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It's too hard

(175 Posts)
GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 19:29:15

I'm sorry, finding every day a struggle and thinking I can't see a future. There's no point in anything I do. I try my best for dd but I do ok for a bit then it all goes wrong. I can't deal with the whinging, maybe she would be ok with someone else.

I was just driving on the motorway, was driving too fast, on verge of tears, and really wishing someone would crash into me. Dd was in the car and I wouldn't want anything to happen to her, but she was asleep and it was like she wasn't there.

Been crying too much recently, getting too fat, being irritable and distant with family, I just don't want to carry on anymore. Going back to work on Monday, the anxiety is making me feel worse, I know tomorrow I'm going to be dreading it so much. Thinking of not going, handing me notice in, not really caring what happens. I can't cope with it.

I don't feel right, I can't think straight. I feel so tense.

Ahhhcrap Sat 05-Jan-13 19:35:54

Didn't want to leave this unanswered. You sound so much like my friend a few years ago, had the same conversation about a time she was driving on the M6. I would suggest you go and talk to your GP, she did and is now happy...

BloominMarvellous Sat 05-Jan-13 19:41:01

Oh GracieLoo you don't have to go through this alone. Please go and see your GP.

I have been where you are. I still am to be honest but I can see a light at the end of my tunnel. I find every day a chore and can't see the point in anything.

Mine is because of PTSD and severe anxiety. I am now receiving therapy for the PTSD and I am taking AD's for the anxiety and depression.

One day at a steps and you will come through it.

Whilst you are in the frame of mind please don't make any rash decisions such as quitting work. If when you are feeling better you still dread going in then look at working elsewhere. I found that my depression makes everything look shit when in reality it was my illness not work.

Please use MN as much as you can. I lurk a lot and it really does help me.

susanann Sat 05-Jan-13 19:51:46

didnt we speak before? So sorry youre still suffering. You must go to your GP and get some help. I agree with bloominmarvellous. Take care Gracie

GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 20:27:34

I'm under a mental health team, on a low dosage ad, as have tried four different ones and none have helped. It was my choice to lower the dose and they agreed, I could increase it but what's the point if they think medication won't help anyway.

I see a sw every week and on the waiting list for group therapy. This is why I can't do this. I'm struggling more and more, repeating myself to the sw each week but there is nothing else that can be done. I get so low, i'm on my own to deal with this. It is starting to affect dd as she's not a baby anymore and is aware, I keep thinking of the tablets in my drawer, of an old washing line I have somewhere. When i'm sobbing I just picture stabbing myself. I'm honest with the sw, but she says to think of my responsibilities. I can't!

What help is there, I know I could call out of hours, but I think I appear calm and wouldn't be taken seriously. I also don't want my family to know, i'm too ashamed. So it's my fault I feel so close to losing it, and I think I could soon, because i'm too scared to ask for help.

susanann Sat 05-Jan-13 20:43:46

you shouldnt feel ashamed. I really urge you to tell your family. Im sure they will help. Also I think you would be taken seriously if you call out of hours, you dont have to sound emotional to be ill. Also why did you ask to lower your dose of ADs? PLEASE ASK FOR HELP GRACIE! For your dds sake if nobody else.

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 20:50:03

Is your DD with you this weekend?

GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 20:55:52

Yes she is, please don't think badly of me, I already hate myself.

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 21:01:08

I dont think badly of you.
We have been talking on here for about 6 months now, on and off.
I know you struggle from time to time, and do your best for your DD.

First things first.
Have you taken your medication as prescribed, in the last few days?

susanann Sat 05-Jan-13 21:02:32

We dont think badly of you hun. Were just worried about you!

BloominMarvellous Sat 05-Jan-13 21:03:54

Nobody thinks badly of you. I used to hope I would get run over on my way to work or break my leg falling down the stairs just to avoid work and the outside world.

I have so many people around me and still feel alone.

Has your GP ever suggested CBT? There will be a waiting list on the NHS but it will give you some coping techniques and will help get to the bottom of why you feel like this.

Also talk to your GP about the anxiety, I take propanalol as well as ADs because the ADs did nothing for the physical feelings of anxiety. It was the feeling sick and the heart palpitations that made things harder to cope with. The propanalol helped massively with this.

GracieLoo Sat 05-Jan-13 21:26:17

I'm so confused by everything, finding simple things too difficult. Will try to answer your questions. I wanted to lower ad's as wasn't feeling much better, and was worried i was putting on weight. I know being bigger is better than feeling suicidal, but I still can't see I should be on them, I want to know what i.m like without them, obviously not great. I am taking them but it is a low dose, and not at the same time every day. Feel i'm risking it purposely and I don't know why! Feel i'm giving up on trying to get better, living, fighting this. I don't know if I can fight this much longer.

Have tried some CBT, and that might be what i'm on the waiting list for as a group? Apparently my problems are deep rooted, my dad killed himself when I was a child. I think i'm the same as him. Sometimes I just want to be with him.

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 22:00:47

Oh heck Gracie.
I did wonder whether the not taking them properly was on some level deliberate in some way.

Also did think that the death of your dad had to have impacted you in some way.
Which of the people who are helping you, suggested that to you?

amillionyears Sat 05-Jan-13 22:16:26

Did anyone help you at all, when it happened?
If I am remembering correctly, you were 10 when it happened?

No one is the same as anyone else btw.

Big hugs GracieLoo.

And only talk on here if you want to about it, and when you are ready.

or you can pm me if you wish to.

GracieLoo Sun 06-Jan-13 19:45:41

I don't know how I'm going to cope with getting up early and working for ten hours putting on a front. I haven't got the energy. Been dreading it all day.

amillionyears Sun 06-Jan-13 20:16:49

Just a thought.
Is this time of year near your dads birthday or when he died?

sparkle101 Sun 06-Jan-13 20:34:42

Hi gracieloo,

My dad killed himself when I was 11. The stance I have taken is that I will not put anyone through that pain. When dd was newborn I suffered with quite severe pnd. Severe enough that I held a knife to my wrist. When it came down to it I just couldn't do it. I couldn't put my dd through what I went through.

Just a thought with the weight. Would it not be a good idea to keep on prescribed dose of ad and then when feeling more in control go on a diet or get some exercise. I had a few months of intensive counselling a few years ago, got myself to a good place and lost four stone, but it was total baby steps, don't try to be all things to all people and do everything all at once.

amillionyears Sun 06-Jan-13 21:00:48

I did find this which you may find useful?

piratecat Sun 06-Jan-13 21:03:25

i suffer long term depression, and i would not be lowering my dose. it's there to help. it can help. really it can. xxxxx

GracieLoo Sun 06-Jan-13 22:20:11

Btw it is coming up to his birthday, but I always tell myself anniversaries don't affect me. I didn't have any professional help when it happened. I know it must be hard to understand how I could think about doing to dd what he did to me, but in a way I understand why he did it, and she is younger. God, I can't believe the thoughts I have! I want to curl up and not face anybody. Dreading walking into work with a smile on my face.

amillionyears Sun 06-Jan-13 22:38:47

Anniversaries affect everyone GracieLoo.
I think everyone should be offered professional help in these circumstances.
I hope you get the help soon. Hopefully it should help you out a lot.
Meanwhile I should keep to the correct dose to help too.

GracieLoo Mon 07-Jan-13 07:55:09

Sat outside work trying not to cry. Want to turn round and go to the safety of my bed

noraa Mon 07-Jan-13 09:19:48

be strong gracieloo sad
you will do it, you can.
do it for your dd, there are nice things in life.
if others can do it, of course you can.

GracieLoo Mon 07-Jan-13 21:35:33

Minds racing, hearts racing. Can't concentrate on tv, avoiding talking to anyone this eve. Tried having a bath with lavender, but hasn't really worked. Feel I'm thinking too much and I have imaginary conversations in my head. Think no one likes me, and I'm getting fatter and uglier. I ramble a bit on here as just put whatever is in my head, so sorry. I could take a diazepam for evenings like this, but I would be most eves and they're addictive. Now getting palpatations, ears are buzzing, and I know dd is asleep in her room but it feels like I'm alone, feel so alone in my head and no one understands me or can help me.

amillionyears Mon 07-Jan-13 21:39:41

When did you last have a diazepam?
Have you had the pills you were supposed to have today?

GracieLoo Thu 10-Jan-13 14:06:34

Just saw my care coordinator and she's leaving. I don't know how to cope. I keep crying, feel so stupid.

amillionyears Thu 10-Jan-13 14:25:09

Thats a shame. She seemed good.
How long have you had her?

GracieLoo Thu 10-Jan-13 16:07:28

Almost a year, similar thing happened this time last year and set me back. Hate being so reliant and the way it makes me feel. Got a sudden feeling of complete despair, kept crying so thought I'd get dd out, she fell asleep so I drove crying to GP surgery to make an appt for next week. Receptionist looked at me and made an appt then it was really quiet, but dd woke up so I arranged it for the morning.

So now sat in a meds induced daze in a soft play place, thinking what's the point in all this. I crumble at the slightest thing and feel I'm only just hanging on.

amillionyears Thu 10-Jan-13 17:56:21

It is a tough time of year for you.
Have they mentioned you getting a new care coordinator?

GracieLoo Thu 10-Jan-13 18:30:10

Yeah I will be, but everything feels so pointless! Feeling so empty and emotionless now. Losing the will..

GracieLoo Thu 10-Jan-13 21:15:51

Why can't I accept these things happen? I get so upset by people leaving, I feel abandoned and everything has been a waste of time. I am getting urges to od which is scaring me. But I also feel relief when I think about what it would be like to escape.

amillionyears Thu 10-Jan-13 21:31:48

To you feel abandoned because you feel that your dad left you?

I have to be careful here, as I am not medically trained at all.
I am guessing that when someone leaves, even if you really know that it is not personal, and they are just moving on from their job, it triggers the feelings you got when your dad left?

Why do you think that her help has been a waste of time Gracie?

GracieLoo Thu 10-Jan-13 22:14:59

She's done her job fine, it's just me that's failed by struggling again. I can't go through life like this, but I'm too scared to end it, even though the thoughts are there a lot. I don't know what I have to say to the professionals, or what help there is? I know if I carry on like this I can end up in day hospital again, but that was a waste of time, and think they would be reluctant to do that. But when I'm scared of my own mind maybe I do need more help.

amillionyears Thu 10-Jan-13 22:29:56

GracieLoo you so have not failed.
We all get disappointed sometimes, and have down days. They are normal. Each time that happens, that is not a failure.
It is very natural to be upset that your nice care coordinator is leaving. You have seen her a lot and she was nice, and you liked her, and she was helpful.

Back2Two Thu 10-Jan-13 22:33:23

Sorry that I've never read your posts before, but, as one who has suffered with severe depression and considered drastic measures previously I'd say, on reading this thread I would say UP Your AD dose as soon as possible. Stop listening to the voice telling you to test yourself, see how you do on a low dose, or just be strong ....*take the correct dose* and you'll see that the testing sentiments are all a part of depression. You don't need to prove a bloody thing, or do anything without help (meds). Take the meds and then see where your real strength is...the strength that tells you your dd needs you and you killing yourself is no escape for her at all. I don't know what happened to your dad, but I'm sorry. Don't repeat some awful pattern. She DOES need YOU and you have a responsiblity to her. That's what your life is all about right now. Embrace it.

GracieLoo Fri 11-Jan-13 22:15:29

My heads in two places, all I can think about is getting drunk and taking pills. But I know dd needs me. I do my best for her but sometimes I think she'll do better with my mum. It can't be good to be brought up by a depressed mum.

amillionyears Fri 11-Jan-13 23:21:23

I dont think it could ever be better for her if you were not around.

A while back when I felt like you do, I read on the MIND website that children whose parent commits suicide don't often do well. Children with a depressed parent by comparison do OK. I remind myself of that when I'm having a bad day. I really hope it helps you to. Be kind to yourself.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 12-Jan-13 15:55:58

You are having thoughts - I suspect your mind is doing the best it can for you by considering all options. I have had thoughts too, but always knew that they just meant I wanted to be better, and managed to change thoughts so that they became thoughts of fast forwarding to a time when things were better.

Suicidal ideation is not the same as being suicidal. But having them is a mental health emergency. When one is used to putting on a calm face, it can be hard to convince the gatekeeper receptionist that it is an emergency, but I have done it for MH problems (possible hypomania), so if you need to don't be afraid to insist on emegency appointment.

My depression, sad to say, had a lot to do with hating work (and much to do with an abusive relationship too). My MH led to me leaving work several times, I am lucky in that could survive financially without, with that proviso I am sure that my MH led me to act in a way that ended in an improvement in my MH (as did my divorcing EX!!)

It all seems endless, doesn't it? You may need to try another med? [hugs] and warm wishes.

GracieLoo Sat 12-Jan-13 17:11:43

When I'm having a better day I can understand it's just thoughts, and I need to be here, and I try to think of something I'm looking forward to. But then it can all come crashing down and life seems so pointless. The more bad days I have, the harder it is to fight them. I get scared that I can't cope with the bad thoughts, and the crying fits I have are horrible as I can't stop.

I've spent the afternoon in bed, just because I could, and it was nice to hide away for a bit and not face anything. But now I have plans to go to a friends for the night, for food and wine, but I'm even struggling to have a shower. I want to cancel but I can't, and I'm thinking I could go for a bit, then drive home and take tablets as it's starting to take over my life and i feel too desperate. Things feel harder knowing my cc is leaving, my heads saying people leave because of me, as same thing happened with a HV.

amillionyears Sat 12-Jan-13 18:01:43

We and you ,need you to have many more good days than you seem to be having lately.

Are you still on the 75mg, and taking them when you should?
Because if you are, I dont think the dose is high enough.
I know you wanted to gradually wean yourself off them, but I dont think you are ready yet. Or, perhaps you need a higher dose at this time of year, as it is not the best time of year for you, is it.

You may need to be at a higher dose around now, and can manage on a lower dose in a few months time.

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 00:20:02

I'm scared, and confused of what's going on in my head! Too scared, feel i shouldn't be here

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sun 13-Jan-13 00:47:18

Can you either let your thoughts sing what they have to say to you in a gentle way, or let the thoughts fly over your head somehow (the second is the thing I usually manage when I have suffered from intrusive thoughts.

Horizontal rest is important even if you find it hard to get to sleep...

amillionyears Sun 13-Jan-13 15:28:45

Hi Gracie
I havent forgotten you. Just be feeling a little unwell. Should be able to post again soonish I am hoping.

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 15:36:54

amillionyears hope you are feeling ok

amillionyears Sun 13-Jan-13 17:31:31

Feeling a bit better for the minute.
How are things today.

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 19:18:32

Been thinking lots, and starting thinking of the actual way I would do it. It's taking over, if I'm driving I imagine crashing, if I see an ambulance I imagine being in it, I hear of something happening later in the year, and I think I may not be around then. It's not nice. Then found out today dd's dad and partner are having a baby, making dd a big sister, something I feel bad about. I wish I could be the one to give her a sibling, got visions in my head of them as a perfect family, and she'll get everything she should have with them - normality, making coming home to me even worse.

amillionyears Sun 13-Jan-13 19:31:12

GracieLoo, I think when you are feeling a bit better, you may think that actually it will be nice for DD to have a baby sister, even if it is from her dad.
You will always be her mum, and she is going to love you.And want to come home to you.

GracieLoo, when is the next time you see a health professional?

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 19:36:28

Wed or thurs, can't remember. Feeling gutted. I know it's selfish. Just feel I'm not meant to be here.

MumOfMissy Sun 13-Jan-13 19:57:00

Please reach out for more help from your friends and family. Not telling them makes you feel more alone and cut off. You'll find that when u confide in people instead of putting on a front that lots of them are very sympathetic and have often had depression themselves. Your DD will also benefit from being around people who are smiling and interacting with her, my HV told be its important for baby's development (not sure how old your LO is?). My sis is in very similar situation MH wise. This time around instead of hiding it she was honest with people and has been amazed how accepting and supportive they've been. Please also tell work how down u are feeling. I think work may help distract your mind from the bad thoughts. The more active u are and more u get out the better you'll feel. CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) can work wonders. As can the right meds. Don't worry about your weight at the moment, just focus on getting your head straight first. IMHO no point taking lower dose as u won't really benefit. I'm so sorry u are feeling like this. Remember if u need them the Samaritans are always there to listen 24/7. This WILL pass and life will bring good things to you again. Don't give up, don't be tainted by the past. Your daughter loves you. Sending u positive thoughts and love xxx

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 22:07:38

I have got so used to hiding things from family and friends it would be so hard to open up. I'm just not like that, I've always kept things to myself. However there are a couple of friends, who I don't know as well, but they know I struggle and have said they are there if I need to talk. So I've texted them earlier and not heard back. I know they could be busy, have their own lives etc, but this is why I don't like reaching out. I end up feeling embarrassed, hurt and even more alone when I get ignored. I now feel I'm too needy, scared to go to bed then face tomorrow. It's too much, every week is just horrible. And I've been taking meds properly. I've felt less irritable but more depressed?!

amillionyears Sun 13-Jan-13 22:19:10

That is an interesting post you have just written GracieLoo.
First of all, well done, for keeping to your meds.

I dont know if you think they should be increased by your GP?
What do you think?

Am just starting to wonder, or realise that, aside from the depression,
you are a very gentle, tender soul. And get naturally hurt easily.
So perhaps we need to make you a bit tougher emotioanally.
Wont be able to start that tonight, but perhaps MN can help you with that part of your personality if you want us to.

GracieLoo Sun 13-Jan-13 22:30:22

I'll have to speak to cc about the meds, then she'll have to speak to psychiatrist. I care too much about what people think about me, I hate being judged by being a single mum, or that my job isn't that great, or that I've put on weight and people talk about me. I feel people don't like me much, or say bad stuff about me, including friends and health professionals. I dread work because of this too. I'm praying it snows badly so I can't go in. I want the mess in my head to go away, then I can have a normal life and maybe find someone who'll love me. But my head is staying a mess, and life is getting harder every day and I seriously don't know what to do. Ending it is the easy way out.

MumOfMissy Sun 13-Jan-13 23:27:30

It was brave of you to text your friends. Part of depression is always assuming the worst, maybe they were out, busy, phone on silent or just holding off till they think what to reply. The best people to tell though are the people who know you best and care most about you. Why are u afraid to open up? If they know the score, they can help support you more and lighten the burden you are feeling. Please don't keep going through this without their love and support. Aside from that, this may sound strange but although all of us on here want to help you, you must above trust and heed the advice of the professionals. Counselling a person through depression requires great skill. I highly recommend CBT. We done with your meds, you may feel worse or numb on them before feeling better, keep going. And please try to remember that your horrible thoughts are the illness talking and not the 'real you', and the feelings that people don't like you are not true. Again CBT can help with these negative assumptions. Please, please confide in those closest to you and let them help you. I wish you all the best. I'll pop back here again and see how you are. I have to sign off now, baby waking. ((Hugs)))

MumOfMissy Sun 13-Jan-13 23:28:36

*Should say "well done with your meds"

lizba Mon 14-Jan-13 14:00:43

Hi, how are you feeling today? Thinking about you and hoping you've got some help - let us know how you are

GracieLoo Mon 14-Jan-13 21:44:56

Thanks everyone for taking time to respond to my ramblings. I'm scared to worry my family, i would feel they would always treat me differently, talk about me, and not completely understand how I could feel like this when I've got a healthy dd.

Feeling more and more detached, more scared, less able to distract myself. Managed work today, but was so desperate for the day to end. Getting anxious about getting a new cc as well.

GracieLoo Mon 14-Jan-13 22:05:22

Also my friends still haven't replied, I know I shouldn't have told them I felt bad about dd's dad and partner having a baby, they don't care and I don't expect them to. That's all I said, not that I have plans in my head about how I would end it! I have no one to tell that, apart from on here!

amillionyears Mon 14-Jan-13 22:18:56

does your mum know how you truly feel about things?

GracieLoo Mon 14-Jan-13 22:35:46

No. Getting anxious every night about going to bed and having to wake up in the morning.

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 13:20:05

Having a bad day. Cried before work and broke down when I got there, so embarrassed, didn't want anyone to see but I couldn't hide it. Was allowed to have lesser duties which makes me feel I can't do my job. Feeling drained now, want to be at home. Want to contact my cc but don't know what to say or what she'll do.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 16:38:40

Will hopefully reply again later when I feel a bit better.

But this thread is currently running. I have no idea if any of it is of any help to you personally.

lizba Tue 15-Jan-13 16:39:36

Gracie, how would you feel if it was one of your friends who felt like this and they didn't say anything? Please try to speak to someone in real life - you just have an imbalance at the moment that can be sorted - is there anything we can do to help?

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 20:27:48

But people will ask me questions and I don't know the answers, I don't know why I feel like this, what's wrong with me or how I can get better. Today was hard, didn't think things could get worse and I feel they are. Want to end this so badly, but I can't even get that right, too scared. Just realised I haven't had dinner, so might just have something then an early night, might help a bit but I doubt it.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 21:19:26

What do the medical professionals say about you, if it is all right for me or us to ask you that.
Please dont reply to that if you dont want to.

And yes, have some dinner and an early night.

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 21:41:36

Trying to answer but don't know what to say. They're probably fed up with me. They say I need to improve my self esteem, talk over issues and that I don't really want to end it, I just want to escape from everything. Writing this is making me cry! It's so hard opening up to professionals and expecting to get better then for it not to happen. Its been nearly four years since I started seeking help. Feeling very low at the moment, and really don't feel right but when I feel like this I don't know what to do.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 21:50:02

That was the point I was coming to as well.
I think I have realised, that even if you didnt have depression, that you do have self esteem issues.

I do also wonder, like them, and like others have said on here, that if you open up to people in rl, that they will support you.
It does sound to me like you have some nice normal friends?

In fact, out of everything, I am wondering if your self esteem is more of an issue than the depression?

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 22:00:09

I would like to tell a friend when I feel this bad but I wouldn't just blurt it out and I wouldn't want to burden anyone.

I know self esteem is an issue, but I think I've scored highly on the depression questionaires. I cry for no reason and can't stop, sleep too much or can't sleep, feel life is pointless and have lots of suicidal thoughts. SH has been an ongoing issue too. I don't even don't what being depressed is meant to feel like but I know I feel absolutely crap and see no hope.

GracieLoo Tue 15-Jan-13 22:24:12

I know I should stop posting but got to get this out of my head. So, so desperate now, feel like I can't even wait til the morning til I speak to someone, but I've got to wait til then. Having visions of dd living with her dad, got thoughts of dressing her nicely in morning cos might be last time I see her (that sounds so awful!!), imagining putting pill after pill in my mouth, thinking who I can ask to collect her from nursery tomorrow.

Please, please. I hate this. What's happened to me? In bed now but feel myself burning up, really tense, want to cut to release some of this tension. So sorry for putting this but it helps in some way

Badvoc Tue 15-Jan-13 22:34:40

Phone someone op.
A family member, anyone.

amillionyears Tue 15-Jan-13 22:35:20

I think you have depression badly, and self esteem issues which stop you reaching out to people around you.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Tue 15-Jan-13 22:53:03

Phone your GP and take down the out of hours number from the message (that's how ours works anyway). Or look in phone book/on net for your local out of hours service. Or ring 111, answer the questions they will ask you as honestly as you can, make it clear you are having seriously bad thoughts, and they will take it from there.

I think you may be a mh emergency... hugs and warm wishes

GracieLoo Wed 16-Jan-13 09:59:22

Woke up feeling like I hadn't slept. Got dd ready, made her packed lunch, took her to nursery, just like all the others mums. But now sat feeling lost, can't think straight and don't know what to do. Loads I could be doing but it all feels pointless. Got phone infront of me but I don't know what to say to cc. She'll just tell me to go to gym or something, and if I don't I'm not listening to their advice. Making a cup of tea just now was hard enough, I can't face going out.

Badvoc Wed 16-Jan-13 10:03:43

Phone your gp,op

GracieLoo Wed 16-Jan-13 10:22:02

I spoke to my care coordinator. She's asked me if there's anything I could do in the house, just a small job, then she's ringing me back in a couple of hours to see if I managed it. Also said to increase my meds if I feel I need to. I haven't moved off the sofa yet, thinking about it. Trouble is took my tablet and a diazepam and I feel like throwing up.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 16-Jan-13 11:46:43

Strangely, I do find doing some hoovering can be quite therapeutic. Keep on keeping on [hug]

GracieLoo Wed 16-Jan-13 22:07:45

Three people have texted me tonight asking if I'm ok and I don't seem right. Obviously I'm worse than I thought as I'm not hiding it so well. Feel like I've been spied on, or they've read these posts or know what's going on in my head. Feeling very paranoid now, and can't relax. Hate this feeling that I'm not really here, and just watching myself trying to function.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 16-Jan-13 22:29:41

Did your CC get back to you? How are you sleeping atm?

amillionyears Wed 16-Jan-13 22:46:25

See, last night or the night before you wanted people to contact you.

GracieLoo Thu 17-Jan-13 07:43:22

Yeah my cc phoned back, got an appt to see her Friday. Having trouble getting to sleep, then could sleep forever. Finding it hard getting up and having to function for LO.

GracieLoo Thu 17-Jan-13 08:27:31

Just opened a letter from my landlord saying he's selling up so offering me to buy first. There's no way I'd get a mortgage. Been here three years, can't deal with this right now! The thought of moving is too much sad

amillionyears Thu 17-Jan-13 11:17:18

Could you move in with your mum?

GracieLoo Thu 17-Jan-13 17:00:21

Not really an option. Got a headache from all this stress, and bet the snow tomorrow means my appt will be cancelled.

lizba Thu 17-Jan-13 17:13:35

Hi Gracie, did you speak to any of your friends - did you reply to their texts? Even if you said, 'not coping very well at the moment' they will reach out further Im sure- please don't be ashamed to reach out.

GracieLoo Thu 17-Jan-13 21:06:22

One of the texts was a friend, the others were family who I can't help but say I'm fine. I said to my friends I've been struggling a bit, she's offered to come round this weekend. I just get embarrassed that people think I'm weak or attention seeking.

Felt strange this eve, like I was doing things but it didn't feel like me. Running dd's bath in auto pilot. And been so tired, want to sleep so much. Realised I haven't been out at all this week apart from work, and taking dd to nursery and a playdate. Trying to keep things normal for her. At least I'm saving money. I even ordered food online so I didn't have to face people.

Suddenly had a thought that I could move in my mums, get dd settled there then end it. Feel it would be a relief for everyone, one less thing to worry about. But that could take weeks, and my energy to fight this might not last that long. Sorry for being too honest.

amillionyears Thu 17-Jan-13 22:28:36

Is there room at your mums?

lizba Thu 17-Jan-13 22:48:08

It's good to be honest. Would you think your friend was attention seeking if she had been struck down with this? You sound like a funny, kind person with so much to give. Please give yourself a chance and let your friend come. Failing that , please phone someone and tell them how you're feeling, let someone help you .

lizba Sat 19-Jan-13 15:28:38

Gracie, can you let us know you're ok? We're here if you need to chat . Please let us know how you are

GracieLoo Sun 20-Jan-13 08:09:56

Sorry I'm in hospital with a broken arm, waiting for an op! Hard to type with left hand. No sleep or food is making me feel a bit crap, actually a lot crap! Plus staff talking down to me when I had a little break down last night was hard.

SnowyMouse Sun 20-Jan-13 08:43:15

I'm sorry to hear that, Gracie sad What happened?

amillionyears Sun 20-Jan-13 09:22:27

Oh heck. sad
Did you fall on some ice?
I hope the staff are lovely to you Gracie.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sun 20-Jan-13 12:55:04

Gracie in our neck of the woods there is a MH Liason Officer in the physical hospitals, maybe there is in yours and you could ask to see them?

GracieLoo Mon 21-Jan-13 03:19:26

Awake in hospital worrying about so much stuff, and how I'm going to get through it. I did fall doing this, in the ice. Had another breakdown earlier, but the other patients were nice. It was my dads bday and worrying about being apart from dd and this making things more distant between us.

amillionyears Mon 21-Jan-13 07:25:18

Hope you got some rest.
Have you had the op?
Your DD should be fine. She loves you.

Glad the patients are being nice to you, especially because of what day it was yesterday. x

GracieLoo Mon 21-Jan-13 14:51:08

Home now, feel really weird and emotional.

amillionyears Mon 21-Jan-13 15:15:28

Your body has had somewhat of a physical shock.
All perfectly normal what you are feeling I expect.

GracieLoo Tue 22-Jan-13 15:02:52

I don't want to sound like I'm attention seeking but I don't feel right, and I don't know if it's normal to feel like this. I feel on verge of tears, shaky and spaced out. A lot has happened this last week, but people go through worse and I feel stupid for feeling like this. I'm in pain, tired and got a feeling of uneasiness. I don't know if it's the general anesthetic I had on Sunday, painkillers I've had, or just my body trying to get over this. I think I just need reassurance, sorry for sounding pathetic.

amillionyears Tue 22-Jan-13 15:29:15

Look after yourself GracieLoo.
Be kind to yourself.
I dont know how long the effects of general anesthetic take to wear off.

How long did they say you were likely to be in pain for?

lizba Wed 23-Jan-13 15:02:23

Hi Gracie, you're bound to feel out of sorts, you've been through a lot this week. Did you manage to speak to anyone in hospital about how you've been feeling?

GracieLoo Wed 23-Jan-13 16:58:02

No I didn't speak to anyone at the hospital, its hard enough to get painkillers or a cup of tea in those places. But i don't feel I'm coping now, in pain and unable to go out is hard, find it hard relying on others. I'm physically feeling weak and exhausted, and a bit lightheaded, mentally I'm struggling, plus feeling scared about the pain, and getting scared to go out, out of my comfort zone.

amillionyears Wed 23-Jan-13 17:10:42

It will all take time.

Not sure if you should still be in much pain.
How long did they say to take the painkillers for?

GracieLoo Wed 23-Jan-13 19:25:02

Arm is so bruised and was cut open, so was given a few painkillers to last, think it's normal. It's just my head was a mess before all this happened and I feel a bit emotional. And I'm worried I feel myself hiding away this week. I miss being looked after in hospital which is hard to admit and makes me sound needy and weak, suppose I am though.

amillionyears Wed 23-Jan-13 21:28:49

It is understandable that you liked being looked after in hospital.
When I was younger, so did I.
Any chance you can stay at your mums?

lizba Thu 24-Jan-13 20:36:02

How was today, Gracie?

GracieLoo Fri 25-Jan-13 12:09:32

I'm a bit of mess at the moment. Care coordinator just came round, but my mind went blank. I couldn't express myself and don't think she picked up on it. Sometimes I wonder what the point of cmht is. Maybe it's good she's leaving and I'm getting someone new. I might get more from the appts. I can't help but feel their other clients are iller, or they want to help them more than me. I just didn't know what to say today.

Arms still hurting, getting more uncomfortable and itchy. Want to cut the cast off so badly!

amillionyears Fri 25-Jan-13 12:20:45

How many days until your cast can come off?

GracieLoo,your cmht, for now at least , and as far as I know,can help everyone that needs help.

GracieLoo Sat 26-Jan-13 04:49:13

Can't sleep, keep going through experience of being in hospital, things that happened and how awful I felt in there. The noise, the drips and the way the nurses were so abrupt. I keep thinking of it. This happened after I had dd, kept waking up thinking about it all.

lizba Mon 28-Jan-13 13:59:35

How are you today, Gracie. Try to think about something else, easier said than done , I know

GracieLoo Mon 28-Jan-13 16:58:36

Feeling horrible today, snappy, low, no energy. This shitty weather doesn't help, and not being able to drive or do an awful lot while still being in pain is making me feel worse. Found out my new care coordinator will be a cpn who knows more about meds, so that may be a good thing. Still anxious about the change though. Had enough of everything falling apart, really had enough and think I'm going to have a big cry when dd's in bed.

lizba Tue 29-Jan-13 11:09:17

H Gracieloo, how are you this morning - the weather's better anyway. WHat are you doing today?

GracieLoo Tue 29-Jan-13 12:36:02

Can't drive so not done a lot, just managed to have a bath! Got fracture clinic later. Keep feeling myself going to cry then I can't. My mood is low but I can't lift it. Having the ongoing worry it's affecting dd, she keeps asking if I love her. I try to sound upbeat around her.

lizba Wed 30-Jan-13 16:58:57

How did the clinic go Gracie? And how has your day been? Better , I hope

GracieLoo Thu 31-Jan-13 07:59:41

Just had a horrible dream about having a break down and dd being taken away. It was so realistic. Having lots of horrible vivid dreams recently. Then I wake up to the horrible reality of my life.

GracieLoo Thu 31-Jan-13 20:18:17

What is wrong with me?! I don't know if I'm ever going to have a day when I don't find it hard to cope. Dd and I are very close at the moment and it scares me that it can be like this, then other days I feel detached and could walk away from everything. Trouble is it's extreme and I don't want to going to nursery or her dads, and even her being in bed now, I want to go and lie with her. Now I'm crying. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Also, since I broke my arm and spent 3 days in hospital which brought back memories of dd's birth, any hospital story in paper, on tv or hearing people talk about me makes me feel anxious and I feel like crying or do start crying.

Seeing cc tomorrow, then next week is our last appt and that's making me sad too. I don't feel suicidal right now, but got lots of pills in the house which I think about and I feel better for having that stash. Especially when I feel I'm losing control. I feel in a strange place right now, bit impulsive and I keep buying stuff, but it's like it's not me doing it. Not sure that makes sense, it's hard to put into words. I just feel scared and lonely right now.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Fri 01-Feb-13 10:32:58

I do believe suicidal ideation is just us trying to keep some control.

May I ask are you better in yourself in the summer months? Getting exercise and sunlight can make a difference (must practise what I preach)

GracieLoo Fri 01-Feb-13 11:41:03

I do prefer the sun like most people, but I can get very down at any time of year. For some reason may has been when I have od'd in the past few years. Just watching the interview about Gary Speeds suicide. Hate the fact I relate so much to it, and can understand why people do it.

GracieLoo Sun 03-Feb-13 14:56:47

Sat crying as finding today a real struggle. I'm tired as woke in the night worrying about work, childcare and money. Now I'm so tired I feel achey all over but feel guilty as just put DVD on for dd.

I think I'm panicking about going back to work tomorrow, and how I'm going to cope with a broken arm. I hate that the thought of work is making me cry, but I'm stuck as I need the money, especially now as I'm looking for a new place to rent.

The skys so grey and it matches my mood. I don't know what to do with myself.

GracieLoo Sun 03-Feb-13 17:01:20

Don't know why I bother

noraa Sun 03-Feb-13 18:43:38

so sorry for your arm gracieloo, i hope you will get better soon.
i hope all your other problems will be solved easily and there is light at end of the tunnel.
tomorrow i wish you all the strength at work.
best wishes. smile

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 03-Feb-13 20:24:08

Oh gracie sad My previous question re summer was in hopes there was a seasonal element to how you are feeling.

Is work OK usually? I don't think you should be going in if you are sitting crying about it the day before - and I say that as one who has been there in several jobs. But I didn't have accrued sickness day problems, as I think you have? Do you have an occupational health dept?

GracieLoo Sun 03-Feb-13 20:50:17

Thanks for replying, I feel so alone, trying to make all these decisions whilst feeling so down. There's no occ' health dept, I've been going over in my head what I can do, change hours, look for new job, shall I talk to anyone at work? It's all going round in my head but I can't come to a decision about what's best. I can't see anything making me happy. I'm panicking about having to get up and out so early then crying on the way to work like I was doing, then having 2 weeks off has made it worse.

Another issue now is looking for a new place to rent. And being judged and looked down on when I turn up as a single mum, I got asked if I'm sure I can afford it. Made me feel crap. What else can I do, I don't want to go to the council.

This eve I was stupid and hurt my bad arm, doesn't feel enough though. It didn't hurt enough.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 03-Feb-13 21:07:08

gracie I know v little about that form of 'release' - the nearest I have come is biting my wrist hard enough to leave teeth marks (no broken skin). But it seems like there must be a better way than damaging yourself?

So what is the problem with work (leaving aside all the other stuff, cos it was overwhelming you)? Is it the long hours themselves, a commute, the type of work you do, or what?

GracieLoo Sun 03-Feb-13 21:20:35

I don't even know why I dread it so much. I don't want to give too many personal details, what my job is, but I worry about not doing it properly, not coping with the long day, it can be stressful at times and because I've cried at work, I hate crying infront of people, I've just got stupidly anxious about it. Plus the guilt of leaving dd and the worry about childcare.

But if I wasn't at work, and dd wasn't here I'd spend the day in bed, that's what I'm desperate to do, but it's probably not the best thing. Sometimes I just find it really hard being around others when inside I'm a mess.

GracieLoo Wed 06-Feb-13 13:28:55

I really need help and I've been trying to get it all morning. Spent ages trying to get through to doctors. Had an appt anyway with cc and was meeting the new one. I slept badly last night and spent the morning in tears as there's so much going on, I feel in a right panic. Crying and shaking now. I waited for 40 mins to see them, then got told cc was on the phone. She came down and said there was an emergency and sorry but she's got to take a call from the police. The new one then came into the waiting room with her diary and made an appt for next week.

So it was a shit last 'meeting' with my cc. I didn't get to say much. I left, broke down in tears and feel I can't cope with all this for another week. There's too much I needed to get off my chest and wanted help with. I feel like hurting myself now as I don't know how to get out of this state. I drove straight to the GP and they got me an appt for later. I'm going to tell them I want nothing to do with the cmht anymore. I don't find them any help and I don't feel I want to get to know a new one then get let down again.

Feel completely alone and worthless.

GracieLoo Wed 06-Feb-13 13:33:59

Reading that back makes me sound selfish. But what's the point of being under the cmht if they're always late for appts, or cancel them and are never available when I ring up. When you're feeling low and have no self-esteem, this really doesn't help. I thought there were duty people to deal with emergencies so others can see their clients. She also finally gave me my care plan, a year late, and the last time I'll see her?!

SnowyMouse Wed 06-Feb-13 14:09:27

She was probably on duty for that day.

GracieLoo Wed 06-Feb-13 14:25:46

Thanks for that. Usually she dosn't make appts if she's on duty.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 06-Feb-13 15:02:16

It's all about priorities I'm afraid.

But feel free to vent here.

It sounds like the job is underlyingly OK? Please don't worry about crying at work, people are more understanding than you think atm I'm sure. You are doing well to go in at all.

GracieLoo Wed 06-Feb-13 15:15:00

Sorry I'm just in a bad place right now, been feeling worse and worse over the past weeks. Maybe I rely on these appts too much, I shouldn't as when I most need help this happens.

I'm not sat in my dressing gown, feeling sick and exhausted from crying. Dd's watching films and playing by herself. There's housework etc I could be doing but my mind and body feel numb. I can't move and there seems no point in doing anything. I'm useless and pathetic, got a big stash of pills building up and I'm thinking about it more and more. But I know there are priotorities, someone on the edge of a train track is different from me sat at home sobbing wanting to end all this so badly but not able to. I'm just scared and I can't do this alone.

Now I've come across as a selfish cow, I'm giving up with posting here, asking for help etc, already phoned and canceled next wks appt as forgot I was working anyway.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 06-Feb-13 15:42:48

OK don't worry about the housework. Something simple for DD's tea, like fish fingers and oven chips. If possible, go and watch film with her, kid's TV or a Disney oldy or Toy Story or something.

That's what I used to do with mine (DS now 24, DD now 21). We are all fine, and you will be too.

And keep posting - I'm checking about once an hour.

GracieLoo Wed 06-Feb-13 15:58:40

I'm sorry, I don't know what to do, not thinking straight. Watched a bit of film with her, but I started crying. My friend said she'd have dd while I go to doctors so she can have tea there, I just have to hold it together while taking her there.

I hate goodbyes, and I hate the fact I've been seeing my cc weekly for a year and it ended like that. Feel really horrible about it, and it doesn't feel right. But I wish it didn't affect me like this, it doesn't help I was already feeling rubbish.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 06-Feb-13 18:01:12

<waves to your lovely friend>

and lovely gracie you are doing fine, you are holding it together, taking it bit by bit. When you are a bit better, I'm sure you might be able to send a card or something to your old cc, through her team?

GracieLoo Wed 06-Feb-13 21:40:10

Thank u for helping me get through today. I saw a GP, not my usual one but she was nice. Got some diazepam, and was advised not to leave the cmht. Can't concentrate on much, got into bed half undressed, not bothered with brushing teeth or cleaning face. Want this day to be over. Kind of hoping cc will ring before she leaves on Friday but not counting on it, was going to drop a card in but feel silly doing that now, and wouldn't know what to do. 'sorry for still being needy and messed up'!.

There are bad days then days like these, when there seems no point in being here anymore ruining everyone's lives.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 06-Feb-13 22:31:04

Only too glad to help.

Perhaps you could take a leaf out of your last post, and write in the card 'thanks for helping me get through the past year', trust me it will be appreciated, but also don't worry if you don't feel up to it...

Take care.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 07-Feb-13 14:03:32

how are you today gracie? We actually have sunshine here!

GracieLoo Thu 07-Feb-13 18:54:00

Not been as tearful today, think diazepam has got me through the day. Trying to get little things done so I feel I've achieved something, helps my head feel less muddled.

My cc phoned, I'm so glad she did. She apologised for yesterday, I said I understand things happen, it was just really unfortunate it was that day. She said she could tell by my face I was struggling, but reassured me my new cc is lovely. I said I hate goodbyes and she said she did too, and was welling up! That made me feel a bit more valued in a way, and she said I deserve the treatment I'm having.

Situations like this, I find hard, and I think it goes back to my dad ending it when I was young. Yesterday I felt on the verge of a breakdown, scared of getting through the next few days as still feeling very on the edge.

GracieLoo Thu 07-Feb-13 18:56:43

Meant she could tell yesterday I wasn't doing good, but she was waiting for that call and felt torn.

It was sunny here too, that helps a bit to get small jobs done and get out of the house. Wish I could cope without the diazepam though.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 08-Feb-13 00:09:52

So glad your cc phoned. It sounds like a lovely phone call smile even tho the circs are sad. Your job now is just to keep on keeping on, you are so right about getting little things done smile

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 09-Feb-13 12:49:57

you ok?

GracieLoo Sat 09-Feb-13 17:47:34

Not sure really?! Just bought a bottle of wine, taken loads of painkillers as in loads of pain, and thinking I need a diazepam as getting panicky about seeing a couple of friends tonight and hiding behind the 'happy' mask. Just want to get drunk, not a good sign. Dd's not here btw, happy and safe at her dads.

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 09-Feb-13 20:34:57

Doesn't sound like a v good mix to me... In fact I think a friend of mine took diazepam or something like it when he was climbing back on the wagon (he is dry now smile)

Are you going out with the friends? I know about happy masks, and how tiring keeping them up can be. But better to see friends than not - when I have been down and thought I couldn't face friends but did anyway, it has nearly always helped.

GracieLoo Sat 09-Feb-13 23:52:53

What do u mean with your friend and diazepam? Back home, friends weren't up for it, i wanted to drink and drink... Now home with nothing but tablets.. Cut my hand a bit, my arm is aching, makes me cope a buy better

GracieLoo Sat 09-Feb-13 23:54:34

'bit better' not 'buy'. I feel horrible and not in control, I've messed up

TheSilveryPussycat Sat 09-Feb-13 23:57:27

he took it to help alcohol withdrawal symptoms - so prob not relevant.

drinking and drinking deffo not a good idea. I still don't really understand the s h, but glad you feel a bit better anyway...

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 00:06:45

It's ok, I don't undrestand myself. All I know is right now I miss my dad, I'm scared and I've got a pile of pills infront of me.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 00:12:06

pm'd you

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 00:38:14

Took a few but now just sitting here feeling numb, know its not too many so should just sleep, scared od being sick. I know no one understands, my friends don't understand.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 01:31:19

Well I do understand feeling so bad that you want it to stop... Hope you sleep well.

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 08:59:17

Fell asleep straight after taking tablets, woke a couple of hours later and was violently sick. Couldn't tell if there was blood or cos of red wine, (stupid) so rang out of hours and started crying. They rang back and said to drink lots of fluids but I felt too sick. Feel I've let everyone down this morning, including myself.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 09:50:40

Your body looked after you by being sick, you rang out of hours which was exactly the right thing to do. You haven't let anyone down. [hugs] brew

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 09:58:56

I'm not scared of harming myself, and I know that's not normal to think like that, but I do feel guilty about dd, but I know she's with her dad and fine. I'm just sat here feeling shaky and dizzy, and not really sure what I should do. Might go back to bed.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:03:56

drink water, go back to bed, I also find that sometimes I have a dream that clarifies things (yesterday's was about eating Heston Blumenthal's food!!)

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 10:12:36

I do have vivid dreams, sometimes good, sometimes horrible. Completely lost motivation for anything recently, usually like a clean, tidy house, but see no point. It's irritating me that things need doing but I just want to sleep.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 10:17:55

have you senn vicar's bed thread, where we are supporting each other to have naps only in moderation, and to find our motivation (or get the bare min done if we can't find it)?

GracieLoo Sun 10-Feb-13 16:39:06

I've had a look at that thread. It's just so easy to hide away in bed and not have to face the world. I'm fed up of feeling like I'm not normal compared to my friends, they know I'm on AD's but must think I'm losing it or I'm weird.

I feel awful today, my hearts beating too fast and I'm so hot. Meeting new cc tomorrow, don't want to tell her about this wkend the very 1st time I meet her.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 10-Feb-13 19:17:33

It's the illness making you think your friends think that...

And please level with your new cc. How else can she do her job properly? How long have you felt like this, may I ask?

with warmest thoughts x

GracieLoo Mon 11-Feb-13 14:57:00

I've felt like this for a few years, but looking back to my childhood and teen years I've always had symptoms that something's not right.

Waiting for my appt with new cc. Scared to tell her that I wanted to od on sat, it's sounds so stupid putting it into words. Feel like I'm floating above myself today, and keep waking up with headaches.

TheSilveryPussycat Tue 12-Feb-13 17:50:12

How did appt go, gracie? I was a bit weird as a child (well, still am at 60) and found it hard to make friends and fit in, which made me depressed. Part of the reason why I think I have Asperger's.

GracieLoo Wed 13-Feb-13 20:07:12

So tired, tearful, feel ill and being irritable when I shouldn't be. Think I'm becoming overly anxious and paranoid about my arm and other health stuff which isn't helping.

My appt went well, new cc seems to be wanting to put things in place, and have things to work towards. I felt a bit more positive after seeing her, apart from having a meeting every other week which I need to get used to. Been asked to keep a mood diary again, but this time I think it'll be read and talked about. All a bit of a blur though and I know I need to take one day at a time as starting to feel panicky and horrible. Might just hide away for the next few days.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 13-Feb-13 23:12:53

So glad appt went well, and you are right to take things one day at a time.

coxspippin Thu 14-Feb-13 17:38:25

dear gracie loo, can the cc give you a ring in the week you don't see her? and could friends or family ring you daily or weekly to see how you are? maybe you've already asked. i'm sorry your suffering gracie loo, you deserve much relief.

GracieLoo Thu 14-Feb-13 18:56:41

Thank you. Cc is ringing me next week as I'm not seeing her, seems like a long time away. Finding the mood diary hard, not sure what to put in it, especially on the 'nothing' days when I just plod along doing the minimum. Family ring quite a lot anyway, just for general chats.

Feeling rough with a cold, my scar on my arm isn't healing that great and I've got to start thinking about moving in a few weeks. Don't feel strong enough for it all. Been asked out for a coffee in morning and to take dd to a friends for tea, but trying to cancel as don't feel like putting on a front.

GracieLoo Thu 14-Feb-13 21:03:50

Sat here crying as I feel so ill, physically ill. I know how stupid that sounds, but struggling mentally and now physically and I want to end this. Not enjoying dd at the moment so much, and feeling guilty as I had a shout at her today as she was whinging and I lost it. She doesn't deserve that and I don't deserve her.

TheSilveryPussycat Fri 15-Feb-13 00:03:54

Physical illness just makes mental illness all the harder to cope with, of course sad Do you need medical help to deal with the physical stuff? are you healing at the rate you should?

I used to lose it with DC sometimes when v down, but did always apologise and say I was just v sad at the moment but would get better.

GracieLoo Mon 18-Feb-13 11:51:31

Not at work today. I couldn't face it but was signed off for an infection anyway. My op wound has got so painful, but, I know this is stupid, I can't bring myself to take the antibiotics prescribed as I feel I don't care what happens. Part of me just thinks, if I get so ill then maybe all this will be over, but it won't look like I've done it on purpose. Still snappy, tearful and tired, going back to bed now. Getting a bit paranoid I might get recognised on here, but it's hard to get it off mg chest without including personal details. Wish my mind could just chill out sometimes!

GracieLoo Mon 18-Feb-13 17:31:21

Sorry to post again, just kind of using this as a diary today so I can look back when I talk to cc. Have come to collect dd, have told work I'll be in tomorrow, but I feel on the verge of tears and I feel like I'm losing control. Got no energy for anything, want to be on my own so I can just cry and cry, but have no idea why I want to do this.

TheSilveryPussycat Mon 18-Feb-13 22:50:07

bless you gracie this is a sign that you are really not very well, lots of people would feel like you feel but they would decide to go ahead and take the antibiotics anyway (and finish the course - v important).

please do start taking them, apart from the danger to you, it wouldn't be good for dd if you don't get the infection cleared up.

and glad to hear you'll be sharing this with your cc

warm wishes, [hug] and brew

GracieLoo Wed 20-Feb-13 17:51:44

So fed up. Been on edge all day as due to have a call from cc. I was worried about her ringing but kind of relying on that call for a chat, plus haven't seen her since last Monday. She never rang, and now I have to wait another week as she works part time and so do I.

Hate this, hate half term, feeling lost and at my wits end. Dd has started speaking to me in a snappy way, just because she hears me doing it. I feel bad but I get frustrated. Don't think I've smiled today. Cancelled plans for the next two days as can't face seeing anyone, and I can't cope with dd's tantrums infront of other people. Haven't felt like crying the last couple of days, now I feel it bubbling under the surface.

TheSilveryPussycat Wed 20-Feb-13 18:10:17

So sorry to hear this. Are you taking the anti-biotics?

GracieLoo Wed 20-Feb-13 18:16:48

Yeah I have started taking them, but still thinking what's the point. Feeling dead inside right now, hate this sinking feeling. Will try to have a nice bath but know it won't work. Don't want to be here.

GracieLoo Thu 21-Feb-13 08:24:32

Dreading another day, really hope I get through it without losing it and getting grumpy with dd. Panicking about having to get petrol! So stupid, wish I was normal.

TheSilveryPussycat Thu 21-Feb-13 09:48:02

Glad you are taking them, anyway. Understand about every little thing being a huge impossible task, including getting petrol. I used to spend what seemed like hours stuck in the supermarket trying to decide what biscuits to buy sad

Get the physical sorted, then twill be easier to handle and maybe tackle the mental stuff.

GracieLoo Sun 24-Feb-13 15:58:09

What a horrible day, feel a bit odd today. Been on my own today, been cleaning but it feels whatever I get done it's not enough and I can't relax. Did food shop online as couldn't face being in public. Tried to have a nap but kept jumping awake, as though something bad was going to happen and I don't know what. Kept getting heart palpitations and butterflies in my stomach, think it's because of work and the rush in the morning, and the thought of scraping ice of the car at 7am is panicking me! But there's no way I can't go to work, so I feel trapped and anxious. Been overly worried about my health at the moment which I've not really experienced before.

TheSilveryPussycat Sun 24-Feb-13 16:03:08

Gracie you have done well, you have done some impossible tasks, even though they were impossible wink You will feel the benefit later on smile

Totally understand about ice scraping at 7 am. Fortunately I'm retired. I never seemed to factor in the time when I had to do it...

GracieLoo Mon 25-Feb-13 20:59:40

Crying again, finding it so hard being a mum. Feel I'm not cut out for any of this. Feel guilty she went to bed unhappy, want to just wake her up and say it's ok and I love her. Sleeping badly at the moment, or having horrible dreams when I am asleep. Eating when I'm not hungry, just for the sake of it. Sorry I repeat myself on here, no one has to bother reading or replying, it's just somewhere I can vent.

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