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I want it to be over soo badly

(40 Posts)
muddleup Fri 16-Nov-12 19:35:52

but thats never going to happen,
I'm not allowed,
have to stay for the Kids they tell me,
doesnt matter that as each day goes by I resent them more and more for making me stay, making me have to breath.

It wont always be this bad, so I'm told, well 18 years later I'm still taking tablets that might as well be smarties for all the good they do.

I sound such a heartless Bitch but I'm not I promise you I do love my kids but I hurt so much, am so tired, I cant cope with anything.
they deserve soo much better than I can give them, they dont need a mad mum, they dont need to be telling me I need to go to bed because they see I'm not coping, I'm messing them up,
I'm sorry sad

amillionyears Fri 16-Nov-12 22:09:25

Have you always felt like this?
How old is your youngest child?
Do they all live at home with you?

NanaNina Fri 16-Nov-12 22:38:22

Can you give us a bit more detail on what is happening. Sounds like you are depressed - you are not a mad mum. I think you are a mum who is struggling really hard to cope at the moment and need some help. The meds you are taking clearly aren't helping, so you need to get something else that will help. Maybe you need a "talking therapy" - it's hard to know when we know so little about your situation.

And your children would not be better off without you - depression makes us feel things like this, but it is the depression "talking" to us and making us believe things about ourselves that aren't true.

There is a lot of support on these threads, so come and tell us more.

muddleup Sat 17-Nov-12 18:29:02

I have a Cpn and a Pyschologist but the psychologist has been off sick for 8 weeks and I'm really struggling without her, my cpn is ok but I dont have the same relationship with her as i do with pyschologist.

The crisis team phoned me today but I dont know if I made it clear enough to them what was going through my head or if I got it wrong again.

My youngest is 12 and they all live at home just now.

My meds haven't worked well for a while but I've had soo many changed of psychiatrists this year that no one wanted to do anything with them untli a permanent one was found which they have now done, I am due to see her next month.

I have bought most of the kids christmas so if im not here then at least they will have gotten something from me and it might not seem that bad for them.

I dont know how to do this anymore

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 19:00:33

I agree with everything NanaNina said.

What did the crisis team say today? Sorry,I dont know anything about them, so someone else will hopefully come along very soon on here, to help you with that bit.

Have you any adults in rl that you can talk to about this right now?

NanaNina Sat 17-Nov-12 19:05:26

It's a pity that your psychologist has been off sick for so long as she sounds like she was a good support for you. Have you any idea how long she is off for. However you have a permanent psychiatrist who you are due to see next month and hopefully she will be able to get your meds sorted. Very often as you know I'm sure, meds don't work and sometimes the dose has to be altered or the meds themselves, or a "mix and match" of meds. I have a close friend who has suffered chronic depression but able to "function" for some years and it is only since the psychiatrist added something to the meds that she was on that she has felt the benefits.

When the crisis team phoned you today, you said you didn't think you made it clear what was going through your head and I am assuming that you mean suicide. I'm sure you know about suicide ideation, when we don't want to die, but we want the pain to end - to not be here any more, but at the same time will almost certainly not attempt suicide. On the other hand people with severe depression do commit suicide and this is why it should always be taken seriously.

Speak to the crisis team on Monday and tell them exactly what is going through your head.

Do you honestly believe that your kids will be OK because they have presents from you, but not you? I don't think you do. I do understand totally the feeling of not wanting to be here and thinking our loved ones would be better off without us but, it's not true, it's the depression talking to us.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are.........

muddleup Sat 17-Nov-12 19:20:37

They told me to go and have a cup of tea, that my kids love me and i need to focus on that.
There is no one in rl that I can talk to, not just now anyway, spoke to my friend a bit last night on the phone but couldnt say what was going through my head, what I wanted to do, what i was feeling, it didn't seem fair on her.

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 19:41:05

Most friends would want to help a fellow friend. If you can, I think it would be a good idea to ring her.

muddleup Sat 17-Nov-12 20:02:16

they are all out tonight, there isnt anyone, once the kids are in bed I will try phoning Breathing space but I dont think I'm fixable, I'm too broken sad

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 20:46:30

I do not believe that anyone is too broken.
I googled Breathing space as never heard of it.
Yes, good idea to ring them.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 20:55:30

muddle please accept a massive, hard, squeeze ((((((hug)))))) from me. You sound like you kind of want to be sorted, do you know when your psychologist is back? I think you need some more support from your crisis team. Can you call them now?

If your youngest is 12 then you must have spent a good many years raising your children fantastically well.
No one is perfect, you can't be the perfect mother but from what you have said I get the impression you have done really well, but you need to continue doing well, don't leave your children, they need you, no matter what.

Please call someone who understands. Again, (((((hug)))))

muddleup Sat 17-Nov-12 21:08:21

I dont know when she's back, shes been off since the beginning of October.
The crisis team here finish at 5.30 at the weekend, so cant call them back now until tomorrow.
I dont have anything left in me, I'm physically drained from everything, I want to close my eyes and never open them again

Ragwort Sat 17-Nov-12 21:14:43

Can you call the Samaritans, just to have someone to talk to?

You have more than one child, that is a tremendous achievement, I struggle with one despite a (very) comfortable home, supportive husband, no financial worries.

Please don't give up, a friend took his own life recently, left two children in their early teens, they are utterly devasted.

You will have many friends on mumsnet thinking of you (praying for you) and wishing you well.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 21:17:42

Ok muddle, here's the plan. Go to bed, read a book, try to hold on, you can call the crisis team ASAP in the morning and they will know what to do to make you feel like you have some hope and a chance at getting some happiness back.

It will be do-able. Please hang in there. I only know about PND, and I know how soulless it feels but I am ok now and I think you can be too.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 21:18:39

Where are you by the way?

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 21:23:09

Lets deal with today.
Have you phoned Breathing Space?
Or if you would like to have a little rest for a while, that is ok too.

muddleup Sat 17-Nov-12 21:41:08

I'm in Scotland,
I dont want to leave my kids but it feels like I have no choice, feels like everything I touch I taint, make wrong, if I wasn't here then they would be ok.
I keep getting it wrong, I see everything in my head that I need to say but when it comes time to say it it comes out a garbled mess that doesnt make sense, even trying to write it down doesnt help its still a mixed up mess.

I dont know what to do

muddleup Sat 17-Nov-12 21:46:52

The kids are still up, have no idea if my oldest is coming home tonight or not so I'm going to go and shut myself in my room and try and phone Breathing space.

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 21:50:15

You are making sense to me.

Would it help to say on here what you think you have tainted or got a bit wrong. You may not have got it wrong, or if you have, everyone gets things a bit wrong sometimes.

Like NanaNina says,depression can make people think things that are not actually very true.

amillionyears Sat 17-Nov-12 21:51:16

x post.

Good idea to ring Breathing space while you have the chance to.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 21:57:44

Good plan, give them a ring.
Your kids will adore you for who you are. They probably have no idea you feel this way and would do anything to help you if they knew you were thinking the way you are. They would not be ok if you were not here.

Sometimes it is really hard to say the right thing, I find myself saying things I know are really stupid, because I feel awkward or am not sure what to say, it might be worse in your head than it sounds out loud?

Do you have a partner in rl who can help you? Or parents?

You are closer to being able to call the crisis team, but million is right, can we help you a bit more now?

Another <hug> here from me muddleup.

I remember feeling very much just the way you describe. It can and will get better, honey, hold on.

Goonatic Sat 17-Nov-12 23:13:34

Am going to bed but will check on this thread tomorrow to see how you are muddle x

MysticMugBug Sat 17-Nov-12 23:20:29

I have an anxiety disorder and take sertraline tabs. They help so much.
The fact that you want your children to be happy and are the best you can for them makes you a good mum.
Well done, i know exactly how hard it can be. I hope you get some help soon xxxx

Goonatic Sun 18-Nov-12 10:54:30

How are you this morning muddle?

amillionyears Sun 18-Nov-12 15:45:32

Hi muddleup.
Were you able to ring Breathing space. I hope they were of some use to you.

Have you been able to ring the crisis team also?
I hope they are more use to you than they appeared to be before.

amillionyears Sun 18-Nov-12 22:41:57

You havent come back on here today.
Hope you have had a better day than yesterday.

noraa Mon 19-Nov-12 09:29:27

sorry for your situation sad
have you tried buoprion?
its a diffrent category ad.
hope you get better.

Halfling Mon 19-Nov-12 11:13:51

Why do you want to leave? What has your psyciatrist and crisis team been telling you?

Come back and talk to us muddle.

whiteandyelloworchid Mon 19-Nov-12 11:24:58

hope your ok or as ok as you can be muddle

thinking of you

muddleup Tue 20-Nov-12 01:18:16

If I wasn't here anymore how would they tell my kids?
Would they tell them I didn't love them enough to stay or would they tell them I loved them too much to hurt them anymore by staying feeling like this?
My friends it wouldn't matter what they were told and my family would be relieved that the dirty little tramp got what she deserved and was dead.

amillionyears Tue 20-Nov-12 07:31:30

So glad you are back on here muddleup.

I dont know you or your family.
But from what little you have said, I am pretty sure your children would be told that their mum loved them a great deal indeed. That she was ill, and got a bit muddled, and couldnt see her way through right then.

Do you want to say a little about what has happened in your life, particularly about your parents or siblings?

whiteandyelloworchid Tue 20-Nov-12 09:19:55

hi muddle up

i think it would be more about how your children felt themselves rather than what people may or maynot say iyswim

i know one of my best friends her dad killed himself and she feels very rejected and angry
and feels liek she wasnt enough for him
then she feel guilty and thats she couldnt stop him and also guilty that shes angry with him

its a whole load of really negative emotions to leave someone you love with

i 100% believe theres a way you can feel better, with the right help and medication etc
please please do not kill yourself please do not do that to your dc
please call 999 if need be to get the help asap

there is help out there, you can feel better

if you want you can try and talk to us all on here about whats making you feel so sad we can try and help

whiteandyelloworchid Tue 20-Nov-12 09:21:05

and dont forget you can give your children something noone else can, a mothers love
which really love is the most important thing above all else really when it comes down to it

CuriousMama Tue 20-Nov-12 09:29:43

You deserve a life, not just for your dcs but for you. Don't let others opinion hurt you anymore. If anyone has judged you then are they human too? We all do things that we may regret? Maybe I read it wrong but sounds as if your family calling you names means they've judged you? Are they perfect? No, because non of us are. Deep down feelings can really do a lot of harm. You should try to get help and get them out, you may think they're all out but they most likely won't be? Once you can sort out what's gone on, in your own head, then you can start to heal. Be kind to yourself. You are a good person. You wouldn't care about anyone else if not. Please please try to move on from this day and go forward. Every small step is one step towards joy. You deserve this.

When is your appointment with your GP? We'll all hold your hand xx

whiteandyelloworchid Tue 20-Nov-12 09:49:04

i agree with cm, you also deserve to be happy for youself too.

muddleup Tue 20-Nov-12 20:55:44

My mum and dad aren't nice people, they did bad things, my sisters they could do no wrong, they were good girls, I was a bad girl and they hurt me.
I never get it right

noraa Tue 20-Nov-12 21:59:21

i think there are a few threads on mn about famillies like yours.
if you read them it can help you.
if you are not happy with your family do you have to see them?
dont waste your life because of them.
because of them yr children may lose their mum, does it worth it?
hope you will get better soon sad

amillionyears Tue 20-Nov-12 22:22:24

I thought it was probably something like that, muddleup. sad and <hugs>.

I also suspect you were not the "bad" girl at all. I suspect you were probably in the right more often than any of them.

I also suspect you have got it right since having children, many many times over.

CuriousMama Tue 20-Nov-12 22:27:56

Muddleup thank God they didn't have me as a dd! I was a twat!

But now I know better I do better. Or at least try to blush

I hope you can see some brightness in your days,soon? x

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