Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

should i go back to gp?

(953 Posts)
DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 00:37:30

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

LastMangoInParis Sat 01-Dec-12 00:45:12

You're exhausted.
It's probably not possible to know whether or not you're depressed until you get the chance for some porpoer rest and some time out from stress.
Is there any way you can do that before trying ADs again?
I think this Gp was right to try and get you to take time off work.
You sound like you really REALLY need some time to rest, eat properly, sleep, get some gentle exercise - basic things that we all need and get ill if we don't have. It sounds like circumstances are depriving you of these things and you really need them badly.

DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 00:45:32

lord above if you got through that mire of self pity good on you....

im getting worse as it gets to xmas. im working xmas day, boxing day, in fact im working from 25th through until 30th dec.....i think thats making me worse right now.
DD isnt missing an opportunity to make me feel guilty about that. maybe i will feel better after xmas.

DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 00:49:10

mango thank you for the reply.
ive had a couple of weeks off now due to the physical health issues - (had 2 nasty chest infections in the space of a month- probably reflux related) but i really need to get back to work now, the longer i leave it the worse it will get, and ive got stuff piling up that i need to deal with.

SirBoobAlot Sat 01-Dec-12 00:50:10

Oh love you sound hugely overwhelmed.

I think you need some rest, you need to speak to someone, and yes, I do think you should be taking some ADs.

General rule of thumb with ADs is they make you feel like shit for the first ten days, and you won't feel any real difference with your mood for around four weeks. But it is worth pushing through that.

Think maybe assessing your sleep pattern would be helpful.

Big un-MN hugs. x

Viperidae Sat 01-Dec-12 00:53:55

It sounds to me as though you are so run down and stressed that it is hard to see what is physical and what is mental IYSWIM. I know you find it hard to take time off but sometimes you just have to.

LastMangoInParis Sat 01-Dec-12 00:56:12

the longer i leave it the worse it will get

In what way?

Because it sounds to me like you really need that time off for your mental and physical health. Cliche that it sounds, those things are the most valuable things we have. Don't fuck about with them. Take time out if you possibly can.
Working yourself into the ground doesn't make you a better person or a better worker.
I've been in a situation similar to yours: deep, deep, deep exhaustion over a long period, ignoring ill health to keep working, getting depressed, telling myself I had to keep going, keep going, keep going. Until I got really, really ill.
I'm more or less OK now, but working myself into the ground instead of taking time out when i should have done several years ago has had quite long term effects on my health. So I'd really recommend that you give yourself time to recouperate before you do long term damage to yourself. Seriously.

EdnaScoggins Sat 01-Dec-12 00:58:09

Urgently get some different ADs. There are tons of them! And loads of people are on them, so the side effects are well documented and you can have pills (I know, I know) to counter-act them. Or you can persist till you find an AD which doesn't give you side effects. See if you can get to see a CBT therapist as well. Don't suffer; there's no need to.

DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 01:06:09

because i have victims of crime waiting for a result - and no one will take my work load on. just one example of the 12 crimes i am currently investigating - all of which are similar or more pressing - i have a 16 yr old boy who was beaten up, his parents are waiting for me to arrest his attacker. i first need to get 6 statements from witnesses. they are ringing my mobile constantly for updates. updates i cant give while im sat on my arse at home.

i have a crown court case coming up. i have an offender due back on bail. i need to go to CPS before that happens - and i cant do that if im off sick. If i stay off until my sick note runs out, i wont have time to go to CPS before my bailer is back. The offender could get away with it simply because im not there.

i have a woman waiting for an update about some damage to her car. I had an interview booked with the offender, he didnt turn up. no one else can sort these things for me. i need to be at work to do it. my phone is ringing while im off sick. ive tried to sort some of this stuff while off sick, tried to arrange appointments for statements to be taken etc....but bottom line is i need to be at work. people are relying on me and if im not there nothing is happening with those people.

problem is when i go back, i wont be able to sort those things because there will be 10 more crimes waiting for me when i get back. the radio will be going, control will be asking if they can put another crime on me list....

and it goes on. so while im not there it gets worse. i need to get back.

DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 01:11:49

sorry that was in answer to mango....

i feel like im having a real pity party. sad i really do need to get a grip of everything. i never thought i would be this bad. im pretty good at being fairly organised.

EdnaScoggins Sat 01-Dec-12 02:01:26

Yes, honestly, if you take some ADs which don't disagree with you, you will get your grip back. Tis the way it is.

LastMangoInParis Sat 01-Dec-12 02:12:11

Tutu I see what you're saying, but if you're constantly exhausted and that's making you phyisically ill - or preventing you from recovering properly from physical illness, which in itself will be enough to make you depressed -then that's going to be the main thing that's hindering your work. The other stuff you describe will seem 10 times worse because you won't be physically resilient enough to cope with it.
You're obviously very dedicated to your work, but you're also human and have limitations.
At least have a day where you don't let yourself do anything. Force yourself to rest, eat, rest... And do another day of the same thing if you need to. You have to put yourself first for a bit.

DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 02:26:24

I'm having lots of days of doing nothing - the problem is that it's quite attractive. Doing nothing is nice. Until you have to go back and do something...sad I could easily do nothing for ever more. going back is the hard part. I think physically I'm better. Just waiting for tests now. It's stress I have to find a way to cope with. I'm going to try and sleep now but thanks for answering - I'll check back tomorrow. Got to try not to be harbinger if doom tomorrow as it's Ds birthday.

BovineUddersAkimbo Sat 01-Dec-12 02:44:58

In my experience being happy doing nothing sounds like depression. I know when I'm starting to slide back down when I 'don't have time' to wash my hair, get dressed etc - these basic self-care tasks are always the first to go with me.

If I were you I would go back to the doctor, try something like escitalopram which I think can be a bit easier than sertraline with side effects (i've been on both and am currently on sertraline). Just try the meds. You have to wait it out a bit to see how they go, but in my experience I've been able to feel different within a week.

(Can I also just say I'm sat here rather in awe of you - going into the police was always my dream career, but I've never had the balls or determination to even apply. You've achieved so much, it's incredibly admirable.)

DudeInaTutu Sat 01-Dec-12 11:32:46

Thanks for the replies and sirboobalot the hugs appreciated. smile
I think I probably do need to go back but I've no idea what to say. I feel a bit of a fool. I seem ok on the outside, I'm just whinging a lot. But at home, I could truly stay in bed and never get up. But I can't take any more time off, or give any meds time to "bed in'.
I don't feel particularly weepy, just tired, numb, I cant be bothered with anything, getting dressed if I don't have to is too much effort, and I feel anxious, more so just before I go back to work, can't sleep the night before, ( hence the sleeping tabs) I seem ok when there. I think the thought of going back is worse than being back. I don't know really. I
didn't give the sertraline much chance but it made me feel so sick and odd. I couldn't work like that, I hate feeling sick. I know it would have worn off, maybe I should have talked to doctor and tried again while I was off with my chest...., but I don't want to take anything I dont need and im not sure if this is depression or just me needing to shake myself and force myself into a bit of normality.
2 friends have mentioned depression to me now. One of the counsellors I saw thought I was at risk of "burning out" what ever that means. I am a worrier. I would happily crawl under the duvet and stay there.

SirBoobAlot Mon 03-Dec-12 00:47:44

If you're not sure what to say, why not print off what you have written? Hide your screen name and the website, but take it with you.

And as someone who burnt themselves out to the point of destroying their health, please - see someone.

If you're anywhere around Brighton and need a cup of coffee, PM me.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 03-Dec-12 11:53:27

well i steeled myself and went back today. Im trying the sertraline again, while im signed off anyway, that way i might get through the worst of the side effects before i go back.

thanks sirboobbalot i wish was was in brighton! sadly couldnt be much further away.

thank you.

bassetfeet Mon 03-Dec-12 22:31:44

VICAR I feel for you really do . You are not whinging at all .
Understand totally the culture of being in the police as my son is constantly frustrated and worn out by the same issues you face daily . It is not a days work to be undertaken poorly and feeling as you do . I do think you are depressed and exhausted and you must take time off to recover and allow the side effects of the meds to wear off and the benefits to kick in . They will .
Please please let yourself have time off and allow your tired mind and body some healing time .
I was the same as you a few years back now but in the health service. I thought I would never recover or face work again .but I did and you will feel better again I promise . smile.

SirBoobAlot Mon 03-Dec-12 22:39:10

Well done for going back , that's a really huge step.

Be kind to yourself. x

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 03-Dec-12 22:55:12

thank you both.

im feeling so guilty about work - really guilty and i know i will be getting talked about by now.

i started the sertraline tonight. i had been thinking about trying to go back to work mid week but the gp said stay off, get the side effects out of the way, and if i need a bit longer the gp will write me off a bit longer. the problem is i have some work that is now pressing....

and i dont know whether to confess to the diagnosis or keep stum. im on lots of new meds at the min for various other things so i could just say im struggling with side effects from medication without having to go into too much detail.

or do i fess up. i suspect i will be seen as weak, or cant hack it, if i do.

SirBoobAlot Mon 03-Dec-12 23:01:45

How approachable is your boss? In the end it comes down to you whether you tell them or not, but I think you would probably be surprised by the reaction - one in four people suffer from a mental health condition at some point in their lives, so almost everyone knows someone who has been ill.

If right now, telling them that its the other meds is easier for you, then do that. But don't feel guilty. If you had broken both arms, and had just put the cast on, would you expect yourself to be back in work immediately? No. You would be patient and understanding with yourself, even if it was still frustrating. You are ill, love, and that is okay.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 03-Dec-12 23:11:39

i just dont know really.
my boss is off with stress. his boss will probably roll his eyes and groan.
as would my colleagues.

i do have an alarming number of symptoms of depression which was a bit of a shock. gp was lovely actually. more understanding that i thought and spotted the fact that im on sleeping pills and went with no make up and greasy hair....i used to not be like this. but i cant remember. i spend my days off in a tired fug which i always told myself was recovery from shifts....

SirBoobAlot Mon 03-Dec-12 23:19:05

I'm glad the GP was nice, it makes such a difference.

Reread that post to yourself - you have recognized there is a problem, and you have started the journey towards recovering too.

I'm pretty useless tonight as I'm in a really bad place, but am sending you a bit hug. You took a huge step today.

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 03-Dec-12 23:22:18

right back at ya boob with a hug, sorry your feeling in a bad place and thank you for the replies, i find im feeling quite lonely just now and its lovely to find a safe space to talk.

SirBoobAlot Mon 03-Dec-12 23:26:36

Promise you that you're not alone.

Can you plan to do something nice for yourself? Little things count. Paint your nails, have a lovely bath, read a few pages of a book? Reminding yourself that you deserve to have little treats is really important when you are low.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Tue 04-Dec-12 12:33:39

i think if i could make a decision on how much to say at work i would be able to concentrate a bit more on relaxing and maybe doing something the moment im feeling anxious. i woke up this morning and wrote a text to my acting sgt, but didnt send it. confused

how you feeling today sirboob? hope you are ok. x

SirBoobAlot Tue 04-Dec-12 13:22:32

Mind are always a brilliant organization to do with all things mental health. This is a page about 'surviving working life'. Hope maybe some of it will be helpful to you, though maybe in the future, as its mainly focused about returning to work.

It is entirely up to you. I think the fact you drafted that text indicates that you want to tell someone. Right now though if you have other medications to take the 'blame' for your time off, and that is easier, then take the pressure off yourself. Is there an advocacy member or similar within your team?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Tue 04-Dec-12 14:45:58

thank you for that link sirboobalot that is really useful.

i just dont quite no what to do - i dont think my colleagues will be understanding. i think i would get a lot of eye rolling and "cant hack it" comments, probably not to my face.
i have been struggling for a while and not said anything - i had referred myself to OT a year ago. My gp had wanted me to start ad's in May and wanted to sign me off then but things were so bad that i knew if i had gone off work then i would never, ever, have gone back. so i refused. and muddled on. i thought things would get easier once that period of stress had passed.
it hasnt.
but ive kept on saying im ok. no one at work has a clue. if i were to tell anyone, i would only want my acting supervisor to know but im not really sure how it would go down, and i could see it getting out of proportion fairly quickly....

just dont know what to do.

SirBoobAlot Wed 05-Dec-12 23:56:36

How are you feeling today?>

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 06-Dec-12 00:05:06

hi sirboobalot - im okish i guess - im posting on the ADs and sertraline support thread a fair bit....

i feel really odd with the side effects but im just going to plough on regardless, i want to feel better, no pain no gain i think. im not feeling as sick but i am very fatigued, light headed and twitchy....

im hiding a bit from work - i text my acting supervisor who is i discovered off, so then text the next in line but ive not told either whats up - most people i am speaking to in RL seem to think i should keep quiet. i just dont know. ive not had any reply.

anyway thank you for asking after me.

i hope you feel a bit better?

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 00:14:41

I saw. Not a stalker, I promise, was just concerned about you, and saw your name. blush

The side effects are rough for the first days. It does settle down though. Well done for sticking with it, I remember taking them the first time and being very tempted to chuck them across the room at day three.

Okay, well if right now not telling them is what you need to do, then accept that from yourself. There's no shame in being ill, but there is also no 'must' to declaring why you are ill. So you do what is best for you.

I've had a meltdown thread on here the last few days blush Have been thinking of you though. Got to try and get myself out of the house tomorrow, when really I would just quite like to stay hiding under my duvet..!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 06-Dec-12 00:30:03

its nice that you asked actually, so thank you. Ive not seen your thread - im sorry if youre having a bad it on this board?

i think im on day 3 now, so ive managed 2 more days than last time! i realise i need to stick with them and push through the yukkiness....

i didnt get dressed today. i didnt get up until lunch time. i really do know what you mean about staying under the duvet....i have also told myself i need to get up and out tomorrow but whether it happens or not is another thing altogether.

hope you feel a bit more able to do that tomorrow....and thank you for checking on me. ive posted on a policing forum asking about admitting the diagnosis....ill see what opinion on there is. i dont want to shoot myself in the foot.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 06-Dec-12 00:44:58

im going to try and sleep now but i will look for your thread tomorrow....hope you are ok. x

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 00:53:54

That's a good idea, some opinions from professionals in your field can't do any harm. I hope what they say allows you to make a decision you're happy with either way.

If you don't manage to get out - don't worry. Especially when adapting to taking any medication, you have to be that bit kinder to yourself. On the other hand, the longer you avoid going out for, the harder it is when you actually have to. So maybe give yourself a reasonable aim tomorrow if you wake up and think you won't manage getting out; try and move from the bed to the sofa by 11am or something.

Day three was always the worst day, IMO. And that's with every medication I've tried. So today is hump day smile

milkwagon Thu 06-Dec-12 03:28:45

I'm a detective and can whole heartedly relate to workloads and work/home life balance. Firstly shift work can be exhausting. In my experience having lie ins and staying in PJs is a way of recovering from shifts. Also, go out for a walk/fresh air or go to the gym. Exercise does amazing things for state of mind. Keep well hydrated during the day, something with electrolytes in, i find this helps when bogged down with investigations. I'm concerned that your supervisors are not ensuring your investigations are being managed whilst you're away from work - this is their job as supervisors. It's also their job to ensure your health & welfare therefore informing them of your situation will be the first step in addressing your work/home life balance. You should be able to leave work without worrying or thinking about your investigations to the extent you are. You need to try and disseminate outstanding tasks - can you get your neighbourhood team to assist with arrests & interviews? This will reflect very well at their next panel meeting and alike when they give feedback to their communities. Sell the idea to those who need investigative experience if you're able to. Are you qualified to be dealing with these sorts of investigations? Are your supervisors being unreasonable with their expectations from you? They are there to support you, that's what they get paid for and is their job role. They would be negligent if they didn't support you. Keep a diary of what's being required from you if it's too much/unreasonable. Last thing you want is threat of UPP from some acting supervisor looking to demonstrate dealings with this for their PDR/promotion application. Also, have you considered speaking to occupational health - they are there to help. I would encourage you to consider discussing what's going on with your supervisors as that then puts them under a duty to support you and ensure investigations are being conducted in a timely manner - it may well take the pressure off you as well. If you don't get any joy with your immediate supervisors go to the next rank up and so on but do keep a record in your PNB. Have you considered speaking to your force chaplain or federation?
With problems sleeping I found taking valerian root tincture was a godsend and Lactium supplements from Boots during the day. I took these when sitting promotion exams and kept me sane.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 06-Dec-12 12:22:50

cheers sirboobalot i thought it would be sensible to ask.

milkwagon thank you - im going to really try to adopt what you say and put into practice.

i have talked to my acting supervisor this morning and im a bit non plussed really - he just said i didnt have to tell him, and was i saying i wasnt going to be back for nights?

i thought i was doing the right thing but now im not so sure. He said he had read between the lines anyway. I said i was telling him because if the side effects of the meds didnt settle it would be on my sick note anyway.

He did reassure me that my crimes are being sorted and not to worry about the rest of the group.

But i feel like a flaky failure who just cant hack it and i feel a bit of an idiot now for telling him.

SirBoobAlot Thu 06-Dec-12 14:32:51

Please don't feel like either of those things. If this had been physical, if you had broken your legs, you wouldn't feel like a flaky failure, would you? This is just as real, love, you just can't see it.

He had worked it out anyway. So you telling him will be seen as a good thing, because you have been able to be honest. Certainly not an idiot.

Your cases are being dealt with - you can stop worrying about those now, and focus on getting better.

Big hugs, and a cup of tea. (possibly with some chocolate hobnobs!)

SirBoobAlot Fri 07-Dec-12 23:51:32

Hey Vicar, how are you feeling today?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 08-Dec-12 00:15:16

hi sirboob - fatigued today. very very fatigued. 12 hours sleep and still couldnt get out of bed, but i did manage to get dressed (not until afternoon but still...) still getting some quite bizarre side effects, but they are livable. its day 5 today.

still in a quandary with work....meant to be back at work on nights on monday but seriously dont think i will survive a night feeling like this. ive had some very understanding replies on the police forum but seems those who answered may have experienced something similar themselves - not sure that the majority in good health would quite feel the same.

am going to try to get to bed now and attempt to drag myself up a bit earlier tomorrow.

i hope you're feeling a bit better now, i wish you weren't hurting, have a ((hug)) from me. (i dont care how unmumsnetty it is!)

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:21:28

Well done for getting up and dressed - screw the clock, you did it! You're nearly through the worst patch with the tablets.

At least you have some listening ears who understand how you're feeling with the forum. They have the work experience side of things to add to the empathy on an emotional level, which can only be a good thing.

Thanks love. Have a big hug from me too. You're doing really well. x

CuriousMama Sat 08-Dec-12 00:35:45

Hi Vicar, I've just read through your thread. It's good to hear you're back on meds. Please don't feel a failure though. You're far from it.If you read a thread by someone else posting what you have to deal with you'd realise that too.
Plus you're ill, just like any other illness. If you had high bp and had to take meds for it, time off work, you'd not feel a failure or weak. I think it's because of the stigma that's always been attached with MH issues? Plus it's somehow thought of as an illness that we can sort out ourselves, mind over matter, pulling ourselves together and so on. But we know it's much more complex than that.
I have anxiety and it used to be panic disorder. I'm not even a nervous or depressed person. Am probably a bit too brave at times. But something in me, the way I'm wired (seems to be genetic?) makes me have anxiety symptoms and these can be triggered by different things. I love meeting new people yet a new event can trigger it. Bizarre?
Depression is the pits. I had it once when dss were very small. I'd hide under the duvet at any opportunity. Luckily I got through it with help from my GP.
Take every positive step one at a time and be kind to yourself.

CuriousMama Sat 08-Dec-12 00:38:14

Sirboob just read you put something similar re: broken legs. It's true though isn't it? If it's something more easily 'seen' then it's ok.
The more openly MH illness is spoken about the better imo.

SirBoobAlot Sat 08-Dec-12 00:44:19

There's a big movement called Time To Change going on at the moment to try and increase awareness and acceptance around mental health issues.

It was an old teacher of mine who first gave me the broken legs analogy. Think a lot of people struggle with invisible health conditions, and the first battle is giving yourself permission to be ill. Its a hard one!

CuriousMama Sat 08-Dec-12 00:47:03

I'll have a look at that thanks SirBoobAlot.

Vicar you have had your thyroid checked I hope?

CuriousMama Sat 08-Dec-12 01:01:59

SirBoobAlot I joined up. Have answered someone's post already grin

topsi Sat 08-Dec-12 08:05:36

I would speak to the GP get him/her to write a letter to work explaining the insomnia and get signed off night shifts.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 08-Dec-12 12:15:12

thanks all

maggie i had a blood test in April before i tried the meds for the first time, all was fine. I was starting to worry that i had some underlying health issue,(the repeated chest infections, verrucas, fatigue) but maybe it is all connected to my state of mind.

topsi i actually dont mind nights when im not feeling like this - and im keen not to ask for any thing the others dont get tbh. I feel a bit separate from the group anyway, im trying to be careful about doing anything that would cause more resentment than my absence already is. no one at work is going to be very happy - i seem to have had a lot of time off. Its pointless telling them i was never ill before this job - im sure they dont believe me. The first year i never had any time off at all, but this year i seem to have been plagued with problems.

topsi Sat 08-Dec-12 14:51:48

what were your thyroid results? Phone up and ask them to give you the levels and ranges. Post them on the general health board and someone will look at them for you. Thyroid issues are very undiagnosed in this country. Do you have any other thyroid symptoms?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 08-Dec-12 16:54:25

when i asked what my thyroid results were i was told they were bang in the middle of what they should be, i never asked for specifics on levels as i was reassured they were fine, i got a bit worried, thinking their must be something wrong but had a full blood screen in April, prior to attempting the sertraline for the first time, including thyroid, and then just the other week i had an immunology test. (i was really worrying about the gazillions of verruca and general poor health) All my blood results have been ok as far as ive been told.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 17:00:19

So sorry things are no better for you dude sad
I know that for me my depression was something I fought for a long time.
Depressed? Me? I don't think so!
But I was.
Mine was actually late inset pnd and I vividly recall not being able to sleep when my body was crying out for rest.
Not being able to eat due to reflux and nausea and losing weight.
It looking forward to anything, feeling so low and unhappy all the time.
Stressed, unable to laugh as I used to.
Sound familiar?
It took 3 different meds til I got an AD that suited me so please don't give up.
You have been so brave, you have seen the gp, go back and explain those ADs aren't right for you. Ask for another and take them.
It doesn't have to be like this, honeslty.
You are not alone x

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 08-Dec-12 17:20:05

blimey badvoc yes - all horribly familiar.
reflux (causing repeated chest infections) - Tick (waiting for endoscopy)
insomnia - Tick (on zopiclone)
nausea and weight loss - Tick
low, unhappy, unable to look forward to anything - i cannot get remotely excited about xmas and am happily leaving it all to DH. Tick.
Stressed. Tick Tick Tick
unable to laugh - Tick. i am a misery.

add to that spending a lot of time in pyjamas unable to go out, or being in bed sleeping when i shouldnt be.

up until last week i really did not accept that this was depression. I ve only been on the Sertraline for 5 days, 6th today, so im going to try it for a bit longer - though i am seeing no improvement in mood yet.

thank you for posting. I do feel horribly lonely in this. i have come through some horrors in my time and never needed ADs, (DS having meningitis,then him being dx with autism, the fights with school, losing my sister in an accident, then my nan and grandad mere weeks later, the shit with my mother and deciding not to see her, the stuff with my half brother last year, which culminated in my cutting contact and going into counselling.....)

i prided myself in being strong and getting through all those things.

and now im floored with no particular reason. I and have the supposed dream job which is a huge source of my stress. Im quite a disappointment to myself right now.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 17:51:48

Oh vicar sad so much of your post resonates with me sad I have had to be "the strong one" for so long - since I was 11 tbh and dealing with my mothers mental health issues - that I didn't know how to tell anyone how bad I was.
I literally could not verbalise my feelings at all.
The great thing for me was being determined not to end up like my mum and that spurred me on to see the gp who was so kind to me I cried in front of another person for the first time in decades.
I remember telling the gp that I couldn't be depressed as I had a great dh, ds1s health issues were not so serious as we thought and I felt such a fraud!
In my case, Its not until you are driving along a country road, crying and think "if I drove into that tree it would all stop" that you realise that you need help.
Please go back to the gp and ask for different meds. It does take time for any meds to work though.
Have you ben referred for the endo yet?
I think hjealth anxiety can also be a big cause of depression and you certainly have that.
Thinking of you x

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 08-Dec-12 18:23:18

thanks badvoc

yes i have been referred - consultation this month. My experience is scarily similar to yours. Im going to give the sertraline a bit longer to see if the side effects subside and see if it makes any difference - im conscious that ive not given it long. If i get no joy soon i will go back. im back in a week anyway.

thank you.

Badvocsanta Sat 08-Dec-12 18:31:45

Oh that good news.
Any move forward is good.
Scary smile but good.
Let me know how you get on x

NanaNina Sat 08-Dec-12 18:51:12

Hello Vicar I too know the torment of depression and anxiety - they are evil twins! I had a major episode 2 years ago and was in hospital for 3 months, but now have intermittent depression. This is very unusual by the way and 80% of people recover from depression between 4 and 6 months which was the case with me after my first major episode over 20 years ago. I am now 68 and this is the reason I haven't made a complete recovery.

I think all the responses you have had are bang on the money. WHY or why does depression make us feel like a "flakey failure" (that's a good way of describing it) I also feel ashamed and as loads of others have said feel that I should be able to get over this. I think they are symptoms of the illness, especially as so many of us feel like this. It's a deceitful illness and makes us feel things about ourselves that aren't true.

I do think however you need to stop worrying over work - no one is indespensible. The police force isn't going to dissolve overnight because you are ill! I know it's hard to tell people you are mentally ill because there is still so much stigma attached to it, and tbh I wouldn't have thought the police would be very empathetic but I could be wrong. You actually said in one of your posts something about "admitting" you had depression! YOU must know it is not a crime!!

I too want to hide under the duvet on the bad days and can't laugh or even smile and hate to see other people being "normal" and going about their lives, laughing and chatting the way I used to - still do for much of the time, but then the bad days come and WHAM all the old feelings come back. I am pre-occupied with suicidal feelings. I jump if the phone goes or the doorbell rings (have supportive DP) so can go and hide away and lucky to have a few close women friends who I can contact. I have prolonged bouts of crying and sometime stuff a towel in my mouth when I'm in bed in case the neighbours hear, as I cry really loudly.

The thing that struck me about your post at the top of this page is that you list all the traumas that you have been through and then say "and now I'm dperessed for no particular reason - you not realise that very often depression is caused by the cumulative effect of life stresses. I think you have to give yourself permission to have a depressive illnesses - it strikes all sorts of people for all sorts of reasons, yes even the police I wouldn't wonder!

If you keep on pushing yourself into denying you are ill, you will get worse, that's a fact - I know from experience. I was in a very responsible jobwhen I had my first episode. PLEASE STOP! Please be assured that you are depressed, no question, you are having the awful symptoms of depression and anxiety, but you made the mistake of stopping the meds after a very short time. SO it was like going down the snake on the Board, and you have to start over again. Did your GP not tell you that ADs take 2/3 weeks to kick in and you very often feel worse when you first start taking them. I don't think they like telling you this in case you then expect it to happen. GPs never talk about side effects, but ADs have them,like all drugs do. You MUST keep taking them - it isn't like taking paracetomol for headache.

The other trick this damn illness plays on us is that what AD suits one person doesn't suit another, so sometimes you have to try a couple of different ones, but that might not be the case with you.

There is a book called "Depression - the Curse of the Strong" (forgot who wrote it but it's on Amazon for about 7 quid)

Sorry if I sound too directive but sometimes when we are depressed that's what we need.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 08-Dec-12 22:41:37

thanks nanaNina

im not sure if i feel worse because i have finally given in and accepted it or side effects from the meds, or both. But i have accepted that i would like to feel better. I realise that i need to get through this first few weeks on the meds if ive any hope of doing that, so im pressing on no matter how rubbish im feeling.

im letting myself off with all sorts just now. DH is being great and doing everything and im doing sod all, i think in the past week ive managed to get dressed once. blush it just feels like since i have given myself permission to accept it, ive slumped....i dont really know why....

SirBoobAlot Sun 09-Dec-12 00:30:19

I think sometimes you have to slump to realise how much you are struggling, before you can actually start to feel better. That's always been my experience, anyway. Someone said to me once when I was horrifically low - "Well, Boobs, you're at rock bottom." I looked at her like she was mad. Then she smiled; "If it honestly cannot get any worse than this, then really, it can only get better, can't it?"

She's a daft old thing, but she had a point there.

Much love to you, Vicar. Sounds like DH is being brilliant, and that is exactly what you need right now.

TheSilverPussycat Sun 09-Dec-12 13:23:27

'Slumping' can be part of recovery - battling against it makes it worse ime. And the duvet can be a friend, at least in the short term.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 09-Dec-12 13:50:52

im just so incredibly fatigued, and flat. This doesnt feel like recovery, it feels like a bubble that i dont want to break out of. The thought of going back to work is panicking me.

i decided to have a look on the job boards just to see whats out there, and got my answer pretty quickly. nothing. i know its probably not the time to think about it and maybe if i were to feel better in myself the job would look different but im scared that the job has pushed me over the edge

NanaNina Sun 09-Dec-12 14:03:17

Good for you Vicar - you have done good! I think you have "slumped" because you have stopped fighting, which takes some energy. And that's the one thing we don't have when we are depressed, either emotional or physical energy, and you do very often feel worse when you first start the meds. Can you make any link between all the traumas you have been through over recent years and your current state of depression. Sometimes we can't see the "wood for the trees" when we are depressed because it fogs up our brain.

Ha SPC I coulnd't agree more!!!

My CPN was always saying I should isolate myself but on my worst days my duvet was my best friend because I could withdraw from the world, which is actually what we want to do when we are depressed.

Keep us posted Vicar and sooooooooo pleased you have a great DH.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 09-Dec-12 19:32:28

i managed to take dd out for horse riding, and i got stuck in too which did me good, just being outdoors and around the horses is wonderful. i have my lesson next week.

but since i got back i seem worse than i did earlier. friend rang and i had to say i would phone back.

when i did manage to call back she said she could hear how low i was and didnt stay on.

i hate feeling like this. its just not me. sad

im going to ask the doctor to sign me off until i feel some difference, because i feel like im in danger of walking out of the job if i go back while i feel this way.

NanaNina Sun 09-Dec-12 20:34:26

Oh thank goodness you are starting to see sense Vicar and you definitely are not fit for work. The other damn trick that Dep & Anx play on us is that there can be changes through the day about how we feel, as you have discovered today. I know how much you hate feeling like this, cus I do too. I'm OK at the minute but that could change any day. Mornings are my worse time when I can't function and just hide under the duvet and cry. Sometimes though I can wake up feeling OK and once i'm up and about the damn thing comes upon me (I call it my HeadMonster) just to confuse me even more. I won't answer the phone on bad days, and DH knows to tell people I'm "not good."

I think you will feel quite a difference once the meds kick in.

Think our posts crossed. I really think you have to put work on the back burner for the time being, and as for looking for new jobs - No this is not the time. You are setting yourself up to fail. You must accept that you are ill and need time to get well. Of course you won't be feeling anything like recovery yet - it is going to take time and patience - it's a very slow recovery.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 10-Dec-12 00:25:31

well i will talk to gp tomorrow and see if she will sign me off.

im conflicted - i posted on a policing forum and the last reply states i should ''keep the hatches battened down and the skeletons at the back of the cupboard".....i fear that they may be right and that this will reflect badly on me.

id better get to bed.

Eurostar Mon 10-Dec-12 00:51:03

I wonder why your GP is so wedded to Sertraline Vicar rather than trying another SSRI?

Along with all the emotional trauma that can of course cause symptoms, your reflux could mean that you are not absorbing vital vitamins and minerals well. Your NHS blood tests may have been in range but the safe range is still too low for many, who feel much better with higher levels. It is one of my bugbears that doctors generally do now empower patients, they just say, oh yes, your levels are fine but don't give you a print out of results. You could find that your B12 for instance has dropped significantly while still being in range.

Your immune system sounds weakened if you are getting these recurring viruses. I am taking a sublingual B12, a B complex, folic acid and a liquid vitamin D in an oil base, vitamin C with zinc and magnesium. I am in and out of health settings continually as I work as an interpreter and I have been able to fight off infections and viruses (such as cold sore) much better. Those who think of vitamins and minerals as some sort of "woo" can find research studies on their efficacy available via the net. Those who say, we can get it from our diet, need to read studies showing the depletion of these nutrients from mass produced food.

Having said all this, all the trauma and caring for others that you are faced with, while still processing your own traumas, will be playing too their part in reducing your immune system through probable raised cortisol levels, so it is probably important to take time out if you want to be well.

NanaNina Mon 10-Dec-12 13:34:46

I don't want to discount what you are saying Eurostar but I think depression is depression and whilst the things you mention may be good for you, they aren't going to cure depression. My GP does actually show me blood test results - she doesn't print them out but she swings the screen of the computer round so I can see, and if there is anything out of sync there is a red marker by it, and she explains what this could be and the reasons for it and gets me to have another blood test. ADs take 2/3 (sometimes up to 4 weeks) to kick in so a GP is not likely to change them until that time has elapsed. They are willing to change them if they do not seem to be in any way beneficial, but then of course you go back to step 1. The trouble is that they work differently on different people.

Hi Vicar - hope you get signed off work today. I would keep off the police forums were I you. I know you are anxious about your job, but you have to resign yourself to the fact that you are unfit for work at the moment. You have a responsible job and in fairness to you and the cases with which you deal, you need to recover before returning to work.

And try to get to bed earlier - though this is the pot calling the kettle black!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 10-Dec-12 14:28:44

well i had a bit of a panic this morning - i called to speak to my gp and found she was on holiday.

that meant i had to speak to someone else who used to be my boss, which i found incredibly difficult.

however, i just said i was still in the throes of the side effects, and he has signed me off for a bit longer.

i got up earlier this morning but found myself sat on the sofa in total silence for a couple of hours, feeling very anxious waiting for the call back from the gp.

i need to go and collect the sick note - i dont know how long he signed me off for.

ive booked to see the doctor who put me on the meds next week, it will be the 2 week mark by then.

i need to let work know, but right now, i could easily never go back, im scared to go back. I dont know if the depression is colouring my view of the job or if the job has caused my depression. i guess its best not to do anything until i feel better but i dont know how long the gp will be willing to sign me off for. I hate this constant worrying about it.

NanaNina Mon 10-Dec-12 16:58:26

Hi Vicar - that must have been awful having to speak to a GP who was your boss - were you a nurse or receptionist or practice manager maybe? I hope he has signed you off for at least 2 weeks, but if you are going to see your own GP next week, you can negotiate with him/her about the signing off. You might be feeling some benefit from the meds by the time of your next appt, but 2 weeks isn't long enough for a GP to change them, at least I don't think so.

I've just re-read your OP and see you have a lot of physical health things going on - could these be related to the depression and anxiety. It is anxiety that usually shows itself first and the last feeling to subside in recovery. I am just wondering if some of the gastric stuff can be symptoms of anxiety. It causes all sorts of physical stuff - I was constantly dizzy, feeling sick, shakey legs and god knows what else before my first major episode of dep/anx.

I know exactly how it feels to be scared with this illness - anxiety means fear - fear of the present and fear of the future, and fear of fear if you see what I mean. Medics ask us what we are scared of like we are going to say spiders or something. Feeling like someone has taken over your personality and brain is bloody scarey - can't think of anything more scarey.

I also understand this "chasing around" that is going on in your head - is it the depression colouring your view of work, or has the job caused your depression. The job could have been a contributory factor in the cause of your depression, but you have also been through a whole load of very traumatic stuff, which could also be part of the cause. It is seldom one thing that tips us over the edge, but there will almost certainly be loss somewhere in the mix. And YES your depression is making your scared of doing your job, and it is probably making you feel scared of a whole load of other normal things. I get scared when the phone rings or the door bell rings on bad days, and when I think what a responsible and stressful job I held down, I can barely believe it - but there it is - that's what depression does to us - tips us up and empties us and we are left like a shell. Sorry that may not be true for you but that's how I feel on bad days.

Your OP suggests there was some childhood trauma (?) and a difficult relationship with your mother. Have you ever thought of getting therapy to let some of these issues see the light of day. It's not the time now because you can't access the therapy while you are so low, but maybe something to think of for the future.

NanaNina Mon 10-Dec-12 17:07:28

Sorry Vicar *I have just re-read your post (properly not just skimming) and see that you were having therapy for childhood abuse. Have you been diagnosed as having PTSD I wonder. Oh yes and cut down on the alcohol and get more early nights!!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 10-Dec-12 17:22:19

thanks nananina

im going to really try to get some early nights and get up earlier.

the gp has signed me off for 7 days but has put its due to continued physical health issues (chest infection)

im back to see the gp who put me on the sertraline next monday, but am also due back to work that afternoon. i really want to be able to concentrate on getting and feeling better, and stop worrying about work.

i wasnt diagnosed with PTSD. I had about 8 counselling sessions which incorporated "rewind" therapy, (takes the emotional response out of the traumatic memories) some relaxation techniques and one session on how to do CBT, which never really became clear to me.

im just not me at all right now.

NanaNina Mon 10-Dec-12 19:21:00

Well there's no way you are going to be fit for work next Monday afternoon are you. I think when you see your GP Vicar you must be really certain that you tell him/her how bad you are feeling, and how you cannot face the thought of work, and that given the work you do, it would not be fair on the people with whom you are involved professionally.

I just have a feeling that you maybe don't tell the GP just had bad you are feeling. I might be wrong but it's really important to tell him/her all your symptoms. I think it likely that the GP will want you to continue with the sertraline.

You may not have been diagnosed with PTSD but you had the right therapy (EMDR) and according to a lot of MNs it is a very successful therapy, and much better than pyscho-dynamic therapy. Did you get it on the NHS and did it have any effect? Re: CBT - my CPN used to talk to me about this theory. She wasn't an expert but had been on courses so just told me what she knew. It's a very simple theory really (as I understand it) it's about trying to stop the negative automatic thoughts (ANTs) that pop up in our mind when we are dep/anx., replaced with more balanced thoughts, to stop the ANTs spiralling out of control and making us worse. Sometimes I used to write the ANTs down e.g. "omg I will never get better, it's just getting worse and what will happen if I can't do this that or the other etc etc" (think you're having some of those spiralling ANTs now!) and then I'd write a more balanced account e,g. "I am ill at the moment, but I will get better and nothing dreadful is going to happen if I can't do this or that" and then decide which was more helpful. Mind I wasn't having to worry about work in the way that you are.

There are lots of books on CBT you can get off Amazon if you feel the need. When I'm ok I can see the sense in it, but when I'm crap I can't usually be bothered with it!

BF How are you doing today?

Eurostar Mon 10-Dec-12 20:39:28

Nana - I was not saying that these things cure depression, although in fact there have been studies for various vits and minerals, for instance recently translated one that found that B12 and folic acid can be as effective as SSRIs for some people. We cannot forget the huge money that is put behind SSRI marketing - have a read of Ben Goldacre Bad Pharma.

Also, no "red flags" on your blood results does not mean that you might not feel a difference when levels change. Dropping for instance from an iron level that is towards the high end of in range to the lowest end of in range will often mean that people will experience physical differences such as tiredness and cold.

I was suggesting these for the recurrent viral infections that Vicar reported. Anyone like me who gets recurring viral infections knows that they appear when the immune system is compromised and also it is known that stress raises cortisol and cortisol dampens the immune system - as anyone who has had to take steroids knows. Vicar's life and job sound stressful, which could raise cortisol, which could dampen immune system. Hence I said rest was vital too. I would add to that a therapeutic space to process how the stress of today could be interacting with wounds of the past.

The mind and body are one and we need to take care of both.

NanaNina Tue 11-Dec-12 12:28:15

Yes I agree the mind and body are one Eurostar and I accept that you weren't talking about a cure for depression. I know there is no real concensus with the "experts" about depression. There seems to be 2 schools of thought, the psychological model and the medical model, and it can be a case of "n'er the twain shall meet" though I think sensible people see a benefit in both models.

I have read a great deal about depression from differing viewpoints. There are those (usually psychologists but some psychiatrists too) who point out that there is no evidence that there is any change in brain chemistry in depression and therefore rule out chemical imbalance and ADs as there is nothing for them to "correct" - yet others who come from the opposite end of the continuum and it leaves someone like me and other sufferers in the middle. Some point to studies in trials where there is no difference in recovery rates between those taking ADs and those taking placebos. All I know is that for me ADs do work.

Sorry if the tone of my post annoyed you - it wasn't meant to and I am not discounting what you say. You clearly know more about blood results than I do.

TheSilverPussycat Wed 12-Dec-12 22:38:19

Just wondering how you are, Vicar.

I had to teach myself that when in a depressed state I should Not Repeat Not make decisions. If it was about undoing a decision, I would think 'when I made that decision in the first place, was I in a better state of mind?' The answer is usually 'yes', so I could let it go and focus on getting better.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 12-Dec-12 22:48:23

thanks for asking sliver

im still not great if im honest - still in the throes of side effect hell while not feeling the benefit of the sertraline.

due back to work on monday but have a gp appt in the morning - i would like to feel some difference before i go back and be over the side effects.

im trying to take vitamins and iron tablets at the same time.....just to cover all bases.

also decided not to make any potentially life altering decisions just yet. im so worried that if i carry on like this they will be made for are going to get so pissed off with me.

TheSilverPussycat Thu 13-Dec-12 00:23:24

Can you access support through your employers. I should imagine in their line of duty they must have seen many reactions to the job/life, and may have advice (of course it may not be the advice you want to hear), but they surely must have experience of similar? If it turns out not to be for you in the long run, that is no fault of yours, btw.

Hope this isn't too harsh - but I have been depressed in the past, about my job (I knew it was my job, at least in part) and about my now ex who was a cocklodger, though it hadn't dawned on me yet at that time!

I am lucky though - I can live frugally without earning, and a couple of years ago took early retirement on grounds of ill health - I couldn't have gone on with that job. Am 60, so not as bad as that sounds. And divorced this year, which sorted the other reason!

Rambling on - to say although our experiences are different, they are similar enough that I can empathise a bit (I hope)

NanaNina Thu 13-Dec-12 12:14:48

I've been wondering how you are too Vicar - I remember so well this thing about having to be well by the next time I saw GP and I'm afraid depression isn't time sensitive in that way. By my reckoning you will only have been on the meds for 2 weeks by the time you see her - is that right or is it longer? Heshe might not think it a good idea to change meds without giving them a proper chance. OR they might change to another SSRI. I have no evidence for this at all but i just seem to recall quite a few people on MN having bad side effects with sertraline.

I can well understand your worry about work, which SPC and me don't have and that makes a huge difference. As I think I've said before you can't really do the responsible job that you do when you are still feeling so crap. It isn't fair to you or the people with whom you are dealing. You aren't indispensable Vicar - someone else will be doing your work.

What are your financial circumstances if you don't mind my asking - and do you have an H or P who is working. However you should get statutory sick pay shouldn't you, given that you work for a public service. I was working when I had my first major episode and was off work for about 9 months and I think I got full SSP for 6 months, but then it went down a bit, but with paying less tax it worked out almost as much as the full rate. Maybe you need to find out what the deal is about SSP. Obviously this worrying about work is going to make you worse, and I understand that you can't not worry but you really do have to be realistic. Planning to go back to work (or feeling you must) is like planning a big hill climb with a broken leg.

You seem to think that the police won't be sympathetic to your mental health problems but my god you can't be the first employee to be off with this illness. It affects 1 in 4 people and 6 people are suffering at any one time, and there are no exemptions for employees of the police service!!

I was a social worker for some 30 years and of course there was a lot of empathy there. I remember a new Director starting and he was around for about a month and then he went off with "stress" (often used instead of depression/anxiety) and was off for over a year, but came back ok and proved to be one of the best directors we ever had.

Take it easy Vicar - easy to say I know......oh and I'm not sure it's a good plan to be taking all this other stuff to be honest, because you are self-diagnosing and you are without energy because you are depressed, not because you are lacking iron. Sometimes too much iron can cause problems, just as much as too little.

Thinking of you................NN

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 13-Dec-12 23:20:00

yes nana it will be 2 weeks on monday.

the side effects, namely the fatigue, are killing me but im hoping it will wear off. the other stuff is bearable. i am losing weight as ive no appetite at all but i can afford to lose a bit.

im just taking a bit of iron and vict c + zinc to boost my immunity.

im hoping the gp will sign me off for a bit longer but am anxious that she might not,
if she does i will be anxious about work and what my colleagues will be thinking about me being off, they will be thinking im taking the piss by now. i cant win with the anxiety.

tonight i took dd riding. the instructor picked up straight away that dd worries. its all i get on parents evenings at school - how much she worries.
ive passed my worry gene to her....or ive taught her to worry. sad

NanaNina Fri 14-Dec-12 13:52:02

Hi Vicar my headmonster woke this morning, which means that I am feeling crap. Just up and have cried on and off all morning. Ah well I've had 7 or 8 good weeks but it hits me all the more then. Friends are coming on Sat and staying the night (just to break their journey from collecting their son from Uni) so DP is just going to say I have flu, and I will hide under the duvet till they've gone.

I can understand the fear going round and round in your head about work and getting signed off etc. I think you must make it very clear to your GP that you don't feel you can cope with the job at present and tell her/him what you do, so it's a very responsible job, and I am sure you will get signed off again. Vicar you must try to bash those negative thoughts on the head, about your colleagues thinking you are taking the piss. Re- read my post and try to believe in the factual side of things about the fact that 1 in 4 people are going to suffer from a mental illness at some time in their lives. I think you will be surprised at how much your colleagues understand.

Take care - can feel another cry coming on.................NN

TheSilverPussycat Fri 14-Dec-12 15:44:06

Hi Nini my duvet sends greeting to your duvet (only needed for daytime nap recently, not for hiding away, thank goodness)

Vicar and re-read my post - by sharing what I did I was trying to make the same points as Nini eg the police must have experience in dealing with this, they can't not, and your financial situation.

You need to have a proper think about the so-called worst case - If you are unable to carry on with your job, what will that mean for how you live.

BTW all my jobs have been dream jobs that I aimed for, but sadly all of them brought about depression. At my age am not worried, I wanted most to be an academic but I know I couldn't have hacked it long term. I am a short sprint of hard work kind of person, always fall behind with paperwork, so there are few jobs out there with the flexibility I need. Am putting my brains to work on mh service user involvement with the new changes in NHS commissioning that come into force in April so feel I am able to make a useful contribution to the world.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 14-Dec-12 17:08:49

im so sorry NN that you are feeling so bad.

im having a crisis - it seems my sgt is coming out to see me tomorrow. im having kittens. i have no idea what to say. Im going to look like a fraud and an idiot.

NanaNina Fri 14-Dec-12 22:52:53

Oh look Vicar he may be coming out of caring for you. YOu are ILL and you'r not a fraud or an idiot and anyone who thinks that is an idiot themselves. Just tell him how bad you are feeling and how you don't think you can hold the job down while you are feeling so depressed, and are seeing the GP on Monday.

I got a fair bit better as the day wore on but worried about how I will be tomorrow. Let me know how the sgt visit goes.

SPC am interested in what you mention about your involvement with the mh service user involvement - the psychologist I saw for some months on the NHS asked if I would be interested in the E for E panel (experts by experience) but it is related to the same hospital where I was a patient and I didn't really want any more involvement with them.

MIND have been advertising for volunteers so have been thinking abou that too, but am not reliable because of the bloody headmonster.

I think you will feel relieved after the visit - I will look in again tomorrow. NN

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 14-Dec-12 23:07:12

he is being sent by inspector and i just feel i will be under pressure to come back to work asap.

i just want to run away. i cant face this.

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 14-Dec-12 23:11:00

Oh vicar you definitely need more time off. If you go back too soon, you will be off again really quickly. Your boss has a duty of care to support you while you are unwell.

Is this a formal sickness interview? If so, you should have been told that you have the right to be accompanied by your union rep or a work colleague.

Have you been referred to occupational health? If not, I would highly recommend that you request an appointment. I am pretty sure that they would be very understanding and fully support your return to work. They can actually stipulate that you should not work nights as it is proving to be detrimental to your health.

In your job you need to be 100% on the ball, as with my job. I see that you are still suffering side effects and adjusting to your medication. Honestly, it would be unreasonable of your employers to expect you to be in work feeling like this.

It takes a long time to get down to the level of depression where you need medication and a LOT longer to work your way back up again. (Voice of experience speaking - my GP has advised that I don't go back until the new year). I completely understand how you are feeling, but really, you need to step away from work and just give yourself chance to get better. Be kind to yourself and let yourself heal, enjoy your Xmas and relax a bit, let the anxiety melt away and take the pressure off, I promise it will help thanks

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 14-Dec-12 23:12:30

X posted with you Vicar

Definitely get in touch with your union rep.

I hope you feel better soon xxxx

NanaNina Fri 14-Dec-12 23:17:33

Vicar you are second guessing what the nature of the visit is - so STOP, no-one can make you go back to work when you are ill. You will be very anxious when he comes, but that's not a bad thing because he will see that you are in a bad state. You wouldn't be feeling like this if you had a physical illness. Sorry I don't mean to sound harsh but you need someone to be directive at a time like this.

If I remember rightly the GP signed you off with something physical didn't she until you can negotiate time off because of mental health problems. It has just occurred to me that your employers may not know that you have depression? If not, you must be honest and tell them how it is.

Incidentally, are you a single parent Vicar - I've never heard you mention a P or H as being part of your life.

I still think you will feel relieved after the visit. It is not in the police's interests to have someone doing a responsible job, when they are not up to it, so I think they will be more understanding that you realise.

I can't pretend I am a great fan of the police, but surely they are empathetic to their own employees who are suffering mental health problems.

Try to get to bed and get some sleep as staying up and worrying is not going to make things any better, only worse. Can you take a zopiclone tonight?

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 14-Dec-12 23:23:56

I agree with Nana

Please ask them for an appointment with occ health. Also, if they don't know that you are suffering with depression, they cannot help you or understand what you are going through. I urge you to tell them how you are feeling and that you have started treatment and how it is affecting you. The more info you give them, the more support you will get.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 14-Dec-12 23:28:59

i can take a zopiclone and i think i will or i wont sleep a wink. im fretting.

i do have a DH who is actually being very patient with me, and doing the bulk of everything house related lately. he is being very good to me and is very supportive.

i cant pretend im a great fan of police either. i dont fit into the culture.

shakey police dont have a union. only a federation and they are next to useless - its not a formal interview as such - its a welfare visit. to check up on me i suspect. i am costing money and im not there. i am just a problem for the inspector.

off to take a zopiclone and try to sleep.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 14-Dec-12 23:30:15

thing is ive just finished counselling with occy health - i was signed off in October.

i darent go back.

TheSilverPussycat Fri 14-Dec-12 23:41:30

Now look Vicar - no, have a [hug]

Your posts on here suggest that you are really not very well. Not well enough to work at the moment. This may or may not arise because you don't fit in with your work culture, but you are not well enough to decide that yet. Your employers have a duty of care, they will want to help you get better.

Please just accept what the day brings for the time being.

With warm wishes x

NanaNina Fri 14-Dec-12 23:43:08

Come on Vicar shut down your laptop, take that zopiclone and go to bed please........I'm closing down now as I have a tendency for late night laptopping.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 14-Dec-12 23:53:31

going now, or i will also sit here and witter. taking a zopiclone and off to bed. hope i dont sleep through a text from sgt though....that would be not good.
and thank you.

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 14-Dec-12 23:55:56

Agree again with Nana

Lets all put the laptops, iPads etc away,

Time for each of us to try and have a good nights sleep, snuggle down into the duvet and tomorrow will be a whole new, shiny day.

Nana the term Headmonster describes it perfectly, the anxiety, palpitations, racing heart, lack of appetite, nausea, the Headmonster has a lot to answer for. I am actually glad to give "it" a name, thank you.

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Fri 14-Dec-12 23:57:01

Goodnight Vicar sleep well' MWAH!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 15-Dec-12 14:40:14

well, im back for an update.

I was tying myself in knots and got a text this morning from acting sgt who said he was coming out this morning.

He was absolutely fantastic.

He allayed all of my worries about work, he told me what is happening to each and every one of my crimes, he has been updating all of my victims, and he was just so lovely and understanding. it was all i could do not to cry.

He said they want to help me and they will do whatever it takes to make my return to work successful, but for now he told me to take time off and recover, and that i should take as long as i need to do that and stop worrying.

He said i am under no circumstances to switch my works phone on and he has referred me back to occupational health.

He said this job can engulf a person and he knows so many people that its happened to, without the other personal problems that i have been dealing with.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders, for now.

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Sat 15-Dec-12 14:53:28

Vicar that is fantastic news.

Now you will have the time and head space to recover. Try not to think about work at all and focus on your recovery. I bet you feel about 2 stone lighter now you are not carrying that burden of anxiety will you.


TheSilverPussycat Sat 15-Dec-12 14:55:37

That's great Vicar told you so wink brew

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 15-Dec-12 14:57:54

i am so relieved i cant tell you.

i have reported my post to HQ - ive probably said a bit too much in it that is identifying other people so ive asked if they can either remove a paragraph or delete the post.

but its good news and i feel like i can now just concentrate on getting better.

NanaNina Sat 15-Dec-12 17:19:16

Ah Vicar hate to say I told you so........but soooo pleased for you. What do you mean about the post to HQ - was this after the visit?

I'm feeling ok now after a horrible morning and am coping with the visitors!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 15-Dec-12 18:13:02

im glad you are feeling better NN

yep i had requested HQ just remove a paragraph from my update post - i type first and think later....its fine and they have done it. (thanks HQ) i had just said something i think i shouldnt have regarding some of my supervision.

i had got myself in such a state - i woke up with a coldsore this morning. I just feel so physically and mentally drained.

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Sat 15-Dec-12 18:44:26

Nana I'm glad you are feeling better and are coping.

Vicar you will probably feel really drained for a day or two as the anxiety lessens and the adrenaline reduces, the relief can make you feel almost lightheaded. Now is the time to be really kind to yourself.
How is your dd by the way? I saw your thread a little while back and she was having some weird, palpitation type episodes. Is she better now?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 15-Dec-12 21:23:16

i do feel almost giddy with relief shaky

DD has been fine since those 2 episodes, she is on iron tablets and looks and feels so much better - she has a bit of colour and seems much perkier. Im putting it down to lack of iron (she had a blood test which showed she was very lacking in iron) Thank you for asking.

ShakySingsMerryXmasEveryone Sat 15-Dec-12 21:35:11

I'm glad she is feeling better, it must have been pretty scary for you both.
<gives more hugs>

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 16-Dec-12 11:17:58

thank you shaky

what i am worried about is that i seem to have given her the worry gene.....she is very sensible and level headed, but she does stress about getting things 'wrong'.

Since starting the iron she seems to have been in much better health and the GP has reassured me if it happens again he will refer her to a cardiologist. So far so good though.

Barkyboots Sun 16-Dec-12 12:58:03

So glad to hear that you've had a positive supportive response from work Vicar. I can imagine that that must be a huge relief. Well done.

Barkyboots Sun 16-Dec-12 12:58:24

So glad to hear that you've had a positive supportive response from work Vicar. I can imagine that that must be a huge relief. Well done.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 16-Dec-12 13:36:24

thanks Barky it is such a relief. It may only be temporary relief but at least i can concentrate on feeling better with that weight off my mind. Im mindful though that i think it is the job that has put me here, (or at least tipped me over the edge) I dont think i deal with stress very well, its having a huge impact on my physical health too. I am just so run down. My feet are still horrendous, ive got a cold sore, ulcers, reflux, and this is while im not even at work....

Im nervous now about going back to occupational health but i clearly need to find a way of dealing with stress. I just hope my usual supervisor will be as understanding as the one who saw me yesterday.

TheSilverPussycat Sun 16-Dec-12 13:40:08

A word about volunteering for Nini. I used to be employed by Mind, they were v understanding about my fluctuating moods. They were equally (or more!) understanding with their volunteers. It can be v helpful to service users to talk to those who understand from first hand experience, and you will be well supported. I also used to volunteer for CAB - they always understood if I had to ring in at the last minute as the black cloud of doom had descended.

Will pm you about service user involvement.

HellesBelles396 Sun 16-Dec-12 18:20:50

Vicar, re DD: this is a concern I have with my son. I spoke to an educational psychologist and she said to emphasise effort rather than result eg "well done on completing your homework, I can tell you worked really hard on it. it makes me feel very proud when you do your best". It's tough-going because I tend to focus on getting things right rather than doing my best but it'll pay off if it stops him ending up with A&D.

TheSilverPussycat Sun 16-Dec-12 18:55:45

I was a worry-wort. Am pretty sure that I have AS and in my case this had something to do with it. (At 60, I have now asked to be professionally assessed and psych is doing referral).

Not saying this is necessarily true in other cases, btw. And I grew out of it.

Some people are just naturally worry-worts, as well, imho.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 16-Dec-12 19:38:48

funny you should mention AS.....runs in our family and i seem to have picked up the anxiety that comes with it - DS has diagnosed AS and DH often says we are two peas in a pod. DD has Dyslexia - im pretty sure we are all 'touched'. I need to find a way of dealing with stress without fretting all the time - its got to the point where i cant enjoy my days off due to fretting about things i need to do when i go back. I so wish i was more laid back, but it seems my kids and me are all cut from the same cloth. DH is uber laid he puts up with me i have no idea.

TheSilverPussycat Sun 16-Dec-12 19:47:48

Vicar I knew your DS has that diagnosis. BTW, it seems to manifest differently in girls - they are more likely to be better at social skills. I am hyperlexic and intelligent also blush, but hate routine (hence I think I have inattentive ADD as well) - anyway, since I started accepting and understanding the odd way my brain works, things have improved tremendously.

Am 100% sure DF (early 90's!) has it as well. He is all about 'the right way of doing things' - which may have contributed to my worry about being wrong!!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 16-Dec-12 20:06:48

I think my problem is i dont know what was learned from an abusive childhood, and what is intrinsic in my make up. I used to think my anxiety was learned from a child hood walking on eggshells with no way of winning, and yet both my children have had solid loving upbringings and both seem to be worriers. Maybe they have learned that from me. maybe its just there within us.

We are all similar but DD is more like her dad, which is odd, laid back on the surface but a worrier, and people pick up on that quite quickly with her - i have no idea. i rarely fit in i do know that. i talk all the time, yet i cant open up without feeling stupid. I sometimes feel very torn about my career choice - sometimes i think that there should be more people like me in the police, with kids with SEN and who can empathise with shit situations, and other times i just feel what the hell was i ever thinking.
i work with some lovely people, but i also work with some bullies, one of whom does not believe women should do this job anyway. I sometimes think to do this job you need to be very self assured and secure with who you are. which i arent. And because it all feels like such a huge disappointment i feel a failure. I keep thinking there may be a niche for me, but i wonder if i am clutching at straws. confused

im rambling now. blush

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Tue 18-Dec-12 22:41:24

In a way it doesn't matter how it arises - the problem becomes that, never getting things wrong because of worrying, you never learn that getting it wrong is not necessarily the end of the world. Also, I found that I generalised 'rules of goodness' - for example, I never cheated at school, and then thought I couldn't ask for help at work!

Of course it's good to have people like you in the police, Vicar (and your knowledge from the job has helped many on MN), but I do understand what you mean about entrenched culture sad

Anyway, hope you are finding yourself able to relax a little or at least stress about Christmas for a change

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Tue 18-Dec-12 23:05:18

thank you silvery i am feeling much more relaxed for now, knowing i dont have to think about work for a few weeks is a huge weight off - im trying not to stress about how fast it will go.

the only reservation i have is that i cant tell if the sertraline is working or not.

I've been lurking for a while. Not brave enough to post.

I could have written 90% of your op. The taking kids to school, going home back to bed then getting up 15mins before the eldest are due home is my current routine and although I hate myself for it content with that.

I am a trainee teacher, signed off indefinitely. I want to quit the PGCE but my gp won't let me make any decisions ATM. I'm currently avoiding calls from tutors (they no why I'm off but I don't know what to say re returning). I'm a single parent and my dcs and xp think I'm carrying on as normal (still doing normall before school and after school.clubs and routines) although I think they have sussed me now.

I'm on a diff ad (fluoxetine). Most days I don't know if its doing anything...but then if I miss a day I know about it so I guess it is stabilising my mood and anxiety even if its not lifting it.

At my worst I couldn't hold a 5 minute conversation. My sentences were incoherent. My.memory is gone, if someone interiors me I lose track of what I was going to say. I'm better than I was but still don't feel able to function normally. My dcs have clean clothes for school, they have free school meals fortunately and can feed themselves in the evenings because they can and I am lazy enough to allow them to. Bills are being paid late. Parents evening letters and stuff are replied to late.

I hate hate hate feeling like this. I feel so physically ill, and so exhausted. I have such a nervous tremour I can barely thread a needle. I have lost at least 1 jeans size. I can't believe how ill I feel and how incapable of getting out of bed I am. I'm scared about how poorly I feel (tho not suicidal or anything) I haven't had a shower for 8 days. I need to dye my roots.

I haven't even told my mum I am off sick let alone the fact that I have had a breakdown. She is coming for christmas and I'm not sure what to say. We are.not overly close.and she lost the love of her life in spring (which is one of my stresses which have contributed in various ways to my stresses).

Anyway. Sorry for offloading and hijacking your thread. Like I say your op was so so so familiar and this felt like a safe place. Stay strong. You are most certainly not alone.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 19-Dec-12 00:07:00

edwinia - writing that must have taken some courage - i know how i felt when i wrote the OP. I was just fed up of people thinking i was strong, and coping, but thats what i felt i should be. not this.

ive no real idea what im going to do long term.

im sorry you are feeling so crap.

how long have you been on the fluoxetine?

There is a support thread on this board for anyone on ADs, its really supportive and so friendly, why not join us on there?

im praying that when i go back - (if??) that the drugs have kicked in. The gp says they wont take away the problems but might make them easier to cope with. God i hope thats true.

Thanks. I'll take a look tomorrow.

I think I just want my 'issues' down in black and white and am hoping that might give me some focus to deal with them and life. One day at a time.

One more issue I need to put down in black and white is that I have mould growing on my pans. The pans that I used to cook a meal 11 days ago which still haven't been washed sad so disgusted and disgusting at the moment but I don't know how to change that. Well I do physically but don't know how to make myself physically move my body to do it IYSWIM.

It will all be sorted before my mum.arrives...cos I will blitz the place and bribe the dcs to help. This is so not fair on them sad

Thanks for.listening to me rant.

Oh and I've been on fluoxetine since mid Oct. Initially 20mg per day but.increased to 40mg per day after about 3 weeks. Still being reviewed by Dr every month.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 19-Dec-12 10:28:48

Edwinia having been in a similar space myself, I would say focus on having a shower. I have in the past spent days trying to make myself have one, knowing how much better it would make me feel didn't seem to help, but eventually I would have a 10 second feeling of motivation, then I rushed to the shower before I could change my mind! And it did help.

Flylady has an emergency clear up strategy. I have also done the blitz before Christmas, fine once I got going, but be careful of burn out.

Maybe you could do with a change of AD after Christmas?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 19-Dec-12 12:17:49

edwinia - if my DH wasnt here to do the washing, cleaning, cooking i would be in the exact same state - dont beat yourself up. Do what you can, when you can. There is nothing wrong in getting the kids to pitch in.

Would your mother be sympathetic if you told her you were struggling?
I agree if you still feel like this and have been on the ADs since oct i would look at changing them - its a pain in the arse but would be worth it to feel better.

Thanks guys.

I haven't got onto the ADs thread yet. I slept till noon and then have been on the go ever since.

I still haven't managed a shower, but I have dealt with all the mouldy pots.

Tomorrow will be hair dye and shower day. It has to be. I have to put on my face the world face on Friday for dds assembly at 9...and therapist is going to think I'm miles ahead of where I am cos I will have a smile painted on. Ho hum...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 19-Dec-12 22:00:15

well done for dealing with the pots. i have days where i can, and days where i cant. My lounge and kitchen need hoovering daily, but they havent seen sight nor sound of it for 3 days.

would a bath help more than a shower? sometimes i feel better in the evening so i tend to have a bath then, rather than step into a cold bathroom for a shower.

be honest with your therapist - how you look on the outside is no reflection of how you feel on the inside - i speak from personal experience here - no one woul have a clue that im struggling just now. not unless i told them. (or they popped around to see me and found me in bed....but no one comes here so thats not likely)

Thanks....just to let you know I'm showered!

Smelling fresh

No grey hairs


Right that's me done for the day...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 20-Dec-12 13:15:40

that deserves a smile ive not washed my face yet....i might have a pj day as i have no place to be today. ill see how i feel in a bit - i struggled to get up today.

Thanks. It took half an hour of procrastination. But I did it.

Did you get up?

I can't believe how hard getting out of bed is. I probably wouldn't have done it if I wasn't meeting a friend. I just cannot motivate myself, so unfortunately I can't offer any tips. Just company.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 20-Dec-12 20:11:28

half an hour is good!

i got up but not until noon, i was awake i just couldnt drag myself out of bed, plus i had a cat sat on me and i didnt want to kick her off....she looked so comfy.

i must try to motivate myself tomorrow - i have cards to deliver. or i might do it Saturday....i want some new earrings that i can wear and leave in for work (so plainish studs) and DH says he will get me some for xmas, but i wouldnt trust him to chose them for me! i might motivate myself to go and look on Saturday and deliver the cards then too. two stone. im finding the smallest of tasks ridiculously exhausting.

Yeah...well when I say half an hour...

I actually got up and took dcs to xps. Went home and got back in bed and slept till nearly 10 (woken by phone).

Arranged to meet a friend at 12.

Procrastinated for half hour, eventually getting up and getting to friends about 12:15.

If I don't have anywhere to be I don't get up til 3:30 so 12 is good.

Tomorrow I have to stay at school after school no going back to bad after. Then I have therapist, then take a friend to town...I might manage an afternoon nap but dtds are home from school early so unlikely.

Could you do the cards tomorrow and then earrings on sat then you have tasks for 2 seperate days?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 20-Dec-12 21:57:52

i should try and do that because it would give me a focus.

i also need to tidy the tip of a house on sat in readyness for my sis coming on sunday for a visit and xmas....dh will be working flat out until monday so wont be able to help - his last shift is traditionally a good 14 hours or more.

DS has just told me his GF is coming tomorrow at 9.30 anyway so i will have to be up or look like a terrible lazy cah....

At the moment visitors are my only motivation for tidying.

I can do a good job when I am expecting someone. Even if they cancel I have done it.

My conservatory is my dumping ground tho cos I keep the door shut. That needs some hard work cos that will be our christmas dining room...I even have buckets we used for pumpkin carving I haven't cleaned....yuk.

I saw my therapist for the 1st time 3 weeks ago. She gave me a booklet to read and work through. I started reading it 10mins ago and there is stuff I should have been doing...oops...

I have another dilema. When I was introduced to my therapist she gave a speil about confidentiality. As part of that she said she would have to break confidentiality if certain things were revealed, but I can't remember the exact words.

This freaked me and when I was asked at the end if I had any painful memories from my childhood I lied, because there was stuff that would have come under the umbrella of her (probably) needing to break confidentiality. Now I don't think I need any treatment for that history...but it is part of who I am now...and feel guilty for not disclosing. But I don't know if I should.

If I do disclose I.don't think it would go any further cos no-one is currently at risk because the others involved are now deceased...but I don't know...I just don't see the relevance of digging it back up...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 20-Dec-12 22:40:42

i think actually that she would keep that confidence - she means things like if you suddenly disclosed that you were a domestic abuser or somesuch. historical abuse would be kept confidential.

i disclosed historical abuse to my occupational health counsellor - it went no further and never will.

i think you need to be honest, it will help.

Thanks. I think your right. I guess she would be looking for my children being at risk kind of scenarios?

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 20-Dec-12 22:52:43

no. i doubt it. i think she would be duty bound to disclose if you were to reveal that something criminal was happening now, but saying something happened to you in the past would not provoke any breach of confidentiality.

i had rewind therapy which is brilliant, very successful and worked within 20 minutes - 1 session took the pain out of the memory.

i would urge you to be honest - if you are having counselling then make the most of it.

NanaNina Fri 21-Dec-12 00:02:35

Hi Vicar - glad that you don't have the worry of work hanging over you. How long did the GP sign you off for and did she say to keep on with the sertraline. I've had a few bad mornings (forcing myself up at 12.30!) but have improved fair bit by early afternoon. I wondered what you meant about the support thread for people on ADs - how do I get on that? I thought there was only this MH thread but my IT skills are very limited.

Incidentally I'm so glad you have that re-wind therapy (EMDR) for childhood trauma as so many MNs have said how helpful it has been, when other therapies have not helped at all, especially the ones where you have to keep going over and over what happend to you, which I am sure is emotionally exhausting. I think so often people who are suffering from PTSD don't get the right diagnosis so don't get the right therapy.

Hi Edwinia so sorry to hear you are another sufferer, and have the same kind of emotional paralysis that depression brings, amongst other things of course!

Re the issue of confidentiality and what your therapist said about maybe having to break it. I think it's important that you ask her to repeat what she said about this. It certainly won't be anything about your past, and you must be honest about childhood stuff cus a therapist can only help if we are honest. It won't be about your children either, as many mums think that if they are mentally ill, social workers will take their children away and this is NOT the case. I was a socialworker for 30 years (now retired) and I can absolutely assure you that children are not removed from parents whoa re mentally ill, unless they are being significantly harmed.

I think what the therapist means is that if you say you are suicidal and have made a plan to end it all, and she believes that there is a real danger that you are going to carry this through, she would feel duty bound to alert the MH team or your GP or CPN. She might do the same if she felt you were a danger to yourself (as described above) or to others (and this would mean that if you had a psychotic illness, as in being out of touch with reality, you could be a danger to yourself or others, because people who have a psychotic illness don't realise there is anything wrong with them.

But rather than second guessing, just tell her that you remember her talking about confidentiality and possibly having to break that, but you didn't take it in at the time and so could you discuss this again. It's really important that you don't hold anything back as Vicar says, because you are worrying about this issue.

Oh well the midnight hour has approached so off to bed.
Hoping my Headmonster has a nice long sleep over Christmas!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 21-Dec-12 00:13:14

hi nana

this is the support thread for anyone interested

everyone on there is lovely and its nice to feel you are not alone. smile

gp signed me off for 4 weeks and said yes to continue with the sertraline. im sticking with it but i do hope it doesnt affect how tired i am for working nights. at the minute i am just exhausted.

the rewind therapy is ever so slightly different to EDMR but was fantastic - i didnt have to go over what happened either - just found a starting memory and a finishing memory....then everything inbetween was kept in my head for the procedure which only took about 20 mins and was very relaxing. afterwards - jobs a gud un!

hope headmonster stays dormant over xmas for you.... also desperate to go to bed but DS has gone out and promised to be home for 11.30.....angry he is so flipping selfish sometimes. ive no idea if he has a key and i wont sleep until he is home - he has special needs and i will worry until he gets home. he walked his friends home at 10.30....wonder where he is.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Fri 21-Dec-12 10:43:31

Hi vicar, they are selfish as that age. But perhaps he had a key and assumed you knew?

nana I PM'd you about service user involvement.

NanaNina Fri 21-Dec-12 14:06:59

Thanks Vicar but how do I find it - I thought all support stuff was just on this MH thread? Glad you got signed off for 4 weeks - proper thing too.

Sorry STP I've only just seen your PM. Will answer later.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 21-Dec-12 16:11:27

NN - my last post ^ up there - click on the purple writing and it takes you to the support thread. i linked it so you could find it.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Fri 21-Dec-12 16:22:48

No hurry nina - didn't mean my last post to sound so brusque...

NanaNina Fri 21-Dec-12 22:31:54

Vicar I was able to click on the link and yes I found it ....! but I was wondering how I would find it without the link if you see what I mean.
No worries STPC I didn't think your post was brusque. Just back from DIL's birthday bash - well not much bashing for me and DP - i felt so old among all the young things! Full of cold and coughing but no matter as long as the HM stays asleep - in fact I would like him to into a coma and die!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 21-Dec-12 22:56:45

stick the thread in your watch list NN....just beneath the topic header at the very top of the page, where it says Topics >> mental health - just beneath that it says :
start new thread in this topic / watch this thread / flip this thread/ etc etc etc

click on "watch this thread" and it will add it to your watch list....

then just click on "im watching" where it says 'Active / im on / im watching'

then you can always find it! hth! x

The thread is within the mental health section.

Not hanging around long cos shattered. Had 12hrs out of the house non stop today, including seeing therapist this morning.

My goals are to be out of bed by 8am Mon-fri and 9am w/ends, and dressed an hour later. I have to be in pjs by 9pm and my bed is only for sleeping in (ie when I go to bed I shouldn't be taking my phone and book with me).

Hmm...not sure how successful this is going to be....

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 21-Dec-12 23:05:56

edwinia i wish i had your discipline. sounds very good to me. i should try that....

Erm...I don't have discipline.

These goals are set by my therapist...

I tried negotiating...and failed.

I am taking my phone to bed, but I shall switch it off before I go (charger is in bedroom) and I shall read in bed cos it is the only place I do read.

I have 6 weeks before I see 10am will do me tomorrow....

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 21-Dec-12 23:25:25

absolutely - work up to it!

i wish is lived a normal working life where i could do this too. one day maybe....shifts give me the worst excuse ever to stay in bed late because i justify it with working late (and then nights which kill me if i dont work myself around to them by staying up later and later each night)

its a bit of a bugger for normality.

Maybe I could make it 11am tomorrow...counts how many days in 6 weeks....then 10:55 the next day grin

To be fair I can't go straight back to bed now cos kids are off school, so this is the ideal time to break the habit.

Apparently this will help me develop a 'healthy routine' which will help me function....yeah but I have to be bothered to do it...

I'm buggered if I'm setting an alarm....but I will work out a way to force myself out of bed once I'm awake...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 21-Dec-12 23:41:28

edwinia - it all sounds so familiar to me. my problem is my shifts enable me...i long for a normal 9 - 5 routine sometimes (even though it would kill me) it all feels so much more normal.

its a good job my DH is the forgiving type who is not averse to housework...

right now, im managing the house quite well. but its a different story when im working and i feel like my days off are so well earnt i find it so hard to motivate myself to do anything.
i realised today that my anxiety levels are not less on the sertraline. im not sure if that means i should be upping the dose but am worried about the side effects all over again.

HellesBelles396 Sat 22-Dec-12 00:10:40

I find if I allow myself to stay in bed and/or in pyjamas for even a few minutes, those minutes turn in to hours. Then I hate myself and getting up gets harder and harder. I've just finished work for two weeks so I'm going to try getting up as soon as I wake up (as long as it's after 6 - I wake up a lot during the night), getting showered and dressed immediately. That's 2 successes straightaway though it will probably leave me exhausted - but so does staying in bed!

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 22-Dec-12 00:21:51

Don't up your dose without consulting a professional again, Vicar. It is still relatively early days. Monitor your states (depression and anxiety) - you could even rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 - at your review (I assume you have a review date?) this will help identify whether you should continue on them, and if not, what would be the most suitable AD to change to. It can take a while to work out what is best.

I am lucky that I never really suffered from anxiety, only depression (sometimes accompanied by a sort of diffuse dread)

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 22-Dec-12 00:26:35

dont worry silver i wouldnt do anything without GP say so. i have a revue on new years eve.

i just realised today that anxiety is still an issue - i drove DD mad as i had to go out for a bit, leaving her alone (she is 15 1/2!!) and my constant wittering at her about keys being accessible and being careful on the stairs etc etc made me realise i am no better on that front. She ended up shouting at me to just go....

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 22-Dec-12 00:45:36

It's good you're noticing all this - study your monster smile

HellesBelles396 Sat 22-Dec-12 09:09:15

update on plan not to hibernate: still in bed sad

marriedandwreathedinholly Sat 22-Dec-12 09:29:05

I haven't read all of this. Cannot spend a morning on Mnet today. But because it's you Vicar - yes you - the important, funny, fond of you with a dd near the age of mine.

Got a better job - tick
Got through probation - tick
Got qualifications (with a family in the background) - tick
Got a DH who cares and wants to be involved - tick
Learning to ride - tick (I sometimes go for a ride if I'm really pissed off)

Having a tough time
Very tired
Feeling guilty

The ticks outweigh the other stuff.

You need to get some help with the stress and the depression - it says volumes if your l/m is also off with stress. Get it sorted and find some techniques to help in the short term. Only when you are recovered will you be able to rationalise if it is the job or if it goes deeper than that but you need to get yourself in a better place to make that decision. Is there any counselling available through work schemes. I would have thought there should be.

You could also go to your managers with a list of what you have to do and what you can't reasonably do so they too have to take some responsibility for your work load, especially as you are unwell.

I know in the year after our ds2 died I could have stayed in bed and stopped going out to face people. I may have overcompensated the other way and I forced myself out of bed and to do full hair and make-up every day and gave myself a list of three things that I had to do. I don't know if you can do that or if you need some help first but it helped to get me through even though I remember little of that year and ds1 certainly got very little engaged parenting.

Update on instructions to get out of bed by 9am....still in bed sad

I am getting up soon tho cos having a blitz day. This isn't going to be too challenging whilst the kids are off cos my routine is completely different....

knackeredoutmum Sat 22-Dec-12 10:10:33

tutu, how are you doing? When is your next gp review? I think youve been on your meds for a few weeks now and arent feeling much better? Maybe they will increse your dose for three weeks and if no improvement or side effects still too great they will change you onto something else?

Dont worry about work. They would rather you were of for 3 months and came back fit than of or three weeks and just became ill again straight away

Still in bed but need a wee about to get up.

This is unbelievably hard. Irrationally hard.

NanaNina Sat 22-Dec-12 11:38:57

I think it's all very well for therapists to tell us what time to get up and not isolate ourselves under the duvet etc., but they don't know the horror of depression and anxiety. It seems irrationally hard ER but it isn't because depression is irrational, so how can we act rationally when in this state. Personally I think that our body is telling us what to do when we are very depressed - to withdraw - that's what sick animals do, they go and hide somewhere.

I know for most of you young mums on here you can't always withdraw because of young children but I would follow your intuition. Yes you do have to get up at some stage and it is a huge effort because somehow the pain is less in bed isn't it and I think that's because we feel safer there than anywhere else.

I have read a lot of stuff on depression but one bit I remember is someone talking about climbing the hill to recovery and slipping off the path, but suddenly you remember seeing a warm cave just a little way down, so you can go and stay there for a while until you feel ready to get back on the path again.

When I was in hopsital (psych ward) we had to get up at 9.30 showered, dressed etc and then sit doing practicaly nothing all day! They all have this obsession with getting up......when my HM is rampaging around my head I give myself "permission" to withdraw under the duvet till 12.30 - then I make the huge effort to get up and try to carry on.........

Warm wishes to everyone suffering this horrid illness.

HellesBelles396 Sat 22-Dec-12 12:16:59

it's so dark today. finally showered and dressed but only because ds needs a haircut and has an appointment in ten minutes. now just need to leave the house.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sat 22-Dec-12 12:25:28

It's all gloomy and rainy here. Have to admit still in dressing gown - even though I am not depressed now I still find it hard to get up!

I was in hospital twenty years ago, and oh how I wanted to sleep! (not surprising after hypomanically being awake for 4 days) But no, it wasn't allowed to go back to bed. Day room was full of people curled uncomfortably in too-small chairs trying to get a bit of shut-eye.

Also been in nine years ago, and this year. What a change! Allowed to sleep at will, get up when wanted (though gentle suggestion of getting up if too long in bed)

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 22-Dec-12 17:43:07

hi all

Helles and Edwinia i was no better at getting up either - but then i stayed up ridiculously late last night.

married thank you - i wont make any life changing decisions just yet.

it was gloomy and dark all day but i did get out to visit two different elderly ex neighbours who i still visit from where i used to live - spent all afternoon with them which was lovely actually. One of them (the couple i used to live next door to) used to love my DS and him having AS meant that at 7 he used to go next door to our neighbours who were then in their 70s and play dominoes and listen to George Formby with Mr P! They are desperate to see DS so im going to go back with him in the next few days - that will give me something to do at least on one day.

Ive got my Endoscopy appointment through today too. <wibble>

Feeling ok today once i got going. getting going took some doing mind.

NanaNina Sat 22-Dec-12 19:37:35

Hi Vicar glad you're doing so much better and my HM is sound asleep. Just a word of advice about the endoscopy - they offer it with a local anaesthetic or without out, and the info I got was very much pointing you towards not having a local because of the recovery time after (a few hours I think) so I opted for what they recommended. They spray your throat with something horrid and said it tasted of "banana" - not to me it didn't. Then they slide a tube down your throad with a camera on it. It doesn't take long and the nurse was kind and help my head gently in place while the procedure was done. However if ever I have to have it done again I will go for the local anaesthetic. A friend of mine did this and said she just felt a bit tired after and couldn't drive for a few hours but that's all, and they keep you in for an hour or so after.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 22-Dec-12 20:06:05

thank you NN - i am so terrified of the endo that ive asked for the sedation. the very thought of the whole thing gives me the heeby jeebies, so im going to ask for both the numbing spray and the sedation. DH is going to come with me so he can drive me home after.

glad your HM is snoozing. long may that reign. x

marriedandwreathedinholly Sat 22-Dec-12 20:10:05

vicar the thought of it is far worse than what actually happens. All will be well.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 22-Dec-12 20:43:19

thank you married i was so truly terrified of it i had started a thread the other day in general health....much reassured by lots of folk who have had it. im still dreading it but just want it over with and im defo taking the sedation....i want to be as sedated as humanly possible! then i need to have another procedure that see a tube up my nose to view my vocal body seems to be failing me lately. mind and body poorly just now.

marriedandwreathedinholly Sat 22-Dec-12 20:58:39

Have you had a fully thyroid function test Vic.

The only time I had an emotional wobble and felt totally exhausted and had terrible tummy troubles for about three years before that was immediately before I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid. It might be worth asking to have the levels checked.

Good luck - take care. x

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 22-Dec-12 22:33:10

ive had a few i think married but the last one was last April. they keep telling me all is well so ive just no idea....starting to feel like a hypochondriac.

thank you, im sure it there is anything really off it will be found.

Swe Vicar. My mums had several and each time although she has had a local it has sent her to sleep.

Well I wish I hadn't bothered to get out of bed....

DD3 (6) escaped from the house (she went to play next door, I knew where she was but thought she was locked now I need to hide my keys).

DD3 now has the vomiting bug

My blitzing has seriously slowed as I have been trying not to neglect DD3

I've locked myself out of my bank account by being unable to remember my PIN (I was trying a PIN from an account I haven't used for 2 years...).

I can't pay my credit card which was due today (well yesterday I guess now) cos I am locked out of my bank.

I am feeling queasy...hope I don't end up ill...#

I have to be out of bed at 8am tomorrow as I am picking a friend up at 8:30 to go food shopping....

I still haven't worked out how much and how to tell my mum I am off sick and haven't finished PGCE... (think there was a question earlier about how supportive she would be...that would be OK. My relationship with my mum hasn't been brilliantly close. I suspended my PGCE to help care for her terminally ill she will feel horribly horribly guilty and that she has a part to play in my breakdown so I feel that I have to be really careful IYSWIM).

Well. Suppose I better go to bed....who knows what tomorrow will bring...whatever it is I am not looking forward to it.

Night peeps.

Well I guess you're all still in bed grin

I am too. My alarms been going off for 36 minutes.

I keep pressing snooze.

I'm meeting a friend in 23 minutes and I'm still under my duvet and dd3 is still asleep...

HellesBelles396 Sun 23-Dec-12 09:24:33

I got up! Half nine, breakfast eaten, a load in the washer and about to shower. we actually have daylight here smile

NanaNina Sun 23-Dec-12 13:46:39

Sorry Vicar I didn't mean to scare you over the endo - it's really not that bad, but if you have the local you won't need your throat sprayed cus you will be very sleepy. My friend had it done that way and was fine.

OMG ER didn't realise you were doing the PGCE - that is a terrible rush even whe you're well.

Am off to Center Parcs in the Lake District with family 14 in all. Have already taken 2 diazes......HM asleep but I feel lousy with head cold and shivering and then hot - I don't want to go (hope I'll be OK when I am there) as DP and me have our own apt with nice comfy bed!

Do hope all of us manage to get through Christmas and have a better 2013.

Love to all..............NNx

HellesBelles396 Sun 23-Dec-12 22:01:07

I have reached an epiphany (well, a realisation has gradually dawned on me). today I scheduled cleaning the house, going to church, catching up with laundry, making a knitting needle roll, exchanging gifts with besty, delivering my share of the church Christmas cards and shopping for Christmas day outfit (gift from mum and dad).
What have I achieved: have outfit, started (barely) knitting needle roll, put two loads of washing through, went to church.
Maybe this is why I always think I'm pants. maybe I try to crush too much into good days to make up for doing so little on bad days!

NN - have a great time away. Do whatever makes you comfortable and enjoy whatever time you are able to spend being sociable. Merry Christmas x

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sun 23-Dec-12 22:23:35

Ha! I keep getting that realisation, every few weeks then I forget again

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 23-Dec-12 22:46:17

i do the same - DH always says i try and do too much at once in a day....might be the common denominator!

i awoke really horribly early this morning fretting and couldnt get back to sleep until gone that meant i slept until 10.

i did get out for a riding lesson which was lovely, its nice to concentrate on something so fully for an hour that i forget everything else.

im not sure whether to ask the gp to sign me off until after the endo....ive got to come off my reflux meds which means i will end up coughing - but it seems cheeky. that said - i arent convinced the sertraline is working to full effect yet if my anxiety levels are anything to go by.

im loathe to ask about upping the dose though as the side effects will get me all over again. in a bit of a quandary about it.

NN i hope you have a lovely time at centre parcs. i really wish i had had a holiday this year, might not be on my knees now....

have a great xmas everyone. x

When they upped my fluoxetine I didn't find the additional side effects as bad as when I first starting them so you might be ok and if you need them you need them.

That's interesting cos when saw my therapist I was saying that I know what I am doing 'wrong' but I can't stop myself stay in bed. We talked about having a reason to get up...I ended up saying that I wanted to make a list of 'jobs' at night for the following day. She jumped right on me and told me that was far too much too soon and that I was setting myself up for failure because I would not acheive it.

The goals she has set for me are about me developing a healthy routine which keeps me away from my bed. As I said previously it is to be out of bed and dressed by a certain time. She told me tasks aren't important goals at the mo.

Anyways. I was up, dressed, and at Tesco by 9am!!!

I've been exhausted ever since and sat around on sofa for a few hours trying to motivate myself to tidy house. In the end dd3 (6) told me off for playing on candy crush on my phone and forced me to work. And then told me off every time I stopped.

Tomorrow dm is arriving. I have downstairs floors to do, my bedroom and bathroom before she arrives. Also have to pick up my meat from butchers before 1pm. I have no idea what time she is arriving so I HAVE to get out of bed. I still have dd3s tablet to set up before I go to bed so it is going to be so so so hard if not impossible sad

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 23-Dec-12 23:53:52

sympathies ed i have to be up tomorrow too - i need to nip into town and then go to the stables to drop off a pressie for riding instructor, and am taking DS who is doing a website for her so wants to see the place....and ive got Dsis and nephew visiting tomorrow too. DD tidied up today while i languished in bed...her boyfriend was coming today and she hates him coming to a mess, its the only time she pitches in but she does it and does a good job.

im not going to put huge pressure on myself - ill set alarm for 8.30 and aim to be up for 9.

out for 10. im going to walk to town, fresh air will be good. (plus its quicker than driving)

not going anywhere too manic and avoiding the supermarket....

right. best get to bed. good luck tomorrow ed. you can do it. rant here if it gets too much. x

Tablet sorted so I'm off to bed with my phone to play games.

Feel a bit more positive about getting up in the morning now smile

Good luck tomorrow vicar and I do hope that everyone has something positive to report over the next few days smile

HellesBelles396 Mon 24-Dec-12 06:28:30

Good luck everyone!

My list of jobs for today:
finish sewing mum's Christmas gift
tidy house
have fun (if I have enough energy left!)


VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Mon 24-Dec-12 21:22:53

well. i went into town early and did what i needed to do. went to stables (always boosts my mood) and stayed chatting, then had my visitors this pm.

all good. im going to go to bed soon, forgot my AD tonight but remembered just now and took it.

looking forward to tomorrow. its just us, at home, a relaxed day with no pressure - dh is cooking (he is such a love).

best of luck for tomorrow all - have a great day. will see you all on boxing day!

HellesBelles396 Mon 24-Dec-12 21:42:53

you too!

finished sewing mum's Christmas present - by hand after the sewing machine broke!
left cleaning/hoovering and decamped to mum's!

tired now but waiting for ds to sleep so can transfer contents of the boot to under the tree.

merry Christmas to all and to all a good night xx

Well I got up about 10. Had hoped for earlier.

Did butchers whilst dtds sorted floors.

I had started on my bedroom when dm arrived. I finally finished bedroom and bathroom at about 7. I have also cooked and cleaned up after lunch.

But right now I am chilling. Everything is prepped for lunch. All pressies are wrapped. Just waiting for dcs to go to bed then I can complete the jobs and get to bed.

My mother is here til thurs. she doesn't know I'm ill let alone the extent of how ill I am.

I too have forgotten my ads today. Will have to sneak into kitchen later to take them.

I feel in control of tomorrow. I feel anxious about facing my mum with anything close to the truth.

Happy Christmas and hope you can all get out of bed to enjoy tomorrow smile

HellesBelles396 Tue 25-Dec-12 08:02:01

After a sod of a day yesterday, I feel pretty good today. I think because I'm at mum's and, therefore, responsible for nothing (she thinks I'm 6 - despite 12yo ds).
If anything I'm a little manic - fidgety, etc.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Tue 25-Dec-12 09:47:34

A day to regress to childhood chill out with no responsibilities sounds great smile

I'm in control here.

I am currently in the kitchen cooking. I have a list of what to do when so I know what I'm doing.

I'm very tired and want my bed. Still awake at 2am...Santa has such an exhausting life. Awake about 4 for a bit and then up about 6:45 (i would make my therapist proud lol!)

I really really want my bed now.

Very nervy and very short fuse. My kids between them have got a tablet AMD 2 New smart phones. I can't walk aacross the room without being asked 'muuum how do I xxxx' or 'whats xxx email address' or can you answer your email. It's not making me sad but it is stressing me. Christmas as a single parent to 3 is tough. I can barely hold 1 conversation let alone 3 at once. We will get there tho.

Hope everyone else is enjoying their childish days...I'm about to open the wine.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Tue 25-Dec-12 15:46:54

Am cooking roast beef dinner just for me and DCat smile The joy of only having to peel 7 sprouts!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Tue 25-Dec-12 18:41:15

DH has been a star here - DD dragged me out of bed at 7am but after presents DH told me to go back to bed while he sorted dinner.

i got up again much later blush and he had everything under control. he is a star.

chilling now with wine and cold meats for tea!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Tue 25-Dec-12 18:41:37

DH did the full xmas lunch.....and the kids washed up!

HellesBelles396 Tue 25-Dec-12 20:47:07

Have done nothing but now struggling to put up with DM's repetitive wittering! Think I'll head to bed. Merry Christmas all x

Can't believe no-ones posted today. I hope that doesn't mean you've all stayed in bed. I could of done quite easily. I didn't get up till nearly 11 but I was sleeping not wallowing smile

I've been to the sales shopping. Could quite easily of retired to bed at 6:30 but I couldn't cos dm here. She doesn't know I'm ill and I have had a really significant tremor all day (forgot my.meds Christmas eve and didn't take them till late yesterday). I can't believe she hasn't noticed and been inquisitive about it.

Anyway, I'm in bed now, and she's going first thing tomorrow so I suspect I will veg all day.

Hope everyone's had a positive day with lots of family support rather than hinderence. vicar your family sound wonderfully supportive.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 26-Dec-12 22:24:33

im lurking ed!

i had family over too - dsis and her boy. was nice. also did xmas today for DS friend who got nothing for xmas sad so that busied me....he came over tonight and we did games and movie and busy here which is good.

that said - also wallowed late in bed. went back to bed yesterday sleeping tons.
going to have a pj day tomorrow until later when im visiting my riding instructor so ds can talk web site ideas....
DH back to work tomorrow. DH is wonderful to me and very supportive, i realise i am lucky.

ed how do you think your mum would react if you told her? i hate to think of you soldiering on alone....

I dunno. I just feel so guilty that she would feel guilty and associate this with her bereavement. I also don't want to outdo her on being more affected by his death. Of course that is a contributary factor in my current position. But that's all it is contributary. One of the many stresses I've been thru and bottled up over the last couple of years.

I'm not particularly close to her - emotionally or geographically. There isn't a great deal she could do practically.

On the other hand I think that telling her that I am con.sidering giving up the PGCE may release quite a lot of anxiety...dunno if that would make it easier to deal with or not...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 26-Dec-12 22:38:58

would talking to her help? could she advise? would it just be a weight off if you told her - you could just be totally honest and say its not just the bereavement - but a culmination of things.

i would hang fire on doing anything at life changing the min - im doing the same. i would dearly love to jack in my job and just find anything....but im trying not to make life changing decisions while i know im feeling vulnerable and not myself. i dont want to do anything i might regret.

id just hang fire with the pgce - just for now if you can.

I am hanging fire...nobody will let me make that decision smile

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Wed 26-Dec-12 22:48:49

i think thats sensible making myself do the same. i worked so bloody hard to get into the police....really hard. it took 2 years, all those tests....the fitness test alone nearly killed me....and i could walk away tomorrow.

im trying to just hang fire too. i need some perspective before i do it.

I'm up.

I'm not dressed tho.

I'm going back to bed as soon as dm leaves

Back in my safe place.

Don't tell my therapist.

It's my christmas pressie to myself.

I'll get up later for a bit...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 27-Dec-12 19:24:13

you did better than me ed today. I just could not get up this morning at all - it was noon when i surfaced.

im still not dressed now. not brushed my hair either. or washed my face, was waiting for a text from riding instructor about going there tonight to work on website but heard nothing so stayed in pjs..... and then to top it off work rang me - old supervisor is back and was ringing "to see how you are" ive told him ive got a sick note for a month and will forward it on....its still sat in the drawer. So that has set me off wittering about work all over again and i really dont think i want to go back....

Not so sure about that....I've been up about an hour. I was up for about an hour this morning.

Had 2 naps.

Read a hundred + pages.

Did a lot of mnetting.

Talking of sicknotes...I must send mine in...I've 2 to send of which I've lost.

Oh well tomorrow I must get up. Dcs come home but not until after tea. My challenge is to get up and go out. Need to head into town to exchange a onsie. Need to head the other direction to exchange a pair of cushions. Need to get to the supermarket to get some bits.

Need to hide some bday pressies I got in the sale and need to wrap some pressies.
Also need to tidy the house and have a shower.
If I can get 5 of those done it would be a miracle...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 27-Dec-12 20:33:14

ive also got to try and get out to the supermarket tomorrow....whether it happens or not is another matter altogether.

im back to see gp on monday. im not sure the sertaline is actually doing anything at all.... i just want to sleep.

I'm not convinced my ads are doing anything either,but if I miss a dose I have awful trembling the following day so they must be doing something.

Have you thought about what you would do if you didn't go back to work?

Right...I'm about to move...I'm going to hang a lampshade, put some washing in, feed the guinea pig and get myself some Christmas pudding and a drink.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 27-Dec-12 21:45:51

ive absolutely no idea what i would do. no idea at all. its so disheartening to have worked towards something only to come to the conclusion its not for me.

enjoy your drink. im going to have a baileys and a mince pie shortly.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Thu 27-Dec-12 22:22:40

actually the roof of my mouth is very sore.....i am plagued with ulcers and im worried about the amount i drink.....thats another thing i need to knock on the head.

Oops...I was going to get up early today...I've only just woken up...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 28-Dec-12 10:56:28

i woke up at 8.40 and let the dog out but went back to bed, got up again at 10.20. need to get dressed today and go shopping. yuk.

I might of woke up at 7, went to the toilet and back to sleep. I was quite full of energy then so I didn't expect to sleep so long.

Oh well, it won't hurt if I read for a bit will it???

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Fri 28-Dec-12 21:07:50

wont hurt at all....

ive ignored a call from occy health today....well i missed it and it went to answer phone, but im not intending to call them back until next week... im dreading this. and i have no plan B.

Did you get dressed and go shopping?

Well I dragged myself out of bed at lunchtime. Put a load of washing in, did some exchanges, went shopping, got some bargains in sale, had a cuppa with a friend, cooked tea for about 12 (there are 4 of us...) Stopped and lounged for 20mins...found it a real struggle to tidy up after tea, wrapped DN's pressies.

So I did quite a few things on my list (maybe all but showered?) So on paper I have acheived a lot. I dp.t feel as tho I have tho as my house is a hideous tip...lounge covered in gifts, kitchen covered in baking trays and roasting dishes...

I have half a plan B but ignored my tutors for last 3 weeks...

Tomorrow will be a tough day. Got to. E out of the house by 10:30 and got to shower first...which means me out of bed by about 9...eek. and got to face my mother again...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 29-Dec-12 00:27:58

thats an awful lot of your list done today ed so i would concentrate on the positives! i think you did loads!

i did go to supermarket but no shower here either and hair went in a bun. and i was exhausted from it - just a tiny little trip out.
i currently have 2 baskets (big ones) of washing in the kitchen, DD has resorted to washing her own clothes (often on at a time....confused) and all tonights pots sit unwashed.

DH is scaring me (not intentionally but he is now talking about me going back to work and has burst my bubble a bit)
i could quite happily live the rest of my life as a hermit. Thats not really much of a plan B though is it....

"job title"?
" the frog but with a H...."

i need that plan b.

HellesBelles396 Sat 29-Dec-12 09:12:13

A hermit and a housewife are too different things! For me, I know my loneliness contributes to my depression so not working would make me worse - if it were an option.

I found a tip on a website which I think I might try: on slips of paper, write down each day's achievements/highlights and put them in a jar. Read them on the following NYE. I think that I'd probably read them when I needed a lift.

The other thing I came across which I intend to make use of was dawn french (on desert island discs) saying that she told herself she was the sort of person who opened one woman shows so she did and the sort of person who wrote a novel so she did.

Here we go then: I am the sort of person who gets up before 9.30! Wish me luck smile

Snap with yesterdays hairstyle grin

I know I did loads...but it was all out of the house and I look around my house and it looks like a pigsty then I feel down. I am out all day today too. If I get out of the house I can keep myself out of bed too...which I guess is a positive but doesn't help my pigsty and invariably means me spending money I don't have...sick student =no income (other than tax credits and child benefit...)

Tonights pots?!? I have the roasting tray from Xmas day still soaking...and my George Forman from Xmas breakfast is still covered in fat...which means I have nowhere to put my recycling...I must deal with that...

Anyway I'm supposed to be doing a behavioural activation diary which I think would help if I was actually doing it...I'm out for the (well I shall be out of bed and in the shower as soon as I have posted this and another thread...) But I shall explain as it might help some. Sounds like a shorter term Nye pot in some ways...and I think we need to be looking at short term at the mo...I certainly do...

I agree lounging around is making me worse...I Lind of regret being signed off sick and not muddling through...I might never go back...although I did dream about going back last night...another bubble burst here.

Anyways...I must get in the shower...wishing you all a good and positive day smile

I am allowed to wait for the bathroom to warm up right?!?....please....

HellesBelles396 Sat 29-Dec-12 10:09:36

I think i should put the heating on a timer, I use waiting for the heating to warm up (after I've been down and switched it on) as an excuse not to get up!

am breakfasting now - somewhat impeded by having not washed up for days sad that's my next job sad sad sad

HellesBelles396 Sat 29-Dec-12 15:11:18

Washing up added to - not washed.

Still in pyjamas - not showered and dressed.

Old house insurance policy cancelled - after paying for two policies since october!

Cups of tea drunk: 12 (important to stay hydrated during winter months)

Items ordered from Amazon: 8 (mostly necessary as going camping in a fortnight)

Guests for lunch (despite my pyjama'd state): 3 (BF + 2DS's)

Worlds set to rights: 1

Ferrero Rocher's eaten: 4 smile

New targets for tomorrow:
up by 0930
showered by 1100

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 29-Dec-12 16:07:39

well im up, bathed and dressed, took ds shopping for a suit for interviews so am £120 lighter of pocket. id like to think he will pay me back...ill hold on to that fantasy for a while longer.

ive had a bowl of cereal and a piece of xmas cake. 3 cuppas. not done much else. hair semi done (up in a clip) but neat and tidy and clean - cant be bothered to put face on despite going now back and ready for hibernation.

i should set my alarm tomorrow. im so exhausted though, ive no idea why.

HellesBelles396 Sat 29-Dec-12 16:32:38

1. It's dark
2. Shopping with any ds is ridiculously hard work
3. 1 bowl of cereal and 1 slice of Christmas Cake only give 1/4 of the calories the average woman requires in a day (assuming average portion sizes - 1/2 of day's calories if northern portions - as consumed in my house!). Although both provide carbohydrate, fat, some protein and minerals, there is a lack of vitamins and not enough protein. A chicken stir fry, or similar, with lots of veg should solve that. DS can make as thank you for suit-shopping wink
4. A body requires at least 1.5 litres of fluids a day. A tea cup holds about 200ml so your body wants at least another 5 cuppas. Put t'kettle on, luv brew

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 29-Dec-12 16:45:32

just sent DH to do it...

definitely need to start eating healthily again - though am still picking through cold meats and cheeses...i suspect that may be dinner tonight.

right. brews up!

I'm back. Just got in. Spent 2 1/2 hours on the m1 today in hideous weather.

I'm exhausted. The girls are whinging and whining and groaning at each other...I'm snapping at them sad they whinge and whine some more, I snap some more...I'm sendi.g them all to bed shortly.

I'm currently laying on (not in) my bed. Means I am not quite as close to the whinging and whining....and I don't have to look at the tip and I don't have to clear the deter to sit on it hmm.

I've eaten a couple of spring rolls and a big Mac meal. I've drunk my mcDs soo as I can face the stairs I'm opening a can of lager.

Acheived: shower and a face and a day out
Still to motivate myself to do: put dd3 to bed, put some washing on. It would also be nice to empty dishwasher.

Feel Shit and cranky and fed up sad

HellesBelles396 Sat 29-Dec-12 20:52:46

Poor you! Sounds like a cuppa and an early night are in order!

I'm giving up. I'm taking dd3 to bed. I'm getting a soft drink. I'm locking up (washing will wait...involves a trip to the garage)...and I'm going to bed with my phone and book and maybe a bar of choc...

Dtds can watch Dr who and put themselves to bed...

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 29-Dec-12 21:20:57

dont underestimate the amount you achieve edwinia - sounds like your leaps and bounds ahead of are doing really well.

get the kids to bed, settle down with a drink and sod the house for tonight. Im going to attempt a blitz tomorrow if i can.....i seem to spend half my day in my bedroom which is presently an unholy shit tip....

ive got to get dressed tomorrow as have riding lesson - its odd that even my enthusiasm for that has waned, even since starting the ADs....but im going to go - i feel better for a bit and it empties my head for an hour.

HellesBelles396 Sat 29-Dec-12 21:55:45

You've both done better than me today. You've both spent time with your kids.

Tomorrow, I will be the sort of person who gets up and showered by ten. The sort of person who goes to church.
Sleep well and wake refreshed.

I'm ok if I can get myself out of bed and out of the house.

If I don't I spend a lot of time in bed reading, playing on my phone and sleeping.

When dcs are at school I take them to their dads, back in bed for 8:15 get up again about 3:55 before the eldest arrive home from school at 4:05. I have even been known to go back to bed even tho I have a 10:20 drs appointment.

As its the holidays I CAN'T do that. I'm a single parent so have the responsibility that goes with that. I am doing that on bear minimum but I can't stay in bed when dcs are home I have to get up and spend time with them. It is still hard, and if I can convince the youngest to have fruit for breakfast and put herself a DVD on I do blush, but at the end of the day I have no choice but to be out of bed before lunchtime. Doesn't mean I get dressed. Doesn't mean I do housework and doesn't mean it is easy.

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sat 29-Dec-12 23:41:02

my DC are much older so i can lay in bed, quite happily. i know its often the worse thing i could do but its just so easy.

and shifts screw my body clock up anyway so i see it as practice for going back to work sort of, and making excuses

NanaNina Sun 30-Dec-12 00:46:17

Hope I'm not gatecrashing - was on the thread earlier but it seems to be just a few of you now - anyway just to say I had a terrible Christmas - went to Center Parcs in Lake District with a load of people (14 in all) but I was ill before we went with cough,cold, sinus, huge headache, but managed to stagger down to the lodges where the others were staying.

Woke on boxing day with a big bout of depression/anxiety - didn't have to get up so stayed in bed and cried most of the morning away. Lay on bed most of day. To make matters worse had altercation with one of my sons - he was being very uncaring about me and I was shocked. Don't expect any great display of concern, but thought he could have managed a few words of comfort. My DP was also shocked at the way our son seemed so cold and uncaring. I phoned him later and he said he'd had enough aggro for one day thankyou and put the phone down.

Anyway Thurs and Fri still the same with mega depression. My DP went walking on Friday morning with a friend and I stayed in the apt on my own and cried a lot. Shortly after 2 nurses came to see if I was all right as they had heardme crying. They were really kind and offered to take me to a GP in Penrith but of course that would do no good, but it was so kind of them.

Came home today and feeling bit better but angry with my DS and cried most of the way back in the car. I am up late because I started feeling better about 8.00. Think I have a chest infection too.

Other than that, had a great time!

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 30-Dec-12 01:05:35

oh nananina im so sorry - i thought you were very brave to be doing the whole going away with lots of folk at xmas thing - its brilliant that you even attempted it and dont be too hard on yourself - feeling ill, i mean physically ill is draining in itself without the mental anguish on top.

im so sorry your son was harsh. i hope you manage to speak soon. Get to the GP on monday - chest infections lay me so low and i get lots due to the reflux thing....if anything will make you feel worse its that - a couple of days on ABs and you will feel physically better im sure.

chin up chuck. have a brew and things can only get better.....

HellesBelles396 Sun 30-Dec-12 05:40:12

nananina it's so hard to cope with illness but when you feel the pressure of Christmas and a family holiday it's so much harder. when we didn't hear from you, I hoped you were having a reasonable time. i'm sorry you didn't.

in other news: I'm still awake. I don't cope well when ds not here (at dgp's). not sure whether to try to sleep or to give up and get up. I haven't tried to sleep tbh - putting off tomorrow - a day alone sad

HellesBelles396 Sun 30-Dec-12 10:52:01

just woke up, feel crap sad

HellesBelles396 Sun 30-Dec-12 11:10:53

House equals mess. I have dishes from before Christmas. there's not even a pan to make some porridge or scramble some eggs.
I feel sick from the amount of chocolate I ate during the night.
there's no point to getting up - just a day of housework ahead of me that I'm too lazy to do. ds even said that to me the other day "there's nothing wrong with you, you're just lazy. everyone knows you're lazy" BF said "just do the housework instead of thinking how little you want to so it" she's right yet I still got back into bed.
and now my mum knows the state I'm in because she's been round for undies for ds which I forgot to pack. and I still got back into bed.
I'm disgusting.

helles you are not disgusting. You are ill. If you look back on the thread you will see I said exactly the same about myself.

You sound as tho you are having a bad day...and on bad days all I do is hide under my duvet...cos then I don't have to face my day. I don't have to face my housework. I don't have to face my tip.

I know its easy for me to say...but do you think you can face just 15mins of housework? Set a timer. Then reward yourself with an afternoon nap. Then you will have acheived something for the day? Even of it is 15 minutes of picking up rubbish or laundry or whatever?

HellesBelles396 Sun 30-Dec-12 12:47:10

Starting to think I should keep my son here all the time - I do much better when he's here. poor little sod!
I'm hiding from the housework. that's what stopped me sleeping and what stops me getting out of bed now. I can hear people outside having fun talking to each other and I'm just stuck here alone. I've really had enough now.


I.know exactly what you mean. It's when my dcs are away that I hibernate sad

I don't know what else to say because I' better.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sun 30-Dec-12 13:03:01

Edwinia when I've felt defeated and depressed by it all, I've done your strategy (which I got from Flylady smile ) Just focussing on the rubbish reduces that feeling of overwhelm.

Nini our family holiday in 2004 was to the same Centre parcs, I was severely depressed, only the red squirrels and watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer kept me going, the kids had a good time though...

HellesBelles396 Sun 30-Dec-12 17:28:03

Thanks Edwinia
I got the dishes done, had a mini-today and ate (which means there're more dishes sad ). DS home so feeling much more inclined to act like a normal person!

HellesBelles396 Sun 30-Dec-12 17:29:02

mini today tidy

VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry Sun 30-Dec-12 18:02:38

DD tidied as her boyfriend is over this afraid to say i let her. She woke me up with the hoover.

i have spent the entire afternoon at the stables. i wasnt meant to be but i had a riding lesson, at first i didnt want to get dressed and go but lord its done me the world of good. after my lesson i stayed to help with some kiddie lessons, then did a bit of setting stables straight and water there at 12.45 and left at about 4pm. I need my own horse....that would shift my arse out of bed each day. I just want a normal life again. Im dreading going back to work - i would have been on nights.

helles dont beat your self up for having a bad day. I reckon we are allowed a few of those duvet days.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Sun 30-Dec-12 18:10:20

Ha vicar the only time I got any help cleaning was from DS when a girlfriend was coming over! DD was not bothered, whoever was arriving

And FW(fuckwit)Ex was a lazy arse

Just one of the things that compounded my depression (gone now, though still having problems getting up)

NanaNina Sun 30-Dec-12 18:15:37

Vicar so glad you have had such a good day. You do need to stop worrying over work thouh - easier said than done I know, but the point is after the month is up, if you are still not fit for work then you will be signed off again. You know you have the support of your sargent and other colleagues. God help us if the police are not familiar with mental health problems, I'd eat my hat! When I had my first major episode on 1995 I was signed off work for 6 months and went back part time for another month.

I'm all for duvet days - don't care what the therapists say because they have never experienced the torment of mental illness. I have some close women friends who are very suportive but they don't uderstand how bad it is and it's only on these MH threads that I can talk with people who understand it and that's a great relief

SPC glad the red squirrels brightened your days a little.........didn't see any but thren didn't move from the apt much. Never even into the village and nowhere near the lovely pool. Had bought a new swim suit from M& S ad I actualy looked ok in it, but it stayed in the case.

HellesBelles396 Sun 30-Dec-12 20:01:03

Done nothing since last post. well, went on amazon and bought a slow cooker. telling myself it will pay for itself...
I know I'm bad when I give up on overeating to improve my mood and start overspending instead!
DM has told ds that, of he helps me with washing up every day (my Achilles heel) she will give him extra pocket money. not sure whether it will work because he's lazy like me how I feel about it. was looking at table top dishwashers (i could swing a cat in my kitchen as long as it didn't mind bashing off every wall) and wondered about asking dp's to buy me one and not pay ds anything thereby, potentially, saving a fortune over 6 years til he leaves home and I give up on life and stay on bed forever

ThatVikRinA22 Sun 30-Dec-12 20:48:25

actually helles thats sounds like a plan to me.....

my dishwasher is broken at min....has been for the last 6 months. i loathe washing up too. if it werent for DH and DD the place would be a tip! im waiting for DS to go back to uni so i get my spare room back and i can hide all the unironed washing again and free up my bedroom which currently looks like a chinese laundry

Just checking in briefly before bed.

Hells Look back at your first posts of the day. You were not expecting to acheive anything, biut you have! Youve cleaned the dishes. I know you've now got more but if you hadn't done the first lot you would still have a bigger pile right?

You said you had a mini-tidy. Did you expect to acheive that at 9am? I don't think so from the tone of your posts so you are one FAB lady. You have acheived something unexpected.

Well done vicar every hour at the stable is an hour you aren't hiding in bed smile and you have to get dressed to go to the stable smile Well done that sounds like a positive day.

I've had an up and down day, but mostly up. Woke late (but so did DCs) so was up late but got out of bed within an hour of waking....which is a HUGE acheivement smile

Cleaned all my pots from XMas day - another good achievement.

Done some bits and pieces with DC - mostly craft. Another plus.

My neighbour gave my youngest lunch so I didn't feed anyone else (elder 2 can get their own sandwich/toast/if they are hungry. Bit lazy sad

Lounged around for the afternoon.

When Neighbour came to collect her children (its a bit like open house round here grin I sent DD3 to collect her shoes and coat and she invited herself in for takeaway pizza...another meal I don't have to cook smile But lazy (I had mince beef out for a home cooked dish) sad.

15 Mins later neighbour brought leftover pizza round for elder DCs....another 2 meals I don't have to cook smile More time being lazy sad

Done a couple of loads of washing. Done a bit of tidying and a quick vacuum.

So I have had a really positive day. Not acheived everything (did I mention I'm not dressed and haven't brushed my hair blush but my house is looking semi-presentable and the bin is on the path for the morning. Having said all that when I woke I felt positive. I felt like I had energy. I just felt that I had turned a corner (dunno if it is cos I have actually taken my meds without missing any for a week).

hugs to those that haven't had such a good day...tomorrows another day...look at me yesterday...and now.

Tomorrow I plan day out...

Just reading that post back and I feel there are far too many smiley smiley's for this thread....

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 31-Dec-12 00:17:49

nope - smileys are good!

just popping in before bed also - back to GP in morning and ran out of sertaline tonight....

ed thats a brilliant day - be proud! so what if you werent dressed! look at what you got done!

id better get to bed as got to set an alarm for morning - god that will be hard.

will check in tomorrow. must must must get my sick note in the post tomorrow....must. remind me.
gnite all.

To be fair I didn't do it all without help...dtds have helped with washing, dishwasher and vacuuming...but it has been done and that's all that counts right?!?!

Besides...motivating them to do so is probably harder work than doing it myself....

Oops I've such an energetic day I've forgotten to go to bed....I foreseen extra bed time tomorrow....

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 09:10:03

Ed best post ever (the long one) you're right - we all did well yesterday cheers
just woken up but going to get straight up as have cousins coming round for annual monopoly match at 1 and want to get sorted (they're pretty much perfect!)
actually, one of themade me cry the other week when she said how much she admires me (must be having a good day to have remembered that smile )
what I'm NOT going to do today is plan to do too much as I normally do when I wake up feeling good. I am the sort of person who sets herself achievable goals.
have a brill day xx

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 09:10:47

oops vicar post sick note on your way to the doc's!

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 10:51:10

did get straight up. cooked b

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 10:52:51

bloody mobile!
cooked breakfast only to decide I'd gone off scrambled eggs.
started the grand-tidy but made the mistake of sitting down to check emails/order statuses/facebook statuses/update mumsnet...

Well done helles huge pat on the back

Oops...woke at 10:20...still in bed, but just getting up. My phone is my Achilles heal...its taken me 40mins to check MN, check fb, feed my monsters (an app my 6 year ld installed blush), use all my lives on candy crush (s fb linked app), recheck fb and MN, by which time monsters need feeding again and my lives have regenerated....that's how I stay here all day...can I count feeding virtual mythical animals as an acheivememt seeing as I can't feed my own dcs??? to go out. Dcs have gift cards burning holes in pockets. Also have to exchange a onsie that is too small but absolutely everywhere is out of stock. Can't decide whether to go to the city (friend has reported onsies nowhere) or town (not checked onsie situation...but small stores and probably less onerous considering I'm still in bed and its NYE so early closing...

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:18:58


well im back from GP - she has upped my dose now to 100mg which she says is the full treatment dose.

still feeling pretty lousy more days than not, so am willing to give it a try, just hoping side effects arent as bad.

am obviously up and dressed, hair in a bun, (dh says i look like a school maam) but need to put face on and go shopping.

well done helles - good start! and good luck in town ed.

i will post sick note when i get back from shops....yes i will.

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:25:19

Go to town, you can always go into the city another day when, hopefully they'll have onesies. what shop was it from? you might be able to exchange for a credit note and order in a particular onesie (m&s do this and most shops will phone around to find out which shop has one and get it to your local one).
been playing angry birds since last post but I'm going to get showered right now. yes I am!

It's New look, I already have the credit note but none have stock to replace.

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 11:55:14

ask them to order in the one you want? or will the credit note work online? that way you can concentrate on dc's shopping?

Nope they are completely out of stock so I'm looki.g anywhere for any replacement. Will use my credit note for something different.

They are completely devoid of stock anywhere and everywhere but I suspect with their popularity will have new stock shortly when sales are done so if don't get one I will wait...

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 16:41:11

I think you're probably quite right that they'll restock once the sales are over!

Annual monopoly match over, feeling a little wistful that I don't have plans for tonight. I hate very large noisy groups, which is why I rkn't tend to go anywhere and, come morning, I'll be glad of no booze/early night.

time to cook tea.

whatever you do tonight (even if you do nothing) have a lovely evening x

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 16:41:37

vicar is sicknote posted?

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 31-Dec-12 18:16:49

realised that supervisor is off until friday anyway so no rush....will sort it on weds and get it posted then.

less likely hood of it going missing while supervisor is on days off. (thats my excuse and im sticking to it)

also a bit wistful that we have no plans....DD is bored, i bought champagne but it seems a waste.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Mon 31-Dec-12 20:24:44

Jules Holland's New Year Eve prog is quite good to have on in the background I find smile

I had a slow start, which included going back to bed for a 2 hour nap an hour after I first got out of bed. But this afternoon I managed to get into town and buy some late Christmas presents, and have coffee and cake. Then saw two lots of friends.

[Although I'm not depressed, I am finding it hard to get going these days, but Ok once have got going. I think I need exercise - it occurred to me today that as my AD is a seratonin re-uptake inhibitor, the more seratonin I make, the more there should be around to have its uptake inhibited, iyswim. Exercise releases seratonin QED)]

Anyway ladies, wishing us all onwards and upwards in the coming new year brew or wine

ThatVikRinA22 Mon 31-Dec-12 21:30:22

well ive consumed a bottle of champagne and am playing just dance 4 on the wii with dh and dd.....


dh is 6ft 5 and not built to move! grin


Quick check in. Sounds as tho everyone has had a positive day ignores the fact that tutu is putting off sicknote posting due to the fact that I've lost my November sicknote and need to find that before judging...

Not too bad here didn't settle to sleep until 3am so not surprisingly I didn't wake til gone 10 and lounged til 12 which wasn't great, then rushed around like a lunatic to be ready to go out for 1.

Been out shopping since, and takeaway for tea...but I have cleared away into the dishwasher.

Did bump into someone from course in Tesco. They have spoken informally to tutor...choice is mine what happens next. Apparently they didn't realise I needed more support than they gave. Was confidence boosting about my abilities so dunno....dunno how I feel. I then carried on with my stuff and one of my kids said 'friend' wants you. My response - despite talking to her for the previous 10 mins - was 'who's 'friend''...sigh.

I know when I've had a long and draining day with no chance to rest because my cognitive function completely goes to pot cos I start walking around like a zombie and drive away with no lights on.

Right now I'm chilling...dtd1 has been a right stroppy mind...think might have an early night cos emotionally and physically exhausted.

Nothing much planned for tomorrow...may do more shoppingcos didn't get all vouchers spent...but we'll see.

Anyways ....let's hope 2012 is behind is and 2013 is more successful for us all.

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 23:05:06

Spent the evening curled up with ds watching DVD's. ready for bed now but tooth fairy needs to visit and professional pride says she waits til children are asleep (even non-believing 12yo's).

Sounds like we all did well today: everyone dressed, everyone left house (except me but I had company), it's a good end to the year. Roll on 2013!

And thank you all for your support yesterday.

Helles If we can't support each other then there's no point in posting smile

It's I a party scrooge to hope my online games lives run out soon so I can go to bed before midnight and avoid hving to make pleasantries and "celebration" of midnight sad

HellesBelles396 Mon 31-Dec-12 23:36:03

Ed no - always good to go to bed (and hopefully sleep) the day before you get up.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 01-Jan-13 00:09:55

well happy new year to everyone - and thank you for all the support. hope 2013 is a good one.

x and hugs to all.

Nope I went to bed to hide from life sad

Posted on fb to say I couldn't stay awake any longer then have maintained radio silence with the real world.

That's not good is it sad?

Happy new year to all though

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 08:31:02

Ed it's fine - there's no rule to say you have to see the new year in. I went to bed before midnight and 2013 is still here grin

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:35:27

Grrr! Still in bed - fanned angry birds!

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 09:36:11

fanned damned

Just woken I'm allowed to still be in bed....

...just about to start candy crush...

Just woken I'm allowed to still be in bed....

...just about to start candy crush...

Oops first message didn't post...I appear to have spent an hour playing ca.du crush...

Here is a list of admin things to deal with in next few particular deadline (apart from credit card which is 10 days overdue...but I locked myself out of bank account when I went blank on my pin). I'm just intending this as a reference list for myself..

Pay credit card
Renew overdue library books
Insure tablet
Sort out student finance
Claim samsung cashback.
Find and send sicknotes

I'm a horrid mummy.

I sent dcs to bed at 11:20 so I wouldn't have to 'do new year'.
I'm making them do all the chores so I don't have to.

Dd3 has been up since 9:30 and I'm still in bed. She's had no breakfast but is happy watching something on tv (although she sounds like she is in the kitchen now looking for some food...).

I think I missed my ads yesterday...can you tell?

Think today will be a write off...

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 01-Jan-13 12:35:15

morning everyone.

ed id say dont worry - if you need to write today off then do it, thats what bank holidays are for - you are not a horrid mummy at all. I never do anything new years - i feel obliged to see it in but nothing changes between 11.59 and 12.00! it is just another day.

i went to bed (after midnight) but ignored my phone when it bleeped for new yr messages - ive not replied to any and i didnt phone anyone either....

i woke up really early again, 5.30am, but then went back to sleep at about 7.30 and didnt wake until 11.00 sad

i should maybe start getting up when i wake up even if its 4 or 5. i was wide awake then.

im just waiting for DD to get out of the bath so i can go and have one - we have an invitation (the only one ive had over xmas) to a friends for a bite to eat so will have to make the effort and get ready. DH has today off so going to try and make the most of it.

have a good day all whatever that entails, a guilt free day doing whatever you all feel like.

im going to up my dose of sertraline tomorrow. (and post that sick note, and phone occupational health back...) and ive got to start to try to leaver myself out of bed before 11.....GP said to start setting small goals. She is worried it might start to become a huge deal leaving the house.....will start to tackle this tomorrow.

so tomorrow i need to
get up earlier (set alarm)
post sick note
arrange MOT for car
post overtime form
phone occy health
double dose of sertraline

see you all later. not sure if making lists is a good idea or not - looks like a lot written down.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 01-Jan-13 12:43:45

ive just got to get this out.....i could cry and its over something silly.

Ive had some champagne flutes that were a wedding present from a friend who now live in Oz - cut class engraved - beautiful - had them 21 years.

DH just broke one.

i could cry. i hope this isnt a sign of things to come....

I haven't even got the motivation to get put of bed for a wee sad

The goals set by my therapist revolve around getting out of bed and getting dressed. I'm failing sad

I've just lied to dcs and told them I have a headache so I have an excuse to be in bed.

I'm am so confused today. Can't think straight. Don't know what day of the week it is. Can't plan ahead. It's horrible sad
Sorry to lower the tone sad what a difference 48hrs makes...

Hope you're all doing better than me...

Hugs vicar you still have your friend.
You still have your husband. He is being your rock.

He's broken a glass. Friendship and marriage are still intact even if there is distance between you and friend.

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 01-Jan-13 12:55:59

i know....i know. i just loved them and they were so old....ive no idea where they even came from. The box went mouldy years ago. He was trying to be so careful with just tipped over on the draning board. im irrationally sad about it.

Thank you.

ed please dont feel a failure - its just today - you have done so much and done so well the last few days - just let yourself off today. Dont let it be a just need a day to kick back after you have done so well the last week.
Hugs back....

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 13:32:37

Both of you: you're doing fine. there're are good days and bad. if your illness made you wheezy, you would-ct feel guilty for resting. our illness makes us tired sometimes (oftentimes in winter!)
allow yourself an hour of guilt-free rest then get up and do one thing. if you feel up to it, you can do something else after but just give yourself a target to get up and do one thing.

It must have been a bad phone already needs charging....have just text to see if xp wants dc overnight...

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 13:47:45

my day thus far:
woke up 7.30 smile
got up 10 sad
made/ate breakfast
washed up straight away grin
made a sewing cube for storing pins and needles smile
got showered at 1 sad. no time to wash hair sad sad sad
joined flylady smile
now walking to dm&f's for lunch (appropriate smilie to be determined)

Lol at appropriate smilie to be determined grin

Think xp is going to have dcs overnight which is good because it will take away my guilt, but bad because it remove any motivation I did have....oh there wasn't any....suppose I better get up and dressed and put a face on tho...

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:02:54

up and dressed will do (unless fairly recent xp). well done smile

Up and dressed and eaten (3 mince pies and a biscuit...hmm...

That'll do for today...

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 16:27:38

veg, plenty of water, no sweets, no caffeine and no alcohol - that's what good little non-depressives are made of! wink

After a disasterous start to the day I have got up and played on the Wii with neighbours ds (random!).

I have cooked a meal and now looking at the leftovers and dirty plates on the dinner table and want to cry and/or sleep.

I'm trembling like no-ones business...I really ought to take my meds.

Dcs are packing their bags then I will either veg, go to bed or go to friends (i did offer to help her with some stuff, which will get me out of house but 50:50 as to whether I will be needed so dunno wether to veg or wait for a call.....)

I might take my christmas decs down tomorrow...

DCs gone.

Meds taken.

Plates stacked in kitchen.

House locked.

Pjs on.

In bed.

Might get up later and have the last of the Christmas pud. Might go to friends if she calls. If not here endith my day. Night all smile.

HellesBelles396 Tue 01-Jan-13 18:41:18

Well done Ed try to relax and get some sleep.

I read that a mobile phone emits blue light which is morning light and wakes you up. I have decided to evict my phone from my bedroom shock scary.

Lunch at dm/f's smile
Now cleaning sink flylady way smile .
Night all.

Right, I'm getting up. Gonna throw some dishes in the dishwasher...scoff som.Christmas pud and scoot to friends for 9:10...

Am I allowed to be erratic???

ThatVikRinA22 Tue 01-Jan-13 23:45:24

you are allowed ed

im home from pals and it just made me miss her and my home town all the more....she moved to my home town a couple of months ago. i just want to follow her.
im so lonley here and i hate where i live.
nothing is right for me - i hate my house, the town its in and my job. im never going to be able to transfer now ive admitted depression.

i just feel shite today. it all feels too much. i was discussing suicide options with her DH wasnt intentional but somehow talk got round to my job and the suicides ive been to......then we got onto the the perfect suicide....he told me the way to do it.

i wouldnt.

i recently moved house, town, job and xmas brings home how you miss all you left behind, but I don't believe one can go back and for it to be the same. Life moves on at a fast pace and carries us forward with it. Lack of sleep really gets me down, but I've found drinking decaf, particularly before bedtime, can really help. Also, wouldn't advise buying a horse just yet, they require a lot of time to look after and it can become yet another pressure on yourself, enjoy the riding - its great for blowing away the cobwebs, but let someone else do the looking after.

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 09:41:18

Vicar please phone GP and make urgent appointment. Regular death thoughts and/or suicide plans are serious and NOT one of those things we depressives should accept as part of the condition. They're a sign that you're in too bad a place. Please get more help. Have you had CBT yet?

What would the commute be like if you moved back to your hometown?

Ed be as erratic as you like - this is the place to do it smile

Because I left my phone downstairs cleaned yesterday, I got straight up this morning smile

Because I left a clean fluffy towel in the bathroom, I got showered as soon as I got up smile

Because the sink was shiny when I got up (started flylady babysteps yesterday), I washed up as soon as we had breakfasted so that I could wipe it dry and shiny again smile

All this despite the fact that it is tipping it down here (normally something that gets me really down and staying under the bedcovers - I do have every light on though!)

BlackCatinChaos Wed 02-Jan-13 10:11:10

Hi all, How are you today?

Don't mean to hijack the thread but notice HellesBelles is starting flylady babysteps. Just wondered if you would like to join us here -->
I am also on the AD support thread. You are more than welcome! smile

Hope you are o.k. today Vicar

Agree with helles regarding the drs. You need extra support. Suicidal thoughts whilst on ADs needs checking out.

Feel better in myself today than I did yesterday. It was just horrible. I was fuzzy, couldn't think straight, couldn't focus, couldn't control myself. It was wierd and horrible (but how I was every day at my worst in oct/nov).

Plan for today...get up early hmm (wish I got up at 7:30 when I was feeling energetic).
Brief shopping trip with friend, picking up at 11:30. Looking for a new phone [excited].
Lots of tidying, if I can drag myself out of bed I might get washer on and d/w empty before I go. Entertaining tomorrow night. Was going to take down decs but don't think I'll get that far.

DCs back after tea so must pick up something sensible for me to eat.

Oh and I did flylady to about day 20 of baby steps and gave up.

I know it would help but don't feel capable yet sad. Maybe when dcs go back to school...

I've had a brain wave...if I sleep on the sofa tonight....then I won't have to do that impossible task of getting out of bed hmm...

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 12:53:48

ed would you sleep well though?

vicar? are you there?

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:21:04

im here. im fine. ive started the double dose of sertraline today, and in an effort to negate the side effects again im trying to space the 2 doses separately, so one in the morning and one at night.

i couldnt get up this morning at all - really struggled but i have got my sick note ready to post (suddenly decided to photo copy it so DH is gonna do it tomorrow and post it for me)
and i phoned up and got the address to send the old overtime form to.

im going to go and have a bath now and try to pull myself together a bit.

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:25:05

That all sounds positive smile

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 14:27:21

wouldn't it be great if we could do that with men or children decaf? let someone else look after them so we just get the good bits!

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 16:56:43

Photocopying sick note is a good idea vicar and tis a good sign you thought to do it smile

I have had suicidal ideation, as it is called, in the past, when v severely depressed. I had no intention of doing anything, just could not see things ever improving. But Things Did Improve!

I managed to replace it with wanting to fast-forward to being well again. Equally impossible, but presupposes getting well again, Which I Have Done.

[hug] brew

Had a short walk today - see my Exercise thread on MH.

NanaNina Wed 02-Jan-13 17:18:30

blackcatinchaos I will definitely join your thread. I "talked to Vicar a fair bit when she first posted but I feel very "shut out" of this thread now, as it is a conversation between about 4 MNetters, and seems quite exclusive. In fact this is the first time I have experienced this since posting on the MH thread, which I do a lot of the time.

Anyway before I leave I must just say HB that I disagree with you that you should phone GP because of thoughts of death and suicide and your notion that they are not things that we should accept as part of the condition.

Thinking of death (as in not wanting to die, but wanting an end to all this) and sucidal thoughts are a very common symptom of severe depression, so what is a GP going to do because we are experiencing this symptom. I have been ill with intermittent depression for 3 years and have had many suicidal thoughts, which are in my case suicide ideation as in thinking of it as a release, a way out, but knowing that I am highly unlikely to carry it through, and I believe that this is the case for many others. Having said that I am not denying that many people with severe depression do indeed commit suicide.

Yes of course these thoughts indicate we are in a bad place, but surely we know that being depressed is being in a bad place. I wonder what Ed means when she says they need "checking out" - I would be at the GP every week if I thought these thoughts need "checking out" - even when I was on a psych ward for 3 months in 2010, no one took any notice if you talked about suicidal thoughts, other than to say "no that's just the depression talking to you" and I've come to believe that that is exactly right, as when I am ok I can't belief I had such thoughts.

Anyway Vicar glad to hear you are doing better but don't forget the road to recovery has lots of lumps and bumps!

I am feeling very crap today so maybe I am being over sensitive about feeling left out, but I have checked the thread quite a few times and it is always the same 4 people, so I do feel like I would be intruding on their conversation.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 17:24:42

nana I for one have been wondering where you were. Did you get my PM about service user involvement? My post previous to yours says much the same thing as yours did - having suicidal ideation is Not Repeat Not necessarily being in a suicidal state.

[hug] brew

Sorry if the thread appears to be cliquey. I don't think it is supposed to be this way. I can see that it is a few of us that are dominating but that wasn't intended to be at the exclusion of others.

I guess I personally have latched onto it a bit because the op resonates souvh with me in terms of symptoms (which would be in common with many many others with mental health worries). But also I feel there are similarities in cause/background...maybe I'm overthinking it.

I agreed with the concerns regarding seeing a Dr regarding suicidal thoughts, particularly if they are new thoughts. I know that some ads are associated with increased suicide rates and attempts in some age groups. As a result I believe that many ads have the warning to consult Dr if you start to think about suicide or self harm. Obviously it can be an ongoing symptom but this sounded new - does that make sense?

Anyway appologies if anyone is feeling excluded. Don't think it was intended that way. Don't think this thread was even intended for ongoing support it has just turned out that way and I for one am thankful.

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 18:11:48

I'm sorry if, in anyway, I've contributed to your feeling that way nana. I'm glad you felt able to mention it. I just come on everyday because I don't really have anyone to talk to about how I'm feeling. I know people often drift away from threads so, though I noticed you hadn't posted for a few days, I didn't think anything of it.

The advice sheet on my AD's says to see doc if having suicidal or death fixation. My GP and CPN said the same. It was on this I based my advice. I don't know what they would then do about it but they must say it for a reason.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 18:15:48

I would certainly report the thoughts at next GP review, and whether they have since gone away or whatever. It is valuable feedback if you would be better on another AD, or even seeing a psychiatrist if you both felt that might be needed.

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 18:16:13

decaf just noticed what you said earlier about switching to decaf. I did that about 6 months ago because I was starting to feel sick whenever I had a cuppa and it has reduced mood fluctuations durig the day.

Eating sugary foods in only small amounts helps too. So if I have half a dozen chocolates, I aim to spread them out over a few hours. Doesn't work out that way as a rule but sometimes it does.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:30:30

nananina sad

im so sorry if you felt excluded. I just thought that this thread had become a source of support for anyone and people would check in and check out as they felt the need - certainly im very sad that you feel that way as i have found your posts really really helpful and im very grateful that you have been here.

There is another thread in a similar vein on MH but with a different "crowd" on but again i think its just an open invitation for anyone who feels the need. I have been posting on both threads, but i suppose this one, because it was 'mine' has been a bit more self indulgent. I also tend to "barge in" and post on anything without ever really having an it never occurred to me that anyone may feel excluded, i just thought we were, or have been in the past, in the same boat so found it comforting to get perspective and advice from those who had suffered or were suffering the effects of depression at some point - all this is very new to me and ive never ever before realised what i was suffering with - talking to others was really helpful, and that means you nana smile

Ive not encountered anyone from this thread on any other thread, so didnt even realise it had come to feel cliquey. i have drawn a great deal of comfort from talking to you all and i thank you all very much for that. im genuinely very sad that this thread has upset anyone. It was never, ever my intention. thanks

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:34:23

oh dear, this is really bothering me and i dont know how to put it right.

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 19:46:05

I've just come back on because I was getting more and more worked up about this.

To think that anyone - especially someone who has been as integral to this thread as nananina is feeling on this way is really upsetting me.

I don't want to stop giving and getting support through this thread but, at the same time, how many other people are looking at it and thinking "oh, it's just the same few people, I won't bother". At the same time, i don't think any post has been ignored so, if people posted, it wouldn't just be the same few people.

I know how you feel vicar

I know I've become one of the main posters and just as guilty as anyone else sad

I didnt realise we.were excluding others. I was aware that it had become just a few of us posting regularly but I didnt think it was to the exclusion of others. I guess there is a big thing in that it is down to both those not posting to come forward and join in...and that can be hard if you are feeling down, if you are feeling that being sociable is is a challenge (which is partly why I haven't joined the generic ad's thread).

It is equally important for us to make others feel welcome...which is difficult to do if they are watching from the sidelines and we don't specifically know we are there.

I think I'm saying that it isn't your sole is joint with the others of us on the thread and those wanting to be included. You can only control one of those 3, but we can all, and should all facilitate all 3.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 20:07:21

It didn't look that way to me.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 20:08:02

ie it did not seem exclusive...

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 02-Jan-13 20:09:15

i know, but its made me feel like i should stop posting.
and im feeling stupid for feeling like that but its actually really upset me, im not sure that anyone has done anything wrong tbh, but its made me feell like i have, my eyes are stinging with tears (pathetic) and i just feel that i should now shut up.
am i guilty of dominating the thread?
but,i am the OP, and im glad others talked to me, it really helped me. i valued every single person who took the time to talk to me. every single one.

so thank you again thanks but i think i should bow out because im finding it counterproductive now its making me feel worse for knowing im upsetting people.

NanaNina Wed 02-Jan-13 20:09:59

I have PMed you STPC and sorry for delay. Yes ER the thread does seem cliquey and you say you are thankful that it has turned out this way for ongoing support and I can understand that, but it doesn't stop me feeling excluded.

HB I come on the threads becasue I have no one to talk to either who understands the torments of depression, and give crap advice, like having a hot bath, buying new clothes etc., and I imagne that's why most of us post on here. I think the advice sheet on meds has to cover all eventualities by law so that they are covered should someone commit suicide. I think maybe the GP and CPN say it for the same reason, though when I have told both of them (and they are both excellent) MY GP put her head on one side and made a concerned face and said "Oh no X that's not the road to take" and my CPN said something similar. Again I think they have to tell you this to cover themselves.

I often hear MNs giving advice to others to go to A & E and see the "duty psychiatrist" and I don't know if this is different in different hospital trusts but I was referred to A & E by an out of hours GP when severely depressed and very suicidal. My DP and best friend were with me and the receptionist looked at me with contempt and said in a weary voice to my friend "how long has she been like this?" and then I was triaged by an A&E dr to see if I was in need of the crisis team. My anxiety was sky high and he then sent me to wait for the "crisis team" We waited for 3 hours from 8.00 to 11.00 until the crisis tean arrived who were a CPN and a Dr By this time my anxiety had subsided a fair bit and they asked me if I had made a plan fir suicide and I said yes, and asked me what it was and I told them it was drowning and I knew the place i was going to. They went off for a talk and came back and sent me home with 2 diazepam and my friend had to go back to the hospital to get 4 more because it was Easter weekend! When the G surgery opened on Tuesday a GP came out to me and gave me more diazepam (he was very kind and said a CPN would come out to assess me later that day) but he called back to say that wasn't happening, and the conslt pyschiatrist would come out the the nexy day and he did and I was admitted, with a diagnosis of severe depression.

Sorry I don't suppose al this is of any interest to anyone.

I think if medics could do something about suicidal thoughts they would. I think if there is a real concern then the patient may be offered inpatient care but that's no good. I remember one day when sitting outside in the small garden on a sunny day (different time to the one I mentioned in my PM to you STPC) and all the nurses were talking about BBQs and things and I felt that I was not of the human race (it's called depersonalisation) and can lead to a pyschotic episode though it didn't in my case than god. A staff nurse came up and asked the usual question "YOu OK X?" "NO" I answered and he then said "what's your forward plan" and I said do you really want to know" and he said "yes" and I said "to get rid of myself" and he just walked off without further comment.

I told my CPN about this and she said he should have recorded this and then I would have be "specialed" which means a member of staff following you everywhere and sitting in your doorway all night, just to make sure. I had seen this done with quite a few patients and it seemed so humiliating, but I suppose if there was a real risk it would be necessary especially if you were a voluntary patient, but one day when a nursing asst had really upset me I asked to go off the ward and they wouldn't let me and said "it wasn't advisable because I was upset" and they needed a Dr to give permission, but I did calm down and went out with my DP when he arrived at visiting time.

Anyway sorry if I am being byper sensitive and and I wish you all well.

I don't know what else to say.

But I didn't mean I was glad it was a clique. I meant that I was glad it was available as a support thread (ironically because I assumed the ad thread would be cliquey).

Anyway sorry to all.

And thanks to all for the support and listen to me sound off.

Good luck all.

NanaNina Wed 02-Jan-13 20:22:34

Now it's my turn to feel comments say far more about me than anyone else on the thread. I am just feeling very very crap today and I know that I could have joined in if I'd wanted............VICAR please please don't stop posting (hot tears are stinging my eyes too) no-one has done anything wrong and you haven't dominated the thread. I am hyper sensitive about any remote feeling of being "left out" because of something that happened in my childhood and because of how bad I felt today I let it all out without giving a thought to how it may affect others. So very sorry. Please carry on and if you will stay on the thread Vicar I will post again - promise.

Please forgive me, all of you.

Hugs nana

You sound so down. You sound as tho you have been in far worse places than many of us, certainly me. You would be a great source of comfort and guidance, and looking back you have been.

I'm sorry that the thread became cliquey. It seemed to do so over Christmas when there were only 3 or 4 of us around. Others were away or busy and I guess have found it hard to reintegrate.

It seems to have been around the time I joined the thread so I am wholeheartedly sorry for my part in.any bad feeling by anyone. I too just thought I was sounding off about my own stresses and strains and congratulating all whole posted positive acheivements and offered suggestions to those that were struggling. I guess the latter is my weakness, I don't always know what to say or suggest. This is a whole new experience for me.

But I feel upset that I've contributed to peoples upset.

I feel like I'm going round in circles with all of you appologising and justifying.

I am genuinely sorry, but it is probably now time to bow out. Once again thanks for all the support and encouragment. I've valued every word of it.

Maybe i'll find the courage to fi.d the ad thread.

HollaAtMeSanta Wed 02-Jan-13 20:47:59

As someone who has lurked out of concern and esteem for Vicar (she won't know me, I NC a fair bit), I never thought the thread was cliquey. And having been horribly depressed myself in the past, I know that it can sometimes cause you to feel paranoid/anxious and see exclusion and dismissal when really what you're looking at is other people doing their own thing. Not a criticism of anyone, just my 2p.

And just so that I haven't come here only to highlight current awkwardness, I would like to recommend a book to Vicar and everyone else, particular the "survivor" sort of depressive who have gone through bad things and only become depressed when they are out the other side:

Depressive Illness: The curse of the strong

Holla smile

bassetfeet Wed 02-Jan-13 20:59:42

Hi fellow sufferers
I want to say to all on this thread what a helpful supportive place it is . No sign of clique at all in my eyes . I am sure lots of us reading and drawing strength from it feel the same .
NanaNina sound so very low . Why not start your own thread if you feel up to it ? Then we can spread the support and that is good . you were very kind on my thread a few weeks ago .
I hate to read that you lovely people are so upset .........keep posting folks please . I dont post much but empathise so much and would if I have something useful to say.

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:02:42

i wonder can we all just forget this blip and all stick around, and continue to draw support from one another as we have been....?

im so sorry nana that you are having a bad day.

I would really love us all to carry on as we were if everyone thinks thats possible?

holla thank you for the recommendation - ive put it in my basket having read the reviews.

this is all so alien to me and so very confusing.

and i never did phone occupational health back either.
nor did i get the car booked in for its MOT.

i pray for the day i feel like these things dont feel huge anymore - you know its still only just dawning on me that this is depression. i have been taking the meds with the sneaking suspicion that my doctor had got it wrong.
only speaking to her again on monday - when she again said the early morning waking, the fatigue, are all symptoms. There is a small part of me that still cant quite believe it, so that book will be read.

right. i m going to watch this attenborough thing on the beeb and try to switch my head off for a bit.

please all stay though. i will if you will.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 21:02:49

So please do stay everyone, and especially vicar, tis your thread tho' we all pitch in, nina sounds like she is/was having one of those truly awful days, and we all understand that...

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:02:57

Holla thank you. I think we all needed to get another perspective.

nana shit days come out in shit ways. We need you here with your experience - your post about what happens when you present with suicide plans shows that. Your posts show you've had a horrendous time lately so please still post. I've been helped so much by the people (all the people) using this thread over the past few weeks since I joined MN and, selfishly, don't want it to break down. I had assumed everyone on here was finding it equally supportive.

The AD threads scare me a bit. I don't have a problem with my AD's - just with acting like a normal human being!

ed, vicar, I know you're both upset but please don't disappear. I've been reminded that depression causes us to take everything personally so let's put all this down to the depression and move on. We all need to get back to supporting each other.

Gosh! That all sounded a bit bossy but I'm on my phone and can only read one line of text at a time so proofing it is a massive hassle - if I've said anything out of line, I'm sorry.

Programme re CBT now on radio 4.

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:05:01

silvery how grounded are you? whatever you say is full of sense. Looking back at my posts I realise I've been very self-indulgent.

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 21:05:58

x-post w vicar smile

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:09:31

I don't understand silvery was I meant to?

TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat Wed 02-Jan-13 21:12:27

oops, no with belles, sorry.

To answer your question belles, although I was depressed as a child, over the past couple of decades I was mainly depressed because of my marriage. Got divorced this year, and although still on small dose of ADs, am fine, except for a great difficulty getting started which come and goes and comes and goes, and I've especially found the bits we've shared about this to be useful.

I remember how it was to be depressed quite vividly but am no longer being followed round by a black cloud, and just have 'normal' ups and downs now.

Can I summarise the last hour?

Lots of us feel Shit cos lots of us may have upset others.

Depression and anxiety take things out of perspective and probably hasn't helped here on lots of fronts.

Everyone wants everyone stay I think.

Everyone has found this thread and all contributors helpful at some time.

We all need to kiss and make up and have a group hug.

I'm crap with words...and living in a state of confusion at the best of times so appologies to anyone I've offended or upset with this post.

I dunno about the ad's thread....what I really need is a 'i can't get out of bed thread'....


HollaAtMeSanta Wed 02-Jan-13 21:31:40

Edwina have you tried putting an alarm clock far from the bed so that you are forced to get up to stop it? or would you then just stagger back to the bed and snuggle back in?

Re lists/getting things done, I found it helpful to make lists and set goals, but in order not to "fail" or get overwhelmed and go back to bed I would break tasks down into tiny chunks. E.g. instead of "do laundry" I would have "sort dirty clothes" then "put 1 load in machine" then "add detergent, program and turn on", then "unload and hang up" then "fold" then "put away". Obviously things take longer that way, but it's better than not getting the washing done at all and it also makes you feel like you've done 6 things instead of 1 grin

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:32:43

Masterful summary ed

GROUP HUG multiplied smile

silvery I'm chronic too. Almost 18 years since first depressive episode/ serious suicide plans. Worst episode about 4 years ago. Changed jobs, returned to parents for two years. Finally accepted medication and CBT. Frustrates me though that, once I got help, it didn't just disappear. I worry that refusing help for so long is the reason I'm stuck with it now. Seem to be in a down at the moment sad

holla doubt it. I get up, get dressed, do the school run, go home, put pjs on and get back in I don't think moving my alarm clock is going to solve things...

HellesBelles396 Wed 02-Jan-13 21:39:30

holla I agree about chunking tasks in that way. It's something we do at work with adhd students (they also have concentration problems.

ed leaving my phone on the landing overnight instead of in beside my bed really worked for me this morning. I'm trying it again tonight and will let you know tomorrow whether it works again.

The other thing that I use on workdays but (for some obscure reason) not during the holidays is an SAD lamp attached to a timer so it comes on half an hour before I get up. I'll set that for morning and see if that helps.

Ooh, another thing that worked well this morning is having everything I need ready by the shower so all I have to do is switch it on and get in. Again, I need to try it for more than one day to tell if it really works do I'll let you know.

BlackCatinChaos Wed 02-Jan-13 22:46:32

Just wanted to say, hope everyone is o.k. I didn't mean to cause any upset or mean that anyone should leave this thread. sad
I just though some of you might have not seen me around so thought I would let you know I had been posting on the AD support thread.

Please all stick around and support each other smile


NanaNina Wed 02-Jan-13 22:56:56

THANK YOU all for your comments and apologies and I think Eds post sums it all up. I am having a truly awful day and would never have posted the way I did if I was ok or even feeling bad but not too bad IFYSWIM. That's still not an excuse but I can't undo what I've done and as I've said it says far more about me than any of you.

I had an argument with one of my sons recently (well it wasn't really an argument because he won't argue and just walks away) and then won't talk to me on the phone, other than to say he doesn't "need this" and says goodbye. Then I see smiling pics of him on FB with his wife's family (I get on well with my DIL and her family) and more of him out with his mates. We all went to Center Parcs in the Lake District for Christmas (14 of us in all) me and DP and son & dil & grand-dghtr and some of DIL's extended family. We've been about 4 times before and had a good time.

However on Boxing day my Headmonster awoke (he's a snake like thing) and for a lot of the time he's asleep at the top of my head and then he wakes and starts waving his head about and I feel anxious and then he settles himself round the inside of my head and clings on with suction pads and that's the depression setting in. Mostly he starts to move slowly back to his sleeping position as the day goes by on bad days, but he's still clinging like mad. Haven't spoke to my son since Boxing day and he hasn't contacted me, so I think that's making things worse for me.

Don't know if anyone else has a metaphor - doesn't help to bear it any better but at least I know it's something inside me rather than something coming from out of the atmosphere!!

PLEASE let's all stay on the thread...................and sorry again.

Hello BF how are things going for you?

More hugs offered all round smile

ThatVikRinA22 Wed 02-Jan-13 23:27:01

(((group hug))) im in.

nana im sorry your son is hurting you - i can relate there.

im taking DS back to uni tomorrow and im afraid its not a moment too soon - we have argued tonight too - ive asked him to start to sort his room as i want to redecorate it for him for when he next comes home. its a tip. its always a tip.

so last summer (i think??) we had some major problems with him - he has special needs but opened my bank statements, memorised my card numbers and stole from my bank, and then used pay day loan companies getting himself into debt. While he knows this was very wrong, he has said sorry and moved on, where i find it very hard to do the same.

so tonight he brings me down £27 of tesco clubcard vouchers that he 'found' in his room - he says he has no idea where they came from but i have a horrible feeling he has taken them from my hiding place and tried to use them at some point in the past....not knowing he would need my club card to do so.

ive got annoyed and questioned him, he has got defensive and ive ended up telling him to take some responsibility at least in part for my current condition which he (probably rightly) refused to do.

i think my job has just tipped me over the edge of a precipice i was teetering on for a long long long time.