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Planning - what would you do?

(229 Posts)
funnymum71 Wed 26-Dec-12 16:32:40

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

funnymum71 Wed 26-Dec-12 16:55:56

reading this back made me think about how stupid I was sounding. I called the crisis team, told them what was going on and they're coming out 1st thing tomorrow and have also told me to take more valium tonight. Thats a much better plan.
ignore me. I'll get through this.

Millie2013 Wed 26-Dec-12 17:06:47

Sounds like you could do with someone to hold your hand tonight grinffers hand:


Millie2013 Wed 26-Dec-12 17:08:16

Duh, didn't realise that : and o made a silly smiley!! But you know what I mean x

Selks Wed 26-Dec-12 17:17:23

So glad that you have called the crisis team - that was the right thing to do. Wishing you strength. Be kind to yourself tonight, and keep thinking of your children.

funnymum71 Wed 26-Dec-12 17:33:43

thanks for replying. I told my DH that I had the crisis team coming out first thing tomorrow as I wasn't feeling so good. He finds it hard to deal with. He finds all of my illness hard to deal with. I do wonder how much longer he'll put up with it. I don't blame him as I know I wouldn't have the patience that he does with me.

Millie the grinffers made me smile. I'm starting to wonder what the crisis team can actually do other than keep feeding me valium in the hope that this is going to get better. they keep reminding me that it has got better before and it has, but everytime it goes wrong again I just get so down at the thought of being stuck like this forever.

jessjessjess Wed 26-Dec-12 17:41:43

Please consider calling Samaritans on 116123.

The crisis team won't think you are needy. They are there to help you.

jessjessjess Wed 26-Dec-12 17:43:46

OP it's not going to be okay for your children just because it's not xmas.

Please keep reaching out for the help you need

StewieGriffinsMom Wed 26-Dec-12 18:18:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amillionyears Wed 26-Dec-12 18:31:57

It sounds like, [as another MN who replies on here often says], it is the ill ness that is talking.

Glad you have got the crisis team coming tomorrow.

MonthlyWishesCameTrue Wed 26-Dec-12 20:55:00

the fact that you posted on here shows that you were still undecided and needed to seek help, knowing when you need to seek help is a really good skill to keep that insight. hope you Dh is more supportive and knowing that crisis is coming out tomorrow is enough to keep you going tonight.
Another hand to hold

Millie2013 Thu 27-Dec-12 15:04:41

How did it go with the crisis team? Thinking of you x

funnymum71 Thu 27-Dec-12 17:54:18

I spent over 2 hours with someone from the crisis team and the psych today. I'm keeping up with taking the tranquilisers. Someone is going to call me later tonight to see how I'm doing and then tomorrow my Care-co & someone from the CT are going to visit me as well. They've put me onto daily contact as I'm high risk.

The psych wants to sign me off work for a month and I just don't think that I can do that as I just can't afford to to take time off work, both financially and in terms of keeping my job. The only way I would take the time off is if they forced my hand by admitting me, but thats the one thing they won't do as while it will give me head-space it won't actually address any of the problems, so its a bit of a stand off.

I've been here before and I've got through it, so I just need to keep plugging away until it gets better. DH and the DCs are out at the moment and my first thought was to go out too, but I called the CT instead and talked to them, so something somewhere wants me to keep going.

I want my life back. I managed to stay well for nearly 10 years before, but have been going down for so long this time its taking a long time to get back to where I should be.

Thankfully I still have my sense of humour. If that goes I'm really fucked.

amillionyears Thu 27-Dec-12 19:41:24

Glad you are getting some help.

Keep plugging away, and hopefully you will feel a lot more like you normally do, soon.

Millie2013 Fri 28-Dec-12 08:28:31

I'm pleased that there are people out there, helping in real time. Have a think through your options re. some time off work, I am guessing that you don't have to decide anything right now

Still here to hold your hand xx

funnymum71 Fri 28-Dec-12 18:46:56

I really feel like my life is turning into a slow moving car crash. I'm watching all of the pieces fall down around my ears in slow motion as I'm standing in the middle of it all.

I'm on daily Crisis Team visits. They're telling me to apply for DLA as I am not well enough to carry on working at the same level. They've arranged a carers assessment for my DH and want to set up a meeting with the CAB where they'll take me along to discuss what can be done about my mortgage and finances if I can't keep up with my job. They want me to be signed off again.

Crash, crash, crash, crash, crash.

Suddenly I'm back to being a fucking vunerable adult again who has constant supervision either from her DH or sodding professionals to make sure I don't do anything to myself. I'm entering a world of benefits and external support agencies that I never thought I'd ever need to touch on.

I'm educated to post grad level. I've had a successful career. I have a fucking senior management Job, I speak at conferences, mentor people in other companies and in the community. I am NOT the person who I am at the moment.

Now I'm going to have an accompanied visit to the fucking CAB. Ha. Ha. Except its not funny.

I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!!!!! I want the life I had before I got ill back. Not the one I have now on never ending fucking medication and support and people taking over my fucking care. I want to me the me who kicks arse and is massively sociable and who manages a department and doesn't spend all day wanting to jump of bridges or in front of trains.

Its like I've stopped being me and I'm just a parody of someone who used to be OK. I want my life back. I hate the person I am when I'm ill. I really, really hate it.

xmasbanana Fri 28-Dec-12 18:56:07

Are your thoughts of jumping from a bridge intrusive thoughts or real wishes? I have had intrusive thoughts of self harm. I have selfharmed in my past but never so much I would actually die. Have you ever tried to kill yourself with real intention?

My career crashed 10 years ago. I was bright student but I got ill. I managed somehow to get phd but no successfull career to speak of. I can't take stress so I can't take managial jobs (i have been offered).

You can do this, telling people and accepting the support means you can get back on your feet, your world might look a bit different afterwards, but it will be ok.

I have had a similar thing career wise and it is just horrid, really soul destroying stuff, but you are more than your job.

Take care of yourself.

Hoophopes Fri 28-Dec-12 21:51:15

Hi - can you get signed off for a month, in order to see how you stabilise and then return to work if ok.

Your company must have sick pay? You would not lose your job if your gp signed you off with stress for example - especially if you saw OH and told them you were starting taking medication to help you and hoped to return to work. Even if you ended up having to stop or change careers, if you have a job with sick pay would it not be sensible to take the full 6months or so of full sick pay rather than waiting for DLA money to be sorted, or other benefits? A few months off work, with CT and CPN support may be what you need. You are entitled to a phased return to work and OH support.

If you have worked at such a level for so long, one crisis does not mean immediate stopping of job. You say you want your life back and control, so why not find out what your work sickness policy is?? Why not get signed off work and take it from there. People do burn out in jobs, do need time off - that is why jobs have sickness pay, or at least statutory sickness pay by the government.

Or can you take holiday days, that is paid work without work knowing you are ill?

funnymum71 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:58:05

Hoop - I've already had 7 months off sick this year, with a 2 month phased return, the second of which came out of my holiday allowance. Sadly, its not burn-out, its a diagnosed MH condition, which up until this year I'd been able to manage and had overcome for the last 20+ years, but this year caught up with me.

The reality of me taking more time off work is no pay, when I'm the main wage earner and probably a lengthy competency procedure where they push me out of my job as I'm not able to do it any longer.

I just feel like I'm running out of options.

EmilyMurphyLegallyAPerson Fri 28-Dec-12 22:19:53

oh, sweetheart. You are so much more than your job. you really are. I know you don't feel that right now but it's true. You just need to hang on. We'll be here with you every hour that you need us. x

Hoophopes Sun 30-Dec-12 23:34:19

Hi, you may have had lots of time off this year, but has Occupational Health suggested any alternatives? Would you be able to get your hours reduced at work, which may be more money than benefits - only if you could manage the hours? I had to go part-time due to mental health issues also. It is great you managed for over 20years.

Hope your mental health treatment and support helps you during this time.

funnymum71 Tue 01-Jan-13 19:07:13

I've made it through xmas and new year - go me. I've been having daily visits from the CT although I cancelled the one today after having a bit of a barney with the woman who I saw on Mon. She basically said that I didn't have a health problem and in her opinion, it was because I couldn't cope with / do my job.

What a load of bullshit. So I've basically been working at this level since 07 but suddenly I'm not ill, I'm just incompetent? Fuck that. Which bit of two psychs diagnosing me as bipolar AND the fact that if I'd not fucked about with my meds I wouldn't have ended up in this mess, does she not get. If I want someone to tell me that I'm just not good enough at what I do, or to undermine my self-esteem, I can go and see my mother, and at least then I'll get a cup of tea while she's making me feel like crap.

So there you go. The incessant thoughts of suicide, the planning, the sorting of my financial affairs, the panic attacks, the hallucinations and the depersonalisation - not a mental health issue. I just can't do my job and its making me stressed. Words can't describe how I felt after that meeting. Once I'd managed to stop crying and moved into being fucking furious, a whole day had passed.

The only thing that is keeping me going is the shed loads of tranquilisers that I am taking to get through each day. When I said to her that things just seemed pointless, she said "Well thats life really isn't it. Its monotomous and maybe if you accepted that you'd be able to get on with it."

So there you go again folks. If you start feeling that your life is pointless and not worth living, go and embrace monotomy and get on with it.

I'm bloody howling again now. 7 months off work, nearly 2 months as an inpatient, 3 suicide attempts and a complete sense of being detached from reality and its because I can't do my job and its making me stressed, and I am expecting too much from life.

How am I meant to bother with the CT after that? How?

Selks Tue 01-Jan-13 19:15:27

I'm glad you are angry about what that woman said - rather than believing it or it affecting how you feel about your job further. She displayed a staggering lack of understanding imo.
One thing that is obvious through your posts is that you are competent and able to do your job but are struggling with staying well. Hang on to your sense of identity - you are a professional woman who is good at her job.
Dont give up with the CT though. That was just one person; it sounds like other support you have received has been more helpful.

Best wishes.

xmasbanana Tue 01-Jan-13 20:03:49

She must have been related to my HV. She told me more or less the same.
Did you challenge her?

natsyloo Tue 01-Jan-13 20:27:17

You sound like an intelligent, self-aware person who has coped, and continues to cope remarkably well through a really difficult experience. I have some knowledge of how you feel as a 'high achiever' who has a good set of credentials against my name and was completely blown sideways by PND a couple of years ago.

I can't pretend to imagine I fully understand all that you're going through but I think, despite the pain of your current situation, you do still have a grip on the 'real' you...the one that is behind this horrible illness and the person you need to hang on to.

Keep talking, keep asking for help, keep hanging on in there because you are worth it and your family loves you very much.

I too would do well to remember that my job doesn't define me. We are all many things and it's really easy to get wrapped up in achievement, expectations and all that comes with this. You're good enough just the way you are. This will get better. Take each minute as it comes and keep asking for help.

Millie2013 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:27:36

What a silly, insensitive bitch!!!! What the hell is she doing in a job like that? I'm fuming on your behalf!! Do you feel that you can complain? Or is there someone who can say something on your behalf? Just what you need when you couldn't feel much shitter, is someone to make you feel that bit worse.

I once had a psychiatrist who, after a history not dissimilar to yours, told me that there was nothing wrong with me, I had issues with self control and time management. OH (having been through the above with me) went batshit at him and basically called him incompetent. I can actually laugh about it now, as it's so ridiculous, but at the time, it really made me question my treatment, diagnosis and right to be there. I do think that some so-called mental health professionals really shouldn't be in their jobs, as clearly have their own issues to sort out before they can help others. Sadly, the field does tend to attract such people.

If you need shed loads of tranquilisers to get through the day at the moment, then so be it, don't feel bad about this, as they exist for a reason and it won't be forever..

While I hate to say "I know how you feel". because I don't. nobody does, some of what you have posted really resonates with me and I have been in a similar place at times. I am now doing ok, not brilliantly, but I am well enough and have finally found a brilliant therapist who is helping me to work through my issues and never once has she dismissed anything I have told her (despite a lot of it being nonsense at times ;)) So please, please don't give up. I still have hold of your hand xx

funnymum71 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:35:23

I did challenge her, but I came home so damned upset it had done more harm than good. I'll be telling the CT that I don't want to see her again and I will be saying why.

I just wish I could get past this stage where every other thought is about killing myself, I really do. I know I can get past it, I've done it before, but its so hard when you're stuck in it and you can start to forget how it is when things are good.

It upset me as it tapped into my fears that perhaps I'm not good enough. I'm so vunerable to criticism, because my sense of self is slightly warped at the moment. I can't take it from the people who are meant to be supporting me.

funnymum71 Tue 01-Jan-13 20:43:28

it really made me question my treatment, diagnosis and right to be there.

^ That. Exactly that.

No one else in the team has made me feel like that. If its job stress, why am I on anti-psychotics and mood stabilisers? Why did I go downhill when I fucked about with them as I decided I could do without? Why didn't I have job stress before I was stupid enough to do that?

Bollocks to her.

Sorry that person was so rubbish. I have had a similar experience with some people from the CT. I think part of their role is a bit of 'tough love' because some people need it, you and I on the other hand maybe don't. It is very hurtful though and really makes you question yourself.

I have got far more assertive these days and I just say 'ok, but I still feel how I feel and that is not normal for me so I need the extra support'

You can request not to see specific people, I have it written into my crisis team file the people not to see me, they have been very good about it, not everyone meshes with everyone.

Sorry you are still struggling, take care of yourself.

Hoophopes Tue 01-Jan-13 21:51:44

Sorry you met one of the useless CT people - I have found the CT can be great, but the problem is that you see so many different people and some of them, as you have found out, are not very good at their jobs!! I refuse to see some people of the CT because they are not helpful and the CT know that now as I have made complaints about them!!

Are you taking your medication now ok and does it help when it is at the right level?

Millie2013 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:53:06

I'll be telling the CT that I don't want to see her again and I will be saying why.

Good for you, they need to know and some patients wouldn't have the courage to speak out. I'm really pleased that you are going to try smile and I can't imagine it will be easy

Bollocks to her.

Quite. Of the big, hairy variety!!

I just wish I could get past this stage where every other thought is about killing myself, I really do. I know I can get past it, I've done it before, but its so hard when you're stuck in it and you can start to forget how it is when things are good.

You can get through this stage sweets, I promise you that, but in order to do so, you need consistent help from the right people, you simply can't do it on your own. And you are good enough, even if good enough right now means getting through one day at a time, with the help of your meds, because unless people have been there, in my opinion, nobody knows quite how bloody hard this is and what an achievement it is!

How has today been for you? Big hug, in case you need one xx

funnymum71 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:55:03

I am so, so low. I've spent the whole day pretending everything is OK but inside there's just nothing there at all. If you'd have met me or spoken to me today you'd never have known what was going on in my head. I've been my humerous self. I have such firm plans for tomorrow now that I don't see any other route to take. A tiny voice is telling me to call the CT, but I think they believe I'm just making it up and attention seeking and calling them will prove them right. If I talk to my friends they'll want to stop me. If I speak to DH it will upset and worry him. I've come this far and I don't see another way out.

funnymum71 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:15:33

I've told DH. I think he's going to call the CT for me. This is just so ridiculous now, it needs to stop. I need to pull myself out of this. I have small children FFS. I can't do this to them.

You know you must ring the crisis team now.

funnymum71 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:47:03

I called the CT, explained the situation, explained what my plans are and have asked for a call at a certain time to disrupt the whole plan thing.

I still think they don't believe I'm ill. I think they believe I'm just putting it on. I think they believe I'm attention seeking. I don't trust anyone at the moment.

They do believe you are unwell. You deserve this help.

Be safe x

Hoophopes Wed 02-Jan-13 22:27:56

Everyone under the CT is ill, and you too are ill. Hope you get the support you need right now and tomorrow.

Millie2013 Thu 03-Jan-13 14:17:17

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling so much sad and I wonder if the worries about being believed are part of the problem itself, as I have experienced similar and I have heard others say the same. What you are going through is very real, you are not attention seeking or putting it on, but I do think it is hard to believe how real it is, when you are in the habit of putting on the brave face. You don't need to be seen falling apart to the rest of the world for this not to be real. Or sufficiently serious to warrant help

And as I said above, you can't pull yourself out of this on your own, nor should you expect yourself to, it's just too much

Did the CT phone you when they were meant to? And what are the longer term plans for your care? and most importantly, how are you feeling now?

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:06:58

Well today turned out spectacularly badly. Went to the station to jump in front of a train. All of the fucking trains were delayed. Crisis team called and I told them where I was so they kept me talking until the police arrived. Police took me to local psych hospital. Didn't section me as I didn't kick up a fuss when they arrived. Crisis team and Psych turned up (one I'd not met before) and they assessed me as safe to go home. No places in local hospitals.
So I'm back at home. Still suicidal. Still not safe. I give in I really do. I've just lost the will to fight this any more.

You have done so well to stay alive today, the fact that you are talking to people means you want to be here.

Is your husband around all day to look after you? Are your children being looked after? When are crisis coming tomorrow?

Millie2013 Thu 03-Jan-13 18:50:21

So sorry to hear this, but I do struggle to accept that you are well enough to be discharged with clear suicidal intent sad Did you put on your "I'm ok" face to the psych?

I won't let you give in, you can give in on today, because it sounds like a pile of shite, but please try and find an ounce of fight from somewhere, even if just to get through one minute at a time

I have recently been cursing late trains (London Midland are on my hit list), but I am so relieved that they were delayed today, because it means that you are still here. Even if you wish you weren't right now, there are people out here who care about you and want to see you out of this horrible, horrible hole xx

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 19:04:01

Hey- could have been reading about myself. So sorry you are being tortured like this. Can't live with the meds, can't live without them even more! I had a relapse last year after fiddling with my meds and I'm too terrified to ever do it again. Nearly cost me my life too.
The CT are so general in their training that they quite often muck it up. Listen to those that help you and DISMISS those that don't.
Where do you live if you don't mind me asking? Sounds like you need a place to escape to until you stabilise again.
As someone said, take tranqs as much as poss until your meds work again, then worry about coming off them when you are better. I have come off high doses ok before.
Bless you so much- let me know if you are near Exeter in any shape or form and we'll have coffee xxx

natsyloo Thu 03-Jan-13 19:48:14

I just wanted to reiterate what everyone is seeing - please find the strength within just to get through this. I know you feel completely out on a limb but you are poorly and you need help to get you out of this nasty place.

So many people care about you and want you to be well. Although it feels like a lonely, desperate place, there is a way back from this and you just have to take each teeny step at a time.


natsyloo Thu 03-Jan-13 19:48:55

Sorry, meant saying not seeing.

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:20:15

I've had a call from them this evening to sort out a meeting tomorrow. They've said I need to think about what I'm doing as its not fair on the person on the CT who gets put into the position of having someone threatening to end it all and having to get the police involved.

I know. I know all of this. If I could snap out of this fucking thing I would, I really would. The appointment is out in town and I don't know even if I'm safe leaving the house. I am sure they must think I'm just putting it on or something or they wouldn't be leaving me high and dry like this and I wish I was sodding well putting it on.

I'm just living this mad dual life again where I'm not talking to my friends about it as I just can't carry on as I must seem so fucking needy and attention seeking. DH doesn't know. My parents don't know. How can I say to them, "oh by the way I was pulled off a station by the police today." I just don't know what to do any more, I really don't.

Other than the CT this is the only place left that I can actually say what I am thinking, and even then I wonder whether I'm coming across as a complete drama llama.

GracieLoo Thu 03-Jan-13 20:30:27

So sorry to hear how desperate you are. I have been there. One of my fears is close family being told. What have they said about involving your dh as there are children involved too? I have so much in my head I would hate family to know, but when I get so close, I have a niggle that if I survive this would LO be taken away from me. I know its hard, but think of your kids when they're ill, or need their mum, and you won't be there. Xx

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 20:34:20

No, not a drama llama at all. I have been there and I recognise a lot of what you are saying, and it seems totally normal to me for someone with MH issues. As I said previously I could have written the above, and I am in touch with a lot of other women who would find the things you have described as completely typical in your position.
You don't want to feel like this, you don't want to be looked after or under the care of the CT. You want a normal life with your family and to be happy and not suicidal. Who would choose to feel like you do?
Are you near Exeter? I would so love to meet you so you could have another vent for talking about you feel without judgement or having to put on a front.
It is not attention seeking - who would want that kind of attention! You are poorly.

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 20:38:30

Sadly peachy, I'm a very long way from Exeter. I'd struggle to meet anyway. I don't even want to meet my friends. Meeting them means pretending and I KNOW they would say that I didn't have to, but I really can't.

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 20:41:30

You don't know me so don't have to pretend! Fancy a phone chat? I'm not a weirdo stalker honest!!!

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 20:58:56

Realised may be a bit pushy. Let me know if you want my no, but I'll keep checking in here. Hang in there.

funnymum71 Thu 03-Jan-13 21:06:05

Thanks. I'm def an internet nutter, but a proper one, not a creepy one. I've just taken all of my meds and think I'll head off to bed early. Today is one I would really like to be over.

peachypips Thu 03-Jan-13 21:21:50

I am a certified nut job! Some days just need to be given up on. Praying for a good night for you.

xmasbanana Thu 03-Jan-13 21:59:42

What a awful day you had. Why are they bothering to ask if you are (actively) suicidal anymore?

Ten years ago it was enough when you said you feel suicidal. Nowadays they ask about your plans and asseeminly that is not even enough. Neither is actually beeing caught in the middle of it.

Millie2013 Fri 04-Jan-13 13:14:37

How are you feeling today, funnymum? x

peachypips Fri 04-Jan-13 13:49:55

Hope ur ok this morn x

luckywinner Fri 04-Jan-13 14:04:29

You could be me 3 years ago. And I want to tell you that you won't feel like this forever. I promise. See if you can think like this (buddhist-ish). Nothing is permanent. Try and think of one thing that is permanent. (I said the sun!) but even that is not permanent. It will burn out in a million squillion years. So how you're feeling will not be permanent. What I'm trying to say is you should try and think about just now, or maybe just the next 5 seconds. Try not to let yourself think ahead, as it is so overwhelming. I put a hair band on my wrist and pinged it everytime I started to project.

Thinking of you lots, and here to chat anytime you need it. Btw my suicide plan was tablets. I just wanted to escape how awful I felt.

funnymum71 Fri 04-Jan-13 14:31:34

I had a meeting with the CT in town. they thought it would be good to get me out of the house. I made them take me home as it was too much for me. I don't feel safe at all. There aren't any local beds. nearest is over an hour away.
I feel desperate.
they want me to tell them what they can do to help. if their visits aren't helping they'll stop them. Then what? Oh god I feel so awful.
I've taken extra diazepam and quetiapine and still feel awful. what do I do? I could cry.

xmasbanana Fri 04-Jan-13 14:45:52

Does it need to be a local bed? Over an hour is not that bad. Or can you queue for a local bed?

I have started to think psychiatry really do not have all the answers. I was given a list of meds from what I can choose which I want. great.

Millie2013 Fri 04-Jan-13 17:58:31

I'm thinking the same, could you take the bed that's an hour away, just for a short time? Would someone else being responsible for keeping you safe (IP) feel better right now than you managing your own safety?

funnymum71 Fri 04-Jan-13 18:58:27

The CT has been engaged for over an hour but I've left a message. The extra diazepam are kicking in. I've talked to DH & he's ok with me being admitted. Just need to wait & see what they say when they call back now.

Millie2013 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:26:15

Lots of luck. Please keep us updated if you can, thinking of you x

Thinking of you funnymum71. Engaging with the CT and taking the meds is so positive. Tell them you still need their support until/if you get a bed.

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:01:50

Morning all, thank you for your lovely support thanks.

The CT bleeped the on-call doc and they recommended taking all of the stuff that I take at night early as that should bring me down a bit and it did. The CT have been out this morning and I'm going to see the doc later this afternoon. I have a friend coming round to baby-sit me while DH is out and the CT will pick me up and take me home from the Drs appt.

Still no bed spaces anywhere. Nearest bedspace is over 60 miles away which is just too far. One of two things will happen. Either I'll be out of this hole soon or a bed will finally become available. Hope its the first.

Millie2013 Sat 05-Jan-13 12:43:15

That sounds like things are moving along a bit and good that you were able to medicate yourself. Lots of luck with the Dr this afternoon, still thinking of you xx

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 13:50:15

I had a friend come round and I told her exactly what happened on Thurs and she was lovely. Its always a worry when you talk about stuff like that as you never know how people will react. What she did offer to do is to lend me the money to pay my mortgage next month so I can go off if I need to. There really are some bloody lovely people out there.

The on-call doc is with another nutter at the moment, but they are going to call me later when they are free. It really helps to now that there's help there.

DH has just come home and asked if the kids had had lunch. I'd forgotten to feed them any. He's doing it now. When you forget to feed your own children you need help to get through the day.

Millie2013 Sat 05-Jan-13 17:59:23

There are some lovely people out there yes. How lovely of your friend smile

Ahh, the children will be fine, missing a meal won't harm them in the least

Any news from the Dr yet?

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 20:25:30

Yup, saw the on-call doc today and in that on-call doc fashion, they were fashionably late, but he was a nice chap. Went through my history, said I compartmentalise my life too much. i.e. Went into work, chaired a meeting, met with one of the directors to make sure my work commitments were up to date and then went to the station to jump under a train. This isn't normal apparently. No shit sherlock.

He's upped the amount of diazepam I can take in a day. He's also upped the amount of PRN quetiapine I can take in a day and has said 2 contacts a day from the CT for the next week to see how it goes. Contacts can be phone or visits or meet ups. The one who said it wasn't MH, just my job is coming tomorrow so that could be interesting. If nothing changes after a week or so they'll look at admission.

MH services in my area are a farce. They've cut and cut and cut again so now its almost impossible to get inpatient treatment even when you need it. All in the name of improving the patient experience. Ha.

I have a drs note waiting for me at my GPs signing me off for a month. I have no idea whether I should keep going at work in the hope that keeping that part going will help me keep my life going, or whether its doing more harm than good and I need to take the time to get well again before I go back so it doesn't get worse.

Buggered if I know which is best. What I DO know is that right and exactly at this moment, the extra diazepam is lovely and for one lovely doped up evening, I don't want to jump off a bridge. Hooray. <lovedup>

audlangsyne Sat 05-Jan-13 21:02:47

Hello funnymum71, I read through your whole thread and just wanted to let you know that I care. I used to be suicidal and have suicidal periods too, and, like you, would carry on functioning at work. One of the last suicide attempts I made in/around 2003 I left work (as a lawyer) and tried to kill myself. I no longer try to kill myself and know that I will not try to do so again. I hope you do not kill yourself and can someday also be sure that you can't do so. You must be in unbearable pain to want to kill yourself. In my experience there are very few humans who can bear others' unbearable pain, people try to disbelieve it or they try to control you. It is very hard when you are so low, but my advice would be to get through each hour by doing one thing for your own comfort/pleasure/enjoyment. No shame in taking more time of work and going to see the CAB if more time and help with your finances could assist, you can re-evaluate the decision in a short while and change things then if you want to return to work. If that is taken out of your control, e.g. if you are sacked, you can find another job when you feel better. I hope you get some sleep and it is good that the medication is helping you to relax.

peachypips Sat 05-Jan-13 22:53:21

Hope you're ok lovely lady. aud is so right about the unbearable pain. I have experienced it mentally and you can't survive without treatment as it is too agonising. Only thing stopped me from offing myself was being held by my OH.
So glad you told a friend. Nothing to be ashamed of, an illness like any other. You are being so strong and great and you will make it. Hoping for a bed for you.

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:23:59

I'm OK. Prob off to bed soon. I'm on so much stuff at the moment that my normal dose isn't knocking me out as it used to. Its been good to have an evening where I'm not skating along the edge of reason though. I've got Gabriels Oboe and the 3rd movement of Corelli's concerti da chiesa on loop on the ipod as they are the two most calming pieces of music I know.

I'm feeling so bad for DH as he looks exhausted. He's had the DCs and me to look after and its such hard work. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be a good day too. My DCs need for me to be well. DD is so clingy at the moment as I'm so distant and I hate that I can't respond to her like she needs me to. DS is easier as he has ASD and just doesn't notice what is going on around him.

aud thanks for sharing that. I hope that I can pull out of it as well. Its good to know that I'm not the only one who compartmentalises too.

funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:29:44
funnymum71 Sat 05-Jan-13 23:31:31

The best bit of the Corelli is about the last 40 secs or so which always gets me in the throat. Now I am taking my sedated arse to bed. smile

I am glad you updated. I guess it is about plodding on isn't it? And taking the diazepam ;)

I am terrible for compartmentalising. Totally normal behaviour then totally unwell behaviour. I think it makes it harder for services to manage you because it is not what they expect!

You will get through this.

Millie2013 Sun 06-Jan-13 10:15:30

Thanks too from me for the update, I am pleased that you have a plan to get you through the next week and remember, plans can be adapted and changed, it doesn't always have to be this way and hopefully they can move towards some longer-term means of getting (and keeping) you well. I hope that daft bint has had a think about her behaviour towards you last time and is a little (lot) more understanding today.

How are you feeling this morning?

Fluffy, I know what you mean about the compartmentalising- there were times I'd have been at absolute rock bottom the day before, but relatively functional on the day of an appt, so they got the "functional and therefore not in need of help" version, which couldn't have been further from the truth.

funnymum71 Sun 06-Jan-13 11:01:47

I've just had a visit from the "it's just your job and life" person. It was short and difficult as usual.

I'm glad its not just me who flips from well to unwell. Am I feeling suicidal today? Yes. Am I managing it? Yes. So when they talk to me I seem fine. How can I manage to be in work when I'm unwell - I just get on with it, but if I can go to work how can I say I'm ill. <sigh>

I have a drs note waiting for me at the surgery tomorrow, signing me off for a month. On one hand it would give me chance to recover properly. On the other hand it would leave me in quite severe financial difficulty for the month. Health stress that will lead to financial stress, or financial stress - which will cause more health stress.

There's a catch 22 if I've ever had one.

MaryQueenOfSpots Sun 06-Jan-13 11:05:35

I came across your thread today for the first time. How is today going?

It really resonated with me. 3 years ago I was in the danger zone of appearing to function (to HCPs) but knowing that what I was experiencing wasn't normal for me. I was also told work was too much for me and to give it up. I also had a well formulated plan of how I was going to end it all which thankfully was interrupted.

I hope you can find a way to hang on in there while you are in this really awful place. I'm so thankful I did now - but I was off work almost a year and then had a 3 month phased return.

On a positive note, 3 years down the line I have even had a little promotion (covering someone's mat leave). When I was off sick I could never have imagined that was possible - the thought of returning at all seemed impossible.

It does sound like you need rest, space and a supportive psychiatrist to experiment with the meds until you reach equilibrium again. I feel so confident that you will - bi polar disorder is so treatable but it takes time.

What you don't need is HCPs who think a behavioural approach is the answer to everything. Avoid, avoid, avoid. And if you can't avoid, switch them off and what you can't switch off vent on here.

Thinking of you today, and hope things stabilise soon.

MaryQueenOfSpots Sun 06-Jan-13 11:21:31

Cross post! Sorry it was the unhelpful woman today from CT.

When I was in a similar position, I was advised that financial catastrophe was more likely to happen if I stuck it out at work and then getting pushed out on capability grounds. Whereas if I went off sick while they still thought reasonably highly of me, I could then come back and would be able to sort out finances once I was working again.
And that is exactly what happened. We had to accept loans (from family) take a mortgage break, defer bills...but it was worth it in the end. Do you have any equity in your house - would that be an option?

All the best - will be thinking of you - and will check in later.

Millie2013 Sun 06-Jan-13 13:17:03

Sorry that PITA woman was a PITA. At least she's consistent, if nothing else!! (silly mare). I'd bet my life that you are not the only person to experience her like that

Did you have any more thoughts about your friend's offer of a loan? and have you looked into any other options financially? ^^ (sorry I'm not well up on what's available, but could the CAB advise? There must be lots of other people in your position) x

funnymum71 Sun 06-Jan-13 16:37:57

The problem with loans is paying them back. What if I can't make it back to work and then I have to consider how I pay someone back along with my other commitments. "Never a borrower or a lender be" rings very true with me. Mainly, it has to be said, because the two people I've ever lent money to never paid me back and turned out to be utter twats.

This morning I was feeling OK, not great, but not awful. This afternoon, not so much. I've handled more today than I have done in a few weeks. I've had both DCs as DH is ill and when he managed to get himself downstairs, I had to go out to the shops as we were almost out of nappies and milk. By the time I got back from the shops I was an anxious wreck again, so its back to relying on the drugs. It seems like so long as I don't have any pressure on me at all, I'm OK. Picking up nappies and playing with a dolls-house with DD should not be sending me over the edge, but they do.

I just wish the thoughts of self-harm would go away now. They are so, so, tiresome. My head says the only way to stop them now is to go and jump wherever I get to first. My grasp on reality says that the other option is to stick with it and get better instead. It doesn't help that I've spent the afternoon working out what music I want played at my funeral. Fucking iplayer.

mary I do have concerns that they'll have me on capability if I go off again. I just wish I wasn't responsible for all of the family finances as then it would be easier to let go of my job. But no job = no home and a huge mess. I have no idea which is the best thing to do at all, so will give it a go and see what happens.

audlangsyne Sun 06-Jan-13 18:33:12

Funnymum, I think it is really good you made it to the shops today even if it was really hard. You are feeling suicidal, and I am wondering what it is you think you would get from death? I know that may sound a very strange question but in my own suicidal periods I found that question actually helped me to define what I needed from life e.g. a break, no more demands made of me for a while, a rest from internal pain etc.
Ignore me if this is unhelpful, but it does sound mad to try to consider working whilst even going to the shops or tidying up at home brings on such anxiety or stress. That said, I hear you in relation to financial worries and the increased stress they bring. The CAB can be really, really helpful re any debts and payments, they can often use your illness to negotiate a temporary freeze on any interest payments or even a temporary freeze on all repayments. They told me this could be for a maximum of two years, but there is some scope for flexibility even with that. It can be a massive weight off your mind, leaving you to cope with other things such as the children etc.
If being around the children is also causing a lot of stress, which I well imagine it might do, it is very hard to join in with children's lives when deeply depressed, is there any chance you could go and stay with a friend or something for a little 'holiday' whilst off work?
Like I said, just ignore anything unhelpful, no offence taken...

audlangsyne Sun 06-Jan-13 18:39:14

Even, thinking about what music you want played at your funeral might mean that you would benefit from having lots of friends around telling you what they like about you, what you mean to them, being kind/respectful, celebrating your life, would that be possible in life now instead of at the funeral??

Millie2013 Sun 06-Jan-13 18:53:39

Does OH not work hun? So you are the sole earner?

MaryQueenOfSpots Sun 06-Jan-13 20:13:18

Re: the capability issue - I think you potentially have quite a lot of protection via the Disability Discrimination Act as it is a long term condition you are managing (just as it would be if you had Rheumatoid Arthritis that kept flaring up. So I think you are safe to take time off to address your long term health condition you are managing.

Re: loans from your friend - I know I would far rather lend someone money, never get it back but still have them in my life than lose them to suicide. It's hard to accept help though when you feel worthless and undeserving - which is one of the truly cruel things about this illness.

funnymum71 Sun 06-Jan-13 20:21:15

DHs work is going into liquidation, he's basically there till the ship sinks. Will be back in a bit. smallest is being a pain.

funnymum71 Sun 06-Jan-13 21:58:53

Thanks for all of the brilliant advice. Aud, I didn't realise that the CAB could do that. Maybe I do need the CT to take me there to discuss that after all. I've kind of rubbished the idea until now, but that could work.

I kind of have double cover for the DDA as my DS has SN as well as my being ill. All of the struggles I've had with his SN over the last 3 years are in part what led me to have my first breakdown. Juggling work and home commitments with 2 small DCs, one with ASD just got too much. Everything went downhill.

Why do I want to end it all. Now there's a question.

Earlier this evening I was back to making plans for tomorrow that involved me, a train and the end of everything. 6mg diazepam and 25mg quetiapine later and I have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything to harm myself.

So part 1 is that I am ill.

Why else. I just can't face more of this life. DS's SN aren't going to go away and the reality is that we'll be supporting him for a long time past what perhaps parents of NT children will do. This is going to sound awful, but I'm completely disconnected from him. He was in the SCBU when he was first born and the stress of that sent me properly bonkers. I didn't sleep or eat properly for the best part of a month. Then he never slept. We had broken sleep for nearly 3 years, with him only doing 8pm-6am by the time he was 3.

At 18mos he was badly scalded in an accident and I don't know if you've ever experienced what happens for burns treatments, but they are truly, truly awful. Their skin is gone. We had to take him into the hospital every day for dressing changes and he'd scream and scream in pain. We'd give him calpol beforehand to make it a bit better and it eased it for him. One day I forgot to give him the calpol before we set off to the hospital and I begged them to give him some and they wouldn't and as he was howling in pain, the guilt almost killed me.

Then when you are discharged from the hospital, you have to do the dressing changes at home. 3 times a day you have to make your child scream in agony. I'd get up in the morning, DH and I would change his dressings. I'd leave work at lunchtime and go and change his dressings and then last thing at night we had to do the same again.

Add it onto the fact that we'd just relocated to a different part of the country for me to start my new job before this happened and you have the recipe for when I had my first mini-breakdown in 08.

All the time when this was happening with DS, I had to keep going to work. It was a new job and had a 9month probationary period. I think this is why I just totally disconnected from everything as I just had to keep plodding on.

DD wasn't planned, but the 9mos off I had on Mat leave were the best 9 months I'd had in years. She was such an easy baby. DS was still in pressure garments and needed massage, but wasn't in pain any more and it was before everything kicked off with DS and his ASD diagnosis.

So I went back to work and came back to a whole heap of trouble, which I can't go into here, but I uncovered something that resulted in legal action being taken. DS was struggling in school and was assessed as they were concerned he had ASD traits and I was back to working stupid hours to support everyone.

The only way I could and/or can deal with all of this is to shut myself off completely from everything.

I'm shut off from my children, my husband, my family and most of my friends. I do let a few people in, but then feel vunerable when I do as then I have to show how I actually feel about stuff.

If you're completely disconnected from your life, its hard to see meaning or value in it, and when you are trapped in a loop of never ending slog, its hard to see the point in carrying on.

I'm aware that this is an epic post of epic navel gazing stuff, but its cathartic to get it down somewhere. If you made it this far, give yourself a biscuit.

MaryQueenOfSpots Sun 06-Jan-13 22:07:40

Bloody hell - with all that, no wonder you've a wobble.

It is said that depression is not a sign of weakness, but of someone who has been strong for too long.

Hope you can get some sleep/rest tonight.

funnymum71 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:08:31

I should also add into the mix that I've been through a number of restructures in the last 4 years and have had to fight for my job each time.

There was also a 15 month waiting list from having DS diagnosed to getting some help, so I was left floundering with a child who was getting behind in school, struggling at home and being bullied and not knowing what the hell to do about it.

Turns out that if you have all of that shit happen and you have bipolar, you end up having a major episode that almost kills you, then little after-shock relapses where it all seems bleak again.

MaryQueenOfSpots Sun 06-Jan-13 22:29:42

I don't have much useful to add - but I have huge admiration for you surviving all that. With your resilience, humour and obvious intelligence, you ARE going to get through this really hideous time as well.

audlangsyne Mon 07-Jan-13 09:58:22

Good morning funnymum.

I read through your post and will have a biscuit in a minute smile

You have been coping with a massive, massive amount and not at all surprising that you feel hopeless. People are always telling me I have gone through a lot in my own life (rapes by family members and a pedophile ring from as young as I can remember, followed by total cut-off from family, multiple suicide attempts, always working hard to become a barrister even whilst temporarily homeless (!), long failed court case against my abusers, leading to neverending threats to me/ harassment, two lovely DCs whilst single, one traumatic birth, diagnosis of dissociative disorder and chronic, complex PTSD for which there is no currently available NHS treatment - I'm not telling you this for pity but just to show that I DO understand what it means to have dealt with such a lot...and to think you cannot go on...)

I should imagine that having seen your DC in such pain in the SCBU and later in the burns unit, cutting off some of your normal maternal emotions towards him is a protective measure for your own sanity (much as I 'dissociated' when watching other children be raped). Then the drugs you are taking are probably helping to numb you from the build up of so much emotional pain which you weren't able to fully express at the time - I guess you had to stay strong and not just howl with him, as his mum.

All I can say is you have done brilliantly and are doing brilliantly. I would really recommend the CAB visit because they showed me every respect (I was a lawyer but in a mess, and couldn't go bankrupt because it would affect my career). Once the financial situation is not so desperate, you will not be so tied to your work and will be able to rediscover small moments of joy that make life worth living. People can help you to get more support if you need it with the children and supporting your DH too.

I know that when you feel totally disconnected from life (have been there) it is very hard to feel life is worth living as you already feel half dead. But if you can find one thing each day to give thanks for or to be happy about, however tiny, it can get you through.

I am not surprised you feel like killing yourself though (I hope you don't)

audlangsyne Mon 07-Jan-13 10:02:43

Just a thought too that it sounds like you might have PTSD from witnessing your DC in such pain if you are refeeling the feelings of that time or having emotional flashbacks to the powerlessness you felt then (when they didn't give him the calpol). Wonder if your Psych/ GP has considered that.

snowbanana Mon 07-Jan-13 13:11:22

oh, you have loads on your plate...

Do you want to die per se or do you want to escape your present life?
My suicidal thoughts have always been the latter, which I find better.

funnymum71 Mon 07-Jan-13 13:45:05

In work & not coping. Spoke to CT who offered me a lift home, but I don't feel safe at home. In work, but I don't feel safe in work. I just don't feel safe anywhere today. In answer to the question "whats stopping me" the answer is "fucked if I know" which isn't very helpful. I think if I do end up finishing myself off, it will be for something as simple as being fed up of thinking about it.

I forgot to bring my PRN with me this morning. I was 20 mins late in anyway and just disorganised. <sigh> Thats not exactly helping is it.

So OK, reasons why I will not do anything stupid today.

1. I have a business case to write
2. Its too damp and wet to go out there.

That will have to do for now.

audlangsyne Mon 07-Jan-13 14:07:53

If you feel safe talking on here that can be enough for today too.

Will check in on you later here if that's OK, once kids are in bed tonight.

Well done for getting into work, perhaps the distraction will help a bit too? Could you take a week off with flu or something just to give yourself some decision time as to whether to get signed off sick for longer. Just an idea if it feels too much to be at work.

georgedawes Mon 07-Jan-13 17:02:45

I just wanted to say it is no wonder you feel this way, you have so much on your plate.

Please keep posting. We care. X

funnymum71 Mon 07-Jan-13 17:35:06

Hello all. I'm home and I think I will be picking up my sick-note tomorrow and having a month off as recommended. Its not like I did any sodding work today anyway. I was late in, took too long for lunch and left ridiculously early. Better to be off sick than be that useless an employee. We'll just have to cope on reduced pay - ergh / argh / oh hell.

Aud I am in awe of you going through all of that and coming out the other side, I really am. It does put things into perspective for me, so thanks for sharing your story. thanks

funnymum71 Mon 07-Jan-13 17:37:51

To the other person who I know is reading this tonight - have a brew and a biscuit on me. I am quite anxious as to what you will think of these ramblings, as its as close to what is going on in my head as anyone will ever get. However I have diazepam, so at the moment am quite chilled about the whole thing wink.

georgedawes Mon 07-Jan-13 17:59:45

I think you're doing the right thing.

You can always ask on here for help in coping with a reduced wage. I'm sure we can help.

funnymum71 Mon 07-Jan-13 18:31:53

Thats really kind george, but if I were to borrow money from anyone it would be from my RL friend and even then I'd have to be in deep shit before I did. TBH I'm just thankful there's people out there who'll read my ramblings and offer support.

peachypips Mon 07-Jan-13 19:01:16

Well done for brave decision. You are doing so well xx

georgedawes Mon 07-Jan-13 19:19:17

I didn't mean borrowing (I could tell from your posts it's not your style anyway), I just mean help as in meal planning, contacting creditors and so on.

Hope you're OK tonight, I'll be thinking about you.

audlangsyne Mon 07-Jan-13 19:29:49

I agree, you are doing well. Not sure how it will feel to be off work but hopefully it might take some of the pressure off you, let you find helpful support, until you feel more well again. I hope you have a better evening.

audlangsyne Mon 07-Jan-13 19:40:48

And thanks for your kind words to me smile

funnymum71 Mon 07-Jan-13 20:31:18

I'll be OK I'm sure. Certainly tonight I am in a very hazy place. I'll take the rest of my tablets early and then just work on getting to tomorrow.

I'm seeing someone at 10. At the moment I've just mailed my boss to say I'll be in late and rearranged my morning meetings. I keep wavering between going in and staying off. I am shit at making decisions at the moment.

Actually, not totally shit. I am about to decide to open the next layer of biscuits in the xmas left over pile. grin

georgedawes Mon 07-Jan-13 20:40:22

There'll always be someone here if you want to talk. FWIW I think you should stay off.

You seem more cheerful to me, I hope that is the meds kicking in smile

I think taking time off work would be sensible, but I know it is hard to do.

So pleased you are still posting.

I've had this moved into OTBT just becasue some of the details were making me way too recognisable and I have a paranoid streak.

I'm going into work this afteroon. No chance whatsoever of getting an appt with my doc. I could just pick up the sick note, but it seems that so long as I'm taking the diazepam I can just about cope, so that will have to do.

peachypips Tue 08-Jan-13 12:20:25

It'll be fine until your meds start to work. I have to say I miss tranqs!

audlangsyne Tue 08-Jan-13 14:00:45

Hope it goes OK in work today, then. How's it going at home with the children and DH? Do you feel any safer today?

funnymum71 Tue 08-Jan-13 15:27:52

Hello - I am in work today. I had a meeting with someone from the CT this morning who was trying to get me to stay off sick for the month recommended by the psych. I came into work to discuss with my manager who says he's uncomfortable with me working when on this advice.

I've agreed to take a week off from tomorrow and self-cert. I'll see my GP tomorrow to see if I can get a shorter sick-note.

I am feeling better today, mainly as I've been taking the diazepam as prescribed, so I've not hit any major lows. It just shows that I can be sensible. for once. Don't get used to it smile

There's a sense of relief knowing I don't have to make it into work for the next week. Phew. It gives me some breathing space.

audlangsyne Tue 08-Jan-13 20:55:13

It's got to be good to have a breathing space, if only to process the events of the last week of so, everything that you have been feeling/ going through/ worrying about. Maybe try to get some money advice so you know you have some choices there too.

I found that what helps me in very difficult times is compassion for myself, treating myself to whatever I need (on a low budget so not extravagant, but nice things/ nice times). It's hard to remember when depressed what you like doing but it can really help to do something simple like trip to the seaside, favourite meal with friend etc. amidst the drudgery of trying to take steps to make the long term easier too...

Good luck, I will keep checking in for a bit to see if you're posting.

georgedawes Tue 08-Jan-13 23:41:52

Glad you're doing that, it definitely sounds like the best idea. Keep posting!

How are you today funnymum?

funnymum71 Wed 09-Jan-13 20:15:59

In one word? Shit.

Yesterday I was eminently sensible. I took all the prescribed diazepam and a good chunk of the quetiapine and actually had a reasonable day. I made it through work and actually did some worthwhile stuff and made it home safely. When I got home, I took some more of the quetiapine and had a nice relaxed evening where I managed to do bath and bed with the children and then chill out for a bit before going to bed myself. The evening meds aren’t knocking me out like they used to, so it was quite late when I finally got to sleep, but there were no major disasters and I didn’t spend the whole day wanting to end it all. Hooray.

Today went a bit tits up. Started out OK, got up, called my GP and got an appt to go and pick up my week note and cancel the month note. Cycled into work, handed over to boss and them mooched into town. Was feeling just fine so didn't take anything other than my usual morning lamotrigine. Went to a support group, which was lovely, but my mood started going down and by the end of it I was considering cycling to the station instead of cycling home. I did OK in that I cycled home and took some diazepam, but it was too late and all I could think about was jumping under sodding trains again. I then got my coat on and walked about a mile in the sodding freezing cold and then spent about an hour freezing my arse off on the platform building up the courage to jump. First train, second train, third train. Finally gave up, left and came home.

I am a mess this evening. DD demanded that DH read her stories as I was grumpy with her and didn't care as all I wanted to do was lie on the bed and do nothing. Looked at MN, couldn't concentrate on MN. Looked on FB, couldn't concentrate on FB. Game on my phone - couldn't concentrate, practical stuff, couldn't concentrate. I spent about 20 or so mins just walking back and forward as it was just about the only thing I was capable of doing. I've taken more quetiapine now which seems to have leveled things out a bit, so I can write this, but my insides still feel completely screwed up and all I can think about is how I wish I'd had the courage to bloody well jump and just finish this off as I've had enough now.

I've had enough. Seriously enough. DH was all "oh well done on getting to work", Well I didn't get to work today. "oh". and told him that this month - when they deduct the sick days I last month, and feb - when they deduct all of my sick days this month, are going to be really hard months to get through financially. Oh he says, take them as holiday - well I took most of my holiday off as bloody phased return. Oh well you can go back in. No I can't. I can't go back in when my performance is shit as I am either dosed up or obsessing about death. All of his "oh well you just need to do what you need to do to get better" seems to miss the fact that this is costing us a lot financially, but then again if you're not the one who has to deal with all of that shit, you don't really think about it. half my wage is less than what goes out of my account by standing order each month to pay the mortage and bills.

And I do wonder, I really do wonder what will happen if I get to the station again. I don't know whether to be scared at the thought of it or just relieved.

Sorry for the brain dump. You may get the impression that I am not in a good place tonight. You'd be right. I feel fucking awful and I don't know what to do about it any more.

audlangsyne Wed 09-Jan-13 21:13:48

Hello funnymum. Glad you are still posting. I hope that you do not kill yourself. I realize you do not have much hope at the moment, but hope may well return later (if you do not kill yourself).

I saw my own counsellor today and mentioned to her that you were in my thoughts. Hope you don't mind. She agreed with what I had said to you about possible PTSD on top of your bipolar as regards thinking over the SCBU/ burns treatments. She gave me a set of handouts (photocopies) re PTSD that I could post to you if you wanted. Don't feel obliged, I realize you may not feel safe to give me your address - you could give me a friend's address if you wanted the leaflets, and I could post them there.

The financial pressure sounds very wearying indeed. It would be really good if you could get this help from CAB or similar to freeze the interest on all payments and temporarily suspend some repayments if at all possible. There are various debt relief agencies out there besides CAB, local Law Centres that can help for free etc. It may take a bit of perseverance to get through to a helpful and very clued-up advisor, maybe someone could help with that.

I am sorry you are feeling so desperate, that sounds like a really busy too, what with the support group, going into work, stressful money conversations with DH, long walk/cycle, care of children. Can you take it abit easier tomorrow??

I know you may decide to end your life but I hope you do not. I am so glad I did not succeed with any my own suicide attempts approx 10 years ago now.

audlangsyne Wed 09-Jan-13 21:15:20

I meant: sounds like a really busy day ...

Oh funnymum sad I am sorry today has been so shit.

When do you have CT contact again?

Avoid avoid avoid leaving the house if it makes things too tempting, can you get a friend to go with you for coffee?

Take care of yourself, if you need to 'talk' please pm me x

georgedawes Thu 10-Jan-13 08:43:45

Sorry such a bad day. Please keep taking your tablets, I know it's not much but seems to help you a bit.

It's easy for me to say, but people can't take money you don't have. Your health is more important.

I'm on my phone so can't type a lot. I just want to say you're not alone, just take one day at a time. X

funnymum71 Thu 10-Jan-13 12:55:52

I am taking it easier today. CT rang earlier and asked if I wanted to meet in town rather than at home, but I don't want to leave the house. DH called earlier and asked if I could go and pick up some milk, but I really don't want to leave the house. I need some time where I can just hang out somewhere safe rather than going out. I really, really don't want to go out anywhere as I worry that I'll just end up back at the station.

My concentration is shit. I know I need to eat something, but I've not got any appetite. I just need to have a quiet, SAFE day away from the world.

funnymum71 Thu 10-Jan-13 15:00:53

Something good and positive.

Wasn't keen to leave the house, but the woman from the CT who came took me out so I was able to pick up the stuff I needed. Actually feel quite good about it as I managed to do something positive. Yay.

I've taken some more diazepam and will take some quetiapine in a bit to try and keep my mood up. Its quite nice now being sat here alone. No DCs no DH, just me, a brew, tranquilisers and a large amount of chocolate.

audlangsyne Thu 10-Jan-13 20:11:32

That's good. I hope you're still doing OK a few hours later now.

funnymum71 Thu 10-Jan-13 20:31:20

Thanks aud. I've taken all of my prescribed diazepam and quetiapine today and its been better. I need to work out what I'm going to do next in terms of getting better as I only have a few days to relax.

I managed to do bedtime with DD which was an improvement on yesterday. I still want to harm myself, but those thoughts are at the back of my mind rather than filling every space for thought that I have.

georgedawes Thu 10-Jan-13 20:40:19

That's good. one day at a time x

audlangsyne Thu 10-Jan-13 21:22:13

That sounds like a big improvement. I guess you will have good days and bad days though. Hope you can get some sleep tonight and rest up again tomorrow.

Millie2013 Fri 11-Jan-13 13:15:48

Sorry, have been AWOL for a few days. Sorry to hear that things have been so up and down, but pleased that yesterday was better. How are you feeling today? x

funnymum71 Fri 11-Jan-13 17:27:04

Today has been a better day as its been a more sensible day. Much more sensible. Didn't have to rush to get up. Took some quetiapine with my lamotrigine in the morning, so didn't get fraught. Took some diazepam before going out to meet a friend for lunch. (yay for making it out of the house and not going to the station). Took some more diazepam when out which kept me calm and then took some quetiapine when I got home. Ok, so its involved taking pretty much everything I'm prescribed, but the net result is no desire to jump under trains, so I guess thats a win.

Lessons learned today: Take stuff before I get fraught = day not spent thinking about trains. Minor fleeting thoughts of self harm, but nothing to be worried about. Don't take stuff before I get fraught = trips to the station in the freezing cold.

So onto the weekend. There aren't words to describe how little I want to spend time with my family at the moment. I really can't manage with the children and then I get mother guilt for actively avoiding them if I can. There's just no connection there and I just get annoyed. I'm doing a passable impression of caring. That will have to do for now.

funnymum71 Fri 11-Jan-13 17:54:54

Woah, that was weird. Typed about being OK and then had a minor anxiety attack. Fuck you mental health. Taken the last of today's diazepam. In your face you sneaky anxiety.

audlangsyne Fri 11-Jan-13 20:39:23

It does sound like a better day overall. If you need a bit of time away from the family over the weekend, hopefully they will understand and take themselves off for a while, or let you go out somewhere safe for a bit.

georgedawes Sat 12-Jan-13 13:45:01

How are you today?

funnymum71 Sat 12-Jan-13 21:10:42

I really can't go into it or I will cry. Just absolutely at the end of my rope and I can't even find the words, which for me is a first.

audlangsyne Sat 12-Jan-13 21:40:20

Sorry to hear Funnymum. It isn't necessary to explain. Take care of yourself overnight.

funnymum71 Sun 13-Jan-13 15:03:41

I am counting down the hours until this weekend is over. We've done stuff with the DCs. The CT were meant to have been calling my moby this weekend but haven't heard a peep. I have no concentration whatsoever, have no tolerance whatsoever and I just wish the whole family would disappear. Dreadful, dreadful anxiety. Short of drugging myself even more I am running out of options.

audlangsyne Sun 13-Jan-13 16:36:19

Hello, I am just checking in a bit earlier, may be back online later tonight but not sure.

I empathize with the dreadful anxiety. If there's anything you can find to comfort yourself in the thick of it, hold on to that - whether it's solitude, or deep breathing, or crying, or chocolate, or a hug from one of the DCs or telling them you feel like screaming as you aren't feeling well - whatever works. I've had to try different things at different times.

Sorry the CT haven't called too. Will check in tomorrow night if not before, I hope you can get through this.

funnymum71 Sun 13-Jan-13 16:51:24

I've really tried this weekend. Took the DCs out on their bikes, played dolls house - making every doll go to the loo and wash it's hands was a half hour of my life I'm not going to get back. I've made play-doh bugs, teddies and god knows what else.

I just don't have one jot of concentration. Can't MN or FB. I just can't read it. Crosswords, no. reading no, watching tv no. I just can't do anything. Just want to crawl off somewhere alone and once the DCs are in bed thats exactly what I'm going to do.

georgedawes Sun 13-Jan-13 19:13:44

I hope you're OK, it's mind numbing at the best of times playing with small children (I hate it).

Have you taken your medication?

Hope you're OK. I think you're doing so well to keep going when it's not what you want to do.

Please keep posting we're all here for you.

audlangsyne Mon 14-Jan-13 21:44:18

Funnymum, just checked in to see if you were around.

funnymum71 Tue 15-Jan-13 15:21:34

I'm ok. Was detained under a 136 yesterday. Finally agreed to take a month off work today and my boss called so I told him so no going back yet. I accept that it's not feasible for me to do my job in my current state, but am quite upset about it and stressed about our finances and what it might mean for my in the future. I'm also gutted at missing my scheduled professional exams, but as the psych rightly pointed out, how can I expect to pass when I can't even read a whole chapter of a book.

To be honest, had my boss not called when he did I may have chickened out and gone back tomorrow. in terms of my health, it's a good thing.

audlangsyne Tue 15-Jan-13 16:20:23

Hi funnymum, it is good to hear from you. I know I'm not in your shoes, and our lives are different but - I started off by having a week off, which turned in to a month, which turned into four months. I felt exactly the same as you at the beginning, and kept up working as a court lawyer even whilst in great distress. In the end, it was one of the best things that happened to me as it gave me some time for me and I started to get myself back and feel more in control (even though quite a lot of things went wrong during the time off sick, such as a breakdown of therapy, having to move house with my young child urgently, financial troubles). I hope you might have the same experience, you will be able to pick up your career after the month or longer if that's what's needed. I will be back online later tonight if you want to check in again, sure others will too. I don't always post this much on mental health but really feel for you, all you've been going through and sound a bit like me trying to keep going with work! Hope you can do something nice for yourself, you deserve to feel better.

georgedawes Tue 15-Jan-13 17:02:36

I think it's for the best, I know finances are a worry but you need to get better first. That is your priority now.

Hope you're OK x

audlangsyne Wed 16-Jan-13 21:15:09

Heading off to bed here, but just checking in to say hope you have got through the day.

funnymum71 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:39:07

Oh I am in just such an unreal place. I have no idea which way is up at the moment, but am managing to just about hold it together. I was OK this morning, I think. I'm on so many extra drugs at the moment, but as soon as they wear off it all goes wrong again and I'm not doing a very good job at keeping it even. I thought it would be better being off work, but I don't know whether it is or not.

This afternoon I was back to wanting to jump under trains again. It was just this never ending voice in my head saying that was the way out, but I know if I go near the station again I'll just end up being picked up by the police again and then what so there's no point. And the anxiety, the crippling anxiety and dark mood and thoughts and feeling out of control. I have no idea what to do when I get in that state as it all so scary feeling that way. I don't feel safe in my own skin and I don't know what's the best way to deal with it.

I'm still so disconnected. DD won't let me read her her bedtime story. She's chewing stuff and mum says that both children have been clingy and upset and its me who's putting them through this.

I am exhausted feeling like this. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted keeping myself safe. I'm just exhausted at the whole thing.

I'm waiting for the regular meds I take at night to kick in. I want just a few more hours where I feel OK. Its like I'll be feeling OK then it will just flick to not OK so quickly. I don't seem to have any control over my mood at all.

I keep waking up early and then struggling to get back to sleep and then not being able to wake up. It was a real struggle to get myself up and out of bed this morning and I need to keep doing it as if I give up on that its like one more thing that I can't do.

I just want to feel better. Why am I not feeling better? I'm taking everything prescribed. I am getting out, I am trying. Why do I still feel like I want to end it all and my head is coming up with other ways to do it as each way I've thought about is closed off to me.

funnymum71 Wed 16-Jan-13 22:40:50

I'm scared. Very scared at feeling so out of control.

Hi funnymum, I wish I could find the gift words of comfort or you, the only words I can find don't seem to hit the spot but I just want to say that you are keeping going and that is the hardest thing of all. We are all here for you. Please keep posting.

TheSecondComing Thu 17-Jan-13 00:55:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

snowbanana Thu 17-Jan-13 08:32:47

It sounds at least positive that meds help you for a while. Maybe tehre is one that could help you all the time.

When I had my major mixed state I did not get any peace. Nothing worked. Tried over 40 meds. Once doctor injected something into me and said that I shoud feel better. I did not notice anything. Luckily i got better three years later smile.

I guess sometimes you just have to wait it to go away. Maybe you could stop stressing about it. Just take your time and rest. Do you get any help in from of coucelling or discussing about your problems?

audlangsyne Thu 17-Jan-13 09:04:44

Funnymum, good morning. The main thing I think is not to give up. I have lost people through suicide but that is the end. I do think you will feel better but it may take more time, I know it is so hard when you are so exhausted but try to be patient. I am not religious but sometimes it can help to ask the universe (or God if you are religious) for a little bit of help. I am not a great believer in medication myself, though do take some and in the past did need tranquillizers and sleeping pills to get any rest. I promise, it does get better. Try not to feel guilty about the children too, of course they will pick up on your mood and probably sense that you are suicidal too, if you can offer them any reassurance that is great, but, if not, then the best you can do is what you are doing. It is your choice to kill yourself, but once again just want to say I hope you won't. Is it the exhaustion and frustration with the medication not working driving these thoughts at the moment, or is there anything else putting those thoughts back in your head all the time? I'll check in again tonight and hope you can get some rest today, just try to rest, or do something creative like draw a picture of how you are feeling or how you wish you felt or of one thing you like in your room or one thing you dislike.

audlangsyne Thu 17-Jan-13 09:06:42

Just reread what I had posted, and think "I promise, it does get better" is patronising and I can't guarantee that. I'm not in your shoes. But what I mean is, from experience of low points as bad as yours sound now, and three failed suicide attempts myself, I promise you that life can feel really good again, given time.

Thinking of you xx

lizba Thu 17-Jan-13 18:02:54

how are you today, Funnymum? thinking about you and hope you have had an easier time today

funnymum71 Thu 17-Jan-13 20:39:32

Its been a funny day and not funny haha.

First thoughts this morning were about my own death, I took meds as prescribed. Met with CT which was positive, but still thinking of my own death. As they dropped me off I was planning to OD on everything in my cupboard. Instead, stopped myself and took some of the diazepam and quetiapint as prescribed with the feeling that if I still felt like OD'ing after taken them, I would. It worked up untiul mid-afternoon, but then started thinking about going and jumping off the bridge. Got as far as getting my shoes and coat on. Stopped, took more meds and distracted myself.

Then this evening I've just had this hideous impending sense of doom. Something horrible is going to happen and I just don't know what, but I know its going to happen soon.

Spoke to CT who spoke to the on-call doc who said I could take an extra 2mg of diazepam at bedtime. TBH have ignored and have taken 4mg now as the feelings were so awful I was almost feeling sick. I don't know what it is or why it is, but when you've been fighting yourself all day and you can't stop thinking that some kind of hideous disaster is going to happen you do what you have to.

audlangsyne Thu 17-Jan-13 21:23:14

These obsessive thoughts of death sound so troubling. And the anxiety that's plaguing you too, feelings of impending doom are terrifying and certainly can make you feel sick or throw up. Can you keep reassuring yourself: I will be OK, everything will be OK? You deserve to be OK!

It sounds as though distracting yourself is working a little bit and talking to the CT. Is there anyone you can talk to about all your feelings, Samaritans or similar?

I will check in again tomorrow evening, hope the extra diazepam will enable you to get some rest.

lizba Thu 17-Jan-13 22:43:49

Oh poor you , you're having such a rough time, but you're fighting. The feelings you have are all part of being not well, if you can possibly tell yourself that - you really need someone to help you . Please just reach out, you don't have to do this on your own - can you phone someone?

Hi funnymum offering support here again. No wise words but you know I am here and I understand.

What about an admission?

snowbanana Fri 18-Jan-13 08:28:06

You should really get into a hospital. How can you rest if you must resrtain yourself all the time from killing yourself. In hospital you safe and you can just rest.

funnymum71 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:26:58

There are no places in any hospitals in the whole fecking county. Not one. Not a single one.

audlangsyne Fri 18-Jan-13 19:04:58

Funnymum, hello.

Have you heard of Maytree I do not know anyone who has been there so can't recommend or not but it looks potentially a very good place.

The website makes clear they are for respite for people who are suicidal:

"Maytree offers a short stay in a safe residential setting where you can talk, reflect and rest - and restore hope. Maytree is a place where you will be heard, respected and accepted, without judgement and in confidence.

Email: for free confidential support.

Or Call Us on 020 7263 7070"

Oh funnymum sad Hang on in there, you can do this! Are you waiting for a bed?

audlangsyne Sat 19-Jan-13 09:13:19

Good morning. I hope you find one thing to enjoy about today. I will check in tonight.

funnymum71 Sat 19-Jan-13 18:38:06

I'm still really not so good at all. I'm just about getting through the day. I told DH about the 136 and he was both angry and upset that I would do that to the children, but also that he didn't know what's going on. I've been under constant supervision since he found out which is wearing me down. I went out alone to get a cup of tea somewhere quiet and he threatened to call the police if I didn't come back as he was concerned about my mental state.

I missed the visit from the CT this am as we were in the backroom and didn't hear her knocking. I'm due a call this evening, but what can I tell them? The truth, which is that I'm just waiting for Monday so when I have time to myself I can get on with things.

I have taken some diazepam and some extra quetiapine, but as soon as they wear off, the physical symptoms and the spiraling mood and thoughts take over really quickly. I just want to feel safe. I don't feel safe here. I really don't. Everything I say to the CT just sounds trite and forced. I really have had enough.

audlangsyne Sat 19-Jan-13 19:35:34

I am sorry it is so difficult for you.

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 19-Jan-13 20:52:18

I'm new to the thread. Have just read it all through and funnymum, I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds horrendous.

I think you really need to be admitted as soon as a bed becomes free in a hospital near enough to you. I am speechless with admiration for how you are enduring, but you need and deserve proper help. Can the CT get you admitted as soon as it is possible? I don't know how these things work.

I have, in a smaller and less overwhelming way, been where you are, and it is horrible. Despite it all, who you are shines through in your posts. You are alive - you have been through some terrible things and you need a chance to recover. But you are alive and that is worth so much.

Thinking of you.

TheSecondComing Sat 19-Jan-13 20:56:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keep talking to the CRS and keep going. You know I am thinking of you and I really really understand how tough it is xx

funnymum71 Sat 19-Jan-13 22:36:52

well I missed the visit from them this morning and then they didn't call this evening like they were meant to. I know I've been told that I need to give them a call if they forget, but what am I meant to say that I've not already said.
Its bloody hard work this MH shite.

It is, it is just the gift that keeps on giving.

I think of you often and I hope you can get a bed or feel better soon.

funnymum71 Sun 20-Jan-13 15:54:04

I had a visit this morning and it was very much focussed on why I should be getting out and doing stuff. Doing things during the week to give myself purpose and do things with the family so I actually spend some time with them. This is, of course, excellent advice and what I should be doing and what I KNOW I should be doing.

All I want to do though is hide away in my bedroom and ignore everything. I find myself getting cross with the whole thing even though I know what they're saying is right.

TBH the whole world can go and stuff itself up its own backside.

audlangsyne Sun 20-Jan-13 18:17:32

Hi Funnymum,
It must be very hard to keep functioning whilst you are feeling so vulnerable, and it is understandable that you are cross with not being able to take a complete rest.
When I was first struggling with really severe PTSD (I didn't know what it was at that time, just felt crazy and suicidal...), a friend of mine asked me: "What are you going to do, take the rest of your life off?' She meant it in the very best way - I had revealed to her the depths of abuse I had suffered and it was a genuine question. Unfortunately, this is an impossibility...
It is very hard to 'keep going' when it is the last thing you feel like doing and your resources are so low. Good that you are off work though, so at least that demand is gone for now, but children and family are harder work because you can't put on as much of a mask for them perhaps, they see through it.
I have been wondering if you made any progress with the financial issues or if they are not such a worry now? I know you chatted to DH about your section, did you mention the huge pressure you feel under re the money? No offence taken if you don't want to answer.
Is Crisis Team helping with that at least?

audlangsyne Mon 21-Jan-13 18:02:52

How are you today?

audlangsyne Mon 21-Jan-13 21:10:06

Sorry not to hear from you tonight. I am off to bed shortly. I will check in again tomorrow night. I really hope you have got through the day.

funnymum71 Tue 22-Jan-13 09:23:11

hi aud, thanks for checking in on me. I had a review meeting with my OH dept at work yesterday so all my energy was put into acting as normal as I could as I'm still terrified of losing my job. The act worked and yesterday didn't feel so awful, but I'm paying for it today.

have someone coming round from the CT later this am, so will see what happens then.

Hi funnymum just letting you know I am around and thinking of you smile I hope your appointment goes well this afternoon.

audlangsyne Tue 22-Jan-13 18:31:58

Hi funnymum. Glad the OH meeting went well, you did well to manage to get to that. I think I read you'd had a longer period off work before, if so, I guess you will know what OH are like and whether or not they will be helpful. When I was off for a while, OH were very helpful - I told them straight about my situation, and used to take in little reports from my counsellor/GP and they really worked with me to help me to (1) stay off for as long as I needed (2) return to work in a phased way. Hope that the CT coming round was OK.

funnymum71 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:56:48

Today started out ok. Got asked for ID when I went to buy cigarettes, which is hilarious considering I'm more than pushing 40 grin. She must have had really bad eyesight, but it still made me laugh which is no mean feat these days.

My mood seems to really fall as the afternoon wears on. I wonder if it's down to the levels of quetiapine falling, but who knows. I've taken some PRN to get me through the hell that is late afternoon and bedtime with the children. DH is being an arse with DS who is now howling. Sigh.

funnymum71 Tue 22-Jan-13 19:24:04

Ok, let's look for the positives here. I've got through a day without wanting to die all the time. I've made plans to see a friend tomorrow and on Thurs. I've only had two periods of crippling anxiety and I've only taken 2 lots of PRN. Compared to last week when I wasn't sure if I could make it through a day alive, this is a huge improvement.

I'm very tentative about feeling a bit better as I've been feeling so fecking awful for so long I've lost faith in my own judgement of well-being, but we shall see how it goes.

audlangsyne Tue 22-Jan-13 20:05:28

It is a huge improvement. Really good you are seeing your friends too! Seeing how it goes seems a good plan.

funnymum71 Wed 23-Jan-13 10:48:58

Couldn't get to sleep last night despite being on enough drugs to knock out a fecking Rhino. Kept waking up during the night. Finally woke up early to the usual random obsessive thoughts and am now working on an 30 min basis to get through until I'm going out to meet my friend. Can't face eating anything, fuck all concentration. Damn it, damn it, damn it angry.

Thinking of you, I think breaking it down into chunks is a good step. I hope you enjoy your time with your friend.

audlangsyne Wed 23-Jan-13 20:50:33

Also thinking of you. I hope it went well seeing your friend and that going out to meet him/her wasn't too hard given your anxiety at the moment. Hope you get some sleep, too, it is amazing what a difference a little bit more sleep can make.

funnymum71 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:41:08

Apols in advance as this is a post of epic proportions. You have been warned.
brew and biscuit for all.

I really don't know where I'm at today. Mood swing like you wouldn't believe. I never quite know how to handle myself when I get like this.

Morning worked out OK - My Care-co turned up for an unexpected visit, well she expected it, but I didn't. It didn't matter though as I was picking up as the day wore on and she mentioned that I was looking brighter and you know what, I was feeling brighter too. In control of obsessive thoughts - they were there, but had no impulses to act on them, so that was a good thing.

I managed to eat some lunch and headed off to meet up with my friend. She couldn't make it, but it was a support group, so lots of other people to chat to which was fine. Told folk about how I was beginning to start feeling better and how much nicer it was to be able to get through a day without freezing my arse off at the station or wherever. They were genuinely pleased for me and it was lovely that they gave a shit. I like these people. They're kind and interesting and friendly and I enjoy spending time with them.

So it should have been OK, right? I'd done everything right. I'd cycled to the group (exercise) had actually got out of the house (filling my time sensibly and meeting small targets) and talked to people who know where I am coming from. All good, right?

So why the fuck did my mood plummet half way through the meeting? Obsessive suicidal thoughts started to take over and it all started to get a bit much. I started to work out in my head that if I left then I could get home, park up my bike and get back to the bridge in time to jump off it before DH and the DCs got home. All of the good feeling that I'd been having just went. Disappeared; Gone. It wasn't even like I just started to feel a bit crappy and wanted to go home for some downtime, it was like I was either really, really good or back down to the bottom of the pit with no warning or breaks to it whatsoever.

So that’s what I did. I wished them all well, made up that I had to get home as I was expecting someone, cycled home, parked up my bike and froze my arse off walking back to the same fucking bridge and going and standing on it. My rationale? I can’t go to the station as they will recognise me and call the police again. That is NOT a good reason for going to a bridge. A good reason is “I don’t want to fucking well die today thank you very much.”

I made it across the bridge. Got to the other side and went and sat on a bench for about 20 minutes shaking as of course now I was over the other side and hadn’t jumped once, if I wanted to get home, I was going to have to go back over said fucking bridge or do a massive detour that would STILL have me passing it again on the other side. Couldn’t walk into town and catch a bus home and therefore drive past the bridge as when you are planning to kill yourself, you don’t always think to take your purse with you. ARGH.

So I’ve gone from feeling pretty good in the morning and wondering why on earth I would act on such stupid thoughts, to having my mood down as far as it could possibly go and acting on the thoughts, resulting in my sitting on a bench in the freezing fucking cold as it was sleeting wondering how I can get back across a bridge that I’ve managed not to jump off once, but need to face again. So I called the CT again and talked to them while crossing said bridge to get home. <Bashes face repeatedly on the keyboard>.

So by the time DH got home I was a little ropey to say the least. So what I didn’t need to hear is that he has to decide by 31st Jan whether he’s going to take voluntary severance or not. They’ll be making 40 people redundant after the 31st and from what he says he’s top of the list to go. Going voluntarily means he gets 2k instead of 1k. Seriously - that’s all he’s going to get. He’s seriously thinking about taking it as he’s so sure he’s going to get the push. Now all of that would be OK if I was working, as while it would be tight, my wage would be able to cover everything and we would survive. Except I’m not working at the moment and I’m on half pay and half pay isn’t enough to even pay the fixed out goings every month without his wage coming in.

So I’ve gone from acting on a suicidal impulse, getting myself home, trying to act as normal as I can for the children before I fuck them up even more than I know I am doing and suddenly I’m landed with the fact that whether I am well or not, I am going to have to get back into work after this 4 week period or we’ll be utterly fucked financially.

I don’t cry often. I get depressed, but I don’t cry and I hate crying in front of people and am usually good at holding it in, although it may not be a good thing. However, after that conversation I did actually go and lock myself in the upstairs loo while DH played with the DCs downstairs and I howled as I have no sodding idea whether I will be well enough to go back or not and I’m going to have to if we want to get by. I am so used to being the person who supports this family and finding myself for the first time ever in the situation where I don’t know if I can provide that financial support is hard enough, but losing the only other source of income has just knocked me out completely.

I want to get well. I want to get more than two days in a row where I don’t go and do something really, really fucking stupid. I really, really hope that in the next 3 weeks I can do that, but what if I can’t? I’m back to feeling utterly exhausted at the whole thing. I’ve hardly spoken to DH all evening. He’s tried to come and talk to me and sit with me and engage with me and I’ve just cut him dead as it’s the only way I know how not to completely fall to pieces again.

Sorry that this has turned into an epic, but I had to get it down somewhere and here will just have to do. I just want to sign out of all of this. I’ve had enough. In some ways feeling better and positive just makes it worse when it all comes crashing down again.

Argh indeed. I suppose on the bright side, all of the walking is keeping me fit. hmm

funnymum71 Thu 24-Jan-13 10:17:19

I feel bloody awful again. Everything is a monumental effort and I just want to hide in my room and not come out.

audlangsyne Thu 24-Jan-13 13:22:54

Good afternoon, Funnymum. I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. You did really brilliantly to make it to the support group yesterday morning and to take something positive away from it. Then you managed to stop yourself from actually topping yourself despite the bleakness, the urge etc coming back. To be honest, I think that the hardest times for many of us are when we leave the support group - the next hour of emptiness of not being surrounded by care etc. Could somebody from the support group talk you home on the phone next time? Then that really bad financial news in the evening, you did the right thing expressing your sadness, worry etc through crying. I think you are doing really well. I know that doesn't make it any easier but my only tip (based on past experience) would be to question in every moment if you are being AS COMPASSIONATE TO YOURSELF AS YOU CAN BE. Have to go - baby crying - but thinking of you and will check in tonight, might be a bit later on.

lizba Thu 24-Jan-13 15:10:21

God, you're having a really horrible time of it. Yet you recognise that there are times when you feel better and that's worth holding on for. I think you need far more serious help than on here - I don't feel qualified at all to advise you, I just wanted you to know that Im reading what you're writing and really think you need to reach out and get help. CAn I just ask , does your partner know you feel suicidal? When he tries to help , is it not worth letting him? Sorry if these are stupid observations

funnymum71 Thu 24-Jan-13 15:39:42

Yes DH knows I am suicidal and he's not happy about it. What can I do though?

Today has been another shit day. I met up with my friend as planned this morning, but I just couldn't hold down a conversation and she was worried about me. I told her not to worry, I was just tired and I was in a way as I got very little sleep last night again.

When I got back home I just couldn't settle down to anything. Everything pointed to me ending it all and I went through all of the options. Hanging - would be awful for my DH and DCs to come home to. Overdose - couldn't trust myself not to make myself sick, so it was back to walking to the bridge.

There were a couple of those community support officers about and I did think about going and asking them for help, but instead I managed to walk across without jumping again and then just walked and walked and walked. I made it into town and thought about going for a coffee, went into the shop, but couldn't face being with that many people as it was quite busy, so I walked some more and then got the bus home, but I don't feel safe at home as I'm back to the whole overdose / hanging thoughts.

I'm dealing with them by taking some PRN which I hope to god kicks in soon and getting on line. Its my birthday today. I shouldn't be spending the whole of my birthday battling down these thoughts. I just wish it was Tues again when I was feeling OK and could enjoy something.

lizba - I have external support from the Crisis Team and also from my Care Coordinator. The sensible thing this afternoon would have been to take my PRN and call them and talk about what I was thinking about rather than going out. The problem I have is that when I get into that place there is no sensible going on.

What I am finding really hard to take is the length of time this down has lasted and the length of time these thoughts have lasted. They should be picking up and when I felt a bit better at the start of the week it was like a breath of fresh air and all of my suicidal thoughts and behaviour just seemed utterly ridiculous. Now I am back down again they all seem to make perfect sense.

snowbanana Thu 24-Jan-13 16:25:42

At least you got a taster that there is a better life waiting for you smile It is just not darkness there. Getting better takes time.

lizba Thu 24-Jan-13 20:34:46

Am I being really thick/naive here A couple of things strike me - if you're doing this every day you surely shouldn't be left on your own. If your husband knows then should he not be taking control of the situation ? Can you not be hospitalised if it's as bad as this? I say all this in a concerned way , not an outraged way. Also I heard a guy on Radio 4 Dessert Island Discs a couple of weeks ago , saying that when he suffered from terrible depression he walked it off- he walked and he walked and he walked. If you maybe saw it as going for a walk rather than anything else night that help? Lastly, Marian Keyes talked about how baking saved her - not that she enjoyed it but she was able to immerse herself in it each day and slowly, slowly she got better. Again apologies for the clumsiness of my contributions, I know suggestions like walking and baking are akin to saying pull yourself together, which I really amn't saying

funnymum71 Thu 24-Jan-13 20:59:09

MH care is a complete postcode lottery. I agreed to admission last Friday, but there were no beds. Where I live you pretty much need to be completely psychotic and sectioned before you'll be admitted. The rest is left for the home treatment team. Our local CT/HTT are made up of some of the loveliest people, but they have huge caseloads so its not always possible to see the same people, so it relies a lot on reading a person's notes.

Today I should have called the CT before it got bad, but I didn't as I hate calling them because I hate being the kind of person who HAS to call them. I don't want to be the person who can't stop obsessing about her own death and walking to and from a bridge like a complete nutter.

As for DH, he doesn't know the half of it. He knows about the second time I was detained by the police at the train station, but not the first time and not the time I managed to get myself away with a call to the CT. He doesn't know about the trips to the bridge or any of my other suicidal thoughts as I've not told him. To be fair this is better than the last time when I was ill as he had no clue whatsoever there were any problems as I'd pretended to go to work for 3 months.

I've not told the CT about taking pills and making myself sick afterwards. I've not told anyone about lying awake at night planning how to hang myself. No one knows how many times I've been to the station and the bridge or how I've looked up on line exactly how much quetiapine would kill me.

The place where I've been most honest is on here, but the only person who knows what is really going on is me.

I hate being the person who I am at the moment. Its hard to explain, but when I was feeling a bit perkier at the start of the week, everything I have been doing seemed ridiculous and completely daft. Then today I spend almost all of the day thinking about dying and it all seems reasonable again.

In my normal well life, I am one of the most organised, rational and sensible people I know. In my unwell life, I am this pathetic mess.

FeeFiFoMum Thu 24-Jan-13 21:18:38

Hello, Funnymum.

I think it's good you can post on here about how you are feeling. One thing that sprang to my mind is that I used to keep a piece of paper on which I had written up to five reasons for not killing myself (written and meant whole-heartedly in a stronger moment) which I would force myself to read in the bad moments. The first reason was: you will have moments when you feel better again. Nine times out of ten I would not believe this when reading it during a suicidal moment, however, the fact that I had written it in a stronger moment and really believed it then made me trust in it and keep going.

I don't really agree that you should be in hospital/ under anyone's control. It is your life and ultimately it is your own choice whether you live or die and I do not think anyone should be able to take that away from you, as it is your decision to make. Only you truly know how you feel, as you say, and you have been through such a lot I am not surprised you find it hard to carry on.

Your last sentence makes me think it's a bit "all or nothing" - from being "the most organised, rational and sensible person" or "a pathetic mess". Maybe there is a grey area in between these extremes which is more of the reality?

I am thinking of you and I hope you can rest tonight. It's good you managed to see your friend even though you felt very anxious and she was worried about you.

FeeFiFoMum Thu 24-Jan-13 21:22:25

Re the grey area - the way that you come across on these threads is as a really well-balanced person, if I am completely honest. I know you feel anything from balanced, but you describe feeling up and down, and having anxieties and fears about things but trying to be positive etc. I know what you are doing - keep going to that bridge - is not normal, but you sound very normal, a normal person under great stress.

FeeFiFoMum Thu 24-Jan-13 21:32:21

And Happy Birthday! I hope the DCs and DH have given you treats. You deserve many.

lizba Thu 24-Jan-13 21:34:08

great post, hope it helps. I agree that you sound very together - for what that's worth. ALso very witty but I worry that when a person is feeling like this the decision shouldn't be there's to make because it is simply acting on a moment in time. The fact that you can see yourself from two different perspectives is encouraging, it shows that you really can get better with the right help. Is your husband a supportive husband, is he someone you can lean on?

funnymum71 Thu 24-Jan-13 22:05:17

Thats what scares me the most lizba. That one of these moments in time is going to be the one where I go too far and I do jump or act on other plans. Its very, very tempting as it would be one way of putting an end to all of this.

DH is supportive, but I don't feel like I can talk to him about everything. That isn't limited to him though, thats pretty much how I am with anyone.

I need to find a way out of this. I need to stop behaving like this. The drugs should be working now, so its working out what I need to do.

funnymum71 Fri 25-Jan-13 12:16:25

This is not a good day. Masses of anxiety, masses of obsessional thought. I've taken some PRN, but it doesn't seem to be working. I'm staying in the house as if I leave it I will go to the station. I don't know what to do with myself. I really feel awful. Absolutely awful.

FeeFiFoMum Fri 25-Jan-13 12:20:19

Sorry to hear this. Will check in later tonight to see if you want to talk.

funnymum71 Fri 25-Jan-13 15:12:58

I'm a bit better now. PRN working and DH home. I also had a long chat with someone from the CT which helped a lot.

Just got paid and it was masses less than expected. That didn't help. Just been through the freezer and cupboards to see how far we can get without needing to do a big shop. I will also be selling one of the children. Just need to decide which one now.

snowbanana Fri 25-Jan-13 16:27:45

Do you have day hospitals where you live?

funnymum71 Fri 25-Jan-13 16:31:06

Nope, nothing like that at all around here. I think I live in the metaphorical MH arse end of the world.

lizba Fri 25-Jan-13 17:05:01

glad you've had an easier time of it this afternoon.If you can see it all at a distance and see it for what it is - an illness where the chemicals in your body are out of balance and that makes you at times have irrational thoughts - maybe that helps? So not 'Im suicidal" but I'm having horrible thoughts at the moment- as Im typing I'm picturing you saying to yourself - yeah right, love! Also, you say you can't talk to dh about everything - sure, but can you open u to him and say, Im feeling particularly crap at the moment?

Still thinking of you, it is shit how the MH services are where you live. Take care x

FeeFiFoMum Fri 25-Jan-13 21:51:41

Stuff like going through the freezer to see how you can get by without a big shop may well keep you going for now. I hope you get some rest tonight.

TheSecondComing Fri 25-Jan-13 22:02:30

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheSecondComing Fri 25-Jan-13 22:03:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnymum71 Fri 25-Jan-13 22:27:54

Never apologise for your humour TSC. I was about to write I'd have to turn up to the station in disguise in case they carted me off again. grin I can certainly tell you that its a brisk, but quite picturesque trip between there and my house.

I'd love to see you. PM or summat and we can talk.

TheSecondComing Fri 25-Jan-13 22:36:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeeFiFoMum Sat 26-Jan-13 18:05:12

How have you been going today, funnymum? Been thinking of you, great you have friend above due to visit.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

funnymum71 Sat 26-Jan-13 22:29:06

I'm ok. I've had quite a bit of PRN tonight to try and head off going downhill. Today has been a very busy day and I've just about reached my limit. Money worries, kids tired and tiring DH full of cold, miserable and stressed.

Some good is that I've been more in control of the obtrusive thoughts, but they've been getting worse and worse as the day has worn on, hence the PRN and an attempt to manage it better.

I'm getting a little concerned that I'm sleeping so badly. It was nearly 3am before I finally got off last night and I struggled to wake up in the morning, but have been quite wired since. Going from depressed to manic is the last thing I need right now, especially since we're broke without my wage coming in and I have a habit of doing stupid things with my credit card when high. I may give it to DH to look after if it looks like I'm going that way.

snowbanana Sun 27-Jan-13 11:26:36

Have you tried lithium? That was the only one which helped me a little, when I was very ill.

funnymum71 Sun 27-Jan-13 11:55:49

I'm on quetiapine and lamotrigine, which were working ok right up until I stopped taking them. I'm not too keen on the idea of changing them at the moment, but who knows.
I just need to get back to work. I'm already stressed about money and I've not even had the worst month yet.
Everything is so fraught here this morning. If I could from the world I would.

Let's look at positives though. The PRN is actually working now, which it wasn't a couple of weeks ago. Little steps. Next target would be to get through a day without needing any at all.

FeeFiFoMum Sun 27-Jan-13 20:31:16

Hi funnymum, family life can be very stressful let alone with no sleep, financial pressures and being ill. Take it as easy as you can, take the medication depending on how you feel and if possible relax as much as you can whilst you are off work. I am not very good at relaxing myself but there are a few things I do to relax, have to remind myself to do them. It does help. Will check in tomorrow night.

funnymum71 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:01:23

I'm a bit frustrated with DH. I reminded him again to talk to his boss tomorrow to find out whether he's likely to lose his job after the 31st. He's now telling me that there'll be no difference in payout whether he's voluntary or not - so what is the choice then? If it makes no difference then why consider voluntary at all? It's this kind of thing that makes me so bloody frustrated. What was the point of coming home on Wed all worry and stress about whether to take voluntary if it makes no sodding difference. GAH.

funnymum71 Sun 27-Jan-13 22:18:48

Aside from that frustration I need to start taking proper care of myself. I've not been doing as I didn't see the point - if I was going to die then it really didn't matter. I've deliberately not gone to places where I wouldn't be able to harm myself as I didn't want anything to stand in my way.

I know that the drugs are starting to work as while I have times during the day where everything seems desperate, the balance is tipping towards feeling OK rather than feeling awful most of the time. The awful feelings are still very powerful when they happen though and I find them hard to get through still.

What is making it hard is that the flips between the two are so quick, so absolute and so random that I am in a position where I have no idea how I will feel from one moment to the next. The PRN is helping - I am still taking some of the quetiapine in the morning when I get up to stop things before they start. Its not all smooth. I can feel the anxiety bubbling along beneath the surface. As soon as anything goes even slightly wrong then I can't deal with it.

I still have the horrible equation where going back to work could see me relapse if I am back before I'm well enough, but as soon as the thought of not having enough money to pay the mortgage and bills passes through my head, I can feel my chest tightening and my heart beating and feel queasy.

I still need to fill in my fucking DLA forms. I have no sodding idea what to write on them.

Its still better than where I was last week and certainly the week before that. I've even booked train tickets for a do at the end of the month. I'd not bought them until now as I didn't know if I would need them. My target now is to be well enough to use them.

lizba Mon 28-Jan-13 13:58:12

Hurrah! You sound so much better than you did last week, great news . Keep posting

I am pleased things seem more positive, long may it continue.

FeeFiFoMum Mon 28-Jan-13 20:25:28

It does sound scary that the awful feelings are still very powerful when they happen and you can flip into them very quickly - I can relate to that with my PTSD flashbacks.

The financial pressures seem to be there too, still, making you feel panicky. Did you get a chance to make a CAB appointment?

Also it is well worth filling out the DLA forms. They are not concerned with diagnosis as much as how you are affected by your problems, keep a diary (or use this thread) to put down how you are really impacted. Such as, you cannot go out for walks on X no of days for fear of being tempted to kill yourself, etc. Just be aware that, I think, they can link up with social services if there are any concerns about care of your children, but your crisis team would do that anyway I would think.

I hope today has been OK for you.

funnymum71 Tue 29-Jan-13 09:10:03

The DLA forms are today's nemesis.

I was talking to DH about it all yesterday. He said he'd noticed that I wasn't so down all the time, but I'm still down most of time and the mood swings are very quick and severe as I've had a couple of really high moments that unsettled him as well as I then crashed down. He also said the children notice it as they never know which mummy they've going to get. That must be really unsettling for them. That worries me.

It's easy to think, "well I'm not going to the station and I've not walked to the bridge since last Thurs, I can crack jokes and make plans so I'm all ok now", but I'm not as it's taking monumental effort and PRN to keep it this way. The difference is that effort and PRN are working whereas before they weren't.

It's nice not to spend every waking moment thinking about or planning your own death, but the thoughts are still there and I'm feeling bloody fragile. God help anyone who tips that balance.

springbanana Tue 29-Jan-13 09:20:37

Good that you are not down all the time smile. Maybe your moods are trying to settle down or you are entering mixed state/rapid cycling. Maybe having a chat and getting some other mood stabilizer. For my previous mixed state only lithium worked a little. They are hard to treat.

What is PRN?

FeeFiFoMum Tue 29-Jan-13 10:11:34

Hello, really good that you could talk to DH about it all. I know that when I was particularly ill, I was very worried about the impact on my DCs as DCs do pick up on everything, even if you try to hide it. I am sure that any consistency you can bring to them, for example, if you always give them a hug before bed, whatever they've done or whatever you feel, or always have half an hour story time/whatever they like each day, that will help them to feel that there is some stability in their relationship with you.

You are bound to be feeling extremely precarious and fragile still, both as your worries (financial, illness) haven't gone away and because it was so recently that you were feeling suicidal nearly all the time. Take it easy and:

Don't let anyone tip that balance! The power is yours. You deserve to feel better. Anyone who tips the balance inadvertently or on purpose; ignore them or cut them out! I know it sounds drastic but you need to protect your fragile psyche.

funnymum71 Tue 29-Jan-13 10:32:41

Well. If I wanted an indication of how unwell I've been recently, this is it.

I've just gone into my wardrobe to get some trousers to wear today and have come across a pair of brand new jeans that I don't remember buying. I definitely bought them as after a search of empty carrier bags in my bedroom, I've found the receipt and apparently I bought them two weeks ago. I have ab-so-lute-ly no recollection of this at all.

They are not a colour / style I would normally buy and the fit is awful - I've had to dig out a belt so they don't fall down. But there they are. I'm wearing them now as since I bought them I ought to get some use out of them at least.

Now in the grand scheme of things that have happened over the last few weeks, this isn't a biggie. After all, I've spent a large part of it wanting to throw myself under a train, but forgetting about buying things is an interesting twist. I wonder what else is going to turn up.

funnymum71 Tue 29-Jan-13 10:35:42

Spring - PRN is stuff you can take on top of your normal meds. Its from some latin term so beloved by the medical profession. At the moment I have extra quetiapine and diazepam to see me through the day.

funnymum71 Tue 29-Jan-13 10:38:12

Thanks FeeFiFoMum - the children are a worry. This is the second time in very recent history that they've had to deal with me being unwell. I have quite a lot of guilt floating around about it. I'll have to make it up to them and try to stay well.

lizba Tue 29-Jan-13 11:01:50

That's very funny about the trousers, could have been a grand piano! So glad that you're sounding stronger and just saying how you feel out loud to someone I think lessens its power

funnymum71 Tue 29-Jan-13 13:40:50

I've just cycled into town and back and handed them into a charity shop. They were too horrible for me to keep and I don't need reminding that I buy vile things when out of it.

Last time I was hypomanic (or "well" as I thought about it then) I bought a load of v short skirts and brightly coloured blouses. I remember some raised eyebrows at work when I turned up in the skirts, but at the time I thought it was because I looked amazing. Hindsight tells me otherwise. They wound up in a charity shop as well.

If I find myself going the other way I'm going to hand my credit card over to my DH and stick a note in my purse saying "You are a middle aged and overweight. Anything above the knee is a bad idea."

That aside I'm not feeling so great this afternoon. Very shaky. Absolutely full of energy. I thought the ride into town would help, but it hasn't. I am going to take some PRN as high energy / dodgy mood is not a good thing.

funnymum71 Tue 29-Jan-13 21:22:19

Well this has been a very interesting afternoon. First off I've been discharged from the CT as I'm no longer in crisis, which is bloody brilliant.

After the CT left and I was having a chat with my care-co, it was like a wave of realisation hit me. I've spent pretty much the whole of last month being suicidal and depressed and I knew that I wasn't well, but it’s been with complete detachment and what turns out to be a serious lack of self-awareness. Its hit me like a hammer this afternoon and evening.

I've been distant and unfair to my children and what is worse I was so fixated on killing myself that I couldn't even consider what it may do to them. I had people telling me, but just wasn't getting it. Tonight, I am getting it. I could have left them motherless. It would have fucked them up, seriously. These are my babies and I was prepared to do that to them and it turns out that when you suddenly get your emotions back that it’s one of the most upsetting things that you can think about. I am working my way through the tissues tonight.

It’s the pure selfishness of it all. It seemed perfectly reasonable to do that to my family. I’ve worried them, I’ve worried my friends and behaved in some pretty outrageous ways, all the while thinking it was perfectly reasonable. Not remembering buying jeans is the least of it.

I was detained, twice, by the police at the train station. Regular train travel is part and parcel of where I work and it’s quite possible that I could have / will have been seen by colleagues, but that’s not the worst of it, as I was actually at a fucking train station considering jumping under a fucking train. What was I thinking? How on earth did I miss how wrong that was? I had someone from the crisis team talk to me about it last week, I think, and my reaction then was ‘meh it happened’. I am not feeling meh right now. I can’t get my head around what on earth I was doing.

Endless trips to and from the station and the railway bridge in the freezing cold, all seemed reasonable, logical even. I just needed the right moment to finish it. I took a load of my meds and then made myself sick and then berated myself for being a coward. I’ve don’t nothing but obsess about death to the extent that I’ve ignored my family and blocked out my friends and been incredibly unfair on my children. My DD has been upset and has been clingy with other family while keeping away from me and I’ve not cared. Now I’m caring oh yes tonight I am caring.

As I’m writing this I wonder if it looks self-obsessed, but believe me I am not thinking about how dreadful it is that I feel bad tonight, I am just thinking about how bad I’ve made other people feel. I like to think that I’m a decent person who takes the feelings of others into consideration, but I have spent the last month doing exactly the opposite of that. I have talked to DH tonight and he said that it didn’t matter as I’d just been ill and my getting better was all that mattered which is incredibly kind as I’ve shown him no such consideration in all the time this has been going on.

I have genuinely thought I’ve been acting logically and rationally and what people were saying was just because they didn’t get it. I have not been rational and logical. Oh bloody hell.

I’ve been back and read through the letters I wrote to DH and the kids and my parents and they are not the sensible and clear documents that I thought they were. They are selfish and hurtful. I was tempted to delete them, but I think I’m going to keep them and read them every fucking time that I am stupid enough to contemplate stopping taking my meds. I will bloody well read this thread as well.

I have made some other stupid decisions. I thought I was well enough to go into work when I blatantly wasn’t. I was leaving my desk and calling the crisis team; chairing a meeting and then walking to the station and in complete denial that I was too ill to work. I could have lost my job if I hadn’t finally taken the time off as I would have ended up doing something even more stupid.

I have made some pretty dumb financial decisions as well. Oh dear. I’ve put all my savings into the kids trust funds just when I need the money to live on as I’m on half pay. I can’t access it, but hey! It didn’t matter did it as I wasn’t going to be around? Fuckity fuck, but money is the least of my worries now.

Sorry this is just more self-obsessed wittering, but I haven’t felt anything other than my own misery and obsession with dying for quite some time and suddenly getting my emotions back and realising what I’ve done to other people has taken my breath away and getting it down somewhere is the only thing I can do tonight to try and stop it feeling so bad that I’ve hurt my family and exactly how much worse it could have been.

The positives for what they are – and believe me at the moment it’s hard to see any – is that I know that I’m not going to kill myself as I couldn’t do that to my children and to my family. I now have the motivation to do all of the things that I need to do to get better, where before I just didn’t see the point. The point isn’t to do it for me, it’s to do it for them so my DD isn’t scared of coming to me in case I am mean to her and my DS doesn’t get as stressed as he has been and so my DH isn’t left with two children and no mother.

I don’t think I have emotionally felt this bad and upset in a very long time and I need to remember how this feels so I don’t ever, ever get this fucking ill ever again.

Take your prescribed meds, people, or you could end up acting like a selfish, self-obsessed cunt. Fact.

springbanana Tue 29-Jan-13 22:10:21

Wow. You really are recovering! Congratulations! smile

It is difficult to think logically when you are ill.

FeeFiFoMum Tue 29-Jan-13 23:11:17

Hello Funnymum,

You sound very much stronger here. I have to say, though, I think you are judging yourself much too harshly when you say you were acting "like a selfish, self-obsessed cunt". You were suffering great pain and therefore it did seem logical to you to end it all, hopefully you can have compassion for that part of you (as your DH seemingly does).

I'm really glad you have regained your sense of being in control and good news you don't need the CT now. Hopefully if you decide now not to kill yourself, you will never do it, even if you suffer such mental torment again.

I'll check in over the next week or so just to see how you're doing if you care to post.

funnymum71 Wed 30-Jan-13 10:39:03

I'm not feeling so great today. Couldn't sleep last much with all of that stuff going on in my head, so couldn't wake up this morning either. I need someone to talk to about everything that's happened over the last month, but don't have access to anyone to do that now.

The thoughts of self harm are still there even though I wouldn't act on them, but they're now bundled together with some really uncomfortable feelings of shame, guilt and embarrassment. It's a really edgy and anxious place to be. While I'm pleased that I'm not in crisis anymore, this is a time when I really could do with some support.

I'm running short of PRN but need to see a completely different psych to the one I've been seeing since Dec as they're only attached to the CT. The psych I'll see now I've only meet one before and that was when I was really up so don't know them at all and don't even know when I may be able to see him.

You know in cartoons when someone is running and they run off a cliff, but they don't realise straight away and run on thin air before dropping to the ground? That's how I feel right now. I've been running so hard and just when I need some ground underneath me it's not there.

lizba Wed 30-Jan-13 16:57:50

You're bound to feel like that - the important thing is that you get help and have someone to talk to - is there nothing in place for you this week to do that? Can you ring the crisis team and ask them to sort that for you ? Have a look at the post on the last page by whethergirl on this post

funnymum71 Wed 30-Jan-13 19:09:49

I can't ring the crisis team any more, but luckily today was the ex-patients group and I was able to talk to people there. It was good to get it off my chest and they shared some of the things they'd done when ill. They're very kind and I'm not alone in behaving out of character.

It's the illness that made me believe my DCs were better off without me as the well me certainly doesn't. I'm not detached from them any more and I owe it to them to stay well.

My care co has sorted out a prescription for my PRN. Time to keep plodding on.

funnymum71 Thu 31-Jan-13 10:33:07

Because I'm now in recovery, a long thead about how I'm going to kill myself is not something I want to see in my TIO every day, so I've started a new thread here Planning Recovery

Thank you to everyone who has replied and posted to me on this thread, its really helped. funnymum71 is not my ususal posting name and I know that sometimes dramatic threads on MN written by "new" posters can raise eyebrows, so people taking the time to reply has been very much appreciated.

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