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Can I report myself to social services?

(44 Posts)
queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:34:52

I don't know where to turn really, I'm losing control of my situation and I'm really worried I'm going to just lose it. I'm by myself with 3 children, I work constantly, my middle child has ADHD and is extremely trying.

She is always raging how much she hates me, hates her life wishes I was dead,

I just can't cope anymore, if I report myself to social services what will happen. I'm actually frightened I'm going to snap.

Please help me.

Wonderland121 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:38:44

I am sorry to hear this Queencat, I don't have the answers but didn't want your pot to go unnoticed. [hugs]

Wonderland121 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:39:26

Do you have any friends or family near by who you can talk to or that can help you?

BoringTheBuilder Sat 02-Mar-13 21:40:53

Can you not go to your nearby Children's centre/ Sure start, and ask for help?

queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:41:35

No I really don't. I'm so lonely no one understands how I'm feeling, I feel trapped by my children and my situation. I actually think they are better off without me altogether. I really can't go on juggling everything. It's exhausting. I am making my children's lived a misery.

Do you get any respite for your daughter? Are you known to social services? Have you spoken to your GP about how you are struggling?

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:42:09

I am not sure SS are the first port of call for you lovely. They may be able to help you but "shopping yourself" to the SS isn't the right start. I suggest you go and speak to your GP and get 1. The right support with your middle child (could maybe involve the school?) and 2. Support for YOU, im not sure wht form that would take - depends what you need.

Don't be afraid to ask for help, there is no weakness in reaching out.

Wonderland121 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:42:12

Can you take some holiday time from work to give yourself a break? do your kids all go to school or are they younger?

queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:42:37

I had a family link worker come out and talk to me about the children and all she could suggest was sticker charts which really don't work! I don't know how I get help.

queencat, you're brave to admit it. You're not the only one to feel that way, but you are so brave to admit it. I have only one child and often feel similar to how you do - am not trying to denegrate your feelings - just wanting you to know that you are not alone...and i have only one!
Please go and see your GP and explain how you are feeling. They are not going to judge you for this.

queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:45:35

I don't get respite help her dad takes her very other weekend he says there is nothing wrong with her and its in my head. The way she behaved is so awful I feel like I hate her.

The school are really unhelpful and I'm battling with them. I went to the GP and they referred me months ago for counselling and I'm still waiting for that.

Because I'm the main 'breadwinner' I can't take time off as I won't get paid. I feel like I'm being negative but I can't find a way out.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:45:51

You are exactly right - you cannot go on like this

You are exactly wrong - your children love and need you and would be devestated without you. Seriously, if you think life is hard for them now just imagine how it would be if they were in care and the only visit was to your gravestone. I suffer from depression and sometimes I play that image in my mind to keep myself going.

You are a good mother - you woudlnt be asking for help if you wasn't.

There IS help out there for you - Surestart? Doctors, HV are a good place to start.

PurpleBlossom Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:00

Are the children at school age? Our school has a Parental Support Adviser who would be able to offer support/ put you in touch with agencies etc. Do you know if your children's school has anything like this? Have a chat with their class teacher.


Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:47:55

Are you self employed? Otherwise you will be entitled to sick pay.

Go back to the GP tell them you are struggling and they need to get you referred sooner for counselling.

Be a squeaky wheel - go to the doctor weekly until you get what you need.

Why are the school being difficult?

lougle Sat 02-Mar-13 21:50:37

Queencat, yes you can ask Social Services for help. If your DD has severe ADHD, she may be classed as a 'child in need' and be eligible for the Disabled Children's team. They can do a core assessment to see what support you may benefit from.

You might simply need someone to take her out for an hour or two to give you a chance to recharge your batteries.

Do you get DLA for her? Does she have a Statement of Special Educational Needs?

There is help available...why don't you pop over to the Special Needs section and have a chat with us? It's a great place to unload how frankly ground-hog day it can all be at times.

queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:50:53

They are ten, seven and five. I just feel like I'm giving them a horrible childhood. Every day I start off thinking I'm not going to shout but she winds me up so much. I'm a nervous bloody wreck.

I give her everything I can and she still hates me. Nothing I do is good enough everything is a battle but when she is with her dad she is lovely. He walked out on us for someone else and I'm still being punished by her bad behaviour I feel like in ranting now but I can't understand how life got so fucking shit for me. I just can't go on.

queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:53:18

I don't know if she has severe ADHD her father will not accept the diagnosis. I don't know if Ritalin will stop the tantrums and calm her down maybe? I feel pathetic because I can't cope I just want someone to take this responsibility away from me for just a little bit,

lougle Sat 02-Mar-13 21:53:58

Ok..take a deep breath. It's miserable and tbh a real grind when you have a child who can't sit still for 5 minutes.

She doesn't hate you. She isn't even thinking of you. You are her safe zone.

lougle Sat 02-Mar-13 21:54:54

Well, her father accepting the diagnosis or not won't change it, will it?

Who diagnosed her, when?

What are her biggest issues right now?

MajaBiene Sat 02-Mar-13 21:56:52

Can their dad take more responsibility for them for a while? Could middle daughter go and live with him until you get on your feet?

IlianaDupree Sat 02-Mar-13 21:57:30

Hi, I had a situation a few years ago and phoned social services. They didn't do much in terms of directing me to support but they did chat to me and supported me as much as they could.

I found help through asking charities, mind, women's aid (not relevant to you) and my gp.

Go back to your gp and stress how hard it is for you and can they please help with referrals for you and your dc.

There are people out there who will help, it just means a lot of phoning around.

Keep strong.

Lucyellensmum95 Sat 02-Mar-13 21:57:35

lovely knowledgable post bout lougle there - do please take her advice.

Look - i have a seven year old DD with no additional needs, im in a good relationship and I shout and my DD in utter frustration sometimes (many times - most days) I am not proud of it, but mums do shout - its not ideal but it happens.

She is badly behaved for you because she feels closer to you than her father, she KNOWS your love is unconditional that you wont leave her - but he did didn't he, so the poor mite feels she has to be good for him or he wont see her. That plus the fact taht you are the one to do all the day to day boring stuff while he gets to take her out etc.

ARe you on any medication - it could be that ADs will be a real help for you. Please go back to your doctor.

We are all here for you - you are not alone and by far not the only mum to struggle.

JakeBullet Sat 02-Mar-13 21:58:02

Queencat, is taking a break from work a possibility for you? I have been in your position and a year ago I gave up work after 30 years of's the best thing I ever did as I feel like a human being again.a

Dealing with ADHD is hard, my DS is autistic with ADHD and can be very challenging at times. I am fortunate enough to be in social housing so at the moment my rent is paid etc although after 12 months I am now about to start work again. Not full time but enough to keep me same while being able to meet DS's needs.

Is there am ADHD support group near you at all?

queencat Sat 02-Mar-13 21:59:54

She was diagnosed privately last year with ADHD, I took her to see someone privately as the GP wasn't listening to me. Her father told me I paid to get the diagnosis that I wanted to hear and that if I gave her medication then he would take he to court.

Her biggest issues are that she has temper tantrums almost hourly, she refuses to go to bed, she hisses and spits at me , trashes her room, won't do as she is told, attacks get brother and sister. At school she behaves but struggles with her writing when she walks out if the school all hell breaks loose and she is horribly up until she finally goes to sleep.

I really don't know if her behaviour is ADHD or I'm just fucking it up and can't control her.

lougle Sat 02-Mar-13 22:15:18

Private Paeds don't tend to lie, even if they're being paid.

Come over to SN...let us help you unravel it. We might even have some ideas on making life easier?

noraa Sun 03-Mar-13 07:32:31

sorry for your situation sad,trying ritalin is your easiest option im guessing.

JakeBullet Sun 03-Mar-13 09:06:23

Queencat, medication has been a Godsend for my DS. He does still have meltdowns though. Is it possible she is also at the upper end of the autistic spectrum.'s very vast?

JakeBullet Sun 03-Mar-13 09:38:36

A good site I have found really helpful is this one. It's got a downloadable toolkit which I have found very helpful and also reward charts etc if you want them.

Your ex is being an arse, medication could massively improve the quality of his DD's life.

Is she like this with him? My DS can be a little angel with his Dad...or not depending in how he feels. Thankfully my exH is very supportive of us...I am fortunate.

Thinking of you because I really do know how hard ADHD can be to manage.

SignoraStronza Sun 03-Mar-13 09:59:50

Sorry to hear you're struggling. A really good first port of call e would be

SignoraStronza Sun 03-Mar-13 10:01:56

Sorry. fast fingers on phone! As I was saying, a really useful organisation to contact for support would be Home Start (don't know how to link it on phone but comes up first on Google searches).

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 10:18:27

You could ring the children's help desk and ask to speak to a duty worker in the children's team. It does sound as if you need support and you are entitled to it.
Was your referral to camhs? Because you should make sure the go did that referral and if so ring them directly and ask what' has happened.
Can your ex take her for a few days extra especially as he is so good for her!!
Someone needs to help you plan and implement a behaviour plan.
Is she the youngest? Was your split nasty? Did you have pnd? Could she have any attachment issues.?
The school are obligated to help you. Does she have a caf?

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 03-Mar-13 10:34:28

sorry to hear you sound so desperate op. if your daughter is not showing any of the extreme behaviour she shows to you in other settings I am not sure the ADHD diagnosis stands up. i would talk to your gp about a referral to camhs and don't let him /her fob you off. you could also talk to school about a Caf. it could be your daughter needs help to work through her feeling s of anger and powelessness about divorce and as others have said can't show that to her dad as he could reject her again so you get the full force.

queencat Sun 03-Mar-13 18:31:19

How do I get a CAF? Our split was not acrimonious but it came out if nowhere I wasn't expecting it so it was a massive blow and was almost like somebody had died I was completely incapable of dealing with it or the children.

queencat Sun 03-Mar-13 18:53:53

Hi Jake can you please let me know what ritalin actually does? Will it calm her down and make her less angry?

wellcoveredsparerib Sun 03-Mar-13 18:57:09

a caf can be raised by any agency working with your child. school or health would be best places to start. hope things improve for you op.

Spoonful Sun 03-Mar-13 19:03:08

I was going to say homestart (I self referred to them) but they only cover families with under fives.

I don't think there would be any harm in talking to SS. They will probably be able to signpost you to other people. I hope things get better for you.

Hoophopes Sun 03-Mar-13 19:08:26

A CAF may be a good idea, as it would look at your daughters diagnosis and look at what treatments could help her. Therefore if they suggest medication, then her father couldn't refuse it or use that medical need against you by threatenting court!! School or medical people would be involved, and if you ask for it indeed a worker from Social Care. There is funding for respite, but it is hard to get - i know families with children with downs syndrome get monthly respite care through Social Care, which is where the funding is sorted from, so their other child(ren) can have time as a family doing tihngs that the other child in respite cannot manage.

signposting to other services sounds useful. Could you ask school for a meeting with the SENCO to see if they could offer support ideas also?

Julezboo Sun 03-Mar-13 19:11:14

In a similar way queencat. Not helpful but hope it helps to know you aren't alone sad

JakeBullet Sun 03-Mar-13 19:13:09

Hi queencat, my son was prescribed it more because trying to focus on school work was very hard for him. Withing three months of going on the medication he could finally read...he was nearly 9 at this point.

I think the temper tantrums while worse with ADHD are not always caused by it if you see what I mean. Usually there is a trigger for them...with DS it is frustration leading to terrible rages and door slamming. I can't say that his medication (he is on Medikinet) has stopped those but I have got better at second guessing him, the school have also done some fantastic stuff to help him tame his "raging monster". There is a fabulous book called "The Red Beast" which they use with him in school and also another book called "A volcano in my tummy".

My DS is also having some counselling at the moment and the counsellor has suggested a cheap white pillowcase on which I can draw a figure and then get DS to identify where he feels sensations when he is angry. Then on the other side to write 10 things he could do to calm down. It sounds fab and am going to try it.....the trick of course is n getting the child to engage and use the technique....DS finds remembering what to do when he is angry quite hard.

I sympathise because I know how isolating and frustrating it is when a child behaves like this. DS is also on the autistic spectrum too so obviously has extra stuff going on but is high functioning so in mainstream school etc. Where in the country are you? Anywhere near Essex as there are some good supportive groups here?

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 19:20:33

The school can do a caf for her it's good in that it can pull together a few different agencies to look at how best to move forward.
Ask the senco at her school to arrange one.
It's so horrible to be fobbed off especially when it's the last thing you feel like to keep pushing but do try to.
Your dd may have suffered some trauma from the split and the effect it had upon you and your ability to parent at the time (completely understandable)
Was she like this before the break up?

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 19:23:18

Re reading your post, if you really think they are at risk of you hurting them do tell ss they can help you and won't whip them into care.
It sounds silly but the Samaritans helped me greatly once and not with suicidal thoughts. They are a minefield of information.

colditz Sun 03-Mar-13 19:24:56

If he takes you to court because you give the clinically indicated medication for her diagnosed medical problem, he is going to look like a complete twat.

I suggest you tell him to take her for a week. Let him deal with it if its so fucking easy.

Ledkr Sun 03-Mar-13 19:31:12

That's what I said colditz my ex sees dd once a fecking week. I M massively unconcerned about any opinions he has hmm

queencat Sun 03-Mar-13 20:03:45

Thanks colditz the issue is he has never had to deal with her by herself or 'one on three' with the school run and work etc he has taken her on holiday with his gf and one other sibling never all three at the same time.

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