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Andes up - who needs a rock to lean on? Rock on over here!

(967 Posts)
ThatVikRinA22 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:27:08

in honour of ed and her mountain ranges.....smile

welcome to thread 3 - this is a support thread for anyone needing a hand to hold while they get through depression or any other mental health problems - long term or temporary. All are welcome.

linky to old thread

HellesBelles396 Tue 19-Mar-13 16:26:52

Hurrah! I why to go first - that's right. I broke my no mid-week posting rule to put my towel on the sunbed (huge grin).

NanaNina Tue 19-Mar-13 17:17:02

WOW I am only 3rd to post on new thread. Well done Vicar for getting another great title.

SO much seems to have happened since my last post (HM asleep today and yesteday)and I am taking 15mg mirtazapine and no side effects only dry mouth.

Well I read some very very kind words about me a day or so ago but can't remember who said them - think it was BF and maybe Vicar - anyway I was described as a "lovely lady with a generous spirit" and other nice things. They were soooooooo needed on that day, so whoever said it thank you!

I think the thread took a side turn and there was talk of bathroom painting, how long plaster takes to dry and bra sizes! Think there were more but can't remember.

Someone (and I really can't remember- maybe BF but not sure) was amazing because she knew each and every one of us and posted something to us. She has a posh notebook and keeps records of us and our particular MH issues.........who was, please step forward and take a bow. I was mightily impressed and think I'm going to do the same, especially as others may need a "rock to lean on"

I have noticed people who we haven't seen for ages pop up on the old thread ua and er er someone else....oh god my memory cells are so worn and I don't know where to buy replacements!

SO glad you have that interview (Vicar) and so hope you get the job, because now you are more or less recovered you should be fine at the interview. I have thought you have been going round and round in circles with your ruminations about the police and the more you post the more I think you are NOT cut out for police work. You are too warm hearted, too caring and nurturing for the police.

Hi Ed I've read a lot of your posts but can't remember them all - know you are feeling crap at the mo - sounds like physical crap rather than mental crap? Also hope you get the bullying of one of your twins at school sorted out. Sometimes your lists of what you have done leave me breathless.

But snowymouse where are you - can you please pop by even if it's just to say Hi - I think about you a lot and hope you are feeling as well as can be expected, given your circumstances.

Sorry to everyone I've forgotten. Can I suggest we all "enrol" onto this thread and then I'm going to keep a record of everyone! What do you reckon?

I'll start (something like this)
NanaNina 69 yrs old woman, diagnosis depression and anxiety (intermittent) but severe when bouts occur, without triggers or warning signs. Retired social worker & manager. Caring DP and kids all grown, 3 grandchildren. Like to stay under my duvet and hide from the world but force myself up by 1.00. Have severe bouts of crying on bad days. On good days I am "me" - yippee!!

and you................................................................

YAY YAY YAY YAY To vicar and yes it is worth shouting about!

I am honoured by the thread title.

My lists are my current therapy.

So me...I'm 35 at the moment but only for another 36ish hours.
Lots of major stressful life events over the last year (redundancy, seperation from a cheating xp...whilst he continues to cheat with the married woman that lives over the road from me, attempting a PGCE as a new single parent to 3 children, bearevement). Finally had a meltdown oct last year and have been off sick from PGCE and on 40mg fluoxetine since.
I have no idea what the formal diagnosis from that lot is but mental health assessments result in v high depression and anxiety scales. Additional current stresses include a dtd that is being bullied and a friend that is possibly emotionally abusing me. Historically abused as a child.
Currently trying to break a boom and bust cycle I am in.

Oh and I appear to be obsessed with mountain ranges...

mamakoukla Tue 19-Mar-13 18:22:31

(quickly lines up to bag a comfy seat with soft cushions, a snuggly blanket and a sunny window opposite. Maybe a cup of freshly brewed and still steaming coffee as well. Some nice plants around to liven the area up)

I am popping in quickly. DD at home with me today as she had a fever yesterday again. She is still in good spirits.

PS Vicar, the interview is a wonderful affirmation. Whatever comes and wherever you go, each little milestone is a further one on the path. Don't forget the lessons you have been learning.

NanaNina here is my little biopic -

Mamakoukla, dealing with the effects of workplace harassment and abuse and not having the sense or strength to walk away. I am dealing with anxiety and PTSD. It has been an incredible and at times impossible journey and I am only starting to have some glimmer of future hope. The support I have found on this thread, started by Vicar, and an appreciation of the many shades of 'normal' for those of us who are living with mental health challenges has made a huge difference to me and helped me be more accepting and kind especially to myself. For example, I have found respite on the worst days by letting myself have rest whereas before I felt wrong to do so. It was one of my turning points. I love the thoughtfulness, the openness, the camaraderie, the thread in total.

Ed many thanks for making me part of the Himalayas. They are fascinating so that's a compliment. They are still undergoing significant structural change, with accompanying impact to the flora and fauna, and they cover different cultures and geographies. I like diversity, the interconnectedness of factors and how they interplay, and all of these are things I am curious about smile

Sending hugs to allxxx

mamakoukla Tue 19-Mar-13 18:32:42

biopic = wrong term

More like biosketch

HellesBelles396 Tue 19-Mar-13 18:37:52

hellesbelles aka Helles or hb. 35 and 22 hours!
ds of 12.
xh long gone - no contact. diagnosis: sad (both kinds), premenstrual dysphoria (no longer called pms!), gad, and - unsurprisingly - depression. chronic kind so life-long medication sad
procrastinator par excellence

reasons? mum and dad both mh issues so grew up in a very negative environment always anticipating worst possible outcome + dm toxic cos everything's all about her.

work as an hlta, run a cub pack, finishing degree through OU. bloody shattered.

hate washing up.

slightly obsessed by how much worse one feels after staying on bed all day!

SnowyMouse Tue 19-Mar-13 18:58:03

I'm 33, still here, diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder

N

SnowyMouse Tue 19-Mar-13 18:58:27

No dh, dcs, pets etc

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 19-Mar-13 20:50:49

hi snowy! so glad you found us again at the new place smile

hope the others find us, and of course all welcome old and new.

I feel slightly incredulous about the interview....best dust off my suit. Its in April though and chances are i'll be back at work....not quite sure what to tell them. I thought that job was long gone, i applied at the end of January. Only down side is its a big drop in pay....
im going to go to interview anyway. its practice. Plus if i am back to work before then, i will be able to weigh up better whether i want out or not.

so then. quick run down on me.

Am 41, married 22 years in April to very kindly DH. 2 kids, eldest is DS and is 21, has Aspergers Syndrome, Dyslexia and Dyspraxia, is at the minute away for the final year of his degree in Computer Science. Its been respite of sorts.
Youngest is 15, DD, both kids very affable and generally nice. (though DS is hard work...)

I am currently suffering for the first time in my life from depression which has required medication, but ive always had anxiety issues. On 100mg Sertraline (which i have just realised i have omitted to take today so be back in a mo......)

right. im back.
Probably triggered in part due to the incredible stress i felt under in my job. Then the crushing disappointment in realising my dream job is a crushing disappointment - or maybe im a crushing disappointment....still trying to work it out.

I got into the police 2 1/2 years ago. DS was going to uni....yay i thought.....not to be though. DS is still very much a full time job, and i got myself into a bit of a pickle. My physical health suffered dreadfully and i finally gave up the ghost in November last year when my GP signed me off and put me on the sertraline. At that time i didnt really believe for one minute that i was depressed, but i was spending more and more time in bed, appetite went, energy levels were zero, i felt crap, i looked crap and i did nothing but sleep, my body was knackered, (verruca gate anyone? ) i felt drained. I had put it all down to working shifts. its taken until very recently to feel anything like back in the land of the living. So a good 5 months. I have been helping out at a local livery yard where im learning to ride, and that has been a tonic. Ive also been diagnosed with a hiatus hernia which is causing damage to my vocal chords. stress and nights apparently dont help. (no shit sherlock!)

the whole thing has been a surprise to me. I have gone through some very difficult times and prided myself on my ability to make like the duracell bunny....just go on regardless.

I come from a very dysfunction family, which included abuse and neglect, hospitalisations and social workers until i finally left home at 15. i did attempt to maintain contact with toxic mother and step father but 13 years ago i realised they did nothing but hurt me. I cut contact. ive had none since. i found out step father died relatively young (52) of heart attack (not bloody surprised - always wondered how he avoided bursting a blood vessel....he was a thick, sadistic, pathetic little bully boy who could not control his anger) mother attempted to get in touch last year - i had counselling and decided to keep my distance. ditto with half brother, who is very damaged. (identity crisis - wears womens clothes, is alcoholic, was homeless for 3 years and a heroin addict for 10 years....) so you can see what i was missing! i am the white sheep of the family....grin

im surprisingly sane considering (honest!)

DS had meningitis at 3 and was gravely ill and in hospital for almost 2 months, and took 2 years to recover. Through his childhood my life was a whirlwind of working part time, hospital appointments and fights with school to get his disabilities recognised as a special educational need....

then in 2004 my beloved sister died in a car accident.

Ive no idea why now. why i hit rock bottom only now. but i did. but im slowly feeling better. ive accepted that i did need the meds. that i did need the rest.

i thought i was perfect material for a career in the police, but the culture is hard, and i dont think i fit it. I also have issues with confidence.

this is now the 3rd thread - its been a lifeline. The ladies who post on here have been my rocks....my confidantes, my friends.

all are welcome. its a lovely place - full of warm and lovely ladies who chivvied me up when i need it and gave me space to do what ever i needed to do to aid recovery. Even if that meant staying in bed. Bed was my safe space for many weeks. I found we had that in common and i felt less guilty about it!

The thread title is because ed had a few associated us all with mountain ranges....im Ayres Rock, (which i love!) her impressive knowledge of mountain ranges has come in handy....and its a nice description. something majestic about mountains, and they are still there, standing tall, after all those years. So im very proud to be a rock to anyone who needs one, just as these lovely, warm and kind hearted ladies have been to me!
smile

right. enough of the soppy stuff.

here is to the next 40 pages! wine

EggwiniasRevenge Tue 19-Mar-13 22:00:39

Evening all.

Glad to see most have found their way over here smile

There is a flaw in the plan of me giving everyone the names of rocks..I don't have a rock name...I didn't name myself sad

Now I have a dilemma. I need opinions on something...its all tied into the bullying.

G1 was at same primary. Shes the queen bee. She has incited poor behaviour in others. Settled down since teacher had words but still excludes dtd1 but feelings mitual.

G2 different primary. Initially involved by way of doing G1s dirty work. Pushing chairs back. Name calling. All minor in isolation. Some incidents yesterday which seemed to be her ringleading.

G3 same primary. Mostly laughing along with the others but some name calling.

G4 different primary. Mostly laughing along with the others. Don't think she has actually done anything specific to dtd1.

G1 is the worst offender...through to G4 who is the minimal offender in DTD1s eyes if that makes sense.

Now G2 and G4 will talk to DTD1 but only if G1 isn't around. They had great fun at play when G1 isn't there but when she is DTD1 is excluded.

Now...DTD1 has been invited to G4s sleepover/party. She obviously wants to go. I'm reluctant given the bullying. She still gets on with G4. She's never really not got on with her...but G4 is very much in allegience with the queen bee. G4 categorically won't speak to DTD1 if queen bee is about...and they have all been invited. There are however about 8 going in all.

Wwyd...sleepover or no sleepover???.

bassetfeet Tue 19-Mar-13 23:12:35

ED this is the mountain name I choose for you . Chomolungma

earthobservatory.nasa.gov/IOTD/view.php?id=1155

Tibetan word for Everest .........Mother goddess of the world flowers

Can change it if you want though . Wont be huffed wink.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 19-Mar-13 23:22:52

ok
first things first....you need a rock. since you are my mumsnet twin i give you

twin rocks, Utah

there are so many amazing rock formations to choose from!

now this sleepover....

have you talked to DTD1 and asked her what she thinks? its a really difficult call....on the one hand DTD1 will not want to be left out, and it could sort out the bullying if she did go.

or it could be a nightmare for her, if the rest gang up and carry on....

what does DTD1 think will happen? Part of me thinks it would be a real shame to have her miss out because of Queen Bee....

but is it just going to upset her if she does go?

does she have a mobile phone?
would she ring you if it was horrible for her?
are you in a position to go and get her if she says she needs to come home?

i would sit down and talk to her about the reality of what might happen...if you trust her to call you if it goes pear shaped then id let her go.

do you know Queen Bees parents at all?
or G4 parents? i would be inclined to speak to G4s mum and just let her in on whats been happening at school - if she is a decent person and you trust her to keep an eye on things then let her go. i would go out of my way to find out about G4s parents.....

if not....then i would do my best to talk her out of it.
Girls are a nightmare for this crap. DD is being left alone at min....after the little darlings egged my house its all gone quiet. I think parents found out....no idea how though. that said, i did report to police.....just in case things got worse....and DD spoke to trusted teacher at school....it seems to have done the trick whatever it was.

its a worry. hope you get it sorted ed

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 19-Mar-13 23:24:14

like bassets rock choice! much more profound than mine!

bassetfeet Tue 19-Mar-13 23:32:01

Cant think of anything to add to Vicars excellent advice re the bullying . Just am horrified at the cruelty of these girls . Speak to the mum definately and give your daughter a mobile to contact you . Ask her to give you a quiet call from loo so you know she is ok and all is going well /or not .........so you dont spend the night fretting Ed .

bassetfeet Wed 20-Mar-13 00:15:33

Anyway before I hit the stairs and the nightie
A warm hug to UA . I am so sorry to hear of your dads illness and hope his improvement continues . A very worrying time for you . I know a little how it feels re the illness piled on illness . Stay strong as you can and keep posting if it helps flowers

Another warm hug to SirBoob . I know your name and have noticed the kind and sensible empathy that you give to others . So sorry that you are struggling at the moment. After surgery you are bound to feel vulnerable and it does shake a fragile psyche. I do hope that you will share here with us anything that troubles you . I find writing one of the best therapies ever .
At least online if I witter then I can be deleted or hidden !

Ok Nina my back history as it is

Always anxious child and mother narcissist with enabling father. That light bulb moment came when my dear sister had to have therapy in her forties.
Hospitalised after suicide attempt when I was 19 .
Then met my OH who has been my rock since then . Have two sons .Worked and adjusted our shifts ...got dog ......walking holidays .....happy and very very lucky .

Had bad breakdown in my 40s . Looking back it was caused by the pressure I felt under from work and the ridiculous hours I worked without pay late .
Thought I was superwoman [silly sod] ....so home cooked meals and pristine house blah blah . Now know I was just trying to keep control on my environment as my mind went into meltdown .

Had time off and went back to work without meds or therapy offered . Fine for a while on the surface .

Two years later . Yup it happened again . I became agrophobic with panic attacks and couldnt leave my home without a family member. The shame of that is seared into my soul. No it shouldnt be . But it is.

My guardian angel appeared one day after a very dark time when by chance I was given appt with this GP . Meds given and kindness . So overlooked isnt it Kindness ?

Anyway I worked hard for a few more years but was finding it hard to keep up My husband got diagnosed with aggressive cancer. So I left after seeing the signs of another meltdown .

Find mindfulnness a huge help . And this place that Vicar started bless you .

Nose down on the keyboard yet blush ?

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 20-Mar-13 00:22:23

Hmmm.

I am unsure about the rock thing...I feel chomolunga is too grand. Too significant. Too...just too much rock for me. There are others on this thread that are far more worthy.

So I like vicars idea...the twin theme...but they aren't twined with ayres rock...so I've learnt a little more about mountains this evening and propose Mt. Olga. A sandstone rocky outcrop 15miles from ayres rock.

So..bullying. I don't want her to go. But I think I will probably let her. She will have her phone with her. She will almost certainly have her ipad with her (they all have them from school) so she will have half a dozen ways to contact me. There is a bigger group going and she says the other girls are nice. Tbh she likes all but queen bee...its just that the other girls feel pressured to freeze her out when she's around. This is good friday so I can always hope she is busy and can't attend. I think as long as there are no further incidents this week at school it should be fine. ..im just being the overprotective and fretting mother smile.
I do know queen bees mum (she is a pretty good friend of my 'friend'). But she has mental health concerns and I believe she is currently in a trough so finds it difficult to deal with this sort of stuff. I've never met g4s mum but as far as I can tell from fb her family seem respectable but I have no idea of personality etc.

So briefly my positives
Took meds
Put dw on
Put tumble on
Emptied boot of car which was chocka with brownie stuff.
Mosied around shops. Bought dd3 new trainers. Bought dd3 new school shoes which need to go back.
Bought a couple of birthday presents and lots of cards.
Played a game with dd3
Bedtimd reading with dd3
Tidied kitchen after tea so no mess in the morning.
Crocheted winne the poohs scalp.

Negs
Morning nap. But feel justified by the fact I did feel infintely better after (which tells me I needed it and it had value).

Going to read a quick chapter then bed. Busy day out tomorrow. I am spending the day at dtds school. Kind of an open day type thing. Will bd interesting....

So night all...catch you all some time tomorrow.

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 20-Mar-13 08:34:56

Good morning...

Feeling alive and energetic today smile

But feeling wierd at the same time. I'm noticeably trembly for the first time in days. I'm nauseous again. Wonder if it is subconsciously the school thing??? The having to face the world...

Right back later....need to clear my fridge cos its bin day.
Need to throw half a chemical factory in my loo as I have visitors later.
Need to straighren my hair and add some bonuses to my current level 3

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 20-Mar-13 08:55:40

morning!

im still level 1 but shortly to be level 3.....(just realised ed you probably need to post an explanation of the levels!)

ive got a facial this morning, and then im going to gloss the bathroom door and give the walls another quick coat with a roller this time so the brush marks dont show.
bathroom looks fab. i keep walking in and just looking at it! i spent an hour arranging bits and pieces in it and putting shampoo away yesterday. DH had to come and find me. its a pleasure to be in there! tonight, im taking a glass of wine, a book, a candle and im going to soak....DD christened shower this morning - no leaks! no steam! oh the luxury of not having to open windows (we had a new ceiling put in so got new spot lights - one has a fan which is brilliant!) im like a kid with a new toy.....

no bonus points for me due to facial - hair needs washing but ill sort it after ive finished painting - i tend to get more paint on myself than the walls....

right. best go and get some clothes on. typically twinned with you again ed - feeling energised. Just thinking re the shaking....have you been taking your meds regularly? i start with the trembly jaw thing if i miss mine...and because im feeling better i keep forgetting to take them and i ran out for 2 days last week and really noticed it....)

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 10:46:57

Morning, level 1 here, in productive mode though.

Hopefully this will include a thumbnail sketch in due course.

Hi vicar and friends. Long time lurker here plucking up the courage to ask if I can join your lovely supportive thread.

My summary:
41 yr old, married to lovely DH, two DCs 4 and 8.
Since the new year I've been suffering from severe depression. It seems to be as a result of a combination of stuff happening over the last year - company I helped to grow being taken over and basically doesn't now exist. Being made redundant in the summer. DP having severe depression most of last year, youngest DC starting school in September, and my older DC breaking leg really badly at Christmas. Two weeks after her break we came back from hosp, me with a headache and I had to go to bed. Then I just couldn't physically get up over the weekend....

This stuff plus i'm realising via 3 weeks of counselling now that my mother has been depressed most of my life to varying degrees. She had abusive parents and multiple miscarriages so I can understand it. But she's never really tried to get better which I'm now finding hard to deal with. As a child I learned to put her emotions before my own, and seemed to have developed an unhealthy habit of putting other people's emotions first and not recognising properly, processing or expressing my own emotions effectively - so I believe that habit plus all last year's stuff has led to a bit of a breakdown this year.

My DP was also made redundant 2 weeks ago and while it's not a disaster financially, its more change and I'm struggling to feel like there's any solid ground at the moment. I've been seeing a different GP the last 2 weeks (mine went on mat leave) who's been better and am seeing her twice a week. I'm on Fluoxetine, and added Trazodone to the mix just over a week ago as my anxiety (DP redundancy driven I think) sent me into a crazy place. Calmer this week and am learning to pace myself better eg nap after lunch is helpful, plus DP is doing school run which makes my start to the day a bit later and less stressful. Sorry this is a long one, but that's everything in a nutshell. In terms of mountains, can I opt for a small one in the Lake District (where I've spent many happy holidays) called Angletarn Pike.

Sending warm supportive wishes to you all.

NanaNina Wed 20-Mar-13 14:15:34

Oh soooo glad to hear from you Snowymouse - will you try and pop in as I/we do worry about you.

Glad others are giving pen pictures - it really helps.

Ed I think dt1 must go to the sleepover. G4 can't be that bothered about upsetting Queen B if she has invited your girl, and Queen B will know this. I think it's very positive that your dt1 has been invited. Just might even things out within the friendship groups. I'm told by my dil (primary school teacher - always has Yr 6) that the girls group and re-group and fall out, and scapegoat someone and makes friends again..........and on and on it goes. I can even remember something similar at school and I am going back over 60 years!!!

I am disagreeing with others, but I wouldn't talk to your girl too much about it nor phone other mothers etc as I think this could blow this thing up out of all proportion. Better I think to be cool about it and not show dt1 that you are anxious, or are ruminating about whether she should go. Send her off with a "have fun" comment. She has her mobile and can phone you if necessary.

NOW come on other AWOLS from the thread and do you pen picture and welcome to CinQ

I shall be checking and I think I'm the oldest member of the group so can be bossy!!!

bassetfeet Wed 20-Mar-13 15:58:52

Nice to meet you CiQ smile . This place is wonderful to chat and get advice
And warm support. Hope you feel comfy with us .

What a hellish time you and your family have been through recently . So many blows . We soldier on because we have to ..until our body and mind react and resist one day as we all now know here. So sorry you have had a truly awful two years .
I empathise with that feeling of how the steady ground on which we walked suddenly shifts beneath us . Nothing feels safe anymore and walking further up the road is full of potholes and cracks or so it seems.

Good you are getting some counselling and a good Gp? I hope your OH has not had a set back re his own redundancy . Twice for both of you is cruel so cruel . Two little ones must mean you get little time for naps and the opportunity to hide from the world a while. You may have gathered that we like our naps here wink and Helles is the boss who turfs us out bless her .

Liking your mountain name very much . Adore the LAKES also . Never been to Angle pike though but have just goggled it . route through Boredale Hause ?
Looks so peaceful . One constant in this turbulent illness is the landscape and the steady grounding it gives us I think if we can walk and listen and look
Jeeze I am sounding like Wordsworths batty aunt here blush
so best shove off .

Hope Snowy is doing ok . And SirBoob .......and UF

Waving to all the other mountain ladies . Noticed that ED has her new Easter name already grin.

Bugsbasset Wed 20-Mar-13 16:28:38

Ahem cough cough ^ ^

Anything ED can do I can do also [sings]

Rabbits are Eastery arent they? confused

Aaagh just wrote a long post and the site crashed angry so apol if this is over brief!

Hi Nana and Basset and thanks for the welcomes and support. Basset I have only just worked out your changed name - my brain is so not working at the mo!

Yes I like naps too grin and am allowing myself an hour after lunch to help pace myself. Fortunately my DCs are at school so I can save up my energy for the 3-6 slot. They have noticed somethings not right and have been asking DH when mummy will be better which is pretty heartbreaking tbh.

You're totally right about angletarn and boredale hause grin Its not the biggest peak but I have fond memories of going up there with my dad and next brother down and the views are beautiful. You don't sound like a batty aunt - its lovely to talk to another Lakes fan.

My DH seems to be doing OK. He has recovered well from his depression which was mostly work-related. He's had a lot of support, is on Sertraline, had 3 months of CBT which was v effective and was also referred to a charity called the Richmond Fellowship who help people with mental illness in the workplace. He's seeing them the end of July (and they're going to incorporate some CBT) which is reassuing. Tbh sometimes I find him a bit manic cos he's so happy confused

Loving the Easter names - will have to get my thinking cap on x

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 20-Mar-13 21:43:39

Welcome ciq

Thats all I can manage tonight. Been out since 9.30am. Only just got in.

Update properly tomorrow (or after a bottle of wine)...

HellesBelles396 Wed 20-Mar-13 21:53:38

well, readers, I left cubs...shock

until I feel well again anyway! been crying most of the day so will say more tomorrow. sleep is needed.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 21:55:42

So nice you have an understanding DH, CiQ, and one in whom the DC are happy to confide their worries and feelings.

About me - what to write? Am 60 with 2 young adult DC, divorced just over a year ago, now just share my lovely big house with DCat. For many reasons many of which are stalkable if you want I think I have AS, and come from an AS family. This meant I was a bit weird, and so was my family! I also think I may have Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder, which didn't show up cos I was brainy and love to study. But left to my own devices find it so so hard to get started.

LT marriage, but through MN I came to understand that it was abusive, but by then I had a diagnosis of poss bi-polar. Depression lifted as soon as filed divorce papers, to be replaced by increased stress! I am happier than I have been for Oh! such a long time, but still find it difficult to get started, and can fall into a slump if not careful. Luckily I am retired so can schedule my time as I please - including naps if I want.

Am on a maintenance dose of 20 mg paroxatine. Last year I became sleep deprived after my stressful year under the same roof with Ex, and had a few days in a psych hospital while the resulting psychosis was swiftly brought under control.

Visited local Pennines the day before yesterday, I drove up Weardale and just over the other side into Cumbria. 6 in snow on the fells, but the roads were clear.

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 20-Mar-13 22:07:04

Hugs helles. I think I need to leave brownies for a bit but don't feel like I can make the break.

Talk about it when you are ready.

Hi Ed enjoy the wine smile.
Hi Silvery yes am lucky on the DH front! Oooh Penines - Cumbria sounds lovely.
Hello Helles good for you. Sometimes - and esp at the mo - we have to put ourselves first. Hope you have a good sleep.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 22:28:09

Weardale is even lovelier imho but we keep this to ourselves round here Yes Cumbria is beautiful wink

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 22:31:11

Oh and what I was going to say - HB that is good news. I think some time away from cubs will be good for you...

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 20-Mar-13 22:36:16

hello all.

a very warm welcome from me too CIQ hope you find this thread helpful. smile i also adore the lakes. we had our best holiday there. and our first holiday was in the dales. my dsis fave place in the world was gunnerside. im a real country girl at heart and would love to move to the middle of nowhere! we spent a few months living in the middle of rural suffolk....i adored it. would happily do that again.

helles - so sorry you are sad today, im sure you will be back at cubs when you are feeling able to. Think of it as a little holiday. (hugs) from me. it will be fine.

waves to everyone else - nana SPC ed basset mama and hopefully UA, boobs and anyone else i have missed because i have the most shocking memory lately....

productive day for me. i was going to have a lay in but i didnt. i had a facial, DH brought home some bread he had just baked that was heavenly....a rustic soda bread. it was devine. ate too much of it and then finished all the painting in bathroom. it is gorgeous. first time ive ever had a wonderful bathroom. ive folded and put fluffy towels in the towel rack. ran a lovely bath with some laura mercier bubbles and a glass of wine....
i have discovered the joys of a squeegee.....(yes. i am that sad!)

i rang and confirmed my interview today. (though im very conflicted.....as always, no idea what i want anymore.) still absolutely no word from work. ive been ready to go back now for 3 weeks. i think they are ignoring me now tbh. i get the feeling mental health problems are distinctly frowned upon within the force....people are respected for soldiering on. and im sad because i have always managed to soldier on. no one at work knows me. they will think im flaky now. and that saddens me. but there is sod all i can do about it so i need to stop worrying about it. i am dreaming about going back....and being totally and utterly ignored. probably not far from the truth. i think people will be resentful and think i have "milked it" even though ive only in the last few weeks felt like my old self....

oh lordy im rambling again.

right. off for a ramble round the boards. i must think of an easter name....

love to all. apologies if i missed anyone. x

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 22:41:16

vicar you don't need to think about anything except preparing for your interview smile so brilliant that you got one. Do you have to do a presentation or anything, or is it 'just'! an interview?

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 20-Mar-13 22:50:57

i think its just a bog standard interview....its not a very exciting position - just an admin post, but the position demanded 2 things which i have experience in.
i will cross all bridges as and when. im not thinking about it.

i just so scared of making the wrong decision. but i dont need to think about it yet. i may not even get past interview.
and im my brain addled state i actually put my new suit skirt in a charity bag and kept my old one. im so cross with myself but its long gone. luckily i own the same skirt in a previous incarnation....just the lining changed. still cross about it though.

Thanks vicar oh your dsis had good taste - gunnerside is beautiful smile. I can understand the temptation to move to the countryside too - I sometimes dream of escaping to the Isle of Skye! But I think I am looking at that with some romantic specs on as a lot of the time I think its side-ways rain... wink

I think you're doing brilliantly to go to an interview tomorrow. Can you just try and view it as good practice? Loving the sound of your bathroom too sounds like a great space to retreat to and pamper yourself. All the best for tomorrow.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 20-Mar-13 23:09:55

thank you CIQ - the interview is actually in April...not quite tomorrow....so have a wee bit of time to prepare.
or worry!
smile

... yep, another scrambled brain here! Hope your Thursday is not so stressful then!

I might come and join in tomorrow or so, will have a think upon it.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 20-Mar-13 23:15:38

you would be very welcome kitten....

thank you queenie....tomorrow i am going to the stables to spend the day playing poniios! think i have a riding lesson. i will stay for the day though and help out.
i will need my new bathroom by tomorrow night! grin

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 21-Mar-13 12:38:32

Very quiet here?

Have to get ready for dirty few days away, and then a visit to my DF and DM. Have long list. Am at level 3. But am MNetting blush

mamakoukla Thu 21-Mar-13 14:47:10

SPC blush.... enjoy your time away!

Welcome to Queenie, OhYouBadBadKitten (I have enjoyed some of your weather threads) and a big wave to all. I am on level 3 and DD has reverted to level 1.

CIQ that is a lot of change; even though it may not feel like it under the circumstances - and you write that it feels as though there is no solid ground at the moment - you and DH are working your way through this and you are working together. You also sound self-aware, which is a useful tool to working your way through things.

Egg your positive and negative lists have been interesting to read and I have started to do the same and found it makes me feel better when I look back at the day. Re. the sleepover; I understand your worries and it is perfectly natural. How does DD feel about it and could you pose scenarios with her or see if she can come up with them and to decide what she would do in those situations? At the end of the day, you know her best but if she does go I would make it a condition that she phones you up if things are not right. If her personality allows, I would let her go, give her the opportunity to work it through if necessary, but letting her understand that walking away fro ma bad situation isn't about losing or being scared. It is about protecting yourself. As she has spoken with you about the bullying before, I would pick it up from there. Don't make a big issue, keep it neutral, and as Nana wrote, try not to let your anxiety come through.

Nana I am really glad you asked us to write a bit about ourselves. There was so much written across the previous threads that a summary was helpful for my little brain. I hope HM is on best behaviour and the new meds are working well.

Snowy a big hug, flowers and brew to you if you're reading.

Hugs to UA and SirBoobsalot

(I hope I haven't missed any of the regulars; hugs to all reading).

Bugs I have really enjoyed the chats you and others have been having about the Pennines and Lakes. I keep thinking I need to visit one day and that has intensified the thoughts. Kindness is often overlooked; sometimes simply being acknowledged or a quick smile can make such a difference. I am glad that your path crossed with that of the GP who has helped you.

Vicar it is only fair to feel apprehensive. I am terrified at the thought of being in a working relationship; I have done some volunteering to re-introduce the idea of working with others but in my mind it is not quite the same thing. Ultimately, whether with the police or elsewhere - you seem to now understand that the job is not worth sacrificing yourself for. It isn't about failure; it's about self-preservation. Some thing don't work out. There is no bad decision but give yourself a 'get out of jail free' card perhaps if you decide that whatever it is simply is not worth the cost to yourself. Enjoy the stables and the bathroom. (I want fluffy towels and a pretty bathroom now! That is a positive thought smile)

Helles that must have been a tough decision. I know that both yourself and Egg put a lot into cubs and brownies and so many children and families have benefited; taking a break when you need it is a good thing. I think it is better for you and them rather than trying to keep on going when there's so much going on and you don't feel that it is getting your 100 %. Knowing when to give yourself space is important.

blush my theme today seems to be about boundaries, self-preservation and giving yourself the time and space. (scribbles down Note to Self)

DD is on day 6 of being unwell. She had another fever yesterday and was very sleepy so we went to see the GP and now we are watching closely over today as she is fairly limited (some sneezing, coughing, redness in ears and nasal passages but no obvious cause).

Hi vicar how was your day at the stables - hope you got a ride in!
Thanks Mama yes my Doc said I had good insight which I am hoping is helpful! Hope your DD recovers soon. There do seem to be some nasty viruses around this year - my DCs have each been off for 5 days with a fever, cough etc...

Have managed to go to college today to paint (oils/acrylics) and produced a good pic so that's satisfying smile Now just have do get through the 3-8pm kids slot inc dyeing two t shirts as DCs have to wear green 2moro. Have never dyed anything before so really hope it works! Anxiety rears its head in this circ so am doing a lot of deep breathing...

all the best everyone.

Bugsbasset Thu 21-Mar-13 18:29:09

Enjoy your time away SPC wink . Agree about the very beautiful Weardale . Four seasons in one day and breathtaking but secret oh yes

Helles what is up ? you sounded so distressed in your post. Sending a hug to you and hope you slept and a new fresh day gave you some strength and peace .
To be a CUB leader must be very full on and with all the health and safety /parents /pressure /politics in the group never ending onslaught I imagine? Think you are wise to take a sabbatical from it all .flowers .Thinking of you.

Vicar really pleased to read that you have interview. You have a lot of transferable skills .......useful skills .........communication skills ........so many.
Maybe this work is lower paid but if it is within the NHS then working up the ladder is always there . Lots of jobs are advertised internally first . Not surprised at lack of mail from the police sadly Vicar. This govt are not listening to the front line officers . Maybe they will when riots break out this year or next and no police available/on strike if it comes about .
Loving the bathroom transformation chat. smile . And the horses . You sound despite the stress of work hanging over you , more like yourself as I imagine you were and always have been .

Mama I love your posts and the thought put into them . I have firm image in my head of you and it is always calming..though guess you may not feel it .
I read and want to come round to yours and sit on a cushion smile . Erm not a stalker . You must be worried about your DD . They are so vulnerable when unwell and you must be fretful . Hope the doctor has reassured you and the wee one is back to annoyingly good health soon bless her . I am mother to two adult sons .....and the invisible umbilical cord is always there and pulling me when they are unhappy /unwell . You must think about a visit back to the NORTH one day Mama .

Now where the blazes is Egg/Ed ? You ok ? miss your diary as it keeps us all in line . Hope you are alright .

Where is Nana our feisty lovely mentor ? Hugs online friend if life is hard at the minute and the meds are kicking in . Thinking of you .

Snowy how are things with you ? I cant imagine what you are dealing with but am I right that you have firm diagnosis now ? So hope that you have people with you to chat to and share a pizza/film with while getting the support and meds to recover and get home again soon flowers

BadBadKitten hope you join us and welcome from me smile .

Funny thing this internet. I have been very down . DONT CARE down . yes aggressively so so sorry for caps . But this thread has now got me thinking about maybe getting the oomph to paint my hall [vicars bathroom chat]. I am thinking about maybe a day out to the lovely places I live near thanks to the chat about the landscape around me .Take a picnic .

CIQ So nice to read your mails ......intuitive and kind. Ah the isle of Skye was one of my dreams also smile . Nowt wrong with dreams . x

Thanks SPC hope you have a good break and enjoy the landscape (whatever the weather!)

Wow can't quite believe it! I have 2 leaf green t shirts for DCs tomorrow grin. Time for a celebratory creme egg I think!

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 21-Mar-13 23:20:57

evening everyone - i hope everyone is ok? it is a bit quiet here today....helles i know you have a mid week post embargo but i do hope you are ok after your post of yesterday....

no summary from ed today either so hope things are ok there too....

nana not posted for a day or two either, so hoping HM is behaving.

SPC - do enjoy your dirty weekend away! wink dont do anything i wouldnt do! i cannot wait until DH and i can have the odd weekend away....we have waited 23 years!

love to snowy and hope you are starting to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel....though i know that can take a while.

im just about to go to bed as i am truly shattered. been burning the candle at both ends a bit plus i have been at the stables all day, lots of hard work and fresh air plus riding. Am shattered. Have had a bath, and am now trying not to fall asleep in front of Question Time.....

well done on the Tshirts Queenie! (hope its ok to call you that....its too long to type colouringinqueen everytime!)

kitten if you are still lurking i hope you are ok....do join us if you feel able.

basset and mama - thoughtful and intuitive as always. smile You are both so caring.

im just going with the flow for now. What i suppose i had wanted was the opportunity to just go back and test the water a bit - i think i will know fairly soon how i feel about the job if i go back....but im worried i will be forced to make a decision before that happens, should i get the admin job. I did say it had my name on it due to the very specific skill set it required....but who knows. i wont be the only candidate. maybe fate will decide for me. The only down side is its half the money. but hey ho. cant have it all.

Im back at the stables on Sunday. another riding lesson too as only did a part lesson today really (its harder than learning to drive! so much coordination needed and lots to think about at once),
if i get there early enough on sunday i could tack up, but today have done lots of mucking out, water buckets, turned out a few horses, groomed, picked feet, partially tacked up my ride (im useless with a bridle!) but got the saddle spot on today....rode, then untacked (fine with that bit!) put rugs on the ponies and tied up hay nets. Was quite chuffed as i love the horse i ride, she is a gem, and as i was doing up her rug she rested her head on my neck for ages....like a horsey cuddle, very sweet, i so want my own. There are 14 at the stables, all have their own personality, I talk to them. Sometimes they answer wink I left at gone 7. When im there i lose track of time and end up there until riding instructor goes home too! its a long long day but it just flies past....i wish i could find paid employment that i enjoyed as much. Ive not seen DH today at all.
DD has decided to not do A level now and do a BTEC at college - for the last few days she has been a nightmare, moody, stressed, today she seems to have a weight lifted. She was more like the DD i know and love. She hates exams, she puts herself under immense pressure, so this probably makes more sense. She certainly seems more relaxed.

right. off to bed, have hair appointment tomorrow if the snow stays at bay. If its snowing its getting cancelled! too far to travel in snow....

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 21-Mar-13 23:26:41

Two of the loves of my life: Babo, and Douglas. Both lovely horses smile

EggwiniasRevenge Fri 22-Mar-13 01:01:52

Quickie from me. Well it won't be as I kind of need to debrief....it may become obvious why I have been AWOL.

Yesterday I left the house at 9.30am and returned at 9pm. Hence I was phusically exhausted. I was with others (often strangers) so was mentally exhausted and I knew it. Incoherent. Poor memory etc.

Today I left the house at 8am and returned at noon.I was with others from 8am till 5pm. Hence physcially and emotionally drained.

So yesterdays positives
Level 3 plus bonuses by 9am (make up. Jewellery)
Load of washing in machine.
Meds taken.
Collected friend ON TIME
Open day at school - social interaction with strangers is a big thing for me atm.
Friends dd suffered a hand injury during PE so when we left we went straight to walk in.
I was assertive when complaining about lack of x ray at appropriate time (triage decided not needed at 2.45. When seen at 5.10 x ray was needed...but xray not available after 5pm)
Home about 6pm to collect dcs.
Went to change dd3s shoes that don't fit. Had macdonalds while out (cooking was out of the question).
Did dtd1s shopping for cookery.
In bed lights off by 11pm

Negs
Can't think of anything significant

Todays positives
Dressed to level 3 by 8am
Collected friend ON TIME
Took friend and her dd to walk in for x ray. (Likely to be soft tissue injury only but needs to be reassessed next week for severity)
Got some wool and bits on the market.
Treated myself to a cream donut.
Looked after friends dd until 4ish (she looked after herself really but I couldn't exactky slope off to bed)
Meds taken
Bathroom cleaned (I think we should all shine our bathrooms in honour of vicar and her new bathroom).
Made my own birthday cake.
Ate my own birthday cake.
Crochet stitch's scalp
Assembled crocheted piglet
Decorated crocheted tea cup.
Dishwasher loaded and switched on twice.

Negs
Forgot to get guinea pig food
Haven't made some important phone calls. Must do tomorrow.
Split pins all over my bed...hope I found them all.

So thats me. I need to write it up while I remember. Personals will come tomorrow. Slightly exhausted here.

Night all.

EggwiniasRevenge Fri 22-Mar-13 01:06:02

Oh and my dcs have just driven me bonkere since they came in from school. Argumentative. Whinging. Questioned everything. REALLY Really wound me up. I felt like a horrible nasty mummy for want them to give me some peace on my birthday sad...but my stress level was probably what caused it all to spiral out of control....

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Mar-13 01:53:56

Huge round of applause for Egg, now have a proper rest smile

Am all excited and wouldn't sleep even if I was in bed. But will take myself off there soon. Am doing some cleaning ready for the house/cat sitters.

Morning all smile

Wow vicar your time at the stables sounds fab and I can well imagine it flies by. Glad you got a little ride in. It sounds like a tough decision re: your job, like you say maybe fate will decide for you. Hope you're snow-free today and get to your hair appointment and that you feel better for it.

Actually name-wise would Colouring be OK - I agree the full thing is too much but not quite comfortable with queenie!

Hi Egg goodness they look like two seriously busy days - no wonder you were shattered! Oh and Happy Birthday! Hope you get a more restful day today.

I am shattered from yesterday but woke up with less of a feeling of dread this morning which is nice! Another mum from school has befriended me since I told her about DH depression last year (she's also training to be a counsellor) and I'm invited round for coffee this morning which will be nice - she has a very gentle nature.

DH looking knackered this morning too. He had his work's leaving do last night, and finally signed a compromise agreement with them, plus his CBT finished yesterday so he said he's feeling a bit "floaty" this morning, lots of endings. I do worry that everything with me is going to set back his recovery, so feel I need to keep a bit of an eye on him.

Supposed to be doubling my fluoxetine today (20-40). I tried this two weeks ago, but it coincided with DH's redundancy news, an exhausting 4 days looking after poorly DD and then DH away with work for 3 days and all that tipped me over the anxiety edge (trazodone prescribed). So am trying again and will find out if the massive anxiety was due to the circumstances or the higher dose (or more likely, both!)

Hoping everyone has an OK Friday and wrap up warm x

Hi SPC sorry missed your post, simple things like pages... hope you weren't cleaning too long in the night!

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Mar-13 10:37:57

Damn! Level 1 and I can hear the bin lorry approaching! Another week where I've missed putting the bin out blush

Luckily there is just me here now and plenty of room left in the bin.

EggwiniasRevenge Fri 22-Mar-13 14:03:17

Woooah. I've just woken up from a 4hr daytime nap. I must have needed it!

I feel energised tho. Must get up whilst that is still the case.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Mar-13 19:29:34

NN seen you on another thread, and wondered have you started med change yet?

NanaNina Fri 22-Mar-13 19:56:08

Hi SPC yes seen you on the other thread too - feels a bit like being "found out" doesn't it! I certainly haven't deserted this thread but it's sooooooo busy I struggle to keep up. I know I asked people for a pen picture and I intended to open a small file but didn't get round to it, and that MNetter w have been talking to does seriously need support doesn't she.

I didn't have a meds change but an addition (15 mg mirtazapine for 7 days and 30 mg thereafter) so yes started last Friday on the 15 mg and no side effects so start the 30 mg tonight so time will tell.

As I am on this thread, hello to everyone and snowymouse where are you. Please come and say Hello. x

SnowyMouse Fri 22-Mar-13 20:40:37

Hello everyone. Please don't worry, it's hard for me to post from the ward via my phone.

Thinking of you all!

NanaNina Fri 22-Mar-13 21:13:40

AAhh my call for you worked Snowymouse - don't worry we understand it is difficult to post from your phone. Just hoping you are a teeny weeny bit better NNx

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 22-Mar-13 21:16:16

NN I have the same trouble on this and other threads. But it really doesn't matter smile If I can't remember something about the person I'm posting to, I just ask.

FWIW I have thumbnail sketches of some of you - eg NN older Babyboomer with a pet HM (excuse humour blush)

NN and SPC you're not alone on the keeping up front - I have to keep going back to page 1 to remember who people are. But as SPC says it really doesn't matter.

sad today. My brother and family were due to visit, but have cancelled cos of stupid snow. I have DD in tears and me feeling fed up cos was looking forward to chatting with brother who's v understanding. Woke up with more of a feeling of dread and more anxious and am wondering if its the higher dose of fluox. Last time I tried to up the dose it coincided with DH's redundancy news, ill DD, DH going away for a few days so me and GP couldn't work out what caused massive increase in anxiety. Mornings like this I really do wonder how helpful the meds are hmm

Has anyone else woken to snow? I could really do with Spring. Sorry for bleurh post. Will concentrate at looking af daffs in vase on windowsill.

Hope everyone's doing OK x

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 10:17:07

Level 1 paralysis! I need to get Euros and pack and stuff but am MNetting and drinking coffee. And it snowed in the night and I didn't park car in garage.

TBH this is normal for me - am rather a last minute person blush

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 23-Mar-13 12:19:24

still level 1 here too but im going to dress in a min and walk the dog in the snow.

have a lovely time away SPC!

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 12:31:47

CiQ so sorry your DB & fam had to cancel.

I doubt the increase in anxiety is due to higher dose. Maybe it's an instinctive worry that Spring will never come... but it will smile

Have a lovely weekend SPC and thanks. Hope you had a nice snowy walk vicar.

I went back to bed, DH woke me at 12 and I feel so much better smile who said we shouldn't go back to bed sometimes wink am even going to try and do a painting now! Take care everyone x

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 17:34:23

Having a horrid day.

Retreated to bed at 4ish. Can't get myself motivqted to get out and cook tea sad

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 17:38:34

Colouring can imagine how disappointed you were to hear that your brother and family had to cancel . So valuable to have a sibling who supports and has the background re your mums depression /your upbringing . Unique and my sister has helped me hugely because of the shared history also.
Thinking of Vicar as I type this ....so sorry your sister died . You both must have been huge support to each other. flowers

This damn winter has gone on far too long ......the greyness . I am glad that you went back to bed and feel better smile . Seems to me that peace from the endless mind chatter for a while is more precious than pearls sometimes.
Mornings are usually the worst for anxiety sufferers [something to do with raised cortisol levels I think ] ........and the fear of getting through another hard day trying to appear fine for work /family . Exhausting and new meds seem to always make you feel worse before they kick in . Perhaps ring your doc on Monday?

You love painting? I hope you got immersed in your project and found some peace and satisfaction . Interested if you feel up to sharing what you paint .

Today I slept late after being awake a lot of the night with the tummy churning and nausea . THE FEAR . So a bit fog brained now with those stealthy peaks of adrenaline surge that shake you.

Vicar Hope you had grand walk with the hound and wrapped up warmly .
Truly loved the fact your horse laid her head on your shoulder and snuggled.
Wise and intelligent animals and so forgiving of those who neglect them sad . I do so hope that you can get your own soon. It is a must for you . Got lottery on and will pm you if I win grin
I have a feeling that life for you is on the upward turn at long last .

Egg is tonight the sleepover night for your daughter ? Your lists of stuff done are fabulous . look back in your posts and see how far you have come !!

Snowy thank you for calling in and so hope that you are seeing some light at the end of the tunnel . Stay safe.

SPC Hope this snow doesnt spoil any travel arrangements . Have a lovely lovely time .

Hi to Mama and Nina and Helles and anyone reading who is struggling maybe .

Hi Egg sorry to hear you're having a bad day. Anything you can treat yourself too when you get up? Take care.

Thanks Bugs your observations are completely spot on smile I was looking forward to chatting to brother... Really glad to hear you have a dsis you can confide in. Hope you're surviving despite the bad night and what sounds like rubbish anxiety. Hang in there.

Waving to everyone else whilst sat next to radiator!

Interesting about the anxiety/cortisol thing - that makes complete sense. Yes I have really had enough of this winter. We're off to the Lakes in 2 weeks (last couple of years weather has been good) but there's a crazy video on bbc website with cars and lorries stuck in massive snowdrifts! Fingers crossed.

Yes I did manage to get a bit of painting in thanks. I was v gd at art at school but went down the academic route from A-levels. In advance of my youngest starting school in Sept I booked myself onto a one day/wk painting class at local college and it's been brilliant and I think has helped me keep going. I feel like I'm progressing well and the other people on this course are lovely. Started off with watercolours, but this year oils. It is very satisfying - one of the few things I still get pleasure from smile.

I can imagine vicars days at the stables being similar and lovely that post about the snuggling horse.

Take care everyone x

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 23-Mar-13 18:15:57

Well in usual fashion Ed we are twined yet again - horrid day for me. I'm laid on the bed but only have phone to mumsnet on at min. Me and dh not talking. I'm also suffering with a dicky stomach today. Will explain if I can get laptop. Also difficult to follow others posts on phone sk apologies. Will catch up later. Right now I'm feeling very weepy -not felt this way for a good few weeks, but I feel there is reason to feeling like this today, thanks to Dh and DD. Am only own tucked out of the way for now and plan on staying that way.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 18:38:14

Twinned more than you think.

I had mega argument with dtd1 and have been tucked away in my bedroom.

I also have a dicky tummy.

I'm sure I'll be back later to update....but for now I am cooking a very late tea with a can of lager on the go....and a bottle of wine open (well the bolognese tastes soooo mucb better with a slug of wine)

Hugs to all. Big hugs to all.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 18:39:20

Oh and I have had tears today for the first time in months...the meds kimd of take my ability to have a good sob away.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 18:44:52

Oh and if I could give vicar a helpful hint...stay out of the kitchen...I wouldn't want my twin having the kitchen disaster I am having (have dropped a couple of glasses...which survived impact...then dropped my food processor bowl which I love but don't use often enough to justify replacing and have shattered the bowl....that caused me to cry sad )

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 18:53:10

Egg we cross posted I think . so sorry you are having a bad day . The peaks and troughs of this illness are vile . Coast through it if you can ...but easier said than done I know sad . A day at a time is a cliche but they are true words.
An hour at a time . Can you distract by crocheting ? the repetition of the hand movement is very calming and kind of grounding .

Ah enjoy your visit to the Lakes Colouring .....the snow will only be on the peaks then surely smile . What a cracking time of year to go as spring arrives with all its glory to revive tired souls . The lambs and the primroses .
You must take your sketch book ....

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 19:09:35

Vicar so sorry you are feeling so low . Cry its ok . Gets the stress hormones out . Sending you a huge bosom down hug and rock around your shoulders.
Ed too .

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 23-Mar-13 19:13:17

I'm packing to leave. I've had enough, dh being vile andim kidding myself that anyone cares. I'm trying to get hold of dais to see if I can go there but it's a long way away and it's snowing.

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 19:20:05

Oh my lass ..........can you tell us a bit why you feel so awful ? am very worried about you .pm me if you want to .

Dont try to drive in this weather please . Oh what has happened my love ?
we can ask MNHQ to delete later if you want . just keep talking to us for now .

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 19:25:07

vicar sad sad sad sad

Take some time to think. What on earth has happened? Is it really that serious that you have to leave here and now. In this weather?

Thanks Bugs good idea about sketch book smile

Dear vicar and Egg so sorry to hear you're having a bad day. It's rubbish, but as you say you haven't had one in a while and those whiles will get longer and longer. Hang in there. Be kind to yourselves.

HellesBelles396 Sat 23-Mar-13 19:34:21

Crappy weather.

Crappy illness.

Crappy Deputy County Commissioner.

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 19:34:29

Still about Vicar no sweat to talk at all . Just want you to know I am online .
and thinking about you.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 19:36:01

Thinking of you too helles

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 19:44:33

Helles me too . Wish we could all live on same street .

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 23-Mar-13 20:14:40

I've gone but no where to go. Can't get hold of Sis , am in a lay by. Dh told me to get over myself and leave. So I did. I've Gita duvet and pillow - might be sleeping in car at this rate. I called a friend but she is going out. She called my dh. He doesn't give a shit my phones nearly out of charge.

SnowyMouse Sat 23-Mar-13 20:18:15

sad vicar. Hang in there

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 20:26:32

Oh vicar.

I don't know what to suggest. Looks to bassett and mama for the wisest of words...

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 20:26:33

Vicar - i hope you are ok honey, i came here to offload my crap but I see that you are in a bad place - whts happened honey? You are one of my favourite posters on here, always supportive - have an unmumsnetty hug (like one of those man hugs where they bash each others backs afterwards)

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 20:27:45

Ok Vicar your Dh loves you .he does and will be looking for you , So many hurt words are said in distress. He will be looking for you . HE LOVES YOU .
Go home . stay safe .

This illness is crap. And we all say hurtful words and do stuff that somehow takes its own momentum and hurts badly . Not nice for him to do this or your dd.

Lovely lady .....go home please. You matter a lot to us here and we care hugely.

I have had some awful words said in the recent months with my OH . You are not alone .

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 23-Mar-13 20:29:15

Look - Vicar <stern voice> get yourself somewhere - even if its home, this is not the weather to be outside. Why are YOU leaving? go home, sleep in spare room, on sofa, somewhere warm, sorry i dont know what is going on, but im worried for you.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 20:33:11

I agree please go home.

Go home to your DD.

I'm not saying don't leave. But don't leave now. Sleep on the sofa. Make H sleep on the sofa.

I'm sure things have been said in the heat of the moment. You have always lamented how supportive he is. Im sure this is a blip.

vicar this is not the weather to be travelling. This is not the weather to be sleeping in the car.

Go back to your beautiful bathroom. Lock the door and fill the room with bubbles.

mamakoukla Sat 23-Mar-13 20:48:30

Vicar please do go home even though there are so many reasons why it may not feel like the right thing to do.

From what I have gathered on MN and BBC and other websites, the weather in the UK is not good and sleeping in a car is not a good idea. If you really must not go home, then book into a hotel but please do not sleep outside.

I think you should go home.

You are suffering and still very much caught between caring for your family and your job and future possibilities. This has been going on for a long time and will take time and patience to rebalance.

From everything you have written on this post, you and DH care for each other. Anything I am writing is coming from this perspective. You are both feeling the long term impact of what you are going through individually and together.

Go home please Vicar. Let DH know you are safe. I think this is a storm you are both weathering. Sometimes things reach the point where we retreat from ourselves, from others or under the duvet.

Just acknowledge the tough spot, make each other a cup of tea or something soothing, and find some quiet spot for this to roll on from.

Let us know how you are; we are simply hoping to help you through this and want you to be safe.

mamakoukla Sat 23-Mar-13 20:55:36

Hugs to all; I have had a bit of a tough week and I am coming out the other end of it as irritable as ever. I am not in a position to write at the moment but I am well.... just a bit grumpy and looking for my own quiet nesting spot. I tend to be a quiet person; outgoing and lively with those I am secure in and with whom I feel free to be me. I have often been told I am a private person and I guess this is the most effective way for me to work through things. I do feel a bit rude wandering off though.

On the plus side, snow is still on the ground but it has been a beautiful bright and sunny day. DD seems much better but she is still recovering (currently taking a quick nap). DH has realised I need some space and has been kind about it. I have been thinking of plants for the garden and a parasol.

Basset many thanks for the compliment (plumps a cushion up). I have been suitably blushing; it was lovely to read.

I am sorry I haven't read through and commented to all. It sounds like we are working through different things at the moment. I am thinking of you all and hope that the next few days are kind and helpful.

PS Vicar sorry to be a nag but please do go home dear. I am worried for you.

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 21:05:22

This illness is so hard for everyone isnt it ? Mama you have said all we want to say in wise wise words .

it feels so lonely this illness . And our partners get frustrated and vent .If you are close then our partners get scared also with all the turmoil .
Vicar you are doing just fine . Go home and bet your family will be so relieved to see you . And then talk my love ...have a nice bath .

I said some appalling things the other day and wonder why I could say them to someone I love sad . We lash out .

sleep deeply tonight and dream of a lovely relaxed horse trek through the Dales.

So hope you are home and safe .

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 23-Mar-13 21:31:44

Very quick post as still on mob and it's out of charge. I went home. I'm ok. I will update properly later. thank you all for the support and sensible - ness. For a moment I lost my head. I thought they'd be better off without me. DD is always surly and dh wint back me up. Id had enough. I was well prepared for an evening in the car - I took a flask and a duvet. But I'm home now.I had no where to go. And I was scared if what I might do in the heat of the moment. sad

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 21:33:31

Thank goodness. Sometimes it's good to remove yourself from a situation - but on a night like this?

Bugsbasset Sat 23-Mar-13 21:45:56

glad you are back in your home x

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 21:53:53

Glad you're home. Catch up later.

So glad you're home vicar. I've been reading your thread since nearly the start and really have so much respect and admiration for you. Sleep and post tomorrow xxx

mamakoukla Sat 23-Mar-13 22:04:26

Take care vicar. Very glad for the update and to hear that you are home. Be gentle with yourself. Is there anything that is soothing or mentally engaging?

Importantly, you have recognized what has just happened. Rest and then when you feel you can, come back to this. You are learning how to cope with a strong urge. It is a negative one, which I don't think is beneficial. It is part of what Basset so clearly described. I am sorry for your pain but you are strong even if it does not feel like it at the moment. We believe in you and we understand some of what you are going through. We are here. Take care, be gentle and forgiving to yourself, and rest.

I will be back later in the evening.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 23-Mar-13 23:17:16

im so sorry everyone. i have worried a lot of people tonight.

over the last few days this has been building. DD suddenly decided to change what she wanted to do at college. she seemed more relaxed and stress free.

DH asked why she had changed and what made her choose what she had.

so i asked her. in front of him. she threw a strop with me for daring to ask - he sat and said nothing. nothing. he let me take the flak for his question. he didnt back me up on iota.
dd carried on the silent treatment of me for days. its been days and days and she wont speak to me.
i felt completely ganged up on and betrayed.
i took DH to task on it tonight and he told me to go. told me to get over myself.
so i went.
but i had no where to go.
i took a hosepipe and all my meds with me. sleeping pills, and 2 months sertraline. He let me go, knowing it was snowing, knowing i had no where to go, and knowing i am depressed. i had tried to contact dsis who is a good hours drive away but couldnt get her on phone. left msg after msg.

when i left i was sobbing. and he let me go. he didnt try to stop me and he didnt care. he knew the weather was bad, he knew i had no charge on phone.
i felt worthless and pointless and felt they would be better without me. i rang my friend but she panicked and got her dh to call mine, so i hung up and scarpered.

ended up in a layby. sat for ages. realised that hosepipe would not in a month of sundays fit the exhaust. felt stupid. felt like i had lost my mind. felt that just leaving life was an option at that moment. would be easy as long as no one found me.
but im a chicken. i couldnt do it. i was scared i might regret it and i saw all the people i have chased in similar circs in the job - felt mightily stupid. realised is had become the sort of person i deal with usually.

and i hate that. i hate it.
i went home because i had no where else to go. i had taken a pillow and duvet and flask. on some level i was quite well prepared to sleep in car.

i now feel stupid and pointless. my eyes are puffy. i want to not feel like this anymore. i thought i was getting better. i feel like i backed down. lost face.

dh is putting it down to me thinking about going back to work. ive tried to explain.
he has gone to bed. He never gets it. Im always the bad guy. i feel like dd sees him as her friend, while im the baddie. i feel ganged up on.
im so tired, and feel numb. i need to sleep.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 23-Mar-13 23:37:31

<holds vicar in gentle embrace>
<strokes hair>

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 23:40:36

Oh vicar.

We were worried. But we were mainky worried about the weather conditions. We had no idea about the hosepipe and meds etc.

Huge huge hugs.

Thing is (and with a little bit of experience) your DH Is also bearing the burden of your anxiety and depression. Except on the outside he will be staying strong. Hiding it. Not letting on. It just sounds as though he has burst.

It is tough. His burden is nothing like yours. But you feel that with medication and diagnosis you are allowed to let people (that are close to you) see you are struggling. Your DH probably feels he can't. Feels he has to be strong for you. Can't let you see that he has his own anxieties....so they build up and up...until he bursts with the accumulation.

But he doesn't realise the imoact that bursting has on you. I'm saying this as it is how I felt when Xp was depressed.

The main thing is of course that you are home. You seem to have a good insight into your thoughts and feelings. Try and turn it to a positive. How can you prevent feeling this low in the future? It sounds as though you have been bottling it up a bit. You haven't talked about these things that have clearly been major stressors for you over the last few days on this thread. That makes me worry that you haven't had an outlet for your concerns and feelings.

I'm ramblig again. I'm so glad you are safely home. You sound as though you truely need some rest. Talk to us when yoh are ready. Pm someone if need be. Talk to dd and dh. Please don't bottle it up.

Wishing you some peace and rest tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. And we will all be here yet again.

Huge huge huge hugs flying North through the blizzards to you.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 23-Mar-13 23:42:25

Ignore that. Silvery has said the important stuff so much more succinctly.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 24-Mar-13 00:01:07

Don't ignore the above - Egg you've put what I couldn't.

And feel free to rant, vent, weep, share on this, the thread that you began that has helped so many.

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 24-Mar-13 00:15:58

thank you. im ok. just weary.

will be at stables tomorrow (safest place for me - out of way of both DD and DH) so prob wont post until late tomorrow night.

must sleep now as shattered. i feel let down by DH and despised by DD and ive no idea why. could just be her age i guess, but its getting hurtful.

she said sorry tonight. i think she knew id had enough. but tomorrow will be same as ever.

am back at gp on tuesday. not sure whether to mention what happened tonight or not. ive been feeling so much better lately. but not today. i could have given up today.

HellesBelles396 Sun 24-Mar-13 00:52:03

sleep well vicar, wake rested.

mamakoukla Sun 24-Mar-13 01:47:10

"I have worried a lot of people tonight."

Read this as people were worried for you because they care for you.

Vicar as others have written, this illness is isolating and plays tricks on us.

Every day, every evening at bedtime I tell DD to always remember that we love her, no matter what happens.

Vicar no matter what happens, you are loved. Always remember this. Remember this most when you feel alone, when you feel that for whatever reason you are undeserving because there is a dark moment.

You met a dark moment this evening but you held strong.

Rest and awake revived.

Hugs to all (Helles, you described my week; minus the county person).

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 24-Mar-13 08:46:36

Am so relieved!!!! Vicar So pleased you got through last night - we will be at the stables today too - its my DPs b'day but its just for DD2's riding lesson. envy at you being in stables all day smile

I have a 22yo DD1, i have been throgh the whole teenage thing (it was horrible, no pretending otherwise!) So i feel your pain re your DD, its not because she doesn't love you, its her age. I don't have time to post more - just wanted to show some empathy really, oh and fear - i have a 7yo DD and im going to have to do the whole teenage thing again - God help me!!

Keep safe Vicar xx

elfgypsy Sun 24-Mar-13 10:48:40

found this thread, wrote on it then lost the message, a therapy in itself, will try again...
I am a single lesbian mother, 40, xp takes dd, 2 yo on w/ends, no local family or real connections.
Have been really struggling for last 2 months with upper respiratory stuff and infected failed root canal and depression,struggling financially, taking 5HTP, self medicating, went to NHS and hated the cbt woman and the waiting lists, going to start seeing an LGBT advocacy woman bi-weekly to just feel like there is a person/time for me to talk to. Finding it really exhausting to find good friends, lots of energy goes out and not a lot comes back, I understand that ppl's lives are full on but my mind can interpret it to mean I am not worth knowing, its a battle to find my self worth.
Wishing the weather would change and the onslaught of viruses would end.
I feel worst on weekends/holidays/birthdays, this year was my 40th and I had planned a joint party for me and dd to try to feel less alone but i got flu and was in bed instead, have felt really low since then, it seems my efforts to connect are so futile and I rarely have energy to burn.
Have a history of travelling to many lands and miss the perspective it gave me, dearly wish I could go surfing to support my sense of connection to my soul but it has not been possible so far since dd came along, been too ill and not got a surf buddy and find the male culture isolating, can just about manage it when i feel strong but have not felt strong for a couple of years now.
Think I have some gender dysphoria issues, feel like I don't fit into the circles I have been around since being a mother, feel my middle genderness strongly in all women spaces, never felt like a normal woman before becoming preg, felt amazing on the hormones for a while and now i feel back to usual middle gender again.
Never wanted to be a single lesbian at 40 living in a rural area but don't want to live in a city which is what a lot of gay ppl do, I loved it for 8 years but want to be where I am, just wish it was more gay positive and there were more lesbians around.
Grateful for mumsnet, its helped me a lot, esp in my 1st few months as a mother,
xx xx

elfgypsy Sun 24-Mar-13 11:05:04

oh dear i just backtracked to see what's been happening so sorry to butt in at such a sensitive point, sounds like you were wrestling some huge demons there vicar I hope you have found some space and nurture today and some answers come soon. I was a horrible teenager, empathy was not possible, I hope you find some resources to help you thru this place
xx xx

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 24-Mar-13 12:36:56

Hi elf your very welcome here. I' just had a major blip yesterday. - made more disappointing by thefact I've been feeling so well for weeks.
I haven't gone to stables today. Couldn't muster the energy this morning and just need a day doing nothing. I'm afraid I'm still in bed but getting up In a min. I'm blaming the cat. She is laid on me and I don't want to turf her off the bed...I'm just going to have a level 1 day today - pjs. Will go to stables one day in the week, but am feeling in a bitif turmoil - sick note runs out Tuesday and I've heard nothing from work. I don't feel able to just go back with no meeting first... Will phone tomorrow. Nervous about that tho. Anyway - am on phone so need to read your post properly elf can't read screen on phone, ageing eyes not what they were! Will catch up later.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 24-Mar-13 13:13:18

Hi Elfgypsy - just wanted to say hello really, hope you find this thread useful - i'm new to the thread too but not to mnet. Have had so much support on this forum. I find it really hard to make friends and am actually feeling that quite acutely at the moment, i didn't think it bothered me, but actually it does - all i want is a bloody good night out with people i can be myself with, get pissed (not shitfaced just giggly pissed) and have a bloody good laugh. Motherhood can be quite isolating in that respect i think, as now i find all the women (and some men - prefer male company if i'm honest) are all to bloody sensible and want to talk about their new curtains/kitchen whatever - yawn (and bit of green eyed monster as we are boracic lint just now).

Vicar, if the weather where you are is anywhere near as cold as it is here then you did well to stay in bed. I almost froze to the haystack when i was sat there watching - one day i will get back in the saddle but can't afford to just yet so i get my horse fix via my DD. Hope you are feeling better soon - i know going back to work probably feel really scary and i don't know the backstory but maybe you will be better once you are back in the swing of things? It was a work thing (i think you posted on my threads actually) that tipped me over the edge this time but now im not working and have no work to go back to which i am finding more stressful. Its never bloody simple is it. Enjoy your level 1 day (i am going to have to look these levels up) and snuggle up with the cat - this weather shouldnt be alllowed, if i could work out who to complain to i would!

elfgypsy Sun 24-Mar-13 13:23:32

I think I may be having a level 1 day too, still in pj's and avoiding the housework and the world in general, good to know i am not alone x

HellesBelles396 Sun 24-Mar-13 14:29:51

hello all.

I'm ready to share.

realised this week how much everything has slipped over past few months. how little enjoyment anything brings me. how much I've started hiding away again.

was already in quite an upset state on Wednesday when I got to cubs. the deputy county commissioner was there as she is attending pack camp in the easter holidays. she didn't speak to me directly once. she spoke to parents as though I wasn't there and talked extensively to the assistant leader but that was it. she made me feel tiny because I thought the camp had food provided rather than it being catered.

I couldn't carry on and tried to resign but was pursuaded to take a break instead. she then emails me saying she might have to cancel the camp if I'm not going - despite there being three leaders and one young leader for 13 cubs on a catered camp!

so I resigned completely ccing in everyone I could think of and said that I felt the group and i had been let down by the lack of support at county level given that our group is run by completely inexperienced leaders like me.

now feel sick though I'm certain I did the right thing - though possibly in the wrong way.

in other news - got up jut before 1, am at level 1, house a mess, no clean dishes.

so sick of myself right nowangry

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 24-Mar-13 15:03:37

oh helles sad

huge hugs from me. we all seem to be having a dip right now. i will be back later to post proper but i just wanted to give you a virtual hug.

elfgypsy i will read your post proper later too....im not ignoring you - just on phone so hard to read. need to spend some time with dh now, will be back later.

huge hugs to everyone who is struggling. you are not alone. x

Big hugs to everyone esp those who're having a tough time at the mo.

vicar you completely did the right thing staying in bed today. Clearly you had an awful time yesterday and need to let yourself recover as much as possible. Plus the fact that its bl***y freezing today. As someone wise said upthread, bottling stuff up can have a big impact - my worst day followed a few days where I wasn't open about how I felt... I really do feel for you. I also think Egg is right about your DH bursting. Having supported a v depressed DH last year I know that's a tough place to be in, but not as dark as being depressed yourself. Maybe after a few days of rest - level 1 I think - you two can make peace. I don't have teenagers myself, but I think Lucy is right - it is an age/hormone thing, not a personal one.

Helles sounds to me like you made the right decision completely. So what if it was done a bit more drastically than it could have been - sometimes that's better cos it gives people more of an idea how tough you've found things recently. I recently had to pull out of some children's work I had been doing at church, and although I felt bad about it at the time, I am enjoying having made the right decision. I hope you feel able to post here about how you're feeling during the week/have someone you can be open with.

Hi Lucy hope you're surviving today. Feel free to "offload your crap" anytime.

Hi Elf that sounds like a difficult position to be in. Really hope your physical health is improving- that sounds horrible on top of the depression which is bad enough. Really glad to hear you've found a counsellor to speak to - a great idea. What's your GP like? I've heard mixed reports of the effectiveness of 5htp - are you finding it's helping? Big dates like 40ths can be tough at the best of times, let alone with the flu and feeling depressed. I hope you find it helpful to post here.

Wise words last night from Egg, Mama, Bugs hope you're all keeping warm today.

Bugsbasset Sun 24-Mar-13 16:04:26

Vicar so relieved you are home and safe . I dont think I realised how hugely distressed you were last night .Ed said exactly my thoughts and SPC sent the compassion and care we all feel for you in one sentence. I do get why you felt so alone and bullied though . Everything seems so acutely felt and we ruminate . Oh yes i know that feeling of being isolated .

Yup tell your doctor what happened . You are not well enough yet to go back to that hell that is todays policing . To not contact you re returning is frankly bloody awful . No wonder you feel as you do.

All illness in a family cause ripples in the lake that send out shock waves. Vicar you have been ill no less than any other physical sort . Family dynamics are changed. But not badly my love .

My son was 15 when I had bad time . A crucial age . They lash out and are so cruel sometimes . Your daughter is finding her way and I know from your writings that she is just being a hormonal lass ......hard to take though . I took to writing letters in the middle of the night to my loved ones .Could say what I felt and no one ignores a letter . You will be ok you know. you will promise . just time and rest ........new work .

sending you a hug .

fridgepants Sun 24-Mar-13 16:32:15

Can I join? Bipolar II, just had my sertraline increased and feeling a bit rough.

I'm moving house next weekend, after being a lodger with a much older guy who never goes oyt and communicates only in 'jokey' comments. Have spent the last few months pretty much hiding in my room as my patience is wearing thin and the only way I can manage to get time to myself is actually taking annual leave. plus,he has invited a friend to stay, with no notice, who will be staying indefinitely. He is sleeping in the dining room on the floor - same place my packed things were meant to go.

I'm looking forward to moving in with DP and living somewhere that feels like a home rather than somewhere where I am a paying guest, but I'm worried that the effects on my confidence and sense of self - being passive and private - will be long-lasing.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 24-Mar-13 17:03:04

What do the levels mean?

I have to take on my ex employers this week - they didn't pay me - the fuckers, i just wanted to draw a line under the whole sorry experience but no, now i have to fight for money i am owed - best part of £300 so i can't let it drop.

SnowyMouse Sun 24-Mar-13 17:38:33

Oh vicar. Big hugs

EggwiniasRevenge Sun 24-Mar-13 17:48:42

Big hugs to all.

The levels relate to how well dressed we are. To a certain extent what they actually consist of is personal.

Level 1 - PJs
Level 2 - stuff you would normally slob round the house but probably wouldn't wear out. For me this would be trackie bottoms and a top.
Level 3 - everyday stuff for me this would be jeans and a top.

Bonuses can be added in the form of make up, jewellery, hair straightening. Stuff like that.

It just gives an indication of motivation and mood.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 24-Mar-13 17:54:16

oh flippin eck, im really badly dressed most of the time and this is partly due to low self esteem and lack of money. Make up? whats that? Hair straitening? pah! Oh dear confused I don't actually own any PJs and sleep naked blush I don't have slob around the house clothes but im sure most people wouldnt be seen dead in my level three clothes!

EggwiniasRevenge Sun 24-Mar-13 18:11:37

But thats kind of the point. It is in essence personal to you.

So level 1 would be naked.
Level 3 would be what you would wear to thd supermarket
Level 2 is in between...

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 24-Mar-13 20:18:34

evening again all.

im feeling better tonight and i do think last nights panic and flight was triggered on some level about going back to work., though the fact i felt isolated in my own home didnt help, nor did the row with DH.

work wise i do not know how to walk back over the threshold. i just dont know how to do it. They are clearly not rushing to help me back.

im back at gp tuesday. i will tell her what happened. im going to ask for another sick note until work get the meeting sorted - but the more i think about it the less i want to go back - i think the knives are out. i passed probation, the nvq3, i never had a negative PDJ entry, but suddenly, my inspector says that he thinks i did have some issues, (in hindsight?? cos no one ever told me about them!!) that to get past probation merely means i achieved the minimum standards, and that the level of work was simply a test to see if i could handle it. He says the station im at is not busy and seems to think if i cant handle that, then i cant handle much. I tried to explain that my issues were not merely around the workload, but about the lack of help and support, and that i had felt and coped better at the busier main station because the group was more supportive, but i suspect that my sgt has been so lax that he is now having to cover his own arse and say that he has suspected problems with me or some such rubbish.....to save his own arse.
of course all that is bollocks. And there is nothing to back that up. All reports written about me were glowing. (and he wrote them)
but knowing its bollocks doesnt help. im supposed to call occy health again on Tuesday.

DH says why dont i just decide now that im not going back.

but its not that simple. We need 2 wages to survive. Ive got to get my head around the upcoming interview in 2 weeks. i am in such turmoil with it all.

Tomorrow a friend is calling for me and taking me out for a mooch shopping. I will call supervisor at work and ask re the meeting. Tuesday im going to go to the stables before i see the doctor.

my feelings last night scared me. I wanted to get in the car and disappear. vanish. Whatever that took. i felt scared, alone, confused, isolated, hopeless.

i needed today to recover. ive not had such strong feelings before.

elfgypsy ive read you post - im so sorry you are also having feelings of isolation. My dsis was a gay woman, she wanted children and would have been such a wonderful mum. She was very fun to be around, and very nurturing. I am sure your feelings of not fitting in are more about the head space you are in. Its hard though, when you do feel you dont fit in - i feel much the same within the culture at work.

Are there no support groups or networks that you could access? I can imagine that being a single parent is hard enough, without also feeling you lose your own identity though i am sure there are many many women who would identify with that feeling - and not just because of your sexuality. I think when children are little you do lose yourself a bit. And as you say, there are less opportunities to meet like minded people in more rural areas, cities do tend to be more cosmopolitan.
Hang on in there. Things will get easier as your DD gets a bit older. I think its quite common to lose confidence in who you are after kids. I bet thats something you have in common with a lot more women you come into contact with than you think, whatever their sexuality. As your DD grows you could explore what opportunities are out there to meet people. I think counselling is a good idea to help you firm up how you feel about your identity. In truth how many people fit one little box or another? not many of us im sure. smile
welcome to the thread and keep posting. i find it as good as therapy and everyone here is so kind and supportive.

also welcome to fridgepants - im also on sertraline. it made me feel rough too for a while, seem to be over that though my dreams are so vivid...and weird. thankfully not so much now.

Thank you to you all for helping me through my blip yesterday - talking me down. i dont think ive ever felt so desperate. im feeling better today - still anxious but better. thanks

thank you snowy - even with all you are coping with you still found time to support me.

thank you basset and colouring and spc and ed and mama and helles i dont know what id do without you all.

hope nana not being here means she is getting respite from HM....

thanks too ,lucyellensmum -
the levels were a bit of a jokey thing that just stuck - Ed came up with the levels, but its more about how we are feeling measured by what we can be arsed to do....

if we cant get dressed, wash face etc its a level 1 day....(guess what level im still on today? yep. 1 got to go get DD from her boyfriends in a bit but will sneak out in pjs and hope for no crashes!)

level 2 means we are fairing slightly better - maybe slobbing about in clothes we wouldnt go out in....letting it all hang out a bit! for me this means often mismatched clothes, bright pink crocs (DDs old ones!) no bra and hair that would give wurzel gummage a run for his money....

level 3 is when we feel motivated and positive - we might actually dress in something that wouldnt scare the children, we may wash our face, our hair. look generally presentable ish.

bonus points were available for add ons such as hair done, make up on, etc.

ed managed a level 4 the other day....she wore a dress and heels!! ive not managed a level 4 for a while....

x to all

EggwiniasRevenge Sun 24-Mar-13 21:06:25

Hmm...I seem to start a lot of jokey trends...Miss Aryes Rock grin

HellesBelles396 Sun 24-Mar-13 21:37:49

I'm pleased - you sound a lot calmer today vicar. often feeling suicidal comes as mental health improves. no energy to do it whilst in the deepest of deep depths!

loving the number of new names joining - apart from the fact it means you all have the grey cloud of doom enveloping your lives.

level 1 all day - actually sub as I did not clean my teeth - yuck! but can't be bothered to do anything about it. I really lose motivation to do anything when ds is at dm's (every other Saturday night) and this last week was horrendous so lying in bed watching old doctor who episodes on iPlayer seemed like a good plan. until I started to hate myself for wasting yet another day.

I have decided to create house levels as I have to get dressed most days:

level 1 - house at bedtime is worse than when I got up.

level 2 - house at bedtime is the same as when I got up.

level 3 - house at bedtime is better than when I got up (not since last tuesday!)

level 4 - house at bedtime is such that it doesn't put me off getting up tomorrow

level 5 - house at bedtime is such that dm would be allowed in...

today would be either a level 1 because there are no clean dishes still or a level 2 because I washed up what I needed rather than getting takeaway and I did some laundry. oh and chucked out some mouldy pears.

haven't heard back from scout bods about my angry email...

don't really want to go to work tomorrow but I'm scared of starting down that pathsad

EggwiniasRevenge Sun 24-Mar-13 21:49:30

I agree. You still sound distressed vicar. But you sound more grounded. More in control. Even if you don't like whats going on you have a degree of control which it felt (as a bystander) was almost completely absent last night.

helles huge hugs too. I know what you mean about not starting down the sick road. In a lot of ways I regret not ploughing on. Because itakes it difficult to start again (and it sounds as though vicar feels exactly the same). But for me. I couldn't carry on. I physically couldn't. I had about 8hrs sleep in 3-4 days and I was not able to drive safely

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 24-Mar-13 22:42:07

control was totally absent last night. i got into the car, and drove, with no clue where i was going or what i was doing. i feel better today.

helles in many ways i wish i hadnt gone off sick , i now feel like ive gone down a road there is no coming back from. work wise ive blotted my copybook. i will always be seen as flaky and have a rubbish sick record. people will be wary of me. i will not be able to transfer. Where ever i go my history will count against me. it wont matter that ive never had mh issues before. on some level i knew that if i went off ill i wouldnt go back. but in the end my physical health put paid to me soldiering on.
it feels too hard to go back now, not even sure its the job. but walking into the briefing room again. sitting with people who i know will think i should just walk. i hadnt really established any friendships at work, no one has contacted me.
i will not be missed. i would imagine there is by now a fair old bit of resentment around me being off. no one has sent me any messages asking how i am or saying get well soon. MH issues come with stigma at work. im not sure how i will get over that. or how i will stop caring about it.

HellesBelles396 Mon 25-Mar-13 06:19:42

I know I was right to be off last time but I have only 4 days left til the easter holidays.

no doubt both of you, vicar and egg were right to be off. that first time through the door is horrendous because you build it up to be more than it is. I did, anyway. truth be told, though people were nosy, no-one was actually bothered that I'd been off. except me.

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 25-Mar-13 09:21:32

Come on helles in 6hrs time you will only have 3 days left. You can do it.

Me I'm in bed. My shoulders really ache. Not sure why. No plans for yhe day but dtd1 really upset me and ruined my day 2 days running...so feel the need to punish her somehow...

Unfortunatelyanxious Mon 25-Mar-13 09:47:52

Hello all, back for a visit to new thread, welcome to new visitors to this thread!

I have been referred to see a psychiatrist as obviously deemed mad enough. I have seen a lot of health professionals lately which has been stressful. I am still going along to the day centre quite a few days a week and have made a friend there who understands me totally. If any of you get the chance see if there are any charities in your area that offer anything like this, it has made such a difference to my life.

I have also been busy with my Dad who was rushed in to hospital, he is now out and improving.

Vicar I feel the same about work, I managed my condition but now it is out there for all at work to see. Makes you feel vulnerable.

Love to everyone x

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 25-Mar-13 10:14:36

Just checking in - struggling today, no plans - always gets me

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 25-Mar-13 13:21:52

I have plans...hair to dye...house to tidy...roast to cook...

But I am in agony. Ive done something to the back of my neck between my shoulder blades and I can't move without being in excruiciating pain.

I never take painkillers for spine related stuff cos I figure that pain is there to protect you from further damage and injury. But I've had to give in and take something.

Dcs are winding me up. Dtd2 is cleaning out the guinea pig....which appears to involve sitting in front of the tv in her pjs angry.
Dtd1 is supposed to be help me wash up...which appears to involve sitting in front of the tv in her pjs angry

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 25-Mar-13 13:25:32

Ouch sad that is pants. I too have a roast to cook, i got a massive joint (of lamb!) from tesco i can't wait actually. I just need to get off my arse confused

Queenofknickers Mon 25-Mar-13 13:36:13

Can I join in? Feeling crap.
Quick biog - had depression since childhood, some episodes severe some less, currently take fluoxetine, Valdoxan and diazepam. Have weekly psychotherapy (although cant at moment) and have had loads of other therapy CBT etc including training as psychotherapist myself for 2 years. Had last major episode over a year ago although daily battle to keep it at bay. However 4 weeks ago my beloved grandad died and I had major spinal surgery 2 days after funeral meaning have been bedridden. Feel awful. Just want to cry and cry. Some of you might recognise me from other threads - I feel better when helping/ advising others - just don't seem able to do it myself.

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 25-Mar-13 13:57:17

Hi queen - i hear you re the advising others, it all seems so crystal clear when it i someone else doesn't it? I am so sorry to hear about your grandad sad

RE the surgery, i was told when i had an aneasthetic and strugled afterward that the anaesthetic can cause people to be very down for quite some time? would this make sense? It sounds like you have so much going on - i hope that the surgery was a success xx

Hi everyone,
welcome queen, sorry to hear you're having such a tough time and esp sorry about your Grandad. I know what you mean about advising others too.

Lucy get that oven on wink just imagine how yummy it will taste.
Egg shoulder sounds rubbish. Have you tried putting a hot water bottle over/under the most painful area? Does definately sound like a max strength ibuprofen day tho. Hope it feels better soon.
UA so pleased to hear you're dad's improving and that you've found the day place helpful. Hope the psychiatrist is helpful too.
Helles any way you can incentivise your getting through the next few days at work. For me it would be a creme egg in the eve - how about you? Hang in there.

vicar so sorry your work situation is making you feel so unhappy. I know its very hard not to automatically think people are thinking the worst. And as you know the culture, some/many may not have respect for someone will mental illness, but I'm sure there are others that would be sympathetic even if they're not big enough to say that out loud. Would it help to give yourself a timescale, if you do go back, of say 2 months and then you decide whether to stay or go? Sending {{hugs}}

Waving to anyone I've missed.

I am hanging in there today. Yesterday had a v anxious day, nauseous this morning, so think I am feeling the effects of the fluoxetine increase. Met with GP and she agreed with me to do alternate days of the higher dose for a week or so to help me get used to it more gradually. Despite feeling pretty zonked I did manage to go out for a walk in siberian winds and have a coffee with a friend. So I guess that's good! But no nap as DH home so not looking forward to the afternoon too much!

Take care everyone x

Bugsbasset Mon 25-Mar-13 17:07:24

Hello all

Welcome from me also Queen , a tough time indeed .How is your mobility now? So sorry to read about the loss of your grandad. Hope you stay with us

I went doolally [sp] and got three legs of lamb from Asda yesterday Lucy .
A brainstorm but they were well priced and will see us through the years high spots blush . Now got no money left daft mare . Adore lamb . Hope you enjoy the roast . So tasty and so much to do with leftovers . Lovely to see your name pop up .

UA can only imagine how relieved you must be about your dad and his improvement . So pleased . I have never looked into charity support so thank you for the tip. A friend who just gets "it" is precious and sometimes more help than the pills .....well a good ally anyway . Lovely to see you back on thread .

Colouring High Five [just typed Hugh five wtf? ] for walking in this Arctic weather . Bet the coffee was like manna from heaven when back in the warmth. Exercise is an absolute must for anxiety and depression as we all know so well .But hey this winter is making it hard for sure sad .
Glad you saw your doc and have plan in place . The retching and spacy feelings are so nasty first thing .I find green tea/lemon and ginger tea helpful .At last resort soda water to make me burp [sorry if tmi] .Dry toast .

Helles keep going if you can . Try some imagery . Get up and do your toiletry things . Put kettle on and then open back door and let the fresh [frankly freezing air ] blast you ...take some deep breaths slowly and look around /listen /smell .
Have a lovely cuppa of your choice and a banana ,yoghurt /toast .
Set off for work with the mental image of us all here on your shoulder . You have understanding and comfort and gentle hugs from so many people here .
We are with you every step of the way to get over the hurdle of getting to work . I hope you get my drift . This has helped me through recent "dont want to do it times " . I know you are all there with me somehow. I sat on the bus and pondered on how you all looked and your lives .

Crikey the power of the internet in such a lovely way is to meet you all online .

Bugs lovely wise words thank you smile. Enjoy all the lamb wink

Completely agree about the wonderful support here - it does reassure me about the kindness of people - of strangers in fact. You're all amazing.

I think I have PMS at the mo.. been reflecting on these last couple of days how I've been soooooo irritable and it builds during the day. Last month didn't get it - unusually & thought the fluox had killed it off - but seems I just had a lucky month. Anyone else find their hormones make things worse? I'm having to work hard not to loose it with DH and DCs now. Youngest is complaining he doesn't feel well and all I can think is - well you have to go to school cos I'm seeing the counsellor tomorrow blush hoping he can make it through til 12...

Hope everyone had an OK day x

NanaNina Mon 25-Mar-13 19:31:52

Hello all (those that remember me anyway) as I can see quite a few new people on the thread. I think now there are too many people for me to keep track of (not meant as a criticism just an observation) and there is a huge amount of support for everyone and many of you who can keep track!

The other thing is that I know there are others on the MH threads that are not getting as much support as they need, so I thought maybe I would respond to other some other posts. I have enjoyed meeting you all and I think the level of support on here is second to none. Many of yu can recall so much about everyone else and this is a really positive thing for everyone. Oh lord I'm trying to say "au revoir" and sounding all stilted. I won't be able to resist popping back from time to time to see how yu all are.

The person I am worried about is you snowymouse though I know you chip in when you are able. Anyway I am going to start a thread for you and you can respond or not as you like.

Stars for excellent posts as far as I'm concerned are Vicar Ed mama
and bassetfeet (I know some of you have changed to Easter names.)

My HM has been asleep for a reasonably long time so I have had some respite and I have a tiny glimmer of hope that the added meds will give me more benefit.

Lots of Love to you all. NNxx

Thanks Nana I've seen your great advice on other threads too.. Hope the HM sleeps for 100 years. But you know we're here for you when you need support too. Take care x

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 25-Mar-13 20:30:01

Yup. Use the thread as you wish nana. No-one is holding you here. But you and your wise words will always be welcome.

I'm heading to bed soon. Feeling really ill. Neck really hurts. Headache. Nauseous. Busy day tomorrow. Will catch up tomorrow.

Bugsbasset Mon 25-Mar-13 21:46:21

Ed have you a wheatpack to put in the microwave ? Or the hotty suggested by Colouring . See the doc wont you if concerned . Often see mine and get reassured re its the tight muscles sending shooting pains into my head and sickly feeling . But best to check .
You sound so low . Hope you sleep well and have peaceful dreams. Thinking of you .

Nina flowers I completely understand . You are a giver of comfort . Your vocation in the workplace and now here . I love your advice and compassion .
I think our paths will cross over the threads hopefully . You have been a huge help to me .Call in for a virtual cuppa now and then lovely dear lady .
And long may that damn headmonster stay in a coma . Easter in Ireland ?
Ah ...........the spring and family eh? Take good care and enjoy . x

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 25-Mar-13 21:48:00

evening everyone.

firstly nana i really hope that it is au revoir and not adios.....you are like the mummy of the group and i will miss you terribly if you dont post. i hear what you are saying, but you are my security blanket....all of you are, but you are a wise old owl (ok less of the old) and i wont feel right if you dont pop in when you can. sad no pressure of course. but i hate losing people. virtually or otherwise.

UA im so glad you found us here. so pleased to see you. Am heartened by your post and so glad your dad is improving.

knickers a very warm welcome. i wonder why we cant take our own advice....

hugs to everyone else....helles the last few days before some time off are always the hardest to get through.....its like the end of a marathon.....you can do it. i know you can. count down those days my lovely....

egg im so sorry you are in pain. Rest up and do what you need to do. Sorry the kids are making things difficult at min....

colouring well done on the walk.....its brass monkeys out there. i walked pooch today to park....i had a silly hat on and tied it under my chin - probably looked about 5 again. but was warm! so dont care!

and lucy enjoy the lamb.
i cant eat it lately....

big waves and massive hugs to anyone ive not mentioned - its not personal - its just my very very dodgy memory!

Today for me....
level 3. with bonus points. hair - tick. make up - tick. ear rings - tick. perfume - tick.
had my lovely pal not dragged me out i would have been in bed. She knew. She came and took me for a lovely morning out mooching around some lovely lovely shops, then we had a lunch out.

she told me some home truths. She told me that i cant change the people around me - i can only change how i deal with them. She is so sensible and im so glad i have her in my life. she is very dear to me and has been where i have been.
she was the first person i rang on Saturday night.

then she took me to meet her new puppy and i had puppy squidges.

im at GP tomorrow with strict instructions to tell GP of blip....not a bit of a blip - a full on meltdown blip. i will do as told!

also am heartened by fact i had asked for opinion on a police forum - i was so scared to go back and look at the replies - but they are all positive and lead me to think its not me.....
im feeling slightly better about that. It seems i work in a place that is ever so slightly (!!!!!!) behind the times....(the word 'dinosaur' has been used!)

i feel that there is value in asking for a completely fresh start.
im sticking with my plan B - the other job - but im going to ask for a move, and give it 6 months if i dont get the other job.
im putting my faith in fate.
whatever will be will be. i trust it will be right.

i have my other lovely friend coming tomorrow. i called her tonight and told her abut saturday and she was very cross that i hadnt called her. she is my mummy figure. i love her dearly. i didnt want to burden her though - she is having her beloved dog pts on weds.....i felt she had enough on her plate. our boys are the same age with the same condition. i am the exact age her DD would have been if she lived (she died at the age of 7) and she is the mum i never had. i could never fill the hole her dd left, her boy did that, but we are united in our struggles with our sons and she is very very dear to me. i love her to bits.

i need to call occy health tomorrow. im going to ask for another sick note until case meeting is sorted.
im going to stables on Weds now instead of tomorrow but going early for my horsey fix.

i feel more in control again today. am going to meet my friend who i went out with this morning again next week. I will look forward to that.

im trying to relax a bit. will write some stuff down for gp tomorrow.

goodnight all. hope tomorrow is a good day.

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 25-Mar-13 22:04:35

Vicar - am glad you had a "good" day today, you deserve it. I hope you manage to sort your work out i really do - you have so much to give.

The lamb was yummy I can't remember the last time i had a whole joint of lamb and didn't have to scrimp with it. We invited my mum round for dinner which seemed to cheer her up a bit. I think she suffers from depression to, but she would never admit to it - just not of that generation.

I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow - very mixed feelings about that as i have had a better day today (maybe the meds are starting to work?) so i don't want to have a navel gazing slip, if that makes sense.

Egg I hope your pain is giving you some respite

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 25-Mar-13 22:10:34

lucy thank you. the navel gazing blip makes perfect sense to me.....but maybe counselling will bring clarity.

i realised i had forgotten to name check dear basset and mama....as the thread gets more posters i get more brain addled....

i need a spread sheet smile

love to all. off to bed soon. could have a wee bit of a lie in tomorrow....

Bugsbasset Mon 25-Mar-13 22:22:40

Vicar .......so so relieved you are feeling calmer .
Ah good friends are precious . It works both ways and you must be as precious to them also for your care of them when troubled .
Dont start me on puppies ! Animals always press my buttons but young ones send me into a netmum sort shock

I wondered about the responses you got from the police forum . excellent that you got positive response from those who KNOW .
Speak candidly to your doc tomorrow about your distress at the weekend . You need another sick note . Now is not the time to return to work yet .
Yes life will pick up Vicar . It will .

Off to put grand dog out for his last wee . My sons dog who I look after while he is out sorting the mad,sad and bad . Think with the freezing cold he may worm his way under my duvet tonight wink.
Thoughts for your mummy friend with her poorly dog Vicar. flowers

Bugsbasset Mon 25-Mar-13 22:35:43

ok we dont need name checking do we ? just adds pressure .
lovely place to write our feelings and thoughts . Sometimes add a message to one of us who is struggling or who has helped us.
I have been here for a while and just know if I write differently or sound upset that one of you will hear me . As I will you . Know you are all there if I need you .
like to have a bit chat also mind blush .

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 25-Mar-13 23:59:47

That's it exactly, basset smile takes the pressure off.

Catch up later, am enjoying Ireland v much smile

Morning everyone. so pleased you're spending time with lovely friends vicar and glad the lamb was good Lucy like you my mum has been depressed - I think for most of her life, and last week she finally admitted it!

Quick question - I have been loads more irritable the last couple of days and am wondering if its increase in meds or PMS - do any of you find your hormones make your depression worse? Thanks x

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 11:05:02

colouringinqueen I have been thinking along similar lines and had a similar conversation with DP yesterday. I have a mirena coil (which i am aware can cause depression but my doctor insists not!) and have had it for a long time, quite a palava getting the last one out, involving several doctors and a condom - true story! So i mentioned yesterday to DP tht i often wonder about the sodding contraption and his reaction - an emphatic DO NOT have that thing removed! The reason is that I don't APPEAR to suffer from PMT, because i don't have any periods at all since it was inserted. He said the thought of me having PMT on top of my depression actually scares him blush as I do get very aggressive with PMT. He wasn't joking! But heres a thing - i may not have periods but this past week my nipples have been really sore - to the point that if DP touches them he is likely to get lamped.

Today not so good - probably due to having to go to the counsellor for assesment. I have had a bath though which is a step forward blush

Does anyone else struggle with doing even every day things? I find that i procrastinate so much because everything seems a challenge - this is causing issues. I am even talking washing up as i get confused over the logistics of the whole thing.

Hi Lucy I can def imagine you're questioning the coil as I have heard it can cause depression too. Worth getting opinion from a diff GP? I know what you mean about PMT - I get depressed and The Rage! But your hormones do sound a bit out of kilter re: the sore nipples.. (I think that can be a PMS sympton too?)

Sorry to hear you're not so good. I really really struggled to get up today but did get to counsellor and feel better for it. It is so easy to give advice rather than take it - I got home and have had a manic 40 mins hoovering downstairs, putting washing in machine, spot cleaning kitchen floor, removing all cups and glasses from my bedroom!!! But I am now going to sit on sofa (knackered) for a couple of hours and not feel bad about it.

I do struggle with cooking - seems I can manage the washing up - but cooking a meal takes me ages due to poor concentration and difficulty following recipe/doing things in the right order - we keep eating very late... so sending sympathies.

Hope you get on OK at the counsellor x

NanaNina Tue 26-Mar-13 13:06:20

See I'm back already!! Just wanted to say thank you to Vicar Ed and Bugsbasset for your lovely kind words, which provide a much needed ego boost, as depression can make us forget who we once were! I think Vicar that it was just you and me for a little while, and of course it is your thread.

It certainly is "an revoir" and not "adios" - anyway Vicar I definitely need to find out what happens in the world of work for you!!

NanaNina Tue 26-Mar-13 13:14:21

Oh thank you to you too CinQ for your kind words too and anyone else I've forgotten!

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 26-Mar-13 13:27:10

afternoon everyone.

glad to hear that nana - will look forward to your visits. x

lucy - the procrastination and lack of clarity are definitely linked i think to depression - i think its something we have all had in common here. Definitely see a different gp with regard to the coil - i know your DH has concerns but there are other methods that might make you feel better.

im at doctors this afternoon. worrying a bit. not quite sure how to convey what happened on saturday. (when i lost the plot completely)

ive not phoned work. im procrastinating on that too.

Bugsbasset Tue 26-Mar-13 14:38:57

Oh Nina so so pleased to read your post. For two reasons in that you are going to be staying with the thread ....and the head monster is in a coma grin

Hope the weather holds for your family visit to the Emerald Isle and you rest lots and enjoy the family time together.

Lucy Am sure hormones play a bigger part in womens depression /anxiety than realised by the docs . I know one of the ladies here posting has similar trouble . Seems to me that fluctuations cause an imbalance .......but there is little time between periods to recover equilibrium before the Pmt starts again.
Damn exhausting sad. We can send men to the moon but cant get real good research in to why so many ladies suffer far more than they should hormone wise .

I just cannot get the get up and go to do anything related to housework or garden . So it depresses me that my environment is messy and chaotic . I know once I get my house clean again and garden sorted it will lift me . Good word procrastination . I am for sure its biggest fan . Need good boot up the butt. This cant go on .

Vicar maybe you will be back from the doc as I type. And feeling better and supported . No job is worth a lovely wife and mum to feel so low as you did lovely lass. But hey go with the flow re work and see what they come up with maybe . Nothing to lose and dont fret . You know and we know that you did your job well . The probation period you passed superbly and dont forget it . The top brass have not a leg to stand on . Stand your ground re lack of mentoring and support from senior officers . a hug [unmumsnetty one of course]

Waves to all smile

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 14:42:36

I went to see my counsellor, it was a lady i saw a few years back and it was ok, it was just an assesment really. I ranted somewhat about the college and she said tht she has many clients from there! and that it has a notorious reputation for mistreating their staff. She also put my mind at rest somewhat over the reference situation. So again i feel a bit vindicated and a little bit less useless.

DP has just been offered some work with an agency, i wont relax and believe it until he goes out the door to do it but this could be a bacon saver, its only 6 weeks duration but with a possibility of extension. Like i say though, i wont count my chickens.

Colouringinqueen, could you come to my house and clean my kitchen please? I have still to load the dishwasher from last night confusedblush Glad you feel better for seeing your counsellor.

Bugsbasset Tue 26-Mar-13 14:43:27

Ed how is your neck today ?

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 14:46:57

Bugs - hello - oh i so hear you regarding the state of the house, its the same for me and DP, our house looks like its inhabited by squatters, and thats on a good day - We keep saying we will sort it out, do we do it? do we bollocks - every year the same. I think both DP and myself are coming to breaking point with it though so im hoping tthat we can kick that bastard procrastination in the teeth as well.

Its funny (well not funny at all!) that you have suffered as a result of lack of support Vicar, why is it that people in management treat people this way. and more to the point? Why are they getting away with it? angry

apatchylass Tue 26-Mar-13 15:36:50

Hi,
please can I join you? I haven't read all the threads becauser I'm having a rought time and can't concentrate much. Sorry.

48, married with 2 DSs. Had depression all my life, since adolesence and have spent soooo much of my life and my energy trying to fight it alone with endless self help books, with the result that I must be the world's biggest underachiever (went to oxbridge, got a good degree but never earned as much as the minimum wage - never felt worth more.) Had severe PND after birth of DC and after a few trials with failed drugs ended up on Citalopram, which worked wonders for five years until earlier this year.
The side effects are just too much for me now. I sleep 12-14 hours a day. I'm now 25lb overweight, having never been overweight before. And I get nothing done. Achieve nothing, day in day out, much the same as when I was depressed. Today I have walked 3.5 miles with a friend first thing, then come home to do a mountain of work and done none of it. Not even picked up the report I'm working on.
I desperately want to come off the ADs but am scared.
Sorry for being a newbie who comes on and offloads but i saw the title of the thread and thought, yes please. I need help. Don't know what to do for the best for my DC and DH (who is long term unemployed with worries of his own!)

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 17:25:21

Hi there patchy - Ive not been on this thread long either, but have been getting support from mnet or a lon time. I know where you are coming from with the degree thing, i feel exactly the same, its to do with low self esteem. I am hoping to change that. Maybe it is time to change your AD, or at maybe come off? I would be careful about doing that though as i came off citalopram against medical advice about three years ago and now back to square one - with diazepam thrown in for good measure.

I too get fuck all done during the day, but i did much the same when i wasn't on the tablets, so i put that down to the anxiety and depression. Anxiety is my bigger problem although now i know im battling depression too it all sort of makes more sense.

Have you done any counselling at all? Do you think tht might help you come off the pills? I don't think a counsellor will want to work on coming off meds directly, but if you could sort your head out you may well find you don't actually need them anymore?

How old are your children? I have two, 22 and 7, bit of a gap, both girls smile

apatchylass Tue 26-Mar-13 18:04:52

Thanks for replying Lucy.

Is there ever any end to it? Pretty sure I shouldn't try to come off the ADs right now as I'm feeling low any way. I'm just soo tired of living a half life, of not achieving what I could or should: earning a proper living, keeping fit, keeping my house in good order, having a lively social life. I'm tired of everything being a struggle and borderline coping.

What I hate most about depression is the glimpses of the person I'd be if I didn't have it. I hear so much about the people I was at uni with - publishing books, and making films, becoming QCs and running the country. Not that I want to be doing what they are, just to be doing somehting as worthwhile. Hmm.

Thanks for the suggestion of counselling. Not sure it would suit me. Whenever I've tried it before, I get so panicked by how they pry into your background that I never want to return. If only I could lose the weight and get my physical energy back, I'd be happy to stay on ADs forever.

DC are 10 and 11, both boys, very happy and lively and bright. But I know one of them will suffer depression, I recognise it in his personality and have done everything I can to try and stop it happening to him. He gets plenty of attention and support and is made to feel worthy and deserving of a good life. But can you protect children from what's bred in the bone? My DF had severe depression throughout my childhood, his mother had it before him and was so debilitated by it that her kids grew up hating her (she was a lousy mum) and were totally estranged from her. So there is progression through the generations. I love my dad and we're close. He was very difficult but he was also loving. I try to be a very good mum and do all the things for my DC that weren't done for me as a child. Just hope it's enough.

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 18:19:27

Of course its enough!! The thing is, how do you know that your friends who are off living these amazing lives are actually happy? writers are notoriously depressive and if they're running the country, lets face it, they aren't doing such a great job wink

What would you like to do? Can you think of ways to make it happen - do you work? If not, could you volunteer in an area of interest? I did that and it did improve my confidence. Then i took on a job and was screwed up by my shite employers.

It sounds like you are putting alot of pressure on yourself - I am starting to come to terms with the fact that actually i wont be persuing my previous career and starting to think of other things i might like to do.

apatchylass Tue 26-Mar-13 18:32:55

Thanks so much for replying again, Lucy. LOL at the ones running the country. yes, they're not doinga great job, but they must have so much self confidence and physical energy just to do it. that's what I admire, not the end product! smile

A few people have said to me recently that I put a lot of pressure on myself. Not quite sure what else could be done to try and get out of a bad rut. Is there a way out without pressure?

You're right of course that these people in the public eye aren't necessarily happier, but at least they are using some of the skills they were born with. It's the endlessly frittering away of time that gets me down. I run my own business, which I really enjoy usually, but could work ten times more with better energy levels. The money coming in is minimal because I get too sleepy to work more than two hours a day while the Dc are at school, and can't focus when they are home.

HellesBelles396 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:01:59

cbt doesn't need to include discussion of your past, patchy (hello btw) - it's more about changing thought processes and patterns of behaviour. it's the therapy of preference so is relatively easy to access both on the nhs and privately.

I have made a right arse of myself - the emails have continued! the county training manager has been very dismissive and has really got my back up grrangry

generally I'm feeling like I can't go on. if there was some way of waking up tomorrow as somene else, I'd be there like a shot. I really am disgusting.

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:10:46

<<hugs>> hellesbelles - i can't help but notice an underlying trend here - bloody managers, they seem to rule by making people feel insecure and crap, at least that is how mine worked, after a while you end up believing them. Fuckers! Taking a step back from my crock of shite, i think i did ok actually.

CappuccinoQueen Tue 26-Mar-13 20:14:24

I hope no one minds me posting on here. I have read this thread and identify with so much that has been said.

I have suffered from depression since adolescence. Grew up in an extremely abusive household, I was terrified of my dad and his temper which he regularly took out on me, my siblings and my mum. Witnessed a lot of horrific DV against my DM which has left so many emotional scars. I always wished my childhood away, desperately looking forward to the time I could escape and make a life for myself. Went to uni and achieved a first, got my foot in the door at a great company and then things started to unravel and my depressive episodes became more frequent. I lurched from one abusive relationship to the next, found I couldn't cope at work so I 'job hopped' a lot and basically have made a massive mess of my CV. Things came to a head two years ago when I had a breakdown and tried to take my own life - since then things have been really, really hard.

I've been on all sorts of different AD's, had CBT, am currently having psychotherapy and am under the care of the local well being service but I just feel in a rut and the depression isn't lifting. I feel a failure and frustrated with my life; I had such high hopes and I feel I have achieved nothing.

APatchyLass - what you said about hearing how others are now doing well for themselves has really struck a chord. When I hear about my uni friends in high flying careers I feel frustrated. I know if it wasn't for my illness I could be doing similar sorts of things and it makes me very sad. It doesn't help that my dad always says: "If you didn't have depression you could have been so successful. You've ruined your chances now." Thanks dad, really helpful!

Anyway, sorry for the essay. It helped to write that down and, again, I hope you don't mind me gate crashing this thread!

Hi everyone esp new people, sorry I'm not going to namecheck everyone as feeling very foggy this eve.

patchy and cappucino I so understand what you mean about feeling like an underachiever. I am also an oxbridge graduate (a good conversation stopper I tend to find) and feel v inferior compared to my peers. Sorry to hear you're both having such a tough time.
Lucy my burst this morning has been followed by a crash this eve hmm Glad your session with counsellor was helpful. I completely get what you're saying about thinking about doing something different. I can't see me going back to marketing, but am enjoying learning to paint.

Helles so sorry to hear you're feeling so rubbish today. I've read your brilliant advice on other threads and you sound like a lovely person. Hang in there.

I'm really hoping my worse mood the last couple of days is hormone related. Otherwise I think I'm going to have to try another AD. Have been on Fluox for a while now and altho I was a bit better last week, I think that was also because I did pace myself better and there weren't any extra stresses...

Sending much sympathy and warm wishes to everyone x

Bugsbasset Tue 26-Mar-13 20:30:09

Helles your distress is palpable. Oh my you are not disgusting sad . That inner voice that says these awful things needs evicting .......but the beast is sneaky and hard to shake I truly know.
You are a valuable kind lady . You work hard for others . You have integrity .

Bullies are all around us and that training manager is a perfect example. Do not let these people into your mind or soul for one second . Not long until Easter break and some restoring of your spirit . New life and spring around the corner.
I have lived long enough now to see karma . Not revenge at all . Just if you treat people badly ........then it comes back to you . Thinking of you .

Bugsbasset Tue 26-Mar-13 21:02:11

Hello apatchylass and Cappuccino smile

So many of us of all ages and different lives struggling . our lovely Vicar started this thread . I feel at home here . Hope you do too .

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 26-Mar-13 21:21:44

helles - you are really truly not seeing yourself as others do. You are being undermined by idiots. Dont let anyone make you feel like this - they are not worth it - you worth 100 of them. believe it. its true.

easter is nearly here, and a rest. a rest from work. a rest from people who dont make you feel better.

bugs is right about karma btw....hang on in there lovely.

I saw gp. Ive still heard nothing from work - i was meant to phone occy health today - will do it in next day or so. GP gave me another sick note but with the view that within this period something should be sorted for me to get back to work - she thinks that being off is now causing me anxiety. I cant go back until they call this case conference - which no one seems to be in any rush to do.

im going to the stables tomorrow. sod it.

Im also taking a stand with DD. Her not talking to me like shit lasted all of 2 days - she wanted her navel piercing on Friday, i booked it, tonight i had the audacity to ask about college and got a mouthful of abuse.

i said "carry on and..." so she thought she would fill in the blank and say "yeah yeah, im grounded"

i said no. im not taking you on friday. simple.

and im sticking to it. im cancelling it tomorrow. She will throw a strop but i need to make a stand and say enough is enough. Ive become so passive, everyone is walking all over me. I need to take some control back. Starting at home.
am bracing myself for the fall out.

Good for u vicar re: your DD. Sounds like exactly the right decision. I know what you mean about being passive - discipline (without wishing to sound like a victorian school mistress) has slipped a bit here too and it doesn't help anyone... Stand firm drink wine Good luck!

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 26-Mar-13 22:04:22

thanks colouring

i meant to say welcome also to the new posters....<waves> a warm welcome.
smile

HellesBelles396 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:18:12

well done vicar stand firm with her.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 26-Mar-13 23:49:05

i dont really know what happened or when, but i never used to let my kids treat me like shit.....

somehow ive ended up in this position.
a few weeks ago i accidently dyed 2 of her t shirts blue.....she told me to fuck off and die....she threw the hugest strop ever. there was absolutely no reasoning with her - not even DH could talk to her.

and i ran out to boyes for dylon and apologised and dyed them back.....wtaf?? when did i get like this?

my mate yesterday said she would have put them in the bin. end of.
i felt guilty doing that. i paid for them. i felt i had to put them right. when i did she never said sorry.

ive no idea whats happened to me. if DD threw a tantrum at a 3 yr old i used to ignore her until she got over it.....somehow between then and now ive turned into a simpering idiot....

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 27-Mar-13 00:04:28

Evening all.

I shall start by saying welcome to the new faces.*queen, queen, patch, lucyellens* and anyone else I've forgotten.

Manic day here so I've only skimmed the thread. Hang in there *helles. 2 more days to go before a rest.

Stay strong and firm vicar. I'm having problems with dtd1 at the moment and her total disregard for me, for others and material possessions. Will post more tomorrow.

Waves to everyone else. I will try and grt to grips with the rest of the thread. Right noe I'm shattered. Couldn't get to sleep last night till nearly 2am vecayse of pain. Up at 8. Spent the day tooing and froing and sitting in various medical waiting rooms with friend and her dd.

Now I'm in bed. My neck and shoulders hurt. But I'm going to gave a positive day tomorrow baking easter cupcakes with the dcs smile

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 27-Mar-13 00:05:24

Evening all.

I shall start by saying welcome to the new faces. queen, queen, patchy, lucyellens and anyone else I've forgotten.

Manic day here so I've only skimmed the thread. Hang in there *helles. 2 more days to go before a rest.

Stay strong and firm vicar. I'm having problems with dtd1 at the moment and her total disregard for me, for others and material possessions. Will post more tomorrow.

Waves to everyone else. I will try and grt to grips with the rest of the thread. Right noe I'm shattered. Couldn't get to sleep last night till nearly 2am vecayse of pain. Up at 8. Spent the day tooing and froing and sitting in various medical waiting rooms with friend and her dd.

Now I'm in bed. My neck and shoulders hurt. But I'm going to gave a positive day tomorrow baking easter cupcakes with the dcs smile

Bugsbasset Wed 27-Mar-13 00:16:32

hi Vicar smile
My fault with teens was to shrink their T shirts in the tumble drier. YES i own up .
But like all mums washing /drying and keeping toot at the time was not on my radar while making tea /drying dogs paws/hoovering up the mess of family living

They soon learned to do their own precious clothing wink. And best to say f**k off under your breath . And smile .

Nowt we say as mums seems to penetrate . But it does Vicar a few years along the line . x

HellesBelles396 Wed 27-Mar-13 07:19:05

taking today off to go to doctor's.

Good plan Helles I really hope you going on the attack with this awful illness helps and your Doc is good.

Sending supportive vibes to everyone with teenagers and brew

I was v low yest pm and eve. DD said are you cross mummy. I told DH and he said bad vibes were coming off me and it was hard for the kids and for him sad so feel pretty bad about it now. Don't blame him for being honest tho. I was in his shoes last year and that's a horrible place to be too. Hoping to have a better day today. Am having a very lazy start to the day, then going to go for a walk and meet my dad at a local cafe. Sun is trying to break through here which helps. Feel a bit stuck at the moment and like I've made no progress - now been three months hmm so it feels like a big effort not to slide into despair. Anyhow, onwards.... looking forward to lunch with my wonderful dad and think I might take a Lakes map with me and we can look at places to go after Easter.

Good morning everyone x

Cairngorms Wed 27-Mar-13 12:12:24

Just wanted to call in and say a tentative 'hi'.
I am trying to concentrate on getting better after a long time of depression / anxiety leading to confused thoughts and poor decision making and regrets.
Right now, I am supposed to be not spending my time fretting about decisions for the children, and starting focusing on getting better. I am finding that I'm in a big crash where basic self-care is slipping, and I'm struggling to do the basic things in the day. Next task today is to eat something ....

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 27-Mar-13 12:39:13

Hello there Cairngorms - good to see you here. I need to eat something too - stuck to my fecking seat though, as usual sad Bloody frustrating, but ill get there in the end

NanaNina Wed 27-Mar-13 12:43:30

Aah CG I have found you - and I'm NOT FB stalking honest. I have been on this thread for a long time and have just pulled out for a while (NOT because it isn't supportive as it certainly is, but there are a lot of people on it) and I was getting confused with who said what and I like to respond to posts...........I have been given the opportunity to return if I wish! You will certainly get a lot of support on here and see the length and breadth of various mental illnesses and how they manifest themselves.

I think that you will be advised to take the meds!!

Have your PM and will respond later.

Hi to everyone on this lovely thread.

Queenofknickers Wed 27-Mar-13 13:02:03

Hello everyone, bit better today as less anxious after getting repeat prescription - always panic they will take them away even though I've been on them for years. Does anyone else get that?

Struggling to eat/wash today. Husband gone away for week so no one to make me. Am hungry just can't be bothered get up and make food. ( possible automatic thought - why bother feeding myself I don't matter).

How is everyone else doing?

HellesBelles396 Wed 27-Mar-13 13:20:48

queen, lucy cairngorm little steps: clean your teeth. if you feel like doing more, have a quick wash and put on some downstairs clothes.

if you're already at stage 2, your little step is to put the kettle on and make a jam sandwich (or honey/nutella/philly)

if you have are stage 2 and have eaten, your little step is to say hello to a friend - by phone, facebook, text or email.

my friend bullied me out of the door and out for a cuppa this morning - thank God! or I'd be stage 1 and Ncj in bed after gp's appointment.

gp says I do too much but that, though my mind is tired, my body isn't so he is says I have to start going to the gym. yes cos it's that easy. turns out though, if you tell your mum and best friend what he said, they gang up on you, take you to the sports shop to get larger sports gear and set up a rota to remind nag you to the gym and check up afterwards!

Queenofknickers Wed 27-Mar-13 13:51:46

Thanks for encouragement HellesBelles, I have sprayed deodorant but hae located bath oil for later and eaten Tracker plus spoke to SIL this am. So actually I guess I'm doing OK!

apatchylass Wed 27-Mar-13 14:05:34

Ouch Queenofknickers, I remember that feeling of not bothering to feed myself because I didn't really exist. Please will you go and eat something to look after yourself because we on this thread think you matter and want you not to go hungry when you're ill. And please will you let me know that you've had something to eat (another Tracker bar maybe - one isn't enough to keep you going. Low blood sugar might lower your mood even firther and you don't need that.)

Also, even if you don't get dressed, can you take 10-15 mins outdoors if you have a garden. It's milder today. The sunlight and fresh air might give you a bit of energy.

apatchylass Wed 27-Mar-13 14:06:58

And thanks everyone for the warm welcome. It's very kind. Great thread. Thanks Vicar.

SnowyMouse Wed 27-Mar-13 16:29:26

Do take care all, particularly NanaNina.

Thinking of all of you, still in hospital so I can't read or post much.

NanaNina Wed 27-Mar-13 17:59:08

Oh Hello snowymouse - I was leaving this thread for a while because there were so many people on it I couldn't keep up with everyone but I am invited back whenever......I intended to start a thread for you in case I miss you on here.
You are in and out of my thoughts a lot and I do so hope things are at least bearable. You sound such a lovely person, always concerned about others and never moaning about yourself. I'll look out for you on this thread xxxxx

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 27-Mar-13 22:01:03

Hi all. Tired but happy, I have returned from the Emerald Isle to Sarf London, for a visit with my aged parents. Need to catch up on sleep...

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 27-Mar-13 22:15:26

a very quick "sticking my head around the door to shout HI!" post and to say welcome to cairn, a wave to everyone else and snowy im glad you are managing to nip in every now and then....thinking of you. x

been to stables. knackered. hurt my back. cant keep eyes open....will catch up with everyone tomorrow.

hope everyone is ok. x

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 28-Mar-13 00:41:50

Sticking my head in too.

Good day here. Miling about the house but reasonably productive.

Welcome to the new comers. Still haven't had a chance to catch up (half term here so no laying in bed reading mn all day).

How did you go with the dr helles? And well done for dragging the new comers through the morning. helles is our very own mrs motivator and keeps us in check...and plodding thru the day.

Neck still bad. Bit better today. Dunno what ive done...

Busy day tomorrow. Need to bath and headlice check dd3 (with my neck that will be fun). Dtds are at a sleepover...but they havee only just setled themselves to sleep tonight. Dentist for dds. And then cinema for me and dd3...best toddle off to bed.

(Oh and can someone remind me to book dd3s birthday party and do ebay order please).

Night all.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 28-Mar-13 00:47:32

i love that helles is our mrs motivator. I hear helles when i cant get up....or, when, like yesterday, some numpty knocked me out of bed asking if i wanted trees pruning. i have no trees! hmm

i could have gone back to bed. but i didnt.

having a lie in tomorrow though....just a little one!

HellesBelles396 Thu 28-Mar-13 06:56:29

the doctor says I have to:
make quality time for myself
tire my body by doing 30mins cv at least 3 times a week
cutting down my activities.

I tried resigning from cubs but no-one noticed so I'm taking a month off.

HellesBelles396 Thu 28-Mar-13 07:00:46

ps vicar - well done grin

nina you keep saying that you're leaving the thread because there are too many people on and that is quite unpleasant.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 28-Mar-13 13:23:43

i think nina just loses track a bit feels she cant answer posts as well when there are lots and lots of people - she speaks very intimately to folk, which is lovely. Its fine if she dips in and out - i think lots of people do that. Dont take it personally helles - this thread is about using it however people need to.

i use it similarly to ed - its just me getting thoughts out of my head...

i think you are having a really difficult time at the min helles, and you sound so run down, hopefully with a rest, and doing some nice things for yourself, you might feel a bit better. The exercise thing is so true - i used to run - but hated it, now i go to the stables which is probably just as hard physically, but i enjoy it. Sometimes i really cant be bothered, but im always glad if i do.

ive no idea how i will continue to do it when i start work again. Im trying to cross that bridge as and when....

this thread is full of hugs, and i reckon thats allowed on this board....so plenty coming your way lovely lady. x

Bugsbasset Thu 28-Mar-13 15:03:27

Hi from me to Cairngorm smile ......and all who sail in this ship of comfort and hope .

So agree with the exercise boost for mood . I miss it hugely -used to walk miles.
Not good now with chest trouble and bad back. I waddle and stop often which is hardly power walking is it ? But it does get me out into the fresh air and some colour in my cheeks . And I can check out each birdsong and practice mindfulness. Does nowt for my lardy backside though .
Anyone have tips for gentle Dvd I can use at home ? Cant go to classes .

Thinking of you all this Easter Weekend very much . And hope that a sense of peace and optimism makes it a content one .
A bit of sunshine here today which always gives a bit of oomph to our tired minds . DH is feeling wellish so that lamb joint is going to be a feast for him on Sunday with all the trimmings .

and yes a large bosom down unable to breathe hug from me . x

mamakoukla Thu 28-Mar-13 15:17:32

Hello all and a cheery wave! I have been hibernating in my little mental comfort zone trying to figure out some way forward.

I do think that the beauty of this thread has been the acceptance of people and their situations and that this is what has made the thread such a strong one and appealing. People come and go, chip in or lurk, have little conversations or name check as many as possible. It really is reflective of the many characters on here and I have pro arguments for all approaches (steps down from mini soapbox and hides away).

Egg Ebay order and DD3's birthday party reminder

Yes! I know I need to exercise. I am not overweight but I am (thanks DD) squishy (her won words; she actually likes it as I am soft and snuggly confused). Motivation is nil. I admire all of you who go out for a walk and I keep noting that I too should do that.

Snowy I love that you pop by every so often. Nana do keep dropping by as well.

Helles the Dr talks sense. I think when they realise you are not there, cubs may figure it out. It almost sounds like they are so used to having you there, they can't imagine it otherwise (may I say taking you for granted?).

Hmmm. Lamb Basset. I am getting peckish I think.

mamakoukla Thu 28-Mar-13 15:20:38

Vicar I think your work-related plan sounds reasonable. Give it a fair try if you can do it on your own conditions where you want but always remember that choosing not to is also an option.

DD - boundaries and consequences. I think when we get mentally run down we are less assertive and protective of ourselves and this weakens boundaries because we don't have the mental energy to deal with things as we normally would.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 28-Mar-13 15:26:08

well im sat waiting for occy health to ring me....again. i keep missing their calls and they keep missing mine. I dont think being in limbo is helping much....but the thought of going back is worse.

im slightly embarrassed to say im still level 1 today....i fully intended to get dressed. i actually have started to feel a bit guilty if i dont....

(is this a good sign?? not sure....feel i should be able to enjoy the odd pj day without feeling bad about it....)

i ought to dress and walk the pooch.
will be out tomorrow morning....was going to go to stables in afternoon but back is killing me from yesterday...think i pulled a muscle. might leave it til sunday....

HellesBelles396 Thu 28-Mar-13 17:22:04

thanks for support all. everything cub-related is getting handed over. school is off for a fortnight (though I'm in 4 days)

nina I think everyone should use the thread as suits them - as often or as little as suits. my concerns were that your repeated comments that you didn't want to use the thread any more because there were so many people using it now sounded really unwelcoming and not at all what I expected from you. that's why I mentioned it, in case you hadn't realised how it was coming across.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 28-Mar-13 18:46:09

And of course you didn't mean it that way nina - I would never post on MN if I had to remember who everyone was all the time - I get by with remembering some people some of the time (or being reminded of them by a post). I also have display set to one single page per thread, which makes it slightly easier to scroll back.

I have AS (I think) and have always had similar problems with names and face recognition, since before the dawn of time the internet was invented, so it's not a new problem to me, and one I've become more relaxed about as I have aged matured? mellowed.

Had a wonderful restorative night's sleep last night at aged DF's, and have seen aged DM grin - both fit as fiddles.

Bugsbasset Thu 28-Mar-13 19:34:30

Nina are you away for Easter? Crikey hope Ireland gets some sunshine as all of us need it too wink . Have a family lovely time . Keep posting and let us know how life is with you . I cannot keep up either now despite lovely leather notebook ! Just so good to have so many on the thread as sisters in arms smile . Always one of us to answer a question or give a hug . xxx

Hi everyone, finally made it to the sofa. Quite a full on day. Went to college for painting class which was good but quite stressful. Full on life drawing this morning eg 8 x 2min figure sketches, 2 x 5 min tonal sketches 2 x 10 min line sketches etc. Found it interesting but stressful and then our lovely tutor put on some relaxing classical CD and I welled up! Then in pm was trying to paint a sunset from memory but it was a bit rubbish sad. Was not feeling good when got home so went for a walk, and actually having dinner helped, so have calmed down a bit now.

Hi everyone esp SPC Helles Vicar can't see who else has posted today cos of new page. Hope everyone's survived the day. A brighter morning was nice. Think I'm going to veg on the sofa tonight (for a change!) Kids off now for 2 weeks which I'm a bit daunted by. It's easier on school days as I have 9-3 on my own and can pace myself and not be met by demands all day.

Oh SPC just read you've set yours to display one page per thread - how did you do that?

Bugsbasset Thu 28-Mar-13 19:57:39

Hey Mama "lamb basset" has a certain ring to it . Shove over Nigella wink.
Bung in oven , neck some wine , baste juices over the floor ,trip over dog and burn hand ......ad infinitum for ages .

SPC So pleased you had a lovely time smile

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 28-Mar-13 20:01:11

To be fair, i know where nina is coming from, as a newbie i am a bit confused and feel guilty for not knowing everyone's background.

I have had a good day today, my DD told me she loves me and im her best mum (well lets face it, im the only one she has smile) So for that reason, im glad im still here.

Will take a step back i think, wishing you all well and will lurk for a while xx

Bugsbasset Thu 28-Mar-13 20:19:45

Lucy you dont need to know all our backgrounds at all . Just post and reply when you want to /or chat nonsense like I do.
I truly think this lovely thread started by Vicar is useful to dip in and out of with friends online . No need to name check .
Of course understand how you feel as I did too a while back . Hope you pop back. And oh my you are your daughters best mum ever smile . Hold it close to your heart and believe it with all your strength . Cos simply it is true .

What Bugs said x

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 28-Mar-13 20:36:34

CiQ go to Customise at the v top of any thread or topic list, there you will find lots of ways to make the display look pretty, and you can set message per page to unlimited.

'Tis done! Thanks SPC

Lucy I've just spotted your post on another thread and wanted to say so sorry to hear you've been having such a tough fortnight, and grin at your DD. So please do keep posting - here or another thread and enjoy some support yourself as you're so good at supporting others.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 28-Mar-13 21:27:56

evening all.

lucy would be sad to see you go into lurk mode too - there are no conditions on how to use this thread - truly. Its fine whatever anyone wants to do. i try to namecheck but im useless at it, that said its not ever held against me.

its just a support thread. we are all in same boat.

im feeling very very anxious tonight. Occy health got back to me - they have had an email from HR to ask about my hernia diagnosis. I had declared this in Jan as soon as i knew i had it, and said i would enquire re surgery.

the impression i am getting very strongly is that i am have been too ill for their liking and they would prefer it if i went. Trying so hard not to be paranoid but i am really feeling the pressure now.
My sick note ran out on Tuesday and no one from work has contacted me.

I had compiled a text to send supervision but part of me wants to have the interview for the other job first without worrying about going back to work.

i feel long gone now though. forgotten. sad
im going to end up without a job.

Oh vicar sending {{hugs}} I can so understand why your work situation is getting you down and why you're thinking the way you are. How long is it til your interview? Can you lie low and manage the anxiety til then? I'm really gutted that the police are treating you so poorly. I really believe tho with your strength and insight that in six months time you'll be in a much better place mentally and in terms of work. Hope this doesn't sound too trite. Hang in there tonight x

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 28-Mar-13 21:47:42

thank you colouring i just feel so - lost. its so unfair. i ve never had any time off sick until this. I feel so judged, like im some liability. i feel very strongly that my days are numbered in this line of work.

my interview is not for another 2 weeks.

and of course if they start to look into my sick record i wont get it.
im wondering what the hell ive done. have i made myself unemployable?? - if so ive managed that in the space of 4 months. what a fuck up.

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 28-Mar-13 22:07:07

Quick hi from me.

I want to say that everyone should feel welcome on the thread. I see myself as giving others company. Giving others moral support. Giving each others words of wisdom. A lot of that doesn't need me to namecheck everyone. If I have specific person to direct my comments to I will namecheck so they can pick things out if they are skimming. Oh and I see myself as providing late night entertainment after a few drinks wink.

I get soooo much more from this thread than I give. everyones company is worth so much more to me than everything I feel I can give. Knowing that I'm not the only person that is/was sleeping 14hr+ a day adds so much more comfort to me. makes me feel less abnormal. Hearing others difficulties puts some of mine into perspective, or offer me potential strategies for moving forward. My lists of acheivements I post most days are almost a therapy for me too. Being able to brain dump can be cathartic. Can help me clarify my own thoughts even if nobody reads my drivle. I don't need to be namechecked to gain any of that from the thread.

I realise that we are all different. Some feel that they want to personalise comments. Nothing against that at all. The last thing I want is for this thread to drive people into a feeling of lost. Not sure how to rectify it though...maybe we need another bed so we are not so crowded?!?!?

Anyways...just a quickie...I know how you feel vicar. I was thinking the other day how unemployable I have made myself.

Oh and someone reminded me dd3s party and ebay but they are on previous page so I cant see who. Both are done. So thanks.

I will more than likely be back before bed. Just wanted to add my thoughts and wnvourage others to stay smile

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:22:51

ed
(my mumsnet twin, who makes me feel so much less alone.)

i agree. i like that these threads are helping others as much as helping me.

<holds ed in a vice like embrace and forbids anyone else to bugger off....>

having a bit of an anxious moment as the realisation of what being off sick had done...
how does one come back from that? especially when work dont give a shit....

Bugsbasset Thu 28-Mar-13 22:48:54

You will come back Vicar and Ed . You so are not unemployable . What ?
An illness . horrible life changing illness . But as valid as any other my friends.

I truly do remember feeling the same with all the contact re OCC health etc/managers etc. Every phone call put my recovery back weeks . The lack of interest and the pressure to say those magic words sad....I am coming back

Ill health never seems to be an isolated thing ...other symptoms appear in sympathy and add to the stress. reflux a very well known anxiety one eg.

I would get another sick note Vicar. Nothing has been put in place re phased return for you /support . Hang on and see how the management plan how to help one of theirs officers back . You passed your probation remember x

What helped me deal with the anxiety of work etc was to think actually the ones doing the phoning /e -mailing couldnt give a toss who I was really.
Whether I go back this week or next year . Just cogs in the big wheel . Depersonalising the whole process made it easier to deal with . Hope you get what I mean .I stopped being apologetic.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:59:59

thank you bugs

i got another sick note - for 4 weeks but the gp urged me to push strongly for the case conference so that i have something in place for when this one runs out.

they just arent bothered. Im torn between not contacting them and seeing how long it takes them to get back to me (never?? just fade away??) and phoning sgt asap to ask about case conference....but part of me never wants to walk back into that station.

this limbo feels horrible.

NanaNina Fri 29-Mar-13 01:42:45

I have just dropped by to see if Snowymouse was about, and came across your comments HB - I'm sorry you think I am being unpleasant and I know I have said once before I was leaving the thread and realised I shouldn't have said that some weeks ago. However this time I tried really carefully to word my post so that no one would think badly of me, so I am upset that you thought this, but please believe me that my main reason was because there were other threads that weren't getting much attention, and as this one was so supportive, I was trying to respond to MNs who weren't getting much response if that makes any sense. In fact Cairngorms was one of he people I was supporting on another thread, and she was found her way over to this one, and I told her it was a lovely thread.

Thank you to others who have kind words for me, and just skimming back through the thread I think you have been having a really hard time HB so maybe this has something to do with your view of me.

I will take up the offer of popping by from time to time!

Snowymouse where for art though Snowymouse Are you OK (ish) x

HellesBelles396 Fri 29-Mar-13 06:18:00

no nina it doesn't and I wouldn't have mentioned it if I thought for one second you meant to or didn't care about coming across that way. it was an opinion of what was being said rather than an opinion of you. just don't forget us while you're off on your missionary work wink

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 29-Mar-13 08:05:48

Am still here <lurk> hope everyone is feeling ok today, I'm feeling more stable, maybe the meds are working (i think it is because DP has some subbie work and i can put the worry of when the next job is coming in on hold).

I hope everyone has a Good Friday x

Cairngorms Fri 29-Mar-13 08:50:31

Good morning.
I'm glad the meds seem to be working for you, lcyelllensmum95, and that DP has some work.
I am exhausted, and not sure how to find the energy to do what i need to today.

Best wishes all! x

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 29-Mar-13 10:39:49

Hang in there Cairn - im in week three of meds now and am only really just starting to feel the fog lift (saying that have just crashed on the sofa for the past hour hmm). The side effects will subside.

My bloody mother is winding me up again - trying to ignore <failing> I do have some diazepam left, just as well hmm

Unfortunatelyanxious Fri 29-Mar-13 14:24:40

Bugs your very wise regarding how work being in contact can make us feel. Sorry your feeling that way Vicar I feel exactly the same after a decent work record of 25 years I feel as if I have screwed myself over, we must have gone off sick about the same time. We could survive on DH wages but I have never been a SAHM and am used to that bit of independence.

Has Snowy updated at all? Guessing she is still in hospital.

After my good news about my Dad being out of hospital he has been rushed back in. He has been made comfortable.

Also one of the men that attends the day centre I go to has been admitted, which upset me. He had become completely paranoid though and really was a danger to himself.

Love and hot cross buns to all (x)

Hi everyone, thinking of you all. Special thoughts to everyone who's off sick from work as I know from DHs experience that adds another layer of stress. Great advice from Ed and Bugs.

I just wondered if anyone could share what difference they felt their ADs have made - I guess specifically what changed when they started to kick in? I have a Docs appt next Tue to review mine. I'll have been on Fluoxetine for about 7 weeks, on 40mg for the last week (and Trazodone for the last three weeks). Over the last two weeks I've been pacing myself better, not doing the morn school run, taking a rest after lunch, and I think on the whole have been a little bit better (eg am able to argue against suidcidal thoughts) but not very much and I'm struggling to know how much/what's changed and why. (yes am prob over-analysing). The brightness the last couple of days has also helped to shift the fog a bit (element of SAD?) Feel very self-absorbed and struggling to work out how much to force myself to do as have v little motivation esp re: household stuff which feels soooo boring (but not sure I was partic enthusiastic before depression wink. Any thoughts much appreciated x.

P.S. UA Really hope your dad picks up soon x

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 29-Mar-13 17:30:55

evening all.

Thanks UA - i also wish i could just say once and for all that im going to leave without the pressure of finances - but i cant. I have a horrible feeling that im going to be disciplined.

i am so so sorry to read about your dad being back in hospital - i hope he is out again very soon.
Also sorry about the chap at the day centre and that its upset you - im sure he is in the right place now.

i have been out today with DD, had lunch out with her which was lovely and feels like i am seeing glimpses of my lovely dd before she became "kevin the teenager"...

hope you all have a lovely restful easter weekend.

HellesBelles396 Fri 29-Mar-13 18:28:17

I think my ad's took the edge off. When I first started on them, I got my emotions back. Of course, that led to my nervous breakdown!

CBT and daily exercise made the biggest difference.

Thanks Helles sorry to hear you've had such a tough time. I have been wondering about CBT. Am currently having psycho dynamic counselling which has been helpful in learning more about myself. But doesn't help at all with perpetual negative/paranoid thinking hmm

HellesBelles396 Fri 29-Mar-13 19:30:01

that's what cbt really helped me with. I even realised that, in her own weird way, my mum does love me. I started to be able to cope with busy places and speaking in public.

I'm told it would probably do me good to look at my past but I'm more of a going forward person plus nothing hideous has ever happened to me. not like a lot of people who have had serious trauma which has triggered depression.

HellesBelles396 Fri 29-Mar-13 19:31:35

ps ciq that was during my last depressive episode about five years ago. I was fine again til this last autumn and am now due more therapy sad

ThatVikRinA22 Fri 29-Mar-13 23:27:47

am waiting for cbt.

think ive really dropped a bollock re work.
text supervision and had no answer what so ever. sick note ran out last tues.
they dont want me back do they....

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 30-Mar-13 00:50:51

Did someone steal my day...I don't know where it went.

Feeling very guilty that I'm not keeping up...can't wait till dcs are at their dads next week and I can do some proper catching up.

Meanwhile...tonight is THE sleepover...I'm hoping no news is good news...

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 30-Mar-13 00:57:03

oh good luck with that egg....hope she is fine. im sure she will be. just be on standby....

i feel like a rambling idiot. work is taking up all of my thoughts. i text sgt tonight. nothing. nothing back at all.
i am now stuck. completely and utterly.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 30-Mar-13 00:59:41

Oh yes.. standby. Must remember to leave my mobile on durrr....

Can you do anything to move things forward at this moment in time vicar?

I suspect the amswer is no...so stop ruminating about it at 1am (I sound strangely likey therapust did at the last meeting....)

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 30-Mar-13 01:03:10

i know.
but its always at 1am that my brain starts to work. and they are on nights. so actually......

fri and sat nights. if i hear nothing my sunday morning i will be really really paranoid.....

HellesBelles396 Sat 30-Mar-13 06:55:29

egg any news re sleepover?

vicar would it be up to our sergeant to arrange or would someone from human resources be in charge? I ask because, although my manager was the one who contacted me about my own return to work, everything was monitored by hr because there are so many pitfalls when managing long term sickness.

ThatVikRinA22 Sat 30-Mar-13 12:11:25

morning.

im ok this morning - i have had some very helpful replies from serving officers, and have told me to just sit on my sick note and wait for them to contact me.

so im going to enjoy easter. and forget work, for now. I have a telephone appt booked with Occupational Health next week. Half my problem is that i fuss and worry...i need to find a way to stop.

How was the sleepover egg? hoping she had a lovely time.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 30-Mar-13 14:27:43

Morning. Have had a good few days which explains my absence from thread (too busy to sit and mn).

Back down to earth with a bump today. I've had a letter from uni saying they are concerned about my welfare because I've avoided contact. Need to contact them.

Sleepover seems to have gone ok. All home now. She's very stroppy tho...2 sleepovers in a row don't have a good effect on her mood....

HellesBelles396 Sat 30-Mar-13 16:08:13

gah! need to het ready for night out with girls (under threats of death if I cancel) then am due to get up in 12 and a half hours for dawn service. grrrrrrrr! I want to go to bed then watch doctor who and the voice then go back to bed all the while scoffing hot cross buns and drinking gallons of tea. instead I have to go up and wash my hair, shave my legs, polish my nails, do make-up (yuck), and all that crap.

rant over. hope all is well.

EggwiniasRevenge Sat 30-Mar-13 17:01:13

But think of all those bonus points...shave...nails....make up...dress at a guess (inferred from shaved legs).

I'm in bed as I just couldn't tolerate the pain in my neck. It had been getting loads better. I've done quite a bit of dual carriageway, motorway driving and parking today. Think the checking of blind spots so frequently has done me in.

But now I'm here I can barely keep my eyes open.

The other thing that has ruined my day. Dd3 has cut a hole in her socks (not a major issue) and good new jeans. When asked why the only answer I could give was that she was bored. I was in bed at the time letting her be bored. So now I feel like a shite mummy sad

Unfortunatelyanxious Sat 30-Mar-13 17:41:49

Just saying hello, my Dad is stable at the minute which is good.

* Vicar* I so want to leave work, my problems are mainly due to abusive younger life but working life has contributed. We could manage without my wage but it would radically change things.

My friends Mum had MH issues and her DH didn't want her to work. Mine thinks its good for me. He is a striver, I have turned down promotion more than once due to the state of my head. I could have been a contender and all that.

Love to everyone and on a high note I made some rather delicious flapjacks yesterday so sending them virtually.

MillyMollyMandy78 Sat 30-Mar-13 19:59:49

Hi, can I join you guys? I am currently on ADs which seem to be helping tho it's only been a couple of weeks. Have a history of depression which comes and goes, which i struggle to get a handle on. Otherwise i have a lovely life, if i could only sort my head out ....
I know a couple of you from previous posts: Hi colouringinQueen - I do find CBT helps with negative/ paranoid thoughts, but its a work in progress!
UA - I hopped over from the other post to see how u were. The flapjacks sound yummy! Glad your dad is doing better. My dad thinks work would make my mum's MH worse, and i guess everyone is different, but i personally feel that work makes me much better than if i was at home all the time. However, i do only work part time and it is a pretty stressfree job, so it is easy for me to say!
Hi to everyone else - hope I'll get to know you a bit more!

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 30-Mar-13 20:27:56

Hi Milly - I'm pretty new here too - been on ADs about two weeks (this time blush) and coming to terms with the fact that they might be a lifelong thing for me.

I know what you mean about working but again, for me, it was work that tipped me over the edge, but now im climbing the walls - life is never simple is it.

Happy Easter everyone!

HellesBelles396 Sat 30-Mar-13 21:50:00

bonus points required for:
blow dried hair
wore make-up
wore tights, heels and a frock

minus points:
already home in bed - felt ill AMD due to get up in under 7 hours.

Hi Milly nice to hear from you! Glad you're finding work helpful. I think it can be if its not too stressful. I stopped work last July and do miss it - particularly a lovely team I'd been with for 10 years... thanks for info on CBT - I am wondering whether to stick with the psycho-dynamic counselling for a little bit longer and then switch...
UA so pleased to hear your dad is stable, and picturing your lovely flapjacks smile
Helles congrats on getting all that done and going out. Hope you're feeling better in the morning.
Egg sounds like your teenager is just following the job description, but can understand why you feel bad {hug}
Vicar glad you've had some helpful advice from other offices. It sounds like a good plan to focus on the Easter weekend. Do you have any tactics for stopping unwanted thoughts eg re: Occ health? I read somewhere about wearing an elastic band on your wrist and pinging it when you have a thought you don't want? (sounds painful!)

Wishing everyone a happy and peaceful Easter. With love.

MillyMollyMandy78 Sun 31-Mar-13 02:33:58

Happy Easter everybody!
Lucy I too am coming round to the idea that ADs will probably be a longterm thing, though if they help us, then it is worth it!
CinQ I personally found CBT was more useful for me, but everyone is different. If the psycho-dynamic is working then why not carry on with it!
Helles Well done on getting yourself spruced up - perfectly reasonable time to be tucked up in bed if you ask me!

EggwiniasRevenge Sun 31-Mar-13 02:56:00

Hi all.

Welcome newcomers.

I'm shattered. Haven't had a daytime sleep for days.

My neck/shoulder is absolute agony. I'm on a definite downhill slope. My house is a tip. Largely because of neck/shoulder + holidays = lots of extra mess and no-one to tidy it. I've just gone to play easter bunny and found that I have mice and a few less eggs sad.

Thing is I knew there were mice a couple of weeks ago and I've done nothing about it so I've no one to blame but myself.

I've hidden all the eggs half heartedly. I almost couldn't be bothered.

Oh well. Its done now. Thd clock says ridiculous o'clock....but at least it is now right (I havent changed some of them from autumn blush.

Dd3 is away at sleepover tonight so I get an undisturbed lay in...

Sorry I'm back with a bit of a bang and winge.

HellesBelles396 Sun 31-Mar-13 05:34:48

I'm awake - just need to get ds up now and dawn service here we come.

I need tea!

Unfortunatelyanxious Sun 31-Mar-13 11:33:24

Happy Easter to everyone, DS bought me an Easter egg out of some of his birthday money.

Glad Milly found us and thanks to everyone for messages about my Dad.

Happy Easter everyone.
Egg neck + mice = pants. Not an easy day - hang in there - look forward to that lie - in. Hope you have some chocolate to scoff enjoy too. Take care.

Hi Milly, Helles, UA lovely to hear about your DS smile Wow Helles a dawn service - v impressive. We made it to 10o'clock mass... Hope it was a good one for you.

Thinking of you all x.

EggwiniasRevenge Sun 31-Mar-13 15:49:00

Afternoon.

Having a bad day.

Didn't get out of bed till 12.30

I've managed to put dw on.

Dcs are moaning they are bored cos I won't take them anywhere.
Bored dcs become whiney and argumentative.

I have now retreated back to bed with painkillers and a hot wheat pack. Flat on my back is the only position im comfortable. as soon as i lay down i want to sleep.

Weak and feeble wave.

Bugsbasset Sun 31-Mar-13 17:10:34

Easter Greetings to all you lovely folk grin. Got lamb basset in the oven.

ED you have been doing so much recently ...brilliantly . Neck pain is horrible and you are doing all the right things . I get the same and it always seems to take longer than you think to go . But it will . Look at your pillows and never let your hairdresser wash your hair backwards my doc told me . Glad your daughter enjoyed her sleepover with no bullying . You deserve your nap today x

UA hope your dad is comfy and recovering . Lovely you got egg from your DS . And thank you for flapjack .....delicious . Agree re work and how it makes us feel . You write lovely posts ....so empathetic x

CQ Been doing sun dance for you for your Lakeland break wink huh as if that will work . It will as we know be beautiful regardless and I hope that the place works its magic on your tired BUT not defeated soul . Paint and sketch your recovery . Can the children join in and paint stones you find on the lakeshores ? Mine always adored skimming stones. Tired the dog out too trying to retrieve em .

Milly lovely to meet you . The work dilemna is such a difficult decision isnt it ? Hope you are having a good weekend ..a peaceful one that you enjoy .

Vicar Really pleased to read that other serving officers have given you very good advice re work . You have done all you can . Wait now for that lumbering ancient machine called Human Resources to call you . Dont feel bad or responsible anymore . They must come up with a practical plan for your return to work as their duty of care . You have been badly let down actually and could put in a complaint . Disengage your emotions if you can . Hard I know when you have put your all emotional and physical energy into your work . Took me a long time to realise this Vicar . You are a good cop and passed probation with good reviews . The system failed you. Not you. The System angry I learned eventually. Tick box culture and sadly true.
Hold your head up high as the good police woman you are / disengage your emotional input if you can/ speak your truth as you would anyway xx
The machine of large public organisations make us just numbers . So anything sent to you do not take personal .
Thinking of you a lot flowers and good luck with the interview .

Right time to baste the lamb and dive into the freezer .

Hope Snowy and SPC ........lovelyLucy .....are peaceful and enjoying the Easter break . OH and Cairngorm lovely name and place x

Nina I think you may be away in Ireland ? Please call in here when you can wont you ? Love your posts .

Mama you ok ? Hope you are having nice weather and feeling better .

Off to baste the lamb yet again . My OH is looking forward and that is very nice but pressure yikes

Bugsbasset Sun 31-Mar-13 17:13:31

Easter Greetings to all you lovely folk grin. Got lamb basset in the oven.

ED you have been doing so much recently ...brilliantly . Neck pain is horrible and you are doing all the right things . I get the same and it always seems to take longer than you think to go . But it will . Look at your pillows and never let your hairdresser wash your hair backwards my doc told me . Glad your daughter enjoyed her sleepover with no bullying . You deserve your nap today x

UA hope your dad is comfy and recovering . Lovely you got egg from your DS . And thank you for flapjack .....delicious . Agree re work and how it makes us feel . You write lovely posts ....so empathetic x

CQ Been doing sun dance for you for your Lakeland break wink huh as if that will work . It will as we know be beautiful regardless and I hope that the place works its magic on your tired BUT not defeated soul . Paint and sketch your recovery . Can the children join in and paint stones you find on the lakeshores ? Mine always adored skimming stones. Tired the dog out too trying to retrieve em .

Milly lovely to meet you . The work dilemna is such a difficult decision isnt it ? Hope you are having a good weekend ..a peaceful one that you enjoy .

Vicar Really pleased to read that other serving officers have given you very good advice re work . You have done all you can . Wait now for that lumbering ancient machine called Human Resources to call you . Dont feel bad or responsible anymore . They must come up with a practical plan for your return to work as their duty of care . You have been badly let down actually and could put in a complaint . Disengage your emotions if you can . Hard I know when you have put your all emotional and physical energy into your work . Took me a long time to realise this Vicar . You are a good cop and passed probation with good reviews . The system failed you. Not you. The System angry I learned eventually. Tick box culture and sadly true.
Hold your head up high as the good police woman you are / disengage your emotional input if you can/ speak your truth as you would anyway xx
The machine of large public organisations make us just numbers . So anything sent to you do not take personal .
Thinking of you a lot flowers and good luck with the interview .

Right time to baste the lamb and dive into the freezer .

Hope Snowy and SPC ........lovelyLucy .....are peaceful and enjoying the Easter break . OH and Cairngorm lovely name and place x

Nina I think you may be away in Ireland ? Please call in here when you can wont you ? Love your posts .

Mama you ok ? Hope you are having nice weather and feeling better .

Off to baste the lamb yet again . My OH is looking forward and that is very nice but pressure yikes

Thanks Bugs you're right the Lakes will look beautiful with snow-capped tops smile. Savour every moment of your lovely lamb x

Bugsbasset Sun 31-Mar-13 17:44:55

Daft i know but will you say Hello to those snow topped peaks for me CQ ?
Have not been for so long . Seriously blush Ta x

My pleasure grin x

Bugsbasset Sun 31-Mar-13 19:12:56

Oops double post sorry

MillyMollyMandy78 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:27:17

Just popped on here quickly tonight. I have read all your posts today but i hope u will forgive me for not taking the time to reply - I would never do this normally & don't mean to be rude but it has been an awful 24 hours. I posted some of what went on in Chat for those that are interested, but basically problems with my mum's mental health has excalated very rapidly and driving up there in the morning to offer support (3 1/2 hour drive). My dad usually tries to kid himself that everythings fine, but the last couple of weeks he has deteriorated and we are all very worried about him. Every time i speak to him he can barely get more than a couple of words out before crying hysterically and has been without sleep for 5 days because of my mums health. It is not like him at all to be so emotional or fragile at all. He needs help but everyone seems powerless to help us... Tried crisis team but their hands are tied & her community psych team can't do anything till tuesday cos of bank holiday... Anyway I will be out of the loop for a little while - depending on what happens - but i wish you all a good few days, and for those who have had a rubbish day today, hope tomorrow is better x

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 31-Mar-13 23:37:27

a quick check in - and a "hello" to milly - sorry you are having such a trial at the min - hope your mum is ok.

not got much to say today so will keep it short.

hugs to all. x

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 01-Apr-13 01:04:05

Rubbish day here.

Level 1.5 all day.

Lots of time resting in bed but no sleeping. I can even crochet laying down now grin.

Did a load through the dishwasher. And a manual wash up.
Supervised dtds make tea including a delicious hot cross bun and marmalade pudding.

But haven't really done anything myself sad

Waves to everyone. Haven't been around mn properly for a few days so not sure what's going on with everyone. Waves though.

Night all.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 01-Apr-13 01:06:55

not great here either egg

spent most of day at a level 1
only went to level 3 in order to hang out washing.....

have eaten too much chocolate
and drunk too much red wine

no word at all from work.
similarly not been here much as DD has had laptop most of time....

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 01-Apr-13 01:15:42

Well I could have predicted you didn't have a great day if I didn't wink.

I have no plans for tomorrow so I'm expecting more of the same.

Hoping xp will take dds tomorrow. They are going stir crazy with boredom. It's tge holidays and expect me to be doing stuff with them. But I can't. If im standing for more than an hour or so my neck/shoulder is burning with pain.

I can sit quite comfortably on the sofa as it is tge perfect height for me to rest my head back. Yhe only position which is properly comfortable is flat on my back.

Painkillers aren't really helping. Just hoping rest will work.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 01-Apr-13 01:19:27

weirdly i have hurt my back.....did it last weds at the stables mucking out. So im a bit stuck in too....should have gone riding today but darent....back is killing.

Am taking it easy and not feeling bad about it.

hope your neck is better soon. im on the old diclofenac....try it for your neck.

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 01-Apr-13 01:24:22

Can you get diclofenac otc?

I'm really thirsty too but can't be bothered to get out of bed and get a drink.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 01-Apr-13 01:27:04

i didnt, but if you speak to a gp over the phone they would probably prescribe them for you....

or get voltarol gel....its dicofenac in a tube.

right. best try to get some shut eye....another day busy doing nothing tomorrow.

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 01-Apr-13 01:30:58

I might have some in the tin ftom an old injury. I will have to look.

I musy sleep too...if not dd3 will have eaten all her eggs for breakfast by the time I get up.

Plus dtds were still rattling round their bedroom at 00.30. I'm determined to drag them out of bed by 10am...which means I will have to be up.

Night night all. Sleep tight.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 01-Apr-13 09:28:04

Well am having a ball but not sleeping particularly well, nor are naps feasible now I'm in London not Ireland. I'll need to do some catching up when I get back home later this week.

This state has exacerbated my ADD - am contantly looking for things I have misplaced. I find them eventually - or, in the case of my nighty, realise that have left it at my cousin's place - but it's all the time now - if it's not my glasses it's my cigs, last night I got my pj's out of my suitcase and immediately couldn't find them.

Will respond to others when I am less zombie-like. Hugs to all.

Hi Milly, Vicar, Egg sorry to hear you're having a tough time at the moment. Milly I really hope your visit to your parents goes OK and you can at least provide some comfort to your dad. Thinking of you all. SPC hope you can find your phone/laptop and keep posting wink I always think that sort of thing is worse when you're out of your usual home environment. Hope you have a good time in London.

I'm attempting to get out the house shortly to do a NT Easter Egg hunt thing with DH and DCs (but its freezing out there!)

Take care everyone x

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 01-Apr-13 11:56:01

Morning.

Im determined not to overdo it today.

A day flat on my back is in order I think...if the dcs will let me.

<vain attempt to justify a pj and bed day...>

EggwiniasRevenge Mon 01-Apr-13 17:02:28

I'm still flat on my back.

But I am doing craft with dd3 hmm

I have visions of being stuck in bed forever...literally grin

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 01-Apr-13 20:51:12

i typed a post earlier on the mobile and then lost it....

just nipping in. Slow day for me....level 1 all day.

hope everyone else is ok - back any better for taking it easy egg?

EggwiniasRevenge Tue 02-Apr-13 01:35:48

Thats a pain.

I am much more comfortable thanks. Ive spent the vast majority of the day laying down. Mostly in bed but on the sofa now hmm.

I have nitty gritty'd dd3.

I spent a couple of hours up and about. Cooked tea. Cleared up after. I've no dishwasher tabs so I washed up by hand. I actually kind of enjoyed it. I wiped round with a wet dishcloth because I had it in my hand. (I do normally spray and wipe...but I don't know I was just more enthusiastic about it).

It also means I will wake up to a nice tidy kitchen.

Dtds have put a couple of loads of washing on. I have a huge pile of dry washing to put away.

By tge time I had done all that I was quite sore.

Have done quite a bit of crochet flat on my back.

I also did some crafts in bed with dd3 earlier.

So...considering I have had such a lazy day I have actually acheived quite a lot....including no dayte sleep!

Hope everyone else has been quiet because they've had a relaxing and enjoyable bank holiday.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 02-Apr-13 01:38:36

Lasted till now, but almost lost it with my beloved P's tonight. Regaining equilibrium by MNetting. I always forget that, love them though I do, tis very draining dealing with their particular models of the world - am now convinced both P's and me have AS, which means concentrating very hard as misunderstanding between all of us arise all the time <sigh> I always need at least one day in bed after I've visited them or one of them has visited me confused

also starting to feedl claustrophic in London suburbs, homesick, and am missing DCat and someone else (who will still be away when I get back)

HellesBelles396 Tue 02-Apr-13 06:20:09

grin at egg's nice tidy kitchen

EggwiniasRevenge Tue 02-Apr-13 11:19:12

Oops...ive only just woken up.

Poor dd3 has been entertaining herself for 2+hrs sad

And my neck still hurts sad

Maybe I should go to bed before 3am tonight grin

SnowyMouse Tue 02-Apr-13 16:39:02

Hi all. Sending you all good wishes.

Lucyellensmum95 Tue 02-Apr-13 16:49:39

Bleuuugghhh day today, my nerves are shot to fuck again (no apparent reason) Have taken a diazepam which is at least helping me cope with the recorder practice!!! Just really feel for DD as she is so bored and today i texted some school mums (i wont call them friends because they clearly don't include me in that subheading) to see if they wanted to meet at swingpark but they had already made arrangements to do stuff (together and hadn't asked us) so poor DD just ended up traipsing around the town while my mother did her shopping and i carried the bags - how did my life get this way?

How was your Easters? Mine was OK but would have been much better if the weather better

Hi everyone,
sorry to hear people are having a tough time, poor Egg really hope your neck starts improving soon.
Hi snowy thanks for dropping in.
SPC sounds hard re: parents, hope you manage to survive the 'burbs a few more days - when are you home?
Lucy feeling for you - know exactly what you mean about other school mums making plans without you hmm I think diazepam would be useful for recorder practice at the best of times. Hang in there.

I've had a tough day today. Longstanding arrangement to meet BIL, SIL, cousins at a farm park type place. Did OK til about 2... Home 6.30, now knackered with splitting headache. Tomorrow I need to co-ordinate (at very least) packing for 10 days away. Based on today am feeling pretty apprehensive about holiday! Good grief this is all feeling a bit endless at the mo.

Lucy I know what you mean about your nerves - where does it come from? All through yesterday my anxiety kept building and nearly had panic attack in eve if it hadn't been for yoga breathing... couldn't get to sleep last night so tiredness hasnt helped today.

Take care everyone x

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 03-Apr-13 00:40:45

Evening all. Waves at snowy lucy and everyone else.

Dull day for me.

Didn't wake until 11am. I've no idea how long dd3 had been up entertainung herself.
Dtd2s school ipad had locked out. Spent lot of time hunched over my laptop goigling solutions...so you've guessed it I'm suffering again.

Dds have been bored out of their minds. Very neglected as far as entertaining is concerned (they are fully fed, watered clothed etc.).

House is a tip. 'Friend' has invited strangers in my home tomorrow evening so need to tidy. Need to buy some decent food and supplies cos tge freezer is running empty.

I know what you mean about feeling nervy. I am definitely worse a day or 2 after missing my meds. But do you know what I've only just realised my permanent low level tremor has just about disappeared smile I definitely have worse days though.

I wonder where vicar is...she hasn't asked permission to go awol hmm

Right...best get some sleep

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:58:28

im here egg

not managing to keep up very well with thread at min so apologies to everyone.

im feeling horribly anxious. nothing very useful to say so not posted. Have had too many level 1 days and now cant snap out of it.....must get up early in morning to phone occy health (oh the joy....cant wait sad)

DD has been taking the lap top so not managed to keep up terribly well....im still here, but at odd times.

i cant remember if im meant to be phoning occy health at 7.45 or 8.45....

no one has been in touch at all. its bothering me. feels like something big has happened - but im not in the loop. i think decisions have been made that im not privy to.

i need to do several things that i havent the energy to do.....

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 03-Apr-13 01:02:15

Hugs vicar.

I'm not keeping up brilliantly either. But today seems to have been a slow day.

I think I'm on my 3rd level 1.5day. Need to shower and dress tomirrow though.

So what do you need to do? Maybe we can motivate you?

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 03-Apr-13 01:30:42

i need to pay my credit card which i am late with
i need to pay my next account which i am late with
i need to phone O2 and get a sim only deal (at min i am paying for 600 mins that i never ever use)
i need to phone the police federation and arrange for someone to attend case conference with me
i need to wash my suit and find a decent top to wear for interview next week
i need to attempt to look at what this job interview might entail.

tomorrow i need to get up early and phone occupational health.

none of which i can be arsed with.
then im at dentist tomorrow.

i have bizarrely managed to find the motivation to use self tan....confused

i also need to find some stuff that ive lost that belonged to my dsis....nothing major. but is bugging me.

i feel a bit detached from reality again....feel odd.
best get to bed. not managing to get up very well at min - and late nights are probably why.
that and the coffee....

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 03-Apr-13 01:42:40

Oh vicar. I didn't need to read to the end to sense that you are feeling detatched.

Make it an objective to have ticked 2 things off before you go to the dentist.

While you out at the dentist head into the nearest o2 shop and sort it face to face. Bizarrely despite my poor social interaction at the mo I do find these things easier....or at least I feel more comitment to do them face to face.

Hoping its just a blip. Hoping its a very short blip.

More huge hugs coming your way.

Night all.

I'm here, finally. Been posting a while on this board but not found this thread before.

Have changed meds & don't really even know how I feel. I feel like I've swapped despair for misery/numbness & can't decide if that's a change for the better or not. Luckily I'm seeing my GP today. Not been sleeping well either.

I'm really impatient with my 3yo & know he deserves better. Sometimes my 6mo is grinning & cooing at me & I just feel bored, or nothing at all. I hate it. I feel like a terrible mother. I just want to run away.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 03-Apr-13 10:23:34

morning....

now im really confused.....mrshelsbels74 hi! - just confirm that you are a different poster to the other hellesbelles396 because my head is fuzzy and im confused....it doesnt take much these days. (Im sorry to read that you are suffering. Good luck at GP.)

i rang OH.
im going to go get in shower in a min - i knew there was method to the madness of using self tan....means i have to shower or look very silly

need to phone DS - looks like him and his girlfriend have split up. She has sent a parcel to my address returning xmas presents/valentines and cards....

thanks for the hugs egg....appreciated.

I wish i knew what to think about work....i could do to go back to test the water and see if its the job or me, want to get case conference over with as the thought of that looming is making me anxious.

just need to get interview over with on monday. that might give me a bit better focus.

right. best hit the shower....

will tackle the other things on my list later.

hope everyone else is ok....

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 03-Apr-13 10:34:48

Posting just to say hi and to give vicar a special hug. Clothes at Level 3 ready to travel home later today, number of brain cells currently activated = approx. 10 - complete zombie state, but journey is by train so this shouldn't be too much of a problem...

Yes I'm only me, I know nothing of the other HellsBelles (I thought I was the only one confused)

EggwiniasRevenge Wed 03-Apr-13 11:09:18

Yay we have a hels who doesn't drag us out of bed grin

Morning all. Still in bed but I have been taxing dd3s brain cells with some times tables challenges.

Well done vicar for doing occy health. Big hurdle out of the way smile.
Well done silvery I'm sure you'll feel much more coherent when you get back to your own turf.

Back down to earth with a bump. Normally pay my credit card off in full...but I haven't for the last few months...the balance is a bit of a shocker...

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 03-Apr-13 11:19:04

<contemplates name change> 'I'm Spartacus Hel(le)sBel(le)s' - 'No. I'm Hel(le)sBel(le)s' - 'No. I'm Hel(le)sBel(le)s' ...

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:30:18

Hello everyone xxxx
Vicar - well done for making that phone call. I hope that you get some resolution soon. That is one hurdle out of the way.

I'm fretting about money again - i thought i would feel better with it being the easter holidays as the pressure would be off for finding a job as DD is home but im so paranoid about spending any money that I can't seem to do anything with her. I had to buy electric this morning and spent £8 in iceland on teabags, biscuits and some soup hmm I felt sick when i handed the money over and wanted to put everything back - it comes to something when you fret over buying a packet of chocolate biscuitss confused We are not even that broke (well by our standards!)

I think i am on about level 1 really. DD wants lazy day today which i welcome. I need a bath and my hair is greasy, i had to go to the shops and quite frankly i look like scary mary - i also need to dye it, i have 2" roots so my hair looks greasy even when its clean. I want to dye it a darker colour so the roots not so prominant but its gone that horrid brassy orange colour (ugghh) so if i dye it light brown it will just go orange im sure - feck.

Colouringinqueen - i totally get the anxiety building during the day thing, usually by about 6 I am like a coiled spring. Although I have already shouted at DD today sad Where are you going on holiday? Am envy but i know what you mean about the fretting, i find it so stressful - last year Insisted we leave at 4am for a 2 hours journey to catch the IOW ferry at 2pm!!! I kid you not - i made the mistake of booking the holiday on the weekend of the IOW festival and all the delays etc, fried my head. I also never believe im going until we actually go - we are not going on holiday this year i dont think and i almost feel better for that hmm Once I am there though, its great.

Hiya MrsHels - Sorry you are having a crap time. You are not a crap mum - you know it sometimes feels like the law that we are filled with joy and love when we look at our kids, but they are exhausting, demanding little packages sometimes and it can feel thankless can't it.

HellesBelles396 Wed 03-Apr-13 11:58:40

I've managed one gym session and half an hour of Pilates since being ordered to exercise - boo hiss! but will gym it this afternoon (after my mcD's)

v exciting to have an almostname-twin! who, I am sure, is a much better mum than she thinks - my experience is that hose who think of themselves as good mums tend no to be. so the converse must be true.

vicar just tick off a few at a time. it might be worth prioritising their urgency.

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 03-Apr-13 12:52:59

I totally agree Hellesbelles - I see it so many times when mums are struggling and describe themselves as shit mothers, they are usually the best ones because they give a shit!

Hi everyone, MrsHels glad you found your way here, Helles really hoping you're right about the mother thing - I am feeling bad today cos my daughter wants to "help me pack to make me happy cos I look very grumpy" sad. I now have a sore eye too!
Thanks Lucy am smile re: yr 4am start, but then IoW festival - I'd probably have gone down the night before wink
Trying to finish holiday list and delegate achievable things to DD so I don't loose it with her. We're supposed to be leaving tomorrow at 11 hmm
Vicar well done for phone call, fake tan and shower, hope you have a better afternoon.
Hello to SPC and Egg.
Off to Excel spreadsheetland.... x

Lucyellensmum95 Wed 03-Apr-13 14:54:43

We got there at 7.30am blush Enjoy your holiday x

MillyMollyMandy78 Wed 03-Apr-13 18:52:26

Just popped back on here to say hi! Got back from my parents yesterday. Last few days things just kept deteriorating with my mum, and she was sectioned last night under the Mental Health Act. Tbh it comes as a relief in some ways, as was much needed and this way pressure is taken off my dad. We were all so worried about him. Anyway will get back to normality over next few days and catch up with this thread before checking in properly with you all. Hope you all had a nice few days x

Hi Milly, sorry to hear your mum's been so poorly, but sounds like the best decision for all the family. How are you doing after such a demanding few days - OK I hope. Brain full here, am going to watch some mindless TV...
take care all x

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:03

evening everyone.

milly sorry to read that about your mum, i hope she starts to feel better soon.

a <wave> to everyone else.

im feeling so deflated tonight. sad
reality is setting in, i called O health but didnt feel reassured.
So i rang my "union" rep. Its at this point ive realised what ive done.

Sounds like the case conference could be in order to slap me with the unsatisfactory attendance procedures.....i could be wrong but it could be a numbers game.

i am really worried. I hope so much i get somewhere with the interview next week.
I dont have a disability in terms of the equality act. Any disability would need to be decided at employment tribunal which im just not willing to go through. id rather leave.

i think i am going to be disciplined on account of the time i have had off.
this will leave me in a difficult position if i get anything that could aggravate the reflux (with every cold i end up with a chest infection without fail) and means unless i can be office bound whilst ill to protect my sickness record i could be in real trouble.

i dont think im coming back from this absence.

Hi Vicar really sorry to hear about your work situation. Did you speak to your union re: the Disability/equality act/attendance procedure thing? Does this unsatisfactory attendance procedure kick in after you've been off sick for a certain time period? (Even if with Doc sick notes? Sorry if this isn't helpful. I'm really cross on your behalf! If you want to at least voice your position at this stage (completely understand why you wouldn't want to go down the employment tribunal route) is that something your union rep could help with?
Feeling like an outraged from Tunbridge Wells type woman.

Whilst you may be feeling deflated tonight, try and keep in your head how much your threads here have helped lots of people - like me. On top of the posters I'm willing to bet there's a lot of lurkers, and reading about you and the earlier thread members has been extremely helpful in many ways. Mutual non-judgemental support really does show there are a lot of good-hearted people out there. Take care x

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 03-Apr-13 23:14:20

thank you colouring

that means a lot to me actually.

i did speak to fed rep. nothing i have (hernia or depression) counts as a disability unless ive had it for 12 months. Anything now would need to be decided by an employment tribunal (a road i aint going down)

rep is going to try and have a word with my management and find out whats going on. i feel i could be being stitched up here. i feel so completely paranoid i almost feel bonkers saying these things, but i cant help what i feel.

yes the standard procedure is kicks in if off for a certain amount of time. i am wishing so much i hadnt gone off sick. I feel ive just made life so much more difficult for myself now i want to go back.
i dont think its going to happen personally. we'll see. trying to reserve judgement but im going to be disciplined for being depressed. thats whats coming. i am loathe to cite bullying or go with any grievance procedure. its just not me and i dont have the conviction to carry it through.

im so fed up. i feel on very very thin ice.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 03-Apr-13 23:58:27

I went down the grievance route while ill, I didn't want to particularly, but was going to resign and claim constructive dismissal as my terms and conditions had changed so much when I was TUPE'd from a MH charity to the Local Council. And I couldn't do that unless I'd gone down grievance route first.

Part of my grievance was that, although a risk assessment was done after I had returned to work from time off sick with work related stress, when the risk happened, no action was taken.

I didn't expect grievance to be upheld, (although thought I had a good case), and it wasn't. But by that time I had run out of energy and was deeply depressed.

So, sad to say, for people with depression it is often not even worth persuing justice, ranks close and it adds even more stress.

vicar whatever the outcome, I hope it happens soon. I found doubt and uncertainty to be v debilitating. It's like in the film Clockwise, where the John Cleese character is trying to get to somewhere and things keep going wrong, but then another way of getting there crops up but again it doesn't work - "I can cope with the disappointment. It's the hope I can't bear.'

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 04-Apr-13 00:06:35

i am horribly defeatist at the best of times but i think i can see whats coming.
i may be wrong but would be surprised if i was wrong.

please keep everything crossed for me and my interview.

I think i could probably prove my case but i also doubt it would be upheld and i have absolutely no desire to follow it through. none.

what im worried about is going to the meeting thinking its about getting me back to work when it could actually just be smoke and mirrors and a way of getting rid of me.

i sound nuts. paranoid. but i sense something in the offing.

bassetfeet Thu 04-Apr-13 00:10:13

Hi Vicar <<hug>>

Awful time for you waiting . And yes they will maybe bring up your sickness record as is usual . First warning maybe or not.
Most of which is probably stress related and you had doctors sicknote . They can issue a warning but dont take it to heart if you can .
Vicar you could not have functioned anymore my love . You had to go sick . You are valuable .....a wife and mum . and you matter a lot .

I hope you have someone to go with you as support to the meeting . Who will take notes and be by your side . It may seem like a trial Vicar but it isnt. Oh my I recall feeling as if it was though sad. The illness accentuates the feelings of a witch hunt oh yes .

I wish I could be beside you on the day . I will be on your shoulder in the ether .
All I can give you is my thoughts in retrospect having been through similar angst and worry.

You are obviously a very conscientious lady and good policewoman . Passed probation and all reviews have been good. That is fact and on record . Hold your head high .

If you can and it is hard I know .........disengage your emotions from the conference . It is highly personal to you of course it is . But honestly it is a tick box exercise to those face less HR people . You have been ill . You need some help to go back into the workplace . It is their duty to arrange something that will facilitate that return within reasonable means . You are in control then .

Please dont fret if you can . The future is only conjecture [my mantra ]. Lots of good things are out there for you amidst the bad . xx

may have worded this badly .sorry . hope you get my gist and care .

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 04-Apr-13 00:20:07

thank you basset

i just want this meeting over with so i know where i stand. I know it will be a tick box exercise - but with the hernia i cant guarantee that i wont get physically ill again, so i will stress just waiting for that to happen.

obviously i will mention this at the meeting - that until i get some permanent treatment for the hernia it may continue to impact on my health and when it does i may need to modify my role for a week or so.

but im so tired. tired of justifying myself. Of trying to explain myself.

i would just like a fresh start.

thank you for listening to me waffle....feeling guilty that im all take and no give on this thread just now.
i feel like my anxiety is bad and being in limbo is counterproductive.

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 04-Apr-13 00:46:49

Just popping by to offer hugs to mili vicar and anyone else that needs it. Limbo is horrid. Like you say I suspect the limbo is even worse than a negative outcome. With limbo you are lost in a whirlpool. With no direction. No ability to plan. At least when you get the case conference over you will have (hopefully) direction even if it is an 'undesirable' outcome you will hopefully gain direction and I know that direction would do me a world of good atm as far as my mental health is concerned. So I would say that as long as decisions and plans are made any outcome could be viewed as a positive outcome. Do you have a date for this yet?

Very quick resume of my day as it has been very busy.
Out of bed 11am
Tesco
Chemists
Put shopping away (I hate this job and it can take days)
Load dishwasher
Dtds cooked blts for lunch/tea mid afternoon
Booked theme park tickets
Tidy kitchen. Wipe down. Rubbish out.
Straighten dtds hair.
Shower.
Board games with friends.

I was a bit shaky this afternoon. Think that was because I was entertaining someone I had only met a couple of times and someone I had never met but it actually went really well. I was actually pretty comfortable.

Tomorrow we have a day out. No doubt I will pop in in the evening. I shall be thinking of you all day as I trudge round a theme park with a dodgy neck. I have hit the cocodamol today though which has made it much more bearable.

Anyway. ..I have to drag myself out of bed 3hrs early tomorrow so I guess I had better get to sleep...

MillyMollyMandy78 Thu 04-Apr-13 09:02:22

Thanks for everyone's concern re. My mum etc. I am fine - mostly relieved as we were not getting the help we needed as a family before this and it was taking an enormous toll on dad. Due to years of abuse etc i'm not close to my mum at all anyway - so although i sympathise for her current situation, i am just glad that my dad and sister are getting a break from her continued abusive bahaviour and stress surrounding her mental health issues. However, it has been a busy few days, topped off by an 8 hour drive home (normally takes 3 hours), so i am absolutely exhausted since i got back.
Vicar - I really hope things get sorted soon for you. Your work situation sounds very stressful and exhausting.
Wishing you all a good day x

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 04-Apr-13 09:12:26

Another one popping by to offer hugs to Vicar and everyone else. Vicar, whatever happens, once this work situation is sorted, you are going to feel better, im sure of it. Can you pitcure a date in the future where it will be sorted one way or another and hold on to that date? A day out? A day at the stable with the horses?

Hi vicar how are you doing today?
The paranoia is a deadly symptom when you're in the situation you're in - can you try and tell yourself it's the depression talking? Jeez I get paranoid when someone doesn't return a text hmm

Please don't worry about the give and take thing - tbh its our priviledge to help you for a change. I'm sure you'll be returning the favour in a week or two wink You're in a horrible situation, be kind to yourself just do the minimum and maybe plan in a day at the stables to look forward to. Hugs x

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 04-Apr-13 12:09:50

hi and thank you everyone.

ive got a date to start counselling again, but feel hopelessly embarrassed about it - its with the same person as before but i dont suppose she expected me back quite so soon. feel a bit sheepish.

i jump when ever the phone rings. i dread answering.

im not going to go to the stables until after the interview just in case i do anything that would jeapardise the interview.

i seem to have had a really good few weeks and now this....am struggling to get up again (literally and metaphorically)

Hi vicar I'm sure you're not the first person to return to a counsellor or the last - at least you won't have to start from scratch. From here it looks like the returning to work is causing this worsening. Once that's sorted (one way or the other) I really think you can get back to the better weeks.

Heading Up North now, am hoping I can keep in touch but if not take care everyone and will be saying Hi from a great viewpoint Bugs.

Hugs.

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 04-Apr-13 14:03:20

I want my bed

I'm freezing my butt off at drayton manor.

I am literally just standing around because of my neck I can't/won't go on amything.

ThatVikRinA22 Thu 04-Apr-13 20:11:57

how was the rest of your day out egg? hope you enjoyed it despite not getting on any rides.

we pay annual homage to Alton Towers.....DH does exactly the same - he ends up 'bag boy' - standing at the side of rides with everyones bags cos he wont go on anything either. we got him on the runaway mine train (its a tiny little roller coaster that kids go on and he screamed like a girl)

My pal phoned earlier and says i sound so flat again sad

am off to go and have a bath with bubbles and wine and candles....will check back later.

do hope everyone else has had a good day....

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 04-Apr-13 20:36:06

Im home.

Im exhausted.

I'm laying on the sofa with a hot chocolate, headache and a wheat pack behind my sore and tense neck and shoulders.

The kids all had a great day. Worked well as we had a big kid that naturally paired up with dd3 for the slightly tamer rides. We had a thrill seaker that was happy to accompany dtd2 on the hard core rides. Dtd1 and a friend were happy to pick and choose between the two or head to the galleon on their own if they didn't fancy either.

I almost didn't go because of my neck but im glad I did because the kids all had a great time. I'm not a big theme park fan, but I prefer drayton to alton towers as it is more compact and has a better balance of rides for dtds and younger dd3.

I want a hot bath as I am still warming it as it was snowing at one point. Dont know if I can be bothered though as I had a shower and did my hair yesterday...

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 04-Apr-13 20:43:20

Bloody weather - i swear it makes everything so much bleaker sad

Hope you enjoy your bath Vicar. If the stables are good for your MH Vicar, please go - I don't see how that could jeopardise your interview (unless of course you fall off your horse and end up in full body plaster confused) It will do you good - horse therapy should be available on NHS

I had to go back to my counsellor after quite sime time and i was mortified too, it was for an initial assesment but it helped that it was her. I said that i was embarrased and felt i hadn't moved on and she was just said, no no, you are having a crisis and you'll get through it like you did before. It was good to hear. Of course now im waiting on hearing on when i will actually start the counselling proper.

Enjoy the frozen northing, colouring

Had a good day today despite dodgy start - missed the begining of kids club film which would have cost me £3, resulting in a sobbing DD and me caving in and having to spend £20 on a film she wasn't even that keen on seeing and appeasing with popcorn hmm The croods - i know i was in an emotional state because it made me cry (wanker!) We then spent the rest of the day in the museum (thankfully free) but of course blew my weeks budget for days out in one day shock

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 04-Apr-13 21:00:05

Ahhhh yes the Croods. I went to see that last week...you must have been emotional to have cried at that. ..or maybe I was so tired and fell asleep missing the emotional bit..

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 04-Apr-13 21:07:18

It was the bit where the dad was going to save all of his family but thought he would have to stay behind, i just had tears rolling down my face, luckily DD didn't notice. blush

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 04-Apr-13 21:10:59

Oh yes. Where he threw them over the canyon?

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 04-Apr-13 21:30:40

Thats the bit - <<sniff>> I felt so sorry for him, i know its a bit of a disney old chestnut - the daddy having to let go of his little girl when she meets her future husband. Im just pleased that no one was sitting near us grin

Unfortunatelyanxious Thu 04-Apr-13 22:19:40

Hello all, going through a very odd hyper phase, only slept from midnight till 4 am and still don't feel tired. I hate it when I get like this, more scary than wanting to sleep loads.

I did scrub and clean DS bedroom today in a very whirlwind way.
Sending all the best to everyone.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 04-Apr-13 22:34:35

Well, it's nice to be home. The NE is warmer than London!!! (though still cold).

Have been sleeping. A lot. I always need a couple of days recovery after seeing aged P's. I love them, but they are hard work.

Confession time - I haven't had a bath or shower in all the time I've been away - 10 days blush Am about to have one now though.

EggwiniasRevenge Thu 04-Apr-13 23:19:55

UA I had a very hyperactive phase a few weeks ago. I found it very unsettling.

Since then I seem to have been goig from strength to strength. Hope you do to.

Silvery...think I made 12 days once...hope you enjoyed tonights.

I am so tired and stiff. I don't even know if I have the energy to make it upstairs to bed...

Unfortunatelyanxious Thu 04-Apr-13 23:58:07

Thanks ER when I'm like this I feel as if its forever, SPC I went five days without washing recently I just totally forgot

Hope you feel relaxed after your bubbles vicar.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 05-Apr-13 00:04:14

Clean,, so clean I'm itchy!

UA I have those phases too, I quite enjoy them but then burn out. But as I am retired and there's only me and DCat, it doesn't matter so much these days. And actually, burning out is probably a protective thing.

If it persists, might be worth seeing GP?

TomblibooTrousers Fri 05-Apr-13 00:33:47

Mind if i join? Everything feels black at the moment and ive avoided social contact alot lately. Can't pick myself up.

Lucyellensmum95 Fri 05-Apr-13 00:36:38

Hi there tombliboo - im sorry you are feeling bleak, you will find lots of support on this thread x

TomblibooTrousers Fri 05-Apr-13 00:42:08

Thank you. I'm afraid I haven't read the thread in detail and don't think I have much to give in return.