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Im so bloody ugly. lonely and despondent.

(80 Posts)
marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 20:03:31

Not looking for sympathy believe it or not, just need to unburden. but im so ugly. born ugly. and worthless.

watching TOTP on bbc4 and Blondie were on.
i was teenager then and wanted to look like Debbie Harry when i was older. who didnt? shes stunning. one of those faces you cant take your eyes off (and Im not gay!). men were panting for her and girls wanted to BE her. this ugly duckiling has never turned into a swan.

already with deep depression and seeing that has bought me down even more, even though i cant get any deeper.

i never attract anyone (i dont haver the best personailty either, i try though, im unsociable but friendly). ANYONE.

get called ugly troll in the street. only DC loves me. that should be enough but i feel such a gaping hole in my life. im not alone but feel so lonely.

just want to be properly loved by a decent man (after years of abuse). there must be SOMEONE, just ONE man on this planet of trillions of people.

im a lone parent for a good reason.

no matter how i do make up/style hair etc i still literally look like jabba the hut, with a figure to match, no diet or excercise works for me, and im physically disabled too.

sorry. anyone else feel this way? how do you cope? I am having counselling atm but it doesnt take away the feelings.

marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 20:11:20

and now i feel guilty, (always feeling guilty, posting this )(should have namechanged) when so many of you are having problems too.

theres that saying 'theres always someone worse off than you?' well what happens when YOU are one thats worse off? there comes a time doesnt it? SOMEONES got to be worse off and sometimes its the self.

and now DCs in bed and i can only hear 1 heartbeat, and its breaking.

oh gosh i sound so bloody pathetic and self-pitying.

Cliff Richard said the following when his mum gor dementia.

it was something like ''it doesnt stop you living but it takes away your life.''
''it doesnt take away your life but it stops you living''.

whatever way round he said it he was right.

but i dont have dementia, its what i say about depression.

this is not living, this is not life.

im so sorry, so many others here going through deep despair.

marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 21:02:18

okay, thought i wasnt the only one but seems i am.

my thread must be so pathetic.

Hi marj, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I can't see you so I have no idea if there is any truth in your opinion of your looks. I think the root of your issues though, are in your low self-esteem, and it's common enough for an abusive relationship to wear away your confidence.

I think what you need, before you fill the empty hole in your life with another man, is to fill the empty hole in your life with yourself. You need to love yourself, be confident in yourself, be comfortable in your own skin. The sad truth is that you can't expect anyone else to love you if you don't love yourself.

Have you considered counselling to get your confidence back?

Chubfuddler Thu 14-Mar-13 21:13:04

You're not pathetic. And I really doubt you look like Jabba the hut. You'd have been on the news or something by now.

People who abuse strangers in the street are sad/mad/bad. Take no notice.

marjproops Thu 14-Mar-13 21:47:06

Thank you. i felt so alone then. I must seem like im seeking attention here.

seriously, I AM ugly. I accept that but i cant live with it.

i know my few friends love me, and as for DC i couldnt get more love than what my darling child gives me, and shes the only one that doesnt see the ugliness/bad stuff, why should I care what other people think?

but i do. i try so hard to appear (at least) confident and stuff but DC and I BOTH get abuse from people. (think the case of Fiona Pilkington and no one would take her seriously and look what she ended up doing in the end) i live in fear all the time, i get panic attacks on top of the depression, i know Im not helping myself by that, and i do seriously try to calm down and get a grip.

Im sort of confident when im out with DC and stuff, mainly cos Im hoping people will look at her instead of me, shes so cute. i dont mind being 'invisible', rather that than be noticed and ridiculed.

i am having counselling, but if i had the money id get plastic surgery, at least to improve my face,NOT because its trendy, ive been feeling like this for many many years.

i feel like that thing years ago when the victorians used to get 'different' people and display them as circus freaks.

(youd think with a mn name like marjproops I'D be the one counselling!!)

but i know if i didnt have DC i would be long dead, im just not living, i only go out and do things for DCs sake, shes not suffering in any way, i try and hide my despair from her, i give her all the love i have, and feed/clothe/etc properly, but i feel im not giving her a proper mum, shes already without a dad.

sorry. i cant say any more, im breaking down. thank you again for your support.

Chubfuddler Fri 15-Mar-13 00:32:43

Counselling is clearly not cutting it for you. You need to go to your GP and get medication for your depression and seek a referral to a psychiatrist or your community mental health team.

If you are overweight and that bothers you then you can do something about it, if you have any kind of endocrinological problem which is affecting your weight then your GP needs to refer you to appropriate specialists. My aunt has MS and is wheelchair bound but she lost four stone with slimming world a couple of years ago and has kept it off.

Please reach out for help, I know it must feel like an uphill battle.

Snazzynewyear Fri 15-Mar-13 01:00:54

Sorry you feel this way. I don't know that I can say much to help but I can send you good vibes for life to change. And definitely ignore anything said to you in the street. There are lots of unpleasant and deluded people out there and unfortunately some of them take it out on others in public. It says nothing about you and everything about them. The same person would probably shout that at Megan Fox if she was walking by.

How long have you been in counselling? Don't be afraid to look for a different counsellor if it doesn't seem to be helping after a while. Sometimes it can take time to find a counsellor that is a good fit for you.

hellonewworld Fri 15-Mar-13 01:06:25

I'm pretty sure that you are probably not ugly. I believe that beauty is from within and can relate to the say 'beauty is skin deep but ugly is to the bone'. Everybody is beautiful in their own way and everybody is beautiful to somebody, what they say about you says more about them than it does about you. It sounds like you are in a dark place right now but there WILL be light at the end of the tunnel, for every dark night there is a brighter day. I'm sure your DD thinks are you are the most amazing person to walk this earth and in her eyes you will always be beautiful because you are her mummy. Keep strong and don't give up, I wish I could comfort you in real life but I'm always here if you ever need to talk and I think you are brave to come on here and talk about it rather than keeping everything bottled up (hugs)

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 16:54:37

Thank you, all. yes i feel a bit braver 'talking' about it here as im not known and not visual and fairly anonymous, like i suppose the samaritans, they can not judge you on your looks or anything like that.

Anti-depressants dont work on me, NO medication has ever worked on me for anything, so i live with whatever pain.

my counsellor actually contacted me today as shes concerned so thats nice of her, and I spoke to a close friend today about it too.

i mean, i dont want to tell the whole world but sometimes you just want to unburden, no?

i realy appreciate your support here and feel the hugs, i hope i can hug any of you going through stuff too.

and seriously, I AM ugly. and cos of the outside i feel ugly inside too.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 18:46:48

and trust us: when the beautiful you hiding safely inside emerges, you won't look ugly on the outside either.

BTW am now 60 and how lovely I look in old pix, and slim too! Far from my own perception at the time, I can tell you...

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 21:52:24


I actually tore and threw away all photos of when I was between 4years old and 16. (baby pics were quite cute)

then in the 80's i was told I looked like Boy George which i loved at the time, not thinking...ok, so i look like a man in drag-type thing??? and used to dress freaky so if people were looking at me at least i knew why, i dressed freaky for confidence. boy Goerge/strawberry switchblade/gothic, type thing.
after the freaky dress phhase i tore all photos again to this day.

(got tons of DC as shes truly cute).

I just had a friend round and broke down, thankfully shes known me for years and accepts the way I am.

and Im really feeling friendship here on mn with this, thank you so much. I know Im not the only one who gets like this, been looking at other threads here. lots of people down on themselves too.

its awful, depression and abuse etc. and now i feel fear as DCs in bed and Im on my own downstairs.

feel selfish and self-pitying watching comic relief and seeing all these poor and ill people in Africa and stuff.

Snazzynewyear Fri 15-Mar-13 22:27:06

I used to love Strawberry Switchblade. It was a good look. <hums 'Since Yesterday>

I'm glad you are feeling some people are on your side. I still really think you need to work through your self-loathing, either with this counsellor or another. I think there will be a light at the end of the tunnel with this one day for you.

And everyone is allowed to feel the feelings that they feel. The situation in Africa is not good but that doesn't mean your unhappiness is trivial.

I think you should put some of your cute baby pics up next to your DD's, to remind yourself where her cuteness comes from. You have created this wonderful little person. Give yourself some credit for that.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 22:29:21

Yy to the weird dressing grin - I'm pretty sure I have AS, so attempted to match my weirdness with my clothes. Actually you can still tell by the way I dress and hair that I am an old hippy blush

ChipTheFish Fri 15-Mar-13 22:39:28

marjproops I can understand why you are feeling the way you are. Years of low self esteem and abuse have taken their toll. I agree with other posters that you should go to your GP and perhaps start on some anti-depressants.

Aside from that, you need to learn to love yourself again. That sounds about wishy-washy, but it is fundamentally the most important thing you can do to start thinking differently.

Stop focusing on your looks. They are really not important. Cut yourself some slack and focus on your good points. Force yourself to socialise, the more you do it, the more you will realise that people will like you for your other qualities.

Remember that life is short, don't spend it wishing you were somebody different. Every individual has different talents and qualities. You deserve a happy life.

I hope you are feeling better soon, I suffer from negative thoughts quite often too. Don't focus on them, distract yourself and try and think positivly.

We are all here if you need us. thanks

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 22:46:33

Think the 80's was the only time i felt good about myself really, (being a mother not-withstanding, my child is my only joy).

Dressing wierd was like acting, playing a role, being another person. still got called ugly but then id respond something like ''yeh, i look like this on purpose, whats your excuse''...i was more bold then because i wore a 'suit of armour'.

in the winter now i love it when it rains cos i put an umbrella right down over my head and a hood to hide as much of my face as poss, and in summer i wear vic bekham huge sunglasses and that helps a lot too.

like a mask. figure-wise i try with the 'magic underwear' as much as poss.

its wierd cos 1 my neice looks just like me as a toddler and gets told by my parents how cute and lovely she is, they say she looks like i did, but all i remember is them saying i was ugly too at that age. ermmm, that would have made them uglly then, if they made me?

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 22:48:40

Thank you all agin for your encouragement. I do try and encourage myself when I can.

Im a loving mum, devoted to my child.
I can drive -if I can drive ANYONE can!
I can cook well and sew well.
I can play some instruments and sing.

See? Im trying!!!

ChipTheFish Fri 15-Mar-13 22:55:52

Have you thought about joining a craft or music group? I wish I could drive. I've never had any lessons, the thought of it terrifies me! DP hates it because whenever a lorry or anything big comes near us on the motorway I cry out and cover my eyes!

Keep on encouraging yourself and things are bound to get better smile

StuffezLaBouche Fri 15-Mar-13 22:59:41

Hello marj,
I knew this thread was going to be by you when I saw the title. I love reading your posts - you've got a a brain, you're intelligent and kind... But you're so unhappy with yourself. What does ugly even mean? We're all so fucking brainwashed with ideas of 'beauty' and what a woman 'should be,' who the fuck even knows?

The scum who make comments in the street - can you really take them seriously? Why would you care about the opinion of someone so poorly brought up and STUPID that they insult women in the street?! (I get it too. I am 20 stone so you can guess the comments I get.)

You seem to have segregated yourself from the rest of the human race - marked yourself as something sub standard. Please don't do this. Your DC need you. To them, you're the the centre of the world.

crossparsley Fri 15-Mar-13 23:06:00

You can love and share;
You can do something practical and independent;
You can create things;
You can communicate in a way that touches people who might not even know you.

These are beautiful things about you, not just things you can do, like hoovering or saying the alphabet backwards.

Gah! To your parents. I bet your niece does look like you and they are right this time, and were utterly wrong about you.

Please keep a core of the admirable things you are and can do. The rest will come, or it's not worth stressing over (see above re hoovering).

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 23:18:24

Stuffez. thanx. didnt know i posted so much! thats so sweet what youve said.

I do have a sense of humour (which many people with depression have, using humour as a relief I guess) and enjoy going on Chat and other forums here on MN, Im flitting from one to another now!

Ive been told Im mentally unstable but if I was then i wouldnt be so honest and aware of what was wrong??

I know its unreasonable to take to heart these B** in the streets, but when they wolf-whistle at one woman and then sneer at another, thats sooo not nice.

Chip, i used to be in bands in the 80's and 90's but DCs a fulltime job (shes disabled) and ive had to virtually give up on the gigs since becoming a mum.. Ive done a couple and that REALLY helps me, i love singing and dont mind people looking as theres a reason, im on stage, with a band.

Im a lone parent so cant go and join anything---except munsnet!! but as I home ed, i do lots of crafts and things with DC.

seriously, i love this mn, its my company in the evenings when DC goes to bed. and by nature Im quite reclusive.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Mar-13 23:28:48

You casually remark that You Sing. On Stage. With a Band.

That's a pretty awesone thing to do smile

StuffezLaBouche Fri 15-Mar-13 23:29:07

I think it's more I notice your posts cos I noticed a previous post of yours, rather than you posting excessively.

Ive been told Im mentally unstable but if I was then i wouldnt be so honest and aware of what was wrong??

That is so spot on! You are not deluded or mad, quite clearly. BUT - although you're seeing things through clear and intelligent eyes, your perspective is skewed. For example, you look at yourself and see something that does not tally up with media expectations of attractive. But you're NOT seeing that decent, friendly people don't immediately judge and think awful things... I'm not making sense, sorry.

Snazzynewyear Fri 15-Mar-13 23:30:52

So you also have the confidence and ability to perform in public. Don't underestimate how admirable a skill that is. I have a job that requires me to do something similar and I have been told countless times by others that they could never do it, they are too nervous to have people looking and listening to them. Not only do you do that, you have done it despite this insecurity about the way you look. I really admire your confidence for that, even if to you it seems like it doesn't 'count' because you are singing - it's something not that many other people can do.

marjproops Fri 15-Mar-13 23:44:52

Thank you. I did have a desire when I was younger of being an actress so i could hide under differnt guises, but the singing and performing was just as adequate, and more enjoyable (and Im no actress! altho i try and appear confident-holding head up, walking straight etc when we're out).

Its weird as Im not really a people person, but as a teacher I was confident with teaching as children dont see rubbish, they take you to heart and are almost like pets, unconditional fondness and stuff.

and on stage id be on a platform, therefore a gap between me and an audience so didnt feel overwhelmed (if that makes sense).

Bit Susan Boyle I suppose!! Or Paul potts. I know they overcame jibes about their looks and 'quirks'. not that id ever go on BGT or anything!

I really cant thank you all enough, im trying to see other threads here too to try and support others too, we're all in it together (At least WE know what that means, the PM obv doesnt!)

Ill have to log off now, ill come back tomorrow, im drained now, was intending to go to bed over an hour ago! THANX AGAIN.xxxx

we need an emoticon for hugs.

StuffezLaBouche Sat 16-Mar-13 16:20:43

Hello Marj, how you doing today?

CorrieDale Sat 16-Mar-13 16:39:35

I sympathise. I too am ugly and sometimes I cannot believe that I am going to have lived my whole life long without ever being pretty. Seems so bloody unfair.

I think making the best of yourself is a must. I've tried the whole bizarre goth weird thing. That was not helpful. It made me feel even more if a joke than I already did. I now make sure I dress nicely. Even if I'm the plainest of janes, I'm in good clothes and they make me feel better. I have recently had my hair cut into an actual style and that's also given me a lift. I think it's so easy to give up on oneself but it doesn't help. While self esteem comes from the inside it helps enormously if you act like you have it in spades and then a bit actually seeps in. One consolation is that beauty does fade. As does ugliness. I am not exactly improving but I'm not getting any worse and it's starting to matter less. I also remind myself that it's my most beautiful friends who are the most screwed up. I find it hard to understand, being convinced that being beautiful would make me so happy nothing would daunt me. But I am clearly massively wrong. Being beautiful, it turns out, is not a passport to happiness. Go figure!

marjproops Sat 16-Mar-13 17:47:06

Hi again. Corrie I agree with you. glad you make the best of what you have, i get my hair done by a hairdresser friend and shes coloured and highlighted it so my hair is nice at least.
i try different tricks with make up, nothing works though! and i dress smart/casual, dont want to be a frump, try and be 'cool' mum for DC.

Stuffez thanx for asking. xxx

Had bad dreams last night again. often do.

I know I dont help myself, always wake up with a sense of forboding..''what bad thing can happen today''? Ive learnt to live, not for the day, but making goals of every 20 mins or so ands see if i can get through each time. hard work but only thing i can do at the mo.

I had another meltdown this afternoon and poor DC was upset, its horrible to be like this, i try to hide it from her, but i had to say ''mummy doesnt feel well'', and she seems to accept that. but i feel im 'abusing' her by not pulling myself together more.

i dont wnat her telling people ''my mum cries all the time'' or somthing like that. ive told her its not her fault, she makes me happy.

Im so sorry, I sound so pathetic and 'me me me'.

ill flit about the other forums maybe geyt a bit of a laugh on 'chat' or something. try and distract myself a bit.

DCs watching 'summer holiday' the film she loved it so shes ok at the mo.
hope you are all ok.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 16-Mar-13 19:36:23

Love that film - was 11 when it first came out, and used to watch it annually on the telly grin

You've been honest with DC, and you aren't crying all the time. I was v depressed much of the time when mine were LO, but at the same time they made me very happy - and that's what they really picked up on, I think...

marjproops Sat 16-Mar-13 19:49:11

Evan that film gets me, all sunny and young and free and pretty! I cried when that song 'the next time' came on as I love it and it moves me but DC knows I always cry on that bit so she came and gave me a hug!

not helping that the old dear next door died a few days ago and his kids have already put his house for sale and thereve been comings and goings and noise and were both panicking to whos going to move in, old man was so quiet, weve had to move so many times cos of anti-social behaviour towards both of us, and disability discrimination and just us being vulnerable, me and DC only, and this is the quietest place weve ever had and now anyone moving in will obv be decorating an old fashioned place and diy noise etc etc, and prob wont stick to the law regarding hours as NO ONE does, and maybe loud music/parties etc, weve had this in the past.

thats getting us both more than anything atm.

even so, were having to downsize too as were underoccupying and no one wants our house as its not exactly Devon were in. we are on the council exchange thing. so this is taking forever and we can never ever settle anywhere.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 16-Mar-13 20:58:49

Me too! It made me want to go abroad! (Some hopes with frugal DF in charge) It made me want to live in a bus! And at the time I knew that with my weirdness and glasses I would find it hard to get a bloke. (This eventually turned out to be complete baloney smile ) Luckily none of the blokes in Summer Holiday was all that fanciable, and I knew that my True Love would see my intellect and not my looks if we ever met - by 1965 I knew who my TL was but sadly my path never properly crossed with John Lennon's (though I did see the Beatles).

I'm in the North East btw. Haven't they revised that rule if a household member has a disability (not sure, they've deffo done something). Does DC get DLA?

Badvoc Sat 16-Mar-13 21:05:27

You sound lovely.
Just a lovely person.
And I am sure you are not ugly (whatever the hell being ugly means this week in the glamour mags!)
I hope you feel more positive tomorrow x

MorphsMum Sat 16-Mar-13 21:06:42

If your DC was "ugly" you would love her anyway, wouldn't you? You would never say "You are ugly".

That's what you need to do for yourself.

Teahouse Sat 16-Mar-13 21:19:22

I think trying to be beautiful is unrealistic for most of us; apart from the lucky few, we all just try to make the best of what we have. Ugly is such a loaded term.

I used hypnotherapy to help me emotionally deal with my not being good enough for anyone, and anything. I can really recommend it. It has helped me think about my language and start changing my thought patterns.

I almost had a breakdown when my DCs were younger...not too long after my divorce and after my last relationship ended around 7 years ago. I used the dementor from Harry Potter to explain how I felt...and then we all had chocolate to help me.

I know it is really hard, but if you can try to make a list of all the positives and then focus on these, that may help you to start making some changes.

Good luck

marjproops Sat 16-Mar-13 22:11:47

You are all so sweet!

Its not just about the looks though. the looks are just the tip of the iceberg.

I think 'ugly' dogs like pit bulls or bulldogs are lovely! I KNOW beauty is in the eye of the beholder, i just think if i ever attracted someone theyd be a blind man!

Ive NEVER attracted anyone decent, I myself dont neccessarily go for looks in a guy,( dont see the appeal at all in becks, clooney, pitt etc etc) i love a nice character on a guy, thing is guys dont tend to think the same of women most of the time!

(silver melvyn Hayes was cute in that film, as were Bruce and Brian in the Shadows! and i bet you are more attractive than Yoko!!)

, no, its being treated like sh** and never good enough.

To some people (ie-paerents) i could have a halo round my head, angel wings out my back, the pope on my right, mother teresa on my left, and still not enough.

I know because of my upbringing and subsequent abuse, im determined to be the best i can be for my child, her love for me knows no boundaries.

but i do feel like (even though Im not a virgin, i was married but apart from the abuse id 'saved' myself for my husband-forced marriage in the end) and have never known proper physical love.

aprt from the fact i never attract anyone im a (hard to believe) Christian and would like to be married properly for sex and proper love. im celibate anyway,and the thought of going the rest of my life without experiencing 'that' really saddens me.

marjproops Sat 16-Mar-13 22:35:00

Wow, TMI there, hope I'm not outing myself! excuse my typos, Im a good speller, its just ive got arthritic fingers and i type faster than my brain works so end up pressing wrong letters and not proofreading before sending.

I pray all the time for a soul mate, and I think DC would love a father, were ok as we are, but times like Christmas, birthdays, days out, when i see families together. im old fashioned, i wanted the proper family thing, never thought life would turn out like this. i know life is not The Waltons or the Brady Bunch but some families are happy, no?

and I know that its better just me and DC than others that were in our lives, THAT part of the abuse has gone and disappeared, its the mental issues, I know.

but ive never even had a boyfriend or a male friend to hang out with (any male friends are female friends husbands) so DCs never seen me with anyone.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 16-Mar-13 23:14:15

I thought Hank Marvin was the best of the Shadows smile

Teahouse Sun 17-Mar-13 20:28:48

Marj, I have not had a proper relationship for 7 years; ex-husband had a very long term affair, 2 relationships since; one cancelled our wedding and the other took back his ex-wife.

You are not the only woman who feels men are not attracted to her. I would love a relationship but only if it is one I feel comfortable in. I would rather be alone than unhappy with just anyone. The best thing to do is make a proper life for oneself. I have learnt to go on holiday alone, go to the cinema alone, eat in restaurants alone...I rarely have adult company outside work. You do not need a man to make you happy or feel worthwhile. There is plenty to do as a single woman.

But if you are a committed Christina then try a Christian dating site. They might suit your needs better than a non-religious one.

marjproops Sun 17-Mar-13 20:38:43

OOh no, I know people who have met through dating sites but its just not for me, too many horror stories too there.

i agree id rather be on my own than with a horrible person (was in a terrible marriage for 2 years).

we (dC and I) do have a life, we do lots of things, go to places and stuff, and i have my hobbies being one of them!-I just always feel something-someones missing.

I considered fostering but DCs too much to deal with as it is, theres a void always i feel. always. dont know why.

Ive had well-meaning Christian friends saying 'you have God, you dont need anything else' but it doesnt work that way.
im not a very good 'witness' for christianity atm and that saddens me too. but at least im 'real', not going to be happy clappy if i dont feel it, i wont be a hipocrite.

StuffezLaBouche Sun 17-Mar-13 20:48:17

If there is a benevolent God up the Marj, he will be more concerned about seeing one of is children so desperately unhappy, rather than being angry you're not being a good witness.

Totally understand your aversion to dating sites, I'm going through that pile of crap right now and is awful. Feel like I need to pre-warn anyone who emails me that I'm 20 stone and huge, so they can gracefully withdraw their interest. :-(

Not going to go into all the details here (but feel free to pm) but I want to say tat trying to live a normal life and have a normal sense of self worth after abuse is the hardest thing in the world. Xx

holstenlips Sun 17-Mar-13 20:53:30

Hi Marj i hope you dont mind i just wanted to say that i know (i empathise) with how you feel. Your words have actually given me some comfort so thank you
you sound like a great mum too. Im a lone parent and it is mega lonely and hard work.
I really dont like the idea of you and dc being subjected to anti social behaviour im sorry that some people have no idea how to be a decent human being :-(
Anyway i hope you are ok x

Badvoc Sun 17-Mar-13 20:59:11

I've seen you drooling over Bradley James on the other thread op smile you saucebox!
Well, sorry, but he's mine smile
You see?
You are lovely and have excellent taste!
But seriously, he's mine smile
Wrt the "it's all part of gods plan" thing...hmmm..I am a Christian too, and get this sometimes from people. It is really not helpful! (Even if its true) it can be downright hurtful to bare your soul to someone (as I did as an unhappy, unloved teenager) and be told "it's ok, god loves you"
Well. Yes. But god can't snog me at the pictures on a saturday night, can he?
Which is what I wanted more than anything at 15 sad
Hope you are feeling more positive x

marjproops Sun 17-Mar-13 21:11:09

Badvoc Thats why i drool over the Bradleys et al ! they cant harm me and I can dream to my hearts content!

in my dreams Im slim, young and beautiful and all these guys are falling over themselves to want to date me! a guy like BJ or anyone else I said on that topic would never even look at me ONCE, never mind twice in RL.

and yy to Gods plan thing. we may get spiritual love and stuff but yes, Id like physical love, hugs and kisses and stuff. (maybe we should go to the religion topic on mn for discussing that one. in fact i may pm you on this one)

if I dont wander over to other topics id just end up topping myself so i try and lighten up on other threads just for a bit.

Ive got a good sense of humour, its just very rare it emerges.

marjproops Sun 17-Mar-13 21:48:44

just looked at my emails and in the junk folder theres a dating site on offer! just sent to delete!

Thanx for the pms too, btw.

marjproops Sun 17-Mar-13 21:50:38

holstenlips dont know what Ive said thats helped you but glad something has smile

wasteofspace123 Sun 17-Mar-13 22:15:30

I know how you feel marj, I've been feeling much the same way recently. I have a lovely 2 year old DD and a DH who says he loves me but I feel like a fat, worthless waste of space. I'm convinced that DH will eventually leave me for someone else. What you said about being dead already if not for DC resonated with me, I have contemplated suicide and told DH but he begged me not to as it would give DD issues for the rest of her life. I actually feel envious of a friend's DH who died a few months ago from an undiagnosed heart condition, he went to bed one night and didn't wake again. I wish that could be me. I am a shit wife and mother and everyone would be better off without me around, DD would get looked after better at a nursery/childminder while DH works.

marjproops Mon 18-Mar-13 16:52:02

waste please change your mn name, its made me very sad.

Id feel the same if I DID get a guy fool enough to love me. Id always be thinking hed leave me after not too long.

I also knew someone who died a while back and thought how lucky they were.
its horrible to say, for those who they left behind, but just being honest, as are you.

I often think DC would be better off somewhere else but I stay around BECAUSE she cant go with someone else or elsewhere. I want to be around because I love her and WANT to be around for her,and want her to be happy and Id like Grandchildren one day, not thinking I HAVE to be around for her.

Im not bitter that she has disabilities, (cant be helped)and that if she didnt she wouldnt need me later on in lfe, I really do adore her, shes my world.

I spoke to a friend once who felt the same as you and I said what your DH said that the child would blame themselves and think they must have been bad for mummy to do that and didnt mummy love them.

Im calling the kettle black here myself as I feel like killing myself often, and Id be pushing the same thoughts on to DC.

PLEASE thank God that you have a DH with you who obviously loves you to bits.

Im the same too as i feel like a piece of not even good enough to be shit, and get treated the same too.

wasteofspace123 Mon 18-Mar-13 17:26:54

I've namechanged to post in this section, I usually post under another name but I might be identifiable under that name if someone was to search all my posts and join the dots. I was going to start my own thread here but then I read yours and it sounded very similar to mine, sorry to hijack.

marjproops Mon 18-Mar-13 18:11:02

Youre not hijacking at all, waste glad youre not usually under that name. smile

This threads obv hit a nerve as others do ith me, thats why we are all sharing and chatting about it.

Branleuse Mon 18-Mar-13 21:31:58

big hugs.
looks fade . they're not important. you sound intelligent, self aware, caring, responsible, cool.
you also sound very very depressed. Im really sorry you're not happy. depression sucks. what meds have you tried?

marjproops Tue 19-Mar-13 16:32:40

bran I cant ever have ANY meds for ANYTHING, I have a weird immune system. If I get a migraine (frequent) I just have to lie down with a cold flannel on my forehead till it goes.

Colds and flu. nothing.

was in hospital for a knee op 0nce and they gave me morphine as a lat resort to take away the pain. nothing (got a bit high but thats all!). i screamed the place down with pain and they had to give me a private room as i was disturbing the other patients in the ward.

the only SLIGHT thing an anti dep did was make me worse! i treid to jump from an upstairs window and the gp took me off them. its like things, if they work work the opposite.

so...not only ugly, fat, uselsess, but weird insides too!

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 19-Mar-13 21:30:46

I'm just wondering, marj, did your weird immune system have any effects on your early life - like having to be in and out of hospital or anything? I notice you use the word 'despondent' rather than depressed. Do you feel that you are depressed in the mh sense of the word?

Just musing.

marjproops Wed 20-Mar-13 18:48:23

I have lifelong depression-bipolar/clinical/call it whatever, the reason I use despondant is on TOP of the depression.

Thing is, depression seems to be a very trendy word, overused by 'celebs' these days (Im sure some of them do have it, but you know what i mean?)and doesnt really seem to be taken seriously bECAUSE of them.

I just always had to live with any physical pain. not nice but Im used to it by now! nothing i can do about it. thanx for asking, silver.

hate typing this name but wasteofspace hope you are okay.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 18:59:20

Well, bi-polar implies you have times that are either overly happy or overly agitated at times, as well as having episodes (or even the rest of the time) of being depressed.

Although I think many of those celebs may well know how awful true depression is (think of Ruby Wax, for example), I agree that an unintended consequence of them feeling able to admit to it is that it is somehow, as you say, taken less seriously.

BTW love is blind - or maybe it sees beyond the physical? How lovely are the warts, nasal hair, and wall eye of the beloved grin Answer: very, at least to start off with, and at least to the one who loves them...

marjproops Wed 20-Mar-13 21:13:03

Ive been diagnosed through my life with every kind there is.

Just remembered ONE thing that I can take as a painkiller-only works a bit, but its alcohol. Got migraine so.....

having a tot now. Just a tot, im not a drinker, nor do i want to go down that road, its tempting sometimes, it blots mental pain a bit too but i wont do that, i already feel a filure for Dc I wont become an alcy mum too.

Love is blind....yes, If I meet a blind man!grin

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 21:23:30

Are you admitting to warts, nasal hair and a wall eye marj? wink

Then let me rephrase - how lovely is the feel of the warts and nasal hair of the beloved (not so sure that you'd be able to feel a wall eye? confused ).

I am so glad a tot of something nice does you a bit of good smile I tend to stick to lager these days when I drink, which is not often, as I used to have a tendency to overdo wine or spirits blush

marjproops Wed 20-Mar-13 21:32:58

I dont know what a wall eye is but it doesnt sound nice!

someone just had a dig at me somewhere on another thread to do with Dcs disabilities and it upset me but i held my own, answered in defence and got some support.

so try a lot not to let things defeat me. difficult to do but I can get a 'bold' 5 mins here or there. and make the most of it when i do.

i have been drunk a couple of times but that was pre-DC. wont ever let her see me drink alc in front of her.

did once, was a glass of port, left it for a mo on the coffee table, she obv thought it was ribena and took a big glug.

I screamed, poured a (literally) bathful of water down her. she slept well though! but that scared me, so only have the occasional drink once shes in bed.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Mar-13 21:39:14

ooh a nice drop of port sounds v nice, more than one glass would be urg to me, but just the one glass sounds v civilised.

more people have got a similar story to your mistaken ribena accident than you think.

I am ancient, and can recall the GM's of friends' DC advising putting a drop of whiskey (is that right? twas Irish!) in baby's bottle...

sensesworkingovertime Thu 21-Mar-13 20:47:52

Hi Marj, I have tried to follow the gist of this thread but you've had a lot of replies I've not had chance to read all!

I would agree with what most people are saying and that you sound absolutely lovely, lovely person, great mum. I can identify with your issues about your looks because I've had and still have plenty of issues throughout my life (in mid forties now). When I was younger I was called names plenty of times in school and in the street but I now know it was the people doing the calling who were the ugly ones. Not me, and not you or your DC. I mean, just imagine yourself for a min going out, seeing someone you didn't like the look of and calling them something horrible. If I imagine this I actually feel ashamed and ugly inside so god knows how I would feel if I really did it.

And who's to say what beauty is for goodnesss sake? You only have to look at all these young girls today bleaching, tanning and fake eyelashing themselves to within an inch of their lives to know that it's all a bit warped. To me that look is totally yuck but they obviously think it's great.

And by the way, my DH does not fancy Debbie Harry! ( I thought she was great)

I hope some of our replies make you feel better. Keep strong. YOU ARE FAB. YOU ARE NOT, I REPEAT NOT, UGLY, OK ?

marjproops Thu 21-Mar-13 20:58:40

Oh bless you, thats so sweet.

I know what you mean, i see these orange you've been tangoed oompa loompas walking around and think 'what the flip?' but obv these innit dude bruvs like them. id never dare to have looked like that.

i know beauty is skin deep and the eye of the beholder etc etc, but for example, just today, i was out for a coffee with Dc for social studies (!) and the girl in the queue in front of me, lovely wavy blonde hair, young, really pretty, nicely dressed, the barista virtually frothing more than the coffee machine was, and then he saw my face.

I had make up on, decently put on make up, my hair is okay, shiny and straight, i was smartly dressed, but his face fell and even his tone of voice.

ok ok i get it, Im not pretty but dont make it so bloody obvious.
I get that a lot.

even if im in a queue behind someone not young/female/orange i still get that.

I kNOW i shouldnt let it get to me but it does.

but i suppose even if i was stunning looking the depression I Have would still spoil it for me.

thats the thing. i could win the lottery/Wimbledon/world cup/gold medal but nothing-NOTHING takes away this weight thats depression.

its a horrible thing to have day after day.

Im so sorry i sound so pathetic and pity-party.

marjproops Thu 21-Mar-13 21:00:36

the replies and support Im getting here are wonderful btw. thank you so much. i dont feel so alone.

thank you.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 21-Mar-13 21:54:10

I so know what you mean about having a bold 5 minutes. Keep an eye out for them, and don't let them pass you by.

sensesworkingovertime Sun 24-Mar-13 21:51:51

Marje, I know as well as anyone how difficult it can be to up your self esteem, esp when faced with people like the guy in the coffee shop. But it's my bet that you have got a twinkle in your eye that the 'lovely blonde' doesn't have because that can only come through with a personality. Sometimes people really stare at me and I think, wow this can be one of only 3 things, either I'm fascinating, very pretty or hideously ugly. Oh and people never EVER seem to forget my face, even if they've only seen me once! This gives me a bit of a complex.

I am sending you a big hug over the airwaves...or whatever the technology is...!

marjproops Mon 25-Mar-13 16:44:36

thank you. I did once say to a group of schoolboys 'actually im usually gorgeous, im just having a day off' but stll didnt make me feel better and they just mocked all the more.

also, justt this morning, in my bank, tring to setup a standing order for this flippin bedroom tax, the woman there speaking to me as if i was a dunce.

in the end i said'excuse me, do you mean to be so patronising? I know squat about banking, i just have my money here, you're the expert but dont speak to me like im a child please. now, if YOU want advice about disabled children and living with chronic pain, then Im quite happy to advise YOU, as I am an expert in THAT.'. then i walked (or hobbled) out of the bank, leaving them all widemouthed.

Im NEVER confrontational, but Ive had a terrible weekend, in a lot of physical pain, and mental pain and just snapped.

for flips sake, its something every single day. seriously, i just cannot enjoy life for a second. thats why i mn a lot in my evenings, let off steam, try and have a bit of a laugh on other forums like Chat and stuff, but it comes back to bite me.

Thank you for the hug, DC gives me hugs all the time but today shes been screaming at me 'i hate you i hate you' becaude of out current circumstances. she doesnt understand,I know its not ME she hates, its the circumstances, but mummys supposed to have the answers and mummy cant do any more than shes doing.

so really appreciate your hug, senses btw love the name, XTC fan by any chance?

marjproops Mon 25-Mar-13 21:05:08

Think Im going to have to namechange soon, been Marj for ages and I think (this thread ok) Im too honest for my own good

, 1)for fear of being outed one of these days (i know people on mn)
and 2)

sometimes I dont explain things the right way and some other forums on mn are brutal and i even feel a bit bullied on them-prob my fault for not 'talking' properly. were asked for opinions and then people dont like them? or if Ive started a thread somewhere and inadvertantly said the wrong thing. (happening right now somewhere)

Ill just stick to either general stuff and not even mention DCs gender/age, our circumstances and not share so much.

Im lonely and need friends and as i dont have a social life as such i go on mn.

ill prob give myself away after a while but ill have to be less honest about myself and just not go deep into things.

so thank you again for all your support, I really do appreciate it. Im even ugly on forums and thats being unseen!

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 25-Mar-13 21:51:04

marj do you realise how truly amazing you are for standing up to the bank on your own behalf (and, when you think about it, on behalf of many,many others). thanks

99problems Mon 25-Mar-13 22:07:07

Hi, not read the whole thread so sorry if someone has already mentioned this but have you considered you may have Body Dysmorphic Disorder? Google it, basically the way an anorexic person sees themselves as fat no matter what, someone with BDD sees themselves as ugly. You may think, "but I am just ugly"... That may still be BDD.

I have BDD, have had plastic surgery aged 18, sought help, had CBT. It helped for a while, and when I feel myself 'slipping' into old way of thinking ("I'm hideous/most unattractive person in the whole" etc) I look through the techniques I learned in CBT again.

Just a thought anyway, hope you are feeling better.

marjproops Tue 26-Mar-13 16:59:54

99 its not just that I know Im ugly its a fact as I have it said/spat/insulted to me frequently, and have ahad all my life.

If I was fat (im not slim nut im not obese) people would say 'you're fat'.

so really, seriously, I AM ugly, not just a self-analysis, but from many many other people.

If I wasnt they wouldnt be saying it?

Hope you are okay now 99

Thanx silver i actually felt a bit good about it!

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 26-Mar-13 17:54:43

I have a dear friend who I suppose could be called ugly, in the usual meaning of the word. But she doesn't look ugly to anyone who knows her, or even to those who have only seen her reading her poetry. She looks like Herself, iyswim smile

sensesworkingovertime Wed 27-Mar-13 16:21:00

Yes Marj, big time, still think I'm 16! (in answer to your last question).

I was inwardly shouting 'Go Marj, go Marj' whilst punching fist in the air when I read you Tale of the Bank. If you ask me there are people out there who speak to anyone like this (ie as if you're about 5 and thick as two short planks) no matter what they look like. It's the way they are, poor them I say, going through life in such a patronising way. Hopefully you have given the dozy bint something to think about.

I know what you mean about the name change, I once nearly started a riot/lynch mob on here, it was truly awful, but there must be people with similar circumstances to you though so have a think, I don't want you to lose any of the support/friendship you have been getting.

Marj, just a thought, some women think George Clooney is GORGEOUS, some don't, he does zilch for me personally. There is no standard for attractive. Don't let the opinions of these nasty people you have encountered matter to you, they are stupid, they are ugly to the core if they can do stuff like this to you.

marjproops Wed 27-Mar-13 17:38:53

Okay XTC girl (!) Ill stayy Marj for now, just for you! Id probably wouldnt fool anyone anyway, my writing style and stuff. Id prob say the' poster formerly known as...'and thanx for the 'bank' support.

Im not taking any notice now of the misenterpreted slight flaming on mn, i tried to explain myself, not everyone speaks perfect English and can express themselves accordingly. sometimes i might not agree with someone but i wont be nasty to them.

Clooney does zilch for me too btw but he doesnt to many. i do zilch to everyone except DC!!

my rare boldness gone again, getting the council now on me as THEY mucked up and sent me council tax/bedroom tax form right at last minute, offices and banks closed over easter and 1st payments wont be able to go out on 1st/2nd april, i called them today (and i have a phone phobia) and broke down as they said id be fined for arrears.

i said 'you cant do that, you sent me things too late, i have a disabled child and her needs come before everything else, and if she cant go out due to her meltdowns i cant be going to the bank can i anyweay...etc etc'' nothing.

i said in an earlier post here i try to take 20 mins or so at a time and try and get through that, but its getting to be every 5 mins atm.

sensesworkingovertime Fri 29-Mar-13 12:24:06

Marj honey, (please take my pet names as meant well, not patronising!) I'm not quite sure what you meant by last sentence, sorry, perhaps something I missed in an earlier thread?

Sorry to hear you are having so much bother with the council. For what it's worth I have learnt from my many battles with 'authority' figures that sometimes you find that you are unfortunately dealing with one particular idiot. You may be able to ring up on a different day and ask to speak to a different person, maybe even someone senior/the manger and if you explain things to them reasonably they may take a different slant on it. If you know it is not your fault, due to late sent letters and Bank Holidays then tell them plainly, simple, firmly, try to stay calm. Write down beforehand exactly what you want to say, I do this so I don't forget anything during a potentially difficult conversation. You may get a surprise. Also you could try Citizens Advice?

I feel very fed up at times, due to my circumstances but I don't want to go into that here and now. I'm looking outside and just thinking 'it's nice to see some sunshine for a change....even though it is still freezing'. Hope you can find something today to make you feel better. I have no idea how to do the smiley faces and stuff on MN otherwise I would put one in!

marjproops Fri 29-Mar-13 17:50:10

senses last sentence meant that when people say take one day at a time? I said in an earlier post I cant take a day, i could take 20 mins at a time but it gets less and less each day.

today, ive not had any really major reasons to be down yet i am, the feeling like im strapped ina straightjacket and i cant break free. tied hair back as it felt it was sticking to me, put on loose clothing, etc but still that awful trapped feeling. i mean, cant do any council stuff anyway as everythings shut so trying not to fret about that till next week.

about the emoticons- look below and if you are on keyboard go to the [ symbol next to the p letter. do [ word like 'smile' thats in smileys list below, and then]on next key to close it. that creates an emoticon. smile.

sensesworkingovertime Fri 29-Mar-13 19:19:20

smile brew biscuit flowers

sensesworkingovertime Fri 29-Mar-13 19:23:47

weheyyyy, thanks Marj, I have been wondering for ages, now you have enlightened me!

(By the way you do express yourself well, you write well on MN anyway).
smile, watch me get carried away smile

sensesworkingovertime Fri 29-Mar-13 19:28:54

I hope you start to get rid of that feeling, it must be unpleasant. And yes, try to put council out of your mind if you can, for now.

It is good advice to live for now, on the whole, too many people worry about next week, next month, next year etc etc and they miss out on now and you can only concentrate on how you are feeling now,not next year, if that makes sense. Now going to have a brew and biscuit and if there was a little symbol for Coronation Street ( perhaps a few cobbles), I would put that in!

marjproops Fri 29-Mar-13 19:54:54

ah, you worked out the emoticons wink!

you know i didnt know until it was on a thread somewhere else and some savvy mns took us through the process.

it silly but little victories like working out emoticons do me the world of good, i feel ive acheived something!

sensesworkingovertime Fri 29-Mar-13 20:06:10

I wink know smile what smile you wink mean's the little things that keep you going smile.

marjproops Fri 29-Mar-13 20:29:08

here, for you, and all of you for your support thanks

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 29-Mar-13 21:27:36

And atm you can do Easter Bunny Smilies grin

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