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so we all rolled over and hellebelles told us to get our arses out of bed......

ive started a new one because there are only a few posts left on the old thread before it gets full.

nana ive described myself on the old thread just for you!

so.

nana hellesbelles mama ed silvery and basset and any one else who posted on the old thread or who relates to our experiences and wants to post on the new one....welcome to the new thread.

old one here

Shock alert: I'm still awake! Currently cleaning blood off the landing carpet. Ds has bff staying over and three hours ago, they were bouncing on the bed. HDD lands head first on corner of radiator. Cue trip to a&e and hb stuck scraping up dried blood with baby wipes!

Signing in, hello Vicar and everyone, have been on MH boards for a couple of weeks and just saw this properly.

I am signed off work, I have had episodes before, I am exhausted. Officially diagnosed with anxiety and depression but am being sent for a psychiatric assessment by my GP, who was very lovely to me.

I have just been in touch with friends to let them know I'm unwell again, couldn't face telling them till now. All were well you have your dreadful lows but also your amazing highs when you are the most fun, best laugh imaginable. One has a new bf, he apparently asked her if I was bi polar because of the way I am.

My dsis has bi polar and is very unwell sometimes, she has been sectioned more than once.

I have been thinking about this a lot over last couple of days. I do get very high and when I get like that I feel amazing but I always feel worried as I know it is followed by a low. The intensity varies. I do have germ phobia and also anxiety I'm sure but can you have more than one thing?

I do not want to march in to my assessment saying do you think I have bi polar.

But I am seriously questioning myself, I had an incredibly abusive childhood and the whole business is horribly complicated. I also work in a very difficult environment because quite a lot of my colleagues complain about each other but always to me, which is stressful.

Any advice most welcome.

hello, glad you felt able to share.

sounds like you have a lot of concerns about your mental health. to answer your questions: yes, you can have more than one condition. yes, you should say to the doctor "i've been worried that I have bipolar because..."

a couple of others on the thread have experience of having undergone therapy following childhood trauma and, I'm sure, would be happy to help.

it's Brill that you are open with those close to you and that they are able to offer support. make use of them - and us - whenever you need to.

Just checking in to new thread to get it on threads I'm on.

Welcome anxious.

Sorry helles I forgot you told me to go back to bed

Rocky night.....I'm supposed to be going to bed early but when I do I wake through the night...woke at 7....could of got out of bed...now I'm tired.

Lots to do today...I have the dcs. I'm going to try and do some baking with my wonderful neighbours children.

Oh and my shakes are much better today...

ps - fortunate (i'm picking the positive aspect of your name )

have you tried, as soon as they start, gently telling your colleagues something like "i can tell this issue with x is upsetting you and you want a resolution - he/she is free just now so this would be a good time to discuss it with him/her" then get on with some work so they can tell you're not going to listen to them?

unless you're employed as the official workplace counsellor; in which case, you'll just have to put up with them bringing their problems to you

I wish I got out of bed at 7am....because now I'm stuck and don't want to .....

Hello everyone, I wonder if I qualify? I could do with joining a support thread, this is the year I HAVE to get better.

I am a lovely mix of very long standing depression, GAD, Health Anxiety and OCD. I am three years into my current therapy and since Christmas have been having a bit of a crappy relapse. I have a wealth of CBT abd ACT knowledge if that is useful to anyone?

Morning all. well I didn't glam up enough but the old me would have been but twas of course fine. Was greeted by the CEO of the Trust, we had quite a conversation re recovery and ESA, so networking success. Twas a lovely evening, nice to see all sorts of people from Psychosis Team to Hospital Housekeepers being rewarded.

Hello to all the new people. The crucial question is: how good are you at getting up in the morning ?

And at going to bed at night?

oh! and washing up?

all recurring themes!

gobblersknob turning up qualifies you to be here! welcome

Some mornings I am up like a lark full of chirp and straight into the shower, most some mornings, my bed is like a womb and the effort needed for me to vacate it does indeed feel like labour.

ed it doesn't matter what time you get up - just that you do

you have such a lovely day planned so hope you've made it out of bed.

ah gobblersknob - you have found your mn home on this thread

Thank you HB396

Cross post.

Going to bed I am excellent at, happy to crawl in at any time, bed time is happy time

Wahing up? Work of the fecking devil, where does it all bastard come from?

Then I will make myself at home

<draws up chair>

<gets comfy>

<starts checking arm for rash>

Nope, need to get up and do, but will be back.

Yay!

More people to talk to as I lay in my bed throughout the day

Just watch helles though...she's a hard task master at dragging us out of bed.

Welcome to newcomers and GK you certainly share our dilemmas about the bed and getting up (or not). Liked your comment that bed is like a womb. You certainly have a horrible mixture of mental health issues.

UA - think you need to see a GP and describe your symptoms, because I'm sure you know there is a heredity component to mental illness.

Thanks Vicar for new thread. You sound really attractive, green eyes - wow how lucky are you. And your hair sounds lovely and you know yourself very well.......really enjoyed your description. Go on post a pic of you!

To newcomers I call my depression the Headmonster and he played a dirty trick on me and I woke up feeling good but then dipped down more or less as soon as I was up and in the shower. He is one nasty creature. Going to try to do foodshop which is long overdue, but not sure I am up to it.

With so many of us now I'm not sure I will be able to follow up everyone's comment with a reply.

I was just about to say the same nana....I think there will be a lot of comments that aren't personalised. Please don't take it personally....this dawned illness has crippled my usually fab memory.

hi to everyone, nana and ed and welcome to gobblers and unfortunately
unfortunately - if you nip back to the latter pages of the old thread i describe in detail about something called "rewind" therapy for childhood abuse/trauma. works amazingly well and only takes one session - a bonus is that you dont have to talk through the trauma - it all happens in your head. It worked for me. Im happy to go over how it works again if you need a lowdown, or have a google of it.I cant remember what page i talked about it on....

helles your night sounds like it was eventful....you poor thing! Hope your DD is ok.

I hope mama and basset find their way over here too....

I got up fairly early this morning, went into town to bank appt with DS and now have a 3rd party mandate set up on his bank account so i can keep my beady eye on it....

Ive not made it to the stables today unfortunately - by the time i got out of the bank it was late, had to nip into town and walked back home - because im out tonight with DH at this flipping works do thing i thought id probably not have much time there before id have to come home and get ready....so am going tomorrow instead. I was worried i would get stuck into jobs and not want to leave - i prefer to just go and stay until ive finished what im doing.

ed glad your shakes are better today - mine are so far too, but they get quite noticable when i do start.

Right - id better go and grab a bite to eat (im living on rice crispies) and think about having a bath and washing hair.....i will think about it for a long time probably without doing it....i really really do not want to go to this thing tonight - im really not feeling much like socialising - especially with DH bosses....

Hi I read other thread and have been lurking for a while, so much of what i read is hitting home. I have had anxiety issues since I had dd1, I had CBT and was on citalopram for a year as was having major panic attacks, I was off my work for approx 6 months, this was 8 years ago and since then I have always struggled but just accepted this is the kind of person I am and tried to get on with life, which I have and I am generally a happy person who enjoys life.

I now have a job where I am working with a great team and we all respect each other, so am in a perfect situation, but now I find myself in certain situations where I am given a certain few jobs to do and I am good at these jobs but I keep thinking something will happen when I do this and I won't be able to cope, the result being I get myself worked up and when I am carrying out certain task my hands shake and I get palpitations. I try all the old tricks as in breathing exercises etc but there is only so much ou can do whilst still trying to appear confident in front of your client. I feel although I have been in my role for approx 10 years and have a good amount of experience behind me that I am not good enough, no one makes me feel like this, only myself.

I also have a degree of health anxiety, which doesn't help and was diagnosed with a heart murmur and partial right bundle branch block this year but have been told by cardiology that both these conditions are not significant and to live a normal life. So therefore getting myself in a stew about things I feel this does not help my heart.

If I am getting into a stressful situation I feel I can't cope well, and my job is full of stressful situations. My choices I suppose are to see gp, and be recommended on an ssri, but feel I can't take time off work as we have new policies and I am on the edge of being monitored I think, due to recent chest infections, so am in a bit of a catch 22.

I confessed my anxiety to my teamleader last week and she said she would never have known as I always look so calm so I suppose that's a good thing, I think I just want something to break the cycle but then I suppose that's the thing as anxiety is a chain.

I also feel when I have read threads like these before and have been away to post that maybe it has exacerbated my anxiety and have stayed away but in reality I think I am trying to hide from the truth.

I have wittered on too much

shakinstevie you didn't witter at all. I am sure your work would rather you saw a gp now than pushed on and end up having some sort of emotional collapse whuch would cause you to be off for ages.

I am glad you felt able to post. I too sometimes feel unable that we enable each others depressive traits but when I read back, I see congratulations for steps forward, encouragement to take control and genuine empathy for each others situations. hopefully, it seems that way to others too.

Welcome.

I have also wondered if I am perpetuating a depressive cycle by being here. But I don't think I am. I am not here as much when I am having a productive day BECAUSE I am having a productive day.

Sometimes I even force myself to clear my kitchen in the evening just so helles will nice me a gold star

Hello to anxious,gobbler and shakin Good to meet you
This is a lovely thread to offload and advise each other or just chat about our day /time spent under the duvet and our lives . Thanks to Vicar for starting this . And all posting .

Vicar ...you will be fine tonight . You will . When you have had enough, tell DH you are going home . Curl your lip and shrug at the bosses being lecherous [one of those looks we girls can do ]. It is a testament of how much better you are feeling that you are going at all . Bet you look beautiful .Tomorrow another demon laid to rest in that you went and did it for your DH. Doesnt matter a jot whether you stayed minutes or a few hours .

Got the typing away with myself fingers again and dont want you all having noses pressed down on the keyboard snoring . So:

All good here chez Basset . My DH has cancer and his latest blood tumour marker blood results are almost non detectable . It is an aggressive sort so we are sky high with relief . Had a superb walk today in the sunshine . Met lots of dogs and wee ones . Very blessed . Still didnt manage to get out of bed until 11am though . Scared to start the day and be available and on my toes .

Hope all of us have a good evening .

vicar - I agree with basset re tonight. just making the effort and going - no matter how long for - is an accomplishment.

good news about your dh basset, really pleased for you both.

here in the bellefry, we're having another bloody sleepover! this time my cousin is staying here because my mum's heating us on the blink. he's 19 and has down's syndrome and it's the first time I've had him overnight. already had ructions with ds re sleeping arrangements and state of his room (ds v tired after last night's sleepover/bloodbath).

ooh, but I got the blood out of the carpet with saltwater hurrah!

was thinking of going out for tea but checked bank balance on plus side, that means I can stay in sweats (only been in them two hours!)

Well we are quite a gang now, and it's great that others can join in but I know I won't remember everyone so will reply to those I can remember so please don't be offended. Of course Vicar is the leader of the gang as she started the thread. So Vicar - is this the weekend your son is home, and just think in a few hours you will have got through this social event that you are no looking forward to......I'm sure you will get through it better than you think, and glad DS's bank accounts are sorted (well to some extent)

Glad all is well in the Basset household. I hope I didn't offend you by suggesting you might be overweight, but it was just remembering you saying you were "waddling" along, which really made me smile at the time. I tend to be in the thread more when I'm feeling OK to see if I can help others, but also come on when I'm feeling crap. As Ed says she is usually on more when she's feeling crap, because at other times she is busy living a normal life! (I assume) Incidentally Ed have you had that conversation with your tutor yet, and have you decided what to do - is there an option, like postponing the PGCE till later, but I know it's a short course but horrendously difficult, but you still have till summer this year to finish don't you.

Huge empathy to everyone suffering the torment of mental illness. I am utterly convinced it can only be understood by those who have personal experience.

Oh and Vicar where is that photo???!!! Go for it......

Tbf I am here daily. Always night. Usually morning.

It's when I start posting all day and answering myself I know I'm having a bad day

Enjoy yourself tonight vicar. Get glammed up. Take that photo and think of the acheivement.

I struggleinto be sociable with those I know and lol when I'm down....so look at every minute as an acheivement

No offence taken at all Nina . Absolutely not at all . I do waddle due to being too fat and bad back . So not an alluring look .
I am 5ft 8in and once was slim ......once had blonde hair in nice layered bob .
Ah well tis life dont have to like it though . my own fault as always .

Thanks Nina and Helles for kind words re my husband . So lovely to get and appreciated .
Bet we would all have a very interesting time if we all met eh ?
Kindred souls indeed

Just a thought here though for Vicar and anyone else in public sector work
Dont put your pics up . This is the internet and is available for all to see.
I was found and stalked on face book and had sensible links there /privacy settings etc
Be careful .
I hope this is taken in the way it is intended ....just my thoughts.

just been a pondering folks
Music ,books and poetry have a big influence and comfort to me at times

if you feel comfortable ..can you share her the ones who help you and mean something?
thank you

yikes! I will start with the simple part.

HB you were very close on all three! (looks over shoulder, twitches the net curtains and peers out).

I am 37, 5ft 3 and a size 10. My hair is long and dark brown but needs a good cut as I lost so much when going through hell last year. And it is curly Maybe it will go back to short but I really dislike the growing out phase so it may go to a long bob. I am also trying to grow the white out so I now have silver through it. Still a bit unsure.

My eyes are a mixture of brown, green and blue and the colours go through phases. At the moment green is the strongest colour.

I love reading, music and learning new languages. In fact, I simply love learning if that makes sense. I am a classic introvert but enjoy the company of a few trusted friends. I love the outdoors and the sea especially.

I spent 10+ years in academia as a research scientist and I miss it incredibly. I love the mixture - thinking, doing, learning, teaching, discovering and exploration. I am deciding what to do next but want to be more stable before I consider a job. My last job made me forget what it is like to be in a working relationship with a boss. He was an abusive bully who went out of his way to put me down and mismanage. This is the root of my problems and I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

I am gentle but determined; I have been described as compassionate and a fighter because I am committed to those people and things I believe in and I will invest myself into these. People are more important than things and I am not a person to accumulate things or gadgets. The items I do have are either (a) because they are useful - often pretty but useful (I like beautiful things), or (b) they have memories. I had a very happy childhood and it has helped me through many tough times because despite everything I believe in the beauty of life and people. Making memories is an important part of life and I believe in creating good ones for myself and others. I like helping people and teaching was a wonderful experience. Contributing to the growth and development of others is always a privilege (but I could not become a classroom teacher although I have a lot of teaching experience including lecturing). I prefer 1-on-1 teaching as it allows for a more personal approach and to tailor it to help the person mature.

DD is 5 and DH and I are lucky to have such a happy little person. I am still surprised by her persistence and determination (don't know where that came from....). She is an absolute chatterbox and we both love hugs. She is curious and is now learning to read for herself. Above all I want for her to be happy, secure and confident in herself, and mindful of others.

nit like me to be intuitive mama - maybe I'm turning into a new person! my eyes are multi-coloured too - Brown outer and inner rings with grey/green in between. sounds nicer than it is. difficult to classify for forms and gcse inheritance questionnaires so I tend to say hazel.

for our lovely new friends, I am a bit of a bed-bully because I know how much worse I feel during and after spending to much time in bed. the phrase "turning your face to the wall" sums up the way it feels ans also the sense of giving up that staying in bed, for me, entails. for me, the more I'm in bed, the more I want to be in bed ans the more disgusted with myself I am.

things that I turn to when I feel bad:

it's all about you by mcfly reminds me not to be so self-centred. j'ai Ho by the pussycat dolls gets me jiggling and reminds me of training for the great north run a few years ago. the world's greatest by r Kelly really lifts my mood. the great escape theme reminds me I'm not at my old job anymore - that I made a change.

any discworld novel gets my brain working and any James herriot novel reminds me that life goes on. footprints reminds me I'm not alone - particularly the last line. remembering a chapter of what Katy did, after she damaged her back and cousin Helen explained that not bothering to look after herself or open the curtains or keep her room nice meant that she and everyone around her felt worse than they had to.

probably all seems a bit random! of course, when i'm really bad, none of it is accessible to me.

Thank you very much for the warm welcome I have just realised something though I hastily name changed this morning before posting and now when reading back the other thread it appears my new name is very similar to another name, I will change mine tomorrow to avoid confusion.

Vicar I hop you enjoy your night out tonight, sometimes the nights we are not looking forward too turn out to be good. I am drawing some similarities with you I think, I too work in the public sector but not police, I have a love for horses which comes from childhood (I used to compete) but that all stopped when I had the girls, I hope in the future to get back in the saddle, as it has never left me. I also read that your dd has your worry gene, I think dd1 also has my nature and I am a worrier by nature.

Nana you have spoken to me before about anxiety and I notice you always give very sound advice, it's true we must all post during different times depending on how we are feeling, I think for me as I haven't spoken to dh recently about this (he works away for long periods and I don't want to put this on him when he is so far away) I feel this is an outlet for me and is quite therapeutic writing it all down, it's also great for support as we will all have some understanding about what we re going through.

Helles I completely agree with you with regards to bed, I have to get up, shower and dressed first thing or it doesn't happen, also what is discworld? That's twice I have seen it written today on mn. I think I will go to gp but it's difficult I now work very closly with my gp, and have been thinking of changing for that reason but they were brilliant with me last time and I have been with them since I was born.

We have had a good day here with some housework, then a nice walk with the dog and girls, well they rode their bikes and myself and dog kind of ran after the little one who decided it was much better to go as fast as she possibly could on her bike

Morning all.

Goodish day yesterday. Up all day. Didn't do Ghent baking primarily because plans changed. I left kitchen in a mess last night though and I left washing in thread machine

A friend has booked a nice break for week after next tho but means I have to get with it enough to back everything we need....

Good nights sleep 7 1/2 hours and I don't remember waking...but I am still shattered.

I WILL get out of bed when I've hit post. I WILL use every ounce of will power to do so. Swimming lessons this morning so have to be up by 9.15, .but if I get up now I can put the kitchen right before I go...

...maybe...

I failed.....I'm. Still in bed....

Good morning! sleepover 2 going well though dcousin us playing with ds signed basketball

problem solved -ds's sign language isn't good enough to explain that if you play with the basketball, the signatures come off!

right shower time! then have to shower dcousin.

having a gp you feel comfortable talking to is crucial for getting better stevie but I can see how it would affect your ability to be open with them if you work with them too - tough call on that one. honestly don't know what I would do.

you're already late ed! get up!!!

sorry, stevie, but what I'm about to tell you may change your life.

discworld is a series of fantasy novels written by sir terry pratchett. they sometimes pastiche roundworld (rl!) situations eg there is a discworld version of phantom of the opera and of macbeth (both better than the originals imo). so clever and wry and sometimes comical though there are some quite serious issues included. there are sub-series within the discworld novels:
city watch (about the police force in the disc's largest city - my second favourite series - features the watch commander who is very introspective)
witches (about a coven of witches- prob my favourite series and quite comical with many insights into human behaviour)
unseen university (wizards - fine popping up in other books but my least favourite set of novels)
death (on discworld, an anthropomorphic personification - wants to understand humanity - excellent novels)
others (various themes - the shady worlds of commerce and politics feature in the latest novels).

I had been annoyed one day because there was a scrum at the entrance to the student's union when I was going to meet friends for lunch. "who on earth is this terry pratchett? I barely managed to gt in the place" I shouted across while ordering cheesy chips and a pint of tea. I was handed "feet of clay" and I was hooked.

the only books I have been able to read several times - in fact, I've been able to close the back page and immediately reopen the front page. and as I read more and learn more, I realise how many references to history, geography, social anthropology, etc are hidden without the novels.

ok - gushing over!

hoping everyone's having a good day

helles has talking to herself syndrome

Crap day here.

Been out to swimming. Been rooted to the sofa ever since...which is better than bed but no more useful.

I am in homework hell that is Sunday's....

Got to clear garage
Got to cook a roast.
Got to clean whole house for brownie leader meeting tomorrow.

So so so sleepy

it was starting to feel that way

ed there us no realistic way to do all of that in what is left of today!

is brownie leaders meeting day or evening - could you leave some of housework til tomorrow? to allow you to focus on homework, feeding the family, etc?

Yeah the meeting is evening so I know I have tomorrow too.

I've cleared a path in my garage.
I've lined up the bottles of alcohol in my conservatory.
I've changed my tv...old one is in boot of car...new one needs setting up properly but sky and Wii are plumbed in so that's good.
chicken is in the oven....DTDs are prepping veg

Feeling reasonably motivated so lounge will be sorted whilst tea is cooking. I will try and be good and tidy kitchen before bed but no promises.

I desperately want to do careers advisor tomorrow or Tuesday...

then make it so - have a to do list of one thing - the most important thing - and when that's done - only when it's done - pick a new task.

Hi everyone- I am amazed at how early some of you get up even when you don't want to. My day started badly with HM wide awake and I had a long cry much earlier than usual and I'm always glad about that because it does bring some relief. Had a stupid argument with DP last night over nothing really and we both "lost it" and there was some shouting going on. He woke me at 8 ish this morning to say he was sorry and it was all his fault (which it was) and so I was non too pleased, but managed to get back to sleep.

Picked up a bit by 2.00 and a friend phoned which was nice and then DP came back fom his ramblers walk at 3.00 and asked how I was - "crap" I said and he went on and on about how sorry he was.........I don't feel in any way kindly disposed towards him today, so took myself off to see my sister but didn't tell her what happened. Came back at 7.00 and he is still saying sorry and it's getting me down because I've heard it all before. He is mostly calm but can "kick off" from time to time over nothing and it's very wearing, especially with my bloody HM in situ.

Hi BF you ask about things that bring comfort when the depression hits us. I suppose for me it is laptopping (MN has got me through many a dark hour, because I am interacting without the stress of someone seeing me with red eyes and blotchy face. The other thing I find calming is knitting (I'm not great at it but am knitting "Trauma Teddies" for children in the African sub-continent, and a blanket now and again. My sister knits loads of blankets (all white) for SANDS (and when a baby is stillborn the hospital have special boxes and they like to line them with a knitted white blanket (very delicate) and the parents can keep it as a memory box and put in whatever is right for them. Not all parents want this box and blanket but many do apparently and the person I am in touch with at SANDS says sadly they need as many of these blankets as they can get. My sister also knits for children in the Congo and other war torn countries.

I also find colouring very relaxing. I get adult's colouring books from Amazon and some really posh felt tips and once i start something I have to finish it so it is a good distraction. I also use a journal and sometimes pour out all my thoughts to the book and this helps. I have always found writing things down helpful.

Oh and BF thank you for reminding us that it isn't safe to post photos of ourselves (not that I'd have the foggiest how to do it) especially people working in public services, so sorry Vicar for asking you to post a photo.

Ah well not a god day here, hope others have had a better day. You sounded like you were on a roll Ed and thank you Stevie for your kind words. How did the night out go Vicar Love to all

hi all - loads of posts since yesterday! im really glad that everyone found the new thread and equally glad that we have more people joining in.

basset i just want to say im so pleased to read that your DH had a good result on his bloods. Thats fantastic -long may that continue.

well ive not been on today simply because i have been at the stables all day.

last night was actually really nice - i met some lovely new people, i was actually very chatty (on a refreshingly superficial level!) and met a lady who has a pub near us so we are going to go and book a meal there and say hi....

the meal was really very nice and there was a DJ and disco so i didnt have to reveal or talk too much to anyone after the meal - i bought a bottle of wine, and i danced, i wasn't going to dance but the lovely lady i was sat next to kept dragging me up and even DH came to dance) and it was nice to just forget myself for the night, and i scrubbed up ok.
my feet are killing me from last night, we didnt get to bed until very late, (about 3am) and then i was up early for riding.

i spent the entire day at the stables and today i did my first proper canter....my balance is improving and im starting to get a "secure seat" in the saddle, all hail to my wonderful instructor - i never thought i would get it! (she steadfastly refuses to let me progress until i find my balance and develop a good seat) but boy o boy am i going to ache tomorrow.....she really really worked me today and she took my stirrups off me - it worked a treat, i finally managed sitting trot and canter without boinging about like zepidee (and lovely instructor wont allow that as it hurts the horse) so im very pleased. I then stayed and helped with kiddie lessons, untacked horses, mucked out and scrubbed/filled water buckets.

My legs are aching now....i wont be able to get out of bed tomorrow....(but i have to as the work on the garden starts tomorrow...) ive had a radox bath but not sure its helped. Its a good thing the garden starts tomorrow as DH is taking the car meaning i could have stayed in bed as DD will need to walk to bus stop....

I love chatting to everyone on here and draw great comfort from it - ed makes me feel less guilty when i do have a duvet day but helles chivvies us along and she is right - i always feel worse if i do stay in bed, but every now and then i let myself off....and i love talking with everyone else, everyone is so wise and lovely.

incidentally i am having some real problems with tremor lately, its not all the time but when it starts it s really noticeable. I was thinking it must be the sertraline....

basset im going to have a think about music/books/poetry/ films etc that lift my spirits...i have very eclectic taste.

Who was it who said they witter? i think thats all i do but it helps.
right. off to watch a bit of tv, have a glass of wine and read my magazine i think.

be back tomorrow if not before....gnite all. x

vicar sounds like you've had a lovely time, so glad. My problem with canter is I couldn't make my horse break into one...

nina I never said how pleased I was that your Irish trip went went - perhaps HM (if even there with you) was admiring the view

I got up late, but for good reason then made porridge for me and a friend...

*went well

I will not ask silvery

So pleased your night out went well vicar - does it give you a bit more confidence for future nights out? Would it work for you to have a notebook where you write down things that have gone well (and nothing else!!)? I did it a couple of times but on word docs and, when I've gone back to them, I've had my spirits lifted as everything adds up quite quickly and, when i'm down, I forget that I've ever done anything good.

I felt bad today at church. we were having a local arrangement service which means that there is no minister or preacher but the service is led by worship leaders with input from all of us. One of the others said that you can tell if someone has opened their heart to God/Jesus you can see the love shining from them and they do loving things for others without realising. I know neither is the case with me and I felt like a fraud sitting there surrounded by people who I can see love shining from. I haven't felt bad at church before. A bit shameful at times (which I don't consider a bad thing when coming to God) but not like this.

Otherwise, I've had a good day though I seem to have ground to halt now. Dishes (only a few to do) and bed I think.

Night all.

But that's it exactly! They do loving things without realising, like ordering people about making firm suggestions on threads...

somehow i missed nanas post
im sorry HM was alive and kicking this morning....hope you have a better day tomorrow. I try to cut DH some slack while im like this - i realise its probably not that easy to live with. Sounds like your DP really is sorry thought nana though understand its hard when you keep going around in circles....

silvery - that sound like a reason we could let you off!

helles - you daft bat. (meant lovingly obviously)

you come on here and you talk sense, and you chivvy us up and you make us all remember that there are positives and you even list them! and you make me feel better - but you do this without realising. do you see?
You most certainly do not need to feel bad at church. You reach out and speak to total strangers on the internet and they listen, and you make them feel better and you give advice and tips on how to get by....

you dont have to do it. but you do. And you inspire us to do things that change our day...

i reckon God would be pretty pleased at that.

Slightly crying - but in a good way. You're very kind - both of you

Just a quickie but I have to say here here to that.

I think we all have different roles and characteristics on this thread and you are most definitely one of the motivators. and hard task masters.

You would be pleased with me today...been really productive. Back soon with more details....

And you're the one that carries the gold stars

helles its true. and im sure that God wouldnt want people sat in church feeling rubbish about anything - im sure he is just glad you are there and that you do what you can, where you can to help folk. Isnt that what its all about?

im slightly conscious of the fact ive not managed to namecheck everyone - so just want to reiterate that its lovely have more posters and im rubbish at remembering stuff from previous pages!

so a big hug and wave to everyone - old and new.

we need a mumsnet star chart!

ed waiting to hear about your day!

im trying to take one day at a time. today was a good one for me too.

good for all who have checked in except nina that bloody head monster!

when ds was little, I had a wrought iron little decorative chair. about a foot tall and heavy. whenever a monster came (happened twice - only took that long for them to learn their lesson!) they would get dragged out of their hiding place and battered by the chair then thrown down the stairs and booted out the front door. I wish I could do that for you nina. what does hm look like - can you visualise it? can you visualise defeating it - like the boggles in harry potter using the ridickulus charm?

ive had some really lovely replies on a police forum too - im steeling myself not to do anything rash just yet. (but my word im swinging between jacking it in and steely determination to not jack it in.....the indecision is as annoying as anything else)

i love the idea that we could all pile in and slay nanas headmonster.....like george and the dragon.....

hang on in there nana. he will go to sleep again soon and give you some respite.

ed im waiting to hear about your day....

I'm here! On phone tho so give me 10mins to type it

I have been working today (should be against the law to work on a Sunday) after a shaky start have had quite a good day, I work as a nurse I am sure it will be glaringly obvious the more I post, as a lot of my anxiety is related to my work, anyway first thing this morning with my first patient my heart started skipping beats and thumping, I really thought for the first time I was going to have to get away as it would be noticible , but was fine minutes later and got through the day well. vicar I go through periods that I would love to jack in my job and do something that doesn't involve much stress but the truth is when my work is good, I feel I am in the best job in the world, I really enjoy being able to give time to my patients and feeling that I am trying my best for them all. I think one of my fears is failing them.

helles I have never had the urge to read sir terry Pratchett but may give them a go am looking for something to get my teeth into.

basset am pleased your dh is doing well, I know what you mean about feeling blessed by just going for a walk and enjoying it, I took the dd's and dog out yesterday, it was so nice in the sun (we live right on the sea) the girls were on there bikes and there was no squabbling I felt so at peace for that hour, met some lovely people also out.

edwina sounds like a productive day to me

I am definately going to go to gp, he is fantastic and I completely trust him, I think if I can't then I need to move gp and there's no way I want to do that.

Well (this forms. bit of diary and a bit of therapy for me...helps me process the positives and not so positives from day)...

Good nights sleep. Still exhausted. If I didn't Havre to get out of bed I wouldn't and ecen tgen i left it till last minute (many days I only get up early nana because I have to be somewhere....one of the shackles of having young children).

Got home. Sat down. Neighbour took dd3 out. I was rooted to the spot until 3pm. I wasn't in bed but I felt awful. I was fatigued. I couldn't move. I did nothing.

Then I moved moved and have only just stopped. That's the thing with me.getting going at age moment is anything from impossible to very difficult...but if I get going and stay on my feet it can be hard to stop me. So...since then I have...

Cleared a path through my garage so neighbours can feed guinea pig.
Changed tv over and it's all properly programmed now.
Cooked a roast and done basic clearing up...still got my roasting tray and a couple of pots to handwash tomorrow.
Dcs have cleared shoe rack. I have cleared and hovered rest of floor in hall.
Minor tidy in conservatory.
Homework with dd3
(Homework with DTDs was done whilst flopped on sofa)
Sorted a bit of clean washing on/off airer
Swimming kit to dry
Nitty gritty dd3 (routine check...we're clear yay!)

Looks like a long list...but some are 30sec jobs. But every one of them is an acheivement I wouldn't have done in bed

Slight downer that it was a slow start. Dd3 was also over an hour late yo bed....she was tidying her room...but I need to get firmer with her at bedtime for my own sake.

House isn't a pig sty. 30mins tops in each room (lounge, kitchen, bathroom) would make it an invitation friendly place.

We are on a new page so my memory won't let me accurately name check you all so apologies in advance.

Sounds like silvery had a good excuse for a lay in
Sorry the HM is rampant nana...I wanted to suggest we all sit on him while you were in Ireland but dare not in case I jinxed it.
helles you are one of my rocks at the moment and I mean that. I genuinely do think sometimes 'if I do xyz helles will be proud of me'
vicar Glad had a good evening. Remember every positive builds confidence. Also glad you had good day at stables.

Waves to everyone else.

Not sure heat to expect from tomorrow. ...I have to do school run which keeps me out of bed and in the fresh air for longer which makes it easier to fight the urge to go back to bed.

On the other hand I have had a comparatively physical day and no nap since weds/Thursday? So could be a catch up day...

Anyways. That's me. Hope everyone else is doing ok...

shakin i totally relate to what you say about work. i just find it so stressful and angst ridden....im not sure what to do anymore - when im good im really good but when im bad i feel such a failure...

terry prachett books are good btw....if you fancy a bit of escapism.

i really must work out what does me good music/book wise....i will endeavour to do that tomorrow.

That's what I'm like Ed - I ascribe it to Inattentive Attention Deficit Disorder (self diagnosed tho!) which is poorly named as once you can get the state (which is Oh so hard) then you can pay attention all right and for longish times. As a runner I was a natural sprinter, and not much good at longer distances that about 200m, I sometimes wonder if this is related in some way or just co-incidence?

ed that truly sounds like progress to me. you should be proud.

i would have definitely gone back to bed tomorrow but work on the garden starts....so i rreckon i wont be able to. will have dog to walk. and it will no doubt be noisy.....

tues im at doctors and then seeing les mis with my pal who has volunteered me as designated driver....weds is occy health appt....
not looking any further than that....

sounds like you did brill today.

i have a few pots in the sink but nothing that wont wait until tomorrow....(sorry helles!

i have ironed DDs uniform and im going to bed in a mo as i am truly shattered.

Oh lord looks like I'm the only one "burning the midnight oil" - just don't fancy going to bed though feel weary. I think it's that thing about fearing what tomorrow will bring - well it is tomorrow but you know what I mean.

Helles there is some mention of you and going to church but I dare not go to previous thread or i'll lose this post and I have to go to bed after this. I agree you are a great motivator on the thread and the "getting out of bed prefect" though I rarely take any notice on a bad day!!

Ed I cannot believe what you have got through, and as you say you have to get up because of small children, and that's why I feel bad about moaning because I don't have small children or any responsibilities really and a loving DP (except for him behaving badly last night and causing a row)

Thank you so much all of you for wanting to kill my HM. I want him to go into a coma and die a very painful death! Someone asked what he looked like. He's snake like and when asleep lies curled at the top of my head and when he starts to stir his body starts travelling down inside my head to about eye level and then he zig zags across my head which produces anxiety and then on bad days he curls himself around the inside of my head (but not across my throat) and he has stick pads on his horrible body which he uses to attach firmly to the inside of my head. He stays in that position as long as he likes and then if I'm lucky he starts to get drowsy and eventually make his way back to the top of my head and sleeps again.

One of my closest friends is an art therapist and she says that's a very powerful image but she won't take it any further as she can't be my therapist, and my friend.

Stevie I see why it is so difficult for you to consult a GP in the practice where you work presumably? But you must know that 1 in 4 peope will suffer from some mental illness at some time in their life and I did read that one third of GP consultations are about mental health, and no one is exempt from suffering a mental illness..............but I think you said they were really good last time you saw a GP - so he/she should be as you work with them. My CPN told me that "something horrible" happened to her about 4 years ago and she suffered from PTSD and was off work for a long time. GPs are ordinary mortals and they must suffer mental illness at times. I think it's people like us who should help break the stigma that is still attached to mental illness which really makes me angry.

You've got a busy week Vicar - still wondering how the evening out went. Let us know how you get on at occy health. Is the GP appt on Tuesday a follow up from the last time you got a sick note. If I remember rightly you didn't have any trouble at all getting a note and so hope you have no trouble this time, cus you're not fit for work are you..............well I know you are trying to decide whether to go back to the police or not. I think you'd need to go back on a very phased basis IF you do decide to go back.

Ah well wonder what tomorrow will bring. I have been onthis emotional roller coaster for over 3 years and I WANT TO GET OFF!!!!! Sorry to moan but I know I can on here.

I'm still awake - forgot ad's this morning and can't settle

I am having trouble playing catch-up. It is lovely to read the posters and to see new people on the thread. there is a lot of positivity.

BF congratulations on DP's bloods results.
NN I am happy to hear that Ireland went well and you had some respite. Naive question, does HM tend to stay at home when you go away anywhere? Liked Ed's suggestions of sitting on HM and have a mental image of this creature being squished under a mountain of people.

Today I had a very relaxed day. DH spent a lot of time with DD and let me unwind by reading and napping. I feel more calm and settled. I did a bit of housecleaning and prepared tomorrow's dinner. I am going to follow other people's good example here and make more of a conscious effort on the house in the next week.

The last week I have been going to sleep earlier. I had three nights of interrupted sleep and (unintentionally) wake up around 5 am every morning which is a bit frustrating. I got back into bed at 6.30 this morning and was able to have a nap which I cannot do during the week or on Saturdays.

PS HB - God loves us because of who God is not because of who we are. Your actions are who you are and who you choose to be and not necessarily a reflection of the other person - you help us and others because this is part of your nature. When going through difficult times (and you still keep on going), I think we all lose a bit of that glow.

no glow just weariness. how stupid to forget ad's

NN I am wondering could some form of imagery be used to help you gain some control over HM? You describe him very vividly. I learnt self-hypnosis a number of years back and was wondering whether this could be useful for you, or some of the other techniques which use visualisation.

for you HB

Well many thanks to everyone for such a warm welcome and Vicar I will have a look at the therapy you mentioned on the previous thread.

I can relate to so many of the things people have posted on the thread. How everything is an effort when people are feeling low, it is the supreme effort of not tipping over the edge, just very tiring. Also the coping with stressful jobs, I gave up a job I loved a few years ago. It was very stressful as I worked as a housing officer.

I am off to Doctors today for a keep an eye on her while She waits for her appointment with a psychiatrist. I am then going to a drop in centre for people with MH issues. I can honestly say this place has been a life saver for me over the last couple of weeks.

HB hope you got some rest, my memory is shocking at the moment, I went to heat food in the microwave but put the bowl in the cutlery draw!

I have been seeing sparkling things on the periphery of my vision lately, anyone else get this? Especially first thing in morning

Morning all...

Guess what? I was out of bed by 7.05!

But I was back by 7.07 after turning on new tv for dd3...

Then getting up at 7.40 was excruciatingly painful...

School run done. Dishwasher empty gossip to friend on street. Corner done. 200g chocolate eaten

Going to tip at 11
...so have an hour to tackle lounge and kitchen...

nana you are not a fraud. The fact that I have children forces me to be functional...at the weekend's when I don't have them I can spend 72hrs in bed (apart from loo breaks). A friend once told me that wouldn't be able to have a nervous breakdown because my body wouldn't let me because of the responsibilities I carry as a single parent. Apparently the people that she has known have a nervous breakdown have been in strong relationships etc. Where there is someone to pick up the broken pieces. I don't think this is true. I think that lol everything else there are graduations....first thing to break is all the non important stuff like socialising...hobbies etc. Next to break is the non critical stuff...like hygiene, housework. I got to that point. I was just caring for my and my dcs basic (food, water, education, clean dc clothes) needs. I literally couldn't do anything else if I wanted (some of you were here and pulled me out of that). I think that depending on personal circumstances what is defined as non important and non critical etc. Changes...but there are still there levels where non important functions disappear...non critical functions disappear...all except functions for yourself to survive etc.

I'm now trying to pull myself up to start include some non critical functions in my life....like housework and hygiene.

Hope that makes some sense.

Right....if I can get my jobs done this morning I will treat myself to an afternoon nap. Mondays are traditionally a looonngg day and the treat of a nap might motivate me to do my jobs and protect my day from being a crash and burn day tomorrow.

Back later. Enjoy all

hi everyone,
UF no sparkly vision for me (though it sounds quite nice!) i could do some added sparkle.

nana - mama mentioned hypnosis - i also wondered if you had considered this or tried it? You have such a clear vision of HM, it could perhaps put him on a lead....
i reaslly need to phone the mental health team today. im steeling myself.

ed sounds like you have today well planned - well done for getting up. Im with you there - i woke up at about 5.40 and couldnt get back to sleep, then DD was up at 6.30, i got out of bed at about 7.30 and the workmen were here by 8am.

I didnt notice what a tip my house was yesterday - but i surveyed the damage this morning and had to sort it. (well - ive done downstairs so far.....upstairs is worse....)
and i ache like billio after yesterday....i must have used muscles i had no idea i have!

right. im going to go and have a cuppa then phone MH team, and then im going to attempt to clean the bathroom and my bedroom, i might iron DDs ironing pile first. Ive not ironed in months and months....i have baskets of washing everywhere and its getting on my wick....maybe if i just try to tackle a bit daily...

see you all later folks.

Phew.....back in bed for a rest

I only sounded organised because neighbours was coming to tip with me so we had pre-arranged time

Just finished downstairs....I now feel happy to invite brownie leaders in (wouldn't invite estate agents yet tho!). Vacuumed thru just got 10mins work to do in bathroom...putting shampoos on shelf, wipe sink and bathroom cabinet.

Really pleased with myself. I did to a better standard than I was planning too (hovering behind tv, in between sofa cushions etc. So on a high ) the more I do tho the shakier I am.

unusual I often go to put milk in my dishwasher...plates in the fridge....I have even been known to find empty packets etc. Back in fridge so you definitely aren't alone.

I don't get sparkles. Sometimes blurry patched which is associated with extreme fatigue. Sounds like something you should get checked tho.

Well done vicar for getting up when you didnt have to .

Right off for a nap, although I expect utility to bday disturbed by a friend ringing me when she finishes work in 20 mins....might read for 20mins first.

don't iron ed! hang up dry washing and then just iron what you want to wear. it's jumper weather so school shirts don't need doing atm!

Afternoon! Wave to all!

I woke up twice during the night and was fully awake at 0430 DH was happily snoring away . DD was her usual bouncy self and it is lovely to see the smiles and laughter and reminds me of myself as a child. She was good this morning and no tantrums and foot stomping (she is very assertive and we are working on boundaries as she builds her idea of self).

Dishwasher emptied. Soup cooked. Like Ed's cheeky suggestion of chocolate on the list!

To do - ironing, wash pots and pans, tidy kitchen, bedrooms and utility room (feels a bit like cheating as doing the ironing tidies up a lot of the utility room).

NN, I think Ed speaks sense. I find that because I have to do some things, they keep me appearing more functional even though it doesn't feel it on the inside. People are surprised when they hear that I don't feel like I am coping well, or that I don't feel competent because from the outside you can't tell. I might appear a bit off some days, but nothing compared to what I feel.

HB, Stevie - I found Witches Abroad hilarious and Death quite the character. Have you read any of the Percy Jackson Series (Rick Riordan)? Reading does distract me and calm me down. I have discovered the local library and I am making my way through approx. a book a day and am making my way through books I had long wanted to read but never got around to. I am also asking friends for their top recommendations so I can explore other authors a bit.

UA I am glad to hear that you have found a spot in RL that you can go to for support. There is a local MH place but I cannot quite pluck the courage up. I am naturally shy but on a good day am quiet but confident and this carries me through what I need to do. I have a meeting with my counsellor this week and have asked about local resources etc that are accessible to me. She will have a good hold on this and can help steer me I hope.

Just a thought - can one invest oneself too heavily into their job? It seems that a number are/were in jobs they loved but found it too stressful for a variety of reasons. Can one become too attached to their work for whatever reasons that it generates stress? Not sure if I am making sense or just wittering.

Vicar what are you planning for the garden? I am not a gardener but I do love pretty gardens. More of a wilderness person than excessively neat borders; I also make sure we have a well-stocked herb patch wherever we go. The scents are wonderful and I like to use herbs in my cooking. I am thinking of mixing herb and flower beds together. Herbs are also pretty resilient and some have interesting features or blooms.

excuse me while i just pop back here for a little rant.

I am meant to be driving tomorrow to take some people to my friends in another city and im at Occy health on Weds which is a good hours drive away.

Just got in from a friends who i love dearly but im slightly cross - she was sent home from work with D & V but had locked herself out of the house. She called me to help and i offered to go get the keys from where she left them but she wanted me with her as she was feeling so poorly.

so ive been there, got her inside and then run an errand, she clearly had noro virus - if i get it over the next 2 days im going to be stuck. I think it was slightly selfish if im honest but she was panicking and needed me.

Ive no idea why she just didnt let me go get her keys and bugger off....im scared to eat now in case i end up throwing up.

(the errand was for her btw....i had to down tools and go)

Bugger. ..overslept....need to run round and finish my jobs...once I drag myself out of bed...sooo shattered...

But I don't iron. That was vicar

Chocolate wasn't supposed to be a positive...

I did some errands with a d&v friend before Xmas and was safe...I just made sure I washed my hands thoroughly as soon as I got in...hope you are the same

Right....dressed....bathroom....face.....before I start running round at brownies/guides/all that jazz till about 10pm....see you when

Fingers crossed no norovirus for Vicar I am funny about germs so would have probably got panicky not just a bit irritated.

Mamakoula I was petrified the first time I went, I am signed off sick, my family live hundreds of miles away and friends are at work. I had been alone almost every day for five weeks which I thought was making me feel worse.

ER saw Doctor today, she assured me the memory loss was temporary, the mind just can't process stuff when feeling unwell. She was amazing actually.

argh! stood in Sainsbury's waiting for dad to come and bail me out after I came shopping without my bank card!

i dont blame my pal and im glad i could help but im so scared of getting it.

helles did you read that ^^ up there about memory loss being temporary!
hope you are home now with shopping.

Im at GP again in the morning. ive a week left on my sick note but i cant go back - not yet. i hope she agrees. My sgt agrees.

Then im giving a lift to a load of OAPS ( many of my mates are all much older than me!) to go and see Les Mis....my mate is insisting i have to see it - i keep telling her im depressed enough but she wont take no for an answer!

ive got a funny pain in my throat today - as if i can feel the endoscopy again - i can only feel it when i swallow but its a sharp pain to the left of my throat....it cant be the endoscopy though surely - i had that a week ago.

Good luck at brownies ed and well done. My face has been very much undone today along with my hair - my pal was lucky i was even dressed to be honest!

Even when well I am constantly losing things - misplacing them I should say. One reason why I think I have Inattentive ADD... Checklists before I leave anywhere, and having only 2 or 3 safe places to put things down when the phone rings (say) help me cope.

YYY to no ironing - careful line drying, or flicking things before putting them in the tumble drier, with the exception of a few items of clothing when I was working.

Still glowing from my weekend

ua I sometimes get similar to what you are describing on my peripheral vision before I get a migraine, just a thought but maybe best to get it checked as th e others have said.

mama not read any of that series but will definately have a look. I think you can invest heavily in your job, I think I do, I also think sometimes we forget that we work to live not the other way about. Your not wittering, at all.

er hope the brownie leader meeting goes well.

vicar I would eat if I were you then at least you would have something in your stomach, I totally get where your coming from, a lot of my anxiety is health related, I waste a lot of time worrying if I have caught something.

I have been helping my mum today as she was flitting, my dad is stuck overseas, so was a good day, am toying with the idea of going to the gp tomorrow, I moved myself recently and had to move depts for 6 weeks so am wondering if all the upheaval has had a negative impact on my anxiety and now it's all settled down I am noticing my symptoms more?

i think its when you stop that you realise how bad you are stevie if you feel you need to see gp then do it.

its me with all the ironing folks - but i have to say DH does alot of the washing so it seems churlish to tell him off for not drying it properly! i managed to do DDs little ironing pile - she seems to wear the same stuff day in day out despite having a wardrobe full of expensive clothes.....drives me mad.

i now have 3 baskets to do instead of 4.

i have eaten but im harbouring feelings of resentment that i dont like - im quite cross that my friend put me in that position when it was obvious she has norro....she was saying she was going to go and keep away from her family so they didnt get it....i understand that she was panicking and needed and i had no choice but to go - DH really didnt help. He had just got in and i asked him if he would drop me there and then go and collect her keys and he refused so it left me in an awkward position....she has anxiety issues and wouldnt let me leave her alone to go and fetch the keys. i love her dearly but i dont get why she needed someone there to watch her throw up! ah well, its done now.
its just i wont hear from her for weeks now. normally thats fine and when we do catch up its lovely....but it would just be my luck to get the virus and her to be better and oblivious that she gave it to me!
anyway - not feeling ill as of now so i will try and forget it. im just wittering because im worrying about A) doctors tomorrow and B) not really wanting to go out but having to due to being the taxi tomorrow for picturs and C) occy health appt on Weds...worrying about snow and travel and then what happens when i get there.
anxiety seems bad tonight....

Vicar, I read the old thread when you had been started on sertraline, have the side effects worn off now? Do you feel any better ?

May I join?

Currently doing a PGCE and have missed last few days of university due to feeling depressed. Massive problems in my relationship and feelings of isolation. Long history of mh probs but thought they were getting better.

Saw GP last week and she was nice. Gave me sertraline. Going back next week.

im now on 100mg daily - at the start the side effects were horrendous - but yes they are gone now - all except the tremor (but even thats not all the time) i had terrible nausea, fatigue, jaw clenching and teeth chattering, and i felt whoozy and drunk. Most of the side effects wore off within a fortnight.

DH says they are definitely working.

im handling things much better - problems that would have floored me or made me angry and anxious and tearful are now just getting raised eyebrows and then i deal with them. And despite todays blip with fearing the norro virus on the whole i have not been imagining the worst....which i do normally.

im feeling a bit anxious over the next couple of days but im managing better. On saturday i had a night out - now we have no fencing up at the min due to the garden getting revamped - normally i would have worried and fretted constantly over the dog getting out or DD falling down stairs or something else - i phoned home twice but didnt fret all night - i reckon that could be progress on the anxiety front.
so while im feeling anxious about the next couple of days i think it will pass, as those days do.
normally i find something else to be anxious over....but lately not so much.

welcome mechanical - of course join in. the more the merrier. ed is doing the PGSE too so im sure you will have someone to compare notes with....

im on sertraline too. stick with it if you can....it gets better. i had not realised how much better i am until DH pointed it out.

Hi Vicar and all the newcomers.

Lovely new thread you have here.

I'm sorry I kind of drifted off from the last thread and the AD thread.

I hope you are feeling better, are you back at work yet?

I am on week 4 of phased return and am shattered but progressing well. Return to work has been much better this time, now my boss understands a bit better.

Vicar I pay an ironing fairy to do mine, it is worth every single penny

Vicar, the side effects are awful atm. I have barely eaten in 3 days, jaw clenching all the time, fatigued...thankfully the nausea seems to have gone.

Only on 50mg for now, but very worried if I have to take more time off university I'll get kicked off the course.

I'm glad the effects got better for you.

my minimalist diet for when i don't feel like eating: unlimited half-and-half milky drinks (mostly coffee, sometimes hot choc). weetabix, branflakes - these last I like to soak a bit, so I let them soak, then later when I feel I might like (or should) eat, there is a nice soaked bowlful all ready. Fruit juice.

Plus sometimes I make a batch of cakes or scones, and eat them over 2 or occasionally 3 days (baking is very soothing)

hi shaky - im not back to work yet but my gp has also said i will need a phased return. im at occy health on Weds - they cancelled my last appt. i am in no rush to go back tbh.
i have also applied for 3 other jobs, - just in case i need a plan B.

mech - i started on 50mg and found it horrendous - very much as you are - the first time i tried them i gave up after a couple of days as i also could not take time off.
this time i allowed my GP to sign me off and stuck with them. My side effects were very much as you describe yours - when she upped my dose to 100mg after a month i was dreading all that again but i got no ill effects at all from upping the dose.
i think the first 2 weeks was the worst for me, the side effects lessening up to week 4 and then i started to forget there were side effects.

the only one i have now is the tremor - and thats noticable to others too when it happens, but i find i also forget to eat and have no appetite so that may also contribute to the shaking.

its really hard going for the first month i think - but if you cant stick it out i think its worth it - honestly this last month a few things have happened that would normally result in my losing the plot.
and i havent.
ive dealt with the glitches ok. ive managed a night out without worrying every single minute im out of the house. Ive had problems with some work we are having done on the house....i didnt panic. i sorted it. i reckon that must be the pills kicking in - i hardly noticed but DH has.

Just a quickie.

I'm here. Dramatic evening. Just got in. Need to process it tho before posting or I might say something I shouldn't on a public forum. I'm ok. Just mentally exhausted from a long standing 'issue' which I don't even think was know my previously posted list of problems.

Haven't read posts properly but wanted to say hi to mechanic. I am doing pgce. Briefly I was on last years course. Suspended in April due to bereavement. Resumed in October. Did 2 weeks. Been signed off sick since.

I know someone that was signed off sick with stress for 3 weeks last year and edit repeating a placement is just about to complete.

I know someone that was signed off sick with a nervous breakdown. They were given 18m to recover but decided against going back.

I am undecided what I will do. Quite a bit of info on previous thread as to my history.

Feel free to pm me if you want to share experiences off board.

Weary wave to everyone else. I will catch up properly tomorrow. Right now I need to clear my head and sleep.

silvery - i live on cereal lately....i should try to bake - dd loves it when we bake.
ed - hope you are ok. sounds like something has shaken you - hope you can manage to process it and speak about it here when you are ready and if you want to. <hugs> to you if you need them tonight.

Honestly I'm fine. Nothing bad has happened to me

Just completely fatigued with yet another thing on my plate.

I live on jaffa cakes dunked in coffee and tinned chilli con carne when I can't be bothered with anything else (not together).

I also seem to have comforted myself with a LOT of chocolate over the last 10 days.

well i wondered why i dont lose weight when i can go a full day without food and then eat cereal but it has to be because i comfort myself with wine....i reckon chocolate has to be healthier in the great scheme of things.

i know that feeling - the cosmos has a way of just adding something extra to the mix when you least feel able to deal with it.

ive had this a few times in the last 2 weeks. nothing too dramatic but just more stuff to deal with.
my memory is abysmal at the minute and i think i just cant hold anything else in my head.

anyway, i night to knock off with the wine and go to bed. if i could read in bed i would be there now with my horsey magazine but DH goes at 6pm and i would disturb him....hence im still here.

goodnight all. may tomorrow be a good one for us all.

Amazing how things change overnight.

Awful nights sleep. Feel shite. House was abandoned last night...coffee cups everywhere etc. Not take long to sort....but the thought of it...

My dcs are all in mixed up beds this morning. The older 2 were VERY late to bed so unlikely to co-operate this morning.

I have almost been sick several times.

I think it is stress/lack of sleep (less than 6hrs broken sleep)/not eating very much (and all crap) yesterday. I don't think it is noro. ...andbi hope vicar has escaped it.

My stomach is churning tho which it doesn't normally do with the stress.

I am therefore allowing me a duvet day...but I do have an email complaint to write later...all related to last night...

I feel rough

Amazing how something so small can affect you sooo bad when struggling with mental health.

Night all

Just a quickie by mobile - sorry to see you aren't feeling too good today - If you aren't feeling well then a duvet day is allowed I reckon. Hope u feel better after a sleep.
I haven't slept well for 2 nights now - earlywaking again - but have had to get up cos of builders. Saw Gp this morning - all good and got referral ti ENT now. she is happy to sign me off again if needed next week. I am being A taxi today for friends and we r going to cinema to see les mis .... A nice cheery film. Not. Talk later x

Ed hope you have a lovely duvet day.

vicar never underestimate the restorative power of a good weepie film...

HELLO to everyone. I think quite a few posters were suggesting that as I have a good image of my headmonster, maybe hypnosis would be useful. Hadn't thought of that so will give it more thought. Think I would feel a bit daft telling a hypnotist about the HM though! He's asleep today thank god.

I reckon you are getting better too Vicar - there is a definite difference in the way you post now, from your earlier ones. Welcome MT - hope you read Vicar's posts about the horrendous side effects of ADs especially in the early days when you are on a very low dose. I know GPs tend to start you on a low dose but I certainly suffered horrendously after being put on a low dose by GP but like Vicar I had no side effects once the dose was increased. Depression is a deceitful illness- it's all about trial and error.

Think I can only manage to answer posts on this page, as I will get more mixed up if I start trawling back.

Ed something has upset you and when we are anxious we are hypersensitive. If you don't want to talk about it here, could you maybe PM Vicar or someone else with whom you "connect" with on the thread. Anyway glad you can have a duvet day today.

SPC (no one else will understand this!) it's something that arose on another thread with a very vulnerable MNetter with MH problems. I honestly cannot imagine anyone who has suffered severe depression comparing it to going to the dentist! The thing is though all our depressions are almost certainly different and so we don't know how it affects other people. I suppose all I can say is I would willingly sit in a dentist's chair having treatment for a week (or longer) than have acute depression which I get intermittently. Just a word about the extraction. I have had several because my teeth are crap, and my lovely dentist explained to me that people think extractions are about pulling teeth out, but it isn't, it's about pushing the tooth into the gum to break the ligament and then they kind of waggle the tooth about until it comes out. The cracking noise isn't nice but it's to be expected. No offence I hope !!

nina truth to tell with my crap old baby boomers teeth (full of fillings and gaps, in middle of getting new false teeth so can actually eat) I no longer fear the dentist. But I used to be terrified of the dentist - in fact I spent quite a lot of my childhood depressed because another dentist visit, with no aneasthetic, was coming up. Also I have had 2 extractions under gas and air as a child, the memory haunted me for years. Such a relief when I discovered you could have something to numb the area! So no fear now, but a v vivid memory of living in long term terro. But as I said on the other thread, I am no longer anxious about anything much and have not been for a very long time.

Sorry for digression, ladies.

Oh dear.

I have written off today.

I feel so nauseous I haven't been able to take my meds (I can't take anything when I'm nauseous fir any reason. It makes me gag and I can't swallow it)

I have a thumping headache probably dehydration but can't take anything as it will make me gag.

I've been in bed all day. House is as I left it when I went to bed last night. Finished my book tho...guessed key elements of the plot right at the beginning and have been desperate to finish.

I'm going to try and get 40mins nap before DTDs get home.

Today truly has been a car crash day...sorry for whinging I'm just letting off steam. I still haven't read last night's posts...can't look at my screen for long.

Can you drink something ed? How long since you ate? Hunger headache, but with nausea could be migraine?

Sorry to digress but a quickie to SPC I have very similar memories of the dentists of old - I'm 69 so I have old baby boomers teeth too. Oh god those dentists - I can remember feeling that the needle they injected you with felt it was coming out the top of your head. Yes I too have horrid memories of gas - think you had to bite on some rubber thing and then the mask - oh god it was so scary. Today is so very different and I have a lovely dentist - I pay privately but it's worth it cus she is so good.

Sorry folks - the dental issue between me and SCP will now end!!

Ed I do wonder if sometimes you dash about doing this, that and the other, and I wonder if this sometimes causes you to crash the following day. Nausea is a horrible feeling, but yes I wondered about nausea and headache being migraine, which as you probably know is usually an intense pain over one eye. Hope you're feeling better soon.

Have just found out that my grandson has been diagnosed with depression - he is 24 and been withdrawn from his uni course as he couldn't keep up with the work, so he's back home and no hope of a job. His friends on FB are advising him to stop taking the meds (he's only been on them for 3 days!) so am going to talk to him tonight cus I think he will listen to me as he knows how I suffer with depression. I imagine it is quite mild depression - hope so anyway.

nana you talk teeth all you like honey! im sure no one minds! i also remember having 4 out with gas.....omg i was so ill afterwards. i think i puked on the dentists doormat.

talking of which - sorry ed that you are feeling ill. I think there are a lot of bugs doing the rounds - but please make sure you just sip drinks if you can - even just a bit of plain old water - dont get dehydrated. sip with a straw if its easier. I have a dicky tum today but im not sure if im imagining it after helping my pukey friend yesterday - having said that i feel very bloated and have stomach pain - also had to run to loo 3 times today so i feel on the verge of something nasty....if it stays as is thats fine - i cannot cope with nausea or worse....

I actually found Les Mis very uplifting - i was expecting a sad end but it was an uplifting end....sad yes, but a nice end - i did not know the story.(I think i shed a tear twice! but we were all sniffling so didnt feel too bad! and it was dark!) I enjoyed it and my lovely lovely friend (who is my mummy figure) fed me with homemade soup and kit kats! i love her so very much, she is such a sweetie. I had to have my cuddle as i left - it keeps me going until i see her again. It feels quite a cruel twist of fate that she has moved to my hometown which is where i long to be too, and every time i go i just miss her and home more and more. Today i drove past lots of landmarks from my childhood - the conker tree i used to get my conkers from and that sort of thing....i hanker to go home so much. I had sent for an application form for a job very near to where i used to live - good money but it would be murder to travel to....i cant see the point in applying as we have just remortgaged and i couldnt even move if i got the job for a few years.

i should be writing a list of my issues for occy health tomorrow - so far ive written in order of how much stress it causes me....

culture/bullying
stress / anxiety / feeling in danger
shifts / lack of anyone being home on nights for DD
home life/work balance
travel.

i cant think of anything to go back for. i should write pros and cons just for my self at some point - but i just find myself mentally ranting about the job.

Im not going back next week. Ive already primed my GP today that i will require a further sick note.

vicar remember some of the times when your calm and special nature has made a difference to someone... it's important to know what you've gained from the job and want to keep, whatever you do next [hug]

Good Evening!

I'm sorry about your grandson Nina, is it situational or chronic? Why is there no chance of him finding work?

Ed I agree with others about taking it easy for a few days. Being ill will probably rev up (probably wrong choice of words) your depression as well so don't freak out if that happens (though I expect it every time and STILL freak out when it happens).

Vicar it's really clear that your not ready yet to go back - and may never be ready. FWIW, I think you're doing the right thing making a list. Are you planning on asking about redeployment to a 9-5 post on the off-chance they realise that you leaving would be a waste of your talents and all the training you've had?

Also, what could you do to get over your friend being a selfish cow who didn't want to pass her germs onto her family but was quite happy for you to run her about the place? Could you talk to the mirror, as though it were her, and say all the things you'd like to get off your chest? OR, has she been good enough to you in the past that you could just mentally run through all those things until you feel better? (that has worked for me quite a few times)

Mech your side effects sound horrendous, I haven't had nausea as a side effect with citalopram but is there anything that reduces it at all?

Not long home - it's been a busy day today with meetings at ds's school about his abysmal report and then a trip to the dental hospital to see if he can have braces yet. Still too many baby teeth. So I've driven about 100 miles today and been in a hurry for most of it!

Never mind, I should probably sort loads of stuff out but I'm going to bed as I've had tremors on and off today which has been quite tiring TBH. It felt like I was vibrating. The worst part was having to ask a colleague to put a letter in an envelope for me. While I'm very comfortable talking about having depression, I am definitely NOT comfortable needing help because of it from anyone but medics. Probably seems ridiculous!

When I'm mega-depressed (has happened 5 times), I normally fixate on a particular food so, when I have to eat, I'll always have the same thing - usually bread and honey.

DS nagging me to get off laptop and spend time with him (we've been together non-stop since 1.45) so good night.

HB you might need occasional help because of the side effects of your medication - whether or not that's for a physical or mental condition.

Another thing: On a strong anti-psychotic in hospital long ago, the nurses noticed the side effects and I was prescribed something to counteract them. I'm wondering if there might be something similar for setraline (but know nothing)

isnt it odd that we all have the shakes? i wonder if its medication related or something else.....i cant hold a cup or a phone when i get bad.

silvery its so hard - because i do have an honestly held belief that i have made a difference to a lot of people - but i feel so stupid so often in front of my colleagues. im the one who sits and strokes the addicts hair while sitting them in the hospital because i know their back story and i feel sorry for them, or im the one who gives the elderly shoplifter a cuddle and a lift home and advice on seeing the GP after giving them a ticket because i realise it was a cry for help, im the one who lets the self harmer hug me after taking their blade and hiding it from them....i just feel like the worlds biggest idiot. i think thats what people (colleagues) think i am. i do not fit the culture. i think thats the thing that erodes my confidence in my own ability more than anything else - the way other people think of me. i know that left alone my way works. it does. but im more of a social worker than a police officer. i feel sorry for people who have had a hard time, i empathise too much. i cant be hard - it hasnt ever stopped me doing my job but when the situation calls for cockyness or confidence i dont have it.

i see this as a huge disadvantage and its just eroding my confidence. i feel like everyone is judging me all the time and i feel i cant say what i want to because im seen as soft. I stifle myself all the time in front of colleagues because what i want to do isnt what they would do. i still do my job - i just do it apologetically!! ....who wants an cop like that? really? i seem to get sent to the right jobs - i seem to land on the jobs where arm stroking is required....but when i need to look super confident i just dont have it in me. Our custody sgts are notoriously mean and they eat people like me alive. it makes me scared to arrest people - not because im scared of offenders but because im scared of the bloody custody staff....

its ridiculous and it makes me feel ridiculous. oh im waffling again.....im nervous about tomorrow.

I totally understand vicar, my post is really meant so you know what you can bring to your next job It does sound like the work situation you've been in is not right for you.

god i wish my self esteem was just better.

today dh said that his colleague had said she was really pleased to have met me and thought i was lovely. This was from Saturday night - i got on really well with his colleagues and met some lovely lovely new people that i would be keen to stay in touch with.

and i was suspicious - i just kept wondering what she was expecting? why do people think im going to be horrible? I thought he said it as if she was surprised that i was nice.....

she commented about how well i got on with the lady from the pub....

i am over thinking all this again....why wont my brain just stop and let me enjoy anything?

Cos you are not out of the woods depressionwise. Your brain is still naturally biased to see the downside of everything. This will pass.

thanks silvery

i wish i just knew that for certain. there is a tiny piece of me that thinks "no - i will buck the trend and i will just be me, and being me works so just because i do things differently doesnt mean im wrong".....i just feel belittled so often because i am silenced.

i went to a job last winter - paramedics called us. i got talking to the paramedic and he told me the backstory of the person we were called to. he said the police could get too heavy handed with this person....he told me the back story and i truly felt for this poor person. so i was very patient with them.

and i got taken the piss out of by other people. i am very tolerant. is that a bad thing?
part of me feels that i should be there - that im right for the job and that others are wrong.
part of me feels like a deluded idiot.
im not sure which i trust or if im both.

You are right for the job - in an ideal world

But you don't have to prove that, all on your own, in the real world, at the cost of your mental health.

thats true silvery i dont have to prove anything. i need to truly do what is right for me.
part of me just doesnt want to give up while another part wants to run and have nothing more to do with any of it. ever.

im not ready to make this decision yet.

Just popping on because I can't not.

I always say goodnight and give a resume of my day...today's consisted of reading, sleeping and feeling very ill.

I hope you will understand why there are no personal comments

Hi Vicar
Really good to know you are getting advice from police forums also . Only those in the job really understand for sure although we can empathise .
I have spoken in confidence and in a sort of abstract way with my son . absolutely safe . He so gets it .

You are a very valuable officer Vicar . It just seems sadly that you must do the front line stuff for a while before you can apply for the police work that is absolutely your forte . Just guessing here but it shines to me abused children ,vulnerable people . Get that two years under your belt and the higher brass will be begging for you . not my own words here by the way .
Sad that you have to undergo this hell frontline ..but I truly truly think that if Occ health pave some support for the next year and you can ride the storm and think yup I will do what I feel is best ......then you may find the job that will make a huge difference . The jobs are out there and good female officers are very important.
Everyone hates custody officers Vicar it seems . Not just you by any means my lovely . They are like us all doing their job I guess . A hard one . so hard .
You are not alone there by all I have learnt .

just see what occ health offer . speak your truth .

lots of hugs for all reading and suffering this damn illness .

basset thank you - in going to be honest with occy health. There's nothing else I can do.
Goodnighted and hope u feel better tomorrow. I'm off to bed now. Wish I could read in bed but dh is up at 1am so daren't disturb him. I'm going to try for a more positive day tomorrow - no navel gazing.
I'll be back after my appt. Night all x and thanks - waffling helps. I'll be better tomorrow - I'm focusing on work because I know my appt is looming .... I'll be ok after tomorrow. I hate feeling so negative x

Hi mechanical, this is a very supportive thread, I just joined this week and everyone has been great! I hope your side effects start to get better soon, I remember when I got started on citalopram in the early days I felt bloody awful.

vicar glad your turning a corner, sounds like your feeling a good bit stronger, and that you have had a good day. You have to do what's right for you and your family, but please don't feel you have to be different at work you sound absolutely lovely

nananina sorry to hear about your grandsons diagnosis, am sure he will listen to you.

ed sorry your not feeling well, hope the duvet day has helped and you feel a bit better tomorrow.

I have had a bit of a rubbish day, been feeling a bit down most of it, fell out with dh on the phone last night and I think he is huffing (he works away) he doesn't know how I am feeling just now as its not fair to tell him when he is so far away, we just had a silly argument and I hung up on him. Dd2 isn't very well either, she has an awful cough. I worry about dd1 she takes after me and worries about everything. And I feel so guilty as its me that's passed it on to her

There is only one important point you must keep in your mind and let it be your guide. No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us, not even the Buddha. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?”
&#8213; Dalai Lama XIV

love his wisdom ....not a religion thing for me ..just wanted to share .

Hmmm....

I'm up...feeling better but not great and (surprise surprise) exhausted

I've managed my medication today and some breakfast (I never eat brealfast). I still have a dull headache so I will see how that pans out. I am going to try and have a day resting. Will need a Napa some point. I'm falling asleep now. Gonna try and do some small jobs.. starting with getting the washing out of machine...it's been there 2 days...

I'm sorry you had such a bad day yesterday Stevie, have you made it up with dh yet today?

getting yourself well will set a good example for dd1 and even the most awful coughs pass (no matter how much each little hacking cough makes your heart break).

how long until dh is back?

hi all
ed glad you feel a bit better today.

stevie - hope you managed to speak to your DH - maybe you should just tell him you feel a bit down and thats why you are snapping...when is he home? I relate to the worry gene - i think ive made mine worry because i cant but worry all the flaming time. DH worried about nothing and im so jealous sometimes.

basset thank you for that little gem of wisdom....wise words indeed. i need to ask myself that question.

hugs to nana and helles and anyone else ive forgotton by now as i cant scroll back....

Well. I went to Occupational health - i cant quite see what the benefit was other than to tick a box somewhere or other.....time was very limited, i told her all my issues around the job and problems, she said she wouldnt put that in the report, and i left. Review in 3 weeks. in meantime i have to think about what in an ideal world i would want to get me back to work. i told her i was trying hard not to do anything rash but that i just felt perhaps its not for me. She thinks i will be off until after my investigations etc.
Sgt phoned me today and says i will be on half pay soon. i feel trapped.

the house is a tip and there is mud everywhere - the garden is being completely revamped - fences up, turfed, new patio, new garage....but its a mud bath everywhere and its all getting dragged in so no matter what i do its a mess.

i did manage to hoover right through up and down stairs and wash floors, tidy bedrooms etc. so thats something - it was getting on my nerves.

right. off for some food, will be back later.

oh vicar, it is crap that so little time - and, it seems, interest - was given to you.

The half-pay deadline puts so much pressure on.

vicar I am petrified of occupational health and will probably end up interviewed soon.

Any one have any idea about what I can do further for DS, he is almost 12. He made a comment about me not being myself last week, I explained I was stressed and off work and that it wasn't his fault and that I loved him.

He has been behaving badly since, really snappy he is obviously stressed about it. He called me crazy today. I said you still play sport, get dinner, go to friends , I'm just tired I say and need the house to be peaceful.

I have tried my hardest not to affect him but it obviously is, DH is good about stuff but very busy at work. I had his friend come over for dinner last night and then we played a board game, I am trying to keep the environment as regular as possible

Any ideas?

Vicar I have spent this morning mentally returning to your post to TSPC (21:43). All of the things you did for those people count for so much. I cannot remember exactly in relation to what (may have been parenting) but it was something along the lines of "When appear to I deserve it the least is when I need your love the most". You showed tremendous compassion to those people and acknowledged them. If I had a child, friend, relative, it would mean a lot to know that they were treated compassionately and with dignity.

Whatever your next is, I hope it is good for you. You care deeply.

My little journey through this has been a frequent reminder of how much a smile, acknowledgement or any little gesture can change the feeling of my day. You made life different for those people, even if for a short while.

I don't understand the point of your appt with OH Vicar - why isn't she putting the things that are troubling you in the report. Does she have to make some recommendation as to whether you are fit for work - I thought that was the function of OH - maybe not?

I was on half pay when I had been off work for a significant period (can't remember the details as it was when I had my first severe episode of depression) but I can recall that with paying less tax that it was more like three-quarters of pay, so hope that's the same for you.

fortunately I recently showed ds WHO animation of "i had a black dog, his name was depression" and he seems more relaxed about it now than previously. until then I had told him that I had something wrong in my brain which meant I sometimes felt sad when I should have been happy and sometimes woke up tired. it is still difficult at times - Like when he shouted at me that there was nothing wrong with me, I was just lazy and everyone knew I was lazy!

Unfortunately - its his age - you show any sign of being under the weather and they take full advantage. it sounds like you are doing everything right - keep consistent and dont take it personally - he is just testing the boundaries im sure.

mama thank you for saying that. I hope i did make a difference. Sometimes the things we get sent to do try patience but i have bags of patience and i dont mind spending time with people. OH adviser did say not to make any decisions yet - i think they will do what they can to facilitate my return - even if thats a different role temporarily or part time - but the problem is i dont really know enough to go into another role i dont think - im so new in service in the great scheme of things. i really dont know what to do. plus if i just changed my hours but stayed on response i would be out of my comfort zone more because id be with people i didnt know....

nana the pay thing is a worry, but i need to make some kind of decision. going back feels so so hard though. i half expect people to be really pissed off with me. The OH advisor says i have brilliant insight blah blah blah....but the report she has done (ive read it) is very much glossing over some of the problems i have around management and colleagues, which is fine - our inspector knows of the problems around our supervision but no one will do anything about it anyway.

it just makes it all feel slightly hopeless. The problems are simply not going to change and will all be waiting for me when i go back, when ever that is.

it feels like my choices are
jack it in
go part time
temporarily do something office bound but that will probably involve more travel and is temporary anyway.

work seem desperate to imply that nothing around work has had any bearing on how i feel. <shrug>

im still looking for other things but really not having much luck.

oh and i had a lovely text off someone i used to work with when i was a special here - he has heard through a pal that i arent doing too great and has offered a fresh pair of police eyes/ears....bless him.

while i dont want to inflict my misery on anyone else i just might take him up on that....

I think you're right vicar - he's gone out of his way to offer help at just he time when you need to find out about different roles wihin the force. make use of him.

just waiting for ds to come home from scouts (they were rock-climbing tonight so we were in different places and his scout leader is brining him home).

Evening all.

I seem to be back on top after a very dodgy morning. I was very sluggish and had a morning nap which was naughty but sometimes I just feel so tired that I end up gagging and have to give in.

Eventually got up about 1.30 and have written a letter of complaint regarding what kicked off Monday. It will probably end up with someone losing their voluntary role but it is not unjustified...stuff has been going on for months/years and for one reason and another I have been a bit of a central point to direct informal complaints. Now it has all come to a head and am waiting for the s$@t to hit the fan which won't be pretty.

Anyway since then I've been pretty functional...cooked tea. Kitchen is so so.
I'm in bed already. Bit chesty so expect that to brew and knock me for 6 (my chest has been a bit of a weak point since I had pneumonia a couple of years ago...especially when I'm stressed). Very shaky but expected that due to lack of meds yesterday. I've mostly just rested tho.

Tomorrow I must phone dentist...I think dcs appointment is while we are away...

Anyway I'm going yo try and catch up on random things people have said....but want acknowledge individual s because I can't remember who said what....
Someone (silvery?) Mentioned a self diAgnosis of inattentive attention deficit disorder...that made interesting reading...I recognise a lot of traits in myself....perpetuation of negative self image ..low self esteem....procrastination...inability to complete tasks that are already start ed. .

I think you are right (nana? ) I do overexert myself then crash and burn....I am getting better at picking myself up from the wreckage. I am also getting better at recognising triggers and patterns which will hopefully help in the long run.

Sorry OH didn't appear tl be very helpful. It comes across that they are very much working for the employer rather than with you...but reading your posts you seem to love the empathetic part of the job. You sound as though you are very good at it. I think you would make an excellent social worker or support worker.

Waves to everyone else.

Right...time to settle. Night all

goodnight ed

im going to bed soon too....im quite shattered. ive had a really busy week and tomorrow i can do nothing....i will walk the dog, i have to get up due to builders but i dont have to go anywhere or do anything which is a relief. dog will be walked. then i can crash. i did lots of housework today - but the mudbath outside means that within hours the floors are muddy again. its a losing battle.

tomorrow may not be a duvet day but will be an easy one....im planning nothing much.

well - i had planned to sneak back to bed for a bit but i havent - i was up at 7.30 and made the bed, got dressed as had to walk dog - she cant get out into garden - so ive not gone back to bed. think i might attempt some ironing. Im tired but didnt end up going to bed until 1am.

hows everyone else this morning?

Wakey Wakey rise and shine

<rips curtain pole off the wall trying to open the curtains that someone has sewn shut >

Anyone like to guess my mood this morning?

Am tired from waking quite a lot last night (and spending an hour reading the worra thread...) but am up. Am dressed (in jeans....my attire reflects my motivation...pj's being zero...trackie being middling...jeans being quite high...make-up is a bonus level).

I feel kindnof happy. Kind of functional.

I feel motivated but bored. I don't want to eons anything but I don't feel like I can't.

Now...therapist tomorrow....I had better find and fabricate this diary I've Been keeping since before Christmas...

Xposts vicar

i shall call you "mrs motivator" from now on! well done ed

i ve not reached the bonus level yet - in fact ive not brushed my hair yet but i wore a hat to spare the public at large...

i have washed my face, ive just not put it on and i dont think i will be today!

right. off to find some ironing. (which wont be hard since i have 3 baskets of it)

<tries to guess what eons is a typo for>

<fails>

All well here. Have been feeling great - but still going for naps, reckon it is just part of my weird natural pattern. The joy of being retired .

I come from a family of nap takeres on DF's side - he has always had 40 winks after lunch, in a chair. And when we were kids and went to stay with his mum, DGM, the adults always had an hour's nap, in bed, each day after lunch. DGM (and DGD who I never knew) were from shopkeeper's families at the turn of the 1900.s, so perhaps it was a left over from that?

Eons = do

Phone autocorrect error...

I might change my name to EdwiniaImpersonatesHellesForTheDay

I'm sure it won't last for ever.

I suspect a nap will be in order this afternoon...I just feel positive and chirpy with it...

Any thoughts on this situation at work

They have got a temp in to cover my absence using my desk, I have said I will go in after hours and remove personal items from it. All fine, I am also wondering if to log on to my computer to remove my cv and a couple of other documents of a personal nature that are on it. The temp has my log in as needs access to my work to cover.

I actually can't believe how stressed this has made me. Unfortunately paranoia is part of my condition.

You might as well take the things off the computer, especially if it makes you feel better.

I am a trusting soul, however I have learned not to be (so much) in the workplace (one reason why I'm never going to apply for another job).

Yes if you are going in I would take any personal effects, which includes electronic information.

Wanders into thread.

Repairs curtain pole

Draws curtains

Level 1 dress code ladies

<I can get a bit silly and childish as I come out of stressful situations....>

<impressed>

What is a level 1 dress code?

Many thanks for advice, your all fab btw.

Ha ha...I made it up this morning...

Level 1 = pjs
Level 2 = comfy trackie that is only worn around house
Level 3 = dressed properly for going out (which for me is jeans)

Bonus level = make up

I hope you don't mind me posting on this thread, but I just wanted to delurk and let you know how helpful this thread has been to me today.

I am on citalopram (2 years now) for stress and anxiety related issues, I've always been prone to catrastrophising and being 'down' for periods of time, but things came to a head and I was no longer coping.

4 years ago DH - who has a long history of depression and OCD had a stroke completely out of the blue. Despite the mental health problems he was a young, active bloke so it was a huge shock. Having recovered from that, 2 years ago he was diagnosed with cancer.

He is in remission currently and all looks well, but he has had a terrible time going back to work, it has been mis-managed and it now appears that his boss is trying to 'manage him out'. So the last few days have been incredibly stressful as we try to decide how to proceed.

Predictably, I have returned to eating junk and wrapping myself up in the duvet. Not good for anyone. House is a tip, I feel dreadful and I'm setting a terrible example to our two DS's.

So. Thank you all. I have read through both threads and have made myself some rules.
1) Up at a regular time.
2) Walk the dog.
3) No bed during the day.
4) Eat well.
5) Clear the kitchen before bed
6) Bed at a regular time.

You have inspired me ladies

Ed am most impressed so happy your having a good day.

Ua I would do as ed and spc suggest.

Dh and I are talking again, the Internet has been playing up on his boat so made communication a bit difficult, I can't bring myself to tell him yet, my mum and mil know so get some support, again I am having a bad day, ended up at ooh last night with dd1 and having to take her to gp today she has abdo pain and they thought she had a loaded colon, but she has been going to toilet everyday, so am not convinced, she is actually in agony when it starts. I am so teary today, and forgetting everything am also doubting I am any good at work, and feel like am failing my dd's, (what a moaner I am today).

I had a two week level 1 in the New year.

Can I suggest a bonus for hair washing? With triple points for being arsed to blow dry it.

ed love your levels

Hello maggie this thread is very supportive, I can relate to the catastrphising, but need to go to docs again with dd1, but will be back.

<claims bonus for hair washing>

and I'm on level 3 and have been out to buy milk and cigs

Ed I love your levels.

I've been in pyjamas since Saturday, no shower :/

Now going to have a shower and get down to the shop. I HAVE to. There's nothing in the house and I am dying of boredom.

Hi Maggie - glad we could help. it sounds like you've both been having a rough time of it. has dh spoken to his union about being managed out?

it may be useful to you to set times for each task. eg get up by such and such a time or work the dog straight after lunch. I tend to use more of the second time eg get up when I wake up as they work better for me.

hi everyone.

loving the levels ed

think im on level 2 today, no bonus points though. however, the garden is well underway - its going to be a completely blank canvas so im now looking at trees and plants and trying to plan how to plant it. We have a new garage, new turf and new patio in the making....nothing in the garden now at all and looks a bit bare. Front will be low maintenance and drive block paved....ive found the telegraph did a page with the best plants by post so im going to have a mosey tonight and get scribbling - i feel quite excited about the new garden and being able to use it, and plant it, it looks huge but so bare....it needs trees. im missing the bushes and trees i had but they were all diseased and out of control...need to replant.

Welcome maggie - im glad you find it useful - i find it very comforting to talk with others who are experiencing or have experienced similar. A bit of solidarity and its nice.

Im planning nothing much again tomorrow but i did manage to clear a large basket of ironing today so i have clothes in my wardrobe for the first time in ages. i even ironed my work wear so i dont have to look at it....

i have walked the dog 3 times.

i know i cannot go back to bed tomorrow as the dog cant go out in the garden so will need walking as soon as DD goes to school, and the builders will be back needing power and water so i have to hang around....still - thats probably a good thing. its forcing me out of bed and im having to stay up.

well. i think i will go and do some research on plants....its quite exciting - im looking at patio sets and bbqs too! cant afford them but im plotting for when i can....!

stevie im sorry you are struggling - when is your DH home? i was told yesterday that when we are down we have a negative filter - so everyday situations that normally we read nothing into we start to find negative slants on everything - it doesnt make it true - its just how you are feeling. hang on to that. Are you on meds?

UA - i did the same in the run up to xmas - i think i was on level 1 for about 2 weeks too - with minus points for no face washing, no hair washing and no housework!

waves to everyone else - old and new. off to google trees.....im starting to think i should have gone for an outdoorsy job - im loving the horses and im excited at the prospect of planting my new garden....

sounds like you have quite the project ahead of you vicar hope you find everything you need for the garden.

you're soundin so positive ed you really seem to have picked up over the last couple of weeks.

there's so many people I've only been able to remember and reply to the most recent posts. I'll have to post this and go back to the thread to refresh mu memory. hate updating on mobile

mechanical, silvery and unfortunately

I had several level 1's over Christmas and, tbh, would love a couple now. I'm finding being around people difficult right now. roll on half term!

I absolutely agree with the blowdry bonus as I have to be level 3 for work anyway (except trousers not jeans) and I hate wearing makeup so no chance of that bonus. I hope ed allows it!

anyway, so tired now so will wave to anyone who's been on today nut I haven't mentioned and also to any more lurkers. Hello!

Quick panicky text.

I should have been keeping a diary for the last 6 week's to hand in tomorrow

I can't find the blank sheet let alone fill it in...

Do yuo reckon I could print this thread instead

Runs away panicking ....

I think you defo could ed or copy and paste your bits onto a word doc?

actually ed i think i have been more honest on this thread than anywhere else - i would print the thread! or at least do what HB said and put your posts onto a work document and print that.

i would just say that you have not been in the right place to complete the diary but you have put your thoughts on paper.

whats the worst that can happen?

Evening from my bed.

Found my blank diary. I will fill it in tomorrow before I see the therapist...it's not a free text diary but I have each day sectioned out and have to record each activity with an enjoyment and acheivement score. I should be able to do it by tracking back through this thread...which is kind of why I started doing a daily resume. I started it because there was no way I could do it properly with my mum in the house...so planned to do the first 2 weeks using this thread as my guide....and now the resume is my habit

So....for today's resume...

Woke up feeling Ermm.....lively to say the least. I felt kind of normal. Well. Like the last 3month's hadn't happened. I was bored sitting doing nothing, but didn't want to do anything...but it was a feeling of I didn't want to do it rather that my body wouldn't let me if that makes sense.

So I put some washing on the airer and played on the Wii after wasting an hour of my life reading the original worra thread.

I then had some lunch (a rare occurrence...I often snack at 4ish then I'm not hungry for tea)...and I wanted a nap...almost more out of boredom and I was tired from disturbed sleep.

When I woke up my mood had shifted. Big style. I was inert. I was still in bed when twins came home. I collected dd3 and got fish send chips which we ate with a friend. Planned packing for next week's centre parcs break....but I feel flat. The chip wrappers are all in the kitchen because ibhad locked up before I scraped plates and couldn't be bothered unlock to put in bin. Yesterday's leftovers are still on side because bin has been at end of drive for collection (yesterday) and I couldn't be bothered to collect it.
I have nitty gritty'd dd3.
I have gone thru a pile paperwork and disposed of some In an effort to find this diary. I am in bed early (but will read).

Overall...I feel flat tho. I am angry at myself for achieving so little considering how positive I felt when I woke up. I am angry for myself for napping when I could have survived without....I only did it because of habit and because I was tired (not exhausted). My kitchen is a tip. I am angry at myself for leaving this diary till last minute.

Am cross because I wake up feeling hideous and I achieve so much... and yet when I wake up hyperactive I achieved spent little

But vicar hope you can get your teeth into that project and may be shit you need to keep you away from your bed.

Welcome Maggie and waves at any lurkers. I definitely commend you for trying to maintain a routine. The main foCus of my therapy is to re-estabLish a daily routine starting with a senSible sleep pattern and starting from scratch is paiNstaking

Waves to everyone else vosvwe aren't a new page and can't remember tho hascsaid what.....in fact it seems to have been quiet today other than everyone comparing dress code levels (glad you like it )....I have probably spent 75% of the last 4 week's on level 1.5 (trackie thrown over the top of pj' s) which was why I was proud of today's level 3.

Oh anD my phone keyboard is. Playing up big style so apologies for random capitalisation.

Forgot to say goodnight all

ed - its going back to bed.....it does us no good what so ever.

you did loads and you should take heart from the fact you felt so good earlier.
i am often the same - a big high, then a low. i think sleeping when we should be up defo makes a difference to how we wake and feel. i know it. but the temptation is still there to go crawl back to bed - its only the builders that are shaming me into not going back to bed....

helles is right about bed....i know it wont always stop me though. sometimes its just what i need.

good luck with the diary and goodnight ed

ive been getting into arguments on AIBU so i am winding down....

goodnight everyone else....x

ed the highs and lows are draining. You did give me a good giggle with your exuberance. I made it to dress level 3 but I rarely use makeup and blowdry my hair maybe twice a year.

I have had a couple of mornings when I have woken up bright eyed and bushy tailed, and it was abreath of fresh air. However the dip down felt so much worse as it was in comparison against happy IYSWIM. I am trying to remind myself this and to use it to help balance out the lows (or at least to try to rationalize why they feel so rough).

Sleep - I have been working on this for a few weeks. Last night I woke up three times and was awake by 0530. I avoid napping in the day but do allow myself the indulgence of one semi-duvet day of R&R. I have lowered some of my household standards and am limiting how much I do in a day. Even on days when I feel like I could do more. Again trying to maintain a steady and even flow in my days. Housecleaning burn

Gah. Typing on phone...

Housecleaning burnout if you will.

I guess I am cutting things back, trying to find stability and then slowly build things up.

Very much liked Bassetfeet's Dalai Lama quote. We do need to be happy with ourselves; we need to think about what we want our life to be and what will work for us.

Big wave to all. G'night!

Nananina, hope your grandson is finding balance in his life. In terms of treatment and ADs, I remember your broken leg analogy. You are very sympathetic and have good advice.

I do a Hellesbelles and have a chat on my tod...

Not sure how many of you do anything for lent. You might like this suggestion - I normally try to bring new habits into my life as opposed to taking things out. I do this because I find it more difficult to start things than to stop.

Morning all....don't worry mama I am the queen of talking to myself...

<puts on my best Verruca Salt voice> I want my bed. I want my bed. And I want it now.

Woke a few times. Didn't want to get up. Dress code 1.5 although I will upgrade that to 3 before I see therapist.

Going to put rubbish out...load dishwasher and my kitchen might look a bit better...then I must do this diary....

vicar you are definitely right about sleep. If I feel awful before I sleep sleep sometimes help cos I can't feel any worse when I wake IYSWIM. I have realised that sleeping when you feel positive is a huge mistake.

I am going to try not to sleep today (mainly cos I want to pop out after therapist which won't leave time)...but we''ll see.

Right time to get on..I need to trawl through these threads to do this diary......couldnmake interesting reading....

Good day to all...

ER when unwell when I have a very lucid, I feel normal moment it actually upsets me because I know it is temporary. Good luck with your diary.

It will be hard to get off level 1 as DS is ill off school and it has stressed me, he will stay in bed as has a temp and I will need to take him drinks and chek on him a lot. Just find stuff like this gets me down more than it should.

MK I do Lent, I have given up cake before, I also try to be nice all the time and not let people annoy me, that is hard!

I know what you mean UF. When I am unwell anything that diverts from the perfect path I have planned for my day/week/whatever throws me into a whirlwind that I can't cope easily with....

Hmm lent...I could give up my bed <deluded>

Ooops. ...I've done 4 weeks worth of diary....

My appointment is in 20mins.....I am still on level 1.5 dress code.

Better run....

I'm back.

I blagged my way through.

She was so impressed with how well the behaviour activation diaries are working for me that I have to do them for another 4 week's....either that and she saw straight through me and decdied I should have 4 weeks of doing them properly.

She wants me to take my afternoon naps on the sofa....yuk...I neglected to tell her I even downgrade to dresscode 1 for my naps....she would be horrified...

Oh well...what shall I spend my afternoon doing...shopping ....bathing...sleeping or Wii-ing...

I'm out of bed.

I'm talking to myself

I'm bored of the Wii.

Can't be bothered to go to shops.

Dunno what yo do with myself to stop myself sleeping...

I have played quite a bti of solitaire (vegas rules) to occupy my brain and avoid having a nap.

Am thinking of having a nap soon, though, at level 3 dress code (minus cardi and shoes) but definitely under duvet

hi all

Is there anything else you can do ed - curl up on the sofa with your book or a good magazine? i love solitaire spc ....that wakes your brain up a bit.

i have had a mixed day. I only got 5 hours sleep last night, so i got up at 6 but didnt get dressed - took dog for a wee in my pjs then when builders arrived i filled their kettle, plugged them in for power and i went back to bed. However, between the builders, my menagerie and my DD texting me - i didnt get back to sleep.
i laid in bed until 11 but then got up and got dressed - dress code 3 with bonus points as i put on make up and brushed hair!

i have walked dog to park, popped out to have eyelashes infilled (how vain?? but i had them done for DHs black tie do and im hooked....i may need to look into permanent ones - i dont have to faff about with mascara and they make such a huge difference to how my eyes look with minimal make up required....) so did that and then went to argos to buy a whirly gig dryer for the garden.

in a mo im going to do some job searching and some garden research, then i might allow myself to find somewhere that does permanent false lashes....

im at the stables tomorrow and sunday.
dress code will be 3 but no bonus points to be gained tomorrow.

i may have lost points today for the late hour i managed to fall out of bed but i feel ive made up for it....i even have lippy on.

I was a good girl...I had a bath .

I'm going to scrunch my hair rarher than clippibg it back...dunno how it will respond...it desperately needs cutting. I might even manage to moisturise. ..my skin does look dire atm.

Need to pack for dcs to go to xps for the weekend...but they are going away making it harder. Then I am picking them up from x sil on way to centre parcs...lord knows how successful this will all be...

Anyways...no nap yay!

Very tired!

Typical twin day with vicar tho...thinkkng about 'beauty'....

Gahhhh ive updated my phone and mow my predictive text isntcworking at all...

Appologies...

Finally had a shower today. Spoke to two of my flatmates. Haven't actually managed to do any work and I have a million things to do, so I'm panicking about that.

MT what do you have to do - make a list and then work through it.....? just focus on what you have to do though.

ed im glad i have a twin.....

Hello everyone - sorry but I really can't keep up with posts anymore and if I scroll back I still forget who said what! I think this is definitely down to my ageing brain cells. I went out for lunch today with 3 women friends around my age and we spent ages talking about our bad memories. It's definitely an age thing - I heard a bloke on the radio describe his brain as like a collendar and that is exactly how I feel - words just slip away and I am constantly forgetting what I am talking about, but my friends are all the same. Ah the joys of getting old.

Headmonster asleep and hope you are all as "well as can be expected" - I know there is still a lot on here about going to bed (YES I am all for it if that's how you feel and have the time) I'm fed up with medics and therapists telling us we shouldn't go to bed - they've never had crippling depression when sometimes you can't face the world. Also note seeing lots of posts about household chores not getting done - my DP does most of ours but I put off things that I should do. My friend came out with a wonderful phrase today "Procrastination is the name of the Game" - love it!!

Vicar am intrigued by the lash filler - my eyelashes are so small they can hardly be seen but then I don't bother with make up much these days, though loved eye make up when I was at work. You must be feeling so much better to be thinking of such things!

Wish I could remember who said what but I can't so just sending love to everyone.

sending love back nana and glad to hear the HM is snoozing soundly!

yes im a bit embarrassed by the fact im preoccupied with false eyelashes but it must be a good sign....

had an email today to say my application for the NHS job has been acknowledged.

dont worry about addressing anyone in particular.....i struggle with that too!

The list of stuff I have to do isn't huge...I'm just scared of starting it. I know that sounds stupid.

mT it truly doesnt sound stupid at all - i can really relate to what you are saying.
sometimes i just want to hide or run away rather than face the stuff to do...no matter what it is.

mt what works for me (sometimes) is a very short list (max 3 items). A further wrinkle is to plan the next hour in 15 min blocks, one task per block plus take a rest at the end for the last block...

Thanks Vicar. Silvery that sounds like it could work for me. Will try it tomorrow and let you know how I get on.

Excellent advice here as always from our fellow posters . The 15 minute block idea is the only thing that gets me motivated to do any housework at all.
Love the quote "housework burnout " byMama . Totally bemused how I changed from a cleaning fanatic to the slattern I am now..

Wishing you all a peaceful ,productive weekend ......no headmonsters or agitation. Good restorative sleeps and no inward blaming ourselves if we need a nap or duvet time .

Hope to get out and go walking by the river tomorrow and soothe . Also go to library and find a lightweight book to kickstart my love of reading once more.
Always had a book in my hand and since last year have been completely unable to concentrate nor had the interest .Lost interest in everything ...but it is creeping back

Bit annoyed at the hate posts re nurses and police .....I know bad eggs are in all workplaces but somehow I have taken these comments far too much to heart .
So maybe just maybe I will get my knitting out /read and clean instead of mumsnet over the weekend .
Doubt it though . take care all . I think of you a lot . and

i doubt it too basset but i should.

i make very short lists....and DH is brill at helping out with housework and washing etc.

i really need to start reading again - i used to read every day but lately i have trouble even picking up a magazine....

Good evening.

Hope helles has got her stars ready for me

I didn't go back to bed....at all
I had a bath
I have 'done' my hair
I have eaten despite being home alone

Need to pop another load of washing in before I go to bed

Then I plan a reasonably relaxed weekend with as much sleep as I want. I am going to centre parcs with friends on Monday so there will be a week on the go...being sociable....with no naps, followed by a week with no xp for schools runs and respite.....come the 1 March I will be flat on my back for a week.

Crash and burn is definitely something I have to address....it is a pattern which is noted by my therapist today and something I really need to get on top of.

Mechanical. Personally if I make a list of tasks I set myself up for failure because I inevitably miss at least 1 and then feel like I have failed. What works for me is to have a list of important things so I don't forget them....they can be tasks...they can be packing lists/shopping lists.
In reality I tend to decide that I have to "work" for 15mins when I first get up, before lunch, before a nap....and I spend that 15mins doing something 'functional'...and I am not allowed to make lunch/nap/have a bath until I have spent 15mins being functional. You will be amazed what you cn acheive in 15mins and on a good day.....if I get into something 15mins can turn into 45.... So I will be successful if I decide I am going to do 3 tasks tomorrow, but decide what they are when the time comes. If I tell you I am going to clean the bathroom, do some ironing and vacuum...I just won't do it. And once I decide I am going to do something I can often keep going once I get started.

Hope that makes some sense....but just thought I would add what works for me.

Really pleased that nana is sitting firmly on the HM.

Right....am off to bed. Bit bored this evening....b ut think that is a good sign as it means I will want to find something useful to occupy my time....

productive day for ed - what's Brill is how pleased you are - positive emotions are back

are you a perfectionist mt? I have been trying flylady but my perfectionism gets in the way. I'll keep going til a task is done rather than do the min blocks she talks about.

I divide my list into must (urgent and important) and could (important but not yet urgent).

I am definitely learning that every positive deserves a . And that one negative does not cancel out all thr .

I am in bed.

It is 2 years to the day that I confirmed my xp was having an affair. ..and tomorrow will be 1 year to the day that my step dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we started the very short, very intense journey to the end.

My mum has contacted me on fb to say 'weather a bit different to last year' which is her way of saying this time last year we travelled 80miles in an ambulance to the nearest specialist centre at 3am in temperatures of -8ºC...

I dunno what to say. I am not close yo my mum geographically or emotionally. I don't do empathy very well....I bury my hesd in the sand....

Sounds like you do understanding quite well though ed. Suggest you reply something weather or seasonally related, but equally metaphorical - something like 'at last seeing the first signs of spring in the garden'.

Helles, I am utterly a perfectionist. But the thing is I know nothing I ever do will be perfect - so a lot of the time I just don't bother putting any effort into things.

Very hard to get past.

Hmm...

Time for a nap...I will reply later....

MT same here - total procrastinator. In some ways would rather be OCD - I'd be equally miserable but in a clean and tidy house!!

Reading ^Overcoming Perfectionism^at the moment. It makes sense but I can't do the exercises in case I do them wrong

Ed I think Silvery's right about keeping it light with DM. In some ways today (because of XP link) is a day of freedom. How long had you thought you had a good relationship with someone who was willing to cheat on you? This is the anniversary of the day you were set free from that. possible ?

Hello everyone. I'm wondering whether anyone would mind if I joined your lovely support thread? I have schizoaffective disorder, basically depression and psychotic symptoms, and have had them for 2-3 years now. I'm going through a bit of a blip at the moment, and I like that people here think (short) naps can be valuable.

Tried to have a Bing Bang Teory Marathon with DS last night but we both fell asleep. I woke up at half ten to a whingy 12 year old (starving) and a disgusting kitchen with no clean dishes or pans...

I've been letting myself down.

This morning, so far, I've done half an hour of washing up, put some washing out, fed both of us, hoovered the lounge, dining room and kitchen. Still at level 1 dress (sans-shower). DS at level 2 and playing out .

I have chosen my dissertation title so just have to get on with it now! But there's a family gathering this afternoon - drinks and nibbles at great-aunts . DM and I not speaking . She'll act like everything's fine though. I just don't care any more . At least DB and DSIL will be there as well as 5 DC's

Hi SnowyMouse I think I'm the only one on ATM (everyone else is napping!!) so welcome. Your condition sounds like it must be quite horrendous for you. Are you currently undergoing any treatment?

A BBT marathon sounds like fun You sound like you've done a lot today already, I hope the family get together goes ok.

I take antidepressants and antipsychotics, and at the moment the crisis/home treatment team are coming to see me each day, which I'm not awfully keen on. I find MN'ing helps

<waves to snowy>

helles one way to tackle perfectionism is to deliberately do things wrong!

I am already VERY good at doing the wrong thing!!

But doing it On Purpose?

Haven't tried for a long time. Was quite bad at school!

You were good at being bad ? No I mean set out to do something that you would normal want to be perfect, and deliberately do it less than perfect...

Gah...a friend rang....couldnt sleep.

Im getting up and dressed (level 2) now to go for a mosey around the shops. If I dont I will spend all day in bed...

I used to match peg colours when hanging up the laundry . one day I decided to challenge myself not to. The angst! Once I got over almost a guilty feeling I felt rather gleeful that I had deliberately done it in a nonsystematic way

Well that is the crisis team over for today. I hope you have a nice time around the shops ER

OK, I have done 2 of the 4 main things I need to do. Massive relief. Neither of them even slightly perfect, in fact one of them is frankly shit. But at least it is done.

Hi snowymouse glad you joined the thread. There are so many of us on it now, that it's difficult (or impossible for me!) to remember who said what, but I think others are finding that too. I will always be able to reply to you though because of meeting you on the other thread and know a bit about you.

Hi to everyone else - I was seriously interested in the eye lash fillers Vicar - us over 60's need all the help we can get in the looks department! I've often been tempted to get my brows done as well but am scared to go into one of these beauty salons with golden skinned girls with long blonde hair!!

Ed could youexplain the levels to snowymose I'd do it, but I'm not sure myself - I think maybe there should be a minus one level though!

Bloody HM played a dirty trick on me today. Woke feeling fine, planning day (nothing exciting) baking coffee & walnut cake for my niece's 50th birthday and was fine for an hour after getting up and then the damn creature woke up and began trampling all over me. So back to bed at about 1.00 and cried for ages and apparently fell asleep - woke at 2.30 feeling crap and have felt just vaguely miserable all afternoon, but I have made the coffee cake!

Bassetfeet can't recall exactly what you posted, but I know you said you had turned from being a perfectionist about housework to going to the opposite end of the continuum.........but I think you said you were feeling better and mentioned getting out knitting. I am about to do that as I find it very soothing.

Love to all

Good night all.

evening all and welcome snowy

well, im very tired but went to stables again today and am back tomorrow for my lesson and helping out - instructor confuses me sometimes as can be a bit contrary but i think the influx of kiddie helpers gets on her nerves on a saturday....im hoping tomorrow she will be in a better mood.

so today was level 3 for me - no bonus points but at least i got out and thanks to my wonderful false eyelashes i need no make up to make my eyes look fab..... and really not that much effort required to go and muck out stables....so it was wellies and jeans.

i think eds levels were

level 1 - pjs
level 2 - comfy stuff you woulnt go out in like trakky bottoms etc...
level 3 - dressed and ready for action! (as in would go out without being embarrassed....)

bonus points for make up and hair....

so im up at 9 tomorrow to walk dog and then go to stables to help out for 11.30.....
im tired and have been in fresh air but as i say RI was grumpy and i kept feeling guilty as if it were me - normally she asks for a cuppa but when i got one ready today she said she like to do it herself....wouldnt come in to eat with us and was generally grumpy so i stayed out of way and went home early.

tomorrow tends to be less kids "helping" so am hoping she is in a better mood....

Good evening.

Glad you had a day at the stables vicar. Sorry it wasnt more enjoyable.

Well...I woke at 10 (think I wss reading till 1). Did some reading. Tried to nap. Failed. Got up at 3. Level 2 clothes...had a mill around the shops. Spent money I dont have.

Came back. Had microwave meal for tea. Played on my new wii game for a couple of hours.

Feel COMPLETELY flat.
Forgot mh meds so tomorrow will be rubbish.

Got sooo much to do tomorrow (packing etc.) I feel overwhelmed.
Got to spend 4 days with a good friend , someone I hadly know, and 4 lively children. The thought of being awake and sociable for that length of time is overwhelming me.
Then I get 24hr respite.
Then I single handedly have the dcs for 8 days straight.

Feeling very very overwhelmed.

Close pgce friend got a permanent job today. Another pgce friend that had to repeat a placement due to stress has passed this time. I know I am better than her (and I don't say that about many) so it's making me question whether I should give this another shot.

I've still not spoken to mum. Avoidance seems lkke the best strategy in my currently overwhelmed state.

Completely pointless day all round.

Waves to all the regulars and lurkers ...and welcomes snowy.

Im in bed and going to try and settle down early.

Night all.

home and back down to level 1. I was level three plus both bonuses for afternoon at great-aunts. number of times I could have strangled dm: 5 so not too bad. fb and dsil came round here after and just left so... (expectant drum roll)... I am both drunk and up late!

OMG Ed it's small wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. I am feeling like that just reading your post. Why are you doing this if you don't mind my asking - how can a good friend be someone you hardly know!

Do you mean you are caring for your friend's 4 children for 8 days (does that include your own kids) whether it does or not, I can't help but wonder how you got into such an arrangement.

I've felt pretty much FLAT all day and it's crap isn't it.

Will you still be in touch on MN over the next week or so......I do worry Ed that you take on too much...........keep us posted and take care of yourself in amongst all those kids.

Calm down nana...whilsts its bad its not quite that bad...

I am away for 4 days with good friend + another adult I hardly know + my 3 dcs + 1 other dc I know well. It seemed like a good idea at time....and now I am reglecting I find socialising with goid frirnd for several hours at the mo.

Then I get 24hrs home bed alone.

Then I have my 3 dds for 8 days straight. Xp is away...so no overnights for dcs. He wont be able to do school runs etc. I know I can do this....but the dcs will get cranky with no contact...and just knowing I have no respites creates a huge physcological stone wall.

Oh and in the middle of all tgat I have to confront xMIL and xSIL for the first timd since we split 2 yrs ago...

Any-one know where I can get some valium?!?!?

Oh and trust me....I still plan to have MN in amongst all that. Hopefully I will have a strong enough phone signal...hopefully I will find the time...

ed if you can, make it clear you need a nap each day - like my DF's side of the family (see previous post). I know 3 of them are your kids, but with 2 other adults there, plus another dc, it could be possible.

you seem to do well on days you see friends but a full week is intense so if each adult gets time to themselves for a nap every day, it can only be good for everyone.

Good morning. Level 2 here today.

wow snowymouse already?

eek! it's 9am - I need level 3 + bonuses by ten

I'm not sleeping much at night at the moment. Good luck HellesBelles396!

morning. level 1 and Must Have Bath - toenails rather long!

still in bed . no church this morning.

Morning. Levrl -1 (in bed).

Only been awake 20 mins

When I can drag myself out of bed I WILL be able to acheive good things....

You can do it, TSP, HB and ER!

still in bed

Still in bed

Meeting friend in 40mins. And I have done nothing (apart from finish the book I was hooked into...)

ok - am up, both fed and level 2'd.

been on phone to DM for nearly an hour. Bath is run, I'll actually get in it in a minute...

we're doing well silvery

Im up and in tesco.

But still so much ahead of me.

And so sleepy.

clean, talons cut, and level 3. I must go out somewhere - think I will drive over to see a friend (no, no that one)

Careful of drive home then ed!

Here's a little insight into my family relationships: what DM did next

Right.

Im home.

I have 15 hours to pack and sleep and sort house (empty fridge etc.)

Anyone fancy making a list to make sure I dont miss anything (packing for 4 days at centre parcs...)?

Oh glad you explained what was happening Ed I was beginning to wonder if...........sounds like you will get some R & R. We have been to Center Parcs quite a few times - will you be able to use the spa and massage etc. Don't know if you're a swimmer or which one you are going to but we always go to Whinfell Forest in the Lakes district and there is an outdoor pool but heated to 80 centigrade and it's wonderful to swim and look up at the stars!

It's going to be muddy I guess, so wellies or strong boots I reckon. Hope you have a lovely time, and "zone out" when you need to.

I'm really worrying about people worrying about stopping in bed till late morning. It's beginning to sound like we are taking crack cocaine in our bedrooms!! With all those gloomy faces. I have given myself permission to stay in bed on bad days till 1.00 at latest. I know I have the time to do this cus of not having young children or work, but let's cut ourselves some slack. Been speaking to a close friend today and she has helped me enormously but she mentioned she didn't think it was a good idea to stay in bed so late, so I said I hear what she is saying but am not taking it on board. I've always hated getting up in the morning and when I was at work I would lie in till 12 or so at the weekends. This was all back in those wonderful days before the Headmonster made his appearance!

Hi all, I am de-lurking! Love this thread! Today I was level 2, then had a bath & back to level 1. I'm back in bed having been up for 6 hours...
I look forward to getting to know some mn's.

I've survived the crisis team's visit, today's tip being to watch some tv. I'm looking forward to getting their visits reviewed tomorrow. I'm still level 2.

Enjoy Center Parcs!

I have ds though, nina who didn't get breakfast til 12 - again!

maintained level 2, did a little work for uni course, spent most of day mning though.

Hi khal

Love the fact that the levels have caught on...

...but why am I rooted to my sofa...

things I usually forget:

undies
deodorant
medications!!
pj's
comb
toothpaste

Medication!

I forgot to take yesterdays and am like a zombie today....

Im still stuck to sofa tho. I cant believe I have so much to do and I dont feel like I can move

because you have so much to do!

how about just putting cases on bed? nothing else.

Hmm...have to go up into the loft before I do that!

Im going for a wee.. (sorry TMI) so im going tobput some washing in...and tumble dryer on...

evening all and hi to khal

ed to break down what you need to do - it wont be so hard then. I would love a few days in CP! just think - it will be lovely, peace, quiet,(well - i know you have the kids with you but!!) walks, cosy nights in with a bottle of wine....just a change of scene will do you good.

dont forget your make up bag for those bonus points.....
hair dryer?
straighteners?
soap
cleanser/toner/face cream
hair bobbles and brushes
washing up liquid
t - towel
are towels and bedding included?
meds
are you taking any food with you? booze?
CDs and CD player or ipod
ill carry on thinking......

we always forget something....usually dog food. (she comes on hols with us!)

do you have all your clothes washed to pack or is that what you are putting washer on for? if so as it comes out of drier throw what you want to take in one pile. Then you can just do a knicker and sock count when you pack it - do you iron before packing or when you get there?

im absolutely shattered. going for a bath in a min and then to bed i reckon pretty soon - been at stables again and ended up staying until riding instructor left, so only been in about an hour- i had my lesson much later today. i smell of horse so must go for that bath....i had to be up early today to walk dog before going to stables, where i have mucked out nearly all the stables so im truly knackered.

tomorrow i need to phone doctors and see if i can get another sick note. Builders will be back for the garden so i will have to stop up. I could really do with a lazy day....must remember to phone doctors....

how was the riding instructor today without the children's lessons, vicar?

ed have you been to get cases from the loft yet?

I cant do this. I have sorted out food and kitchen supplies...and now I am stuck.

I am almost sitting here crying I am so overwhelmed. I havent cried in months. My heart is pounding.

Why am I stupid enough to have agreed to this

<sorry for self centred rant...I'm panicking a bit>.

School blazers are in washing machine. They will come out before I go to bed so they will dry while I am away.

Underwear for centre parcs is in tumble drier.

Dtds have sorted most of their stuff. I just have to do mine and dd3s and just put it into the case....

I just have to do it...

I made it to level 3 and cooked a roast which considering how incredibly unwell I felt yesterday was almost a miracle.

Does anyone ever get the feeling of being totally detached from reality? Like your actually watching a film? at the most frightening times I have to look at my own hands to check their mine.

you absolutely can do this ed and do it you will - I have absolute faith in you. just break it all down into smaller tasks and do one at a time.

unfortunatelyanxious I have felt that way, divorced from all sensation. never felt hot, cold, hungry, thirsty. constantly and dispassionately observing yourself and, almost, wondering what you would do next...

horrible. I'm sorry if you feel that way now as, looking back, I'm still scared that I felt that way. I had no fear because I genuinely didn't care if I lived or died. hope that's not your situation atm.

ed there is a shop there, tho tis a tad expensive, and Penrith not far away I think?

With me, in a packing situation, I would suddenly get into gear and do it in one swoop (though cases not in loft!) very late, although have to say this risked burn out.

do you usually have problems starting to pack?

Right.

I have all of dcs clothes folded on my bed.

Im in the middle of doing mine but have a serious devoid wardrobe. ..

I have to face xps family tomorrow....I need to wear something uplifting (as in mood uplifting)...

Gah....

Can I leave it all dumped on my bed and sleep in dtds bed tonight????

Nope.....we are going to thetford so I hope penrith is miles away.

I am not normally this late...normally have everything started and laid out 3 days in advance. But atm everything in my life is last minute....I stay in bed until I risk being late...

Gah....
Onwards and upwards

I feel so stupid for leaving it this late

yes to leaving it on bed if you can

Was coming back on to say I find it best to lay everything out before packing, otherwise I find I'm constantly unpacking to check whether I packed my spare glasses/meds/toothbrush/socks etc

ed you can do this - so the kids stuff is sorted - that leaves not much left to do.....you can do it - but you must break it down into one job at a time - do one job, go away and do something else, or do 2 jobs but dont do it until you feel overwhelmed - just pick on job (like getting the cases) then all you have to do it dump stuff in them. do it just a little bit at a time.

it will be worth it - you will have a lovely time and a change is as good as a rest.

and so what if something doesnt get done? the worlds not gonna end if you forget something. it will be fine. you will get there and relax, so just do whatever you can manage when ever you can manage it - if it makes you feel better do a list - if that feels too overwhelming then dont....just jot down key words maybe that are the most important things, like undies, etc...

please dont stress. just one little job then stop. or do whatever makes you feel ok - i usually dump the open cases where ever is most convenient then just count piles of clothes and undies into them - then i just go around gathering stuff up as i see it, dump it in the lid and sort it later....just pick stuff up as you see it.

maybe just have a checklist for before you leave the house....

you can do it ed You will be fine.
and whats the worst that can happen eh?

helles yes thanks RI was in a much better frame of mind today - its not the kiddie lessons that bother her - but sometimes having an influx of children all trying to "help" at the yard is difficult - she does really well and she encourages the kids to get involved but it can feel like trying to push treacle uphill trying to control them all!

there was just me there today so peace reigned.... and for my lesson i rode a huge 16+ HH boy and was off the lunge. progress.!

im trying not to think about what happens when this all stops and i have to go back to bloody work....
i did get an acknowledgement from the NHS one i applied for though which is good.

ed yep - leave it on the bed and if there is another bed to sleep in do it!

Gah...I was going great guns....then my dm phoned...my suitcase is STILL in the loft...am I allowed to pack all the stuff in tesco bags for life?????

Trundles off to find ladder...

once you get those cases down it will be easy ed....

It will...but it is stuck in the loft hole and ive cricked my neck.

Getting frantic now

dont panic - thats the worse thing you could do!

is it stuck stuck, or does it just need a breather and a shove back up to reposition it?

walk away for 5 and grab a cuppa....

go back and shove it back in then have another go. If it wont budge then sod it - yep plaggy bags are fine! as long as you have what you need then so what....

or get someone to give you a hand tomorrow with the unruly case....

should take just minutes to shove stuff in in if its all ready to go.

Right...case packed badly...I should be in bed by midnight...

I am tempted to sort my kitchen/bins etc. To the morning but I know that will be a disaster waiting to happen... need to leave by 9am...genuinely scared...

hey. look - you are packed - what else is there to do really? what does it matter if something doesnt get done....

set alarm for 7am and do those things that are bothereing you - and the rest?
sod it.

and have a lovely time!!

Clothes are packed and in the car

Toiletries need to be done, oh and bras...I havent put any bras in...

I am stopping the clock at midnight....and will set alarm for 7:30.

(Next bit is my checklist....I dont tend to lose mn like I lose pieces of paper....)

Toiletries
Bras
Shoes
Waterproofs
Fridge stuff
Empty fridge
Keys to neighbour

Thanks for all your support tonight....all of you.

And sorry for taking over

you are more than capable of doing this - you have thought of stuff i wouldnt think of in a month of sundays!

have a lovely time. (and you didnt take over....you needed to panic online and that is afterall, why we are here!)

i will panic tomorrow when i need to phone doctor......

please go and have a wonderful time. x

I am in bed.

I shall be in bed until 7.30am.

I shall be dressed at level 3 with bonus by 8:15.

I have piles of stuff scattered around the house...

I think I sm so stressed because my friend is an ocd control freak. Which is all very well except my (7 seat) car is full of food for 7 for a week...kitchenware 'because then we know we've got what we need'. Tbh I would have been happy to throw a few clothes in a suitcase...some snacks in the car and worry about yhe rest when we get there...but this feels like a military operation...down to what noard games and dvds ive had to pack.

Oh and between now and the military operation to ensure we co-ordinate arrival I have the uncomfortable experience of meetinv with SIL and MIL since I kicked their angelic son and brother out...

Now...who's looking after my valium?

Thanks for listening. I hope to check in over the next few days but that depends how strong my internet connection is....

Night...

Oh and the rain us turning to sleet to snow....joy...

have a Brill time ed

what mil and sil think doesn't matter - they have to behave appropriately in front of the kids

I realky dont want to go.

Was awake till nearly 2am.

Then slept badly.

I have a 2hr drive...traffic sounds if itsmoving outside so I dont think it snowed.

ILs will be ok....its just the anticipation thats driving my anxiety.

I have no choice....I have to lever myself out of bed. I have to for my dcs. But I really dont want to. I genuinely dont want to. This is stupid.

You can do it ed, have a great time

I am on the road....well noy literally...im not mnetting whilst driving....im in my car tho...

Yay! have a good time, I usually feel better once I set off and I hope you do too

yawn level 2 here.

well done ed!

i was shattered and slept well but only for 5 hours. was awake at 5.15am. Really had thoughts of going back to bed, and i put leggings on just in case i managed to sneak back for a few more zzzzz at 8 after i took DD to bus stop but the builders were here bright and early at 8am with a digger....so no chance.

so im on level 2ish (leggings that i would have slept in!) and a baggy old top, but i have done hair and stuck a bit of make up on just so i dont scare the builders.....

hope everyone else has a good day. i am putting off phoning doctors....i think she works weds too so i will phone and get it back dated then....<feels too hard to do today>

I really hope Ed does feel ok on holiday, as I was worried about all the preparation and stuff, but maybe it's best to arrive than travel!

Welcome Kalheesi can you tell us (or me!) a bit more about your circumstances and mental health issues. There are a lot of people on the threadnow and it is really good, but it does mean that for some of us with ancient brain cells we can't remember who said what, or how many kids they have etc. so a bit more info might help.

Hi snowymouse how are you feeling today. YOu mentioned watching some TV - does that distract you. I know this sounds a bit daft but I do colouring to distract me - I get adult colouring books from Amazon and some really nice felts, and once I've started I have to finish so that continues to distract me. What is your concentration like? Can you concentrate to read?

Thus far headmonster is asleep today but he has new tricks to play all the time. (Kalheesi ) this is my metaphore for my intermittent depression. I have a monster in my head!

I like the levels but they don't really tell us how we are all feeling, because they are just about clothing, but i suppose still being in PJs late in day means yo can't be bothered to dress, but Level 2 (dressed) might mean that you are still feeling crap. Anyway I'm on level 2 and ok so far.

Glad you had a better day at the stables Vicar and you can get signed off again. Sorry can;t remember what others have said.

I am still herr you know (on mn at least).

Can I go to bed yet?

Afternoon all! I was just reading back through the thread and noting all of the new names. Hi to Unfortunately, Gobblers, SnowyMouse, Khalessi, Mechanical Theatre, Shakin, Maggie and any lurkers. Vicar, did you ever realise what a useful and supportive thread this would be for so many?

I am at level 3 but I have to be most days for school runs etc so I feel that I am almost cheating though. I should maybe start to put a bit more effort into things for my levels.

This week I need to catch up on loads of little things that I have been putting off for months and for no real reason apart from the fact that I feel like I am not motivated to do things. Like obtaining an academic transcript (I was entertaining doing a graduate degree to swap fields but I am letting myself procrastinate), doing exercise (I am accumulating a perturbing deposit of fat which is not good), keeping on top of the house cleaning (I am now SAHM so there are no real reasons apart from the fact that I am not doing it). I simply don't feel inspired to do things anymore.

I probably need to call the dr's. My chest infection has returned but I tend to put it off with the reason of I am not sure if I am sick enough to justify seeing a dr. Friday and Sat were wipe-outs (Friday was officially a snow day here with schools and everything closed; I love a good snowstorm) and yesterday was a struggle but I feel a bit better today.

Ed remember to take some time out for yourself while you are away. Do something fun or relaxing for you. That was a phenomenal amount of prep work you put in, so do find some time to kick up your heels and sit back and enjoy the scenery.
Vicar glad the stables were good. Phone the dr's! Then it will not be occupying your thoughts.
Nana hope your grandson is doing well, and good to hear that HM is napping

Wave to HellesBelles, BAssetfeet, TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat

No, Ed! Have you arrived safely?

Lol! Queinh at check in...

Have fun and just enjoy the present moment. Everything else got left at home.

I have struck one thing off my list and called my grandmother which is always lovely.

<waves> to all

mama im really glad its a useful thread, the more the merrier! now ive gone over a page and i cant remember who is who or who said what either so i will just do a big communal wave to everyone!

ed you might have to have a lie down after the driving!

<waves> to all

mama im really glad its a useful thread, the more the merrier! now ive gone over a page and i cant remember who is who or who said what either so i will just do a big communal wave to everyone!

ed you might have to have a lie down after the driving!

oh - so good i posted twice! sorry guys - no idea what happened there but you arent seeing double....

im phoning doc tomorrow - she gave me permission last week when she said just phone and we can back date it if need be....too much happening today with builders and im tired so ill make a concerted effort tomorrow....
promise.

I'm not a big fan of tv, but the CRHT suggested it. I prefer listening to audio. I hope your headmonster stays asleep NanaNina.

Good luck with all of your tasks, mamakoula

Enjoy it ed!

Good luck with the doc, Vicar

havent been on for a few days, not had a good weekend, am sitting waiting in gp's waiting room, a bit nervous.

Sorry to hear that Stevie. I had been wondering as you were not on the thread for a few days.

I hope the GP appointment is helpful.

How are the DD's doing? I remember one had stomach problems and the other a nasty chest infection. Are they young?

Good luck with you appointment Stevie and you vicar it's hard work laying bare how you feel.

Ed well done I haven't dared drive at all for a few weeks.

I am on sick leave and apart from going to Doctors and a day centre and a couple of friends have popped in for tea I am not doing anything social. My very dear friend wants me to help her pick a wedding dress in a couple of weeks. I suppose I'm asking what are you allowed to do when signed off sick?

in theory, whatever you like as anything you do other than sleep could be seen as a healing activity. in practice, work are likely to be snippy if you are out raving, going on loads of day trips or holidays. when off I initially slept all day, then did pottering (bit if gardening, etc) and graduated to a few hours a day in the gym and pool (which was advised by the gp). work knew but I was discreet nevertheless as I knew there would be people, with no understanding, who would whinge about it and try to cause trouble.

that's what I see now when colleagues are off with anxiety/depression. the ones facebooking about going away for the weekend or out with mates are the ones that annoy everyone (including the boss!) while those not posting on facebook could be doing the same but no-one minds.

i think at the start of my being signed off i did very little but we still have to live, i go to the stables at weekends and walk the dog daily - but i have also not been on FB since november when i was signed off. i do very little but what i do do is therapeutic and helpful.

Hey how good is this thread? . So many of us sisters in arms [and any brothers for that matter . This hell knows no gender ] Hi from me to you all .
Ed so hope that this break will give you good fun and allow yourself to disengage when you need to . Distraction while away with others can be useful as long as one of the group know you well and encourage you to nap when you need to .

Vicar I love your updates re your riding lessons . It proves to me that you so have not lost your zest for life or motivation to make the most of it . You sound so at home there . Going to say here and may be so wrong so forgive me ...but the meds are working in the sense they are giving you calm to evaluate what has happened to you . Also time away from work to rest and nap and ponder what you do next .
Personally I believe the workload and crap you have to deal with is making you ill Vicar . Not you .

Shakin empathise with being nervous at docs . How are you feeling now ?

Unfortunately re sick note . I was told to always make sure I went out to stop agrophobia which was a huge issue with me . So yes although on the sick I went out each day . Outside was hell always as home is so comforting . My manager encouraged me to keep in touch with work and call in at lunchtimes to chat . Got me used to getting the old routine of getting there and engaging . Quaked in my shoes but it was helpful.

Waves to all

just want to send post to Nina .....
So hope the headmonster is leaving you in peace.
re knitting ..........it soothes. Was very interested that you knit for charities .
I make blankets for the dog and cat home .
Repetitive hand creative work is so good for us isnt it ? Gets the brain waves in calm mode for me .
You mentioned to day you baked walnut cake Nina for a birthday .
The headmonster tries to destroy you .but it doesnt take away your love and kindness for others. No way . And it wont get its way with you either .
Got book on crochet now and would like to do stuff for mumsnet woolly hugs .
So not there yet . Fog brain

basset - i was also told to get out daily to avoid becoming a hermit who then was scared to leave the house too - was told this by my GP.

and i believe you are right about the job - i just want to make sure and not shoot myself in the foot but i think in my heart that its the problem for me - that said occupational health talked about my "emotional tank" being full and it being a culmination but i have coped with everything before the job....maybe it was just one more thing but the fact is its the only thing i can actually change - i cant change my past, i cant change my sons disability, i cant change the fact my kids needs me, but i can change the fact that im always tired and stressed and anxious. i can change that. i wasnt like that before the job, or if i was - i still managed to hold it all together.

i think im going to ask about going part time while i search avidly for something else. Ive had an acknowledgement about the NHS job i applied for but had a 'thanks but not thanks' for the local one i applied for....

hi to nana and stevie i hope your appt went well - i was too chicken to phone up today.
procrastination is my middle name at the minute.

hi to everyone else. x

Unfortunately I asked the crisis team to leave my house today. On reflection this wasn't wise.

Good night all.

Snowy
can you talk to us here lovely ? why do you think this ............talk to us .
no judgement or any thing that might hurt ok ?
Hold on .

hi snowy - maybe you could give them a call back if you feel you need to speak to them?

or is it something else thats bothering you? Do you see the same person each time?

dont suffer in silence.

I'm ok bassett thanks. I'll have to wait til tomorrow to see if there are consequences it's very hard for me to let strangers into my house, but that doesn't mean I was right to ask them to go.

Thanks vicar for your input too. I'm sure ill get some resolution tomorrow

I totally understand the instinct to tell a stranger to go from my safe place [my home] . The team will get why you feel as you do .they will Snowy.
no one will be judging you my love . you stay safe tonight ok ? sending good thoughts and support to you .

snowy - tomorrow is a new day - how about trying to tell them how incredibly hard you find it to have strangers in your home - i am absolutely sure you are not the first and will not be the last, they will understand.

for tonight push it from your mind and try not to worry - im sure they will not be giving it headspace. x

The trying to sort out what is the job /life conundrum is beyond baffling for us struggling Vicar I think . Somehow we arrived in this bloody awful place and wonder why we feel so awful juggling our lives .
I always ranted what came first .The egg or the chicken? Both family and work place stress on us . It is the balance of juggling this that can make us ill. It takes a long time to tip us so sad .

I truly understand the not shooting yourself in the foot feeling . No one here can advise you really re your work . So pleased that you are talking on pc forum and have others who have been in the job . They know .

Hopefully OCC Health will come up with a part time /graduated return to work
Give it a go ? But keep close to your inner soul and heart that if you hate it so much it is making you ill .......bugger that for a life !!!
not worth it for your sanity and family .
You have lots of skills now to give somewhere else and the training and experience you have is their loss and another workplace gain .
I am always dressed in the morning [stage two ? ] .......same old skirts with elastic waist denim . no makeup .......dont look in mirror . Got to change and find the motivation to diet and exercise .

waving to all

Hi everyone, gp appt went well, I am very fortunate to have a very good gp, he listened to me gave me citalopram and referred me to psychologist, I was very honest said I just wanted the panicky feelings to disappear, my confidence is very low just now because of it and I want to be good at my job, happy and not unconfident, am going to wait till dh comes home before I start the meds tho, as I remember the side effects the last time as being not very nice but he is home on Monday. I just worry that when I start the meds I am we'll enough to work.
DD's are on the mend thank you mama dd1 (8)was back to school today and dd2 (4)is coughing a lot less.

ua the last time I was off with anxiety and stress 7 years ago I did day to day things shopping etc, occasional meal out with dh but that was about it, the thing with this illness I suppose is we need to build our confidence up again socially so I would definately go with your friend but as vicar and hb says dont advertise the event on fb, we had a works thing the last time I was off too and lots of people were saying I should go but I didn't feel right doing that.

snowy hope you are ok, maybe ask them if you can meet at their base if you don't want them in your house, I am sure they would understand.

vicar I often feel if I left my job I would be a lot less stressed, but I really don't know what else I would do, when dh is away and I drop the girls off on my way to work I feel different, like I am free for the day then the work problems kick in. Btw am at your time at the stables, if I knew my allergies wouldn't be too bad I would be back like a shot, very therapeutic.

ed hope you are having a good time.

Good evening.

Sorry that everyone is having anxieties at the mo.

I am shattered. Absolutely shattered....but boy this bed is comfy...and the pillows...wow...dd3 is running a temp and headache...I might need to convince her to have a duvet day tomorrow with me (only joking)

Hello to everyone!

Bassetfeet thank you so much for your post and your kind words. They mean a lot when sometimes when the HM is on the rampage I just feel I'm no good /worthless etc. I know that's a symptom of depression but it till hurts that I feel like this. Knitting- yes very therapeutic, especially as have a niece who loves hand knitted clothes for her baby (just 4 months) and it's good that they're small so I can finish them! could never knit anything for a n adult.

snowymouse I'm sure (as others have said) that the CMHT know that you are anxious about letting people in your house. However as you say it wasn't the wisest thing to do, but you can always apologise tomorrow. Is there anything that would make their visits more bearable - how long do they stay - wondering if it would help to agree a times they will leave - I'd think 30 mins max. I had a lovely CPN and she used to stay a couple of hours, but the time flew by (she liked my home made scones too!)

Wondering how Edis!

Hope everyone is as ok as they can be. Sorry not able to reply to everyone, and I think we all understand that it's because we can't remember who said what. I "met" bassetfeet and snowymouse on other threads, so always remember them, and Vicar and Ed stick in my brain, and HB.

However sending masses of empathy to everyone

Comfy in bed thanks nana



Waves to everyone else....I need sleep....

Oh dead cannot sleep and have a full day of lectures tomorrow. Heart is racing.

Good morning all. They rang me at 22:30 last night to see if I was safe and said they are coming round today.

Shakin I'm glad your GP appointment went well. Glad you're comfy Ed
Thanks Nana that's a good idea. I hope you got some rest if not sleep MT

Level 2 here.

Glad you are ok Ed
MT I'm really sorry I haven't got your circumstances in my head but I will go back because there are several others I need to keep in my head. My friend suggested I keep a hand written file!! What course are yo doing - it sounds like you were extremely anxious last night. Trouble is when we can't sleep and know what we have to do next day, we get more anxious. Oh lord you posted at 02:31 - you must be shattered.

Hello snowymouse I honestly think the CT are concerned for your welfare and are doing their job, by checking up on you. It's nice to know that there is still good care in the NHS. Let us know how today's visit went.

I've been thinking Vicar - it probably would be best to go back to your job (I know I know!) but part time if possible. If you apply for jobs now, your reference from the police will almost certainly state that you resigned because of health problems, which is not going to look good, whereas if yo can stick it for a while longer when you feel up to it, you could apply for jobs and just resign in the the normal way. On the other hand you do sound soooo much better than when you first posted, and a big reason is because you no longer have the stress of the job, which pushed you over the edge, and that could happen again if you go back. I think you said somewhere that you could afford not to work - if that's the case I reckon that's the answer - not for always but until you really are back on your feet again, which you will be in the future.

I'm sure you have already thought of all this and I think you mentioned "walking on a tightrope" and this sums it up very neatly.

My HM was snooping his head around this morning, trying to decide whether to wake or not, but thank god he seems to have gone back to sleep. He's such a deceitful bugger though he can play all sorts of tricks!

I am going to see my DGD (almost 13) in her school play tonight. It's Bugsy Malone and she has a reasonably big part as one of the bad boys gang. I'm so proud of her, even for auditioning because she has always been shy about things like that, but is beginning to be more confident.

Hi to everyone else.

That sounds sound advice for vicar, NanaNina

My psychiatrist rang and said she wants to see me this week some time, and to increase my antipsychotic. I will try to see her. She is also putting pressure (her words) on re: going to the day hospital.

I hope the play is good, good luck to your DGD.

I think I'm going to make a level 2 (sleeping bag), whereby I'm dressed but curled up in my fleece sleeping bag on the sofa.

Fleece sleeping bag sounds great, snowy

Have had a duvet day today, I really needed one as getting teeth and libido return sorted has 'over-clocked' my nervous system. So have had a really good night's sleep followed by 2 deep day-time sleeps.

Use this if you need it nina <hands over loaded HM-tranquilliser gun>

oooo a slanket! i could use one of those.....

nana thank you - i think im trying to steel myself to that way of thinking anyway - but just not yet. just cant imagine going back, but i know its going to come eventually. im actually dreading it.

Good luck in sedating that HM....can you slip something in his tea? tranq gun might be quicker though...

enjoy the play tonight.

hi to snowy and silvery

i went back to bed this morning but builders still here (albeit outside) so snoozed rather than slept due to intermittent noise.

when i got up at 11 i did get dressed and sort hair and face though.

I'm glad you got the chance to have a duvet day, silvery

Well done on getting up at 11, vicar

Just checking in.

Ok day. Up about 8am. Dd3 had nightmare fever but settled with ibuprofen.

3hrs at the pool.

Lots of cooking.

Now sitting with my new tunisian crochet hook learning a new skill...

Struggling tho. Really struggling. The other adult is lovely but I don't know him well enough to know properly how to handle him....its making me very tense. Very unsure. Very anxious.

Ho hum...not sure if I want to be here...

hey ed - is there a private space you can take yourself off to when you need to?
it all sounds like its a bit much. enjoy what you can but dont be afraid to just excuse yourself either and go to your room.

i am really trying to think about what i need from work - i think im going to ask to drop a night shift and start slightly later on the early shifts - ill try that for a start and see what goes.

i must call doctor tomorrow - i tried today but they have a new system and phone appointments are limited. need to get up early tomorrow - i have been up really early every day but today i just needed to go back to bed - that said 11 is good for me as normally if i do go back to bed i struggle to get up at all....

anyway - goodnight everyone x

Ed don't be scared to have a 'strategic headache' that needs rest in a darkened room...

Can I join? just reading through to catch up - hope you get your appointment todayvicar

That sounds a packed day, Ed. I hope you managed to get some space. I hope you get through to make the appointment, vicar.

Good morning all, level 2 (sleeping bag), I've got builders coming today hopefully.

Good morning.

I have a thumping headache.

Dd3 has a hacking cough.

Had a bad experience in the night (the way the curtains are formed a ghostly shadow which looked just like tge ghost of dd3 hovering over her body....just like you see in the death scenes in films. With her being poorly it really freaked me.

My whole body aches.

I want to be at home in bed...actually i like this bed but cant stay here all night....

Sorry theres no personals...im jyst using this as a bit of a venting space at the mo.

Waves to all.

Oh Ed I was worried about this holiday as it all sounded a lot to do given your emotional equilibrium is fragile (same for all of us I think) The dream sounds horrid but you must try to put it out of your mind. Where are you in the "programme" now - wondering how long it will be before you are home. Your friend must know you are a bit wobbly, can't you just tell you need some rest and stay in bed for a while, or does that mean she has to look after your 6yr old (think that's the right age).

SPC thanks for loaded HM traquilliser gun! He's asleep today - oh the relief!

Snowymouse how are YOU - you are very good at responding to others posts but don't say how you are! The fleecy sleeping bag sounds good. You don't have kids do you, as you never mention any. If that's the case you can be really self indulgent. Have the CT been yet - if so how did it go. If they are coming later, let us know how you got on. I know they are worried about your psychosis but you certainly don't sound out of touch with reality on here quite the reverse.

Welcome Pixwik can you tell us a bit more about yourself, so you lodge in my aged brain cells. Mind I asked someone else to do this the other day and I think I scared her off......it's only cus it's a big thread and it's hard to remember everyone.

No, no DC, just DNs (of both varieties). Either CT or my CPN have visited me each day. I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist on Friday, she wants to increase my meds dose and wants me to think about going to the day hospital

Maybe you could ask psych what she think the advantages are of going to day hospital. Presumably they want you to be less isolated and that might not be a bad thing. Could you negotiate going for just a couple of days a week if she is insistent. Remember that day hospital is an alternative to inpatient that you really don't want.

I really can't face the day hospital, too much pressure, I'm sure I'll get to discuss on Friday though...

The builders only did measuring today, feels a bit of a wasted day!

Just a quickie while ibhave wi fi.

Up and down day.

Dd3 is being difficult.

I just feel that I have 3 of the children here I should bare more of the burden.

She knows I feeling ill tho.

I just feel so fragile and shaky tho.

I thought it would do me good to get away but I jist feel so much pressure to put on a 'brave face'. I just feel thaf I can't be me....that I have to perform...but performing is so hard at the mo. I know I dont HAVE to...but that doesn't stop me from feeling like I have to. I just wasnt expecting these emotions ...I thinkbits just telling me how ill I am. I dont thhink it is the being away....I think it is the social needs of me being away if that makes sense.

And brownie points to nana for rembering dd3s age.

Waves...hugs...hand holding as appropriate to everyone else.

Oh ans I almost cried when I just looked at the time....feels like 10pm....

Big hugs Ed, sorry it's so tough for you right now

I dont think it would have been so bad if I had moderated my expectations (mental health wise). It just seems so much worse because I hadn't anticipated how hard it was going to be.

I think you're right, and it's not something you want to be dealing with either

Can you fit in even a short nap, or is that a no go on holiday?

oh ed im so sorry - can you do anything that makes you feel any better? if that really isnt happening then you will be home again soon. huge hugs (i just typed huge jugs if that helps raise a smile....)

welcome pix and a hug to everyone else too.

im so tired but while the buidlers have been here ive been up at 8am latest and awake from much earlier.

im struggling a bit as im tired and worrying about work again. Doctor has signed me off again thank god but ive got to go back at some point and to say i am dreading that is an understatement - and i will have to deal with all the pissed off colleagues and questions and i just dont want to.

hey ho.

glad HM is tranqed nana....slip something into his tea....

hope you are ok snowy

and im sorry i dont name check all - my brain really is puddled - i forgot to switch the slow cooker on today.

I hope your building's going ok vicar, mine only did measuring today. Hopefully the apprehension is worse than the reality

I'm past the worst of the evening, taking my antipsychotic makes my head fuzzy, which I think is why they want me to take some in the morning too.

building is going well and forcing me up on a morning so i guess thats a good thing - plus the dog cant go out in the garden so im having to get out and walk her loads - probably also doing me good.

i think the sertraline must be having some effect as when things began to go wrong with the building (as they always do) i didnt lose it - i coped - i almost shrugged it off so to me, this is progress. normally i would have completely gone apeshit and turned a drama into a crisis...not so this time so i feel quite balanced.

my only problem is facing the prospect of going back to work - though i fully intend to explore the possibility of going part time and also starting later on earlies - i never sleep properly knowing im up at 5 but bizarrely just an hour more and i am able to sleep, so my plan is to ask to drop one night shift and to ask to go in 1 hour later on earlies and see how that goes. That would mean that although i would still be working shifts and on the same job, i would work 5 on and then get 5 off, and i would maybe sleep better before earlies.

its a plan.
if it doesnt work or doesnt make me feel any better then i know i need to find something else. im still looking and still applying because having a plan B makes me feel better.

i think i have another month off anyway. i feel unprepared for going back. i feel like an imposter in a job i shouldnt be doing. hopefully going back on my terms will help me decide once and for all what i feel about it.

I have new false lower teeth - because I'll be able to eat properly again soon, because they are hurting atm and I seem to have throat infection. Tbh I have been doing a great deal of sleeping over the last 2 days, but I have really needed it.

Ed at least you went on the holiday, can you not explaing a bit to your friend?

Thanks for saying hi! Just to introduce myself as Nananina suggested.

This is a huge precis btw, but have a long history of depression with occasional psychosis when really unwell (really REALLY unwell) last in hospital 6 years ago, have been without support/meds for some time. Have also had anorexia, but that was years ago.

I can go for years and be fine, then end up having ECT in hospital after a quick downwards spiral.

6 years ago, I left hospital with support from Mh team - MH team very supportive and went out of their way to help me - then 2 years later ex-dh met someone else and left.

I didn't go under miraculously -I managed Ok - then came off my anti-depressants about 2 and a half years ago - although I really had to gradually reduce them (venlafaxine). I left MH team. I gradually got back to work, and I am generally a happy camper.

Before Christmas I was noticing low scrubby patches, but hey - am a working single parent with two kids and the stress of Christmas - put it one one side.

After Christmas, I noticed the low patches were extending - the absolute feeling of dread in the morning when the alarm went off, feeling like I have a brick sitting on me, wanting to disappear, loss of appetite, the thoughts of worthlessness etc - this triggered alarm bells and echoes from previous depression. I though it might be work - but hey! I had two weeks of annual leave coming up.

Nope - the feeling of dread was worse - I am so so tired! Not sleeping well, appetite going, but wanting to sleep all the time, everything is such hard work, stuff I wouldn't even think about normally, a variation in how low I feel in the morning, to feeling slightly better in the evening - and don't get me started on the self destructive thoughts - am trying not to give em house-room. I know I am depressed, but not at rock-bottom yet - but I know it can escalate very quickly.

About a week ago, I finally copped on, gave in and phoned the SPA (single point of access) for mental health - I won't go into it, cos that is a whole different experience and thread - I've always had positive experiences of mental health services generally, but in the end , I gave up, and have an appointment tomorrow with my GP to discuss things, talk about my prev. mental health, and prescribe me meds - all in 10 mins. I know I need meds - have been here before several times.

I've spoken to my manager, and let her know what's happening, and she is v. supportive - she asked me if I wanted time off. Work is always stressful, but I still have concentration, am doing a good job, and it brings me out of myself and gives me structure - at the moment, although we decided we would see how it went - she's a really good manager, and will go out of her way to support me...

So tomorrow, I have to see my doctor for meds- am struggling with thoughts of failure, which I'm working on - but there comes a point where you struggle struggle struggle, and it's like trying to run up an escalator that's going down - the more effort you expend in trying to get to the top/sort yourself, the more exhausted you get, and less able to carry on. And than you end up unceremoniously being carted to the bottom of the escalator, knackered, and trying to stop being chewed up by it. And erm well thats me really...

Oh - and did I say? Am so so tired! when am on a day off, and the kids are at school - I just sleep? It feels like there's nowt to get up for - am not sleeping well at night, but could sleep for England in the day. I struggle to get owt done - Go figure!

blimey pix - you have an amazing insight and i can relate to so much of your post there - i have no history but what you describe is exactly how i felt.

i phone the single point of access team last week to be told they dont have my referral yet.

so i wait. and wait. and wait.
i know i need CBT.
so far the sertaline is making me feel better i think - until i think about work and then i panic slightly and my heart starts going faster and i get palpitations.....but i need to deal with going back even if its to confirm i dont want to go back.

hang on in there and good luck with yoru doctor - mine has been brilliant. let us know how you get on.
x

re the sleep - have you read the thread before this one?

thats why i called it "we were all in the bed" - we all have that in common! you are not alone.

You seem very clued up pix Thanks for introducing yourself. Level 2 here, hope the builders come soon, they're working on my kitchen so that's out of use at the moment.

Well. I got 5 hours sleep - I had taken DD to bus stop, seen builders in and sneaked back to bed with a cuppa, but now there is a digger going outside my front door so I may as well get up and sorted. I'm so tired though. I need to get an early night - I can function on very little sleep for a few days but not for long and I'm missing being able to have a duvet morning when I need it. so in a min I will be level 3. So tired though...

Snap vicar, I'm averaging 4-5 hours at the moment. Too noisy for me to get a nap, they're knocking a wall out today. I hope you're not too exhausted.

I'm struggling having the builder in my home, not good.

Is it the noise snowy - when I'm not well I can't stand noise - or just having other people in the house?

Just having other people in the house

I thought it might be that from your other thread. Can you retreat to bed, or do they keep asking stuff? Or play music in another room? Or grit your teeth and think how proud of you your health care professionals will be for getting through this?

It's a small 2 bed flat, and they do keep commenting on things, including each time they want to 'spend a penny' (very odd).

I need to tell them I wont be in tomorrow...GP appointment and psych appointment.

Oh pix how horrendous for you with your psychiatric history. At least you recognised the signs eventually as the dreaded D word, although you tried to ignore them for a while. I had my first severe episode of depression in 1995 following the death of my closest friend - in hospital for 3 months - made complete recovery. However suffered 2nd major episode in 2010 and not made full rcovery this time - intermittent depression with no triggers or warning signs - just descends -I call it my Headmonster!

Let us know how you get on with GP and yes feeling a failure I believe is a symptom of depression, as is feeling worthless, ashamed and all the other crap that it makes us feel. We don't have these feelings when we are physicall il.

Snowymouse you are very brave to let the workmen in - how long will they be staying. Has CT been today?
Thank god my HM is asleep today.

Ed how are you????

They're coming back tomorrow, but I'll need to leave them my key as I'll be out seeing GP and psychatrist ,hoping for a reasonable outcome.
I'm glad your HM is dormant

How's everyone doing?

PS no sign of CT today

I'm dreading tomorrow a bit, hope it goes ok. How's everyone else doing?

Hope things go well for you tomorrow snowymouse - thread has gone a bit quiet hasn't it. Oh we have a new member don't we pixwic who has been through some very bad times (like most of us I suppose.

Am still wondering about Ed who has gone very quiet..........don't know whether this is a good sign or not.

Love to everyone!

My new dentures are ripping my gums to bits, which is a downer. Ibroprofen and sleep have been the order of the day.

snowy you got through the day, well done. Hope it all goes well tomorrow.

Creeps in.

Says night night.

Home tomorrow. Really pleased about that as I feel run ragged and overexerted.

I feel pleased with myself that I have now gone...erm...can't even be bothered to count...lots of days with out a daytime nap; but kind of feel that it hasn't been the break I wanted, expected or needed.

I have, possibly learnt quite a lot about myself, the way I am perceived, my faults, and how this illness is perceived/mis perceived by others.

Waves to everyone. Group hug to everyone. Night all.

Thanks for all the good wishes Sorry to hear your dentures are causing problems silvery Well done for getting yourself through it, ed

I think I've mentioned to you before Ed that you set yourself high goals and then crash..........would be very interested in your thoughts about yourself, the way you are perceived, fault and how this illness is perceived/misperceived by others, if you are willing to share. I am particularly interested in the last bit about how others perceive/misperceive depression.

Glad you are coming home today - am sure you will feel safer and more able to carry on your usual routine (as much as those of us suffering can have a routine)

Just re-read my post - and noticed I said "glad you are coming home rather than glad you are going home - think it says something about the closeness that exists on this thread where people can post exactly how they feel, knowing others will understand.

Not the most positive psychiatrist meeting ever. On the plus side, I wasn't sectioned. On the negative side, any more attempts and I will have to go in to hospital...this doesn't help with being open and honest about what's going on for me, as I can't cope with the idea of day hospital, let alone inpatient.

She's increased my antipsychotics, I didn't want to try a new antidepressant until I'm sure this one isn't working.

How's everyone else doing today? ed, hope you're not over exhausted.

Well I am home.

Home on the thread and home in my house.

I will try and catch up later...and I will summarise my self analysis for you nina.

Right nowbibam waiting for xp to collect dcs. I have a thimping headache and shoulders kill...and I was soooo sleepy driving home. More sleepy than I have ever been driving...it wasnt nice. Dcs were feeding me rowntrees to keep me awake.

So...right now...I am heading to bed. I will catch up with you all properly later.

I'm not in a good place, I thought that they wouldn't be concerned about my attempts, or I wouldn't have shared them. I wonder how they distinguish serious attempts from non-serious ones, it's confusing as I know a number of people who don't get hospitalised for attempts or even actual things such as taking overdoses (not something I would do).

hi everyone.

snowy sorry you are having a hard time right now - but i think it is the right thing to tell the CT everything - honesty my mean having to face things you dont want to face but i firmly believe its probably the best policy. Give the meds a chance and make sure you keep talking to them (and us if it helps)

ed glad you are home - update when you are ready.

im shattered. really really tired, i am desperate for the builders to go - they are all really nice but i cant go back to bed at all because they need water and power and cuppas - plus the noise means i cant sleep anyway if i do manage to go back to bed for a few mins.

im at the stables all weekend (while the builders arent here) and then i am helping out for a couple of days next week for the pony club days. By then the builders should be finished i hope.

GP signed me off for another 4 weeks, but its flying so fast. im so anxious about going back. Anyway - going to go and watch some TV with DH and try to get to bed early tonight and drink less wine.

i feel tired, and drawn. im trying to tell myself that if i have to go back to work i will get my horse as a reward. Im still waiting to hear about the NHS job. Im going to scan the jobs sites again on monday.

hope the rest of you are ok.....

Thanks vicar, I'll try, at least the weekend should mean less pressure. I hope that you can get some rest soon, you sound very busy. Enjoy the tv and the wine!

Glad you are home Ed

snowymouse I am assuming that you are talking about attempts to commit suicide. As vicar says it is essential that you are honest with the pysch and CT team. You have obviously been honest but are now maybe regretting being honest because they are saying any more attempts and you would have to go to hospital. I don't think you should be regretting it, as they can only help if you are honest.

I don't think it's quite as simple as deciding which attempts are serious and which non-serious. I'm only guessing but I think they would have to consider people on an individual basis in relation to their specific mental illness, the severity of it - the willingness (or otherwise) of engaging with the CT etc.

I know you hate all this snowymouse but the medics are trying to keep you safe and that is really important. I don't know how old you are, but I think of you as being quite young and you have a life ahead of you. I once read that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. OK you might not feel your illness is temporary (I often don't feel that mine is) but you aren't always going to feel this way.

Am I right in thinking the depression is worse than the psychosis. You say you don't want to change your ADs till you know whether the current ones are working. How long have you been on them - because as you know they take a week or so to kick in. Do they want to change your AD.

You are a very caring person snowymouse and always ask about others but you are important as well, and we want to know how things are going for you. My sense is that you don't say how bad things are for you and under estimate the affect this illness is having on your life. Sorry I don't want to put pressure on you because it seems you are a very private person, but we all have to be honest to each other on the thread and that's why it's so important to reach out to each other. I'm reaching out to you NOW!!!

Glad you got signed off for another 4 weeks Vicar but you are right, they do fly by. Hope the horses provide you with some fulfillment over the weekend.

I'm in my 30s, so I suppose that could be considered young-ish.
At the moment the depression is the problem more than the psychosis, you're right...I think it's harder that way around, because my mood being low means I don't try to fight the voices as hard. They might change the AD if I don't start to respond to it. I think this weekend may involve me getting my head around how serious it is now.

Thanks for reaching out, hugs.

Yes, today's events are hitting me, this is difficult. I think I'll go with taking the anti-psychotic early, as suggested as I can't increase the dose yet.

30s is deffo youngish [old gimmer emoticon]. It can take quite a while - years even - to learn how to manage a mh condition, and although meds are better these days than they were imho, there is still quite an element of trial and error in finding meds and strategies that help. I have no experience of voices, but imagine it must be very trying to say the least.

I take it back, they've brought out the increased meds for me to start tonight

I hope everyone's ok.

Does any ones depression link to them comfort eating? And them being overweight which starts the circle again.

I think I need to get some help am only young and obese and have suffered depression for years, but I have found recently the weight becoming a issue and setting off the depression.

I don't feel I can talk to anyone as I am surrounded by people who don't understand what depression is ( except when they break a nail and suddenly have it to).

Anywhere/anything that people have found useful?

I'm fuzzy headed now, perhaps a good thing for sleep!

snowy.

I would take it that they are doing their best to keep you at home.

vicar you may be exhausted but think of the positives....you have gone a weekish without daytime nap.

Is it me or is helles awol? Or is that because the bed has been empty this week and there has been no one to drag out? Waves to everyone else...nana silvery mama snowy and everyone else that hasn't posted recently or I have fogotten.

As predicted I have crashed. My suitcase is in middle of lounge floor. My swimminv kuts are still in kitchen. I am in bed resting and avoiding the mess and have been since 3.30. I am about to get up for something to eat tho...and to crochet a pigs trotter if my tremor will let me (don't ask).

I will summarise tomorrow...it helps me to review and process and move forward so I dontind posting nana. I am just far too flat and exhausted to put it together coherently now...oh and I don't thimk you'll cope with my dodgy typing.

Waves to all. Hugs to all. It feels to be back home on the bed yhread nana...its cozy under the shared dyvet

hi to jayne - i think there are obvious links between depression and eating issues - or in my case alcohol - i drink far too much.

i wish i could help - i just have a nagging voice in the back of my head that is getting louder - i now feel more uneasy, and im comforting myself with the fact that this is how i ended up stopping smoking....the voice got louder, and in the end i listened. i suppose it depends how deep rooted problems are - have you had counselling?

ed - yep youre right - where is helles?

im rubbish at keeping track of who is around. i hope everyone is ok - helles - come in helles....

i will need her next week when bed calls.

snowy - do listen to nana - she is an old hand with this lark and very wise....
waves to everyone else, if i name check everyone i am bound to forget someone....so hugs and love to all and hope you are all ok.

talking of bed i need to go now if DH has stopped snoring.....
nite all x

freaking out - going on retreat without anyone from my church (never happened before) and i'm paralysed with fear:
what if I'm late?
what if I'm early?
who will I sit with for meals?
I didn't read the programme til just now and don't have the right hymn book
I haven't pulled out a photo of myself that I don't like because only just now read the programme and don't print photos of myself
I'm getting furniture delivered while I'm away and the house is a mess
I have candle wax on my work trousers
who will I walk with?

sorry - Hi everyone - I started work on my dissertation a week or so ago so have been trying to avoid mumsnet.
I see new names - hello! sorry you have this horrid disease but glad you're here.
I will read back a bit next week and see how everyone is but can someone say something that will get me out from under the duvet please?

Good morning all

Could you do some CBT on your thoughts about the retreat? There will be others that have come by themselves, and I've found that christian (small c) behaviour is prevalent on retreats.

I am hugely tempted to go back to bed... It is the weekend after all.

snowy you can have a nap. helles up you get!

Feeling better as dentist trimmed denture yesterday...

I'm glad you're feeling better silvery I didnt go back to bed in the end.

Snowy sorry last few days have been tough for you, they just want to keep you safe.

Vicar I know what you mean about work, I felt marginally better so decided it would be a good idea to start to think about my work situation, big mistake I feel awful, really down. In theory we could survive without my wage but petrified of bad sickness record now.

Jayne I actually can't eat when I'm really depressed, think lose two stone in a month. I lost over half a stone in two weeks but can thankfully eat again, still not as much though. My sisters all comfort eat and then hate themselves s get in to a difficult headspace.

Ed glad your back safe after your long trip

sorry to have not replied by now. played s club and r Kelly til I danced my way out of bed. made it here late. but two others are on their own so have sat with them at meals and went to more organised events this year.

I've seen CT again, they want me to do the day hospital still. I foresee that occurring tomorrow too, I did explain about all the pressure involved in it. I am staying safe.

Are you at the retreat, HB?

Back to the drugged up feeling here, hope everyone's survived the day.

hi everyone - sorry not been around today.

helles i really need to do a retreat but possibly one that does meditation, i am quite jealous of you going on yours - enjoy it. You will be fine.

im absolutely shattered so going to bed in a min - been at stables all day and really done some hard labour today so am hurting and tired.

snowy do stay safe - sorry you feel drugged up but i hope you start to gell better soon.

Good morning all. I hope everyone slept well, I did a little better, hopefully the meds are helping.

Morning snowy, when I was on quetiapine last summer it certainly helped me sleep. Are you feeling any better?

jayne yy to comfort eating and depression cycle - if I can get exercising (next thing for me tackle) it improves my mood and does help shift some weight.

Rolls into thread.

I have crashed AND I forgot andmeds day before yesterday AND I am poorly ill (horrible sinusy chesty heady cold) AND I have dcs for 10 days straight. This is going to be a rocky ride...

I was in bed until 3pm yesterday...went shopping...whipped around the lounge (the only part of my house xp sees).

I then bribed dcs to.unpack suitcase and shopping .

Didn't settle till 2 am. Was awake and confused and disorientated at 4am....went back off. Been awake since 8ish..but still in bed.

While it is on my mind...here is my must do list for today...sod a could do or should do...

Transfer money
Dtds lunch money
Motivate 3 children to do homework.
Iron uniforms
Put dark washing in (need pe kits dry by tues).

Unenthusiastic wave to all.

That sounds like a testing few next days Ed

Good luck with the must do!

I always seem to be on the cusp of a testimg few dsys...no wonder I crash and burn.

Back in bed...hoping dcs will let me nap.

No jobs done.

Hello all......this will be short because the bloody HM woke this morning and I am feeling really flat and miserable. It is a lovely spring day again here, which somehow makes it worse. I ought to go for a walk but scared I will meet someone I know. No motivation to do anything else. The DP (R) has gone on his usual Sunday walk with the Ramblers - about 12 miles! Next week is half term so my son and dil will be off (both school teacher) and DGD and we usually do something together so hope the HM clears off back to sleep.

Ed good to hear from you, but as I've said before you do set yourself big goals and then crash as it has all been too much for you. YOu also seem to forget to take your meds on frequent occasions - oh god sorry I sound like I'm telling u off...........don't mean to just thinking of you being more realistic about what you can and can't do. Physical illness is also going to make you feel worse of course.

You're sounding a bit better Snowymouse

Ah well I must try to get out in this sun, or maybe just mooch around the garden which is relatively small but all muck after the winter.

nina get that tranq gun out - ready, aim, fire! I managed a walk today - twas an effort but worth it, sunny here too, hope the sun shivels HM.

Now I need a shower but am putting it off by MNetting

ed I keep thinking if only I could get up to date - a thought pattern which doesn't help. As Flylady says though 'you are not behind! jump in where you are.' After a day mostly in bed yesterday, I did spend 2 hours hoovering v late last night.

Oh no NanaNina, I'm sorry the HM is raising its ugly head I hope it goes away soon. Enjoy your shower silvery

I know what you mean nana

Thing is I often don't set these goals for myself. They are set for me by my life as a single parent.

I admit I dont help myself by leaving everything to the last minute...causing goals to mount.

Problem with my meds is that I dont have a morning routine to include them in. I don't hsve that first cup of tea etc. I forgot this time as we were travelling. Usually it is when I don't get out of bed in the morning....

I'm back! wonderful day yesterday - made a new friend.
A bit unsettled and weepy today (big fat lie - I was sobbing!) but still got a lot from it and feel rested.

Minsteracres do all sorts of different retreats vicar including individual retreats for prayer and contemplation. it doesn't hurt that the setting is beautiful

Oh ed I know the pain of missed medication. It's like having the side effects back. I think you're right to sleep through it while your daughter's are out.

I defo comfort-eat. If I'm tired or bored or lonely or - well, I don't need a reason! on the plus side, it used to be fags and booze I comforted myself with so my general health has improved!

A very wise woman said yesterday, "don't diet because you hate yourself, diet because you love yourself".

Previously, I've tried to remember a quote from friends, "it's just food, not love"

nina hope hm is dozing by now.

hello to all

oh and I was late - the world did not end

I was lent a hymn book

I walked loads - sometimes with a group, sometimes alone, it was fine - it was wonderful!

at meals I sat wherever I sat and had conversations with people I hadn't previously had a chance to get to know because of sitting with my friends.

all the things that worried me were nothing

That sounds great HB, I'm glad it went so well

Me again - mood slightly lifted. Had a cry on DP when he got back from walk. I have been doing "adult colouring" this afternoon - I get the books from Amazon and use really good quality felts. I know it sounds childish but it does distract me. Oh won't be buying from Amazon any more.

Where do you buy these HM tranquilliser guns SPC I've looked all over the internet and can't find any!

HB there you are u see - things went so much better for you, but I think with vulnerable folk like us the anxiety kicks in and makes everything worse. Glad you had a satisfying time. I am an atheist but I respect others' rights to their own beliefs.

Not looking forward to tomorrow as rarely have just 1 bad say. Hope you've had a nice "horsey" weekend Vicar and are feeling the benefit.

I'm glad you're lifted slightly NanaNina, and I hope the HM goes away soon.

a very quick one from me....im so so tired!

snowy - you sound a bit brighter - keep taking the meds.

nana - so sorry HM reared his ugly head again....take comfort in the fact he will go back to sleep...its when! i hope its soon for you.

silvery - i could so do with some duvet time - im getting shattered.

ed - its easy to forget the meds - i did yesterday. i remember when i start to shake really badly. Try and break the coming days down so it doesnt feel like such a huge block of time that you have the kids etc. Sounds like you maybe just over did it a bit with the holiday - just think in a few days you will be all back to normal, feeling well, kids back to school, time to unwind if you need it. hang on in there.

helles im so glad you enjoyed your retreat - i got loads of advice from izzy (of the relationships board fame!) about retreats - i just havent got off my butt and booked one.

im shattered and off to bed soon - i have spent another entire day at the stables - arrived at 11.30, helped with kiddie lessons, had my own lesson, then spent the afternoon mucking out. Left when the yard owner left at about 6.45pm.....

cant lie in tomorrow as builders back....should be finished by weds i hope , i really do need a bit of a relaxation day - tomorrow DD wants to go to shopping centre - so will need to get dressed etc...

tuesday is pony club day at stables and ive said ill go in and help out then i have hospital appt for follow up to my endoscopy

weds also pony club day so going in to help out.

thurs and fri i will have off. Sat and sun will be back to the stables....if i can and im not so knackered that i cant move.....going to the stables give me a sense of purpose and i get my ipod in and just wander off doing my thing around the ponies who all seem to rather like me (the feeling is mutual) we are all very friendly with each other - i get lots of horsey kisses and cuddles, even the bad tempered little pony seems to get on with me....which is nice. i feel very at peace there. im trying not to think about it coming to an end when i go back to work...i need to ask riding instructor if i can still go down on some of my days off....

anyway. enough of me and my waffle....

Waves to anyone ive forgotten name check....brain feels fuzzy and im so exhausted (but physically tired - which feels quite nice)

gnite all. x

Oooh I have passed Minsteracres - it looked lovely - this was way back when there was a YTS scheme there I think.

After a shower I felt reinvigorated - as always - and as always have made a resolution to have more showers. We shall see

Been thinking of you all over the weekend and so sorry some are having a rough time still .

Dont know if this will resonate with anyone and it isnt an excuse ...sometimes I just cant write . I feel stuck . The empathy is there but no words come as I sit at my ancient PC . Nothing of any value anyway and it sounds stilted . I love the written word and the closeness it can bring . IF i try to force it it seems unhelpful and trite .

Gorgeous sunshine today here . Like Nana I pottered around my garden which is a shambles . I so need to get out of this inertia and start moving . Just need a bomb up my butt [very large one butt I mean ].

Am lucky that I am not going through the acute stages that so many of you are dealing with . And with children to boot . Single parents . So hard . so hard .
I am lucky to be reasonably stable enough now after enduring the same as you all over the last decade and before . Life worries have triggered my latest setback so there is a sensible answer to this latest bout for me .

Hope I can support you and tell you that recovery and maybe some life adjustment and/or acceptance will make life kind again . Not that I know . bugger all actually .

sleep well ladies and hope you have deep sustaining rest with lovely dreams

hi basset im glad you are still here though - even when you cant write anything.

sometimes i feel the same - the sentiments are all there its just getting them across in words....

im so exhausted i really should get to bed....my dreams are just plain weird at the minute though. really really vivid but so odd!

Bath ,bed and nice book [or horse mag ] for you Vicar ........get hot water bottle or dog to cuddle if Dh is at work .

thank you for kind words
and yes to the weird dreams . our poor minds unscrambling while we sleep eh?
Some mornings I am more exhausted by the emotions and physical stuff I have done in dreamland than real life . Wtf is that about brain ??
Am off now myself with a very fluffy chick lit book with the borrowed dog to warm my feet . He is so very happy.
Night night all .

I've just done the last of the must dos....well I cheated and didnt iron school uniform...but it is supposedly non iron.

Well bedtime....must set my alarm....I will catch up with my thoughts....thats what im struggling to do at the moment....and I can't move forward until I can process those thoughts....which I can't do until I get some time on my own which won't be till Tuesday....

Night all...

How did everyone sleep? I hope everyone got some rest. Level 2 already here, the builders are back in today. I'm waiting to hear what the CT's plans are.

Well, I've done my assertiveness for today. On Friday the builders blocked up my shower by rinsing off their mop in it, asked them to sort it out as soon as they came in.

Slept rubbish.

Wasn't tired until 2am.

Woke several times and was awake just after 7am.

Out of bed at 9ish...dd3 has inset day so I'm npt on my own.
Done dd3s homework with her.
Bathed and nity grittied dd3.

Got to whizz round and tidy this place that looks like a whirlwind has blasted thru...and get a shower before 2pm. May have impromptu brownie leader meeting to accomodate later. ..

Mondays are my busy day...brownies etc.

Tomorrow will be a duvet day....

level 3 despite half term have already phoned Ikea to sort out my botched delivery (one of my parcels were swapped with someone else's) and embarrassed myself for nearly vomiting while the tooth mould was setting.

Sorry your sleep was so poor, ed Good luck with all of today's tasks.
I'm sure lots of people gag during dental treatment, I did when I had a root canal treatment. Congrats on level 3 though HB

I think the builder is taking a door frame out today, going to be noisy and dusty.

just popping in to say "hello" and hoping everyone is ok...very very tired again and forgot meds today...am desperate for a lie in and a quiet day.

Hi everyonr....im. desperate for a restful day too.

Im popping in to calm mysrlf down.

I went to bed earlyish. But now im awake. I used to wake regularly when first on the meds.

This is different.

I feel wierd. I feel 'wired'. I don't even know what it feels like to be on drugs. I've never done it. But I need a way to describe it.

I am wierdly jittery. I can't stop moving. Jittery...jerky...pointless....rolling around the bed...writhing....but not in pain...just like my body is bored and doesn't want to stay still. although that has calmed a bit now I'm focusing on my phone...its kind of just my legs now.

I feel nauseous...sicky nauseous...not just nauseous. ..does that even make sense?

My head hurts...at the back. Behind my left ear..in waves....strong intense waves.

I'm kind of scared. I dunno why. Somethings not right. I dunno why I am posting...just need something to do to focus my body and calm it down...I am soooo sleepy tho...but can't sleep...now 1 finger joint is throbbing....kind of with my pulse.

I'm scared. A bit. Im not in pain or anything (well head and finger keep hurting)...but i just feell wierd in a way i cant explain. Is it stress? Is it the meds? I know i am showing signs of heightened stress atm...conversational coherence etc..I'm at home alone with dcs. Now my eardrum has a pinpoint pain.

I just need to talk...sorry for rambling...going tk try and sleep now that I have had something to focus my mind on...soery again...

Ignore my middle of the night rant.

Im not sure what went on there.

I seem to recall some pretty horrid and vivid dreams mingled in too.

Needless to saying I vented in mt safe place. Feeling pretty shaky about it all this morning. Not sure what went on there

I'm sorry you had a bad night ed I hope you get some catch up rest.

Hi ed - night's like that ate awful. couple of thoughts: you have been struggling to maintain a schedule to take your ad's and overdue doses can mess up your brain chemistry.

also you'd had racing thoughts during the day which may have prevented you sleeping while the other things you experienced could have been extreme tiredness.

allow yourself a nap later and make sure you take your medication on time - even if you need to set yourself an alarm on your phone

Thanks helles and snowy.

I was just really freaked at the time. Never experienced anything like that. Even reading it back now I dont remember typing most of it. and i dont think i would have remebered it happening if i hadn't read it back. I just came here to distract myself from the awfulness of it. It did help tho because I think I went off pretty easily after.

After that I had an awful dream which was based 80% on the childhood abuse which hasn't 'bothered' me for years with characters substituted by those involved in more recent unrelated traumas. It just really freaked me out.

I have not had a restful night for the last few nights.

I feel awful this morning tho. My head cold is raging. I am pretty wheezy and chesty. I am feverish. My nose is blocked. My ears are blocked. My joints ache. my thighs hurt. My neck and shoulders hurt. My throat hurts. I am nauseous. I have taken a cocktail of meds tho including ads and I shall set an alarm on my phone. I like that idea.

Right now...in view of every thing I think I am justified at being at level -1 (in bed in my pjs).

The only thing I must do today is make an appointment to see tge head. ..

Oh and helles was it you that recommended a phone app to keep a mood diary. If so can you remind me what it was please?

Not me, I'm afraid - I recommended keep a mood diary and someone else mentioned an app they had come across...

No wonder you can't sleep and are having freaky-weird dreams - it sounds like you're quite ill. Make yourself a sofa bed so you can keep an eye on the girls, make yourself a large flask of warm (sugar-free) ribena and get some rest. Hope you feel better soon x

That sounds nasty Ed I hope it's just a 24 hour bug.

Hmmm school is looking after the girls. Bed is looking after me

I'm having a low day, ah well

Sorry to hear that, snowy. It is a beautiful sunny day here, though cold, and I need to get out in the garden and cut back the dead foliage. I've done some useful stuff - maintenance paperwork - this morning.

level 3, although tbh my level 3 is rather scruffy

ditto level 3 and somewhat overwhelmed by all I need to do. I have a bed frame to pack away as it was delivered with a mark and needs exchanging. I have 3 bookcases to build. and the everpresent housework. plus I'd like to see some friends this week, catch up on cub paperwork and work on the research for my dissertation. instead, I'm sitting eating a cheese roll...

HB could you live with the mark?

Minimal housework - maintain hygiene and that's it.

Build the bookcases (am v v impressed, I am hopeless at that sort of thing).

I guess Cub paperwork is maintenance paperwork - the kind that hangs over you but doesn't actually take long. So give that a 5 min go.

Allocate some blocks of 1/2 hour for research?

Well done on the paperwork silvery Good luck with the gardening. HB you could schdule in some 5-15 minute slots of enjoyable activity mixed with your tasks.

HM on the rampage big style and I feel utterly shite, flat,miserable and unmtivated. It has a new trick now - I wake up feeling OK and then after about 30 mins he starts his antics. Have had long loud cry and sometimes that makes me feel better but not today. It's worse cus the sun is shining. I am sooooo sick of this bloody depression.

Sorry Ed and SM as you are both struggling, but I can't really empathise with anyone today.

I'm so sorry NanaNina I hope everything picks up for you.

I hope my groceries come soon, delivery between 5-6. And yes, that is going to be today's high point.

it's a good high point snowy - there aren't many chores that you can pass on and still know it will get done.

1 bookcase up and full and loads of books to chuck

I tried cleaning off the mark - it's a grey line bang slap in the middle of a white headboard. I've tried cleaning it off but no joy am getting messed about by Argos. there is a huge plain red sticker on the packaging the headboard was in. tbh, I suspect that means someone had delegated it to seconds but it still got sent to me

I have had a couple of cuppa breaks and have emailed a friend and listened to some music as well as building stiff. I'll do one more bookcase tonight and leave filling it and doing the other one til morning now.

hope all who are having deep-depths days fond some peace x

That all sounds industrious, HB I feel as if I can't do anything right at the moment, hope it'll pass.

I feel that way every day snowy - is one of your parents a perfectionist too?

I think it's the depression, I haven't lived with my parents since the 90s.

I think my anxiety was partly caused my mum's perfectionism when I was a child and depression is my cave when the anxiety levels get too high. I never got anything right as a child. she still calls me lazy, selfish, a bad mother, etc. but only to my face...

well weirdly im having a rubbishy day today too - slept heavily but exhausted on waking. if forgot my meds yesterday for the first time ever....

builders knocked me out of bed

i walked dog and went to stables where i had a fairly miserable time and felt actually really weepy.
came home early and had my hospital appointment for the hernia - got to start another load of meds now and go back in 3 months....only then will they look at surgery.

and im meant to be back at stables tomorrow and todays experience made me feel upset and weepy and useless and i dont need to feel that - im not even being paid - its all voluntary - ive worked 4 full days this week there - for nothing - i expected a bit of tuition but im being used as a lackey this week and that became patently obvious today.

so i dont want to go tomorrow and yet i have said i would so feel i must, even though im going to fret and feel upset and anxious.

i just really need a day off. Builders are finishing off in morning, i need to go and collect DD from a sleepover early, then off to stables.

thursday i need to be up early again to take dd to a revision day (her school is 8 miles away) but i may go back to bed.
house is a tip, became to hard to keep tidy and clean while garden was being done.

garden looks fab. house looks shit. i feel shit.

sorry that everyone else feels a bit rubbish too, im going to download the gameshow pointless to watch and have a wine. (and a whine)

feeling flat and fed up. it was a lovely sunny day here today too, i was out in the fresh air and i should be feeling better than this.

I would offer a group hug but don't want ro make you all ill...

A virtual group hug is virus free, thanks for the idea ER

well im up for a hug - feeling shite tonight. tears dripping off my nose and ive no real idea why....i just feel sad and sorry for myself tonight.

snotty hug to all.

Here ..have a rocking around your shoulders hug from me to you all struggling tonight . >>hug>> . and .
EspeciallyEd ,Nina ,Snowy and Vicar

Exhaustion is such a trigger . Makes us so vulnerable when already fragile and weepy . You all have so much going on in your lives at the moment with builders and noise .....strain of being away from home and illness . Routine which is paramount for recovery completely upset . No wonder tearful and bad bad nights.

Today and tonight will pass ...been there and promise you that you will not always feel like this . Been there and still do it regularly .

Vicar you need a duvet day maybe ? Let the stables manage without you for a couple of days . YOU need to rest and recharge your batteries .
Cyber basset says so

I agree with basset

Phone the stables 'sick' if need be tomorrow. If its causing you stress it isn't worth it...if you arent getting anything out of it. Are you due to be there every day this week? If there is one thing I have learnt over tge last couple of weeks it is that I don't have the stamina for being fully functional 7 days a week. Don't be afraid to give yoursekf yime to rest physically and mentally.

I'm very tired (did nap this morning but not this afternoon). Despite that I don't feel like settling down yet....I just can't seem to shut off tonight.

Slept well once I got to sleep.

Level 3 + 3 bonuses (makeup, hair straightened & jewellery). Feel quite positive (mentally)

Feel like cack physically.. Chest rattly. Nose stuffy and feeling feverish (but temp 34.9 ) but got to go out. Hopefully not for too long

Level 1 at present but I have done loads:

Made complaint to argos about how long it's taken them to even talk to me about the damaged bed-frame they sent me

Washed up last night's dishes and this mornings.

Put washing on.

Folded drying up ready to go upstairs.

Rowed with mum ( that's the ow rather oh version - we're not an athletic family).

Spent time on religious instruction.

Yelled at persuaded my son to get showered (he's 12 so completely hydrophobic - except puddles, weirdly).

Still to do today:

Build last of three bookcases, sort books into them, declutter the study and make bread dough for pizza for tea. I will also go to the post office and buy milk.

Hope everyone is having a better day and that Vicar heeded advice and took today off

Level 2 here, my mother visited this morning, which was nice.

level 3, no bonuses. 2 more things ticked of on list and ready for cheese and biscuits

I'm going to go out this afternoon I think.

Having a very spaced out day.

Giggling at lots.

Out shopping.

Keep losing my friend.

Feel like ssitting down in the middle of the shop.

Very woo

Great to hear so many of us doing well, sorry that's not true atm for you vicar...

Hmm, feeling in a dip now. Thinking of you all.

There is a natural dip in the body in the early afternoon - the point at which 'natural' nap-takers have a siesta

Interesting, I didn't know that.

Problem is I would take a siesta at 10am and 2pm if I cpuld .

I have kind of had a good day but I know my head is very ill because I have been VERY childish and immature...it seems to be a bit of a copig mechanism for me.

Done nothing at home. Been out all day. But not had a nap either

Now I am about to cook pancakes for pudding.

Then im going to chill might finish crocheting my seal..might play on the wii...we'll see...