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Years of depression and anxiety

(92 Posts)
OhBlardyHell Wed 06-Mar-13 11:50:35

Hi all. I've name changed as people on mn know me in rl. I'm not even sure what I want to get out of posting here, I think it's just a way of trying to make sure I don't back out of finally going to the Dr about it!

I've had depression pretty much constantly since I was about 11yo (younger I think, but it seems impossible to be depressed so young), I'm now 25 and have finally decided to get a grip of my life. Better late than never ay? I have 2 children, a 3yo and a 1yo.
Things got really bad after having DC1, I suffered greatly with PND, I hardly remember the first 2 years of his life, it's just a blur of misery really. Things improved for a while, then we had DC2 and things got bad again. Not as bad this time; I talked to DH and a few friends who were really helpful and kept me from slipping as low as I previously had with DC1.
But I'm not right still and I'm not talking to people anymore. I'm not giving my children the mother they deserve. I'm not able to enjoy them, I struggle with the physical contact they need, I mostly give them as much as they want but by the time I get to bed at night I have to push my husband away as I just can't bare it anymore and need the physical space. I struggle even getting out of the house most days, I suffer badly with anxiety, I have to build myself up to just make a phone call. My life is just a case of making it through the day.
I've never written it all down before, it's difficult, I feel so awful for my children.

I'm going to go and register with a GP when DC2 wakes up (we recently moved house) and book an appointment. I've had enough of this, my family deserves a better mother/wife and I deserve to feel happy ... or at least not miserable.
I'm worried about the appointment though, I don't have anyone who can look after the children, DH wouldn't be able to take time off work for it. DC2 is fine blowing raspberries on my lap but DC1 is almost 4 and I'm worried that it would be inappropriate for him to be there?

My heart is racing just thinking about going to the GP surgery! blush

Hello Ohblardyhell. I just wanted to say good for you for facing up to your situation and starting to tackle it. It sounds like you've had a really tough time- and continue to do so - so it sounds like you're doing exactly the right thing starting with your GP. I understand your anxiety about taking the kids - I often have same challenge. I guess if you've just moved your DC2 isn't going to pre-school or nursery or anything? If your DH can't take time off then it is OK to take the kids with you. If there are things you don't want to say in front of DC, then write them down (or print out your post) so you don't have to. Alternative is a kids game on a smartphone if you have one (my DS4 loves them...) as a distraction, or depending on your budget a new little toy/book distraction. Have to go out now, so sorry this is brief, but really wanted to give you some support. Good luck with the call and take care.

OhBlardyHell Wed 06-Mar-13 12:32:49

Thanks Colouring, I was thinking of distraction tactics too but was getting paranoid that it's really Bad to take children to appointments like that. Sometimes a bit of perspective is needed! I might try writing some things down too though, I tend to get flustered and struggle to vocalise things.

DC2 is still asleep, I'd really built myself up to going and now I'm still stuck here with loads of nervous energy!

OhBlardyHell Wed 06-Mar-13 12:37:00

Damn, surgery's closed until 3pm now.

Pain! I'm hoping you can call this pm. I found it helpful to write things down (had docs appt this morn too) and it did help me say the important stuff. I think distraction tactics would be fine x. Good luck.

OhBlardyHell Wed 06-Mar-13 17:19:19

Thank you smile I got down there an it was totally heaving, grumpy woman behind the desk, couldn't deal with it so I got the registration forms and came home to fill them out. Bit of a cop out.
I'm going to get down there earlier tomorrow to hand them in and see when I can get an appointment.

Well done smile that sounds like a good start esp with a grumpy woman about! Hope its quieter tomorrow and you get that appointment in the diary. All the best.

MillyMollyMandy78 Wed 06-Mar-13 18:05:57

Hi BlardyHell, I just wanted to say well done for facing up to your problems - I know how difficult that can be. Well done for deciding to go to the doctors - It can be a difficult step to take. You will be fine tho - I actually work in a surgery myself (husband is a GP). Sadly, it is something doctors see on a daily basis. Is it a big surgery? In our practice, the receptionists are delighted to entertain a little one, while their mums go in, if needed. Perhaps that is an option? If not, perhaps a colouring book - I'm sure your 4 year old would be more interested on that than listening to 'boring adult' conversations. I agree that writing things down could help to get your thoughts straight.
Will be thinking of you tomorrow. Take care

OhBlardyHell Thu 07-Mar-13 09:46:03

Oh thank you both, this is really helping! Milly it's great to have a bit of inside info, I'm rubbish at going to the doctors.

I've told DC1 we're going back today so that I can't back out, I really really want to but I won't let him down - the little oddie likes it there! Just waiting on DC2 to wake up, she's a lazy thing when it's not midnight!

I understand. I've had depression since I was about 15. Had terrible PND immediately after DS1 was born. It's come on more gradually after DS2 but things got to crisis point on Monday (see my thread on here). I've seen the GP & am getting my meds changed, support from a CPN, HV & my family have been great. I already feel better knowing that I've done something about making it better, it's given me some control over the situation.

Please see your GP. Hope you get there today.

OhBlardyHell Thu 07-Mar-13 11:32:37

Thank you Mrs, I will have a look later on when I can sit down properly.

I've just got back, have registered and will be able to make an appointment on Monday. I'm scared but feeling positive, like you say, it's good that we're making steps to improve our lives.

I didn't mean it as an order, more that I've posted on here a lot! Hope things go well on Monday. PM me if there's anything I can do, we're all in this together!

dumaurier Thu 07-Mar-13 12:16:22

You're doing the right thing,Blardy.Sad that you have suffered with depression for so long,but it's important to look forward and (sounds cheesy)start the changes now.If it's really difficult for you to get to GP with kids,perhaps you could arrange phone appt.although it may be better to speak face to face.Really wish you well for Monday.

Hi Blardyhell, great to hear you got registered and are soon able to make an appointment. My DCs used to love going to the Docs too as they had a big box of toys there... I would say face to face is best if you can manage it - the Doc gets more non verbal communication which I think is impt... Hope your afternoon's gone OK too. Take care.

Unfortunatlyanxious Thu 07-Mar-13 19:05:41

I'm really glad your taking steps to getting better, just be totally honest with them. Anxiety is awful I have it so know the want to be away don't touch me feelings. Good luck.

OhBlardyHell Thu 07-Mar-13 19:38:20

Just shouted at DC1. Completely over reacted because he wouldn't tidy up his bedroom. I feel awful sad
I've had to come and shut myself in my bedroom, it was either that or walk out the house. I want to cry but feel like I'll never stop.

MechanicalTheatre Thu 07-Mar-13 19:44:15

I can relate, I have had depression since a young age too.

I decided I needed to get a grip and see my GP too. Very glad I went and am finally ready to get better after a lot of failed attempts.

If you are finding it hard to talk or to explain everything that's bothering you, why not write a list and hand it to your doctor? Sometimes I find that easier.

I know it's hard, but try not to worry about shouting at your son. Cool down for a bit, then go and apologise. Be kind to yourself.

It's not good not to cry if you need to though. Can you sit quietly for 5 mins? Sometimes it helps (I've locked myself in the loo after a meltdown just for some peace). I would say don't be too hard on yourself but I know it's impossible not to!

OhBlardyHell Thu 07-Mar-13 20:05:11

Thank you. I've calmed down, had 5 minutes in the bedroom (didn't cry though) and went to make amends with DS. He's asleep snuggled up with his teddy and I feel like the worst mother in the world. Again. I
keep telling myself it's the depression, not me, but that doesn't make any difference to the kids. Going to call and try to get a GP appointment tomorrow, can't go on like this.

Hope you get an appointment tomorrow. You can't be the worst mother ever, that's me.

OhBlardyHell Fri 08-Mar-13 09:13:50

Just called for an appointment (was shitting it!) and nothing available this morning so have to call back at 3 to try for an evening one.
So now I'm going to try and put it all down in writing, don't know where to start! I've never been fully honest about it all.

OhBlardyHell Fri 08-Mar-13 11:50:42

So far I have:

'I get no joy out of life.
-no interest in past hobbies, music etc
-I'm constantly acting at being happy, even with my my children.

I struggle with physical contact.

I suffer badly with anxiety when going out and making phone calls.

Very little patience, get very agitated.

No energy, the smallest of tasks are exhausting.
-I always feel like I need more sleep.
- Insomnia.

I find it difficult to focus, I can't concentrate on tasks or conversations well and struggle with memory.'

I'm struggling to find the words, can only manage this unemotional list and there's loads more that I just can't get into words.
I tried talking to DH about it last night but I just can't let go, I feel like if I do I'm going to lose it. Like holding back is holding myself together. Maybe I should add that to the list...

Hi Blardyhell that sounds like a good list (by which I mean comprehensive and clear, not nice) so don't worry if you don't add much too it - but yes do say about feeling like you can't hold it together much longer. Hope you had more success getting an appointment this afternoon and best of luck x.

OhBlardyHell Fri 08-Mar-13 15:32:34

Thank you Colouring. I have an appointment for 5pm. I'm trembling. Really bloody scared.

Nipitinthebud Fri 08-Mar-13 15:47:08

Good luck blardy. You're doing the right thing. Your description of yourself sounds so familiar but there really is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm almost evangelical about how amazing antidepressants can be - was like waking up from a horrible nightmare all refreshed,happy and with batteries recharged. Cbt also v good for anxiety. Will be sending you vibes of strength for the dr's appt at 5pm!

nowflourish Fri 08-Mar-13 17:31:26

What you write is a perfect description of classic depression and helpful for your GP. I'd suggest you always try to get a double appointment (yes, you can ask for one!) or a last appointment of the day so you have time to talk properly (some surgeries better than others in allowing more time). I'd also like to remind you that the illness isn't you and that you are not the illness. It's the illness that's the problem and not you not being good enough for your family. You've been through the mill, but with the right support, you can climb out of the hole you've fallen into. I would suggest a multiple-pronged approach with some decent meds from the GP, some good relaxation treatment/classes and some work on rebuilding your life slowly by carving out some time for something you used to enjoy - re-connecting with friends, walk and pub lunch with partner, for example. It won't all happen at once but some guidance - in the form of regular contact with a professional who can monitor how you're getting on and give you sensible direction - will be better than going it alone and hoping you can just continue to haul yourself along every day. It's truly debilitating and I hope you have some success with a really empathetic GP.

Hear hear what nowflourish said. (Love the name btw)
How did you get on?

OhBlardyHell Fri 08-Mar-13 19:01:50

Thank you all so much! What lovely messages to sit down to smile

GP was lovely, I did the questionnaire thingy and came back with a score of 22, so not great but could be worse.
She's prescribed 20mg Fluoxetine with a follow up appointment in a month's time to see how I'm getting on.
We talked about therapy, she's sure it will be good for me but we've agreed to wait for the next appointment to go over that more because I'm just not ready to talk it all out yet, as soon as I start I just cry - massive thank you for the suggestions to write it all down, I would have been stuffed without that!

I'm totally drained and DH is working late tonight and tomorrow so I'm currently letting the children destroy the house have some free play wink

Oh that's great BlardyHell grin I'm also on fluoxetine. I also think that's good advice re: therapy, give the ADs a chance to kick in a bit first.
Free play sounds like a very good plan. My DD was off sick today so she watched wall to wall educational programmes cbeebies.
Well done and hope you get to put your feet up soon x

OhBlardyHell Fri 08-Mar-13 21:33:57

God bless CBeebies! grin
My lovely husband is back now and has sent me for a bath to relax whilst he deals with our night owl of a daughter.

NappyHappy Fri 08-Mar-13 21:45:17

Excellent stuff Blardy for going to the GP and getting it all out smile . That I found was the worst bit and I wrote it down too or I would cry if I had to verbally tell her. I had to take all the boys (4yr, 17m and 6m) with me too but chocolate buttons saved the day! <bad mother> Sounds like a few of us started with depression at an early age, think I was 14.

Do you feel better for going?

OhBlardyHell Sat 09-Mar-13 09:45:43

Oh thanks Nappy! I was the same, cried every time I tried to talk about it. I'm hoping the the AD's can help settle me a bit so I can actually start to off load properly.
Bad mother my butt! That must have been hard!

I do feel better for going, really drained but positive. Took my first tablet this morning, felt like I should have had some dramatic music playing in the background grin

NappyHappy Sat 09-Mar-13 10:23:13

You should reenact in the morning wink

I'm used to dragging the heard about with me confused I can often be heard shouting repeating myself to ds1 to hurry up.

Have you ever been for a psychological assessment?

Standing outside the house for 5 mins is always good.

Hi Blardyhell well done on getting started - hope you feel good for taking positive action and your weekend is OK.

OhBlardyHell Sat 09-Mar-13 17:50:59

Haha Nappy! grin

No, no psychological assessment, this is the first time I've ever spoken to a professional of any description about it.

We've just moved to a place with a garden, we've never had one before and it's so lovely being able to get outside every day regardless of whether I feel up to seeing other people or not.

Thank you Colouring, I'm feeling good about getting started. The kids are being... difficult today though and DH is at work until late again so I'm getting pretty edgy, back out into the garden for a bit I think!

OhBlardyHell Sat 09-Mar-13 18:21:23

Well that didn't work... confused
It's times like this I really wish I had family around to take the pressure off a bit.

NappyHappy Sat 09-Mar-13 20:21:10

I felt like that before, both babes screaming. How far away are your family?

Colouring, Cbeebies does seem to keep them quiet for a while! The Mothers helper wink

OhBlardyHell Sat 09-Mar-13 21:08:46

Family are in N.Wales and I'm in Sussex. I get irrationally annoyed when I hear people complaining that their family won't baby sit for them as often as they want!

They'd already watched Peter Pan and I didn't even think of colouring in or similar confused oh well, DH is home now and both kids in bed for now so hopefully that's today done.

pixwix Sat 09-Mar-13 21:54:10

Oh blardy hell I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment - but you are doing amazingly well. You spotted you weren't feeling great, and took steps to deal with it. You sound like a lovely conscientious mother, although you don't feel it right now, but it really comes across in your thread.

By now you will have built up a bank of emotional love, goodwill, and security with your children, so they will be fine, even though you don't feel fine yourself. Part of depression is feeling that you aren't 'doing things right' or doing a good enough job - but to me, it sounds like despite not being well, you are doing a great job!

When you are depressed, it can be difficult to feel emotionally connected to people, because you are struggling so much just to function. Thats where all your energy is needed at the moment. That will come back as the depression lifts.

Well done for seeking help!! But go very easy on yourself - if it means microwave meals, and wall to wall cbeebies for a while - don't beat yourself up about it - cut down on the other stuff to help you get through for now, just make life as easy for yourself as you can (which sounds trite cos it ain't that easy!)

Keep talking - and well done you! xx

NappyHappy Sun 10-Mar-13 11:11:07

How are you feeling today?

Pixwix is right, everything in the last post.

How long have you been in Sussex?

OhBlardyHell Sun 10-Mar-13 13:32:53

Thank you so much! I appreciate all of your kind words and support so much, you lovely lot!

Feeling really tired today, slept most of the morning. DH is taking the kids to see his dad soon so I will have a few hours of peace and quiet. Feels bad that on Mother's Day my one wish is to be child free (not permanently of course!).

I've been in Sussex for 7 years now Nappy.

Just PM'd you Blardy but I too want to be child free today & feel awful about it.

OhBlardyHell Sun 10-Mar-13 14:38:23

Sorry to hear that Mrs, it's a constant stream of guilt isn't it? Are you doing anything special today? Is there any way you could get some time to yourself?

working9while5 Sun 10-Mar-13 15:18:08

Have you considered mindfulness based cognitive therapy? It has a good research base for recurrent depression and is recommended by NICE. ACT or acceptance and commitment therapy also good?

My app isn't letting me reply to PMs at the moment so bear with me! Yes the guilt is awful, plus the fact that DH is decorating so I'm on my own with both boys. We're currently watching Monsters Inc (which we all know by heart now!). Had a nice lie in though but no chance of alone time now I'm up.

OhBlardyHell Sun 10-Mar-13 18:17:23

Thanks for that Working, I talked about it with my GP but I don't really feel up to it at the moment so we're going to talk about it again at the next appointment. I will look into those you've suggested though thank you.

Mrs, I hope your day has been ok?

Nope day has been pretty rubbish. Ended up in tears thinking I should never have had kids. I'd give anything just to check into a hotel for a few days on my own. I'm debating asking my mum to come over & stay for a bit as I'm just not coping. But very up & down & maybe tomorrow will be better.

OhBlardyHell Sun 10-Mar-13 19:58:00

Oh Mrs I'm so sorry to hear that. I honestly feel the same way really often so you are not alone, it can get so overwhelming. I think asking your mum for some help is a great idea, you're not well and you need all the support you can get right now. Be kind to yourself.

Hi everyone,
just wanted to send {{{hugs}}} to everyone. I think mothers day is a tough day when you're depressed. It focuses the mind too much. MrsH the hotel thing sounds like paradise. I need to talk to DH about a plan for the next few days - can't do it on my own (had a v bad eve yest). Blardy glad you got some peace and quiet. Hope everyone has their feet up now, take care x

NappyHappy Mon 11-Mar-13 15:45:27

sad Hels. How are you today? I want to vanish off on my own too for a couple of days, but that'll never happen. Have you spoke to your Mum yet?

My Mothers Day was a poor one too. Still did everything I do everyday whilst DH sat on the sofa or upstairs on the PS3.

Are you OK too Blardy?

Hugs all round today I think?

Just got back from the doctor. She's said I can l overlap my ADs & also said I should get my mum over, so my mum is arriving on Friday.

NappyHappy Mon 11-Mar-13 20:30:45

That's great stuff, will you get chance to get out the house or stay in your bedroom for a few hours whilst she's there? How old are your DC's?

Have you changed AD's?

OhBlardyHell Tue 12-Mar-13 00:16:31

Sorry just a quick post before bed, have been really wiped out the last couple of days, today hasn't been too bad mood wise though.

Really glad to hear that Mrs! That's a really positive step. I will reply to your pm tomorrow, sorry I've not done it today, had a lot to do.

Don't fret yourself about replying to me Blardy, just worry about getting yourself well.

Sorry that sounds a little patronising, it's not meant to.

hi Mrs, blardy, nappy,
glad to hear your mums coming over Mrs. Sometimes we do need that extra help. As my GP said to me yest, don't worry you can return the favour when they're really old wink I'm pretty rubbish at the mo. My DP has gone to scotland for 3 days despite me being desparately depressed sat night. So my dad came over yest, is coming back today. My sister slept over last night. I had a ask a friend to do the school run with me - I hate having to ask for all this help too but I can't do this on my own.
Hope everyone else is hanging in there x

DH has stayed home from work today as the snow is bad & no-one else can get here to help out, I feel like such a failure hmm

Hang in there Mrs and just get through the day. You're not a failure, you're poorly, take care x

NappyHappy Tue 12-Mar-13 22:19:37

You are not a failure Mrs. Have you had some time on your own today at all? Do you write anything down when you're not well?

Hey Coloring, your GP sounds fab! Who is with you now?

Both call in favours off whoever you can. Its good you have support who will help.

I've been waiting 6 weeks plus now for my assessment appointment, have any of you had one? I'm a terrible skin picker and my hands look like a builders from it.

How are you Blardy?

OhBlardyHell Tue 12-Mar-13 23:07:05

I'm doing quite well thank you, not sure if its the ADs it just a good couple if days but I've been less anxious and tearful which is nice. By no means myself but a small improvement. smile Had DH home today because of the snow too, was really lovely.

That's really great that you've got so much support Colouring and well done for asking for help, it's really not easy. Sorry your DP is away, is it for work?

Mrs, hang in there, you are doing everything you can to help yourself, it'd bloody difficult and takes time but you're doing it and you will get there.

Nappy, my husband does that too, goes right thorough me! grin
I've not had an assessment, that's an awfully long time to be waiting though! Could you chase it up?

NappyHappy Wed 13-Mar-13 16:26:46

That's ace you are feeling a bit better. I've go it to tho back to the Dr's in 2 weeks so if I've not heard by then I'll chase it up.

Not having a great day today. Feeling really worn out. All boys woke last night so I was up with them all and the 2 babies are getting very clingy it is suffocating.

DH is in a huff as ds2 has got a bump and a graze on his head from falling over outside. It was his first proper walk outside FFS. Then when I got back ds3 had woken apparently the second I went out the door so double huff. As if he ever has to do anything.

Yeah, I can't help the skin picking thing, I've been doing it for years but its getting worse.

Hi Blardy, Nappy and Mrs,
Nappy - that sounds exhausting and I sympathise with that suffocating feeling - sometimes you can feel like you haven't got much left to give can't you? Hope you have a better night tonight. I haven't had an assessment myself, but surely nothing to loose asking if they've had any cancellations or anything?
Blardy - great to hear you've had a slight improvement. Yes my husband has gone away with work (the same work who are making him redundant). I am quite angry and hurt tbh as I was desparately depressed sat, and also him going away seems to have sent my anxiety through the roof. I told him Mon I was upset and he told me he needed a couple of days away to clear his head hmm
Mrs - how are you doing today?
Thanks everyone for your support - it helps a lot. I have had a better day today. GP gave me some additional meds yest - trazodone I think its called - an anti depression/anti-anxiety thing which is also sedating. So I slept like a log. Fortunately my sister was here to help get the kids ready for school as I wasn't quite with it. Went back to bed after they'd gone and woke at 12.20! Afternoon much better than yest and calmer which is nice. Going to try taking this new med a bit earlier tonight in the hope I won't be quite as zonked tomorrow morning!
Take care everyone x

NappyHappy Wed 13-Mar-13 21:04:12

It is but what makes things worse is DH has Spinal Stenosis and is in chronic pain with it and I need to get into my head that it is debilitating and he's not making it up to get out of stuff.

I'm on Sertraline and felt like a zombie for the first week or so and they're taking the edge off the bad days a bit but when I'm on a good day I get a bit hyper hmm confused

Let's hope everyone's meds new or old help.

Its great you lot are here too, RL strangers that we can vent at on here.

Are you local Colouring? I'm in Manchester.

Is everyone feeling any different to yesterday?

Hi Nappy, sadly not - Bucks. That sounds tough re: your DH and chronic pain - tough for the both of you. I was very interested in what you said about Sertraline. My DH has been on it since September (was severely depressed for lost of last year) and over the last month I have felt that he is sometimes hyper - but given how depressed I have been, I'm not quite sure about my judgement, he could just be happy but its in such contrast to me? He was made redundant last week and has been v excitedly planning freelance career, but this hyper worry and last years experience makes me v nervous...

Completely agree about this thread grin x

Fishandjam Wed 13-Mar-13 21:14:39

Can I join in here? Just scored 26 on the depression assessment thingy, and have started sertraline today. It's been so reassuring to see this thread in Active, to read it and realise I'm not alone. (Thought about namechanging but decided I'd rather be open about it - to the extent that anyone in RL who knows my username cares enough to stalk me on MN!)

Hope everyone had an ok day today.

run4it Wed 13-Mar-13 21:19:58

I've had depression from a young age as well. After really bad pnd after dc2, I've been on fluoxetine and now mirtazapiene as well. Think I'm with them for the long haul, but it means I can enjoy life. I've done the whole counselling thing, it was really good. It's hard coming out about depression etc, but my experience has been not to allow it to be a taboo - that's really helped, as I can now talk about it openly (was a bit hard at first). Anyway, good luck to everyone - it's a long hard slog!

Hi Fishandjam, welcome smile sorry to hear about your depression - and that's quite a score. My DH is on Sertraline and it has been v helpful and great that you've sought help and are starting treatment.
Yes I also find it helps to know you're not the only person with this horrible illness - I've found this and some other threads very helpful, interesting and supportive. Hope you get on Ok with the Sertraline and best wishes.

Hi run4it thanks for the good wishes. Sorry to hear about your PND. Good to hear you can enjoy life now and that counselling helped - I have just started that too (plus fluoxetine and yest started trazodone too) but as you say I suspect this will be a long process! Best wishes.

Fishandjam Wed 13-Mar-13 21:32:36

Thanks colouring! Argh, meant to say that I have also suffered from depression on and off since my teens (gah, the lack of focus and concentration that goes with this wretched illness really is the pits). Had it badly immediately after DS was born; it's crept up more gradually after DD arrived last year, so I think now it's the worst its ever been. Pile of shite that it is.

But as blardy said, my DCs deserve a better mother and my wonderful kind DH deserves a better wife. And if it takes pills and whatnot to achieve that, then bring it on. I'm not going to let the black dog beat me.

Fishandjam Wed 13-Mar-13 21:33:41

run4, good to hear you're coming out the other side!

OhBlardyHell Wed 13-Mar-13 23:00:20

Thanks for that Run4it, it's really encouraging to hear from people who have come through smile

Hi Fish, sorry to hear you scored so high, you must be going through a really tough time. You seem to have a really good attitude though, time the black dog was PTS! wink

Oh crap, I've forgotten everything else I was going to say, sorry! Finding it really hard to focus at the moment. I'll log in on the laptop tomorrow so I can hopefully get a proper post done.
Still feeling ok, pretty edgy and scatty but not so down and hopeless.

Fish, hi & welcome. Your situation sounds exactly like mine, had PND immediately after DS1 was born, this time it's snuck in gradually.

I feel better knowing that my mum is coming (although that makes me feel about 5 years old again).

I forgot to say that the GP mentioned my thyroid function is low which may account for how I'm feeling. In a way I hope it is as it gives a reason for why this has happened (although in my head I know it's all down to biochemistry, part of me still sees it as a weakness on my part sad).

Anyway, am rambling on & it looks like DS2 is falling back to sleep so I'll stop now!

Fishandjam Thu 14-Mar-13 08:48:33

Morning everyone. Hope you all had reasonable nights?

I suspect a lot of my current low mood is caused by months of broken sleep - DD (9 months) has not slept through since she was born. And I'm BFing so I have to do the settling (wish she'd take a bottle, but she just won't!) We have tried controlled crying but any progress has been scuppered by her getting lots of bugs recently - I don't have the energy to try again just now. Plus DS (3 years) is going through the Terrible Twos late, and in fine style...

I just have to keep telling myself that I'm not a dreadful mother, I'm not going to be like my own mother (depressed, narcissistic, emotionally abusive), that yes I should have had kids, and things will not be made better if I wasn't here. (Both my maternal grandparents killed themselves, at different times, and it's still poisoning our family 60+ years on.)

Well, it's a lovely (if cold) day here, so I shall gird my loins and go to the Co-Op.

Good wishes to everyone battling with the black dog! Mrs, can your GP suggest any treatment for your thyroid? I guess that definitely won't be helping you at present. Blardy, I know what you mean about feeling scatty. Colouring, please can I ask what sort of counseling you are having?

Hi Mrs wow sounds like you had a good nights sleep (not!) Hope you're OK this morning. I understand what you mean about hoping there's another reason for your depression - its a tough disease to come to terms with and tell people about - but easier with something like low thyroid.

Like both of you I am also so scatty/forgetful. Nearly forgot to pick up my kids from school yesterday shock - completely lost track of time, my dad said, just checking you're not doing the school run...

My DH returned home last night and I told him how hurt I was. Still can't seem to "do" anger. Anyhow i got my own back without realising - apparently I was snoring loudly so he had to go and sleep in the spare room (something I end up doing at least once a week cos of his snoring!) seems like a side effect of these new meds zonking me out.

Hope everyone has a better day and appreciates the sun if you have it x

Hi Fish I'm having psycho-dynamic counselling more cos GP recommended local counselling set-up rather than the type. I had been wondering about CBT as my DH found it v effective. I am thinking I might do that next! The psycho-dynamic is proving good at getting me talking again and understanding some of the roots of today's difficulties - ie tiptoeing round emotionally fragile mother as a child, suppressing emotions esp anger... I think a lot of it is about some sort of connection with the counsellor more than the type of counselling. Mine seems to understand what I'm saying first time and coming back with spot on observations etc. Hope that's not TMI!

I think you're probably right about the sleep deprivation. I've been a lot worse the last week since I stopped being able to sleep properly. Also completely understand you thoughts about not being like you mother, and that you made the right choice to have kids. I have had similar. sad about your maternal grandparents. My DH's dad tried unsuccessfully to commit suicide when DH was a student and that has had an impact on him (and me as last year I was worried he might follow his dad...)

Anyway def get out in the sun! I am back at Docs at 10 then planning to go to my painting class at local college. All the best.

OhBlardyHell Thu 14-Mar-13 10:37:51

Hi all, having a bad day today, DC are being difficult and I'm feeling pretty low again. Struggling to get myself up off the sofa.

I can totally relate to the family issues, my parents have been less than wonderful too. Sounds like we all have a lot in common!

Be gentle on yourself Blardy. I'm feeling a bit defeated too, DS1 has steadfastly refused to wear pants rather than nappies for the past few days. Dropped him at nursery today & am waiting for grandparents to pick DS2 up & feeling guilty because I absolutely cannot wait.

MummyJM Thu 14-Mar-13 15:05:37

Hi all, I've just joined the site and can relate to a lot of your experiences. I've suffered from depression and anxiety from a young age due to issues, had PTSD approx 18 months ago when I was having some counselling regarding childhood abuse, and suspect I'm suffering again. I have 2 children a 6yr DS and a 7wk DD. I had my post natal check with GP last night and she gave me counselling no to ring, I would love to but as I explained to her I have no support for childcare of DD and unless I can find counselling with creche facilities then I'm stumped. I was looking into it before I had DD as I knew with my history and the fact I was suffering with anxiety/depression throughout pregnancy that I may suffer PND again. I'm irritable as hell, have been 'managing' the night time feeds on my own for past 3 weeks (except Fri/Sat nights) as DH is a very light sleeper and DD has been suffering from oral thrush and colic over past few weeks since he's been back at work. He was all for helping out but its me that's decided its not fair on him with his job as he needs to be on the ball, I will be having a word with him tonight though cos I need a break. If he does Tues nights as well then maybe I wont be like Godzilla on a bad day. I yelled at DD this morning cos she'd had her feed and was unsettled after, I was on my own trying to get DS ready for school, was feeling like a zombie, DH had dropped on me that he was going to work early so he was up and out in 20 mins, I ended up with no breakfast and stressed out cos I was trying everything and didnt understand that she was still hungry until I tried her with a bit more. I didn't expect to feel like a first time mum again! I felt guilty enough after yelling but then DS asked if I ever wished that she hadn't been born. If truth be told there are moments where I regret my choice, but these are just fractions of a minute in a day or a week so I'm not going to beat myself up (too badly). I didn't have time to talk to him properly as we were dashing to school (as usual of late) but I did apologise for yelling and asked about his feelings. He's a lovely brother and its natural for him to have negative thoughts as well so I'm going to set aside some time to talk about it all tonight. I was feeling low today but coming on here (even though its took me hours in bits and pieces when I've been able to type) has made me feel a bit better. It gets lonely when you're suffering and even though we're all in the same boat, so I feel for you (hugs) I'm glad I've got company. My act of self kindness today was treating myself to a cup of hot chocolate with lashings of squirty cream on (had no marshmellows in though :-( ) and forgiving myself for being human and not super human! I don't know if anyone's posted since MrsH this morning so I hope your day has been better than what you hoped for when you got up xxx

Hi MummyJM, welcome smile sorry to hear about your depression and anxiety - I know how tough it is, and esp with DCs. I like the sound of your hot chocolate though and it does sound like a good plan to speak to your DH about the nights. Sleep deprivation is bad enough when you're well and in my experience can really make dep/anx worse. That childcare thing with counselling is a killer isn't it - I was in a similar situation a few years back and couldn't get started with the counselling. I guess you've considered whether you could do a one hour childcare swap with a friend?

I'm back from spending the day painting at a local higher ed college. My favourite day of the week. It was tough in places with rising anxiety, but am thankful that my poor mental health doesn't seem to have affected my ability to paint which is a big relief. Home with DCs - 8 and 4 now...

Hello everyone else, hope your day's been OK x

run4it Thu 14-Mar-13 18:15:44

Hugs to everyone - hope you all had a good day.

run4it Thu 14-Mar-13 18:46:50

There's always good days and bad days, and I've found it better not to compare how things are on a day by day basis. I tend to compare how I am now against a month, or six months, or a year ago - then you can really see whether things are getting better. I try to get a bit of 'me time' in every dy as well - going for a walk or having a bath, or reading a book - I just find it gives me more head space. When I'm bad I end up doing more exercise because it helps me get through it - you've just got to find something that works for you. Hugs all round anyway!

MummyJM Fri 15-Mar-13 03:36:33

Just finished a feed. Glad you don't let your MH affect your painting Colouring, it is easy to let it without realising. Unfortunately that was the case with me, so I only have one person I could term as a friend really and her physical health isn't up to looking after a small baby in case she accidentally drops DD. I had to pull out of my diploma recently as the course requires placement hours, and due to my Mum having a life changing op back in Sept she isn't able to help out as planned, so I can't ask her either. Private counselling is out of the question in the evening or weekend when DH could help out due to finances. I do plan on using the local Sure Start for activities with DD now that I've had my post c-section MOT so there may be an opportunity in a few months to have built up other friendships and feel comfortable swapping childcare with a new friend. Like Run4it says compared to how I was a year ago I can see improvements, cos I'm making the effort to talk to other Mums in the school yard and have taken DS to a few parties over the past few months. That was scary Blardy so I can understand your anxiety over the GP, and its your experience which drew me to this site and thread. I hope your day improved, it takes a lot of will power to get out of bed or off the sofa to look after DC when depression has a hold (hugs). Speaking of will power Run4it I wish I could swap my coping mechanism of chocolate and other 'naughties' for your healthier exercise, it is beneficial for MH like you said but getting motivated at the moment is tough. I'm hoping now that DD seems to be more settled on her feeds that I can get out of these 4 walls with her in the pram, up until now she's been doing small frequent feeds so its been out of the question. One step at a time! I have asked DH to do Tuesday nights and he readily agreed, he was going to do more but like I said to him he's working and cant get his head down during the day, which hopefully I will be able to do. I did have the opportunity today but you know how it is when you're shattered but the brain wont shut down. Insomnia is an unwanted friend! I managed a chat with DS as well to see how he's been affected by DD's arrival and he's not resentful, his earlier comment was his perception of my "annoyance". I reassured him again that I love them both and it was down to being very tired that I shouted, and that I was sorry, I shouldn't have done it. We went to the shop and I got him a mag and some chocolate as treats and printed him a super star certificate for helping out the way he does. Yes that was definately guilt motivated! He sees a learning mentor at school due to dv issues with his dad (not my DH) for which I had to stop contact a few months ago, I'm seeing her tomorrow, or rather today, so I'll get some tips from her on how to cope. As you can see I can write war and peace, LOL. I'm going to try to settle. Good night/morning ladies xxx

NappyHappy Fri 15-Mar-13 11:07:58

Morning all! Hi new posters! I'm full of a cold so trying to not breathe on ds3, he's just puked down my neck.

Lack of sleep is definitely not helping any of us is it?

I didn't know that MrsH that Thyroid function affected moods, bet you can't wait for Mum to arrive. My Mum will only have the eldest as ds2 she says requires my step dad to be there to help her! Grr.

Does it also seem that the dc's know you're not well and they seem to play up more even though you try and hide it?

I'm terribly scatty too and often find myself spinning round in circles trying to do stuff.

OhBlardyHell Fri 15-Mar-13 13:58:41

Yes Nappy! My DC act up more when I'm feeling worse too. They've been really difficult the last could of days and I hardly got any sleep last night (the little one is teething).

Sorry you're ill!

I've started to notice that my emotions aren't as close to the surface as they usually are. Watching the Red Nose Day stuff usually has me blubbing from the off but I've been fine so far.

Hi everyone.
Blardy I've noticed something similar re: emotions too. Watched broadchurch the last couple of weeks. Usually something like that (death of a child) would make me well up, now - nothing, nothing at all hmm
Nappy I'm with you on the scattiness - nearly forgot to pick up kids from school on wed hmm
Hope both of your DCs are giving you a bit of break today!

Trying to psych myself to talk to Headteacher after school re: DD's recovering broken leg - her friendships are going pear-shaped as she can't join in at playtime (more cos school won't let her now, rather than lack of mobility)

MummyJM good for you making the effort in the playground - not an easy thing i.m.e! Sounds like a good plan speaking to the learning mentor - hope you get some helpful advice.

Still really struggling with anxiety today, DH went a diff route to hospt (DD appt) this morning and I started hyperventilating - had to ask him to get onto a road I know. Ridiculous but real. Feeling like it might be a while before I'm back to "normal".
take care all x

Still hanging in here. So tired I can barely keep my eyes open. Been prescribed diazepam for a week to help with the anxiety whilst my new ADs kick in.

I just feel distanced from everyone at the moment & not really able to process anyone else's needs. I really struggle to concentrate & often stop mid sentence when talking as I have no idea what I was about to say.

Hi Mrs, sorry to hear you're feeling so rough. Are you on Sertraline? I've heard they often wipe people out for a couple of weeks to start with. Diazepam sounds like a good plan. My GP has prescribed me Tradozone with my Fluoxetine to help with anxiety and sleeping.

I know what you mean about distance and concentrating too (I completely forgot the name of DDs deputy head that I had a meeting with today hmm) and send lots of sympathy. Really hope your ADs kick in soon. Are you able to get much rest - think you have DCs - my second best day this week was one when I slept til 12.20 - felt a lot better in the pm! Anyhow, take care x

No at the moment I'm transitioning from fluoxetine to duloxetine with a side order of diazepam which I'm reluctant to take at the moment as am home alone with DS2 although anxiety levels are high.

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

NappyHappy Sun 17-Mar-13 14:55:24

thanks for you Mrs.

Feeling a bit better today just full of a cold!

Oh the joy of the playground! I think I'm too odd for the other Mums and definitely don't fit into any of the usual little groups that you see, I'm quite anti social most of the time and get a bit anxious around groups of people so I don't leave the house much. But will try next week and take the kids to the Sure Start and get them interacting a bit with other kids.

How many dc's have you all got?

Here's hoping your new combinations of AD's work!

GinnyMac Tue 21-May-13 05:03:29

Have a look at Helen McNallen's great web site. I saw her on TV and she's great. It's
She used to suffer from depression and has some great tips. She recommends Vegepa and Filisa on her site. I've taken them both together and they really work.

ginnie352013 Tue 11-Jun-13 21:11:14

Hi everyone! I have never ever posted anything in a chatroom, am even rubbish at facebook, but I am at breaking point - not for the first time, and thought it couldn't hurt. I've suffered with depression for a long long time, and eating troubles since the age of 14. My feeling of self worth is rock bottom, I am a mum of 2 small children and 5mths pregnant with my third. My husband and I are becoming more and more distant, constantly rowing as we battle in our own separate lives- him working all hours god sends, - me running a pet sitting business (as a previous veterinary nurse, which I cant afford to do due to childcare costs), he resents my job and I think has grown tired of my depression which I don't blame him for, I'm so ashamed of it myself and feel like the worst mother ever. I've also suffered family problems in the last year and lost the support and contact with my sisters who meant so much to me, all because of a silly row over nothing- my wanting another baby, which I've now proved them all right, it wasn't the right time. I moved from my home town ten years ago to be with my now husband because he has a son from a previous relationship (who I get on very well with) and left behind my family and good job, I have no real friends here, and hide all my feelings very well, but I'm so unbearably lonely and desparate I don't know what to do. I've tried parent groups but I just don't fit in anywhere. I was bullied badly at school and then had a horrible sexual assault, well rape if I'm honest, whilst on holiday when I was 17 which I blame myself for, and I have a huge fear of meeting new people. This sounds like a "poor me" sob story but I just thought it might be worth a go. I'm desparately, desparatley ashamed to admit I've smoked and drank alcohol during this pregnancy to escape the pain even for just an hour, this is disgusting and I hate myself for it, and understand that you will think the same, I've had reccurrent haemmorhaging throughout this pregnancy and on 9 occasions thought we had lost it. And yet I wanted this baby so much, but I don't know how I'll cope especially as my husband seems to have no interest, I go to all these emergency scans alone and he's never home till late and come the weekend he just wants to "escape" the stress of his work and go out on all night drinking sessions, I also have a cripplng spinal condition which I suffer agonising pain with every day, but being a dog walker with 2 small boys I have to carry on especially as we have major financial worries too, but I have no one to talk to, and have battled on my own for so long, I wondered if there's anyone out there who's felt like me. I know there's no cure, I've been back and forth to the gp who have proved useless. Every single day is a battle, the smallest task is so hard, all I want to do is go to sleep and not wake up, but I would never do anything silly, I love my boys way too much for that. I know you must all be thinking, what a stupid, stupid idiot to go and get pregant again with all these issues and I agree. I just want some help or advice. This was so so hard to write.

BexleyFemale777 Fri 02-Aug-13 09:10:52

I stand alone in a world where there is no inner joy for me. I have lost the fight to continue my quest for justice over a serious sexual assault upon me. I am unable to continue to fight the system. I am so drained and my exhaustion has finally killed what little strength I had left.

The Police mock me, the CPS mock me and no matter how much I try I am pushed further and further away from getting justice. I am all alone and due to the fact I also have a phobia it makes things easy for them to abuse me.

I feel that I am dying. I have tried and tried and tried to be heard, but it is as thought I am invisible. So much has happened to me over the last 11 years and even my MP turned his back upon me.

I am not young, neither am I of social standing. I had a breakdown in 2002 and in truth have never recovered. The breakdown was caused by proven police corruption but they can get away with anything if the victims like myself have been in a psychiatric hospital.

I am tired now. Tired of letter writing, tired of knocking on false doors. The IPCC are not independent and no matter what you do or say or produce justice never gets done.

For most people like myself depression is caused by something that happened. I stand alone with the truth and my abuser is rich and can get anything he wants done.

Depression cripples a persons life and I have never seen the beginning of a new day or seen the light. My life is dark and empty.

As for the mental health services.........I dare not talk to them as their answer to everything is drugs.

Drugs are not the answer. Care is the answer, help is the answer and support is the answer. I feel like I am dying for my spirit is so broken.

Every time i get a step nearer to justice someone pulls the rug from under my feet.

In my family life all I am is a robot for baby sitting and helping others for they do not understand why I seek justice and being young they see the world different to me.

I dreamed the impossible dream, I fought the unbeatable foe and only I and I alone carry the heavy weight of the unbearable sorrow.

Loneliness and emotional isolation is what makes depression a helpless existence.

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