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Driving away

(1000 Posts)
Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 00:52:13

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

ClassFree Fri 28-Dec-12 00:53:43

sad
You sound like you are in so much pain.
Are you on your own, or are there other adults around?

Oh my. Sorry you are feeling so low. What's prompted this? Want to share? Have a hug too x

Tortington Fri 28-Dec-12 00:55:10

talk to us

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas Fri 28-Dec-12 00:56:22

Sweetheart you are not a failure.

Chubfuddler Fri 28-Dec-12 00:57:05

You have a very young baby. Do you think you could have post natal depression?

Do nothing tonight. Go to bed. In the morning ring your health visitor. She will have heard these kind of thoughts and feelings before. You can get help.

Ring the Samaritans now if it cannot wait till morning. They are always there.

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 00:57:40

My dh is downstairs and we're staying with my parents so it's ok I won't be abandoning my beautiful girls, they will be safe I promise. Please don't think I would leave them alone.

Can you talk to your DH?

ClassFree Fri 28-Dec-12 01:00:41

I don't think you would leave them alone. but I worry that you might wander off on your own, while in a highly emotional state.
Have you been feeling this way for a long time, or is it more recent?

Don't be driving anywhere tonight, love. Could you talk to your DH and/or your parents about how you're feeling? I really think it would help. They won't want you to feel so desperate. Perhaps one of them could take you to the doctors in the morning - it does sound like depression, post-natal or otherwise.

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 01:01:27

I don't why I can't talk to dh but I can't. I don't want him to know how much of a failure I am. My poor girls having me as a mother.

I'm sorry I shouldnt be moaning on here.

Can you talk to your mum then?

(Yes, you should be expressing your feelings on here - there are always people who are willing to listen)

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas Fri 28-Dec-12 01:04:57

Pumble again you are not a failure. I know you don't believe me right now but trust me when I say I'm right. You're girls are lucky having you as a mother. I know you don't think/feel that right now but they are...I promise you, they are.

You obviously need to talk so here is as good a place as any.

You are not a failure... What makes you think you are? A 5wk old needs her mummy, please don't drive anywhere x

MakeItALarge Fri 28-Dec-12 01:07:14

Massive hugs Pumble, it will get easier and you will feel better.

No real advice but deep breathes, could you get your dh to hold dd while you go outside and scream and just take five minutes out?

Then docs tomorrow!

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 01:09:08

I don't know what to say.

I'm so tired from putting on my happy and smiley face all the time.

I love my girls so much but know they deserve better.

You need to go and talk to someone... What makes you think your girls will be better without you? I can 100% say they won't be!!

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 01:14:33

sad

you shouldn't have to put on a happy/smiley face all the time

you are allowed to cry and vent at the exhaustion of having given birth 5 short weeks ago, and then taking care of two small children 24/7, AND fitting in Christmas as well

it would make the best of us want to scream into a pillow

please talk to your DH and let yourself cry if you need to

Chubfuddler Fri 28-Dec-12 01:15:07

Your children deserve for you to be happy and well. That's what's best for them. I dont thinkbyou sound happy or well.
Doctor for you, tomorrow.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Fri 28-Dec-12 01:16:58

Your children need you. Not anyone else, you are their mum. Think about how you would feel, knowing that your mother had left you.
My love, you need to speak to someone. Your mum would probably be a good start, definitely the GP.
This is a totally anonymous forum. Here is a very good place to vent.
Please don't leave your babies.

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 01:17:34

One example of me being a failure as a mother is that when I was crying the other day my dd1 who is 20 months came and wiped away my tears. She shouldn't know how to go that at this age.

Another failure-I didn't even make it to hospital as planned to have dd2 and poor girl just fell onto the floor at home.

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 01:18:00

I am grateful for your replies especially as I don't deserve them.

Crying just 5 short weeks after having a baby is NOrMAL!

Not making it to the hospital isn't a failure on you!! Babies don't wait for anyone! you have a healthy DD regardless if where she was born...

Please get the help you need x

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas Fri 28-Dec-12 01:23:34

You are not a failure. I know you don't believe me right now but you are not.

Please speak to someone, your DH, your mum and tell them how you feel. That will be the first step for you to get help with how you feel. You are a lovely mum, that much is obvious from your posts, you just need a little help with believing that. Help and support to get you through this difficult time.

Chubfuddler Fri 28-Dec-12 01:25:35

Oh love your 20 month old is just being a sweetheart, toddlers are like that. She wasn't traumatised by seeing you cry.

Sounds like you had a very dramatic delivery off dd2, that's enough to leave anyone wobbly. You're not a failure. You're exhausted and getting things out of proportion.

Try to sleep and in the morning ring the doc or HV.

MakeItALarge Fri 28-Dec-12 01:27:40

Seven years ago I could have written your original post.

You ARE a good mother, if you werent you wouldnt still be with them. I did and said some awful things after my dc2 was born (similar age gap to yours) and for a while I was an awful mother but i was ill. I got help and I got better, Im a great Mum now and thankfully my dc dont remember that awful time.

Please go talk to someone, your dh or mother or even samaritans, it sounds like you have pnd and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Congratulations on your home birth, there are women who would love that natural experience, thats not a failure its a story to be smug about!

TanteRose Fri 28-Dec-12 01:28:41

yes, I would say you have done a wonderful job bringing up your DD1, to be kind and sensitive and caring

you must talk to your GP or HV - maybe the traumatic delivery of DD2 is affecting you more than you realise

AdoraJingleBells Fri 28-Dec-12 01:30:04

Please, please, talk to a doctor tomorrow.

I was born at home, in the kitchen, literally fell out as my mother was trying to get herself a cup of tea. That wasn't her fault and your baby arriving at home wasn't your fault. It was no-one's fault, some babies are just in bit of a rush.

Re DD1 wiping your tears, in only 20 months you have taught her compassion. That is not a failure.

Even if you don't feel you can talk to DH, at least tell him you need a hug.

Your DC's need you, I know you can't see that right now, but it's true.

Alonglongway Fri 28-Dec-12 01:35:00

I have 2 DDs and they LOVE hearing about their births and comparing notes. Your two have a huge story to play with there!

Corny old crap in some ways but Libby Purves wrote some nice books about the pressure that's on us to be perfect mothers - when actually we should just do what we can do and love each other and enjoy the moment

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Fri 28-Dec-12 01:35:17

Your babies love you. They need you. Crying does not make you a bad mother. Beating, starving and abandoning them makes you a bad mother. You are just a tired mother who has had a shit time, and needs some extra help. Go and talk to your mum. Thats what mums are for.

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 01:41:44

You're all being so lovely which I'm sure I don't deserve. I just don't know how to talk to about this. (my inability to settle dd2 in the last three hours isn't helping.

Let DH settle DD2 and you get some rest... Tomorrow
Is another day.. X

noteventhebestdrummer Fri 28-Dec-12 01:50:37

You are a good mum!
This is a good place to talk, especially in the night when things feel worse than ever and there are always people here to help, don't hesitate to use this resource.
But yes, see your GP really soon. I bet your hormones are all over the place, quite normal, you sound exhausted and stressed out and you can get real help with coping. Your second birth sounds like you were really shocked, you poor thing.
Do hug your DH and your mum and have a cry if it helps!

^ I second everything she said!! smile

Beckamaw Fri 28-Dec-12 01:59:11

I could have posted your OP 8 months ago. It is so hard. You feel brittle all of the time, hormones everywhere, sore and exhausted. It is like drowning.
Everyone thinks you must be over the moon, but you just feel totally fucked.
Small babies are often cranky. There is no universal strategy other than time.
I respect you, I sympathise and I genuinely care. I think you are a wonderful Mummy. What a lovely little one you have there!

Talk and cry.
I did, and it helped so much.
I bet your DH has no idea that you feel so wretched.

And have a hug.

MrsJingleBells74 Fri 28-Dec-12 02:03:53

Pumble, if you were a bad mother you wouldn't even be considering what your children deserve. All they need is you, but they need you well & happy. If you left them they would forever wonder why & blame themselves. Please speak to your GP or HV as soon as you can.

After I had DS1 I had terrible PND, I wanted to walk into traffic & not stop. I felt my DS1 deserved a much better mother than I could ever be. I spoke to my GP, got help & got through it. I'm not saying I don't struggle occasionally, we all do, but I cope. Please PM me if I can help, I know how terrible it feels.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Fri 28-Dec-12 02:04:51

Oh lovely-please don't think you're a bad mum, all that is coming across is how fabulous and thoughtful a mum you are!
I 'm constantly crying in front of my 20 month old (pregnant) and she loves 'minding' me.
You are immediately post partum and you will be physically and emotionally drained. If you're staying with parents can you ask mum to take a turn overnight, or just get tonight out of the way and have a couple of hours rest in the morning?
I remember feeling this way, so very desperate and that my babies would be far better off without me. I promise it passes smile ring your midwife or GP please, there is no shame in PND if it turns out to be that.
Seriously, one day we 'll all smile with youabout this in a few months. Be kind to yourself and remember that everything is at least a million times worse in the middle of the night wink

lemontruffles Fri 28-Dec-12 02:19:20

Another one who could have written your post after second child was born, and who also wanted to drive off, and who also sincerely believed my kids would be better without me as their mum because I felt sooo useless.

I wasn't, and haven't been, useless ('kids' now 22 and 19). I was depressed, any my poor exhausted thoughts were all over the place. Please talk to a sympathetic health professional - health visitor, gp - you need support. I got the vital support I needed via my amazing health visitor, and it helped me turn myself around so that I could understand my own worth again.

You are clearly a truly lovely mother because your 20 month old shows you kindness and sympathy when she sees you are sad, and where did she learn to be so kind? From you, her lovely kind mother, that's who.

Please surround yourself with the support and kindness you need; you sound sad and in need, and you also sound like a warm hearted and lovely person who is a bit depressed after the birth of your child.

jessjessjess Fri 28-Dec-12 02:30:50

Please please please call Samaritans on 116123

You are NOT useless or a failure

I am so sorry you feel so low

R2PeePoo Fri 28-Dec-12 02:35:10

Pumble, if you were a bad mum you would have gone without looking back. You would be half way to the next town, radio on, singing away without a care in the world. But you aren't, are you?

You have a beautiful child who can recognise someone is sad and wants to make them better. Thats testament to your care as a mother over the last twenty months.

You are sad, you are struggling and you are depressed. No-one can help you unless you let them know. The doctor can help, after two visits where I was the worlds best actress, the third time I broke down and they helped me through it, helped me get better. I went home and I told DH everything- he had no idea. He helped me too. So did my family. But they had no idea I was feeling like that. You don't need to keep it inside, keep it going, honestly, ask for help.

I felt like you did after having my DS. I had terrible post natal depression and didn't realise how much it was affecting my thoughts and behaviour until I was treated for it.

Make an appointment to see your GP asap. Your girls love you and need you. And don't be so hard on yourself x

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Fri 28-Dec-12 08:28:41

How are you this morning Pumble? Hope you got a little bit of sleep and are feeling clearer today chick smile

Hope you had an easier night... Xx

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 09:35:04

Well I didn't drive anywhere but am sitting here now feeling the same as last night but with a smile on my face. I'm worried if I tell anyone or see the gp they will judge me for my failings.

Thank you all for being so kind.

Please think seriously about telling someone, anyone how you are feeling.

It can get better. You can get help. Your girls love and need you.

Telling the first person will be the first step and then it will only get better.

Hugs.

magimedi88 Fri 28-Dec-12 10:38:29

I'm worried if I tell anyone or see the gp they will judge me for my failings.

You've already taken a big step in telling all of us here on MN - at least 40 strangers.

Has a single person judged you? No. Nor has anyone said you are a failure.

You are so obviously a wonderful Mum, who is, sadly, not well at the moment.

Please talk to someone in real life - I promise you that no one will judge you or call you a failure.

How you are feeling is an illness. If you had pneumonia you would go for help & accept it. This is no different, honestly.

sittinginthesun Fri 28-Dec-12 10:45:00

Everything Magimed said! Of course no one will judge you. Your hormones are probably doing somersaults at the moment, not to mention recovering from the trauma of your baby's arrival.

What will make it better is talking about it. Can you talk to your DH, or a RL friend?

Sending lots of very unMumsNetty hugs. X

DeafLeopard Fri 28-Dec-12 10:53:26

Magimed "How you are feeling is an illness. If you had pneumonia you would go for help & accept it. This is no different, honestly. "

^^ This.

I've been there Pumble, please do talk to someone irl about how you feel. It will get better, I promise, but you need to open up to someone. Your DP would be a good start, followed shortly by your GP.

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Fri 28-Dec-12 11:04:49

Oh good-a tiny smile is a step smile
No one can judge you as there is really nothing to judge! You're having totally normal, acceptable feelings that a LOT of us went through.
Please try and talk to a professional though, you may need checking out, and more importantly-ask for help. If, like me you just keep your head down and carry on but feel like you're dying inside- people just don't know. Nor can we expect them to.
My DH (who is usually quite good) didn't realise I was close to breaking point last week as I'd plastered a smile on. Share so people can help you. Have a lovely day x

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Fri 28-Dec-12 15:27:53

NOW LISTEN HERE! This is Munsnet. If there was ANY judging to be done, it would have been done here already! And has it? Absolutely NOT. You will be ok, things will get better, but you MUST speak to someone. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved! You really have taken the first step, coming here, now just keep going.... smile

DorisIsWaiting Fri 28-Dec-12 15:48:48

Pleaseplease get yourself top the Gp or OOH dr, You are not a shit mother you sound like a someone who needs help which is IN NO WAY your fault.

My best friend felt she was a shit mother she picked up the phone to call SS as she felt her son would have a better life. She had a signicant PND which with help and some m,edication she came through. Honestly it can get better you need to take the first step and tell someone IRL can you call your GP? or even your parents GP if you are not at home. Please.

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells Fri 28-Dec-12 16:04:41

Pumble you sound like a lovely mum. It's obvious from your posts how much you love your family.

Please speak to someone - your GP or a Dr - they won't judge you.

Big hugs xxx

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 16:06:14

<<pulls pumble in for a big cuddle>>

Sweetheart you are not a failure, not one bit.

Please ring for an appointment and talk to your gp.

And keep talking to us.

valiumredhead Fri 28-Dec-12 16:10:07

First thing Monday morning ring your GP surgery and tell them you need an emergency appt - ring as soon as they open or you won't get one.

Tell your GP how you are feeling.

xxx

tb Fri 28-Dec-12 20:02:43

Pumble you're not a shit mother, you're 'just' completely knackered.

I had a male health visitor - who was a former cpn after dd was born. On his first visit, he told me I was at a high risk from pnd and almost talked me into it.

I was given anti-depressants without any real proper diagnosis and nearly 6 months later when I saw a female gp (who'd had 4 children) as I wanted to stop them as all the appts were causing a problem with work, she said that as dd was 4 months old at the time of the diagnosis, I probably just still been quite tired after the birth as I was breast-feeding and had an 80 mile round trip.

I'm not against a proper diagnosis of pnd and treatment, not at all, it's just in my own case, it was probably the beginnings of a seriously underactive thyroid problem, that 15 years later still isn't getting the right treatment for me to feel well.

I know it's a hell of a lot easier said than done, but at 5 weeks, gripe water can become your friend instead of infacol if your dd has evening colic (and you get loyalty points from your chemist to spend on yourself), and eating properly and sleeping enough, in the afternoon when dd1 has a sleep if you can, will work wonders if you are suffering from a combination of tiredness, hormones, with Christmas slapped in the middle of it all.

Be kind to yourself thanks

Pumble Fri 28-Dec-12 23:01:13

So I survived another day which I guess is a good thing. Dd1 running around in fits of giggles was definitely a highlight but all the time I just have this voice telling me how bad a mum I am and how much better they'd be without me. I just don't see how i cab keep doing this. I know you've all suggested I talk to someone but what if they take my girls? At least if I leave they are still with those that love them.

Chubfuddler Fri 28-Dec-12 23:03:25

No one will take your children anywhere. Please speak to your GP.

everlong Fri 28-Dec-12 23:06:09

Your dd laughing is because she's happy. Happy because of you.
That's how it works.

I had pnd with ds4 and quite dramatically with ds5. Broke down in the doctors surgery ( he's a friend of dh"s which made it worse ) but he understood.

It's a common thing, not a very nice thing but lots of mums have it. It's treatable, very quickly.

Please say you'll go?

MolehillAlchemy Fri 28-Dec-12 23:18:18

Pumble, the very fact that you care enough to even think about whether or not you are a good mother, is absolute proof that you are a good mother.

If your kidneys stopped working properly you wouldn't think twice about seeking medical help. It's the same with PND, or PTSD, or whatever is making you feel this way.

It can be helped, and you will not always feel this way. It is temporary.

Stop being so hard on yourself, and let yourself be treated to better health.

All these Mumsnetters can't be wrong can they!

R2PeePoo Fri 28-Dec-12 23:31:25

They won't take your girls. Bottom line is they don't have enough resources to deal with kids in horrid and neglectful situations, let alone much loved and adored children in a happy family with a mother who just needs a bit of help to get back on her feet.

I told the GP I hated being a mother. That I felt trapped, that I wanted to run away all the time. That I was a terrible mother and my children weren't getting what they needed from me. I snivelled and wailed and generally broke down. I stuttered out to him that in the past I had come close to running away/committing suicide.

I still have my kids. Not a sniff of a social worker, no-one even suggested taking my children away (it was one of my big fears too). I was given a prescription (that I was told I didn't have to use if I didn't want to), another appointment was arranged for the next week, I was booked into counselling within a fortnight and was generally treated with nothing but sympathy and concern. It gave me the strength to tell DH what was wrong, after all I had just told a complete stranger. He asked me why I had gone to the doctor and I showed him the prescription and it all came tumbling out. My family swung into action and my life changed completely from that date. But they had no idea, none at all that I was feeling like this.

If your DH was feeling like this you'd want to know so you could help him wouldn't you?

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sat 29-Dec-12 00:00:09

Social services have children with serious problems to deal with sweetie. You have a support network, DH, parents, you can do this. Please, start by talking to your mum. If my DD was feeling like this, I would move heaven and earth to help her.

Pumble Sat 29-Dec-12 01:08:27

I'm getting the keys and going. DD2 inconsolable with me again-what a surprise. She knows what a let down as a mother I am. I told dh I couldn't take it anymore and he just said 'it will get easier'.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sat 29-Dec-12 01:14:50

Nooo. Please dont leave your babies. Your wee one is 5 weeks old. She is going to be far more inconsolable without you! Youve been putting a brave face on things. Your DH doesnt realise how bad you are feeling. Please listen to what people are saying here, and really talk to him! Let him read this thread. If you leave them, you will regret it forever!

You have to tell him again, love. Don't go anywhere. Your baby is just being a baby - she needs you. If she's crying, give her to your DH and go and get some sleep. Please go to your GP.

Pumble, go for a walk, or a drive.
Get some space and breathe.
Then come home.
Give them a hug, get some sleep.
See a dr tomorrow x

Lots of loving mothers feel this way. It's ok. It can be treated. You will feel yourself again.

Pumble Sat 29-Dec-12 01:23:30

Surely the fact I can't comfort her or deal with The screaming shows what a shit mother I am. If I was a good mother the screaming until 3am every night wouldn't be an issue would it? Plus she wouldn't scream until 3am because she would be so much happier. She is so upset and I can do nothing.

Do you get a break pumble?
Screaming til 3am is a big issue for any mother.
I had 2 colicky refluxy babies and would spend many a night in tears unable to settle them.
You need a break, not to leave.
Your babies need their mum.
And you need to talk to your DH and your GP about how you are feeling.

And you need a hug xx

clam Sat 29-Dec-12 01:32:15

pumble <<hugs>>

Can I just tell you that my dsis had similar feelings to you when she had 3 dcs under 3 (with twins). Her dd used to wipe her tears away and offer to make her "cuppa tea" as she sat on the stairs sobbing in despair.

This was over 20 years ago, and she now has three of the most lovely,well-adjusted kids you could ever hope to meet. She got through it with support from her lovely dh (which it sounds you have) and family and friends - and anti-depressants for a while too. They helped massively.

It will be OK - but you need to ease up on yourself. You sound like a good mum to me.

butterfingerz Sat 29-Dec-12 01:34:41

My DS (number 2) come out of the womb grumpy, I could literally not put him down at all without him screaming. Some babies are just like that, its no reflection on you as a mother. Maybe your first dd was an easier baby so you feel out of your depth with no 2.

Nevermind your dh, we know what its like. Sometimes its so intense you just want to pull your hair out (or much worse!).

clam Sat 29-Dec-12 01:35:43

And lovie, it might be that your baby is picking up your distress, so think about letting your dh have a go at settling her. That's not to denigrate you as a mum, but to give you a break.

clam Sat 29-Dec-12 01:38:11

I ought to clarify, it didn't take 20 years for my sister to get over it!!! Or for her kids to be lovely!

Please go and see your GP though. They will help you.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sat 29-Dec-12 01:38:58

I'm going to be blunt now. You are not thinking straight and talking rubbish.
There are any number of reasons why your baby is crying.
1/ colic.
2/ acid relux.
3/allergies.
4/being in strange surroundings,
5/ picking up on your anxiety. And many more.
Babies cry. Some just cry because they can.
You arent doing nothing. You are doing your best.
If you leave her, she will be screaming AND motherless. You are her comfort. You are the only comfort she knows. She grew inside you, she is always close to you. She knoes your smell, your voice, how you look, how you taste. She's tiny, she can't see very well yet, she isnt mobile and she cant communicate. YOU are all she has. If you leave she loses that.
You both need to see the Dr. He can check her over thoroughly. Taking her to the Dr is the opening you need. You can get through this. You will get through this. We are here. x

M0naLisa Sat 29-Dec-12 01:41:34

Speak to your HV it gp

I have a 4 week old and have been on anti depressants for 2 weeks now. DH saw that I wasn't coping, crying and with drawing into myself.

Seek help please for your girls. I feel like a failure and a cuddle from DH and my 3 boys make me feel better

Hugs to you it's awful to feel the way you do but your not alone. Xxx

M0naLisa Sat 29-Dec-12 01:43:26

Hate to say it but your DH is right. It will get easier. Honestly it does.

I had PND after ds2 and with ds3 thought I wouldn't get it but I have sad but I know that I will get better xxx

Pumble please don't go - especially in the middle of the night. My son's crying used to make me wretched, I couldn't cope with it, and it's always so much harder in the dark. He was eventually dx with reflux, and nearly a year later (long after the reflux passed) I was dx with PND. I wish I'd stopped forcing the smiles and 'coping' a lot earlier - pretending all is ok doesn't help anyone in the end, it just makes it harder to accept help. I've been on some lovely antidepressants for a few months now and it's amazing how different I feel - I didn't really believe I could feel good again but I do! It all got better.

You don't sound like a bad mother to me - you care, and want the best for your girls.
Please explain to your DH exactly how bad you feel now, and how seriously you've considered leaving - he probably doesn't realise how low you're feeling.
Next you need an emergency GP appointment, it can't wait, you need them to help you with this.
Please come back and tell us how you are in the morning, xxx

Pumble Sat 29-Dec-12 09:51:01

Not a good morning. I've just pushed my mum completely away, withdrawn and told her we are going home today instead of tomorrow which in turn has upset her and made her cry. So not only am I a shit mother but a shit daughter too. And dh been pushed away too. Good job I pushed my friends away before Christmas so I can't upset them too.

ScillyCow Sat 29-Dec-12 09:53:42

Go to the GP. ASAP.

Seriously. PND is a bastard.

You are NOT a bad mother. You are unwell.

Even though you don't feel it. You are depressed.

PLEASE go to the GP.

You're not well. Please show your mum this thread and let her help you.

xMinerva Sat 29-Dec-12 10:08:58

Oh pumble

You are not a bad mother, honestly, if you were then you would not be posting on here right now.

People are right, it will get easier but love, that first step has to be made by you. Make an appointment at your GP first thing Monday, in fact ring OOH now and get yourself there. You don't have to say anything, just show them this thread.

Please, this is not your fault, you must understand that. Let your mum and dh help.

everlong Sat 29-Dec-12 10:17:29

You've had some good advice on this thread pumble.
But only you can make a difference to your feelings now.

You have to see a doctor ASAP. You aren't well.

Have you talked to your dh about running away? He would want to help you.
We all want to help you.

Are you going to ring your GP?

EuroShagmore Sat 29-Dec-12 10:38:02

Pumble I've never been in your position (no children yet) but I have felt how you are feeling and maybe my story will be helpful.

At university, I was very depressed. I wanted to fall asleep and not wake up every night. I cried a lot. I planned to drop out of uni. None of my housemates from my first year wanted to live with me again in the second year (if I stayed) because I was so miserable. And then I stopped taking the contraceptive Pill. Very quickly, the black cloud lifted and I felt much, much better. I went back to uni and finished my degree, coming second on my course. My depression was a pure chemical reaction to whatever the Pill did to my hormones. Once I stopped taking it, I didn't feel like that again. Until I was put on fertility drugs, which once again messed with my hormones. If I do get pg, I am fully expecting PND because my hormones don't deal well with being messed with.

I've mentioned this because I think you are suffering from hormone disruption post birth and that is what is making you feel like this It is not anything you are doing - it is a pure chemical reaction to what is happening in your body.. It will get better with time as your hormones restabilise, but in the short term please seek some help. And show your husband and mother this thread so they can understand what is going on.

Pumble Sat 29-Dec-12 10:44:11

Everlong-you are right. I have had advice and I guess if I'm not going to take it I should stop moaning and leave you all in peace.

My mother now won't even talk to me I have pushed her so much

everlong Sat 29-Dec-12 10:54:19

We want to help you. We are not bothered about left in peace.

Some of us have had pnd, we understand where you're at right now. It's the loneliest, scariest place in the world.

But you can get better. I promise you.

Have you a friend you can phone up? Could you show dh this thread?
<hug>

clam Sat 29-Dec-12 11:08:00

What is it about going to the doctor that scares you?
Perhaps your mum doesn't have experience of PND, and therefore doesn't recognise the behaviours that people on here, who do have experience, can see. Of course she's upset - she's worried about you.

Please show them this thread - it might help expressing it for you. And PLEASE see a doctor.

tb Sat 29-Dec-12 11:10:23

Pumble you are undoubtedly really stressed. I know, I've been there as an 'old' mother with no support, and recently following an operation. Above anything else, what you need is help.

My dd cried every night from about 6pm until about 1am until she was nearly 12 weeks old. Then, somehow we both got the knack of feeding, and she never cried in the evening again, and used to sleep from a feed about 6pm until another one at 10pm. Infacol was useless, and absolutely no-one from my ante-natal group found it any help at all. Later the empties were brilliant as, once sterilised, I used to fill them up with gripe water, and give 1 full squirt - about a teaspoon - down dd's throat before starting a feed.

Another thing I read was a brilliant article in Mother + Baby, which came too late for me. It was about the fact that you need sleep to produce the hormone that causes the production of the richer breastmilk that is more satisfying, rather than the thirst-quenching lighter sort. If you don't get enough sleep, the sweeter lighter milk can give little babies stomach ache. It made sense to me that at 2am after even an hour of sleep if I was lying squashing a breast, I could soak the bottom sheet on our bed. Even an hour's sleep in the afternoon - especially if it's curled up with dd1 for a cuddle would help - that's assuming she still has a sleep in the daytime.

At 4 weeks, according to the recommendations that were current when dd was a baby, gripe water can be given after 4 weeks. I used Boots - and gained loads of points on my advantage card in the process, as with sudocrem etc, even if in darker moments, rather than buying make-up to give me a boost, I bought Twirls instead.

Please also think of getting your thyroid checked, too. The changes in your body during pregnancy can lead to thyroid problems (as well as other auto-immune disorders like diabetes) the symtoms of which can be very similar to depression - ie weight gain or the inability to lose weight, crushing bone-numbing tiredness etc a bit like the week after flu feeling crossed with being hit by a bus, if that makes sense.

MrsJingleBells74 Sat 29-Dec-12 13:11:59

Pumble, I shall be calling the doctor first thing on Monday as I recognise I am slipping back into depression. I just spent 10 minutes crying upstairs because I'm not enjoying my children at the moment & I should be, they are gorgeous.

They deserve a happy, healthy mum & I know with the help of my GP they will have that again. My boys won't get taken away from me so there really is nothing to fear by going to the doctor.

Please agree to see your GP, we CAN get through this.

everlong Sat 29-Dec-12 13:17:23

Good on you mrs I hope both you and pumble start to feel better very soon.

DorisIsWaiting Sat 29-Dec-12 13:38:28

Your DC's will not get taken away but you will start feeling better.

Please please please talk to someone in RL.

You are not moaning, you need RL help, it doesn't have to be like this you just need to be brave and talk to someone? Maybe show your dh this thread???

DorisIsWaiting Sat 29-Dec-12 13:39:41

Well done Mrs - getting help is the first step to getting better...

MrsJ well done for taking the next step.

Pumble please come back. As many posters have said, you are not well, which is why you're finding it hard to cope. There are any number of reasons why your new baby won't settle. The trauma of the birth and the tiredness from looking after a 20-month old are plenty of reasons for you to feel drained and depressed.
Nobody is judging you or trying to push you but you've already taken the first step by acknowledging there is a problem. Now you need to take the next step which is to get some help.

Running away won't do - your poor DC's and DH. And family. Despite what you may think they love you and need you. And you need them.

A friend of mine suffered the most horrendous PND which went undiagnosed, and also suffered Puerperal Psychosis: http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/262263/A-voice-told-me-to-kill-my-baby-

Over a year later, she still has bad days BUT the difference is she knows why, and she has a network of support, and has treatment available.

Please at least read her story and see if there is anything there that inspires you to speak to a professional.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 30-Dec-12 00:09:11

Pumble. Nobody wants you to go away. We all want you to get help. Your Mum wouldnt be upset if she didnt love you. Your DH loves you. Speak to them.

Pumble, please come back and talk to us

Pumble Sun 30-Dec-12 23:31:58

I just think its better if I stop moaning on here. Nobody should have to put up with me moaning. I have told nobody and decided that I shall just have to deal with things. I have managed to convince dh to cancel leave he had booked for tomorrow so he is going into work, meaning it will be just the girls and me.

I was driving today and I have to admit I just wished and wished something would happen that would make me crash and in so many ways I am so angry nothing did.

Sunnywithshowers Sun 30-Dec-12 23:34:09

Pumble it's not 'moaning' - it really sounds like PND. Please talk with someone in RL - you sound very depressed and your GP can help you.

Please keep coming back here to talk to us. I'm not a mum but I've had depression and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Sending you massive, massive hugs. xxx

Pumble, please listen to us - you need help, you can't fix this on your own by ignoring it or running away.
Please talk to your DH, yes he should listen to your moaning, that's what we do for the people we love. If he was unhappy surely you'd want him to talk to you about it, not bottle it up until he wanted to run away?
Please see your GP as soon as possible, it's really really important.

Pumble - if you knew someone else feels the same way as you do now, what would you say to them?

You know what you're experiencing isn't 'normal', right?

If you want this feeling to stop, you need to tell someone in real life. Nobody will be horrible to you, they'll just want to help.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 30-Dec-12 23:40:23

I was driving today and I have to admit I just wished and wished something would happen that would make me crash
Pumble, this is not right! You need help.
Please, if here is the only place you can really say how you feel, then FGS don't stop talking.
You have basically just admitted that you wish you had died. Please sweetie, can you not see that you need to speak to someone?

MrsJingleBells74 Sun 30-Dec-12 23:52:21

Please Pumble you're not moaning. I've had depression, I know what it's like & the only way you will get better is with help. This won't go away, it's chemical imbalance that needs fixing. If you were an insulin dependent diabetic you'd see a doctor wouldn't you? This is no different, honestly. I'm going to phone my GP tomorrow as I'm struggling at the moment and I wish you would do the same. If you really feel you can't, please at least talk to us on here, sometimes it's easier to talk to faceless strangers. You're not the only person to have felt like this & you can get better but not on your own. Please stay.

Pumble Sun 30-Dec-12 23:55:45

I have pushed everyone away in RL so not really anyone left to talk to.

I am so impressed you are phoning the gp mrs - i really hope it helps. I know you all keep saying I should but I just can't at the moment.

MrsJingleBells74 Mon 31-Dec-12 00:00:17

If you can't right now it's ok, but please talk to us on here if you can't talk to anyone else.

When I had PND with DS1 I admitted to GP & CPN that I wanted to die & had even considered taking DS1 'with me'. SS were NEVER involved, there was never a risk I would lose him. If this is what you are frightened of please don't be. Whereabouts in the country are you?

Pumble Mon 31-Dec-12 00:13:08

What I hate most is feeling like I have 'missed' all the early days with dd2. I don't know where they've gone and just have no memory of them-almost as if I wasn't there. I love my girls so much and just wish I could be a better mum to them.

NaturalBaby Mon 31-Dec-12 00:21:40

Did you have a difficult birth with DD2?

This is not the real you - you are exhausted, your body if full of hormones which are doing strange things to you. Your DD2 just wants to be held by you. If she had a difficult birth (and even if she didn't), sometimes babies just need to cry and let it all out. Just be there for her.

You are not allowed to think/write/say the word 'failure'. I made myself miserable with feelings of guilt and failure. Please be kind to yourself and talk to your HV or GP. I had a lovely chat with my HV who was so helpful, I feel like a new person now - it really works.

MrsJingleBells74 Mon 31-Dec-12 00:21:47

I know how you feel, I missed my DS1's earliest days really. But the stark truth is, unless you get help you'll miss a lot more of them.

I adore my 2 boys, they are my whole world but most of the time I feel like a crap mum, but then I look at DS1 (who's 2.10) and is one of the happiest, most sociable, confident little men ever & I figure I've got something right. Not a day goes by when I don't tell him & show him I love him & that is the most important thing you can do for a child (in my very humble opinion). But at the same time I'm struggling & not enjoying my boys as I should be. So hence my call to the GP. I don't want to frighten you off by harping on about it though, if you're really not ready then don't do it.

I don't think there's a parent alive though that doesn't think they could be a better parent.

Pumble Mon 31-Dec-12 08:59:08

I hope all goes well today mrs. I wish I had your strength.

If I ever managed to go....can I even take anything if I'm breastfeeding? I have fought bloody hard to keep feeding and I really can't give up now.

I know you're right about missing out on more but I just keep hoping something will change.

I'm pretty sure you can take something whilst you're breastfeeding, Pumble - but that is a good reason to speak to someone in RL, as a healthcare professional will be able to advise you on the best course of treatment/action.

I have several friends who suffer with different kinds of depression. Believe me, what you are saying sounds very like things that they say. I can't say any of them are totally 'well' but each have their own different therapies and medications which make the days and nights more bearable, and allow them to function on a more 'level' footing on a daily basis.
I have had depression too - not as badly as many here, but I recognise the signs and language.

You really are doing wonders just by coming here and talking about it. I said something like this to my friend recently who was in a particularly 'bad place' at the time, mentally. Yet she still made the effort to travel and see me (long story), after we'd been apart from each other for 15 years. I told her what a great achievement it was for her to have
a) decided to travel
b) organised the travel
c) undertaken the travel

All of these required a great deal of strength on her part. I can see the same strength in what you're doing on a daily basis.

MrsJ do you feel you might be able to share some of how things go for you? It may well be helpful to many others on this thread. smile

MrsJingleBells74 Mon 31-Dec-12 15:57:28

So I called the doctor today & he has referred me for counselling & increased the dose of my antidepressants. I'm not BF but with DS1 I was told Prozac was ok to BF with.

Will be a while for all this to work but it's a start. Feel free to PM me anyone if there's anything specific you want to ask or anything I haven't mentioned.

fatcuntroller Mon 31-Dec-12 16:39:16

pumble my love, I wish I could give you a great big hug. I know exactly how you feel. But nearly 5 years on I am better.

I promise you from the bottom of my soul, with my hand on my heart, that no one will take your children away. No one will judge you, and your gp will have seen this hundreds of times.

Please call your gp. Or ask your mum or Dh to make an appointment for you. If you can't find the words get a piece of paper and write a note. 'I feel depressed and I need you to help me'. Those 10 little words are all you need sweetheart.

Your babies love you and need you to take that step to get well.

fatcuntroller Mon 31-Dec-12 18:05:27

Bumping this in the hope pumble will come back.

Yes absolutely you can take antidepressants while you are breastfeeding - I was on sertraline for example, you just need to make sure that you are frank with your GP that you are breastfeeding and have no intention of stopping in order to take drugs in order to made the GP's life easier - that would have just made me feel 10x worse.

If you are at all concerned about prescription drugs and breastfeeding the BFN drugs helpline are great and there are some good resources on Kellymom too.

Pumble Mon 31-Dec-12 19:56:24

I'm still here but don't know what to say today. I wish I had some words to say how I was feeling-I just feel so detached from everything.

I have to admit that having this thread is helping-it's making me feel less alone so thank you to all of you.

I'm really pleased things went well with the gp mrs-I hope things continue to get better.

Pumble Mon 31-Dec-12 19:56:47

PS thank you for not giving up on me.

Christmas is a bastard time of year for depression of any sort, everyone expects you to be having a great time so it seems so much easier to slap on a smile and pretend everything's OK rather than admit you're falling apart inside. Add in exhaustion, hormones, lots of family plus some bank holidays which make getting to your regular GP not so easy then it's a sod.

Not giving up on you. Not on your nelly.

MrsJingleBells74 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:11:28

You don't have to say a lot, just check in now & again so we know you're still here & ok.

Sorry am not going to make much sense as am hitting the plonk now!

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Mon 31-Dec-12 20:18:05

Pumble, hang in there. x Things can get better.
Does your little one have a health visitor visit anytime soon? Could you maybe print this thread out and show it to them? That way you don't actually have to verbalise how you are feeling straight off.

ArfAPandaTreacle Mon 31-Dec-12 20:23:42

Pumble, why havent you seen your GP? Not just a about yourself (but of course that!) but about your babys colic?

I had a baby with colic and its very hard, but often theres a reason for it. Babies dont cry because they dont like you, or for the hell of it. They cry because somethings wrong. Reflux, trapped wind, intolerances, if they had a very quick, or invasive birth, if mums milk flow is fast (air gulping) there are lots of reasons why your baby could be in discomfort.

I went to the doctors depressed and in tears with DC2, no one judges you, no one threatens to take your babies away, they'll suppport and help you.

R2PeePoo Mon 31-Dec-12 21:03:33

Pumble, it breaks my heart to know that you are feeling like this when you don't have to. And you don't you really really don't.

No one will take your babies away, no one will judge you, no one will make you feel like a failure. A LOT of mothers feel like this after babies, my doctor said 50% or more, he told me he gets cried on by a mum at least once a day. No-one talks about it except in places like these but when I came clean and started to tell other people I discovered my own mother suffered as well as three or four of my friends.

I'm not giving up on you either. x

everlong Mon 31-Dec-12 21:06:55

Just keep posting pumble just whenever you feel you can.
Ringing your GP is the biggest step to make at the minute. Once that's done you will then hopefully get the support you need.

noteventhebestdrummer Mon 31-Dec-12 21:27:07

Use this then if it helps, so glad that is does!
I think feeling isolated with misery is a really hard thing to manage - Christmas is another stressy time and it doesn't help that there are so few daylight hours. Do you think you could try to get 20 mins outdoors each day? Go and feed the ducks? Just to get some vit D and to escape your 4 walls for a bit?
Hugs too smile

((Pumble))

and two fingers up to anyone who says 'boak' at 'unmumsnetty hugs smile

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 31-Dec-12 21:36:51

Pumble 20 years ago I felt like you do, my DS screamed every time he saw me (or so it seemed to me), he didn't sleep, he sicked up most feeds, he wasn't content unless he was being held (usually by anyone but me). I can see now that I was depressed but at the time I was terrified they would take my children away, my feelings weren't helped by my life experience as a child. But now I can see how irrational I was. My GP was great, she helped me work through it without antidepressants in my case because I wouldn't take them.

I now have two adult kids who tell me I am/was a great mum and who am I to argue.

Somewhere at the end of the very dark tunnel you are in at present is a tiny chink of light, it might not seem like it but it is there and slowly but surely you'll get to the light. Seek help if you can and keep talking. The fight is worth it.

Pumble Mon 31-Dec-12 22:00:09

I have taken to holding dd2 as much as possible and hugging dd1 when she stays still long enough and repeatedly telling them I love them (even more often than normal) in the hope it will be their memory of this time rather than them remembering me being a mess.

I am just so cross that I feel like this.

I don't want to push everyone away but now I have done it I don't know how to stop it.

Detached is exactly the word - that's how I was, for so long. I didn't have a clue that it was PND, it was my sister in the end that made me see the doc, I really didn't think they could help me.
Also, I didn't want to take any pills as I (wrongly) thought it would mean I had to stop bf. I've been on some bf-friendly antidepressants for nearly 6 months now and the change in me is immense - I'm hoping to come off them soon.

Look, maybe you don't believe the GP can help, but perhaps you could think of it like you're indulging a pushy relative (in my case my sister, in your case a bunch of MNers!) and just go see the doc anyway - let them see you and see what they think.
You clearly love your girls dearly, and when you say you wish you could be a better mum to them, well, you can - you can get well and start enjoying them. I've enjoyed my son so much more since I got help, I really really wish I'd done it earlier.
Keep talking to us eh? smile

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Mon 31-Dec-12 22:26:40

I don't want to push everyone away but now I have done it I don't know how to stop it
Well you have taken the first step and admitted you have a problem. Even if it is just on here.
How about emailing a link to this thread to somebody close to you?

noteventhebestdrummer Mon 31-Dec-12 23:16:59

Don't worry, they don't remember you bring wobbly, not if my sons are anything to go by smile

NaturalBaby Mon 31-Dec-12 23:50:38

I pushed everyone away too when I was struggling. Those who are really close and love me understood and were always there for me when I eventually managed to talk it through properly and explain how I was feeling. Talking it through with them really helped.

There's lots of us still here rooting for you.

Pumble Tue 01-Jan-13 17:15:22

Still here and trying to make the most of any smile from dd1 and cuddles with dd2 to get me through the day.

I know none of you have judged me but I just worry if I show people in RL they will judge. People think I am a very sorted person....little do they know but I don't want to burst the bubble....

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 01-Jan-13 17:24:04

Your mum and DH probably realise something is wrong and are wanting to help. If you don't feel able to talk to them could you email them instead? I find it so much easier to express what I want to say by written word, that way I do not have to feel like I am constantly watching their body language for (my conceived) signs of rejection.

everlong Tue 01-Jan-13 17:27:40

If people care about you they won't judge. I promise you.
But if you talk to your gp and possibly start medication you will feel better very soon hopefully and people won't have to know.

magimedi88 Tue 01-Jan-13 17:40:45

Pumble, I'm glad you're still here & what I am about to say may sound a little harsh, but it really, really isn't meant to be.

If anyone did judge you (& I don't think that they will) they'd judge you a lot more for getting in your car & leaving your DCs than they would for asking for help from either your DH, Mum or GP.

Do you know, Pumble, that most people like to help others?

There are now 130 messages on this thread - all from complete strangers, all of whom want to help you & not one who has judged you.

If you lived anywhere near me - Sussex - I'd drive round & go to the GP with you, if that would help.

Sweetie, you've told all of us lots & that's a huge step. Just one more little step & you'll get even more help - I promise.

Pumble Tue 01-Jan-13 18:01:19

I really appreciate that magi but I'm in bucks. But the fact you offered means a lot.

I think because I judge me for feeling like this I imagine others will too if that makes sense.

I'm not writing off going to the gp or telling people but this is the most I can do at this precise moment.

I saw a Cognitive Behavioural Therapist when I had PND, and it was rather a revelation as she pointed out that those that admit to being perfectionists, are professionals, or people regarded as someone to be relied on to sort things out find it the hardest to admit something is wrong as they feel that they will be letting people down by doing so. Does this sound familiar?

Sunnywithshowers Tue 01-Jan-13 18:33:37

Hi Pumble, it's great that you're coming back and talking to us.

What you say about feeling like you'll be judged makes perfect sense to me.

Big hugs xxx

Badvoc Tue 01-Jan-13 18:37:23

Pumble...show this thread to your family.
Keep talking.
X

Apparentlychilled Tue 01-Jan-13 18:39:42

Oh Pumble- you poor love. I could have written your post 12 months ago. I felt so useless after having DS and so stupid- I was meant to know what to do to settle him etc, as I'd already had DD (now 4). An I felt so angry with myself that I wasn't coping cos I was "supposed" to be ok 2nd time round.

Your girls love you more than you can imagine. You're doing a great job. And not being perfect or struggling with a teeny baby doesn't change that.

For me what helped was talking about it- telling friends and my Dsis how awful I felt. Sometimes that happened by accident- Dsis called when I was in floods of tears one day and I couldn't stop crying and I just remove thinking "my poor baby boy to have a mother like me". But actually it was just pnd. I got myself to GP and was referred to counselling quickly, which really helped. Exercise and a bit of time away from DC helped too, as did eating well (I find it so easy to opt for chocolate instead of proper food when I feel crap).

In the end I decided to go on anti depressants (sertraline as I was bf'ing, and I contined to feed him for anor 6 months after starting meds), only because I was frustrated w how long it was taking for self care to kick in and help me feel better.

Talk to your DH. Or maybe show him this thread? Or show it to your mum, or one of your friends? I know you say you've backed off from friends but I bet they just think you're busy w your DDs and would love to help and support you (as well as have a lovely cuddle w a beautiful new baby!).

Apparentlychilled Tue 01-Jan-13 18:41:51

And I am EXACTLY the kind of person quietbatperson mentioned above. I totally get the whole thing of judging yourself far harder than anyone else will. You are not alone in this and it won't last forever, I promise.

ImperialSantaKnickers Tue 01-Jan-13 18:53:47

Another one here who blubbed all over her gp about wanting to just leave them and go, go anywhere but here, and maybe never come back. There was no social services wanting to take ddtwins away, just an immediate referral to counselling and a prescription which I could take if I wanted. In fact, just telling gp had already made it better, I didn't take the pills, and was back on my feet after only a couple of sessions with the counsellor. All I'd really needed was to be told it was entirely normal to feel inadequate, useless and miserable so soon after birth, and it would get better.
Please talk to a HCP soon OP, soon the only thing you'll feeling silly about is that you didn't do it sooner.
thanks

magimedi88 Tue 01-Jan-13 19:23:04

I'm not writing off going to the gp or telling people but this is the most I can do at this precise moment.

That sounds like a real step forward to me.

Have you read back this thread, right from your first post, Pumble?

If not, go & do so & I think you'll see that you've come quite a way already.

Little steps, little steps & you'll conquer it - I promise.

And we are going to be with you, every step of the way.

(( hug ))

shinyrobot Tue 01-Jan-13 19:47:12

Hi Pumble, lots of excellent advice on here but just wanted to add a couple of things; first of all well done on persevering with breastfeeding! Could you use that to your advantage when your dd is unsettled on a night, I used to bf laid down in bed with my baby laid on her side, she would stay latched until she fell asleep and I could doze off easily and get much needed rest. This worked very well for us and meant that dh was able to sleep too.

I also recognise what you say about time flying by and missing out on those early days, I have 5 dc and it has been the same every time, I see photos and eventhough I am in them have no recollection of the events, stress and lack of sleep certainly plays a part here I think.

I'm so glad you have not ruled out speaking to your gp, I have several friends and a close family member who have had pnd and and all were glad they did seek help, I can only admire their (and your) strength for both coping to the degree they did and for going and speaking to someone to get help. All are completely fine now with perfectly happy healthy dc. No children were taken away, there was no involvement of anyone other than their gp, counsellor and the health visitor of one friend as that is who she initially spoke to.

You will get through this, it does not feel like it now, but you will. I have suffered from depression in the past (not pnd) and I remember the big black hole it felt like I was in then, it felt like I would never ever escape. I remember the detachment and the tears that appeared from nowhere. But now it is just a memory and I have moved on so much that I cannot believe I ever felt that way. You will too, you will enjoy watching your daughters grow up happy and loved.

Pumble Tue 01-Jan-13 22:36:01

I have now read back most of the thread, mostly fighting back tears as I can't quite believe how kind and supportive you have all been, especially when you don't know me. I can see that I have made very little tentative steps but don't see at the moment how I can make anymore, other than staying here talking to you.

When I was at the park this afternoon with my girls, and sitting here now watching as DD2 kicks on her playmat (I'm sure many would say I am a terrible mother (the irony of them thinking that given how I feel) for not having her asleep at this time, but she's only little and she's happy and that's all I want for her) I know that I have to try to do something to make life better for them - they deserve that. They are the most special thing in the world to me and I love them so very, very much.

It's almost like I went onto autopilot after DD2 was born (I'm sure partly as a result of her birth) and suddenly the autopilot switch was turned off

Incidentally, I am just like the sort of person you mentioned quietbatperson

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Tue 01-Jan-13 22:43:56

Stop worrying what other people think. Nobody but you, DH, and the kids matter. Babies are up at all hours of the day and night. You're doing ok.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 01-Jan-13 22:51:57

Pumble My kids are grown up now and I know, hand on heart, that you are doing the right thing with DD2. She's a baby. She has plenty of time to get into a bed time routine. If I could have my time over again I'd fret less about the routines (and what other people think) and I'd enjoy the moment like you are now. My son has gone home to Oxfordshire after spending Christmas with us and I miss him like mad. It doesn't seem five minutes ago that he was my baby and now he's a strapping great 20 year old making his way in the world (and doing bloody well at it too). He and DD don't remember my depression. I do. All the kids know is that they are loved. They are very, very loved. I bet, one day, in 20 years time your girls will say that too. They will say "Mum loves us, she has always loved us and she has always done her best for us".

magimedi88 Wed 02-Jan-13 13:43:45

You stay here & talk to us just as long as you want & carry on with those little steps, Pumble.

It's so bovious how much you love your girls & what a good mother you are & how much you love them.

As hellhas says your girls will never remember your PND.

For the love you have of them, please go & get some help, please!

NaturalBaby Wed 02-Jan-13 14:50:12

You aren't a terrible mother - what have you done wrong? Worry about you're children? We aren't judging because we all understand and we've been there and come out the other side.
You're not alone and one day this will be you telling another mother that's she's not alone in feeling this way.

When I eventually told a RL friend how I was struggling she almost burst into tears because she'd been feeling exactly the same and felt like she didn't have anyone to talk to.

Sunnywithshowers Wed 02-Jan-13 15:06:58

Pumble, you sound like an absolutely lovely mum. Your love for your DC shines from every post, it really does.

Keep coming back and talking. We'll walk the little steps with you Pumble, whatever you can manage.

Pumble Wed 02-Jan-13 21:30:49

One of those days today... Dd2 refused to settle on me last night before bed and then two minutes with dh and she was fast asleep. This has pretty much continued all day except dh not here to settle. She wouldn't even settle after feeds. It just makes me feel so useless that I can't even settle her-what use am I if I can't do that? and dd1 has had one of those days where she asked for her daddy all day.

Sorry it's not a post saying I've asked for help in rl but instead is just me whingeing again. Sorry.

everlong Wed 02-Jan-13 21:35:48

Sorry it's been a tough day. If you felt better though these days wouldn't seem so bad. But I know it's hard to see that..
Just one phone call smile xx

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Wed 02-Jan-13 21:47:26

Thats normal for children im afraid. They do the I want daddy thing just when it hurts most. What I can say though, is that they are very fickle. Tomorrow, YOU will be the only one they want. They dont mean anything by it. It is in NO WAY a reflection on you. {{hug}}

Almostfifty Wed 02-Jan-13 21:54:21

Lovey, I've just seen your thread, you need to get yourself some help so you can feel that you're as good a Mummy as you obviously are.

Toddlers are fickle, none of my boys liked me as much as their Dad unless they were ill, when they wouldn't go to anyone but me. That's children. I knew they loved me, as yours do too.

Please, for your sake and theirs, go and get something to help you feel better. No one will think you're a bad Mum, lots of people need a bit of help when they've a new baby.

magimedi88 Wed 02-Jan-13 22:10:56

You are not whingeing. Not at all.

Sometimes kids just want dad - theey are 50% of him too.

Tomorrow they'll only want you.

Big hugs, & little steps.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Wed 02-Jan-13 22:15:14

Not whining, talking. You are telling us about your tough day because we're in a position to empathise, talking is good.

I was thinking about the way you talk about yourself, about 'whingeing', and wondered if you feel that your feelings aren't important?
You're upset, you and your feelings are important, and right now are the most important things in your family as you are the main carer for your little girls.
We care how you feel, and we're just strangers on t'internet, please don't think you don't matter, you're very important.
Small babies aren't exactly known as excellent judges of character, please try not to take your DD2's cries too personally, she has no idea the impact she's having on you! I hope tomorrow goes better, try to get some sleep eh? x

shinyrobot Wed 02-Jan-13 23:10:18

Ah, the falling asleep on another person thing! I think all of mine have done that at times, usually just after I have had a good old moan about how the little blighter will NOT SLEEP, not at all, no matter what I do, I have tried everything I can think of all day long. Then 30 seconds in dh's arms and there is the most fast asleep, contented baby in the world and he is looking at me like this hmm whilst I am like this shock You have to take advantage and dive into a hot bath whilst yelling over your shoulder at dh not to move for the next 45 minutes so as not to wake the baby! Don't waste time being offended grin

You're not whinging, we'd be worried if we hadn't heard from you so an update is very welcome, good on you! You will ask for rl help in your own time, you have to feel ready as it is another thing to have to deal with, just keep doing what you are doing meanwhile (and try not to let the negative thoughts even enter your head, send them scurrying away whenever you can. I know that is easier said than done, but believe me, you are doing great!)

MrsJingleBells74 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:12:31

I've had days when both DS have cried every time they've looked at me. It's soul destroying but you can't take it personally. I'm sure they've done it to daddy too.

It's not whingeing, honestly this thread wouldn't be this long if you were!

Pumble Wed 02-Jan-13 23:24:06

I can't do this

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Wed 02-Jan-13 23:34:01

Yes. You can. Just keep calm and breath. One day at a time. Some will be good, some bad, just keep going. One day soon, you will realise that the good days have overtaken the bad days. If you really cant do anything else to help yourself, just keep posting here. We are all ready to listen.

noteventhebestdrummer Thu 03-Jan-13 05:32:43

Was Dd2's birth a bad experience? That can take a LOT of working through if so - you can get specific help with that.
Hang in there!

NaturalBaby Thu 03-Jan-13 15:11:31

How are you this morning pumble?
Don't be sorry. When is your DH back and have you all been out for a walk today?

magimedi88 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:01:46

Still here, Pumble.

How are you, sweetie?

There are about 90 of us watching out for you - (( hug ))

tb Fri 04-Jan-13 03:08:20

Just thought I'd pop in again. I can remember being terrified that I would let dd down as my mother had let me down. One afternoon, she started crying in her cot upstairs, and I can remember having to pluck up the courage to go in to her, I was feeling so scared and inadequate.

I picked her up held her against my shoulder, and she stopped crying eventually - after about 30 full versions of Kumbayah. Who knows why it worked eventually, I haven't the faintest idea, maybe as I sang, (and sang, and sang), holding her against my shoulder, concentrating on singing and not really on her crying, I became less fraught and anxious, and she just relaxed and drifted off to sleep. When she was older, she used to ask for the 'God in the garden' story, and the poetry of the language in Authorised Version of the story of the Garden of Eden used to knock her out like a light. She always insisted that I hadn't read it all - but I had.

At 15 she still likes the song - and I've gone right off it. It was a relic of my mis-spent youth at Guide camps. It could have been a lot worse - thinking of the many verses of "you'll never go to heaven ....", "the quarter master's store" etc

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 04-Jan-13 03:52:09

Checking in on you Pumble, how are you.

EllenParsons Fri 04-Jan-13 04:15:13

Just read through all of this and wanted to add my support for you pumble. You do sound like a lovely mum, not a terrible one at all. I hope you can get some help and work through how you're feeling x

NewYearNewNN Fri 04-Jan-13 04:29:02

Hi, just checking in. thanks and <hugs>
How was Thursday?

Pumble Fri 04-Jan-13 19:15:44

I'm still here! Had a tough day yesterday, feeling a complete failure, hence the reason I didn't post, seemingly being unable to do anything right for either of my girls, but then, when I have my pragmatic hat on (this doesn't happen a lot at the moment I admit), I know that I had days like that when it was just dd1 and we all have days when we just feel a little grumpy. On the positive, DD2 did settle before 2am last night and although that might be a one off, I am taking it as a big positive!

I managed to get out and about with dd1 this morning as dh was at home and it was lovely to spend some time with just her if that makes sense and dh made me go to bed for a nap with dd2 this afternoon whilst he took dd1 to the park.

As you can probably tell, I am feeling a lot more positive at this precise moment - it's amazing what a difference a more positive day makes. I know it's only one day but I am just trying to take any positive as one small step at the moment.

Thank you so much for hanging on in there with me - you all have no idea how much this thread and your support means to me.

MrsJingleBells74 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:19:13

Glad you've had a positive day Pumble. Please try & remember it when you next have a crap day. It will help I'm sure. smile

Sunnywithshowers Fri 04-Jan-13 19:21:48

I'm glad you had a better day Pumble, you sound a lot more positive. smile One small step at a time is a great idea.

iMe Fri 04-Jan-13 19:30:10

I've been watching your thread, pumble and so happy to read a good update grin. Keep up the great work! (hug)

everlong Fri 04-Jan-13 19:32:21

Ah that's so good to read pumble keep going x

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Fri 04-Jan-13 19:34:28

Pumble that is good to hear, and you're so right we do all have good days and bad days and sometimes, incredibly shit days. Baby steps are the way forward, sometimes there will be backward steps too but it doesn't mean you're failing, it just happens sometimes. Keep on stepping forward.

magimedi88 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:38:57

Little steps, sweetie, little steps.

Just SO pleased to hear from you.

Your DH sounds like a lovely. lovely man.

There are lots of us here - all wishing you well & cheering on those little steps.

((hug))

NaturalBaby Fri 04-Jan-13 20:10:30

You should keep a little diary or precious little moments like those. You can then look back and see proof of what a good mother you are. Don't over think things, don't look back, just look at the facts of the here and now.

Afternoon naps are the only thing that got me through each day. Once my older ds dropped the nap then it turned into t.v time. I still feel guilty about how much t.v they have watched but it's kept me going so worth it!

Keep checking in, we'll keep thinking of you.

<hugs> and <chocolate>

Small steps Pumble, they all make a difference smile

Glad to hear you had a better day, Pumble - a rest can make a world of difference. I used to nap when DD was sleeping and still do from time to time in order to just feel human. And I only have the one child. I still find it exhausting and have days when I feel as though I've been totally crap. Deep down I know I'm not, but that doesn't stop me....

Small steps are definitely the right way to go, so please do keep coming back. smile

R2PeePoo Sat 05-Jan-13 02:19:25

Thats so lovely Pumble. You sound much more positive.

I find its much easier to pull myself out of a dark period if I can remember how it feels to be happy, if that makes sense at all (its very late and I have been studying so not sure how much sense I am making right now!).

Really pleased for you x

magimedi88 Sat 05-Jan-13 19:33:57

Waving to you, Pumble!

Hope you have had a wee bit of goodness i your day today.

We're still here!

magimedi88 Sat 05-Jan-13 19:34:18

* IN your day - obv.

Pumble Sat 05-Jan-13 22:24:02

Found today a struggle and ended up sitting on the sofa holding dd2 this evening with tears streaming down my face. I keep trying to think back to yesterday to keep me going but unfortunately at the moment that's quite a struggle. The feelings of failure are stronger than ever. hmm

magimedi88 Sat 05-Jan-13 22:34:28

You are not a failure.

You just need some help - in the form of a wee bit of medication.

If you had a broken arm I am sure you'd go & get it set.

You have a bit of a chemical imbalance in your head at the moment.

It can be sorted, but you just have to take another little step.

And we'll be with you every step of the way.

(( hug ))

Have you thought any more about speaking to your GP?

Oh Pumble, really, you're not a failure, you're really not.

Your girls won't remember any of this you know, it will pass, but you do need help - you can't do it on your own.
Can you try to explain what it is that is stopping you from going to the doctor? Are you scared they won't listen to you, or do you not trust your GP enough to discuss it with them?

Really hope you feel better tomorrow, xx.

You're not a failure, you're a wonderful and loving mother who is having a hard time at the moment.

My first DD cried ceaselessly (or so it seemed at the time) for the first 3 months of her life because she had colic. It was awful beyond words and the constant exhaustion made everything seem a hundred times worse - if there is even a whiff of post natal depression in there too, it becomes unbearable.

If you're embarrassed to take the step from talking on here to calling your HV, maybe an anonymous chat on the phone would help? Bridge the gap a bit? I had never called a helpline in my life until I was dealing with a screaming, cluster-feeding 5 week old at 2am, but I'm really glad I did. I spoke to the kindest, nicest women (I called more than once!) and they were so unjudging, gentle and reassuring.

NCT Postnatal Helpline: 0300 330 00773

Try to give them a call next time the baby is asleep - it can't hurt to talk for a few minutes.

SomeKindOfDeliciousBiscuit Sat 05-Jan-13 22:58:10

I haven't read everything closely but your posts talk about you holding your babies, the affection between you.

You are CLEARLY a good mother. It comes naturally to you, even if you don't feel it.

Don't worry about traumatising your children. It's better to cry than hide your emotions - they could tell something was wrong. If you can manage it, you can model what to do in this situation for them. If you were looking after someone who felt like you do, what advice would you give them?

Your GP might be able to refer you for counselling and provide mild ADs. They work brilliantly for some people. If they don't work for you then you don't have to keep taking them. It's certainly an option worth considering as once this despair lifts you'll be able to think and feel so much more clearly.

Good luck to you. I have had depression and it felt like I lived under metres of tar. You're doing so well to keep going and keep talking.

Sunnywithshowers Sat 05-Jan-13 22:58:39

Pumble you're not a failure. Keep talking to us - little steps smile

Big hugs xxx

magimedi88 Sun 06-Jan-13 20:07:49

[waving] Pumble!

We're still here, well, I'm still here.

Thinking of you, lots.

Big hug, lovely, big hug.

LittleBearPad Sun 06-Jan-13 20:17:55

Big hug. It will get better but you should see your GP, tomorrow if possible.

No one will take your girls away. You clearly love them a great deal and are a good mother. You just need some support and it may well be that some ADs will help you feel more yourself. They did me when I wanted to get in my car and keep on driving when DD was very new. It's horrible to feel like this but it's not unusual, you've done nothing wrong and you will feel better soon. But you need to tell someone in RL and ask thm for help.

We'll be here if you need to talk.

Pumble Sun 06-Jan-13 21:10:36

Thanks for still being here - it amazes me that you are!

DH has been amazing this weekend and let me have a lie in both yesterday and today whilst he got up and did breakfast with dd1. I repay him by getting grumpy with him and snapping at little things. I get the feeling he knows that something is really not right and he really is trying but I still don't quite want to open up to him which is ridiculous given how supportive he is and how much he is trying.

I'm terrified about dh being at work again tomorrow but one step at a time... It turns out that being a perfectionist isn't the best move at the moment!!!!

I have my 6 week check with the gp on thursday - I can't imagine saying anything at the moment but I suppose I have four days to think about it...

Sunnywithshowers Sun 06-Jan-13 21:19:49

Hello again lovely

I've found it difficult to open up in the past about my depression and anxiety. Try not to worry about Thursday just yet - it's a few days away.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 06-Jan-13 21:22:56

ive suggested it before, why not print out this thread. Let the GP read it. Truly, no one will judge you.

crookedcrock Sun 06-Jan-13 21:26:37

Pumble, I want to send you good wishes, you are doing your best and that is the most any of us can do. Could you maybe just call your mother or dh and tell them simply that you are not well/ill? I'm sure they will help you. You are doing so well.

everlong Sun 06-Jan-13 21:28:09

It's good you keep posting pumble and lovely to read that your dh is looking after you.

Don't stress about saying anything at your check up. Maybe just write a few things down on a notepad to prompt you?

If the GP asks then that is a good time to mention it if you can't bring yourself to say it first - I found it such a relief when my HV talked to me about it and asked how I was feeling as I found it hard to broach the subject.

Pumble Sun 06-Jan-13 21:44:16

The HV mentioned PTSD as a result of dd2's birth (more in conversation than anything else) but after mentioning it, I haven't heard from her since. I remember from dd1 that the HV's around me are generally as useful as a chocolate teapot!

I am considering printing out the thread catpuss. I do take all the supportive advice you are all giving me on board - even if it doesn't seem like it, I promise.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Sun 06-Jan-13 21:55:17

I know. smile If HV mentioned it, its obviously something she considers you might possibly be at risk of. Just remember you don't have to suffer in silence. {{hug}}

magimedi88 Sun 06-Jan-13 23:07:23

We will be here for you for as long as you need us - believe that, Pumble.

I do think that taking this thread (or some of it) to the GP on Thursday would be a good thing.

If I were closer to you I'd come with you to the GP, to hold your hand & tell you that the GP will have come across your problem once or twice before in her/his career.

Sending you hugs - and we won't go away!!

DH has also been great to me this weekend, I've had a haircut (me time!) plus a really long lie in & it still isn't enough hmm. He's back at work tomorrow since before Christmas and I'm dreading it too. If you want you can PM me your mobile number & we can swap supportive texts?

I'm probably waffling on, I don't make too much sense at the best of times let alone half asleep!

MammaTJ Mon 07-Jan-13 03:16:32

YEs, to printing out the thread, it may be useful if you can't actually find the strength to say the words.

AlienananaReflux Mon 07-Jan-13 03:44:53

Just want to add my support love. So so many of us have been where you are, and are looking back, you can get over this.

Your DH would be relieved if you spoke to him you know, bet he's worried about you.

Keep posting, there's always someone around here to talk to.

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 05:37:47

Sitting here with tears streaming down my face. Dd2 hasn't slept all night and won't stop crying or settle. I can't do anything. I'm back to square one and planning on leaving when dh gets back. There's no point going to the gp, leaving is the only right thing for my girls.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 07-Jan-13 05:41:29

Pumble, leaving isn't the right thing for your girls. It's not even the right thing for you.

I'm not surprised that you're absolutely exhausted and at the end of your last nerve. Please, please, please talk to your DH about how you're feeling, and please see your GP urgently.

As I said before, the love you have for your DD shines through what you write.
Your DD need their mummy.

You deserve to feel better than this, and running away really won't help the way you're feeling. Please see your GP - just show them what you've just posted. They will totally understand and they can help you feel like yourself again.

Big hugs to you Pumble xxx

Greenkit Mon 07-Jan-13 05:41:36

Pumble, you owe it to your girls and your Dh and yourself to go to the Dr's and ask for some help. Asking for help isnt a failure, sometimes we all need help. Do not leave, you children and Dh need you and you need them.

I promise things will get better, if you look really hard there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it might be really small at the moment, but it will get better.

Please please make an appointment tomorrow xx I bet 99% of us have been where you are now.

Keep talking and posting

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 05:46:16

{{{Pumble}}}

there IS a point to going to the GP - you most probably have post-traumatic stress from DD2's birth.

They will listen to you - you must be totally honest with them. They will have seen it before, and will have the best course of action for you

Your girls are very lucky to have you as their mum.

Your Dh will understand and support you, I'm sure.
Ask him to make an appointment for the doctor's later this morning.

don't leave your beautiful DDs, they need you, really they do. But they need you to be well, and that is something that the doctor can help with.

don't be sad sad

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 05:55:08

I've just let everyone down

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 05:55:23

Right.

Show this thread to your husband RIGHT NOW.

Sorry to be bossy but do it. Now. Wake him if needed. Now.

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 05:59:30

Pumble, no you have not

we said we'd be here for you and we are

but Loops is right - you need to get this sorted very quickly

is your DH there with you now?

if not, can you contact him? or a friend?

Greenkit Mon 07-Jan-13 06:02:32

How Puffle, how have you let your Dh down??

You have two beautiful children, you ARE a good mum, I promise you

Sunnywithshowers Mon 07-Jan-13 06:02:48

Pumble, you haven't let anyone down. Not one tiny wee bit.

More hugs xxx

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 06:05:21

He's just gone to work.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 07-Jan-13 06:06:54

Can you text him, Pumble? Let him know how you're feeling? xxx

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 06:08:08

call him - tell him to come back

seriously, this is more important than his work

don't worry, it will be sorted out, but I don't think you can do it on your own

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 06:08:14

If I text him he'll come back and I don't think he should have anymore time off work having just had time off for Christmas etc

GrannyRatOnAScooter Mon 07-Jan-13 06:08:28

Pumble <i'm holding you>

You are NOT a failure

You ARE a good Mummy and Wife

The love is evident from your posts. Your DH sounds as though he would be really supportive if only you open up and let him help.

Please wake him up and show him this thread.

You need help from him and others. Keeping these feelings a secret really isn't helping your precious DCs.

Please darling find that bit of extra strength to reach out to your DH.

GrannyRatOnAScooter Mon 07-Jan-13 06:10:02

Text him now. Don't think about it, just do it. Sod work. You need him. Now, please.

I'm here so keep talking.

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 06:12:40

The worst thing is I feel like I don't love dd2 enough and that's why this is happening. I feel I was coping with dd1 and I'm just a failure for not coping with both girls and it's because I don't love dd2 enough. But I love her so much and am sitting here with my arms around her just saying sorry.

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 06:13:56

I sent him an email with a link to the thread.

GrannyRatOnAScooter Mon 07-Jan-13 06:18:21

Well done thanks That was a really brave thing to do. I am very proud of you.

That was a huge step in attempting to help yourself out of this misery.

It certainly sounds to me like you love both DDs more than words can say. I truly feel with the right support, you will be the happy Mummy you want and can be.

Keep talking, I'm here.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 07-Jan-13 06:18:26

Well done Pumble, that's a really good idea.

You are a good mummy xxx

fiverabbits Mon 07-Jan-13 06:22:24

WELL DONE

If you can't go to the GP ask your DH to arrange a home visit.

That's what I did and my DC'S were 8 & 9.

The GP was really good and realised how ill I was by the fact that I didn't go to the surgery.

Hugs to you.

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 06:22:43

so you DO love her - you love her so much. She will know that. Because you are there for her, holding her tight

have you had a cup of tea this morning?

if not, off you go - go and make yourself a cuppa brew

can you bring your 6 week appointment forward to today? phone the receptionist and see if you can do that?

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 06:24:05

Good that you sent him a link - he will understand

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 06:24:05

Well done! What fantastic news, that has really made my day! smile

You have just taken such a big step towards everything going really well for your family. Your beautiful daughters already have a lovely Mummy and Daddy who love them, but now their Mummy will get the help that she needs to clear her head and see how well she is doing.

So many people suffer from either PND or PTSD. I know of quite a few close friends (all sane, together, normal and respectable people) who have really struggled with it before asking and receiving help. Every single one of them (myself included, PTSD not PND) are now happy, confident people.

You have done brilliantly. Well done. Do let us know when your DH responds, I for one will be worrying about you until I know that he has come home and taken you to the GP.

smile smile smile smile smile

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 06:24:12

I can't stop the tears. Dd2 is asleep but getting wet hair from my tears as I daren't put her down because she's finally quiet and because I don't want to. I need to be holding her. If Dd1 wasn't asleep I would be grabbing her and holding her as tightly as I could too.

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 06:26:45

You know that you have just taken the most positive step you will ever take in making sure that you are always their for your girls? I hope you are proud of yourself, you are a star. smile

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 06:26:54

*there

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 06:27:23

OK then hold her tight

you're doing fine, sweetheart

Mr Pumble, if you are reading this, please get home as quick as you can

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 06:28:23

When will DH get to work? Is he likely to read his email straight away? I bet you are feeling a bit anxious but a bit relieved now. Sit tight. xxx

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 06:30:27

I sent him a text saying I'd sent him an email and sent it to his work email address too so he should check it on the train. What if he thinks I'm being stupid or selfish for feeling like this? What if he thinks I'm a failure?

good to see you're getting help.

I just want to say I felt like you a couple of weeks ago (DS2 is 8 weeks). That I couldn't do anything right and that people and DC would be better off without me. DS1 was wiping my tears.

It was the depression talking.

I don't feel like that anymore. Because none of that was true.

I'm sure once you get help you'll get much better and you will, like me, see that you're not a failure at all. It's so normal to feel crap sometimes, don't be hard on yourself...

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 06:36:26

Love, he won't think those things. To be honest, he will probably be relieved that you've finally opened up to him and admitted there's a problem - he will have seen it himself and not known how to help.

Well done for the text. I really hope he comes home at the next train stop.

Mr Pumble, your lovely wife is relying on you. Please hurry home to help her. She loves you and your girls very much. smile

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 06:36:43

he won't think you are failure, he will think you are brave for letting him know

you gave birth in traumatic circumstances only 6 weeks ago, and you have been caring for both of the girls over the stressful Xmas period. You are a bit of a wonderwoman, really!

He will be there for you - that is the wonderful thing about having a partner- you can be a team.

Go Team Pumble smile

HecatePropolos Mon 07-Jan-13 06:41:11

If he does, then he's an arse of the highest order and frankly doesn't deserve you! Anyone can see that you are in pain and struggling and you need him so much. He needs to be there for you, because you really need him. And that's what you do when someone you love needs you so much - you drop everything and you give them what they need.

You need help. You need to see the doctor and get the help that you need.

You have daughters? Imagine one of them was going through this. What would you want them to do? Struggle alone, hiding their pain? Or shout out for help and get better?

You don't deserve any less than your children. And you deserve to be helped for you, for your husband and for your children.

Please. I've been there. I have hidden depression (I had psychosis after my first son was born, thought he had died, thought he was a demon... it was horrible.) I hid it from all professionals, because I was scared. Although I was able to tell my husband. But he did the worst thing - he helped me hide it, cos he was scared too.

Don't make my mistakes. Please. Get the help you need and are entitled to.

If you had broken your leg, you wouldn't hide it,would you? you'd go and get a cast.

If you had a chest infection, you'd go for antibiotics.

This is NO different. It's just a different part of you that has suffered an injury and needs help to recover.

noteventhebestdrummer Mon 07-Jan-13 07:03:57

It will be OK.

One thing I realised really early with my sons was that I could teach them that when things are tough then they need to ask for help. This seemed to be a very important lesson!

It came about in truly awful circumstance when I had to explain why a friend of ours had died - my little sons could not understand how anyone could be so sad as to want to die (the friend committed suicide) - and almost by chance (partly because I was so angry) I said that our friend should have asked for help and KEPT asking, that if the first person he asked could not help then he needed to ask another and another until he found someone who could.

This was such a mega life lesson! It helped with trouble with nasty kids they met at school, it helped with a bullying choir master (later jailed sad), it helped in a thousand trivial situations in their childhoods and adult lives.

Teach your girls this too?

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 07:05:28

Pumble, is your DH on his way home?

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 07:12:08

He's back and being lovely. He also says he can't believe how supportive you are all being, something I agree with.

He's just got to get me to the doctors now which may be easier said than done but surely telling him was a good step?

noteventhebestdrummer Mon 07-Jan-13 07:13:41

Yay! Go Pumble's DH! You're great!

HecatePropolos Mon 07-Jan-13 07:15:09

It was a good step. He needed to know how you felt in order to help you.

Now you have to let him help you.

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 07:18:11

grin hurray, Mr Pumble!

Team Pumble are GO!

now for that doc's appointment...

you can do it, pumble - you MUST do it for your girls

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Mon 07-Jan-13 07:19:16

Telling Mr Pumble is the biggest step.....and you did it smile the GP will be a piece of cake. Well done lovely. I know you don't feel it but its clear what a wonderful mummy you are. Your girls are lucky, seriously xx

TanteRose Mon 07-Jan-13 07:19:53

also, please get your mum back on board - she will understand why you felt you needed to push her away.

she will want to help too

GrannyRatOnAScooter Mon 07-Jan-13 07:22:51

Very well done Pumble so pleased for you. This is a massive step in trying to help yourself.

BistoBearWithBaublesOn Mon 07-Jan-13 07:40:10

Well done Pumble, telling your husband is the first step smile You are not alone smile

I'm so pleased you have told your husband. I'm sure he's relieved that you've finally told him what's wrong, I'm sure he must have felt something wasn't right. Now you can get the help you need. Brilliant.

Please keep posting, and Mr Pumble please find somewhere for support also, my DH would tell you it's going to be hard work for you too. But together you'll both get there. thanks

cq Mon 07-Jan-13 07:49:18

Have just woken up and read this thread from start to finish.

Aren't husbands luffly sometimes? And now I appear to have something in my eye.

Good luck Mr & Mrs Pumble, I know you will get through this now that the first very hard step has been taken.

Sunnywithshowers Mon 07-Jan-13 07:53:37

Pumble, you have just made my day with your last post. I'm so pleased. grin I've also got something in my eye.

Mr Pumble sounds like a top bloke.

thanks to both of you. Go Team Pumble! xxxx

Borntobeamum Mon 07-Jan-13 08:00:23

Just want to sent Mr Pumble a hug too
Keep reading with us and we'll get through all this

A problem shared and all that....... X

shinyblackgrape Mon 07-Jan-13 08:21:00

Oh pumble - big hugs. I have a 5 week old DS and stumbled in your thread during a night feed. I know a little bit of how you feel as I had quite a traumatic birth (not as much as yours) and couldn't establish breast feeding. I spent most of DS' first 2 weeks howling or feeling totally numb. I truly thought I was going nuts and if it wasn't for my lovely DH, my mum and dad and wonderful mumsnetters being so kind to me on my threads, I think I would have run away. I totally identify with how you are feeling.

More by accident than design, I've managed to establish expressing well so DS is being bottle fed breast milk. However, I so know that feeling of not ybeing able to settle him while he screamed hysterically. The reason being that he was starving and stupid midwives were telling me that my latch was fine and that I needed to persevere with a feeding cup to supplement him or else the would never go back on the breast. It wasn't til he was nearlyn2 weeks that he was diagnosed with a bad tongue tie by a really good lactation consultant. He's never gone back on the breast as he loves bottle feeding and that's fine with me. I just wish I'd given him a bottle much earlier as I still feel awful about those hysterical nights with us both in floods of tears when he was just hungry.

I'm so glad that you're getting help And would really second asking the doctor re reflux etc with DD. Also, Asimov not sure how you are feeding but might be worth getting DD checked for tongue tie too? It could very well be that she is hungry and once that is sorted out, she is much more content.

So pleased you are off to the doc's and fingers crossed you are feeling much brighter later b

AlienananaReflux Mon 07-Jan-13 08:30:16

Oh it's such a relief to know your DH finally knows how you feel, now he's in it with you, beside you, as it should be. You are not alone, if he tells them its an emergency, they should get you in today. Best of luck love xx

magimedi88 Mon 07-Jan-13 09:55:11

Pumble, I'm crying as I type this - I'm just so happy & relieved that your DH knows about this now. You have really made my Monday - I can't begin to tell you how happy I am.

I know we all said 'lttle steps' but you've just taken a giant leap - well done, sweetie.

Big hug & to Mr Pumble too for being such a great guy & coming straight home to you.

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Mon 07-Jan-13 10:02:44

I am crying here. Mr Pumble, look after her or you have all of us to answer to! grin I'm so glad you did that Pumble. The only way is up!

everlong Mon 07-Jan-13 10:09:13

It's going to be ok pumble flowers

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 11:10:24

smile

I really hope you're at the GP and getting some help and support.

My mum had (undiagnosed) PND after my DBro was born when I was 2. She would shout and cry and totally overreact to things. Well, that's what she tells me. I only remember a mummy who was lovely and kind and always gave me cuddles when I wanted them and hardly ever got cross.

Your girls WILL NOT register any of this. Like you my mum didn't tell anyone how bad she was feeling because she thought we'd be taken away. She lay awake at night guilt tripping about the psychological damage she was doing to us by being so 'useless'. It was all bollocks. It was the depression making her think that and it's probably exactly the same for you.

Wishing you lots of love, support and health.

R2PeePoo Mon 07-Jan-13 12:53:11

I'm so pleased Pumble! Well done for taking that first step.

Look how far you have come already since your first post!

If I didn't have a grumpy half naked boy on my lap I'd do a little dance of happiness!

I'm joining in the chorus of happy MNers, well done Team Pumble! thanks brew smile

That's one major hurdle leapt successfully, I'm so so glad Mr P is with you. smile

I'm so relieved, and am going to go make myself a cuppa to celebrate! grin xx

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Mon 07-Jan-13 13:39:43

Well done Pumble it took guts to tell your DH, I am glad he is on your side. Tiny steps and you will get there. We're on your side, one day in the future you'll be able to look back on your experience and support another mum who is going through it.

willowstar Mon 07-Jan-13 13:49:59

Well done, really feel for you, you will look back on this time soon from a much happier place and realise how unwell you have been.

Greenkit Mon 07-Jan-13 15:04:21

I am so pleased for you Puffle, you have taken a big step in telling your husband. Now take his hand and go to the Drs, he is there for you, so please be kind to yourself and just go and see what the DR says.

I guarantee he will have seen loads of new mums like yourself and will know what to do xx

Just caught up, I'm so pleased you've told your husband. Small steps all make a difference, but this was a huge stride smile

LoopsInHoops Mon 07-Jan-13 15:45:09

Just wondering how you are, if you made it to the GP, how you're feeling? smile

Almostfifty Mon 07-Jan-13 16:48:53

Oh well done for telling your husband. He's obviously brilliant. I hope you realise now just how much your family love and need you.

NaturalBaby Mon 07-Jan-13 17:44:11

'PTSD as a result of dd2's birth' - you poor thing, no wonder you feel the way you do.

I hope you had a lovely, understanding GP to talk to this afternoon.

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 18:09:04

Thank you for all of your encouraging messages today. I am indeed very lucky to have my dh. I didn't get to the GP today, but fingers crossed we can get an appointment tomorrow as realistically I think waiting until Thursday is probably too long....

CockyPants Mon 07-Jan-13 18:32:34

Hello Pumble. I think you should re read your posts, and see what a lovely loving Mum you are. You are not a failure, you are a fab mum who is stressed overwhelmed and knackered. The positive feedback other MNers have given you should show you that you are not a bad mum, and that sadly these feelings are quite common place. Mr Pumble sounds great, may I borrow him?
Big hugs x

magimedi88 Mon 07-Jan-13 19:28:48

Hi Pumble,

I bet you feel very tired after the huge steps you have taken today. Don't worry if you do - and I have all fingers & toes crossed for you getting an appointment for tomorrow.

* " realistically I think waiting until Thursday is probably too long...." *

That in itself is such a great leap forward to be realising that.

Big hugs & we all be here for you for as long as it takes !

xxxxxxxxxxx

GrannyRatOnAScooter Mon 07-Jan-13 19:32:51

Hi pumble you have been in my thoughts all days. Sending you love and strength.

NaturalBaby Mon 07-Jan-13 21:07:07

Oh, honey, not much longer to hold on.

What have you got planned for tomorrow? and have you eaten lots of good stuff? Eating well really helped get me through the day - particularly the post lunch chocolate/sweet fix!

Jollyb Mon 07-Jan-13 21:15:51

pumble am so pleased that you've told your DH. Just tell yourself you are one day closer to feeling back to normal. Next step is the GP appointment - get your husband to phone first thing. They should be able to fit you in given the nature of your problem. I'm sure they would consider a home visit if you feel you can't make it to the surgery.

Do you have a supportive health visitor - mine was fantastic when I had PND. She came to visit at least weekly. Any other family around who can come and keep you company during the day. My mum wasn't a huge practical support but I found having someone else in the house helped ease the panic.

Will be thinking of you

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 22:05:54

Not sure I'll make it to gp tomorrow. The thought of trying to get myself, dd1 and dd2 down there fills me with dread. This isn't helped by dd2 being so unsettled so probably in for a night of no sleep again...

hi, have you got anyone who could babysit for you whilst you popped to the doctors, that might make it a bit easier. Would your dh be able to be on night duty until 11 or 12 (hopefully fitting in with feeds) and you could go up earlier and get a bit of sleep that way.

Pumble can your H come to the GP with you? That way he can support you on the way there, keep an eye on your DDs whilst you speak to the GP and then praise you all the way home for taking the next big step?

So pleased to hear the progress you've made so far! I hope you are able to reward yourself with a nice brew at least.

NewYearNewNN Mon 07-Jan-13 22:31:22

<hugs>

So proud of you!

NewYearNewNN Mon 07-Jan-13 22:32:42

And Mr Pumble is a complete star too.

You'll get there, all four of you. Together.

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 22:51:34

Dh needs to be at work tomorrow and I can't think who I can get to babysit unfortunately (and I do mean the unfortunately bit).

I did come to bed but dd2 then insisted on being fed! She's feeding now. The problem is I feel dh can't do much overnight as je has to get up at 5:15 every day for work so needs some sleep.

I don't think I'm in your area otherwise I'd say drop off DDs and go. Any MN-ers around?

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Mon 07-Jan-13 23:21:34

Where are you Pumble?

Pumble Mon 07-Jan-13 23:43:27

Am in bucks. I don't think I'm going to have the energy. Dd2 still screaming. I just don't understand why feeding doesn't calm her, even for a bit. I just feel I'm failing her even more when even feeding doesn't help her hmm

flowersfortea Tue 08-Jan-13 00:17:53

I have sent you a PM.
Just take it step by step - even if that means waking your DH up to take a turn with the baby now so you can sit with a cup of tea for 10 mins, he can always snooze on the train tomorrow.

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 00:40:49

And I've walked out the house

Acky123 Tue 08-Jan-13 00:51:34

I can't do anything to help you but hoping a bump will bring people who have been talking to you about what you're going through sad

Take some deep breaths, is dh aware you've gone? Did dd2 finally sleep?

(((((Hugs))))))

Can you turn round and go back? You've taken such big steps already, you are so close to getting the help you need please don't give up now!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 08-Jan-13 01:15:21

Take a breather, Pumble, keep posting if it helps. There are so many posters here who have been exactly where you are now, they understand.

LittleBearPad Tue 08-Jan-13 02:06:11

Hi Lovely. Where are you now? Hang in there - it will all be alright. I know it might not seem like that now but it will. Big hug.

TanteRose Tue 08-Jan-13 02:19:15

Pumble where are you now?

come back and talk to us smile

Pumble where are you? Come back & talk to us. You've done so well so far just hang in there a bit longer.

geekette Tue 08-Jan-13 04:41:37

another one rooting for team pumble!
I shed a tear or two reading through this thread.
only a loving mother would want so much for her daughters to have the best.
your dh is ace too. babies are such hard work.

an unsettled 5/6 week old is quite depressing and the sleep deprivation doesn't help.

you've had some fresh air and a chance to calm down after a night most mums would find hard. that's an OK thing to do!!!

can you make it back home now?

I wish gps had an online appointment booking service..

please get to yours. I know it seems a hassle now. but they can help.

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 04:43:37

Dh got me to come back although I don't know why he bothered. I just don't know what to do. Dd2 did finally sleep for a bit which is something and hopefully will help her a bit. I just wish I could do something to help her.

MumVsKids Tue 08-Jan-13 05:01:16

Oh pumble sad

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low.

You've come so far since you first posted, don't give up now, you will feel better and you are so obviously a good wife and mum.

Keep going, you're doing great xx

geekette Tue 08-Jan-13 05:22:54

whatever you've done or are doing for her is all she needed. just being there is enough. it is hard to believe that if she's unsettled but it's true.

as the last poster said: you are doing great!

hang in there.

Jollyb Tue 08-Jan-13 07:57:40

How are you this morning pumble?

LittleBearPad Tue 08-Jan-13 08:11:42

Thinking of you

MorrisZapp Tue 08-Jan-13 08:18:19

I've been exactly where you are, pumble. What you describe is normal, it happens to loads of mums. I thought I was a terrible mother, but in fact I was ill.

Luckily, doctors know a lot about pnd and their job is to help. They absolutely will help you. Nobody will judge you for having an illness, I promise!

I practically lived at my local GPs practice when I was ill, but that's what they're there for. You need help, they will give you help.

You are in my thoughts, I know just how scary and utterly defeating this illness is, and what it feels like. Massive hugs xxx

Sunnywithshowers Tue 08-Jan-13 08:43:47

Hello lovely Pumble

I'm sorry you had such a rough night, I'm so glad you came back.

Big hugs to you, I hope today is a better today. The fact that you told your DH is a massive step, and you have been incredibly brave.

Little steps. xxxx

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 10:21:08

Sitting at GPs waiting to see doctor. She's running really late which isn't a good thing as it is using all of my strength not to get up and go home and the longer it is the more chance of me going. Trying my hardest to stay put for my girls.

noteventhebestdrummer Tue 08-Jan-13 10:22:29

You stay put babes!

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 10:23:39

I'm waiting with you. Hang on in there!

everlong Tue 08-Jan-13 10:23:58

The biggest thing is just getting to the GP surgery and you've done that.
I'm sure she will be lovely and understanding.

JuliaFlyte Tue 08-Jan-13 10:27:34

Be brave Pumble, seeing the GP is the best thing you can do for yourself and your girls. You will be ok, breath slowly -in through your mouth, out through your nose, it will help you to stay calm.

ValentineWiggins Tue 08-Jan-13 10:29:26

Well done Pumble for getting to the doctor. That's the biggest step to take. Tell the GP the truth about how you are feeling - they won't judge. Please do take some anti-depressants though - they will help you get through the next few weeks until you can get some counselling. Don't try to battle on without medicine - you wouldn't for pneumonia and this is no different.

Good luck and keep talking here - we all really do understand what you are going through.

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 10:30:44

Stressing about dd2 now as she is due a feed. How are people who came after me going in before me?

TanteRose Tue 08-Jan-13 10:33:38

Hang in there - tell the receptionist that DD2 will need feeding and could they hurry up?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 08-Jan-13 10:34:52

Always the way, appear to waltz in seconds after arriving! Soon be your turn.

NaturalBaby Tue 08-Jan-13 10:35:23

are you still waiting - I know that feeling so well! You're nearly there, we're still here for you.
be honest with the GP - don't leave till you've got a prescription or something definite!!

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 10:36:07

The people going in before you are seeing other staff. Tell receptionist that you're under pressure as baby needs feeding soon, but do not use it as an excuse to wriggle out of seeing GP this morning.

Buddhastic Tue 08-Jan-13 10:36:31

Stay there Pumble, you've gone so far already. Hugs for you allx

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:02

Still waiting. And they're seeing my gp as gp collects patients in my practice.

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 10:37:28

It's been forty minutes since appointment time now.

everlong Tue 08-Jan-13 10:40:01

Don't panic. Just have a quiet word with the receptionist and explain you've been waiting and that dd needs a feed soon. X

Buddhastic Tue 08-Jan-13 10:40:57

Ask the Receptionist how much longer it will be....but please stay.

AndMiffyWentToSleep Tue 08-Jan-13 10:41:43

Can you ask the receptionist how late they're running? I'm sure it shouldn't be too much longer now...

TanteRose Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:06

Don't worry - it will be your turn soon.
Stay strong, Pumble smile

<squeezes Pum's hand>

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 10:43:48

Oh. It does get slower as the morning goes on in the surgery. But you have to start getting the ball rolling. dd will be ok, you need to start making yourself well again for her.

You must stay until you see the GP. You've done so well to get this far, you can do it.

If you don't, I promise I will drive to Bucks & take you myself. wink

magimedi88 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:45:56

Hang in there, Pumble - do it for your DDs.

I'll keep checking in for you - sending you a hand hold.

MumVsKids Tue 08-Jan-13 10:45:58

Whatever you do, wait and see the GP - you have done so well to get as far as you have, don't fall at the final hurdle so to speak, you're already doing something you didn't think you'd be able to do.

I'm hoping that as I'm posting this, you're in speaking I your GP.
smile

spiderlight Tue 08-Jan-13 10:48:47

Hurry up, Pumble's GP!! I hate waiting to see doctors more than anything so I do sympathise, but I'm also going to sit on you to make sure you stay.

magimedi88 Tue 08-Jan-13 10:52:18

It's 20 mins since you last posted, Pumble. So I hope you're with the GP now.

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 11:01:13

I hope you're in there with GP now too.

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 11:20:53

Just got home. Been given some AD and shes made my appointment on Thursday longer. She was good and I still have both my girls grin. Feel totally drained and exhausted now. Will post again later. Trying to tell dh about it whilst feeding dd2 and entertaining dd1. Thank you so much for 'waiting' at doctors with me-it really helped me stay.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 08-Jan-13 11:26:18

Really glad you hung on in there, sounds like you were able to talk to GP. Well done Pumble.

Good news. The ADs will take a while to kick in but hopefully the fact that you've done something will help you feel more 'in control', it certainly does for me. Which ones have you been given?

Onwards & upwards grin

That's fantastic. Not surprising that you're exhausted but so brilliant that you stayed. Another huge step forwards. You are doing amazingly (am trying not to sound horribly patronising but may have failed, sorry. Things don't come across written down the way they sound in my head).

magimedi88 Tue 08-Jan-13 11:31:22

Well done, well done! You've made another giant leap, Pumble.

Am not at all surprised that you feel exhausted - take it as easy as you can.

So pleased your GP was good.

Will catch up later. xx

JuliaFlyte Tue 08-Jan-13 11:37:45

Well done, onwards and upwards smile

so pleased for you x

WillSucceed Tue 08-Jan-13 11:42:53

smilesmile
Very very proud of you Pumble.
You've done so well.

smile

CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire Tue 08-Jan-13 11:44:36

Pumble, I am once again shedding tears for you! I am so pleased that you finally bit the bullet! Im sure things will get better now!
Next step: get DD2 thoroughly checked over. Get them to look for reflux, colic, tongue tie and anything else they can think of.
Am sending a big hug for you and one for your DH too. You are a proper pair of troopers! Carry on carrying on. You will feel better. xxxx

TanteRose Tue 08-Jan-13 11:51:09

grin grin

phew

great news about the longer appointment on Thursday - we will be with you then too, never fear grin

<can't stop smiling> smile

AlienananaReflux Tue 08-Jan-13 11:57:54

So so glad you went pumble and that you have the support of your DH, you will be just fine you know.
Then in 6 months, when a woman comes on with a post like yours, you can join the chorus of 'I've so been there'!!

massive well done, for being so brave, and the best Mum you can be.
l

spiderlight Tue 08-Jan-13 12:03:23

Well done!

The ADs won't kick in straight away - it takes about two weeks for them to build up in your system. They mioght make you feel a bit groggy/anxious/generally yack for the first couple of doses as well, but stick with them because they'll probably make a big, big difference once they start working.

GrannyRatOnAScooter Tue 08-Jan-13 12:12:20

Wow! Pumble you are stronger than you think. That took enormous strength to go to your GP and wait for so long, then explain your feelings. I'm super proud of you!

Take each hour, each day, one by one and keep talking to your DH and us. We all want to help.

I wish I was in Bucks as i'd love to offer some practical help.

Keep going x

R2PeePoo Tue 08-Jan-13 12:47:29

Well done Pumble! That was an amazingly strong and brave thing you did today!

Not taking tiny steps anymore!

Buddhastic Tue 08-Jan-13 12:52:49

Well done x

LoopsInHoops Tue 08-Jan-13 12:53:40

smile Well done smile

fiverabbits Tue 08-Jan-13 13:12:34

PUMBLE

My electric went off this morning for repairs but the first thing I have done now it's come back on is to see if there was any news from you. So glad to hear that you have been to the doctors,please give your girls a hug from me there is nothing better than hugging your children. Perhaps you should give your DH a hug to, I think he deserves one as well, best wishes.

Jollyb Tue 08-Jan-13 14:53:37

Well done pumble so glad you've made it to the doctors. Not an easy task with 2 children even without PND.

Greenkit Tue 08-Jan-13 15:11:54

Pumble, I have been thinking of you all day, your the reason I started posting on mumsnet, I have been lurking for ages smile

I am so pleased you got to the Dr's, see that light at the end of the tunnel, it just got a whole lot bigger. xxx

Have a massive well done you hug ((((((((Pumble)))))))))

NewYearNewNN Tue 08-Jan-13 17:15:19

Well done Pumble (and Mr Pumble and the Pumbletts)!!

Will be holding your hand on Thursday and any other time you need it.

magimedi88 Tue 08-Jan-13 19:56:31

Still here & checking in, Pumble.

xxxxx

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman Tue 08-Jan-13 20:06:53

Oh Pumble well done. I know how much strength it took to stay at the docs, hopefully the tablets will help you very quickly. You are one brave woman.

I'm so proud of you for staying to see the Doc and getting your prescription, I hope that isn't a weird thing to say! It took serious balls (ovaries? wink) to stick it out, well done.

My offer I pm'd you still stands, anytime, just shout. brew xx

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 21:24:51

Firstly can I just say how much dh and I love the term 'pumbletts' and they shall hence forth be known as that in our house! smile

In many ways, you are right, I do feel some sense of control but I did have a bit of a meltdown this afternoon when I was not managing to comfort or settle dd2 again. He was really good, despite me snapping at him and we got through it. DH took dd1 out for a walk after her tea as usual and I gave dd2 a bath with no one else around and no dd2 trying to climb in to 'paddle'... It was fantastic to spend some time like that with her and for the first time I really saw her smiling at me as opposed to others which was unbelievably special and just what I needed today. As I imagine happens with all children after the first, I feel we haven't had a lot of time just the two of us like that and so it really was wonderful (even if it was only a five minute bath).

The GP told me to phone my HV when I got home and tell them that she had said they needed to come and see me today to get the ball rolling on them supporting me. Remarkably (with a bit of help from dh) I did manage to phone them, but as we both feared nobody came or rang to arrange coming - what a surprise. The doctor also said that I needed to have company over the next few days but I am not ready to tell my friends yet so am hoping that dh will be able to work from home or take some time off. Unfortunately being me I am already telling DH that he doesn't have to stay at home tomorrow as I'm sure I'll be fine.... She also suggested I stop trying to do everything, and trying to take the 'pumbletts' out lots and instead just stay at home and take things easily, including trying to get some sleep!

I also had a moment of clarity when feeding dd2 this evening. I have been on nipple shields for a few weeks due to initial issues but am trying to come off them. By not using them this evening it was clear how ridiculous my flow is meaning dd2 is struggling quite a bit (something the shields seem to disguise) so it is possible that this is not helping her being unsettled. I am seeing somebody on Friday about ditching the shields for good so hopefully they might be able to help and look into this with me too. I don't know if it will make life any easier but it's surely got to be worth a shot looking into it. She is also a tongue tie specialist so hopefully she can check that really carefully too.

Well, I seem to have been waffling on a lot there -sorry. I know I keep saying it but thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to be here - it's really helping keep me going. You are all fabulous.

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 21:25:45

Thank you tiddlyompompom - I may well take you up on it when I feel a little stronger and calmer. smile

Greenkit Tue 08-Jan-13 21:41:57

Pumble, you don't need to tell your friends, just invite people round for a cup of tea and a chat. smile

Pumble Tue 08-Jan-13 21:43:11

I was prescribed sertraline. I have just read the leaflet with it... is there anything that isn't a possible side effect? I have yet to take one as that list does scare me a little...

Does anyone know if I can have the odd glass of wine on them?

ImNotCute Tue 08-Jan-13 21:50:40

Hi, only just seen your thread- well done on getting some treatment sorted. I've been on sertraline a couple of years and not really noticed any side effects myself. They have to go into huge detail in the leaflet so it can be offputting, but you may get none of them.

I don't think wine with them is an issue, I certainly have the odd glass.

Fingers crossed they'll kick in soon for you. Don't be afraid to go back for a different AD or higher dose of sertraline if not.

Please take one now Pumble, it's medication, it needs to get in to start working!

Try not to worry about the side effects - your doc wouldn't have prescribed it if there were a significant risk for you. If it turns out it doesn't suit you, you can switch to a different one.
I'm on Paroxetine, had a bit of nausea at first and am always yawning (weird side effect), but that pales in comparison to the constant crying and self criticism I had before ADs (plus I've stopped ripping DHs head off every three seconds).

Can Mr Pumble chase the HV up for you tomorrow?

almondfinger Tue 08-Jan-13 22:11:31

What a great thread, what wonderfully supportive people are on mumsnet and what a strong woman you are Pumble. Since that start of the thread you have come on in leaps and bounds and that's without even starting the meds. You sound like a wonderful little family and I hope you feel better soon.

I too had something in my eye at the end of my reading it!

My SIL had DD2 last Jan, a troublesome pregnancy, a difficult post natal period in hospital and then dd2 had colic. She told me she wanted to walk out everyday. I looked after dn for 2 hours so she could have a bit of time off and I was drained by the end of it, nothing stopped the crying for long. She took the meds for a couple of months until the colic ended and she felt better and has never looked back.

She is a brilliant mother and loves her two girls just like you.

Take care of yourself and shag the perfection for a while.

magimedi88 Tue 08-Jan-13 22:12:05

Odd glass of wine = no problems.

I know nothing re nipple shields - so you need some advice there.

But in your post you sound so much more positive and in control of things - I am so happy for you.

xxx

LittleBearPad Tue 08-Jan-13 22:15:27

Hi Lovely, I'm so pleased you went to the doctors today. Well done. I was prescribed sertraline and took them with really no side effects. I agree the list in the packet is scary but most leaflets like that are the same. I have drunk wine etc since I've been on the ADs. It's been fine.
Big hug.

FriedSprout Tue 08-Jan-13 22:18:56

Sertraline made me a little queasy, but only for the first week or so.

Certainly never had a problem drinking wine either grin

So pleased you saw the GP.

Hope you have a good night

I had a PTSD type reaction to the birth of my DD. It was a terrible time. I remember hardly anything and I was so anxious all the time.

Antidepressants REALLY HELPED. I can't emphasise that enough. One day I just woke up feeling like myself. Still knackered and overwhelmed but not full of gut wrenching fear that I couldn't cope.

You'll start feeling better too, in a few weeks. I promise.

I forgot to add re nipple shields;

DS had colic, tongue tie, and reflux so we used nipple shields too - when I needed to wean him off them, I'd start the feed with the shield on, then take it off once he was feeding well and relatch him (or at least try! It didn't work every time).

AndFanjoWasHisNameO Tue 08-Jan-13 23:17:57

smile Just catching up from today-well blooming done you!!! Don't read all the side effects-chances are you won't experience a single one, just get established on them first (takes at least 2 weeks usually) you will be absolutely fine with wine too .
When you say your supply is ridiculous-do you mean huge letdown? I ended up expressing the first 50 mls or so because DD was literally drowning trying to latch on-like you this was masked by the shields.
You really are quite marvellous btw smile we're all here for the duration with you.

NaturalBaby Tue 08-Jan-13 23:21:17

Waffle away, as much as you need to and then a bit more for luck. It will help - writing it down and talking about it will help.

I used to wipe myself out taking my dc's out every morning, I was horrible and exhausted by lunchtime and lost too much weight with the effort of it all. I've just spend 2 weeks at home doing nothing at all - we've all had a lovely rest, the dc's have all played really nicely together and we all really needed it.
So make sure you get a lovely day off tomorrow after going out today.

Good night Pumble and pumbletts.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Tue 08-Jan-13 23:35:27

Pumbletts, that's so sweet.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Wed 09-Jan-13 00:02:16

Oh love, I've only just seen your thread, it's a roller coaster reading it!

What is perfectly clear is that you are a wonderful Mum who is so incredibly sleep deprived it's no wonder you're struggling!!

You have no idea how common this is, I can see a couple of posters posting on your thread who had to be scraped up off the floor too smile Having a baby can mess your hormones up so very much - it's very unfair. But the good news is, you have something that will hopefully put that straight quickly!

Have you thought about asking your Mum to come and stay for a few days? You should tell her, but I understand if you don't want to, you could just say that you could do with the company and DD1 really needs her to come and play and go to the park etc as she's finding it hard not being the only one (a little white lie wont hurt!).

DHPumb - you sound lovely and I'm so glad you now know what's going on!!

Please keep your 'positive' posts and read them when you start to feel like it's dragging you down - though hopefully the AD's will kick in soon and you wont feel that way x

Bloody shame you are in Bucks - if you were near me I'd love to come and chat, cuddle DD2 and take DD2 to the park and stuff... do you fancy moving?? grin

Pumble Wed 09-Jan-13 11:16:39

I did take a tablet last night smile. I figure I've got to at least give them a go.

Amazingly, dd2 didn't scream all last night so we all actually got some sleep and getting up for feeds is much easier when there have hours of crying afterwards! It feels amazing to have had some sleep. smile

Today is another day and we are all ok. Neither of the girls are dressed but they are fed, watered and seemingly happy!

I'm working on one hour at a time at the moment but that's ok isnt it?

I'd love to get my mum up but she works in a school so can't take time off and lives over two hours away so can't pop in. We are desperately trying to work out how to move nearer!

Pumble Wed 09-Jan-13 11:18:30

Yes, huge let down. When you expressed before each feed-was this just before dc latched on? And what did you do when out and about andfanjo ?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Jan-13 11:43:13

The power of sleeeeeep, beautiful undisturbed sleep.

One hour at a time sounds a good way to go. No rush to get DDs dressed, sounds very harmonious.

magimedi88 Wed 09-Jan-13 11:51:37

Waves at Pumble!

So pleased to hear you sounding a bit happier. And even more delighted that you had some sleep.

It really doesn't matter if your DDs don't get dressed at all - it's such a vile day here I'm not long out of my dressing gown (& probably only cos I know someone is calling in later!).

One hour at a time sounds fantastic to me - it's the way to go!

Big hugs. xxx

mrsL1984 Wed 09-Jan-13 11:55:31

morning, ive been watching this thread but not been ablet o find the words of support pumble needs, but i have been thinking about what to say. like the others i pleased you are now beginning to see the small light at the end of the tunnel, its easy for us to say it gets easier and u need to do X,Y,Z... but its finding the strength in yourself to do whats best for the pumbletts and mr pumble!!!(i keep wanting to yp

mrsL1984 Wed 09-Jan-13 11:57:53

sorry it posted midpost.....

i just been wondering are you stressing at night time when trying to settle dd2? wonder can she sense it and that makes her more fractious? perhaps u could ask a family member to come stay over and look after her while u get a few hourssleep i nthe day time. or express your milk and bottle feed at night perhaps, plus this will stop u getting engorged!!!

i will continue to watch this thread. all the best mrs pumble!!! :O)

Flumpyflumps Wed 09-Jan-13 12:03:57

Good luck pumble, sertraline helped me no end, bit of nausea but that passed after 2 weeks and the feeling of being a tiny bit in control is brilliant.

I did 1 hour at a time too and can highly recommend that strategy!

Good luck lovely lady you are doing great

Crimebusterofthesea Wed 09-Jan-13 12:59:46

Hello everyone, I've just stumbled across this thread and wanted to say thank you as reading it has finally given me the push I needed to go to the gp. I could have written most of pumble's posts word for word, except my DS is just over a year now. I'm determined to get better, I dont want to feel like this anymore. pumble, we can do this!

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Wed 09-Jan-13 13:02:37

Good luck, Crimebusterofthesea.

Pumble, go one minute at a time if you need to!
Crime, glad you found the oomph to see your GP & hope you feel better soon. You're not alone either.

Pumble Wed 09-Jan-13 14:36:32

crime I'm so pleased this has helped you too. I certainly wouldn't have got to the GP without these lovely ladies. I'm wishing you lots of luck.

The pumbletts and I are doing ok and the smaller seems much more settled today which I'm making the most of. It's so good to have less crying from us all. The HV phoned back and is coming on monday afternoon.

How's your week going mrshelsbels

everlong Wed 09-Jan-13 14:38:51

smile good to read this pumble you are doing so well.

shinyrobot Wed 09-Jan-13 15:02:24

Just caught up with your thread op, I am so pleased that you have been able to speak to your DH, go to the gp and phoned your HV, you have come so far in such a very short space of time, your last few posts are so positive now that reading them has given me a huge smile smile

And see, by posting, you have helped someone else too. I hope you are able to get some help Crime and do start your own thread if you feel able to. So many people have been through this before and come out the other side stronger than ever, just as you lovely ladies will smile

Saw the HV today & she's recommended a few ideas for things to