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Please help

(50 Posts)
BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 12:46:09

I have posted before about an overwhelming feeling of wanting things to end. It started as a fantasy and it's now a really strong intent.

I can visualise taking an overdose and have had these visions for days.

I promised my therapist I'd call my GP if i felt I would act on it.

I called my GP who referred me to the crisis team who are supporting me by telephone. (weather is too bad for home visits)

They have prescribed me 6 tablets of diazepam to last today and tomorrow. I am just waiting for MIL to drop them round. The problem is I know as soon as I get them I will take them all. The feeling is to strong to fight and that is before I even have them. Part of me feels happy that I have made that decision and I know it won't kill me as it will be 30mg but I know it will numb this crappy reality for a bit.

I just needed to tell someone. I needed to get it out. Part of me knows this is ridiculous but I can't shake this.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 13:12:03

BloominMarvellous, well done for being brave enough to admit how you feel. That's a first step. Now please get someone to help you though - you mustn't be on your own. Is there anyone who could come and sit with you? Or anyone you could leave on Skype to chat to? Also try the Samaritans. Or any of the numbers that Mumsnet suggest, or your therapist.

Please, please get help from someone who is trained to support, as fast as you can. I'm hoping a little part of you must want this help, or you wouldn't have posted. Hang in there!

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 13:31:43

bump

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 14:43:01

Thank you for replying. I have the tablets and the feeling is too strong. I know I am going to take them all. 6 tablets can't harm me though. Maybe I should just sleep it off and hope I feel ok tomorrow? At least this urge will be gone?

Urgh I feel so confused and crap.

Sorry just needed a rant.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 15:01:14

Ranting is good - much better than bottling it up. Again, please please get someone else to help - you really need support right now, and someone "real" to talk to. Conversation with a real person who knows you and your circumstances will help to balance out the negative thoughts and keep them at bay.

In the meantime I will pass on something a counsellor once taught me: try to think of anything good that you can. ANYthing. Even as small as, ice cream tastes nice. Or the snow looks pretty. It helps to balance out the crap!

With the tablets - I was previously given Diazepam for a back injury. After a few days it made me feel very very down emotionally and tearful and a GP told me they can have a depressive effect, so PLEASE be careful with them. Sleep is good, but drug-induced sleep less so.

I really really hope you feel better soon, and that you are able to get support from somewhere ASAP. Don't give up!

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 15:26:32

I feel stupid sad i rang crisis and told her that if I took one I will take them all because the urge is too strong and she didn't know what to say.

She couldn't suggest anything other than take one and go straight to bed so I don't take any more.

I feel like I'm wasting everyone's time. I feel so silly after telling her that I wanted to take 6 measly tablets. She has probably dealt with people who have taken a lot more sad

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 15:42:05

Well done for calling them, and you should most definitely not feel stupid! You are absolutely not wasting people's time - that's the depression making you feel that way.

I think maybe you need someone who knows your situation and history - they're more likely to be able to offer specific advice and the best support as national helplines can only offer general. Is there any way you can speak to your therapist? Or a friend/family/neighbour? Failing that, call your GP or the crisis team again and tell them exactly how you feel: that you're scared to touch the tablets in case you take more, and tell them you need urgent help. I really think you should not be on your own - it's very hard to combat negative/suicidal thoughts without support.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 15:50:28

Why am I like this?? Its like a different person doing this.

I opened them to take one like they said. But I opened them all. It's like an automatic thing sad

I have taken 3 x 5mg diazepam and 4 x 20mg of fluoxetine. I am torn between taking more and just sleeping hoping they kick in and give me a good few hours sleep.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 16:00:25

From what I've heard that's exactly how depression/suicidal thoughts make you feel, sort of detached - and afterwards it's hard to believe it was you. You are not fully in control of yourself with all that misery in your head, so please try not to make any final decisions now.

If you can, get some sleep as it will help. If you can't, PLEASE do try to speak to someone who knows you - they will be able to help in ways a stranger can't.

But for what it's worth this stranger really hopes you will be ok!

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 16:02:22

Thank you so much. I felt so stupid when telling the woman at crisis and when she said take one and go to bed it made me feel like I was making a big deal out of nothing.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 16:14:12

You're more than welcome.

Feeling stupid is part of the cycle of negative thinking - I do understand why you felt like that but you are not stupid, even without knowing you I can see you had the sense to ask for help.

And suicidal thoughts are never nothing. (I was also once told they don't necessarily mean you actually want to die - they're almost like a separate thing with a life of their own.)

I am sending you healing thoughts, and hope you do feel better after a sleep. (I know sleep deprivation can send people quite over the edge all by itself.) And again, please please get in touch with someone who knows you and can give you the support you need as soon as you can - don't be alone in this, you need reinforcements vs the suicidal thoughts and there are people who really do care.

I don't have much advice - but now you have taken them, go make a cuppa (tea, coffee, hot Ribena, whatever makes you feel good), get into bed and get cosy.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 16:30:56

I have the out of hours doctor contacting crisis for me.

I can't cope with this on my own anymore. I know i will just take them to make me feel numb to it all.

Really feeling spaced out now.

Wow I am so stupid.

Would you believe I am an intelligent person normally sad

Everyone is going to think I'm such an idiot

markymark Sat 23-Mar-13 16:31:28

Just wanted to say well done for calling the Crisis line, all the advice given so far seems really sensible so have nothing to add but just wanted to say take care and hope you feel a little better after your sleep

markymark Sat 23-Mar-13 16:33:31

sorry, X-posted. You are absolutely not an idiot or stupid, like creature teacher said, it's part of the cycle of negative thinking. You are contacting people for help when you need it - that's not stupid, it's smart.

crossparsley Sat 23-Mar-13 16:34:51

Please keep talking to the crisis line. Life can feel like incurable shit sometimes, I know. But it can also offer new friends, laughs, loving moments. I had a life-threatening disease 7 years ago and in the last 7 years I have been terribly depressed at times, but also had some wonderful experiences. Seen and done special things (simple, free-cheap stuff like art, music, even the weather) and made forever friends. I am so glad I survived. Don't cheat yourself of that. Please.

You are not wasting anyone's time! We're all volunteering to post, for a start. You are worth much, much, much more than you seem to think right now. It's not how you wil always think, I guarantee.

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 17:04:56

Crossparsley is absolutely right. Life can undeniably suck at times, but then you get past it and it gets better. Been there too. And I did learn that the best thing you can do is to talk to people - which you're already doing, which is fantastic.

No-one thinks you are an idiot either - not at all. Feeling this low isn't at all stupid - it's just something horrible happening to you and you're doing your best to handle it. Other people will help and make that easier, and again I agree with Crossparsley that you won't always feel this bad.

I'm very impressed that you did reach out for help - that's not always easy, and you managed it! You will get there.

(The spaced out thing will be the pills kicking in, don't worry.)

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 17:18:13

Argh the stupid woman at crisis had a right go at me. My friend called her concerned about me and she rang me having a go at me for distressing my friend sad

She then said you've ignored my advice so what exactly do you want me to do.

I feel I've been told off for something I specifically told her I would do sad

I'm so upset after that call

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 17:29:03

Oh no, I'm sorry! But don't give up. Tell the doctors what's happening - keep talking to people.

If you're finding it hard to resist the other pills, try this - say to yourself, I won't take them just yet, I will read a book or watch TV (comedy best) for half an hour first. Then at the end of the half hour, tell yourself not for half an hour again. Breaking up the time might be less daunting.

And do keep talking to people - there are lots of other helplines and medical services out there, just keep telling them how you feel.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:35:58

Please keep talking - can you tell us what is happening now? why you feel like this?

The woman from the crisis centre sounds like an idiot!

What about the samaritans, could you call them do you think?

can you go to A&E? We are all here for you - please don't do anything, you are loved.

Do you have children? Just trying to paint a picture of you in my mind - want to help. Mnet saved me this week - just by talking, offloading, gettin things straight in my head. Whats bought this on sweetheart?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:37:26

Could you leave yourself with just enough pills to get you over until monday?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 17:38:30

flush the rest down the toilet? The thing is, you probably don't have enough tablets to kill yourself but if you take them all you could do yourself serious long-term damage - you don't want to do that.

Talk to us - we are all here, holding your hand

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 17:40:59

It's been building for a few weeks now. My family have tipped my over the edge by telling me I am imagining the abuse they put me through.

Being insulted and criticised by my family has upset me even though I know what they are like.

I don't have any children but I do have a DP and a DSS.

DP can't get his head around any if this and keeps saying chin up which upsets me.

I have let everyone down and even the crisis team don't know how to help me.

I'm 24, i shouldn't be going through this. I want to be normal sad

Could you go to a&e? Please don't take anymore. You're not stupid at all. Depression is a horrible illness. You are important. Don't think you've let people down, you're just finding it hard to cope. Is there anyone you could get to be with you now?

williaminajetfighter Sat 23-Mar-13 18:03:12

Please try to get some help if it means going to the A&e then please do it.

This time last year my father was, as far as I understand, having similar feelings. My mum tried to get him to hospital but he didn't want to bother them/anyone. Later that night he shot himself. It's left a huge mark in my family obviously but I wish so much he had've sought help. That's what hospitals are for- for people feeling unwell.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 18:05:39

The out of hours doctor is coming to my house to assess me.

They mentioned the police if i get any worse. The woman is being really horrible. She sounds like she is trying to scare me. What I need is a hug not scaring any more than I am

I hope the dr is sympathetic to your needs. You are obviously upset and scares but things can and will get better. Please believe that. With be right help you will get through this. Hugs xx

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 18:12:00

Fuck her! Just get what you need!! im glad the dr is coming insist that you are given help. Where is your DP? can he come and be with you?

Teachercreature Sat 23-Mar-13 18:15:38

Very relieved to hear the doctor is coming now - they should be able to get you the support you need and that will make all the difference. Very very best of luck! x

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 18:58:16

He came out and took my blood oressure and said it's fine. He said ring crisis.

I rang crisis and they said if the doctor said I'm fine physically then there is nothing they can do tonight.

I don't know what I want them to do but I feel like I'm being dismissed and they all sound so annoyed.

I give up sad I'm not calling again sad

Oh I wish they'd help you more. Can you go to a&e? Can anyone be with you at least? I hate thinking of you all alone and feeling so awful.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 19:08:05

My DP has come home and has been speaking to the nurse at crisis. I never knew.

I think he is trying to get me sectioned. I'm scared. I wanted help but not that sad

I have no experience of that but might it help? It may be just the break that your head needs. It would probably be short term I imagine but you would get the help you need.

Try not to worry, easier said than done. It may not come to that. I hope they can get you the help you need x

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 20:09:55

I feel under so much pressure. DP and MIL are asking me what we are going to do about bills whilst I'm ill.

DP is angry with me for taking the pills and said my life isn't bad enough to end it. He doesn't understand the urges regardless of how my life is.

Everyone seems angry with me and it's making me feel ashamed and wondering if it would be better to just get on with it and end things. I don't want to feel this pressure anymore sad

I'm sorry you feel so low BloomingMarvellous.

First of all, please please try not to be so cross with yourself. You would not choose this, of course you wouldn't, this is a process that is part of you not feeling brilliant at the moment.

Things can change. It is tough though.

First of all, what do you want? Do you need psychological support? Do you need a break? Do you need to sleep? Crisis can help you but the focus in MH is always on recovery and taking as much responsibility for yourself as you can. So the reality is that if they feel you can manage your risk with their support that is what they will do. I know that sounds really harsh and it feels really scary.

To reassure you, it is quite hard to get sectioned (and I say this as someone who IS sectioned!), taking an overdose or feeling suicidal is not necessarily a reason to be sectioned and if they do feel an admission is appopriate (do you?) you can go to hospital informally.

You can go to A&E to get support but it is likely to be the same team that you are working with over the phone. Face to face might enable you to communicate better with them.

Crisis will look at what they need to do to get you through the next few hours/tonight - what do you think will help? Can your DP keep the diazepam for you so you can be safer with it? Do you feel unwell from taking too many tablets? You must of course seek medical attention if you feel unwell.

I am sorry if this is too much info. I have lots of experience of being under the crisis service and feeling unsafe.

I hope you are ok, be kind to yourself.

currentlyconfuseddotcom Sat 23-Mar-13 20:29:35

Bloomin, sorry that you feel this way - has anything prompted it? You should not be being asked about bills right at this moment. Is your DP generally helpful?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 20:37:43

Sweetheart - they are not angry, they are scared - I have times when i am suicidal, its so bleak isn't it? My DPs reaction is to get cross with me - its because he feels helpless and can't help me. You don't want to be sectioned but do you feel that you MAY benefit from some time in hospital? I only say this because what else can they do - the crisis team don't seem to be able to help, so maybe a short stay in hospital, get your medication sorted? might help? If you want to? on your terms?

You would be surprised the things people say to me regarding my MH issues - if i had a pound for every time i was told to pull myself together...........its annoying, i woudlnt be told this if i had the fucking flu!

What do you WANT to happen OP?

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 20:40:07

Thank you fluffy, I have been reading your posts so know what a tough time you have had.

I am starting to feel sick so I'll keep an eye on anything else and go to A&e. I think the problem is I don't trust myself and can't cope with the pressure of everything going on. Even normal things like housework I just can't cope with so part of me wants to go into hospital but the other part is terrified.

My DP is really upset and doesn't have any understanding of MH. I can't explain to him how i feel. He just can't get his head around any of it. I think he is looking at the practicalities as a way of coping.

The problem is DP has made me feel really selfish because he said it's not just me that is affected by this. He is of course right but it's all just more pressure sad

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 20:42:01

Lucyellensmum part of me wants them to just say I need to go to hospital.

My problem is I don't want to make the decision. I need somebody to tell me what to do.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 20:47:32

It wouldnt be just you that is affected i you had diabetes that wasn't being stabilised just now. It wouldnt be considered your fault, anymore than your MH issues are at the moment.

I know exactly what you mean about the admission, this week i had a bad time and got an emergency referral to the MH team - i partly wanted an admission, if it wasn't for DD i would have welcomed it. Fluffy (hi fluffy!) can probably comment more on what this would be like than what i can. If you had a really bad chest infection would you be questioning an admission? of course not.

I suspect howeer that an admission isn't on the cards or the OOH doc would have suggested it. Fluffy? Can this be requested?

The reality is they are unlikely to tell you to go - they will want you to make that decision, and it might be difficult for them to section you and make that decision for you legally. It can be difficult to get a bed and they will really want you to recover at home, recovery can be a bit more meaningful at home (hospital can be like a bubble).

That said, if you feel you are at a significant risk to your life then they do need to step up the support offered. Is the weather really that bad?

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 20:59:55

We have a foot of snow so they are providing a skeleton service.

When I rang crisis and said I have a lot of tablets and intend to take them all she sounded like she was telling me off saying it's a silly idea and suggested I take one diazepam and go to bed. I told her the urge to take them all is so strong I can't guarantee this.

She then said she would call later in the evening to see how i am. But by then I'd taken them. She called out a doctor but that's it.

I think I'm just going to have to show up in A&e if i feel like that again.

Part of me doesn't want to die, i hate the urges I am having and feel so useless when I can't control them.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:05:16

Is your DP with you now? Can he take the tablets and just give them to you at the appropriate dose?

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 21:09:18

I don't have any diazepam left. They only gave me 6 tablets which have gone.

He has taken the rest so i can't get to them.

It all sounds so stupid, having somebody having to hide my medication and watch me. How did I get like this?!

I would ring them back and ask for more support if you need it and go to A&E if you think face to face will work.

As I said, in MH the focus is on encouraging you to take respoinsbility for yourself and encouraging you to take that control to stay safe. I know it is easier said than done and I know that sometimes it just feels impossible.

I suppose from my perspective, it is very difficult when people do take your choices away so I would advise you to think very carefully about that. IP MH units can be healing and relaxing but they can be stressful and noisy and they don't take the problems away.

The woman from crisis is right in that taking the tablets is probably not your finest idea and that taking one and going to bed and sleeping through this horrid night won't fix things but it might give you a little break mentally.

What do you want them to do? Do you think you need some longer term medication (anti-depressants/anti-anxiety?), or some talking therapy? One thing I have asked for in the past is support to take the control back, so I am not saying I can't do it but I am finding it hard.

I am so sorry you feel so low and I hope my advice is not too harsh.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:18:22

I wish i had the answer to tht my love, it is something I have asked myself this past week. But maybe what we should be asking ourselves is how we move on. You are young (my DD is your age) and you have so much ahead of you. Not all good i daresay, life is hard but there will be so much happiness i promise you.

Its not stupid, you are ill - thats all - its an illness. It just happens to be one that the medical profession understands well enough to have definitive treatmesnt for, its very trial and error.

Let your DP look after you tonight - try to sleep if you can. Tomorrow is a new day and maybe, just maybe the weather might start to improve - i NEED some sunshine!

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 21:22:47

Your advice isn't harsh at all i really appreciate that you have all taken the time to help me.

I completely understand why they focus on you taking control yourself and managing things at home.

My therapist thinks the EMDR has caused this so we have stopped that for a while.

Talking therapy might be good as I have so much in my head.

This is going to sound so pathetic but ive been in charge of the house and making sure everything is ok and helping everyone with problems that I want to be looked after. I want someone to tell me what to do and to give me a break from the responsibilities I have. I have kind of given up on myself and on life.

I'm so sorry how pathetic this all sounds.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 21:23:57

Oh yes I NEED some sunshine too. This snow is getting on my nerves!!!

This will be my last post because my laptop battery is going (and in hospital you are not allowed the cable!)

I know what you mean, but in hospital I guess you have a different responsibility? They don't tell you what to do, but it is a break from taking your meds on time and keeping the house clean. My DH does my washing but lots of people here do it themselves in the laundry room. I suppose I just don't want you to think it is like the films, they don't really tell you what to do. It can be quite boring tbh, and you sort of float around all day sometimes! You have to to take the responsibility to wash / dress / eat / participate in activities etc.

Anyway. I feel like I am making this about me. I am just trying to show you that the grass is not always greener and being at home is much nicer! I hope you can continue to talk to your partner and crisis tonight and remain safe. You are doing all of the right things which shows you do want to feel better. You can and will get through this.

ps. people watch me wee - don't worry about someone supporting you with your meds ;)

Take care of yourself. Watch crap TV, eat chocolate, wear pjs, and chill as much as you can.

BloominMarvellous Sat 23-Mar-13 22:24:03

Thank you Fluffy, i am taking on board everything you say. It is so appreciated.

I am slobbing out in pj's and had a curry. Feeling very calm and spaced out (thank you diazepam) so i will be fine tonight.

Just got to sit and wait for the assessment so i know where I go from here

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