.

A cpn rang back, was lovely, I got upset, said I was struggling. She said she didn't know me so what would help etc. In the end we agreed I would throw away spare meds (I didn't), stay at my mums(I didn't) and phone out of hours if I have to. She'll get my cpn to call me on mon.

nenevomito Fri 26-Apr-13 23:27:36

They were really sensible things to agree to. Why not go to your mum's tomorrow?

I suspect she'll know that there's something wrong and wants to help, you need to let her Gracie, so you can get through this weekend without struggling so much - or at least struggling somewhere you have support.

AgentZigzag Fri 26-Apr-13 23:30:40

This is only going on what I've read of your posts and my own experience (so not trained etc), but are you turning away help and care because you don't feel you deserve it?

That it makes you feel uncomfortable/(dis?)stressed when it's offered because you have such a low opinion of yourself that it feel as though it's deceptive to take them up on it because you think you're not worth it and can't understand why they can't see the same person you do?

I'm only asking because I've felt/feel the same and struggle with it.

GracieLoo Fri 26-Apr-13 23:34:06

I'm seeing her in the morning so can't do anything now no matter how much I want to, I don't want her and dd finding me. Just need to wait for the right time. Might have to be next weekend which feels too far away. Sorry for saying this, I just think now, it's not about getting better, that's too hard and taking too long, it's when I can stop this pain.

GracieLoo Fri 26-Apr-13 23:37:04

Yes agent, I think all that. I don't understand why people want to help. I'm obviously a selfish messed up person for being like this. And now I've been told it's a personality disorder, I can't be changed and I can't live like this and ruin dd's life.

nenevomito Fri 26-Apr-13 23:48:29

I do wish they'd rename 'personality disorders' as frankly it makes my blood boil to see it as its no sodding use as a diagnosis at all. The latest about BPD is that they are considering re-classifying it as a kind of PTSD. There's nowt wrong with your personality. Frankly you seem lovely!

BPD is treatable and DBT therapy is very successful, so the 'no cure' thing isn't so. BPD also seems to be the trendy diagnosis at the moment and you can challenge it if you don't think its right. Lastly, and most importantly, your main diagnosis at the moment is depression and that can be treated and you can get better with support.

Depression can be cured. When you're not depressed you can work on the other stuff that can contribute to the depression. You may even find that when you get your life back on track the symptoms of the PD go away.

You are treatable, you can get better. I know I keep banging on like a broken record, but you can.

If you want to do the right thing by your daughter, talk to your mum to let her know what's going on and that you need help. Keep working with the services to get support while you get through this and get well. That is much better for her than you not being around. Please don't ruin her life by taking your own. Keep fighting instead.

dogsandcats Fri 26-Apr-13 23:57:12

Hi GracieLoo
Having read some of your previous threads, I think the death of your dad has had a massive impact on your life.
Have you ever had any professional help to help you deal with that?

I believe, like babyheave, that you can get better.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Apr-13 00:19:08

My knowledge of BPD is very limited, but I thought it was known for having a good success rate for the treatment? (although I know it's not as straight forward as that sentence suggests)

I can understand the pain of loathing a part of yourself and the thought of having to live with this part makes staying here feel like you're getting a raw deal, but from the posts you've written, you come across as such a caring and thoughtful person Gracie.

That's not me saying what I think you want to hear, the love you've described for your DD and your family doesn't add up to make how you've described feeling about yourself.

The other thing I wondered about was whether your anxiety was making you reluctant to feel 'better', because part of having anxiety problems is always feeling that 'impending doom', that the moment you start to relax, something awful will happen.

It's a bit of a catch 22 situation where you feel the impending doom which makes you stress, but you can't reduce those levels of stress because if you do you start to feel something terrible will happen, which bumps up the level of anxiety...

(I'm just thinking out loud so ignore if I've read too much between the lines for my own good grin)

GracieLoo Sat 27-Apr-13 08:12:05

Thank you, I have read through what you've all said and the rational part of me knows you are talking sense, and things can improve. It's just I'm caught up in this awful depression, seeing no way out, and the bad thoughts and urges take over. I haven't had proper counseling as such, had psychotherapy but it was quite CBT based. On waiting list for group therapy but don't see how it will help. Feel too far gone, too damaged.

Took a handful of meds last night to knock myself out a bit, still slept badly, kept waking up in a panic. Feeling woozy and fuzzy headed this am. Anxiety has become worse over the last few months, I always have this feeling something awfuls going to happen.

dogsandcats Sat 27-Apr-13 09:18:57

I dont believe that anyone is too far gone and too damaged.
When is your group therapy likely to be?

GracieLoo Sat 27-Apr-13 16:27:15

I have no idea when the group will start. I'm so exhausted today, been shopping and it was hard work pretending to be ok and care about anything. Feel uncomfortable talking about things, just said about the bpd, but I just act like I don't care. I find it so hard to let people get close.

I'm trying to carry on as normal with work and everything but I don't know if it's helping. I'm just getting more tired, more anxious and feel I can't carry on like this.

Hoophopes Sat 27-Apr-13 16:34:08

Group therapy and dbt is the gold standard treatment for bpd. Some people have dbt as inpatient treatment for 6 mons thought that is hard to get. It is in groups as bpd as a psych explained it to me last week involves difficulties with relationship and managing and improving interpersonal relationships is a key part of dbt.

GracieLoo Sat 27-Apr-13 21:06:39

I'm all over the place about what's wrong with me, all these emotions, if things can change etc. Been thinking about stuff that's happened. Childhood was hard, teens were hard due to low self esteem so used to get v.drunk a lot, lived with a bf for few years who cheated on me, then got pregnant by accident, completely guilt ridden that I didn't love the dad but wanted the baby. Had a horrible birth and hated the first few months, think I has PTSD as had all the flashbacks, crying and even now I find it very hard hearing about people expecting and I don't like to hold newborns.

I know people have been through so much worse, but I don't think I cope very well. And why do I really want/need help but can't ask. I'm struggling every day, drinking and SH to get through the evenings, hate everything and everyone right now (apart from dd), so where the hell do I go from here? Had too much support on here I don't deserve! Feel like admitting myself into some ward sonewhere to get better for 6 mths, having dbt or whatever! But that would be admitting I'm ill, desperate and a failure as a mum. Argh my head is going to explode!

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Apr-13 21:20:07

Having mental health problems does not equal being a failure as a mum, or it'd better not or that'd mean I would be a failure too, and going on how my DDs have turned out so far it's not going too badly (without being up my own arse or owt, but they're bloody lovely grin).

There are plenty of problems parents have, none of them are more or less legitimate than what you're going through.

Don't compare yourself to how other people cope, all you can do is the best you can, and that's what you're doing at the minute. It will get easier, but until it does, just hang on in there. You're deserving of every letter that people type to you on here to help you get through this bit, and you're entitled to start as many threads as you like, it's nobody elses business, if they don't like it they don't have to answer.

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 07:44:19

Woken up in a massive panic about work tomorrow, feel shaky and tense. Want to stay in bed and close my eyes and not deal with anything so all the problems go away. I really feel I can't get up and do dd's breakfast and sit with her, feel so guilty I'm just lying here. Today is going to be a struggle.

dogsandcats Sun 28-Apr-13 08:32:58

From what little I know about depression, there are times when depression is worse, such as 4am, when people go to sleep and when they wake up. At those times,it is just the depression iyswim.
And if you didnt have depression, most of your life would not be a problem.
In other words, at those times, it is only the depression talking. And from what I know, those times you need to ignore your thoughts. Accept you have them, whatever you have at those times, but ignore.

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 16:48:19

I can't ignore the thoughts, urges to SH get too bad. I can't do this! I'm going to lose everything I know I am. I'm crumbling and no one can help, I've done everything I was told to do this weekend and I still feel awful.

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 18:52:59

I can't do this! sad

sara11272 Sun 28-Apr-13 18:59:24

Yes you can. No practical advice and about to disappear from computer but wanted to answer. You are doing so much better than you think you are. Someone with more helpful advice will be along soon I'm sure.

dogsandcats Sun 28-Apr-13 19:12:13

[hugs]

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 20:37:30

Feeling really agitated, not sure what to do with myself. Tried the distraction stuff all weekend but now I can't as can't concentrate on anything, except this bloody site, which I don't know if its doing me any good, but the only support right now.

Got this plan in my head to stay off work tomorrow and do what I had planned last week. Found more pills I had stashed away today, and just can't face work. Get too anxious about it, even seeing work colleagues on fb makes me get worked up! It's not just work, it's everything, looking after dd, she was having a tantrum infront of me earlier and I felt like i'm making her unhappy. Told family about bpd but they had guessed anyway so they will understand why. I also feel very paranoid that someone I know will read all this soon and that panics me.

AgentZigzag Sun 28-Apr-13 22:22:40

Telling your family about the bpd is such a positive step IMO, please let them care for you.

Is being paranoid about someone you know reading this thread and working out it's you just a way of sabotaging another support route?

Like, because you don't feel you deserve it and you don't feel comfortable with people saying nice things about what you've written about yourself and your life, that you're toying with denying yourself what comfort you can get from the posts? Even if it's only a small comfort? A bit of self harm in a roundabout way?

Of course it's completely up to you whether you post or not, but the chances of someone recognising you are miniscule and there is nothing to be ashamed of anyway. Even if they did, so what? It's none of their business and they'd probably be concerned for you rather than the harsh critical judgement you maybe imagine they'd feel.

nenevomito Sun 28-Apr-13 22:24:44

Big WHOOP for telling your family. I know it was hard for you to tell them and that you're having a rough time, but you keep doing these things that will help you get better. Keep fighting Gracie. You can do it. xx

GracieLoo Sun 28-Apr-13 22:54:48

I think things may have gone too far for me to carry on as normal. I know I should get the proper help, I've got things out in preparation. Did it without even thinking. I'm tired but scared to sleep, as tomorrow will come and I don't know what will happen. I've got marks somewhere now, don't want to say to upset people, but might still be there tomorrow. God I'm talking rubbish and not making sense cos I'm scared of saying what's actually been going on in my head this eve. I'm scared.

AgentZigzag Sun 28-Apr-13 23:12:23

Have you been SH tonight? Is it anything that needs to be seen?

Nobody's going to judge you for saying anything on here, only looking at it from a caring and concerned point of view.

If going into work is stressing you out that much is it better not to go in? Can you get a note (or whatever's needed)?

GracieLoo Mon 29-Apr-13 06:47:01

Hardly slept, don't feel able to work but can't call in sick either. Need help!

GracieLoo Mon 29-Apr-13 10:01:46

Haven't gone in, it's all going wrong. I'm making everything worse. I just don't feel right and only feel safe in bed right now. If I get up I'll probably do something stupid. Think I'm losing it, I've let everyone down. Especially dd, this is not good. How can I support her when I can't even work p/t. Can never go back there now, everyone will hate me.

nenevomito Mon 29-Apr-13 11:59:52

Have you called your CPN this morning. I think you need to be back under the crisis team.

You need to start looking for ways that you can get out of this. I know I've said it before, but its babysteps.

Self-harm. Get an elastic band around your wrist - not too tight and when you are thinking about self harm, snap the elastic band on your wrist. It will hurt enough to have the same effect as other forms of SH, but won't cause permanent damage. I'd hate for you to come out of this with scars that make you feel bad. Do you think you can do that?

You need to get your blood sugar up as well as not eating and low blood sugar will make you feel worse. I know how hard it is to eat when you are really depressed, but do you think you could mange something easy like yoghurts or soup. Yoghurts are easiest as they don't need any preparation at all.

Those are two small things that will help you today. Try just to manage those if you can.

GracieLoo Mon 29-Apr-13 13:24:13

I do the elastic band thing sometimes, helps a bit. Just went into kitchen but ended up just getting a drink of water. Feel very paranoid about neighbors and noises I hear, like everyone's against me. Also rang GP for an appt and sick note, he rang back and did it over the phone, obviously didn't want me wasting an appt. Left a msg for cpn first thing and still waiting.

So maybe everyone is against me, not worth it. Going to leave job as can no way go back now. Will being off sick affect other jobs? Everything's a mess, I can't do this! I need to think about a new job now but got no confidence. Want to sleep.

GracieLoo Mon 29-Apr-13 21:24:30

CPN phoned and i'm seeing her tomorrow. Got signed off for a month but have said to boss I will hand my notice is as not being a very good employee. This was by email, no response, they probably can't wait to get rid of me.

Had a couple of scary moments today, but I actually didn't feel scared, which I don't think is right? Urges and thoughts got too much. Got dd here tonight but it's strange as I feel disconnected and it's like she's not here. She didn't want to leave her nans (again), I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

CPN asked if i'd thrown away the pills they told me to, I said no, I don't know what they can do about that! Having those pills are my safety net right now. Think i'm getting crazier every day, really losing it. So many dark thoughts, and no crying confused

Hoophopes Mon 29-Apr-13 22:59:59

Hi, glad you got the sick note. Gp probably thought being kind saving you having to go in. But if you think seeing go will help just book an appointment. You are entitled to sick pay, so why not talk to Cpn about work as perhaps resigning is how you feel now when not well buts perhaps after couple of weeks rest you will think differently?

Hope Cpn appointment useful.

GracieLoo Tue 30-Apr-13 09:10:57

Feeling so, so guilty! Friend just took dd to nursery, I should be doing it. Sick of lying but I hate people knowing, makes me feel vulnerable and ashamed. Not saying people with mental illness should be ashamed, but that's how I feel. And I'm not writing in the mood diary, or doing the stuff my cpn tells me. It's like my brain is shutting down!

GracieLoo Tue 30-Apr-13 12:04:38

Just seen cpn, feeling shaky and tearful as starting having a panic attack on the way out. Feel like I'm desperately screaming for help and no one can hear.

She's given me a list of things to do, not hard stuff, just like tell my mum I'm off sick, challenge thinking and don't put myself under pressure. It's like they're just words and I can't think about doing them. I want to be able to, I just get jumbled up and the bad stuff is easier to think about.

Don't know what to do now, where to go. Don't feel like going home.

dogsandcats Tue 30-Apr-13 12:11:15

Sit on a park bench in the sunshine if you have any?
I always find nature quite soothing.
Are there places that you find soothing?

coxspippin Tue 30-Apr-13 13:19:57

sorry you are suffering so gracieloo i hope these awful mood etc states will recede and go by themselves in time as they did for me. i am sorry for the pain you are getting on a daily basis- again something i can empathise with.

GracieLoo Tue 30-Apr-13 14:32:35

Had to sit in my car to calm down a bit, then been driving around, went to my dads grave, went for a coffee but thought I was going to start crying, so now looking over fields thinking what has my life become. Going over the appt in my head, analysing what I said and how I came across. Said about not feeling/being safe but she must not believe me as she didn't mention crisis team. I don't feel I can get through the next few days like this, but I suppose I've got to now.

GracieLoo Tue 30-Apr-13 17:28:19

Crying now, can't stop. This is so hard, I'm so tired, want it to stop.

dogsandcats Tue 30-Apr-13 17:39:21

My opinion, fwiw, is that you need to live with someone.
I think that, on the whole you have too much time to think.

I think you moved recently?
Would you be able to take in a [safe] lodger?
Or have a friend to live with you?

I realise that that will not solve all your problems, but it might help a bit.

GracieLoo Tue 30-Apr-13 17:52:43

It hasn't helped in the past. I'm not on my own too much if I don't want to be, but right now I need to be.

dogsandcats Tue 30-Apr-13 17:55:01

Fair enough smile

AugustaProdworthy Tue 30-Apr-13 17:58:56

Gracie- I am sorry but I only read first and last pages but I think I get thd gist- I am so sorry you feel like that but you are not alone in having a constant script running in your head or self criticising a lot. I sadly have no advice to help, I wish I did. Can you perhaps find one fun thing to do each day that you really enjoy? Take your mind off your mind sort of thing? I found reading fiction really helped as it helped to stop the internal dialogue a lot.

GracieLoo Tue 30-Apr-13 20:10:38

It's like i'm stuck in this place and can't get out. Things I used to do for fun, I just get anxious about now. I like reading but can't concentrate on books right now, I can't relax or calm down. Neighbours are being noisy and I feel like screaming at them. Want to get out of this house and I can't. Want to get away from these thoughts. Starting planning again as it seems the only option but I don't want to keep repeating myself. I look like crap, losing weight, pale and tired, i'm making myself ill but i'm taking the meds. talking to cpn, getting help with dd, what else can I do? sad

Hoophopes Tue 30-Apr-13 21:45:19

Hi, you said you were not doing all the things the Cpn suggested that were helpful. So how about tomorrow you try to do one of the things suggested and see if it helps? Also you mention that she did not suggest the crisis team, did you want the crisis team? Could you tell her next time you see her you want the crisis team? They do not refer to the crisis team if they do not think you are a risk to yourself or to others. I have been very low and even thinking or saying things that are suicidal before but the Cpn did not refer me to crisis because it is only if my risk rating is too high or the community health team cannot support enough. If the things suggested were not helpful can you think what can be? I was told having the tv on even if could not focus on it can help, it does for me when cannot read. Or I get magazines with more pictures in instead of words which are easier to focus on.

Hope we'd a better day.

GracieLoo Tue 30-Apr-13 22:16:41

No I don't want crisis team, there's no point anymore. I can't do this, I've failed, I'm not as strong as others who get better. This thread just sounds self-pitying and I don't deserve anything. I've hit rock bottom and it's not good for those around me. I don't want to be a burden anymore.

dogsandcats Tue 30-Apr-13 22:20:24

[hugs]
It is not a matter of you being as strong as others.
You have had a lot more happen to you than some others.
And everyone's situation is different.
I would not have liked to go through what you have had to go through. Nor would anyone else.

GracieLoo Wed 01-May-13 06:59:41

Didn't sleep much and when I did I had horrible dreams. Feel more exhausted now than before bed. Don't want to get up. There's too much to deal with.

GracieLoo Wed 01-May-13 13:08:46

Trying to convince myself to stop feeling so guilty about not working, to accept I've been signed off, really struggling right now, probably won't go back to that job but plan to work again in the future. I've got a little one not yet at school, and no partner to support me so I need to find out if I'm entitled to anything at the job center. I know it might be difficult as I chose to leave, but for medical reasons?

Trying to convince myself that at the moment I just need to get through the day, pick dd up, make sure she's happy, get her fed and bathed etc, even though it's all damn hard. Wish my anxiety levels would drop, and I wasn't thinking about killing myself all the time. But deep down I do feel bad, guilty, a failure for not earning money and making everything worse. I know I'm on the edge right now and very scared something will tip me over. It's horrible feeling unsafe and making plans, and feeling unable to call anyone.

GlassesDontSuitMe Wed 01-May-13 14:22:41

Oh Gracie, what a horrible place you are in, it must be very hard for you to get through each day.

You don't need to feel guilty about not working. If that's what it takes to make you feel no worse right now, you are doing the right thing.

You are doing incredibly well to have got this far and you have far from 'failed'.

You said further up the thread that you had contacted Samaritans by text. Do you think you could call them? They are the ones who will hear your screaming. There will be absolutely no pressure from them for you to talk but they will help you to talk if you are finding it difficult. They will understand your need to 'plan' and won't judge you or try to talk you out of it. If you do ring and you get someone who you don't 'connect' with or who you think isn't helping you, just put the phone down and try again and keep trying until you find someone you can talk to. You won't be offending anyone, the most important thing to them is that you get someone you are happy with.

I know someone who suffers with BPD and so have a tiny insight into what it is like. Please try really hard and let your family help you if they can in anyway. I know you have said that it is hard for you to do that but you need to rest and find some space. Let others deal with the everyday stuff, so you can concentrate on you.

Keep posting on here. You don't sound self pitying at all, just someone who is struggling to make sense of the world and finding it difficult.

Take Care x

GracieLoo Wed 01-May-13 16:46:36

Thank you for your lovely post, made me tearful as I didn't think people would be so understanding, and I've had such great support here.

It's been so sunny which I thought would lift my mood, how wrong was I? Just feel worse as haven't cut the grass or washed the car etc, I took dd and a friend to the park and I just sat for hour and a half watching them play. Just having a major panic about cpn not being in til next Tuesday now, and I start stressing that there's no one for too many days, and I can't get through them on my own with these thoughts especially as dd's away again this wkend. That's just me being too dependent and pathetic but I just get this awful scared feeling. I know I can use Samaritans, it's not the same in a crisis I don't find, and I know I can phone out of hours. Just getting this panic rising inside of me.

Hoophopes Wed 01-May-13 19:47:42

Hi, you are signed off for a month not forever, so hope you can not feel guilty. Your job will allow you a certain length of time of sick pay so instead of thinking of resigning and benefits, why not take as much sick pay from your job first? That may count for more if you try to get benefits later, rather than choosing to leave before your sick pay ceases?? Also occupational health mayo suggest reduced hours which may help you?? Just thinking about what I did when struggling. Had six months off ill then two months reduced phased return. Then got part-time as needed less hours for health reasons.

Going to the parc sounds lovely. You have to with your dc, too young to leave at parc alone and am sure dc preferred being at parc to you washing a car. Mmm I have not washed my car all year. No need to feel guilty for doing lovely things with daughter!!

GracieLoo Wed 01-May-13 21:37:48

I've said i'm not going back sad and i'm so ashamed I haven't told anyone. I've got so much to try to sort out and I feel so muddled. The days are all rolling into one, I don't know what i'm doing half the time. There isn't occ health at my work, and I was only doing p/t and couldn't cope with that.

I don't see how I can carry on, I feel strange/detached and can't get back into the real world. I don't kow what i'm doing the next day, just have to take each day, hour by hour, but that scares me that that's all I can manage. Urges and thoughts are getting stronger, as it's nearing the long weekend. Also i've realised I always seem to get really bad this time of year and I have no idea why? Two years ago I took an od, and last year I got really low, always around May? Mind you, I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy, and that sounds awful as i'm a mum.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 09:49:11

Oh god, things are getting worse! I really don't know if I can do this. Actually feeling dizzy and spaced out, head aches and I want to cry so much but can't.

nenevomito Thu 02-May-13 10:47:08

Gracie - I've not asked before, but are you taking your meds as prescribed? Also, have you thought any further about what I said about going to stay with your mum, particularly over this long weekend?

I really think you need to start taking practical steps to help yourself. You're not eating - low blood sugar and not enough 'fuel' will make you feel dizzy and shit and lethargic. You need to take the advice given to you by the Crisis Team and your CPN to give away your pills or give them to someone for safe-keeping and go to stay with someone, like your mum.

I really, really do know what its like to be depressed, but you need to start taking the advice of the professionals around you - if you won't work with them by taking their advice, they are really limited as to how they can gelp.

Getting better is 1/3 support, 1/3 medication and 1/3 your own effort. If the first two are in place, you need to start working on the third.

You CAN get better. I keep saying this, because its true.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 11:03:39

I take sertraline 100mg, that's all i've been prescribed and I do take them, just been on them a few weeks as switched over. I eat when I can, it just takes a lot of effort to think about what to have, then get it etc, I know it sounds like excuses. I had dinner last night. I have plans for every evening this weekend that were made weeks ago, I feel like crying when I think about going out and seeing people but i'll make myself go, even though I can feel worse after.

I just don't want to be here and I really can't help how I feel right now, everything seems unreal and far away, and I feel so tense and aware i've messed everything up. I'm really sorry, just don't see much hope. Sorry

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 11:16:58

There is nothing wrong at all, for anyone, to take each day hour by hour.
Im fact, if we could all magically stop worrying about tomorrows,we would all be better for it.

Also, I do think that quite a lot of people have good times of year, and worse times of year. I have no idea why. Just the way we are made I suppose.

Even if you have messed up, which I sincerely doubt, there is always hope imo.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 11:52:24

I really have messed up.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 12:25:33

How, if it is all right to ask?
Dont answer if you dont want to.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 12:58:55

Everything! I'm trying to make lists, prioritise things, get little things done but then something else crops up, and I just can't cope with it all. I used to be so organised and on top of stuff, now it's all falling apart. I can't think straight and everything seems jumbled up. Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 13:22:43

We all have days that dont go to plan. Nothing wrong in that.
I was going to do x y and z, but for reasons out of my control, I have done a and b.
Have actually decided to throw the rest of my today plans out of the window, and go with the flow. Feel better now.

I doubt that many people are thinking badly of you.
Heck, they may even think badly of me for all I know.

I do have a theory that some people think badly of just about everyone on the planet.

If you are very concerned, you can name change on Mumsnet.
I dont think I would if I were you.
You could name change, see if you like it or not, and then name change back again if you wanted. I think that is ok by Mumsnet rules.

GracieLoo Thu 02-May-13 20:01:50

I need diazepam, will they prescribe me more? Haven't taken it for a while. Can't stand this

GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 10:22:18

Felt awful this morning, wanted to ask my friend to take dd but I forced myself to do it. Got washing to do so i'll make myself do that when i've got the energy, just made myself eat a bowl of cereal. But my head feels heavy and muddled still and I want to go back to bed so badly. I don't like this not being able to think clearly.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:03:26

How did your day go in the end Gracie?

You said 'Feel guilty for posting here, worried people are thinking badly of me' and it made me think of the thing I like about MN most.

I have trouble with (what I know is totally normal) the difference between what people say and what they privately think. I'm terrible for presuming they're thinking badly of me and criticising everything about me and think endlessly about what was said, what they meant, how they must hate me etc etc, I can't stop it going round and round in my head afterwards.

But on MN because of the anonymity and the fact that it's not compulsory to post, I feel I can trust it more to find out the actual state of 'how things are'. If I say something, I know I'll be told what people genuinely think, why would they not? And on your thread I can honestly say I believe people are here because they want to be, if they didn't they wouldn't post.

And given that I'm hyper sensitive to any type of criticism (I have it down to a fine art, torturing myself with the results grin), I've not even caught the smallest wiff of anything but care and concern for you.

If there's anywhere I would feel comfortable posting for genuine support, it's here. And I don't say that lightly. (It's OK to allow yourself to get something/help from somewhere).

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:09:57

A post you can ignore of course, but I was wondering what kinds of positive things people you know have said they like about you?

GracieLoo Fri 03-May-13 23:36:20

I've had enough I really have, soory and thank you to everyone. My friend said this eve I always seem fine to her so that means this is all in my head and I'm not good enough to stay here. I want to be with my dad now.

AgentZigzag Fri 03-May-13 23:55:40

Don't go Gracie.

It just means, like a lot of people who have to deal with the shit you have to, that you're good at hiding it. She's your friend, I'm sure she'd be mortified if she knew you thought what she said meant she doesn't care for you.

Thinking about how you want to be with your Dad now, don't you think your DD will want to be with you?

Don't leave her alone and without you, she needs you.

Your love for her just shines though in your posts, ride this storm out for her.

Elderflowergranita Fri 03-May-13 23:57:08

Gracie, I've just found this thread. You sound like a lovely and caring mum. Ignore what your friend said - you've probably just become incredibly good at putting on a brave face.

Lots of people care about you, please come back and talk to us.

GracieLoo Sat 04-May-13 00:03:17

She just said I seem fine and shrugged it off, it's not just that, it's everything. I don't want to be a constant worry for people, dd will be fine. She'll know I live her

GracieLoo Sat 04-May-13 00:03:59

'love her'...finding everything hard, can't do this

AgentZigzag Sat 04-May-13 00:06:15

Your DD won't be fine pet.

You're her mum, you only get one.

Please don't leave her, she needs you to protect her from this unpredictable and sometimes depths of hell shitty world.

AgentZigzag Sat 04-May-13 00:13:40

<hug>

Thurlow Sat 04-May-13 10:34:32

Hi Gracie, hope you managed to get some sleep tonight?

I promise you it's all not in your head. Just because people seem to think you are ok doesn't mean that you are imagining things.

Can you call the crisis team again this morning?

Your DD loves you too and though it might not feel like it to you at the moment, she needs her mum. You are more than good enough to stay with her.

Keep talking and tell us how you are x

coxspippin Mon 06-May-13 11:55:49

dear gracieloo sorry you are suffering so- take some rest if you can.

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