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Bipolar support thread?

(513 Posts)
Crawling Sun 03-Feb-13 19:04:00

Ive noticed there are quite a few of us and thought maybe a thread for us would be good. All are welcome those diagnosed and those awaiting diagnosis.

Ill start with Ive been depressed so long now I dont remember how I used to feel, yet id still prefer this to mania as the havoc I reaked last time was very painful to clean up after my episode. If I had to chart my mood today between 1-10 1 being I cant think how to make a cup of tea and 5 being good 10 being the tv is talking to me and I must go out now im about a 3 today what about you guys?

funnymum71 Sun 03-Feb-13 21:20:06

Hi Crawling. I'm bipolar and have just had the worst 12 months in a very long time. I'm just coming our of my second severe depression in that time and am having really bad moodswings.

ie - This morning I was ready to get the wallpaper stripper out as I had a really great idea about redecorating the living room (even though I'm not earning at the mo so we're broke), then this afternoon I was having anxiety and thoughts of self harm.

Its what makes me who I am, but I hope that next year I can manage to be a bit more stable.

springbanana Sun 03-Feb-13 21:44:06

I have had mood swings for months. I seem to get moods and writing things that are not my opinions. Not sure, what are my opinions really. When I am depressed I am better. I would chart my mood 3 and 7.

raininginbaltimore Mon 04-Feb-13 00:33:31

Hey. I'm in the middle if a depressive episode. Under care of perinatal team as I was admitted when my dd was 8 weeks old. She's 6 months now an I thought it was getting better. Then I broke my foot an lots of sitting aroun thinking has been bad for me.

Having that feeling now that I will always feel like this. I'm a 3.

Scheherezade Mon 04-Feb-13 00:36:04

I'm bipolar I. I have ups and downs but my major episodes are controlled by medication.

Crawling Mon 04-Feb-13 07:56:07

Hi all its sad that so many of us suffer does anyone else find they still have episodes on meds just less severe?

RaininginBaltimore that must be hard coping with a newborn and a broken foot and depression.

SpringBanana I think I read your thread where you were concerned about taking meds how is it working out for you?

funnymum I hope the next 12months are better for you.

This illness sucks.

fedupandtired Mon 04-Feb-13 08:48:16

I was diagnosed 13 years ago. Currently I'm not doing too badly. It's mostly kept under control with the meds and if I do start getting unwell usually a tweak in meds is all that's needed. I've had to make major changes in my life to get this far though.

raininginbaltimore Mon 04-Feb-13 10:40:30

I was doing so well,but the foot has knocked me back. Not being able to do much has made me worse. Now I am struggling to get out of bed.

Wat sort of changes have you made fed up? I'm supposed tone returning to work in two weeks,but doctor has signed me off. I am going to request part time hours under DDA, and hope I'm successful. I'm a teacher and full time is just too much for me.

fedupandtired Mon 04-Feb-13 14:21:09

The major one is work. I can no longer work full time and I'm in a fairly undemanding, low paid admin job and I even struggle with that most of the time. Whereas once we had a big detached house, now we have an ordinary semi. We've had to reduce our outgoings so that we can live on DH's salary so that anything I am able to earn is a bonus.

Crawling Mon 04-Feb-13 15:40:54

Sceherezade was it your thread about dla in chat the other day? if so can I be nosy and ask how long it was awarded for?

Scheherezade Mon 04-Feb-13 16:07:59

Yes it was, and its for 5 years smile

Crawling Mon 04-Feb-13 16:27:24

Thank you im just im going through a reconsideration as first decision was lrc and low mobility and for a year if needs be im wondering whether to appeal if im not happy with the revised offer.

springbanana Mon 04-Feb-13 19:36:13

I desperately need a mood chance. I can't cope with the kids anymore. Max tv already. No meds yet.

raininginbaltimore Mon 04-Feb-13 23:59:11

Think of the day in hours. Sometimes a whole day seems too much, especially when DS (3) is being difficult. So I just have to stay calm or whatever until the next hour and so on.

I am applying for DLA on advice from my team. Dunno if it will be successful.

I really hope I can get part time hours. I'm not sure how we would cope financially without it. We can't downsize or cut back anymore. I have considered jacking in teaching and going to work in a shop two days a week. The stress is often too much.

Crawling Tue 05-Feb-13 08:04:11

Raining I hope you get the dla and part yime hours.

I managed some exercize last night I am feeling better because of it now I just need to keep it going.

springpotatoe Tue 05-Feb-13 14:20:45

and the mood change came smile
I am fine now.

How did you get your diagnosis?
I got mine twelve years ago. I had been ill for about a year and ended up to hospital. I was diagnosed manic-depressive with mixed state ( i think they did not use term bipolar back then or type 1 or 2). I was quite surprised about it.

Crawling Tue 05-Feb-13 16:59:38

I as misdignosed at 15 with depression and PTSD t I was admitted then 2 1/2 years ago I had a major mixed episode and they talked about sectioning me but as the episode was over they tried talking me into staying but let me go they told me Bipolar 1 and then my pychiatrist told me it was scizoaffective ( which has all the symptoms of type 1 bipolar but scizophrenic episodes as well) whhen I was 22.

Crawling Tue 05-Feb-13 17:37:12

I also saw a link between mood disorders and migraines it said the fluctuating serotonin was responsible. I suffer them how many of you suffer them?

springpotatoe Tue 05-Feb-13 17:48:36

I do. Sometimes I just get aura without headache.

funnymum71 Tue 05-Feb-13 20:18:55

I need to apply for DLA. Its even more pressing now as I don't know if I can carry on working full-time and DH has just been made redundant. Giant arse.

Scheherezade Tue 05-Feb-13 20:39:38

I occasionally get visual migraines.

fedupandtired Tue 05-Feb-13 20:48:52

I don't suffer with migraines but I have always suffered with headaches. Seen numerous GP's over the years. Funnily enough I saw my GP just last week because I thought I'd started suffering with migraines but he ruled it out and diagnosed tension headaches. Said my neck and shoulder muscles were the tensest he'd felt all week.

Definitely not migraines though.

Crawling Wed 06-Feb-13 16:08:38

What meds and doses are you all on may I ask?

Scheherezade Wed 06-Feb-13 16:23:32

Lithium 800 and sertraline 100 I think

funnymum71 Wed 06-Feb-13 16:24:53

I'm on 600mg quetiapine and 200mg lamotrigine. I also have up to 100mg PRN quetiapine and 4mg diazepam daily.

Crawling Wed 06-Feb-13 16:28:33

Thanks good luck with the dla claim funnymum.

funnymum71 Wed 06-Feb-13 17:32:16

I need to get my arse in gear and actually fill in the forms. I'm just procrastinating at the mo.

raininginbaltimore Thu 07-Feb-13 08:02:27

I'm on 1000g lithium and 150mg venlafaxine.

I can't sleep again at moment. I've written my letter requesting part time. Just need to pluck up courage to actuall send it.

Crawling Thu 07-Feb-13 08:04:49

Oh raining I hope you get the part time hours. Do you think you are likely too?

fedupandtired Thu 07-Feb-13 09:38:07

I'm on 300-500mg quetiapine. I prefer to be on as low a dose as possible, my doctor prefers a higher dose so we compromise with me increasing when necessary.

raininginbaltimore Thu 07-Feb-13 11:05:42

I'm not sure. I was three days a week after my son was born and that was great, apart from being a head of dept. so I'm asking to drop that too. But if they can't afford it and can show it isn't reasonable, then I think I will have to quit. Long term I can't do the job with management responsibility. I do we'll for a while and then burn out and this continues in a cycle.

springpotatoe Thu 07-Feb-13 11:13:39

I can't do any management style jobs either. It is the stress which makes me crazy. I get paranoid and start to selfharm. I use to be very good dealing with stress but after the first long episode my nerves had disappeared.

Crawling Thu 07-Feb-13 18:15:55

Im not feeling to good today I think my mood has dropped to a 2. I just feel like everything is on top of me and like I want to hide from everything. I keep crying for little reason and feel like im a really really crap mum sad and I have a bad head.

daisydee43 Fri 08-Feb-13 18:12:45

Hi everyone, dh has had bipolar the whole time I've known him and at times I feel like I can't quite understand and don't know what to do. He used to have massive episodes that would erupt in an all night destroying the house and punching walls etc. he's not been like that for a while (since dd was born) but now he says he hates his job after a recent back injury and he's mood swings are so severe that we just had an argument about a takeaway. He's now put himself in a dark room and doesn't want to talk, really want to support him in this difficult time and god knows I know what it's like to hate my job, any tips?

Crawling Fri 08-Feb-13 18:29:50

I would say dont push him to talk it will mean the world to him that youre there.

Try to encourage him to do little things like bath wash eat but if he doesnt want to dont push.

Feel free to post here for support as I know being a partner must be hard.

If he talks listen unjudgementally and dont take anything he says personally.

Is he still going to work? Try doing some small things to help like run him a bath give him some alone time if he wants it ir if he doesnt stay nearby in order to reassure.

springpotatoe Fri 08-Feb-13 18:49:42

I have mood swings at the moment. Last night I got really angry. Managed to fall asleep but woke up at 1am and stayed in my bed feeling furious until 4, when I fell asleep again. Woke up really angry again. Anger changed to anxiety and sadness. atm really depressed. When i am angry my partner feels like a stranger. Nothing he sayd helps really. better leave me alone.

My partner does not really know what to do. He sent a nice text saying to me this afternoon saying he would like to help me, but does know how.

daisydee43 Fri 08-Feb-13 19:02:16

Dh has just gone out not sure where? I have taken ur advice and just assured him I'm there for him. He likes peace and quiet when he comes in but today dd was a bit loud. He says he's fed up of me ruining his evenings. It's a crazy world to live in, one minute he's the happiest and nicest person in the world and the next, he doesn't want to know you and the smallest things can set him off its like treading on egg shells atm

Bunfags Fri 08-Feb-13 19:03:36

Hi Crawling and others. Sorry to hear that so many of us are going through this.

I was diagnosed nearly 4 years ago. I'm ultra sensitive to meds, so I'm just on 200mg of lamotrigine.

fedupandtired, I've had to totally reorganise my life too. I feel so bad for DP nd DS. I have mainly been stable, but I had a really bad depressive episode recently. I can't actually remember a lot of it, but the crisis team have been coming round. They tried my on olanzipine, but it made me sleep walk. I was fetching bowls of cereal to feed to Dick Turpin and his horses that were living under my coffee table. DP told me, but I don't remember it.

I've turned the corner and not in danger of suicide, thankfully just in time, as they were talking about hospital. I still feel like the most repugnant waste of space on the face of this planet though.

Thanks for listening.

Crawling Fri 08-Feb-13 19:46:13

Daisy is he manic or depressed? I think your amazing for being willing to work through this.

Funbags welcome Im so sorry your not feeling well and sad that you have to change your life (personally im much stabler as a SAHM it makes me scared of reentering the work place) Im on olanzapine 10mg seroxat 30mg and 50mg trazodone I also sleep walk on olanzapine (I do it normally but now much woerse) me and dp have set up a code word because I have to take it after feeding the baby and I sometimes fall asleep.

one night I sat up in bed put them in my mouth lied back down while asleep and dp didnt realise I found the pills the next night when I got in bed shock so lucky the kids didnt get them.

Crawling Fri 08-Feb-13 19:47:45

sorry bunfags not funbags blush

springpotatoe Fri 08-Feb-13 20:01:29

Interesting this CT thing here in UK. I have lived other countries and they did not have any CT. If you felt suicidal you told your doctor/psych.nurse or went to A&E. Then you we sent either to hospital or back home (without any extra support like CT). I never told anyone before my suicide attempts or major SH sessions. I did not really look suicidal either, as I suffer mostly mixed states. Do you tell your cpns etc. if you feel suicidal?

Crawling Fri 08-Feb-13 20:07:12

Yes I told my cpn I was starting to think about self harm on the Tuesday ( when it was just a urge but before I had done it) and I had a app with pychiatrist on the Friday to up my doses.

springpotatoe Fri 08-Feb-13 20:14:29

That's interetsing. I do have urges, more like intrusive thoughts. I do not act on them. But then I get this big i-have-to-sh, where I make a decision to do something. And then I go and do what ever I had planned.

Crawling Fri 08-Feb-13 20:20:10

Yeah thats the same with me I get urges/thoughts but then I make a plan/decision to do it, but my CPNs are brill they act as soon as there is any sign of SH or suicide.

Bunfags Fri 08-Feb-13 20:22:19

daisydee43, you've got a lot on your plate. Can you just tell him you'll be there for him if he needs you, but just leave him to get on with things? It's not ideal if you have young children.

Crawling, I'm glad you're feeling better as a SAHM and you can enjoy your family. smile How do you find the medication? I have a kidney problem, so there are loads of things I can't take. It sounds like your DP is supportive, that's good.

Crawling Fri 08-Feb-13 20:26:28

I find it okay im breastfeeding so not alot I can take the only side effects ive had are weight gain but other than that they are great.

It must be horrid with the kidney problem its hard enough to find good meds without added physical problems to consider.

Crawling Fri 08-Feb-13 20:28:45

Can I ask how is the lamotrigine? my pych wants to add a mood stabiliser into the mix once ive finished feeding and I didnt fancy lithium.

springpotatoe Fri 08-Feb-13 21:42:59

I have had lamotrigine. I used to have lithium&lamortragine combo with some other meds. I did not get any side effects from lamotrigine. It prevents depression rather than mania. Lithium has been the best med I ever have had, but it had its side effects.

Bunfags Sat 09-Feb-13 14:10:56

I really like lamotrigine. I've tried some other meds, but they made me feel drugged and I didn't like it The only side effect from the lamotrigine was some heartburn for a couple of weeks when I started taking it. Mixed episodes are my main problem, it really helps with those.

The fact that it's weight neutral is also nice, because I've heard that weight gain can be a real issue with certain meds.

When I start to get manic, I have zopiclone. Getting some sleep for a couple of nights seems to nip it in the bud. The lamotrigine generally keeps me stable.

Crawling Sat 09-Feb-13 16:36:31

Thank you I gguess Il wait and see which one my pychiatrist thinks is best.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 09-Feb-13 16:53:17

Hi everyone...I hope you don't mind me joining in here.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2 in November. I got given meds in December - something beginning with V, because my kidney problems are too serious for lithium.

I feel so lost at the moment. We are waiting to move house (current house is freezing and very isolated) but technically have a month of our notice left to go. The new house is ready, and I asked our landlord for permission to leave early last night.

I'm so stressed. I keep crying, I can't concentrate, I'm arguing with DP all the time and I'm getting the most horrid headaches...

I feel so alone sad

Crawling Sat 09-Feb-13 17:29:08

Caja Im sorry your feeling so down moving house is stressful without having Bipolar it sounds like you may need a dose increase? Ihope your landlord lets you move early and that you feel better soon.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sat 09-Feb-13 17:53:59

Thanks Crawling.

I missed my psychatrist appointment last month, as I was hospitalized. I've been sent a new one for March, but it's a difficult date to make, and it feels so long away...

I do have a text line. I keep looking at it and wondering if I should ask them to send me more meds...they do a prescription delivery service around here. I can't find my tablets, I must have moved them last week when I was feeling okay...

It's so tough. I wish someone else could deal with everything for a while.

Crawling Sat 09-Feb-13 17:59:35

Can you ask your dp to? Sometimes when im ill dp takes over the things I find stressful like money managing sorting meds out. It might make you feel better if you dont stress I find just handing everything over and not asking or talking about it helps.

Hello. Crawling I know you've posted on a couple of my MH threads before, I hope it's ok to post here without a proper diagnosis.

Basically after having mental health problems since childhood (most commonly treated as depression and anxiety) I was completely honest with a doctor for the first time recently and she is convinced that I have bipolar disorder, probably bipolar 2. I was supposed to be seeing a psychiatrist for a full assessment on the 14th but that appointment's been cancelled and I'm waiting to hear when the new one will be

I feel so overwhelmed atm. I have up days, I have down days, I have days where my mood switches back and forth so much that I can barely keep track. I've always been like this (at least as long as I can remember) but knowing that I was on the way to a proper diagnosis had a calming effect. Now I feel like someone's pulled the rug out from under me and I just can't settle.

Are there any techniques that might help? I'm already taking Sertraline, although only 50mg. I can't exercise. Help.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 10-Feb-13 20:11:09

Thanks Crawling.

I did try speaking to DP today, but it's so hard for him to understand. He's never had or known anyone with MH issues.

Landlord visited us today and said that we can leave - but we'll remain liable for the rent. She was smiley and seemed to think she'd be doing us a favour...but we can't afford two rents, and we'd remain liable for all the costs here, and I just can't stop thinking about it.

I've bought the Sky box and duvets and biscuits and my laptop to my bedroom, and I'm living in here, because I might be able to get to some kind of liveable temperature up here.

DP did dig out my medication earlier, it's Depakote. I've taken the 500mg I'm prescribed at the moment, but the leaflet says 1000mg is a standard dose, so I'm tempted to take more in the hope that it numbs everything a bit and lets me at least semi-function.

I feel so, so alone.

funnymum71 Sun 10-Feb-13 20:27:00

I am on lamotrigine as well. I got some side effects at first - nausea and twitchy legs, but once I was on my full dose for a while all of that settled down and I find it pretty side-effect free. The quetiapine, on the other hand makes me rather dopey and gives me horrendous munchies.

joyful is Sertaline an anti-depressant? I have BP2 and anti-depressants make me anxiety central and give me awful mood swings. As soon as they were stopped, I immediately 'came down' a good notch.

I'm now on mood stabilisers (lamotrigine) and quetiapine for the depression. I'm hoping to come off quetiapine at some point as it has some annoying side effects, but when I reduced the dose without supervision, I ended up with a full blown relapse.

Caja - Do you have a care coordinator? I was assigned one when I was discharged from hospital and I call on her when I need support, including getting emergency scripts as I've forgotten to sort mine out blush.

funny yes it is, that's interesting.

fedupandtired Sun 10-Feb-13 20:49:39

So who does take an antidepressant? I have in the past but I can't take them anymore as they make me high and even more unstable. If I had a prolonged depressive episode which was difficult to treat then they'd be considered but otherwise it's a definite no-no for me.

funnymum71 Sun 10-Feb-13 20:54:18

Before the BP2 was diagnosed I was always given ADs. They either sent me hypomanic or if I was severely depressed, a shaking wreck with awful mood swings and the rest.

As soon as it was mooted as a diagnosis, they stopped the ADs and the improvement was almost immediate. I do get awful depressive episodes, but the quetiapine which is an anti-psychotic works as an anti-depressant in people with BP2.

funnymum71 Sun 10-Feb-13 20:54:52

Definite no no for me as well.

The Sertraline has helped with the depression, or at least my lows aren't so low any more. Tbh this has all come as a bit of a surprise - I always assumed I just had episodes of depression with really good spells in between.

Of course as I still don't have a formal diagnosis I suppose that's still a possibility.

fedupandtired Sun 10-Feb-13 21:47:16

Quetiapine doesn't just work as a mood stabiliser in BP2. I'm BP1 and its generally all I take. If I start getting depressed its increased and it lifts my mood. I did take venlafaxine for many years alongside lithium and then other mood stabilisers but I reckon I'd probably have been better off stopping it as soon as I was diagnosed. Hindsight is great though!

Crawling Mon 11-Feb-13 09:40:27

Joyfulpuddlejumper Welcome sorry that your appointment was cancelled.

Caja I hope you feel better soon.

Re anti depressants I was on two without a mood stabilser anti pych yo treat a depressive episode because I was breastfeeding and wanted to hold off on the heavy meds.

They dont make me manic if im in a major depressive episode but they dont work as well as mood stabilisers or anti pyschs now I take two and a anti pysch while feeding. But Im still not a 100% it just takes the edge off. on my next appointment im going to discuss stopping feeding and increasing my dose.

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 09:43:21

I've been advised to start Quetiapine, but I've just stopped smoking and I've piled on the pounds. I'm not really keen on taking a med that is notorious for weight gain. To be honest, that would just give me something to get down about. That is probably a really shallow reason for not wanting to take medication. blush

How have you people found these antipsychotics?

funnymum71 Mon 11-Feb-13 10:01:36

Most of the anti-psychotics have weight gain as a side effect. With quetiapine it's more munchies than anything else. My GP referred me to a local Active Health programme which gives me free gym membership to help keep me from putting on to much weight. I also walk everywhere I can.

For me, the side effects are worthwhile for the stability the drug gives.

Crawling Mon 11-Feb-13 10:33:42

Yep my olanzapine has caused weight gain too.

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 11:05:44

The olanzipine made me sleepwalk and do some very strange things, so I'm not going to be able to take that again! It was like some sort of crazy knock out pill that just really dulled all my senses. Is it like that for you Crawling?

The meds affect people differently, so I'm just curious. Also, funnymum, do you feel odd on Quetiapine at all? Does it make you drowsy and spaced out like some other meds?

Crawling Mon 11-Feb-13 12:00:10

I sleepwalk anyway it was increased for the first month but then it died down . I also got dry mouth, tremors and drowsy but they also stopped after a month.

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 12:16:33

Aside from the kidney problems, I'm scared of medication. Bipolar is an illness, but I worry that meds will make me stop feeling like me. Does that sound odd? The few meds I've tried apart from lamotrigine actually made me feel like I was drugged. That doesn't fill me with confidence, it smacks of 'let's sedate the crazy person so they're not a pita anymore'.

I freely accept that I may be paranoid on that count though.

funnymum71 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:18:59

It did when I started taking it, but after a while it stopped. I take a mixture of the regular Q and the XL version, which is slow release. They don't like to prescribe the slow release version as its still under patent so they can't go generic.

When I first started taking it, 25mg knocked me out. Now I'm on 600mg a day (300 regular, 300 slow release) and can take up to an extra 100mg a day as PRN and I can get through a day without problem.

funnymum71 Mon 11-Feb-13 12:20:46

I can sympathise Bunfags. Thats why I reduced the amount of quetiapine I was on, however the depression it triggered was so awful that I won't be doing that again in a hurry. I will come off it eventually, but it will be after a long period of stability and following what the psych said.

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 12:32:55

Lamotrigine work well, but the episode I just had was triggered by Champix (smoking cessation drug) I think. I checked my bank accounts the other day and was short of a lot of money. Then I slowly recalled that I had spent loads of it on crap and donated some, because I wasn't going to be around much longer.

I've never been like that before whilst depressed, and my memories of the episode are very fuzzy indeed. I still feel very down and I'm considering the Q, but if it's just a wobble from that Champix, I don't see the point in taking more meds.

I'm glad the Q agrees with you funnymummy. Iit's difficult to get the balance right. I wasn't eating much, sleeping much or exercising before my last episode and that doesn't help either. Diet, sleep and exercise are just as important as meds.

DoctorWhoFan Mon 11-Feb-13 12:57:24

Hi Bunfags, when I was thinking of giving up my friend said he'd used the Champix, but that there was no way I could use it as it could make me feel suicidal as it was well known to cause depression. He is the most stable person I know and even HE felt depressed on it.

I'm guessing it's the Champix, and your GP or whomever prescribed it to you, should have been aware of this side effect as apparently it's well known in the profession. Shocking!

I'm sorry to hear that you are still feeling very down. If you can avoid the evil Q, I would...I hate the stuff!

I had the same problem with other meds. They started me on lithium, which made me sick as a dog. Depakote did the same, and then I read on a mental health support website that a lot of people had tried the lamotrigine and had found it really good. So, I asked my psych if I could try it. I've done pretty well on it to be honest, although at the moment I'm not doing so good. I think I may have to have a med change because I suspect it's stopped working and I'm already on nearly the highest dose I can take of it. I'm scared of changing though because the side effects I've had before have been horrendous!

funnymum71 Mon 11-Feb-13 13:07:49

What dose of Lamotrigine are you on DoctorWho? It may just be that you need something temp if you're going through a bad phase, rather than a complete change, especially if its been working for you.

The folk I know with BP have a main drug and then one they take when needed. Even when I come off Q completely, I'll still have PRN available to help out short term.

DoctorWhoFan Mon 11-Feb-13 13:12:57

I'm on 450mg. Unfortunately, I've been having this bad phase for about a year now. I don't leave the house without someone with me because of the anxiety. I just can't get anything outside of the house done. I need to sign on with a new GP, but have to wait until tomorrow when a friend comes over so that she can come with me. I feel utterly pathetic.

I used to work in a high pressure job as a legal secretary. I just can't imagine working now, or for the foreseeable future. It sucks, but it is what it is. I just get through each day as best I can. My DP has never had any experience of anyone with mental health issues before, but he is absolutely amazing. I don't actually know what I'd do without him at the moment.

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 13:56:40

Sorry to hear that you're feeling dodgy DoctorWhoFan. I feel much the same way, but I've just been told that it's to be accepted. The Psych, CPN and GP all said that no amount of meds will stop all the bipolar symptoms. They advised that medication is just one of the tools for managing the condition. I'm discharged from the recovery team now, so I just see my GP. He said that the mental health services are under a lot ofo strain and want to get people off their books as quickly as possible, but bipolar is a chronic condition that requires managing.

It hadn't even occurred to me that the lamotrigine might not be effective anymore.

How long have you known you had BP?

Crawling Mon 11-Feb-13 17:05:22

Does anyone else find that their memories of a manic episode are fuzzy?

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 17:46:49

Deffo Crawling.

Crawling Mon 11-Feb-13 19:15:02

I also wondered does anyone experience hypersexual (sleeping with people other than thier partner) and hyporage?

If so am I the only one who finds this very traumatic and gets flashbacks of the things ive done?

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 20:10:24

Crawling, I have become very angry. Yy to the hypersexuality too. I still get flashbacks of manic episodes and cringe. God, I'm cringing now.sad blush

Crawling Mon 11-Feb-13 20:29:12

This illness sucks Bunfags sad

Bunfags Mon 11-Feb-13 20:30:55

Do you think we can find a way to make light of it? On the good side, I can look back at some of the things I've done during a manic episode and see the funny side now. I bet you can too.

Crawling Tue 12-Feb-13 11:27:44

Yes some are funny one thing that sticks in my mind is when I was pg on Dc1 I became paranoid that dp was cheating but Whats funny is the image of me 8-9 months pg trying to creep and hide in bushes trying to be all stealthy in order to catch him cheating.

Needless to say I was neither hidden nor stealthy the image of the above me 9 months pg and crouching in a bush makes me laugh. What must people of thought?

Bunfags Tue 12-Feb-13 12:11:30

That's a goodun Crawling. grin See, it's not all doom and gloom. smile That is rather comical, hope you don't mind me saying so. I've had the paranoia about DP having affairs too.

How are you feeling today? I'm feeling down at the moment. It's difficult to deal with people at the moment because I'm very fragile. I can't tell most people that I'm feeling this way because some bright spark will tell me to pull myself together. I hate the idea of having to justify my mental health to people, so I'm basically a hermit these days. sad

Crawling Tue 12-Feb-13 12:21:01

Bunfags sad I am a hermit to its hard im sorry your feeling so down today take it easy and try to see every thing you manage to do as a achievement. Do you have a sad box? It is horrid peoples opinions on mental health.

Im feeling a bit better today still dont have the energy to do much though. Feel free to laugh at me hiding in bushes me and dp do. I dont know sometimes how dp put up with me I really dont.

DoctorWhoFan Tue 12-Feb-13 13:35:11

Haha Crawling that's genius! Sorry to hear you're feelin crsppy Bunfags I'm feeling exactly the same. I had a friend let me down YET again today, and I'm really wondering what the point of having RL friends is. Every single one of them lets me down. Maybe I'm impossible to have a relationship with, but my DP and I have been together for nearly 3 years, so that shoots that idea down, especially as he has seen me really bad.

I dunno. I'm starting to feel it's just not worth the effort, especially as so much of it seems to be one way. Sorry ladies. Feeling crappy.

The only reason I'm even out of bed is that she was supposed to be coming over. I'd have had a duvet day otherwise.

Bunfags Tue 12-Feb-13 14:43:23

What's a sad box Crawling?

I'm glad you're feeling better today. I'm low on energy too, but I need to be getting back into work.

Sounds like you're having a rough time of it too DoctorWhoFan. It's upsetting when that happens, did she phone first? You never know though, being this way makes me wonder who else could be depressed or anxious and putting on a brave face. Do you feel better for getting up though?

I've managed to piss someone off today. I volunteered to do a few bits and bobs for them, but haven't done much recently. It's not as though I can say, "look, I've had an episode of depression with psychotic features, narrowly avoided hospitalisation and frankly, I'm still feeling rather unhinged."

It's an effort to get washed, dressed and eat at the moment, but it's embarrassing to admit that and some people really don't understand.

Crawling Tue 12-Feb-13 15:44:13

A sad box is a box you put some faverite things in like chocolate fave films fave books anything that makes you smile photos. You put them in and then you cant go near the box unless its a sad day then you can get it out. It only works if you dont go in there when happy though.

DoctorWhoFan sory your feeling rough I hope you feel better soon though. I had a few one way friends I dropped them as they were making things harder for me.

GoddessofSuburbia Tue 12-Feb-13 18:39:07

Can I join in? BP2 here, on 150mg of lamotrigine morning and night, with prn lorazepam/zolpidem when I'm getting manic. Usually I'm pretty stable, but having to take prednisolone because I've got pneumonia on top of fairly severe asthma has meant that its all kicked off in rather a horrid way.

Currently I'm so low, so anxious, so much like an empty shell. About pretty much nothing too; in that I've got no real reason to feel the way I do apart from my flippin' neurotransmitter a have decided to have a hissy fit. I'm hiding upstairs in bed (perhaps I should join Vicarinatutu's thread too) and leaving my DP to the marauding attentions of our teenage offspring, who, along with DC1's girlfriend, have decided to make cake pops. They are all also singing opera loudly, and badly. DC4 is hassling to go buy a glue gun. I feel guilty as hell for not helping out when I could, but just don't want to. I bloody hate this illness, and I bloody hate functional depression. At least when I'm really ill there's no option for me to be able to do things, thus relieving some if the guilt...

Crawling Tue 12-Feb-13 19:45:58

Welcome Goddess I get what your saying about feeling guilty about not doing much. Im sorry your feeling so down particularly anxiety I hate anxiety. I hope you feel better soon.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 12-Feb-13 20:29:10

I'm sorry to intrude but...

Does anyone take Depakote? Is it safe to increase my dose?

I feel very close to the edge tonight. Ive spent the last half an hour swilling hot oil around the pan and resisting the urge to touch it, and now I'm crying upstairs. There's nothing left. It's been a horrible day but this has been building and I don't know what to do.

Crawling Tue 12-Feb-13 20:49:58

Caja I dont take depakote is there someone there with you? Can you last till morning and then phone your cpn to ask? If not what about crisis?

Bunfags Tue 12-Feb-13 20:55:34

Crawling, the sad box is an great idea, thanks.

GoddessofSuburbia, it's easier said than done, but try not to feel guilty. You are looking after your mental health, and it's just what you have to do. Sorry to hear that you're having a rough time. Let yourself off the hook though, you don't need to give yourself a harder time.

CajaDeLaMemoria, How are you feeling now? Perhaps a cry will help you feel better? I've never taken Depakote. Can you call anyone like your GP tomorrow. You could even call your local crisis team and ask them if they can find out about meds. I'm sure they would be able to help. Don't be afraid to use any help you can.

funnymum71 Tue 12-Feb-13 20:59:18

I know I shouldn't laugh, but this comment...

"look, I've had an episode of depression with psychotic features, narrowly avoided hospitalisation and frankly, I'm still feeling rather unhinged."

Could have been me speaking to my boss today about why I'm not going to be back in work until the end of the month. Its the truth about what's happened over the last two months, but instead I've had to be upbeat and positive.

funnymum71 Tue 12-Feb-13 21:02:59

What I love about this thread and reading it, is the realisation that I'm NOT alone.

No, I am not happy that people are feeling miserable, down and having a hard time. But having somewhere to come and talk about it and know that its not just me really helps.

I've not taken depakote, but my GP has prescribed me some zopiclone so I can actually get to sleep at night. Hooray.

Bunfags Tue 12-Feb-13 21:13:11

It's absoulutely fine funny. I just wish I had the balls to say stuff like this sometimes. Some people don't understand, but I bet some people would take it in their stride. You can never tell who will be sound about things though.

You've got to look on the funny side, because it helps you to deal with it, but some things can also be funny in retrospect. Like Crawling and her DH.

Once I convinced myself that the government bugged my phone because I looked at the David Icke website. I'm actually more ashamed of looking at David Icke's site than being delusional. Please don't judge me for it. blush In my defence, I wasn't well at the time.

Bunfags Tue 12-Feb-13 21:15:52

Funny, it does help when you know what other people have gone through. One of the reasons I'm very careful about who I tell, is because you can become very ill with bipolar. A lot of people think you just feel happy and sad, but it goes way beyond that and you can become very ill, as in scary ill. I worry about people judging me for that.

TheDeathOfMirage Tue 12-Feb-13 21:44:47

Good evening everyone. got myself banned for the fourth time hence name change.

I am feeling rather elated and clever tonight. But as usual, back to the depression by tomorrow morning.

GoddessofSuburbia Wed 13-Feb-13 10:07:04

What I love about this thread and reading it, is the realisation that I'm NOT alone.

No, I am not happy that people are feeling miserable, down and having a hard time. But having somewhere to come and talk about it and know that its not just me really helps.

This. Oh yes. Also yes yes to fuzzy memories, to the extent I try to get DP to keep a record of what happened and when, so I can debrief and make sense of it all when I'm well again. And yes yes to cringing embarrassment upon getting hazy snatches coming back to you. Time for one of my selected 'highlights', given that we are sharing. I don't remember much of this; he told me between giggles when I was well enough to have him debrief me. I'd been spooling up for the previous day or so, and was fairly, erm, exuberant. When I'm high, I come all over unnecessarily domestic goddess-y, and get urges to clean the house like never before. In my well state I veer towards slatternly-ness, as I find there's inevitably more interesting things to do than wash skirting boards, etc. I'd nigh on exhausted my DP, who is my tail gunner when I'm ill. He also has BP2, and thus gets it completely. He'd been following me around all day and evening, making sure I wasn't doing anything too daft. He found me on my hands and knees in the kitchen, about to scrub the kitchen floor for the third time that day. He calmly asked me if I thought it was really a good idea, and suggested that perhaps scrubbing the floor again could wait until the morning given the time. I'm told I petulantly tossed my head, in a manner similar to that of your average toddler, and haughtily informed him that "I always wash the kitchen floor at midnight!" Given he'd never before or since seen me wash the floor- I usually get a child to do it- I still haven't lived that one down.

Bunfags, it's funny, I worry about the opposite. I worry that people judge me more harshly if they don't know I'm ill. As in, I figure that if they know I'm ill then at least I have a sort of a hope they'll understand the reasons for why I'm behaving as I do, rather than just assume I'm being a complete moron out of choice/lack of consideration for others. I figure it's a bit like sneezing when you have hayfever; sneeze in a lift, and people step to one side for fear of catching a cold. Tell them you have hayfever (if indeed you do, and it's hayfever season of course), and they nod, visibly relax, and make vague understanding noises. At least some of the time...

Today, so far, is not quite as bad as yesterday. Fingers crossed it remains that way.

DoctorWhoFan Wed 13-Feb-13 13:06:01

Morning ladies. I should probably say afternoon, but seeing as I took my quetiapine last night and have only been awake for about 20 minutes, afternoon seems a little inappropriate.

How's everyone doing today? I'm a little worried about Caja as shes not posted since saying she felt close to the edge.

II'm feeling like hammered shit, frankly. But hey ho. The worst of it is, when I take the quetiapinem I have utterly horrible dreams about my DP leaving me. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and without question, the love of my life. And at 45 I feel quite entitled to say that, cos I've dated a shit load of scumbags! But the thought of being without him sends me spiralling down.

My life would literally not be worth living without him. I can't tell him that though, cos its a lot of pressure to put on someone you love who has seen you suicidal, and found the goodbye letters you wrote when you were like that.

Sorry about the "poor me" post, but I really needed to let it out. Flipping meds make me feel worse than when I don't take them!

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 17:03:19

Doctorwhofan sad I feel exactly the same about my dp he is the only one who has stuck by me through the episodes and previous partners have either abused me to punish me for my mania or just walked.

It means so much that hes still here.
Im feeling quite down today mostly because I need to get a statement for my severly autistic dd but Whats really getting me is that I stupidly trusted HCP. Dd was supposed to start school in September but the school said they couldnt meet her needs so Ive been begging for information on getting her in a special school and only found out Friday (off mnet)in order to guarantee her a place I need a statutory assessment which takes 26 weeks which means it probably wont be ready by Sept. No HCP and we see many bothered to tell me.

To top it off its half term so I have to wait a week to start it. I just keep kicking myself I should of looked harder into how to do this but I just stupidly thought that HCP would advise on the best way. Feel like such a rubbish mum.

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 17:08:08

Also pissed at myself because I spent so much time getting dla sorted when I could of been using it to get a statement which was more important and feel like I should of focused on school not bloody money.

I just thought shed automatically get what she needed.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 13-Feb-13 17:15:02

Hi everyone...

Sorry for just disappearing. I called the crisis team and they weren't very fast to respond, so I ended up falling asleep.

I felt a bit calmer when I woke up this morning, but then our house was broken into while I was upstairs. They kicked the door in so I barricaded myself into my bedroom...the police got here in time, and the kind police lady sat with me for a few hours because I was so shaken. I've cried all afternoon but I think I'm out of tears now, I've got such a headache.

I'm waiting for the crisis team again, in the hope that they will actually be able to help me. This feels like a vicious downwards spiral.

Crawling and DoctorWhoFan...I hope you feel better soon. It's meant a lot that you understand, so I am very grateful.

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 17:50:08

Caja Im so glad to see you back but how terrifying that must of been for you how are you feeling about it now? I hope the police caught them.

funnymum71 Wed 13-Feb-13 19:48:14

I have ups and downs with my DH, but I can't knock how supportive he's been of me over the last few years. I'm horrible to him when I'm ill, but he sticks it out. He does all of the mornings with the children as I'm so zonked on my meds first thing and he deals with the children when I just can't.

Caja - that sounds horrendous and scary. I'm glad you're OK and the police helped. Do you know if they've caught them?

Crawling - My DS has ASD and we went through all of the same stuff. As your DD is about to start school, they can push through assessment and statementing. Most LEAs have a parent partnership rep - try and get in contact with them as they can help you get the statementing pushed through.

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 20:08:12

Thank you so much funnymum that is really helpful, coincedently my dd has ASD to.

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 20:11:32

Oops I already said she had ASD in my previous post blush.

Bunfags Wed 13-Feb-13 20:13:42

Caja, how terrible for you, but I'm glad you came out of it unscathed. What Crawling said, are you OK now?

DoctorWhoFan, Is there any chance of changing meds? It's a pita, but the quetiapine sounds rough. It's a shame that so many meds have these horrible side effects.

Crawling, when you beat yourself up, it's the illness talking. It sounds like you're busy and under stress, but coping brilliantly.

Funnymum, I feel sorry for DP. I am a complete nightmare at the moment and worry I'll drive him away.

I'm feeling very paranoid today and think everyone hates me and that I'm a crap person. Still, I'm feeling better than I was a couple of weeks ago.

Thanks so much for this thread everyone.

funnymum71 Wed 13-Feb-13 20:17:48

grin Crawling. I've been through the whole school / statement / DLA stuff with my DS over the last few years. My best friend turned out to be the chap from Parent partnership as I just didn't know what I was doing. If your DD already has a diagnosis then it should make it easier to get the statement sorted. In my area they give priority to kids who are about to start school, so don't panic too much about not having one yet and the time it takes.

Caja - I can really sympathise with feeling worried about your DP. Its especially hard when you're feeling down and paranoid, but I am sure that you are still loveable even if you don't believe it yourself.

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 20:47:44

Thanks bunfags and funnymum funbags I often write how I feel and then compare it in a few weeks as it helps to know im getting better not worse. Its good that you can look back and see that just because your still ill doesnt mean you are not a bit better.

Funnymum as im sure your aware having a sn child is bloody hard work let alone when you have your own illness to monitor. I really am grateful for your advice about parent partnership.

Crawling Wed 13-Feb-13 20:49:39

I keep mixing your name up bunfags im very sorry I keep thinking it right then type the wrong thing blush

Bunfags Wed 13-Feb-13 21:05:07

Thanks Crawling. I can't remember much of the recent episode, but I have to laugh at sleepwalking on the olanzipine. Feeding Dick Turpin and his horses under my coffee table ffs. How random. confused I don't remember it, but DP does! I am still considering the Quetiapine, even though I'm starting to feel better.

You know how it is when you're low, torturing yourself with all the things you've done wrong and feeling as though things will never get better, that I'm a shit mum and a shit partner. Like people would be better off if I wasn't here - although not actually suicidal iyswim. It would be nice to stop that. Will antipsychotics help do you think? Thanks again for the sad box idea. smile

Having a SN child sounds like very hard work. I only have one teenage DC, so I think you two are superwomen. smilewine

Don't worry about the name Crawling. I may change it soon, as bunfags sounds too much like funbags. Funbags is abit ick.

TheDeathOfMirage Thu 14-Feb-13 09:27:43

Definiatly getting better. I don't feel so tired anymore. But I guess that is just getting bettersmile. No strange thoughts either smile. Last time I started to feel better I started to get strange thoughts, which almost got out of hand. "Luckily" I got depressed again.

When I am hypomanic I tend to do dangerous things, because I think I am some sort of super(wo)man. I also get grandiose thoughts, but I have never overspent or shopped until I dropped.

Crawling Thu 14-Feb-13 15:00:21

Bunfags anti pyschs have definetly helped me id give them a try there are so many you should be able to find one that suits you. Can I ask what dose of olanzapine were you on?

TheDeathOfMirage Im glad you feel better I hope you dont start having strange ideas .

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 16:14:33

It's hard to say whether antipsychs gave helped me. Although I feel so numb at the moment I have no idea if my mood has improved, though I'd hazard a guess at no, as I was crying all over my DP last night when he got home from work saying I was a terrible person and he should leave me...

DoctorWhoFan Thu 14-Feb-13 16:15:36

They knock me out cold at night though...and most of the rest of the day unfortunately!

Crawling Thu 14-Feb-13 19:05:57

Doctorwhofan I would ask for a different one because mine doesnt leave me drowsy as long as I have 8-10 hours. You might react better to a different one.

Bunfags Thu 14-Feb-13 22:07:37

TheDeathOfMirage, I'm glad you're feeling better, just be wary of going too high! Do you get disturbed sleep at first? If so, you can have zopiclone for a couple of nights to sort you sleep out and that can nip it in the bud.

DoctorWhoFan, I'm seriously considering the antipsychs. Unless I'm severely depressed, my mind tends to race, but not in a good way, I feel very gnarly. The depression is kind of gone, but I have been having the worst cigarette cravings today and I feel so angry. It's one of those days where everything enrages you. You were saying about rage Crawling. I get it more often that I'd like. I just have to seclude myself otherwise I might snap at people.

I'm not talking to DP, because I'm convinced that he hates me and wants me to piss off. On top of it all, I ran out of lamotrigine the day before yesterday and forgot to order a repeat prescription. I'm going to have to go without until Tues next week. Doh! Tbh I think the old bipolar is a little out of control after the Champic incident. Forgetting my meds won't help either. I don't know whether I'm coming or going at the moment.

Crawling, I think I had 20 mg of olanzapine. I'm wondering if Quetiapine might be calming.

TheDeathOfMirage Thu 14-Feb-13 22:39:59

Bumbags:Thanks for warning but I have lately only got depressions and mixed states. The last hypomania was six years ago. At the moment I feel energetic and jolly but at the same time bad. The bad feeling is anxiety, I assume. Sleeping ok, too.
Interesting you mentioned mind racing when not depressed. I have had twice now a period of bizarre thoughts and some hallucinations. I feel fine but then those thoughts came up. They get stronger and weirder, then suddenly I got depressed again. When depressed I think clearly. After some weeks of depression of different levels I got better and the thoughts came back. A depression followed. Now I think I am fine.

GoddessofSuburbia Fri 15-Feb-13 12:07:48

Hi guys! Sorry to hear everyone is feeling rather crap- not wanting to gloat, but I've leveled out, thank god. I still have tiredness, and the remains of a neurochemistry headache, but I'm ok now.

Bunfags, I'm really worried you've not had lamotrigine for several days already, and not going to be able to get some until next week. You really need to get some. If you can't get a full repeat script, go to the pharmacy you usually use, taking the box with you. They should be able to give you enough of an emergency supply to tide you over. Obviously, you need to take it from a controlling your illness point of view, but also from a physical pov too. I don't mean to scare you, honestly, but lamotrigine is an anticonvulsant drug. Even if you don't normally have seizures, stopping it suddenly can sometimes cause a seizure. Please go to your GP, pharmacy, or even out of hours if need be- you won't be making an unnecessary fuss; they will take it seriously. If you leave it until next week, you'll also need to titrate back up to your regular dose again, in the same way you did when you first started it otherwise you run the risk of all the nasties you were probably warned about.

I'm so sorry if I've scared or stressed you out. It's just that's what my psych and pharmacist told me when I started taking lamotrigine, and it's also what I was told when I was studying pharmacology- I'm a nurse.

TheDeathOfMirage Fri 15-Feb-13 13:24:45

Thanks for Lamictal info GoddessofSuburbia. I did stop it straight from 200 mg to zero by myself... I had been mentally stable for a year (and was three years afterwards). But I probably would have stopped it differently if knowing what you told.

I feel happy but at the same time I have this heavy bad feeling.

Bunfags Fri 15-Feb-13 13:39:53

Thanks for your advice GoddessofSuburbia. I get my lamotrigine from the dispensary at my GP's. If you cock up ordering your repeat prescription it's tough tits. I'll just have to muddle through until I get the repeat script and titrate back up.

I can't believe it, I've been so good with my meds for ages now. blush

Crawling Fri 15-Feb-13 15:11:28

Bunfags 20 is quite a high dose its sais on the leaflet its the max recommended so perhaps asking for a low to middle dose of a different anti pysch would help without loads of side effects. Also were you gradually tapered on e.g 2.5 then 5 then 7.5 and so on?

The reason I ask is my pychiatrist sais when people are started on a high dose straight off they get more side effects so he always introduces a new med slowly as people are more likely to tolerate it then.

Bunfags Fri 15-Feb-13 15:20:38

Crawling, a member of the crisis team said it was a high dose of olanzepine, but I think they just wanted to knock me out so I wasn't a danger to myself. The crisis team brought it round for me. I took it just the once and then didn't take it again because of the sleep walking. They offered me the Quetiapine after that, but the experience with the olanzepine put me off taking it.

TheDeathOfMirage Fri 15-Feb-13 15:39:48

argh. I got yesterday letter that I have psych meeting next friday. My oh usually gives me lift. This time he had decided to go business trip on that day one hour before the post arrived.. The trip involves several people so he can't cancel it anymore. Why on earth they inform about the appointments so late? This was a routine appointment and had been scheduled weeks ago. My last one was two months ago, and now the next one is not going to be anytime soon.

Crawling Fri 15-Feb-13 15:43:49

Ask for a low dose of quitapine and a gradual start.

Bunfags Fri 15-Feb-13 15:57:51

Psychs seem to have a huge workload TheDeathOfMirage. Can you get a taxi if it's one off?

thanks Crawling. I'll make dr's appointment and ask him about it.

TheDeathOfMirage Fri 15-Feb-13 16:03:33

With a baby and a toddler it is difficult. Toddler gets tantrums and is very difficult. Unfortunately it is half trem and toddler is at home. With only baby it would have been doable. I don't want to travel without safety seats, and toddlers seat is huge and very hard to transfer. If only they would have sent me the letter earlier.

Crawling Fri 15-Feb-13 20:18:14

TheDeathOfMirage thats a pain will getting a new appointment take long? If you ask taxis will often fetch car seats meaning you wont need to lug heavy car seats around and in the past my cpns have looked after dc so I can go to appointments in peace is any of this possible?

TheResurrectionOfMirage Fri 15-Feb-13 20:51:21

The toddler seat is rearward and to put in place is very difficult and takes ages. I just don't have patience to do it atm. cpn would have given a lift as well. I don't know when I will get a new appointment but I was told that it will take time. Anyway, I am not on meds so no need to meet psych.

nenevomito Fri 15-Feb-13 22:31:01

It takes ages to get a psych appt here. Usually have to wait at least a couple of months for one, which is fine when I'm high, but feels like an eternity when I'm not.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sat 16-Feb-13 09:32:39

Today morning my oh figured a way how I can get there relatively easy smile. Hopefully they have not given it away. They should have stated on the letter that if you can't make to the appointment you will end up at end of the waiting list... It was written that you can reschedule it.

I am so upset about this thing. I woke up at four and just wanted to die. The feeling was so overhelming. I ended up sh a little. It did not help at all. Still feeling bad but can bear it somehow.

Crawling Sat 16-Feb-13 17:46:53

Theresurrection of mirage glad you found a way to get there.

I have decided to appeal my dla decision I could really do without this added stress on top of everything else.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sat 16-Feb-13 18:51:24

I just hope they have not given the appointment away. I think I really need it now. My moods has changed. I feel really restless and not at all tired like you feel when depressed. My thoughts go from thinking I can fly to I want to die. Sometimes I feel really happy but at the same time bad, if this makes sense. I hope I can sleep tonight.

Crawling Sat 16-Feb-13 18:57:15

It sounds a bit like a mixed episode which are not fun I hope im wrong though. I really hope you get the appointment.

nenevomito Sat 16-Feb-13 21:59:29

Were you turned down for DLA crawling? I sent my forms off this week and could really do with the financial help.

Mixed episodes suck don't they.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sat 16-Feb-13 22:04:56

I have had a looong mixed episode in my past. It was (partly) treatment resistant sad. Luckily I don't feel so bad now. I am feeling sleepy, which is good.

Crawling Sun 17-Feb-13 09:19:50

Babyheave I got low rate care and low mobility but I think I should get middle rate at least.

nenevomito Sun 17-Feb-13 12:49:59

I'd like middle rate, so I your appeal is successful. I'm already nervous about the outcome. I really really need the help.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 12:51:19

HI all may I join. I am really feeling the 'not alone' thing reading all this!

I'm diagnosed with bipolar II, few hypomanic episodes in life (last one wrecked my life and marriage as I became hypersexual, lost all guilt and sense of consequence... and god yes I cringe to think of the wankers I slept with and my idiotic behaviour).

Ex h never forgave me for this and all the crazy lying I did. He thinks i am just a shit person now, and often so do I.

He is very controlling and I have 50/50 custody of my kids imposed on me with a 3 day handover so I can never get away from him and his contempt. It's a horrible life atm although I am materially ok unlike many on here.

I am struggling to keep hold of my job in academia, people do'nt understand my symptoms and atm I'm in a typical agitated depression. Wake up panicking every morning and trying to write a book but keep feeling it is shit, what's the point, I should be dead. Nothing will ever go right again, the future is black. Etc.

I can hardly believe now that I used to be a life and soul of the party type :D

If any of you are in London or nearby it would be great to meet with some people who 'get it'. I'm really isolated atm. Have come out to a lot of people and work about my illness, but I do think people don't understand and see you as sick or tainted.


GoddessofSuburbia Sun 17-Feb-13 13:16:54

Oh my word Godless- you could be me, including our usernames! Even down to ex-husbands. I've got 50:50 access with my children, and he's forever trying to use my illness against me. Luckily the kids (mostly) tell him what he's saying is a load of bollocks. Just this morning dd2 told me that he'd said mental health nurses get paid more because of the risks they take at work because all mentally ill people are violent and try to kill them... hmm

To everyone who's applying for dla; I applied for ESA last time I was really ill, and was awarded the highest rate. My cpn told me that as bipolar can vary so much from day to day, I needed to answer the questions from the point of view of being the most ill I could be, even if I wasn't that bad at the time I was filling the form in. I don't know if things have changed since universal credit though.

GoddessofSuburbia Sun 17-Feb-13 13:18:58

Oh, forgot to say I'm totally up for meeting, if anyone else is. I'm in the N. North West though, so not sure if anyone is nearby.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sun 17-Feb-13 13:26:38

I fell flat on my face again. Very depressed in the morning. Now more energy but feeling crap. I slept really badly, kept waking up all the time. I really go through "50 shades of suicidal thoughts". This time I just want to die, because there is no solution my situatuation. Yetserday because It just felt so romantic. I felt I could fly. I was thinking climbing a high building and jumping. I f I was not able to fly I would die. win-win situation, so to say. Tomorrow calling cpn about the appointment. Not even sure if I can make it to Friday.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 14:16:14

oh Goddess I'm sorry to hear it. Isn't it awful.

H doesn't go so far as to call me violent etc (to my face) but has openly called me a shit mother, told me his nanny is a better mum to the children than me, etc. I was told 4 years ago that he had only 'given' me 50/50 custody because 'that was fair' although I don't 'deserve' it. Etc.

A weird thing is that lately (since I came off my SSRIs which were making me WORSE!) I have been a lot more with it, been washing kids games kits, engaging better with the school etc. He HATES that and has been ramping up the 'competition' massively.

I can't go to parents evenings etc with hiim any more as he spends the whole time trying to prove how amazing he is. He is obsessed with being the perfect dad.The mummy and the daddy.

I know some of this is because I have been at times a bad mother due to illness BUT he doesn't see that his behaviour over the last 4 years (I still don't have a divorce as he won't settle financially, for instance) have contributed to my illness a lot. I live in rented small house atm, he is sitting in massive 5 bed in expensive area, but says he cannot 'afford' to divorce me. Boys are at very expensive school and he requires nanny and other domestic staff to look after them as he works long hours!! etc. So altogether their mad mum is being pushed out of their lives so that he can carry on as if I didn't exist).

God I am so sad and anxious and just want to die. I have to fight him for the next 10 years and I am finding it so hard to hold down my job let alone do the very hard work i need to do to stay afloat. I've got 2 books to write!!! aaaaargh.

Anyway enough moaning.

Resurrection I keep thinking about suicide too and wondering why it's so hard to do it a nice gentle way. At my worst I was obsessing about jumping off buildings etc and I still think about it every day... .I can't bear the thought of the pain. Then I start to think I'm a coward!! etc
I know i must stay alive for the boys better a shit mad mum than a dead one eh :D and I know i have things to live for, I am intelligent and can write etc but I feel like the living dead. sad

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 14:25:25

sorry guys for blurting out my shitty problems all over the thread. I'd like to be supportive to others rather than just splurging. I just feel out of control and I have been alone apart from the kids for about 10 days now (and xH at handover), haven't seen a soul apart from the neighbour to talk about a water leak :D so am probably going more than usually nuts :D

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sun 17-Feb-13 14:41:12

Thank God I did not have kids with my violent and controlling ex-husband when reading your posts. He was a psychopath.

Crawling Sun 17-Feb-13 15:21:16

Thanks Babyheave hears hoping yours goes smoothly and you get the middle rate.

Welcome to domesticgoddess dont worry about splurging thats what the threads for smile The situation with your husband sounds hard and stressful. Its sad that he cant look past the illness and realise even though youve split up you still need support.

He sounds a bit of a ass if you dont mind me saying.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 15:50:09

Hi Crawling. Yeah I really think he is an ass. A narcissist rather than a psychopath. It's very worrying, the control he wants over the boys and the fact he is happy to see me shoved out of their lives just so he can keep his delusions of grandeur going.

He even said to me recently that he was happy for me to go live nearer my work (in another county) and become the non resident parent. Nothing at all about whether the boys would actually want that. It is just all about him him him and the fact that that would save him money as a house for me outside London is cheaper. He can't afford two houses and the upper middle class lifestyle he has established for the boys. If I ask him to sell the house and settle with me that way, I am being 'disruptive to the boys'. Etc.

But apparently it won't be disruptive for me to go and live 1.5 hours away and see them every other weekend :S

in the past I always thought he was a better person than me- cos he was not 'crazy'- but since my manic episode I've had to reconsider that. He's shown himself to be a superior, unempathic c*nt and my bad behaviour doens't justify it, as I was clearly off my head and have changed entirely since. But I guess it's too easy to dismiss me as being a 'bad person' (his family do the exact same and back him up).

I wonder if in fact people with bipolar and other mental health problems are more likely to end up with controlling/abusive people because of our self esteem issues etc. And that controlling people can smell what they think of as 'weakness'....

I think sometimes our manic episodes are trying to tell us that something (other than being ill) is wrong with our lives. But I wish to god they'd do it in a more manageable way.

My depression's easing off toward the evening/afternoon, do others find that happens too? I heard it is a common bipolar thing as is oversleep which I do all the time :/

I still feel shit but I can live with it now :D

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sun 17-Feb-13 15:58:16

My depression gets better, mainly the tiredness eases off. Otherwise I feel crap.

Crawling Sun 17-Feb-13 16:02:48

I get worse as the day draws on personally. Your situation sounds like a nightmare. Re abusive partners I had a few of those when I was younger before I was diagnosed in my case I didnt go out with nice people because I knew something happened to me which made me hurt those I loved and I didnt want to hurt someone nice IYSWIM.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 16:38:40

Funny Resurrection I feel sort of more tired but the anxiety fades offf.

I start imagining a future maybe 10 years time when I am free of all this shit, and I know it can happen, the problem is living until then.

Oh gosh Crawling what you say about hurting those you love is so true sad makes it hard to be a mum.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 16:40:24

Btw although I keep it confidential as am labelled a bad mother by all and sundry for even contemplating becoming a non resident parent- I have a plan which keeps me sane, to move out of london in about 7 years or so and live in a smaller town in a house I can call my own. I think I can only stand it here so long under ex's constant vigilance. The boys will be teenagers then and may have other plans for me (!) but the dream keeps me (relatively) sane.

Bunfags Sun 17-Feb-13 16:41:26

Godless, your X sounds like an utter penis. It is no consolation to you, but DS's dad is such a waste of space not even DS wants to speak to him. DS is 14 and used to idolise his dad, so the truth will out!

My Bunfags is the ony non-abusive partner I've had btw. Things aren't great between us at the moment tbh. He asked me if I'd been taking my lamotrigine earlier. For some reason I lied and said yes. I have no idea why. He thought I've been a bit manic. To be fair, I have been on a weird domestic goddess trip and the kitchen is full of freshly baked goods and I've been frantic in the garden. It's a relief to feel like I've got a bit of get up and go.

Can I ask other people if you are all under the care of MH professionals? I was discharged from the recovery team to my GP. I am just about to start group art therapy and I was told to use the crisis team. Apparently I'm "cured"?confused

I've had some shitty relationships and slept with some unsavoury characters. I really cringe when I think about it.

Lots of love to you all on this Sunday. smile

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 17:33:38

god yes the unsavoury characters.. in my case all right-wing tossers including one total Eurosceptic... and me the epitome of a ranty public sector left winger smile that's how I knew I'd really gone mad :S

I bumped into one of them on the train a few weeks ago... I really could not understand how I could ever have borne to spend the evening with him let alone have an affair with him :/

ooh a domestic goddess trip sounds good Bunfags. I have got a bit more energy myself since I can see Spring coming and am laundering a lot in a slightly manic way. But I can get v agitated and angry about housework. Baked goods? Not a chance :D

As I have been suicidal on and off (more on) for about 5 years now I finally got 6-9 months therapy. Before that it was just shit. Nothing but 6 weeks CBT (and that only when I was pregnant- I think it was more about the baby's welfare than mine). I think some of it is a postcode lottery. And will only get worse with cuts to funding. Ah what a great country we live in!!!

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 17:34:12

Also I've found private therapists to be bloody useless as well, tbh.

Bunfags Sun 17-Feb-13 18:10:18

One of the reason's DS doesn't speak to his dad anymore is that DS is basically gay. He is only 14, but he has never been into typical 'boys' stuff - I think you can tell with some people from quite a young age. He sort of came out a few months ago. His dad is a homophobis tosser and was taking this piss out of DS on Facebook. DS likes some really girly stuff, so his dad was ripping him for being a "gaylord" - only DS actually is gay it turns out.

Opposites attract though domesticgodless!

I can bake in a very scarey fashion, so it's not exactly picnic baskets and Cath Kidston! Possibly more like Delia Smith on crystal meth.? grin

Crawling Sun 17-Feb-13 18:25:59

Bunfags your poor ds it must be hard enough coming out without a homophobic dad to boot sad

Bunfags Sun 17-Feb-13 18:38:53

We relocated a few years ago. I separated from his dad when DS was 18 months old and his dad has always been unreliable. He also has a drink problem and thinks I took DS away from him, to the other side of the country and then turned him against him. The irony is that his dad couldn't really be arsed much before we moved and he has done a spectacular job of turning DS against him, himself.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 19:01:33

God Bunfags what a vile thing to do to his son. Luckily xH is a liberal type although I think he will be 'disappointed' in that gentle liberal way if either of the boys are gay. Or do not grow up just like daddy in any way and become loony lefty dropouts like their mum :D

Lol your image of Delia on meth is truly terrifying!! hehehe.

When domestically active I am a bit of a dragon chasing people around with the hoover and lamenting over recyclable items in the bin. My kids and boyfriend can't stand it and usually run away. If I started baking though, they'd really freak out and think the world had come to an end :D

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 19:03:14

Bunfags being a bit of an Ab Fab type mum (without the glamour or money :D) and long term I would be delighted if one or both of my boys were gay and just cannot understand people to whom it would be a disappointment.

Gay friends of mine have suffered terribly from parental disapproval. Thank heavens for your ds that you are his main parent.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 19:03:28

should have said 'long term fag hag' LOL

Bunfags Sun 17-Feb-13 19:22:46

domesticgodless. I feel so guilty, because he has seen me both mentally and physically very ill. Luckily my folks were very supportive when they still lived in the UK and they have helped me out when I've been too unwell to manage.

I feel terrible saying that. sad

The thing is, that DS is a really nice lad. Everyone always tells me he's a credit to me, they don't know about my bipolar. The way he is has nothing to do with me, he's just a really good lad. I love him, but I also like him and think he is a really cool person as well. I feel like I've let him down, being bipolar does not make for consistency and I've never been all pushy. I retrospect I wish I had been more of a helicopter parent and forced him to do more activities. Mind you, I'm a bit of a new agey lentil weaver and we did do a Reiki attunement together.

His dad always used to tell me I was turning him gay! I got all worried recently and though "wgat if I did turn him gay?". Then I thought "Don't be so stupid Bunfag, also, so what if I did, it's ok to be gay!".

Btw godless, for some reason the description of your XH being 'disappointed' in a gentle liberal way has really tickled me!

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 19:37:54

Yeah my boys have also seen me unwell and in pieces. It's awful eh sad

I reckon the way your DS is definitely has something to do with you!!!

I used to feel the same but my dad said 'your boys are lovely and your ex can't take all the credit for that'! :D

Yeah I really really get the thing about letting your kids down. There have been weekends I wasn't able to leave the house much and we all just stayed in staring at screens etc. My cooking is erratic, I have occasional rages and sometimes just collapse in tears. I always apologise to them when I fall short and I tell them that it is nothing to do with them, I have an illness and I am working on getting better all the time, but it's part of my life and something I have to deal with. There is no hiding it unless I leave their lives altogether and they don't want me to do that.

No I'm not pushy either. xH is pushy enough and I was pushed terribly too. I noe have a PhD.. an academic job earning nothing much and a dreadful mental ilness!! So I am proof pushing kids is counterproductive!!! hehe

If you did turn him gay congratulate yourself woman! :D Gay men are the best. Alright some are wankers like any other group of people... but somehow I've always found that many gay men are openminded and empathic, because of what they have to go through themselves.

Hehehe you can just visualise that liberal disappointment right? 'You know I'm happy for him as long as he's happy... it's just that,well, you know, he's not like me'.... heheh

Crawling Sun 17-Feb-13 19:51:13

The worst moment of my life is after a bad mixed episode (I would of been sectioned but as the episode was over by the time crisis saw me the let me go after alot of debate) my eldest was so scared by my constant mood swings that he was nervous of me it broke my heart since that moment I vowed to take whatever meds I need, regardless of side effects.

My poor boy didnt know if I would be crying or laughing sad

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 20:04:00

crawling i know so much what you mean :/

think I might be in a bit of a mixed state atm. Agitated and constantly afraid with the odd moment of 'drifting off' into weird fantasies and stuff. Very very scared and feeling a bit psychotic cos I don't know exactly what the fear is aimed at, if you know what I mean...

Crawling Sun 17-Feb-13 20:07:32

I understand mixed episodes are the worst IMO Id rather manic or depressed personally (not that any are much fun) you have my sympathy I hope you stabilise soon.

domesticgodless Sun 17-Feb-13 20:32:25

I have a weird sort of cycling atm. Can't seem to predict the cycle though. Sometimes it's that leaden type of depression and today it's the anxiety and a feeling of pent up tension. Gah.

I'm never hypomanic any more although I think I must have been when I made the proposal for these bloody books...

argh. I haven't written much today but I guess it was Sunday sad

TheResurrectionOfMirage Sun 17-Feb-13 20:54:41

I have been cycling for months. It just gets worse. I have different levels of depressions. If I happen to feel normal I start to get odd thoughts. This week I actully got little bit high for couple of days but then after 2 days of mixed it is back to depression. I am not sure if I am rapid cycling or if this is mixed state. For me the most difficult part is the overall bad feeling. That is one thing which makes me suicidal. And nothing has previously helped. I have tried over 40 meds and none of them reduced that. Alcohol does not work either. Luckily in this episode the bad feeling comes and goes.

Domesticgodless, are you on meds?

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 18-Feb-13 10:37:34

Domesticgoddess - I feel exactly the same as you at the moment. That agitation and fear...

I keep having horrid nightmares about people breaking in with machetes and guns and cricket bats...I sat awake for four hours last night to try and stop myself from having more.

I'd call someone but we moved house on Saturday as I was very much struggling to get through the door into our old house, I was crippled with fear. I'm not registered around here yet...

I think I just needed to get this down somewhere where people would understand. My other half is trying, but he's never experienced anything like this so I think he's struggling.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Mon 18-Feb-13 15:00:00

I got my appointment smile. This morning I woke up feeling fine and energetic. Loads of energy. I just can't understand how my mood can change overnight from very depressed to ok. Unfortunately I am starting to feel bad again.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 18-Feb-13 15:25:24

Mirage - I'm glad you've got your appointment, and I hope it's not too far away. I'm also very jealous of all your energy!

I called my psychiatrist and left an urgent message asking for her to get in touch. Explained to the receptionist that we've had a break in and I feel very unsteady and really need help, and she sounded sympathetic. No call back yet though, and it's hours later now. I need to call her but I can't do it.

The agitation hasn't gone away yet, either...

TheResurrectionOfMirage Mon 18-Feb-13 15:34:08

the app. in on friday. i baked a cake smile. yesterday i could not do anything. oh took care of kids and cooked etc. he was very happy i got the appoinment back. he is getting increasingly worried about my mood swings. also, he can't really handle my depressive state.

CajaDeLaMemoria: do you have benzos etc to calm you down?

Crawling Mon 18-Feb-13 15:56:23

Someone mentioned a meet up which I would love but im miles away in South Wales.

Caja I hope he gets back to you soon.
Mirage I always find I feel better when going to docs its like the dc they can be dying in the house get to the gp/primecare/a and e and they look the picture of health. Glad you got to your appointment though.

domesticgodless Mon 18-Feb-13 16:08:27

Ugh hi everyone. Sorry to hear so many are feeling bad.

God this disease is so weird eh? I am scared and agitated all day with that tight feeling in the chest but I can still sleep 11 hours :S with loads of weird dreams.

I'm only on lamogitrine atm. Nothing else works and it doesn't seem like the lamogitrine does either.

SSRIs made me more agitated and by the end were giving me the weirdest symptoms, some of which were hormonal I think. Crying spells of several hours, acute suicidal urges, intense anger (that symptom has really faded since I came off them although I still feel suicidal a lot).

I feel so bloody awful and slightly agoraphobic. Being stuck at home writing (ie surfing net repetitively as unable to concentrate) really doesn't help.

I'm so very scared atm of the future. If I can't write that's my career gone (yeah catastrophising again I know :/)

domesticgodless Mon 18-Feb-13 16:09:46

Also crying a lot all the time. Small weeps every hour or so. Gah what a life...

Crawling Mon 18-Feb-13 20:07:46

Domestic sad I hope you get some inspiration and get your writing done. Can I ask have you tried the older anti pysch? The reason I ask is they work different to the new ones and mught work better in your case.

Crawling Mon 18-Feb-13 20:09:51

Haloperidol for e.g is a typical anti pysch and works different to the newer a typical anti pyschs.

The side effects are worse but if they work then its gotta be better than suffering this illness.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Mon 18-Feb-13 20:15:13

Domestiic;have you tried lithium? That is the only one which helped me.

domesticgodless Tue 19-Feb-13 13:57:14

I haven't tried lithium yet resurrection. No one ever suggested it to me. Does it have bad side effects?

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 19-Feb-13 14:09:19

I can't use lithium sad I'm not allowed to try because I've got kidney issues and it's so hard on the kidneys/thyroid. Everyone keeps telling me it's the gold standard for BP sad

domesticgodless Tue 19-Feb-13 14:22:24

really- funny then that no one tried to put me on it ever. I've only been given the anticonvulsants. Carbamazepine and lamotrigine. No idea if they did any good or not. When came off carbamazepine I felt no different just a bit less sedated!!

Sleeping 9/10 hours regularly and always exhausted in the morning...

nenevomito Tue 19-Feb-13 14:28:48

Just catching up with the thread.

I'm an awful mother when I'm ill, and not that great when well. DH is much better with the DCs than I am. Well I suppose that's not entirely true, when I was of on maternity leave I did loads of stuff with them. The problem is that I've been ill for so long now I've forgotten what it is like to be truly well. If DH and I ever split up, I don't think he'd be an arse. He's been through it before and did the right things then, but who knows. I've put him through hell this last year.

I'm lucky DH has been supportive, but my last bout of psychotic depression over Xmas really pushed it.

I'm still under the care of the CCTT, and will be for a while as I've not managed more than 12 weeks of stability in the last year. I still have suicidal thoughts, mainly of jumping off bridges or under trains, but am in control of them now, whereas before it lead to me being detained under the MH act.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Tue 19-Feb-13 14:42:28

flat flat/ this is just shit. i don't expect anything from fridays apt. spych has anything else to say than just wait. there is not really any way out this.

babyheave:how fast did you come off your antispychotics? you might have caught this one: what is CCTT?

mummylin Tue 19-Feb-13 14:50:30

Just to give you all hope for the future.My sister is Bi- Polar and went through a very bad spell about 6 yrs ago.ashe had a stay in a hospital and had various medication. When she left hospital to come home she ended her marriage of 25yrs and lived alone for quite a while.She then joined a choir which helped her a lot.A member of her choir introduced her to one of her friends.She is now remarried with 1yr old twin girls and is very very happy.Hang on in there ,there is life after Bi-Polar .good luck to you all.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 19-Feb-13 15:48:23

Mummy - I'm glad your sister is okay...

Got to say that made me sob, though. I don't want a life after bi-polar. I want a life now. I don't want to have to explain why I can't use the telephone, why I couldn't let the postman in today, why I can't sleep and am having graphic nightmares about people breaking in. I don't want to take loads of medications and report to someone who decides if I can drive, I don't want to spin through a week's worth of emotions in a day.

I want stability, and normality, and a family. And I want somewhere where I truly belong and feel at home.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Tue 19-Feb-13 15:57:11

CajaDeLaMemoria: I think now they like to describe quetapine.

domesticgodless Tue 19-Feb-13 16:11:58

big hug to you Caja. You have a real stressful event to deal with, bipolar or not that would knock anyone.

God knows I understand about the emotional wheel spin.. my boyfriend just skyped me from italy and I had that weird high feeling again although our relationship is unstable and often makes me worse.

I did manage to let the postman in Caja but it always gives me palpitations!!! If I'd been broken into god knows if I'd manage it. So hats off to you for sticking with it all.

domesticgodless Tue 19-Feb-13 16:14:37

this might make some of you laugh: the closest I've got to a break in was when I left the car unlocked and someone stole the satnav. At the same time I couldn't find the car keys so I became convinced someone had stolen them, as I had a history of leaving the front door open as well :/ I called landlord to change locks (he loved that...), watched car like a hawk, couldn't sleep etc etc. They turned up later (my son found them) after I'd created a massive drama :/

God knows caja if anyone ACTUALLY broke into my house I'd be an utter wreck...

Crawling Tue 19-Feb-13 16:42:16

I cant do this im such a crap rubbish mum. I just cant deal anymore. I want to escape my life run away I need a break. Theres so much stress and I am so close to losing it with dd stupid twatty Portage worker. I just cant do it anymore.

Crawling Tue 19-Feb-13 17:08:37

I so so want to cut to release some pent up emotion but im trying hard not to I just need to wait 30 minutes then dp will be home and then I cant as he will stop me. I keep trying to distract myself but I cant im fat and ugly and useless waste of space I dont have any friends because people dont like me.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Tue 19-Feb-13 17:12:27

i don't have any friends either. we moved to this town and i haven't been able to make any friends because i am most of the time depressed. the rare times i am ok i start to make friends but then it dries up as i can't anymore meet them. i ahve also made some enemies....

it seems quite a few of us is having a crap day.

Crawling Tue 19-Feb-13 17:17:37

Mirage thats the same here and my only friend decided to sleep with me on my last manic episode meaning he is a friend no more.

I also dress scruffy and wear no make up dont bother with my appearance when depressed even on a minor depressive day as I lack energy and motivation to make a effort. This means I then feel too self conscious to take to people. Anyone else do this?

TheResurrectionOfMirage Tue 19-Feb-13 17:36:39

i have been scruffy last two monts. some weeks i only went out to walk my dc to playgroup. another day i saw another woman at the school who looked like a mental patient. scruffy and no emotion in her face.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Tue 19-Feb-13 17:38:28

a mental health patient

Crawling Tue 19-Feb-13 17:41:47

Perhaps it was me mirage grin I hate going out particularly the school wish I could hibernate.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Tue 19-Feb-13 20:13:49

yes, must be,. I just hope I don't look as sad as you smile

OverlyYappy Tue 19-Feb-13 20:30:13

Hi sorry for just jumping in, I have seen that PTSD is closely related to bi-polar and wondered if anyone had a view on something I experienced. I have always wondered if was bi-polar, having quite manic episodes (spending crazy money without thinking and a few embarrassing outbursts) followed by very low and anxious episodes.

I had some counselling last year and started having nightmares and being very jumpy, everything on the PTSD list tbh. Easily startled, avoid going out (always have)

I was started on Prozac which I have taken before during low moods, and they send my mind quite wild, I couldn't sleep at all and was doing very strange things such as googling why Scottish people use certain words and wanting to know how started Scottish slang confused I done a few other strange things and my brother who is manic depressive actually asked me to leave his house as I was 'freaking him out'.

I am more balanced now, for someone with a stress disorder anyway. I just wondered what your thoughts were on me having bipolar? I could be overthinking this. (Another delight of PTSD)

I could be way off mark here but my Therapist who is giving me CBT had to google PTSD so I feel a bit alone with this.


Crawling Tue 19-Feb-13 20:38:07

Overlyyappy your post has got a few red flags I was misdiagnosed at 15 during a depressive episode with PTSD my pyschosis being mistaken for flash backs and anxiety over things plus guilt making people talk to me. Ob no one here can diagnose you but if I were you I would speak to your gp and describe any up (hypo or manic) symptoms you have as these are very important. HTH.

OverlyYappy Tue 19-Feb-13 20:48:54

Thank you. I see my counseller and GP tomorrow (eek out 2 times) so will talk with both of them about this.

I cannot say I have flashbacks, I do sometimes think of things but was with the STBXH for 16 years so would think this fairly normal. I will have a chat tomorrow and see. I did something online and scored as being manic. I would just like to get a diagnoses, treated and better ASAP, if possible.

A lot of your posts are very much how I feel.

Wish you all well as whatever this is it it is very crippling (cannot think of appropriate word)

Thank you very much. As you can see I am hyper. grin

DiamondDoris Tue 19-Feb-13 21:14:07

Hello all, I'm bipolar 2. Mood good/stable. On 300mg of lamotrigine only but seems to work. Last manic episode was spring - summer, so I'm expecting one soon. Have been down since September before I reached therapeutic level of 300mg (for me) - seems like I need loads of the stuff.

Crawling Tue 19-Feb-13 21:38:04

Mummylin Thank you for your kind post it does help, sorry I didnt reply earlier I was not feeling to good smile

Welcome to diamond. Sorry your not feeling to good.

It appears lamotrrigene is quite common for Bipolar.

domesticgodless Tue 19-Feb-13 23:07:09

Crawling and resurrection a resounding yes,I vary terribly in how I present myself and how sociable I am.

I have to be very very careful on my 'better' days not to flirt too much etc. Men get the wrong idea all the time (yes including 'friends') and do you find when you are 'high' you attract people randomly, including women as friends? Then when you are low they don't understand cos you were this magnetic friendly person.

I really began to understand that process and that it really isn't my fault but it has taken me about 25 years to get there!!!

I am very agoraphobic atm but the anxiety is down from 2 days ago when it was unbearable.

Crawling you are not.a.crap.mum. don't ever think that. Really crap mums think they are great and it's everyone else's fault.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Wed 20-Feb-13 08:54:38

domestics: oh yes smile. I was flirting a lot. Also, I got these "feelings" that somebody is in love with me, like fellow students, professors and collagues. I ended up in some pretty embarrasing situations. Nowadays I look so tired and two screaming kids won't help. They would probably find my flirting very sad.

nenevomito Wed 20-Feb-13 10:32:44

Yy crawling, when I'm depressed I can't be arsed with my appearance and I just wear crappy track suit bottoms with a fleece.

Worse is when I'm manic. Last time I spent a fortune on mini skirts, lurid pink and yellow blouses and teenager clothes. I'm middle aged. I thought I looked fantastic. I thought people were looking at me as I looked fantastic. They were actually looking at me as I looked like a twat.

nenevomito Wed 20-Feb-13 10:33:39

Caja - the break in sounds horrendous. No wonder you're so on edge.

nenevomito Wed 20-Feb-13 10:36:55

Mirage - during one of my biggest manic episodes at uni, I did the same thing. It's why I can't afford to get to high now as I have a family and can't spend my time flirting with inappropriate people.

Yappy, it could be bipolar, the symptoms are similar. Talking to your GP is the best start.

Crawling Wed 20-Feb-13 12:30:59

Thanks DomesticGoddless

Crawling Wed 20-Feb-13 16:23:06

Im feeling a bit better today how is everyone else feeling?

TheResurrectionOfMirage Wed 20-Feb-13 16:29:23

crap. Feeling very tired and zombie. Feeling bad, too.

nenevomito Wed 20-Feb-13 16:55:49

I'm OK. I've come round to a friend's house so the kids are playing together nicely well they're not quite killing each other. I am not a fan of half term.

DiamondDoris Wed 20-Feb-13 17:57:19

My story: I dumped my boyfriend for a stranger on facebook, after 2 days took boyfriend back when I came back to earth with a bump - heralding in a depressive phase (thank god, kind of). Boyfriend is my support and watches my moods closely without being judgemental. He comes with me to the psychiatrist as he knows better than me what my moods are like. I hope everyone has someone supportive, it's a lot easier. Had a manic phase a year before that when I was trying to become a stand-up (hahaha) and thought I was psychic. That's when I began to fear I was bipolar or at least people were telling me I was.

My whole life has been one long embarrassment and nothing to show for it.

DiamondDoris Wed 20-Feb-13 17:59:02

Oh I forgot to say, I don't remember the depressions unless I'm in one. Does anyone feel like that? I can't remember what they are like but I dread them coming on.

nenevomito Wed 20-Feb-13 20:57:19

DH is very supportive, but I don't take him to my psych appointments and he doesn't really have any input into my treatment. Part of my problem has always been that I cut myself off from family and friends as soon as I start getting ill.

cat79 Wed 20-Feb-13 21:15:55

Hey ladies, I've read the whole thread as I am also BP2 and can I join please? I started Depakote 1000mg per day in Jan and am currently stable, if a bit down. I lost my job as a teacher though as I was so ill during the preceding episode, so this is probably providing a legitimate reason for the down!

Babyheave, I laughed so much at your lurid clothing/looking like a tw*t comment- I did exactly the same when I was ill last summer. Despite being a secondary school teacher NOT a film star/bunny girl, I took to going to work every day in increasingly glamorous 1940s attire, including bright read lipstick and prom dresses. I also developed a delusion that there was an inappropriate sexual chemistry between myself and my line manager (blush)

As others have said, the worst part of it all is how guilty you feel when you are not able to be the mum you want to be (sad) During the recovery period I have been in since Christmas, I have been trying to view child-related stuff as a whole week, as that means that if I have a bad day (which have been frequent as Depakote makes me feel like I need to sleep all day) and ds watches Cbeebies all day, it is balanced out by the fact that I managed to do play doh and baking on a good day (smile)

Thanks for staring the thread Crawling

cat79 Wed 20-Feb-13 21:17:15

I have totally managed to f**k up using smilies- can anyone tell me what I did wrong?

mummylin Wed 20-Feb-13 21:26:38

you are using the wrong brackets its the [ ones you have to use

Bunfags Wed 20-Feb-13 21:46:16

Hey. Been lurking on the thread for a couple of days. I managed to crack a wry smile at the outlandish outfits and delusions of sexual chemistry.

DiamondDoris Thu 21-Feb-13 08:16:43

I used to think everyone had periods of being in a dark place and then having periods of euphoria... I thought I was normal. I too had periods of wearing ridiculous clothes (I wore an almost see-through white dress which just about covered my bottom to a job in Westminster). I remember an interview where I turned up drunk, put my feet casually up on the interviewer's desk... I got the job! There were times where I thought I was the bees knees and other times huge self loathing. I can relate to everyone here. I'm sorry about you cat79 losing your job sad

Crawling Thu 21-Feb-13 09:31:02

Welcome cat79 I actually have 3 different wardrobes one is gothic clothes or tracksuits which is usually worn while depressed. Jeans and pretty yops which are usually worn when Im normal and then like others the skimpy glitzy outfits.

I gave a male friend a heart attack ones I had a pair of bright pink playboy hotpantsblush a bright pink bikini top bright ping super high heels covered with a trench coat. As he came in I ripped the trenchcoat open and he screamed as he though I had nothing on under neath blush It turned out he wasnt far wrong.

I also have different music when Im up I tend to listen to dance music but the rest of the time I like rock.

nenevomito Thu 21-Feb-13 14:11:12

I genuinely thought that the reason why things were so great after a bad depression was because compared to being depressed, everything was brilliant.

Hindsight tells me that blowing around 30k in two years on fuck all, thinking I was irrisistable, partying for 72 hours straight and dressing like an idiot was not normal behaviour.

I'm still going to miss the nice bit of the high before things go out of hand, but I can't risk another bout of illness or I WILL lose my job and it would cause even more problems in my family life.

Bunfags Thu 21-Feb-13 14:21:50

I can relate to wearing funkier garms during a manic phase. I have a lot of loud retro clothes and Victorian style stuff that I wear whilst manic. At the moment I'm depressed, so I eat constantly, take no pride in my appearance and look like a total minger. I won't let DP anywhere near me and I have zero sex drive anyway. I did force myself to go for a full leg and bikini wax on Monday, but none of my nice clothes fit.

Being high can be a lot of fun babyheave, but I've also got myself into some very dodgy situations. I had an fling with a very dubious gypsie man once whilst in a manic phase, and I didn't realise he already had a girlfriend. I went out and got rip-roaring drunk one night and the girlfriend's brother and his mates abducted me and left me in the middle of nowhere.

In my saner moments I would never have got involved with such a person. He was engaged in some very dodgy activities.

I really hope my depresion lifts soon. I'm getting a lot of derealisation and depersonalisation. I feel so empty and detached.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 21-Feb-13 14:26:54

Hey everyone.

I'm still not doing well. I jump at the slightest noise, and I have to check the doors and all the locks hourly. OH noticed and has tried showing me that they are locked, and trying to reassure me that I don't need to check them, but I just lie to be able to get to the door to check. Like saying I need the toilet or something...

I've managed to get a psychiatrists appointment next week but my god does it feel like a long way away.

I feel so strange. I'm in shock, I think. I don't feel anything. I keep just sitting myself in a big cupboard under the boiler. The feeling of mortality is very odd, too.

Crawling Thu 21-Feb-13 15:28:27

Oh Caja. Can you set yourself a limit like you can only check 4 times?

Whats hurting me the most right now is I have yo fight for dd in order to get her the support she needs but im so depressed I can hardly get out of bed and she needs me im trying so hard but its really hard for me to be forceful and have the energy to push this through.

TheResurrectionOfMirage Fri 22-Feb-13 14:43:22

Not good day. Going inpatient to start meds. Quite a mess.

Crawling Fri 22-Feb-13 15:08:16

Oh no mirage I hope things get better soon.

I had a bad night kept having panic attacks and vomiting convinced I would die e.t.c. Dp told me off for forgetting my meds.

Bunfags Fri 22-Feb-13 18:21:34

Sorry to hear your having trouble mirage. I hope things are resolved quickly. Crawling, forgetting meds can be so disruptive. You said you are in South Wales earlier in the thread, so you are fairly near to me.

Crawling Fri 22-Feb-13 19:08:50

Ohh Bunfags perhaps we could do a meet up some time I wonder if anyone else is close enough to meet up.

Scheherezade Sat 23-Feb-13 21:49:47

Has anyone else lost memory of an episode? I have a week, whilst I.was in hospital, that I can't account for. I was very paranoid, manic, full blown crazy person really.

Crawling Sun 24-Feb-13 08:55:39

Yes I cant remember whole periods of my manic episodes.

Bunfags Sun 24-Feb-13 09:49:24

Scheherezade, recollections of manic episodes come back to me like flashbacks, similar to when you've been very drunk and blacked out. My last episode, which was depressive was the same though. I don't remember most of that, but I wonder if that's down to the fact that I also had some psychotic symptoms.

People - I am wondering about this bipolar 1 and 2 business. I have not been given either of these as a diagnosis. I've been diagnosed with "a bipolar illness with psychotic features".

Crawling Mon 25-Feb-13 12:39:18

I have to say ladies I bought a cross trainer and ive been forcing myself to go on it and when I manage it its really helping my mood. I feel better on the days where I managed to exercise. Anyone else find exercize lifts thier mood?

Bunfags Mon 25-Feb-13 13:54:21

Hi Crawling. That's fab that you're getting some exercise. Yes, exercise definitely helps, but it can be difficult to keep it up once you start feeling depressed, then it can be difficult to get back in the habit again.

It's a bit of a coincidence, because I'm about to start up the 30 day shred again. smile

I've been getting back into regular walking after my last depressive episode. That definitely helps, but I had a very babd day yesterday. Today is better though.

nenevomito Mon 25-Feb-13 13:58:34

exercise does lift my mood, but as soon as I'm depressed I can't face it, even though I know it would be good for me. I need to get my arse back to the gym.

I start back at work later this week and feel a bit bunny in headlights about it all. It would be good for me to get out this afternoon while I still have the chance to do it.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 25-Feb-13 14:04:43

Hi everyone.

I'm the same re exercise - we've got a treadmill and I was doing quite well using it every night til the break in. Haven't used it since, although the intent is always there.

I'm glad it's helping you too, Crawling. It's worth keeping it up if you can!

I don't know how I feel at the moment. I'm still living in complete silence, and jumpy when there is any noise at all, which is stupid. Hid myself in the bathroom when DP let himself in because he'd forgotten something this morning.

Have a week from hell towards the end, too, and I'm not sure there is anything I can do about it. Absolutely dreading it...

To be honest I'm hoping the psychiatrist will give me something both for the OCD and to stop me feeling so utterly numb and broken, but I have no idea if there is anything that would do that? I'm lost.

CajaDeLaMemoria Mon 25-Feb-13 14:05:13

Babyheave - good luck getting out and about. It's a good way to take your mind off things if you can do it.

Crawling Mon 25-Feb-13 14:21:47

Babyheave I hope you manage to get out and about.

Caja Im so sorry your still struggelling which is understandable I take seroxat for anxiety which is great by the way. Maybe get a anti d in addition to your normal meds they can be given safely in conjunction with a anti pysch or a mood stabiliser.

Re exercise Im normally very very active and slim but during this depression I have gained 3stone 6 that is what is making me do some exercise because I need to get it under control. Its hard everyday I dont want to do but once I force myself I feel better.

Bunfags Mon 25-Feb-13 15:46:35

Babyheave, I hope you manage to get out too. It's still that time of year when things are dark and gloomy, so even a 15 minute walk outdoors during the day can help you feel better.

Caja, I think you're doing really well after the break in. Hopefully the psychiatrist will be able to offer you something. Good luck!

Crawling, I always gain weight during depression. I go from being active and taking care of myself, to becoming an inert blob that just nests on the sofa and eats. blush

nenevomito Mon 25-Feb-13 16:23:37

-ditto here Bunfags and crawling. my last major depression saw me put on 3 st or more.

Crawling Mon 25-Feb-13 17:07:49

Funny we all gain weight while depressed do others lose weight when manic?

DoctorWhoFan Mon 25-Feb-13 20:07:45

Hi ladies. Sorry to hear that there's a lot of struggling going on, but I can certainly relate.

I used to lose weight when I was manic, eating was so low down on my list of things to do, I.e. it was a boring activity! But I've been depressed now for so long that I'm the heaviest I've ever been in my life, which is adding to the depression...

DoctorWhoFan Mon 25-Feb-13 20:08:57

I can't even walk to get exercise because I'm so anxious I don't leave the house, and I also have plantar fasciitis, which is really painful

nenevomito Mon 25-Feb-13 20:13:59

I've been massively overeating recently as I'm stressed about going back to work and all of the problems we have with DH not working at the mo. I try to be restrained and then it all goes to hell.

CajaDeLaMemoria Tue 26-Feb-13 18:37:43

Could I have some advice, ladies?

I'm due to go to the psychiatrist tomorrow to talk about the break-in/OCD etc. It's rather important that I get something. Originally OH was going to take me.

He's got an important meeting at work now, and it can't be moved, so I was going to get two buses and a train, and walk for half an hour. Wasn't too phased because I'm quite sure it'll be worth it.

But today I've been diagnosed with a really bad kidney infection, and I can't get out of bed. I need to be very close to the toilet and can't walk much at all. I don't think I'll make the journey. I could ask OH to stay and he probably would, but it's a bad time to make him miss something this important at work, and he's already taken most of the past fortnight off to stay with me.

I could call in the morning and explain, but they tend to be very bad at putting you to the back of the line then. I could call the new crisis team number for my new area, but I've never done that before and I'm quite worried. I could try going, but I'm pretty confident I wouldn't make it if this gets no better.

I feel so messed up, I can't see any solutions anywhere.

Crawling Tue 26-Feb-13 18:42:12

If you phone and explain your cpn may take you or they may provide transport.failing that a taxi?

Bunfags Tue 26-Feb-13 22:55:25

Caja, you poor thing, you must be feeling rotten. I've had many kidney infections. If you have a fever and really can't get out of bed, you might have no choice other than to reschedule. Kidney infections knock you for six and you might not be seeing things in the clearest of lights if you are really poorly.

It is worth talking to the crisis team if you have to though. It's their job after all. Look after yourself though. Kidney infections are horrible and you need to get plenty of rest.

Bunfags Tue 26-Feb-13 23:07:03

I have lost most of my clients because of being unwell. I've had to tell them I can't continue working at the moment due to a health issue. We really need the money though.

Also, I need to ask a serious question to people on this thread about when to ask for additional help...

I had that serious depressive episode about a month ago (I think, my brain has stopped working properly and my sense of time has gone askew). I am still feeling suicidal and I can't bear the way I feel.

On one hand I feel very detached and think I am being logical and that DP and DS are better off without me. On the other hand, I still have enough of a grasp on reality to know I am not well. I am having mild psychotic symptoms such as paranoia, mild delusions, derealisation etc. No voices or anything like that. But, I am spending a lot of time making plans about how best to off myself. I can't cope with anything, my freelance work has gone to shit, I am on the brink of splitting up with DP and I have failed as a mum.

My art therapist does not think I need the recovery team after the crisis team were called out. I have been under the care of the recovery team before and I do not want to go backwards.

The problem is that I can't bear the way I Everyday I literally wish I would die as I really hate myself and wish I was dead. I keep telling myself that I have to get through it as it's morally wrong for a parent to commit suicide. The thing is, that I am finding it increasingly difficult to summon up the guilt and I feel so detached from DS and DP. It's like everyday is torture and the only way I can stop it is to end it all. I honestly don't think things are ok, or that they will be ok. I can't see things improving, just my life slowly disintergrating before my eyes.

Sorry to be a downer, but is this concerning and serious? What do I do in this situation. DP is being very patient, but he won't be forever ( he is not DS's father). He says I need to do something, but apparently I am doing ok. I don't feel ok at all. I'm barely able to function at all and it's like being half a person.

nenevomito Wed 27-Feb-13 09:01:44

Yes it's serious. I've just come out of where you are and was under the crisis team. You could do with extra support before it goes any further. At the moment, you know that suicide is not the answer, but the more detached you get, the harder it will be to keep that rational side going. Thinking about how and when to do it all day isn't right.

Good depression is an utter bastard. Do you have a care coordinator you could call and ask for an urgent medical review? I got diazepam in the short term until I came out of it.

nenevomito Wed 27-Feb-13 09:03:54

I go back to work this week. I'm already seeing things again due to the stress. This is not A Good Thing.

I'm going to end up losing my job.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 27-Feb-13 14:50:52

Bunfags - talk to the crisis team. They will help.

Babyheave - I hope you are feeling better now? I know how you feel re worrying about jobs, and stress...

Left 2 messages for the psychiatrist about not being able to make it. Said I really needed the appointment but cannot physically move far, so could they call me to discuss options or speak to my doctor or refer me to the local crisis team. No response. Thought I was okay with that but it's all going downhill now, I'm a mess once again. DP isn't due home til 10.30, either, because of some social, so I'm on my own. I have to check every door every 45 minutes. Check all the locks, the patio doors, check all the windows. It's exhausting, crippling due to my kidney infection and I don't feel secure.


Crawling Wed 27-Feb-13 15:11:44

Bunfags it does sound serious please contact crisis.

Caja Can someone sit with you tonight?You really are having a run of bad luck I get scared of breakins when im alone and I havent been through what you have.

CajaDeLaMemoria Wed 27-Feb-13 15:21:13

We moved house so that I wasn't in the break-in house, so I know nobody here. That's why I'm so far away from my psychiatrist.

DP is offering to come home, but he has taken so much time off for me, and tonight's meeting is important. It'll have a big impact on his future.

I know its my fault that I couldn't get there, but I thought they might be able to do something. Even if it was just talk to me on the phone for a few minutes.

Do you ever get that feeling when it feels like part of you is slipping away, and you don't know where? I've got that, and such a high level of panic anyway...the dishwasher just clicked off and it made me sob. I spend my life working out how close to a lockable room I am.

Thank you for replying, Crawling. This thread has helped a lot.

Crawling Wed 27-Feb-13 15:32:05

Oh Caja you seem so close to the edge. I hope they get back to you and arrange something. Would it be easier to go out rather than sit in the house wondering if someone is going to break in?

Bunfags Wed 27-Feb-13 18:04:29

How are you feeling Caja? Have you got antibiotics for that kidney infection?

Bunfags Wed 27-Feb-13 21:51:59

Thanks for the advice Crawling and and Caja. I hope you are alright babyheave. I'm in a similar boat with work, although I work for myself and due to illness I now have no work!

I called the crisis team and they are getting my art therapist to call me tomorrow.

nenevomito Thu 28-Feb-13 12:16:43

I've just got the letter through that I've been awarded DLA. Thank fuck for that. It gives the bit of flexibility that means I can now go into work and ask for some adjustments to be made either to my role or working hours so I have a better chance of actually staying in work.

I've just been crying with relief at the whole thing.

Bunfags - glad you have called the crisis team and you're getting some help.

I'm just off to have a celebratory cup of tea.

Crawling Thu 28-Feb-13 13:03:14

Babyheave can I ask what rate you got?

nenevomito Thu 28-Feb-13 13:38:11

I got higher rate, which was completely unexpected. I was expecting low, but hoping for middle. I think its because I've been so ill this year, am on a lot of drugs and have a supportive psych who backed up my claim.

Crawling Thu 28-Feb-13 13:43:34

Did you get mobility?

Bunfags Thu 28-Feb-13 14:02:36

That's great that you got your award through babyheave, it must be a hugeg weight off your mind. Enjoy your cup of tea.

Can I just ask if you ladies have experienced relationship troubles because of your illness and how you have dealth with having severe episodes?

Crawling Thu 28-Feb-13 14:12:25

Bunfags my first relationship got very nasty as a result of it it turned into when I was manic I would hurt him when I was normal I would leave him and when I was depressed I would seek him out so he would abuse me as I felt better and less guilty when he was hitting me.

In my current relationship my main issue is dp constantly looking for signs its like im not allowed to be in a good mood or angry because he thinks im becoming unwell. It makes me afraid to express emotions out of fear of getting the wrong idea.

I cant do something out of the norm without him stressing. Plus I want to be a midwife and my youngest child is starting school soon. So I want to go for it as im still young. I feel like I shouldnt put my life on hold and with treatment ill be fine. But dp wants me to do something else as he is worried about the effct of shifts or if I deliver a still born.

nenevomito Thu 28-Feb-13 14:16:53

No - just care.

As for relationships. I am very lucky to have a supportive DH who has stepped into the breech so many times when I've been ill that he deserves a medal. I've treated him pretty badly when ill - manic or depressed. I know from speaking to other people that I'm fortunate.

Bunfags Thu 28-Feb-13 17:14:46

I just wrote a post and I was logged out and lost it. sad

Glad you got away from your abusive XP Crawling. I have been vile to people whilst manic and depressed. Being unfaithful during a manic phase has also been an issue, but not with DP. It sounds as though your DP is looking out for you and has your interestes at heart, but he is being too intense about it. Everyone has ups and downs and is changeable, it can be difficult not to put everything down to a MH issue when someone has something like bipolar. Could you maybe get a professional to talk to him about it? Just an idea.

Sorry that it makes you feel like you have to keep yourself in check. I don't know about you, but even when "normal", I am probably erratic and somewhate eccentric by some people's standards. This is apparently very common with bipolar. Why not be a midwife though? If that's your passion, you will be much happier pursuing it.

Babyheave, it's good to hear that you have a supportive DH.

I have been vile to DP during this depressive episode and have only just realised how serious it is. He is very patient, supportive and caring, but I can tell that he is very worn down by how things have been recently. I can't bear to be touched at the moment, let alone have sex. We haven't slept together in about 2 months. I am not even sleeping in the bed with him. I actually just want to run away and be on my own for a while. I'm finding being around my family is very draining. I don't have the energy for myself, let alone others. That sounds really crap, but it's the way it is.

Crawling Thu 28-Feb-13 18:48:53

I see his points about the midwife im not sure I could mentally cope with delivering a still born but at the same time I feel my illness has made me very empathic and that id be good at it. Plus I would always remember that while I deliever loads of babies its a very special event for the mum and father.

I may get a HCP to speak with dp because I worry he is going to have a nervous breakdown if he is constantly on edge looking for my mood swings. I am also eccentric grin

nenevomito Fri 01-Mar-13 14:50:37

I am back at work for the first time in a long time and its been a trying day.

Pros: I am getting paid for being here which is a very good thing.
Cons: I was hitting the diazepam by 10:30.

I still have a couple of hours to go. I have no idea if I can keep this up for a full week of work. I could murder a cigarette. I could also murder one of my staff.

I have read about 100 documents that use the words "synergy"and "strategy" to the extend that they are morphing into one long business speak document in my head. I have read a lot of emails that made me go ARGH and even more that made me go WTF and a few that made me go, oh heck. I deleted the rest of them.

I could do with a period of mania while I am catching up with what the hell I'm meant to be doing.

Unfortunatlyanxious Fri 01-Mar-13 18:10:05

Just after some advice, I have been on the MH board for a little while but due to stuff my friends have said I am now wondering if my 20 years of issues could be bi polar. My current diagnosis is anxiety and depression.

I had a huge depressive episode at 28 and was admitted after being deemed at risk. I have had two admissions and a further incidence of threatened admission but had a CMHT instead for a few weeks.

Then followed what was my very energy filled time as I call it, work, study, voluntary work, sleeping around which is not me at all as I'm a prude deep down. I have been quite self destructive in the past though I have never had the money spending issues.

I had severe PND after both my pregnancies , one hospital admission of four months.

One of my friends said I was the most fun person she had ever met but also the most down, people have also described me as manic and I have had one person ask me if I'm bi polar. I have been described as very up and down. When up I can never keep my mouth shut and the way I talk annoys people as I literally can't stop. I have racing thoughts and over commit and make promises I shouldn't.

I had a very abusive childhood and first marriage.

My dsis is bi polar and though it has not crossed my mind that I may be till now. I took an online test and scored 33. Any score over 22 is a possible indicator. I know it is on the web but how do I bring this up if at all with my psychotherapist that I am seeing in two weeks for the first time. I have been out of the system for four years.

I'm really aware the drug regime is very different for bi polar than depression. Currently taking diazepam but not my anti D's.

nenevomito Fri 01-Mar-13 18:19:44

Do you see a psychiatrist at all? They'd be able to diagnose it but not a psychotherapist. I'd go and see your GP and ask for a referral if you don't. It may well be bipolar, it certainly fits.

nenevomito Fri 01-Mar-13 18:25:06

Well I made it through my first day back in one piece, but I'm bloody exhausted. I'm glad I went back on a Friday so I have the weekend to recover.

Unfortunatlyanxious Fri 01-Mar-13 18:35:30

That's Babyheave I have an appointment with my GP soon so will bring up with them.

Crawling Fri 01-Mar-13 19:20:54

Babyheave im glad your first day back went so good perhaps treat yourself this weekend.

Unfortunatly I think babyheave gives good advice speak with your gp.

Unfortunatlyanxious Fri 01-Mar-13 20:34:56

Just checked my letter and the appointment I have is not for therapy but with a CPN for assessment, so will take it from there.

nenevomito Sun 03-Mar-13 10:30:24

Is it an assessment with a CPN for whether you're suitable for therapy. I had one of those last year, but wasn't referred as I was too ill to do it. It may still be worthwhile you getting in contact with your GP.

How is everyone today? I'm doing OK although I'm still a bit wobbly when it comes to work. I'm considering reducing my meds again. Not to the extent of last time when I went from 600 to less than 100 a day, as that had pretty disasterous consequences, but to 450 initially and then down to 300. Reading the literature there doesn't seem to be much theraputic benefit above 300mg of quetiapine, so it should still be OK. The reality is that I have the same problem as before - I can cope fine on 600 out of the workplace as it doesn't matter if I am processing everything slightly slower, but when at work, its not so easy.

I may be kidding myself. I have an appointment with my Psych in the middle of March, so will moot it then. Only problem with this psych is that I've only seen him once before so he doesn't know me IYSWIM, so I am not sure he'd be supportive anyway. I will have to see how it goes.

Crawling Sun 03-Mar-13 11:29:33

Babyheave imo as you have just started work which is very stressful it might be better to wait a few months because the stress of going back may trigger a episode. Of course its your choice I just think your more likely to succed if you reduce once your settled down a bit.

My exercize has stopped because I sprained my foot it had a lump the size of a tennis ball and swelling all over the foot and now its all going black. So ive had to keep off it but I have to say my mood is quite good atm. How is everyone else?

nenevomito Sun 03-Mar-13 13:17:50

You're probably right crawling and that's the advice of give me. I just hope I can be that sensible! I'll still discuss with the psych, but I expect I'll get the same response.

That sounds a bit grim with your foot. Eek! Hope it's better soon. I've not been exercising, but I don't have any excuse other than laziness.

nenevomito Sun 03-Mar-13 13:25:06

You're probably right crawling and that's the advice of give me. I just hope I can be that sensible! I'll still discuss with the psych, but I expect I'll get the same response.

That sounds a bit grim with your foot. Eek! Hope it's better soon. I've not been exercising, but I don't have any excuse other than laziness.

nenevomito Sun 03-Mar-13 13:26:09

That's weird. It posted twice nearly 10 mins apart. Not had that happen before.

Crawling Sun 03-Mar-13 13:49:58

I have but only on my phone.

Juhannus Sun 03-Mar-13 19:41:08

Hi I'm new and was directed to post here smile hope you can help me

I have bipolar and have been struggling to remain on quetiapine for over a year now because I'm trying to get pregnant. It's making me miserable because it's so sedating that I can't seem to stay in any proper routine. I manage to wake up in the morning one day than the next 3 days I wake up in the afternoon or evening. I'm completely random. It's really getting me down now that I am getting more and more depressed because of it.

Last year I was in hospital and on 800 mg quetiapine slow release. This got reduced to 600 mg and then 400 mg. All along I haven't been coping well but my consultant insists there is nothing more suitable for me. So I am sacrificing my life because I'm trying to get pregnant. Sometimes I feel like I don't want to do this any more and am thinking of not taking any medication. I am now on the normal release quetiapine 400 mg and that is less sedating but my sleep and waking patterns are still random. I've become depressed and have no energy, no motivation, can't really take care of myself and am full of guilt and feel shit about myself. I wonder how the hell I could take care of a baby on this medication.

I have just been doing a bit of research on this brilliant website

Here it suggests that Olanzapine, quetiapine, and lamotrigine have been used without an increase in the risk of premature birth or birth complications.

I feel that my consultant is just telling me to stay on quetiapine because that is what I have been on. But I hate it and wish there was something else that would suit me better.

I would love to hear about your experiences of medication while trying to conceive and through pregnancy. I am really fed up and I am struggling just to get through each day sad

nenevomito Sun 03-Mar-13 20:46:44

I find the slow release makes me more drowsy, taking the normal release around 8pm helps me sleep but doesn't stay that way during the day. I'm on 600mg quetiapine and 200 lamotrigine.

Crawling Sun 03-Mar-13 21:04:28

As I said on your other thread I take olanzapine with no major side effects to me or bf baby but lamotrigene seems to be very popular with regard to side effects.

Juhannus Sun 03-Mar-13 21:21:50

I'm going to talk to my CPN this week about it.

I'm annoyed that my consultant hasn't mentioned these alternatives to me.

I've been suffering a long time now, it's not really fair.

I'm really glad I found mumsnet and really appreciate your experiences and advice. It's nice to not feel so alone.

Bunfags Mon 04-Mar-13 07:44:00

Crawling, I also get migraines, but they seem to he hormonal as they are around ovulation time and sometimes a couple of days before my period starts.

As foro still getting episodes on meds, yes. Despite the lamotrigine, I still get episodes of hypomania. These days it's easy to recognise, as I'll start to wake up between 3:00am and 4:00am feeling very excited. It's like when you're a kid and it's Christmas day. This is when I know to take sleeping tablets to knock myself out foro a couple of days. The lack of sleep seems to add fuel to the fire. Getting the full eight hours of sleep halts the hypomania in its tracks.

Juhannus Mon 04-Mar-13 09:54:19

Wow Bunfags I'm impressed.

I've never been able to halt my manic episodes. I've only been able to spot them earlier and get help earlier but they always end up progressing and mostly in hospital. I have tried self medicating in the past but normally get all confused. Doesn't mean I won't try in the future. I have an emergency meds kit now that I asked my consultant for.

I'm going to ask my consultant about lamotrigine as an alternative to quetiapine.

Any tips about getting what you want from your consultant would be welcome. Mine is very intransient and just doesn't want to change my meds much :/

Crawling Mon 04-Mar-13 12:13:55

I would say your really not happy with the meds drop in the word med free and he should change them.

Juhannus Mon 04-Mar-13 13:01:32

cool thanks Crawling smile

that's what I shall do. I'll just say it's intolerable the way things are and I'd rather have no meds

thanks so much it's funny but I get really intimidated by doctors, consultants even my CPN

Bunfags Mon 04-Mar-13 13:57:07

I've only had lamotrigine as a mood stabiliser Juhannus, but it's the only psych med that hasn't made me feel sleepy and "drugged". It doesn't seem to have any side effects.

Juhannus Mon 04-Mar-13 14:27:54

That's great to hear Bunfags.

I am taking quetiapine mainly as a mood stabiliser to prevent manic episodes. So it sounds promising that I could use lamotrigine.

I am very angry with my psychiatrist for being so stagnant in his approach.

Bunfags Mon 04-Mar-13 14:43:07

I have a history of bulimia, so I was reluctant to take a med that would cause overeating. So, the psychiatrist put me on lamotrigine as it's weight neutral. I think it's a good drug to be on Juhannus, as it doesn't make you hungry, forgetful and tired.

I am feeling much better after my last episode and I've been to stay at a friend's over the weekend. The lamotrigine has started to work now, after stupidly deciding that I shouldn't take it - Doh!

Crawling, that's great that you've started exercising again. It's feeling like Spring at the moment, which is great for getting out for walks.

Juhannus Mon 04-Mar-13 15:48:09


I'm so happy to hear that. I have really suffered with weight gain too despite eating healthily. I have put on a lot of weight in the last year and only noticed my weight starting to go down this last couple of months corresponding to moving from the slow release quetiapine to the normal one.

also it kills your sex drive but that seems to be the case with lots of meds which is a right pain in the arse lol

I would love to feel some energy again, have some motivation and not be tired all the time.

crossing all my fingers and toes that this will work for me. i'm nervous but got to face the consultant. it's him he's not being proactive and it's my bloody health isn't it.

wish me luck ;) x

Bunfags Mon 04-Mar-13 15:52:11

Good luck with your consultant Juhannus.

I was given the option of quetiapine during my last episode, but declined it. As I stopped taking the lamotrigine, I thought I'd wait and see what happened after I'd taken it for a week or so. It seems to be going ok, although early days.

Work is very worring at the moment though.

Juhannus Mon 04-Mar-13 16:11:07

Thanks Bunfags

I'm really glad I found mumsnet and this thread really supportive thanks peeps.

I'm sorry about your work situation. Your doing great to be working I know that doesn't really help, hope things work out

Bunfags Mon 04-Mar-13 16:13:01

Thanks Juhannus, but I freelance and have had to stop work for my two main regular clients until I am able to be more reliable. One has definitely found a replacement, I think the other has too.

Damn this illness!

Juhannus Mon 04-Mar-13 16:23:01

It's still inspiring nonetheless.

I haven't been able to work for a long time sad I would like to go back to college but have had my confidence knocked so many times. I guess we just have to keep trying and trying again.

It does kind of kill our dreams sometimes. It's hard to keep believing in yourself. I keep trying though just have to reevaluate the goal posts.. It does take a long time to accept less and lower your horizons.

I'm a better person than I would have been without the bipolar. I suppose that is some consolation.

Crawling Mon 04-Mar-13 16:52:14

Juhannus i relate so much to your last post I was a straight A student when well, but when ill I would fail and its so hard to keep on trying, when one episode ruins everything.

Juhannus Mon 04-Mar-13 17:09:29

I was a high achiever too never failed an exam so it was very hard to take. failing wasn't in my vocabulary sad

Now I'm watching everyone around me reach their dreams while I have nothing material to show for myself

Like I said though the person I've had to become is so much better than the person I was. There's more to life than a perfect achievement record/perfect cv

nenevomito Mon 04-Mar-13 17:16:09

Its not much better in work I can tell you. My confidence is in the toilet after being off for so long. I'm worried all the time that they'll put me on competency and I am scared of being ill again and losing my job. Add into that the fact that everyone else knows what they're doing, while I don't even know where to start and its just crap.

Its been a long day today and I am physically and mentally tired. How can I keep this up when I am on meds and can't remember stuff from one moment to the next.

Sorry about the whinge. Will be better once I've had some dinner!

Crawling Mon 04-Mar-13 17:20:30

I agree for one I feel it has given alot of understanding and empathy Bipolar has so many elements you can help/relate to people who are suffering other mental illnesses.

I also feel it has given me a lot of personality as I am like 3 different people I have more interests and a more varied taste in everything than a average person.

I also grew up quick because of it which has positives and negatives.

But above all at age 18 I had experienced more than most people ever get the chance to.

Its made me stronger day to day it takes alot to knock me physically or mentally.

Anyone else think of any positives?

nenevomito Mon 04-Mar-13 17:27:05

I'm creative when depressed - as in writing stuff, for some reason.

The two years I've spent hypomanic - so everything was wonderful without me going completely bonkers - were amazing and the best times of my life.

I've made some bloody good friends who I'd never have met if I'd not been so ill.

Bunfags Mon 04-Mar-13 17:34:16

I'm on the fence about my bipolar. I've certainly had some adventures/misadventures whilst manic.

Juhannus Tue 05-Mar-13 16:21:55


I can totally understand how stressful it must be to try and stay in work especially if your off work and worrying. That must be the hardest time when everything feels uncertain.

I envy you slightly with being hypomanic smile I wish that phase would last longer with me, it's way too short. I can imagine I could be quite productive if a bit lary lol No I go to bonkers and messin up my life. That said I've been stable for the last year or so. What's really helped is being in a good relationship. Before I was in a bad relationship and that really messed me up. I got ill a lot cos of the stress of trying to make that work.

You need to be with someone who is understanding. I have been with some right tossers who have made me believe there's something wrong with me when really it's them. I have low self esteem so I think I've tried too hard with the wrong people in the past.

I get creative when I'm manic and I do miss that. I feel the meds quieten me down.

Crawling I'm the same more compassionate and have more empathy and understanding which helps with understanding other people. I imagine we all are with bipolar having gone through so much.

I actually thought for the first time today that I could be a good mum because of that. I'm normally fretting about how I would cope with the daily demands. That scares me. I have a supportive partner and that means the world. I don't think I could cope on my own.

I'm struggling a bit today, a bit down. I find that when I'm like this I feel bad about my self and put myself down. (I really shouldn't) When I'm having a good day it's just that, not because of anything I did. Despite all I've been through I still struggle with that. I take my mood personally only when I'm down. Why is that?

I try to remind myself that my mood is like the weather not something I control so not to take it to heart. But I do. I guess that's the nature it.

One thing we all have is strength and determination and probably lots of other good qualities that we don't credit ourselves for cos of the constant shadow of self doubt and guilt that is depression.

I' feeling tearful today sorry sad

Crawling Tue 05-Mar-13 17:05:32

Juhannus I am sorry you are feeling so bad I suggested it earlier but ill re suggest as your new to the thread. I find a sad box helpful a sad box is a box that you put some faverite things in like some books that cheer you up a movie some fave chocolate music anything that cheers you up then you put it away and only take it down on a really bad day.

When is your next appointment so you can discuss meds?

Juhannus Tue 05-Mar-13 17:47:08

That's a really cute idea Crawling smile I will definately do that. I was just thinking of a journal too that I could fill with writing so that I actually follow some of my own advice. So I can put that in the box too.

I've just asked my CPN to bring my appointment forward with my consultant. I explained I'm not happy on quetiapine, that I'd rather not take any meds and can she tell him I would prefer to try lamotrigine. This was on the phone, I will see her on Friday.

I'm not happy with my consultant as you know. He's not very proactive. I had to tell him 'how about the normal quetiapine' which I've been on for a couple of months. Last year I had an appointment with the perinatal team in which they confirmed that the quetiapine I was taking then was suitable for pregnancy. I feel that my consultant has taken their recommendations on meds as the 'bible' when all they were doing was confirming with me what I was already taking.

I'm nervous that he will still stall with the meds thing. My CPN was wondering if it's just that I'm depressed grrr No I'm frustrated to be left on quetiapine all this time.

Crawling Wed 06-Mar-13 19:53:15

How is everyone doing now?

nenevomito Thu 07-Mar-13 11:43:41

I'm OKish, but finding work very hard going and I am absolutely exhausted and being really grouchy with DH and the DCs.

Saw my care-co this morning and did a relapse plan. I was quite good at identifying when I was getting depressed, but had no idea what my signals were for when I was going manic. Not one.

Can anyone else recognise when they're going manic, or does it take someone else to point it out?

Crawling Thu 07-Mar-13 13:21:46

I know the signs but I wouldnt be able to say im going manic I need help IYSWIM. I would just laugh at the suggestion to be honest as I dont feel ill even if I did realise I probably wouldnt care.

nenevomito Thu 07-Mar-13 14:12:29

That was what I said to her. I've always identified being manic as being well. I did say in my meeting that I could do with a short manic period to get on with work and get the house tidy. Her response was something along the lines of Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!

Juhannus Thu 07-Mar-13 19:38:13

I can recognise when I'm going manic but it doesn't really help. It's like a wave and will progress not much I can do about it.

I have a emergency meds kit that I asked for which has sleeping pills and tranquilisers. So hopefully If I can medicate myself sooner I won't get so ill

nenevomito Fri 08-Mar-13 09:45:53

I'm really, really not coping with work. I've already been close to tears twice so far this morning and I've only been in an hour. I've managed to hold it together, but the voices are back telling me to jump off stuff and while I'm totally in control of it, its making work difficult. I've already taken some PRN to keep me going.

I don't know what to do for the best. I need to be paid as I've already borrowed mortgage payments this year and I can't keep on taking if I'm not sure if I can pay back. If I take more time off I know they will competency me. Either that or another restructure is being mooted and I would expect my job to disappear in a restructure. It just all feels so bleak.

Crawling Fri 08-Mar-13 18:16:58

Babyheave that must be tough try to hang in there its been so long since I have worked that I dont remember how hard it is really. Just try to take it one day at a time. Perhaps treat yourself this weekend specially as its mothers day. Maybe relax let someone else do the cleaning while you have a relaxing bath.

I find it easier when doing something hard to see every little achievement as a good achievement. Count each thing on a list and give yourself a reward each day for getting through it until you feel better.

mummyamy86 Sat 09-Mar-13 22:10:35

Hi guys- I would be so grateful for some help- I'm Bipolar type 2 - on 400mg slow release of quetiapine and 150mg of sertraline and four weeks pregnant. I suffered a miscarriage in December and am worried about it happening again- has anyone been on this medication?

Juhannus Sun 10-Mar-13 01:06:22


Hi just passing and had to comment. Yes I have been on the slow release quetiapine 400mg. It's so sedating and was making me miserable so I asked to be put on the normal release one. I'm on 400 mg and find myself taking 200mg normal release and still finding it too sedating and hard to keep myself in a good routine. I've been trying to stay on quetiapine this past year as I am trying to conceive. The consultant seems to think it's the only med that I can be on. So I've been struggling and getting depressed cos of it.

I'm sorry you have been through the heartache of a miscarraige so recently but I am so happy that your pregnant again. For me it's important to stay well and be on meds. I would perservere and stay on meds too if that feels right to you.

I have discovered since looking on Dr Hale's infant risk forums that there are three possible meds for pregnancy and breast feeding quetiapine, olanzapine and lamotrigine.

I have suffered with sedation and weight gain so I will be asking my consultant about going on to lamotrigine.

I feel reassured by going on the infant risk forums and also make sure you are getting the support of a perinatal team.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best

Juhannus Sun 10-Mar-13 01:10:02


Hi just passing and had to comment. Yes I have been on the slow release quetiapine 400mg. It's so sedating and was making me miserable so I asked to be put on the normal release one. I'm on 400 mg and find myself taking 200mg normal release and still finding it too sedating and hard to keep myself in a good routine. I've been trying to stay on quetiapine this past year as I am trying to conceive. The consultant seems to think it's the only med that I can be on. So I've been struggling and getting depressed cos of it.

I'm sorry you have been through the heartache of a miscarraige so recently but I am so happy that your pregnant again. For me it's important to stay well and be on meds. I would perservere and stay on meds too if that feels right to you.

I have discovered since looking on Dr Hale's infant risk forums that there are three possible meds for pregnancy and breast feeding quetiapine, olanzapine and lamotrigine.

I have suffered with sedation and weight gain so I will be asking my consultant about going on to lamotrigine.

I feel reassured by going on the infant risk forums and also make sure you are getting the support of a perinatal team.

My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best

Juhannus Sun 10-Mar-13 01:15:44

sorry for double post, trying to post link confused

Crawling Sun 10-Mar-13 16:57:25

Great the chemist cant get hold of one of my meds and ive run out. So now I need to wait till my pychiatrit can either prescribe a higher dose as they have that or a different one.

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 18:52:34

Thats no use is it Crawling. Is there another chemist you could go to instead?

This weekend has not been relaxing. I've spent most of today trying not to cry, which wasn't helped by DS having a full blown ASD meltdown in front of around 500 children and adults at a gym display.

I have work tomorrow and the thought of it makes me feel sick. Until DH gets another job, I don't see what choice I have.

Crawling Sun 10-Mar-13 19:21:18

I hate ASD meltdowns you have my sympathy its hard and people make it worse by staring giving dirty looks. I hope your dp finds a job soon Babyheave it must be adding to your stress being the sole provider atm and we all know stress and Bipolar dont mix.

I cant go to a different chemist as the pharmacist said it was a problem with the company and everyone had failed to get this particular med delievered.

nenevomito Sun 10-Mar-13 20:12:55

Nightmare re meds. Not good at all.

DS hasn't been good recently. Thats the second major meltdown over the last few days. The other one happened in the playground at pick up time and DH had the pleasure of dealing with all of the looks. He had to pick him up and carry him to the car that time. I've tried to find out if there is a problem, but I think it comes down to there being changes in his routine. Me working again and DH out of work means that his daily routine has changed - only a tiny pit, but that seems to be enough to set him off.

nenevomito Tue 12-Mar-13 10:24:59

It's been a bit quiet on here. How is everyone doing?

I'm having a day off work to chill out and relax. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I managed to be reasonably productive, caught up with some colleagues and came out feeling like I'd actually achieved something. I hope I can keep it up.

How about you?

Crawling Tue 12-Mar-13 14:37:04

Hi babyheave IM doing good sorted my prescript ion out he doubled my dose and I've.managed to get back to exercise as my foot is better. Glad your having a day off today.

nenevomito Wed 13-Mar-13 19:25:15

How is everyone?

Work is going ok and I'm on a bit of an up a at the moment which helps a lot with work. I see my psych on Friday so can ask about changing my meds. I've already done a small change in that I've swapped the slow release for normal and I'm not feeling so wiped out during the day. I'll see what they say about it, but hope they'll be reasonable.

Good that you've got back into exercise Crawling. Do you find out helps a lot with your mood?

mummyamy86 Wed 13-Mar-13 21:26:33

Hi everyone, I'm 5 weeks pregnant after a mc last December. I'm bipolar 2 and on 300mg quetiapine slow release and 150mg sertraline. I'm worried about my medication and the effects on my baby. My psych and dr are more concerned about my health although I have been stable for a year and aren't helpful at putting My mind at rest- is anyone else on this medication or know more about it? I am desperate and would love if anyone could help me x confused

Crawling Thu 14-Mar-13 20:05:50

Welcome mummy I decided to go med free during PG so can't help with that sorry I do take anti pysch while BF with no I'll effect though.

Babyheave good luck with tomorrow hope he listens. I find every day I dread going on my x trainer and spent 2 hours pushing myself before I go on it but once I do it really raises my mood it's well worth the investment it helps keep the eating side effect of my meds down too as it distracts me.

Crawling Tue 19-Mar-13 12:00:47

Babyheave how did your meeting with pych go?

Im meeting mine today and hoping he will up my doses not hopeful though as I am still breastfeeding.

nenevomito Tue 19-Mar-13 13:44:06

The meeting with the psych went OK. He wants to put me on lithium rather than deal with addressing the side effects of such a large dose of quetiapine. I told him to get bent that it wasn't something I'd consider.

Quetiapine and Lamotrigine (when I take them!) work well for me. I see no need to swap onto something else. He agreed in the end that I would reduce the Q from 600mg to 450mg, but up the lamotrigine to 250 a day. This is fine by me as I find Lamotrigine pretty much side effect free.

I've got some 25mgs of quetiapine to take if my mood starts going awry and a whopping 4 x 2mg of diazepam for a 28 day script. Ooh Mr Psychiatrist, you are really spoiling me. hmm

Work. Well work is OK. I'm not dead and haven't killed anyone. I've even managed to get some management level work done. I'd love to have just an teeny tiny hypomania to get on with things a wee bit faster, but knowing my luck I'll just end up suicidal and depressed.

Crawling Tue 19-Mar-13 16:25:54

Im glad it went well for you I didnt go so well he said he has only just doubled one of my meds but try taking them earlier and if its not working in two months he will up.

Glad to hear work is going well.

Crawling Thu 21-Mar-13 17:10:21

Im feeling a bit up when should I tell someone. I want to go out and get drunk, I keep fantasing about having affairs and feel a desire to be single. I feel trapped and im doing more exercise I feel my looks are more imporatant. My sleep and sex drive are fine atm. If I am up its early stages as there is only a mild feeling. I dont want to say anything yet as I dont want to worry anyone in case im wrong and this just stems from being stuck in for two years. plus I dont want to be stopped from going out because I really need a break.

But at the same time I dont want to leave it too late or I will not want help.

Juneywoony Sat 23-Mar-13 20:49:16

Hi Can i join you all......recently diagnosed bipolar...sorry but i have not read any other posts my concentration is totally to shit at the moment. Just sat here waiting for the crisis team who are meant to come in the next two hours.
Had all my med's changed this week and i've gone from hyper to low low low i've done nothing but fidget and cry all day...i can't cope with all these feelings and moods that change too quickly...don't know what i'm asking of anyone just wanted to feel i'm not on my own and that i can get better...will i get better? I've two kids dependent on me i can't fall to pieces i have got to function.

Hi all... Poking my head in here if I may. My diagnosis is currently cyclothymia but I'm in the middle of an incapacitating depressed period and going back to the Dr on Weds so who knows what will happen then... I am rapid cycling (periods usually last around 2 weeks). I have been self-medicating with alcohol this week even though i know it makes it worse, and self harming. Wednesday seems like an age away sad

luckywinner Tue 26-Mar-13 10:06:33

Another sufferer here. Since being diagnosed, from severe depression to bipolar, I have been on new drugs. They have changed my life. I never realised that this is how most people felt, and not so up and down.

One bad thing is looking back at my life, and all the decisions I made while being bipolar and without treatment. If I look back I have been like this since puberty and as said before, always thought this is how everyone was.

I am married to the boyfriend I met at school. He looked after me, and I felt safe. We have 3 children. But all my decisions that I have made in the past feel wrong. I feel like I did everything to make things feel better, because I never felt I had the courage to go it alone as everything felt so fragile.

I think I'm having a bit of a life crisis. I am nearly 40, been married 10 years, with 3 lovely but demanding children. I am regretting the decisions I have made. I wish I had done so much more. I wish I had made more of my freedom. I even wish I had slept about a bit more. I just feel I did anything to escape the big decisions I needed to make.

Anyone else felt like this? I just don't what to do and it's really affecting how I feel and my relationships with my children and family.

nenevomito Tue 26-Mar-13 20:47:33

Hello y'all.

Yes, when I was first diagnosed and looked back on my life, I did have a little bit of grief about how my life may have worked out if I'd not been ill. But it doesn't mean it would be any better. There's lots of folk out there who don't have Bipolar, who'd dream of having a happy marriage and children, so the grass isn't always greener. No one makes great decisions all of the time either. Everyone procrastinates or fucks up occasionally.

Sunshineandfreedom sad I hope you get the support you need from your GP as self-harming is never good and its such a short term, and damaging fix.

JuneyWooney - how are you doing? Did the crisis team help you? I have two small DCs to and worry about how my illness affects them. Caring for children when your mood is all over the place is a nightmare. Do you have anyone to help you out.

Crawling - just seen your thread. Hope you get everything even again soon.

Juneywoony Wed 27-Mar-13 13:49:18

Thanks Babyheave for asking.........the crisis team have helped a bit. It's just going to take time for my new med's to kick in and hopefully i won't be so all over the place. My kids are 5 and 3 and it is so hard i am so worried it will affect them, i do have my inlaws nearby to help out a bit so at least im not totally on my own and my husband is great when he's home from work and will entertain them to give me a break.

I've read through a few posts and can identify so much with you all. At the moment im so bitter and angry and looking back since i was a teenager the pattern and how they did not pick it up, they just treated me for depression had ECT various med's, been on anti depressants since i was 15. I'm mostly to blame though as i moved around so much to get away from the destruction i had caused...start a fresh, done that so many times but that has meant i've had different gp's and psychiatrists in various counties so i suppose i just slipped through the net.

My psychiatrist said last week i had rapid cycling as i am up and down at the same time and just so anxious but excited at the same time, since my med's stopped and i've been put on a mood stabiliser i feel very low mostly with less moments of the hyper but to be honest i felt happier in a way when i was hyper, not sure my hubby did though as i was drinking more and asked him if we could go to a swingers club lol! Daft thing is i still want to, i want sex with someone else and i don't know why as i love my husband!

DoctorWhoFan Wed 27-Mar-13 14:51:15

Hi ladies,

I am currently on ESA and in the support group. I suffer with bipolar disorder and agoraphobia. I am about to see my GP as fybromyalgia is also suspected. Has anyone in the support group been called for a Work Capability Assessment by Atos? I'm terrified it's going to happen soon as I will have been on ESA for a year this May and that they will not consider my bipolar disorder sufficient and will declare me fit for work.

The anxiety is making my illness worse.

I also need to contact the DWP regarding my Disability Living Allowance as I am currently on the lower rate and given my inability to leave the house without someone with me, and my exhaustion, brain fog and pain from the fybro I feel I should be on a higher rate.

I have someone who cares for me who stays with me 4-5 nights a week as a rule, but who has been staying all week with me recently as I have been so low.

Trying to get an emergency appointment with my psych. Was promised a call back today but nothing so far. I can't phone them again as the lady I spoke to was dismissive and nosey about my illness and "how bad" I was feeling, which I felt was inappropriate from a receptionist and I can't face speaking to her again. As it is I have difficulty dealing with people on the phone.

I used to have a fairly responsible and very busy, stressful job, but in the last 16 months my illness has become increasingly debilitating and I don't hold out much hope for the future at the moment. I can barely get out of bed. Everything exhausts me. I just want to sleep all the time.

Sorry for the me, me, me post. Just feeling really low at the moment sad

luckywinner Thu 28-Mar-13 08:45:50

Doctorwhofan, you sound like you've been through a lot. It is so difficult when you're feeling so low to speak to someone like that receptionist. Could the person you have helping you call for you?

Juney, I know what you mean re sex. I have an amazing husband yet I often think about trashing it all by going out and picking someone up. Hasn't happened for a bit since my dosage for meds have been sorted out.

luckywinner Thu 28-Mar-13 08:48:30

Babyheave, I think you're right, it is a sort of grieving for the life you could have had, although who knows whether it would have been better. I have 3 amazing children and a husband who loves me. I should be celebrating that. In fact I'm going to try to be more positive and appreciate what I have. smile

nenevomito Thu 28-Mar-13 10:16:25

Oh I am so pissed off. I wrote replies to all of you and the sodding site fell over when I posted. I'm now too grumpy to write it all again now, so will update later!


Juneywoony Thu 28-Mar-13 13:33:20

Very true luckywinner........ having a lovely husband and healthy kids was all i ever wanted and i have got it, yet still get so depressed. I finally get that it is because of my illness i feel that way, i am still thankful i have them, yet sometimes you get these pull your socks up, snap out of it people telling me to be grateful for what i have grrrrrrrr!

How annoying Babyheave......i'm annoyed for you lol! x

DoctorWhoFan Thu 28-Mar-13 15:42:12

My partner and I are trying for a baby at the moment (a first for both of us) but I'm now wondering if I should be trying given how ill I've been feeling lately. Anyone got any input fot me?

Crawling Thu 28-Mar-13 16:08:40

Doctorwhofan I have had three dc all med free and I have never since my illness started felt as stable. For some reason it makes me better. I was in the middle of a bad depression when I caught for dc 3 and by the time I was 4 weeks pg the depression had gone.

luckywinner Thu 28-Mar-13 19:00:41

DoctorWhoFan, I think it really depends. Do you have any dc? I am guessing no, so sorry if this sounds patronising! I have had 3 dc. Two of them I was in and out of depression (undiagnosed at the time). It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but also it got me out of bed every day. I do remember at my worst (suicidal) I felt I was poisoning my children just being their mother. I had no psychiatric support at this time and had at best an incredibly patronising doctor. When I got pregnant with dc3 I was on antidepressants that they recommend you don't take when you are pregnant. She has been the easiest baby to have, and I have really enjoyed her, despite conceiving when I was only just coming out of the worst time of my life. I don't know if any of this helps but you will always be you, you will always have bipolar. What you need to work out is will you have enough support and help on the days that are bad?

We all have our bad days. You just need to work out an action plan for when they come. And just because you are bipolar does not mean you shouldn't have children. You just need a plan, for you and also your partner and baby. I had amazing care when I was pregnant with dc 3 as they knew my history. They referred me to a perinatal psychiatrist and I had regular appointments with my psychiatrist. In fact it was the easiest pregnancy as I was so well looked after!

I have just wittered on about me, sorry, but does any of that help?

Juneywoony Fri 29-Mar-13 07:56:00

Hi Doctorwhofan, I was the most stable and well that i have ever been throughout my two pregnancies and breastfeeding, i was on med's for both and was referred to a perinatal psychiatrist due to my history. She was lovely, changed my med's to something that was safer to use in pregnancy and breastfeeding and i was discharged with no problems after both. It was only after i had stopped breastfeeding my second that i got ill's strange really.

Both children are healthy and have no problems.

Like Lucky winner says just because you have bipolar doesn't mean you can't have children. xx

ScumbagCollegeDropout Fri 29-Mar-13 08:29:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nenevomito Fri 29-Mar-13 16:17:46

I've stopped being cross about losing my post now, so I'm back and will copy and paste this before I hit send.

Juney - glad that you have some support out there. I'm not capable of looking after my children when I'm ill. I just can't do it. I'm either horrible to them or I just can't communicate. Thankfully my DH and the GPs are very good and step in. The guilt is hideous though, especially afterwards when I realise what an utter cow of a mother I've been.

Rapid cycling is a nightmare - I find mixed periods the hardest to deal with. One day is up, one day is down. The worst ones are when I'm down, but have loads of energy as that's when it gets dangerous.

I'm not with you all about other men though! When I'm depressed I have no sex drive at all and even with my DH takes monumental effort. Now I am medicated I can't be arsed either. When I'm high I do think that everyone fancies me and I'm irresistible, but haven't done anything dodgy for a number of years now. Hopefully I'm just too old now grin

DrWhoFan - yes you should def be on a higher rate of DLA. The key is to say that you need the help for at least 20 or 30 mins for each thing you put down. Give the appeal a go - some people get it put up on appeal. Do you have someone who can give a statement on your behalf? I was fortunate enough to have a psych and my care-co who gave a detailed report on how ill I had been and how unstable I was at the moment.

As for babies - I had both of mine before I was diagnosed. After DC1 I was horribly depressed, then had a manic period where I relocated my entire family nearly 400 miles. After DC2 I had a manic period when I spent nearly £800 on a number of pushchairs, before dipping into the worst depression I had in years. Strangely when I was PG I was incredibly stable and on no meds at all. It seems to affect people differently. My friend who also has bipolar was stable during PG then went a bit bonkers afterwards. I think so long as you get back onto meds once the baby is born, it could work out just fine. Having bipolar shouldn't mean a no to children.

Apart from all of that waffle - how are you all?

Scheherezade Sat 30-Mar-13 00:10:29

My peri natal psych specialises in bipolar and says it is common/normal for patients to be stable through pregnancy, something to do with the hormones

Juneywoony Sat 30-Mar-13 07:33:30

Hi Babyheave, how do the gp's help you with your kids when you are ill? Im seriously struggling at the moment, school holidays and i'm just shouting at them for the slightest thing then feel so awful that i cry. I have to run upstairs so they don't see me, there's only so much of mummy's got a sore belly, stubbed her toe that they will take. My mood is still all over the place at the moment, it's a combination of the sudden stop of three different med's and i have only been on my new one Depakote for just over a week which one of the cpn's from the crisis team said takes longer than a lot of other med's to get properly into your system and start working. I have some clonazepam too which i can take as required but don't want to be too drowsy so only take a small amount when my anxiety get's really bad.
My inlaw's know what is going on but have not offered to have the children over the holiday's yet. My husband is great when he is here but works long hours. I'm just not sure what to do?!

I had a letter from social services recently as i ended up in A&E it wasn't an overdose really (whole other story) and the hospital had to contact social services. I had a letter from them saying hey weren't going to come out to us....phew as i had been panicking but it said in the letter they may be able to help. I keep thinking maybe i should ask them to help but the other half of me thinks what if they take my kid's away from me, that just couldn't happen i just couldn't live without them. Talking about this has set me off crying......have to head upstairs, x

Juneywoony Sat 30-Mar-13 10:20:53

Actually ignore that Babyheave i was thinking you meant your gp but you probably mean the to get used to all these abbreviations. xxx

nenevomito Sat 30-Mar-13 11:15:44

grin yes the abbreviations are a bit confusing aren't they!

How is everyone this morning?

Jellyhandsandfingers Sat 30-Mar-13 21:29:35

Hi all, I have name changed. Not really sure why.

I haven't got a diagnosis of bipolar but am really starting to think that it might be what I'm suffering from. From the looks of it, probably Bipolar II.

My moods have been up and down for a very long time now. I used to self harm but not so much now all though I will every so often have a complete meltdown and hit myself. Last night was the worst. I told my DP that I didn't know why he was with me, that I was horrible, that I just want to die, repeatedly. I was hitting myself repeatedly. He didn't know what to do and in the cold light of day this morning I saw how much I had hurt him. He really thought I was going to kill myself and is terrified of that. I won't - I don't think I will anyway. It is just at the moment I want to stop all the emotional pain I feel. I don't want to take my life though. It was horrible to see him so upset this morning. I can't believe I hurt him that much and he said so many wonderful things to me about what a lovely person I am this morning. I realised that as worthless as I feel to myself right now I'm not to him. He didn't want to leave me tonight but I eventually convinced him to. He's been looking forward to this evening for ages and I so didn't want him to miss it because of me. He just kept saying how could he trust that I wouldn't hurt myself as it only takes a split second of anger or hurt for me to do it and that he could never forgive himself if he had left me and I did anything.

I am in counselling at the moment and established at my second to last session that I seem to experience emotions excessively if that makes sense. If the slightest thing happens that's bad, I get so down about it. If something good happens like someone tells me I have done well at work I will feel like I'm on top of the world. I will start calculating how I'm going to do really well, get a pay rise, do even better and before I know it in my head I feel like I can do anything and Im going to run the world! There's also the times when I'm just excessively happy for no reason at all and it is like I have a strong feeling of adrenaline inside that won't go away. It's as though I'm constantly excited.

I swing from being so excited for no reason at all to being really depressed where the slightest thing that happens feel devastating. At times I am so so irritable with people as well and for no reason. My mother said yesterday on the phone 'oh I thought you were working today' which resulted in me snapping at her because the question really irritated me. But I have no idea why. It isn't a big deal. Why do I respond in this way? I had got better at controlling the irritability but it has returned really badly the past couple of weeks and I hate the way I speak to other people. I also struggle to sit still at times. My mind starts racing, I get more and more anxious and I need to do something with my hands which usually results in me self harming.

I don't know where to go from here. I have promised my DP I will go to my GP this week. But how do I raise the fact that I think I could have bipolar with the GP? I don't want them to feel that I have been doing too much googling and have put two and two together or think I'm silly. I'm also concerned about taking medication and it making me worse or it not working.

I can't go on like this. At the moment I'm scared as I haven't done some things at work that I should have done. The deadline was last Wednesday. It is now Saturday. I don't want to be signed off sick as I think I'll sit at home all day dwelling but at the same time I'm not being productive. I feel a bit like I am self destructing.

If you have read this far thank you. Any advice would be really gratefully received.

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 08:07:13

I think seeing the GP is best. Have you read about Borderline Personality Disorder?

Crawling Sun 31-Mar-13 09:25:09

How much weight have you gained on meds and what meds?

Jellyhandsandfingers Sun 31-Mar-13 11:27:21

Thanks for the response Scheherezade.

Yes, I have although it doesn't seem to fit the way I am quite so well.

I am going to try and see the GP on Thursday which is when I have my counselling appointment anyway. I don't know how to raise my suspicions about it possibly being bipolar disorder. That sounds silly as I surely just have to mention it but I'm so worried about suggesting it. What would happen? Could the GP diagnose or would I need to see a specialist.

I'm feeling a little brighter today but have just slept for nearly 12 hours when I would usually sleep for less than 7 and was sat in bed all day yesterday. When I have my complete meltdowns I find them so exhausting that afterwards I could just sleep.

Crawling Sun 31-Mar-13 11:47:48

Jellyhandsandfingers I wouldnt mention that you think its bipolar. Its a very popular illness for people to pretend they have particularly type 2. Also people with borderline also seem to prefer to have bipolar than borderline. As one is biological but the other is seen by borderlines as a personality flaw.

Personally I reccommend writing all and any symptons you have in bullet points and give it to your gp. He will then refer you and a pychiatrist will decide if it is bipolar. I also advice you that unfortunatly waiting lists for pychiatrist can be very long.

In the meantime if you get dangerously ill either contact crisis or go to your local a and e. HTH

Crawling Sun 31-Mar-13 11:59:11

Although just to make clear im not saying you are pretending only that you may be treated with suspicion and doctor may consider other attention seeking illnesses as likely if you say I think I have bipolar. Maybe im just paranoid though.

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 12:40:16

The GP would need to refer you to a specialist for diagnosis

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 12:41:36

I half agree with Crawling, it depends on the team.

Scheherezade Sun 31-Mar-13 14:53:23

Sorry was posting on phone so couldn't write much.

I have had good and bad experiences with self-diagnosis. I moved area, went to the GP, referred to CMHT. Told the Doc I had a previous diagnosis when I was a teenager of bipolar, I thought I ha