Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

OMG i've had enough.....

(49 Posts)
PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 18:43:15

everyone around me is treating me like shite, all day today I've been reliving the horrible sexual abuse from my childhood. they just don't understand it's not under my control or I would just push the off button & live happily for the rest of my life

they keep saying we are trying to help you.but your not trying hard enough to forget about it. FFS what do they want me to do get a brain transplant or something. I got fed up earlier & said this to them. now they are not speaking to me! yday one of them told me to take a sleeping pill & go to bed because they did not want to hear my rant sad

for the first time since I had my breakdown I feel like a stranger in my own home sad I'm just sat here crying my eyes out & thinking of possible ways to end my life!

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 18:45:30

Oh poor you. When I'm ill, I get dreadful obsessive thoughts and you're absolutely right that its so difficult to get out of the thought cycle once it starts. The problem is that if you've never been through it, you just don't appreciate how hard it is to deal with and how you can't just turn it off.

Is the breakdown a recent thing? Are you getting any help for it from anywhere other than your family?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 18:49:51

yes breakdown was very recent. I'm seeing a psychiatrist every week. waiting for a cmht appointment now. I'm on quite a few meds aswell.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 18:51:16

Are you getting any support from your DR? counselling? Someone who you can offload all this onto that isn't close to you? It must be heartbreaking for your family and frustrating because they can't help - it may be why they appear not to have any patience, they just dont know what to say to make it go away. When someone is trained they can help you to sort your own head out because only you really know how you feel, you just need guidance to help put your feelings in order. I am sorry your family are not sympathetic, it must be tough.

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 18:55:12

My psych was quite keen to get DH to come along to some of my appointments at first so they could listen to professional advice as well. You sound so fragile. Its hard for families to understand, but its not an excuse not to support you.

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 18:57:23

I think ur right Lucy they must feel frustrated they can't help me & of course it comes across to me as them being unsympathetic. now more then ever I think I would have been better off in hospital. they only allowed me to come home because my family said they handle it & now I'm seeing the opposite sad I dont know whether I should just ring up the crisis team & get myself admitted.

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:01:17

babyheave my psych did the same in the beginning & I really did think they understood but today I feel as if all of that was for nothing. I feel soooo let down sad

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 19:04:04

Can you call your emergency team anyway? Just for someone to talk to? Tell them you don't feel safe if you don't. Your family love you and need you - you have to do what you need to do to get well. xx

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:20:16

I don't think I'll even be able to get any words out! I just wanna curl up & forget about everything & shut down....

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 19:28:25

Can you do that tonight? have a bath? go to bed, maybe with a book if you like to read, take a sleeping tablet and just switch off? I do this sometimes - it helps (my issues aren't as bad as yours but i know all too well about depression and anxiety and how you just want to shut everything out) What medication are you on just now?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:56:36

I'm on so many quetiapine, venlafaxine, pregabalin, lanzoprazole, naproxen, senna tabs, zopiclone.

all day I'm just popping pills sad

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 19:57:28

oh forgot tramadol 50mg (6 times a day).........

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 20:17:49

Thats one hell of a list.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:20:10

Why are you on the tramadol? Thats an industrial strength painkiller

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 20:23:08

my left side was give up now it is so painful to move my left arm or leg. the Damn pain starts from head & goes all the way down my left side. I'm in constant pain & the pain killers don't touch it. the only time I've been having any relief is when im asleep after taking a zopiclone.... waiting for a neurologist appt to work out what the hell is going on.

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 20:28:17

Lucy I got a damaged/slipped disc so a lot of mobility problems plus joint pains (some sort of arthritis) plus dangerously low vit D & now this mental health issues.I've been on tramadol for about 3 years now.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:29:47

oh gosh, you poor thing - i really hope that they get to the bottom of that! A friend of mine had chronic debilitating pain that not even tramadol would touch - he now has a tens machine in his abdomen with a remote control unit - we call him the bionic man!

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 20:33:06

The pain itself would be enough to make you depressed, especially being on tramadol - i wish i could say something to help sad Have you tried any alternative/complimentary medicine for the pain?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 20:45:15

LOL @ Bionic man

I've tried her all stuff but I'm highly sensitive so had bad reactions to most whilst others didn't work sad

if even the neurologist don't work it out then that will confirmation I should just end it all. I can't continue living with this physical pain & mental pain, it's just too much!!!

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:01:59

My friend really thought he was going to have to live with pain for his whole life - the TENs machine means he doesn't even get a twinge. They never did get to the bottom of what was causing his pain. Please don't give up - you have to keep on trying because the next breakthrough in pain relief could be just around the corner.

Local to me there is a group called SHIP, self help in pain, for people with chronic pain. Is there anything like that local to you?

How many children do you have?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 21:08:27

no nothing like that local to me & I've got one DD (she is 2.5 years old).

I've been trying to fight it for the past 3 year's and it's days like these I wish I was dead as the pain both mental/physical is too much. of course when I try relaying this to my family it's like speaking to a brick wall.

IlianaDupree Sun 10-Mar-13 21:12:45

It's so difficult when you need to talk about these things and no one listens, I found journalling helps especially when the thoughts are horrendous and you know you can't say it out loud. Hopefully your psych team can help you with grounding techniques, these help you "come back" to the present out of the pain and really help.

For the physical pain, I have EDS, tens machines are great as is a very sympathetic physio, hopefully neurology can sort it out.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:18:32

I have struggled on and off with depression and anxiety for a while now, im going through a really tough time just now and am pretty doped (diazepam, citalopram and zopiclone). My DP, in the most, is pretty good, however if i even hint of any suicidal thoughts, self harm or self loathing he will instantly go all cold on me - he just can't deal with it and it makes him angry and frustrated. That doesn't help really, your feelings are your feelings and of course this is when we need more support, i think its so hard for loved ones to understand and deal with it. You sound so incredibly brave actually, you have come through so much and have a lovely little girl to live for - she loves you, you are the most important person in her life.

How long have you been home from the hospital?

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 21:27:25

llianadupree thanks for the tens machine suggestion. I've tried it & it has been no help.

Lucy I've been out of hospital about 4 weeks now. your meds sound pretty full on too. I completely understand about family not understanding SH/suicidal thoughts as mine do the same. It almost makes u feel guilty for even having such thoughts. but we shouldn't be made feel like that ee should be allowed to express our negative feelings aswell as the positive ones.

how r u coping with it all?

IlianaDupree Sun 10-Mar-13 21:42:10

Sorry it's been of no help.

Last time I felt suicidal I told eveyone and didn't care what they thought, some self harm techniques I was taught was to use an elastic band and ping it on my wrist, to wrap myself in a blanket and sip a cup of sugary tea or to stomp my feet on the ground. It's taken a few years of therapy and practise but it helps when no one else will listen.

You're lovely daughter is there for you.

Sorry for everyone else going through similar.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:46:03

I'm doing ok thanks, to be fair i don't have half of what you have to deal with - just a bloody stupid imbalance that means i dont cope well with stress. The meds are low dose and im only on the diazepam for a week (doctor wont give me anymore - cow!, those are the ones that are really working for me).

You shouldnt be hard on yourself, your MH issues are as much an issue as your physical ones, the problem is that the medical profession don't have such a handle on the brain as they do the rest of the body so its more hit and miss.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 21:48:12

Iliana - i can see how the elastic band will work, but the blanket and tea? eh???

IlianaDupree Sun 10-Mar-13 22:14:18

Sorry, it's a grounding technique for abuse survivors if the memories are bad. It's comforting so might work for pain too even if it's just 5mins rest.

For abuse stuff it's trying to keep yourself focused in the present. Sounds daft but works. Feel slightly embarassed now. Erm, wrapping yourself tightly in a nice soft blanket, feel the texture etc keep reminding yourself you're safe.

Sugary tea is for shock and holding it is to try and focus on the present again. Iyswim.

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 22:25:32

sad please don't be embarrased, now you have explained it it makes perfect sense - i didnt mean to sound disparaging at all. No one should have to feel scared because of what anotehr person has done angry

I see what you mean about the sugary tea (i take three grin) and the holding it.

IlianaDupree Sun 10-Mar-13 22:38:10

grin I'm addicted to tea now.

The NHS don't teach grounding techniques but they can help, they don't change what's happened but gives you back some control over what happened. It's difficult to do, to allow yourself to feel safe but can be a way to get those around you to be able to help. I have a teen so don't want to tell him things so say I'm feeling bad about my past fancy getting me a sugary tea, gives him some strength he can help.

Don't want to derail, hope you're feeling ok Pain.

PainForLife Sun 10-Mar-13 23:43:41

sorry folks had to get DD to bed.

I don't mind in the slightest if you want to talk about other techniques or even if u want to get something of your chest. feel free to rant away. I hope we can support each other. childhood sexual abuse is not an easy topic to talk about & only survivors really know truly how difficult day to day life can be! as a survivor I can say this is the first place I''ve talked about it apart from in an office with a psychiatris. this itself is a big achievement for me.

neway I've taken my zopiclone so I will wish u all a good night sleep. it's been a while since i've slept through the whole night without waking up scarred & shakey hoping to break out of that tonight. smile

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 23:47:17

have a good nights sleep and i hope you are feeling a bit more positive in the morning xxx

IlianaDupree Mon 11-Mar-13 08:06:18

Hope you're ok this morning Pain. Just take things day by day, hour by hour if you need to. Hope rl is a bit more supportive for you today too.

PainForLife Mon 11-Mar-13 11:46:36

good morning ladies smile
today seems to be a bit better. the good los cry last & ggetting some sleep has eased the pressure off the brain a bit. suicidal thoughts continue as do the horrible flashbacks. just sat in my & trying to numb the feelings. I'm really considering SH today but trying to concentrate on happy things to avoid those thoughts sad

family r being much better than yesterday& some of them have even apologized for being horrible yesterday. I guess its a new day so new beginnings n all that. see hw d day goes.

how r u guys doing today? hope better smile

IlianaDupree Mon 11-Mar-13 12:35:23

Hi, that's really good your family has apologised, a step in the right direction.

The charity MIND can help with a bit more support if you feel like it. The flashbacks are horrible, don't try to do too much and take it easy on yourself, you're doing so well to not let it win.

One thing survivors can find hard is self comforting so doing happy things is good.

PainForLife Mon 11-Mar-13 22:01:41

hi lliannaDupree,

yes it has been great to have the family on my side again. I'm disappointed in myself that today I have just been eating whatever is in my sight. over eating is a side effects of my medication so I'm hoping at my next appointment on weds the Dr can maybe change it to something else.

I have been trying to keep myself occupied all day with some success. if I don't fall asleep.naturally in the next hour then I'll be taking my sleeping tablet & go to bed.

hope your doing well today smile

IlianaDupree Tue 12-Mar-13 16:37:12

Hope you're ok today Pain, next time you see your gp can you ask if there are any local charities who may be able to help you?

PainForLife Tue 12-Mar-13 17:07:26

hi llianadupree

i've done the same as y'day just bee eating away all day. Feel very disgusted by myself because of it. just glad my apptwwith Dr is tomorrow & have a medication review. been so dizzy/drowsy all day so I've stayed in bed.

DD will be home from nursery any minute & I'm trying to stay awake so I don't miss her.

hw has ur day been?

IlianaDupree Tue 12-Mar-13 21:12:51

Ups and downs and all over the place, it often feels like I'm going nowhere or backwards but I can see improvement from a few years ago.

Don't feel disgusted with yourself, you're doing what you're doing to get through, talk to your gp for help and hopefully they can ease things for you.

Hope you stayed awake for your dd and get some good sleep tonight.

sleeton Thu 14-Mar-13 11:05:07

Hi all, I am so so sorry about what you are going through, PainForLife, sorry about anyone in similar situations.

I'm posting this to try and maybe explain how 'family members' feel and why they sometimes react badly.
I am the family of a person in a very similar situation to you. I guess you could say I'm the 'Primary Carer' and please believe me, families do care!
Sometimes we don't understand, sometimes we do understand but can't help or reach our loved one, sometimes we help, sometimes we make it worse. Mostly we don't often stop trying or caring.

Also sometimes ... (and please don't anyone be hurt or worried by this, I am just trying to explain why families behave this way, I wouldn't hurt any of you for the world) ... sometimes we get incredibly sad, weary, and think we - too - cannot do one more day of this.
We know, deep down, that we can and we will, we want 'you' to feel better and we won't leave you, but sometimes we get narky, frustrated; sometimes -even - really mean ... we're sorry.
Sometimes we're just plain selfish and want to yell "But what about me?".

Sometimes it's like depression is infectious. A reflective situation! (This time) I've been 'the family' of someone in this situation for an unrelenting four years now, and most days I cry, but the person I'm supporting doesn't know I do.

I'm sure your family love you, PainForLife, and desperately want to help you feel better. They just don't know how. I'm sure they don't mean to hurt you.

PainForLife Thu 14-Mar-13 12:30:41

sleeton thank you for the explanation. the funny thing is I agree with what you've said 100% & deep down I know my family love me & don't mean to upset me. I know it's tiring for them too (the constant trips to & from hospital). I absolutely acknowledge all their efforts but I just can't begin to explain to them how I feel. it really upsets me when they say things like "if you loved us you wouldn't let these thoughts take over". this makes me feel absolutely crap.

comfort eating had caused me to put on 10 kilos in the last two months. I now weigh 91kilos(the heaviest I've ever been). I hate myself for comfort eating but I can't help myself.

yesterday I had an appt with a neurologist who has diagnosed me now with fibromyalgia - so above everything else I've got this now sad

sleeton Fri 15-Mar-13 08:25:17

Hi, PainForLIfe, and I hope this is going to be an okay morning for you.

I know exactly what you mean and, the truth is, sometimes (though, not all the time) we know EXACTLY what we are saying!
Sometimes we use this kind of stuff almost as 'shock tactics' ... we will say absolutely ANYTHING to try and reach 'you', to try and bring about some change, any change.
Sometimes we say this kind of thing because it's exactly the way we feel at the time, we might be feeling a bit down, or anticipating some kind of 'trouble', or feeling a bit bereft, grieving for the person we know 'you' really are.
Sometimes we are frustrated and - as I said once before - just being mean .... sorry.

Truth is, we (in common with some of the biggest experts and best minds in the world) often don't know what to say and do for the best, and we will try ANYTHING!

Got to go to work, for now, but I'll be thinking about you (and about the person I support!!!).

IlianaDupree Fri 15-Mar-13 09:04:20

Thats sorry to hear Pain, hope they can do something to help now. Thinking of you

Sleeton, thanks for sharing. It's not fair on anyone is it.

PainForLife Fri 15-Mar-13 15:39:51

hi sleeton & llianadupree

it's such a miserable & cold day where the hell is beginning of summer & a bit of sunshine???

hope ur both having an alright day. I had quite a late night so have only just got out of bed. little one has been busy all day annoying the crap out of my parent's but they live it although they both look done in now! I've just had a nice cuppa with my fave choc digestive biscuits & yes I practically have eaten the whole pack. I figures I need the pick me up to keep up with my DD. Pain level wise everything is hurting like hell but that could also be because of the cold sad

I'm gonna drag myself out of bed now & give some attention to the bounce toddler screaming mummy!!!

PainForLife Sat 16-Mar-13 23:35:12

god these night sweats are killing me..... tonight's one is soooooo horrible!!!

sleeton Sun 17-Mar-13 10:01:06

Hi all,

I see you were having a very restless night last night PainForLife. Did you manage to get off to sleep, eventually?

I keep thinking about your posts and the mental and physical anguishes you face. They don't always separate into neat little lists, that can be dealt with individually and chronologically, do they?!!! (I'd insert a 'smile' in here, if I'd ever figured how to insert those 'face' things!).

I was also thinking about the 'grounding techniques' that IlianaDupree mentioned.
I think such techniques have a great deal of potential, but I also see (in my own family situation) that it takes a huge leap of faith to keep on persevering with 'stuff'. (Again speaking for my own family situation) sometimes it seems that it is preferable to stay in the hell 'you' are in, than go on and on persevering with thing that just might leave 'you' in a worse hell.
IYSWIM. There is that added fear, that can sometimes prevent someone moving on (or sideways) a stage.

Am I making sense? (Gosh, my rambling thought processes). That got me wondering, are you still receiving any counselling, or support group stuff, for the original abuse? Is there anyone there for you? I do hope so.

IlianaDupree, no, it's not fair on anyone ....... but ..... thank you so much. It makes it a bit better to know that others know that!

Hope everyone has as good a day as they can.

IlianaDupree Sun 17-Mar-13 18:09:09

Hope you're getting through ok Pain, have you thought of contacting rape crisis to see if they can help you a bit? apols if you already have.

Sleeton, my only family support has been my child so it's good to hear how much supporters do care. We don't have an option to walk away from it, you do yet you haven't. The grounding techniques are an alternative tool to drugs and alcohol to "get through stuff" they've helped me and give cues that I'm upset to others. It hasn't damaged me, it's provided safety.

PainForLife Sat 23-Mar-13 18:29:15

hi all,
sorry been very poorly for a few days hence not been on here much. just wanna say I may not reply for a while but I do read comments posted on here so any1 want to come on & moan then pls moan away.

hope every1's weekend had started well smile

PainForLife Mon 08-Apr-13 00:52:41

feeling restless tonight sad nerve pain is awful even after taking the medication. will need to take a zopiclone tonight!!!

hw are u all doing???

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now