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Borderline Personality Disorder

(420 Posts)
frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 21:43:13

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

smile x

violetsrblue Tue 18-Dec-12 21:54:48

What a great thread. I haven't been diagnosed with BPD but that's because I have never had a proper diagnosis, I'm going for a diagnosis review in Jan.

I have ordered a book on BPD but what I have read about it seems to fit with my experience - or it could be that I have PTSD - or both maybe.

My worse, lifelong experiences are of not feeling real, of not feeling as if I have a personality at all, and of not being able to 'remember' good connections, as if everything good is about to end, that I'm on the edge of a cliff. That goes as far back as I can remember.

I'm really helped by taking Trazodone and Zopiclone, and am currently finding CBT pretty useful.

frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 22:10:33

Hey violets! How do you feel about the possibility of BPD? I must admit that when my psychiatrist finally diagnosed me and I found a little more about it, I was a little freaked. But the more I learnt the more it made sense. My medication makes a huge difference to me and there is no way that I could be without it. I too had CBT when I was a lot younger and it worked well at the time.

violetsrblue Tue 18-Dec-12 22:50:59

I think I'd feel ok at the diagnosis - it would be a relief I reckon, to have a name for all the weird and bad feelings - it's like there's no 'normal' to go back to after a bout of depression/anxiety.

I wouldn't be without the meds now - though I am a bit flat. But that could be a time of year thing..I like it when everything's predictable and routine, Xmas throws everything out!

I think I am having a med review as well - I don't know if I need a mood stabiliser..it's good though to be thinking about what I want to say at the review.

FromEsme Tue 18-Dec-12 22:55:21

Hiya, just checking in, not much to say for the mo!

frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 23:22:11

I am a major stickler for my routine!!! Friends and family laugh at me but in a way it is a coping strategy, if that makes sense?!

A good thing that you could do for going into your review is writing everything down you want to mention? That's what I used to do when I saw my psychiatrist as my memory and concentration is terrible.

I take mood stabilisers, beta blockers and anti depressants. I have no idea how long I will be on these for, all I know is they are doing the job for now and that suits me just fine!

I'm due a med review too but I have to make an appointment with my GP for this as I was discharged from my psychiatrist and nurse a few months back. I've been putting it off though as I get very nervous when it comes to my medication.

frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 23:23:02

Hi FromEsme, how are you?

violetsrblue Tue 18-Dec-12 23:41:08

Yes I'm definitely going to do that, thanks! I have a tendency to 'forget' all the bad stuff if I'm not in it, like I can't relate to it..last time I felt really bad I wrote 'this is real' on the wall to remind me..this is interesting, going to check in tomorrow..nite all x

frillynat81 Tue 18-Dec-12 23:46:44

Night night x

frillynat81 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:48:12

After ages of feelings good and stable, starting to feel a bit down. Started to get twitches too which indicates anxiety issues may be on their way too sad I find this time of year hard.

I'm another one with a BPD diagnosis. I like the idea of this thread, I'll come back and post properly later. xxx

frillynat81 Thu 20-Dec-12 09:51:23

ok penguin smile x

violetsrblue Thu 20-Dec-12 19:05:24

Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit down, frillynat, this time of year is sooo hard. Is there a time of day that's more difficult?

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Thu 20-Dec-12 23:44:18

How funny, I was just thinking of starting a BPD thread seeing as several of us have popped up recently.

Been struggling with symptoms for as long as I can remember. Currently doing STEPPS, a program specially designed for BPD, and finding it beneficial, although challenging.

I don't feel real tonight. I feel detached, and out of touch, like I'm not controlling my body. Really wish I could go to sleep and wake up as a different person.

Finding relationship issues to be one of my biggest problems right now. Like if DP doesn't respond to a text quickly, I get paranoid, and angry, and feel deserted. I know its not rational, so then I get more frustrated with myself. GAH.

Recently started self harming again after years being free, I've been on a low for several weeks now.

Could someone wake me up when Christmas is over with, please? wink

Looking forward to having this safe space to support each other. x

FromEsme Fri 21-Dec-12 00:29:21

I am, I guess, more or less recovered in that I can function now. For years, I couldn't hold down a job/relationship/friendship. Now I can manage all of that. But I feel so disconnected - not the horrible feeling of dissociation, that's a different and worse feeling. But I just feel like I'm doing stuff and it has no impact on me at all.

frillynat81 Fri 21-Dec-12 00:36:28

No violet, no specific time of day. Just been thinking about stuff today, like my Aunt passing away and how it is our first Xmas without her in 13 years. Have been easily irritated/enraged today too, which is so unlike me. I'm hoping that all of these don't last long xx

frillynat81 Fri 21-Dec-12 00:46:15

Hi SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot

I haven't heard of STEPPS...how are you finding it? It's good that you have something specifically for BPD.

Have you spoken to anyone lately about how you feel? Especially if you have started self harming again, maybe you should speak to whoever offers you your support (cpn, gp, psychiatrist...)?

BPD is such a bitch. It's amazing how one thing can change a persons life so much.

Big hugs for you. xx

frillynat81 Fri 21-Dec-12 00:50:10

FromEsme - I think the BPD is always lurking, behind the scenes. I've been fine for so long but now I've started to feel low and anxious again. Today I could have easily booted this guys car for pulling out in front of my (new) bf's car. Haven't felt that way in a long time and I was scared. How long have you had your diagnosis? X

Illustrated Fri 21-Dec-12 00:56:04

Hello everyone. I was assessed about 2 years ago and was told I had BPD. I haven't had treatment or seen anyone since the diagnosis as I was pregnant and moving away. Its the only time someones seemed sure about what I have though (in the past its been thought to be O.C.D and bipolar disorder).

It seems about right but I'm quite prepared for someone to label me as something else again at some point.

I don't personally know anyone with BPD so it will be nice to share here. I can completely relate to what some of you have described already. I struggle with memories and trying to work out if things have really happened. I sometimes feel like a robot that hasn't had its emotions programmed correctly. I have no idea how I should be feeling in some situations, I can see how other people react in a nice happy environment and I cant seem to find that feeling myself sometimes.

In general I've been a bit shaky since my baby was born and have been having some hallucinations (does anyone else get them?)

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Fri 21-Dec-12 07:34:20

<sigh> I've woken up slightly disappointed to find the world didn't end whilst I was asleep.

STEPPS is a ''training course'' in that you aim to retrain your brain. By identifying the negative filters that make you think the way you do, and trying to alter them. Its a long course - six months, with a years follow up. Two hours in a group and one hour with a support team member a week. It's really tough going at times, and everyone in the group has cried at least twice. But I would encourage anyone to do it if they can, as it really is - gradually - changing things.

Illustrated know exactly what you mean about struggling to work out what is real. I know certain things have happened to me, and that is why I am how I am. But everything else I wonder about. I wonder if I am real sometimes, and that this isn't just someone's idea of a sick joke. And yes, I have hallucinations. Do be careful if you've just had a baby though. x

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Fri 21-Dec-12 23:37:29

I'm so fucking sick of this fucking illness. I can't fucking stand it.

frillynat81 Sat 22-Dec-12 01:47:37

Hi illustrated

I was initially mis-diagnosed with bipolar. Can see why as some symptoms are similar but the doctor who did it was crap.

Yes I used to suffer from terrible hallucinations. The used to really scare me to the stage where I hated being home alone and at night, I slept with the light on.

frillynat81 Sat 22-Dec-12 01:50:09

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot...

Sounds as though you are having a tough time right now, is it the time of year or has something else triggered it off?

Illustrated, I got sort of visual hallucinations with pnd, but they were more corner of the eye things than anything else.
I have not been diagnosed with BPD, basically my pysch said there could be lots of things that would fit me but which it was, he didn't really want to commit too.
I did some DBT and that really helped me with my mental filters, I've had just over a year of no depression/anxiety for the first time in about two decades.
I think today is just a low, run up to Christmas, tired, out of routine and my 'unhealthy' coping strategy is not currently working as it somewhat relies on other people.
So hi everyone, look forward to hanging out here.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Sat 22-Dec-12 10:26:36

Lots of little things, and its all just exploding. I'm really not coping right now.

GracieLoo Sat 22-Dec-12 13:04:25

Hi I hope it's ok to post, I haven't been diagnosed, only with depression. Been on different meds, has psychotherapy, was in day hospital for two weeks but nothings worked. If anything I'm feeling worse. Currently seeing a sw weekly. But I relate so much to all you are saying. What are the main things to be able to diagnose bpd? I SH sometimes, have taken od's, get bad anxiety, feel people are always judging me, not great with relationships (been single for years), feel very detached, sometimes worry I don't love dd. God there's so much more! Just feel 'different' from others and really struggling right now with anger and not wanting to be here.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Sat 22-Dec-12 13:44:18

Hi Gracie. This is the diagnostic criteria for BPD, I hope that helps.

feeno Sat 22-Dec-12 14:30:34

Thanks boobs. I was lurking as too ashamed to post. I read the info on the link. It describes me on 7-8 points out of 9

feeno Sat 22-Dec-12 14:31:15

Ashamed of myself and my behaviour blush

I feel like I post all over the shop hope you don't mind me bobbing in here smile

I don't have a BPD diagnosis (my psychologist said I meet five of the nine criteria) but I have elements of it and am going to do DBT so I thought I would post.

I struggle with self harm, although I can go long periods without it (4 years), when I do self harm it is quite intense and takes over everything. I have spend 18 weeks in a psychiatric unit this year due to my mental health problems, particularly how I get when I self harm.

I am pretty tuned out to how I feel, I rarely cry and often am not sure how I feel. Like when I SI I am not sad, or cross, just, normal I guess. Initially it was a huge barrier to getting support in some ways because I look like I am in control and feeling ok, when in reality I can be very upset, I can say I am really upset but my body language doesn't match. So people would be saying "you seem ok" and saying I didn't need support, but now, they know you have to listen to what I say and not look at how I present... I have great support now, a CPN who I see once a week and a psychologist that I see once a week who will be doing my DBT 1:1 with me.

I have been with my husband for seven years and married for four and have a great close circle of friends so relationships wise it doesn't seem to affect me so much. Sometimes I feel bad for my husband though!

I have OCD and depression as well. The OCD can be very frustrating for me and it spills over into my self harm a lot, I am very obsessive and compulsive about it.

frillynat81 Sat 22-Dec-12 18:08:54

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill...

Hi and welcome. Christmas time is a horrid time when it comes to BPD. I've had a couple of horrendous ones thanks to this illness. I started to feel to feel a bit 'odd' about a week ago, hoping that it doesn't come to anything really.

frillynat81 Sat 22-Dec-12 18:53:44

Hi Gracie, welcome to the thread. Hope you don't mind me asking, but I noticed you said that you have been single for ages? Did you choose to avoid relationships due to your MH problems? I too was single for a long time and have only just started dating again. My previous relationships have been a nightmare.

frillynat81 Sat 22-Dec-12 19:00:55

Hi feeno, please don't feel ashamed, we are all in the same boat here and we know how you feel xx

Welcome fluffydressinggown, I used to be good at hiding feelings and appearing ok too. I did learn though that it was a bad thing for me because everything would come to a head and I would lose it - it would be too much. How are you finding the DBT?

GracieLoo Sat 22-Dec-12 19:01:42

I have been in relationships when I have been called 'high maintenance', and I do get needy, jealous and insecure. Then since having dd and it not working out with her dad, my confidence and mh took a big dip, and now I'm terrified to date again, can't imagine what it would be like to be with someone. I'm scared of being rejected and I don't think I could handle that.

violetsrblue Sat 22-Dec-12 22:44:03

Sorry to hear about your aunt frillynat, that must be hard..hope the odd feeling is lifting, or changing into something better.
I need to get on with my cbt, I feel a bit like I want to give up on it..just switch off and not feel or think at all.
I've got to the point in my life where I'm living alone and not really working..a lot of time spent alone, have had such a turbulent life emotionally with some godawful Christmasses - at least life's peaceful now, just me and my dog smile

frillynat81 Sat 22-Dec-12 23:41:45

Sounds very similar to me GracieLoo. I hate rejection, from anyone. Could be one little word from my mum or a friend to set my mind racing - that is one thing that the medication hasn't stopped. I'd just give yourself time - you'll know yourself when your ready to meet someone. There is no rush is there?

frillynat81 Sat 22-Dec-12 23:45:44

violetsrblue - I know what you mean about the god awful Christmasses!!!

You need to plough on with the CBT, don't give up on it and keep thinking that this could be the thing that starts making you feel better.

And...you've gotta love the dog for good company lol

I am so much better at handling criticism and rejection than I used to be!
I still get the initial horrible sinking feeling but nowadays rather than react to it, I use thinking to acknowledge the feeling and then tell myself to move on.
I wish I had've known how to handle it ten years previously but oh well, I got there in the end!

GracieLoo Sun 23-Dec-12 08:27:49

Hope it's ok to keep posting here, hopefully will pick up any techniques that might help. This morning I'm already stressed to the max. I can't relax, doing everything too fast so of course it goes wrong. Just started crying because couldn't fold a sheet properly, hurt my hand washing up and could have thrown the while lot across the kitchen. Thoughts of SH because it's a way of coping. Can't cope with life!

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Sun 23-Dec-12 11:16:08

I have had a series of shit relationships, have been used, and abused, actually, although I have only recently realized the extent to which my relationships have been fucked up. Have huge problems with inter personal relationships, and yet at the same time, I need someone. I get very angry with myself over this.

I now have a DP who is amazing, and understands me possibly more than I do myself. He is not perfect, and we have our issues, but he can deal with my craziness. Have had full psychotic episodes before and he has barely batted an eyelid. Have never had anyone accept me and my illnesses the way he has before. He has been utterly amazing when it comes to therapy, takes me every week, and leaves work for a while after each session so we can have a coffee and talk it all over.

Honestly, I never thought I would be in a secure relationship because of how screwed up I am. Its a lovely feeling. And I met him when I was least expecting it, so don't loose hope!!

Off to the exILS today for Christmas. They're lovely, but sheesh I want to just hide underneath my duvet.

In case I can't get on to MN from my phone - a very merry Christmas to you all, stay safe. xx

Illustrated Sun 23-Dec-12 14:00:34

Sorry to everyone having a hard time of it at the moment.

I feel a bit like I'm stepping into the unknown as its my first Christmas as a mother and I will be going back to my childhood home to spend it with my family. I'm not sure how its going to go as I don't have the best relationship with them and I have some bad memories from when I lived there. I'm just hoping my dd will be a big enough distraction from dwelling on the past.

boobs I know exactly what you mean with 'Have huge problems with inter personal relationships, and yet at the same time, I need someone. I get very angry with myself over this'
I've not been single since I was 13, I've just hopped from one relationship to another and a lot of the time its just so I'm not alone, but I've really struggled in the relationships because I resent the fact that I need them so much without even liking them a huge amount.

If I cant post again while at my parents, I hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

On the relastionship front, I'm much more likely to go for people who I will choose to keep emotionally distant, then it does not matter when I or they get bored. I still usually have a day or so of manic sulking but then because I have kept my emotions out of it mostly, I move on. Cannot see myself ever having a long term thing again though I guess, inside, I really yearn for it but I gave realised recently that what I am looking for (love and protection) I will really have to learn how to do those things for myself.
Gracie I hope this might help a little but what you are doing when things go wrong, your reactions are castopherising them, if something goes wrong and then you react badly to it, it makes it twice as bad. Learning to take a deep breath and move past it makes it a lit easier to deal with. My life is so much better since I learnt that in DBT!

frillynat81 Sun 23-Dec-12 23:11:52

Have any of you had problems with manic behaviour?

Just a bit Frilly, just a bit, yes...

Tillysmum44 Wed 26-Dec-12 19:23:40

Hi there I hope this is ok to join in as I have a sister with BpD and it has had a major effect on me as I suffer anxiety and depression but don't have BPD? I really struggle to understand her,she lives over 200 miles away and never ever gets in touch. Our mum died two years ago and she was badly effected by my sisters illness too. She lived opposite my sister but my sister didn't go over to mums house for three years leaving mum feeling very very neglected. Now my mum has died my sister doesn't seem to recognise what she did. I have read about the illness and am I right to think this is fairly normal behaviour ignoring people in your family? I do try and keep in touch but its so hard to keep being rejected.

Illustrated Wed 26-Dec-12 19:48:21

Hi Tillysmum its good that you are interested in finding out more about your sisters BPD.

I cant speak for everyone but I certainly find my family relationships extremely difficult. Some of the reasons I think its so difficult (ignoring the way they used to treat me at a young age) is the way that they will not accept or talk about my mental health, its a complete taboo. I also find that I am incredibly sensitive to certain comments and behaviors towards me, I cant just shrug things off. In general I feel better on my own, I'm a massive introvert and I feel that I'm the black sheep of the family.

Were you all close growing up? Could your sister feel as if she never did quite fit in or had a very different personality to the rest of the family? I live nearby my family but find seeing them exhausting. Its not really personal as I find all social situations pretty exhausting. I have a younger sister and she was brought up very differently to me, she has no idea how I feel about my parents and was too young to realize how they used to treat me. She doesn't seem to understand why I'm not close but we've never had a chance to talk about it as I don't want to be the one bringing it up.

Have you spoken to your sister about it in a non confrontational way?

I hope you have all had a good Christmas, mine was difficult but I will talk about it another time as I cant quite get my head around it all.

Tillysmum44 Thu 27-Dec-12 16:24:09

Thank you for replying. On the subject of talking to her about it,it's been a non starter,she is so different to me even though we both have mental health problems. I thought we might get closer once my mum had died but it hasn't happened. She explodes if you try to talk about subjects she doesn't want to talk about. I've retreated and am trying to accept she just doesn't want a relationship with me. I have to admit after all that has happened I don't want one with her either. But I do want to understand more about what has happened as its so upsetting.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Fri 28-Dec-12 00:41:58

Hi all. Hope you survived Christmas okay.

Welcome Tillys, do hope maybe we can give you some insight. Caring about your sister even when she is in the middle of an emotional storm is so important, you sound like a wonderful sister.

Rant:

All I am thinking about right now is suicide. Constantly. I am always thinking about it. Today I was in London, and as the tube came into the station, I had to physically hold on to the wall so I didn't throw myself in front of the train. It is driving me even more crazy than normal. sad

Illustrated Sat 29-Dec-12 14:51:40

Oh dear. Have you got anyone to talk to about it over the holidays? It sounds like you really need some support. I'm about if you need to talk to someone that understands, you can message me if you want.

SirBoobAlot Sat 29-Dec-12 22:24:26

Thanks, appreciate it. I just need to get a grip really, getting so frustrated with myself! Might call my CPN on Monday as have just found out I have two hospital appointments this week and am really anxious about them.

SirBoobAlot Sun 30-Dec-12 00:57:09

Do any of you know Les Miserables? These lyrics just keep on going around in my head...

"I am reaching - but I fall.
And the stars are black and cold.
As I stare into the void
Of a world that cannot hold.

I'll escape now from that world.
From that world of Jean Valjean.
There is nowhere I can turn.
There is no way to go on.

Javert throws himself off the bridge, and into the river at the end of the song.

frillynat81 Sun 30-Dec-12 15:19:25

Hi there, did everyone have a good Christmas? Did you all cope ok? I was okish, no major incidents, I was just anxious.

SirBoobAlot Tue 01-Jan-13 22:36:10

Happy new year to you all, hope 2013 treats you well.

Still constantly thinking of suicide here, driving myself insane, and just want to sob. Supposed to be working tomorrow, and no idea how I am going to get through the day smiling at customers, when at the back of my head the voice is telling me the ways I can kill myself in the shop. I hate it so much.

frillynat81 Wed 02-Jan-13 00:02:23

I totally understand how that feels boob. Have you any appointments coming up soon to talk over how you are feeling? xx

SirBoobAlot Wed 02-Jan-13 00:06:08

Back to group therapy on Monday, one to one will be next Friday. My CPN is away until Monday but might call one of the other group facilitators as my head is spinning. Problem is, I can't really talk with DS around, and by the time he has gone to bed, they have finished.

I have to get a train by myself on Thursday and I don't know whether I trust myself enough to do it. Just want to cry.

Illustrated Sun 06-Jan-13 14:00:30

How is everyone doing?

I cant believe I've gone from feeling ok to feeling so completely broken, I can feel my emotions switching off. The only thing keeping me going at the moment is my daughter. Things are going badly with my DP and I'm quite sure I'm going to end up on my own with no one else around. Part of me doesnt want anyone around, but I know its not healthy and I wish I could be someone different. I would give anything somedays to be a happy, extroverted, fun person. Im just a boring mess. I think I've only ever been confident and impulsive when I've been manic.

I cant get it out of my head that if I died tomorrow I would only have a few people at my funeral. No friends, no family I get along with.

I spend most of the day feeling bitter about how my life could have gone, I'm only young but I feel like my life is over. I really am too frightened to talk to a professional now I have a baby. I've never found anyone that completely understands. I've been having horrible nightmares recently, I dont know how my mind comes up with stuff so dreadfull.

frillynat81 Sun 06-Jan-13 22:13:48

Hi illustrated

I always felt as though no-one understood me when I was at my worst and it was like me against the entire world. But, because you are only young, you have lots of time to change the way you are feeling and have many a happy year left to live.

Maybe you should consider seeking medical advice though... Have you never seen a psychiatrist or cpn before? It really does sound as though you are having a hard time. X

Illustrated Fri 11-Jan-13 01:20:59

Thought I'd bump this to see how you all were doing.

Frillynat, yes I've seen loads of psychiatrists before, about 6 or 7. Only one really helped me and she was a child psychiatrist. The problem is that when I ask to see someone it takes such a long time that by the time it gets to my assessment I will be feeling differently. I just change so much.

I think sometimes I just want a proper conversation with a psychologist. I want to feel like its a take and give relationship and its not like you can ask someone that's assessing your mental health about their life or how they're doing. I lack any close relationships where I could talk to them about anything.

I wish I was less lonely or just FELT less lonely.

frillynat81 Tue 15-Jan-13 19:25:23

well even when you think you're well, the bpd can never seem to leave. I split with my bf who was perfectly nice, its like I can't let myself be happy with someone. feel destined to be alone. I'm worrying that I'm starting to become messed up again and already panicking. I'm sat on a train typing this in tears! think its time to back to the gp...

Illustrated Wed 16-Jan-13 00:25:56

Hope your home relaxing and feeling a bit better now frillynat, sounds like you've had a tough time. Do you have anyone to talk to or something you can do to distract you? I find the only thing that distracts me from feeling overwhelmed is watching a film. Going to the gp sounds like a good idea, I'm trying to build up the courage to go but I change my mind every day about it.

sj2008 Wed 16-Jan-13 18:29:37

I hope you guys don't mind me posting. I have bpd, was diagnosed bipolar 8 years ago after a manic period but then the personality label was added last year. It is very comforting to read other people's experiences, I find it such an isolating illness. It is hard to accept that anyone else might understand how it feels. I struggle with self identity and my sense of self and at 6 months pregnant with little control over my growing body I'm finding things tough. Hope everyone is having a good day and coping ok. X

violetsrblue Thu 17-Jan-13 16:10:45

I had my diagnosis review today - I do have emotionally unstable pd 'traits' - I feel ok about that, it's what I thought anyway, in fact it's a relief and will result in more help. I don't fit the criteria for ptsd as it's currently diagnosed but do apparently have a benzo dependency (crikey). Anyway am currently having cbt which is quite helpful and when that's finished should have some more in depth therapy looking at all the old awful stuff..hope everyone is feeling ok today and staying warm x

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 00:20:13

<waves to everyone>

Tough time here at the moment. However, good news is that the mental health team have suggested I go on to do the second part of the course I'm doing, which I'm pleased about, as feel there is more work still to do.

If any of you can get on to STEPPS, would really advocate it.

frillynat81 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:40:19

illustrated...

Thank you for your words. I'm feeling a bit better now, thank you. I find it very difficult talking to people. The only person that I could totally open up to was my psychiatric nurse whom I've been discharged from. But, I am full of good distraction techniques lol however, they only last for so long don't they? Have yet to ring for a GP appointment. Are you still worried about going to see a GP?

frillynat81 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:46:33

sj2008

Hi there and welcome. Yeah, BPD is very isolating. I've always felt so lonely and like no-one understands me.

There's always people about here if you want to talk or just sound off. We're all in the same boat. xx

weegiemum Fri 18-Jan-13 18:53:29

I'm just popping in to say hi.

I was diagnosed 2 years ago, but right now I'm so functional that if I was tested wouldn't get the diagnosis, I've had almost 2 years of individual psychotherapy and it's made a massive difference. I'm in a stable relationship (though that's almost 100% down to amazing patient dh), am holding down a job 2 days a week, look after my dc, deal with a serious physical disability.

BPD is shite, but it can be managed. I still have impulse control issues (especially around wine!) but no longer fly into rages or tell elaborate lies.

Cutting my very toxic mother out of my life was the best thing I did to deal with this.

Just being here in solidarity is good. It helps I'm not alone!

frillynat81 Fri 18-Jan-13 18:57:20

violetsareblue - so have you had a 'proper' BPD diagnosis then? I'm glad that you feel a bit better for hearing that though. x

sirboobalot - how are you feeling? I've never really heard about this STEPPS course before.

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 19:00:08

Relationships are one of my biggest problem areas. And working out what is 'acceptable', what is not, and then taking the BPD enhancement into account.

For example. I had a fall out with DP on Monday night. I'm struggling to work out how upset it is rational to be, and trying to avoid the familiar pit of ''Why the fuck do I ever both, relationships are pointless'' etc.

That said, he is sending me completely contradicting messages right now. I only told him today about my operation date, have been withholding it from him as a punishment, knew it was silly, but I was upset with him from our fall out.

Grr, bloody head.

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 19:26:56

STEPPS is an educational program. It's bloody hard work, but I cannot say how much I have already gained from it.

I'm happy to post some of the course outline / information on here if that would be helpful to people?

Illustrated Fri 18-Jan-13 21:22:02

Hi everyone.

So do you have to meet up in groups for STEPPS? I'm quite shy and tend to want to avoid a lot of social situations, although maybe it wouldn't be too bad as I wouldn't have to have to pretend I'm someone I'm not.

I'm finding the same problem with working out how upset I should be Sirboobalot. My dp seems to be trying to push my buttons on purpose, he does the opposite to what we agree on pretty much every night now. I think he's trying to get me to break it off with him sometimes so people don't look down on him for abandoning his family. I don't know how to deal with it anymore. I'm starting to wonder if I pretend to be happy I might start to feel happy at some point.

SirBoobAlot Fri 18-Jan-13 21:40:10

I get very anxious with group situations too, but this has been different because everyone feels the same, and also that the group started off as eight (though only had six maximum who actually turned up) and has now gone down to four. Plus three group facilitators, who are all lovely. You also have a one-on-one session once a week as well, to discuss what has been going on in the group, which is helpful.

Are you able to speak to your DP about things, Illustrated? I struggle knowing if things are actually happening, or if that is how I am reading them, and then make things worse by avoiding discussing things because I don't want to hear anything negative! Sounds like he is being really difficult, that's the last thing you need sad Big un-MN hugs.

violetsrblue Fri 18-Jan-13 21:47:17

Thanks frilly, it's a bit frustrating that he said 'traits', because I'm left thinking, well do I have it or not? But my understanding of is traits = symptoms, so yes. I'm a bit shocked at hearing I have a benzo dependency (sleeping pills). But the labels give a shape to the fog and means I can access therapy. Hope everyone is not feeling too bad tonight x

SirBoobAlot Sun 20-Jan-13 23:45:04

Had a rough weekend emotionally. Popping by to send you all some love, and a hot cup of tea. x

violetsrblue Mon 21-Jan-13 10:17:59

Thanks sirboob, sorry to hear you've had a rough weekend, hoping today is better. x

Have started reducing benzos - gonna do it v v slowly.

frillynat81 Mon 21-Jan-13 10:30:56

morning everyone...

hope you're well and keeping warm.

I'm still building up to phoning for that gp appointment. just can't bring myself to do it.

violetsrblue Mon 21-Jan-13 11:12:15

Do it frilly, do it! You'll feel better when it's done x

Illustrated Mon 21-Jan-13 14:03:33

Good afternoon.

Hope your feeling better sirboob, I had a horrible weekend too. My dp wants us to just be friends, I cant do that. He says he just doesn't like me anymore. Feels like I'm back in school! I cant speak to anyone about it and quite frankly I'm sick of even thinking about it. All I know is I cant cope with being a lone parent, I have no RL support. Having night terrors almost every night now.

I was wondering if everyone here is on medication? I've not taken anything for a few years as nothing agreed with me.

sj2008 Mon 21-Jan-13 18:33:00

Thanks frilly. Hope you managed to get an appt?

I decided to continue with therapy through my pregnancy but I am finding it really hard. My psychologist and I are working on looking at my past and working out how a ended up so messed up. Its consuming me and I feel like I can't enjoy my pregnancy or look forward to the baby. I just feel there is no hope I will ever be better.

Illustrated, sorry you have had such a horrible weekend and you don't feel you have any real life support. I take depakote, quietiapine and diazepam and I wouldn't manage without them. I do have bipolar diagnosis too though so I think the meds control that rather than the psychological problems. X

frillynat81 Mon 21-Jan-13 19:26:50

violetsareblue - I'm just worried that its a big step back for me, do you know what I mean? x

frillynat81 Mon 21-Jan-13 19:29:36

illustrated - yeah, I take lamotrigine, venlafaxine, topirimate and propranalol.

frillynat81 Mon 21-Jan-13 19:31:49

sj2008 - nope, I chickened out. too scared sad

SirBoobAlot Tue 22-Jan-13 14:30:07

Oh Illustrated sad Much love to you sweetie. I got a similar talk from DP last week, but because of our age gap. He's now sending me every mixed signal under the sun, and still acting 'coupley' with me, so I have no fucking idea what is going on.

For what it's worth, you can and will cope with being a lone parent if you have to. It's fucking hard work. But you can do it. If I can, you can!! xx

violetsrblue Tue 22-Jan-13 18:29:29

Yes, I understand what you mean frilly, sorry I was a bit pushy there. x Hope today has been a better day.

frillynat81 Tue 22-Jan-13 19:53:30

violetsareblue - no you weren't pushy! How are you feeling? x

Grockle Tue 22-Jan-13 20:19:20

Hello... I usually namechange for anything related to this but I can't be bothered. So, um, hi!

I'm another one with relationship issues. Sorry SirBoobs & Illustrated are having similar difficulties sad

violetsrblue Tue 22-Jan-13 22:32:27

Hi frilly, have been feeling a bit crap today, have got a cold so not really going out and about or seeing anyone..just in bed a lot on my own, thank goodness for internet and have got my dog curled up with me.

Feeling a bit worried now about my diagnosis, that therapy has been suggested, and feel scared of doing that, and also about the benzo dependency..tried to cut back two days ago by a tiny amount and felt really bad, anxious and physically ill, so went back to normal dose, but also have been having an evening diazepam on top. Most of the time I feel very mechanical, if that makes sense.

I think I understand why it's hard to phone the gp, I thought I was finished with services but felt so crap last October, that I am back in it now with appointments and so on.

I guess it's a back and forward thing..anyway hope yourself and all others on the thread have a peaceful night x

frillynat81 Tue 22-Jan-13 23:35:12

violetsareblue - I feel a bit like its like I'm admitting defeat. I worked so hard getting well and now I feel like I'm going right back again. This evening I have been a tad manic, very fidgety and a million things racing around my head. My old faithful foot shake was back this evening. And laughing out loud at stupid things. I was also trying to pick a fight with my best mate today, trying to provoke her (without success). I'm sorry you're feeling crappy, keep yourself warm and cosy. Is your GP reducing diazepam? Big hugs for you. xx

frillynat81 Tue 22-Jan-13 23:36:12

hi grockle...waves smile

SirBoobAlot Tue 22-Jan-13 23:53:06

Grockle, glad to see you join us smile

Violets, I found it hard when I first started accepting help, and going to therapy... But seriously. Although I am far from okay now, I am so much better than I was. And I feel like I can actually say that without freaking out that everyone will think I am a horrible arrogant person as well!

PariahHairy Wed 23-Jan-13 02:05:31

Hi all,I have never been diagnosed with anything but I do identify with a few points of borderline personality disorder, on the crappy tests I always come out high on the avoidant and borderline scale, such a winning combination <le sigh>.

How on earth do you even go about being diagnosed with anything?

The thing I most identify with is not feeling real, I have tried to explain this to dp or the gp and they just go hmm and ignore me.

Honestly, really I do not feel real, like I don't feel properly connected to anything, I live in my own head, I look at my children and think "how the actual fuck did you get here?".

I look at people who actually do stuff and have mortgages and careers and friends and interests and they seem like aliens to me, I do nothing, I drift through life, wondering how the fuck I managed to get myself into this situationconfused.

I don't know who I am and I find it impossible to connect with anyone, my life gets worse as it goes on and I feel powerless to do anything about it, I do't know what to do?

SirBoobAlot Wed 23-Jan-13 10:57:07

I so know how you feel. Sometimes I feel okay about things... And then I realise it's because I think that it's all not real, it will start again at some point down the time, so it doesn't matter.

Fucking head.

FWIW it's called disassociation. For whatever reasons (things that have happened in the past etc) our brains cannot cope in certain situations or emotions, and so we disassociate as a survival mechanism.

To get a diagnosis of anything you need to see a psychiatrist. You might have to push for this as it sounds like your GP is useless (ideally see a new one of those as well!). If they tell you that they don't think it is necessary, you insist it is, and tell them that only a psych is qualified to say whether they are needed or not in a situation, so you would rather like to see one.

Even from being in the system it took me a while to be diagnosed, but that might have been because of my age as well (I'm 21, they don't like diagnosing under 20).

weegiemum Wed 23-Jan-13 11:07:12

PH, I was diagnosed by my clinical psychologist after getting referred to him via my psychiatrist I was seeing for ongoing depression.

I find the hardest thing is "living in" the diagnosis. It's me - it's who I am - it's common in women abandoned by their mothers, esp in adolescence - but I effing hate it! It explains all my psychological problems which is great, but it's a disorder I'll always have - a disability like my totally unrelated physical problems!

Had a bad day yesterday. Recently my addictive behaviour has been good but I was drinking yesterday so hating myself today, even though I've got 3 dc out to school and cooked dinner!!!

violetsrblue Wed 23-Jan-13 17:22:26

Frilly thanks, just been curled up in bed all day except for dog walking. No not gp reducing, just me seeing if I could do it but am just going to leave it for now. Hope your day has been ok - have you decided about ringing gp? x

Sirboob, thanks for your encouragement about therapy, going to go with it I think when it's offered and hope for the best.

weegie that was interesting about mothers and adolescence, I'd like to read up more about that.

SirBoobAlot Wed 23-Jan-13 17:38:36

Weegie, it is not who you are, darling. It is a condition you have. You are so much more than a diagnosis! And one of the 'good' things that comes out of the identity problems with BPD means that you can be whoever you decide you want to be, you have the power to choose that.

Violets, most BPD sufferers were on the receiving end of some form of abuse, or were deserted by someone they trusted. The reasons why BPD can develop are quite interesting, and looking at it as a reaction to difficult circumstances rather than something you 'do' can be helpful to a lot of people.

My childhood wasn't horrific, but wasn't wonderful. My dad then left and told me it was my fault he was leaving. He came back a while later, but the damage was done. My parents smacked me as a child. Recently some suppressed memories have come up which have led me to believe I may well have been abused by the older brother of a friend when I was around 10... But I'm still not sure. I was then bullied terribly throughout school, and I was then verbally assaulted by the mother of a girl who was bullying me.

From that, I can now see my fear of desertion and of upsetting people, and how I feel that one negative word means they hate me (my dad leaving / the blame), my lack of respect for myself, my body, and boundaries within relationships (being smacked and possible abuse), the self hatred and lack of identity (bullying), and then the fallacy of fairness along with feeling I deserve to suffer (being punished for something I was the victim of).

Once I identified these causes, it has been easier to process exactly why I am like this today. Which is why I sharing, not to be self indulgent, but because it wasn't until I stopped and thought about what had happened to create these thought patterns, that suddenly they all made sense.

Grockle Wed 23-Jan-13 20:33:28

I don't actually have a diagnosis of BPD anymore - I was diagnosed, undiagnosed, rediagnosed, undiagnosed again... I do meet many of the cirteria and I did do DBT. I hate therapy of any kind but it was really very helpful. I wish I hadn't thrown out all the handouts I got as I could do with a refresher every now and then.

Weegie, don't be too hard on yourself. SirBoobs is right, it's not who you are & it doesn't define you. I think it's a crappy condition to have though & it's hard to live with it.

I was abused as a child (physical, verbal, sexual) & have recently started having disturbing flashbacks. I've never really had them before. Somehow, reminding myself that the way I react to things is probably because of my childhood helps me a little... as if I have a proper reason for it. I still need to learn how to cope better but I think I'll always struggle.

PariahHairy Wed 23-Jan-13 23:18:56

I see what you mean SirBoob, my childhood wasn't terrible either (especially compared to yours grockle, so sorry for what you went through). It wasn't exactly great though, was smacked, scared of my Dad, witnessed him being very aggressive/intimidating to my older sister. My Mum was also very prone to the whole silent treatment thing, I would spend up to a week being totally ignored by her. My Dad could be quite mean with the comments too.

There were obviously good times too and I adored my Mum even though She was quite odd/judgmental in her own little way.

I did also feel quite abandoned by my Mum when my Dad died. They had split up a year before, She did basically leave me to my own devices (I was 15).

It's good that you are getting all this stuff sorted in your head so young SirBoob, I'm 31 and am nowhere near your levels of self awareness, I'm sure you have a lovely future waiting for you.

It's odd but when my Mum died quite suddenly,I was already in the midst of pnd, a lot of interaction over that time and since has opened my eyes about my childhood. I have no idea why I thought it was so rosy beforehand????

Is there any way to bypass the years of therapy untangling your fucked up psyche and childhood and just get the fuck on with having a life?

frillynat81 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:19:18

violetsareblue - yeah i made my gp appointment today. Have to wait a week for it though as I didn't want to see just any doctor. I too have been curled up today with my little dog, not energy. Having a fair few symptoms now and it's making me feel miserable. Are you over your cold yet? x

Can I ask how long you have all had your diagnosis's for?

frillynat81 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:31:42

My psychiatrist thinks that my BPD was due to very bad bullying throughout high school. It wasn't until I split with my last long term bf (explosive and abusive) that all of the symptoms started to surface and I had a fully blown breakdown type thing. It was awful, and scary, and I didn't know who I was anymore. I remember begging my psychiatrist to put me into hospital cause I wanted to kill myself. She didn't and I remember being so angry with her for it. I always remind myself that the BPD is not me, it is an illness.

Can I pop in here? I was diagnosed 12 years ago (34 with 2dcs and another on the way now). It's flipping awful sometimes. Quite a lot actually! I'm pretty high functioning now with a decent career, mortgage etc but every day I wonder when the world will figure out I am a big fraud and everything will come crashing down.....

Been off medication since sept when we started ttc but have started self harming again so been referred back to a psychotherapist.

Anyway, I don't know a lot about contemporary therapies as was just on meds for so long (was a lone parent til early last year and could never get to my therapy sessions) but still hoping I'm going to find a way to manage my feelings better!

frillynat81 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:56:41

welcome to the thread wavesandsmiles x

SirBoobAlot Thu 24-Jan-13 00:15:45

"Is there any way to bypass the years of therapy untangling your fucked up psyche and childhood and just get the fuck on with having a life?"

Oh PH how I wish there was!!! I'm sorry for what you've been through. I think it also helps not to compare you own experiences with someone elses on a scale of trauma. No one can have been through 'worse' than you, because the worst you have experienced is as bad as you can imagine. And once you start saying that X has been through worse, you start undermining your emotional reactions, which are always okay. Does that make sense? Sorry if I'm babbling. And thank you... I started off wanting to get better for DS's sake. I'm now - slightly - starting to feel that I deserve to get better. All very recent, all slightly scary, and all down to STEPPS. DP also used to lead personal development courses, and that has come in very handy.

Grockle do you still have the contact details for the team you were under? You can request them to post you copies of worksheets etc, or maybe even find them online.

Frilly well done for making the appointment smile I've only been formally diagnosed for two years (ish, I think I was around 19, memory is shocking), though it had been down as a casual diagnosis for around two years before hand, whilst I was still under CAMHS. And I'm sorry about the bullying, and the treatment from your ex.

Hello Waves, welcome in!

Sorry to be talking so much today, my head feels relatively calm for once and I can think rationally (well, mostly). DP was supposed to be helping me out with my STEPPS stuff tonight, and then had to cancel on me because of some urgent work paperwork. He popped over very briefly to give me some more pain cream that he got for me today without my asking smile Pleased to report I didn't over react. He told me he couldn't do it tonight because of the work stuff, and I managed to keep that in proportion. So feel like I have achieved something tonight.

Although it has been sneaking up on me tonight the feeling that my life is pointless and empty. I seem to do nothing. My health, both physical and mental, prevents me from doing anything, and that eats me up. I used to be fairly bright and rather intelligent before the ME hit.

Still... I wouldn't have DS if I hadn't have developed the ME, and now with my gyne problems, would be facing the possibility at 21 of never having children. So I must try and focus on that.

Sorry, very self indulgent post again blush

frillynat81 Thu 24-Jan-13 09:05:54

sirboobalot - please don't apologise for being 'self indulgent' because your not. We are all here to listen to what you have to say. x

SirBoobAlot Thu 24-Jan-13 10:33:20

My head is being ridiculous today, so I won't be taking half as much wink

My head is popping today. Being pg, hormonal, no meds and busy with work is not helping. I keep hating DH. Completely hating him. He teases me, even though he knows about my BPD and that I can't tell the difference and take things so much to heart. I am hating him today because he made a comment about me needing to get a decent pay rise so he can give up work. I don't know if he was purely joking or half serious. And now I think he is just with me because I have a well paid job. We bought a house last year, but the purchase was completely funded by the sale of my house (and our now joint mortgage) and I'm am feeling like he is just using me. It is exhausting trying to work out why I am thinking like this, and I wish I could get a break from it all. 5th Feb I have my first appt with my psychotherapist, I used to see him a few years ago but I basically got expelled for failing to attend appointments. So I am dreading going as I feel guilty for that.

My BPD has been attributed to my childhood - emotionally withdrawn parents (no cuddles) with huge expectations academically etc, and a lot of physical discipline. On top of that there was school bullying and mum had serous MH problems meaning I sort of ran the family from about age 15.

I live in permanent fear of being sent back to the acute psychiatric ward I spent a lot of time on in my early 20s.

Sorry for venting - it is just so hard for people to understand how little things can set me off so badly, and lead to such extreme feelings sad

violetsrblue Thu 24-Jan-13 18:47:27

Hi frilly, glad you made your appointment, sorry to hear about the symptoms..hope this evening is peaceful and restful for you with your little dog.

I feel better today and have been out on a longish walk with my dog..looking forward to going to work tomorrow (voluntary job)..been so fed up this week felling ill and on my own!

XX

Flickstix Thu 24-Jan-13 20:57:55

Hi everyone, I am absolutely sure I have BPD, I fit all the criteria and have done since I was a teenager (possibly before). I am more settled now and DH keeps me sane & grounded but I do still have emotional problems and I'm worried about how it will effect my DC. I went to the doctors a couple of years ago and he said that it was unlikely I would be diagnosed at my age (early 30's) and that the waiting list for therapy is very long.

Is this true? Thanks smile

SirBoobAlot Thu 24-Jan-13 21:36:17

Flicks - the wait for therapy depends entirely on your area, and which therapy it is. Disagree about not being diagnosed at your age. It is most common for people to be diagnosed mid 20s, but I know plenty of people who have been diagnosed much later. So do push to see someone. And do hang around here smile

Waves - never apologise here. Are you able to tell your DH how his teasing makes you feel? One of the things I am learning is how key communication is, and informing people when things they think are acceptable upset you. Can totally see where your train of thought has come from. <hugs>

Violets - glad to hear it smile

I had a very frank talk with my mother tonight, informing her that some of their actions during my childhood have contributed towards my BPD. I told her I didn't blame them any more, adn that I'm no longer angry, but that identifying the causes has helped. She did ask me...

weegiemum Fri 25-Jan-13 00:52:39

Flicks, I got my diagnosis 2 years ago or so. I was 39 (am just 42 now).

My psychologist (I luff him, in a nice way) said he's seeing more people, especially women, who are being diagnosed in their 30s and 40s

I've had 2 good days! No addictive behaviours, and I ran my first literacy training course today (new job) and it was fab. I'm not irreparably damaged, I'm good, mostly!

SirBoobAlot Fri 25-Jan-13 01:12:55

Hurrah, weegie, well done, and so glad it went well smile

Grockle Fri 25-Jan-13 03:48:23

I don't think I can get copies of anything from DBT SirBoobs - I did it overseas. Might have a look online to see what I can find.

I'm having a big wobble. Big emotional problems (DP gone awol for the 3rd time in 3 years) which lead me to sob uncontrollably or send stupid texts/ emails and also triggers negative behaviour and thoughts. I am a bit scared about where this is going.

Love to you all.

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 10:33:50

If I give a kind of list of my personality 'symptoms' can you guys tell me if you experience the same/similar stuff?!

I suffer from bad anxiety, have done since I was a child.
I am incredibly impulsive, not as bad as I was but still have difficulty with it.
I've got a long history of alcohol abuse and took a lot of recreational drugs up until I had DD at 23.
I have a real problem with being told what to do and ended up being expelled from school at 14, although I think I'm intelligent and did do well I just got so bored.
I have a very short attention span!
I suffer badly with derealisation.
I get obsessive with things/people but am also very fickle and change my mind very quickly.
I see things in a very black & white way, often switching between two extremes, especially with family relationships & also my political views.
I have rapid mood swings with no rhyme or reason to them.
Sometimes I get quite paranoid.
I have difficulty with a sense of 'self', I feel like I'm going mad sometimes and not sure which me is the real me, hard to explain!!!
DH keeps me sane, I am horrified at the thought of ever losing him but other times if I'm in a different mood I feel like ending it, then a few days later I feel completely differently, it's scary when I think of the damage I could do... Have had very turbulent relationships in the past.

But I have never self harmed or tried to commit suicide (although have thought about it sometimes)
I had a rubbish start to life and have had lots of traumatic events which havenm't helped but also have been partly caused by my own behaviour...

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 10:35:10

I also don't have many adult female friends, I find it difficult to interact on an adult level or for any length of time, I am too fickle and get bored too easily plus always think I am quite immature compared to them

frillynat81 Fri 25-Jan-13 13:31:32

Afternoon everyone, how are we all? smile

violetsrblue - what voluntary job are you doing? I'm off work just now until the 31st. I don't cope well with my routine being out of sorts.

Meant to say hi to PariahHairy, sorry that I missed you before! The only way that you can get your diagnosis is to get a referral to a psychiatrist from your GP and take it from there. It's a horrid process, I won't lie, but when you find the support that's right for you you'll begin to feel better. What I found that worked best for me was a combination of my medication and weekly sessions with a psychiatric nurse. I got to the point where I was well enough to be discharged from MH services after 3 years so it is do-able!!! Unfortunately, I'm having a bit of a blip right now but hopefully only short term.

Welcome to the thread flickstix! I got my diagnosis when I turned 30 I think - lovely present huh?!

That's great weegiemum! Glad the new job is going good.

Grockle - how are you feeling now?

Illustrated Fri 25-Jan-13 14:15:26

Hi everyone and welcome to the thread PariahHairy and Flickstix (hope I've not missed anyone)

I'm really, really struggling now. I'm much too scared to go to the doctors in case they worry that I'm not fit to look after my dd. I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a breakdown and feel physically sick with nerves. I don't have anyone in RL to talk to and I feel so desperate. How has my life ended up like this?! I just want to scream I'm so angry at myself, no wonder I have no one.

SirBoobAlot Fri 25-Jan-13 14:38:17

Flick - the large majority of BPD sufferers self abuse, but that term covers things like alcohol and drugs as well as cutting etc, so I would suggest that actually you have self harmed in other ways. Everything you have said rings very true with me, to be honest. Much love to you. Do try and see a professional.

Illustrated, please contact your team. Seeking help is a sure sign that you are fit to look after your DD. Do you know what has sparked off this episode?

Sending hugs and hot chocolate to you all.

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 15:26:04

SirBoobAlot - Thanks, I just wondered whether that was 'typical' of BPD... Yes I do see the alcohol & drug abuse as self harm, absolutely.

Will have a look through the thread and see if I can match some symptoms, obviously I do need to see the doctor but can't get an appointment until next week so want to go armed with info smile

SirBoobAlot Fri 25-Jan-13 16:32:16

When looking for a diagnosis of BPD, they look to match up to the DSM-IV criteria I posted further up. Suicidal actions, behaviors and self mutilation have their own bullet point, they are counted as a symptoms entirely on their own. So it is perfectly possible to have BPD without self harming.

"Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Criteria


A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms."

Also think it might be helpful to type out one of the pages from the "Awareness of Illness" lessons we had. I'll have to do that once DS is in bed though, as its quite long. Think it pretty accurate describes things, however.

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 16:42:54

I've got 7 of those symptoms, not suicidal tendencies or feeling of emptiness but I did have chronic feeling of emptiness up until I met DH. I am better at controlling/dealing with the symptoms I do have now I am older (and have DH) but when I was younger my life was hell, albeit partly self induced.

violetsareblue said earlier up thread I have a tendency to 'forget' all the bad stuff if I'm not in it, like I can't relate to it.. I feel like this too, and I find it really hard to consolidate my personalities, or work out which is the 'real me' as I feel so different so often, does this make sense??

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 16:46:20

Do you think I will get a referral and if so do you think they will talk through the list with me and if I tick more than 5 they will 'diagnose' me and get me some help? My main concern is how my behaviour could affect my children. I don;t think I am a bad mother, in fact I would say I was a good one but I get very irritable and can be inconsistent. Also get real urges to cheat on DH blush does anyone else have this??

Grockle Fri 25-Jan-13 18:54:47

I'm not sure how I'm feeling, frillynat. I'm swaying from extreme sadness & crying to extreme anger & SH. I'm so upset that I am thinking about that again. I've done silly stuff that leaves no evidence but am going back to my old ways. I think I just can't handle rejection. I never thought a man would make me so depressed & crazy. I think it's because I trusted him & because of issues in my childhood, I generally don't trust anyone. So when I trusted DP & he let me down, I'm finding incredibly hard to cope.

Illustrated, I'm sorry you are finding things so hard atm. What you wrote sounds very familiar. I daren't admit to anyone how much I struggle. When I have had to ask for help, I'm very careful about what I say & how much I share.

I have many symptoms of ASD & often wonder if some of my problems are related to that.

Hugs to everyone.

mummylin Fri 25-Jan-13 19:17:46

grockle just saw this thread by chance. I do hope that things improve for you ,you made such great strides before.Thinking of you x

Feels like today has gone to the knackers yard. Or something. Work is getting worse and worse and been fighting with DH all day. Either by email/text or work and since he got home, well, in person. I guess the issue is that he has become one of my "black" people. In my mind he is a bad person, whereas he used to be whiter than white. Him telling me to stop acting like a 2 year old is not helping. I have explained so many times about my BPD and how it makes me react, and that I haven't had any specialist therapy to help me change the way I am, but it genuinely seems to fall on deaf ears.

I'm fed up, even had an in depth chat with DS (8) trying to get reassurance that he really loves me and doesn't want to be without me. How shit is it that I have to look to my children for this? And how much is this potentially going to mess them up?!

Can't chat to people in RL about this - have to maintain the illusion that everything is perfect and he has fixed all my problems - we got married after knowing each other just over a month (typical impulsive behaviour on my part sad) and that was only back in July. It makes me feel so stupid, and makes me doubt all my feelings, again. Like it wasn't me that fell in love in some great romance, but it was my BPD that made me imagine it all.

flick I got diagnosed by my consultant psychiatrist after spending some time on an acute psychiatric ward, so I don't really know how it works outside of that environment. Hope you manage to get some support though in terms of a diagnosis and referral.

illustrated I really really know how you are feeling. Last time I saw my GP she wanted to sign me off work, but that panicked me as I am so scared of losing my job, and ending up on the slippery slope to the hell that was my life a decade ago. I daren't talk to anyone about how I feel as I am worried that my children will be taken, and I'll end up back on a ward sad I can't do anything other than offer a (rather wobbly) hand to hold

SirBoobAlot Fri 25-Jan-13 19:59:12

Flicks, I may say something now which you don't like, and I apologise in advance! But the fact you say you felt empty until you met your DH, and feel completed by him, certainly has a lot of relevance to BPD. Also the desire to cheat on him - sexual promiscuity / risky behavior is a big factor. I flirt horrifically with just about everyone. BPD sufferers have big issues with boundaries and inappropriate relationships, so that thought pattern doesn't surprise me.

I think if you go and see your doctor, and tell him exactly what you've said there, that you believe you may have a mental illness, and you are concerned about the impact it may have on your children, so would like some help to prevent that. No logical doctor can refuse that. A diagnosis tends to be more than just sitting down doing some tick boxes, and tends to involve at least a good few appointments, but it is worth getting a ball rolling.

Grockle, totally understand everything you have said. The filters are so hard to battle. I wish I could make things easier for you right now, I so wish I could.

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 20:01:48

wavesandsmiles - I hope you're ok, why haven't you been offered any specialist therapy? I got married to my first DH after knowing him for 3 months, he is my eldest DD's Father.

Does your BPD make you imagine things? I used to get obsessed with things/guys and then all of a sudden I would wake up one morning and be totally disinterested, it's really strange.

SirBoobAlot Fri 25-Jan-13 20:09:07

Waves sad I would say that if you have only known your DH since June, that is a really short period of time, and so whilst you might have explained all your issues, he will not have experienced them himself, so right now will be a really difficult time for you both. Agree that him reacting like that isn't at all helpful however. Would he react better to some factual information that wasn't actually coming from you, like some sheets printed from the internet or something?

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 20:11:15

SirBoobAlot - ha! No offence taken, I was fairly promiscuous before I met him, even though I didn't even enjoy the sex, it was more the exitement and being to close to someone/feeling wanted & desired. It really scares me that I am feeling like this again, it's a big red light for me as all it would take for me to mess up my life and more importantly that of my loved ones would be for me to be in a 'delusional' frame of mind and sleep with someone. Also whenever we row I see red, and for the next hour I so I literally hate him and decide I don't want to be with him anymore and think he's brainwashing me, then within minutes I can forget about it and I am totally in love again, it scares me.

Grockle - sending hugs your way x

Flickstix Fri 25-Jan-13 20:13:25

wavesandsmiles - sorry I didn't mean that last paragraph about your marriage! I just read it back and it didn't read how I meant it to blush

Grockle Fri 25-Jan-13 20:24:18

Thanks mummylin. I'm in a much better place than I was 5 years ago. I am doing quite well- just wish I could sort stuff & have a proper relationship with DP. Maybe getting involved with a man who has his own mental health problems was not a good idea. Hope your DD is ok.

SirBoobAlot Fri 25-Jan-13 20:42:12

Flicks: "Also whenever we row I see red, and for the next hour I so I literally hate him and decide I don't want to be with him anymore and think he's brainwashing me, then within minutes I can forget about it and I am totally in love again, it scares me." Oh God YES I know that. That would be number 2 on the list!

Grockle Fri 25-Jan-13 21:17:25

Oh, I'm a bit like that too. I swear it gets worse with age.

I'm so bloody angry & hurt by DP atm. I'm furious & devastated that he's gone awol again, I've emailed to tell him not to come back & that I've packed his stuff & will bin it because I don't want to look at it. Then next thing I know, I'm lying in bed cuddling his jumper & crying my eyes out, leaving voicemails telling him I'm sorry & that I love him & please come back. So, not only is he dealing with major depression but also a psycho GF. How did I become like this?

I know DP's not good for me. Yet I take him back every single time.

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 13:32:40

Can anyone tell me the implications of being diagnosed, i.e. has it brought you and your family to the attention of anyone you wouldn't want it to, can it cause problems if you want to get medical insurance in the future?

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 13:36:16

Hi, also how does therapy actually help? For example I know in my rational mind that I am being unreasonable when I decide I hate my Mum and don't want her in my life anymore but I still feel like I really hate her even though I know what is happening and to some extent can try and take a step back. Can therapy stop you having these love/hate black/white feeling in the first place?

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 17:02:15

Being diagnosed has been helpful in that I:

a) have a better understanding of why I behave the way I do

b) I was able to do DBT which helped me work out how I feel, how that effects what I do & how to be more mindful. It teaches you how to listen to your emotional mind but also to be practical & sensible and use your wise/ rational mind. I found it really helpful & wish I could do a refresher. It doesn't stop the black & white thinking but it teaches you to handle it a little better.

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 17:42:48

Thanks Grockle (like your username btw!). What is DBT and if it is a therapy did you do it in a group or one to one?

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 18:13:41

Arghh! Just has massive argument with DH, he told me he thinks I'm mad and completely inconsistent and that I don't know what's going on... I decided I really didn't want to be with him this time and that I fucking hated him. That was 10 minutes ago, I am now calmer and wondering if I am mad, he is just trying to make me think I am or what??!!!

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 19:29:54

DBT is dialectic(al?) behaviour therapy. It is like CBT and retrains your brain to think more positively & rationally. When I did it, it was 1x 1:1 session and 1 x 2hr group session per week so quite intensive.

In what way does your DH think you are mad? What do you do? He doesn't sound very supportive.

SirBoobAlot Sat 26-Jan-13 19:34:09

Flicks, I'm getting angrier with your H the more you post. Telling you that you are mad is not okay angry Seriously, you need to tell him to either expand his understanding of BPD, or leave you the hell alone whilst you're having an episode.

I haven't got any negatives to being diagnosed, to be honest. To me it was an answer, and an explanation as to why I do things that I don't want to be doing. The only possible 'problem' I'd say is dealing with physical health doctors when you have a mental health problem, but then if you have a history of mental health anyway, having an actual name to it won't make much difference. I've got very good at saying, "Yes I have BPD. Would you like my psychiatrists number? He'd be happy to reassure you I am perfectly coherent and capable of suffering from a physical condition alongside a mental one, as that appears to have slipped you by", if they get arsey wink Seems to do the trick. My overwhelming emotion when I was diagnosed was relief.

As for therapy - the right kind of therapy can do wonders. STEPPS as I've preached mentioned several times, DBT and also CAT can do wonders. However to access them, you will almost always need a diagnosis, so they kind of go hand in hand.

Grockle my love sad You don't need his negativity. You really don't. And you're not a 'psycho girlfriend' - he's hardly acting rationally, buggering off and leaving you with no idea what the hell is going on!! You are perfectly right to be flicking between being furious and being dreadfully upset, anyone would be. Protect yourself, darling. x

Today has been a good day. I met up with an old ex boyfriend that things ended badly with several years ago. Neither of us were in a good place mentally when we were together, it was always doomed. However... We started talking vaguely this time last year, then bumped into each other and realised we lived rather close, then at the end of last year, he got on the same bus as me home. He got engaged over Christmas which upset me slightly, but I am genuinely so thrilled for him, and it is wonderful to see him happier than (by his own admission) he has been in years. We talked about stuff, and also about the period in time when things went badly between and for us. It was a good discussion to have, one that was needed on both parts I think. He looked at me with a smile at one point, I asked him what, and he said, "You were always lovely. But, my dear, you have blossomed." There is no anger from either of us any more - we were both wrong, and we were both ill. And it felt so good to just sit and chat with him. Was also a test on my boundaries enforcement, and I think I handled it wonderfully well smile

Feeling proud of myself today, and generally positive. Finally starting to feel like I might actually get on top of my head, and never thought I would say that.

Flickstix Sat 26-Jan-13 20:25:11

Boobs & Grockle thanks! Boobs am really glad you've had a good day, love it when stuff like that happens and you have the chance to empower yourself! Grockle do you know where he is yet?

I don't think DH meant anything by calling me mad, I think he just gets exasperated, haven't really discussed BPD with him, I used to think I had ADHD (before I found out about BPD) and he humoured me with that, he thinks I'm a bit of a hypochondriac and read too much into the way I am/behave.

Basically he thinks I am inconsistent with my moods, react inappropriately and get paranoid.

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 22:09:25

WHat a lovely day, Boobs. It sounds like a very grown up discussion & one that has caused a lot of relief for both of you. Youy are quite right to feel proud!
I'm stealing your phrase re mental health & physical health. When I collapsed, A&E were all very worried til they checked my records. When it became apparent that I take antidepressants, they made the duty psychiatrist come down & see me. I didn't collapse because I was depressed!

I don't need all this hassle from DP. We have lots in common but we are opposites when it comes to depression... I have my fake smile, carry on as normal whilst feeling like I am dying from the inside & he runs away to his mum's & hides. You'd think by now he'd realise that the only thing he is trying to hide from is his depression & that it doesn't work.

Lily80 Sat 26-Jan-13 22:30:44

Hi everyone!

Hoping I can come and join in. I got a BPD diagnosis 4 years ago now.

Getting a diagnosis was positive and negative for me. Finally I had something that could explain all these random parts of my personality and I felt I wasn't the only one. But that hasn't really helped me a great deal since, feel trapped in a useless NHS care trust. It would seem I am no longer allowed to be physically unwell, all medical staff immediately assume anything is to do with BPD. Midwife called in the SS when I was pregnant with DD because she didn't understand anything. All my parenting decisions seem to be unduly focused on and I feel intimidated and paranoid about being constantly watched. I got turned down for life insurance off everyone I tried.

I want to feel better and move on, i want a better life for me and DD but feel that I am seen as a no-hoper and that maybe they are right.

Grockle Sat 26-Jan-13 22:34:32

They're not right, Lily. I'm sorry your experience has been so negative. I have a big fear of SS - my ex used my previous bout of depression as a reason for me not to have custody of DS sad It's a good thing I fought that otherwise I would not have a snoring little boy in the next room now.

Illustrated Sun 27-Jan-13 00:10:37

Hello everyone,

Thanks for the support you've left for me here. I'm feeling a bit better now. It was triggered from feeling very rejected by DP, but I think its sorted now.

I'm another one that rushed into things with my DP. I was in a really abusive relationship at the time and very ill. I left that man and straight away moved in with DP (who I'd only known properly for a week after talking for a few months online) Then about 2 months later we got engaged. I had no idea that BPD was linked to that, I thought I was just quite enthusiastic when it came to relationships.

Sorry to those of you that are having trouble with their DPs. I can really relate to what your all saying about constantly swinging from wanting them as far away as possible to then feeling like you cant live without them. Sometimes I have to remind myself that no relationships perfect and its normal to not necessarily like the person your with all of the time. I think it can be difficult for people with BPD to know if someone's good or bad for them. I'm an awful judge of character and so I've ended up with some complete arseholes who I just fell in love with because they gave me attention.

After never meeting anyone that could quite understand how I feel, its incredible to come here and see that we all know how each other feel.

Goodnight.

Flickstix Sun 27-Jan-13 08:45:07

Lily - Hi! Thanks for sharing your experience, that was what I was worried about, I'm sorry you've had such a rubbish time with the NHS.

Grockle - that's awful he did that but great you won smile

Illustrated - I agree it's amazing, so glad I found this thread!

Can I just ask everyone what is it that made you get diagnosed, did you suspect you had it beofre?

frillynat81 Sun 27-Jan-13 09:29:17

Wow it's been busy in here! Glad everyone is using the thread and finding it useful. How is everyone? Hope you've all had ok weekends. Hugs for all. Xx

SirBoobAlot Sun 27-Jan-13 20:07:57

Grockle do it. I'm sure A&E hate it when I visit now wink after a doctor opened a conversation with "So I see you have a mental health condition" and I gave him (well mannered) hell. My gyne was the only one never to make a fuss over it, only comment was when I refused to take hormonal medication because they are bad for my mental health, and he was completely accepting of that.

It sounds as if you are more accepting of your own mental health that he is, and that is a really tough position to be in. But you can't force him to change his mindset sad I'm sorry he's having such a negative affect on you right now. Big hugs.

Flicks and all those things are true - because you have an illness. There is a brilliant book called Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified that I have found helpful both to read, and lend to friends / family to increase their understanding. Maybe that is worth a go?

My journey to diagnosis was quite a tough one. I was sectioned after going to see a pediatrician with what we now know is ME, who saw 'anti depressants' and 'self harm' on my record, and decided I was obviously psychosomatic... Ended up in a youth psych unit for six months, fighting like fuck to prove that whilst I knew I was depressed, it wasn't the depression that had led me from being an active full scholar at one of the best schools in the world to not being able to get out of bed. A psych who had had ME himself finally believed me, and did a referral. Once that was confirmed, I was discharged from the psych unit, but kept under CAMHS, where the new psych was horrendous. He didn't read my notes, and seemed to suggest a different diagnosis every fucking meeting. In the end I was the one that googled mental illnesses, and suggested I had BPD. They kept a question mark over it as they wouldn't diagnosis me at 17, but it was confirmed a while later when I was with the adult team. The whole journey was hard work, but the end result was worthwhile. I now have a wonderful psych and CPN.

Welcome Lily. How old is your DD? Are you getting much support at the moment, both from friends and professionals?

Illustrated yes I was slightly shocked to find out just how much of my life has been dictated by my BPD so far. I always thought I was just enthusiastic too, but it is a key factor with BPD to rush into relationships without thinking them through, or knowing much about the other person. That's not to say that they can't be meaningful, I don't think. Glad you're feeling a bit better.

Slipping slightly after finding out DP has told me more pointless little lies. I don't know whether he does it to try and protect me, because his emotionally manipulative ex trained him into feeling the need to, or a combination of the both. But I am sick of it sad

Grockle Sun 27-Jan-13 20:49:15

It's such a fight to get any diagnosis other than depression or something with obvious physical symptoms. And at a time when you're really not up to fighting for anything.

violetsrblue Sun 27-Jan-13 22:52:35

Hi frilly, I'm doing two mornings a week in a charity shop..one of the shifts is lovely but the other one is hard, I'm kind of in charge that day and it's stressful! How do you feel about going back on the 31st? x

UnicornCentaur Mon 28-Jan-13 18:12:00

Hello everyone waves

I went to see the CMHT of Friday and was told that they now think i have BPD, before they thought it was a mood disorder. I done a bit of googling and it does fit.

I'm not really sure what to make of it yet, partly glad it has a name and partly upset that i cant just take something to make it go away! Just wanted to say hello and that i'm following this thread

SirBoobAlot Mon 28-Jan-13 19:18:19

Hi Unicorn, welcome smile Unfortunately it's not a ''pop-a-pill'' type illness, but there are treatments.

Today was the penultimate session of STEPPS, final one next week shock Can't believe that. Things have changed so much in that time.

frillynat81 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:05:27

hmmm violets, do you cope with the stress ok? I'm fine with going back, haven't been off sick. my boss has been abroad so my services haven't been required lol xx

frillynat81 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:06:24

hi unicorn smile

frillynat81 Mon 28-Jan-13 23:09:56

well I'm lying in bed having a wee cry to myself. sat thinking about bad things I've done in the past and 'punishing' myself mentally for being an awful person. don't deserve my son either.

SirBoobAlot Tue 29-Jan-13 10:40:23

Frilly sad You're not a bad person, darling. And the past is the past. Don't continue to punish yourself for something you can't change now. You can only change how you react to it. Big hugs. xx

frillynat81 Wed 30-Jan-13 11:01:03

Thanks boobs for your kind words xx I've got the GP today so have a lot to talk over with her. Dreading it sad

FlickSticks Wed 30-Jan-13 14:10:14

Hi guys, hope you're all ok and your appointment went well Frilly.

I was wondering if anyone knows if you could ever become a psychotherapist yourself if you have BPD? It is what I have always wanted to do, would the BPD make it impossible??

SirBoobAlot - thanks for recommending that book, I'm reading it now and have literally gasped with shock at the descriptions of traits & behaviours, I have all of them sad (apart from the suicide attempts)...

violetsrblue Wed 30-Jan-13 14:31:20

Hiya frilly, I don't really cope with stress very well, so I'm thinking of giving up the difficult shift..that's my pattern though - aargh it's so hard.

Really sorry to hear you've had a crap time of it lately..hope your appointment goes well today..hugs xx

SirBoobAlot Wed 30-Jan-13 23:33:04

How did it go today, Frilly?

Flick, it is quite a tough read for the first chapter or so, I think, accepting it. But have found it one of the best books on BPD I have read. Though am thinking of writing my own... As for training, I know several people with BPD (or other mental illnesses) who are now CPNs, and one who is doing her PhD in Psychology currently. People with direct experience of mental health tend to be better at working in that field, IMHO!

Have had a bad flare day physically, though feel a bit better from resting today. Made some cookies with DS because I felt guilty that he ended up doing an extra day at playschool (my mum collected him from here) as I was too ill. He always gets more frustrated when I'm poorly, which I understand.

DP has gone off the radar as he is away for a weeks worth of meetings and forgot to take his bloody phone charger with him.

Hope you're all okay. x

Grockle Thu 31-Jan-13 03:06:10

Hope the GP went well, Frilly

I have no idea about being a psychotherapist, Flick.

I can't see the book Boobs has linked to... can you let me know what it is called, please?

Hope everyone is ok.

PariahHairy Thu 31-Jan-13 03:25:59

Flixsticks I do quite identify with your list, but for all personality disorder lists of qualifying criteria I get quite confused.

They say "black and white thinking" is this all the time, in big ways? Or can it be some of the time, or in smaller ways, I do wish they would elaborate.

I don't think I will ever get help, I find it very hard to talk to people, especially Doctors, so I think some mild anti'ds are the best I will ever do, kind of a vicious circle.

frillynat81 Thu 31-Jan-13 07:38:13

hi all, hope you're doing ok and warm winter hugs all round.

well, gp went as ok as it could. after being discharged I am being referred back to cmht to see god knows who and my propanalol has been increased. have been low since and feel so disappointed in myself. sad

frillynat81 Thu 31-Jan-13 07:39:33

violets may I pm you?

frillynat81 Thu 31-Jan-13 07:44:25

pariah I am terrible for the whole black and white thinking! drives most people I know mental.

also, is anyone a stickler for routine and regimented behaviour? I dunno if this has to with me scoring fairly high for ocd like behaviours.

floatinglotus Thu 31-Jan-13 07:46:07

hi, just popping in here. I've been diagnosed with BPD, although I'm thinking that the diagnosis gets more irrelevant as time goes on (but that's another story!) I do have the core problem with emotional regulation but I'm managing well atm so haven't self harmed etc for ages. These issues are horrible to deal with though, I still have to constantly manage a series of never ending triggers sad

floatinglotus Thu 31-Jan-13 07:56:22

pariah my experience of b&w thinking is inflexibility- once you've made up your mind about something (particularly if it's something that evokes a strong emotional response, less so otherwise) it's difficult to shift, and the opinions formed tend to be at the extreme end, often out of proportion to the evidence. So someone smiles at you & they are the most wonderful person in the world, but if they ignore you when you pass on the street they are the source of all evil.

frilly I love my routine as well, but that may be down to my ADHD-like traits. I think it has to do with what makes you feel safe- if routine makes you feel better, your brain is less likely to kick off so makes sense you want to stick with it.

FlickSticks Thu 31-Jan-13 10:12:23

PariahHairy - Hi there smile in my personal experience black and white thinking is feeling strong emotions one way or the other, and often flicking between the two, especially with close relationships. For example with my Mum is where I have the most extreme black/white thinking. Sometimes I will feel really compassionate towards here, so much that my heart could burst, other times she will do something which in other peoples mind wouldn't be a big deal but to me it's massive and a real insult. I will then dwell on it and think I hate her, this will go on for a few days. I get it with friendships as well, I will really like someone and think we have loads in common and could be great mates, then something will happen or they will say something I take as a sign they don't like me and I will think there are an utter twat (whereas it's really me who's being the twat blush ).

I also get it with politics, sometimes I can feel very right wing, other times I am practically a communist. Sometimes I am middle of the road but not often!

FlickSticks Thu 31-Jan-13 10:21:20

I get it with DH to a certain extent too, usually I think he is my rock, the one who 'saved' me and keeps me sane and has taught me a different way to be, other times I think he has brainwashed me or secretly wants to leave me and when he is in a bad mood because he's tired (not often) I think 'God, I can't live my life like this anymore with this awful man I need to end it'... Scary...

FlickSticks Thu 31-Jan-13 10:22:18

Ummmmm, does anyone else feel like this or have I just outed myself as utterly nuts?!?

FlickSticks Thu 31-Jan-13 10:58:38

SirBoobAlot - The book was fantastic

Does anyone else get the over sensitive thing where you can't watch harrowing films or horror films? I can't. Sometimes I can't even watch the news.

Does anyone get the 'magical thinking'? In the book it says people with BPD can think they are psychic, I have thought I was at different times, am disappointed to find out it may have just been the disorder sad

Illustrated Thu 31-Jan-13 13:25:25

My black and white is the most obvious when it comes to my relationships too. I feel like I can hate people so easily and I've become quite a bitter person because of it. When I find someone I like I invest alot in them emotionally, more so than people usually would. I realise I never like someone for long though. I find I obsess over losing friendships even if I wasnt that bothered in the first place. Dont know if that makes sense. My feelings change for DP daily but I try hard not to show it.

Flicksticks Sometimes I really love a good horror movie but there have been days when things affect me more than usual and imagery will get stuck in my head and will act as a trigger for hallucinations and manic behavior to start.

I get confused about the term magical thinking. I was told that an example of my magical thinking was that at times I used to think that I was being secretly watched or filmed alot when I was younger. I dont get it as much anymore.

Does anyone esle get a recurring nightmare that then affects them when they wake up? I've had this same nightmare on and off throughout my life since I was about 5. When I wake up from it I will get auditry and visual hallucinations and what I've always refurred to as physical hallucinations where my sense of touch goes all strange for a week or 2 as well.

FlickSticks Thu 31-Jan-13 13:54:29

Illustrated - I can get very affected by good dreams & bad. Sometimes I will feel strange & jumpy all day after a nightmare. A good dream (usually about a man I know/an ex) can send me into a spiral of obsessive thoughts/behaviours for a while afterwards, funnily enough my episodes usually start with dreams.

As for magical thinking, I think I do still sometimes imagine I am being watched/filmed (even though I know I am not and there is no way I would be) I still imagine I am, if that makes sense?!

FlickSticks Thu 31-Jan-13 13:58:04

Illustrated - "I find I obsess over losing friendships even if I wasnt that bothered in the first place." yes totally get that one, even if I've decided I don't like someone I get really upset at the thought they don't like me confused ... What are your manic episodes like?

Illustrated Thu 31-Jan-13 16:33:19

Well my manic episodes have always varied, I think that's possibly down to being on different medications at the time.

I will usually be very impulsive and wont feel in control of my actions. I remember once I went into a shop and I had an overwhelming sense to knock all the shelves over and steal things (to the point that I felt like I was almost powerless to stop myself) I didn't do it but when I'm in that state of mind nothing feels real and I cant seem to think of the consequences.

What I do completely depends on what sort of mood I'm in when manic. When I've been manically happy I've taken a lot of risks by overloading myself with drugs and drink and sleeping about. When I've been upset and angry I've broken up with who I was with and booked a next day ticket to Holland! Most of the time though I will be panicky and frightened and just get lots of hallucinations and panic attacks.

FlickSticks Thu 31-Jan-13 16:56:53

Illustrated - I get impulses to do stuff like that too, sometimes I'll be walking along the street and think 'what would happen if I ran up and grabbed that person and shook them' (would never do that though!) or in a supermarket I think 'what would happen if I dropped this bottle on the floor?' or 'what would happen if I walked out with this trolley full of stuff?'. I can control these impulses but when I was younger I often did crazy things with no thought of the consequences or any feelings remorse. I rememebr when I was 13 chucking a brick through a shop window late at night just to see what would happen blush ....

frillynat81 Thu 31-Jan-13 17:13:26

I get impulses too which vary depending how I'm feeling, worst being really strong feeling of wanting to smack someone in the face for the sake of it to knocking summat off a shelf in a shop to giving someone a fright. The majority of the the time, I have to do it.

SirBoobAlot Thu 31-Jan-13 23:58:00

Hi all. Hope you're all okay.

Rough day physically here, and very low. Trying to remind myself it will pass, but another friend is struggling too, so am trying to support her through it.

Struggle with impulsive thoughts a lot, normally violent ones, verbal or physical. Regularly imagine myself hurting people or worse. Have only snapped a handful of times, only once physically (though to this day I don't feel guilty, she had been bullying me horrifically, and deserved the punch!).

frillynat81 Fri 01-Feb-13 06:30:54

sorry to hear you're struggling boobs , hugs to you xx

Grockle Fri 01-Feb-13 07:50:28

I am a stickler for routine & have lots of OCD traits. If my routine changes or plans fall through, I panic and pretty much have a tantrum... I don't know how to manage. blush

I also have very intense emotions... I don't just feel upset, I get angry with rage & hurt. This is mainly with DP so you are not alone flicksticks.

Obviously, I try to keep it all in check and try to save my meltdowns for when I'm away from DS & not in public but I know I am hard work sad

I have very vivid dreams... if I've been really busy in my dream, I tend to wake up exhausted (more than usual).

I also have similar sort of impulses. I remember when I was much younger having an almost uncontrollable urge to rip curtains down or throw books or something.

Hope you feel brighter today, Boobs.

Please will someone link to the book or post what it is called? I can't find it on the thread. smile

violetsrblue Fri 01-Feb-13 08:34:54

Hi fluffy, sure x

frillynat81 Fri 01-Feb-13 14:27:37

I used to hate the dreams that I used to have. They were really bad and quite scary, I used to be awake and straight after the dream I would have hallucinations for a good few minutes after like dark figures standing over my bed and one time I saw that my whole bed was covered in worms. I got to the stage I could only sleep with my light on I was so scared. At times, I still have hallucinations like I see a white figure out of the corner of my eye and it gives me such a fright, sometimes to the stage that I cry out. Bet I sound mental lol.

FlickSticks Fri 01-Feb-13 17:09:58

I get really bad sleep paralysis, does anyone else get it?? Also I am RH negative blood, apparently BPD traits are more common with this blood type for some reason?! confused

SirBoobAlot Fri 01-Feb-13 19:54:51

Sorry Grockle, it's called Borderline Personality Disorder Demystified. Best book on BPD I have read. Hard work at points, but very encouraging.

Today has been a better day. DP (?) is coming home tonight, however, so I now need to actually deal with the issues that have become more apparent in the week I have spent apart from him. Don't know when I'll see him next. Not sure if I want to right now. A few things are just starting to eat away at me, and I don't know if it is beneficial to me to continue this any more sad

One of my lovely friends sent me a cake in the post today. I don't know who as there was no name in the card. But it was really sweet, and turned my day around.

Supposed to be going to a family party tomorrow, but don't know if I can face it, physically or mentally. My pain levels are through the roof (making me vomit) and I know the uncle that will be there dislikes me. It is a one year olds birthday party, so there will also be loads of noise, and my sense are already on over drive, bloody M.E. Feel like I'm letting DS down if I don't take him to see his family though sad

Hope you're all okay.

larahusky Fri 01-Feb-13 20:22:05

I was awful in my 20s (sectioned again and again and really went for it with self harm) and have had a bit of a resurgence lately, but no self harm, and no urge to, since having my girls. It is definitely something you can grow out of to a certain extent, I think.

I wondered if everyone else works or can work?

I had a period of working with difficulty in my 30s. I took myself off what was then incapacity benefit and forced myself because I was desperate to be normal.

Now with 2 young children and a husband on shift work, I find that all my patience, fortitude, commitment is used up on my children and I just don't seem to be able to keep to any other sort of commitment without getting psychotic (to put it bluntly!).

larahusky Fri 01-Feb-13 20:24:06

My children are both at school now but young and very needy and I find I just have to pace myself very carefully in the day and give myself lots of exercise and free time to make it through til bedtime as a kind and loving mother.

The moment I take on something else, I just seem to flip. I keep being very hard on myself about it, but I don't seem to be able to do anything more.

UnicornCentaur Fri 01-Feb-13 20:55:56

Hi everyone, I have a question about 'hypomanic' symptoms and BPD. Can you get them just because of BPD or does it suggest you are also bipolar II? I do have these but usually it doesn't last long (sometime up to a couple of weeks but mostly only for days). I'm hoping its all one thing not both but for some reason im spending lots of time stressing about whether there is something else going on too.

Thanks for recommending the book SirBoob i will get hold of a copy

larahusky Fri 01-Feb-13 20:58:50

My psychiatrist thinks mine is part of BPD but I think it is quite a grey area.

I had a period of mania but I am pretty sure (as was my pysch) that it was triggered by being on venlafaxine for my depression.
flick I am also resus negative!

FlickSticks Sat 02-Feb-13 18:43:39

MaggieMaggieMaggieMcGill - Have you checked out some of the RH neg websites? I wonder whether my behaviour is BPD or just because I am Rhesus Neg? Guess I will never know!

FlickSticks Sat 02-Feb-13 18:47:03

Guys check this out www.leecrandallparkmd.net/pdfs/gifted.pdf

Are we empaths?! grin

Illustrated Sun 03-Feb-13 00:04:00

Hi Everyone,

Does anyone else find weekends hard? I always struggle. I think its because there's an expectation to be happy and do lots of things to make the most of the family being together but its always crap.

DP keeps pointing out all my insecurities about my looks. He says he's just joking but you wouldn't say someone had a big nose if they haven't, whether you were joking or not (not sure if that makes sense written down). Its still drawing attention to something I don't want to think about. Its everyday now. Wednesday and Thursday he was taking the piss out of my hair, Friday it was my 'rock jaw' and today my nose. Its making me want to go out looking for attention from other people just to make myself feel better about myself. I know its stupid and vain but I just want to be told I'm beautiful by someone that's supposed to love me.

larahusky I've not managed to work for a few years. I quit my full time job after a complete breakdown, the stress just completely set me off. I was only able to get housing benefit though and get by on working 2 days a week as I didn't have anything physically wrong with me. I now work from home every now and again when I get commissions. I don't know how I would be if I went back to full time work but I find it hard enough leaving the house.

Flick reading that is actually quite scary as I so recognise myself in that. I can walk into a room and pretty much know how everyone in that room is feeling. I can sense pretty accurately when someone is bullshitting me. Wow, heavy stuff!

Illustrated it sounds like you partner is a dick with abusive tendencies. My stbex-h used to do stuff like that, hence why he is a stbex!

SirBoobAlot Sun 03-Feb-13 23:19:27

Illustrated, that's a form of gas lighting. "It was only a joke", "lighten up", "don't you have a sense of humor?". All ways of insulting you, and then making you feel bad for being insulted in the first place. He sounds like a prize wanker, prying on your insecurities, and you do not not that crap in your life.

frillynat81 Mon 04-Feb-13 00:12:49

waves to all... how are you lot?

I haven't been sleeping great so I'm grumpy as fuck (excuse my French).

ordered 2 books from amazon on bpd but can't remember the titles. will get back to you with those smile

frillynat81 Mon 04-Feb-13 00:20:31

One is called 'Girlfriend from Hades' and the other is 'On knife's edge: a young girl's journey through BPD'.

That's weird, just been doing some writing and I used the phrase 'balanced on a knife edge of desire'.
The central character, is probably BPD, which would make sense as it is quite a biographical piece.

frilly have you been on Boobs thread on BPD?

PariahHairy Mon 04-Feb-13 02:12:36

All of your writing does make the whole black and white thinking thing clearer, thank you all so much. It does fit in a bit with my relationship with dp, we are generally just so/so, we get along, now and again though I will be convinced that he is cheating, or that he hates me and will make a big fuss blush.

He is very very passive though and will never pick me up on my behaviour, if he does something I don't like I do tell him, but he just never does the same for me.

I don't know, I often think he is actually far more fucked up than I am, I can't fix him, I'm too busy not fixing myself.

I have tried to split up with him in the past, he just refuses though, unless I pack up my stuff and leave, we are never splitting up. He is not abusive, just very dependent.

PariahHairy Mon 04-Feb-13 02:16:19

I do feel that I know how people are feeling, and like you say when they are bullshitting me. But I never have confirmation that what I am feeling is true, it could be, but I never know.

It's a bit of a cynical way to be but if I do feel that someone is bullshitting me, Pariah, I give them rope and let them hang themselves with it.

frillynat81 Mon 04-Feb-13 09:46:24

what kinda stuff do you write maggie? the books I ordered sound quite good. I read a bpd book by a lady called Rachel Reiland, anyone heard of her?

god I'm so feckin tired I could cry...

frillynat81 Mon 04-Feb-13 09:49:42

maggie...

saw boobs post, yeah. some interesting comments. have you encountered any negativity before?

I don't tend to discuss it in real life unless it's in the context of medical personnel, so not really. If I discuss mental health issues then I tend to talk about things in the context of depression and anxiety.
My writing varies, poetry, short stories but the thing I was referring to last night is my third attempt to write a book!

larahusky Mon 04-Feb-13 22:53:45

Thanks, Illustrated. Sounds like my experience. Got to find a way to accept that I have a point without doing something. Not that I ever stop doing things - just not ones that make money

I have read the Rachel Reiland book.

Is everyone feeling ok? Some of the comments on the thread in chat could be quite upsetting for people in a bad place.

frillynat81 Tue 05-Feb-13 21:03:09

penguin what did you think about the book then?

frillynat81 Tue 05-Feb-13 21:04:17

maggie what's your book about? I really wish I had the patience for things like that!

It's a story based round what I think could have happened if I had've met someone in particular ten years earlier.
I'm only eight thousand words in, there's a long way to go!

frillynat81 Wed 06-Feb-13 18:46:12

still I'm envious. is love to write.

I'm having a bit of a flap atm, doing some daft shit.

Oh, I've been having a weird day, think I'm a bit sleep deprived.

frillynat81 Thu 07-Feb-13 07:00:09

you haven't been sleeping great either maggie? it's awful, I was falling asleep at work on Tuesday. dreading work today.

I'm quite attention seeking just now with opposite sex. I have a bf but have been flirting with other men. I haven't done anything though. but I really don't feel bad about it. should I?

In my warped set of values and morals, flirting with no intent to act upon it isn't a bad thing but I am sure there are others on mn who would disagree.

frillynat81 Thu 07-Feb-13 20:12:01

That's the thing though maggie, who knows what i'd do face to face. The flirting is via text. I hate the feeling that I'm starting to be fucked up again. I just feel so horrible having this!!!

UnicornCentaur Fri 08-Feb-13 01:44:28

I am also a horrible flirt at times, with women as well as men so I think its an attention seeking thing. I know some people would say it goes too far but I think if its not acted on then its ok.

you don't know what you would do face to face so why bother beating yourself up about something that could happen?

frillynat81 Fri 08-Feb-13 12:34:32

unicorn i know i'm probably being silly but it's because i've been well for a long time and now i'm having all the reoccurring behaviours and symptoms that i had before. I will admit that i used to cheat but that was when i was a lot younger, pre-diagnosis days and i just thought my behaviour was stupid and i knew sweet F A about BPD.

I'm probably just sat here thinking too much about things and should really just quit it.

Ok, so in light of the fact that you do know different, how do you feel about it now?
If it's making you feel bad? Then why?
Because you love your partner and just want some extra attention?
Or because you feel that your relationship is coming to an end and you don't feel motivated to stay invested?
And then decide your course of action based on those things.
Sounds so simple! If only...

frillynat81 Fri 08-Feb-13 21:18:33

maggie i have only been with my bf for around 4 months and i've already finished with him once. The guy is so nice and very patient with me. I like him but i keep thinking i'd be better being single. I'm a nightmare in relationships. Then again, i really wouldn't want him to finish with me. The thought of that actually fills me with dread.

And yeah, i think i was liking the attention with the flirty texts!

I think i'm just a bit all over the place at the minute and i see behaviour happening now (although not as extreme) that happened to me when I was beginning my treatment, just before i was diagnosed and it's frightening me. My friend wants me to go out tomorrow night and i've said no because i don't want to drink and i don't want to act in this flirty manner that i am at the minute.

I am actually starting to think i sound a right idiot now confused

UnicornCentaur Sat 09-Feb-13 00:00:10

you aren't being silly at all!

it worries me too when I can see things heading in a direction I dont like because im scared ill lose control. What I meant was that you are probably finding things a bit hard at the moment so why heap a shit-ton of guilt on top for something you haven't really done? I realize its much easier said than done but be gentle.

also relationships can be hard work at the best of times and even more so when you are having a wobble. again cut yourself some slack because you seem to be seeing all the reasons why you are 'bad' and none of the good.

I hope this helps but I'm very new at this so it might be waffle!

unicorn does not sound waffley at all, sounds like very well thought out and caring advice.
frilly it works for me but I have not drunk in well over a year and a half, I feel so much better for it. Occasionally I'd like a glass of wine but I don't feel any real need. I've recently joined a site called meet-up.com and it gives me loads of things to do of an evening that don't involve going out and having a drink.

frillynat81 Sat 09-Feb-13 10:10:11

unicorn i guess i'm just very down on myself at the minute, because i'm clearly having a 'relapse' or whatever you wanna call it, i feel like i've let myself down and everyone else down. That i'm weak if you know what i mean.

yeah maggie i gave up drinking but i starting going out and stuff again but then i stopped again. The friend that wants me to go out doesn't know about the BPD. No-one in my life will try to advise me against going out drinking and stuff because i think they fear the consequences, plus i don't think they fully understand that me drinking isn't drinking socially for fun, it's so much more.

I have been filling my time, i'm still working, seeing friends and i have my son to keep me busy. I read a lot. But i'm so tired and it's like everything is in a haze. Like i'm just plodding on. I know that things are getting bad because i was on the internet seeking out lorazepam to buy last night and found some site where people were 'trading' in all sorts. I can't believe i contemplated that.

Anyway, i've got my referral through for my initial assessment with psychiatrist and staff nurse (the one i used to see before i was discharged so i'm happy). I'm impressed at how quickly it came through! Even though i can't go because it's on a working day.

Anyway, i've went on enough. I'm a bit manic today as you can probably tell by this essay. Hope you are all ok, hugs for all and thank you for listening. x

Keep talking, know that we are listening. You're feeling yourself slipping but you are already taking steps to keep yourself upright which is a huge thing!
To be quite honest, I may not drink (well I don't) but I still indulge in my favourite vice which is sex, but I have rules around it which I mostly stick to, so I maintain a large degree of control but I'm still indulging a behaviour, that ultimately, I might be better off without.

frillynat81 Sun 10-Feb-13 00:43:35

Do you have a partner maggie? I wouldn't sex is a vice of mine but I do have a high sex drive and I'm terrible for making inappropriate sexual comments and innuendos. Takes me a long time to realise what I've done too.

frillynat81 Sun 10-Feb-13 00:47:16

I think my main problems can be excessive spending, binge eating (I've been eating non stop for days now), and at the moment I am craving alcohol and lorazepam.

No, no partner, currently I am ''dating'' three different guys, all of whom know exactly where they stand!

Illustrated Sun 10-Feb-13 14:29:30

Hi Everyone,

Sorry to hear some of you aren't feeling great right now. I'm so fed up of feeling angry all the time, I know its all down to my dp. Hes constantly letting me down but I have no where else to go. My dd is only 6 months old and I know if I started working I'd have a complete breakdown so I'm stuck here being angry and taking shit from my dp. I wish I could live in a shared house with another single parent, I think that would be lovely but cant do that with no money!

I wouldn't ever regret having dd but I hugely regret who her father is sad

frillynat81 Sun 10-Feb-13 19:23:19

Good on you maggie smile but on how on earth do you have time for three?!

UnicornCentaur Sun 10-Feb-13 22:20:08

sex is usually one of my things too, alongside this cigs and the alcohol and the binge eating....

trouble is I tell myself its just sex and have a few casual partners so I don't get too attached to anyone, but it doesn't always work. My latest disaster was with older very married woman though and the upheaval of that is keeping me on the straight and narrow for now!

frillynat81 Mon 11-Feb-13 23:42:03

I find it hard to get attached to people nowadays. I mean of course I adore my family and existing friends that I've had for years but when I met new people I find it so hard to make connections and stuff. I mean, the guy I've been seeing, i like him and stuff but i don't feel as close to him as I should be if that makes sense??? I feel sorry for him in a way because I think he likes me way more than I like him.

illustrated how are you? are you feeling any better?

unicorn i hope you don't mind me asking but are you male or female? i noticed you talking about the 'married woman'. Only asking because of the whole BPD being predominantly a 'women's illness'.

UnicornCentaur Tue 12-Feb-13 04:38:16

frilly - I don't mind at all. im female and the woman thing was new for me.

I guess I met her and decided she was perfect. she told me she loved me but couldn't leave her marriage and had never been attracted to another woman either. Eventually I resented it so I havent seen her for ages and I think thats best

frillynat81 Tue 12-Feb-13 17:35:29

that's so sad unicorn but i guess these things happen huh?

I'm feeling very anxious today, very irriatated, can't sit still and have been doing the foot shaking thing practically all day. Roll on the day of this assessment!

Illustrated Tue 12-Feb-13 23:58:36

Frillynat I feel the same way about making connections with people. I've completely isolated myself from everyone, I'm so lonely but I know making new friends is just impossible for me, I long for a few of my old friends from childhood.

I'm still no better. DP told me today he has no respect for me. I don't even care anymore, probably because its what I already suspected. I feel all numb right now, I locked myself away in the bedroom today and just lay there.

frillynat81 Wed 13-Feb-13 11:30:37

illustrated you are so young to be sounding like you have gave up! why don't you try using Facebook, Friends Re-united etc. to try to track down these old friends?

Also, it sounds as though this partner of yours is making you a lot worse and you'd be a lot better just you and your wee girl. Do you have no family you can turn to? If it was me I would maybe consider a visit to the CAB to see what benefits you'd be entitled to if you were a single parent.

Have you had a look on here for house shares? Or on the internet? Just to get rough ideas of how much rent you would need to pay?

I'm sorry but I'm pretty crappy at advice but I know that I'm a good listener if you ever need an ear so feel free to PM xx

Hi frilly just to answer your question, I only see at the most two in a week and that would be one night each.
I'm actually amazed at how much stuff I get done nowadays!

frillynat81 Fri 15-Feb-13 17:25:59

What it is to be popular maggie!

I've noticed that the thread has been so quiet the past week or so, hope everyone is well.

I'm back in touch with my pysch nurse. Felt weird speaking to her yesterday for the first time in ages. Kept running through my head, is she pissed off with me, dissapointed...I was more worried about what she was thinking about me than I was about myself. My head is a mess.

Why would she be pissed off/ disappointed? If I were her I'd be pleased that you had got in touch before you'd really started having trouble coping!

UnicornCentaur Wed 20-Feb-13 01:28:06

frillynat its really good that you can get in touch before the shit hits the fan, so i'm sure she's neither pissed off nor disappointed!

How is everyone this week?

frillynat81 Wed 20-Feb-13 09:37:54

Ugh, I'm majorly fucked off. Just got shit going on with my dad (he has paranoid schizophrenia) and it's driving me mental. I'm sitting here shaking after a confrontation with him.

I have my initial assessment with the psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse on the 27th after being referred back to mental health services. Feel sick about it if I'm honest.

Sorry guys, just not in a great mood today.

I know how you feel, except I've got (touch wood) what should be positive but it's already stirring things up, I prefer being on an even keel, hate ups nearly as much as downs.

UnicornCentaur Wed 13-Mar-13 16:26:31

its got very quiet on here. is everyone ok?

frillynat81 Thu 14-Mar-13 16:51:14

Yeah I noticed that too. How are you unicorn?

UnicornCentaur Thu 14-Mar-13 19:16:19

hi frilly

im ok thanks. in that frustrating place where things aren't good but they aren't bad enough for anyone to sort them out. im just.waiting to see.what happens and it's frustrating!

I went out and got hammered last week and had inappropriate sex with a stranger, who turned out to be much younger than me blush. Thats a sign things aren't good

How are you?

frillynat81 Thu 14-Mar-13 20:19:43

oh dear unicorn, how much younger are we talking here?!

I'm ok, bit argumentative and moody atm. anxiety problems are bad too ie. dizziness, twitchy, shakes etc. had a few visual hallucinations too.

UnicornCentaur Thu 14-Mar-13 21:38:28

He was 18 blush its not terrible because I'm in my twenties but I would never normally go for younger guys. it was bad!

sorry to hear you aren't feeling good, are you seeing the cmht atm?

frillynat81 Fri 15-Mar-13 11:34:10

grin listen unicorn, i've always fancied trying a toyboy! i got hit on by an 18 year old the last proper night out i had but i'm 32 so it was a no-go.

i had an assessment with a psychiatrist and psychiatric nurse a few weeks back and i'm meeting with the cpn in a few weeks but don't know what will be happening from there. i'm just finding it a very confusing time tbh, a lot of unsettling feelings bubbling away inside me and i just want to try and start to get well again sad

UnicornCentaur Fri 15-Mar-13 11:55:02

Well I can report that 18yos are not where its at! bless him he was lovely and v enthusiastic but hadn't really got a clue blush.

I think I feel quite similar to you atm but I haven't had much luck with cmht because im not that bad. I don't have a cpn and im not sure why.

I hope things start to settle down for you soon

frillynat81 Fri 15-Mar-13 12:54:27

hmmmm sounds as though you're a bit here nor there atm then?! my cpn is lovely, i was lucky to get the same one that i had before i was discharged the first time. i'm not sure if i'm going to be seeing a psychiatrist or not, i'm presuming so as i'm sure my medication needs tweaking a bit.

UnicornCentaur Fri 15-Mar-13 14:52:10

all over the place is a good description!
I last saw a psychiatrist 3months ago, when she changed my diagnosis from bipolar 2 to BPD. she said that medication isnt the recommended treatment for BPD isnt medication so they won't give me anything except the fluoxetine and mirtazipine I was already taking. im not entirely convinced its working but I'm not sure what else to do. I am only seen 3 monthly by a psychiatrist and I have counselling weekly in term time too. Counselling was really helpful at first but has got stuck in a rut and now I dont have another apt until May.

I see the psych next friday and im not really sure what to say. What do you think?

frillynat81 Fri 15-Mar-13 20:38:17

well just tell them how you feel and the things that you've been getting up to if they are concerning you? i always write things down if i'm finding them hard to get your head round things or that. it's always best to make the most of your appointments. can you remember any days where you felt particularly low, high, moody, angry, anxious etc? have you indulged in any impulsive behaviours (well, yes!!!). anything you can think of, write down and at least it's there if you want to discuss it.

god, i bet i sound daft lol

UnicornCentaur Fri 15-Mar-13 23:05:35

course you don't thats really helpful! sometimes I think that I don't make the most of my appts

I also worry that they think I'm not taking it seriously. Like she said stop drinking because it doesnt help and largely I have, but I can very quickly end up on a bender whereby im horrendously drunk and having sex with someone I shouldn't. Or ive spent money I don't have on crap or ive eaten 6 massive blocks of chocolate or ive hurt myself.... the list is endless but if I have controlled myself except.for a few days in 3 months obviously most of my appt is dealong with why I couldnt do it the rest.of the time. it must make her think shes wasting her time surely? sad

frillynat81 Sat 16-Mar-13 00:38:25

no it isn't wasting her time as it is her job to support you to the best of her ability and if she felt there was no more she could do for you, you'd be discharged. just tell her how you feel and be honest. say it how it is.

was it your current doctor that spoke to you about bpd and medication? I take 4 different meds and I'm a total nightmare without them.

it really does show you though how messed up bpd has made our lives. it's sad sad

frillynat81 Sat 16-Mar-13 00:43:11

my symptoms lately have been snappy and argumentative, moody, binge eating, overspending, sending inappropriate text messages to other men, frequent bursts of foul language/rage type outbursts etc.

UnicornCentaur Sat 16-Mar-13 01:29:20

mine have been quite similar recently and really.unable.to settle and concentrate. like I always have to be moving. I suppose because I am prone to doing reckless things and can be unnaturally happy thats where the bipolar thing came from. Having read about BPD im sure.the psychiatrist is right as many of my moods, while they might be intense, last.hours to days.rather than days to weeks. That said im not entirely convince that.there isn't some kind of mood disorder there too... but I cant understand it so diagnosing myself is useless!

I am a bloody nightmare with my medication sad. I do occasionally become paranoid and decide that theres a conspiracy going on and the ADs are what makes me ill. I stop taking them and eventually become this irrational ball of rage and despair. I hate everyone and am convinced that they secretly hate me too and that I have no real friends. if anyone sticks their head above the.parapet I am a real bitch. then it just goes (or someone manages to guilt me back on ADs) and when people tell me what im like i know its true but it doesnt seem like me.

My current doctor said that she was sorry to tell me.that noone really knows.how to treat BPD but therapy.seemed to work better than medication. I really hope she changes her mind because things arent working but I have no idea what I want her to do. I think id get much further if I saw someone a bit more . regularly than 4 times a year.

I would ask for.a second opinion but they sent me.to see the hospital psychiatrist before and they decided I needed sedating on a daily basis! I wrote a stroppy letter discharging myself and don't want to go back there.

I think I've waffled...

frillynat81 Sat 16-Mar-13 09:20:53

you are not waffling! i think it's safe to say we are all here to listen whether we go on or not, but what you are saying makes perfect sense.

i don't think bpd is an easy thing to treat, your doctor is right there but that doesn't mean that you aren't going to have a good life with stability. i went for a long time where i was pretty much symptom free and i never saw any doctors for around a year and a bit so it is doable. everyone will have their blips, it's the same with any mental health problem isn't it?

i think that medication can help if you are willing to persevere to find the right combination for you. i take a combination of anti depressants, anti convulsants as a mood stabiliser and beta blockers for anxiety. it took a long time for me to find what worked, talking a good few years and that was before i got the bpd diagnosis when my old shrink was just treating my symptoms.

i don't blame you for not wanting to go and get a 2nd opinion though if that's what happened to you, that's horrible and i'm sorry to hear that.

do you have any children? and do you mind me asking how open you are about your condition?

UnicornCentaur Sat 16-Mar-13 16:17:42

I don't have any children and I am fairly open with my family.and my close friends. I think others know something is not.quite right but obviously not what!

UnicornCentaur Sun 17-Mar-13 21:22:56

how was your weekend. frilly?

frillynat81 Sun 17-Mar-13 22:00:56

unicorn - my weekend was fine thanks, yours? no major blips or issues here smile

frillynat81 Wed 20-Mar-13 12:15:53

Anyone about today???

UnicornCentaur Wed 20-Mar-13 15:05:51

I am and Im v bored at work

how are you.today?

DolomitesDonkey Thu 21-Mar-13 11:23:28

Unicorn I have been free from a diagnosis of BPD for 5 years now. I had intensive "Schema Therapy" devised and perfected in Manhatten and Maastricht by Jeffrey Young. It works.

Please ask your doctor to investigate further.

Were you able to get that on the NHS Dolomites? I've heard good things about it but it isn't available in my area.

DolomitesDonkey Fri 22-Mar-13 10:50:00

Sorry, I missed your response yesterday - I wasn't deliberately ignoring you! smile

No, it wasn't on the NHS - however it was available on the health service of the country I was living in at the time - it was really down to pure luck that I was living in one of the few places (at the time!) who did it. My diagnosis was back in 2002 and as I finished the programme I was told that it had evolved greatly and was now having even better results with group sessions and the programme will now last approximately a year - it may well have been refined since though.

The "problem" I believe is that the NHS will only fund 6 sessions of psychotherapy (is that true?) - and those of you who are BPD know very well that in 6 sessions you are nowhere near actually opening up and telling the "truth" to a complete stranger - no matter WHAT type of therapy it is!

However, because it's done in groups - would you dare approach a psychologist and propose group sessions at a reduced rate and/or to be guinea pigs?

I suppose the irony is that the NHS will quite happily dole out anti-psychotics, anti-depressants and lithium for the next 50 years of your life. <sign>

No, that isn't actually true - people who have low level depression/anxiety are usually seen through IAPT, and that tends to be 6 sessions of CBT. If you're seen by the CMHT, or other secondary mental health services you can get more than that, but it tends to be a bit of a postcode lottery, so for eg in some areas of the country you can get proper DBT, or schema therapy or MBT etc, whereas in others it is CBT or CAT if you're lucky.

SirBoobAlot Wed 22-May-13 23:00:14

Hi all. I'm reviving a dead thread, sorry!!

I've been well and truly fucked over by life in the last twenty four hours. BPD has reared it's ugly head again. All the symptoms I'd been controlling so well are suddenly back. I'm still in reasonable control, thinking pragmatically, but this situations sucks, and I'm struggling.

Know this thread has been asleep for two months now, but you guys are the only people I know will understand why having your trust betrayed is such a big thing.

UnicornCentaur Thu 23-May-13 02:19:10

well im glad you've poked it awake!

I hope you feel better, im sure all off us know how bad it is to feel like you do.

I am awake a stupid o'clock because my brain won't turn off. One of my friends is choosing to do something very selfish and illegal and I have rage that won't go away. Everyone says its my BPD making things black and white and although what she is doing is wrong I need to chill.

UnicornCentaur Thu 23-May-13 02:19:58

if you want to chat I'll reply here or PM me

SirBoobAlot Thu 23-May-13 10:45:47

Do you want to share any details Unicorn? I see things very black and white sometimes too, though I getting better at letting in the grey.

My trust has been completely violated, by two of the people I trusted most, and on the anniversary of my assault as well... However. Am trying to find a positive in this, and see it as a test of my new skills when it comes to managing my illness. Instead of feeling "Fucking hell, I should never trust anyone again!", I'm thinking, "Wow these two fucked me over. I can never trust them again!". Still slightly black and white, but given the circumstances, that's understandable. And I'm separating the individuals which is something I don't normally do.

Grow, change, move upwards, etc smile

How are you?

UnicornCentaur Fri 24-May-13 15:07:49

hi SirBoob

the details don't matter and are very specific so I would.out myself to anyone in RL.

You should be really proud of yourself. I think I have been in a similar situation and I tend to go for self destruct. I know I need to move.past it but I haven't managed to yet. it seems to adfect me worse when its a trust thing. I guess I'll get there one day.

SirBoobAlot Thu 30-May-13 23:40:39

Sorry for slow reply, have closed myself off from the world for a few days.

<hugs> regardless of details. I hope you're okay.

Trust is a big issue for me. And tonight I am struggling really badly. I know that I'm better off without them in my life, if this is how they are treating me, but it still fucking hurts. Having lost two people I thought cared about me so much, and having been badly hurt in the long run...

I'm not quite in physical self destruct, but I am withdrawing from everyone slightly. Guess those barriers are going back up.

GracieLoo Fri 31-May-13 09:11:56

Hi just wanted to join this thread as found out I had a diagnosis of bpd this year, although been struggling with mental health issues for years, and I don't know anyone else who has this so feel quite alone.

I hate it, it's ruining my life, and I don't know how to control it. It's affecting relationships so I feel alone most of the time, and rejected. But when people try to get close I push them away.

Sorry other people struggle too, but would like to share experience and coping strategies etc. Also how do you get treated by mh professionals, and what meds are you on?

Hope everyone is ok today.

SirBoobAlot Fri 31-May-13 10:21:23

Hi Gracie smile Welcome!

I've found that being as aware of my illness as possible is a good starting point to controlling it. There are a few books that have been utterly fabulous. Coping strategies, I have mainly focused on distancing.

As for how you get treated, this varies from case to case. How were you diagnosed?

I'm not on any medication now apart from the occasional diazapam. Have been on various anti depressants and anti psychotics over the years however.

The problem with medications and BPD is that the mood swings are so sudden and drastic, that unless you are on a mood stabilizer, they can be ineffective. Obviously if you have co-morbid conditions, they can be useful to combat those.

For BPD, the most recommended treatments are CAT, DBT and, most recently, STEPPS. The latter is specifically diagnosed for BPD, and I'm sure everyone else is tired of my ranting about how wonderful it has been, but it really has changed my life smile

Welcome again, and know that you're safe here!

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 31-May-13 11:23:13

Hi... Tentatively putting a toe into the thread. I'm not very good at talking about my bpd... It's caused so many problems in my life I'm pretty ashamed of it to be honest.. But I think talking to others with it might help. Thanks for telling me about the thread sirboobalot, I thought more about it last night and decided to come on over. So yea... Hello!

SirBoobAlot Fri 31-May-13 22:29:06

One of the advantages of being surrounded by other BPD sufferers is that everyone understands those feelings smile

I need to rant. You have all been warned...

So I posted the other week about this thing that had happened. Well, what actually happened was this: I found out that the man I was with was not only fucking half of the country, but also his flat mate, my friend, who lied to me outright about anything ever happening between them, and also about where he was all the times I was feeling suspicious. He knew all of my triggers and all of my weaknesses, she knew all the times I was feeling vulnerable. They've screwed me over - and screwed each other.

Logically I know I'm better without the pair of them out of my life, if this is what they are like, but I can't help but mourn the loss of the two close relationships I thought I had. I was incredibly low and symptomatic last night / this morning. Tonight I'm simply feeling impulsive.

People really are fucks.

It also gets 'better'. I returned the last of his stuff to him last Sunday - in public - and he has tried to not only turn me into the bad guy, but he lied to my face, and then, just to top it off, suggested that maybe I was over reacting because of my illness. How can you get someone so wrong? Feel like a fucking idiot.

/ here endth the rant.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 01-Jun-13 09:53:59

You are definitely not the idiot, they are cold hearted cunts from the sound of it. Do bpds attract fucking arseholes?? Until I met DH every bloke I was with cheated on me and iv pretty much lost every friend iv ever had so I know the feeling of mourning the loss of relationships.

I recently ended a friendship because the person was a fucking using damaging piece of shit and she had the cheek to say when I had 'got over this crazy patch' that I would realise what a good friend I had lost. I can honestly say I was feeling more stable than I had in ages and I haven't missed her one bit. It was the right thing to do. It's funny how people will use your illness to justify the fucking shitty things they do to you, or make it seem like you are over reacting. How can you have over reacted about what these arseholes have done? In what universe is that ok?? So sorry sirboobalot sad

SirBoobAlot Sat 01-Jun-13 10:11:30

Jesus, Heffa, I'd have lost my shit angry Sounds like you're better off without her in your life. And well done you for staying so stable during a tough time smile

Cold hearted cunts about covers it, I think. And I think there certainly is something to be said about Borderlines and relationships; not that we attract arseholes, but that there are sick twisted arseholes out there who notice a 'weakness' and prey on it. Because they're fuckers. Sounds like you have a good one with your DH thought smile

I'll be okay. It just sets me back after all the progress I've made with trusting people, relationships, black and white thinking... Gah. Thankfully I am able to see how many genuinely wonderful friends I do have around me at the moment, though it's not easy. I'd been seeing him for 18 months. He'd met my DS, we'd been on a 'family' holiday... Found out that three weeks before this holiday he was having a foursome, including the flat mate sad

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 01-Jun-13 11:10:47

What a piece of shit. You are definitely better off without that man whore and the female whore flat mate. Some people just can't keep their pants on no matter who it hurts. In my opinion they must be seriously flawed individuals to be able to do that to you, something not quite right in their heads for their concience not to say that's an awful way to behave. I never quite understand how people can deceive others like that and not even care. confused

You are preaching to the choir about trust and black and white thinking. Me and DH had been together for about 4 years before I realised that my absolute assumption that he was going to cheat on me and leave me may not have been correct. Until that point every single time he went out I was 100% convinced that he would meet someone else, realise that they were a better option and leave. Simple as that. He's a man, men cheat and leave. I was honestly surprised each time he came home. But there actually are decent ones out there I promise, he can't be the only one.

So glad you have good friends around you, good relationships can be 100 times more healing than bad ones can be damaging sometimes.

GracieLoo Sat 01-Jun-13 12:21:15

Just wanted to add my bit about crap relationships. Don't wish it on anyone but nice to know I'm not alone with this. I never seem to find anyone who wants to settle down with me. When I was younger I used to sleep about a bit, with blokes who showed me a bit of attention. I then dated a couple, but used to get called high maintenance. When I eventually had a long term bf who I lived with, he actually put me down a lot then eventually cheated on me. I was devastated.

Since then I have gone from one short relationship to another. I think it's going well, I don't think I do anything wrong. Used to be clingy but not anymore. I just then get a text saying it's over, with all the break up excuses they use. I get told I'm attractive, friendly and good company (not that I believe any of that), but I'm always on my own. I can't deal with anymore rejection, I'm gutted. And each time it happens I hate myself more and the self-destruction increases. I also get embarrassed and haven't told anyone about the recent rejection, they think I'm still seeing him.

Sorry to have gone on about me, SirBoob and Heffalump, sorry you've been treated badly too. Do you think we attract the wrong sorts, or is it us and the bpd?

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 01-Jun-13 13:51:01

Gracie, I'm out at the minute but didn't want you to feel ignored, I will be back a little bit later and would love a chat about what you've said. I could have written your post there a few years ago so you are definitely not alone. Be back soon.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 01-Jun-13 17:03:46

Hi again, sorry you are having a shit time at the minute. Every rejection gets harder to take and hurts more than the last.

I was very similar to how you describe how you used to be, so desperate to feel wanted and loved that I slept around quite a bit too. It didn't make me feel good in the long run at all but to me if someone slept with me it meant they wanted me and it made me feel worth something for a while.

What you said about the people we attract I have a bit of a theory on. From all the work I have done in psychotherapy I think that all the people I have attracted and been attracted to over the years have been seriously flawed in some way. It applies with friends that I have become very close with too, not just relationships. It's easier to be around people who don't have their life together and have their own set of problems, it makes me feel less like a freak. However as comforting as this is, and as comfortable I feel in these relationships I have repeatedly put myself in the danger zone of being affected by their problems. Does that make any sense?

Also what sirboobalot said upthread about becoming more aware of the bpd makes so much sense. I used to behave in a completely unreasonable way because of bpd but because I didn't know it wasnt normal i didn't try and change it. I was clingy, needy, posessive, jealous, obsessive, a complete nightmare to be honest. It sounds like you are becoming pretty aware which is so positive.

Just to say, just because your relationship has come to an end doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, it just means that you and that person weren't right for each other. I look back at all my failed relationships and remember how devastated I was at the end of each one. It was like someone had died and I would never be ok. But now I'm glad that they all failed because i can very clearly see now that we weren't right for each other at all.

Sorry that was so long, I haven't talked about bpd stuff before really and I think there's lots in my head.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 01-Jun-13 17:20:32

Also iv just seen your earlier post asking about how others are treated by mh professionals and what medication we are on.

Medication - im off all medication now because I'm 21 weeks pregnant. Before though I was taking Quetiapine (an antipsychotic), it helped me sleep and caused my moods to be a bit more stable. I found it slowed down my thoughts which really helped me stop the damaging lines of thought before they ran away with me. I have also tried tons of different antidepressants but they have never worked for me, in fact some of the times iv come closest to suicide I have been on antidepressants. Not good!!

Mh professionals - private - really fucking shit, didn't take me seriously, a complete joke to be honest.
NHS - fantastic, referred for psychotherapy, helped with medication, lots of extra support offered and they have been absolutely incredible since I fell pregnant.

GracieLoo Sun 02-Jun-13 14:05:23

Hi, feeling like I can move on from that relationship as I've got so much other stuff on my mind right now, but then I got a text saying he'd love to meet up again when he's sorted his life out. I don't know what to make of this, automatically think he's with someone else. Also I hadn't been overly clingy or anything, but now want to keep texting him and asking him if he wants to see me, or asking what I've done wrong. I haven't though, feel too numb to bother.

I've never been offered an anti-psychotic or mood stabiliser. Been on 5 types of AD's that never seem to work, waiting for group psychotherapy, other therapies haven't worked! Congratulations btw, is it your first? How are you coping without meds?

SirBoobAlot Sun 02-Jun-13 21:06:11

My relationship history has been rather... Fucked up, really. First sexual relationship just after I turned 14. Most of that was 'normal', though I woke up to him touching me when I'd been asleep once. Then there were various guys after things end with him... I know where my issues with relationships come from, but it hasn't stopped the same thing happening over and over again in the past.

I think, thankfully, I pay have finally broken that cycle, though only time will really tell.

This, however, may well be typical BPD behavior: I'm now seeing a friend of the cunt flatmate. I knew she liked him. Nothing had ever, or was ever, going to happen between them. She introduced us, we got on fabulously. This was five weeks ago, only a few days after I'd found another woman's suitcase in the ex-twats room. He's lovely - incredibly normal wink I don't regret getting involved with him, as things are so nice, and he's brilliant - he drove me down to take Twat's stuff back, etc, because he knew I was nervous, and just waited outside for me. There's no pressure, we're taking things very easy. But I've been wondering whether getting involved with him in the first place was down to us getting on so wonderfully, or me being Borderline? Think I'm probably thinking about it way too much. I certainly fancy him, so I don't think it's one of the 'I don't care who you are, I just need someone to care about me' type flings I've had, that are obviously BPD fuled.

Anyway, am rambling now, sorry.

have got my individual therapy session tomorrow. I'll update her on everything that's happened, though I did call her the day after I found out about him and her fucking me over.

How are we all today?

HeffalumpTheFlump Mon 03-Jun-13 10:47:58

Not good at all. Iv gone from just about holding everything together to seriously not. My DH has crohns, so is really fucking sick sometimes and its been really bad lately, his job isn't secure and we have a baby on the way, lots of family members ill, money problems and general pregnancy stress. I was somehow keeping kind of level and then it all went tits up.

This is whats kicked it off: We have the neighbour from hell living above us. He is a fucking woman beating psychopath who needs to be in a hospital/prison. We have had problems with him before because he thought I called the police on him for going after his gf with an axe. He threatened to stab both me and my DH and generally made our lives hell.

He has three huge dogs in a 1 bed flat that he leaves for hours on end, lately especially at night. I have been getting barely any sleep because of the dogs, they howl and bark constantly for hours at a time.

This is the stupid bit - after being woken up at half 1 in the morning by the dogs I sent him a message on fb. 100% polite, but explaining that it was becoming a problem, I'm pg, need sleep etc. Hes completely lost it at me. Sent back message after message of abuse and threats, telling me that's it we are gna have to move because he's gna make our lives hell. He got more and more twisted and threatening throughout the messages and started saying that every bit of noise he hears he is going to call the police.

At this point I started crying because I just couldn't deal with it, he sent another threatening message saying he could hear the disturbing noise coming from our flat and he would need to call the police. He was evidently getting a thrill from hearing me cry.

This is all my fault, I should never have sent the message, I was just so tired and I can't deal with my head when I get tired. Now I have made our baby's home not safe, I don't know if we can stay here anymore but we can't afford anywhere else. Iv fucked everything up.

He repeatedly beat up his gf when she was pg with their son, so I have no doubts he would come good on some of his threats to me.

I'm completely falling apart, I can't stop crying and can't think clearly in any way. I'm scared to be in our flat but I'm scared to leave it incase he breaks in which he threatened to do. I am so angry at myself for messaging him, things were just settling down from the last time he kicked off at me. I don't know what to do.

HeffalumpTheFlump Mon 03-Jun-13 10:51:30

I can't even leave my bedroom. I feel so trapped and scared. I just want my home to feel ok again, and instead it feels frightening and unsafe. Every noise sounds louder and I can't see that it's ever going to feel ok again. He's tried to get in my head and he's succeeded, I'm completely falling apart.

SirBoobAlot Mon 03-Jun-13 21:04:32

Oh love am so sorry things feel crap right now sad Would moving be an option? He sounds like the last thing you need right now.

And you haven't made things unsafe - you made a perfectly reasonable request, he reacted horribly.

HeffalumpTheFlump Mon 03-Jun-13 22:20:36

We seriously can't afford to move, it's not an option at all. I managed to pull myself together a bit this afternoon and am thinking a bit more clearly. Iv got a scan tomorrow so need to keep it together for that.

SirBoobAlot Mon 03-Jun-13 22:51:55

Well that's something good to focus on. What time is your scan?

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 04-Jun-13 10:45:18

It's at 1.50. Feeling a bit better today. The scan is really helping. We might be able to find out the sex and my best friend and my dad are coming with so thats really nice (DH has got to work). My friend is really excited and has been texting me all morning which is lovely.

I can't let the psychopath ruin my life, or my home. I'll just have to deal with it if he does something. He left the dog all night again last night but I managed to find some earplugs which helped. Thanks for ur replies by the way.

SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Jun-13 10:48:20

Oooh exciting! I loved having my scans with DS, hope you get to find out the sex if you want to smile

I had my appointment with my CPN yesterday, we talked about all the crap that has been going on, and it made me realise how much progress I've made over the last year or so with controlling my illness smile Still having the odd thought pattern slipping in, but generally I've made a lot of steps towards recovery.

UnicornCentaur Tue 04-Jun-13 11:21:11

Ooo Heffa that's exciting! I'll. be thinking of you

I am having a shit week and cut myself over the weekend. I dont really understand why when I was ok last week...

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 04-Jun-13 20:21:03

Hey again. Scan was fantastic, has picked me right back up again. Found out baby is a little girl. smile

Sirboobalot so glad you have come so far, you should be so proud of yourself, it's hard work but so worth it.

Unicorn so sorry you had a rough weekend, did anything in particular make you feel so bad? It's horrible when you feel like you are going backwards sad

SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Jun-13 20:25:35

<hugs> Unicorn. We're here for you.

Wonderful news, Heffa!

Now ladies... I have no food in the house, have been too ill (physically) to do a proper shop. Can I justify ordering take out?

UnicornCentaur Tue 04-Jun-13 21:17:02

course you can!!! enjoy!

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 04-Jun-13 22:17:19

I really hope you got that takeaway!!! I had a really naughty harvester today... Was absolutely scrummy. I had a BBQ chicken, bacon and cheese stack and then chocolate fudge cake. It was actually delicious smile what takeaway did u get if you did? Sorry I'm 21 weeks pg and completely obsessed with food at the minute!!

SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Jun-13 22:18:35

Omg Heffa I'm drooling here... Ha! I had a salad... I decided to be sensible. Seeing as I took myself out for a cooked breakfast yesterday morning blush grin

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 04-Jun-13 22:21:46

Definitely nothing wrong with a cooked brekkie, but I don't approve of your salad, far too healthy for my liking...

SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Jun-13 23:05:19

I'm sorry. Can I make up for it tomorrow? <hopeful>

I'm in a vile mood now, hoping I'm pre-menstrual or something (though fuck knows with PCOS...) as it's for no real reason. Well, aside from the last few weeks. I guess it's okay for things to still be bothering me.

I'm totally using escapism to get away from thinking too much at the moment, have read three books in the last ten days. Which I'm paying for with my M.E., and I am reading whilst DS is around, so not the most interactive parent right now, but better than throwing things at the wall I suppose wink.

And it was an awesome cooked breakfast. Totally debating going again when DS is next in playschool so I can enjoy my bacon in peace. NOM.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Jun-13 23:57:21

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm destroying relationships. AGAIN. And I'm paranoid as hell.

I better be pre-menstrual, totally not in the mood (ha!) for a relapse right now.

UnicornCentaur Thu 06-Jun-13 12:03:50

well I had the bpd chat with my new boyfriend and he said he wasnt sure he could cope and needed some headspace to think..... bugger

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 06-Jun-13 13:44:35

Sorry you are both feeling crap. sad

Hi thought I'd check in and introduce myself. I was diagnosed with bpd 4 years ago and changed meds frequently and feel I have tried just about everything. Thankfully I'm stable in life now (after homelessness , sofa surfing with DS (9) for two years, eating disorder and numerous suicide attempts, 15 week hospital stay and social services checks) I now have a home with DS and I'm happier then I have ever been.
I do dbt.
I am day 4 of no meds (respiridone and venalafaxine)
I've got cold sweats, brain zaps and fuzzy feeling. But more energy, thoughts feel 'real' like I can clearly think them without muted feeling.
How long does withdrawals last?

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Jun-13 18:30:40

Unicorn <<hugs>> Try and think of it like this... It's better to know. Hard to swallow, but better to know. It's shit when that happens thought, I understand entirely.

QueenF, how have you stopped them? Those are both meds you shouldn't ever stop cold turkey.

I'm going cold turkey , stopped them 4 days ago

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Jun-13 19:44:01

Honestly, I think you need to be really really careful. The side effects can be incredibly nasty, can last a while, and the jump back to 'non-medicated' can be huge.

My care coordinator is watching me closely through it so seeing how it goes.

DippyDoohDahDay Thu 06-Jun-13 21:43:56

Hi. Got diagnosis from psychiatrist today, unexpected. Felt very emotional reading all the symptoms as it made some way into explaining some of my behaviours and confusing responses. Marking place. Hi all smile

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Jun-13 21:45:19

Hope the side effects ease off soon, then Queen.

Welcome Dippy. It can be a strange balance of comforting and upsetting when you first get diagnosed. Know you're not alone.

I'm having a really bad night. Really bad.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 07-Jun-13 08:11:38

Are you ok sirboobalot?

Dippy I remember that feeling v well. Give yourself some time to get your head around it smile

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Jun-13 19:33:05

I'm okay now. Had a shit evening; got all ragey about things with Twat again, then got upset about it, blah blah blah. Drank too much, which is never a good idea (silly impulsive behaviors...) then had nightmares until 4am! Hoping for a better night tonight, ha!

How is everyone?

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 07-Jun-13 22:24:39

That sounds crappy, that shitbag really doesnt deserve your headspace sad

I'm ok... Still shattered because cunt face neighbour has been leaving the dogs again. His latest trick was even more pathetic though. He's at war with another of our neighbours and so decided to superglue the poor guys door lock so he couldn't get into his flat. Obviously him, but not enough proof to get him done for it. Last time they were at war he had paint thrown over his car and his lounge and bedroom windows smashed and bragged about it, but he's being a bit smarter this time. Just waiting for him to do something to us now, it's making me feel quite paranoid and anxious tbh.

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Jun-13 22:31:29

Jesus no wonder you're feeling anxious. Wish I could be of some help.

I know he doesn't deserve my headspace, but you know how it is. I'm dwelling, because I'm hurt, and I'm angry because he not only screwed me over, but he was involved in my son's life. And that makes me feel shitty. Thankfully DS hasn't mentioned him much, and when he has, it's not been in a "Where is <twat>?" way, but in a "We did that with <twat>.", which I acknowledge as I would with anyone else being mentioned.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 08-Jun-13 08:27:30

Are you anything like me, I tend to go over and over and over it all in my head trying to work out where they were wrong and where I was wrong? And trying to work out why every single little bit happened? Then I end up reliving the hurt and anger again and again. And I know it doesn't benefit me in any way, but i do it every time I have a problem with someone.

I can understand why you are so angry, but im glad your ds seems ok with it all.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Jun-13 09:47:22

YES. That's exactly what I'm doing. And every time I think about the times I worked for him, I'm wondering who he was fucking. Not productive.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 08-Jun-13 10:23:38

Ugh it sucks. I see friends with the ability to let things like that go and just can't understand it. I'm trying to teach myself that some people are just messed up and no matter what I do these things were going to happen.

About wondering who he was fucking and when, you have got to question whether it's going to benefit you in any way. You already know he was a cheating sack of crap, and thinking like that is just going to make it more and more painful. At the end of the day you trusted him and he abused that, but it doesn't mean that you should be looking for the exact times that trust was incorrect. He was in the wrong for what he did, you weren't wrong for trusting him if you see what I mean.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 08-Jun-13 10:34:52

My neighbour has just knocked again, he had the lock fixed and it's been done AGAIN, he is locked out of his flat again. Really starting to worry what cunt face neighbour is going to do to us. I'm starting to worry about going out incase we can't get back in, or what if it's worse than that? I really don't need this stress sad

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Jun-13 21:57:14

Jesus Heffa sad You really don't need this. Is there any way at all you can move? HB? He sounds horrible.

No, you're right, it won't achieve anything. Found out he won an award this week, I nearly text him to congratulate him, then decided fuck it.

Have had a good day, though had that annoying 'casually thinking about suicide' a lot thing going on. Blaming it on hormones.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 09-Jun-13 09:28:52

We could probably just about afford to move if we really scrimp, but we can't afford to move twice. The housing association will only be able to offer us a 1 bed until baby is here, then we would have to move again. It's just not possible. I'm just hoping that it all dies down now.

I do the casual thoughts of suicide too. Just keep an eye on them because when it starts making sense you need to challenge them. Well done for not texting him! It's so hard to break contact, but it's definitely for the best.

olivevoir58 Sun 09-Jun-13 09:38:36

Hope you don't mind me dropping by. I'm utterly convinced my 16 year old dd has this, she has pretty much all the text book symptoms. I adopted her from the care system at 7.5 years. She was emotionally, sexually and physically abused by birth family and had many moves in and out of care as a youngster. She has always had dramatic mood swings, under threat of permanent exclusion from school for fighting and pushes all her friends away after a few months (but picks up new ones ok). Having said all of this, she is also funny, affectionate and good company. She has been on concerta and risperidone for ADHD symptoms for the past 3 years. She sees a clinical psychologist at school and her behaviour at home and school have improved dramatically since being on the meds. However she has now finished school and is in the middle of her gcses and thinks are going downhill rapidly. She does not do endings (the exams don't seem to be stressing her unduly, it's the finishing of school she can't do). She has recently gone to stay with a friend for 3 days because she can't cope being at home, then when back tried to OD on antibiotics and ended up in a and e where a psychiatrist was considering hospitalisation, then last week drank all the alcohol in the house (she does not usually touch it) and ended up in a and e again. That time it was because her school psychologist told her she was leaving and she couldn't cope with more endings. I hate seeing her spiral out of control like this but my natural position is a sympathetic 'pull yourself together' approach and I don't think that's helping. On the other hand I don't want give her lots of positive attention for behaviour I do feel she has a degree of control over. Anyone got any advice for how I can help her through the next few weeks?

SirBoobAlot Sun 09-Jun-13 10:04:42

Olive that sounds so hard for you sad For what it's worth, I did similar at the end of school (wasn't that long ago, I've just turned 22), for the same reasons, I couldn't cope with endings. I'm not good with change, and certainly not good with such dramatic upheaval as ending school.

I'm sure you know that the majority of BPD sufferers are abusive survivors of some kind, so it wouldn't be too surprising if she was a Borderline, given the trauma she's been through. Have you been able to discuss this possibility with her psych at all? Feel rather angry that the psych didn't deal with her needs if she was just told that she was leaving, and a 'withdrawal' process wasn't put into place, as is normally recommended with Borderlines.

Does she have plans for over the summer / in September? Making some steps towards preparing for those could be good; clothes shopping, equipment, applying for a part time job?

There are a few books that I could recommend to you if that would be of help, one in particular has a great section on coping as a loved one. Would also gently ask if you're receiving any support yourself, as this must be so hard for you.

The 'safety' steps; making sure she has no access to things she could use to injure herself (sorry to be so blunt), lock all alcohol away, medication in somewhere she can't access. Make sure if she goes to stay at friend's again, they're aware of the situation, and do the same.

Speak to the school as it may be possible for her to gain 'special circumstances' for her grades.

Much love to you.x

olivevoir58 Sun 09-Jun-13 10:39:11

Thanks SirBoob (great name btw). She had already had a goodbye meeting with psych but when she OD SS asked the psych to see her again and hence the announcement that started the alcohol meltdown. It was the psych that thought she had caused it and when I asked dd, she agreed so I'm sure the psych has her suspicions but dd too young to diagnose I think.
I did wonder about asking for special circumstances for her exams but school are great and dd has a statement so I'm sure they have it in hand and actually the exams seem to be going quite well, she's reasonably prepared (I'm a teacher and have been chipping away at the revision with her for many months!) and is a B/C student so should get enough to stay on at school if she wanted which unfortunately she doesn't. She has applied for a few college courses but I'm very worried that she will either drop out or not turn up in the first place due to her anxiety about change. She also won't get on a bus by herself, she gets a cab, paid for through her statement, to school, so I've no idea how we are going to get her to college...but that's another headache for another day.

I would love to know what books you would recommend. I've just looked on amazon but didn't know where to start.

olivevoir58 Sun 09-Jun-13 10:45:52

Oh...there's now no alcohol left in the house and the meds are hidden. Trying to decide whether to hide the knives but dd would get stroppy when she discovered a lack of knives (knowing that i thought she might harm herself with them)which would probably cause another spiralling and she would do something I hadn't considered!

UnicornCentaur Sun 09-Jun-13 13:00:07

SirBoob I have PM'd you. I didn't realise you were 22 - im 23.

Heffa - your neighbour is a cunty bastard of the highest order and anyone would find your situation difficult, not even considering that you are pg and have BPD!

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 09-Jun-13 16:08:44

Olive - sorry to hear about your dd's struggle. I was showing classic bpd behaviour from the age of 14 but wasnt diagnosed until 21, they like to see if it's just a phase or if the problems continue. It sounds cheesy but the most you can do is offer her your unconditional love and support. And keep trying when you want to run for the hills and give up. It's so much more important to be that support than be the one to question what behaviour she can and can't control. In time she will work out what's right/wrong and healthy/damaging, we all have. Its terrifying having bpd and not understanding it, you have no idea why everyone else sees the world in a different way and why you feel everything so much more acutely than others. Every experience can be heartbreakingly painful, so the more you try to understand that, the more you can help her, which you so obviously want to do. I wish both myself and my family had known about BPD when I first became unwell, I think things could have gone so differently.

Unicorn - I'm 23 too by the way! And yes he is the sort of scumbag that takes scumbaggery to a whole new level. I refuse to be beaten though.

DippyDoohDahDay Sun 09-Jun-13 22:37:41

Hi again. Lost this thread somehow. Sorry some of you are going through such shit. I had a parade of crap for the last three years but lots of little encourages keep dropping in front of me now. Son just diagnosed with aspergers so more head space on him and less on my own diagnosis yet. Can I ask, how long or how many sessions did a psychiatrist spend wit h you to give a diagnosis or strong suggestion of a disorder?

SirBoobAlot Sun 09-Jun-13 23:07:00

BPD Demystified is by far the best book on BPD on the market, in my humble opinion. It's written by a psych, but he has personal involvement (sister), so his knowledge doesn't seem 'hollow', which sometimes puts me off. There is a fabulous 'carers' section in this one.

This was the first book I read on BPD. Parts of it are hard to swallow, but the way it is written is comforting at the same time.

This one I haven't read personally, but was mentioned a while ago, and it might be helpful for you.

I have the first two here, if you would like to borrow them before buying a copy yourself, then I'm happy to post them to you.

Dippy - welcome back smile Sorry to hear about DS's diagnosis, but hopefully it will become a helpful tool for you both. My diagnosis was under question for several years, but they tend not to like diagnosing under 18. Was down as 'suspected' from quite early on though, I think.

I'm really overwhelmed by the world today. Eugh.

floramckitchen Mon 10-Jun-13 20:09:39

hi all. my dd18 has recently been diagnosed with bpd following two short term admissions onto the mental health assessment unit. She was threatening suicide, was very depressed and her self harming was getting worse. This is a bloody difficult illness to live with and I am starting to get worn out with it all. Our family life is non existent and it feels like we are living in constant drama with no room for anything much apart from dd and her illness. Now its been diagnosed properly it seems to have got worse and she has given up her job, driving lessons although her social life is improving a tiny bit. Friends seem to be quite understanding but they're not living with it 24/7! I am hoping that I can learn to understand her behaviour a bit better by coming on here and talking to other sufferers - hope you don't mind!

She suffered from a lot of bullying at school, has low self esteem and has had some very dodgy boyfriends. One of her ex boyfriends raped her a couple of years ago and thats when the bpd started to creep in.

Any tips on the best and kindest way to look after her would be much appreciated.

Thanks for reading

SirBoobAlot Mon 10-Jun-13 20:54:51

Flora - I'd recommend starting with the books I linked to in my last post. Do try and remember that as hard as it is for you to live with, it's not something she can control right now. Is she getting any BPD-specific treatment?

I had a package arrive anonymously in the post this morning, freaked me out. Opened it and it was something relevant to Twat. So I went and asked him if it was from him, or if he'd given my address to someone. He said it was from him, he'd been given it for me the other day, so had stuck it in the post. Then made a big fuss saying he'd been worrying about it arriving in one piece. No you weren't dickhead, right now you want me to fawn over you and thank you for being so kind. So... I didn't even say thank you. Just clarified that he hadn't given my address to anyone. I then - through sheer habit - congratulated him on an award I knew he'd won this week. He thanked me, and then started to talk about it, as if nothing had happened. I closed down the conversation by only replying with "Oh right. Well. Goodbye.". Think I handled things quite well, considering.

Have been really down the last two days, not sure exactly what's going on with me. Am trying to be patient with myself though as there's a lot of crap that's going on right now, and I forget sometimes how overwhelmed I get by seemingly inconsequential things. Deep breaths.

floramckitchen Mon 10-Jun-13 21:04:46

SirBoob - thanks for replying. She is on 40mg of fluoxetine daily and having cbt and psychotherapy. Didn't know there was specific bpd treatment. How would we access it? Gp is sympathetic but pretty useless and the psych at the hospital was disinterested at best and keeps referring her back to cbt which I think is inappropriate at the moment and is causing lots of stressing out about getting right and not letting the therapist down!
Sorry you are down at the mo. Hopefully better times to come.

SirBoobAlot Mon 10-Jun-13 21:16:47

ADs are useful to BPD to keep the lows from getting too low, but the mood switches happen so swiftly that sometimes this is ineffective.

CBT is not the always the best course of action for Borderlines because of the methods involved, and, more importantly, the bits it misses out. CAT (cognitive analytic therapy), DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) and STEPPS (Systems Training for Emotional Predictability and Problems Solving) are the best bets, especially the latter two. STEPPS is a relatively new treatment here in the UK with fantastic results, DBT is much easier to get hold of.

Then there is self treatment. Awareness of illness is the biggest step in this, maybe starting with reading the first two books I've mentioned. It is hard going at first to recognise what you feel are 'flaws' within yourself, but actually at the age she is, she has the biggest chance of changing things if she starts to work on them now; the recovery rate for BPD is higher when the treatment starts younger.

Request a different psych - some of them are useless when it comes to PDs. Tell them you feel that CBT is currently inappropriate, and that she needs to access some different treatments. Encourage your DD to explore these herself.

There is also a website called 'BPD world' that she might find quite useful, as it has lots of information as well as a forum.

floramckitchen Mon 10-Jun-13 21:45:46

Thank you for all that info SirBoob you have given me some hope. None of the other treatments you mention have ever been mentioned to us by anyone at all. Maybe we will have to go private as the NHS doesn't seem to have much to offer us in terms of MH treatment. My dd had to fight to get to see a psychiatrist and then he was bloody useless. I will get hold of the books you suggest and have a look at bpd world.

Knowledge is power !

SirBoobAlot Mon 10-Jun-13 22:18:36

It might be worth contacting your local Mind to see if there are any PD specialists they would recommend in the area. Psych teams are sadly a mixed bunch, some of them are fabulous, and some are fucking terrible. MY current psych is awesome, but the one before him was useless!

All of those treatments are available on the NHS. Problem is that CBT is very much the modern version of prozac; hand it out to everyone, for everything. And whilst it does great things for some people, it's not a one size fix all solution.

Knowledge really is power. And the recovery rate from BPD is increasing. I'm 22, so not much older than your DD, and at 16 / 17 was about as ill as she is now; now a few years on, including doing the STEPPS program I mentioned, I am stable. Not 'recovered', but stable. I've been off medication for a long while now, nearly a year, apart from the odd valium, have been self harm free for over six months, and for the first time in my living memory, I'm not thinking about suicide on a daily basis. I still don't quite 'like' myself, but I'm starting to respect myself, and have developed acceptable standards for how I'm going to be treated. Know all of that might sound very 'normal', but for a Borderline, those are huge things.

I do believe that it is possible to recover, so don't loose hope smile

HeffalumpTheFlump Mon 10-Jun-13 23:20:17

Hey sirboob smile you should be so proud of how you handled the conversation with twat. It must have been really tempting to start up contact with him again. Sorry you have been feeling so down, what normally works to pick you back up again?

Flora - please try and remember that as difficult as you are finding coping with your dd, she is going through much much worse and needs your support. Especially what she's been through, you have no idea the damage that will have been done.

SirBoobAlot Mon 10-Jun-13 23:43:14

Yeah... I deliberately asked him to his face rather than texting him so that it didn't open up the communication again. Think that was the right thing to do.

Just need to ride this out, I think. It'll pass. Dunno if I can manage therapy tomorrow though confused

How are you doing, Heffa?

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 11-Jun-13 00:03:16

Okish. Pretty down today, felt pretty stuck, ended up sleeping lots of the day. I keep feeling really insecure and anxious, but I'm not sure how much of it is the pg hormones. Had a nice weekend though. Cuntface neighbour hasnt been home much, but the dogs haven't been too bad which is really good. Feeling a bit more safe at home again now.

I know what you mean about not being able to face therapy. It takes so much to go there and work things through, but I always make myself because although I will feel drained afterwards I usually feel a bit lighter. Sometimes it just makes me see that I am actually doing well even if I feel shitty.

Honestly you sound like you are doing everything the best/healthiest you possibly can, so be proud of yourself please smile

SirBoobAlot Tue 11-Jun-13 11:33:44

I cancelled my childcare for this afternoon, and now trying to sort it back out. Found of a woman from a chronic pain support group I'm part of online committed suicide because she couldn't cope with all the pain this morning, and it threw me. Thing is, I can completely understand why she did it. Goodness knows I've been there. Was upsetting. Didn't help that as I was walking to the bus stop from having dropped DS off at playschool, I saw a van pulled in a drive way from a company called "Cutting Edge". Exactly what I wanted to see this morning hmm

So I came to the logical conclusion, and did what anyone would do... Went and had a McDonald's breakfast. The calories should keep me going for a month... Then I got some orange juice from the shops, because I forget to eat (or punish myself by not letting myself eat sometimes) when I'm low. So at least that way I'm getting some vitamins.

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 11-Jun-13 13:47:28

I thought I was the only one who did the food punishment/control thing. It was actually one of the hardest parts of being newly pregnant for me. I couldnt do that anymore because not only is it completely unfair on the baby, I would pass out within a couple of hours anyway. Luckily my appetite is bonkers now I'm further along so it's much easier. Good thinking on the orange juice though smile

floramckitchen Tue 11-Jun-13 21:21:37

Thanks SirBoob - My daughter is always saying that she hates herself. If she is down and I ask her what is wrong she always says its because she hates herself inside and out and she is an ugly rat. She has been ill treated in the past by friends and boyfriends but always lets them get away with it just to keep them. Never really works though.

The best friend she has is a recovering alcoholic (I know it sounds bad !) that she met when she was in the mental health assessment unit. She is truly helping him stay off the bottle and he is gentle with her and listens to her problems. They are just friends so there's no pressure on dd to be his girlfriend. He seems able to help her when I can't.

She has been to the local Mind but it wasn't all that good and she won't go back now.

I am glad that you are stable and coping so well without meds . You are inspiring me and giving me food for thought.

Heffa - Thanks for your reply - I know she is going through a difficult time and its difficult for us as a family. I get worn out but I will never give up on her. I am always on her side and am slowly learning about the condition that she unfortunately is suffering from.

SirBoobAlot Tue 11-Jun-13 23:26:25

Nope, major food issues here too. <sigh> I swing from extremes with it, so barely eating, then binge eating. Thankfully I have managed not to purge for a long time, but the temptation is there a lot. This is more balanced than it used to be but still hard to control. I also genuinely forget to eat a lot, and then find it hard to get back into a routine of remembering to. Before I went on one of my medications, I could easily go for a few days without eating much. This has to be taken with food however, so I tend to have one meal a day now. Cried the first few nights I had to eat in a row hmm

Flora, it's not so much 'letting them get away with it'. It's a combination of both a fear of desertion, and also feeling like you don't deserve to be treated any better than that. Then of course when the shit friends and shit boyfriends inevitably leave (because they were shit), your self esteem is that bit lower because of everything they've done to you, and so the cycle starts again. Doesn't sound bad to have a friend who has a mental health condition; look what we're all doing here smile Don't block that friendship, as my parents were concerned at first about me forming such strong friendships with fellow sufferers. But there is a comfort in knowing that someone completely understands what you're going through. I'm still in touch with many of the friends I made when I was first in hospital. We can not talk for months, then if one of us needs some support, everyone rallies around. One of the wonderful things about being friends with fellow sufferers is that it feels okay to be struggling, and sometimes that is half the battle; feeling crap, then feeling crap about feeling crap! Taking half that issue away gives you permission to be ill, and that in itself is a huge release.

I managed therapy today. Think it was somewhat productive. One of the other Borderlines was having a rough time, and we were discussing her situation as a group. I helped her reach a conclusion that she'd hadn't thought of before, and it made me feel good to have been of use.

Then stayed to have dinner with my friend who was looking after DS. Did mean we didn't get home till 9.30 (oops...) but DS is so laid back, he didn't seem bothered.

Am struggling with paranoia and self blame right now. Eugh. And I'm really bloody fed up of being ill. Physically and mentally. <sulks>

floramckitchen Wed 12-Jun-13 21:19:39

SirB - The way you describe yourself , issues with food etc sound like you could be my dd talking. The difference is that you are very aware of the affects of bpd and are full of useful tips and info and you are helping me a lot.
I met some of the people my dd made friends with in hospital and they were all lovely people. The most understanding was the one with alcohol problems and I am glad they are friends. I started to feel like a patient too because I was often there for the whole of visiting time and even took my slippers in!

I hope your paranoia has improved today. Try and be kind to yourself - you seem like an amazing girl.

Can I ask your advice about how I should deal with my dd when she has harmed herself. Do I ignore it? or mention it? try to discuss it with her? I know I must never tell her to stop doing it or make her feel bad but it does upset me and I want to act (react) in the least damaging way possible.

Thanks for all your help.

SirBoobAlot Wed 12-Jun-13 22:48:11

Flora, it's a hard journey becoming aware of your illness. And then harder working out exactly how much it has reach it has over your life. It takes a fair amount of time. I'm still working on it. Because the thing is, BPD affects every single second, every single thought, and every single action. And until you know that, you can't control it. It;s hard work. Fucking hard work. But there is hope... I never thought I would say that I believed I could one day recover. Now I do. I might not ever be completely symptom free, but I do believe I will get to the point where I no longer match the diagnostic criteria.

RE self harm. Your best bet might be to discuss that with her personally, to see how she feels about it. Remind her to stay safe with it - I know that sounds bizarre, but good wound care etc - and tell her that if she would ever rather speak to you about it when she gets the urge to harm, you are there. With BPD, the mood swings tend to be sudden, violent, and short lasting. So very often you will self harm, badly, and then be 'fine' again half hour later. When you can get to the point of waiting the mood out and not acting on it, it's a huge thing. Giving her that option is important, without putting the pressure on her to do so.

I'm feeling a bit more level currently. DS had a massive melt down in town, though I kept calm, and managed to calm him down a short while afterwards.

HeffalumpTheFlump Wed 12-Jun-13 23:19:28

Well done for keeping calm sirboob. If I'm honest I'm terrified about how i will cope with this baby, so it's brilliant to hear about you and ds. I've been in psychotherapy for over a year now, and am definitely better than i have ever been but I know I still have times where I'm not right. I just don't want this little baby to be affected by it at all. I want to be the calm rational mummy, not the emotional wreck mummy.

I'm scared I won't be able to love her or that the expectations I put on myself will be so harsh it will ruin it all. I'm scared that I will either see myself as a good mum or a bad mum (more likely the latter), no grey areas.

This baby was a real surprise/shock and I would have liked to wait until I was out of therapy and back in work before ttc, but I'm really trying to make the best of it. I just want to be a good mum. What's it like being a mum and borderline if you don't mind me asking?

SirBoobAlot Wed 12-Jun-13 23:47:19

<hugs> Heffa. My psych wants said to me, "SirBoob, the fact you're sitting here crying saying to me that you want to be a good mum means that you are a good mum. Crap mum's don't care if they're good mums". That keeps me going sometimes.

I chose to parent in a way to prevent the damage as much as I can. I practiced natural term breastfeeding, I co-slept and I used a sling when possible (sadly not as much as I would have liked because of physical health). I also 'gentle parent', and encourage him to feel his emotions. Never tell him not to be angry or sad, preferring to comfort him for feeling that way, but not tell him it is wrong. Same as I shower him with praise, and tell him how clever / kind / friendly / caring he has been. I don't say 'no' to him unless needed, and when it is needed, I explain why. This means that sometimes my house is a mess grin but he has learnt to tidy up wink.

I made these choices based on my knowledge of child psychology, and also being painfully aware of the fact that my health will affect him to some degree; I have several physical conditions as well. I am parenting in the hope that I can minimise the impact. And I strongly believe I made the correct choice to parent in this way; my son is a bright, happy, lively, fun loving and empathetic little man.

I won't lie and say that parenting and being a borderline is easy; it's not. But then I don't think parenting is ever easy smile My life seems worth living now that someone needs me in it, and in a way I will be forever grateful to him for allowing me believe I have a reason for existing.

You're in a strong position because you are acknowledging the possible difficulties already, you're not burying your head in the sand. There will be hard moments. There will be moments where you look at this small crying thing, and wonder ''What the FUCK have I done?!". And again; that is parenting, that's not BPD! And parent who says they have never felt that way is lying wink The other side of it is that it is the most amazing thing you will ever do. Every little noise they make, every time they move, every wondrous little second, will change your life.

You will be fine. And we're all here to support you smile

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 13-Jun-13 08:34:02

Thank you that's really helpful. I hope you are getting something from this thread too, it seems like you are the counsellor on this one!!

I have been much more drawn towards the sort of parenting where you follow your instincts if you get me? I have avoided reading all the books, and ignored my mum when she has said things like 'the baby will try and manipulate you by crying'. I want to be as loving and nurturing towards the baby as possible, and i just want to be able to enjoy her, rather than panicking about all the small stuff.

I know it's going to be hard, so I have been working on my tolerance of negative emotions. I am slowly learning to sit with them, acknowledge them, but not let them crush me. I think that's the best way for me to prepare for the hard times.

Honestly I can't say enough how much I appreciate your advice. It's one thing to hear lots of mums say it's the best thing they have ever done etc but to hear someone with bpd say it makes me have hope it can be true for me too.

Are you anything like me about control? Due to things in my past I am now a complete control freak. Even being pregnant has been incredibly uncomfortable at times because I'm not in control of what's happening with my body. If you are like me in that respect, has it affected your ability to parent? I don't want to be that mum that doesn't let her child breathe or have any fun because they have to be controlling every tiny little thing. Its one of my worst flaws and I don't want to stop this baby from enjoying life.

SirBoobAlot Thu 13-Jun-13 09:15:47

Ignore ignore ignore your mother. Babies cannot 'manipulate' you FFS, crying is their only way to communicate. And instinctive parenting, responsive parenting, along with attachment parenting, reduces the risks of mental health issues in later life. Totally agree re books. Though I now hide Gina Ford ones in book shops wink

I struggle with control too. Honestly, I've learnt to accept that it's okay for things not to follow the plan all the time, and to go with the flow more. I read a fantastic article about ''why are you saying no?'' when DS was about a year old, and it really changed my approach to everything. I'm still in control of the overall scheme of things, but sometimes things work out differently; growth spurts or sleep regressions means that things go on hold for a few days, teething means that you have you change your plans slightly, working out where has the comfiest chairs to nurse in means that you might not get your favorite coffee when out and about. I also have tried to allow DS to control some of the situation as well. On days when I can, I ask him what he'd like to do. Some days he doesn't have a choice - but when he does, I ask him.

I'm actually a lot more relaxed as a person since becoming a parent smile It's given me a reason to control my symptoms, whereas before I didn't care if I ended up in A&E every week.

Well done with learning to sit out your emotional episodes, that's really hard to do!

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 13-Jun-13 14:20:49

Funnily enough it's being pregnant that has caused me to make real progress with tolerating emotions. When I found out I went into a complete spiral, panic attacks, complete meltdown and there was no getting away from it. I was taken off meds, couldnt drink to blot it out, so i had to face it. My psychotherapist upped my sessions, and we worked through it all. Its probably the hardest thing iv ever done, but I feel stronger for it. I really thought it would break me and it didn't.

Believe me, I completely ignored what my mum said. I also ignored her when she told me that babies dont need to be held/cuddled, they learn to like it apparently.

I have avoided the books because I'm well aware that my brain will decide that the way they say it all has to be done is the only way, and anything other than that is failure. I don't need that pressure.

I really hope that I can go with the flow like you say, I'm just going to have to take it one day at a time. Thanks again sirboob, I really wish I had a friend like you in rl.

floramckitchen Thu 13-Jun-13 19:12:55

SirBoob and Heffa - Hope you are both ok. Can't post much tonight as my mum is in hospital - heart problems!

But thanks for all your advice so far.

Flo

SirBoobAlot Thu 13-Jun-13 22:12:51

Heffa, I say this gently, but your mum sounds like an influence you could really do without. I don't know about you, but I've certainly realised that so much of my BPD comes down to things my parents did when I was younger. Which makes me even more sure not to repeat the same mistakes for DS. You sound like you're incredibly on the ball with knowing your illness smile And hey - if you ever fancy a trip to Brighton, you have a friend and a sofa here! smile

Flora, thinking of you, hope your mum is okay. x

I'm so emotionally drained today. Just completely exhausted.

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 13-Jun-13 22:43:52

Sirboob - bad day? Be nice to yourself! When I feel like that I go home, get in my pjs and wrap myself up in a blanket. It's really comforting.

About my mum, 95% of the time now she is nothing but a fantastic support and friend. However she was not always that way and has some very strange views on children. She was very cold during my childhood (she was v depressed for years) and seems to have the view that it is parent vs child in a battle for control. I don't want to be like that, so take any advice from her with a pinch of salt. Same as you though there is a lot from my childhood that contributed to my warped view of the world and different issues.

I'm really getting there with understanding how my mind works, and the more I understand, the more i seem to be able to deal with it all.

Thanks! I came to brighton on a girly weekend a couple of years ago and loved it!

Flora - sorry to hear about your mum. Hope she's ok.

SirBoobAlot Thu 13-Jun-13 23:01:39

I respect DS as an equal. Yes there are some times where I am in charge, but it doesn't have to be a battle for power. I watch some people parenting like that, and not only do I feel sorry for the child, but for them, as it must be so tiring to feel like you have to 'win' all the time.

Yes to dealing with things more when you understand them. It's hard work but worth it.

Yeah, bad day, not even sure why. Just hard work.

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 13-Jun-13 23:07:06

Ugh some days just are. I had one like that yesterday. It's dh's bday next weekend and my plan was to have a nice day shopping for his presents. I didn't leave the house until about 2pm because everything was such an effort, then went to two shops and gave up. Ended up coming home, putting on pjs and wrapping up in a blanket lol. I'll try again next week. Sorry its been a tough one sad

SirBoobAlot Thu 13-Jun-13 23:11:15

I do a lot of my shopping online for that exact reason. That, and because even though having my wheelchair saves me a lot of energy and pain, the extra thought process of having to maneuver around fuckwit people who see wheelchairs as inconveniences stresses me out!

HeffalumpTheFlump Thu 13-Jun-13 23:22:25

I think that when people act like that it gives you the unquestionable right to kick/hit/run them over. Then do it again just for good measure. Or simply take a taser out with you, that'll get em moving! What utter twunts. You don't need that!!

SirBoobAlot Thu 13-Jun-13 23:29:49

Hahaha that's a good plan.

I'm stressed. Feel overwhelmed by life in general today I think. WIll be able to write it off and start again in half hour, at least.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 00:06:52

I'm having one of those nights where you replay every bad thing you have ever done time again.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 01:41:33

And I can't fucking sleep. Know I've made progress over the last few years, but tonight it is too much.

I'm trying to work out whether I am reeling from everything that has gone wrong in the last weeks, or if having started on hormonal contraceptives for the first time in years is starting to have a negative effect. I really hope it's not the latter sad

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 09:51:59

Oh no sad so sorry I fell asleep, hope you managed to get some in the end too. The past is the past, I'm trying to learn to let go of all the cunty shitty things iv done and move forwards, but I know it's not easy.

Unfortunately no matter how much progress we make there will always be nights like that, you just can't let them swallow you. More than likely you are reeling from the last few weeks, you have been through hell sad but if it is the contraceptive, you can wait and see if things even out and if not you can always stop it.

Sending you hugs and really hoping you are feeling a bit more stable today.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 17:05:23

Sorry for ranting last night. I got about three hours sleep, I think.

I think it is everything from the last few weeks, I'm just being impatient with myself to get over it. Need to be kinder to myself.

How are you?

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 17:24:03

If you can't rant here where can you rant? Isn't that what mn is for? smile

Yes that is exactly what you need to do! It's been a tough few weeks, try to be as understanding as if it were a friend in your situation. You wouldn't expect them to bounce back so quickly would you?

I'm ok, bit of a tiff with DH because he felt the need to have a staring contest with cunt face neighbour. This will have pissed him off which is not a good thing.

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 17:39:39

Yeah saw your thread - are you okay?

Said to my friend earlier that I was upset, and she told me she wasn't surprised, that I'd just been massively fucked over, and I needed to be okay with struggling right now. It's set me back trusting people again, and I'm worried I'm going to screw things up with this new guy before they even really get off the ground.

That said, I still haven't self harmed or drunk excessively. I have just spent £15 on a box set, but that was birthday money, so I'm not spending too much right now either... Always the first impulsive behavior to kick back in when I;m slipping, I've noticed.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 17:44:24

Yea I'm ok, got in a real panic about it earlier, but calmed down now. DH sent me an appology over text for being an arse about it which is nice.

Your friend is spot on. Just give yourself some time smile

Ooh new guy? (nosy emoticon)

floramckitchen Fri 14-Jun-13 20:12:15

Hi SirBoob and Heffa - Mum is apparently ok to come home, she had all the tests and ECG etc etc and everything is fine. She was getting palpitations which I think developed into a panic attack so because of her history (2 heart attacks and a four week stay in ICU!) my dad thought it best to take her straight to a&e. What a relief!

SirB - I sometimes say to my dd that because she has bpd it doesn't mean that all her reactions and behaviour in difficult and negative situations is down to the bpd. Sometimes she is reacting in a totally understandable way to upsetting situations - its allowed!

I must admit my dd didn't seem to care too much about her poorly nan. She is always so wrapped up in her own dramas. It upsets me that she cant even show an interest although I know I have to make allowances because she is ill too. However, I'm not made of stone and and feel like I must not show my feelings at all. Its hard to keep it all inside.

Its a difficult job being a mum - I just want to take all the pain away and its painful for me when I realise I can't do that.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 20:22:10

Flora have you thought of finding a forum for mental health sufferers families? I wonder if you might find the support you need by talking to others in the same situation as you are? Obviously we understand bpd, but I just feel other family members of those with bpd/ mental health issues might be better to support you with dealing with your daughter as they will know just what you are going through?

Glad your mum is out of hospital and doing well.

floramckitchen Fri 14-Jun-13 20:35:26

Good idea Heffa ! I will give that a try and see what happens.

Thanks for your good wishes about my mum. Dad has bought her yet another handbag to make her feel better !

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 22:11:35

Could i just say one thing about your daughters reaction to your mum being poorly? I could be completely wrong here, but I wanted to give you a different possibility.

As I'm sure you are aware, people with borderline feel negative emotions as intensely painful and unbearable. I have a close relationship with my nan, but before I worked on my tolerance of negative emotions, I would disappear when she probably needed me the most. When she was ill I would not be able to cope with it, would find it so scary and upsetting that I would distance myself. It may have looked to others as though I didn't care, but I actually cared too much and it was too painful to cope with seeing her ill.

Your daughter could just be wrapped up in what's going on in her life, but it might not necessarily be so?

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 23:22:24

I was about to say the same as Heffa. Whenever I cared too much, my immediate reaction is to be blank. Utterly emotionless. And then three days down the line, I would explode to the point of wanting to die because we had run out of orange juice.

Just because she isn't sobbing hysterically doesn't mean she's not hurting; Borderlines tend to feel two emotions, extreme or numb.

And, with respect, if you are keeping your own feelings inside, that sends the message to her that she should too. Sometimes it's okay to cry in front of people, and as young people, you learn from example.

My friend came over tonight, we ordered take out and watched a film smile It was good. Tired now though, and have such a busy day tomorrow.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 23:49:04

That sounds like just what the dr ordered.

I'm having a good night too. I have started feeling the baby move from the outside! It's absolutely awesome :D

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 23:50:32

Aww that's so wonderful!! <broody>

I'm a breastfeeding peer supporter, love it when I see antenatal mums, and see their tummy moving!!

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 14-Jun-13 23:53:48

I was worried that my flabby tummy would stop me feeling her from the outside for ages, but apparently not :D Actually saw my belly move for the first time today too. I reckon she's had a growth spurt :D sometimes I really really love being pregnant smile

SirBoobAlot Fri 14-Jun-13 23:56:10

Aww... Okay so now I'm missing being pregnant!!!

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 15-Jun-13 00:01:24

Sorry!! Would you like to have any more babies in the future?

SirBoobAlot Sat 15-Jun-13 00:20:50

They don't think I will be able to. I have gyne problems... Only discovered when DS was two, actually, so as much as it was scary timing when I did fall pregnant (at 17), I am so glad it happened when it did now... Basically I have PCOS, suspected endo, and had a very large dermoid cyst removed from my left ovary, where the tube was also twisted very tightly. They don't know how much damage was done to the ovary, I came very close to loosing it. Cyst also ruptured during surgery. And that is actually the better of my two ovaries!

My pain levels are horrendous, my periods are erratic, and it's not known how my physical health conditions would cope even if I did manage to conceive. My health has deteriorated over the last few years, so I don't know if I would manage.

Seems sad that those have to be my first thoughts. Ideally yes, I'd love another baby at some point down the line. But I have come to accept that that probably will not happen. I'll wait 30 years and be the most amazing grandmother instead wink

HeffalumpTheFlump Sat 15-Jun-13 00:43:11

Just quickly before I go to bed. Really sorry I asked an insensitive question. I'm so glad you have ds and got the opportunity to be a mummy.

I have pcos too and at the scan to look for it the incredibly tactless sonographer told me it was really really bad and I would be lucky to ever conceive naturally. I pretty much came to terms with the fact it might never happen so can feel your pain to some extent.

I'm sorry your health has deteriorated so much, you seem to have an awful lot on your plate sad

Right bed for me before i fall over from exhaustion.

SirBoobAlot Sat 15-Jun-13 00:51:08

No it wasn't insensitive! I'm not upset or anything; really, it's fine. People ask all the time, I just don't see the point in giving a lie as my answer. Another flaw of BPD wink I forget when to lie socially sometimes...

What a shitty sonographer. FWIW they can't ever really tell how severe things are until they actually look inside - and they tend not to do that 'just' for PCOS. And hey, look, they were wrong smile They warned me to prepare for all possibilities at the last operation... I was convinced I would wake up with it all having been removed. Thankfully that wasn't the case. That time.

I do, I guess. BPD, M.E., PCOS, chronic migraine, then all the suspected ones; endo, fibro, hypermobility, PTSD... Ahhh what I'd give for a holiday from myself sometimes haha!!!

floramckitchen Sat 15-Jun-13 20:05:23

Its interesting - dd had a meltdown this morning because a dress that she wanted online had gone up £4 ! Now I realise that wasn't an over reaction but a delayed reaction !

We went out this afternoon to get shoes and stuff for a wedding we are going to soon. Mine are sensible navy blue courts and dd's are bright green suede platform wedges (think TOWIE)! They do look amazing though. Also bought dd a lovely dress which happened to have long sleeves so she is a happy girl at the mo. I can even hear her singing in her bedroom.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 00:03:05

Delayed reactions, and 'misplaced' reactions are very common. Often Borderlines themselves struggle to identify exactly why they're so angry that the shop has run out of orange peppers, or they can't find two matching socks. It takes a little while to understand how the process works mentally, but once you understand it, it makes life a lot easier.

I had a great night out at a concert, though am bloody knackered now.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 20:26:01

How are we all doing?

I've realised the last few weeks I've started closing myself off from everyone again, and am picking at everything that people are saying, to detect if they're lying to me or not. FFS. All the work I've done on myself to trust people more has been completely set back. I know it's not forever, and I'll manage it... But it sucks. So fragile right now, and am getting pissed off about it.

Thinking logically, I need to recognise the progress that I've made, in the last year especially. If this had happened two years ago, I would have ended up sectioned, and covered in stitches, possibly with the delights of drinking yet more charcoal (seriously, the memory of that taste - and vomiting it back up afterwards - is enough to put me off ever ODing again...), unable to cope with it all. So, whilst it all hurts like fuck, my life feels like a mess, I'm itching to do something stupid, I'm struggling trusting even those people closest to me, I'm having flashbacks... I'm still here. Still here. Still intact. Still out of hospital. Admittedly my house is a real mess, but I did do some cleaning today.

floramckitchen Sun 16-Jun-13 21:03:38

Oh SirB - I'm so sorry you are having a hard time today and you are right when you say you need to recognise your progress. Can you talk to anyone in RL? best friend or mum ? so that you can talk it out. But only if that would help of course.

You sound like you could do with a big hugx

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 21:33:14

Hey. Take one day at a time, please try and slow down and give yourself some time to feel crap. You are expecting so much from yourself when you are so right you have made incredible progress already.

You are doing so so well, it's not the end of the world if you distance yourself a little bit. You know the paranoia about those close to you lying is not rational and that gives you the upper hand.

Here if you want to talk, pm me if you need a 'safer space'.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 21:34:11

I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow.

Problem is, the two people I was closest to, the two people that I could speak honestly to about anything, are the people that have screwed me over. He said he loved me, she was one of my dearest friends. And as much as I am better with them gone, there is still a certain loneliness without either of them being present in my life any more.

My other best friend has been away in studying in another country for two years, though she is home now, and I'm seeing her tomorrow.

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 21:37:04

They let you down massively by being the cunts that they were but of course they have left a hole. It's ok to miss them. I'm glad your other friend is around tomorrow and you're seeing your cpn. What are you going to do to geth through tonight?

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 21:46:54

I'm watching the new BBC series "The White Queen". Enjoying it so far, though am going to start throwing things at the screen soon... Ooh, we're okay, Edward's just grown a spine!!!

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 21:54:50

Glad you're able to relax a little bit. Had a bit of a shitty day today myself. Had a rediculous melt down over washing. I have serious issues with washing, OCD sort of obsessiveness about it all being perfect. Today DH left one of those metal flippy lighter thingys in a pocket and it made the whole wash stink of lighter fluid. It was a tumble load and there wasn't enough time to wash it again and get it dried. I was fucking fuming about it. Screamed at him that he ruined it all.

Also I had a load of sheets ready to go away and no room left in my big clear boxes. This is unthinkable, as the cupboard makes things smell like old wood of they aren't boxed. And to me that makes it all dirty.

Cue major door slamming screaming meltdown. Couldn't calm down for about 2 hours. Even I can't work out why the washing is so fucking important, and why it makes me feel like that if it's not perfect.

I have serious issues over it and will have panic attacks if I think it's not going to dry right or I think there is a smell that is going to contaminate it. I seriously can't explain it.

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 22:01:29

You don't need to explain it to me, or to anyone here. That's the beauty of having friends who have mental health issues too.

I wish I could make it all easier for you, all I can say is try and think rationally where you can, accept it when you can't, and remember that right now you are going to be more emotionally anyway. Big hugs. xx

HeffalumpTheFlump Sun 16-Jun-13 22:08:10

Really wish I could make things a million times easier for you too. I know I don't have to explain but I wish I could understand it just a little bit! Then maybe I would have a hope of sorting it out.

Sending you all the unmumsnetty hugs in the world back. I'm going to bed, will check back in tomorrow xx

SirBoobAlot Sun 16-Jun-13 22:11:21

Yeah I understand. Get some sleep, hopefully things will feel better in the morning. Thinking of you smile

SirBoobAlot Mon 17-Jun-13 23:52:28

Not holding it together tonight. A few things have come to light, am sobbing in bed, and just really hating the world.

HeffalumpTheFlump Tue 18-Jun-13 01:11:29

Me either. DH is in hospital, had to have surgery. Sorry if I'm not on here for a while. :'(

Oh, sirboob, from what I've read there must be a non-contraceptive reason why you are on hormonal contraceptives but seriously, whenever I've taken the pill or the injection or the mini-pill, it's turned me into a frigging loon! So if possible, could you stop taking it, presuming it's the pill?
I know there is other stuff going on too.
My anxiety has been major major over the past couple of days but I went to my group spiritual healing thing today and I feel so much better.
I reckon it's the intense meditation as opposed to the healing but it does leave me feeling amazingly calm.

floramckitchen Wed 19-Jun-13 20:09:21

SirBoob - I hope you're ok. What's come to light? I am so sorry you are having a bad time . There isn't much I can do to help but hand hold on here.

You seem to be such a bright intelligent person with so much knowledge and helpful advice for all of us its a shame I can't return the favour in quite the same way.

Have things improved a little bit for you since Monday?

SirBoobAlot Thu 20-Jun-13 00:01:27

Well so far this week has been crap - the rest of it better improve!!! Spent last night in a&e after being in a ridiculous amount of pain following a routine vaginal examination. Got home at 3am - they did two more VEs whilst I was there, and I came home in more pain than I went in.

I'm going on strike wink

floramckitchen Thu 20-Jun-13 20:56:24

Oh SirB that sounds bloody horrible! How do you feel now? Why so much pain? Maybe some damage during the examination??

You really don't deserve all this shit ! I hope you are feeling better soon and don't you dare go on strike.

x

floramckitchen Thu 20-Jun-13 21:15:47

Oh joy ! Just seen a picture of dd on facebook having a tattoo today!

No wonder she's been quiet - a fine waste of ESA money that is!

I think I've finally run out of understanding .Had enough now

SirBoobAlot Thu 20-Jun-13 23:28:16

As much as it's hard Flora, you need to find more. Driving her away, even if you disagree with a choice such a tattoo, will simply confirm the insecurities she has, and encourage her fear of abandonment.

Ended up at the hospital again today. Started bleeding this afternoon, not due on my period for two weeks, and was in a lot of pain again. Went to GP as was told on Tuesday night to do so if I started to bleed, he began to examine me, saw how much pain I was in and sent me up to gynecology. Saw a gynecologist and a registrar, had a tans-vaginal ultrasound; I still have no answers sad have been referred for a full scan (as an OOH scan doesn't stay on record for some freaking reason) and then back to my gynecologist. The team are very nice, and they were really lovely, but I am so tired of dealing with health problems now. Seem to see a different department every week; psychiatry, gynecology, neurology... It's utterly exhausting.

floramckitchen Fri 21-Jun-13 13:50:16

You sound like you have been having a very rough time of it SirB! Gynae problems are exhausting on their own without everything else you have to cope with. Lets hope they have a diagnosis for you soon and can start fixing the problem .Are you resting as much as poss and eating ok ? Try and be kind to yourself. Maybe someone can watch your little boy for a couple of hours while you have a rest. Shame I can't pop round!

I have calmed down a bit after the tattoo incident. I spoke to dd on the phone (she is staying with her boyfriend for a couple of days)and I just said that she is over 18 and if a tattoo makes her happy and she likes it then that's ok. I didn't rant or rave. She just wanted reassurance that I still loved her I think. Course I bloody do.

I have a day off work today so I am about to go to Asda. Such a glamorous life I lead.

Take care

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 21-Jun-13 17:53:20

Hi sorry I havent posted in a while. I tried my best to look after DH at home but he was getting worse and worse. I went up to the doctors to beg them for more painkillers for him but they told me I had to get him there to be checked over.

I managed to get him there and he collapsed. The doctor then had a go at me for bringing him there and called an ambulance. He's now back in hospital and isn't going to be coming home for days. There's a chance he's going to need more surgery and I'm really scared :'(

I tried so hard to look after him and I feel like iv completely failed him. His body is so weak hes not recovering properly and the drugs they are giving him aren't working.

I can't cope with being in our home without him and I don't know how much longer i can keep going like this. Iv barely slept in 5 days and my body is exhausted. I'm so worried about the effect this is having on the baby, and I'm terrified of going into early labour because of it all. All I can see are the worst case scenarios and I am so tired i can't rein in my thoughts.

Sirboob I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The poking and prodding associated with gyne stuff is something I have always struggled to deal with. I really really hope you get some answers soon. With mine and dh's combined problems I feel like I have spent a stupid amount of time in medical/psychiatric appointments etc over the years. It's really hard to cope with sometimes.

HeffalumpTheFlump Fri 21-Jun-13 17:56:46

Hi sorry I havent posted in a while. I tried my best to look after DH at home but he was getting worse and worse. I went up to the doctors to beg them for more painkillers for him but they told me I had to get him there to be checked over.

I managed to get him there and he collapsed. The doctor then had a go at me for bringing him there and called an ambulance. He's now back in hospital and isn't going to be coming home for days. There's a chance he's going to need more surgery and I'm really scared :'(

I tried so hard to look after him and I feel like iv completely failed him. His body is so weak hes not recovering properly and the drugs they are giving him aren't working.

I can't cope with being in our home without him and I don't know how much longer i can keep going like this. Iv barely slept in 5 days and my body is exhausted. I'm so worried about the effect this is having on the baby, and I'm terrified of going into early labour because of it all. All I can see are the worst case scenarios and I am so tired i can't rein in my thoughts.

Sirboob I'm so sorry for what you are going through. The poking and prodding associated with gyne stuff is something I have always struggled to deal with. I really really hope you get some answers soon. With mine and dh's combined problems I feel like I have spent a stupid amount of time in medical/psychiatric appointments etc over the years. It's really hard to cope with sometimes.

SirBoobAlot Fri 28-Jun-13 23:43:52

Sorry for being absent. Couldn't access MN for a week for some reason confused

Have had a tough week.

Big hugs, Heffa, how is he now?

SirBoobAlot Thu 04-Jul-13 23:42:16

Fuck all this shit. It just keeps getting worse.

UnicornCentaur Sun 07-Jul-13 21:39:10

Hi SirBoob - hadn't seen this until now. How are you doing??

SirBoobAlot Sun 07-Jul-13 23:57:35

I've been better, to be honest. Trying to bounce back. Had a great, busy, weekend, made sure I had every moment filled. But the feelings are still creeping in.

Know it's been a really hard few weeks and it will take a long time to be okay... But yeah. It's hard.

SirBoobAlot Mon 08-Jul-13 23:13:00

And it's all going down hill again. I'm fucking everything up.

UnicornCentaur Tue 09-Jul-13 00:22:36

I am sure you aren't, you are trying to cope with something that is hard. You feel bad but you managed to keep busy - I know thats not easy when you feel like shit.

big hug

SirBoobAlot Tue 09-Jul-13 08:31:54

I went to speak to my ex yesterday. Why the hell did I think that was a good idea? I wanted to know why he'd cheated on me and lied to me... Of course he denied it all, and tried to spin everything round to me being a bad person. And he commented on the new guy I'm seeing, because ex's friend (my old friend... the one he was fucking...) had a thing for him. He told me I was terrible person, that he was disgusted with me for having done this to <friend>, that he had no respect for me, that <new guy> had lied his way into my bed, and that I was an idiot to believe him. And that (of course) he <ex> was the only one telling me the truth, <friend> and <new guy> were both lying to me, why couldn't I see that?

Then there were come comments about having ruined his birthday last year, to which I told him to grow the fuck up. It was his idea we went on holiday, and if you go on holiday with a (then) nearly three year old, you won't be able to just kick back the entire time! Twat.

It was a stupid thing to do. What made it even more stupid was I then told <new guy> about what was said, and he's understandably pissed off about it. He said he's not angry at me, but I shouldn't have told him. Am going to give him some space... I'm so worried he's going to end things before they've even really begun sad

The worst of it is that I still so desperately miss my ex and the friend. I know I'm better off without them, and that I can't trust them at all, but it still hurts, and I feel so very alone, having lost the two people I was closest to in my life.

UnicornCentaur Tue 09-Jul-13 17:52:57

I know what you mean. I spent 18 months trying to get answers off my ex-cunt. He didn't cheat but he was abusive. He went through turns of telling me that it hadn't happened and that my friends didn't like him and were pushing to say he'd done those things and telling me I was a terrible person. it took me a while but I eventually realized that he cant explain because he is a useless human being who doesn't know himself why he did it and isnt going to take the time to wonder.

For 18mo I went to see him and texted him and no one could convince me it was a waste of time. I knew myself rationally but I needed to keep asking. Cut yourself some slack, you will get there.

As for new guy, im sure he can cope with the.fact that you have a twatty ex - hasnt everyone?

SirBoobAlot Tue 09-Jul-13 20:06:14

Cheers, Unicorn, I'm glad it's not just me. I don't know why I need to him to tell me why. Partially because I need it not to be my fault, I suppose, partially because I don't really want to believe I wasted 18 months of my life with such a dick.

There feels like there's this big gaping hole in my life where they both were. And I'm certainly spiraling since all this kicked off. My impulse control is so poor currently.

That said... I'm still forcing it through with therapy, despite it feeling harder than normal. New guy is completely fine with me today, though I have had the concern at the back of my head that maybe I would be better backing away from him whilst I'm like this. Hmm.

And DS got home earlier from my parent's, ran in through the door, threw his arms around me and declared, "I'm so glad to have my mummy back!!!!". Which made the day worthwhile smile

UnicornCentaur Tue 09-Jul-13 20:42:46

Awww your DS sounds lovely! grin

New guy will learn to live with you, everyone has to learn to take the rough with the smooth and when your partner has BPD that is certainly true!

Everyone wastes their time on someone and has a hole afterward too. I will fill in of.its.own accord though with time. I do still think about ex-cunt very occasionally but it doesn't. have any of the emotion attached to it that it used to. I don't wish bad things o him because I don't care enough any more - it is quite nice!

SirBoobAlot Wed 10-Jul-13 00:22:48

Yeah he is... I'm slightly biased but he's lovely smile

New guy has handled things very well, to be fair. Have had a few mini meltdowns (mainly five minutes of sobbing... y'know. Those ones...) and he has been okay with them, has kind of started to understand that the high charged emotions pass after a short while. Totally get that it takes a little while to wrap your head around that... Sometimes i struggle with it too.

I get on well with a lot of my exes, even the ones I ended badly with. I have big issues with things being unresolved. Guess this is one of those things that will never be resolved, sadly... I'm glad ex-cunt isn't taking up any more emotional energy for you smile

How is everything going your end?

UnicornCentaur Wed 10-Jul-13 01:29:48

it has been shite recently with major depression. MH team were useless as usual so I just had to wait for it to pass. I'm not on any medication atm which I'm finding really hard but they have taken me off it to see what happens aand are planning on discharging me. Given how things are going I think they are being utter twats but there yoy go.

SirBoobAlot Wed 10-Jul-13 01:33:00

Can you fight them? That seems like a shocking way to treat you sad

<hugs and tea>

SirBoobAlot Fri 12-Jul-13 23:29:54

I'm having wine for dinner.

UnicornCentaur Sat 13-Jul-13 20:18:36

I am trying but I dont see them again until september. they are useless sad

was it good wine at least?

Illustrated Sun 14-Jul-13 10:43:13

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've not been around in a while lots of things have been going on. My dp left us last month, he told me he didn't love and respect me anymore. Now its just me and dd. I'm surprised how I feel like I've not really got any emotion about the whole thing. I think I had one bad day where I cried about it but I think I was just tired. I think I need to be on my own, I usually jump from one relationship to another, this is the first time I've been single for 10 years.

Sorry some of you are having a crappy time of it.

SirBoobAlot Sun 14-Jul-13 10:57:14

I'd request to see them again soon, Unicorn, that's crap.

Illustrated <hugs> Sorry you're going through this. Sounds like you;re better off without him though, and that you're thinking about it logically. x

I'm going off the rails slightly this week. Sigh.

SirBoobAlot Sun 18-Aug-13 21:23:38

Reviving the thread again smile

How are we all?

I mainly came on to recommend a book to you all. It's for children, and explains BPD really nicely. It's called "An Umbrella For Alex". It describes the extreme moods as 'stormy' for angry and 'cloudy' for depressed, and really is a very nice book. Have read it to DS a few times since it arrived, and he has asked some questions about Alex's mummy (who has lots of stormy and cloudy moods).

Hope you're all doing okay.

SaucyJack Mon 19-Aug-13 15:33:50

Can I join?

I'm generally ok these days after doing STEPPS and plenty of occupational therapy, but I still and always will have massive anger management problems.

Am currently pregnant as well, and laying about vomiting all day is not doing very much to improve my mood.

SirBoobAlot Mon 19-Aug-13 19:16:49

Hey Jack smile I've done STEPPS as well, am now doing Stairways.

Congratulations on the pregnancy! Hope the sickness eases off soon. How far along are you?

SaucyJack Mon 19-Aug-13 23:10:37

12 weeks..... time has never gone so slowly.

How are you finding Stairways? I chose not to do it because quite honestly I'd had enough by the end of STEPPS, and my self destructive behaviours had improved a hundred fold anyway.

Still mad on the inside tHO, but that's much easier to hide. I honestly don't think anything will cure BPD properly.

SaucyJack Mon 19-Aug-13 23:31:59

Also..... as you're doing STEPPS are your HCPs trying to re brand your BPD as Emotional Intensity Disorder (EID)?

Mine have, and I'm much happier with it as I suffer far more with mood swings/reactions to things than I do with the manipulative or 'fear of abandonment' behaviours that are popularly associated with BPD.

SirBoobAlot Wed 21-Aug-13 22:57:10

Sorry for slow reply, tough few days.

I'm really continuing to get a lot from Stairways. It's a lot more focused on moving forwards and dealing with the future. We've just finished assertiveness training (which was fabulous) and we're now looking at choices, and making positive ones.

Yes to EID. I have huge abandonment fear issues (though better since STEPPS), but prefer EID as feel it actually explains something. Borderline of what? And my personality is not disordered, I have a mental illness!

Hi all

Good to see that this thread is still up and running. I haven't been around in a while.

Having issues of my own right now. Have been in a relationship now for almost a year and I think I'm happy.

My problem is knowing the do's and don'ts, the rights and wrongs. My bf has been putting up with a lot but I don't know what to do to make it easier.

I want everything on my terms and I don't like him saying no to me when I ask him to do things - feels like massive rejection and abandonment, like my world could come crashing down.

It's a vicious circle because I wonder if it would be easier being single but then I wouldn't want to split up with him (again - I have finished it twice before when I was in a bad place).

SirBoobAlot Sat 24-Aug-13 21:05:07

How much does your BF know about BPD, frilly? Does he understand about your condition?

I'm horrendously low. Have got the crisis team involved again, and back on meds after nearly a year free of them sad

UnicornCentaur Fri 20-Sep-13 20:12:26

Hi everyone

I have an appt with my psych on Tues and I think I'm going to discharge myself from the CMHT. Partly because.they have been more PITA than usual recently but mostly because im 2 years down the line with them and absolutely nothing has changed.

I can see that I'm not cured, im possibly even worse than at the beginning but I honestly believe I can do a better job of looking after myself than they can. I'm not taking medication and the counsellor doesnt have time to see me, so seeing them boils down to an appt with a psychiatrist every 4-5months.

Last time I went 3 days after I got pissed, cut my arm open and had to go to A&E. I told her I wanted to die and needed them to change something. Nothing changed and a standard 'presented well kempt with no signs of self harm or self neglect' letter went to the GP

would anyone agree that discharging myself would be the best thing to do?

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