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I want to hit my baby

(54 Posts)

I won't. He is not at risk of abuse, I will not harm him. But the urge is there.

I am alone with him as DH has taken DD to the doctor. I haven't had an unbroken night's sleep since before DD was born (she is 3.4) and have had less than 3 hours a night all week as we all have horrible colds and DS can barely breathe, he's so stuffy.

I was going to take DD to the doctor except that DS started rubbing his eyes and yawning so I had to stay here with him. An hour later and he's still fucking awake. I am tired, I am exhausted, I am in pain from my back and sinuses and I am a horrible mother because I keep getting the urge to slap him.

I am on Sertraline for PND (second time around

Posted too soon as DS headbutted me. I don't know whether this is due to tiredness or depression or what but I don't want to feel like this.

Vivalebeaver Fri 16-Nov-12 18:58:30

You're not a horrible mother as you're not acting on these feelings.

Does your Dh know? Can you talk to him?

Do you feel you could tell your gp? Maybe your meds need tweaking?

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 18:59:18

Oh god, you poor poor poor thing. I can vividly remember standing in the doorway of my old house not daring to go in because I knew I would throw her out of the window,undiagnosed PND.
Can your DH sort them both out tonight so you can go to sleep. Can you on me where you live and if I am near I can help you. It is a desperate feeling but it will pass.
Also go to your doctor to review your medication if you are still feeling,like this.

44SoStartingOver Fri 16-Nov-12 18:59:52

Put baby in cot now.

Call your husband.

You need to get some help now.

He won't come to any harm in his cot. Stay away from him for now.

Stay calm and take precautions.

DH knows about the depression but not about this. I don't know how my GP would react if I told her.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 19:01:15

Oh Puddle I have been there and it is horrid. You are not a bad mother, you are unwell.

Will your DH take over with them both when he gets back?

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:01:59

It could be a combination of both. The optimum conditions for ADs to work can't be as little sleep as you have had this week.

Are you able to do shifts with your DH wrt sleep? Even if that means one of you getting your head down as early as 7pm, until 11?

sleepyhead Fri 16-Nov-12 19:02:30

You need to see your GP again - there's no shame in what you've said, but you do need to tell someone.

You also need sleep. Could you even have a night in a Travelodge or stay overnight with a friend or something if dd & ds are both keeping you up? Dh can manage a night on his own surely?

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:02:36

Have you got any rl help nearby? And I meant pm me...!

Once DD is settled DH can take over with DS - DD is being a Daddy's girl atm and I'm not good enough for her. sad I know it's a phase but I feel like I'm such a rubbish mother to both of them.

DS is happily crawling around the bed atm.

44SoStartingOver Fri 16-Nov-12 19:03:16

I think you should tell dh so he understands more fully

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 19:03:17

Yes where are you?

Your GP will think you have done the right thing by talking about it.

No one will judge you.

PND is horrific, but you have to talk about it to the GP, to your DH in order to get help.

Put the baby in the cot and go and make yourself a coffee.

ArthurandGeorge Fri 16-Nov-12 19:04:39

You must tell your DH and your GP about your thoughts (and have you had any thoughts about harming yourself)?

Tonight you need some sleep. Tell your DH this and if you can get any help with your DC get it.

When you tell your GP she should be understanding and supportive. She shoulfd offer to refer you on to specialist support, get your HV to see if their service can offer you any more help and consider if you are on the right meds/dose.

DH deals with DD at night while I look after DS (he's high-needs, very demanding and breastfed so we co-sleep). DD is a restless sleeper.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:06:02

The 'rubbish mother' feelings are the PND talking. You know that, but the sleep deprivation is clouding things.

Get through tonight, split the sleep into 4hr blocks and go and see your GP on Monday.

I'm in West Sussex. As well as DH my parents are nearby but they're both ill atm too, otherwise my mum could help out.

No thoughts about harming myself, which is actually progress as I'm a lifelong self-harmer. And I know I will not hurt DS. It just frightens me that the thought popped into my head.

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:08:02

Also can you do anything to help dd, blackout blinds, milky drink, sticker chart to keep her in bed? Sleep deprivation is such a bastard, coupled with PND it must just be unbearable. Is dd at nursery in the week? And does DS sleep in the day, ie can you catch up at all?
You have masses of sympathy from me, and I echo the others, your DH needs to know how bad you feel.

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:10:15

Ok, think this... You only have max 48 hours left to go until the cold starts to clear up, for all of you and your mum. Give the DC's to DH, go to bed and as beer says, go to the doc on Monday. Am not anywhere near you so am sorry I can't pop over and take over. X

Oh DD sleeps fairly well and stays I'm bed, but she suffers from nightmares and is a sleep-talker/shouter too.

I will talk to DH later.

Goonatic Fri 16-Nov-12 19:11:32

(((hug)))

decktheballs Fri 16-Nov-12 19:12:17

First time I have admitted to having those thoughts too. Ds1 is now seven and I had undiagnosed pnd. They do pass but it would be helpful if you could mention it to your dr and dh if you think he would understand? Mines wouldn't which made things harder.
It WILL get better.

BillyBollyBandy Fri 16-Nov-12 19:15:06

You will be okay, thoughts can come into your head when you are tired past exhaustion. It isn't always connected with mental health.

You know you won't hurt him, and I trust you on that, but you need to tell your DH and you need to see the GP about possibly increasing the meds.

I've been there, so I genuinely do know what you are talking about.

If you can express,or bottle feed, to get yourself some rest do it

I thought ADs would help, would make this easier to cope with. But I'm struggling just as badly as I did the first time I had PND, when I refused medication. I thought the ADs were working but I guess they can't be if I feel like this.

Namechangeforapropertythread Fri 16-Nov-12 19:18:18

Can your husband take both children out for a walk tomorrow morning so you can have alie in and get some sleep?

Karoleann Fri 16-Nov-12 19:19:46

He'll be fine. Give him calpol, sunfflebabe on his chest and put him in his cot. He will go to sleep eventually. He will go waaaaahhhhhh. But you need to ignore him.
You will want to go up.......but ignore him, its only a cold.
Have a glass of wine and a sinutab and sit and watch TV and then have a very early night.
When you have all had a good sleep tomorrow everything will feel so much better,
You are not a bad mother - children are very irritating and wonderful all at the same time.

5madthings Fri 16-Nov-12 19:21:42

what tantrums said, speak to your dh and your gp, its good you are posting here and acknowleding this, its not you its the pnd, you KNOW you would never do this, but sometimes we can think scary things. make sure you get a break as soon as dh gets in, have a cup of a tea, a bath etc. you need to look after yourself, you will get better, reach out for help just like you have done on here xxx

BillyBollyBandy Fri 16-Nov-12 19:23:51

You can feel like this when meds are working. It doesn't have to be a mental health issue

It is an exhaustion issue, that is testing your mental health. That is a different thing.

Thank you all for being so kind.

DH has put DD to bed and has DS now, so I have some peace for a little while before round 2 starts.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:27:54

Go and have a lie down. You don't have to try to sleep (I know the prospect of having to wake up in a short while can be stressful in itself). Just lie somewhere dark and let your mind drift away from the immediate stresses.

Go to sleep puddle

Even if it's just for a few hours.

Iceaddict Fri 16-Nov-12 19:29:34

Agree with others. Just wanted to say I get you. I've felt like you do. I hope you feel better soon, and you will be better it just doesn't feel like it now

ImNotCute Fri 16-Nov-12 19:31:07

Glad you're getting a break now. I have 2 young dcs and am on sertraline too. My gp increased my dose a couple of months ago and it has definitely helped. Maybe you need higher dose too? And have you had any other treatment, i found a short course of cbt helpful.

Take care of yourself, you'll get through it. Even without depression it can be tough sometimes with reduced sleep.

MyLastDuchess Fri 16-Nov-12 19:36:31

I am lucky that I didn't have PND but I wanted to remind you that sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. I spent a week in hospital when my DS was born and what with one thing and another I barely got a wink of sleep. I was hallucinating at the end of it. Lack of sleep can cause all sorts of problems, it doesn't mean the meds aren't working.

Get as much sleep as you can and if your DH can do anything at all to let you sleep tomorrow then please, ask him to do it. It sounds like you need it desperately, you poor thing.

I had CBT last time and try to use the techniques as often as I remember.

I'm lying in the dark now with white noise on and I feel a bit foolish about my panic. It was just so overwhelming.

Badvocsanta Fri 16-Nov-12 19:40:04

((Hugs))

ImNotCute Fri 16-Nov-12 19:42:19

No need to feel foolish, it is overwhelming sometimes. Hope you have an ok night and dh can give you a break over the weekend.

BeerTricksPott3r Fri 16-Nov-12 19:43:28

I packed my rucksack at 2am and fully intended to walk out the door due to PND and sleep deprivation. It is overwhelming. It's awful.

You will get through this. You will. It's the weekend, does that mean no work for you or DH? Sleep is your priority in the next 48 hours - grab as much as you can. Then see your GP and they will advise whether your ADs are working ineffectively due to illness and lack of sleep or if they need to be changed.

MrsWolowitz Fri 16-Nov-12 19:46:24

Oh poor you.

I'm currently afflicted with PND and am off work sick with it, its a terrible illness.

Are you aware of intrusive thoughts? I think things like you have described and felt so terribly guilty. Its not that I would ever do it but I would get these desturbing compulsions and thoughts. Turns out its intrusive thoughts.

You are not a bad mother. You are just unwell and you will get better.

I've been there.

You need a break. Tomorrow. You're having a little one now, but get DH to take them both for a walk, or to tesco, or anything. Have a hot bath, some chocolate, read or watch some crap on TV. Doze if you can. Just a couple of hours to yourself, at home, without being mummy might be enough to help you through to an improved place.

It sounds very like intrusive thoughts, as MrsW said. They're fucking horrible things. Have a chat with your GP.

<hugs>

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 16-Nov-12 19:54:25

hugs.

I wanted to throw my 11 day old baby at the wall at 2am in the morning because he wouldnt sleep and just cried all the time which made me feel guilty and crap.

I did Not hurt my baby.

My dh took him downstairs and put him to sleep in his carry cot and sleeped on the sofa with the carrycot on the floor next to him for 6 weeks so i could get some sleep.

It took me 18 months to have a full breakdown and get help sad

Im still on 150mg of sertaline.

But it gets better.

Thank you. I have DS back now as he's still dreadfully tired and needs to go to sleep, but DH is cooking dinner so once DS is settled I shall have something lovely to eat and then I will go to bed.

And on Monday I will call the GP.

Charleebird Fri 16-Nov-12 20:06:43

I had PND so bad i wanted to hurt my son every waking moment. I hated him. I felt like he had ruined my life. I wanted to punch him or throw him on the floor. I would never ever do that, but the thoughts were there. I am now fully recovered. Hes 4 years old and i look back and im shocked. But it was the depression talking. Please see your gp. X

AnAirOfHopeForSnow Fri 16-Nov-12 20:12:51

Also I had counciling for 6 weeks, i did a parenting class, a first aid class, cooking lessons and food hygine course thru sure start centre to increase my confidence in being a parent to my son. Who will be 4 in Feb.

My dd will be 1 in a few weeks. I dont have PND with her and it is soooo different. I can now see what was depression and what was not.

ChippingInLovesAutumn Fri 16-Nov-12 20:13:51

Big hugs lovely x From what I can gather from the many posters on here the Drs normally put people on quite low doses to start with and keep increasing them until the dose is right, so hopefully that will help some.

The other thing that someone else said is that it's not entirely PND but severe sleep deprivation sad You need more sleep. You need to do whatever it takes to get that. You have BF DS for a good while - maybe it's time to consider mixed feeding so that DH can do nights & whilst co-sleeping is 'nice' it's not the right answer for everyone - maybe you could look at having DS in a cot in your room, you might all sleep better. You can't carry on like this.

Tbh co-sleeping was a response to DS refusing to sleep - he and I usually get a relatively good night's sleep when he's not full of snot. But this week has been an absolute killer. DH has been sleeping on the sofa so he can get up to DD without disturbing me or DS but DS just hasn't slept well. Hopefully this cold will pass soon!

ArthurandGeorge Fri 16-Nov-12 20:44:54

With DS I'm not sure that I had undiagnosed but I do know that I had horrendous sleep deprivation that made me truly struggle to function. I wish I had tried to address this earlier on.

EwanHoozami Fri 16-Nov-12 20:46:15

Oh love - you've been hugely brave admitting this to yourself and writing your feelings down.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scheherezade Fri 16-Nov-12 21:41:53

Do you have a bedtime routine for either DC? My DS (13 months) has a bath, then bottle and bed every night, hasn't missed a bath since he was 3mo, even though we travel a lot and are away from home.

I used to have him in our room/co sleep till my pnd became extreme and I was admitted to a mother and baby ward. He had to sleep in a separate room to me, and it was the first night in his life that he slept through.

Yes, they both have a bedtime routine. I think part of the problem this evening was that DS had an extra nap today as he was so tired after a bad night (he kept snuffling himself awake, poor boy) and so wasn't as tired as usual at bedtime.

He's very similar to DD - she was very high-needs too (although I didn't know it was called that at the time) and she didn't sleep through the night until after her 2nd birthday. We tried all kinds of sleep training and it just made things worse. sad

showtunesgirl Fri 16-Nov-12 22:13:40

Oh Joyful. sad

Keep talking to us here as well.

I had thoughts like this when DD was very little after a traumatic birth and I so wish I'd spoken to someone. I think it's very common from what I've heard.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 16-Nov-12 22:21:09

Puddle mine didn't sleep either - DS2 still isn't brilliant and he is 20 months. He will be awake in the night for an hour quite often, and he wants to be held, talked to etc.

We have tried some kind of sleep training with him, but he doesn't settle himself, just winds himself up into hysteria so we don't do that anymore because I worry about cortisol levels.

It does get better, and gradually things get easier. Hang in there, you are doing a good job. One day you will realise that you are looking back on this time from a better place.

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