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I am depressed without a clue how to cope.

(119 Posts)
MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 19:03:14

This might be long.
I was diagnosed with depression last august. I take 40mg citolapram a day. Seemed to be getting better. Was much happier than before.

My best friend died 6 months ago. She was fine. All happened overnight.
About Christmas time, I started to feel very depressed again. Was like this on and off.

Last night, it all became far far Too much. I feel like I can't cope. I'm angry at the world. I'm a single mum. She was my support network. If it wasn't for my dd and her children I would have given In and let this take over but thats not what I want, I want to be happy and not feel so depressed and fed up.

It all comes down to my best friends death. I was fine. She died and my world seemed to collapse around me.
I really have no idea why I'm writing this. I just need to get it all out .

Thank you for reading.

Nagoo Fri 08-Feb-13 19:10:49

Mel I think it would be unreasonable to expect yourself not to be deeply affected by this.

Do you have any family or any other grown ups you can talk to in RL about how you feel?

Apart from throwing meds at you have the Drs offered you any counselling?

It worries me that since this happened you have been in a position where you need to be strong for your DD, and for your godchildren, and you haven't been given opportunity to grieve.

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 19:35:29

I do have people in rl I can talk too but the words depression or depressed and they blank you.
My amazing gp has told me to consider counselling and I dont know. I need help. I know that much.

I grieved when she died. Then I went into shock and Im grieving again now. I can't stay strong for long.

Kittycatcat Fri 08-Feb-13 19:38:12

Hugs. You have gone through a lot and have a lot to cope with. I had therapy and found it incredibly helpful. If your go can refer you it's definitely worth a try though I know its not for everyone.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Fri 08-Feb-13 19:40:39

I think your GP is right to suggest counselling, it is very useful and can really help with grief.

The world is a hard place to understand and it is natural to be very deeply affected by a death of a loved person.

Is there a reason you haven't taken up the counselling offer so far?

I'm very sorry for your loss.

PearlyWhites Fri 08-Feb-13 19:40:46

Am so sorry you are feeling like this, whereabouts in the country do you live. Is their any local support groups or mumsnetters you could meet up with? I have suffered from depression and isolation in the past feel free to pm me if you want to chat xx

frustratedworkingmum Fri 08-Feb-13 19:46:19

I am so sorry for your loss, you have lost your best friend who sounds like she was very close to you so you are greiving. I think you owould benefit greatly from bereavement counselling to help you come to terms with your loss. Would it help to tell us a bit about your friend?

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 20:00:51

I haven't taken it up because I don't want people asking me questionsn. I was in a abusive relationship and don't want to talk about.it.

Manchester pearly there is a group near me that I will look into.

My friend, she was wonderful! Happy, a joy to be around. Could light up a room when she smiled. Just understood me really. Not many people do.

frustratedworkingmum Fri 08-Feb-13 20:09:53

If you are going to counselling to get your head round what happened to your friend then you will not need to talk about the abuse unless you want to. I have had counselling and they don't tend to ask very much, they tend to let you talk more, if that makes any sense. See if there is a CRUISE bereavement counselling service near you if you are interested in discussing things.

Your friend sounds like a soul mate - you must miss her terribly, can you think what she would say to you now if you were feeling crap, what you might have done together to shift the grey clouds?

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 20:18:51

I think, she would tell me that tomorrow is a new day. And probably take me down the pub!

Has your GP mentioned counseling in relation to the issues you had before your friends death? I would think you could ask for grief counselling and not have to discuss your abusive relationship.

Would you consider cbt if that were an option? It might give you some coping strategies. Again, you could ask that this be just in relation to your grief.

My concern is that you're already taking a high dose of citalopram (I'm on that dose myself and been told it can't be increased) but you're still having what sounds like quite severe depression symptoms. Could you consider a change of medication or do you think some therapy would be more helpful?

Would you find it helpful to talk about your friend, or would that make you feel worse?

It sounds like you need some time and to give yourself permission to grieve for your friend without the pressure of being strong for everyone else.

I am sorry for your loss x

If you're not ready for counseling yet, what about a book on dealing with grief? There are a lot out there but maybe you could get a recommendation?

Or start by writing it all out. Then if you feel you can't talk to a counsellor, you can show them what you've written?

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Fri 08-Feb-13 20:33:42

You will only talk about what you want to talk about. A counsellor should not push you and you are free to leave the room any time.

I'm so sorry you feel this way, it is very hard. Depression is very hard.

frustratedworkingmum Fri 08-Feb-13 20:34:08

Off to the pub with you then! grin Do something with the kids that you would have shared with your friend? or would that be too painful just now?

Mel bit random but how's your sleep at the moment?

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 20:51:26

I am going to phone on Monday about counselling. It has been suggested that I get counselling for both issues which may not be a bad thing.
I find writing really thereputic. This threads making it seem so much easier to handle. Like something can be done.

I think I might take all 3 to see a film this week and a meal. We did that sometimes.
weds I sleep like a log. Go to bed, sleep through never wake until about 6.

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 20:52:40

I want to talk. No more meds after these.

That's good Mel - at least you don't have sleep deprivation too.

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 21:13:06

If I was sleep deprived I wouldn't know what too do!

MyNameIsLola Fri 08-Feb-13 21:21:35

You've been through an incredibly hard time, Mel, anyone would find it difficult to cope.

I think counselling is a very g

MyNameIsLola Fri 08-Feb-13 21:23:50

Sorry, didn't mean to hit post blush

Counselling is a good idea, I know it helped my friend massively when she lost her Mum very suddenly. You don't have to go into your past relationship if you don't want to, but you may find that it helps you to discuss it.

Take care of yourself, make sure your GP looks after you too. Lots of hugs.

emess Fri 08-Feb-13 21:31:02

Grief moves at its own pace, you can't hurry "getting over it". Seek help, and accept any help offered, whether with the small things or big things. If writing helps, then do it. But also find someone to talk to - CRUSE has already been suggested, also your GP may know of other local groups. Take care, this is not an easy time for you.

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 21:36:22

Griefs a funny thing. I thought I was over the worst part the feeling like your unable to believe It and wanting the world tk stop.
I feel like that again. Counselling and change ads.
One thing I do know is I want to forget my relationship. Blank it. Dds the best thing from that.

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 21:46:19

Anyone know how long I might be waiting for counselling?

frustratedworkingmum Fri 08-Feb-13 21:53:05

There can be a bit of a wait on the NHS, i waited about 10 weeks for mine. It might be different for cruise, first step is appointment with GP and INSIST on counselling. As someone said there are several types of it, cbt is good if you don't want to rake over the past but want to deal with how you are coping now.

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 22:09:48

I will book an urgent appointment for Monday and insist on cbt and ask about crusie.

I hate this. This feeling of uselessness and feeling like I'm not good enough for anyone. It's horrid.

It is awful Mel, but it will pass. You have to hold on to that.

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 22:24:10

The Mn phrase "^this too shall pass"^ my beacon of hope.
Thank you all for your words If advice tonight. I was In a very bad place last night x

It is true, even if it doesn't always feel like it. You will be ok. Pm me any time if I can help x

MelodyBaker Fri 08-Feb-13 22:39:52

I'm going to bed now but I will pm all the people who have offered should I need to.

I didn't want to start this thread as I thought doing so would make me admit it and I think thats something else. I don't want to be depressed. But starting it has made it easier to see its nothing to be ashamed off. Help Is there - just look for it.
Thank you x

MelodyBaker Sat 09-Feb-13 07:50:27

Very positive this morning. Going to take the goddc and dd out tonight nd try to sort out this wreck that is my "life"

I think, just knowing that something can be done makes it seem easier.to handle. Yesterday, I thought I would be depressed.forever and never feel happy for what I have.

Nagoo Sat 09-Feb-13 07:55:46

Fantastic to see you getting so much good advice and support mel <squidge>

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Feb-13 08:00:33

I'm glad you feel more positive. You can come through this. It may be hard at times, it may be slower than you'd wish, but you can come through.

Have a good day.

MelodyBaker Sat 09-Feb-13 08:59:24

Baby steps is the way forwards. Don't try to hard or I will probably wind up like yesterday. Stuck, alone and without a clue.

frustratedworkingmum Sat 09-Feb-13 09:25:56

Wise words Melody, i was going to say just that - one step at a time and don't worry if you take a few backward ones. The fact that you can see your depression for what it is, something that can be treated and nothing to be ashamed off will mean that you are able to take mostly forward steps from now on. Enjoy your weekend, just don't fret if it isn't "perfect". I think society puts alot of pressure on us to have "perfect" lives. Once i stopped striving for that, i started to feel better.

PearlyWhites Sat 09-Feb-13 10:50:27

That's brilliant that you feel able to start counselling, if there is a long wait there may be charitable organisations near you where you make a small donation and there is no waiting list. I live in Liverpool don't know if you drive but I just paid £5 per session. I can forward you the details if you like.

MelodyBaker Sat 09-Feb-13 17:02:06

I don't drive. No car.
I always thought depression was something to be afraid of but I know its not. It's opended my eyes

MelodyBaker Sat 09-Feb-13 21:13:33

Been out with dd and goddc to pictures and mcdonalds (there faces!). So much happier than I was 48 hours ago. Now I know something can be done and this can end

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sun 10-Feb-13 07:03:26

Glad you had a good time. Yes, it can end and there is much that can be done. It can be a long road to feeling fully strong again but hope is what keeps you afloat. Depression is like the absence of hope. If you have a little hope you're in a better place. Go and see your GP & keep going. You sound like a lovely kind mum & god mum.

MelodyBaker Mon 11-Feb-13 07:46:50

In 15 minutes, I will phone the doctors and ask for a appointment. I hope they thinki qualify for counselling. God.knows.I need.it

MelodyBaker Mon 11-Feb-13 08:09:16

I have a doctors appointment at 10.30. Fingers crossed

Fingers crossed. I hope it goes well

Nagoo Mon 11-Feb-13 15:46:44

How was it mel?

MelodyBaker Mon 11-Feb-13 18:02:48

I'm on the list for counselling and cruise. Should hear from cruise next week. Nhs counselling waiting list - about 8 weeks

That's great news. Hope you feel better now it's over. Next step is to treat yourself for being brave as dealing with it all!

MelodyBaker Mon 11-Feb-13 19:27:26

Me and dd are going to cinema tomorrow and to pizza express. My treat!!

MelodyBaker Tue 12-Feb-13 22:58:10

I feel the same tonight. Down, feeling shit. My best friend birthdays tomorrow and she's dead.
I really cannot do tomorrow, if she's dead - why am I alive? I'm the person who has done things wrong. Not her.
I believe in god but why? He's not here for me now. Not answering my prayers. If there is a god do help.me.

Dumper Wed 13-Feb-13 05:14:58

Hey Mel, hang in there, you're doing so well getting the ball rolling for counselling.
Today is gonna be hard, but I'm sure your friend would want you to celebrate her birthday and remember all the good times you had together.
You are alive and have and have a beautiful dd and godchildren to take care of. Don't let the depression make you forget that x

frustratedashell Wed 13-Feb-13 06:03:57

Hello Mel just read through the thread. I suffer from depression, it can be hard at times. Im so sorry your lost your best friend. Today will be a tough day but you will get through it. Maybe light a candle for your friend and send her happy birthday thoughts. You had really started to improve, this is just a blip. You have been doing so well. Im sure its helped that youve taken positive steps towards getting help for yourself. Dont be too hard on yourself, youve had a lot to cope with. Youre only human. Take care.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Wed 13-Feb-13 14:31:14

Hello Mel, hope you are managing to cope today on your friend's birthday. Must be a very hard day. Try to just take it a little at a time and maybe call e Samaritans if you want totals abou your grief or sadness or depression or anger at what happened.

I don't know why things happen how they do but I know your feelings sound very normal and human and natural in the circumstances.

Sending you kind thoughts.

MelodyBaker Wed 13-Feb-13 21:45:03

Today was hard but peaceful. I feel calm having remembered the good times and celebrating her life in a good way. The worst thing was the meal - she had booked the table for 8 not 7. One empty seat that she should have been in.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Thu 14-Feb-13 08:36:06

Oh glad the birthday hasn't derailed you. Days like that are hard, but if you can get through you're doing great.

MelodyBaker Mon 18-Feb-13 15:36:17

I have a cruise appointment Thursday and Nhs counselling two weeks today. I cannot wait to get some of this stuff of my chest and out of my system smile

MelodyBaker Mon 18-Feb-13 15:37:46

I have been pushed ahead for Nhs counselling as I am severely depressed according to the letter

Nagoo Mon 18-Feb-13 16:10:42

That is good news about the counselling. how long must you wait?

MelodyBaker Mon 18-Feb-13 19:57:49

I have an appointment in two weeks for nhs. I'm really pleased that I'm getting help

That's good. Pleased they're not keeping you waiting too long

Nagoo Tue 19-Feb-13 12:41:20

So are we x You have been through a lot x

MelodyBaker Tue 19-Feb-13 19:13:15

<sniffs> blames her coldm
Really cannot wait to start. Is there anything I will br asked?

Dumper Thu 21-Feb-13 11:41:04

Well done!
I'm not sure what you'll be asked Mel, I've seen a few counsellors but it was a long time ago. They are all probably a bit different too.
I used to find that I'd think of things I wanted to discuss and then by the time the appointment came I'd forget or feel differently so I used to write down things when they popped into my head and take the notebook with me.
Sometimes on a good day it's hard to remember how bad you felt the day before, if you know what i mean?

MelodyBaker Thu 21-Feb-13 16:05:30

Hello!
Seen cruise. Lovely fit man who listened and asked questions about how I feel, about my friend and some Ideas re coping. He will see me next Friday and will see If the strategies he's given me work. I have to take photos with me and we are going to work through memories and why I might be angry at the world.

MelodyBaker Sun 24-Feb-13 10:09:13

Have NHS counselling in the morning. Really dreading it.

Dumper Wed 27-Feb-13 06:56:10

How did it go Mel?

MelodyBaker Wed 27-Feb-13 21:12:02

Really well. Lots out in the open. According to him, the ads aren't working(!) But to keep trying.

Dumper Thu 28-Feb-13 06:57:02

How long have you been on them? Is it citalopram?

MelodyBaker Thu 28-Feb-13 21:36:44

Since august dumps 40mg citalopram a day. Very high dose.

ILoveBagels Thu 28-Feb-13 23:38:45

how did the therapy leave you feeling?

If your citalopram isn't doing anything at that dose, you really need to have your medication reviewed

Dumper Fri 01-Mar-13 20:36:22

I agree with wed I've been on citalopram for a long time, they help me but I couldn't handle 40mg! I'm on 30.
And if they're gonna help you they should be doing their stuff by now!

I'm on 40, and if you can't see improvement on a dose like that, something's wrong.

There's no point you taking that level of AD if your counsellor says they're not working.

Have you noticed any difference?

MelodyBaker Sat 02-Mar-13 07:22:20

I have seen a difference since taking them. I don't know why he thinks they don't help because they do.
Counselling helping - its good to talk and get all my feelings that I can't talk about to anyone else out in the open. I'm improving. Slowly but surely. Long way too go but I'm doing it

If you've noticed the difference that's good. I'm concerned your counsellor says no difference though - but getting help and being able to talk about it will be the better thing long term. I'm pleased your counseling is helping you x

MelodyBaker Sun 03-Mar-13 11:16:10

I was very open on Monday. Answered everything in detail. Told him how I felt and he seemed to jump to that. Because at 1 point I wanted to end it all he thought they weren't working.

MelodyBaker Sun 03-Mar-13 11:16:57

He was young (22) and didn't have a great grasp of severe depression.

That is quite young for a counsellor, but he must know what he's doing or they wouldn't employ him I guess.

ILoveBagels Sun 03-Mar-13 16:45:54

hmmmm, it doesnt sound like you have fully 'connected' with your therapist. it's no good making excuses for him or whatever because in order to go deeper into yourself and really face painful stuff, you will need to feel totally understood and supported at the beginning. did you feel this way?

if you are attending specifically for severe depression, it would seem to me to be vital that the therapist has experience in this?

i hope i dont sound too bossy, i just feel strongly about people being given access to the right help with the right skillset.

MelodyBaker Sun 03-Mar-13 17:29:30

He says he specalises in it but I doubt It. Seems more like a marriage counsellor (I should know I have seen loads!) I didn't feel understood or supported - like he was judging me in a way. Can I change counsellor?

I agree weds he must be good or he wouldn't be doing it.

Being good at his job doesn't necessarily mean you will click with him in the way you should with a counsellor. If you're not happy with him / don't feel confident of his ability and experience then you should ask to change. You have to be able to work with him and trust him with your most secret feelings and you don't seem to have that connection.

Personally, I'd be wary of any counsellor who told me my anti depressants weren't working but to continue taking them, or if I didn't have confidence in their ability.

MelodyBaker Sun 03-Mar-13 17:42:01

I will phone up on Monday first thing and ask to change counsellor. I was very wary when he said the ads weren't working but to keep trying. Alarm bells started then.

ILoveBagels Sun 03-Mar-13 17:44:25

I havent read back through every post to see how you came about this counsellor. Did you go through your GP or privately? Before I comment further, I live in Ireland so if you did go through your GP I'm not sure how the NHS referral system works with regards to changing therapist.

However, if you feel judged and unsupported at the beginning, IME it may well be worth changing therapist, you are perfectly within your rights to, and don't worry about his feelings, client's leave all the time. Therapy is for you, not for him and you shouldnt have to worry or justify your therapist's ability.

Working through severe depression is hard, really hard, and it would be my opinion that you need to feel and trust your therapist is able to stay with you through those really really hard bits.

Don't be afraid to ask questions regarding your therapist's experience at ALL. He is a professional and should be open and happy to discuss it, so you can get a true sense of how much he specialises in depression.

Don't forget this profession is not yet regulated in the UK, so anyone can open an office and call themselves a therapist. Is he BACP accredited? Does he work for a centre?

ILoveBagels Sun 03-Mar-13 17:46:47

Oh I've just seen your last post. Good call I think. Alarm bells don't sound for no reason!

MelodyBaker Sun 03-Mar-13 22:17:09

Its on the Nhs. But in a health center place. Had a certificate on his wall with <name> <qualified at> in psychology 1:2. no idea if he's a qualified counsellor.

Dumper Tue 05-Mar-13 07:17:00

If you can, try a different counsellor. You need to have a lot of trust in these people and you sound a little dubious of him already.
I had a fair few before I found one I felt comfortable with.
I had one who sat and stared at me and waited for me to speak!
I had one who told me there was nothing she could do for me as I was too argumentative!

MelodyBaker Tue 05-Mar-13 19:12:43

I phoned yesterday and have asked to change as I can't trust him. They asked me to give him another go. I refused to as there's no way I'm going to improve if I don't trust him so I have a appointment with another counsellor tomorrow

Dumper Wed 06-Mar-13 09:11:30

Good luck Mel.

ILoveBagels Wed 06-Mar-13 22:11:09

Well done for sticking to your guns and insisting on another counsellor. How did it go today with the new one?

MelodyBaker Wed 06-Mar-13 22:22:48

I felt safe talking to the new one. She is very honest with me - tells me why she thinks I feel the way I do and how to help/cope.
She's older (40's) but told me she had counselling and realised she wants to help people like her. Who have had a hard time.

ILoveBagels Wed 06-Mar-13 22:31:02

That's so good you felt safe with her. And it sounds like she may have greater understanding and empathy for the place you are in, if she has also struggled in her life too.

ILoveBagels Wed 06-Mar-13 22:31:45

and come out the other side!!

MelodyBaker Thu 07-Mar-13 15:24:03

It's better to have someone who has been there and had counselling so they know how to ask/when to say things.
She's a wonderful lady. Very honest and trustworthy

Nagoo Thu 07-Mar-13 22:07:24

glad you feel more positive about the counselling mel

ILoveBagels Wed 13-Mar-13 11:53:16

how are you doing melody?

MelodyBaker Thu 14-Mar-13 17:47:28

I am ok at the moment. I have counselling tomorrow and cruise next monday, I feel calm and happy. Much happier than I did when I started this thread. I felt that if I threw myself under a bus, dd would be better off. I now realise that I needed help and had needed help for a long time.

MelodyBaker Thu 14-Mar-13 17:47:36

I am ok at the moment. I have counselling tomorrow and cruise next monday, I feel calm and happy. Much happier than I did when I started this thread. I felt that if I threw myself under a bus, dd would be better off. I now realise that I needed help and had needed help for a long time.

Nagoo Thu 14-Mar-13 19:20:47

That's good to hear smile

MelodyBaker Fri 15-Mar-13 22:34:30

Had counselling today. Made lots of progress, more than before. Talked about coping methods,why do i feel like this and how i can get my feelings out when i am really down.
It is my goddc birthday tomorrow- without his mum. I have to be there for him because he said to me "promise you will be here,promise you will do everything mummy did" and that is what i will do, i am not his mum but i love them as if i was.
My goddc and dd are my life. Without them then i might have thrown myself under a bus at one point - they give me a goal.

ILoveBagels Sun 17-Mar-13 13:57:11

hi melody how did the party go? you goddc sounds like he really loves having you there. it's so wonderful to be needed by children isn't it? I love the way they can say what they need and give their love so fluidly.

did you manage to identify some coping strategies for yourself when you are feeling low?

MelodyBaker Sun 17-Mar-13 18:03:28

It was wonderful. He had a great time. Softplay with his friends then a meal.

I cope by counting to ten, going upstairs away from dd for a short time period and screaming into my pillow. Screaming into my pillow is the most effective.

MelodyBaker Wed 20-Mar-13 21:59:39

Hello, i had cruise monday. It is good. I am slowly realising she is gone. It is hard to do but i know i must.
Helen was her name. She was like her name - bright and shining.
Was, why do i have to right that word. It should be is not was.

MelodyBaker Wed 20-Mar-13 21:59:56

Write*

MelodyBaker Thu 21-Mar-13 20:00:19

evening x
This thread is becoming my own personal place to write to me. A bit like a confession.
Today has been alright. Thursdays are difficult. Helen died on wed night found thursday and certain things make me remember what i was doing when i got the call.
If your still reading this then thank you. x

MelodyBaker Sat 23-Mar-13 21:50:14

Another day, another slow painful day. No chance of getting anywhere this weekend. Counselling i had to cancell yesterday due to the weather.

Earlier, i felt very very down and wanted to die. DD and me had a row, a silly little row but it got to me - made me feel worthless. I wanted to harm myself. I didn't. I came away and screamed into my pillow.

Over the last month, i have improved immensly. I know I can do this and I will get through it x

ILoveBagels Tue 02-Apr-13 11:59:06

Hi Melody, how are you doing? I felt really sad reading your words about Helen, she sounded amazing and lovely. I agree, writing in the past tense about someone you love is just heartbreaking and lots of other things I cant put into words.

Just remember, she loved you too and that is everything. Someone that lovely loving you just shows how much worth you have, so hold on to that. I know she's not with you in the same way anymore but you can hold her inside you.

I hope therapy has resumed, its annoying when it gets cancelled last minute due to weather or something out of your control.

How are you finding your coping strategies? Are you still using them?

You sounded a bit down in your last post, although I like the way you acknowledge how far youve come too grin brave lady.

ILoveBagels Tue 02-Apr-13 11:59:42

oops i meant smile, that grin looks a bit inappropriate!

MelodyBaker Mon 08-Apr-13 17:31:13

Hello! Not been on here for a while - been very hectic and busy here.
Been to cruise on Friday and counselling today and both say that I have improved immensely. It feels nice to get things out in the open and talk about how I feel to someone who cannot go and tell someone what I said - a "friend" has done that to me recently - offered me a shoulder t cry on and then spoken to someone and told them everything.

I still use my coping methods. They are a wonderful help - just little things that help me get through the tough times.

I will always be angry with myself - She never complained of feeling ill but I never asked her how she felt. If I had would she still be here? I know she would have died anyway - the post mortem showed heart issues which had caused a massive heart attack, even if she had known about her heart trouble she would have had the heart attack. And that breaks my heart sad. It just doesn't feel right to be saying to people who don't know and ask me if i have seen Helen lately to have to say "she passed away just before christmas".

Writing all this, makes me feel so much better. I can't see the screen through my tears now. I wish all this had never happened, my life for the last 16 years has been a mess. I was getting better- my life was improving then this happens.

If anyone is still reading, thank you so much, just knowing that I can post here without people questioning how I feel and asking me why I feel that way is worth more than anything to me (except DD!)
Thank you for reading - it has been 2 months since I started this thread asking for help and in those two months I have made so much progress.

MelodyBaker Mon 08-Apr-13 17:31:59

Ilove I am not brave - not in the slightest but that means so much that someone thinks that of me. Thank you x

MelodyBaker Tue 16-Apr-13 21:56:02

Evening x
Have had some really bad days recently. Felt so down and alone, I was scared about what I was thinking - my own thoughts frightened me- I wanted to end it all but Counselling has been reduced 1 session a fortnight and after the way I have felt recently, I don't like that in the slightest.

I know nobody is reading this anymore. I don't know what I hope to gain from this anymore - I feel the way I did when I started this thread. Angry at the world and myself. I will ring counselling tomorrow and ask for another appointment- I didn't get it all off my chest today.

BicBiro Sun 21-Apr-13 00:20:44

Hi Melody - I'm ILoveBagels under a namechange.

For some reason your thread dropped off my 'I'm On' list, which is why i've taken so long to respond. I thought it had gone because you hadnt returned to it. I'm so sorry.

I'm still reading. And I will carry on reading. Dont EVER feel bad for needing and asking for someone to be there.

Melody - where are your thoughts at now? what happened after you considered killing yourself? how are you feeling? you must have been so scared of your own feelings, like they were running out of your control. its sounds terrifying for you. do you want to talk about it? have you been able to tell your counsellor?

on your post before you said writing here helped you, can you keep doing it?

Why has your counselling been reduced? That is just awful considering you are in such a fragile state. What were the reasons? I am so shocked. Bloody useless service. Grrrr I am so annoyed angry

life can be so shit. my niece died 10 years ago in a fire. she was 5. i had a wonderful bond with her, she was the first grandchild in our family and, for me as the youngest in the family, the first baby i'd ever got to know and love and who loved me back. so there's a piece of me gone that i will never get back. it took me 8 years to even approach the grief and unfairness of it all, and i only managed it through therapy. before that i just drank a lot and avoided all the pain. i was so angry with life (still am sometimes), it was all just so fucking unfair.

i do still have hope though, not necessarily that life will be great, just that i will be okay. and thats what i would wish for you, some belief that you will be okay and you are enough, and that people love and are proud of you because you are enough.

and i still think you are brave xx

BicBiro Mon 22-Apr-13 23:12:24

Bump

MelodyBaker Sat 27-Apr-13 22:44:27

Evening. This dropped of my I'm on list.
Counselling has been reduced because I had improved then I went backwards. I rang ooh over Easter weekend (I felt so suicidal), she told me if I was going to try to phone back and they would come out. I managed to calm myself but its scary to look in the kitchen and think if I took x amount of tablets this would all be over. I haven't felt like that for a while.

Writing does help. It helps to get it all down and get it all out. Having it all in your head is scary and tough. Seeing if written down helps a lot. I Will keep writing as long as I need too.

I am so sorry about your niece bic life is so unfair. You have to take whatever is thrown at you and its not always nice.

I am so glad that you think I am brave bic but i am not. I try to be brave, I put a smile on my face. Tonight I'm struggling, I fought with DD and she said "aunt Helen would never shout at me". That stung but its true. She cried, she knew she had upset me. She has put up with so much. She is amazing.

MelodyBaker Mon 29-Apr-13 21:57:57

Evening. I am so sick of this sometimes. I want to get of the meds and make something of my life again. I want to do a ou degree and set mine and dds life of down the right path.
Why am I posting? I really don't know. I want a rant I think and I can do that here.

MelodyBaker Fri 10-May-13 22:26:40

Today I had cruise, it went ok and I got a lot of my chest that's been upsetting me lately. So that was good. However.... This evening has been shit. Argued with DD for no reason, cried for over an hour and just felt very down. Could be hormones or the depression. I really hope its hormones. I have good days and bad. More bad than good it seems.

MelodyBaker Wed 15-May-13 22:58:06

Nobody reads this anymore. I post for the relief. When I started this thread I was so close to a breakdown. Suicidal thoughts were so common. Now, I can cope. I have counselling and I talk about my feelings. Depressions scary but you have to try to pretend its not.
I'm so much better now.

MelodyBaker Fri 17-May-13 22:04:48

I have been "discharged" from cruise but my life changing counsellor has given me her number so I can keep in touch. I can think about Helen without getting cross that she died. I remember the good times now :-)

MelodyBaker Fri 07-Jun-13 18:47:45

Got some bad news today. Really shocked me - all this shit happens to me. And I don't cope well with it.
I need some space, away from DD for a bit. She is making it hard right now. Demanding things <weeps> coping isn't easy at times like these sad.

MelodyBaker Fri 14-Jun-13 17:01:27

I'm sat here, weeping for my friend. I'm 40 on Sunday. She won't turn 40 or 50 or 60 because she's gone. I'm a snotty mess at the moment. If I could turn back time I would. I want her back. I can barley see the screen through my tears.
I miss you x

MelodyBaker Mon 24-Jun-13 21:40:28

I'm ok. I'm coping. Not 100% but I'm getting there

MelodyBaker Sun 01-Sep-13 11:50:10

Oh god, why is my life like this? I've had a screaming match with DD and I have threatened to kick her out. She's 14 and a handful but I love her. She's upstairs kicking things, why did I do this? Why did I yell at her like I've done?

MelodyBaker Sun 01-Sep-13 11:50:13

Oh god, why is my life like this? I've had a screaming match with DD and I have threatened to kick her out. She's 14 and a handful but I love her. She's upstairs kicking things, why did I do this? Why did I yell at her like I've done?

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