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It's all too much (very, very long, sorry)(138 Posts)
Right, I need to type this all out in one place instead of bits here & there on different threads. CBA to name-change. I don't expect anyone to wade through all of this but I need to write it to help me figure it all out. Any advice gratefully received, if anyone manages to wade through...
Basically, I am feeling pretty shit.
1) I am suffering with several chronic illnesses (& am probably now depressed). I don't seem to be able to get myself on an even keel. I am always exhausted & go to bed at 7. I don't sleep well because I shiver all night or am in great pain. I can't warm up - even in a bath hot enough to leave my skin red, I still have goosebumps. I'm too tired to speak, I don't want to see people. I can't focus long enough to read or watch tv. I can't walk more than a few steps without great difficulty. I am not able to go out or to look after myself or DS properly. I don't want a life like this & no-one seems to be able to help.
2) Because of all that, I am finding work extremely difficult. I am a teacher but am doing pretty craply - I don't do everything I need to and I am not being the best teacher I can be. I'm too tired to work, I can't speak in proper sentences, I cannot manage my basic workload let alone my other responsibilities. SLT are aware but, tbh, as long as I am at work & they don't need to cover me, they don't care. I have had quite a lot of time off & am having an assessment with OH dr because they are concerned about my future.
3) DP has had yet another breakdown & has gone to stay with his parents. This is the 3rd year he's disappeared for 2-3+ months. We're talking but he's suicidal, I can't do anything because he won't come home but he says he doesn't know why & he's not happy without me I don't know wtf to do. I have contacted his dr & mental health people but I can do more more. I'm just sad: I love him & miss him & am angry, hurt & scared about the future.
4) I am haunted by previous MH issues... Jimmy Saville stuff has opened up old wounds, DP's depression hasn't helped & I am back to wishing I'd done a proper job when I tried to kill myself previously. I'm not about to do anything but I am thinking about it lots & am filled with regret that I didn't do it before all this. I have a psychiatrist but am not seeing him til June.
5) I have a beautiful, clever, bright 7 yr old who I love more than anything. This is all having a big impact on him. He's away atm which is giving us both a bit of a break. I try hard not to let my illnesses impact his life - I do lots with him but he deserves so much better than being stuck with me.
I have lovely family & friends who would help me out if I asked. In fact, they help me whether I ask or not & I am very grateful but I hate, hate, hate being dependent on other people.
Just saying hello so you know you aren't on your own. I'm sure someone else will be along soon with some useful advice. for you.
Can't read and run but don't have much advice , but I really empathise with you , it all sounds very overwhelming for you, it would break a lot of people . Would writing help you to gain your feet on the ground now and help deal with some abuse issues from your past ? You have a lot on your shoulders but it does need to be let go somewhere somehow . Life can be so tiring can't it !? Have you some nice times and places to look forward to? I hope the better weather we all longfor will help your health too
Thank you both. I've sort of plateaued into a bit of a depression - nothing awful but not good either. I'm terrified that I'm going to plummet into something horrible, like I have before. If I knew I'd get better, it'd be different. Everything I do goes wrong.
I've often wished that one of my illnesses would kill me but they won't. Then I feel terribly guilty, having watched my father fight for his life. Then I remember my friend who was murdered a few years ago - I feel so stupid and selfish for wishing my life away when hers was taken. He should have killed me, not her.
Look you have a lot of things going on all huge in their own right , I'm in a similar place so can understand . This is your life , here and now , take firm decisions for the better of yourself and your son and move forward and amongst your blessings think of your father, your friend , how far you have come , your son . Look forward in small steps an ill try and do the same . Life can be simply horrific , but you are here and you count and matter and are valued and can still make a difference in the world . See, you posting has helped me too:-)
It can be done ! Sunshine is coming, you will get stronger and further away from the pain and hurt , it's not bad to acknowledge it but if you find you are dwelling , find someone to talk to to let it out , then it won't win .
Hello you ((((enormous yet gentle hugs))))
I think we have spoken a bit before about having similar abuse issues, you know where I am if you need a chat about anything xx
Sounds like you are having a really awful time of things to put it mildly. You have far too much going on to cope with, i am not surprised that the depression has descended.
Sorry if i sound harsh but you say this is the third time your DP has disappeared back to his folks as he is depressed and suicidal........where can you run to? Who is looking after you? I totally get that when your in the depth's of depression that you feel like you need to run away from your problems, i have also been suicidal and felt this way and i went into hospital (although i was younger and had no one who was reliant on me. Maybe he would be better in hospital even.
Sorry if i have got this wrong i do not want to upset you but it just seems unfair that you are both unwell, yet he is the one that can get away from it all while you just have to try and carry on as normal. Do you think it helps him going back to his parents for a couple of months? During this time do you see each other much, does he come to see your son?
I really hope things improve for you soon,xxxxxxxxxx
Grockle - really sorry to read what you are going through. You have so much going on atm. Can you talk to your GP about the depression side of things? Are you on anything for this? I know it won't solve the problems but it might just help you cope with everything a little bit. Not sure about spoons ... think you need a giant's ladle at the very smallest!! Take care and look after yourselfxx
Thanks Fuzz... I'd forgotten you had similar issues. Horrible, isn't it? I will PM you later, if that's ok?
Juneywoony, no-one is looking after me. I can't run...I have a job. I have DS, responsibilities... When this all got too much last year, I did run away. I put DS & the dog in the car & drove 200+ miles away where no-one would find us. But then I was reported and it got complicated & the threat of the police looking for me & me being sectioned when found made me come home .
I don't know why DP goes. It doesn't seem to help & even he says he doesn't know why he does it. But then he comes back & we work things out & things are good again. It's not fair on DS though (not DP's child but they are very close & DP is more of a father to DS than his own dad has ever been). I don't know if he'd be better in hospital. I don't think he's that unsafe... he seems to make a lot of threats (only to me, never to anyone else) but hasn't ever actually hurt himself.
I'm exhausted - from work, from being ill, from worrying about DP, from not sleeping, from looking after DS, from trying to do 2 jobs, from trying to carry on. DP was my carer & he left me with no help. When he went, I couldn't walk or speak properly. I have managed to carry on, making sure DS is fed & clean etc but it's been really hard. I've lost almost 25lbs because I can't eat properly. I honestly don't know what to do or where to start trying to sort things out. I can't fix my health, I can't make the depression go away, I can't fix DP. I have no idea what has happened to my life.
At times, I feel quite calm & peaceful. But at other times I feel so helpless, so hopeless & pathetic. Verging on suicidal. I don't know... I can't act on anything but those thoughts can be completely consuming & quite frightening. Most of the time I just feel numb, like a shell.
Choca, I'm not on ADs or anything, only pain meds
which don't help. I could contact my MH team but what would they do? No-one can make me better or fix anything. I just want to run far, far away but one thing I've learned is that I can't run from myself.
A ladle would be wonderful.
<sending ladle vibes>
MH teams can provide a CPN to come visit you I think - would that be an option? Even if it was once a week they might be a good person to sound off to, and to check up on you (in a good way)
Oh and course PM is fine (better on MN than FB though as FB is still being weird for me)
I didn't know that... do I need a CPN to come round? I'm very wary of not coping or appearing to have problems in case SS get involved. I don't know why they would but I worry.
I spoke to DS just now & he sounds very happy. I'm trying to do a couple of things for some friends to make them smile. I hope.
It might help - I'm not sure how available the service is but I have heard of people getting regular visits from a CPN. I am pondering the possibility myself, as my MH is not great ATM.
Thanks, fuzz. I didn't know that was possible. Hope you are ok. Sorry you have MH stuff going on too.
I know I'm on a downward spiral because the insomnia is setting back in. It makes me feel panicky. I don't want to have a crisis
I saw DP briefly today and have fallen apart. He didn't do or say anything, it was all fine. I just hate being 35, walking like an old lady, hobbling down the road with my walking stick
I'm in meltdown mode now... I've just driven 30 miles wishing I could spin the car off the road & various other things, slightly less drastic. I felt quite scared so I called the duty MH person to talk some sense to me but she said I'm doing really well & to do some work or enjoy the dog & she'll talk about me in their meeting next week
I don't feel very good at all.
I want out.
Oh honey do you know what you are going to do about the relationship?
I'm glad you phoned the MH team. Doesn't sound like the best reaction from them so don't be afraid to keep phoning if you need to. What I found best was to get my GP to ring on my behalf - he was much more persuasive than I had the strength to be. Is that a possibility?
Is there somebody you can drive to tonight - sister maybe? - and just crash on their couch or something - not ideal but some company might help.
No idea. I need to toughen up really. But I'm too tired now.
3 years of increasingly bad symptoms, of supporting depressed (D)P, working til I collapsed etc... it's just all too much. I can't do this any more.
I told the crisis lady that I was scared & not sure I was safe & she said she didn't know what to suggest but I could ring back if I needed to.
I can't go anywhere because extraDD is here. Don't want to say anything to my DSis because she'll panic & worry. I don't want to be any more of a burden than I already am & I don't want a fuss, I just don't know how to stop feeling like this. It's crept up on me slowly, getting worse each day. I don't know a safe way to make it stop.
When you feel a bit stronger you could complain about the duty MH worker. What the hell kind of response was that?!? FFS.
Wish I lived nearer you, I'd be round in a flash (well, a hobble, but still)
BTW. Last resort - go to A&E. xx
Hey Grockle, I was on the vertigo thread with you a year or so back. I am so sorry to read you are feeling so awful. Big unmumsnetty hugs your way.
Thanks fuzz. I don't think I'm A & E stage yet. Will see how tomorrow goes.
Hi essex, how're you?
i have mh probs. long standing and have affected my life. I battled to fight them 'alone' ie without antidepressants for yrs I didn't want to give in.
But depression pretty much took my teens and 20's, so in the end after a huge breakdown, i went to ask for tablets. They probably saved my life op.
I feel for you so much. there is only so much one mind/body and soul can take. You are actually extremely strong, but your body needs help. Consider meds xxxxxx
your username i like. are you in the west country like me??
Oh Grockle what an enormous amount you have to deal with.
See your GP and ask for a referral to 2ndary services - a psych. I suspect you need more than just meds - it sounds like you need help from actual people. Explain it all, ask what help you can access.
Don't give up hope, keep posting.
sending warm wishes
Yes pirate, I'm in the SW. Just.
Pussycat - I have a psych - that's how I contacted the crisis team yesterday. Not that they were any help. Because I carry on pretty much as normal, they all say I'm doing well & don't seem to think I need any help.
I don't have an issue with taking ADs, I just haven't needed them (for depression - I take a low dose for pain relief). I don't know if I need them now - they won't change any of the things that I'm finding difficult. They won't make me able to walk properly.
I'm doing all the stuff I should do - going out, seeing friends etc. I just no longer care or having any feeling other than dread & exhaustion.
No-one ever really knows that I am struggling & in the past when I've it's become very serious, no-one had any idea how I was feeling because I make a point of being 'normal'. I wash, dress, do my hair, meet friends etc. This is the same... I still have a knot in the bottom of my stomach & feel so disappointed that I woke up again. That means another whole day to get through. Another whole day to resist falling in front of a bus or slipping off the edge of the cliff. I won't do those things but I wish I could.
Thank you both.
It's hardly surprising you are depressed darling.
So much to cope with and you must feel very alone.
Can you get an emergency appt today with your gp/MH team?
I ink you need to see someone before the weekend looms...
perhaps anti-depressants might be a step to parts of you feeling more balanced? They do help with your mood, lets say they normalise you, and make the best bits of you be you again mentally. ime anyway.
GP will tell me to call MH team. MH team weren't interested. They said they'd probably get back in touch next week when they've talked about me.
I can't sleep. This is ridiculous.
Oh, don't know how I posted twice
I'm sorry I can't help you in a practical way grockle, I just wanted to know I'm thinking of you and hoping tomorrow (today) is a better day for you. Unmumsnetty hugs from me x
i don't understand why a doctor won't prescribe something for you. get a different gp that gp is not helping at all. being passed on is not good for your mood. bloody hell that is
Another for you, sorry things are so tough. Thinking of you & how brave you are being.
Sorry I didn't read properly grockle. I think I would press for ADs for depression, you won't know if they help till you try.
If one of your conditions has a national society or something, could you access someone to talk to you by phone, at least to offload.
I started on ADs last year (after a break of several years). I went through 3 or 4 different ones, including the ones that saved me last time. None of them helped at all which is why I was then referred to the psych. clinic. Then they referred me to the rheumatology clinic because they agreed with me that if I weren't exhausted or in pain that I'd probably be a lot better mentally. And that helped a lot.
GP wont prescribe anything that I have a consultant for so I just have to wait.
It's sunny today so things feel a little brighter. I've been out, walked the dog, seen a friend & am going out again now but I'm exhausted. I'm on the verge of tears all the time & am resisting the temptation to drive to (D)Ps & beg him to come home. I know I'm better without him but I miss him. I've never been this pathetic. Not through my divorce, never. I want my happy family back.
If I can help in anywayI will. You can get through this x
Thank you mummylin. I know I've got through bad patches in the past... I should have counted my blessings - little did I know I'd end up with something as debilitating as all of this. Why does everything happen at the same time?
I've had a lovely day but it's worn me out. I'll be good for nothing tomorrow & I bet I won't sleep tonight.
My email is still the same if you need
Why can't I sleep? I feel so tired during the day that it makes me sick yet I wake up all night.
I don't know how to makes things easier for myself. I don't understand how my life ended up like this.
Hope you managed to drop of eventually.sometimes the more tired we are the more our brain seems to work overtime, so preventing our body from being able to relax enough to sleep. Do you have apts lined up to see various people who can help you ? Thinking of you x
Thanks mummylin. I have rheumatology apt at the end of the month but that's it. I really feel like no-one understands... my GP, friends, family etc. I'm sure my GP is sick of seeing me. I think he has no idea the impact this has had on my quality of life & the effect on my family as well. I can cry & explain it a million times but I'm just another patient to be dealt with in 10 minutes.
I tend not to moan about stuff & just get on with it so when I AM moaning, it means it's quite bad. I am terrified of using the phone so to psych myself up to phone the crisis people was a big deal for me. Them asking if I could find something to do to keep me busy was not very helpful. If there were a simple solution like that, I'd use it instead of calling them. If I tell them I don't feel safe & am scared, suggesting I do some paperwork is not enough
I've been a bit more together today but haven't managed to leave the house. I have this week off then need to be back at work
Any chance you could change your Doctor for a more sympathetic one ? I don't know why some people don't hear what you Are saying. I think some doctors can be very dismissive.sorry you didn't get to go out today at all, it was lovely.i was nearly down your way today ,I was going to visit my dd but I thought it was a bit too close to her meal time so didn't go.do you mean you have to go to work tomorrow or that you have the next week off ? Is your apt With the hospital ? If so have you said you could take a cancellation if one came up ? Is this possible do you think.
My GP isn't unsympathetic, as such. I just think he doesn't 'get' it & the knock-on effect it has on my family. I'm off work this week but fretting about going back after that. Work makes my symptoms much, much worse & I find it really hard to cope.
When my appointment with Rheumatologist came through, I asked if I could have a cancellation but the secretary said she had 10 people on the list already so couldn't put me down for one. I could pester psych team I suppose. I'm so tired that just the thought of having to fight for appointments is too much.
I will PM you my number, then you can pop in for a cup of tea if you are down my way.
Yes that would be good. I have now read about all your different illnesses.its surprising you are feeling so low. How long has this been going on? What a nightmare for you, and having to work as well,and be a mum,my god you are stronger than you think. It's a shame about not being able to go on cancelation list. Hope you get some rest tonight.
Hi. Things sound really tough for you. I have physical health difficulties and a job that exhausts me, plus MH difficulties. For me when my physical health breaks down my MH deteriorates. Perhaps your apt with the OH person could help with physical health issues, such as a fit note to reduce work duties etc?
Maybe, hula hoops, I don't know. I do know that atm, I cannot manage the hours I am meant to do.
Mummylin, I've been I'll for about 3 years, steadily getting worse over time. I hate it. This time last year, dP left me without saying a word & only contacted me with suicide threats. That lead to me being really unwell. I gradually got better but he's left again & that's put me straight back to feeling very low & ungappy
Hi Grockle. Wanted to come over and say hi. Sounds like you feel awful and have good reason to. You've had some great suggestions on here about calling the crisis team again (maybe make more of a fuss?) and maybe getting another GP to increase/change meds. See if you can get your Psych appt moved to earlier too, that might help.
A couple of practical thoughts. It seems really important to you to seem normal. But you aren't in a normal situation just now, and that isn't your fault. It is okay to ask friends and family around you for help. It really is. Late last year I had a really bad patch where I could hardly walk and had to get people to take the kids to school (100 yds down the road) and so on. It wasn't easy but I had to let my pride go to a certain extent. People are often kind and will help without then holding it over you in some way or getting otherwise weird about it. Just ask the right people (I.e. not the idiots).
Also, to me it sounds like you are doing a lot, physically, even when you aren't working. Walking the dog, going out and seeing friends all in one day is a lot for someone with your condition. Carrying on with a normal level of activity is not likely to be possible just now, as it will set you back. I would suggest getting a friend or neighbourhood teenager to walk the dog just for now or at least sometimes.
And please prioritise eating, strictly necessary activities, seeing friends and telling them what is going on, and resting. Your son sounds lovely...and at 7 I expect he can be helpful and entertain himself while you lie down for an hour after lunch for instance. Maybe you are already doing that but you haven't talked about trying to rest in the day... if not, maybe try it? I listen to relaxation videos on YouTube when my mind goes weird during 'rest'...it helps.
I am so sorry that things have gone so badly wrong for you. You did so well before after all the problems you had. This time I see its a combination of mh and physical probs. no wonder you feel so low. Your DP is not around to give you the support that you need right now and has actually made everything worse for you. Do you see much of your sister, I know she isn't far away from you. It must be so awful to be in such pain everyday. Hopefully we will meet up very soon.
I suppose it's NOT a normal situation. It feels it to me because it's all happened gradually. I feel like a fraud if I say I'm disabled but sometimes it is SO debilitating, I really can do nothing. As soon as I feel well enough to move about, I try to do as much as I can... I know that isn't a good idea but it's the only way to get things done.
I've been ok today - glum & lethargic but nothing much worse. A lovely friend who is a hypnotherapist saw my posts of FB about insomnia & has sent me some CDs to help with my sleep. And she's offered me some hypnotherapy sessions. I've never done it so have no idea what will happen but I might give it a go. I'm so tired, I feel sick.
DS is lovely & helps a lot. When I go to bed in the daytime, he sneaks in every so often to check on me & kisses my head It makes me feel awful that he has to do so much
Mummylin, I see my sister all the time! She lives round the corner so often pops in with a meal she's prepared for us or to drop off some cake or chocolate or to make me a cup of tea. I'm so glad I have her.
Thank you both for your support.
Building, that is lovely, thank you. I know nothing about it but welcome anything that might make a difference. Thank you for thinking of me.
Glad today is not too bad, mh-wise, and that you have your sis.
I find it helps sometimes to imagine what you would tell a friend (or even a stranger on the internet . ) if they told you what you've just said.
I imagine you, being lovely and a normal kindhearted person, would say...don't do so much. See your doctor. Ask for help. And some other things.
Try reading back through your post as if it is someone else....then take your own advice.
Trust me, it may have snuck up on you, but it isn't a normal situation and you absolutely must not expect yourself to do normal things for a while.
Thank you, building. I know you are right and I know I would tell someone else to see their GP, demand an appointment with MH team and to take it easy. Easier said than done though, isn't it? Maybe tomorrow I will call the MH team. I just dont know what to say... I don't feel good? That doesn't seem to quite cover it.
And I'm fretting a lot about DP. I shouldn't because he's not with me, he left. But I still worry that he'll hurt himself or something. I'd be ok if I knew he was ok.
And I'm missing my boy. Please remind me of this when I am frustrated by the rudeness & shouting I will receive when I have him back on Friday.
Glad you are having an ok day today. I remember your sis living quite local because that's how we managed to meet for a cuppa ! Glad you have her. As you know I went through a lot with my own sister and she said it helped her such a lot to know she had me. I expect it is the same for you and your sis. How did you sleep last night ? Hope you are managing to get your meals without too much difficulty. Or are you not eating too well at the moment.i hope you get to phone MH team and they can give you some help.i might sound harsh but you must not worry about your DP. You need to worry about yourself first. He has his parents to help him. Xx
I woke up a few times last night. I'm going to take extra tramadol tonight to see if that knocks me out some more. I know I should but needs must...
I'm not eating properly but am hungry so have eaten crap. I still can't eat hot food & am unable to prepare it anyway so I feed my student & have a cup of tea then eat biscuits
I am going to make an effort to eat properly tomorrow, or at least to not eat junk. I plan to walk the dog to town to buy some nice tea & then stay home, reading etc. We'll see if I can manage. I might get the bus up the hill then walk home!
Yep, I need to detach myself from DP... I know he's not good for me & he's not good for my boy. Why I am still drawn to him, I don't know.
I don't know why I feel brighter today but I do. I am not filled with wanting to die or irresistible urges to do stupid stuff. It's nice to have a day without that taunting me.
Do you want some easy food inspiration? I utterly utterly utterly hate thinking about food when I'm down so I get it.
Cheese on ryvita
Boiled eggs if you can do that. Do 10 and eat through the week
Porridge in the microwave. Add seeds if that pleases you.
Veggie sticks and a pot of hummus
Tin of three bean salad
Big crusty loaf of multi grain bread, nice cheese, nice pickle
Do you have a slow cooker? Could you chuck in chicken, onion, carrots, celery and stock? Maybe microwave rice and veggies to go with.
If you like salmon, it is not toooo taxing to wrap it in foil and leave it in the oven for a while, and eat with whatever you want.
Sorry, just realised you can't eat hot food...sorry mate.
Yes I would def get the bus. up the hill will be easier coming down again ! You have a nice shopping area there.my youngest gd works in a hairdressers up there on a Friday or sat. It earns her a bit of money, since you met her she is at college !! I didn't realise that you still had students! How on earth are you coping. Are they long term ones or short ? I will have to bring you some fish and chips when I eventually get over your way,would you eat that !
Building, I love apples but because my jaw hurts if I chew, I stopped eating them. That might be 1 of the reasons I only eat cereal actually. I love bean salad though so will order some of that. And more yoghurt.
The other suggestions sound great - I need to cook for DS & extraDD so although I don't want to eat, I still have to make something for them. And perhaps I'll be tempted to eat it! Thank you so much.
Mummylin, I agreed to have this student when DP was here - he was meant to help. But he's not & I needed the money so I've kept her. She's 11 and is here til August but since I need to feed DS, I may as well feed another one too. We sometimes have fish & chips - one in town delivers!
How about stewed apple and custard/ice cream/cream?
Or fried apple segments in butter and brown sugar?
They go very soft and caramelly
Oh Grockle, just saw that you had cleverly already posted on Food before my message. Well done. I never do that but am going to start. Food is a problem for me, I either have a mental blank spot or an over ambitious "I am practically a chef" approach.
Thank you... I have apple in the freezer so could easily stew it
when I can be arsed Feeling very worn out & hopeless again. I wish I could escape it but even if I run away, I can't run away from myself. If I could sleep for a couple of months, I think I'd be ok. Which is why I then start thinking that if I got hit by a bus, I'd be injured enough to have time off work.
I may be way off base but do you find you get worse when you separate from your son? I know I struggle with it, and any kind of separation can send me a bit doolally til I figure it out. I mean, the sort of thoughts you are having, urge to self-harm, etc.
Maybe that's just me!
That's the depression talking grockle.
When I had horrific late onset pnd with ds1 I vividly remember fantasising a is driving my car into a wall/tree etc.
I didn't want to die.
I just wanted everything to stop. For there to be no sound, no brightness, no clamour.
I dint know is that's how you feel but I know that lack of sleep and chronic pain can leach all the joy out of life (hugs)
Can you buy ready stewed apple?
Yes, I am that lazy
Have spent this afternoon cleaning up after the window guy and boiler chap.
I am utterly exhausted. I know it's partially because I didn't sleep well last night and I am also not eating properly (biscuits, chocolate, apples etc) so I am nauseous
Supposed to be going to town with my parents tomorrow morning. Might cry off.
Am just so tired.
Building, I think I am worse when DS isn't around. Partly because he keeps me busy & partly because I just cannot act on anything while he is here. When he's away... I can do whatever I want & that can be scary. I also have more time to think, to plot...
I ate proper food today - yoghurt, pomegranate, cranberry juice, toast
chocolate. I've also started getting sort of acidy feeling... before my stomach. Not sure how to describe it but it takes away what little pleasure there is in eating. I am eating indigestion tablets.
I think I've realised I just want to be normal. Normal me. Able to take DS out for a bike ride or swimming or stay up late with him watching a film. Nobody would be a great parent at 95 yet my head & body feel like they are 95. It would be ok if I didn't have all the responsibilities of a 35 year old mother, trying to do 2 jobs whilst battling chronic illnesses.
Course you want to be normal. Of course you do. It is awful that you are so unwell.
Well done eating proper food.
I had an epiphany about my illness the other day. I thought what if I never get better? Wouldn't it be awful to have spent the remainder of my life bitter at what I didn't have rather than grateful for what I did have?
I had thought lots of times (fruitlessly) that I ought to try to be more positive, not worry so much, etc but sometimes it sort of hits you and has force. Doesn't mean I am always positive, of course.
I know I need to be more positive. I used to be. I think DS being away, DP disappearing, work being difficult, Ofsted & now gynae problems just made it all overwhelming. If I can get my head round some of those issues then I will be much better.
This is a very very hard patch.
I thought I had DS for all of may half term, but he's going away for a few days. And in the summer, he's meant to be away for all six weeks
Sorry to see this update. But does he have to go for the whole 6 or seven weeks. Can't you negotiate. ?
Who tells you he's going away for all 6 wks? Is there no discussion?
I can't understand how you're still holding down a job with such illnesses - you're stronger than you think you are
There's no negotiation - it's court ordered. I'm hoping that ex will realise it's not good for DS but he usually is very keen in stick to his 'rights' regardless of how DS feels.
I had a lovely morning but had to sleep all afternoon to recover. My DLA appeal was unsuccessful so it's going to tribunal but I really can't be bothered. I'm tired of fighting for everything. The duty psych called me to say they'd discussed me & there is nothing they can do. Maybe i could find a support group on Facebook? . So, if they cannot help someone who has said they are suicidal then it leaves me with few options. Thank you all for your support. I'm not strong enough or well enough to fight any more.
Oh grockle, iam so sorry to hear that. Do not give up. After your long fight before you can get through this. Didn't realise that the dad was here. I thought he had stayed behind. Can you appeal about the Dla ?
Yes, I think you can appeal the DLA decision. Your doctor is on your side on this, I remember you saying in another thread.
You must fight, if only for your lovely son.
I have had some very bleak times with this illness, thinking what is the point if this is how my life is going to be. But if I can just be a smiling face for my kids to see before they go to sleep, and arms to cuddle them when they are sad, then I have a purpose even if I have to spend the rest of the entire day in bed doing nothing.
But isn't there a sort of second appeal where it goes to tribunal?
Yes. But I'm too tired for that now. I don't want to fight. I just wanted to live peacefully. I can deal with the pain & fatigue but not so much the doing a crap job at work and fucking up DS and walking with a stick forever when apparently, I am not disabled.
I'm sick of being made to feel that this is in my head. I'm sick of having to prove to people that I am ill. I'm sick of pretending that I can manage.
I can't manage. I wish I could die in my sleep. I've begged for help. No-one will help me.
Have you told your sister about this latest set back?
I don't want her to panic and she will, which will make it worse. She's lovely & I saw her yesterday. She works really long hours & has a lot going on so deserves night or 2 off. She can't fix anything anyway.
Maybe I should have name-changed for this.
I have called the Samaritans before when the health issues all got to me. That was helpful. Someone just listened as I told it all from the beginning.
I feel sick. I don't know wtf to do. I could go & cry at my GP tomorrow but that won't achieve anything. He'll ask me what I want him to do & I don't know.
I feel so let down & alone. I've been honest about how I feel & it achieved nothing.
I've begged for help - any kind of help. No one takes me seriously.
I'm scared & exhausted & confused. I can't face a lifetime of this.
If I do go to GP, wtf do I say?
I've been awake since 3, fretting. I hate the daytime.
Oh grockle I'm really sorry about the DLA. Just wanted to say though that the majority of cases that go to tribunal win. They seem to fail virtually everyone on application. It was the same with ESA when DH applied. I know it is hard and scary but please do the tribunal (you can request someone from the CAB to go with you IIRC) xxx
Thanks Fuzz. The report is appallingly written, full of typos & incorrect information. Maybe I'll pursue it but at the moment I'm not in a fit state for anything & I don't think I can do it.
I called my GP this morning & he's away this week. There's no point me seeing anyone else. I was going to call the crisis team but there's no point in that either, as they already told me. I don't need the Samaritans because, much as I'm tempted to 'fall' off the cliff, I don't think I'm in danger today. WTF do you do when no-one can help? I cannot live like this. Something has to change and with no help, there's only 1 thing I can change. I feel horribly anxious, agitated & tearful. I can't do this every day.
The dog gets all upset when I cry so now she won't settle. She jumped on the bed last night to snuggle in an attempt to make me better, I think, but in doing so she scratched my eyelid so now I look even more hideous than usual.
You could have a look at the Benefits and Work site, which has lots of info about challenging DLA. You've had a reconsideration, did you appeal, it sounds like it if it's going to go to tribunal.
how are you this evening, grockle?
Sorry, really not been ok. Got DS back but been asleep since we got home. Feel dreadful, physically, and not much better mentally. I wish I could sleep til midsummer & wake with everything ok again. I don't want my life to be like this. I'm having major panics about the future - I honestly cannot do my job any more. I am meeting with occupation health dr this week - I don't really know what will happen or how honest I should be.
I could cope better with all of it if I didn't feel so helpless. I'm usually quite good at working out how to change things & what to do to make it better.
Just offering a gentle hug.
Thank you - I think I need to address certain things:
1) Come to terms with my illnesses, including new problems
2) Have proper advice about prognosis & how to manage my symptoms
3) Work out how to manage being ill, having DS & other life commitments
4)Decide what to do about work - what I can/ can't manage
5) Work out money/ house stuff & how to survive without DLA or anything (their refusal letter says I don't need DLA because I work)
6) Forget about DP, move on, don't allow him to come back this time
Hopefully, I'll be able to work on 1 & 2 after I seeing GP next week & consultant at the end of the month. Occupational Health will help me on No 4 next week which will mean I can then think about 5. No. 6 I am doing well on & feel less sad.
Really, I just want to hide away & sleep.
Sending love grockle.
Sorry I haven't posted much, but what with dodgy teeth and an ear infection I haven't been around much...
Grockle, I am thinking about you. Take time for yourself and your DS.
Thank you both.
I honestly don't know what to do with myself.
I hate all this night waking. And everything. I hate it all. When this first started, I used to be relieved when tests came back showing nothing - that was good... it meant that I didn't have anything serious. And it's still true, this won't kill me. Nor am I likely to go back to proper good health. Which means never escaping it. Ever.
On a slightly more positive note, DS seems glad to be home. He spent the whole day poking me, stroking my arm & kissing me, as if he couldn't quite believe I am real. And now he's sleeping in my bed...'just tonight because it's the first night home.' I wonder what his excuse will be tomorrow night?
Argh! I was awake at 2.30, then Again at 4ish & ice only dozed since then. Now I'll be grumpy & horrid all day
DLA is nothing to do with whether you can work or not I am horrified.
Aaaw at DS
That's what I thought. I might go through the document & list all the things that are incorrect, be they 'facts', typos or things they say I told them. I was too upset & angry when I looked at it before but I can do that now I am calmer. Thanks for your support.
I can relate to that grockle.
I have been tested for some hideous diseases and when they all came back negative I was thrilled obv....but.
It still doesn't help me cope on a day to day basis or decide how to live my life.
I know that may sound a bit silly, but do I try and look for job when ds2 goes to school in sept? Or do I just accept I will never be well enough?'
How much longer will dh out up wi this?
I don't know.
I honestly don't know, Badvoc. I want to work but I cannot do what I'm doing now & the longer this goes on, the more I think I need a proper break. Months... I don't see how I can recover if I don't have time to rest.
I'd love to work as a TA in a local school - but those jobs are few and far between & I've had so much time off, I won't be employable now. I know I cannot continue teaching as much as I do. The future is scary... quite likely no job, no DLA, a mortgage to pay, a child to support. WTF do I do? The worry is making me sick. I know we shouldn't worry about the what if's but I can't afford to be disabled
As for your DH, I can't say. Hopefully he'll be patient & supportive, unlike my DP who couldn't cope with me being 'more' ill than he was
I'm exhausted again - I've taken DS to the shops & took the dog for a 20 min walk. Now I need to go to bed for the afternoon. And moss out on time with DS. Again.
What about private tutoring grockle?
You could even do that in your own home!
ESP if you have sen experience.
I do agree that you need a rest. A long one.
I could but that would be out of school hours. I suppose if DS was busy playing, I could tutor a couple of times a week. I don't know. I guess there are options... I just feel so very exhausted - through my body & in my bones, it's hard to think I could manage anything other than rolling over in bed.
I can't manage to chose what to eat for breakfast (because that means looking at what we have, remembering the options, making a choice then deciding if I need a plate or a bowl, knife or a spoon etc... it's just too hard) let alone make decisions about my job! I wish I'd not taken it for granted when I was a relatively intelligent human being.
I know...I know
Just thought it might be an option as you could choose to work at your "best" times iyswim?
I have the horror of what to make for tea now!....
I am grateful for your suggestion though. Everything feels overwhelming now. I menuplan for the month & then order all freezer foods to be delivered. Tonight is stirfry (bag of frozen veg stirfry & noodles + some quorn chucked in) so at least it sounds like a meal, even if all I did was rip open a plastic wrapper. I feel so lazy... but I've noticed that no-one cares...DC don't care about quality of food - they don't know if it's lovely organic veg I've chopped myself or something that Tesco have prepared for me.
I'll come back on our Spoon thread now & stop whining.
I vowed that today would be a new start...being positive, getting on with it.
I was awake all night feeling feverish - shivering yet sweating. Sheets were soaked. So I made a cup of coffee & had a hot bath but knocked the coffee over & the whole bloody lot flooded the bathroom floor. I had to get out of the bath to mop it up then get back in, even more cold than before. Then I dropped my makeup bag & everything went everywhere then I tried to get the Hoover out but the entire cupboard fell out so I am now sitting on the floor in tears, surrounded by stuff, 3 children upstairs who want to go out & dog whining in my ear because she wants to go out too.
And I'm feeling angry with DP for leaving me like this.
Oh grockle. What a comedy of errors (IYSWIM) I have days like that where every bloody thing goes wrong!
I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself (with the 'new start' thing) - tempting as it is to want to be happy straightaway, it isn't, unfortunately, realistic. It just makes you feel worse when you don't live up to your own expectations, IM(extensive)E.
Have you read/heard anything about Mindfulness? We did a bit at the CFS group. It sounded a bit Woo at first but I found it really helpful. It is about recognising and accepting negative feelings, watching as they come and go, rather than battling against them all the time. It is really counterintuitive to me as I've spent most of my life with my mind in overdrive, distracting myself from scary thoughts (to the extent that I have massive concentration issues that interfere with everything, haven't got a hope in hell of driving etc) but having got used to the idea I have to say I'm finding it really useful.
Oh and of course you're angry with
(You should be - he has wronged you big style. You deserve better)
Thank you, fuzz. I have done an intensive course of mindfulness stuff & it is really helpful.
I'm just such a mess & I don't know how to get out of this pit I seem to be in. I'm in tears all the time, I can't take Ds to the park, I can't do anything.
How do I pay my mortgage if I can't go to work? How do I get help at home?
Grockle...do you have a local church out reach group?
We have one that organises lifts/appt help/shoppings etc
Or could you get the gp to contact the LA wrt home help?
I think our gp needs to know just how much you are struggling
I don't know... I'm not a churchgoer. If I feel like this in the morning, I will see my GP & ask about help. I feel so inadequate. How did I become this?
Your illness does not have to define you!
I am really glad you are seeing your gp tomorrow.
You strike me as the kind if person who goes to the gp and starts off by saying
"Well,it's not that bad, but......"
Would that be fair comment?
You must make them understand how bad you feel all the time and the effect it has not just in you but your dc.
I hesitate to mention this, as I think you are doing a bloody amazing job being so ill, looking after your dc and working too (!!) but maybe your best way to get some help would be to stress the effect it is/could have on your dc?
You are far far from inadequate grockle.
It doesn't matter one jot that you aren't a church goer.
Any church worth the name should be reaching out to people like you...isolated due to illness, age, MH problems etc
If you lived near me I would visit you and force feed you my home made flapjack
Oh Grockle I am so sorry you are so unwell and worried. I think there is a system for social sevices to assess the needs of disabled or ill adults and I do not just mean walking aids and gadgets. It was mentioned to me, but I did not manage to get anywhere ( although I did get help from the disabled childrens team as ds is disabled). I really do think that the GP should get things moving for you. The GP should know who to speak to. DLA is supposed to be there to help with the extra costs of disability.
Can you get a home visit from the money advice team put in the diary? It will probably be a wait but just knowing help is on the way should help. They should be able to help you with your appeal. There should be a mental health team the GP can contact for you. Sending a hug. Sorry I cannot just pop around. We need teleports!
magso is right - it may be that you are entitled to a social worker to help in co-ordinating the help you need, purely on the state of your physical health (let alone MH)
AIUI you have some help already booked, at least with one of your problems. They will also be able to advise you on a wide range of stuff, eg financial if that is needed (and if you wanted, of course).
Another flapjack maker here, Badvoc
Thank you all. It really helps to have sane people give advice... I can't think straight & all my thoughts blend into 1 big mess in my head
I hadn't thought of them advising on other issues, silver. That's a good suggestion. And yes, I'll be honest with my GP. I hate complaining (except on here ) but I agree, he needs to know how bad it is.
I'm So wary of SS which is silly as I have one (am a private foster carer) & work with them often at work. I think I just need to bite the bullet & ask for & accept any kind of help I can get.
I don't know what a money advise team do & a quick google didn't help. I shall investigate tomorrow.
Flapjacks are very welcome, thank you. In fact, my sister popped round this afternoon to deliver some cake. As she left, she said, 'I made flapjacks too' but she didn't bring any to us.
If you are a private foster carer, do you already have support in that field from someone - a voluntary organisation or something?
No support... I have students from a local language college. Because they stay for more than 28 days and are so young (10/11), I have to be registered as a foster carer. So, it's business really, rather than fostering. I will ask SW this week as she's visiting.
Why can I not sleep?
How are you Grockle. Poor sleep unfortunately seems to go with fatiguing illness and money worry doesn't help either.
The money advice lady ( I think it is a dept of 1 in our county!) is knowledgable on the intricaries of how the benefit systems work and also other grants and charities that can help. She checked ds DLA application form a few years back and offered to help appeal for a higher rate which I did not bother with. I know others (parents of disabled children) who she has helped. I am sure the same service is there for adults.
I have read that taking a magnesium (supplement) in the evening can help relax muscles etc, and have started doing this myself.
Interesting about magnesium. I've been thinking about trying supplements (I only take a multivitamin with iron).
Isn't it also magnesium salts that you can use in the bath or did I imagine that?
BTW I will be going to the CAB to ask for some help with DLA as apparently they can provide that (as well as accompaniment to tribunals)
Yes Fuzzpig it is magnesium in epsom salts that you put in the bath. either way is supposed to help.
CAB is good advice. Hope you are making some progress Grockle. Little steps at a time.
Hey grockle any sleep yet?
I'm such a mess now.
I can't face life. Everything is so hard. It all hurts. Emotionally & physically. I feel awful. I'm doing everything I need to do - spending time with DS, feeding him, taking him out. But I'm not really there. I'm missing everything. I cry all the time. I'm so very sad.
Last week DP sent me a photo he took the day he asked me to marry him
I now have more health problems on top of all the ones I was struggling with before.
I don't know wtf to do with myself. I'm really scared.
Did you go to the CAB grockle love?
So sorry you are going through this.
Oh no grockle
Sorry to hear about the extra health issues, are you getting them treated?
BTW you might feel like you are missing everything but your DS will see that you are there for him.
Are you back at work now or will you get signed off for a bit? xx
Yes, i went to CAB. Thank you silvery. The man said my application form was amazing & he said if it is all true then they had no grounds to refuse it. So now I feel like I lied. I didn't... I described my bad days (& my better ones). He knew me...I didn't recognise him but I think he must be a grandparent at DS's school who now knows everything about me. I am feeling sick with anxiety about going to tribunal. Last time I was in court was awful & scarred me for life. It made me very ill.
New problems being addressed but GP (not my usual one) was very concerned. Have to go back this week for tests & examination. Will probably be fine but worried me.
I'm not signed off because I was too scared to be alone for all that time every day. I cannot manage work though so I don't know what to do. I feel like I've ended up in an impossible situation & that there is no escape.
Hi Grockle well done on coming back here and going to CAB and GP. I am sooooo glad the GP is taking this seriously, they sounded a bit useless last time. I don't see how you can lose a tribunal. If you can't face court can you send an advocate? Like your sister or GP? There must surely be provision for people who are too unwell to attend a court appearance for disability
if it can get you out of court for murder
Building, I could not go to the tribunal but it sounds like it makes a huge difference being there - more cases are approved when the applicant is present so it makes sense to go. It won't be for 8-10 weeks so not something to worry about yet.
The GP knows nothing of this side of things- I didn't even mention the fibro/ lupus stuff. It's about my bleeding so much and for so long (3 weeks now this time).
I should mention all this, or see my usual one because I'm not coping. But, if the crisis people couldn't help, I don't know who can. I really can't cope with anyone else telling me they can't help & I don't actually know what anyone can do. I just know that I am feeling horribly low & have been for weeks (months?) & am in desperate need of something.
A tribunal is not like a court. It is 3 people sitting in a room, hearing and reading evidence, honestly it's not nearly as scary as people think. Much better to have a professional with you, like a CAB worker (CAB will always assign a worker for that kind of work, not a volunteer, at least that's how it used to be.
You need to submit any evidence you can get from GP - you are entitled to copies of your medical notes (though might have to pay something towards the copying)
Anyway, no need to worry too much for a few days. The main thing is to level about your entire state of health with a trusted GP.
Thank you. I will get to my usual GP after this week & ask for something more from him & also from at least one of my consultants.
I hate feeling scared of myself. I want to feel well. Or at least less anxious & unhappy. I wish someone could have helped me. It's horrible, feeling like a lost cause.
Have you got a counsellor Grockle? I know you have a psych etc, but talking regularly with someone (perhaps about your past issues too) would surely help with the anxiety. You aren't a lost cause, things are unimaginably tough for you now, keep asking for help til you get it xx
No, no counsellor. I was referred for counselling but then my referral to the psych took over & I was no longer entitled to counselling. I called MH team on Friday to make an earlier appointment & they said they'd call back but haven't. So not only have they refused to help when I've been suicidal, they won't help me be seen. Why am I bothering fighting when absolutely no-one will help me?
I'm so exhausted. I. can't. do. this. any. more.
The MH team called me today to offer me an appointment in August I explained that I had called 3 weeks ago because I was feeling unsafe & scared & that an appointment in August was not helpful. In the end, I told them that it seemed like the only way of getting any help was to seriously hurt myself. They'll call me back tomorrow.
It's so frustrating to be trying to do the right thing but with no help at all, despite begging.
Well donefor telling them Grockle, I hope they heard you and can offer you some support soon.
It's so frustrating when you use the last ounce of energy and resolve to call for help - and then don't get it. Hope they ring back tomorrow.
I have just noticed this so I am including it in my post
I wish I could sleep properly. This waking up every night is not helpful. And I miss DP. ExP .
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