Mumsnet Talk

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared.

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Youre not a bad person. Youre not well. The thoughts are your brain misfiring a bit. The crisis team will be here and will keep you safe and help you get better and get your head sorted a bit. Keep posting here. I'm listening, and I care

Of course you're not a bad person, you are not very well and you have done exactly the right thing by seeking help like this. This shows strength, courage and insight. Inpatient treatment isn't pretty but hopefully it will only be til they get your meds sorted and your thoughts more manageable. Is there someone with you while you are waiting? Or someone you could get round? Stay strong

Is there any way you can get someone to come and sit with you?

Sorry.

My husband is here with me. He is very supportive which is great.

One of the signs is that it is snowing and my husband loves snow so it is a sign that today I should kill myself because he is happy because of the snow. And then the TV talked about pills just now which is a sign for me to take an overdose. I am so confused about how to kill myself, it is hard to know, and then I think maybe I should cut myself properly before they can admit me. But I am scared about doing it.

I sound crazy don't I? I am so scared. I am never like this. I don't know what has happened to my head. My psychologist was explaining things really rationally and I know that he is right, if someone was telling me the same things I would explain that it is irrational and explain they are trying to make sense of their thoughts. But I can't see to tell myself that. It is so confusing.

yep it is crazy, but its ok, because you know its crazy and youre getting help, because YOU are more than this spell and you can get better and will.

Sometimes seeing a professional can be really helpful. Sometimes it can be really triggering

Hi fluffy, I had several manic episodes in my life and you must remember that what is happening is your brain is overworking and making links that don't actually exist.

So you think you are being given signs. But these are it real, it's just that the filter on your brain has forgotten how to discard the unimportant things.

Well done for getting help. You will feel better and realise that you definately do not want to hurt yourself.

You wil be ok soon.

Xxx

Thank you. I don't think I am manic but just mixed up, I don't feel faster or powerful anything, just very confused.

I have depression, BPD and OCD I think I just can't process everything with all of them mixing me up. My psychologist and CPN are normally very helpful. I was suppose to start low dose quietiapine last week but I thought it was a sign that I didn't want to take it. Even though I don't want to feel like this.

But if I know that how can I believe the signs? Ack.

I am so embarrassed to be like this.

Sit tight, help is coming. And don't be embarrassed, this isn't your fault and you will get through it. They'll sort the meds. But just take it slowly - glad you're not on your own. I know it's horrid but you've done nothing wrong and you will get better.

Oh don't be embarrassed.

I remember the very best advice my mum gave me was when having to leave hospital and return home. I came from a pretty small place where I had run around naked (now thats embarrassing!) got arrested, tried to do all sorts of funny things, and I have an unusual name so everyone knew it was me.

She said if anyone is mean about it they are ignorant and not worth worrying about, your true friends won't care.

Had how right she was.

Tbh everyone's a bit bonkers anyway!

Big hugs fluffy

Saw this and wanted to say I am also thinking of you. Try and remember the signs aren't real you think they are signs because you are poorly but the signs are not real. Please tell the crisis team the absolute truth and they will help you to get better. Don't be scared about getting help it will be better than whats going on now, you have support at home and on here. Good luck x

Thank you. It is so hard to know what to do, what if the signs are in the hospital and I have to kill myself there? Finding it very confusing.

I feel so frustrated with myself. I am such a failure. I can't work, I am a drain on my friends and family, just a huge waste of space and now I am not listening to the signs which is another way I am a failure. I am scared of being punished for not following the signs.

So confusing.

They will be able to help you with that in hospital.

But you are alone sometimes in hospital, I have SI-ed a lot in hospital in the past. I am so confused. What if I have read the signs wrong and I shouldn't have told someone. What if the crisis team don't believe me?

I am rambling.

As you said earlier, it's the mh issues you have that are mixing everything up, you need to keep telling people what is going on for you and they will help - they can support you by being with you constantly in hospital if need be.

I have been very scared and very irrational. Scaredness is very rational when you are in such a scary situation. You are so wise to be reaching out for help, you are enduring despite great pain.

I know what it is to feel a failure and a waste of space. Your integrity shines through, you are being as open as you can be to people who want to help. I hope you get the help and support you need and continue to find every scrap of your own inner strength and wisdom xxxx

They will believe you but be completely honest - of course you're confused, your mind is a bit of a jumble and needs some medication and some peace. Have faith, it will calm down, it's frightening not being able to trust your mind but have belief that it will get better. And in hospital if your head tells you to hurt yourself find a nurse, have more faith in them than the signs, ok?

In hospital sometimes they are supportive, but sometimes they tell me off They say it is my responsibility because i have so much insight.

I know what the right thing is but it is hard. And of course other people don't see the signs like I see them because they are just for me not for them. Only I can know what God wants me to do because it is my destiny but I am so scared.

Thank you for your support. I am watching TV and internetting to try to distract myself until they get here and DH is sitting on the other sofa near by. I have had some cigs as well which sometimes help but don't tonight everything feels so jumbled up.

You can do it, people will help you to...hugs

Hello, might you or DP need to pack a bag? And if you think you might want to smoke in hosp, put in all the fags you can find.

I went in in similar circumstances last July after a year of sleeping v v badly. OH (who I had just divorced! but not moved out at that time) suggested GP visit, I agreed, GP suggested Crisis Team, I agreed. Crisis team suggested voluntary admission, and Ex and DD took me in.

But he forgot to pack a toothbrush, toothpaste or nightie for me...

I was in for 6 days, meds got me down quick, then went onto quetiapine which really helped me sleep.

It will be alright.

i answered on the sertraline thread but you are doing really really well fluffy in that you have recognised that you need extra help right now - and you went and found it. Thats brilliant.

hang on in there - tell the crisis team exactly what you have said on here.

You need a bit extra right now - and they can give it.

let us know how you get on fluffy
x

I know what to pack etc but won't do it unless I have to.

I was in for three months April-June and then six weeks August-September so I know what to expect but I didn't feel like this. My management plan says that short (a few days) admissions are not appropriate for me which is scary as well. Uggh.

They are late which of course is a sign.

You can do it fluffy, I hope they're not too much longer!

Still no sign and now DH is cross with me

Oh fluffy you're having such a hard time. Hope the Crisis team arrive soon and help you.

Remember, there is nothing out there which will punish you, it's just your neurons misfiring.

Are you sure he's cross with you and not the situation?

My GP visited me in the morning, rang Crisis Team who specified 'that afternoon' - not a time, just a time period. And they did turn up late that afternoon, and twas that evening I went in. It can be v tricky for CT to give exact times, the stuff to deal with is constantly changing, however I am sure you are one of their top priorities.

They rang and should be here soon.

I am known to the crisis team (they are on my CPA) but it is still scary I have had home treatment in March and July, prior to my previous admissions.

My husband is upset with everything, I am such a failure.

I have cut my leg, when they rang and said it wouldn't be 8 I knew it was a sign. I have not told my husband just patched it up and come back to watch TV. I might need stitches but I can't face anything tonight and they can;t stitch that bit of my leg because there are too many scars.

I am so confused.

fluffy please tell your H This is not a burden to bear alone, and you aren't well... [hug]

also please tell the crisis team when they arrive - i hope they have by now.

your wound will need treating.

Fluffy I hope you are getting help. Please don't hurt yourself.

I've been there. I've been well and stable for almost 5 years now. It is possible.

Hope you are getting some help now, Wishing you all the best hope they help you. You are worth so much to your family

Hope you are getting some help now, Wishing you all the best hope they help you. You are worth so much to your family

I hope you're getting help now fluffy. Big hugs to you xxx

Thank you for your kind words.

I am goinh to a&e and then into the.psych admissions unit. I am going.in informally.

I.am worried I will have.signs in the hospital but if.it is eant to be it will be ok.

fluffy the signs are just telling you that you are ill and in need of more specialised help - it will be ok. but please do tell them when you get to hospital that you are seeing these signs and what they mean to you. and get your leg looked at sweetheart.

much love.

Thinking of you x

I have stitches in my leg. In the hospitsl now, explained about the signs. Doctor said I am not psychotic but it.is my ocd going into overdrivemaking me see the signs which she says aren't reslly there. Very confused and tired.
Thanks for your support xx

goodnight fluffy, hope you can get some rest.

Just seen this in active convos.
I really hope you get the help that you need.
Sleep well if you can.

Glad you posted again fluffy. You're doing amazingly well, like hearts said she did it and you can to, just take each hour as it comes, try to stop thinking about what will happen and focus on what is happening, You're safe and being cared for right now. I Hope you have a better day

Thinking of you fluffy

Thanks ice

Fluffy I hope today things are looking brighter.

Hi, I an on my phone so rubbush typing!

Got some sleep. Keep seeing signs even in my dreams, feel so confused about what God wants me to do. Tried to kill myself last night but they found me. Today has been quieter, read my book and slept a bit. Nobody has talked to me but the nurse said she would later. Just so muddled.

Going to have a sandeich and read my magazine now, don't understand how ocd can be like this.

you are in the best possible place just now fluffy - hope you start to feel better soon.

Fluffy, I know it's hard, but ignore the signs if you can. What God really wants is for you to get better and stay with your family. The other stuff you are hearing inside your head is your illness.

When you are feeling better and your head is clearer, I am sure the doctors will be able to explain where the signs came from, whether it is your OCD, your BP (like me), and so on.

How was the sandwich?

{hugs}

Im not hearing voices. Just sering things that are a sign for me, like songs on the radio our certain numbers or colours. Hard to explain.
I'm interpreting things that are there as having a special meaning for me from God.

Sandwich was ok!

thinking of you FDG. I hope youre ok. Came on to check how you were x

Thank you. Just had a big chat with the nurse so although it hadn't changed things I am glad I shared it.

fluffy I have experienced similar, though my 'signs' usually portended something good, they were never a signal for harm in any form. I didn't know whether to believe them or not, so I just looked for the good message to be on the safe side. Meds got things feeling much less confused.

After a few days I was allowed into the big garden in the middle of the hospital. There I saw the most magnificent rainbow, which to all people everywhere means something positive. I knew it was a glorious coincidence, it was none the less lovely and uplifting for knowing that.

peace to you

I'm glad you got someone to talk to fluffy

very interesting these signs. I get them as well, but they are reminders. No bad, no good, just reminders.

I am still very muddled. Think I am ok and then I get a sign. I was watching tv before and there was so much red on the tv it was not normal so I knew that was a sign. Then I wasnt sure what to do next but I had a clear sign just now. I know they can't all be coincidences. I have told the staff. They say I have insight which is good but they can't see what I can so it is hard to explain.

Our brains are wired to look for meaning. Sometimes they overdo it. Rest, find someone to talk to, eat the food (ours was pretty good and sometimes the night staff made us toast <ahem>)

Did you get any medicine against them? Or do you just have to rest and wait them disappear? Somewhere I read that antispychotis are not that effective against ocd.

Hi had a bad night and woke up feeling strange. Nurses say i am having a psychotic episode. I have meds prescribed but not taking them because of the signs, they are talking about a section maybe. I know logically but I also know god woulf not be giving me signs if it wasnt real. I am never like this and so to be like this so quickly must be a sign.

I am reading my book and trying to be calm but it is hard.

Hugs fluffy do keep talking to them, it's important they know what's happening for you.

Just take the meds. If they section you they will inject the meds on you. You can't win this time. You still have insight. You mind end up full blown psychosis if you don't take the meds.

oh, one question. Have you actually heard this god talking to you or has the god shown himself to you? How do you know it is god sending signs to you? How are you sure you are reading the signs right? Or could it just be your imagination finding signs all the time?

Fluffy - only just seen this thread. Are you an inpatient now?

Take the help on offer, please do. I'm stuck on home treatment as there's no space for admission around here and wish I could be away somewhere safe.

It is hard to concentrate when all you can think about is harming yourself, but be proud that you are still holding onto that insight and keep that going. There is a part of you who wants to be safe and understands why.

I'll be thinking of you xx

Oh no I don't hear voices our anything. Just things happening are signs. The logical bit of me knows it is not true but I also know that tge signs are def def there.

It is very confusing right now. I keep trying to kill myself but o can't. Maybe I should be at home maybe that is why the signs are so strong because I should be at home. But they said I am not allowed home.

I know I should take the meds but it it's such a strong sign that I don't want to that o know it i's what god wanted.

Thank you for replying. I appreciate it, makes me feel less alone.

Is it one sign telling you not to take meds, or lots of them? Do you want to share what the signs are, or is it kind of private? What might a sign that you should take them be like?

I refused meds a couple of times when admitted, because I wasn't sure whether I should take them or not, or even what they were. I did take them eventually, the confusion then cleared over the next few days.

Why can't you take the meds? You know they take the sings away.

Have a try. If the god really wants to show you signs, it does not make any difference if you take the meds or not. After, well, a generous dosage of Haldol, you still see signs Then they are ment to be!

Signs ate like things that are happening but I know they have a special meaning for me. Like yesterday a woman choked outside of my room and I knew that was a sign to hang myself, and they put The Bucket List on TV and that was a sign. So everyone can see them but they are special for me from God.

The quietapine wastbe first sign. I didnt want to take it so knew that was god wanting me to be like this even though I am scared and then havibg them meant an overdise would work better, so that was a sign.

My typing is crap sorry!

I had olanzapine at first to bring me down (hypomanic due to sleep deprivation). They worked really quickly. Then went onto the quetiapine and boy did they help me catch up with my sleep, which I really needed. Was off them in a couple of months or so.

I am not quite clear about your signs. Not wanting to take it is a sign not to take it, and having them (the quetiapine I presume) would mean an overdose would work better, so that was a sign for what? not to take them?

Sorry for all the questions. Ignore if you want. What is the food like?

Thinking of you Fluffy x
Cannot help but thinking of you x

Maybe they could give you something else than quetapine if that drug is a problem.

I was once given something that really knocked me out. I just got to my bed and passed out. I woke up next morning feeling much better.

I don't really want to explain the signs, ut looks too weird. I do tell the staff though.

I don't eat the food here, I have ocd and I worry about it. My husband brings me food in but today I am too jittery to eat.

Oh fluffy sorry if I pressured you. Try and eat and drink a little, tis important to keep your strength up [hugs]

Is there anything you have an appetite for ? Just a nibble of anything?
Is your mind feeling all buzzy and whirling? It's hard to concentrate on anything when it's like that.

Do they have activities set up for in the daytime?

hi fluffy - I see what you're saying. The signs are very clear to you and I'm glad you're in a place of safety while you work out if they mean what you think they do. It's good that you have some awareness as you need to keep safe.

As for the meds, give some thought to taking them as it's much better for you to stay informal.

Thinking about you x

My husband sorted my internet out so now I have my laptop which makes a world of difference.

I hate some chocolate before but it didn't taste right, I feel hungry but then I don't really. Bit weird.

I don't want to take the quietiapine because it was such a big sign, hard to explain.

Thank you for your support on this thread

Keema - are you ok?

I hope you have a good evening/night fluffy Stay safe!

Bet the staff will love you cos' half their battles are trying to get people to understand their minds are not working correctly and need help. You have recognised that bit and called for help - so that's a big chunk for them done.

Keep warm and safe Fluffy. And any food urges - tell your DH to bring it in for you! What about polos and things like that?

we are all here for you x

You can always ask something else than quetapine, if that is the problem.
Is this your OCD which is making you so obsessed about signs?

Hi Fluffy,

Sorry - I misunderstood about hearing voices v seeing signs.

It does sound like a hugely confusing and difficult time for you. Maybe if you try the meds, it might make the signs either clearer, or diminish, either way would be better than the current state?

Not to scare anyone but I've been on quetiapine + sodium valproate coming up to 5 years now (bi-polar) with no plans on stopping! Haloperidol made me sleep for about 2 weeks straight when I was first admitted, but seeing as I was so manic that i hadn't slept in about 8 weeks, it was what I needed in retrospect. I was sectioned too, not as scary as I thought.

Keema how are you?

Good morning

Well I am washed and dressed (actually I am always washed and dressed, I am very clean as a person). Slept ok last night, I was very upset but had some lorazepam which just takes the edge off.

I have woken up with a cold which is from my DH so annoying because here you can't just have lemsip etc. I am not allowed hot drinks anyway. DH is bringing me in some balsam tissues. I hate hate hate hate colds. HATE.

Feeling very jittery and upset again today, finding it hard to focus really, but the internet is good for that because you can hop all over the place instead of just trying to read one bit.

I was supposed to see my CPN today, last time I was in hospital she visited me here I wonder if she will?

Not taking the quietiapine was the first sign so it is important not to take it I think.

Food just tastes like cardboard, I am hungry but not for anything really. I have chocolate and crisps and mints etc but nothing I fancy really. I think this might be due to my cold as well as everything else.

You sound better. Have you had less signs lately?

Your quatapine sign is very odd though. You thought you can't take it, and that was a sign?

I had a sign not to take quatepine as well, but it was based on to the fact. I thought I can't take quatepine as I am co-sleeping with my baby and afraid getting so sedated that I sleep on her. Then I saw a sign: my baby flying in her white sleeping bag looking like an angel.

Afternoon Fluffy

How has your day panned out today? Hope your CPN has been and hope the super soft tissues arrive soon with DH.

Hello.

Today there is a lot of blue - don't ask me to explain that though.

I have seen my CPN. She said she was very worried about me and that it is a psychotic episode but I am just not sure. She said she thought I would be in hospital for quite a while. She was lovely, I feel like I have let everyone down. It is hard at the moment. They said I am on 15 minute obs but I am not, nobody ever does them, which is maybe a sign. Hmm.

I feel very upset and scared today, very alone and frightened. Very jittery as well. The staff are nice but I know I am bothering them and they are fed up with me

I had some sweets before but they just tasted like cardboard. I feel very snuffly and gross.

Obs just means that someone writes down how you seem from your behaviour every 15 min. It means one of the nurses is keeping an eye on you and making sure you are safe. They don't take your temp or anything.

Blue sounds nice to me - like the sky...

You have not let anyone down. I think you've done mighty well to say " I think I need help". So many deny there's anything wrong making it do much harder for family and friends etc.
Push that guilt aside.
Bet the staff aren't fed up with you. Bet you are model patient.

It's time, it won't stay forever, it will go but you need to repair your mind. Frustrating slow process but it will be ok.

I know what obs are, they just aren't doing them!

Ah... is it like when I went in, you have your own room, also the minutest en-suite shower and toilet I have ever seen. And a day area and access to outside where smokers can smoke if they want?

I have been in three different hospitals (abroad) and never seen any obs! I thought it was just in movies they do them :D

I know they sometimes can be barely seen as they do obs very quickly, someone I know used to sit where they couldn't be seen from the door to test them (not suggesting you do).

They said I am on 15 minute obs but I am not, nobody ever does them, which is maybe a sign. Hmm.

I don't think it was a sign. You should stop thinking everything as a sign. There is so many things happening that you would go mental if thinking everything is a sign of something.

Cheers for that snowbanana, I know it might seem ridiculous to you but it is real for me. Please don't tell me I will go mental, I am in a psychiatric unit. I know you are trying to be helpful and I appreciate your replies but it just feels like you think I am making it up when you say that.

It was ment to be a joke type thing A sentence that bites itself.
Got it wrong, sorry.

You are not mental in a way that you have lost contact to the real world. you have some psychotic symptoms which needs dealing but you are still here.

Thinking about you OP. Get well

Fluffy hi (smile)

If you count Mumsnet, you're not alone.

I've had bouts of deep depression before where food tasted of... nothing, or like younsay, cardboard or I also thought of sawdust. It's very demoralising because I LOVE my food normally.

Do you like your CPN? I loved mine. Miss her a lot actually.

snowbanana - I know you did not mean to, I think I am just sensitive

I can taste the food it just feels pointless, hard to explain. I never ever ever have to make myself eat but at the moment, I am meh about it all.

My CPN is lovely, she is so supportive and brilliant, I am lucky. My husband brought my nail polish tonight so I will do paint them tomorrow.

I feel very jittery as usual. My Mum posted me some colouring books (and chocolate!) so I might do some colouring in a bit.

hey fluffy, it's me in my cunning disguise. just wanted to check in to see how you're doing and to let you know I'm thinking about you x

fluffy colouring in sounds great, I find it really relaxing. And chocolate, well...

Hope you're okay m'dear xxx

I tried to hurt myself again so now I an on constant obs :-(

So ashamed.

You know this,I hope, but you have nothing to be ashamed of. You're ill. You just need to heal.
Try to eat regularly even if you don't feel like it, and rest. And do your nails

Not had a great night obviously.

On constant until I see the dr this morning, they are talking about a section.

I feel like the staff are cross at me It is embarrasing being followed around. I asked to shave my legs and the nurse just said 'if you feel suicidal the last thing you want to be doing is shaving your legs Fluffy' but the two are not separate If they do an autopsy I want to look ok.

I imagine they're like most of us, wrapped up in their own lives, pissed off at the snow, maybe tired, maybe had an argument with their partner. Doing what they do is their job, I doubt your behaviour is out of the ordinary for them.

though I forgot some weird people like snow

Hugs fluffy Don't be ashamed, it's the illness not you. I hope they make a plan earlyish so it's not hanging over you.

constant obs. never seen that either. last country i lived they just tied you onto the bed with leather belts, if they caught you selfharming etc. Or gave some strong tranquliser. Or put in seclusion. For minor things in my opinion.

Fluffy. You're actually doing very well in the face of what you're going through. Your brain is pretty tired and perhaps even overworked, hence the irrational thoughts and self harm. Don't be ashamed about anything because I will tell you now, this can happen to any person. Sleeping is good as it rests your entire body, and when you are awake, you can do colouring or even write a book. I think to write things down would be really good for you. When you're better you can look back on it. Focus on things you would like to do after you get out, maybe horse riding, painting, or going to a spa. In the meantime talk about how you feel with the staff. You are not bothering them at all, and I should know as I used to work with a lady who had a few problems with hearing voices and things. I used to sit with her and talk, we would have tea and biscuits, and walk around the place she was staying. Enjoy your day today and be very kind to yourself xxx

I had constant obs when I tried to climb the fence in the smoking area of the ward, I empathise fluffy, it is tough. I think it's preferable to mechanical restraints though. Take care fluffy

I am tired. Only got three hours sleep.

The woman doing my 1:1 just told me that some people have a hard time and they just cope and some people like me don't. When I said I hope she never struggles with her mental health she told me that I had no idea about her life, she is just a coper and we all have choices to make and I choose the self harm route but she would never do that.

FFS.

I am fucking terrified. I am so scared of what I know I have to do, I am so worried that I keep getting it wrong. I know her comments are to show me what I should be doing. To keep me focused on what God wants. Lots of yellow today and snow and a bird. I want to go home

Her comments were just that, throwaway comments if someone who was a bit stressed and as you pointed out, probably never struggled with her mental health. You say you can see this logically, please let the logical side of you be in charge until you're better

Her comments would have really pissed me off. A lot of people DO feel like that and yes, i guess we dont know abut her life, and whatever, she does seem to be coping, but youre not CHOOSING to not cope. Its not a fucking bundle of fun. She needs to get a different job

When I was on constants I followed my constants nurse about - I was feeling sort of OK and my illness was different from yours - rather than the other way round. I found it interesting.

Birds were one of my signs, they weren't signs for me to do anything though, more a reassurance that the universe was looking after me. Have you tried praying?

oh, birds sound so calming!

i just get reminders of lizards. pictures of lizards, green on snooker table, plants looking like lizard tails, frying sausages looked like frying lizard toes.

I saw the doctor, I am still on constant obs for now. I asked to go home but was told I will be sectioned if I keep asking and they won't let me out.

I am seeing a lot of yellow today.

I didn't get much sleep last night, still full of cold. I have coloured in a peacock today (!) which was ok actually.

I had a huge cry with the doctor, felt very cross and frustrated. I feel like everyone is laughing at me but they can't see what I can see. It makes sense.

Then they said if I really wanted to kill myself I would have and they are right so I think I need to go home to do that but they won't let me I feel scared about it, but I know I have no future now. It just is my destiny.

Oh fluffy I wish I could say something more helpful, but honestly, it isn't your destiny. If there is a God he wants you to get better and be happier.

Hope you feel better soon.

Oh fluffy I'm sorry you're feeling so awful.

Hold on lovely xxx

oh dear. Did you discuss about medication?

I'm sorry you're in such a spot, fluffy

Thank you for your kind comments

I have starting coughing now in addition to my cold (punishment?).

The nurses are being pretty nice, I feel bad for having one to myself, bit of a burden.

Spoke to my Mum, I don't want her to worry, she knows I am in hospital but not the details. It was hard not to tell her that everything will be ok because God is showing me the way. I feel sad for her that she can't see what I can.

It is snowing here now. I have painted my nails as well, bright pink with silver sparkles.

Hi Fluffy

How are you today?

Hello

I had a huge sleep last night, 2-10 so feel a bit less tired. I have to sleep with the light on though so I woke up a few times but got back to sleep. Very jittery today though, but I have been colouring and internetting. My husband is coming in a bit to visit and bringing me some more felt tips.

Still on 1:1, there is a lady who keeps stopping to talk to them (they are sat in my doorway) which is a bit weird because she can see in my room. I woke up this morning to her voice.

I feel like I am in a dream, but having someone with me helps.

Hi fluffy glad you got some sleep. All 4 times I have been in, it was because of sleep deprivation, either long term bad sleep or short-term staying awake for 4 days , and in my case my theory is that I then began dreaming while awake.

I must say colouring in a peacock sounds rather nice

I'm glad you got a good sleep, fluffy I hope you have a nice visit

My husband has been and brought me lots of nice colours We then sat and coloured together, oh yes.

I spoke to one of the nurses about things, I said they are telling me to take responsibility for myself but I feel like my responsibility is to kill myself so it is hard to manage. Lots of songs on the radio today, lots of signs. It has snowed a bit here but DH says the roads are clear.

You are still seeing signs? Strange that they have not done anything to stop them? Have you asked what is their plan?

Hello Fluffy

The snow here hasn't stopped all day and apparently tomorrow is worse snow-wise. But our road is a quiet road so it becomes unpassable with 4 flakes of snow - I went out earlier and the main road was clear. Do you have a view from your room? Is it a view of interest?

Glad you are talking to the nurses. How are you feeling about medication at the moment?

The view is out into the garden, it is neither here nor there really. I tend to lie on my bed and look out into the corridor because I am nosey ;)

No medication, I feel like God is showing me these signs for a reason, it is hard to explain.

You don't need to explain anything and you don't need to answer nosey question either ( but here's some more .l
Are there lots of others (to nosey at) ? Is it like a block with individual rooms and offices for the stass?

And how's your cold?

staff not stass - haven't a clue what stass is

Hi again Fluffy. I love colouring, your peacock sounds nice.

The woman doing my 1:1 just told me that some people have a hard time and they just cope and some people like me don't. When I said I hope she never struggles with her mental health she told me that I had no idea about her life, she is just a coper and we all have choices to make and I choose the self harm route but she would never do that.

Well I used to have all sorts of misconceptions and wrong ideas about mental health too. Can't believe this person is on an actual ward, saying these things to patients!! As if it's your fault - does she have no compassion and understanding??

Thinking about you fluffy. Can't offer much in the way of support at the moment, but I'm checking in and hoping that you keep yourself safe.

I wish I was somewhere safe like you are. Keep holding on. Your family and the staff will do their best for you. x

Hi fluffy, I've been following your thread and thinking about you, I just wanted to actually say 'hi'. Hope you get a good night's sleep tonight. Keep letting us know how you are, we all care. And please ignore that woman, she sounds like an absolute idiot.

It is a unit in a building (the crisis team, and some community teams are based here as well). Like there is a main reception and then you go round the corner to the door for the unit.

It is shaped like a cross, so the side bits are the rooms with a male and female corridors. The rooms are private with shared bathrooms. Then in the middle there is a clinic room where you have your meds and the staff office. And on the long bits of the cross there are lounges and rooms and a patients' kitchen. Then there is an enclosed garden (that my room looks out onto) where you can go to smoke. Does that make sense? The rooms have locks on so when you are out of them your stuff is safe, the staff just open them when you need it. The rooms are a bit like halls of residence, chest of drawers, single bed, wardrobe and a sink.

My cold is better actually, less congested, I have a cough but that is easier to manage somehow. I smoke as well which doesn't help.

I have coloured in some more and DH came again and brought me some foundation and we playsed Yahtzee. Exciting.

I still feel very confused, I get names and stuff muddled up a lot. It is difficult. I am scared. I am also fed up of people walking past my open door and starring in but I am not allowed to close it.

Thank you for your kind thoughts on this thread I am trying not to babble too much about the things God wants for me because I know people think it sounds a bit odd, but sometimes when I am talking/typing it is hard not to put it in.

Hiya fluffy, still reading your thread and thinking of you every day. I bet plenty others are to.

Nice that you have private rooms.

Have your signs reduced at all? Interesting that they just let you see them and not forcing the meds in. I have always thought that you have to take the meds in hospitals. Where I have been they gave some pills just to shut you up. I was chatting with one man late at night in the corridor and the nurses just came and told me to take two pills of something and go to bed. I fell asleep in minutes.

I am informal so they can't make me take medication.

Lots of signs, more and more tbh.

But they can tell you not to leave by threatening to section you. They have not done the same with meds? Or do they think the signs go away on their own?

The unit sounds ok and you get some peace. Have you tried any food yet? Tasty or not?

We have a friend who is sectioned ( seems to be a yearly event) and she has no appetite when ill but her husband brings her bags of chocolate that she keeps in a drawer.My friend and I visit her and help out on making that drawer a little emptier. She doesn't smoke until she goes into the unit. It breaks up the day she says.

Don't worry about babbling Fluffy. And confusion is expected so don't fret about that. It's all part of being ill and will improve as you improve.

Hope you sleep well tonight.

Hello lovely fluffy

I hope you sleep well tonight xxx

Hey fluffy. Been following your thread, thinking of you this morning. Hope you managed to get a reasonable night's sleep. I know how scary and horrible it can be in there and that your head will be tired and confused but please try and believe you are in the best place to get better. This is just temporary and however deep you are it will pass. Try to take care x x

I hope you got a good night fluffy, and hope that you and they can come up with a workable plan.

Thank you for your kind words.

I had another ok sleep, lots of funny dreams though. I was woken up at 7 as well because someone was smoking in their room but went back to sleep until 10.

DH is coming tonight I think? I have found a slightly comfier way to sit as well. Will paint my nails later.

Still having lots of thoughts, it is hard to talk sometimes because I want to say about what I can see but then people say 'Fluffy (well tbh they call me by my name!) that is a coincidence/random/not a sign/why would God want you to do that...' but I know they are wrong.

They seem to be very human here in uk. Where I was tied me into the bed after two small and superficial cuts. I was also given a strong tranquilizer and let lay there 12 hours. I would think they would have force meds in if needed.

Anyway, I still think your thoughts of god and god's messages would disappear with a little help of some meds. Of course, if they are caused by dissociation meds won't work, or if it is indeed god talking the meds would not make any difference. You have nothing to loose.

Hi Fluffy, glad you slept well. Sorry you are still confused and don't feel like you can talk about the signs. I don't know it talking would help or not. Thinking of you x

Glad you got some sleep fluffy, take care.

Thinking of you fluffy Hope you are keeping safe.

This is a huge jumble.

I am feeling very anxious. I am still on 1:1 and the nurse just asked me if I thought I still needed them and I said no. But I know they would think I do, but I feel like if God wants me to die and that is my destiny then it is unfair on them to waste their staffing and time watching me, because at some point they won't be and it is just prolonging the inevitable. I see the consultant tomorrow so I am on 1:1 until then. I am so confused about everything, I am trying to think how I can kill myself tonight but there is no time.

Lots of blue today.

fluffy as I recall even though God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac, He then stayed his hand, and aiui this was to show that He did not want human sacrifice. And Christians would say that He sent His Son to die for us, and that having done so, God would not ask anyone else to die for Him.

Tbh I am not a believer as such, but I do think that we are here to help others, and mostly I find that the universe is a good place.

Hoping you sleep well tonight.

Hope you are sleeping Fluffy. Sounds a tough day. Hope you feel comfortable with the consultant tomorrow and able to say what you think and feel.

Hope it's happier dreams tonight.

Hi Fluffy, I hope you had more settled night. It does all sound very confusing for you and it must be so hard to experience so many signs. I was wondering if you should try and keep a note of all the different signs and your interpretations of their meanings so that it might be easier to discuss them with your consultant today? Sometimes I find writing down confusing and complicated issues can help me see a way through; also putting the thoughts out side of your self might ease the burden. I think it is very very important that you communicate how you are feeling to the staff. They need to know that asking you what level of obs you need may not always be the best way to keep you safe.
I hope today brings you some rest from the signs and you feel less anxious.

Hello Fluffy

Big hugs to you. I hope your day gets better. xxxx

I made a long post and then my internet crashed.

Finally got to sleep at 2 this morning after a long chat with a nurse and some lorazepam. Got up at 9, showered/make-uped. I still feel a bit zonked out that is ok I guess.

She was nice and she said she believed I believe what I do, but she didn't. She said she thought it was me trying to justify or make sense of my feelings inside. I don't know really. It makes sense but I know she is wrong.

My psychologist is coming to my meeting which is good because he knows me. DH can't come because of work. Still nervous about it all but normal I guess.

I hope your meeting goes well. x

Good luck fluffy, thinking of you.

Hi fluffy - just another one following your thread and wishing you well.
Hope your meeting goes well today.

Had my meeting and they have sectioned me because I feel like being here is so pointless and I have asked to go home a lot and I won't take the medications.

It is a Section 3 which is a treatment order which means I have to have treatment in hospital. Which as far as I can tell will be anti-psychotics.

I know people will be reading this thinking agree to stay or just take the meds but it is not as simple as that for me because of the signs I have had from God.

They have confirmed that they think it is a psychotic episode but of course I disagree. I am STILL on 1:1 obs as well.

I feel like I have let everyone down.

Well, I think it is good for you I am just wondering why they did not do that in the beginning.

I have seen people speaking gibberish and being absolutely out of it getting better in couple of days. The meds they have will take delusions away. And if they do not disappear they are ment to be there!

You haven't let anyone down.

You have been able to get yourself to help. People are not annoyed or upset with you. They are concerned that you are not well, but concern looks like a frown sometimes.

oh, to me you don't sound psychotic , just confused and stuck to a same track

Who have you let down? I can't see that you have?

As you have tried to kill yourself and are continuing to contemplate doing so they have little option but to section you and to keep you on 1:1. It is done out of care for you. We here on this thread all care for you too and wish you well xxx

Hi fluffy I just wanted to say you haven't let anyone down. Are you going to take the antipsychotics now? Take good care.

Hello fluffy you haven't let anyone down. I think it's a good idea that you're staying there for a bit. Big hugs xxx

I have to take them now

Good!

But as I told you before. If they really are signs from God, it does not matter if you take them or not!

Hey fluffy. Hope you coping with things ok this afternoon. I think it's a good thing that they are taking some active measures to try and improve how you're feeling. I have been sectioned several times and I know its scary but you have to trust that you are in the best place to get help. Are you getting visitors tonight? Thinking about you. X

My husband is coming later to visit.

Just feel so crap.

Big hugs fluffy

When you have been well in the past, what things to you enjoy/ what gives you pleasure? I find that even though it was a real struggle, just washing my hair and giving myself a bit of a facial could lift me. I didn't have the concentration to read or anything but I found jigsaws/ drawing could give me a bit of pleasure. Is there anything you can think of that your husband could bring in? Your brain is most likely exhausted with all the extra connections it is making, if you can get some rest you may start to feel better. Are you eating anything? X

I switch between Angry Birds, internet and colouring in really. I shower/dress every day. I want to pluck my eyebrows really badly!

I am eating yes, today I have had a chicken sandwich, some crisps, melon and a kit-kat.

I want to go home

Oh fluffy Hang on in there.

It is good that you want to go home. That is a good sign. I have noticed that when you want to leave hospital you are in better shape. Especially when you went in voluntarily.

I want to go home to do what I need to do. It just seems stupid being here when I know what I have to do.

I slept well again. Painted my nails, and just internetted really. Very dull. Got my Section 3 paperwork so it is all official now.

Last night I had some doubts about everything but God has shown me stuff this morning which made things clearer. I am hopefully being moved to a different unit today, I know that unit very well so that will be better I guess.

It is sunny here today which makes a change

I hope your move goes smoothly fluffy, nice that there's sun.

You sound very good. Usually when I have arrived hospital I have been really anxious, depressed, scared and confused. With time that changes to boredom and I want to go home. And by then I usually am ok to do that.

Changing a unit is also a very good sign. At least where I have been you start from the closed ward and then go to an open ward.

I might have to leave mumsnet, because I think my own obsessions are actually getting influenced by yours. My obsessions/signs/hallucinations have been rather harmless, but they seem to be influenced by yours. I think you got influenced by one of mine.

I hope you are ok snowbanana, I don't think I have been influenced by you.

Moved hospitals to the treatment unit (was in assessment one), the staff here know me very well which helps. Still on constant obs, still lots of thoughts/signs.

Saw the Dr here and said I don't want to take olanzipine and he said we could discuss it another day.

I'm glad they know you well on the new unit, is it quieter as well?

Hope you have a restful night fluffy.

I have similar obsessive thoughts like you, well no God talking at least . But as they are harmless so I am safe and can be at home (and of course not so out of it that only mumbling). I am waiting to hear about meds.

Nice that they do not want you to take quetapine anymore. Why can't you take olanzipine? You took some benzo's, whats the difference? I just can't see why your God don't want you to take them. My obsessions would not give a damn, if they would be persons of some sort.

Morning fluffy, thinking of you, sounds like your dr is somewhat understanding.

Hello. Had a good sleep again.

They found me trying to kill myself in the toilet so now someone is with me for that. Pooing in front of someone is WEIRD.

Very overcast here.

I spent a lot of yesterday out of my room because I like it here. The other girls seem nice and I know a few of them from previous admissions.

My plan today is internet / colour / angry birds. DH is coming tonight and hopefully bringing McDonalds for me! I know I am a piglet.

Unbelievable! If you would have been in the hospital I was, you would have spend most of your time in bed tied with leather belts like a star or in seclusion. You would be on your way home as you would have been on meds several days and doing fine. I think this is the other end of the spectrum... This just makes patients too comfi at the hospital and they do not want to leave.

Glad you got out of your room - I always found talking to other patients helpful.

snowbanana I believe in treating people like people, and I wouldn't describe psych hospitals as comfy, they are decent places yes on the whole, and the new builds are a bit like Travel Lodges. I see your point about getting people well quickly, but strapping them down

I think I have a right to be comfy

I'm with you fluffy, TLC is needed when unwell.

I am glad you are comfy Fluffy.
But I am sad you tried to kill yourself. Did you go to loo intending to or did it just make sense to do it when you were in the cubicle? and you don't have to answer that, but it just made me feel sad for you and your DH.
Which Angrybirds are you on? It's the Star Wars one in our household at the moment.

Take care. Hope DH appears with a MccyD's for you.

Yep. The bed with leather belts stayed in the corridor when unused. It was not too often there. I leart my lesson and behaved. Once I took an overdose in open ward (in different hospital) and they were observing me in their office until I stopped puking. Then I was tied to the bed and put to the seclusion room for overnight. They just came and took my blood pressure every now and then. I think I got so harsh treatment, because they tought I was a borderline personality. Apparently they get too used to hospitals and require tough love

snowbanana - hospitals are not at all like that in the UK. Nobody is restrained unless it is the very last option.

I just know what I have to do and so when I can I will. I had a long chat with my key worker who I know very well today and she agreed with everyone else who said this was a very different admission. My DH asked her about my constant obs and she said she thought it would be for a while yet.

I have had a McDonalds which was nice. I feel frantic inside sometimes, hard to explain. I don't know.

I am doing Angry Birds Rio.

Hey Fluffy, just checking in Glad they're taking care of you x

Hi Fluffy

Glad you're safe, and had a cheeky Maccy D's. I hope the frantic feeling subsides soon.

Take care xxx

Hello.

Still lots of blue. Had a chat with the nurse today which was helpful. 1:1 still going on. My DH can't visit tonight which is a bit crap but there we go. A girl on the unit bought me a KitKat Chunky before which was nice.

It is grey and COLD today. My room here looks out onto the street which is nice because you can see people/things, feels less closed in.

Nice to hear the hospitals are different . Have you had good sleeps?

Hope you're doing ok fluffy

fluffy I hope you're keeping warm. xxx

I am just eating my dinner (hand and cheese sandwich). DH came after uni and brought me some bits and bobs. Don't feel so great today, feel like a massive burden on the staff at the moment.

The unit is very warm really which is good, but when I go out for a cig it is freezing.

Hope you sleep well tonight Fluffy. Especially after your tasty sound sarnie!

Glad you have a view to watch coscthat must help with time.

Have they a long list of specialists to see you tomorrow ?

Seeing dr later, but nervous. Eep. I know if it is my time ut is my time but scary all the same.

Good luck fluffy, thinking of you. I've got crisis team later.

Lots of luck Fluffy and for you SnowyMouse.

Hope all goes ok.

Hope it went ok for you snowy

Not seen doctors after all. Staying on constants for now until my review on Monday.

DH has sorted out a new dongle for me so should get better internet tonight.

Thanks fluffy, they rang just as I started to reply, they're coming out tomorrow to see me.

A new dongle sounds good, I hope it'll help distract from everything

New dongle is set up. I have had a cheese sandwich and an apple. Just sitting in my room now, it is ICY cold here everyone is talking about possible snow.

One of the girls bought Magic Mike on DVD today so we will watch that later.

Had a long chat with my key worker today, explained my feelings etc. Just feel like everything is so final you know.

Oh and good luck for tomorrow snowy

Hi fluffy - I remember hanging around waiting for dr and then it getting postponed - v frustrating, but I suppose their priorities change all the time according to their patients.

Did it snow? Have had 4 in since yesterday, however looks like gradual thaw now.

We have had quite a bit of snow last night but not much today My friend visited today and then DH is coming in a bit.

I wanted to share some of my colouring in, I hope you don't mind.

picture
another picture

Wow they are gorgeous

Those are beautiful, fluffy

Thank you

Your pictures are fabulous Fluffy
thanks for sharing . I have had a yearning to do those painting by numbers recently. do you still do sewing ?
can feel a visit to Hobbycraft coming on . stay safe lass stay safe .

Those are well thought out with the colour choice Fluffy. Impressed.

Hope you have been ok this evening and sleep well.

Take care.

Hello Fluffy

I like your colour choices, you have a gift for choosing colour.

Hugs xxx

Thank you for your kind words, I know it is showing off but small things etc!

I am not sewing no, no concentration sadly. I painted my nails today though

Not had a great day, feel very tearful and down. Just fed up if it all, I feel very alone in some ways because people say they believe I believe what I am talking about but they don't. I told my parents about it today and my Dad cried down the phone which was horrid

Seeing Dr for a review tomorrow, constants will probably stop which is a sign now is the time, I think maybe God gave me another few weeks to come to terms with it. Going to dicuss meds tomorrow as well. Hmm.

I am going to go and colour in downstairs for a bit before bed.

Hi fluffy

I'm sorry you've had a down day today. I hope that tomorrow is better, and that you have a good review with the consultant.

Big hugs xxx

Just fed up if it all, I feel very alone in some ways because people say they believe I believe what I am talking about but they don't.

Well, maybe they believe . The stuff you are explaining is not that odd at all. People believe in all sorts of Gods and there has been wars over religion. You just sound like you have gotten bit obsessed about your God. I have obsessive thoughts as well. I just read that there can be OCD without compulsive bit.

oh forget to add. When I am really depressed I get the feeling that I have to kill myself. There is nobody really telling me but I just sense it. One sort of obsession. When I am high-ish I have other kind obsession. Very bizarre one.
I have thinking of OCD therapy. Maybe you could ask for that?

or what about spiritual awakening? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Religious_experience

My sister turned to a believer after a religious experience. An angel came to her and they had a chat . After that she has been a church goer and lives happily.

Could it be you have interpretted the messages all wrong? As you haven't had a chat with the God or with an angel, you can't say sure. You just rely on how your mind interprets the messages.

Did you see the dr? Hoping it went OK.

You weren't showing off, btw, just taking pride in something you do well, and I was v glad you posted the pix.

Hi fluffy. How's it going, been thinking of you.

My sister haven't revealed what they chatted about.

Hello.

Didn't see him in the end! Still on constants. Had a Chinese with DH when he visited which was nice. My internet is so slow tonight, very frustrating! It is crazy windy here.

snowbanana - oddly I don't believe in angels or spiritual awakenings. I am having psychotherapy.

I guess you don't believe them before you have one.

In my opinion you could well have something like that as you sound pretty sane. You seem to have insight and are able to write here. Can you ask your God questions?

Al'right Fluffy, glad to hear you are eating Chinese. Yummmm.

I don't like this wind. Wind and rain together is just nasty.

Has the Dr for a review rebooked or leaving you waiting? How are you feeling about meds now?

Hope you sleep well and you wake up to fast pacey internet connectivity !
Take care

Crappy day, saw Dr, very negative tbh. He was very unhelpful.

Went down to 15 minute obs and am now back on constants after another attempt.

Oh fluffy I'm sorry you've had a bad day.

Fluffy I apologise if this seems too blunt or upsetting, please don't feel you have to answer but do you really feel you want to die, genuinely no longer want to exist or is it that you cant cope with these feelings anymore? Or is it more to do with the messages and you feel you have to do it? I'm deeply sorry to hear you are having such an awful time and that you have attempted to hurt yourself. If it is that you can't take the painful feelings, and I know how intolerable that can be please know that it can get better. You will not feel like this forever. There are people and drugs that can help. Please stay safe, I am thinking of you x

This is worrying... I would not like to be in a state in a hospital and just trying to kill myself. I rather had them tie me up and drug me. What I wrote on other post in begining. Good luck everyone.

Fluffy I have just read your whole thread. <big hug>

The way you think and the way you interpret life is exactly how my mum feels, especially when she doesn't take her medication. She take quetiapine and fluoxetine (I think that's how they are spelt). It was if it was mum sat there typing.

I know the difficulties you are experiencing in communicating how you are feeling. When mum has had episodes in the past, she has explained them extensively to me.

Your Dad is upset because he loves you. He doesn't want you to leave. Parents are wired to keep their DC alive.

The last episode of my mums was last summer. She decided she had enough of taking one of her medications (I think it was the one she takes for depression) because she didn't feel depressed. Soon everything began to unravel. In the end I begged the crisis team to come back out to her, because she kept saying "no matter what happens, I will always love you". It wasn't until we were in the psychiatric unit she finally admitted she hadn't been taking her tablets for a few months. Every night my dad would ask if she had taken them; and she would continue to order repeat prescriptions so nobody would suspect anything

What I am trying to say is please take the meds. They will help you to get better. We are here for you too. You have my support all the way.

As you know, it will take time for you to feel better. And don't feel bad about wasting anyone's time. Mental Health is a very serious illness; and to be honest the human race know naff all about how the brain works. It's the bodies most vital organ after all.

Is there anyone else you can talk to? Will you see your DH tonight?

I'm sorry fluffy Big hugs my lovely, take care xxx

The Dr said I don't need meds because I am not psychotic. So just sertraline.

I know God is controlling him so I can kill myself. It just feels endless.

Hmm, well that doesn't sound very helpful as if the sertraline was working then you wouldn't be an inpatient. I believe you, Fluffy, and I think its a shame that that he wasn't ready to consider other options.

I'm sure that God isn't controlling him. If a psychiatrist met god, the first words spoken would be, "So tell me about these feelings of omnipotence then."

...I don't know how the psychiatrist would answer that question though. Prob too busy reading notes

Just feel so so low tonight.

Glad you are on the up though

I'm sorry you feel so low tonight fluffy

Hang in there lovely xxx

I'm thinking of you Fluffy, sorry you are so low. Here's a great big un-MN
(((hug))) for you. Try and stay strong xx

have you told the psyche that fluffy?

loved your colouring in btw. really lovely.

you need to level with your psyche fluff - and i hope they listen.

im on 100mg sertraline and i would hope that if i felt as you do now something more would be done.

hang on in there. x

I know God is controlling him so I can kill myself. It just feels endless.

So now you think you need the medicine?

Have you explored the OCD possiblity? You seem to think that everything means you have to kill yourself.

Hopefully they figure out what would help you. What is you original diagnosis, if I may ask? I mean the one you were treated accordingly at CMHT.

I am on my phone so excuse crap typing.

I have ocd and bpd

I have told the dr will speak to my cpn.

I had huge nosebleed this afternoon, lasted 2 hours and I soaked through 3 hand towels with blood. Went to a&e where thankfully ut stopped. Dr said it was from me trying to hang myself yesterday. Feels like a punishment so fed up.

Yuck about the nosebleed Fluffy that sounds horrific.

It may be a side effect of you trying to hang yourself but it's not a punishment, I'm sure.

Big hugs lovely, sleep well xxx

Hello Fluffy

As SunnywithShowers says it is not a punishment - it's a side effect. Hope you don't anymore though. I have never had a huge nose bleed and I can only think it must leave a metallic taste in your mouth that lasts for ages... urghhhh

Are you seeing any Drs/CPN etc today?

Is your DH coming in this evening? Any food treats? Mccy'D', chinese....

Thinking of you.

fluffy do they understand you are not making attempts on your life because of depression, but because of the signs (if I understand correctly)? Have you explained it all to your nurses and dr? Perhaps the nosebleeds could be a sign that you have done your best and, like Abraham, can now stop trying to make this sacrifice?

Your parents would be devastated if you succeeded. Surely God knows this and would not want it?

Hi Fluffy, how are you feeling today? Your pictures were lovely, the colours were really striking. Hope you have had an ok day today, managed to have something to eat, and have recovered from that horrible nosebleed. Do keep posting, there are loads of us thinking about you and wishing you all the best x

Hi thanks for your kind words.

The staff and doctors know everything. The doctor said it is intrusive thoughts. I just feel so fed up waiting to die and scared, really scarded.

Had some more smaller nosebleeds but I am ok. Got my period today so in pain.

Seeing my cpn today and dh later, he is still trying to sort out my internet so it is easier to post.

Hi fluffy How's it going? Been thinking of you.

They are a bit more than intrusive though if you are acting on them? What is it you are scared of?

Been thinking of you a lot Fluffy .

Hope the nose bleeds have stopped and you have been able to get some meds from the nurses for your period pain . Wish I could magic you a nice warm hot water bottle for your tummy . And some hot chocolate .
You mentioned colouring a peacock a while back . Would like to see pic if you are up to it . We have some at local zoo . Hold on Fluffy if you can please .
stay safe .

I'll take some more photos tomorrow and post them then.

My CPN was lovely and very supportive, she had a chat with my key worker about things and they seem to have made a plan for some meetings etc.

I am just scared of dying I guess. I know I am lucky that God chose me, but it is hard. My CPN said I should be on my Section and it is right that I am on constant obs. I have not had a wee in peace for a while now ;)

DH bought me some DVDs and new colouring books tonight and my friend sent me a lovely package so that was nice and we had fish and chips with the nurses. The staff here are lovely.

springbanana - I really don't find it helpful when you talk about slicing etc

Looking forward to the photos Fluffy.

And glad your CPN has been and had a chat with you and your key worker, and an action plan is coming together. That sounds to be a positive step forward for you.

I am becoming fond of your DH, he sounds a gem Fluffy, hunting out colouring books for you and fish'n'chips .... Did he get your Internet connection sorted ? Then we think he is a star!

Sleep well Fluffy.

Hi Fluffy, I've been reading your thread the past few days, just wanted to formally say hello, and let you know there is another MN'r out here thinking of you. Do take a few more pics of your pics, I'd love to see them. What is your favourite takeaway food? I love Chinese, but DH hates it so we get Indian as a compromise

Hello lovely

Your DH sounds lovely, I hope you enjoy the DVDs and the colouring books. Fish and chips sounds great, it's my favourite take away.

Big hugs xxx

Hey fluffy. Thinking of you this morning while bored at work! Hope you managed a reasonable nights sleep and that you are able to be kind to yourself today? X x

Sorry being explicit, but I just wanted to say one can act on intrusive thoughts. However, when I started to get these thoughts again years later, I was offered quetapine to stop them...

Hello fluffy I hope your day is going well? x

Yes my husband is very lovely, he says he is worried about me but when I am gone he will understand.

He has finally sorted out my internet, it is still a little slow but so much better! He works in IT though so he should be good at things like this.

I really like Chinese and fish and chips. I don't mind an Indian but I am not keen on spicy so I always have a korma and lots of naan bread. I don't like take away pizzas, too greasy, we normally have one on a Friday night but we buy it from the supermarket.

My friend came today, she was quite upset because she said I seemed so calm and accpting of my destiny. She said she hadn't seen me like this before, she bought me some chocolate and magazines (and cigarettes). Both her and my CPN said that I seem very detatched from things. Which is true, but, I know God's plan so why would I doubt him? I do get scared of the moment I do it, but I also know it is the right thing to do.

I have waffled on sorry! I have some more pictures to share
This is my favourite
Peacock
Blue patterns
Paisley

Sorry so many. And I hope you don't mind me posting, I know it might seem unlikely that I can talk about normal things and be online when I feel like this but I have to pass the time somehow you know. I would hate to think that anyone thinks I am making it up.

Those are lovely pictures fluffy, great colour schemes. Are you taking any meds at the moment?

Hi Fluffy
Absolutely no one here thinks you are making up how you feel..not at all.
I guess that we are all naturally worried about you and pleased to see you posting and sharing how you feel .

I love those pics . My favourite is the peacock [as I thought I would ] . All are so well done in such vibrancy . They remind me of wraps and scarves I use .
That started me googling fabric painting/colouring in .

Dont know if it may interest you Fluffy and I cant get the link to copy
but you can get templates /transfers and fabric crayon/paint online if you fancy a change and make yourself a wrap or scarf . Just a thought mind .
Google if you fancy a look. fabric painting and transfers . I imagine they advise re the right fabric to use if interested . Sorry if I am rabbiting .

Take care and stay safe for now. A day at a time is good .

if I can get decent link to work later will post . I sadly am a dinosaur of the internet age . Anyway those pics are lovely . Might you frame your favourite ?

My favourite is the blue pattern. You are really talented, love the colour schemes! I love bassetfeet's idea to make a wrap or scarf, I think those designs would look fab on a scarf and they would really jazz up a plain coloured shirt. Don't know if this is the kind of thing she is talking about, but might be worth a look Paint a Silk Scarf

Funny Fluffy, we ALWAYS get korma and Naan. We order one korma between us, 2 naans and an extra portion of sauce. My brother is always horrified as he likes really really hot curries. We got one once to please him and it was so bad, I felt like my mouth was on fire!! Mmm, love puppodoms as well....I'm getting hungry now even thinking about it!! Hope your day is going ok! Keep posting, looking forward to hearing what's for dinner tonight!

I think I like the blue one best today. But also really like the first one.

I love kormas. We have discovered a new curry restaurant and they do some amazing curries that aren't at the average takeaway so I feel brave in spreading my curry horizons. But if I go somewhere I am not sure of then it's a korma. Also the pickle tray - mango chutney! Yum.

Fluffy, I think it's rather sensible of you to have thread where you can come to on here and 'waffle' ( you don't waffle though). I doubt anyone thinks you are making up your situation.

Glad your DH has sorted out the Internet.

What you up to tonight? Think it's an episode or 2 of the West Wing for me and a glass of wine and my jigsaw. We really rock don't we?

Well we had a power cut tonight at the unit, so we had 4 hours without power! Luckily the workmen who cut off the power brought over some LED lamps and the unit had emergency lighting so I sat in the very dim light and played scrabble and coloured in. My husband visited and we sat in a lounge with lighting and played Scrabble until the emergency lighting ran out and suddenly it went pitch black. Luckily my constant was there with a torch.

The power is all back on now.

My DH always gets a rogan josh and hates kormas! I am having a sandwich tonight ;) Very exciting! The fabric thing sounds nice but unfortunately my OCD means I can't do mess, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I CANNOT draw. I am good with colours but only when the picture is already drawn!

I feel quite muddled tonight and sad which is difficult, but I will be safe with my constants.

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you are feeling sad and muddled tonight. The power cut may have unsettled you a bit, I'm not a great fan of them and can never find a torch when I need one. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you are feeling sad and muddled tonight. The power cut may have unsettled you a bit, I'm not a great fan of them and can never find a torch when I need one. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for you.

Eventful evening Fluffy.
Hope you do sleep and feel more rested in the morning. Stay safe.

Hi Fluffy

I'm sorry that you're feeling muddled and sad, but glad that you feel safe. That's not a bad thing.

I'm sure none of us thinks you're making it up, I certainly don't.

I loved your paisley colouring, you really do have an eye for colour.

I hope you sleep well, speak tomorrow. xxx

Hi fluffy, how's it going?

Hello, it is very grey here today. I slept badly and I feel very tired today. Not having a great day, full of signs and hard to focus.

DH is coming later.

Sorry to be so negative, I just have nothing to say.

Sorry about your sleep, that makes everything else seem worse I hope DH is distracting for you.

It's blowing a gale here - v noisy last night.

But at last I can see the days are lengthening, and the grape hyacinths are putting up leaves in the garden.

Very wintry here too Fluffy. Did your DH come to see you? I've never played a game of scrabble, I'm quite jealous of you and your lovely DH playing it.

I thrashed him at Scrabble and he made me cakes so we ate them (little fairy cakes). I was so sad though and just cried and cried.

I feel so low tonight. Just had a sandwich (cheese) and about to eat my apple. Healthy choices ;)

Don't worry about feeling low, that is probably to be expected following the eventful evening of no electric and disturbed sleep. Hopefully tomorrow you will feel much calmer.

I have taken to playing Bookworm again at the moment. I love that game, trying to get blue tiles!

Am hopeless at Scrabble. Funnily enough I made date rock cakes last night. (Just don't ask how many are left...)

I feel like I should be good at Scrabble. I have an English degree and I am a qualified teacher, what do I have if not words and good spellings.

The unit is very noisy and busy tonight but hopefully will settle down. I am going to go and watch a DVD in a bit.

Hi fluffy, been following your thread and quietly worrying about you. I didn't want to post because I thought it might feel overwhelming to have too many points of view. But I was so pleased to read that you feel safe with your constant; I think it shows a small shift in how you are perceiving things. I really hope the signs start to lessen and your feelings of fear and sadness begin to be more manageable. Have a restful night.

Yeah I found it a bit noisy from time to time when I was in in July. Though there was a quiet room you could go to (if not being used by a patient-staff consultation).

I do think the first and foremost thing is to feel safe. Which I am happy to say I did.

I'm good at spelling and words - but hopeless when it comes to Scrabble and anagrams.

Hello lovely

I hope you get a restful night's sleep tonight.

I'm fab at spelling and so on, but can't play Scrabble to save my life. My BIL, who can't spell, is terrific. He always beats me - he's a tactical player.

Big hugs xxx

Thank you for your kind words

I had a funny morning, kept waking up and then going back to sleep, didn't shower until after 12

I have beaten some staff at Scrabble ;) and eaten some chocolate. The unit has calmed down a bit now.

Still feel really crap but it is what it is I guess.

I'm glad the unit is a bit quieter fluffy, long may it stay that way!

Hi Fluffy, hope today was a little better for you. I'm a teacher too (obviously not an English one though - my lack of scramble experience would go against me).

I am (was) a primary school teacher.

Not had a great day, very fed up and confused. Just had my dinner (prawn sandwich) and going downstairs to watch a DVD and eat chocolate and drink full fat coke ;)

I just want it to be finished. When I saw DH tonight when he dropped off my tea I said goodbye because I know tomorrow I will come off my constants and kill myself, I am so sad I won't see him again, I love him so much.

Hi fluffy I'm sorry you've had a blah day.

You do know that you don't have to kill yourself tomorrow, don't you? It's okay to stay around and be with your DH. You deserve to love and be loved.

Please talk with the people in the ward about how you're feeling.

Big hugs xxx

Fluffy PLEASE please please talk to someone there about how unsafe you feel to come off constants. You could let them read this thread if you can't find the words. Everything looks this way because you are not well but things can get better. Thinking of you.

Hello Fluffy

I hope you have slept well. Will you speak to the staff and let them know once of obs you will be trying to kill yourself?

As Sunny says, you don't have to and can stay with your lovely DH.
Take care today.

I can understand how you feel you need to kill yourself, because i had the same with cutting. The only way I could get out of that vicious circle was not to cut. The need faded away with time. How often are your obs then? Could you try to be safe the time and if not possible to go to a nurse?

Please tell the staff what's going on for you, fluffy. Thinking of you lots

Hello fluffy am thinking of you today. Please talk to the people around you - they're there to help. xxx

fluffy would it help to talk to the chaplain? If so, please ask for a visit from him/her.

Hey fluffy. How has today been? Thinking of you. X

Hi, not had a brilliant day, feel very down. Still on constants, might change tomorrow. Feel very fed up and tired. The staff know of my plans.

Gosh fluffy, your DH must really love you - you have been here so many times lovely girl For someone to love you so much, you are WORTH LOVING - You wont remember me but I have been on your thread many times. I knew this was you when i saw the title. I have been away from mnet for sometime but i often think about you and wonder how you are getting on. So i was glad to see your thread, if that makes sense - but of course not glad you are poorly again.

No advice, just best thoughts x

Hi Fluffy I'm sorry you're feeling so fed up, it's great that the staff are made aware of your plans. Big hugs xxx

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you aren't having such a great day. I was really hoping I'd come on here tonight and see a post from you, I'm so delighted that you did post. It's probably for the best that you are still on constants, at least for now. I hope things change for the better for you.

just popping in to say hello...

ooooo! I have not withdrawn any messages. What is this now?

Hi fluffy, thinking of you lots.

Hello Fluffy, just popping in with TheSilveryPCat to see how you are today.

When do you see your CPN next? And seen any of the consultants or is it just you and the nurses on your constant obs?

Hope you are feeling brighter today.
Freezing here. Stuck the heating on ( then instantly drapped wet laundry over the radiators...).

Hey Fluffy

For you and

all the best
this will pass and you will feel better
everything will be OK eventually

At least two messages withdrawn! What is this, what is this? My nickname is on its last leg! poor thing therapy therapy and ad's quickly!

Hi fluffy, how is your day going?

Thank you for your kind words Very much appreciated.

Still not having a great time of it, tried a few times to kill myself on constants last night. Still on constants. Have horrid bruise on neck. Blahhh.

springpotatoe - I think your post was deleted because of your choice of words

I'm sorry you're having such a bad time Fluffy Keep at it, you can do it

Oh Fluffy, you really are not having a great time are you? Are you managing to get any decent sleep?

I am thinking of you and hoping you turn a little corner soon back onto the road of recovery. This must be so draining for you.

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear today wasn't so good. How is your DH getting on, had he been to see you since you trashed him at scramble?

Hi Fluffy.
I just came across your thread and have been reading it.
My DH has MH issues - not relevant really but I wanted to say I will be praying for you along with my prayers for DH.

Hi Fluffy
Just another one thinking of you and wishing all the very best for you.

Hi fluffy Hope you're having a reasonable day today.

Hi.

I was taken off my constants today at lunch time and I am still off them. They have found me twice trying to hang myself and my neck is pretty sore but I suppose they have to try.

I have also been started on an anti-psychotic.

Feel pretty tired, DH visited and I was just grumpy.

Heres hoping the new meds help you to feel less desperate fluffy. xx

Hi fluffy

I hope the meds start to work for you soon. I hope you sleep well tonight and have a better day tomorrow xxx

Hope the new meds do start to improve things for you Fluffy.
Sleep well.

hope you get a good night's sleep - the meds should help with that xx

Hope the meds bring you a bit of peace Fluffy

I hope the anti-psychotic works fluffy

Hi fluffy. How are you doing, is the antipsychotic making you sleepy?

Jusy a quickie because I am on my phone. Tried a few more times and had to be cut down twice today so I am back on consrants fir now.

Sorry for bad spelling, I have a big lag on my phone.

Slept really well last night which was nice . Hopefilly the meds will kick on.

Do take care fluffy, that's good about the sleep.

Hey fluffy.

Glad you managed a good sleep, hopefully the new medication will allow your head a rest. I'm not sure why the pp is making deliberately unhelpful comments but it is a reflection of you not them so please ignore. There are lots of us thinking of you and hoping you start to feel better soon. X

Sorry that was obviously meant to read a reflection of them not you!

oh fluffy [hug]

I know you have been brave in trying to do what you think you must, but could you be even braver and not do it and just wait and see what the meds do?

Lovely Fluffy

I agree with what Silvery said. Could you spend a few days waiting for the meds to work, before doing anything?

Big, big hugs. xxx

I feel the same Fluffy, please wait and see how the meds work out. Hope today is a little brighter for you.l

Hello.

Having a mixed day really. On constants so can't do anything which is frustrating because of how I feel.

I feel very scared and confused about everything. It is just so unbareable.

I just want it to be finished. I know what God is telling me.

Lovely lady

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish today. Please don't do anything - give the meds time to work.

Do you have anything to do (colouring, reading) that will help take your mind off what you want to do?

Much love xxx

Sorry you're feeling so rough fluffy Please, please give the meds some time. What do you think about a more secure unit?

Have you played Words with Friends? Not sure how it works exactly but I think it is online scrabble with random people around the world! So sorry you are having a rubbish day. Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter.

Hi *fluffy just sending good thoughts...

I'm new to MN and just read this thread in entirety last night. I really hope Fluffydressinggown is ok and well.

Hi Fluffy, Hope you had a better day today!

Hi Fluffy, thinking of you xxx

Hi fluffy I hope today has gone ok, thinking of you.

I play words with friends yes.

Had an ok day I guess. Saw my psychologist today, I know that God is speaking through him.

Nice night staff on tonight.

Hi Fluffy, hope you're doing ok.

Having looked at the amazing pics you coloured you inspired me to actually join in colouring in with my DS today - I'd forgotten how much I used to love it! Nowhere near as good as yours but I'll be making it a regular habit!

No hurry Fluffy to do what you feel you need to do . So wait a while if you can . Let time flow .
So good that you have good nice night staff on tonight .It makes a difference for sure . Going to get a takeaway or watch a film with them? keep with other folk if you can and stay safe for tonight .
No hurry . just Let it Be as the Beatles say for now .....have a lovely sleep .

Hi Fluffy, another lurker signing in to say how amazing your colouring is! Hope you have a good restful night.

Hi Fluffy, another lurker signing in to say how amazing your colouring is! Hope you have a good restful night.

Hi Fluffy, I've been following your thread. Hope you get a good rest rest tonight.

Your colouring is beautiful by the way.

I think we're all in agreement about your colouring talents!

Hello lovely I'm glad you've got nice staff on. Massive hugs xxx

Had a bad night escaped from my constant and tgey had to cut a ligature off. I am so so tired. I am sorry to be so negative im just finding things so hard.

I appreciate all your kind thoughts here.

It feels endless

We are all thinking about you Fluffy. Hope you get some rest tonight. Things are very hard for you right now but please try to take some comfort from the very many people here who are wishing you well.

I'm sorry life is so difficult, fluffy I hope you got some rest and/or sleep last night.

Big hugs, lovely xxx I hope you have a better day today.

Only just found this thread. I hope fluffy is ok.

Hi Fluffy, just wanted to say hello and see how you are doing today. Thinking of you a lot and checking the thread. Please let us know how you are feeling today if you can x

Hi Fluffy, how's thing going today?

Will stop lurking and say I hope you are ok fluffy!

Hi on myphone so excuse slpellings. Off constants, feeling crap but am ok. My neck looks like shit which is depressong. Very snowy here x

Glad you're ok, well done, keep going. Sorry about your neck, hugs.

Hello Fluffy.
Sorry you are feeling crap. You neck will heal, have you any nice moisturiser to rub in to help it along?
Snow is falling here. Far more than forecasted, it never turned into sleet or rain like they reckoned. Can your DH make it through to visit you tonight?
Did you see the consultant the other day? Did they say anything of note or was it usual expected words?
Take care Fluffy x

Arnica is very good for bruising, maybe dh could get you some in a cream for your neck. It's snowing here too: hate it! X

Hello Fluffy
I'm sorry you're feeling so crap, I hope you feel better in yourself soon.
I'm sure your neck will heal in a few days and look much better - bruising is good like that.
Big hugs to you lovely xxx

Hi Fluffy, I'm away in a different country and still thinking of you all the time. I'll be checking in on you all the time, please keep posting!

Sorry for short messages at the moment, I am very very low. Feel like this is just endless and I am without hope for the future. So hard.

I know everyone is fed up with cutting me down, I am running out of clothes.

I feel shocking, really sick, my eyes hurt, my face is a mess, my neck is a mess. I just cannot imagine feeling any worse.

Howeever I will try to be positive. Nice staff on tonight. I have got a card for DH for Valentine's Day from Funky Pigeon and we are having a chinese here.

Many hugs for you lovely. xxx

I hope you and your DH have a lovely Chinese tomorrow.

Fluffy another rocking around your shoulders hug from me also.
So sorry to hear you are feeling so despairing . It must seem endless and awful.
Hold on dear lady please . Light after dark .dawn after night .
Your husband will be so pleased with your card . The love you both have is very evident from your mails . Stay safe tonight and sleep well . x

dear fluffy, sorry you are so unwell and suffering. i hope the staff are patient and caring with you today. i send my kindest thoughts to you.

Sending you big hugs, fluffy. I'm sorry things are so bad for you at the moment

I'm sorry too that things are so bad for you at the moment. Hope you feel better soon Fluffy xx

I hope you start to turn a corner soon fluffy

Hi fluffy,

I'm a lurker and have read your thread from the beginning as it reminds me a lot of what my mum went through when she was very ill. She believed people (god / Russian spies ) were sending her messages through the tv and adverts in newspapers.

She would see a advert with a woman dancing and think someone had been spying on her dancing and that's why they put it in the newspaper.

Things like that.

She was convinced the nurses were conspiring against her and I remember going to visit her at hospital as a child and having to "hide" from the nurses in the gardens of the hospital.

I am telling you all this because she got better. Yes it took a while and she had some very very dark times but gradually and with the help of a good psychologist she got so well she eventually (and I do mean eventually, not suddenly) was able to stop taking anti psychotic medications and has been medication free apart from antI depressants for the last 25 years. (She was ill for about 5 years).

I know it must be hard for you when you feel the nurses do not believe you with the signs from god but you are seeing these signs because you are not well. Put your faith in your dh and the nurses. Let them be your logic when everything is clouded. What is the worst that could happen? Because it seems to me you couldn't feel any worse. So trust others for you.

I won't be offended if you delete my post or find what I've said unhelpful.

I've suffered from social anxiety and severe pnd so I do understand to some extent how difficult it is competing with the inner voice. But you have to try and let the good things sing louder - your lovely dh, your colouring is amazing I'm sure you can do something when you get out, maybe even design knitwear or whatever you like... you are an intelligent, caring woman.

No one wants you to leave this place when you have so much to offer.

I hope you are okay tonight, look after yourself.

Had another crappy day, they found me twice this morning and ended up in seclusion which is basically a locked room with a bed, like a prison cell. The nurse sits on the outside and watches you and you are not allowed anything. I had tissues, a pillow, a sheet and a duvet and my lipbalm. They said I was too risky to be on the ward because I tried 7 times in 24 hours. Saw the Dr who took me out of seclusion after three hours. Said if I do anything else I will go straight back in.

I was so so upset. Just sobbed.

I am on constants for tonight then 15 minute Obs from tomorrow, but if they find me again I will go to seclusion again and maybe PICU.

Oh Fluffy, I am so sorry that you are struggling so much. I hope that you manage to get some rest tonight. Stay safe.

Oh lovely fluffy no-one wants you to die, no-one wants you to kill yourself, whatever the messages from God, and it must be just as awful for them as for you, having to cut you down please double-check the signs by seeing whether they are still the same when the meds have made you better, don't act on them for the time being.

Hello Fluffy

I agree with what Silvery has said. No-one wants you to die - everyone on this thread is willing you to live.

Please try and trust that the meds will work and things will get better. Please don't act on the impulses to kill yourself, your neck will begin to heal and you might start to feel better.

Big hugs to you lovely. We want you to live xxx

Hi Fluffy, I never post, always lurk. I have been following your thread and I just wanted to offer you any support, good vibes and virtual hugs that I can. Hang in there. You sound like such a lovely person, who is going through an unbearably rotten time. Let the meds do their thing, and hopefully soon, these overwhelming feelings will pass.

Hi fluffy I'm sorry things are so awful for you at the moment Big hugs, you can keep going.

Hi Fluffy, I've been reading this thread over the last few days and I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and I hope you are ok. If you can manage it perhaps a little post so we know you are doing alright?
Things will get better for you. Sending you lots of hugs.

Hey there - this is the worst bit, things will get better. You just keep on keeping on, we are all rooting for you.

I am so sorry you are feeling grim - improvements are round the corner, even tho you don't believe it.

Lots of hugs and all the very best for a quiet evening.

Quick post, my DH visited today and I saw my solicitor and my CPN. I am back on constants because I felt so unsafe. They have referred me to PICU today, hmm.

DH brought me a Chinese and some beautiful flowers last night.

Thanks for your kind thoughts

dear fluffy please trust that they are doing their best for you.

What was in the Chinese (am overly interested in food )? have a hug from me and give a hug to your lovely DH from me as well.

Hi fluffy I hope that people are helping today, take care.

Hi Fluffy, another lurker here. Do you have children or pets you can tell us about? We are getting a puppy soon. Never had a dog before. I suffer from depression and social anxiety which isnt touched by my meds and can be a real pain but I have read that getting a pet that needs me can really help with my feelings.

Hi.

I am waiting for my DH and his brother and his wife. I get on really well with my sil. We are having lunch here and a chat.

Still on con$tants.

I had sweet and sour pork with fried rice and prawn toast. I think dh has bought me a ham and cheese sandwich. My sil said she is bringing lots of chocolate!

I don't have children, which is a blessing I guess. I hope nobody minds me posting here without being a mum. I have been married for 4 years and we werethinking of ttc then I got poorly and it all went messy.

Ok dh us here will.post later x

Sweet and sour pork - my fave (the 'proper' deep fried sort, not the truly authentic stir fried thing) And also love cheese and ham, especially as a toastie.

Your Chinese sounds lovely, fluffy. I hope you enjoy your visit and the chocolate

I'm not a mum either and everyone has been lovely so I think we're okay xxx

Hi Fluffy. Glad to hear you had a nice Chinese and you have visitors today.

It really doesn't matter whether mn users have children or not in my opinion. It is such a good place to get support, particularly for MH issues. Maybe because sadly so many women (and men) begin to suffer after having children.

What chocolate did your sil bring you? Hope there was plenty of it!

Take care x

Hi fluffy, glad you had visitors today and I hope it cheered you up. Kids, no kids, we all need a place to feel listened to and mn can be that place (most of the time ) .

Hi fluffy, your lunch and company sound nice

Evening Fluffy
Hope you had a good afternoon with your DH ( he must have all the best takeaway menus!) and hope your SIL cheered you up and brought a lot of chocolate. Any mini eggs?

Hope you have a restful evening and a good sleep.

I have had another Chinese Fatty piggy.

I am sat in a quiet lounge watching Casualty and internetting.

That sounds good, fluffy, just watching TV can be quite restorative I find.

Fletch and Jess fluffy who would have thought

Hi fluffy,

I could have written this six years ago and will always bear the scars. It takes a long time but you can get through it. We are all here for you, and your colouring is amazing!

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you are still having a tough time of it. Having eaten nothing but junk myself this weekend, for once I am not jealous of your Chinese. What is the food there like?

dear fluffy i hope your DH, BIL and SIL may visit you today or phone today and you may have some caring staff to talk with. thinking of you.

Hello lovely

I hope you have a good day today. It's sunny here, I hope it's sunny for you too xxx

Hello

Very grey day today weather wise. I have played scrabble (got 420!) and chatted to staff. Watching some TV now on my laptop and relaxing. DH coming later, not having a great few days.

Hi fluffy. I'm glad you have some distractions. I'm sorry you're struggling

dear fluffy, i hope the staff are generous with their time and caring with you, and your DH comes today.

Hi fluffy. How are things, I've been thinking of you.

Having a terrible day. On constant obs but now they are not allowed to do anything with me, no Scrabble, no sitting talking to me, just be able to see me Had a horrid meeting. Feel like a fucking piece of meat that nobody can help.

Oh fluffy big hugs, it must be awful.

I'm so sorry Fluffy that sounds absolutely rubbish.

Big hugs to you xxx

How can that help you feel better?? Proper rubbish! Sorry they are not being more supportive. Wish I was there, I'm rubbish at scrabble but very good at chatting!

That is horrible Fluffy, how will that help you to get better? Poor you. I really hope they rethink that idea of theirs.
Can you play on your laptop? Hope you have something to entertain you.

Hi Fluffy. I'm quite new to Mumsnet and don't post much but have read all of this thread and really wanted to say a few things. It makes me so sad to hear what you're going through at the moment...please try and hold onto the hope that all these lovely people are giving you...because it's real. You DO have hope and you DO have a future. I know that you are seeing these signs and they are very real...I know because I've been there. I had signs which I believed were from God which I still can't fully understand today because they were so very real. But what I do know now is that they were not from God, because I do know that God is good and He does not torment people EVER. It is not in His nature to tell you to end your own life so you need to refuse to listen to these voices and signs...they are not from Him. Can you just hold onto that one truth? HE IS GOOD! And He loves you more than you could know. You will come out of this Fluffy...it may take a while but you have to hang on.

I really hope I haven't upset you with what I've said. I just can remember being in a similar place 6 years ago and I really can't believe I'm here to tell the tale. It was a living hell and I just wish I could pull you up out of that place right now. Your husband sounds absolutely wonderful by the way. Mine was also amazing throughout that awful time. We're lucky ladies! Please hold on and fight for that future you deserve together xxx

Did they say why they could talk to you or do anything with you fluffy ? What happened in your meeting ? I hope you have a better day tomorrow xx

xxx

Oh Fluffy, I really really hope tomorrow is better for you. Was your DH able to get to the meeting at all?

Hi Fluffy , just sending good wishes to you and a cyber hug .

Thinking of you, fluffy

On the odd time I was on constants in hospital, the staff only sat and watched you, as you've described. I hope today is a better day, and you can start to pick apart the meeting for yourself.

dear dear fluffy, you deserve much care and comfort- can your DH see you tomorrow (thursday)?

Hello fluffy, how's it going today, do you have visitors later?

Hi Fluffy, how are you doing? Hoping you are ok and the staff are being supportive. Have you seen your CPN recently? Hope they are looking after you really well.

Take care and thinking of you.

Hello Fluffy I hope you're okay today. Big hugs xxx

Hi.

Well the eating continues. Had a chicken (horse ;)) kebab last night with another patient. About to eat a prawn sandwich.

Rang DH in tears at 2am this morning, so very very sad.

Still in my PJs in bed see no point in doing anything.

Are you on anti-depressants, fluffy?

Am glad you did something with a fellow patient All the times I was in (4) talking to other patients when I felt well enough to do so, really helped. We all help each other...

Hey fluffy, how's things tonight? I really hope you've had some visitors and that you are feeling a little more settled.

I wonder if fluffy did get transferred to PICU, they might not allow internet access.

Thinking of you, fluffy

Fluffy hope you're okay and being looked after. Big hugs xxx

No I am here.

Just very low and nothing to say.

Watching TV and internetting and waiting for my friend to visit.

Fluffy been reading your thread & so sorry that you are going through such a horrible time.
I really hope you see brighter days soon and can get back to your life xx

Hi Fluffy I hope you enjoy your visit, and that you stop feeling so low soon.
Big hugs to you lovely xxx

Hello Fluffy
Hope your visit from your friend makes you smile a little.
Has it been a rotten week for you?

My best friend from my school days came to visit me today. 4 hr round trip - so thought I better take her out for lunch! It's trying to snow again here. Flurries then stops.

Thinking of you Fluffy.

I'm sorry you're so low fluffy

Morning fluffy, how're you feeling today? Hope you enjoyed your visit & had a good night & maybe feeling a bit better today. It's really snowing here this morning xx

Hi Fluffy I hope you've had a good day today. Big squeezy hugs xxx

Thinking of you, stick in there.

Oh Fluffy, I've been following your posts in this thread but havent posted before. Just wanted to say that I'm sorry things have been such a struggle for you. Your courage and determination shine through so much. As does the love between you and your DH.

I hope you are feeling a bit less sad today, and maybe even a bit more settled? Anyway, am thinking of you and sending you a gentle hug and some xx

Thinking of you Fluffy, and hoping things get better for you.

You sound like such a lovely, interesting and intelligent person from your posts.

<Not to mention your fab DH who arrives with the takeaways>.

((Hugs)) - so many people care about what happens to you. xxx

Morning fluffy.

Sorry things are so desperate still. As a pp said, your strength and determination through all this really shows through. Hope you are having a peaceful day and are managing to be kind to yourself. X

Hope you have visitors today fluffy

Watching TV and internetting.

I have eaten lots of Malteasers today.

Fed up fed up fed up.

I'm sorry you are so fed up

Poor you lovely xxx

so sorry you are fed up, mm malteasers pity I've just got back from shopping so too late to get some...

Is there anyone you feel up to talking to, just normal small talk type thing? I used to find it helped.

Another lurker here sending you my best wishes & positive thoughts. Stay safe lovely xx

Hope you're having a better day Fluffy. x

Still feeling poo.

Had ANOTHER kebab last night who knew that take aways delivered to psychiatric units.

Thank you for your kind thoughts, I really appreciate them

Me! I knew that When I was in, in 2003, some evenings we had supper (sandwiches and stuff) at 9pm provided by the hospital, followed by some of us ordering take away

Though last summer - no supper, and no one ordered take away I imagine we could have done though.

Ach so sorry you are feeling so bad Fluffy. So relieved that you are still with us and posting with your feelings though . And the humour is there x

Take aways must thrive on all of us up at night Fluffy . Hospital patients and staff /police / ambulance ....all who need some tasty food delivered whoever we are and where we are . Food is nice when you are bored and needing comfort .
So pleased that you are eating . Hold on . hold on .x

I was into dominos pizza when I was inpatient, it's crazy how little money you need if you club together.

Hi Fluffy
I dont post much but always check in to see how you are doing.
There are lots of us willing you on.
Sorry things still so difficult for you. Im another one who really admires your courage. Your lovely personality shines through in all of your posts.

Thinking of you tonight lovely lady. Hope you are maybe enjoying a good takeaway?? X

Hi fluffy thinking of you!

Hi Fluffy

If you get the chance, let us know you are ok. Hope you are ok ( and not hidden under a pile of takeaway menus).

Hi.

This is just a quickie. I am being transferred to PICU (psychiatric intensive care unit) at 2pm today. Feeling very very upset. I won't be allowed on my laptop there so I have not disappeared just gone somewhere else.

Why me?

Hi Fluffy

It will be alright, honestly it will. We will all be here rooting for you. loads of hugs and all warm wishes to you. See you again shortly, I hope. Take care.

Lots of luck fluffy, I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts (if ok). I know someone who found PICU very helpful, I hope the increased resources help you.

Big hugs, I hope you see this.

Hi Fluffy

I hope you get all of the care you need and deserve. Big, big hugs and much love to you. I will be thinking of you too and mentally cheering you on.

I hope you feel better in yourself soon.

Take care lovely xxxx

Lots of love Fluffy and we will see you back here soon. Take good care. Will be thinking of you x.

I fluffy, I know you won't get to see this message for a while but wishing you all the best, please come back and let us know how you are when you are able to x

Lurker here. Wishing you all the best and hope you'll soon start to feel better.
I'll be thinking about you.
Take care!!

Thinking of you Fluffy, hope it's not too awful and hope to see you back here soon.

Hi Fluffy - have been following your thread - hope PICU isn't too bad - am thinking of you x

Hi Fluffy - will be thinking of you - and we'll all be here waiting for you when you can post again x

Hello

I am back at the unit I was on before I went to PICU after 6 days on PICU. It was ok really, very restrictive but ok, the staff were nice and there was a girl I knew there so we played cards and watched TV all day really. I missed texting my DH loads though! You are not allowed to even get yourself a drink, but then tbh I don't mind people bringing me cups of tea!

I got back today and have been pretty shakey, I have been off constant obs for a week now, finding it hard though. I have some planned times on constants here now but not as much (like specific risky times of the day). Trying some different approaches to see what impact that has on me.

Changing my meds from sertraline to fluxoetine (sp) to see if that helps my twitchyness.

So we shall see! I wish I could say things were all better but they aren't but I am here and have had a lovely visit with DH which is positive I guess.

Hello fluffy good to 'see' you. It does sound like you have made progress. Glad different approaches are being tried. Hugs to you and to your lovely DH when you next see him.

Hello darling how lovely to 'see' you!

I hope the new meds start to work soon, they've been good for me in the past. It's a shame you have to get your own tea now, that doesn't sound bad at all...

I'm glad you had a good visit with your DH. Big, big squeezy hugs xxx

Hey Fluffy! It's good to see you again.

Glad you had someone to help you keep entertained. Missed you. Hope your DH gets to see you soon x

Hi Fluffy! It's really good to hear from you again. I'm glad you are able to smile, even if it is just online , and that you had a lovely visit with your DH. You sound a bit more upbeat than before, which is great. Keep us posted, we're all here x

Great to see you back Fluffy! I only logged to on to see how you were.

How the new approach will start to make a difference. x

Oh gosh, thank you for these kind messages. Had an up and down day today, finding it hard tonight but we shall see. The unit is so noisy which is unsettling for me.

I have mostly eaten chocolate, bought from ebay (so easy! too easy!) and cried. DH is visiting tomorrow (he doesn't come on Thursdays) and we are having Chinese. Trying to hold onto that thought to be safe. Easier said than done I guess.

Morning Fluffy, hope the unit was quit last night so you could get some rest. X

Morning Fluffy, lovely to have you back! Hope you had a restful night.

Morning g fluffy. I've just read through whole thread and posting you for first time. I can't really add to what others have said but I think you are remarkable and strong. Probably doesn't feel like it to you but you have such a battle on your hands and you are winning it.

I loved your pictures, think I might give it a go myself, bet it's really relaxing. Dh keeps telling me I need a hobby! Enjoy your Chinese tonight, dh made a macaroni cheese for us, not my favourite (too stodgy, much rather have Chinese ) but the kids love it.

Keep us posted, everyone really cares about you.

Afternoon fluffy, been thinking of you loads. I was sectioned onto a 3 last Wednesday.

Are you still on section snowy? Hope you are ok?

Section 3 means they can keep you for to 6 months, so I am unfortunately.

Snowy. Hope you have a peaceful weekend.

Oh I love macaroni cheese.

Had a bad few days, had a huge kick off tonight so ALL of my stuff has been taken out, lots of swearing and shouting from me Not my finest moment.

On constants until I go to sleep now.

Sorry about your section Snowy. Did they put you straight on a 3 or via a 2? I am on a 3.

Oh dear fluffy and you don't seem at all the sweary sort on here... Are the signs still there then? You only seem to have been on ADs - would you consider a mild dose of (say) olanzapine? I have been on this and it's quite gentle.

Straight on a 3 as I'm known to them.

I hope today is a better day for you fluffy hugs

Having not brilliant days. Tried to kill myself a few times, really struggling. Hard work. On constants until I go to sleep at the moment.

Ho hum.

aww fluffy - xxx

I'm sorry you're feeling so rubbish Fluffy. Big squeezy hugs xxx

Thinking of you, .fluffy

Thinking of you Fluffy. Hope today has been a little calmer for you.

Hope everything is going ok with you snowy

Nothing exciting to report here! I have tried a few times (and failed obv!!), had a big meeting about me yesterday, am staying on my Section for now and having some joint working from my CPN and key nurse here.

Feeling quite low (as usual) and very fed up! I have been writing to some friends which helps and I have quite the collection of cards now which is nice, I have a notice board in my room where I can put them up and my friend's little boys drew me some pictures. Have also spent some money on New Look online and M&S (bras!) to try and cheer myself up, oh and I painted my nails a very sparkly gold. At least if I feel shitty inside I can look ok on the outside?

ooh I need some new bras fluffy, was going to look on the bra-fitting thread where there is some better way of working out what size is needed (sorry, don't know which board) this may or may not be because I seem to have met someone nice

I do wish you could stop trying - however the rest of your news sounds good. What are the pix of?

dear fluffydressinggown, i hope you may have some good company with you through the day, if you feel like it, and your CPN and key nurse are understanding and helpful. it's good you feel like writing to friends and getting new clothes etc isn't it. hope you may have a calmer day.

The weather is miserable here today, rubbish.

I am having take away tonight and then DH will be away at the weekend which will be difficult. I have 2 hours accompanied leave now.

I tried to kill myself last night and was nearly successful. I am so tired of this crap.

Such a happy bunny ;)

Oh fluffy stay with DH and us please.

Where do you go on leave, and what are you having for take-away?

dear fluffy, are the CPN and key nurse with you? perhaps your DH will phone you through the weekend. enjoy your takeaway tonight. kind wishes.

Hello lovely I agree with others on this thread - please stay with us. Xxx Sending you muchb love, take care x

Fluffy I have been following your thread for so long but never posted. I wish I had before, because I want to tell you that I get it. I really do. And I am so sorry for your pain. <hugs you tightly>

Fluffy you stay in this world because you are worthy and loved very much by your husband and family . We care here also on Mumsnet a lot for your safety and recovery .
It is the illness speaking . Just stay with us please a day at a time.
The damp dark days dont help but spring is around the corner .....new life and beginnings and all brighter days . Hold on .

bassetfeet I second what you said.

HOLD ON

Message withdrawn by MNHQ.

Fluffy what Basset said. You are loved and deserve to live and be well. There are lots of us who care for you here. xxx

Sorry bumping have reported your last post, the one with the link. PM if you want.

Thanks for your kind words, not having a great day so won't add much!

Best wishes Fluffy we are all thinking of you.

Hello Fluffy. Just get through the days, it will get better. Honestly. Take care x

Thank you Silvery

Just checking in to say hi, fluffy and send you a hug.

Hello.

I am currently painting my toenails and fingernails! Very exciting ;) It feels a bit springy here today (FINALLY).

Nothing to add really. Just ploughing through.

OOh get you Fluffy-glam-nails.
Are you as patient with your nail painting as you are with your colouring in?

Springy is good and am jealous of glam nails. Mine are a disaster area. x

sending you kind thoughts fluffy

Thinking of you fluffy

Hello fluffy, I have read the entire thread. Just wanted to say hello and I do hope you feel better soon.

By the way I loved your colouring in. I do it when I am anxious, this year we had a colour it in yourself advent calendar.

Well. I have four hours accompanied LEAVE with DH so will be leaving the unit tonight for a bit. Yay

On the negative side. I ligatured last night and as they found me I passed out and as I did I and smacked my face along the corner of a tiled wall and so I have bruising all down my face and a black eye. Sexy times.

Very frustrated with my progress and struggling with feeling like such a massive stupid useless failure.

Leave sounds brilliant Fluffy, I hope you have fun.

Big hugs to you xxxx

Enjoy the 4 hrs.

We went to Sainsburys and MacDonalds.

I bought a cardigan and some chocolate and lots of cigs. Marvellous.

Had a tough night but still here I am seeing my CPN this afternoon.

Wearing some very nice stripey leggings today which oddly has cheered me up a bit.

That sounds like a good outing

What colour cardi? What colour stripey leggings? as am too old for stripey leggings - would look like weird old woman...

I think I am too old tbh, they are sort of a red stripey Aztec pattern from New Look in the sales. Cardi is sort of multicoloured chunky knit (I am selling it I know!)

I figure a mental hospital is the place to be experimental with fashion ;)

You're never too old for red aztec x

I have carefully nutured an <ahem> eccentric persona over the years. Perhaps now is the time to trade on it even more than I do already and go for Aztec stripey leggings.

So a cardi of many colours, then. But what colours? <persistent>

a nice break for you with your DH, fluffy

Back on constants. Blah Was supposed to go out with DH tomorrow but leave cancelled when on constants.

Why am I so very stupid.

Sorry you need to be back on constants, though glad they are keeping you safe, dear fluffY.

<ahem> Cardi colours? <persistent, especially knowing your eye for colour>

I will try and take a picture when I wear it, it is sort of cream multicoloured chunky thingy.

I have seen my DH today, feel a bit flat really. Hmm.

Hard to explain.

Don't worry too much about feeling a bit flat or even bored. You have been going through a lot, and apart from anything probably need a rest from stuff.

That is a good point actually. I am knackered. It is so hard, I feel quite upset today I think and I am concious that constants are a bit of an unrealistic bubble, I have to deal with all of this shit again. Ho hum.

In Aztec leggings again (I have a link this time: www.boohoo.com/invt/azz50435/?cm_sp=wear_with_peerius-_-product_detail_azz50435 these)

DH brought the guinea pig in today, verrrry cute and gorgeous.

Hi Fluffy, sorry to hear you are feeling so tired and glum today. (I've nc'd since posting before). I'm jealous of the guinea pig though! And your leggings are fab. Hope you have a better night tonight.

Hi Fluffy, hope you're feeling a little better. x

Thanks for your kind words

Off constants. Feeling very frustrated and grumpy with everything. HMPH!!

I'm glad to hear you're off constants fluffy - sorry to hear you're frustrated and grumpy.

I hope you wake up tomorrow morning feeling less meh. Big squeezy hugs xxx

Still thinking of you Fluffy.

Hope the past few days have been a little easier. x

I have not posted for a bit because tbh there is nothing much to say

Same old same old. On and off constant observations (currently on as of this morning).

I had my hair cut yesterday so I look like me again and had a little sneaky shop which was marvellous. Have two Easter Eggs. Loads of lovely lovely cards on my notice board. The blingingest ever phone cover, have done lots of internet shopping so lots of nice clothes.

When I am not on constant obs I can have 4 hours out of the hospital accompanied by DH so we have been out a few times.

Hmm. I am pretty worn down and tired these days. I am still suicidal and acting on it a fair old bit (hence the constant obs). I am sleeping ok and eating ok. Things with DH are good, well as good as they can be, he is being so supportive and amazing. I sobbed and sobbed yesterday and he just said "I will never give up on you." Lovely lovely.

I wish I could post and say it was getting better or I was better but the reality is that things are awful and I have never felt so low or so sad. I suppose for now I get through each day and go from there.

Hi Fluffy - just found your thread. Sorry you're still feeling bad, have you got anything nice planned to do with DH when you're allowed leave? I used to go to the cinema and leave the baby with the nurses (mother and baby unit).

Have they offered any talking therapy?

It is possible to be where you are, and get better.

How are you Schezerade? I hope you are feeling much better.

I have lost all my leave again because I am back on constants, hard to see a way forward. I was thinking about the cinema though, will discuss with DH, most of the staff won't take me out and DH is not always keen.

Apparently the staff have bought creme eggs so I will indulge shortly.

'[DH said] I will never give up on you" - <wipes away a surreptitious tear>

There isn't much to do in a psych hosp, but it does sound like you are doing what you can.

Um very well thank you, its been a year since my admission (13th March - 10th June), I'm being transferred from peri natal to adult CMHT which will be interesting. Couldn't praise current team enough.

Last year the children's ward got too many eggs donated so sent us some, only babies can't have chocolate! So I ended up with 4!!

Maybe have a look at what films are coming out, see if there's anything you'd like to go with DH to watch?

I'm**

Oh I am so happy you are better, my CMHT is amazing so hopefully yours will be.

DH has visited and we had a Chinese (chicken fried rice and spring rolls) and brought me two massive Easter eggs. Had a big cry with him, finding things so hard, feel like such a massive failure sometimes. Most times.

Nice staff on tonight and watching Grease.

You are the complete opposite of a failure, because you are still here, fighting harder than anyone has ever fought in their life.

Not looking good so far, the team didn't turn up to my transfer meeting! My CPN sent them a really arsey letter saying she had been trying to call them, had left messages they've not responded to etc... Looks like I'll just have to get pregnant and stay with the perinatal team

Enjoy a nice cup of tea, some choc and a film.

I'm staying with ILs as DP been away with work, SIL lives here and is an absolute nightmare spoilt brat teenager...only she's not a teenager, she's 22! Driving me insane!

You are so nice. I am so not fighting. Hence the constants, because I have totally given up on myself and making any attempts to be safe. No energy.

Ugh at SIL. Hope your DH is home soon

It is quite shit isn't it.

DP back, but DS (18mo) so happy to see him that he wouldn't go to bed! So DP had to go lie down with him in our bed. I think we can let him off for tonight

Are you on the acute ward and off PICU now? What are the other patients like? Any good food to scoff in the patient kitchen? The MBU had a great kitchen, had cake and bics and loadsa good stuff.

Yes been on the normal ward for three weeks now, back where I was last spring/summer, (no laptops in PICU). I have gone downhill recently though and PICU has been mentioned again

Other patients ok, lots of people on leave over the bank holiday so it has been settled. Quite a few psychotic/manic people but there are people I can chat to so it is ok. There is a woman who doesn't like me but that is life I guess.

I don't eat hospital food at all (OCD) so I wouldn't know

Hello Fluffy like Scheherezade said, you are absolutely not a failure. You sound like a lovely person and you are dealing with a lot.

Massive hugs to you lovely, I hope that PICU won't be necessary. xxx

fluffy I so relate to feeling like a failure. But just because you feel like a failure does not mean you are one - it is the illness talking, and then that feeds back into the illness.

Sometimes, even most times, is not the same as all the time, so I was heartened by your choice of words.

How about giving up on fighting the psychiatric help, rather than giving up on ignoring the signs? Hope that doesn't sound too glib or harsh.

warm wishes to you and DH

I have now watched the same Elvis DVD 7 times, grrr.

I am not feeling brilliant today, tomorrow is a difficult day for me and so I think that is on my mind.

I saw DH today which was nice and there have been nice staff on.

If you have a laptop, could you get lovefilm? Think we pay £5pm AMD unlimited online streaming

And*

Hello Fluffy

I feel for you with the Elvis DVD. You're a better woman than me watching it 7 times

I hope tomorrow isn't as bad as you fear, it's always horrible to be anxious about what's coming up.

Much love to you Fluffy xxx

When I was in in 2003, I lost count of the times I heard the Emanem album which was then current - belonged to another patient and she played it over and over. Luckily most times I heard it I quite enjoyed it...

Do you feel up to reading? although usually the choice in hospital is dire but - DH could buy a book

Or netflix

Have cried a bit today.

Netflix/love film are a no go because my internet is not always very reliable. DH has been putting films on my computer for me.

I have a Kindle but rarely feel like reading these days. Played a bit of Scrabble and watched TV mostly. DH coming later on.

Seeing Dr later, bit nervous.

Good luck fluffy, thinking of you.

Well I am still on constants.

My DH visited and as he left another patient assaulted me so all a bit stressful.

Hmm.

Oh fluffy I'm sorry to hear that, what a shit day. I hope you're bearing up?

Big hugs xxx

Slightly better day today, still on constants but ok. Seen DH and had a good cry. Quite tired with everything.

Have a nice bruise on my leg from being kicked yesterday.

A good cry with your DH around sounds quite therapeutic.

So sorry to hear you were assaulted, but so glad to hear today was a bit better. Keep on keeping on, dear fluffy

Just some for you fluffy . Hope today ok.

Thank you kizzie

I am seeing the Dr tomorrow to review my constants, not sure how I feel, sometimes I feel like I have to be positive when I am constants, like, it is hard enough for the staff to spend time with me without me whinging.

Beaten DH at Scrabble, watched Masterchef, now watching Celebrity Juice. My Mum sent me some nice new PJs so I am wearing them.

Hope meeting with Dr goes ok tomorrow.
I LOVE having new PJ's. Even better - new pj's on the radiator first. Im easily pleased

Hi Fluffy

Just de lurking to let you know not a day goes past when I don't check in on you. I think you are incredibly brave and courageous, a real inspiration.

Hope the sun is shining with you, it is here

Hello lovely

I hope your appt with the Dr goes well today.

Big hugs and x

Thank you for your lovely words It has been very sunshiney here today, I have been wearing shoes not boots!!

Off constants, had some leave, went out with a nurse and bought loads of new things for the unit which was nice.

Nothing like a little bit of retail therapy to make a girl x

Hi Fluffy! it's vacuuming here, I've namechanged! I was so delighted to find your thread again as it had fallen off 'threads I'm on' and last time I went rooting for it your were in PICU! Your DH sounds amazing, don't you go giving up on him either. I've found a new obsession, bloody candy crush on Facebook! Lovely weather here today, feels all springy!

Mixed day really, had a terrible night last night had to be restrained Had a good chat with the nurse today though, she said she thought there had been a shift in me.

Went out to Tesco last night and had a Burger King.

Back on constants tonight though, too many attempts to be safe alone.

Hoping you have a peaceful night Fluffy. Watching my most favourite film ever, Pulp Fiction. Tomorrow is another day. X

Hello lovely

I'm sorry you had a bad night, I hope you sleep better tonight.

Big hugs xxx

Had a more peaceful night but woke up with a cold. DH visiting later.

Watching Irish Don't Tell the Bride.

hope you may have a calmer week fluffy; your DH is a gem.

Full of cold, feeling sick thinking about seeing the Dr today, PICU seems like it could be a possibility. None of the options are great

I'm sorry Fluffy, I hope whatever happens with the Dr is the most helpful for you. Huge squeezy hugs xxx

I hope you get the least worse option. Thinking of you.

I am still full of cold and sulking big style.

I saw Dr yesterday, am now on 30 minute obs and have been told that if I do anything I am straight into seclusion and then into PICU for a lengthier stay. Pretty shit.

Been told I will not be coming off my Section soon as well, I have an appeal on the 17th but not sure whether I will do it. We shall see.

Feel very tired today. Went out last night which was Ok.

I suppose, if I disappear you might have an idea of what has happened. I will avoid being too dark, so will say that if I am not around you know I might well be in PICU sans internet.

fluffy, I usually lurk but wanted to say hello today.
The good news is that the Dr didn't put you straight into seclusion or PICU, so must feel that it is not an immediate need and is just possibly something that you can control?
Are you doing any of your beautiful colouring? I do jigsaws when I need some space, but I get very cross if anyone tries to "help"
I hope you get some peaceful nights and be assured there are many many people here looking out for your posts and wishing you well.
x

Hello lovely

I'm glad you didn't go straight into PICU, it sounds like you had the least worst option yesterday.

Big squeezy hugs Fluffy. If you do go into PICU we'll still be waiting here when you get out xxx

Thinking of you fluffy, good luck

Thank you for your kind replies.

I have had a beautiful nap this afternoon, I never ever nap so it was lovely.

Yes I do still colour in and I do do jigsaws. I am doing a gigantic winnnie the pooh one at the moment, very, very, slowly though.

Just trying to get through each half an hour. Feel sick about everything at the moment, it all feels so hard and so scary.

Hope you're getting through the hours, big hugs.

Glad you had a nap, sleep can be a refuge as well as a restorative.

Thanks for your helpful comments. I am not a kid and I am not misbehaving. You have no idea what goes on for me, the staff dont trust me even when I do nothing because of my history and because my capacity and control fluctuates. Discharge us not on the cards at all and that has been made clear to me.

Had a tough few days but still here, still sad. Just trying to get through the days.

Resurrection - what a nasty, unnecessary comment. I have reported it.

Fluffy - please ignore that. You sound a lovely person and I really hope that you carry on making progress.

Resurrection - why are you on a ward then? Why don't you just ' pull yourself together' and go home and leave a bed for those who need it?! Comments like these make people scared to admit they're ill.

Fluffy- I regularly check your thread, I'm currently struggling and never have much advice. It is hard for other people to understand, I don't get it myself why I want to SH/od so much, I expect you don't either. Take care