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Sick of the woman who assaulted me just wandering around whilst my fucking life is ruined.

(116 Posts)
SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Dec-12 23:48:35

I was verbally assaulted at 13. It triggered a serious mental health condition. I'm 21, it was eight years ago, and yet when I got on a bus yesterday and saw her on there, I flew off. I then had a massive panic attack at the bus stop, and sobbed hysterically on the phone to a friend all the way home.

I now feel trapped in my house. One of the reasons I moved was so that I was on a different bus route to her (I know where she lives, she wasn't a stranger). I already can't go to an area of town because I saw her there a few months ago.

I am so fucking sick of this. So sick of her. She ruined my fucking life, and yet she had no change to hers. She got a warning from the police at the time, but was still allowed to continue training as a TA - at my brothers school, FFS.

Hate is such a draining emotion, but God I hate her. I hate her and what she has done to me. My life is in tatters because of what she said to me. I'm self destructive, and I have cut the shit out of my arms for the first time in weeks, and I am so angry at myself.

I wish she would fucking disappear. I wish she would live one day with the mental state she has driven me to.

I don't want to die, but Jesus I don't want this life any more, and its not changing. I'm so tired of it. So so tired.

BlueyDragon Tue 04-Dec-12 23:53:25

Have you got someone who can be with you right now, physically or on the phone? You sound like you need someone there.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Have some un-MNey hugs. Hopefully someone who can offer some more practical help soon.

sad are your arms ok? Do you have dressings etc.

I am sorry this has triggered and upset you so much, have you been able to use some of the things you learned from your STEPPS course to help you?

Is there anything you can do in the immediate to stay safe and help you find some peace - reading, TV, painting your nails etc?

Do you have a CPN you can contact tomorrow?

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:03:15

I watched a good film tonight in an effort to distract myself, even laughed a bit, but as soon as I climbed into bed, she's there in my face again.

No one. DP is away at a funeral, my family are working. I can't call the samartians again, I'm already skint.

What use is my CPN going to be? I've been trying to work through this for eight fucking years and it never gets any easier.

She told me I was a worthless bitch and that I deserved all the shit life could throw at me, and she was right. My life is just one big fuck up.

I can't work out if I hate her or myself more.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:04:08

I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to sound so agressive about my CPN. Just that all she will do is talk over what happened. And that doesn't change it.

I just wanted to let you know I roughly understand how you are feeling.

I have to see a man often who did something to me at 15 that changed/ruined my life.

Do not hate yourself. You have no reason too!

goralka Wed 05-Dec-12 00:09:26

that's so horrible what a vile, vile woman, to say that to a child. Don't know what else to say...if I said, do not let this c* ruin your life it would probably sound a bit trite or dismissive of your feelings. Please do not hate yourself though...

goralka Wed 05-Dec-12 00:10:46

I was reading a great book the other day and it was talking about how you talk to yourself in your 'internal dialogue' - be nice to yourself as you would to a friend who was having difficulties.

Jenda Wed 05-Dec-12 00:12:24

Hello. I don't have any super advice for you but didn't want to read and fun. How awful for you. As someone asked above, are your arms ok?

Im so sorry this happened to you and Im so sorry you feel like this.

I've just been on say no to 0870 and typed in the Samaritans number. Have a look here and you can see what the local number is for your branch. That will be loads cheaper. Or if you have a landline it is only 1 ish pence a minute after 7pm. It might be a good idea to talk to them if they've helped before. Sometimes you need to get it all out and have a good cry and have someone listen.

Un mumsnetty hugs to you. Please look after yourself tonight

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:15:26

I know life isn't fair, and I shouldn't expect it to be. But she just gets to carry on as normal, whilst my life is shattered. I don't trust anyone, because I used to trust her. I hate myself and believe I should suffer, because of the things she said to me. And I feel i deserved it - because she wasn't punished.

The only reason I have for waking up tomorrow morning is my son. And what a mother he will have the joy of dealing with tomorrow. I am an utter mess. I was so depressed today I hid in my bedroom.

Tried to speak to my mum about this yesterday when she brought DS home, and all she said was "Well if you're that angry at her, why didn't you confront her?" as if its that fucking easy.

I so just want to go to sleep and wake up somewhere far away, being someone entirely different. I'm so weak and pathetic, but I can't take this any more.

SirBoob it isn't easy to say anything. I understand that.

You aren't weak and pathetic at all. If you want PM me. I'm 22 so many years your senior grin

I understand how you feel and my mum says similar to me about confronting or doing something when i see him. As much as I would love to kick his head in I just can't bring my self to even say anything.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 00:23:26

I'm really sorry you're feeling like this.
I don't believe you're worthless or a bitch, or that you deserve life to throw shit at you.
I have no experience of what you're going through, but I've just been on your other thread describing you as valiant.
You seem lovely and I;m looking forward to meeting you, I hope it will be soon.
Big hugs.

piprabbit Wed 05-Dec-12 00:24:34

Could your CPN help you come up with some strategies for coping if you come across her again - so that you feel more in control?

I'm so sorry that you are having to cope with, it sounds horrendous for you.

HollaAtMeSanta Wed 05-Dec-12 00:27:16

So sorry you are upset. Is there more to this, though? Seems a very extreme reaction to one incident of horrible things being said 8 years ago. Just because someone said horrid things doesn't make them true! Apologies if there is a back story. wine

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:27:47

Im sorry to be such a moany bitch, I just am laying here sobbing and needed to get some of it out before I screamed.

Fanjo I wish i could have shouted at her. I have had fantasies before of turning up at her door and doing horrible things, just to make the bitch feel some of the pain. But I can;t. Even after thinking those thoughts I have to scrub my hands because they feel contaminated.

I just want it all to stop now.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:33:55

Holla she was the mother of a girl I was friends with. We then fell out, the other girl took to bullying me. She told her mum I was bullying her.

One day when covering for a friends paper round, I was waiting outside a church for my mum to pick me up. She drove past. I heard the screech of wheels, and the car came back and ran up the curb in front of me. She got out, came and stood inches away from my face and proceeded to tell me what a horrible person I was.

I was thirteen. This was a woman I had previously trusted and respected, telling me I was a worthless bitch, and that I had any love for my family at all I would disappear.

What she did was the major trigger for my condition. My reaction may seem extreme to you, and trust me if I could control it, I would. But I can't.

The thoughts are not contaminated. If they are then my mind is so filthy the even dettol couldn't save it. I have the same thoughts. He's walking free without a care in the world and I'm paying for it.

livingfortoday Wed 05-Dec-12 00:38:33

i can relate to an extent about what has happened to you and feeling hatred towards someone.

sorry if stating obvious

1) you are still relatively young and still forming as an adult thus is not you forever.
2) every day you wake you have a choice and you control how you respond.

fwiw i was in a eight hole at your age i went in to bigger n better things. idf your current therapy isnt working see someone else, or change type.

it can be very hard to let go of hate.

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 00:40:44

Your reaction is totally in keeping with what happened to you. There is nothing abnormal about how you feel, you are a normal person to which something really horrible happened.

I'm not going to harp on about me, but I had a similar experience when I was 20, somebody I viewed as a parent-substitute completely turned on me and ripped my self-esteem to shreds. It triggered a breakdown (in my case I was probably going to have one anyway, lots of other old stuff). If I saw him now I would probably vomit. Thank god that can't happen as he lives abroad now.

I know it sounds trite, but I really do notice your posts and I think you come across as a genuinely lovely person with a fab sense of humour, you give good advice and I had no idea you were suffering so much sad

I am so sorry this is happening to you sad But it isn't your fault. Please don't call yourself pathetic or a bitch.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:42:23

I'm so sorry you can relate. sad

I have auditory hallucinations anyway, but its always her voice telling me to kill myself, and that everyone would thank me for it. Sometimes I can control it, or ignore it, but since seeing her a few months ago, and then again yesterday, i feel so horrifically out of control.

HollaAtMeSanta Wed 05-Dec-12 00:44:00

That does sound awful sad hope you feel better in the morning. Can we do anything else to help right now? e.g. post the horrible woman a box of poo a la Sharon Osborne

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 00:44:46

I think the voice thing is PTSD. I used to think he could hear my thoughts blush

I wish I had some decent advice. The only thing that worked for me was time. And cuddling my children a lot (poor exploited human wheat bags!)

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:46:49

My current therapy is actually very good. However, instead of ''managing the problem'' yesterday, I shrieked at the bus driver to open the doors and ran away as fast as my stick would let me. I can deal with the humiliation and looking like a twat, but feel like my nurse is going to react the same way as my mum.

I try so hard to control my condition, to work with it, and work on it too. And then something like this happens and reminds me that I will never be able to control it. It is so much stronher than me - she is so much stronger than me.

I'm never going to be free from this.

livingfortoday Wed 05-Dec-12 00:47:47

sirboob what support do you normally have when experiencing these symptoms? hav u got sum1 with you?

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:48:09

Really Green? I feel that way too. One of the other reasons I'm frightened to call the samaritans. i think she's listening to me, and will just be pleased to hear how much damage she's causing.

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 00:49:28

Yes you will be free of it. It just doesn't feel like it right now.

I doubt your CPN would react the way your mum did - your mum's reaction is a pretty common one I think, "well why didn't you just confront her"

but not common among people who have been through this shit, or worked with people who are seriously traumatised and not just a bit peeved. Your nurse might understand things a bit better than your mum.

livingfortoday Wed 05-Dec-12 00:50:05

that would be traumaticfir you

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 00:54:28

Im just so tired of it. So tired.

I can hear her laughing at me, and telling me to hurt myself.

I've found the number for the OOH mental health team but I'm frightened they will want to section me or something.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 00:54:52

It doesn't sound like strength to me, to shriek that sort of abuse at a 13 year old child.
It sounds like a very inadequate, weak, pathetic excuse for a human being.

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 00:56:41

Call them Boob. You need their help. It won't be as bad as you think, and you cannot go on like this. You can't put up with being in pain like this. If you had a broken leg you'd call an ambulance, wouldn't you?

The chances of you being sectioned are slim to none. It's bloody difficult to get someone sectioned.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 01:00:35

I am having to keep my lights on tonight, and have got my craft knife under my pillow in case she finds me. I know its ridiculous, but I can't rationalise, and I feel so unsafe now.

Why the fuck couldn't she have stuck to her normal bus route, ffs?

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 01:04:14

I used to hide behind the sofa with all the curtains drawn - there was zero rational chance of anything happening to me, but I was terrified. I remember psyching myself up to go to the loo.

I'm really feeling for you, it is a terrible place to be. And don't feel guilty or ashamed about the cutting. It's not a good thing to do, as you know, but it's a symptom. I really hope you can get some real life support as well as good old MN (it's saved my arse more than once)

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 01:07:44

I'm sorry that you felt that way. Thank you for making me feel a bit less crazy.

I've taken some valium, don't think I can cope with using the phone right now, but am going to put a DVD on so that the room is still bright, and try to get some sleep. DS is going to be up in six hours. Going to try and get him in for an extra day at playschool tomorrow. I am not functioning right now.

Sorry to be such a freak.

Greensleeves Wed 05-Dec-12 01:09:09

You're not crazy or a freak. I hope you get some good sleep x

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 01:13:55

Oh sweetheart, you're not a freak.
Hope that works out for tomorrow, good idea.
Sleep well I hope. xxx

Mumsnet has saved mine too, Greensleeves.

And come to think of it, I think you have a couple of times, SirBoob! Sorry you're having to deal with this - sounds very much like PTSD or complex PTSD - not that I am qualified to say over tinternet, of course.

My abuser from childhood has moved very VERY closeby to me - the first I knew of it was when I practically tripped over him at the supermarket! confused

I always used to feel safe here, now I am looking at every man that passes me and thinking 'is that him? is he around her somewhere? Has he spotted me?' sad

I struggling with a lot of the same shit you are honey, but I bet we'll find a way through it. It's just hard to visualise that right now.

BlueyDragon Wed 05-Dec-12 07:22:10

How are you this morning, SirBoob?

FivesAndNorks Wed 05-Dec-12 07:30:19

shock sirboob, what a pathetic excuse for a human she is. Im so sorry you're going through this. Can I just check, is your cpn supportive?
You are not a freak. You are ill and you are struggling. As most of us will be at some point during our lives. Her awful words and actions are actialy nothing to do with you as a person.

madasa Wed 05-Dec-12 07:55:19

Sirboob I don't know if it's still the case but I know the Samaritans used to phone people back if you asked them. I think they will also arrange for someone to call you at a particular time the next day or so......sometimes just knowing someone is going to call might help.

You can also e-mail them if you have access to e-mail. Not as instant as a call but sometimes might help to get everything down in writing and you can re read their reply which could help when you are feeling really bad.

I'm sorry you are going through this...it sounds horrendous

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 09:17:58

I had a dream that I shot myself last night, and was bitterly disappointed when I woke up. Hate feeling like this, and this low.

Failed miserably as a mother this morning, DS wanted scotch pancakes, so I just gave them to him. And then he wanted more. So he had six scotch pancakes for breakfast, because I could not deal with the battle of getting him to eat something else. He also spotted my arms when my jumper sleeve caught on the door handle, and now I feel twice as bad as I did. He asked me what happened and I said I had fallen over - at three he will accept that. But at six, when he goes into school talking about it? Feel disgusted with myself.

I got a friend to take him to playschool, because I just can't cope with parenting today. I managed to function on a vaguely human level for long enough to get him dressed and do his lunch, and now I just want to cry.

On days like this I wonder if all the people who told me that I shouldn't have continued the pregnancy, or should put the baby up for adoption, were right. He shouldn't be having to deal with me like this. I love him, but that isn't always enough, is it?

God, look at how many "I"'s are in that. I'm sorry (see, another one) to be such a self obsessed bitch. I can normally ride out my moods, knowing they will shift in a few hours, and this just isn't.

MadameOvary Wed 05-Dec-12 09:27:16

Oh Sweetheart, you need to vent, and you can do so here. I don't have anything useful to add that hasn't already been said, but so sorry you are going through this. That person who assaulted you was lowlife, pathetic, weak pond scum. You might not feel it right now but just posting here has shown how brave you are. Hope MN can help a little in getting you through this.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:33:40

SirBoob, she's not stronger than you - anyone who would do that to you is pathetic. You've survived this long, you have a family, you fight your fight every day, it's a tough one and you still do it. A setback is just that, you can and will come back from it.

You know I had no idea you were 21, your posts are often so witty and wise and I've always enjoyed your funny comments, I thought you were older. You've been through a lot. You're at a low ebb, but please don't give up - try to see yourself a few years from now, so much happier and more distanced from this horrible cow.

Sorry for not knowing but are you on any AD meds? If not I do think it's worth considering, or perhaps changing them if you are. From experience, the right ones can really get you through a bad patch and make things a lot easier.

Lastly re this person - what she did was foul, but I do think you're giving her more power in your mind than she actually has, IYSWIM. She's just a mean, miserable saddo who was hurtful to you and who is still kicking around like a bad penny. You're so much better. Sometimes, you can feel a certain way about a person and then one day - pouf! - the scales fall from your eyes and you see them for what they are, and they hold no power any more. I've had that happen, I hope it will for you too.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:35:39

Oh and btw, I don't generally consider myself a bad mother, and scotch pancakes would be considered a fine breakfast in this house. Don't beat yourself up about that.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 09:36:15

I'm 21 and currently frightened to leave my house. Brave isn't the word that comes to mind right now.

Thank you to all of you who have taken the time to respond to this self indulgent ridiculousness.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 09:40:17

I was on ADs until about six months ago. There's a lot of research showing that with my particular condition they aren't actually very useful, because the emotional storms (as they're called) happen so swiftly, and to extremes. Had been thinking about asking for mood stabilizers now that DS has weaned.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:40:59

You're brave because you're experiencing these extremely difficult feelings, facing them and reaching out to ask for support. That takes courage. Bravery that people who don't encounter feelings like that can't begin to imagine.

Hope you don't mind me posting you a bit of a poem that sums this up for me (by Gerard Manley Hopkins):

O the mind, mind has mountains; cliffs of fall
Frightful, sheer, no-man-fathomed. Hold them cheap
May who ne’er hung there.

BegoniaBigtoes Wed 05-Dec-12 09:45:01

Some ADs are prescribed for anxiety so that might be worth looking into, or mood stabilizers as you say. I think talking to someone medical about it might help, just to feel you're ding something practical. I don't think you'll be sectioned at all.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 10:31:46

Good morning SirBoob, so sorry you're still so low. A visit to your GP for some help sounds like a very good idea.
And scotch pancakes sounds like a fine breakfast to me.

ElectricSoftParade Wed 05-Dec-12 10:45:58

SirBoob God, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. What a vile woman.

I know you said you didn't feel like you could go out but what about a mini meet-up before Christmas. Just a quiet one? DH is working away most of December but I could get over to Brighton (would have to bring the DCs) and we could have a look at the Christmas lights and whatnot?

Or if you don't fancy that you are more than welcome to visit the wilds of near Eastbourne smile. On a direct train route from Bton. All quiet and peaceful (apart from DCs).

If you don't fancy any of that, PM me if you feel like it. Am thinking of you and Scotch pancakes are a lovely breakfast. ESP x

vintageviolets Wed 05-Dec-12 10:54:30

You can say 'I' as much as you want on here, because this is your thread. It is about you, and we are here for you.
What she said to you that day was vile. She was probably angry with her own daughter for being a bully and took it out on you.

You have done something with your life, you are raising a little boy that loves you, you sound like a wonderful person on here, i have often thought that.

Your photo of you and your son on your profile is absolutely beautiful, you should be really proud of what you have achieved.

X

SirBoob - scotch pancakes are fine for breakfast. Even 6 of them, they're only thin little pancakes, don't fret, he'll come to now harm, he's got plenty of energy for his day! You made his lunch and got dressed, you did what you had to do, I don't think that makes you pathetic or weak, or any of those things.

Maybe go back to GP as you sound like you are really suffering, honey, and you shouldn't have to suffer like this.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 11:23:19

Thanks everyone. I don't think I can get to the GP right now, and certainly not all the way to my psych. Weekly appointment with CPN is on Friday morning, and will get DP to take me (he is travelling back today) so that I don't have to worry about buses. Know if I ask him he will wait and take me home after if I'm too worked up to get the bus.

I'm trying to be practical. But haven't gone further than my kitchen. Doors are double locked and I am still hiding under the duvet.

I'm sorry to be such a drain. Thank you for all of your comments though, I appreciate them greatly, and am sorry so many of you can relate.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 11:45:34

You're not a drain. You don't need to apologise to us.
This is your thread, it's all about you, that's the whole point.

AlienRefluxLooksLikeSnow Wed 05-Dec-12 11:58:22

sirboob pleae don't ever think your DS would have been better off being adopted sad That's so so sad, bet he loves the absolute bones of you, and by the time he's 6 my dear, you will be in a different place, honestly!

You need to be absolutely honest with your CPN she won't react like your Mum, she's a professorial, you need some help, there's no shame in that, please take care of yourself,and don't worry that you're pathetic or weak, you're not, you're not well love, and that can be worked on.
When is your DP actually back?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 14:03:30

Very glad to hear that your DP will be back soon and that he'll be supportive on Friday.
I hope a good cuddle might help you feel a bit better.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 05-Dec-12 14:03:58

Very glad to hear that your DP will be back soon and that he'll be supportive on Friday.
I hope a good cuddle might help you feel a bit better.

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Wed 05-Dec-12 14:53:23

sirboobalot so sorry you are going through this. I know nothing about mental health but wanted to let you know how much your advice and support on the breast feeding forum has helped me. Often it was advise to other posters rather than me directly. You spend valuable time helping total strangers on an online forum. And you really do help, I am currently breast feeding DD in no small part thanks to the tips and advice on mumsnet from you and other experts.

I expect it doesn't help in the slightest to hear this as how you feel is obviously out of kilter with how you should feel. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon and get RL support.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 18:36:10

Thanks everyone for your kind words, as much as they are hard to read right now, I really appreciate the time you have taken.

I'm feeling a bit less desperate tonight, and more numb, which is a relief. DP is coming over later, and will tell him what happened - I didn't want to tell him via text because he would have felt guilty for being so far away.

Have kept myself safe today because of the breastfeeding group tomorrow. I'm the only peer supporter in our area currently, and don't want to let the mums down. Silly reasons to get me through, again, but they work.

DS had a good day at playschool and has come home talking all about Christmas. I need to get myself out of this place or it will ruin what should be a special time of year for him.

Tried to call my CPN earlier but then got too anxious, so decided not to. I feel a bit more in control because I made the choice not to, though, so its not purely a negative. If I feel a bit safer this evening (maybe with DP here) I will call the OOH mental health team - they have a support line with duty workers, but also pass on messages to the day team in the morning.

Thank you again, really don't think I could have got through yesterday without all of your support.x

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 06-Dec-12 00:18:27

So glad you're feeling a bit better.
It's not silly to be conscientious about commitments to other people, it's wonderful. They are very lucky to have you.
((hugs))

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 00:59:08

I wouldn't say that. Do know having the support in place can make a difference for a new mum between continuing to breastfeed and stopping when she didn't want to, and if I'm the only person available to do it, then I'll be there every week. I was told yesterday that there might be a new PS moving to the area early next year, able to take over one session a month, and I feel very protective over 'my' group now, its been just me for 18 months! blush

DP didn't make it over tonight. He had a long drive home from the funeral, said he was just going to rest for a bit then come over, and he obviously fell asleep. Got an apologetic text about half hour ago. Not like him, so he must be feeling rough. Could have really use a cuddle though.

I've pm'd you boob

BrittaPerry Thu 06-Dec-12 01:13:14

You know I have had my issues (AD from fb if you have lost track of usernames...) and I honestly think Lamotrigine turned my life around. I have a diagnosis of either borderline personality or bipolar depending on which hcp you talk to, and Lamotrigine is amazing for me, coukd be worth trying.

One way it has helped me is to be able to see the silly bitchy old women that were giving me shit as just that - I was buikding them up in my head somehow. Once I realised that, they became irrelevant to me.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Thu 06-Dec-12 11:25:54

Hope you get your cuddle today.
I'm away for the w/e and may not be able to get online.

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 14:39:38

Managed to get to my group. Freaked out a little bit getting on the bus coming home, but managed it. Glad I did as two mums came along today.

I'm supposed to go all the way into Brighton tomorrow for my CPN appointment, don't know how I will cope with that. The going there won't be so bad, but coming home will be tough. I guess if I see her again, I will either scream and run, or whack her in the shins with my stick... <trying to find a sense of humor again>

Checked my bank balance earlier and it is horrific. Don't actually know if I can afford my bills and rent this month. So hoping my DLA goes in soon, or I am screwed.

Greensleeves Thu 06-Dec-12 14:49:42

You are being incredibly brave, I am really impressed that you went to your group. You really ARE going to get through this and feel happy again.

Please post before and after the trip to Brighton so we can support you (and during, if you have a posh phone). I would take something with me like a book to read or a mindless game to play on my phone, so if anyone undesirable turned up I could just concentrate on something else and avoid accidental eye contact.

Remember that if anybody hassles you verbally or otherwise they are breaking the law and you can call the police. Remember that the chances of seeing her are negligible, and that you are not a little 13yo any more. The woman is a coward. You are NOT.

I know it's bloody impossible, but try not to let everything pile up and drown you, tackle one thing at a time. Nurture yourself through the challenge of the journey/CPN visit first - your finances can wait until afterwards.

thanks

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 17:54:59

I had to go; I've argued the toss for months despite the center manager appearing to have a vendetta against the group, and trying to close it down endless times. I couldn't not go after I've finally got her to stop fighting us.

I may well be posting from the waiting room. blush

Admit that I don't have much faith in the police, because she seemed to get a bit of a slap on the wrist when this all happened, and nothing else. I'm sure there was nothing else they could do, but it has always seemed so minimal considering the damage it has caused me. If she approached me, I would call the police though, regardless of the situation.

Had a nightmare last night where I was working in the shop I sometimes help out in, and she came in. That is one of my absolute worst fears. Because if I freaked out at work, if there were other customers in the shop, like there were in this nightmare... Tried to be proactive once I woke up about it, and thought about how I would actually handle it. Call security, then tell her to leave as calmly as possible. Ask the other customers to leave so I could collect myself if I needed to. Trying to take back some control over my panic, not sure how well I am doing though.

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 19:05:40

DP can't take me to my appointment tomorrow, am now freaking out again sad

So sick of this.

Greensleeves Thu 06-Dec-12 19:36:05

OK what other options do you have? Do you have a relative/friend who could step in and take you? Or could you arrange to have your appointment over the phone, or for a psychiatric nurse to do a home visit?

You're doing so well, you must be exhausted with having nightmares as well as the day-to-day stress. I think you were right to think through what you would actually do if the woman turned up - having a plan definitely takes the sting out of it.

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 19:48:08

Options right now are working out how I can kill myself without DS having to find my body, tbh. I'm wondering if its cold enough to go and lay down outside. If we don't turn up to playschool tomorrow, mum will call. If I don't answer, she will come round. I can stick a note to the front door with a spare key. DS wouldn't be too distressed if I wasn't here in the morning, he would just help himself to things in the cupboard.

Just don't want to upset him by finding me.

FivesGoldNorks Thu 06-Dec-12 19:50:41

Boob please please get rl help. It is not fair you're suffering like this and its not right

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 19:53:56

I'm sorry. I shouldn't say things like that, you guys don't need my crap. I'm sorry.

tasmaniandevilchaser Thu 06-Dec-12 20:02:39

No need to be sorry, you're in a lot of pain right now, can someone in RL come over and be with you? Or is there someone you can call?

FivesGoldNorks Thu 06-Dec-12 20:09:30

People who don't need Tje Crap won't post, if we're here we want to be.

That said you do need rl support.

Greensleeves Thu 06-Dec-12 20:46:31

We are more than accepting of your crap, that is what we are here for! If I hadn't had MN as a place to decant my crap and get support and a hand to hold, God knows what would have happened to me.

You do deserve to be treated kindly you know. I kow you don't feel worth it right now, but you are wrong. Depressive thinking is a bitch.

What about arranging to do the appointment over the phone? I'd be surprised if your CPN had never come across someone who found it too difficult to make a journey alone when they were going through a bad time.

Do NOT decide that we "don't need your crap" and stop posting. Or else grin

Greensleeves Thu 06-Dec-12 20:48:30

Also if you are at breaking point you can just call a cab and go to A&E, there will be a duty psych who can see you. I know that's drastic, but it's there if you need it.

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 21:23:48

DP has just been over for a bit. He couldn't stay as he has a ridiculously early meeting tomorrow but was I told him what had happened and how low I was feeling. He can (unfortunately) relate to what is going on. I cried a bit, and he gave me hug and promised me that it will be okay even if it doesn't feel like it tonight. Saw my arms but just asked if they were alright, didn't make a fuss, so I don't feel like I've let him down.

Feel drained now, which is better than desperate, I guess.

Will focus on getting DS to playschool in the morning, and then go from there.

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Thu 06-Dec-12 21:30:30

Hey SirBoobalot. You're pulling it together really well. Please hang in there love.

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 22:59:23

Thank you everyone, really don't know what I would do without you guys at the moment. Have borrowed a friends Wii whilst she's away, and have just done half hour on the Wii Fit, which made me giggle a little. Though I only burned 150 calories. Fuck that! I did the jogging sitting down, moving my arm, and drinking wine. Does that classify as cheating?

Thanks everyone. Sorry for being such a dick recently/.

150 cals is good going! I love wii fit. Have you tried the yoga and the zazen meditation - chillax to the max! Or summat... confused smile

Btw you are not a dick!

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 23:43:20

I can manage the yoga on days when my pain isn't too bad. I did lots of the balance exercises tonight, the penguin one is so funny, I couldn't help but laugh.

It might be handy for distraction when I'm on lows.

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 00:45:19

She's still working at the same school. I think they must still be in the same house. I kind of need to know. Do have her daughters email address - ironically, we actually made up in the last year of school, though we were never the best of friends again. She sent me a message on facebook last year asking how I was etc. I never told her the damage her mother did.

Greensleeves Fri 07-Dec-12 00:54:06

It so isn't cheating grin drinking while exercising is a sign of intelligence!

I wouldn't use that email address. You're very vulnerable right now and you could end up feeling worse if you poke that hornets' nest. Even if the daughter is reasonable, we know her mother is a nasty piece of work. I think you should concentrate on caring for yourself and doing things that make you happy <bossy>

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Fri 07-Dec-12 03:02:39

I second greensleeves.i can understand it's tempting to know what's going on but it's like scratching an itch, don't do it.

Nothing like you have been through but i was bullied at school. I just stepped away and never looked back when we left. Ok, total lie that, i have googled and facebook snooped but would never in a million years make contact. My aim is to get to a stage where they mean as much to me as i do to them, which is absolutely fuck all. In the meantime (er, 20 odd years!) i will at least act as though that's the case and let the world see me as over it.

Sounds like you've been doing a prettygood job of the same, so don't slip up now.

If you have wii bowling it's brilliant. The only way i can ever hope to get a strike is the virtual world of wii!

And yes, wine in one had nunchuck in the other counts as exercise! Glass to mouth two, three, four.....

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 08:34:03

I don't even know what I would say. Don't worry boss I'm not intending to use it right now.

DS has to be in playschool in 45mins. I'm still in bed, we're both still in pjs. I really don't know if I can face leaving the house.

helpyourself Fri 07-Dec-12 08:46:58

Have a brew and get going, take it easy. Tiny steps:
Put the kettle on.
Get you and DS dressed. (leave bath/ shower/ make up until later)
Have tea and give him toast or cereal.
Get out the door.

FivesGoldNorks Fri 07-Dec-12 09:12:27

" I did the jogging sitting down, moving my arm, and drinking wine"

Yes I'm afraid that does count as cheating grin but a lot more sensible imo than exercising.
Hope you can get up and out. What can you do after that to relax?
I didn't realise this woman works in a school (or is it her daughter?). Really hope it's the daughter

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 13:25:58

Thanks lovelies. I made it to the appointment, yey. Borrowed some money from my mum and got a taxi there and was a bit of a state. But the appointment itself went okay, and on my way out saw a friend from group therapy, who works in another part of the site. Told her what had happened and that I wanted to get on the bus but was nervous about it. Bless her, she walked to the bus stop with me and waited until I'd got on. Managed to change buses in town and get all the way home too.

Five - nope, its her that works in the school. It was decided she didn't pose a risk to any of the other children. Just me, then hmm They said she wasn't allowed in the same classroom as my brother (who was then 7) for the rest of his time at the school, but aside from that, she just... Got away with it.

Have decided I will call the school to ask if they will be going on trips to any of the places I normally take DS in the next few weeks, as I don't want him to miss out on Christmas stuff, but don't think I can handle seeing her again. Not sure whether they will tell me or not, but feel like I have to know if they will be going, or I either won't be able to take DS at all, or he won't enjoy it because I will spend the entire time looking over my shoulder. They're bound to think I'm a crazy person. Feel like I need to try though.

helpyourself Fri 07-Dec-12 17:41:44

SirBoob I'm going to make a really frightening suggestion. I'm going to waffle a bit first so it doesn't jump out at you. If you want you can stop reading now and pm me to get it deleted or report it yourself. Talk to your therapist and have the whole situation moderated- have someone talk to her first and support you, but you need to sit down with her and tell her the effect she's had on your life. I'm sure she'll be devestated and there might even be a reason for her actions which gives you peace- can't think what it would be, but you never know. Even if she's a remorseless cow, but you have someone with you trust with whom you could discuss the meeting with it would help. Even I'd your therapist thinks its a dreadful idea, talking it through might help.

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 20:07:05

It was suggested before that I write her a letter, but I have a few reasons for not to.

Firstly, because no words would be able to communicate how much she's screwed my life up.

Secondly because a friend of mine actually did have a meeting with the person that assaulted her, sexually; he couldn't even remember who she was. And although this woman would remember who I was because we had a past, the idea of what she did being dismissed by her own recollections is really painful.

And mainly, because I don't want to hear how she feels about it. She would either be completely remorseful (which is what I suspect) and glad that she had such an effect on me, or would apologise, which I wouldn't be able to believe to be sincere.

I can see why it could be a good idea in theory, but I don't think it would work. At least not right now.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 07-Dec-12 20:21:54

hey sirboobalot

im so sorry that you are having such a difficult time, and all the while, you have been on my thread, talking to me, supporting me, pm ing me - thats the person you are - you are an amazing, compassionate, worthwhile, wonderful person, it pains me to read how negatively you feel about yourself.

i truly hope the horrible feelings are subsiding for you a bit. well done on getting out and getting to the breastfeeding group.

you are a sweetheart and you certainly do not deserve to feel like this. x

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 22:24:15

Vicar you're a love. x I hope today has been better for you.

Feel very odd tonight. I don't know whether its the lull after the crazy emotional storm. Know its still a reasonably dangerous place for me to be so trying to be careful.

Managed to eat something properly tonight.

Chanatan Fri 07-Dec-12 22:32:55

SirBoobAlot.I nearly came on earlier to suggest the letter writing thing,I did it in relation to the physical and emotional abuse I received from my mother,I never sent the letter,just wrote everything I wanted to say,for me it was carthartic ,helped me come to terms with the situation.

Greensleeves Fri 07-Dec-12 22:41:03

Chanaton I wrote that letter to my mother and sent it. I got the expected scornful one-liner in return, but I still felt better knowing I had said my piece. Actually it felt a lot like bagging up all the old shit she had dumped on me over the years and dumping it on HER doorstep - it was HER shit, not mine to carry. Surprisingly it didn't make much difference to me whether she chose to pick it up and take it inside or just leave it rotting on her doorstep. It wasn't on my back any more.

SirBoob, I don't think the letter is a terrible idea (not sure about the face-to-face, haven't tried that and not sure I would have the balls) as long as you have plenty of support, take things at your own pace and have realistic expectations for what you may and may not get out of it. It's worth thinking about IMO.

I am SO chuffed for you that you kept that appointment today. You're amazing! thanks

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 23:45:52

Interesting to hear that you both found it so helpful, both sending it and getting a negative response (though I am sorry for that, Green) and just writing it.

Thing is I don't even know what I'd want to say. I don't know whether I'd want her to know (whether she would actually be reading it or not) just how much she has damaged my mental health. I don't know if I want to let her have that triumph.

However, it is food for thought. Thank you, both.

Just got off the phone with my mum. She is changing some of the hours at one of her jobs so she can help me more from January. I feel horribly guilty. Thing is most people think I am doing okay and holding it together... Until they come to my house. And that is sometimes the only give away of how depressed I get. That along with the physical difficulties I have doing the housework means its always a bit of a bomb site. I feel so bad hearing her say that if she drops that hours on this certain day, then she'll be able to help me out practically and take DS when I'm having a tough emotional day. She's been talking about changing her hours for a little while now, so know its not just because of me, but feel a little guilty that they've had to consider that because I'm not coping right now.

There are a lot of issues with my parents that I'm trying to work through, but I don't really have anyone else to lean on, and its certainly better for DS to be with his Nanny running around having fun on a day I mentally or physically can't get out of bed.

I found my one to one session today vaguely frustrating, as she just kept telling me that it wasn't logically what I was saying. Yes, I'm well aware of that, thanks. That's why I'm struggling with it so much!! Good thing that did come out of it is that we talked about the person in the group sessions who is causing issues, and that the facilitators are all aware of how this other persons attitude affects everyone elses experience. So that felt positive.

Long rambly post, sorry!

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 01:10:12

I can't sleep now because of the letter suggestion. I'm posting on random threads on here but my brain keeps coming back to it.

What would I say? Would I want her to know the damage she has caused? Or would she get a kick of out that?

I did write half a letter on the ''anniversary'' (for lack of a better term) this year. I ended up throwing it away because nothing seemed to come out right.

Is telling someone that they screwed with your head a positive thing to do if you follow it up with ''and now I am letting go of it''? Will it achieve anything...

I feel like I need to do something about it, I can't carry on like this.

(Three out of five of those paragraphs started with 'I', how self obsessed can you get?! Sorry.)

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 01:39:40

You still awake missus?

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 01:40:49

Yes. Stupid brain.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 01:44:48

Just reading your thread, first time I've seen it. Sounds like things are really difficult for you just now.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 01:54:10

I'm really frustrated with myself tonight, because I don't want to be feeling this way.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 02:00:30

I know you don't. You need some help to be able to change how you are feeling.

What do you want your future to be like? What do you want to do/be in the future? Sometimes that goal/aim can help when you are struggling.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 02:02:21

That's where it gets tricky, because of my physical health.

I know for certain I want to be free of all this bollocks going on in my head. I want to be happy, or at least not be looking over my shoulder everywhere I go.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 02:12:18

I cope with shit stuff by tryng to turn it in to something I can DO. Probably too much. I fling myself in to doing stuff to be positive. I have to have some sort of positive catalyst from everything. I don't know if the idea of in the future when you feel in a better place that you can help others as you will have the greater level of understanding is any help? Some people do find that something to hold on to.

Make sure you are acessing all the help you are entitled to - and seek more if you need it. You said you have no £ to call samaritans - you can email if you like too, know it is not the same but better than nothing.

giraffesCantFlyLikeReindeer Sat 08-Dec-12 02:14:28

Try not to feel guilty about your Mum - she wants to help. You are her baby. Take her help and use it the best way you can, that is the best way you can "repay" her. smile

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 09:49:45

Giraffe its really wonderful you can manage to do that. Hope I can do too... Though maybe it will be further down the line. I can see the 'positives' from my physical illness, as now with all my gyne problems, my chances of conceiving are low, so if I hadn't have had DS when I did, I would now be 21 considering a future without children. And I wouldn't have had him if I had been well, because I would have been off studying.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Sun 09-Dec-12 02:10:12

Hi Boobster, have hijacked a laptop, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you all through our marathon drive yesterday down here to Portugal.
Glad to see you're seeming more positive and your posts are funny.
Listen to giraffes, she is one very wise lady.
When you think about your mum helping you, imagine how you would feel helping your child.It's a no brainer. No guilt necessary.

rhondajean Sun 09-Dec-12 02:14:07

I'm just reading this too boobs.

You know you are strong. We've talked before and you've amazed me with your strength.

Swings and roundabouts love. It will get better. Focus on the positives. We believe in you x

SirBoobAlot Sun 09-Dec-12 10:19:55

What would I do without you lovely people? smile x

Struggling with intrusive thoughts today, but trying to get past them. Taking DS out to his first panto as a friend of ours had some spare tickets. Feeling a bit anxious because of the whole sitting in a dark room with loads of strangers thing, but <weirdo> I checked the school website and they're not doing a panto visit this year, so I can relax slightly.

BBB hope you're having a lovely - warm envy - time!

SirBoobAlot Mon 10-Dec-12 20:25:23

So. Therapy was tough today, but I shared what had happened. Everyone else said they would have run away as well, so I don't feel silly about that any more. (Mum's comment of confronting her has been bugging me.)

DP took me home after he had finished work, and I asked him to take a detour. I went back to where it happened, and talked him through it all. Then drove past her hours before heading back.

I needed to humanize things again, to remind myself I am now 21, not 13, and that everything that happened is in the past. As DP (and some of you lovely people) pointed out, she is a bully, and a coward; what she did was opportunistic, and because I was a child. She wouldn't dream of doing that now because I am now also an adult, and she wouldn't have an upper hand, which is what people like her need.

It was something I needed to do, but didn't want to do by myself, so am glad I had DP to hold my hand. Feel drained now but calmer than I have done in a week.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 10-Dec-12 23:06:25

well done boobs - that sounds brilliant progress. you are rationalising it all and working through your panic, and that takes an enormous amount of self awareness and courage.

you did great to do that. smile

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Mon 10-Dec-12 23:33:41

Thanks Vicar. It was a spur of the moment thing, just suddenly said to DP "Can we take a detour?". Before that we had sat down and come up with an action plan for what I would do if I saw her again in the three most likely scenarios (in town / on the bus / if she came into the shop) so I feel a bit more in control, and by making the location normal again, I'm aiming to make her nothing more than a person.

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 12-Dec-12 09:59:28

This all sounds excellent boobster, quite significant steps in the right direction.
It will start to dawn on you that this woman is nothing. She abused a vulnerable child, but you are no longer that child, you are a lovely, vibrant woman and you will eventually see her as irrelevant.
Bloody well done.
Back here shivering now sad

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Wed 12-Dec-12 11:38:45

Thanks BBB, that's the hope.

Knife out from under the pillow, though still having to keep a light on to sleep. Strange how even as an adult the dark can seem scary!

Covering my friends shop tomorrow, and feeling mildly anxious about it. Trying to remember that I have been doing it for a year, and haven't seen her once. So it will be fine.

Hope you have a cup of tea and some thermal socks nearby!!

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Wed 19-Dec-12 00:45:07

Not sure if you'll see this love. Manic week here but in a nice way, mostly, hope you're feeling stronger and more confident as your last post indicated.
Doesn't really matter about keeping the light on does it? Shame that you feel scared in the dark, but if it makes you feel better with it on it's no big deal really.
Whatever gets you through the night, an' all that.
You're in my thoughts, hope we can meet in the new year.

SantaFlashesHisBoobsALot Thu 20-Dec-12 22:07:01

Thank you love. x

Still struggling, and getting anxious every time I am in town, but coping. Have started taking my ADs again, in a hope of getting things somewhat level. I don't feel 'real' at the moment, out of body, would rather like to hide away. Dreading Christmas.

How are you?

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered Fri 21-Dec-12 01:35:44

Oh, sweet of you to ask, a bit frantic, just time of year and loads going on with my kids. They're all in their 20s and it's mostly good, just a bit dramatic, and involving me too much!
Very sorry to hear you're still struggling, hope the ADs will help. How's it going at the shop?
What particular problem is Christmas? Is DP around?

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