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Am I having a breakdown?

(681 Posts)
Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 13:54:18

Name changer. Have felt odd for weeks, felt like I was watching Christmas and new year from the outside. Didn't enjoy either. Put it down to be pre menstrual that week. It hasn't got better. My temper is terrible. I picked a fight with DH on the way to the supermarket yesterday with the dcs in the car and I actually got out of the car and started to walk home. I shocked myself with my behaviour. Afterwards I just felt flat and sad. Couldn't sleep last night. Today I am just crying and couldn't get out of bed. DH made me get up. I have been crying over lots of things that happened years ago, things I don't even think about anymore. I've sobbed today over my lovely grandma who died 9 years ago. I can't cope. I am tired. I am sad. I feel guilty because DH is so good and kind and I'm a crap wife and a crap mum. I must have frightened my boys yesterday and they'll remember that forever. I won't have sex. I fat and I always look scruffy. I can't stop eying and I just want to go back to bed but I can't let DH down more than I already am. He has made me an appointment with the doctor for tomorrow. I am a failure. Please someone help me.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:03:50

Crying not eying

VikingBlood Mon 16-Jan-12 14:06:18

Very un MN, but <hugs> , sounds like depression, glad you've made an appointment, can you eat some chocolate and have a cuppa for now?

PiggyMad Mon 16-Jan-12 14:07:21

It certainly sounds like how I was when I was at my lowest with anxiety/depression. It is a horrible place to be and I definitely think going to the doctor is a good idea - just tell him/her how you feel and they will sort out some help in the way of counselling/cbt/medication.

Don't feel guilty about your behaviour - your DCs won't be harmed by a one-off falling out between you and DH. You aren't letting your family down - you are ill and you need a rest.

Be kind to yourself - cry if you feel like it, have a bath, make sure you eat well and healthily even if you don't feel hungry, can you go out for a walk in the fresh air?

Hopefully some wiser Mnetters will be around with more/better advice.

LineRunner Mon 16-Jan-12 14:14:34

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but glad you will be getting help.

Please don't worry about your DCs, but do think through how you are communicating with them. Tell them that you are not feeling too well, and that you are seeing a doctor, and that dad/daddy has been a terrific help. Don't let them guess in the dark about what's wrong because they'll guess all the worst things and it will be that anxiety that could cause problems, rather than the fact of you feeling down. Make sure there are still cuddles and 'I love yous,' and you will all get through this.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:19:53

Thank you. I can't go out. I just can't. I don't want to go the doctor but I have to for DH. I am pathetic. I have a life that lots of people would envy but I am so ungrateful. I feel like my family, not DH and the kids, my parents and wider family, I feel like they don't really love me and they are just acting, I know that sounds mad. Maybe I am mad. I should have been at a family event today and didn't want to go because I felt everyone would be thinking how fat and scruffy I look. Usually I like getting together with family. I am good in social situations and will talk to anyone. I can't do that anymore. At Christmas I felt like I didn't even know them. Shit! I am going mad aren't I? It sounds so crazy. I want to curl in a ball and give up.

Gooshka Mon 16-Jan-12 14:20:33

Bless you, I have never experienced this (apart from PMS which sometimes makes me feel I am losing my mind completely) but I do feel for people who do. Try not to be hard on yourself - at least you've taken the first step now and hopefully the doctor will be able to give you the help you need. Sounds like you have a lovely, supportive husband too. Hope you feel better soon xx

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:21:11

I am so fightened of anyone finding out. I have told DH not to tell anyone Andy know that is unfair but I can't face anyone.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:23:16

He is lovely and supportive. He deserves so much more than I give him. I keep asking if he loves me and making him promise that he does. I just keep saying how sorry I am. Oh please help me

PiggyMad Mon 16-Jan-12 14:28:49

You aren't going mad - honestly. Going to the doctor will hopefully help get you some coping strategies and no-one will be judging you. Can you put a good film on for the afternoon or have a bath or a snooze?

PiggyMad Mon 16-Jan-12 14:30:06

Also - if you go to the mental heath board there are some lovely posters on there who have felt exactly the same way as you do now.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:36:27

Thank you. I feel like they would be better off without me. I am just causing them upset. DH could find someone else. Someone who would be better at everything. I know all this is irrational, I do but it's how I feel. I want walk away and keep going or go to bed and never wake up.

They absolutely would not be better off without you. That is depression talking. It's an illness which can be successfully treated...take it from one who has been there smile

Hang on in there and talk honestly with your doctor. I promise that you will get better.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:44:02

I am so tired.

Jacksterbear Mon 16-Jan-12 14:51:45

Do keep that doctor's appmt. Print out your OP or write a list of symptoms if you think you are likely to fall apart and not be able to speak when you get there.

Anti-depressants and exercise have really helped sort me out when I have been where you are.

<un MN hugs>

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 14:54:03

I don't think I can go. I don't think I can do it

I could have written your post last October! What you are describing is exactly how I felt. I managed to get to the doctor and he prescribed anti-depressants (a really low dose). That was increased slightly in December but is still low.
I now feel great! I feel like I am back to being me again for the first time in ages (probably years if I am honest).
Just explain to the doctor how you feel. Cry if you want to (you probably will anyway, I did). There is no need to feel ashamed or embarrassed, they have seen it before.
Remember that depression is an illness and you need help to get better and that might include tablets.
I will be thinking of you tomorrow

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:17:00

But what if I'm not ill? What if I'm just a horrible person. I can't explain what I mean because I suppose I've not really done anything wrong, except it feels like I'm doing everything wrong. I am sick of sorting everyone else's problems out but that just make sme a bitch. I should want to help the people I care about. I don't know if I love any of them, I don't know if I know what love is. I don't think I'm making much sense but all these thoughts are jumbled in y head and I want to let them out. I am scared. I am scared that they will make me go to hospital if I tell them what is really happening in my head.i am scared that DH will get pissed off and stop loving me. I don't know if he loves me. Does he just feel a duty because of our time together and our children? I want to scream and cry and just let it all out but I'm afraid I won't stop. Am I crazy? Why are these thoughts in my head? I think I feel worse than I did when I woke up. I want to crawl back in bed.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:27:05

Please can I keep typing, even if no one replies, it feels better to get it out. Last night I went to a family memorial service, it wasn't anyone close to me and I only went as support for my mum. Her cousin said something about someone she knew and how their child is naughty and they feel it's retribution. I felt she was aiming the comment at me, I think I am feeling paranoid becaused I want to say I'm sure she wasn't but I still feel that she was. DH has cancelled all his plans today and the dc will miss an activity, I told him to go but he said he would rather be with me if I am unwell. I feel so guilty and pathetic. I am so very lucky to be married to such a fantastic man and our children are our pride and joy. I am so lucky. It makes me feel even worse though when I think how lucky I am because I am letting everyone down. I have been through some things in my life but they are over and I should be living in the present not the past. I can't carry on like this but I just don't know if I can get dressed and go out. What if I cry in the waiting room? I never cry. Even my oldest friends have only even seen me cry maybe once or twice in 20 years. I pick up the pieces, I don't fall to pieces. I am the strong one, without that, who am I?

TobyLeWolef Mon 16-Jan-12 15:32:19

Oh, poor you sad

Please make sure you go to the doctors tomorrow.

Look back at what you just wrote: I am so very lucky to be married to such a fantastic man and our children are our pride and joy. I am so lucky.

Are they the words of "just a horrible person"? No way.

Your DH sounds amazing, and like he loves you very much. Let him look after you, but please 'repay' him for his understanding by going to the appointment he's made you.

30SecondsToMarsBars Mon 16-Jan-12 15:33:51

The woman who said that a naughty child is retribution is talking out of her arse.

Keep talking on here.

30SecondsToMarsBars Mon 16-Jan-12 15:34:46

Being sick of sorting out other people's problems does not make you horrible. It makes you human.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:40:32

DH has gone to pick up dcs from school, he hasn't got any of his work done today. HI hope he loves me Toby, I just don't feel loveable if that makes sense. He asked why I would think he didn't love me and I said because I wouldn't love me if I was him. I don't want him to be out of the house. I want him sat with all the time holding my hand and stroking my hair but I know that isn't right or possible. My babies are my life but I don't feel like I love them today. I don't want them to come home from school. I wish I could send them somewhere for a few days. I just want DH. What is happening to me? I not a needy person. I like my space. I just want DH, I just want us to go to bed and cuddle and cry and stay where its warm and safe. Everything and everyone that has hurt me in my life is flooding back today. I feel like I'm drowning.

TobyLeWolef Mon 16-Jan-12 15:51:30

Of course he loves you, and of course you are lovable. Your brain is just doing odd things at the moment, which is why your doctors appointment is so important.

Would it help you to write down some of these things you're feeling, so that you don't forget to tell your doctor anything at the appointment?

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 15:55:13

Isn't know Toby. I don't know if can say these things. What if they think I am crazy? I feel crazy. DH will be with me.

mummylin Mon 16-Jan-12 16:03:41

You can go to the doctors apt and do you know why ? its because the love you have for your children and Dh shines through and you want to get better for them. Dont be scared.Wishing you all the best and i hope you are soon on the way to recovery.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 16:08:32

Thank you mummmylin I hope you are right. I'm going to go down and see the boys now but will be back in a little while.

VikingBlood Mon 16-Jan-12 16:11:18

Hello again, talk as much as you want, there will always be someone here to listen. I know (believe me I do) how hard it is to go to someone in RL and say how you feel, you worry that they may laugh or tell you to grow up, but your GP won't, he can refer you to someone specialised in helping people with depression, and you can get the medication you need (if indeed you do need it, sometimes just having a dr to talk to about it can be enough), it really is worth going.

mummylin Mon 16-Jan-12 16:12:43

I know i am right.I have a sister with bi-polar but her last episode was 5yrs ago.In that time she has recovered,remarried and now expecting twins in 3 and a half weeks,her life is competely turned around ,thanks to treatment from the right people.The doctors are here to help you,but if you dont go they cant help.Im sure that mumsnetters will virtually go with you !!

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 17:18:10

Thank you. I let dh read this thread. He said he felt like crying. Am on my phone while the dc play. I made tea. I couldn't eat it but I sat with them while they all ate. They are so funny and lovely. Ds2 (6) is on my knee now. I do love them, of course I do. Ds2 is making ds3 laugh.
Why does this happen to some people? Nothing is going wrong in my life. There are the constant struggles and stresses but no more than usual.
This has happened before. A few times. There has always been a trigger before so I could sort out the problem, work through it and move on.
Once, in my late teens, I shut the curtains and didn't go anywhere for 3 weeks. Noone noticed. I picked myself up and moved on with my life. I don't know if I'm that person anymore though. I feel even more rejected by my family than I ever did because I know now how it should be. How much we should love our children. I am a self pitying and pathetic. I know that.

mummylin Mon 16-Jan-12 17:21:33

No you certainly are not pathetic or self pitying,quite simply you are ill and no-one can help that. It sounds like you have a lovely dh and im sure he will give you all the support you need.And of course you will have support from us on here .

VikingBlood Mon 16-Jan-12 17:22:31

Something about an imbalance of chemicals in the nervous system. I'm blind as a bat a bit short sighted, my neighbour has IBS, a friend is bi-polar, no reason, just the luck of the draw in life I guess.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 17:29:48

Thank you for being so nice. You are making me cry. I will go to the doctor. Im just not sure how they can help but I will go

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 18:06:45

Baby in bed early, ds2 gone to an activity and ds1 snuggled with me watching dancing on ice. I still want to hide away and cry but my children come first.

Gooshka Mon 16-Jan-12 18:46:34

It's me again, I keep reading this thread as I feel so worried about you and I'm typing this with tears in my eyes. Can I just say first of all that you are definitely not a horrible person ... I can see this just by reading your posts. For a start, horrible people don't even KNOW they're horrible so they certainly don't seek help or try and analyse their feelings. You are desperate for help because you don't like the way you are feeling and thinking and I think you are an extremely brave lady for opening up here (and to your husband) and being very honest about what you are feeling inside. Please don't knock yourself for that. Of course you love your husband and children and they all love you. Because you feel so low and depressed, you are unable to see yourself as loveable but you just need to trust that you are.
Although I have no first-hand experience of this (as I mentioned before), my friend did go through something similar. She is happily married with an 11-year-old son from a previous relationship and all seemed 'fine and dandy' but she woke up one morning and started crying ... she didn't stop crying for days and could shake off the feeling of deep despair that was inside her. She couldn't explain it, there was no rational explanation. She even found herself rocking to and fro in a chair at one point and she really worried that she was losing her mind. In the end, she did go to the doctors and she broke down at the reception desk. They took her straight through to the doctor and they were LOVELY ... they gave her tissues, listened to her, sympathised and got her an immediate counsellor to help her. They did also prescribe a mild anti-depressent to help in the meantime (which she no longer needs incidentally). When she saw the counseller it transpired that she had a lot of unresolved issues from her past, not least undiagnosed post-natal depression from 11 years ago!! She admitted that she had never quite bonded with her son (which she felt terrible about) and it was all linked to his traumatic birth and the fact that his biological father had walked out on her shortly afterwards. She was very strong at the time and remarried a lovely man but, obviously, the issues remained unresolved.

Please believe that you are not going crazy ... you just need some mental nurturing and a little help at the moment. Please don't knock yourself, I do not see any self-pity in your posts - I see someone crying out for help and, I promise you that when you go to the doctors you will get it. Keep communicating with your husband and telling him how you feel - good idea showing him this thread as sometimes it's easier to write your feelings down.

Please do keep posting so that we all know you're ok xx

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:01:26

Gooshka, thank you so much. You have no idea how much your post meant. I am crying again now! The kindness of total strangers is overwhelming. Just laughed actually because dh forgot ds2 was at his activity and even when I reminded him of the time he still didn't see the significance and has rushed off to get him! First laugh of the day, got to be a good thing!

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:03:28

Can I talk about the things that have surfaced today? I don't want to be accused of drip feeding. I just don't know why these things matter anymore now than they did 2 months ago iyswim

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:07:11

And gooshka, thank you for sharing the story of your friend, I had mild pnd after ds2 and dh suggested it could be this agin but as ds3 is over 1 I thought too much time had lapsed

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:07:17

And gooshka, thank you for sharing the story of your friend, I had mild pnd after ds2 and dh suggested it could be this agin but as ds3 is over 1 I thought too much time had lapsed

Gooshka Mon 16-Jan-12 19:08:20

Oh I'm so glad you have managed to laugh! Please do keep talking/posting ... it's the best medicine xx

Gooshka Mon 16-Jan-12 19:09:44

Yes, PND can occur many years after the birth ... not many women are aware of that and I only know because of my friend x

Greenknowe Mon 16-Jan-12 19:12:25

Idontdeservethem I couldn't read and not post.

Sometimes depression is (very accurately) described as anger turned inwards; would you judge any of your friends as harshly as you're berating yourself right now?

Please, please go to your GP tomorrow. I've been in your position, I know how crushed you are feeling. I remember once sitting on a park bench during midsummer, the sun on my face, a warm breeze rustling through my hair, and children running past. Life was going well- I had a good job, a lovely dp and we were decorating our first flat together. Yet I was sitting there hysterically crying, it had taken all my energy to leave the house, and inside I just felt swallowed up with grief and clammy darkness. I may as well have been sitting at the bottom of a well.

Trust me, it will get better if you seek help; you can't fight it on your own.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:20:50

I am going to tell you what came up today. There are a few things. I don't know why they came up today but they did. The first is my grandma. She was the only person in my family I felt unconditionally loved and supported me. I spent hours with her and talking to her on the phone. She died before ds1 was 1 but she adored him and me. Last night's memorial made me think of her as the anniversary was this month. I miss her so much that my heart aches, it actually aches. She would love ds2 and ds3 and she has missed so much and we have missed having her. She died nearly a decade ago. Sometimes I still dial her number but don't let it ring. Is that mad? She was my lovely, lovely grandma and I want her here right now to hug me and tell me she is proud of me and loves me. Silly I know.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:25:30

I told dh today about something that happened many years ago, before we met. I was working abroad, I came home drunk one night and a stranger in a car offered me a lift. I got in. I don't know why. I was young and silly. The man told me he had a gun and wanted sex. I fought him and got away but not before he got what he wanted. I never told anyone before today. I had told him I'd been attacked in the street but said I had got away. I never admitted to Nyone that I got in his car. I never told anyone at the time and I don't know why I told him today.

Mittzchief Mon 16-Jan-12 19:27:24

It sounds like you are in a very low place and there can be many reasons how we get into them.
I have been and what you write resonates so much with how I have felt.

I am currently in a much better place and hope you start making the steps soon that gets you back to yours.

But try to remember that however dark things seem, it can, and will improve, and even if you keep talking on MN for a while and getting the things out of your head, that is a key step to helping your self.

It is possible that everything has bubbled up and become raw again, maybe because, naturally, we repress these things and sometimes the time comes where we have to deal with them. And that is painful.

It is like grieving, and there are stages to healing and the process of going through them can be tough but what brings us out of the other side.

FWIW, you come across as lovely, warm, considerate and someone who very much deserves the love of a lovely man like your DH.

I know how hard it is to see the other side of where you are now, but it is there and I wish you all the best in getting there x

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:33:03

Mittzchief thank you for replying. Thank you for your kind words. I hope no key minds If I am a little self indulgent and tell all the things that are weighing on my mind. They are all in the past and I will send them back there soon I promise but today I need to talk. I need to explain how I feel. I need to explain how I've always felt for all these years. I love my dh and my beautiful, beautiful boys but i know there is always a part in me that never feels worthy of the wonderful people I live with.

Mittzchief Mon 16-Jan-12 19:44:51

I was told that the need to keep talking is important on two levels... like being sick and getting a bug out of our system, and in a way we will keep being sick, or talking until it has gone, or the issues in our minds become more manageable, because locking them in our heads somehow makes them grow...

And the other things is most of us need 'witnesses' to hear and empathise with our hurts. It doesn't change what happened but in a way sharing them truly does help diminish them.

Like you, I was raped, but for many years could not even acknowledge that that was what happened, and it becomes like a cancer in the mind. Talking and talking has done much to assuage the guilt I felt...

Lovey, getting in the car was in no way a justification for some monster to do what he did sad and it sounds like you blame yourself for an 'error of judgement'.
He was simply a bastard. A monster. Normal, decent human beings don't go round making opportunistic attacks.

Try to imagine that you are your own friend, and how much you would want to help them and offer a hand in helping them... that is what you deserve x

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 19:54:07

Mittzchief. I have never thought of myself as being raped, I know that sOunds mad. I have heard countless stories of victims blaming themselves and never understood it or associAted it with my experience. I don't deserve your kind was or the kindness of anyone on here. I am wallowing and I have my dh and my husband to think of but I can stop and I can't stop crying. I just apologised to ds1 about yesterday and told him I was wrong but that everyone gets cross sometimes. I told him how much I love him, because I really really do. My poor, poor babies, I wanted them to have a much better mummy than I ever had. I whispered to them all when they were tiny newborns that everyday I would tell them I love them and I would never let them down but I do let them down. I am so very very sad

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 20:01:14

I am adopted. I trAced my birth mother years ago and have had a very up and down relationship. Last year she told me to stay away and that she did me a favour not aborting me because I found out my birth father was not my Borg father. This sounds so Jeremy Kyle and so far fetched but I promise you it is true. We are professional people with good morals and we do our best for our children and our family and friends. She is not like that. She hurt me so may times over the years but I kept going back for more. My adoptive family don't understand. I always felt like I don't belong anywhere. Dh and my boys and even Dhs family changed that. But today I feel like even the woman who gave birth to me hates me, and she does hate me

Lovemygirls Mon 16-Jan-12 20:06:04

I watch this when I am having a bad day I hope it helps you too

I know it's hard sometimes and a lot of people have felt the way you do, you are not alone and your children and dh would not be better without you just as mine would not be better off without me it's just your mind playing evil tricks on you. You will get better smile

Lovemygirls Mon 16-Jan-12 20:11:07

I also reccommend counselling, it really does help.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 20:27:34

Lovemygirls thank you. For some reason your link won't work on my phone. I did have counselling with varying degrees of success, I guess it's down to how good your counsellor is

Gooshka Mon 16-Jan-12 20:34:34

Yes you do deserve kindness!!! I'm wondering if you feel that somehow your life since getting married and having children is just 'too good to be true' because of all the crap you've had in the past and that you somehow don't 'deserve' it. Sometimes, having things go 'right' can make you depressed if that makes sense ... you're sort of waiting for it all to go wrong, wondering how your husband can love you so much etc? I'm only suggesting this as I've sometimes felt it myself.

I too was raped whilst in Falaraki, Greece over 20 years ago (I was only 19) and, funnily enough, I never considered it as 'rape' either until many years later. I felt I deserved it as I was a drunken mess (I'd been on the tequila slammers). I woke up to find a Greek man on top of me having sex. He'd climbed through the open window of my apartment after following me home and seeing an opportunity. When I woke, I screamed and managed to push him off. He stole my camera and jumped back out of the window. The next day, I stunk of tequila, felt horrible between my legs and felt like a silly, dirty tramp. Now, I realise that even if I'd walked the streets naked, I didn't deserve that. Like you didn't deserve what happened when you got in that car.

Also, you mention that you are adopted which, in itself, I can imagine raises all sorts of emotions. It sounds to me like you've put a lot of pressure on yourself to be a perfect mother due to not having your own biological mother and, in reality, that's impossible to achieve (I don't know any perfect mothers!) so you're constantly knocking yourself for it and feeling like you're failing.

I think you'll definitely benefit from counselling (get a real professional unlike an amateur like me!) and I hope you'll keep us all posted about how you get on at the doctors. xx

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mummylin Mon 16-Jan-12 20:44:22

I am glad to see that you are getting so much good response to your posts.Do please listen to what others are saying, it seems that things from your past are surfacing.Do be assured that you have been raped and its definately not your fault.when you go to your doctor tomorrow as i think you will, then the process of getting you back on track can begin.what time is your appointment ?

Shakey1500 Mon 16-Jan-12 20:51:55

Hello there

I have felt like you do now. You are not alone. Nor are you a horrible person. It is clear that you love your family and that they love you. If you didn't, you wouldn't be posting here and wouldn't have an appointment with the doctors tomorrow.

It can be very frightening, the way you feel now. For me it was as if a zillion things buried had risen to the surface and like my head was going to explode with the thoughts and feelings whizzing around it. None of it made sense.

Please tell the doctor everthing you are feeling, no matter how irrational you feel it is. Only then will you get the help you deserve. be kind to yourself! We ALL need help at some point in our lives and you are NO less deserving than anyone else.

Good luck and, yes, please keep posting/keep up updated. Look after yourself.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 21:58:24

Appointment is 9.30. Spoke to my best friend.
, asked dh to explain first cos I couldn't. I don't know why I hide things from her and dh because they are wonderful. I Am shaking i am so upset and emotional. I feel so very pathetic. I dont think I can speak to the doctor. Thank you so much for your lovely posts, I can't tell you how much it means. Thank you for sharing your stories. I know that isn't easy. There is so much more but I can't find he energy right now. I will repost I promise.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 21:59:42

And gooshka, yep, I'm waging for it all to wrong.

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 22:00:29

Waiting not waging

Idontdeservethem Mon 16-Jan-12 22:26:57

And gooshka again, thank you for telling your story, I'm sorry that happened to you

radiohelen Mon 16-Jan-12 22:35:31

Just read this thread. Please go to the doctors. It's like lunatic says - your brain is poorly. It's chemical. It can be fixed.

If you are worried about the appointment why don't you just cut and paste all your posts from here and show them to your doctor? If you can't speak, they will speak volumes for you.

HTH

dinasaw Mon 16-Jan-12 22:43:55

If it helps, think of it like a broken leg. If you had a broken leg, what would you do? You'd go to the hospital and get seen by a Doctor and get a cast. Mental health is a bit like that. Counselling or medication is what you need to help mend you like a cast is for a broken leg. That helped me accept that there was no point in trying to cope on my own. For me I needed some medicine and a counsellor to help me get fixed. And although it is hard right now to understand it is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of.
Tell the Doctor how you are feeling and have it written down so that they can read it and you don't have to worry about explaining.
Take care.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 00:15:56

Thank you all you lovely people who have taken the time to reply to me today. You will never know how much it means. I am off to bed now but I will let you know hOw tomorrow goes xxxx

It WILL get better.
Please do go and see the doctor.
Even if you decide not to take any medication its a great step towards recovery to acknowledge how you feel and have people around you validate those feelings.

That was me a year ago. Deep deep depression. panic attacks. isolation.
I've come full circle now but really started feeling better right after I saw the Dr.
After only 2 further counseling sessions, I felt better as I was given tools to take charge and I learnt to take time to "debrief" myself when I felt I was spiraling into that dark corner.later

I did not take the medication the Dr suggested but went on a combination of high dosage VitaminB + Magnesium + valerian/passionflower in the evening to re-establish sleep patterns (i would fall asleep like a log only to wake up with palpitations 3 hours later).
Being well rested is essential. If you have to prioritize one thing right now, that's what it is.

Keep posting. I did not post last year but was lurking on the mental health thread and reading other people's experience and the good advice given was a great help.

Its fantastic to have the RL support. I could not have done without my DH's attention. Lean on them without any guilt whatsoever. that's why you have a DH and a best friend. There is no better time than this to wallow in that love you have.

x

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 03:39:26

Laptop that is a lovely way to think of it, wallowing in their love. I can't sleep. My brain is moving so quickly. I want to shake it out of myself. Nothing seems real. I feel like somebody else. Does anyone understand that. I'm not expecting a reply at this time in the morning but it feels better to type it out. What are the most important things to tell the doctor tomorrow? Please help me compile a list and make me sound less round the twist than I feel.

I totally understand that and am very grateful am now on the other side of the fence.

Its great to write it all down.That was part of the therapy for me but it felt awkward facing that white page so keep writing here if you feel like me that you need someone on the receiving end to send it right back at you if you are self pitying.

Am in Asia, so often here at this time!

remember to tell the Dr about your physical symptoms. When they occur, how long before they recede etc...
I had nausea and buzzing in my ears and a mix of speedy thoughts but incapable of moving which was the panic attack.
then utter exhaustion as it receeded.
Also those terrible migraines with stiff neck which was accumulated tension.
And the broken nights.

All those sign teach you to recognize what is happening and guide you as to how to take over them.
the panic attack you just ride with breathing. Go out for a brisk walk and walk those thoughts out.
when exhausted lie down and practice deep breathing and visualization to try and sleep.
etc....

But really, ask the Dr for something to help you sleep and rest for the first few days so you can get a bit of perspective.

You will come trough. its a long road. Just start being good to yourself now and spend lots of time just enjoying the little moments.

Do you work or are you a sham if you don't mind my asking?

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 04:11:42

Oh my god. The nausea, I thought I was going to vomit today. Migraines are just a part of my life but dh says they are worse at the moment. I didn't think they were linked.
I do work but only one regular day a week so I have until Friday to pull myself together!
Dh is away with work on Wednesday night and I am so scared of him leaving me. That is so silly as he was away two nights last week and everything was fine

mockingjay Tue 17-Jan-12 04:26:31

Just wanted to say hi idon'tdeservethem. I felt similar to you this time last year and it's horrible. Definitely go to the doctor today, it is the very best thing you can do for yourself and your family smile

But do get out of your house before friday!
Just cross 1 or 2 things off for to do list everyday to give you a sense of purpose and get plenty of rest. Its not self indulging. That's just what yo need right now and everyone around you can acknowledge that.
take care

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 04:45:55

A to do list. The thought makes me stressed. To do: get out of bed, look after kids, can't think beyond that. I do know what you mean though. I will try, I really will. My eyes look like P**s holes in the snow, how can I face anyone or anything? I am so tired I just want to give up. What is happening to me? Oh, I am so very tired

ThePinkPussycat Tue 17-Jan-12 05:03:01

Hello, I am stressed and can't sleep. found you by looking at the active list. I have cycles when it all falls apart, when I start to put it back together I do a to-do list. With 3 things on it, no more. One is always have breakfast, I do have breakfast, then there is one thing ticked off already.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 05:16:58

Thanks pussycat. I will start small. I'm sorry you are feeling stressed too.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 05:46:31

Still cant sleep. I feel like my heart is jumpIng out of my chest. I am downstairs with the tv on. I feel so alone. I am so scared that the doctor will think I am crazy. I am crazy. I feel like I am losing it. Feel like dh is all I have. I know I have the dc but they don't know what an awful person I am. Dh loves me anyway. At least I think he does. I want to wake him up and have him hold me but I can't do that to him. He'll have to work after we go to the doctor. Oh, the thought of him leaving for work makes me feel sick. I am pathetic and needy.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 17-Jan-12 05:47:00

Thanks. And hope things work out for you, of course you deserve them, trust that you do, even though it doesn't feel like it.

My stbx does not deserve me, he is a complete tosser and being very passive-agressive over the divorce and won't even open the latest letter from my solicitor. How am I ever going to be rid of him? (Sorry, needed a little rant)

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 06:50:02

Still wide awake. How will I cope with baby today? So tired but sleep won't come and kids will be up very soon

ThePinkPussycat Tue 17-Jan-12 06:59:05

Me too. Emailed solicitor with my worries, which has helped, though it will cost me a small amount. Do as little as you can, grab naps when baby sleeps. Is your appointment today?

Hang in there ladies and rest whenever you can. Even 5 mn catnaps help. Eat regular small meals. Get dressed. Tidy up one small task at a time.
I remember having difficulty even walking and raising my arms, let alone talking to anyone.
But i kept going litterally step after step and any little trivial action of the day was still a step in the right direction. Making a bed, opening the window for fresh air, organising the evening meal.
Please try and be in every moment.
Breathe when you open that window and cook something easy and healthy.
Put your faborite linen on.
Make an effort to make anything a little more pleasurable.

Good luck with the Dr appointment

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 07:59:07

Thanks laptop. I don't know if I can go. I feel so sick. I got up and got the kids ready. Maybe I can just carry on.

VikingBlood Tue 17-Jan-12 08:01:41

No no please go, especially of you haven't slept, he/she'll be able to see that something isn't right.

VikingBlood Tue 17-Jan-12 08:02:10

What time is the appointment?

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 08:03:53

9.30. I don't think I can. Dh says I have no choice.

VikingBlood Tue 17-Jan-12 08:05:28

I think he's right, you really should go, I'm here to kick you up the bum too!

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 08:11:42

That made smile Viking. I just don't know if I can. I feel like I'm on the verge of a huge panic attack. I'm going to get dressed and then see how I feel.

Confuzzeled Tue 17-Jan-12 08:33:29

I read this whole thread in the night as I was up, silly tonsils.

Anyway I had to come on and post this morning, I think your a very brave caring person and your struggling with a horrible illness.

I've been there, my dh walked me over to the doctor himself, he told me he'd leave me if I didn't go and I couldn't face life without him.

Honestly you'll feel a bit better the moment you walk out of the doctor. Knowing your not alone and you've started the steps to get better.

You are the best thing in the world to your kids and whatever they see, they will understand and love you.

Please go to your appointment. The worst that can happen is you cry your heart out to your doctor, they've seen it before, they will help.

I'll be thinking of you.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 08:41:54

Thank you confuzzeled. I have to go. Dh said we will fall out if I don't. I couldn't handle that. I think I might actually be sick.

VikingBlood Tue 17-Jan-12 08:47:31

We're all here kicking you up the bum holding your hand. Come and tell us how you feel after if you want to, I for one want to know how you are doing.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 08:53:23

I promise I will let you all know. I can't put into words what you have all done me yesterday, this morning and even through the night. Dh on the school run. Back to pick us up soon. My friend offered to come over today but I don't think I can face her just yet.

Asinine Tue 17-Jan-12 08:54:08

You sound like a lovely, kind and thoughtful person. Please go and get some help. If you had a friend who was feeling down you'd encourage her to go to the GP. Remember, your GP is not judging you for being down. They are trained to treat mental health problems as they are trained to treat chest problems, heart problems etc.

Let us know how it went.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 08:54:21

Done for me that should read.

Asinine Tue 17-Jan-12 08:55:26

Your friend cares about you, don't feel you have to pretend to be 'fine' when you're not.

Gooshka Tue 17-Jan-12 09:28:08

Hello there .... sorry to see you got so little sleep but was pleased to see you still got support from people throughout the night. I am thinking of you and hoping that you get all the help you need from the doctor's this morning. I have been thinking some more about some of the things you said about your past and, sweetheart, it's no wonder you have problems feeling loved when the very person you expect to love you unconditionally (your birth mum) has let you down so badly. To reject you a second time after tracking her down must be like a spear to your heart. Then, giving birth to your own children and trying to be the perfect mum to them has just made the whole lot come to a head (on top of the other traumas you have had in the past). My own mother was quite selfish when I was growing up and she put her awful boyfriend before her children (he was a nasty piece of work). It wasn't until I had my own child that I felt very angry and hurt by it .. I'd have gone to the end of the earth for this little baby so why didn't my mum love ME that much? Then, the rape incident you had further reinforces the feelings that you're worthless and 'deserved it' - again, I can relate. Now that you are genuinely loved, you find it hard to accept. After all, if your own mother couldn't love you then who in gods name can?! But your husband can, your children can. Your husband and children is your family now, nobody else. You've carved out your own little family and, with help from doctors and counselling, you will eventually see that and start to trust it. Hope you don't mind my amateur psychology but I can see many reasons why your feelings have all come to this point. And the one lady you did feel loved you (your grandma) passed away leaving a huge void and making you worried that everyone else you love will eventually leave you too (hence pushing your children away at the moment). The truth is you adore your children, you're just in a really dark place at the moment and I totally understand why. I'm just so glad you are seeking help and not brushing it under the carpet as that would be dangerous. Too many people ignore mental health issues for fear of being labelled crazy or being told by heartless people to "pull themselves together' and this can have tragic consequences. Please come back online after your appointment - keep the posts flowing as I really want to know that you are ok xxx

Mittzchief Tue 17-Jan-12 09:33:55

Tearful on your behalf as I know how challenging it is to move forward but really hope when I get back later you have been to the doctor and that you are proud of yourself for managing that... x

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 10:03:45

Been to doctOr. Got tablets. Need to try to sleep now but will post properly later.

VikingBlood Tue 17-Jan-12 10:12:25

Make the most of being able to rest, glad you went and have got tablets.

Glad you can get some rest now

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 13:13:41

Managed two hours sleep. Can't face food though, I feel so sick. Couldn't tell the doctor anything. Dh spoke. Been given an anti depressant and an appointment for 2 weeks time. Gave dh a leaflet to self refer for counselling but I don't know If i can do that. I couldn't let him do to work. I am so selfish. Don't know how I feel, am I losing it? I feel like I am.

VikingVagine Tue 17-Jan-12 13:25:09

Try and follow the medication plan the dr gave you, it should kick in pretty quickly depending on what it is. You're not being selfish, you need a bit of time to get things sorted, and if you need DH then so be it.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 13:31:59

It's mirtazapine. I hope it works quickly. I have to go to work on Friday. Dh is overnight tomorrow with work, I don't know if I can cope without him but I'll have to. I have to go to work, I can't let them down aswell and I also don't want them to know. My hands are shaking. I don't remember what the doctor said. I don't feel real. Shit, I am feel like I'm sinking

If you are alone tonight, is there anyone who can come and be with you?

VikingVagine Tue 17-Jan-12 13:42:44

Is there any way your DH can take the rest of the week off?

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 13:49:41

I don't think he can. I have to work Friday. I have to pull myself together.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 13:53:49

It is tomorrow he is away kreecher and no, no one to stay.

Zondra Tue 17-Jan-12 14:00:56

Just want to say that you've done so well going to your doctor.

I have been where you are & now you are getting meds & with your lovely sounding husband supporting you, you WILL & CAN get through this.

Be kind to yourself, try & eat well, even if only small amounts, pamper yourself by having baths, watching a favourite film, etc.
I found (& I know it's hard!) that if I forced myself in the shower, did my hair & makeup & put on a favourite dress, painted my nails,etc, I felt better about myself & more ready to "take on" the day.
Slobbing about in days old pyjamas with greasy hair made me feel more "dead" & disgusted with myself thus making me feel bleaker.

Also, I think someone needs to be with you while your DH is at work & you yourself need to clear some time-off with your own work.

I hope you get some peace & feel well soon.
Take care.

VikingVagine Tue 17-Jan-12 14:02:56

Don't hesitate in going back to your GP is you are still feeling this bad on Friday. The councellor is a good idea, you don't even need to talk to them, they will know what to say to help bring the information out.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 14:04:49

Noone can stay. Telling my family will make it worse and there is no one else. My friend has her own family.

fridakahlo Tue 17-Jan-12 14:05:02

Did your doctor not sign you off? If you had flu you wouldn't go in and you are just as ill as that but in a different way so please don't put pressure on yourself to make it in on Friday.
As for DH going away, whilst he's gone try and do the bare minimum and don't beat yourself up for not doing things. Once the meds kick in and over the longer term one of the most important things to learn is to be kind to yourself, so start practicing now.
Well done for going to the doctors.

fridakahlo Tue 17-Jan-12 14:07:01

Why will telling your family make it worse?

mummylin Tue 17-Jan-12 14:11:53

verybwell done for getting the courage to go to the doctor this morning.That must oftaken an enormous amount of strength of mind on your part.Take baby steps and take your medication as you have been prescribed.You will not be in this dark place forever,especially now you have taken the first steps to getting well.If you can, do get one of your RL friends to come over and sit with you ,even if you dont want to talk,it may make you feel better with someone there.Well done you.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 14:24:19

I am back in bed. I asked dh to ring the referral line for the counsellor. I will try. My family don't care. They will see it as a reflection on them. I can't face them. I don't think the doctor mentioned work. I can't remember. This thread has become so important to me. Is that crazy? Pouring my heart out to strangers?

mummylin Tue 17-Jan-12 14:35:40

If the thread is helping you in any way at all then im sure we will all keep it going.You dont have to see anyone that you cant face at the moment.But you really have nothing to hide,you are ill and you need help.if people cant accept that then you are better off away from them at the moment .You need people around who can support you through this.Its a tough illness but you will and can get through it.

helpyourself Tue 17-Jan-12 14:42:58

So well done for getting help. You may not feel it yet but you've done a fantastic thing; the best you could for yourself and your family.

This thread really resonates for me as I was in the same situation as you 11 years ago. Unlike you I never got help and the next few years passed in a miserable blur. Then 9 years on it all came out sideways. I'd sat on the feelings you described and they sort of went away, I was able to function and even had some happy times but the anxiety was unbearable.

VikingVagine Tue 17-Jan-12 14:57:47

I k ow what you mean about not telling family. I went through a bought of depression and tried mentioning it to DM who just told me to get my act together and stop being so melodramatic, cheers mum.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 15:11:48

I think mine would be sympathetic but it would feel false and uncomfortable and i think they would talk behind my back. I know I sound ridiculous and I'm being very selfish for putting it all on DH.

What zondra suggested! Everyday!
Definitely see DH away for one night as a free pass to pamper yourself.
Do minimal service on the kids front, pour a glass of wine, bath, music, early night in fresh linen, unlimited mumsnet and chocolates.
Just check in, we'll be here.
X

slinkyboo Tue 17-Jan-12 15:42:00

Idontdeservethem I have followed this thread and I just wanted to add some words of support and encouragement. It is rare to be able to say 'I know exactly how you feel' but I absolutely do. Depression is crippling and devastating, utterly hideous. And, to echo many posters, it is an illness, same as asthma or influenza. It needs treating and it still needs so much more sympathy and recognition. My own DFather told me, 15 years ago, to 'pull myself together', to look in the mirror and count my blessings and 'be glad you have two legs and two arms' etc! He was not being unkind, he just didn't understand and was trying to be helpful. Our generation understand more about chemical imbalances in the brain, which is what depression is, but still not enough.
You have had some truly awful things happen to you in your past, which have never been properly dealt with. Depression can spring out on you from seemingly nowhere. Definitely, definitely see the counsellor asap. And definitely try to take it a bit easy and don't 'struggle on' ...give the medication a bit of time to kick in and stabilise things. Is there any way you could miss Friday's work? The first few days of anti-depressants can make you feel a bit woozy and strange...this does settle, but if you start them today I'd give yourself the weekend before attempting to go back to work...I think you said you only work one day a week - so make it Friday 27th. I bet you will be feeling a bit better by then.

Finally - epic post, sorry - YOU WILL FEEL BETTER. YOU WILL BEAT THIS. I did. We are all behind you against this black monster smile smile

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 16:25:55

Thank you again to everyone who is taking the time to read and to reply. I have been reading about the side effects and I am worried that the next few days are going to be even tougher. DH is going to see if he can get out work tomorrow and drive down early instead. The main problem is that we have a 1 year old. I haven't cried for at least an hour so that has be good.
DH has gone to work for a couple of hours now. I thought my heart was going to thump out my chest when he first went but he has been gone half an hour and nothing bad has happened. He will be home to put the older two to bed I hope.
I have to try to pull myself together, DH has a job to do but it is so much easier said than done. I am trying though and agreeing to him going to work( I made him cancel an earlier meeting) is a positive step.

localcrackpot Tue 17-Jan-12 16:28:26

I have felt like you do now. I have a theory that what happens is that when terrible things happen we sometimes store them away for later so we can function. Then later, some time when you're otherwise feeling safe, they come back for dealing with.
It's clear to a blind man on a galloping horse that your husband and children love you. It's possible they don't have a frame of reference for what you're going through. My DH looked after me but he didn't understand what was happening so they can slip up and say things that make you feel worse - if this happens, just identify it with the part of your brain that can and try not to feel you have to keep thinking about it.

I don't think all depression is imbalance, chemical or otherwise, because of my theory about delaying dealing with horrors, which I think is a survival mechanism. You're not wrong or broken to be feeling like this when you're going through things that your mind put on one side until you felt safe enough to inspect them again. You were raped and you've carried guilt about it for years. Your birth mother sounds emotionally abusive. If you could go three weeks in deep depression without anyone noticing it sounds like our adoptive family haven't always been up to scratch either. This is legitimate trauma! It would break anyone into pieces! But you'll do this and experience all this pain and it will help you heal.

Try not to use our energy against yourself. ANYONE would be in your state, anyone. You are entitled to 'not cope' while you do this. Allow yourself to scream, cry, not go to work. If your child (God forbid) had something like this to deal with you would NEVER blame them for showing the pain- don't blame yourself.

I hope this is helpful rather than unhelpful. When I had my meltdown it took me a while to come to this way of thinking so I thought I'd pass on what thoughts I'd come to in the end.

You are loved. Your family love you, I believe God loves you, and in the way of agape-love from strangers, we love you smile this too will pass and you'll reflect on it as a hard time you went through, but something that's done.

igetcrazytoo Tue 17-Jan-12 16:34:26

Ring the samaritans - this is what they're for

ThePinkPussycat Tue 17-Jan-12 16:40:47

So so glad you made it to the drs and got a bit of sleep. It really doesn't sound like you are well enough to work, even if you went in you might not be doing them any favours, since you are ill atm. For one day's sickness I don't think you need a note. You can invent an illness like we've all done here, I bet.

Don't 'pull yourself together' as such (though I think I know what you mean) - mh problems can be nature's way of telling you to take time out, I know it's hard with the kids and all, when mine were little I explained more than once that Mummy was sad at the moment, however I would get better. I felt honesty was better than pretense, and I did manage to look after them (fish fingers, ham, cucumber and bread for tea again) (couldn't face cooking). They are lovely young adults now smile

Had some sleep myself, and feel better. For me, it's the strain of keeping my nerve in my situation.

Thingumy Tue 17-Jan-12 16:45:58

I've had several 'breakdowns' and if someone had offered to cut my legs off to make me better I would of without thinking about it.I couldn't eat,work,sleep or wash myself.I was consumed with myself but couldn't function at all.

If you ever ask 'Am I going crazy?' You are not.

You sound like you are in a state of panic/fear.

Take the meds and see how you go.Go back to the GP if you are having suicidal thoughts.ASK FOR HELP and don't suffer in silence or try to be brave.Tell people how you feel.

I hope the meds pick your mood up OP.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 16:47:34

Local, thank you for your lovely post. You said almost exactly the same things as my best friend (it's not you in disguise is it? wink )
My family are not bad people but they are the type who like to brush everything under the carpet. My adoptive parents split and I was brought up by dad and my step mum. I had a very difficult relationship with her for a long time and although I am meant to treat her as though she is my mum, I feel her love and support is conditional. I do love her though and that is probably why it hurts. My adoptive mum is very selfish but also in the first stages of early onset Alzheimer's. When I went through depression in my late teens the trigger was telling my family that a close family member had sexually abused me when I was ten. They sided with him. Some of my family, my step mum included, didn't speak to me for 2 months. I was due to start university but just didn't turn up. My dad then found out and drove me there. I lasted 6 weeks then came back and was effectively homeless for a couple of months until I found myself a job and a flat. I see the person who did this at all family events and have even been on holiday with him. I do forgive him now because he was very young (only 13) and I know he is not the same person. We have talked about it amongst ourselves and I know how sorry he feels. I couldn't have a relationship with my family, anyway, if I hadn't made my peace with him. So you see why I couldn't tell them about this. They are lovely grandparents by the way and do love my children unconditionally. I probably wasn't the easiest of children or teenagers but they handled some situations very badly and it hurts.

igetcrazytoo Tue 17-Jan-12 16:52:34

Hi just noticed you said you had a one year old. Have you recently stopped breastfeeding. When I stopped b/f at 11 months I went down with depression/PND.

I got antidepressants from the Dr. and they worked. For me it was chemicals/hormones. I can remember feeling very very hopeless and this loop going around endlessly in my head.

Allow yourself to be ill, like if you had flu or broke your leg. accept help. take the tablets, any side effects will be nothing compared to how you are now.

I suggested before the samaritans, ring them if only to stop the thoughts in your head. Try and keep going until the tablets kick in.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 16:53:53

The pinkpussycat, you made me smile because the dc had fish fingers for tea!

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 16:56:46

Igetcrazytoo, I only breastfed for 3 months this time so not sure it is that. I will take my ads tonight and see what happens, hopefully, they will help me to sleep. DH just phoned, his boss will let him take tomorrow so that pressure feels like its off a little bit.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 17-Jan-12 16:59:11

It makes me feel so good knowing I raised a smile, I should also clarify that I did actually used to grill the fish fingers (re-reading my post I had a vision of frozen ones sitting on the plate). Cucumber was the only veg they would eat, by the way, at the time, besides being no-cook!

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 17:06:28

Yep grilled here too, with oven chips and baked beans for their five-a-day! Am feeling so tired now. Sitting with dc while they watch tv and intermittently moving baby away from mischief. I will be so glad when they are in bed, I love them so much, but the effort of keeping together around them is making my stomach lurch (does that make sense?) thank you for the Samaritans suggestion but for now, I think I will keep talking here if that is ok. I know I have put identifying detail in but if anyone does recognise me from rl, I would just ask that you respect my privacy. It feels to important to me not to be honest on here. It is almost the only thing I can focus on at the minute and is keeping me from the edge. I will keep talking to DH and to my lovely friend, she is very emotionally intelligent and insightful and I know she loves me like a sister.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 17:07:10

Too not to, usually I am such a pedant!

localcrackpot Tue 17-Jan-12 17:09:39

Idont ha, no I'm just some random smile

I am just agog at your story. You are a very magnanimous person to still deal with your adoptive family after that. They denied your abuse and left you unsupported to the extent that you were homeless as a late teen - if you'd had support from elsewhere would you have bothered with them again after that?

Speaking as someone with a 9 week old DD, I do think parents owe their children. You either had them or chose to adopt them, now they're your responsibility. You've been utterly let down by two sets of parents which is utterly not your fault but a completely shitty thing to go through. Even them being good grandparents is, as odd as it might sound, something that can be hard to deal with. My grandparents were fairly crappy parents but suddenly Werthers Original-golden-halo grandparents, and it gave my mum "what was the matter with me, then?" feelings.

Don't forget you're entitled to be angry with these fuckers! You were just some little child, and they let you down. By all means move past it and continue being the bigger person but don't forget you're entitled to be angry too.

VikingVagine Tue 17-Jan-12 17:15:15

As has already been said, there is always someone around on here, so carry on nattering away with us. I feel mentally ok ATM and I can't wait for my kids to go to bed either, so no guilt there!

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 17:16:26

Local, I know it all sounds a bit far-fetched but I promise it is all true (although obviously very subjectively told). The thing, I love them. They are the only family I have ever had and I don't want to lose them. They have a certain place in my life. I don't turn to them for support but I like to see them and I like to see their relationship with the dc. I think I feel relief that they don't see the dc as an extension of me and love them like they are their own. I want them to have a good relationship with their grandparents. I know how important that can be.

ChiefPotterer Tue 17-Jan-12 17:17:10

Mirtazapine is marvellous stuff - literally saved my life. Do not worry about anyone thinking you are going mad - you are not. You will feel better (in my case tabs worked in 5 days). Also please please read Dr Claire Weekes Self Help For Your Nerves (available on Amazon). It will aide your recovery and explain every jot of your illness trust me!. I know you don't believe you will get better and simply think you will continue to go insane but you will not, it was my biggest fear and I literally lay in bed visualising them carting me off to the madhouse,they didnt and I am now 100% better - you will be too. Take care.

buggyRunner Tue 17-Jan-12 17:19:51

Can I just say I've read your posts and you are a v strong and amazing person to have survived and managed to build strong relationships after all the crap you've been through.
Your anti depressants will take 3 weeks before you feel a slight difference but please don't give up. Can you get ds3 in nursery a few extra days to help you out? Also can you get out for a walk? This will really help you sleep at night

ChiefPotterer Tue 17-Jan-12 17:23:13

Oh and sleep...sleep as much as you can, you really need the rest and your brain and body will feel much better for it. Take every bit of help you can get and don't worry about housework or fancy meals just do the basics and in a few days you will be amazed at the difference in you. I also think you come out of depression a much better person, I am so grateful for the ability to feel happy again I literally thank God every day.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 17:25:04

Thanks chief, that's good to know.
Buggyrunner, he doesn't go to nursery, he goes to his granny on a Friday but I couldn't ask her because of the above reasons. DH will be here tomorrow and that will be another day over.
I wish I was strong and amazing, I don't feel it. I feel weak and selfish.

localcrackpot Tue 17-Jan-12 17:42:56

I totally believe you, don't worry. And you're doing just the right thing to do what suits you - I think you are strong and amazing too.

OP- so sorry you're going through this. Do keep writing if it helps.
Different things for different people. I know what makes a little peak in a low mood (people with normal feeling wouldn't notice it, but with this kind of low mood you track any changes and become so concentrated on tiny things) is optimism- knowing how much help there is out there, it seems like there'll always be something knew to try, and if you can't think of anything else good happening except getting better...
Hope tomorrow is a bit brighter for you.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 18:15:24

Baby gone to bed. I am lying on the bed and I can hear the older two laughing downstairs. Feel like sobbing but I need to stay together for just a coupe more hours. My eyes and my head hurt. So very tired

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 18:20:42

Feels like I'm wading through. I can understand why some people give up. It almost seems easier.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 18:23:30

Wading thrOugh mud i mean.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 17-Jan-12 18:24:13

...through treacle?

Your kids are laughing, that is good, yes?

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 18:26:46

Treacle will do. Yes it is good they are laughing. They don't seem aware that anything is amiss

You're doing a great job then- but remember that they don't have to see you being perfect all the time. If they sense it or see it, it doesn't matter because now it should be about you and getting you feeling better.

TheSherbetTurbot Tue 17-Jan-12 19:04:30

I could be writing this. All the same feelings, coupled with giving up smoking, feeling like my head is exploding, self medicating with copious amounts of alcohol, running over the events of the last three incredibly difficult years over in my head, and when I eventually plucked up the courage to ring the doctors the other day I couldn't even get through, tried three times. Ds behavior deteriorating by the day, that's adding to all the stress, just want to feel better. A doctors appointment would be the first step, though i will probably have to wait two weeks for one.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 19:05:18

Have texted dh to see if he is on his way back. I need him back now, or at least know he is on his way. I know I am being unfair. My heart is beating so fast.

VikingVagine Tue 17-Jan-12 19:20:23

What time do your other two go to bed?

FabbyChic Tue 17-Jan-12 19:23:09

You arent having a break down,you are having manic depressive episodes.

See your doctor. And do it quickly.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 19:25:19

Ds2 just gone. Thank god we started a sticker system last week and has gone to bed without any protest. Ds1 will go about 8, dh on his way back, should be about that time. Do you think I could go to bed for a small sleep now? Ds1 is 9 and knows where I am.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 19:26:44

Fabby I have seen the doctor. I don't know the difference.

Asinine Tue 17-Jan-12 19:28:57

Hi again. Glad you are on treatment and your dh and friend are supporting you.

I'm thinking your nickname is all wrong for you, you do deserve them, you are a caring mum, who does her best despite all your past troubles.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 19:58:14

Sleep now, will try to post later

ThePinkPussycat Tue 17-Jan-12 20:24:36

It doesn't sound in the least like manic or depressive or mixed episodes to me, Fabby. possibly some sort of panic attack type thing on top of depression.

OP the main thing is you have seen the dr, and have some medication which is likely to help, kids seem fine, dh supporting you. Wonder if I will sleep tonight? If not, I'll look out for you, hope you'll be sleeping though.

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 22:36:45

Had an hour or so, took the ad earlier and boy does it make me feel weird. Anyone else felt like this if you have been on mirtazapine? Very drowsy but also dizzy. Finding it hard to formulate a sentence. My lbs feel heavy. This was all within an hour of taking it.
I managed a piece of cheese on toast earlier, first real food in about 3 days.
I don't know If I can do this. It seems to be a huge mountain to climb. I scared I going to opens can of worms and not ever get back to normal. Can't focus properly. So tired

Idontdeservethem Tue 17-Jan-12 22:37:17

Limbs not lbs

Hoping you get a good night.

helpyourself Wed 18-Jan-12 07:23:49

Hope you slept some!

Remember, you're doing a great thing now.

They do deserve you!

VikingVagine Wed 18-Jan-12 08:08:18

Dizziness is normal, it'll take a couple of weeks for your body to adjust to the medication, you just have to keep taking it regularly. Hope you managed to get some sleep last night.

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 08:34:14

Morning. I slept well apart from a couple of hours in the middle on and off. I feel awful though. I am still groggy and speech feels slurred. This is horrible. I can't keep tali f them if I keep feeling like this. I have to look after the childresn tomorrow nd how can I work of I'm. Like this. Also we should be out Saturday and the dc are staying with parents. Don't want to go out but can't cancel the children. This is all such a mess. I. Just want to curl in a ball

helpyourself Wed 18-Jan-12 08:49:07

Its ok.

These feelings are horrible, but they will pass. Can you still use the childcare on Saturday and stay in? What does work entail? Is there anything you can do now to make it seem less frightening? like talk to a colleague or rearrange a meeting?

VikingVagine Wed 18-Jan-12 08:52:08

Have you managed to get an appointment to see a councellor yet?

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 09:02:09

I teach so I have to clear headed. (adult students though). Got an appointment with counsellor week on Monday which I thought was very good for nhs. Dh wants to go back to doctor this morning. Ecause side effects.

Mittzchief Wed 18-Jan-12 09:24:13

Just popping in with best wishes x

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 09:28:38

Thank you

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 11:06:57

Doctor has changed tablets tO citalipram. Feel awful. Don't want to take anything. The new ones can stop you sleeping. I need sleep.

ChiefPotterer Wed 18-Jan-12 11:19:53

I would honestly reccomend sticking with the mitrazapine - it only took a few days to get rid of the EXTREME tiredness fuzzy head and slurred speech I had all of those too and they completely went. It is fab for sleep, I sleep like a baby now and before was lucky if I got 3 hours. Speak to your GP before you change I really think they would be better than Citalopram I took those and literally didn't sleep for days. I am not a doctor so I would def speak to them first. Stick with it you will feel like a new woman soon x.

ThePinkPussycat Wed 18-Jan-12 11:22:24

IDDT in every medication there is a leaflet listing umpteen possible side effects, but it doesn't mean you will get any (or, god forbid, all) of them. They have to warn you of these side effects, but it can be rather un-nerving reading of the possibilities.

Also, with many antidepressants it takes up to 3 weeks for them to come into full effect, and there can be side effects at the beginning which then go away again. Please do persist with your meds and give them a chance. Just because they can stop you sleeping doesn't mean they will.

That is excellent about the counselling.

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 13:23:49

Ok. Well, my head has cleared from the ads, thank god. Still very tired but not slurring and feel better on my feet. Had a terrible morning, crying and feeling everything was hopeless. I finally calmed down then talked to dh and my friend about what to do. I like to be in control so have come up with some ways to get my control back. I am going to continue the first ad because I can't bear the thought of no sleep but as dh is out early tomorrow and we have commitments for a few days, I am going to start it on Sunday. Dh is here Monday and can do the school run the rest of the week. The baby has a long nap in the morning so I can sleep then. I made myself some lunch and I made myself eat it even though I'm not hungry (I haven't really eaten since Sunday) I am having a bath and I'm going to get dressed and then later I will go on the car with dh to school, I may just stay in the car but it's better than nothing. That is my plan. My friend said she'll come over tomorrow if I want and I might take her up on it. Oh and I haven't cried for over an hour. Don't feel better but I know I cant afford to get lower than I did this morning. Dh can't stay at home wih me forever and I need to take positive steps. Thank you for letting me unburden myself on here. I told my friend i'd been doing his and she said she could understand why it would work for me. I don't like to talk about feelings and emotions (I can talk easily about other peoples but not my own) but I've always been able to write my feelings down, usually just for myself. Thank you for listening, I have 3 things to do today and I will do them!

VikingVagine Wed 18-Jan-12 14:06:30

Sounds like you're finding your feet somewhat which is a very positive sign, I think you're right to stick the with the first mess and understand why you want to put off taking them until Sunday. Eat as much fresh fruit and veg as you can, also fish and things like nuts are supposedly good when you're down.

helpyourself Wed 18-Jan-12 14:43:21

You're doing fantastically!
vv's suggestion of fresh air and nuts sounds good- think squirrel.wink
Worksheet for Friday- or video with questionnaire?

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 15:52:58

I failed at the first hurdle. Fell asleep afte me bath and couldn't get up. Dh is now annoyed with me. I don't know if I can do this.

ThePinkPussycat Wed 18-Jan-12 16:03:58

You made some lunch.
You ate some lunch.
You had a bath.
You had a sleep.

That is doing pretty well in my book. This process is not 'one bound and she is free' it is a journey to recovery and you mustn't try to hurry it. Hugs to you and your dh.

VikingVagine Wed 18-Jan-12 16:16:25

Don't be upset by your DP, he's under stress too, he's bound to get annoyed from time to time. Have a cuddle, a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit. One step at a time.

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 16:41:48

I can do this. I have to. I phoned my mum. I just talked about arrangements for kids and said my migraines had been playing up this week. I cried a bit but she couldn't tell. I am in the car outside the shop because ds1 wanted to buy a magazine with his pocket money. I am shaking. I have to this though don't I. Dh is not annoyed with me, he just said he's frustrated. I love him so much.

ThePinkPussycat Wed 18-Jan-12 16:44:59

Let go, let go. The answer is not more control. Keep posting, we all here for you.

Mittzchief Wed 18-Jan-12 16:50:49

I think VV is right, and gently telling him how much you need and appreciate his support whilst you are trying to get on track might make both of you feel better

Try to think of it as on a par a physical condition that you needed support with...... (because somehow MH issues are often misguidedly the black sheep of human ailments)...

Mittzchief Wed 18-Jan-12 16:54:38

It feels awful but letting the emotions happen is important.... because repressing them causes all this... wishing you strength x

VikingVagine Wed 18-Jan-12 16:58:36

I'm glad you've been able to ask your mum for help even without really going into what's wrong. You're doing brilliantly.

PinkyCheesy Wed 18-Jan-12 16:59:01

Just wanted to add to the many offering support. You are doing just fine, recognising the problem and doing something about it is the hardest step.

I suffered PND from when my younger son was about 7months old. Trouble was, I had no idea. Thought it was just what it was like having 2 kids. I was horrible, just horrible. And I don't remember most of my son's first 4 years, which is a bit heartbreaking. Thankfully, I realised when he was 4 1/2 that something was wrong, DH and I separated for a few months and the doc said PND could still affect you YEARS after a birth.

I took citalopram for 18 months, but it did take a couple of weeks to really kick in. I also took temazapan 2/3 nights a week to help me sleep. Letting go is very hard to do and, like you, I had a very supportive DH who totally helped me work through it all. Even now, 4 years on, he knows when I need support or when I need to be kept away from potentially stressful situations. Also, if I need to sleep, he knows that I really NEED to sleep and there just is no point in fighting it.

I had almost no support from my family, and my inlaws weren't overly interested so I really really relied on online friends in the beginning. But one day I opened up to a load of school mums when we were at a soft play party and they were Sooooo ku d and helpful and just nice. I think I had always seemed a little stand-offish so they were glad to find I was human! And I get on brilliantly with them all now and people even ask me for advice when they experience depression issues themselves smile

You WILL get through this, your kids will not hate you, and your DH will be thrilled to have happy-you back in the very near future. You need to take care of yourself now, give in to your feelings and needs, abdicate responsibility for yourself in a way, let your DH take control. And please try to talk to other RL people about it. If you're anywhere around Cambs/Herts, I would love to meet you for coffee if you felt like offloading to a stranger grin

Hugs and good luck to you all

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 17:13:32

Pinkycheese. Thank you for your lovely post and thank you for your offer, other end of the country though. Viking, I haven't told my
Mum anything and I won't. I only mentioned migraines because I missed a family arrangement on Monday and also I would have spoken to her a couple of times this week by now and I don't want her asking questions. Not that she even rang to check I was ok after my no show. I think maybe I'm kidding myself that she'd even care. Anyway, I don't need to speak to her until at least Friday now so the pressure feels off there. I Have such a complicated relationship with my family but I don't think that they see it like that. Thank you all once again.

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 18:37:02

I have asked for this thread to be moved to mental health. I think it is better over there and as I have put a lot of info about myself on here I think it is less likely to be seen by anyone from rl. It is hard to admit that that is where it belongs though, have I really got a mental illness? I suppose I must have.

RowanMumsnet (MNHQ) Wed 18-Jan-12 18:37:38

Hello,

Just posting to let you know that we've moved this to Mental Health at the OP's request.

Thanks
MNHQ

Idontdeservethem Wed 18-Jan-12 18:47:05

Thank you Rowan

PinkyCheesy Wed 18-Jan-12 19:27:55

Please try not to see mental illness in a negative way. Physical illness is acceptable but the brain is an organ of the body too and sometime it does go a bit wrong! If YOU can accept mental illness, it makes it easier for your friends and family to accept it too

Do let us know how you're getting on smile

ThePinkPussycat Wed 18-Jan-12 20:23:02

There are lots of lovely people here. As a newbie, I don't think I dared post anywhere else for months smile I lurk on MH a lot, and post sometimes when it seems it might be relevant... I found you through the active list at 4.30 in the morning grin that was such a help to me thanks

ThePinkPussycat Wed 18-Jan-12 20:25:41

(I was midnightservant in those days, though)

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 00:01:12

Shit. I am sinking so low.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 00:18:12

Thank goodness you're here, I was getting worried.

Remember it's one day at a time.

You have achieved quite a bit in the last couple of days.

You have started talking it through here, you have taken decisive steps in RL too.
Do not undermine yourself. You HAVE taken control already.
Keep on course, set yourself reasonable goals (week one: sleep, keep a little routine, look after yourself / week two: start taking AD's etc.....

Do not beat yourself up about failing this or that. Stop sweating the small stuff. I know it's easier said than done but be gentle on yourself.

Your only goal right now is to get through the day and sleep well. Your head Will clear when your body has started resting.

On the note of ADs, If you are not taking them until Sunday, please do go to the pharmacy and buy a mix of valerian/passionflower. It really helps calm down and sleep soundly without waking up groggy.

here

It works really well for me and in the end I never took the tablets the Dr prescribed. (the side effects scared me off too and talking about control, I did not like the idea of a long treatment. I opted for counseling only)
So really also bear in mind that you have options. You are not stuck with one course of action.
Another thing that really helped is fresh air. Brisk walks whenever those thoughts started racing through my mind. Appreciate the random smile from a dog walker. Breathe deeply.
And outings to places where you talk to people. Small talk. I made regular trips to my local street market. The smell of fresh produce, the colours, the animation, it was always a distraction AND helped feel less isolated.
It's very important to socialize. If you can't deal with RL friends and family right now, just be around other people and share small moments.

Good night

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 01:26:12

Fallen out with dh. Had alcohol cos was too scared not to sleep. I think he hates me. I know he doesn't but I think he hates me like this. This is the real me. This is how I felt deeP inside for the last 23 years. I have surfaced for short splls but then burid myself under the outside facade. He fell in love with someone who is not me. Shit. I will lose him. I am not that person, I don't know how to find her again. I want to run far away. I do t because really I want to stay here and safe in my lovely mans arms but I am making him so sad and it is only a mate of time before the dc pick up on it. If I run, if I go far away, they can say I was a horrIble persOn but get Over me. If I stay I might damag them all forever.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 01:27:27

He hates who I am. I am so very sorry. I won't run, I told dh that. I said I feel like running away but I w

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 01:27:47

Those things really do help lift depression,*lapwing*, however OP has only just started her journey. Just a note from personal experience, when I was deeply depressed it was scarcely possible to find the motivation to do anything much apart from drink tea, smoke fags, and look after our 2 kids as best I could. And OP has 3 children, one of whom is a twelvemonth. I was depressed from childhood and had to wait till 1998 till there was a med to touch my depression (in my case the SSRI paroxatine (Serroxat).

You there, OP? I'll be up for a bit - at least till 2am

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 01:29:30

Won't. I offered to see if I can stay with my sister for a couple of weeks until I a bit clearer but he said not. I think he saw it as a threat, it wasn't, I want to not make it harder to him. I love him so much. Shit shit shit. Please please help me

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 01:32:08

Pinkpussycat, we crossed posts. Are you there?

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 01:37:12

I am making no sense. On my phone and posting badly but I M so so so very low. Without dh what do I have? I know he will be fine and is just frustrated and tired nd hAs to work early in the morning but I think I will be like this forever. This is me. It is not me who he loves. He loves the front I have put on for many many years. What can I do. Shit.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 01:48:09

Am calmer. Going to bed. Will talk to dh to tomorrow.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 02:28:03

Sorry I didn't get back to you before. I am naturally a night owl, and got diverted, and I'm taking advantage of my sleep pattern being out of synch as well. I am about to cook myself a cheeseburger, so if you do happen to be still there, rest assured you are not keeping me up smile brew

I'm checking the thread fairly often, but irregularly.

You have articulated exactly how it felt for me. Add in that I was a miserable failure and it could be my inner voice talking to me, back in the day. I know it sounds mad, but try talking out loud to yourseld, a whisper will do, I found I said more positive things when I used to try this.

Anyway will stop waffling on. Hope it is the morning when you read this, don't worry if it isn't.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 06:58:17

Last night seems surreal. Alcohol is not my friend and I will be staying away from it fOr a while. poor dh. My posts from last night are a bit crazy but do make sense to me. Dh getting ready for work so about to face my first full day without him. I can do this!

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 06:59:35

Pinkpussycat thank you for your support last night.

helpyourself Thu 19-Jan-12 07:40:10

Morning yousodeservethem You sound really positive this morning. You can do this, one foot in front of the other, tiny baby steps.

VikingVagine Thu 19-Jan-12 07:50:44

Morning, glad you're feeling a bit better this morning, can you try and avoir alcohol for the next few weeks, it sounds like it makes you much worse. You'll be alright today, just remember, one step at a time.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 08:05:24

Yes. I will be avoiding alcohol, it made me feel terrible and I know I am going to feel awful today as I always get a kind of irrational anxiety the day after I have had a drink. On a positive note, dh went to work, I got up and got dressed and all three kids are dressed, I have made their lunch so my only hurdle is getting them to school. I have asked my friend to come over after lunch, I'd rather not see anyone really but I need a reason to not go back to bed when the baby naps in the afternoon and also I think it will do me good to see her.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 08:21:17

Helpyourself, only just noticed what you did with my name. Made me smile

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 09:09:27

Well I am in the car outside school. My legs are like jelly and my hands are shaking but... The kids have gone to school, I have been in the shop for tea and even spoken to a couple of mums! Nothing terrible happened and I didn't cry (although I might now!) going to go home and put ds3 down for a nap and maybe try some sleep myself.

VikingVagine Thu 19-Jan-12 09:23:13

Glad the kids are off at school. Have a rest.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 11:41:26

Anxious morning. Not managed to sleep. Tried to watch some tv to keep my mind off things. Need to stop crying because my friend will be here soon. Wish dh was back but I have not bothered him at work. He needs to be able to concentrate because I know he is in an important meeting. Baby is still asleep so that has made it a bit easier. I am so disgusted with myself that I am putting my dh through this. I know I can't drInk again tonight because it makes everything so much worse but I am so frightened that I won't sleep. I have to work tomorrow too. I am so weary of these feelings. I am also struggling wih how up and down I feel. I never know when the tears will come and the big, overwhelming wave will engulf me.

Chocattack Thu 19-Jan-12 12:24:12

Hi Idont, I haven't read your whole thread but sounds like you've done really well to take some positive steps. I hope seeing your friend this afternoon helps.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 13:11:36

Hi, yousodeservethem (nice one,*helpyourself*) was up till 3 but in a good way, and slept well with no alarm set so only just surfacing. Let alone cross posting, it seems we are cross-sleeping now!

You have done the things that needed doing despite feeling shite. Please don't be disgusted with yourself. That is just the illness, though, however there are lots of us here who have suffered as you are suffering, you surely don't think we should all be disgusted with ourselves? (Of course you don't)

I am longing to know what your teaching work with adults is, if it won't out you?

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 14:13:09

My friend has gone. She brought lunch for us (although I couldn't really face any) and has sat and chatted while the babies have played. We talked a little about everything but didn't let it consume the whole conversation. It was a welcome distraction. The baby is now back in bed (I know i know he likes his sleep!) for an hour before school and the quiet house is a little disconcerting, it seems to make my thoughts race. Everything seems too fast at the moment ( does that make sense) everything seems to be whirring around me. It makes me feel like this is what madness feels like. I know I'm not making huge sense but it helps to type it out. It seems to keep me calmer somehow. Dh rang in his lunch break and I felt so relieved to hear his voice. I told him I was fine and I didn't cry. I can't make it any harder for him. He will be home before the dc go to bed so that isn't such a long time is it.
I teach young adults who have been out of education, usually through social problems. I teach them the basics they missed and try to get them back on track educationally. I love my job. It is hugely rewarding. Sometimes you are more of a counsellor than a teacher...the irony eh?
My plan for today... Get up, take kids to school, see my friend...all achieved. Next pick up boys and make tea. Later I will try to plan a simple session for tomorrow. Those are my goals. I hope I can get into work, mornings seem so much harder somehow. I am so tired now but so afraid I won't sleep tonight.

TobyLeWolef Thu 19-Jan-12 14:17:52

Well done. You're doing really well. Your DH must be very proud of you.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 14:25:16

I don't know if he is Toby, I think he is too frustrated with me to feel muh else. He is tryin so hard to be nice though and not let his irritation show. We have times of crisis before for different reasons and he has never ever let me down. I know he feels I have been here for him too when he has needed it but I feel I am failing him as a wife and as the mother of his children.
The nausea today is awful.

TobyLeWolef Thu 19-Jan-12 14:35:42

Of course this is going to be difficult for him, but you're doing everything you should be doing. It's easy to lose patience with someone who is ill but refuses to get help, but you've done that. I'm willing to bet that he's very proud of the way you're handling this, even if he doesn't show it because he's a man busy with other things.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 14:51:48

Thanks Toby.
Oh, I am going to struggle with nex few hours because I am so so tired. I feel like just crawling into my bed. Only about 4 hours until I can!

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 15:05:31

He is worried about you, of course he is, and wishes he could make it all better for you, and knows he can't, though he can and is supporting you...

Can you just let your racing thoughts run on without paying attention to them? From your early posts, it sounds like your poor brain is trying to process a lot, you don't have to listen while it's doing this.

Your job sounds brilliant. Do they want to learn? which makes quite a difference ime (was Youth Training Scheme computer tutor back in the early 80s, and done a few other teaching/training things since)

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 15:47:58

TPPC, most of them want to learn, yes, although many of them don't really know how to learn, concentration issues and in appropriate behaviour ( nothing really too heavy) but most are good people who have been failed terribly by various people and systems. Lots of teen mums, ex Drugand alcohol users, prostitution, care leavers and sometimes young offenders. We have good success with most of them, not always academic, but I don't think that's always the important thing. They are mainly wonderful young people who just need someone to encourage hem and make them feel they are worthy of your time and effort. This is one reason I can't miss tomorrow, they rely on me. Some of them have had a far worse time than me but can keep it together.
Anyway, done the school run and feeling a little better for the fresh air. Am anxious for dh to get home but I know he won't be long and ds1 is entertaining ds3 for a few minutes.
I have a feeling I may now have outed myself of anyone from rl is reading this. I suspect I know a couple of MNers but if I am right, I think they are the type to respect my privacy. If not, then so be it.
Next on my list is to make dinner and feed the dc. This day has been endless.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 16:23:04

A session on how they keep it together in bad times (without going into the really bad times, of course?) Then you can pick their brains without them knowing

I did one day's teaching life skills at a local college to an orrible lot of youth who didn't want to be there. The work I had prepared was to look up things in the Phone Book, like the local council etc so they could finally get why the alphabet has an order, and learn to find info effectively. I handed out the 10 worksheets to them, of course they started to try to band together, much to their surprise I had prepared 10 different (though comparable in difficulty) worksheets, each was unique.

Sadly I am totally ineffective at controlling people who don't want to co-operate, and actually was v depressed at the time, though thought I was coping! I couldn't face the experience more than once sad

Your lot sound like they might be happy to support you, and glad of the opportunity to repay your help. If you needed to, and felt it right, you can always say 'sorry, I'm having a bit of a bad today today' without going into any detail and without saying why.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 16:27:52

"a bit of a bad day today (though actually I quite like the original mistake 'a bad today today')

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 16:39:21

My lot probably started out like yours but I've been fortunate to be able to have time to get to know them and work them out. The first time I went I thought I could never go back but I love it now . One off sessions with these sort of learners never seem to work but I have fantastic support if I have any particularly problematic learners. Also, I find getting the mouthiest one onside usually works. They arent scared of telling each other what they think! I am just very lucky that funding has allowed us to keep them on course for such a long time...it is very rare nowadays. Ha- just read that back and I sound almost normal!
I may let them know to be gentle with me tomorrow, I'll gauge the mood I think. I have a teaching assistant who I know very well on a personal level so I may have a quiet word with her, without going into the ins and outs. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I do have bad migraines so I could always blame them for my shocking bags under my eyes and my low concentration levels.
Dc are driving me insane atm they are very loud and silly for some reason. Baby has just refused his dinner and thrown it everywhere and the other two are bickering. So so wish it was bedtime.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 16:59:13

If I had been at my best (which was rare at that time) I might have dealt better. I could see the group dynamics, which was the ringleader etc, but froze I'm afraid, though managed to get through the hour! The other problem I have is face blindness - one reason why I think I have AS - it would have taken me several sessions to be able to tell them apart reliiably, and to know their names, this of course never helps if you want control, knowing everyone's names from the get-go so you can address them by name if you need to must be a great advantage. My supervisor at uni was terrifyingly good at this!

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 17:54:34

Im sure you would be fantastic at it but if I had had my first ever session when I felt like I do now, it would have put me off for life!
Thanks anyway TPPC, for taking my mind off myself for a while, it does help to focus on other things.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 18:42:56

When is DP back? He sounds lovely smile

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 18:51:11

He is lovely smile I am very lucky. He has just phoned to say he is 5 minutes away. I am so glad. It has been such a long day. I suppose on the plus side, I got through it and didn't phone him to come home.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 19-Jan-12 19:15:57

smile brew [hugs]

VikingVagine Thu 19-Jan-12 19:26:42

Sounds like you're done brilliantly today, well done! Hope you manage to get a reasonable amount of sleep tonight and get to work tomorrow, play it by ear, don't put too much pressure on yourself if you don't feel up to it, but it might be a good distraction.

Idontdeservethem Thu 19-Jan-12 22:34:47

Thanks everyone. Off to bed now. Really hoping for some sleep. Very irritable and anxious tonight. Have prepared for tomorrow but don't know if I can go. Dh said to see how I feel in the morning.

Glad to see you had a better day.
Hope tomorow goes well. Remember it all about small steps. And for the timebeing there will be more days that will seem like an absolute struggle. Keep your eye on the horizon. Rest and medication will quick in soon.
X

ThePinkPussycat Fri 20-Jan-12 01:51:39

Will be up for at least the next half hour, should you happen to be awake...

VikingVagine Fri 20-Jan-12 07:32:49

Good morning, tea, coffee, hot chocolate? Hope you had a decent night's sleep and that you're feeling ready for today, and if you're not, remember not to feel bad about calling in sick at the last minute, just say you're really under the weather and will go to the GP if necessary.

Idontdeservethem Fri 20-Jan-12 08:53:39

Morning. Am and dressed for work. Yesterday even was quite tough for some reason, very teary bit also didn't feel I could about it which hasn't really been the case over the last few days. Dunno. Different again this morning. No tears but do feel a bit 'spaced' for some reason. Going to work as it stands at the moment. Hopefully, I will be too busy to think. Wish me luck!

helpyourself Fri 20-Jan-12 09:01:22

Morning Deserving, hope you are feeling rested. VV's advice is good, play today by ear. Tonight could be a good distraction, but if you don't make it it won't be the end of the world!

Idontdeservethem Fri 20-Jan-12 09:21:27

Am in the car ready to go, legs like jelly and having cold sweats but I have a half hour drive so I am hoping to feel ok by the time I get there. I did actually sleep last night but it was broken and I also found a small boy attached to my neck at about 4 in the morning! Right, better go.

helpyourself Fri 20-Jan-12 09:24:07

Go deserving! We're all rooting for you. Remember you're doing a great and brave thing facing up to this illness, and

All this will pass.

ThePinkPussycat Fri 20-Jan-12 14:22:29

Hope it went well, deserving. I was up till 4, slept from 5 am till 1pm, so now seem to be getting enough sleep, but with a cycle that's 5 hours behind!

Idontdeservethem Fri 20-Jan-12 16:12:33

I'm back, I managed to do it. Can't say it was my finest work but at least I went. Feel I have wobbled and fumbled through the day but better than nothing. Spoke to a colleague earlier to just say I wasn't at my best, I didn't go into detail but I think she knew what I was alluding to. I have said I will let her know about next week depending how the medication affects me so I feel a bit better that if I can't go in, I dont feel I have left them totally without warning. I so exhausted now, I am physically aching as though I have been working out all day! Going to have a quiet night with dh and be glad that it is another day over. Thank you for your good wishes, you do spur me on because I didnt want to have to come back here and report that I have failed again.

Idontdeservethem Fri 20-Jan-12 16:54:56

TPPC, go to bed at half three tonight and see if you get to sleep earlier then keeping moving it back gradually.

helpyourself Fri 20-Jan-12 18:07:38

Get you ! That's fantastic, and also really great that you're thinking of everyone else (TPPC).

I was thinking of you today- rest up and keep in touch!

slinkyboo Fri 20-Jan-12 18:20:55

Well done...now it's time to change that username!

ThePinkPussycat Fri 20-Jan-12 19:16:31

I second slinky re the name change.

Don't get me wrong, atm I like my skewed hours, stbx and I are still in the house, he works from home and rarely goes out, I find it easier to work at night, and also while he's at least asleep if not out of the house! When i met you the other night it was after lying in bed with racing thoughts for hours, this is quite different grin

Didn't you do well today thanks

Idontdeservethem Fri 20-Jan-12 19:42:59

Thank you everyone. Have felt ok tonight until maybe the last half hour but he black gloom and tears seem to have started again. I think adrenalin alone got me through today. I felt a bit 'high' when I first came home (does that make sense) and now after a bath and in my pjs, I seem to have slumped again. I haven't managed to eat all day today, apart from a few nuts, so dh I'd making a curry. Not a bit hungry but I will try to eat something then I think I might just go to bed. Re name change, I don't know, maybe not at the moment. I feel so guilty but I am telling myself I shouldn't so maybe that's a step forward for now?

helpyourself Fri 20-Jan-12 20:24:33

Ideservetogetbetter?

Idontdeservethem Fri 20-Jan-12 20:31:08

Helpyourself my Grandma would have said "God loves a trier" I will think about it. smile

Asinine Fri 20-Jan-12 20:36:29

OneDayAtATime?

Well done, you are doing great. Just concentrate on the basics this weekend, eat, sleep and get out somewhere beautiful. Get hugged and listen to your favourite music in the bath. You are running on empty, and need to recharge. Don't feel guilty, this is your time to get better.you deserve it.

Idontdeservethem Sat 21-Jan-12 02:15:51

Well, thought I was doing so well. Here I am in the middle of the night, wide awake, feeling shit. Nausea is back. Anxious. Head is whirring. So fed up. Feel like I am swinging between lows like this and crazy speeding brain. Go from closing up and not wanting to talk to anyone to talkin non stop about everything going on in my head. Told dh so much tonight about my childhood, stuff I'd even forgotten or hadn't seen as an issue before. Not sure if it is an issue or my loopy brain making things seem more important or traumatic than they are. I don't know if it's all in my head.
Stuff like being made to sit for hours with food I didn't like, all my toys were kept in the shed and that was where I always had to play (my step siblings stuff wasn't in the shed), the physical punishments that no one else in the house got, the total lack of praise and hugs and love. So so many things I have tamed about, one after the other. My family are all about appearances, I had lovely clothes and nice holidays and a beautiful home and lots of activities but I wasn't allowed a friend in the house ( unless pre arranged after school for tea for a short time) but he others had friends in and out all the time, I wasn't lower to feel sad, was made to feel silly, everything I achieved was because of them eg main part in school play wasn't "well done" it was "that's because I paid for all hose singing lessons" all sounds so petty but it was every day of my life, constant put downs and living on edge. 12 years of it. I can't stop it all going round and round in y head. Why does it matter anymore? I am just self pitying and silly. I want to be a loved and cherished little girl, somebody's little girl. So silly because I am a grown woman and dh loves me but I want them to love me in the way that little girl should have been loved. I was bullied and terrorised but I can't cut them out of my life. I make excuses for them now and try to see them as different people to who they were back then. I am scared that this illness has always been in me, I am scared that I am so seriously screwed up that I may never feel ok again, I may be opening a huge can of worms that I can't put back

CheerfulYank Sat 21-Jan-12 02:42:27

Oh darling, darling darling. I am so sorry. It is so hard.

I had one of those episodes recently. It is really not like me (I'm usually cheerful...see the name smile). I told DH that I just only wanted to sleep. My house was a pit and I feel like the fattest person alive.

Some things that help me are having a routine, lots of sleep, exercise when I can...

I am so sorry no one cared for you the way they should have when you were a child. But that little girl is still inside you, and you can nurture and love her.

You are worthy, you are lovely, you are loved, you are special, you will be ok. You will be wonderful. I don't even know you, and I know this is true.

ThePinkPussycat Sat 21-Jan-12 03:29:57

Oh my dear, please proceed immediately to the Stately Homes thread on Relationships, and have a read - it doesn't matter where you start. Just lurk for a bit, you are not alone. And please stay here, I will stay up as long as you like, just so long as you don't mind me multi-tasking - cooking, working on my divorce case, and transcribing my medical notes (possibly not all those things).

By the way, I knew they were horrible youth, that's why I put orrible, should have put 'orrible to show it wasn't a typo. My unfortunate one-off came a couple of years after I'd worked in YTS, most of the trainees were lovely, some were once you got to know them, and some of them were tossers, but only a few grin

I'll check back very soon.

ThePinkPussycat Sat 21-Jan-12 03:30:52

weren't horrible youth <sigh>

Idontdeservethem Sat 21-Jan-12 09:37:58

What an awful awful night. Hardly any sleep. Dh had to work this am so am sitting on the bAthroom floor whilst the two little ones have a bath hen going to put baby down for his nap. I reread my post from last night and it was a bit surreal, I remember posting it but it feels like my brain was somewhere else. Yes, I've seen the stately homes thread but have always avoided it really. It makes me uncomfortable for some reason. Also, I seem to be surprising myself with some things I am saying. Toys in the shed for example. It actually never occurred to me until last night that a) I was the only one who had to play there and b) that there was anything wrong with it. Everything seems to be flooding out of me and I'm not sure I can cope with it.

VikingVagine Sat 21-Jan-12 12:05:22

Can you start the ads today?

Idontdeservethem Sat 21-Jan-12 12:15:24

Just woken up. Boys in front of tv and baby in bed. Feel teary but not as panicked. Feel a bit more in control of myself. Dh will be home soon. We are supposed to be out tonight and dc at my parents, don't feel I can cancel. Dh said we can come home if I feel unwell. It is a party for a friend of his family. I think I will ok around Dhs family. I like them, they are easy to be around and not intrusive. Dh is looking forward to it and I don't want to let him down.again. Baby just woken up, will have to go.

VikingVagine Sat 21-Jan-12 14:24:40

Sounds like you're doing ok today, try and enjoy yourself tonight if you can, and if you're not having fun then do just come home, no one will blame you, they'll just be pleased you went in the first place.

Mittzchief Sat 21-Jan-12 15:03:14

You ask why it all matters anymore Idon't... well we are all the3 sum total of our experiences, especially the ones that occur during childhood, and particularly certain points in our childhood.
So if we are brought up in a loving, secure, supportive environment, it is more likely we will be confidant, happy and more capable of handling the things we have put in our paths.

What you describe was far from that, and we bury it as a survival and coping strategy, and very often understand our upbringings to be the 'norm' until something makes us understand that in fact, it was far from it.

In all truth, I didn't reach that point until I found MN, because I had grown to doubt myself so much that of course I was everything I had grown up to believe and a cycle begins.

My brother liked Elvis and my Dad supported that, I liked Donny Osmond, and he got the rest of the family to pack suitcases, then knocked on my bedroom door ( I was about 6/7ish) and Dad told me they were leaving and I wasn't going, then they left the house, whilst I hid in a cupboard, crying and terrified. I can't remember how long they 'hid', but the damage was done,....

What I can say, is that with a good counsellor, and time, the damage done can be limited, and healed... I am never comfortable with the term 'inner child' but it is very much about acknowledging her and recognising what happened and then protecting the 'inner child' that remains as a core part of who we are.

My counsellor compared it to a huge ball of knotted, tangled thread, and pulling at them one by one to untangle it....
So yes, a can of worms, but maybe in opening it, you can, bit by bit, decide which ones you actually want back in your can.

I am 42 Idon't, and for the first time in my life really, I like me, so please believe that somewhere along your line, you can be in a better place and realise that actually, not only DO you deserve them, but they are lucky and blessed to have you too xx

ThePinkPussycat Sat 21-Jan-12 16:48:14

some lovely replies smile and Mitts you sound awesome.

I did all the things I said I might, didn't get to bed till 7am, I checked the thread and thought of you a lot. I had a strange abnormal childhood (down to AS in PA and me, partly) but nothing intentionally cruel like you describe, so that's why I lurked on Stately Homes in the past.

ThePinkPussycat Sat 21-Jan-12 16:49:12

*AS in DF I meant...

Idontdeservethem Sat 21-Jan-12 18:00:39

Thanks all for replies. May not be on until tomorrow now, tryin to organise kids. I will reply properly then.

ThePinkPussycat Sat 21-Jan-12 21:43:03

suggestion for transition MN name: Ididn'tdeservethat

Idontdeservethem Sun 22-Jan-12 04:23:21

I reckon I could maybe go with that TPPC. Cant now. But will think about a change tomorrow. DH had fab night full of old friends and lovely memories. I was fine to be fair cos I have two lovely SILs who I could just chat to. DH is snoring and as usual i a, wide awake . He has deserved a bit of a blow out. Going to try to get some sleep now

ThePinkPussycat Sun 22-Jan-12 09:04:51

Just a thought, is your GP aware of your past? Or do they just think you are depressed iyswim - it may make a difference to getting the right med.

helpyourself Sun 22-Jan-12 09:13:54

Glad you made it- sounds like you got hrough the evening.

Try and rest up as much as possible today.

Idontdeservethem Sun 22-Jan-12 12:33:32

Hi. Am absolutely shattered. So tired. I am almost looking forward to the ad tonight so I can sleep. Thank you for all your support, it means a lot. Re the GP, he isn't the type that I would tell anything to, although dh says he did say to GP that he thought my past was an issue. I am going to try to get a little sleep now.

Mittzchief Sun 22-Jan-12 12:38:21

Thank you very much PinkPussyCat,

I agree with the name change smile

The tiredness is the pits, it gets in your bones.. Glad DH had a good night and you were OK x

helpyourself Mon 23-Jan-12 09:14:00

How are you doing deserving?

Idontdeservethem Mon 23-Jan-12 11:17:35

Am ok. Started ads last night so not feeling best today. L try to updat later.

Idontdeservethem Mon 23-Jan-12 11:55:30

Come back to bed. Head is banging. Feel worse than I have for days. So tired. Going to try to sleep. Am hoping I will wake up feeling a bit better. Am sick of all this now

VikingVagine Mon 23-Jan-12 12:07:20

I think you might have to just stick with it until the ads begin to work, you are seeing the councillor soon so that should help. We're still here for you. <hugs>

ThePinkPussycat Mon 23-Jan-12 12:56:13

Your main job atm is to give your medication a fair chance to do its stuff. As someone upthread said, think of it like having a broken leg. We will all be here, we know what it's like to be depressed, we know it takes time to recover, and for some of us our knowledge now comes from remembering what it was like, we have got better (or at least better than we were smile). In other words, have hope, have trust, have a hug, have thanks

Idontdeservethem Mon 23-Jan-12 16:46:10

Can't do it. Just had a blazing row with dh. Can't see n end to it all. Not going to do anything stupid but I just feel like giving up. Will have to stop the ads and hope the counselling is enough. I can't function. I can't bear being around he kids. I know I am pathetic. I know I am making Dhs life a misery but I don't know what else to do. Just want to give up

VikingVagine Mon 23-Jan-12 16:50:12

Try and carry on taking the ads until you see the councillor, the chances are they will tell you the same; they don't do their job straight away, if not try the other ones your GP gave your see if they're any better, but I really do think you need to give them a chance.

Idontdeservethem Mon 23-Jan-12 17:03:31

I can't. The side effects stop me functioning. I couldn't look after the baby. I couldn't go to school for the others. I am slurring and dizzy all morning then I slept for 4 hours his afternoon. I took them 3 hours earlier than doctor said so the effects would wear off. But that means I need dh here early evening. He can't be here all the time. Even if they wear off after this week I can't just ask the kids to stop needing me for a few days. I can't take the others because I am terrified of the insomnia. I still wouldnt be able to function in th day. Catch 22. At least if I take none my head will not feel like this

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 23-Jan-12 17:08:40

Sorry to hear you've had a blazing row with DH. I think you really don't need that the way you're feeling ATM. Both you and DH need to try and take things a bit more gently I think. Hope you can make up quickly and avoid any full on rows for the next few days/ weeks/ months
Am finding this a helpful thread as I feel a bit down too ATM - but I know that's partly because DH is away for a couple of weeks on a trip. I'll feel better when he's back helping with the DCs again. Some great replies from posters here though which could help many readers
- Anyway take care OP - And take it easy if you can.
A lot of your posts sound like you really need a rest from looking after DCs and taking care of everyone. Would it be possible to go away eg. for weekend with DH when you feel a little better ? Might be something to look forward to ?
Must go ... take DS to band practice ... back later ?

VikingVagine Mon 23-Jan-12 17:22:08

You might not get insomnia from the others seeing as it's a possible side effect, it's worth a shot, unless you feel strong enough to hang on until counselling. Let DH cool off a little and see if you can patch things up again, carry on talking to him if you can.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 23-Jan-12 18:44:08

These side effects are unacceptable. Please see your GP as soon as possible, get an emergency appointment, this is an emergency. Tell them about the side effects, and tell them something about your past. Please.

Get them to prescribe some different medication. If my paroxatine had had side effects like you describe, I'd have stopped them too. But I had no such side effects, and the tablets worked and still work, for me. Others will have found paraxatine was no good for them, but some other ad worked...

You could also start another thread on Mental Health, asking for people's experience of the specific med you have been prescibed.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 23-Jan-12 18:46:08

Insomnia was a possible side effect of paraxatine, I did have it a little for the first two days, then it went. Although, unlike you, I was starting from a place of depression where I was sleeping too much.

Idontdeservethem Mon 23-Jan-12 19:18:28

Don't think I can face doctor on my own. Dh will be working. Not taken ad tonight. I know I am being negative to ll your suggestions, I'm sorry, I don't mean to, it's just I don't know I wish I could explain. I can't see a way forward. I want to give up. I want to crawl back in bed and sleep. I am a complete failure. I can't make myself do anything. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel a bit different. Dh says I'm acting irrationally. Maybe I am. I don't know.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 23-Jan-12 20:14:42

Yes you are acting a bit irrationally imho, but that's alright, it's called being severely depressed. It just means you are ill. Honestly, they all have a list of side effects with all sorts on. The worry with paroxatine is that if prescribed to someone with undiagnosed bi-polar mood disorder, they may (but it is very unlikely), may, go into a hypomanic state, ie sort of the opposite of depression.

FWIW I took all sorts of different meds prescribed for depression by my GP. This was in the 70's, and I was in my twenties. None of them worked, cos they switched off my emotions, and I decided I would rather feel miserable than feel nothing.

SSRI's had not been invented in those days. But then...

In the late 1990's I was once again severely depressed, and struggling to work full time in that state - it ended with a blazing row between me and a more senior worker, I left the same day and went straight to an emergency appointment with my GP. That's when he prescribed paroxatine (Serroxat) for the first time, it was a fairly new drug. I was very dubious about taking it, especially after my previous experience of ad's, but when I did it made such a difference I can't tell you! I had the previouslly mentioned difficulty in getting to sleep, some initial slight nausea, and some slight changes to my digestion. These things were worth it for the benefit I got, and I don't even get those slight problems any more. I haven't taken them continuously since then, I should mention, but am on them now as they do seem to work the best for me.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 23-Jan-12 21:07:23

Sending you my bestest warmest wishes.

Could you manage to ring 111?

I had to follow up my own post, cos first line looks awful on 'Threads I'm On', sorry if you had to see that, didn't realise sad

Idontdeservethem Mon 23-Jan-12 21:23:22

TPPC don't worry, you are right. I knew what you meant. What is 111? DH and I have spoken, we are ok. Feel different again, a bit calmer. I took the second ad and it has been slower to take effect tonight which is better I think. I am so up and down, it is bizarre. I hope tomorrow I won't feel as bad as I did today but if I do, then I'll just have to manage until DH gets home. If the side effects are no different in a couple of days, I'll see the doctor again. TPPC, your support has been invaluable, as has the support of others on here. I know I probably am being irrational and that doesn't help me or anyone. I'll be ok

ThePinkPussycat Mon 23-Jan-12 23:17:59

111 is the number for non-emergency medical matters, kind of like 999-lite grin I know a couple of people who've used it when they've had physical things wrong, they got sign-posted to nearest help, like out-of-hours. I'm assuming they would be re-assuring to those who ring up with mh problems smile

Sorry to see you are still really struggling.

Have just caught up with the thread and second the idea of going on the stately homes thread. Give you some perspective and validate your feelings. Hope you get that counseling appointment soon.
You could keep a notebook and pen down feelings as they crop up so that you remember to discuss them. just a single sentence i.e.: "toys in shed" "that's because I paid for all these singing lessons" etc...
They will have some relevance at a point in your therapy and will be a good starting point to expand discussion.
For me, seeing those small sentences was eventually quite liberating. Like an out of body experience. You learn to detach yourself from them and move on. That your self worth can not be defined by them but how you act on them.

At the risk of repeating myself, I really think yo must concentrate on getting enough uninterrupted sleep to be able to function in the day.
its really worth exploring other treatments until you find the right treatment if you want to continue with the Ads.

During the day, a combination of magnesium/vitaminB/omegas works well to regulate mood/brain function. How they work is very well documented.
Most importantly, they do not make you drowsy.

Again, a herbal supplement in the evening might be a good transitory solution to sleep soundly.
My experience is of a mix of valerian, hops & passionflower. Its not so much that it makes you fall asleep but almost always guarantees that you won't wake up with cold sweats and head spinning in the middle of the night.

Hope you are sound asleep. smile

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 08:33:54

Well, what a difference. The ads were much slower to work last night. I woke up once for an hour or so but not too bad in the main. This morning, side effects are: very slight slur (dh says he can't hear it), wobbly legs and bad headache (which iboprofen is helping). A hundred times better than yesterday. Am very tired but I'm going to get dressed and attempt to go to be shop. After that, when the baby naps, I will. Finally, I am going to cook Chinese food for tea. If I do those things today then it's a good day. Laptop, thank you for your natural alternatives, in goin to give the ads a chance first but I will bear them in mind if this route doesn't work. Am feeling sick about going to supermarket but did it two weeks ago without a thought! I can do this

helpyourself Tue 24-Jan-12 09:21:48

Gosh what a roller coaster deserving!

Hang on in there and keep posting, today's plan sounds good, do nap with the baby.

You really can do this.

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 09:55:44

Been to supermarket, DH stayed on mobile with me some of the time, legs were very wobbly and thought I would be sick. Thougt I might cry once in the fruit and veg aisle! But I managed it, am now back home, baby gone to bed so will try for an hour of sleep. Going to cook all afternoon, promised kids Chinese yesterday but couldn't manage it so hopefully will today. DH going to try to get home for school run, not sure I'm ready for the playground. Am crying now but I think it's relief that I am back home. Trying to think positive.

VikingVagine Tue 24-Jan-12 12:00:30

Well done with the supermarket, a Chinese meal sound like a lovely idea I'd need the local takeaway number to hand in case my food was inedible!

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 13:12:00

THanks Viking. Not managed to sleep and still got a raging headache but I'm used to headaches as I get frequent migraines and can manage that. Just sat down after prepping all the food. It really does seem to make a difference to me when I am busy with something like that. I would love some sleep now. Legs are shaky and feel a bit teary but not like yesterday. Will spend the next hour or so chasing the baby and saying "no" and "get down". He is such a monkey. I'm ready for DH to come home now but I know he won't be too long. Was talking to my friend last night and I was saying, the other times I have felt like this I have managed to pull myself out of it somehow but never fully. I feel fine but I'm not really. I want to sort this out now. I don't want to keep feeling like this on and off for years and years. I know it might not be the last time but at least I can learn some better coping mechanisms and hopefully, if this isn't the last, it will be the worst.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 24-Jan-12 16:36:22

I have cried in the supermarket. More than once! when I am was down the slightest decision can be beyond me. I was near the fish counter,first thing on my list smoked haddock - but which sort? how much? This got me thinking about the purchase to come - frozen peas - and the decisions I'd have to make about them. Cheapest per pound? cheapest outlay? own brand? Birds eye? ordinary? petit pois? And I was still at the fish counter. By now I was a sort of standing paralysis, and in tears. I had to explain to kindly staff that I was depressed

(better than my reaction in my 20's and 30's on the occasions I'd been crying in public: Concerned bystander: Are you all right? Me: Course I'm not alright, anyone can see that (delivered in an anguished angry shout). This got rid of them!

In the haddock/peas instance, it went better cos I just explained myself. Then I went back outside, smoked two fags, revised my shopping list (based on a hope that cooking might improve my mood), and went in and bought a large steak pie and some baked beans grin

ThePinkPussycat Tue 24-Jan-12 16:38:41

revised my shopping list *which had originally been based on...

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 16:54:30

TPPC thanks for that - good to know I'm not alone in my supermarket meltdowns! grin
Chinese was met with mixed reviews, DH loved it all and has boxed up some of the chilli prawns with noodles to take for his lunch tomorrow, ds1 (usually the most adventurous) only really liked the fried rice, ds2 (usually the fussiest) enjoyed the noodles and beef and ds3 ( the human Hoover) pretty much ate whatever was put in front of him until he was full, then deposited the rest all over the floor! I tried everything, not in huge quantities, but at least I ate.
Isn't it Burns night tomorrow? Might have to go with a Scottish theme...
At least my new found culinary skills are keeping me out of trouble, the house is mess and the washing is piling up but hey ho, can't have it all...
Toady was a good day, I think, in comparison to the last week.

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 16:55:15

Today not Toady!

ThePinkPussycat Tue 24-Jan-12 17:05:32

I am glad your house is a mess and the washing is piling up! You seem to have got your priorities right!

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 24-Jan-12 17:10:56

Haggis, neeps, and tatties tomorrow deservethem smile

(good idea - might copy you !)

Toad in the hole on Thursday ? grin

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 17:19:01

What's happening Thursday?
Eurgh, couldnt do Haggis, tried it once...never again, thinking more nice beef stew or a cock a leekie soup...

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 17:22:21

Oolong, Thursday is Australia day! Is it too cold for the barbecue? Maybe I am losing the plot!

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 17:22:49

Oolong? Don't know what that's about, I meant oooo

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 24-Jan-12 17:30:32

Oh, I just got inspired because of your Toady typo, deservethem

Barbie sounds an idea too !

Cock-a-leekie or Beef stew also sound great ! Can I come over ?!

Think I might go out for a Chinese meal with friends on Saturday for my birthday. I was born in the year of the dragon so that's rather cool. Perhaps it will be a good year for me ? And you too I hope, deservethem

(PS Do you like your new NN ? - I'm using it until you choose another smile )

Idontdeservethem Tue 24-Jan-12 20:54:28

Thanks for the nickname, I am thinking about a change but when it feels right iyswim.
Day 3 of the ads. Not really had any slurring but my eyes are heavy and stinging. Legs a bit like lead. Again, less so than last night. I know his is ridiculous, but I m now starting to worry thAt they'll stop helping me sleep! Anyway, all kids in bed, I'm off to research Scottish food chill with dh. Thank you all, you're a big part of my support network at the minute.

Idontdeservethem Wed 25-Jan-12 08:50:38

Woken up feeing sick. Don't want to get up but dh at work and baby playing in his cot so have to. Would love to stay in bed today.

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 25-Jan-12 09:00:37

Have another ten minutes as baby happily playing in cot ?

I'm sure that's what makes it so hard sometimes for mothers to shake off depression - sometimes I think we really need a rest and a break from all the responsibility of looking after everyone, but however much support others give us, it's really hard to get a good proper rest and a break.
- Can be possible though, at least for a day off, which can give you a real boost.
Hope baby is easy for you today, dt
One thing/step at a time hey ? smile

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 25-Jan-12 09:33:28

Cup of tea for starters dt ?
Here, let me be Mother, and pour you a cup ! brew
Flowers too to brighten your day ? thanks

helpyourself Wed 25-Jan-12 09:48:35

Enjoy your brew and thanks!

Take it easy today, try and get some fresh air.

If you're still thinking Scottish Cuisine may I recomend a Vegetarian Haggis? They are as tasty as the meaty ones and not so full of frightening stuff.

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 25-Jan-12 09:55:30

Ooh, I might see if I can get a veggie haggis, some neeps and tatties for supper tonight ! Yum !

ThePinkPussycat Wed 25-Jan-12 10:13:59

ooh how nice this thread looks this morning, first thing I've done after making brew is look at it, lots of thanks. juggling you're so right, looking after everyone else all the time, sometimes we need it the other way round, not always a practical proposition.

Idontdeservethem Wed 25-Jan-12 12:59:40

Thanks for all the flowers and cups of tea! Have slept all morning while the baby has been in bed. Not feeling aMazing today, although the side effects do seem to be lessening. Work annoyed me a bit. Got an email on Monday asking if I can go in for a course I'm doing on Thursday. They did apologise for the short notice. I said no, that his week was impossible. Bear in mind that I am self employed and contracted to one day a week. I do do extra work as short term contracts now and again but usually get lots of notice. I don't mind the short notice though a d accommodate them when I can. I got an email this morning saying they really need me in and it's only 2 hours. I ready said no. I don't have to explain myself to them. What I choose to do on the other 4 days is not their business, A lot of us work for other people on other contracts for example. It just pissed me off that they would try to insist when for all they know, I could be working. Sorry, I know it's minor and I can see that now I've written it down but it started my day badly!
Dh and I rowed again this morning, over the phone. Totally my fault. We made up but I let him start work on such a bad note. He is still very supportive but understandably frustrated. Having a crying day today. Please tell me these Ads will work quickly, if only to stop the crying for a bit.
My plan was Scottish food, would have to go to supermarket. Don't know if I can. Someone kick me up the arse and tell me why I need to get dressed and go out!

helpyourself Wed 25-Jan-12 13:04:45

Get up and out and buy a veggie haggis!

Well done on work email- you sound completely competant!

Idontdeservethem Wed 25-Jan-12 14:40:22

Done the supermarket. Chickened out of haggis and went for mince and tatties, it's good enough for Oor Wullie after all!
Still got the school run to do, plan is to be as late as possible so I don't have to stand around making small talk. I really do wish I could just have one day to myself, just to not have to think. Impossible though. Feel much worse today than yesterday in terms of mood but I think the fact that I know dh won't be home till nearly 7 isn't helping. one day at a time I suppose.

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 25-Jan-12 19:26:03

Can't help wondering what you and DH rowed about. No wonder you had a bad day after that and hassle from work.
DH may be being very supportive, but I think it would be more helpful if he could cut down on rowing with you too.
You say it was "Totally my fault"
I'd challenge that both for myself and encourage you to challenge it too.
DH needs to make even more effort than he already is if he wants you to get better quickly. For everyone's sake. Perhaps he might take a look at this thread and see what he makes of my comments. smile

ThePinkPussycat Wed 25-Jan-12 19:33:07

Are you having the same row over and over, as it were? I have done this, sometimes it's been like we are almost working from a script.

Idontdeservethem Wed 25-Jan-12 19:58:51

He needed me to get up before went to work, to see to the baby. He was a bit short. He then rang me to see if I was ok, I said baby has gone to sleep, he said he hadn't seemed tired so I accused him of calling me a liar and also said why did you keep waking me up this morning. He said he had left me as long as possible but has to go work and baby obviously can't be left alone. I think he tried to wake me from about 15 mins before he left but in my head it felt much earlier. I was unreasonable, I was short tempered and he was nearly in tears. It really was my fault. He apologised for being short and said he just felt under pressure this morning. He rang back 10 mins later to say I love you. I seem to almost push him away or push his buttons. I know I'm doing it and can't stop until I calm down.

ThePinkPussycat Wed 25-Jan-12 22:57:46

I have acted in such a way that lots on here (especially in Relationships) would call it abuse. I was very depressed at the time. I think there is a lot of truth in what some say, that until you have actually experienced it, you don't know what depression is really like. I think that what I was really doing when I acted the way I did, was trying to make oh feel pain as intensely as I did, so he might understand more. It wasn't a conscious intention.

I can see how this happened, possibly. He was merely keeping on the topic of baby's sleep, and giving you the info he had from before you got up.

It felt to you that he was saying baby couldn't have gone to sleep because dh knew baby wasn't tired before dp left (and therefore, by implication, that you were lying).

He thought he was just replying about the baby, and expressing mild surprise smile He didn't let it fester, he apologised, and then rang 10 later when you'd had some time without him. It sounds to me like an underlyingly good relationship under considerable, and understandable stress.

Once more, hugs to you both brew

ThePinkPussycat Wed 25-Jan-12 22:59:34

*this = your row, in case it's not obvious

Idontdeservethem Wed 25-Jan-12 23:18:08

TPPC, you are absolutely right, that is exactly how it happened. We do have a good relationship, yes we fall out now and again and young children certainly add to stress levels but we always try to work things out together. If we feel we are taking each other for granted we make time and sit and talk it through. I am fiery and DH isn't but we are both willing to say sorry and work out what went wrong. At the moment though, I am being unreasonable, I know I am but I can't seem to stop myself then I hate myself for it and spend the day in tears. I just cried to him and he admitted he is frustrated, not with me necessarily but because he doesn't know how to help. He is helping though but I'm making him feel like he isn't I think. Going to bed now, hoping for a better day tomorrow. Australian surf and turf on the menu I think!

ThePinkPussycat Wed 25-Jan-12 23:31:45

Jamie Oliver's Guiness beef casserole tomorrow. DS (23) who moved out last Oct, is coming for a meal grin, it seems like a long time since we saw him, but it was only this Christmas just gone.

helpyourself Thu 26-Jan-12 20:03:54

How did today go, Deserving?

I hope you managed to channel some of that blithe Aussie 'no worries' attitude.

JugglingWithSnowballs Thu 26-Jan-12 21:12:26

Hey, "deserving" - I like it helpyourself smile

Idontdeservethem Fri 27-Jan-12 08:11:36

Sorry Ive not replied sooner. May not be on for a day or so. Feeling low. Need some time.

JugglingWithSnowballs Fri 27-Jan-12 09:08:45

Take care - hope you can get some rest and support x

helpyourself Fri 27-Jan-12 09:49:57

Take your time.

Try and keep us posted, but don't feel preassurised if you're not feeling great.

Sleep when the baby naps and try and get some blummin' fresh air!

Idontdeservethem Sat 28-Jan-12 11:35:14

Hi all. Am feeling much better today. My angst about being away from dh seems to have disappeared, when I look back to last week, I can't relate to how scared I felt every time he went out of the door. Yesterday and the day before, I just felt kind of flat, I didn't even want to think which is why I couldn't face posting. I recognise how I'm feeling now, I feel like I want to forge about it all and move on. This is how Ive felt on previous occasions. Dh and I spoke about it last night and we both agreed that I can't forget it this time. THis time I have to face it and continue with the ads and start the counselling. I am worried that the counselling will make me feel worse before I feel better but it is something I have to go through. The last few weeks have been horrendous and I don't want to ever get myself in that situation again. I know here will be ups and downs but I have to do everything I can to get better for myself and for my family.
I have reread this threAd his morning and I don't even remember some of those days properly. I want to say a heartfelt hank you to everyone who has helped and supported me, your kindness and concern for a total stranger has been overwhelming. I am crying a little now but they are good tears. I am a by private person but you have let me pour out my feelings and fears in a way that I feel safe, I can't tell you how much each and every one of you has helped me.
I am going to keep posting because I know this isn't the end and I do think I am going to get low times, especially when the counselling starts. I kind of feel a bit like when you are recovering from the flu. I feel fragile and a bit teary and not quite myself but I feel I am on the better side of it iyswim. Thank you everyone and I'm going to take it one day at a time but with the knowledge that I have support in place and I will get there. Very un Mumsnet I know but xxx

JugglingWithSnowballs Sat 28-Jan-12 11:43:08

We're not going anywhere anytime soon x
Glad you're feeling a bit better today smile

ThePinkPussycat Sat 28-Jan-12 15:14:24

Oh do keep posting, I think of you as a sort of cyber-friend (however temporary, am not a stalker grin), and don't forget it was a godsend to me finding you at silly o'clock, even though you were at a low ebb then sad, you were still a help just being there smile

smile

OuchCharlie Sat 28-Jan-12 17:50:34

Have been reading your thread and can identify with a lot of what you're going through, reminds me a lot of myself a few years ago. I think it's brilliant you have recognised that something needs to change and gone to you GP. I won't crash your thread but I've felt a lot of what you're feeling and would like to tell you that with help things can get much much better.

I will continue to check in and see how you're doing. I'm new to Mumsnet but I am so pleased to see what amazing support people have offered you. Please know you deserve their concern and the love of your family.

Idontdeservethem Sat 28-Jan-12 18:22:20

Hi all, will keep posting and Charlie, crash away! Thanks for your message and please do join us ( especially me and The Pinl Pussy Cat at silly o'clock!)

Fitzroy Sat 28-Jan-12 19:13:23

Hi there, I have been reading your thread the whole way through today. I have no children and no dh, but was on HRT, and seem to have landed myself in the same situation with depression, anxiety,not able to eat or sleep. I am on the same ad from last week, feel so unreal. I am starting with a counsellor this Tuesday, as my gp referred me to Lifeline, which is like the samaratians. I felt I wanted to do away with myself..... I have such frightening thoughts, I work full time, but am off sick at the moment.
I think you are a wonderful brave woman, who I admire, and I hope you come through all this, and that you don't have to keep looking back to your childhood. Hopefully we will both feel a lot better on the ad's and they say it makes you a stronger person when you get through this, I wish you all the best and will be keeping a close eye on your improvements.... And I agree, you do deserve your family......love and hugs from Fitzroy

Idontdeservethem Sun 29-Jan-12 02:24:37

Fitzroy, thank you for your post. I can't imagine going through this without dh so I think you are the brave one. Unfortunately, my day has been down today, I think crying in ikea might be a new low for me! Haha. But, have been for a meal with good friends tonight and actually enjoyed it so ended on a positive ( except for no sleep again). I feel like the ups and downs are so crazy at the moment but I am also feeling that the ups are becoming more frequent so that is positive. I KNOW I am going to get there and you will too. It isn't going to happen overnight but we have to keep going, step by step, we have to think of life as a gift and learn to enjoy it again. Please keep posting on here and we can help each other.

Ikeatears Sun 29-Jan-12 02:56:41

Hi all, it's me, idontdeservethem, finally name changed. I feel the time is right. It may seem to be a negative change but I feel like it is positive. Ikea could drive the sanest amongst us to tears after all haha. But also, I have been up and down the last couple of days but I feel a difference in my thought patterns and even when I felt awful today, in tears in Ikea, I knew it wasn't the end of he world (just a bit extreme and a bit embarrassing!) I feel like I am on the cusp of changing my life for the better in the long term And that only really hit me today so I will forever associate this thought with today (am I making sense?) It is normal to cry and I am normal, I am going through difficult time but I am not crazy and this will pass. I have found a quote which I feel sums up how my next steps have to go.

"Whenever someone sorrows, I do not say, "forget it," or "it will pass," or "it could be worse" -- all of which deny the integrity of the painful experience. But I say, to the contrary, "It is worse than you may allow yourself to think. Delve into the depth. Stay with the feeling. Think of it as a precious source of knowledge and guidance. Then and only then will you be ready to face it and be transformed in the process."
--Peter Koestenbaum

I know my time ahead will make me face some uncomfortable truths about myself and my experiences but if I want to truly be me and live my life the way it should be, I have to be honest and truthful with myself.
Off to try to sleep, the ads dont seem to be working as much on that score anymore, take care everyone and again, thank you.

BornToBeRiled Sun 29-Jan-12 03:26:36

Hello. Only just found this thread. Just wanted to say that I can really relate to it, and you are doing very, very well. I found a book called "Depressive Illness; the curse of the strong" by Tim Cantopher really helpful. Helped me accept what was happening to me as an illness, not a weakness. Remember too, that the better days and then worse days are normal. It doesn't mean you won't get better in time. Keep talking to your GP. The right need and best dosage can take a while to find. Also, if you need to see a different GP within your surgery, that can help. I saw three before finding the best one. HTH.

ThePinkPussycat Sun 29-Jan-12 09:45:50

Ikeatears well done. In that vein, I could once have had the name Morrisonstears grin

Fitzroy Sun 29-Jan-12 11:50:33

thanks again, I am having quite a struggle at the moment, they say rest, but then they say don't lie in bed... I can't make the decision, and the nausea is still there, it should have gone by now. As anyone seen the threads on the Mirena Coil, this is where all this started with me, I got it in for menopausal hot flushes, and now I am nearly in the mad house..... I was disgusted to learn of all the women that have suffered over the years..... with depression, anxiety and even infertility, and drs still don't believe us.....thanks again, but I don't feel brave

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 09:24:57

Hi fitzroy, sorry you're havin such a tough time, still very up and down really, feel quite groggy today compared to the last few days for some reason.

First day of counselling, can't say I'm looking forward to it particularly but I know I have to go. Weekend was full of highs and lows, I can't seem to get on an even keel at the moment. It isn't helping that AF arrived early and now my migraines plaguing me!

Wish me luck!

Fitzroy Mon 30-Jan-12 09:34:25

good luck, my counselling starts tomorrow, dreading it in some ways and other ways I am looking forward to some way out of this....
Are you still very nauseous, especially in the mornings????? and no apetite all day, don't feel like eating at all....

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 09:45:45

I had more nausea in the first couple of days but I found the spaced out feeling and slurring much worse. My appetite has returned mostly but I had over a week when I barely ate at all. How long have you been taking them now. I am now on day 9. I think my nausea was more linked to my anxiety to be honest and it does return when I am feeling like that. I am more scared that counselling is going to make me feel even worse by dragging everything up. Is your counselling through the NHS?

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 11:14:35

Ikea hope the counselling goes well today.
And Fitzroy hope it goes well tomorrow...

Feeling crap with a nasty cold, good thing germs are not transmissable thro' MNing!

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 11:26:45

Hi TPPC, how's the sleep pattern? I actually a good a sleep last night!

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 11:33:12

Taking me a long time to get to sleep, partly cos I don't seem to able to finish the 'marriage accounts' cos brain not working with this cold, so unfinished business stopping me sleeping. But am getting enough sleep, as I am topping up with naps.

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 12:25:11

Well, the panic seems to be setting in again. I am starting to really feel stressed about this counselling. I've had no tears since Saturday but I can feel them starting again. Can I do this? Can I sit with a total stranger and tell them my deepest, darkest thoughts? I don't know. I think I might clam up. I'm going to get the baby up and make his lunch to keep busy for an hour.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 13:02:10

What time is your appointment? I'll be thinking of you or I may be asleep smile

You are just experiencing fear of the unknown. The reality will be much better. You are not obliged to say anything, anything you do say will Not, Repeat Not, be taken down and used in evidence grin The first session is likely to be used to just kind of settle in with each other, iyswim.

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 13:04:53

Appointment is 1.30. Will need to leave soon. Hope you get some sleep. smile

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 13:06:09

And crying is OK. There will undoubtedly be a large box of tissues in the room.

Fitzroy Mon 30-Jan-12 13:26:59

thank you PPC, I hope you are asleep..... I went to Tesco's and felt like a wet rag, but did it and got back home. Feel sorry for Ikeatears, she has a baby to look after and coping with all this.
But Ikeatears, I went to the Lifeline here in Northern Ireland, which was set up as there were so many suicides etc., so I suppose its government run.
It is good to get things out in the open, I had issues when I was in my 20's, because I hated my dad, but the thing was I didn't respect him, I cried and went to my grandfatheres, but it felt good to get the thing out in the open...
Post when you get back, I am sure you will feel better.....

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 17:49:31

That was awful. Got there and was called in by a young woman and asked to sit in a small room, she then sat down, didn't bother to introduce herself and said that this was just a quick meeting to find out which waiting list to put me on. She asked me some set questions from a list then sat me at a computer for a multiple choice questionnaire then she asked a couple more, quite leading, questions, added her numbers up and said she'll put me on the waiting list for stage 3. I had to ask what she meant and she said CBT. She couldn't give me any indication how long it would be, she said "it could be 6 weeks or 4 months, I have no idea."
I have looked into different types of therapies and the one I most definitely don't want is CBT, it is short term, it is structured by the therapist, it doesn't take into account past history.
I was too upset to say much (I wasn't crying but knew I would be if I questioned her) but I am also angry that I was treated like a number on a list.
Oh and I can't get an appointment with the GP until after my ads have run out.
Haven't got a clue what to do now.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 17:56:10

You definitely don't need CBT. It sounds like you have seen the Graduate Health Worker. CBT is to help deal with unrealistic worries, and mild depression, where thought processes have got things out of proportion. That is not the case with you, you have got real stuff to deal with and you need help with that.

It seems your GP got the wrong end of the stick. I can't see much else you can do except to insist on another appointment. Possibly with a different GP at the same practice.

Seems my reassuring post was wrong in all respects confused

BTW have started official legal route re divorce settlement, which has eased my mind somewhat.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 17:56:37

*Graduate Mental Health Worker

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 18:10:08

The GP doesn't do the referral, he just gave us a leaflet and we had to self refer. Just at a bit of a loss at the moment.
Glad you have got the ball rolling, I have a couple of friends who have gone through divorce recently and they found the uncertainty very hard to deal with.

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 30-Jan-12 18:22:14

Sorry the person you saw wasn't more human, helpful, and empathic Ikea

Fair enough she couldn't go into things in depth with you or for an extended time, and she had some assessment to carry out to know how to help you further.
But there's no excuse IMHO for this tick sheet mentality you see all the time these days in health care and education etc.

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 19:19:13

Juggling, as an educator myself, I understand the benefit of using standard questionnaires as part of initial assessment but I would never rely on this alone. I use a variety of techniques and methods, depending on the learner and the circumstance. I am frustrated that I wasn't given the same consideration. It took a lot for me to walk in there and be prepared to lay myself bare and admit that I need help and I don't feel she appreciated that at all. I think the worst thing was that she didn't even have the courtesy to introduce herself. I often work with people who are taking a huge step just walking through my door and admitting that they have a problem with literacy and the first thing I do is try to put them at ease, let them know they are not being judged and try to learn a little about them. It doesn't have to take hours.
Anyway, dh has BUPA cover through work (not sure of the level) so we are going to explore that and he is going to Ring the GP to try for a cancellation.

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 30-Jan-12 19:57:27

You did say she was young Ikea

Can you forgive her on those grounds ? Is that any help to you ?

Such a shame she didn't introduce herself properly, put you at ease, and give you some time and consideration.

Have to say I like CBT as in challenging yourself to look at things in a different way. But that doesn't mean it would be right for everyone I guess. Could make things even more complicated sometimes I feel - when there's also a lot to be said for taking a simple approach smile

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 19:57:46

Oh good, hope that is a way forward for you smile

the other thing I was wondering, was whether you feel strong enough for the Stately Homes thread? Or I am happy to post there asking people to read this thread?

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 19:59:16

Juggling I agree that CBT can be very good, AIUI, but really for the circumstances I mentioned in my post upthread.

Fitzroy Mon 30-Jan-12 20:34:04

I am so sorry Ikea, I know about a computer CBT system, that is being used by the NHS all over the UK. Google www.beatingtheblues.co.uk But I do agree with PPC that you were not expecting just a tick box excercise. I would go through BUPA, as I can get counselling through work, and because of the LIFELINE system over here, because of all the troubles, I have hopefully been lucky, if you can call it that. I dealt with a lot of problems through our mental health place at an NHS hospital, with a psychologist, she ws wonderful, although I thought she wasn't doing much at the time, she listened in all the right places. I went back to her when I got on my feet and had a setback, but then it all seemed to click in place, a lot of crying and having arguments, but I got there. You will to once you get the right person to talk to... Love and hugs, and I had a bad day, but hopefully tomorrow will be better.....xxx and thinking of you. Good news for PPC, you will get there in the end as we all will. x

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 30-Jan-12 20:40:19

Thanks for the link Fitzroy - I'm just off to explore that !
Thinking of you too though, and anyone else on here struggling with depression and/or life !

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 20:44:48

Juggling, I she wasn't so young that she shouldn't have known better and imho, if you are the first face someone sees when they are going to something like this, you should know to at least try to put someone at ease. Sorry, I know my answers seem short, I really don't mean them to be, I am just so frustrated and angry and upset really. I felt fobbed off. Re CBT, I am not against it in principle but I really strongly feel it isn't for me and my friend and DH, having read up on it, both agree.
TPPC, I think I feel safer on here really. I have had a quick look but don't want to have to explain myself again with new people if that makes sense. I have no objection to you asking them over here though, maybe someone can give me a new perspective on things from a different angle.
Bugger, I am bloody crying again. I am so tired of crying. I haven't said anything to anyone in rl apart my friend and DH so most of the time I feel like I am putting a big act on. The effort of it is exhausting but the alternative doesn't even bear thinking about. They are the only rl people I want to know about this. Thank you for listening.

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 30-Jan-12 20:50:18

I don't disagree with you at all Ikeatears - I just thought I'd throw a few thoughts in to see if they gave you a different perspective at all - in case that might help. But being cross about her approach is fine too - It wasn't helpful to you was it ? - and it should have been - that's her job !

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 20:53:27

Thanks juggling.

ThePinkPussycat Mon 30-Jan-12 21:05:54

Have posted on Stately Homes, with a link here.

Ikeatears Mon 30-Jan-12 21:10:56

Thanks TPPC

helpyourself Tue 31-Jan-12 09:25:37

You have acute symptoms- insomnia, anxiety, disassociation. Some of them are due to your current situation- new baby, some of them are chemical and some are due to your past.

CBT could give you some tools to deal with the symptoms and how they are affecting you now, but you want need deserve a longer term 'cure'.

BUPA and GP sounds like the way forward.

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 09:36:01

Hi helpyourself. I understand what you are saying but I honestly don't think that having the baby has any bearing, the chemical side is being addressed by the ads and, as you say, I want a longer term solution. I am not prepared to take the quick fix. I have done this every other time. I have always thought, "oh, I'm better now, i'll forget it and move on" I want to find out what is making this reoccur, I think it is issues from my past but I am not sure and I want to know. I think I was so upset because I don't feel she listened to me, or even really gave me the opportunity to really speak.

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 31-Jan-12 09:48:39

I think you need to talk with someone in RL too about how disappointed and upset you were by your initial counseling session (assessment)

Could you get an appointment with your doctor ?
- I think you said you couldn't get one until your ADs had run out ? But that seems wrong to me. If you need to see your GP then surely you can !

helpyourself Tue 31-Jan-12 09:50:08

I'm sure you're right about the baby's effect- I meant that you have more to be sleepless and anxious about that say someone with an identical life, but no DCs.

As I said earlier, I could have written many of your posts, word for word, over the years, but never got help. In my case burying those feelings and not getting help for the chemical side of anxiety/ depression resulted in it all 'coming out sideways' ten years on (alcoholism), so I think you're really right to not grab the quick fix and press on for a sustained and supported solution via therapeutic counselling and antidepressants.

That's not to dismiss things that you can do for yourself today. Try and get some fresh air, eat well and prioritise sleep!

helpyourself Tue 31-Jan-12 09:51:49

x posted with Juggling, OP's DH was going to chase GP and that is definitely a positive thing to get done today, along with the BUPA referral.

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 10:02:13

Thanks everyone. Gp appointment is only next Wednesday and ads run out Sunday but DH has asked about an emergency prescription, he has to ring back at 1.

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 10:07:43

Sorry, meant to say, going to ring each morning in the meantime to try for a cancellation

Fitzroy Tue 31-Jan-12 10:27:27

Hi Ikea, feeling really awful this morning, it seems to be one step forward and then two back, going for the counselling this afternoon. Don't know whether to go out for a walk or not, as I felt worse when I came back yesterday. Reading through other threads, and I think that mine is a really big overdose of HRT that the consultant gave me, so I hope the counsellor understands....Feel ill already... Glad to hear you have a plan to get better treatment, and the DH is such a gem.... I have my sister but she has neither patience or the time to sit and listen to my every moan and groan..... Keep posting, and I am weeping with you this morning, no point in putting on makup....xx

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 10:44:46

Fitzroy, sorry you are feeling bad today. I hope the you have a better time than I did with the counsellor, I'm sure you will. Find something to keep you occupied until then. I have found setting myself small goals helps. Give yourself two things you have to do today and make sure you achieve them. Sending positive thoughts your way ( see! Told you I don't need CBT-I can be positive haha)

ThePinkPussycat Tue 31-Jan-12 12:40:22

Just to say, have been reading the Stately Homes thread (btw it's quite short atm as the old one filled up) and a few people are saying that having a child yourself makes stuff resurface, as you find yourself comparing (even if you may not be aware of it) and hoping you will be breaking the pattern you were raised with.

Fingers crossed for Fitzoy. x to both

Fitzroy Tue 31-Jan-12 13:06:42

Thanks Ikea and PPC, I have been to the chiropractor this morning for a sore knee, and took a walk around the block......I do find the forums very useful, but sometimes they frighten me, I suppose I shouldn't read so many..... My problem is how long before all these false hormones actually leave my body, and then I can get back to dealing with my problems. But I have googled and yahoo'd and everything, but can't seem to get an answer. Well I am off to the counsellor soon, fingers crossed.... cyber hugs

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 13:36:49

Good luck fitzroy.
Well, the receptionist from the doctor's phoned and said the doctor wanted to know why there was also a script for citalopram (did the other doctor not put it in my notes?) so I explained what had happened and she said she will speak to the doctor and I need to phone back after 5 to see if the script is ready.

Fitzroy Tue 31-Jan-12 16:46:37

Back from the counsellor, very interesting going back in my life, so he is very easy to talk to, and has told me that I need to give myself permission to get well again. I am too impatient with myself. Only 5 treatments left though, no funding..... Wish these ad would kick in. I have been on 30 mg for 13 days......
Wish I could get a restful nights sleep though.....onwards and upwards, he assures me I will be running marathons when he has finished with me.... There is a lot to be dealt with. Ikea that is the kind of therapist you need, that will go back in your life with you, but not concentrating on it too much, to upset and bring back the horrible feelings..... Hugs x

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 17:56:49

Really glad you had a better experience fitzroy. Just a thought, apparently, with mirtazipine, the larger the dose, the less of a sedative effect. I am on 15mg and it really made a difference to my sleep but also to the quality of my sleep and I'm having some amazing dreams!

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 17:57:26

Oh forgot to say my prescription is ready so panic over on that front.

Fitzroy Tue 31-Jan-12 19:53:32

Hi Ikea Thanks for telling me that, because you are meant to take them at 7 pm, but if I took them I would be asleep at 8, but it makes sense then, why, when I was put onto the 30, I am awake earlier, I take it about 10 or so... Going to dr's on Thursday, so will say to her.... very interesting.

Fitzroy Tue 31-Jan-12 19:55:15

by the way, it was the same with me, with the dreams, were very vivid, but not frightening, but I don't seem to have them with the 30. Maybe dr will lower my dose again...

Ikeatears Tue 31-Jan-12 19:57:54

Worth a try, how long were you on 15mg for?

Fitzroy Wed 01-Feb-12 10:15:57

About 4 weeks PPC, but I am still waking at 4 o'clock in the morning, and the nausea is terrible, but I had that before anyway... It was all those hormones they gave me over the last six months, I gradually felt sicker and sicker, and then the anxiety and depression took over.... Up early this morning, changed bed linen, and just have to keep going, it is not going to be an overnight success for counselling me thinks, going to be long and drawn out. Such a disappointment in the mornings when you wake and it dawns on you that you are still no better......

ThePinkPussycat Wed 01-Feb-12 10:28:29

Morning all. Fitzroy that sounds awful, how bloody long does it take the hormones to clear?

Fitzroy Wed 01-Feb-12 11:36:29

Exactly what I would like to know, and I can''t find an answer, have searched the web for a couple of weeks now....

VikingVagine Wed 01-Feb-12 14:14:32

I can't believe just how crap the NHS sounds, I live in France, and if you're not well, you get seen to straight away, even if you're not suicidal. Hang in there, you sound like you're doing well, I think many people would have completely given up by now!

Ikeatears Wed 01-Feb-12 15:04:12

Having a bad day today. Baby not too well and I don't seem to be able to handle anything remotely stressful at the moment. I just want dh to come home and take over but I know he can't. Also he is away for 2 nights next week and I know that is playing on my mind. I am used to it, he goes every month for work but the thought of it just now makes me fel sick. I know I am leaning heavily on him and I am normally the opposite but i can't seem to help it.

Fitzroy Wed 01-Feb-12 15:33:29

I know Ikea, I would be exactly the same as you, if I ws in your situation.... The counsellor yesterday did say to me that I had good Catholic guilt on my shoulders, because I expected too much of myself.... lean on your husband, I am leaning on anybody I can..... If I thought it would help you, I would refer you to the website that is for people here in Northern Ireland, but was suggested to me.... It is basically how to cope with things, and how your brain works, if you lose your support mechanism..... see what you think www.widercircle.com I am reading and trying to understand the The Sky Before the Storm, he suggested I have a look at it.... It might be too much for you at the moment, but I felt a bit more secure about my situation, as I have lost my support, and drove myself into a very lonely space, all because of 3 horrible managers, who told me I was worthless and who did I think I was, wanting further education, they used tight control, because they were horrible nasty people, and I would never wish that type of bullying on anyone.... God of I go again....I am meant to let go of all that, because unless I take a grievance against them, my work will do nothing.
If I lived near you I would come round and give you a hand.... as I am sure a lot of people would. Keep posting and you will have calm moments where you can see that you will be able to cope, I have just had one this afternoon, which was great, but it does help to keep glancing at the future when this will have all gone away.....Hugs x

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 01-Feb-12 16:38:39

Oh Ikea I hate it when the DCs are ill, especially when they were little. And my DH has just been away for 2 weeks (in India) with work. I find that a real challenge. He got back yesterday and I've had quite a lazy day today - I think the effort of the last 2 weeks has left me a bit exhausted. Hopefully will feel better in a few days once things settle back to normal.

So, huge sympathy to you ... as mothers we're just expected to cope aren't we ?
Even when the challenges/stresses change (eg DCs get ill) or the resources change (eg DH away)
We're still expected to manage it all smile
( And even when we're not well/ coping with depression )
I'm sure we'd all be well much sooner without the never ending responsibilities !

Fitzroy Wed 01-Feb-12 21:51:48

Went out tonight with a friend, but boy do I feel sick, I don't know whether its the ad's the hormones or the anxiety.......

Nighty nighty

Ikeatears Wed 01-Feb-12 22:13:08

Am struggling today. Don't feel like even talking. Feel useless and pathetic. Feel so sad and can't even say why. I am so sick of this now. My stomach is constantly churning and I feel like someone is sat on my chest. I have a lovely life- what is wrong with me? I should be able to pull myself together. Shit. I feel like I'm sinking again. I thought things were getting better.

ThePinkPussycat Wed 01-Feb-12 22:53:57

Erm no, if this were just life being a bit full on, then maybe it might be true that you should 'pull yourself together'. It isn't. You are again hoping to be free in one bound. It isn't like that, You go forward a bit, you slip back a bit, you go forward a bit more, and a bit more, you slip back a bit, you go forward. It is such a shame about the counselling, because you still have all that unresolved stuff moiling about, and you did have a plan for dealing with it, but had a set back. But you will get there. It won't be tomorrow, but you will get better. Remember you haven't even gone 3 weeks on the meds yet. You are a very proactive person, at the moment you have to be pro-active by not being proactive, and going with the flow. Smell these: thanks wink

Fitzroy Thu 02-Feb-12 09:58:08

thank goodness I logged on this morning, I am struggling big time today.... I think and hope PPC is right about going backwards and forwards, I feel drugged to the eyeballs, but yet I can't rest... for wanting to be better.... My stomach is churning away, and I can't stand the feeling of sickness, so I make myself be sick, which doesn't help when you haven't eaten anything. Back to the dr's this afternoon, I hope she can help me, as I feel time is getting on, and I am fed up going for walks, trying to keep positive, as I have very few results of feeling anyway normal.... But anyway Ikea, I am with you today, and I know we will get through it, don't we.... I just feel like screaming very loudly.....

ThePinkPussycat Thu 02-Feb-12 10:09:29

Fitzroy so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Please try and eat something, just a Weetabix perhaps. Is there somewhere you can go where you can scream very loudly? Do tell the dr everything, do you have a good dr you feel you can trust?

where do you walk, do you live somewhere nice?
hugs to both x

JugglingWithSnowballs Thu 02-Feb-12 10:10:21

Hi Ikea and Fitzroy - thinking of you both today and hoping you have better days - nice and bright here, if chilly, perhaps getting out for a walk at some point is an idea ? At least it seems the lovely things in your life (like your DCs ?) bring you some comfort and joy Ikea - else you wouldn't be mentioning them ?
I love seeing the DCs do something special or funny - but the feeling can seem quite fleeting - do you find this too ?

Ikeatears Thu 02-Feb-12 11:44:04

Not good. Can't seem to pull myself out of this. Baby has slept all morning but I have done nothing. Still not dressed. Got lots to do but can't face anything. Whit a rubbish sleep last night, very restless and kept waking up on and off. Wish dh wasn't at work.
My children, yes they do add to the stress but you are right, juggling, they also pick you up at times. Last night, ds2 drew me a lovely picture and ds3 was full of cuddles and kisses. I suspect that ds1 has an idea that I am not myself and he has been much more affectionate and considerate than usual. I worry about him because he is sensitive but keeps his thoughts to himself. I love them so much and I don't want them to grow up to have bad memories of mummy being sad and bad tempered. Am I failing them? I feel like I am.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 02-Feb-12 12:46:32

Honestly Ikea it is better to tell them you are a bit sad atm than for them to grow up thinking depression is something to be ashamed of and to hide.

Am not depressed but just can't seem to get started (one reason why I think I have ADHD).

Fitzroy Thu 02-Feb-12 13:10:45

thanks PPC and Juggling, I do have places to walk, I live near parks and a lovely river, but it all is seems a bit pointless sometimes,whenever i feel so heavy and anxious..... I have a new kitten, which is lively at times and very entertaining.... I think I am just frightened that I will never shake this off.
Ikea, tell your children that you are not feeling good, and they will always love you... and DS always love their mums, and protect them, do they not....Off to the dr's at 4.20 pm

JugglingWithSnowballs Thu 02-Feb-12 13:21:19

Ooh, I think I may well have ADD tendencies PPC - not so much the H - like you I just can't seem to get started - all seems a bit overwhelming.

Possibly have long standing sub-threshold depression too (a term I saw in one of the links on this thread )

Good to hear the things that pick you up a little Ikea and Fitzroy smile

Perhaps if you remember you have an illness Ikea it might help you to not feel guilty. You can only do what you can, and you don't have to be perfect. HTH

ThePinkPussycat Thu 02-Feb-12 13:28:44

yes, should have ADD. After all these years (and with a diagnosis of bi-polar to boot) I think the low level depression I've felt is 'just' frustration at having no motivation and being unable to get started. If I can get started, there's no stopping me.

ooh a kitten, Fitzroy smile I have an elderly cat, she has often been a comfort.

JugglingWithSnowballs Thu 02-Feb-12 13:45:22

I think it's easy too to feel guilty if we find it hard to get as much "done" as some people just seem to take in their stride. ( I think the finding it hard to choose and get started can be an ADD thing)

There's definitely a negative cycle going on of not having energy to do things - feeling guilty at "laziness" - feeling more depressed - less able to get things done

cpjoli Thu 02-Feb-12 19:13:38

I feel like this at the moment. I have an amazing counsellor who gives me hope at times.
She said to me in am email yesterday "make tomorrow a good day". Do you know what? I did. For her. For making myself go forward. I had sunk back to self harming, drinking, taking mini overdoses. But those words really struck me last night. I won't say it has been amazing, it has been just as hard but I kept thinking " today is a good day" and I am now feeling okish.
So just try to think " make tomorrow a good day".

JugglingWithSnowballs Thu 02-Feb-12 19:48:44

Well done cp - that's very impressive.

Keep thinking "today is a good day" - count some blessings if you're into that language, realise it's OK the way it is, be kind to yourself, be a bit thankful, notice the nice moments.

Some combination of all that ... and maybe when you look back on it - it really was quite a good day !

Here's to tomorrow smile
And one day at a time x

kizzie Thu 02-Feb-12 19:59:50

Hi - sorry I havent read your full thread but just noticed that you are in the first few weeks of taking ADs and just wanted to say that in my experience of taking them it can take quite a while for them to kick in properly. Before that Ive had a real mix of horrible side effects and no reduction in symptoms.
Hope they kick in soon for you and things get easier x

Fitzroy Thu 02-Feb-12 20:03:08

PPC yes we have three cats, two we got a few years ago, and then little Hollie needed a home. They can be funny at times, but I used to always have dogs, and got out and about a lot, but since my mum died, there is no-one to look after them when I work, so I decided I have to have something to look after, so hence Hollie, Eddie & Daisy. We have always had animals and I find they don't judge you, or make you feel as if you mean nothing to anyone. (Even though most of the time they are only after a cuddle or food). Went to docs, and she put me on the higher dose of Mirtapazine 45 didn't want it, but will try it for a few weeks. Funnily enough I had quite a good day today, but the mornings are horrible...... Ikea, give yourself a wee treat, and stop feeling guilty about everything, as far as any hard working mother I know, you all feel guilty all the time. Stop comparing yourself to all these so called wonderful mothers, you don't know what is going on in their heads..... hugs

Fitzroy Fri 03-Feb-12 19:38:00

Are you all ok????

VikingVagine Fri 03-Feb-12 20:43:12

Bump, what Fitzroy said.

Ikeatears Sat 04-Feb-12 10:11:31

Sorry not been back. Very up and down. Mornings are awful at the moment. Will not be on today but will be back soon. Take care everyone.

ThePinkPussycat Sat 04-Feb-12 11:57:42

Having a bit of a wobble myself, all my friends are being so 'balanced' re my divorce and I don't feel validated. Without MN I don't know what I would do!

Fitzroy Sat 04-Feb-12 13:06:22

I had a wobble yesterday, met one of colleagues, and she was dressed lovely, and the picture of health with three children in toe, and I did exactly what I said not to do, compared myself to her, and went home and cried my eyes out....... whoops....

Just thinking of you all cyber hugs.....

JugglingWithSnowballs Sun 05-Feb-12 12:55:09

Sometimes I think if I'm allowed to keep them, with no support or interest from social services, then maybe I'm doing OK ! Take it easy Fitzroy
I'm sure you're doing OK
And that's "good enough"

(And even if anyone out there is having support from social services - well, that's what they're there for. None of us could raise our DCs on our own I'd think (with no support from anyone)
smile)

Ikeatears Mon 06-Feb-12 16:25:23

Awful couple of days. Feel like I'm back to square one. Feel like giving up.

VikingVagine Mon 06-Feb-12 16:31:01

Please don't give up, we're all still here, not much we can do but listen and respond but that's better than. Itching right? The weather really isn't helping anyone I don't think, roll on spring.

Ikeatears Mon 06-Feb-12 16:41:44

Oh Viking, I just can't do it. It's too hard. I know how pathetic I sound.

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 06-Feb-12 16:43:14

Just keep going. I'm sure you will be glad you did one day. Does looking back from the future give you any sort of different perspective? Things change all the time, especially with children and babies.

I think I quite fancy being a granny one day ! Look after them for a bit and get to know them as little people, but then you can give them back to their parents !

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 06-Feb-12 16:45:51

X Post - responding to your earlier post. I'm really sorry you're finding things so hard. Please make sure you get as much support as you can. Tell your DH how you're feeling for a start. And anyone else who can help x

Ikeatears Mon 06-Feb-12 16:50:32

DH knows and he is at home today. He is away the rest of the week and the thought of it makes me feel physically sick. I can't do this. I just can't.

JugglingWithSnowballs Mon 06-Feb-12 17:11:50

Does he absolutely have to go away this week ?

Can someone else spend some time with you and give you some support while he's away?
( Like a friend or someone in your family)

Glad he's with you just now.

My DH was recently away for 2 weeks as you know, so I do feel for you x

ThePinkPussycat Mon 06-Feb-12 18:04:42

Ikea can you say what it is that you are dreading? Please hang on in there, can't do much except send you warm thoughts. I check regularly, I will always answer as soon as I see a post from you.

Fitzroy Mon 06-Feb-12 18:45:32

Ikea, hang on in there, we are here. I have so many wobbles, I have a great debt problem, and I am borrowing from Peter to pay Paul.... my head is away with it. Went for a walk, felt calmer.
Are you just not coping Ikea, are you just pannicking about things, and what are those things. You are a very capable woman with a husband, that is probably terrified, because he can't understand what is happening. It is the fear of the fear itself, that is pannicking you, and I know only too well, I have it time and time again, about coping, fears that I will do away with myself, I will go mad. And I have been reassured that it is anxiety, and the fear of fear itself, that pannicks u. If you could only get your DH to try and give you his view on how you are coping, as he probably thinks you are wonderful, it is yourself that thinks you are lousy..... Is there no-one out there that could give you a break, a mothers group or something, I nearly ended up in the church last week...... We are here, and I check like PPC, and juggling.... please keep posting....

VikingVagine Mon 06-Feb-12 19:02:33

Itching = nothing by the way in case anyone was wondering.

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 03:20:58

Can't sleep. Anyone out there?

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 04:46:18

Still no sleep. Feel sick. So tired. Baby will be up in a couple of hours. Just want to sleep and sleep and sleep

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 07-Feb-12 09:23:59

Sorry to see you had such a difficult night Ikea

Babies are such hard work. But they do gradually grow up.

Hope today is a bit better. Anything particular happening today ?

ThePinkPussycat Tue 07-Feb-12 09:26:51

Morning, Ikea so sorry you couldn't sleep, hoping maybe you are now? My sleep pattern has got a bit more normal.

Do you want to dump a few of your thoughts here?

Fitzroy Tue 07-Feb-12 10:15:01

Morning Ikea, I think you should up your ad dose, as I am now getting a better nights sleep, but I have still the awful mornings. I just want to pull the covers over my head, and forget about it all, but I drag myself out of bed.... I am so worried about not getting better, it is very slow progress, one day forward and sometimes two back.... I really do think your DH could perhaps arrange help for you, there must be some help out there. Community groups etc.... Keep posting...

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 10:40:54

Morning everyone. Finally got a bit of sleep. Woken up with a sore throat and blocked nose just to to add to everything. Things don't actually seem quite as black this morning but still not as good as I have been some days. Dh has to go away, he has no choice if we want to keep paying the bills. He will be back thursday night. I will just have to take each day as it comes. I have a meeting in the morning and a friend is coming for tea and to go through some work tomorrow and these things actually help. So just today (and he isn't going until after lunch) and Thursday but at least he'll b on his way home them. I know I too reliant on him and the moment. He rightly pointed out that he can't be here every minute of every day. He has to work. I see he doctor again a week on Friday, I cancelled tomorrows appointment as I have this meeting ( which I have cancelled once already due to all this) and also, I really want dh with me when I go.
I actually thought I was losing my mind yesterday. I fell asleep in the morning and my dreams were all about getting out of bed and going downstairs and the carpets were all weird colours and there were strangers in my house etc. I would then wake up, realise it was a dream, go back to sleep and it would start again. I didn't know I was dreaming and remember thinking "this is what madness feels like."
Also when I got up, I sat in the kitchen with dh, staring into space. He asked what I was thinking about and I realised that for about 2 hours all that had been going round and round in my head was the Something Special theme tune! Maybe I am mad. I don't know. It all sounds crazy now I've written it down.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 07-Feb-12 12:01:31

Quick reply. If you were sickening for a cold then you will have felt worse, poor you, on top of everything sad Does the Something Special theme tune have words (am not familiar with it?) I get songs on the brain, usually there is a relevant line in them, but maybe that's just me.

Fitzroy Tue 07-Feb-12 12:07:57

No, you are not mad Ikea. If you are mad then I am too..... The dreams like that I got when I was on the 15 of the ad, but on the 45, I have got better sleep, and although I keep pannicking in case I dont get better, and lose my job, I know I am coming on a bit, very slowly..... I am off to the counsellor at 1.30 pm, so I hope he doesn't go on about my past, as to me I don't know any other way i could have dealt with things, but if it helps I will go with it.... Do you feel unreal at times, that is most upsetting and annoying me considerably, but it is the brains way of protecting you. I have found some good websites and some that would frighten the wits out of you...... You are not mad, and neither am I. I don't think mad people know they are mad.....

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 12:16:22

TPPC it was "please tell me, please tell me, please tell
Me your name." not the theme tune I don't think,but was on the show. no relevance I can think of.
The dreams have been good up until yesterday, I do get dreams like this anyway occasionally but because of how I feel, I really thought I'd lost the plot.
I am frightened that I will never get out of this hole.

Fitzroy Tue 07-Feb-12 12:25:12

We all will get through it, you can tell I feel better at the moment..... but the support you get on this forum is great.....I write positive things down, and I am trying, and I repeat trying to go to them, when I feel down. But I hope once these ad kick in probably, I really want to know why I have been feeling so awful, and full of anxiety.... Watch some of the daytime tv, it takes sometimes my panic away.... and it is something else to concentrate on, chewing gum for the brain was the way someone put it to me.....

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 13:02:32

Actually, a bit of good news in the last hour. Used Dhs work benefits to access a counsellor, I will be having phone sessions starting this week so at least that is something positive.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 07-Feb-12 13:15:11

Oh good, I was wondering what was happening about the couselling.

I get the lurid dreams, but only when I have forgotten to take my ads, which I do because of feeling well smile

Remember to tell your GP all your symptoms/side effects when you next go, so they can evaluate properly.

Your song sounds like a request for information from you to the universe?

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 14:08:17

Dh gone til Thursday, had a little cry but got to get on now. Kids won't look after themselves. Deep breath and carry on.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 07-Feb-12 14:27:26

I'll be around, am doing excel atm. Luckily I like doing excel.

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 07-Feb-12 14:28:42

We're all with you Ikea

And it is only til Thursday.

So, don't count today as you've seen him this morning, and don't count Thursday as he'll be on his way home, can look forward to that, and you'll see him in the evening.

So, really, it's only Wednesday. What can you do on Wednesday to make things go quicker/ seem easier. Can you spend some time with other people who could be supportive ? Or just come on here and we'll all give you a virtual (( Ikea ))
and hold your hand !

I have to think like this when DH is away. Except with me he was away (in India) for 2 bloody weeks ! ( First half week didn't count in my head because he'd just gone away, last half week didn't count because we could look forward to him coming home. So it was just the tricky middle week to deal with ! )

Good luck Ikea Hope it flies by ! smile

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 14:44:36

Thank you everyone. Tomorrow I have a couple of things I need to do for work. Got a meeting and a friend coming round for tea to discuss something work related. Thank god he didn't have to go yesterday, I'm not sure I could have done it. I just hope I stay on an even keel like today until he gets back.

Fitzroy Tue 07-Feb-12 15:05:13

Just back from my second counselling section, and I am feeling a bit better than I did. So go for it Ikea, we are all behind you, and it will be no time at all until DH is bad.....

What is it David Cameron said "We are all in this together"...... well he thinks he is with us.....

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 07-Feb-12 16:34:14

Well done to both of you for good days so far. Hope this evening is OK. I always breathe a sigh of relief when I get the DCs into bed, and can have a few minutes to myself, maybe watching some rubbish something relaxing on TV !
And maybe open the wine wine

ThePinkPussycat Tue 07-Feb-12 16:34:53

Brain boggle here! Figures going round in my head.

So glad the counselling went well Fitzroy. OH has just reminded me that the electicity will be off all day tomorrow shock so I will have to sent good thought waves then instead of words...

Fitzroy Tue 07-Feb-12 17:53:03

Will be thinking of you PPC, and I think I will open the wine as well JWS, the counselling is hard work. He told me I was far too hard on myself, and to give myself time.....to heal..... but all I can think is when will I be better, just give me a time..... which is stupid I suppose...... Ikea... can you not have a wee glass of wine tonight, and watch some rubbish tv......

Ikeatears Tue 07-Feb-12 18:10:19

No wine for me, have realised alcohol makes me feel much worse at the moment. Kids getting ready for bed and baby will be tucked up soon so I'll try to relax. Counsellor phoned and arranged first session for 9.30 on Monday. I actually quite like the idea of over the phone, I don't feel as anxious about it and dh would tell you I never have a problem talking on the phone! We'll see. Well dh is now in London but I've spoken to him a couple of times. I'm telling myself I only feel bad because I have a cold, thanks for the support everyone, it means a lot.

JugglingWithSnowballs Tue 07-Feb-12 18:23:43

Nearly there then Ikea as far as tonight goes smile

ThePinkPussycat Tue 07-Feb-12 18:33:35

I recommend the Alex Parizzi (sp?) programme, I love seeing her sorting people out ;) 8pm tonight

Fitzroy Wed 08-Feb-12 10:29:56

Having a very bad morning, anyone out there.....

ThePinkPussycat Wed 08-Feb-12 10:33:07

Electric still on, hi fitz is it after-effects of counselling do you think?

Fitzroy Wed 08-Feb-12 12:33:28

I think i drank too much wine,and then woke up very early and was freezing.... no more wine. Plus the counselling opened a lot of issues for me around the bullying I had in work, for six years... Then I am afraid that I will lose my house, as I owe so much money, and the boiler has broken, and credit card bills etc..... I wish I could win some money from somewhere, but I am not saying that would take away all this anxiety....... But I will get out of this somehow..... I have family and friends, and at the moment a roof over my head.... How are you doing PPC, any further on with the divorce....

ThePinkPussycat Wed 08-Feb-12 13:59:16

It sounds like you have very genuine reasons for feeling down. Have you seen the CAB or someone re the debts? I used to be a CAB worker btw.

That's shit about the boiler, how are you keeping warm?

Sorry questions are maybe not what you need, so [hug] and brew (I'm having tea)

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 14:09:40

Sorry I mentioned the wine Fitzroy - I know it doesn't always help (and I've heard it's actually a depressant so possibly not a great idea)

Sorry too that you've got so much going on. I hope you can make some progress on some of those things, and get support about them too. Hope you can get the boiler fixed soon - that's a real bummer !

I'm a bit stressed about finances too - I need a job to help us out/ keep us vaguely afloat. But at least I've found one to apply for - application due in on Friday so I'll be filling that in tomorrow - have been working on responses today.
Wish me luck ! Also our car is at the garage today being fixed - hope I get it back soon !

Fitzroy Wed 08-Feb-12 16:00:54

The wine is nice to relax and forget, I suppose. I went out and sold some of my jewellery, will pay credit card for a month anyway. Yes I sought help with Payplan, but they have me on a debt management plan, that will be still going when I am off this planet the year 2026..... I am so so pannicking, my welfare branch phoned today, to ask how I was, so they will phone again in 6 weeks time, hopefully and I have fingers and toes crossed that I will be back, because all I seem to do, is walk aimlessly around feeling ill.... Out for lunch with friends this Saturday, so sort of looking forward to that. I am asked for a grant from the CSBF, my work fund, to get a new boiler....so hopefully. The house is just a millstone around our necks, but we do earn enough, but things have rocketed in price, and before Christmas we went a bit mad on a credit card.....feel sick at the thought of it. Good for you applying for a job, I have lost my confidence that I can do anything... I am so full of self pity, when there are plenty of people out there, with not even a roof over their heads.... Life sucks at the moment......hugs, and a cup of tea

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 16:23:58

It's good that from your post I can see that part of you does remember that we are fortunate to have a roof over our heads - even on days when the boiler has packed up ! Sometimes I remember that all of us in the west (just about) are quite fortunate - with clean water on tap and enough to eat, as well as the shelter you were talking about. Lots of other good things on top of those important basics too, when you stop for a moment to think about it.
There are a lot of worries though in life too, aren't there ?
I think it's best to try not to worry too much. I feel there's something in that as a philosophy, although not easy to put into practice. I've heard depression can be a defense against anxiety though. So, perhaps if we could find better ways to manage our anxieties and worries we might rise above the feelings of depression too ? I think young children and babies can induce a huge feeling of responsibility and underlying feelings of anxiety.

Glad you're looking forward to Saturday, Fitzroy - I'm going on a trip with dd on Saturday so am looking forward to that too.

How's it going today, Ikea ? Are you OK ? DH back tomorrow !

ThePinkPussycat Wed 08-Feb-12 16:46:32

Fitzroy it's a drag being in debt for so long, but that way you won't be paying more than you can afford (in theory). I take it they've had a go at getting some written off, and have got interest frozen - that's what we would have done, but I am talking over 10 years ago so things may have got less flexible since then sad

When we were on Income Support 20 years ago I put aside 30 minutes a day for proper, thorough worrying - really thinking about the worst that could happen, and then stopping. At the time there were a lot of programmes on TV about people who had bought run down chateaux in France and then got into difficulties - nasty person that I am, they used to cheer me up!

Eight days till divorced. We'll still be living in the same house with ongoing financial wrangling though confused

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 17:04:57

Thanks for that PPC

Are you having a divorce party ?!

How are you feeling about things ?

Ikea - This is, above all, your thread - How's it going ? (if you have a minute !)

Ikeatears Wed 08-Feb-12 19:30:27

Hi. Tough day. Feel rotten with a cold but had work to distract me this morning then busy with kids and friend for tea then more work talk. I finding when I have a distraction like work I am almost getting lost in it if that makes sense. I hear myself talk and talk and talk then when it's over I am exhausted by it and I slump. I don't really know if I'm making sense. Someone higher on the thread mentioned manic depression/bi polar and I am worrying and googling ( I know I know) because I do feel like I am 'speeding up' if that makes sense. I find myself wondering after I have spoken eg. To my friend tonight, I was like all my thoughts and words and ideas were all tumbling out at once and I couldn't stop, almost like a stream of consciousness, she didn't seem unnerved by it but afterwards I thought "wow, I never paused for breath." I feel like some of my earlier posts read a bit like that too.
I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just worry how I switch from one extreme to the other but with bipolar I always thought you had long periods of one or the other but I read now that that isn't always the case. When i hunk back I have always(since I was a child) had periods of 'unreality' where everything felt 'faster' somehow but they normally only last minutes or an hour at most.
I am exhausted now. Baby is in bed. The other two are in pjs and watching tv quietly and I just want to relax. I could really have a good cry but I'm frightened today that if I start I won't stop.
I am reading all about you all and I'm sorry if I dont ways acknowledge what you are going through.
Fitzroy sorry your day hasnt been good, you sound like you have lots on your plate but keep lOoking forward to Saturday.
Juggling good luck with the job application, can you say what it is for?
TPPC can't imagine the stress of divorce and having to live together mus be so hard, it happened to my neighbour and I know they really went through it.
Please do Keep using this thread, it's good that we can all support each other, sorry I'm not much good at that side of things at the moment but I promise I always read all your posts and when I feel more myself I will try to be more supportive of all of you as you have been for me.

Ikeatears Wed 08-Feb-12 19:32:32

Think not hunk by the way

ThePinkPussycat Wed 08-Feb-12 19:42:40

Ikea in theory I have a diagnosis of bipolar but don't have manic periods as such, except 4 times when I overdid it on dope. I do think I have Aspergers and ADD, I go into overdrive when deadlines call, am good at exams because of this. Tried lamotragine last year, a med for bipolar which is supposed to be good for the intractable depression of bipolar, and it just made me worse. Minimal dose of paroxatine (plus divorce!) has seen my depression practically disappear, although I am stressed. Psychiatrist was going to refer me for assessment, I saw him last week and the referral had got lost, rather than re-refer we have stuck with underlying bipolar with AS and ADD traits, as this is more help in my divorce case. I am now discharged to GP.

So it's hard to tell, I don't believe in labels except as shorthand for symptom clusters, in hospital if I had said 'yes' when asked if I heard voices, I'm pretty sure they would have diagnosed schizophrenia shock

Yes bipolar mood swings can vary quite quickly in some people, and last for different lengths of time. Some people feel normal mostly, others go from low to high and back. Stress can also have quite an effect.

I think until you deal with all the shit from your childhood, you won't know what you are like 'normally' iyswim.

Ikeatears Wed 08-Feb-12 19:53:00

Thanks TPPC. I am also better with deadlines and exams. I have never been able to start assignments early, I can't get motivated, I always wait until the last minute then I am quite capable of staying up all night to finish something in time, with a side rush of last minute focus and determination. I think you are right though, I need to see what still needs to be worked Out from the ast before I can think too much about anything else.

Fitzroy Wed 08-Feb-12 21:19:18

thank you all, ppc, yes my debts are old, and the debt management company are rubbish. I am trying out tonight to write to one creditor at a time, and get them to write them off, citing the state that I am in - I just am panic striken at the moment. Had to sell some jewellery today to pay a debt. Can't go on like this, it will have to be sorted. Ikea, you are doing great, I would be like you, not able to start assignments and then stay up late finishing them, and sometimes I think I just talk talk talk, and other times when I am stressed, I can hardly speak. Don't like to upset my sister as she seems to not be able to cope with me. But at least we all know that we are here for each other. I thank God and anyone else, that I have suffered any serious physical illnesses, but I am afraid what damage all this is doing to my body, as I just feel so heavy and lifeless, and I can't even watch CSI, or the Law and Order series that I loved, can bear to hear some radio, don't know why, I used to love Steve Wright in the afternoon.... hopefully we will all get through this......

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 21:28:52

Sorry you had a tough day Ikea

But hey ! You got through it !

Ikeatears Wed 08-Feb-12 21:31:55

Fitzroy, you are doing the right things, you are addressing the debt and talking to creditors. Keep going, one thing at a time. Do you ever use the money saving expert site? Some good hints and tips on there and letter templates etc.

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 21:39:30

Job application is to work in a playgroup with young children - the sort of job I think would suit me best for the next few years while my two are teenagers (well DD1 will be one in April !)

Ikeatears Wed 08-Feb-12 21:46:12

Thanks juggling, 'tis true and dh is home tomorrow.

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 21:48:06

Yey ! Well done to you !
Good night x

Ikeatears Wed 08-Feb-12 21:51:14

Night all. Am having a good cry at One Born Every Minute but it's a bit of a release and they don't feel like self pity tears for once. Off to bed soon. Here's to a better day tomorrow. X

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 21:57:20

Ooh, I'd go and watch that too if I could get DH off his Dad's Army box set grin

Have to be some pluses to having your DH away, hey Ikea !

Ikeatears Wed 08-Feb-12 22:03:24

Nah, I usually make him watch it with me, just so I can laugh at him when he sniffs back tears an tells me it's a sudden cold developing haha. Although, there is usually a trade off so at least I've escaped an hour of Batman games on th playstation (or is it an Xbox ? I forget ) haha

JugglingWithSnowballs Wed 08-Feb-12 22:12:32

See, I knew there'd be something !

ThePinkPussycat Wed 08-Feb-12 22:12:47

Night night all, every day I give thanks for Mumnet smile

Fitzroy Thu 09-Feb-12 09:37:41

Thanks Ikea, I think I have went beyond moneysavingexpert, hopefully today will be a better day for all of us......Have to get blood tests today, was on HRT and it sent me bonkers, it contributed to this anxiety and depression, it just does not agree with me.....
Good luck with the job application Jws

Ikeatears Thu 09-Feb-12 12:20:34

I need dh home. I am not feeling good at all today. Baby is due to wake up and I feel sick at the thought of the afternoon and evening stretching ahead. I just want to crawl back to bed. I want him home now.

Fitzroy Thu 09-Feb-12 12:51:00

I have just been down at the dr's and it was full of children, so I can partly understand how you feel...... I am having an awful time with depressing thoughts, that I will never get better of this, and I try and think positive, but it is very hard to do, when you take aimless walks on your own, because everyone else, is at work...... pannicking...... Bring back the old me, I don't like this one....
Ikea at least DH will be at home with you

JugglingWithSnowballs Thu 09-Feb-12 16:20:24

Not long now Ikea before your DH gets back home (Where he should be ?!)
- I guess like my DH someone has to earn some pennies !

Sorry it's been a hard day for you. I guess you were expecting it might be, but that doesn't help much.

Sorry it's not been good for you either Fitzroy
I'm sure getting out for that walk is still a good idea, even if it does seem a bit aimless sometimes. Can be nice when the sun is shining. A bit cold today ?

Thanks for your good wishes re. the application. I've nearly got it done, just last few bits in the morning, and photocopy some certs, then due in at noon (Will take it round) I am a slight procrastinator - so a bit last minute !
Saw a good motto on "mantra" thread
"Done is better than perfect" which encouraged me, especially with the more boring bits !

Ikeatears Thu 09-Feb-12 17:30:15

For goodness sake, I just had a huge rant about the car breaking down on the school run and walking home in tears and my mother doing random things with her money and the bloody page went off and lost it all! I haven't the energy to write it out again. Let's just say its been a challenging day and I will probably go to bed when the kids do!

Fitzroy Thu 09-Feb-12 18:34:40

Sorry Ikea, I did the same thing, I was just typing a big long essay, about how awful a day I had yesterday, and I must have touched something, and off it went, and I couldn't be bothered typing it out again. Its just good getting it off your chest........

ThePinkPussycat Thu 09-Feb-12 21:09:46

Yeah there have been a few exploding posts.

Juggling I nearly always had to hand deliver my applications. It often worked out that I had a very short cheery chat to someone there.

Ikea if you could be bothered or if it would help, I would be interested to hear of your mum's situation in a v general way. But obviously, if not, not iyswim. I have spent the day sorting out a problem with the divorce finances, so have my 'money head' on, so to speak.

seven days of marriage left grin

Ikeatears Thu 09-Feb-12 21:50:12

TPPC, she is in the early stages of early onset Alzheimer's and I have managed her bills and accounts etc for a couple of years. She only has a cash card where I transfer 'spending' money for her each week. She has taken to posting money to my sister but goodness knows who else. I got a letter from her today to say her usual Friday outing was going to be Saturday. Why she couldn't pick up the bloody phone I don't know! Also my sister informed me today that she told her she had won a watch and had only had to ring a phone number to claim it! Brilliant, probably spend £20 on a phone all for a 50p watch! I couldn't remember her password for the BT website so I'll have to wait for her bill. I know I don't sound sympathetic but she was always a pain even before her illness, she is incredibly selfish and always wants her own way. She drives me insane and I just don't have the energy for her at the moment. My sister helps but she has her own stuff going on too.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 09-Feb-12 22:15:00

I think I may be able to help Ikea, I have had clients who were carers of people with quite advanced dimentia when I was with the CAB (home visits), have a friend whose mother has it, DMIL's M had it, and FIL had a version of it - more aphasia than dementia though, and loss of skills.

The people I know about range in age from mid-70's to over 80. I am in my late 50's, so have witnessed it several times at different stages in my life.

Could you give me a few very general details re your family - does your DM live alone, who else is there involved (you and your sister +anyone?care?etc and the rough ages of all involved. How near to each other everyone is? (And again, don't if you'd rather not.)

Is DH home yet? Has he had a good time? I myself have had a very interesting day, which began with going to brunch at a friend's house. smile

ThePinkPussycat Thu 09-Feb-12 22:16:21

Or PM if you would rather, but I think it can be done without outing yourself?

Ikeatears Thu 09-Feb-12 22:35:19

Glad you a had a good day, dh is home and I have cried most of the evening, maybe in relief!
My mother lives on her own. She is twice divorced and only has me and my family and my sister. She has a brother but they arent close. Shes only in her early 60s but has always been like a spoilt toddler. We do what we can because we should but we didn't really like he person she was before so it's hard to see past that and hard not be frustrated when she does silly things. She's reasonably self sufficient day to day but I can see that she is getting a bit worse. Can't handle it at the moment so dh has been dealing with anything pressing that has come up.

JugglingWithSnowballs Fri 10-Feb-12 11:12:22

Thanks for your encouragement PPC - It all kept me going and I handed in my application just now. Fingers X for an interview.

At least DH is back now Ikea - it's so hard the way everyone expects mothers to just cope whatever life throws at them - and even on our own with no support. sad It's not an easy job raising children ! Will be better now you can be a team again x

Fitzroy Fri 10-Feb-12 11:35:42

Ikeatears, I do feel for you, a good friend of mine just had her second baby, whenever her mother took dementia, it was a terrible time for her, whilst she was trying to be a good mother, and really mourning for her own mother, who is only in her 50's. Her mum was eventually taken into a care home, and my friend said she has never seen her happier, because she is being properly cared for.... but that will probably be a long way off for your mum. My dad had it, but it came on suddenly with him, and was very distressing, he lived with us, and kept trying to get out of the house, he eventually had to be sectioned as he was becoming too violent, when we were trying to deal with him. PPC keep up the good work, you are a great advisor to everyone..... I had an awful row with my sister last night about debts, she went to bed and I went out for a drive, came back and fell asleep, feel as if I am back to the start of all this depression and anxiety..... going for lunch tomorrow, and just hope I don't burst out crying.... so nauseous again....

Fitzroy Fri 10-Feb-12 17:28:26

Just had a phone call from advice centre re my debts, they are all around 10 years old now, and have been sold on to debt collectors..... scum of the earth, you have no idea what they have threatened me with. Charges on property etc etc.... credit card debts are not secured on property, and I did not have any property when I took them out. I feel awful, just want to go and disappear somewhere.... Head very dizzy and I am so so tired of it all.... just take my roof and let me out..... sorry for going on.

Ikeatears Fri 10-Feb-12 18:00:13

Fitzroy rant away. Sometimes just writing everything makes it a bit better I find. ((hugs))

Fitzroy Fri 10-Feb-12 20:18:38

thanks everyone, here's hoping for a better day tomorrow.....x

ThePinkPussycat Sat 11-Feb-12 03:28:38

It's the weekend Fitzroy so I think you can relax a little over these days. How are they communicating with you? by letter? I believe it may be illegal to harrass people for money, keep good notes if they contact you by phone. You may well be able to negotiate with these people, but not till you've had further advice. I wonder which Board would get you the best advice...Legal? Money?

Ikea I have some general thoughts on dementia, one name for it used to be 'second childhood'. The world has changed in many ways since your mother and I were young. In our young days (I am 59) the phone was not nearly so much taken for granted. It cost quite a lot, and the pips went every 3 minutes to remind you that it was costing you. Letters were the cheapest way of communicating, and there were at least 2 deliveries a day. People used cash - the credit card was unheard of. If your mother has lost some of her map of the world, she may be relying on an out of date one from her youth. Just a hypothesis, though.

ThePinkPussycat Sat 11-Feb-12 03:29:30

We did have cheques though, we're not that old grin

Fitzroy Sat 11-Feb-12 11:45:09

They are with a debt managment company, since 2006, and every so often they threaten me with court, and with the way I am at the moment, they pannick me... I have been trying to get them to write them off as they are so old...... sick with worry.... going for lunch.....

Fitzroy Sun 12-Feb-12 12:15:25

Is everyone ok, I am having a s**t morning, lunch went fine yesterday, and I am lucky to have such good friends, but all these horrible terrifying thoughts.... I was awake at 5, because of a mad kitten flying round my room, but she did make me laugh... and I suppose as long as we can raise a smile we are not that bad..... Hope everyone is ok hugs

ThePinkPussycat Sun 12-Feb-12 15:44:55

Fitz who exactly threatens you with court?

Mad kitten sounds fun, when ours was young she would come onto our bed after we had gone to bed, and then...suddenly...pounce! on whatever foot or hand we had happened to move.

Not too bad today myself, stresswise.

Fitzroy Sun 12-Feb-12 18:02:31

thats good PPC, these ad seem to be taking ages to kick in, the anxiety and feeling unreal is awful.... very distressing, and frightening. Not looking forward to another week of this....

Fitzroy Sun 12-Feb-12 18:04:15

Sorry PPC forgot to say the debt collectors, they do it all the time.....

ThePinkPussycat Sun 12-Feb-12 18:36:45

Well as you have someone managing your debt for you, I think that is harassment - do they phone or write?

Fitzroy Sun 12-Feb-12 19:52:51

I had to go to court with one of them last year, to get their demand "set aside", yet I had Payplan managing my debt management plan. Payplan did nothing to help, so I had to pay to get an avait davit signed and go to court. They didn't turn up, and they said I had not been in contact with them.... they do it all the time. I am so sick and tired of them all.... I am convinced that is why I am in the state I am in, apart from taking all that crap HRT.....never touch it again... it does not agree with me, and messes with your hormones, causing depression and anxiety.....

ThePinkPussycat Sun 12-Feb-12 21:58:56

You can swear an affidavit at court for free - I had to for my divorce.

Who are Payplan? Do you have to pay a fee? I know there are only 2 or 3 people recommended to do debt management and one of them is the CAB. I expect there is something relevant on moneysavingexpert.

AIUI if creditors contact you direct, all you should do is refer them to your debt managers.

Fitzroy Mon 13-Feb-12 09:44:38

thanks PPC I paid £20 for it to be signed.... Payplan, you can google them, but my dmp ends in year 2326 or something daft like that. Now I have another government run agency saying they can take it over, and do the same thing... but to be honest I want them written off. I have no assets except for half a house, which I can't release any money without the agreement of my sister. None of these debts were ever secured on property, as I didn't have any when they were taken out.... but dca, are the really lowest of the low..... I don't think I am going to change to this other company as I don't have the strength at the moment.... feel rotten this morning....how about everyone else. Ikeatears should be having her counselling session about now... hope it goes well for her...

Ikeatears Mon 13-Feb-12 10:32:48

Hi all. just come off the phone to the counsellor, he was very nice and I have given him a little of the background to how I am feeling and to my childhood and my biological and adoptive families. He one hundred per cent agreed that CBT is not what I am looking for at the moment and has suggested that after these 6 sessions end, he will help me to try to access something more long term in my area. I cant say I feel any better or any worse but I know it is early days.
We went out on Saturday night with some friends and I had only 4 drinks but felt terrible on Sunday. I need to accept that alcohol is not my friend at the moment. I am ok today, not up but not in the depths. Day by day I suppose.

Fitzroy Mon 13-Feb-12 11:08:03

thank goodness Ikea, you got an understanding counsellor. I am the same with alcohol, I don't think I should have more than a glass. My pannicking used to be only in the morning, but is appearing even when I go to bed.... My sister thinks I am getting better, but I can't see it, I hide a lot of weeping and wailing from her, and the awful thoughts I have.... And all the news seems to be bad at the moment.....

ThePinkPussycat Mon 13-Feb-12 12:24:22

That sounds like a very good start Ikea, he needed to gather information first and he seems to have come up with a very good plan.

Fitz no wonder you are so down, you are carrying a heavy burden. Do you feel able to see the CAB? It may take a few weeks to get an appointment as they are so busy. Just to talk to them about the situation, not to hand over your debt management necessarily.

Fitzroy Mon 13-Feb-12 12:49:40

I have talked to Advice4DebtNi, and they want me to do a financial income outgoings this afternoon, but to be honest they can't come up with anything new, as I have overspent before Christmas, when I first became ill, and my current account is with the same building society that my credit card is with, so I would lose everything, as the bank can just take money from my current to cover the credit card.... I am so pannicked.... feel sick again....

ThePinkPussycat Mon 13-Feb-12 12:52:48

I have pm'd you Fitz and about to send another...

Fitzroy Mon 13-Feb-12 16:15:42

Hi PPC, I went out for a half hour walk, which has helped a little. I don't know why I am so worried whenever they have accepted my offer of a token payment, I should just wait until I am feeling stronger, which I hope is very soon. Going to say to the counsellor tomorrow, and ask why is this happening now, as the stress was worse two years ago, when I was burgled twice within 6 months, and my car stolen both times...... when I look back I don't know how I thought I came through it.. I was bullied at work for th last 6 years, and my mum died, is it any wonder I am in the state I am in...... My work also want to see me, they obviously think I am faking it..... How many days now until you are a free woman......

ThePinkPussycat Mon 13-Feb-12 17:18:27

Thursday is the day grin

Fitz I have been through the whole off work with stress/mh issues myself. In my case there was a procedure laid down which was theoretically designed to help, but actually didn't. For instance I was off because work was stressing me, with a 4 week sick note, after 2 weeks they rang me, I think the procedure said to do so 2 weeks before due back and theoretically it was to show concern and due care...instead it put me right back to my initial stressed out state and I retreated to bed for 2 days sad

Fitzroy Mon 13-Feb-12 17:29:53

My stress is due to work, as you say, and as far as I know, you are entitled to one years full pay, if the stress is caused by your work..... i am hoping to take out a grievance process when I go back, I only hope I am back before 6 months.... I seem to be going backwards, I get stressed because I am not at work, but the thought of it stresses me out. I might try out a phased return..... if I feel any better.... thank you so much for your kind thoughts and I do agree these forums do help.....

Ikeatears Mon 13-Feb-12 18:14:06

Hi again, TPPC, not long til Thursday now, how are you feeling about it? Even when we want something very much, the end of a marriage must feel sad and throw up mixed emotions. Fitzroy, hope tomorrow is a better day for you, at least the walk helped.
Well, something came up in the counselling this morning which I thing has possibly explained what my trigger has been this time. In November, we went on a family holiday, my dad and stepmum, my stepbrothers, my sister and our families for a special birthday. We have done this once before, a couple of years ago and it was fine so I wasn't too concerned. This time it was...I'm trying to find the right words...it was uncomfortable. I think that's what I mean. It felt like there was an underlying tension and as though we were putting on an act. My sister actually said to me at the time that it all felt false and she was sick of keeping up the pretence. I think I knew and I know, deep down, we haven't got over any issues and we aren't an ordinary loving family but we pretend we are and I felt the strain of it that week. I think this may have started my feeling like this. When I look back, I can see that I felt a bit 'flat' that week and that feeling didn't go away all over December. It had flitted through my brain a couple of times over the last couple of weeks that the holiday may have had something to do with it. Today saying it out loud, the counsellor picked up on it and it became clear that it probably did start then.
Maybe counselling is for me after all...

ThePinkPussycat Mon 13-Feb-12 18:26:01

Ikea that is great to hear - like finding the end of the string when it's all in a tangle.

I'm fine, I don't really believe in marriage anyway, and working out how to live under the same roof is progressing one little step at a time. Caught up with an old friend today, and felt supported.

Am planning to start a party thread in Relationships on Thurs at about 8.30 pm or maybe before - hope you can all make it smile

Ikeatears Mon 13-Feb-12 18:32:24

I'll look out for it.
Yes, at least I feel a bit more in control because it doesn't appear to be a random occurrence. That worried me because I have always had triggers in the past and to feel like this with no trigger felt scary as it meant it could rear its head at any time if that makes sense.

Fitzroy Mon 13-Feb-12 18:49:54

that is brilliant news Ikea, I can trace all this stress back to things, but I have never ever had it so bad, and I do blame the HRT treatment for that. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day for us all, and PPC, count me in for that party.... xxxxkeep posting...

Fitzroy Wed 15-Feb-12 09:59:07

Everyone ok..... PPC Ikeatears..... I check in all the time to see if you are ok...

ThePinkPussycat Wed 15-Feb-12 10:28:49

I am fine. Very well in fact. I check in all the time too - so perhaps when we check, we should post something, however trivial, the inconsequential chat of friends smile

I have a meeting taking place here on Fri am, am going to have to wash the kitchen floor and hoover round and stuff today and tomorrow. Am quite looking forward to it in a funny sort of way - have been on housework strike, as for ages I was the only one in a house of 4 adults who did any proper cleaning!

Ikeatears Wed 15-Feb-12 14:20:08

Hi all, I'm fine too. Had a tough afternoon yesterday but texted dh to phone me when he was free and he called me in between work sites and just chatted on his hands free while he drove and that was enough. Nothing heavy, just hearin his voice picked me up a little. Today I have worked, meeting new learners which I enjoyed and my friend watched the baby so had a nice chat with her when I got back. I have a new project at work which is slightly making me panic but I am determined to rise to the challenge and I find keeping my mind occupied helps. I WANT to curl up and do nothing but find the anticipation of all there is to do is worse than the actual tasks if that makes sense. I am finding I can't think too far ahead or I get that sinking feeling but one thing at a time is manageable.
Going to have a nice meal with dh tonight when kids are in bed because we were too busy last night. We don't make a huge deal of valentines but we do always try to just put a little one aside to us.
Hope you are all well, one day at a time is my philosophy at the moment.

Ikeatears Wed 15-Feb-12 14:21:15

A little time not a little one!

Fitzroy Wed 15-Feb-12 16:03:11

Hi all, glad you are feeling better Ikea, and PPC..... one day at a time, but my problem is today, I didn't feel like eating lunch, so went out to recycling centre with my glass, papers etc, and went to B&Q to get some new soil for some bulbs I have, looking forward all the time, but I became really weak, obviously because I didn't eat, and now I am in tears, as I feel I have went back further than I have come.... Stress is an awful thing, if only I had a broken ankle or something, at least maybe I could relax when I sit down. I feel I always should be doing something,a nd the anxiety in the morning is still very bad.... but maybe tomorrow will be a better day.... xx

Ikeatears Wed 15-Feb-12 17:03:37

Fitzroy. Add eat lunch to your to do list every day, even I'd it's just a few crackers and cheese that you don't have to prepare. I feel worse if I don't eat, even with no appetite. Here's to tomorrow ladies and TPPC , just one more sleep!

ThePinkPussycat Wed 15-Feb-12 18:59:23

I have to make myself eat. I go to the shop and buy random stuff I might like - this might well include coffee cake or chocolate cake wink, I have got some prawns defrosting for later, and am eating buttered Granary bread and a chunk of cheddar atm grin

Fitzroy Thu 16-Feb-12 09:55:32

Oh, how I hate the mornings....

ThePinkPussycat Thu 16-Feb-12 10:53:26

Today's the day!!

I hope, anyway. My sol seems incapable of answering a simple question if I email it, I did try to clarify the process, but think it will happen today and they will hear Monday.

Still have kitchen floor to wash. Have made first batch of cheese scones for tomorrow's lunch.

I hope my news cheers you up a bit Fitz brew

Ikeatears Thu 16-Feb-12 10:58:02

This morning is almost over fitzroy. ((hugs)). I woke up feeling terrible and really struggled to get out of bed. I knew I was spoiling for a fight so told dh to give me a wide berth. I told him it wasn't him but I was so irritable I would have blown at the least little thing. I had to get up because I had to go into the office but again, this helped and I am felling much better now, if a little 'nervy'. My sister and my mum are due to arrive so I'll have some lunch wih them then do some lesson planning for tomorrow, pick kids up from school, tea, bedtime routines, a bit more planning then that's another day over. Doctors after work tomorrow, dh is meeting me there. Keep going x

Fitzroy Thu 16-Feb-12 14:02:06

You are both very brave, I am stuck off work sick, I would love to go back, but I am transferring back to nearer home... I am so bad with obsessional thoughts, re "I wish I was not here", they are just thoughts but the depression only lifts now and again.... the mornings are the worst though, and I just wish I could shake this off....
Good for you PPC, I have eaten some breakfast, and a bannana, so hopefully will keep energy up. I just don't seem to have much of an apetite, but hearing how you are all doing so well, does help, and I am only 2 weeks on the higher dose of ad....... I have set goals everyday, so it is not as if I am not planning things..... hugs xxxx

ThePinkPussycat Thu 16-Feb-12 17:01:21

Well, it looks like I'm still married till at least tomorrow, but actually that suits me. House cleaning going well, other members of household have at least put their stuff away!

I am so glad I don't have to go back to a job, all mine have ended in depression. I do like to make myself useful though, and feel I am achieving that, also I will need to make an income of sorts whatever happens, and am hoping to do some freelance work smile

Party on Relationships is still on though grin

Fitzroy Thu 16-Feb-12 18:01:42

You could always train to be a counsellor of some sorts...... you are really good at it, and you sound like you have had loads of experience..... Save a seat for me at the party.... its a new opportunity..... for you ....
I think I had a positive thought this afternoon, now that's a first...

Ikeatears Thu 16-Feb-12 18:27:10

Yay! Positive thoughts, that's what we all need! See you in relationships, I might just pop in to say hello then lurk though!

ThePinkPussycat Thu 16-Feb-12 21:07:57

No more training for me, not at my age... Party on, chaps!

Fitzroy Fri 17-Feb-12 16:08:08

Lost that positive thinking again, went away, wish it would come back soon.... trying to do a clear out of rubbish that I don't know why I kept. Selling things on ebay, and generally trying to keep occupied. Dr's rang to ask me to get some more blood tests, including B12.....
Are you free yet PPC....

ThePinkPussycat Fri 17-Feb-12 17:26:28

I don't actually know. But stbx/ex is now engaging in dialogue re settlement, which is a huge step forward grin

Meeting here went well today, and I have a clean(ish) ground floor, and DD and OH have sorted their stuff without even noticing wink and there is lots of nice stuff for sandwiches around, and a tin full of cheese scone. I am now completely knackered and about to have a well earned rest. Good result, all in all, I feel.

Ikeatears Fri 17-Feb-12 18:05:33

Hi all. Checking in but will come back when kids are in bed with a longer post. X

ThePinkPussycat Sat 18-Feb-12 00:04:15

Too tired to sleep. He is still being an utter arse, and DD is being a selfish little cow who thinks I should rush to her side everytime she clicks her fingers, no matter that I might be doing something else. <sigh> I asked her if she thought I was the genie of the lamp, and later suggested she might take lessons in how to deal with servants from Her Feline Majesty Queen Midnight, who comes to find me, waits patiently, and then graciously leads me to do her bidding. smile

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Sat 18-Feb-12 08:41:40

I think the humour with dd sounds good PPC

How old is DD ?

Say whatever you like about your DH but don't malign your DD is my feeling. Don't tar them both with the same brush anyway ! HTH smile

ThePinkPussycat Sat 18-Feb-12 09:53:04

DD is 20. Like her father and brother(23) she has consistently declined to help round the house, even when asked, (and repeated asked=nagged, which I hate doing). She saw no humour in what I said, am not sure she even understood what I was getting at. I do not blame her and DS, I think it is learned behaviour from Stbx, and I hope and pray that Real Life will remedy the damage inflicted by the marriage. Neither of the kids know how little stbx has contributed financially, I have kept it from them out of shame for their father, and the result is they are both hardworking with full time jobs they are good at and enjoy.

DD and I love each other - even in the midst of a row discussion a few weeks ago, she interrupted herself to tell me she loved me, and in most ways she is a well rounded lovely young woman (see Aspergers thread on Relationships for a few more details). However, she does not respect me as I would expect anyone to respect another adult who shares a household, seeming to equate me with Dobby the House Elf grin Over the years stbx has never backed me up when I've asked the kids to help, I am the one who repeatedly asked DS to clean the bbq after he used it last summer. It still sits on the patio, and is now all rusty.

Stbx has tarred DD with his own attitude to me, however I think the eucalypus oil of maturity will clean it off in time! DD is planning to lodge with stbx in the house he buys after the settlement, I will be interested to see how they get on. Am so longing to live alone, I need some space...

<and breathe> what would I do without you lot to let it all out to?

Fitzroy Sat 18-Feb-12 12:34:52

Hi, I was trying positive thoughts again, but selling on ebay is doing my head in... they want something for nothing.....
I am crying again, and yet I got up early, tried a little breakfast, but everything seems to much for me at the moment... I can't face any more of this anxiety.... oh to be back to my old self....
PPC, you will be alone soon enough, and then you can choose what and when you do it. DD, will soon see dh is new light..... sorry I am no good at cheering anyone up, trying my best to keep my own chin above water..... but you are right it does help to keep posting.....

ThePinkPussycat Sat 18-Feb-12 12:51:45

Fitz DD and stbx know a thing or two about e-bay, and what strategies you need to run as a seller. But I know very little sad Have you looked at the E-Bay Mumsnet thread? It's the weekend, stop thinking about what you are doing to raise money and take a little time to stop selling and research the best way of doing it. That's what MN is for brew [cake]

Perhaps someone is selling positive thoughts on e-bay wink If so, I would go for the 'buy now' option rather than bidding grin

Stbx is talking specifics. We are making progress.

Fitzroy Sat 18-Feb-12 16:28:05

Thanks PPC, went out for a walk round the shops, bought one postive thought, and sold something for a good price on ebay.... keep on going.....

ThePinkPussycat Sat 18-Feb-12 17:24:24

Care to share your positive thought? The good thing about thoughts is that even if you give them away, you still get to keep them yourself wink

Too cold for me here to go for a walk - think blue skies, wind, and occasional sleet shower [brrr]

Fitzroy Sat 18-Feb-12 19:24:28

Positive thought, brought on by the walk, was I will get better from this, it is hard, especially the racing thoughts, and nausea, but I WILL GET BETTER....I only have to give myself time and stop being so hard on myself.....
it was very cold here as well, but I needed to get out, as I didn't want my sister thinking here she goes again..... and then she gives me her reassuring speech...... a hug would be nice......

ThePinkPussycat Sat 18-Feb-12 20:36:20

Some people just can't do 'em - my DF, for one, (suspected AS, that's one of the things making me think he has it).

Just had a good time watching You've Been Framed, and TV Burp. These days I seem able to laugh out loud in a way I had lost over the years. Good sign, eh?

Ikeatears Sun 19-Feb-12 09:45:14

Sorry, still here. Am reading but can't seem to find the words to post at the moment.

ThePinkPussycat Sun 19-Feb-12 10:36:50

Just hang on in Ikea and [hugs] to all.

Fitzroy Sun 19-Feb-12 12:30:51

Yes it is weird PPC to find yourself laughing, when I thought I really think i shouldn't be laughing, because I feel so awful....keep on laughing..... its a lovely day here, sunny but cold...
Ikea, just keep reading, and when you feel able to post you will

xx

Fitzroy Sun 19-Feb-12 17:11:09

feeling really down......

ThePinkPussycat Sun 19-Feb-12 19:13:57

Say a little more Fitz, we won't judge. Just had a row with DD about Sky + sad

Fitzroy Sun 19-Feb-12 19:26:17

trying not to concentrate too much on the fact that I have to go to occupational health tomorrow, and I still cannot get a good sleep. The cat woke me up, but i was awake anyway..... I was freezing cold again..... still not eating properly, and at the moment, trying to watch Dancing on Ice, which I usually can't stand, but for some reason, it makes me not worry.... trying to cut back on the diazepam, they help, but not enough to get me a good sleep. Sky plus, Virgin Media, all those rubbish channels and not much on any of them..... I cut back on all of mine, trying to save money, and I haven't really noticed any difference....How you doing PPC.....

Grainofanidea Sun 19-Feb-12 19:31:43

Still here, not forgotten you all.

Grainofanidea Sun 19-Feb-12 19:36:53

Oops sorry, wrong thread blush (slinks off to find her friends...)

ThePinkPussycat Sun 19-Feb-12 19:37:00

I think I have made my final offer to stbx/ex. He is considering it. Sky+ is the hard drive TV recorder, it's been running pretty full and people have not been watching stuff but won't delete it either. I am dealing with this problem grin

When i was working and stressed and stbx had turned into an arse several years previously, the only peace I could find was watching Columbo on a Sunday afternoon. This year I tried Strictly Come Dancing cos DM watches it, and found it had a similar effect smile

Today I have been dozing but not really sleeping, some of the time, with the cat on the bed with me. I don't think I'll be able to sleep properly till we have agreed the financial settlement.

ThePinkPussycat Sun 19-Feb-12 19:37:54

Oh Call the Midwife is worth a look, too, it's on at 8pm.

ThePinkPussycat Sun 19-Feb-12 20:20:30

Correction: it's on at 8.30 pm. There's a thread as well, in Telly Addicts grin

Fitzroy Sun 19-Feb-12 21:41:01

PPC just got an awful shock, I have a credit card with nil per cent for 22 months. Some of the direct debits got mixed up, and there was a late payment. I feel so sick again, I cannot afford twice the amount. It was in the small print, that if you default on any payment, they withdraw the promotional rate.... Oh goodness me another thing for me to panic about. I have emailed them, and told them I cannot afford the payments.....Money is the root of my problems, and I hope you get a good settlement..... panic panic

ThePinkPussycat Sun 19-Feb-12 21:56:29

Do Not, Repeat Do Not, Panic. (Oh all right, panic a bit...)

Remember they would rather have some money than none, rather get it sorted with you than spend money chasing you. You have done exactly the right thing emailing them.

Cried at Call the Midwife, it brought back the happiness of giving birth my own DC so clearly (but without the pain smile)

Fitzroy Sun 19-Feb-12 22:42:19

thanks PPC, you cry away, you have come through an awful lot, and you are also helping me along the way.....night night x

Fitzroy Mon 20-Feb-12 10:25:37

phoned cc company no understading whatsoever still shaking x

ThePinkPussycat Mon 20-Feb-12 10:37:06

Grrr on your behalf. Did they reply to your email?

If you spoke to someone in a call centre they may have no room for manoevre. Really you should get advice from your debt management people, who should negotiate on your behalf at a higher level.

A depressed friend of mine who had been looking for new windows, booked a visit from Everest, and they managed to get her to sign a contract, which she hadn't really wanted to do. I rang them up and said it would not look good that they seemed to be taking advantage of someone with mh problems, and eventually they backed down. Arses.

For myself, I am shameless about trading on my mh if it helps me. God knows it's hindered me enough in my life.

Fitzroy Mon 20-Feb-12 12:06:52

true PPC, I am really worked up today, afraid the ad's are not going to work, and the kitten is getting her little operation tomorrow....
I will wait and see if the interest rate comes down to 1.9 per cent as they said they would do that for me. It is 18.9 at the moment... they say if I can't afford it I shouldn't have put the money on the card, but it was a balance transfer to take advantage of nought per cent for 22 months... I just can't deal with this crap at the moment.....
Any word from Ikea, hope she is ok...... Love to all - going to have to calm down and try and make sense of things, or else there is no hope..

ThePinkPussycat Mon 20-Feb-12 13:59:23

Fitz is that 1.9% per annum - if so it doesn't seem too bad, and suggests this is their standard arrangement for people who find themselves in your situation re their card - so you are not alone in that respect...

Would you care to PM me the balance on the card?

AS FROM LAST FRIDAY I AM DIVORCED! grin grin grin grin

Fitzroy Mon 20-Feb-12 15:58:27

Will pm you? And congratulations, although I suppose you are bound to have some regrets.....

ThePinkPussycat Mon 20-Feb-12 18:32:03

I don't regret the divorce at all. However, strangely enough I don't regret the marriage either.

Fitzroy Mon 20-Feb-12 18:45:26

its good you feel that way, it maybe "your time" now, to look after yourself.x

Ikeatears Tue 21-Feb-12 08:50:31

I'm here, not very well but will post when I can.

ThePinkPussycat Tue 21-Feb-12 09:09:13

Morning, Ikea, I take it you still low or is it something physical? How long have you been on meds now, I have lost track of time a bit, with life being a bit full on.

Fitzroy Tue 21-Feb-12 09:32:46

morning Ikea and PPC, I am up and about, but like Ikea feeling bad this morning....

Fitzroy Tue 21-Feb-12 15:37:04

Tears today, and to top it all I was done for speeding at the grand speed of 39 mph.......

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Tue 21-Feb-12 15:48:50

Oh I'm so sorry about the speeding fine Fitzroy

I got one a couple of years ago as caught by a speed camera driving past open fields - but on the other side of road was a closed for holidays school - hence 30 mph limit. I'm a very safe driver - 30 yrs experience and virtually no incidents.

We just have to hope and pray we can carry on driving safely, realise these things are there to protect us all ( some need it more than others !) - and try not to take it too personally.

Love to all. Happy pancake night ! What are you having with yours - we've got a range of options ... lemon and sugar, maple syrup, or Nutella grin

Place your orders ! smile

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Tue 21-Feb-12 15:52:10

PPC Congrats on the divorce grin

No regrets seems like the best way to go with it !

Wise woman smile

What would you like on your pancake ? grin

ThePinkPussycat Tue 21-Feb-12 15:55:40

Golden Syrup please grin <licks lips>

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Tue 21-Feb-12 16:18:16

< Ssssss, Ssssss, Spp ..... first pancake sizzles in the pan smile >

Fitzroy Tue 21-Feb-12 16:32:54

Forgot it was pancake Tuesday.........

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Tue 21-Feb-12 17:37:24

You can always have one of mine Fitzroy smile

Fitzroy Tue 21-Feb-12 22:42:39

went out tonight, so I had one there, but if you have any left Juggling

ThePinkPussycat Tue 21-Feb-12 22:58:13

only had your virtual ones juggling but pancake day has always been a bit of a moveable feast in our house. Will do them when DD or even DD and DS are here...

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Wed 22-Feb-12 09:43:33

Here Fitzroy and PPC - I have just enough batter left for breakfast pancakes for you and PPC - and one last one for Ikea ....

< Sssss, Ssssss, pancakes sizzle in pan >

- May I recommend the lemon and maple syrup topping ?

< pours syrup, squeezes lemons >

That should set you up for the day !

Fitzroy Wed 22-Feb-12 10:44:22

Couldn't face one this time of the morning, just about got my tiny bowl of museli down me..... will save pancake for later...

ThePinkPussycat Wed 22-Feb-12 10:47:55

Sorry to confess, cig and milky coffee for breakfast here. But a pancake does sound rather nice...

Fitzroy Wed 22-Feb-12 15:59:07

Raining here today, got the Beating the Blues CBT from my occupational health from work, just wanted to try it. It is a bit weird, because you don't seem to get any individual feedback, but sure if it helps, I will give it a go....
Miserable day, cats asleep, and I am watching rubbish tv.....how is everyone else......
Went to hear a talk on the "Titanic" it was very good, as I am sure you know, the ship was built here, and it was alright when it left here....
We are trying our best now to get tourists into this country....and hopefully it will pay off for us.....

Fitzroy Thu 23-Feb-12 09:56:11

Another day......

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Thu 23-Feb-12 10:30:54

What you up to today Fitzroy ?

Good to hear you talk about the Titanic talk - I'm interested in history, especially since having the DCs and finding out a bit about our family history.

I'm a bit fed up as DH has been tricky since the DCs went back after half-term
- a bit "What do you do all day ?" which isn't exactly understanding, encouraging, or helpful hmm

If I can summon up the energy I might think about going swimming today.
Perhaps that would be refreshing/ good for me.

Waiting to hear about possible job after interview on Tuesday.
Have also heard of another interesting one.

Have just had a little parcel from my Mum - just DS's coat left behind after our visit at half-term, but a friendly and encouraging card too which has lifted my spirits a little. smile

How's everyone else doing today ?

Fitzroy Thu 23-Feb-12 11:46:05

Hi Juggling, I am still suffering with the churning stomach, wish it would stop. I am exhausted.....I too want to get back to my job, and feel normal again....

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Thu 23-Feb-12 11:53:32

Oh, I'm sorry you're still not feeling good Fitzroy

- my stomach can be a bit tricky too - I think it's caused by underlying stress and worry.

Am going to try to get out today soon - after I've had this bite of lunch and cuppa - possibly for that swim. Will have to be quick though as it will be pick-up time before I know it !

Fitzroy Thu 23-Feb-12 19:23:49

Was at the drs, and she gave me some new tabs for anxiety to take in the mornings, I think I am going mad, never mind anything else..... I wish I could just be better, never had this before, and hope to never ever have it again......

ThePinkPussycat Thu 23-Feb-12 19:30:43

Fitz I think your mind may be searching for solutions to your money woes, and kind of feels it has to keep going till it gets a new and better answer. You are doing very well at dealing with these woes, there isn't anything else you can do atm (that may change as the future unfolds), it will be ok (and it is now, in a funny sort of way).

Am playing The Doors, LA Woman. Jim Morrison is singing 'Well I've been down so goddamn long, that it looks like up for me.' I kid you not brew

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 24-Feb-12 13:28:02

Song sounds good PPC

I'm a bit blue today, especially as DH not very sympathetic about job situation.
- Didn't get the Tuesday (interview) job.

DH saying really helpful things like maybe I'll never get another job,

Thanks for that DH ! ... You've got to laugh or you'd cry hmm

(that's a wry raise of the eyebrow in case you were wondering)

ThePinkPussycat Fri 24-Feb-12 13:59:00

Ha! Mine was like that. If I said he was being a wet blanket he would maintain he was doing 'downside planning'.

You are getting interviews though, that is promising, and gives you interview experience. If you are feeling very brave, you could ring them and ask for feedback. (Much to my own amazement I have actually managed to do this once or twice. Painful and helpful confused.)

Fitzroy Fri 24-Feb-12 14:18:23

New tablet let me doze for a bit this morning, then took myself out to shops, felt very wooly headed, but kept going. The sun was out, and I think I did see some light at the end of the tunnel.....
Yes PPC, the money situation has been ongoing for such a long time, it has taken its toal on me, plus the HRT and being in a horrible situation with bullying bosses for six years.......doesn't help.... Got a lovely email from a friend, and hopefully it is onwards and upwards.

thanks agin ladies. Where is Ikea gone? I hope she is just reading and doesn't feel read to post again......xxx

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 24-Feb-12 14:28:45

Thanks for the sympathy PPC.

I'm really worried about me and DH this week - but maybe I should take my sisters advice and ignore his comments ?

I did ask for feedback after a previous interview and it was quite helpful. But don't feel up to it this time. Think the answer is, if anything, I should just try to be even more enthusiastic about the job in specific ways - ie. I'd had a chance to look around so could have mentioned more of what I'd seen when they asked why I was applying for the job. Also I'm thinking it depends so much who you're up against.

I think last time they offered to give feedback if you called them in the letter, whereas this time they haven't done that.

OrmIrian Fri 24-Feb-12 14:39:04

Go to the GP. Please, just go. Nothing to be ashamed of. I have just had to go back on ADs because I was where you are. It's easing a little and I can begin to see things more calmly.

The strange thing was when I was on them before I began to find out just how many people I knew who were also taking them, or had done in the past. I just wonder if it's something about the way we live our lives today, or just part of the human condition. But you are certainly not a freak, or a failure or any of the other names you will be caling yourself right now.

One thing - talk to your boys. Tell them you aren't well but you are going to get better. Don't let them be frightened, or think it's their fault in some way. It's very important IME. Last time I had a relapse (about 3 years ago) my eldest son was convinced I hated him because I was so angry all the time. Since then I've been as open as I can be with them.

OrmIrian Fri 24-Feb-12 14:49:10

Uhoh! I see things have moved on. Sorry - advice was untimely and out of place. Hope things improve for you soon OP.

Ikeatears Fri 24-Feb-12 20:24:29

Hi all, still here and reading. I will post soon just can't seem to make myself at the moment. OrmIrian, thank you for your post, I have taken on board your point re your eldest son.

ThePinkPussycat Fri 24-Feb-12 21:59:36

We'll keep your thread warm iyswim wink

Fitzroy Sat 25-Feb-12 12:53:51

I will have to stop reading all these internet sites, some of the comments people make about anti depressants frighten the life out of me, and make me feel worse.... My gp asked did I want to see a psyhraist (can't spell that). and I said no.... what do you lot think, maybe I should have....

Fitzroy Sat 25-Feb-12 15:21:05

everyone ok today, at least we are still posting, although I am posting mostly just my thoughts, I hope this is ok....

ThePinkPussycat Sat 25-Feb-12 19:37:19

Very tired, stayed up much of the night working on my own stuff hooray, not the divorce stuff, then went to a museum with a friend's DS(12), then caught up with another friend who is divorcing, hers has no fight associated with it though!

fitz I know what you mean about the internet sites, it just shows you can't tell how they will affect you unless you try them, and with any med you should keep an eye out for side effects. But without my obsessional late night googling sessions I wouldn't have found Mumsnet smile

Fitzroy Sun 26-Feb-12 13:06:36

Another week looming, so down

Fitzroy Sun 26-Feb-12 21:25:55

why am I in such a panic, I fear wakening up to another horrible day.....

ThePinkPussycat Sun 26-Feb-12 21:54:17

Are you running this pattern: fear of going to work? You have a sick-note (or have I got it wrong?) but your brain has got so used to this patten it thinks that on a Sunday it somehow has to dread Monday? Even though you are off work atm?

Mad wild hypothesis? A grain of truth or completely wide of the mark?

Conitnued with my 'work' today, kept self to myself smile

Fitzroy Mon 27-Feb-12 10:00:16

thanks PPC, but no I was never like this on a Sunday night, as I didn't realise what was happening to me. Have to go for more blood tests this morning, and was awake a 4, took one of them new tablets sorequel or something like that, and I am completely zonked out...... don't know whether to continue with them or not, as I couldn't go to work like this.....

mumofboys40 Wed 29-Feb-12 10:38:53

hi im new here but at the mo ive been signed off work for 2 weeks with depression. i cant tell my partner and lost it with him last night when he kept asking why im mardy i said are you that thick?? can you not tell there is something wrong with me? gp has prescribed me lustrol antidepressants only been on them 4 days. but just tho i would say hello to everyone and hoping i can get some support from you guys. thanks x

OrmIrian Wed 29-Feb-12 11:07:15

Hi mumofboys - sorry you're going through this too. Why can't you tell your partner? It might be a good idea so that he can understand a bit better.

Fitzroy Wed 29-Feb-12 12:29:35

Hi, mumofboys40, so sorry to hear you are going through this as well. I have had this from December, but mine was brought on by bullying, HRT treatment, and old anxiety problems, but I am determined to get out of it. My counsellor says I am on my way back, but I can't see it, and my gp is referring me to see a psychairist, who maybe able to get me back with better medication.... I think we all think we are going mad, but I can assure you are not.... except I just got my gas bill, and I am having a quiet panic attack. Chin up, and keep posting, it does help. Some days I can't face even posting, but you are definitely not alone...

ThePinkPussycat Wed 29-Feb-12 21:21:11

One of my BF's and i used to agree that at times of extreme stress we wished we would go mad, then at least we wouldn't have to keep on gritting our teeth and trying to cope.

I have in fact three times been hospitalised with stress-induced mania. The relief at being looked after by other people was indescribable.

OrmIrian Thu 01-Mar-12 10:05:56

"The relief at being looked after by other people was indescribable"

That is exactly what I feel I want at my worst moments. Just to have someone take it all away and make it alright. But no-one ever does because I am grown-up and am usually firmly in control. I can totally understand how people make attempts at suicide 'as a plea for help' because if you don't do something dramatic no bugger listens!

Fitzroy Thu 01-Mar-12 11:23:34

I am too afraid even to contemplate madness, I need to get on the road to wellness.....
what if you were successful.....

Ikeatears Thu 01-Mar-12 20:33:32

Hi all, sorry I haven't been posting much but I'm glad this thread has turned into a support for others aswell as me. It really does help when you feel like people understand and are willing to listen. I have had three counselling sessions now and I feel like they are, not necessarily makin me feel better but helping me to look at things in a new light. They have been interesting and it is quite refreshing to feel like I can talk about myself for an hour without worrying about asking about the other person. Quite self-indulgent but why not? I am having less bad days but occasionally the wave washes over me. I feel like I am gaining control again but I know I am not 'cured' I need to keep exploring what makes me 'me' and I take that hour each week just for me. I will get there, I know I will. I am worth it and, you know what? I DO DESERVE THEM!!! I love my little family and they love me and we will get through this time together. The future is ours and I don't intend to waste it.
None of you should underestimate the impact you have had on my life over these weeks. I have given you access to my deepest, darkest secrets and fears and you have, without exception, supported me, advised me, listened to me and taken the time and effort out of your own lives to do all this for a perfect stranger. I will never, ever forget this. One day, I hope I will do the same for someone else. For now, I will keep posting with my ups and downs, I will keep reading all your posts. I'm sorry if I don't feel I can offer advice at the moment but please keep this thread going for me and for each other. Mumofboys40, I know the despair you feel, stay here with us and you will see how total strangers can give you so much support. Take care everyone and I'll be back soon x

Moltisanti Thu 01-Mar-12 21:09:57

Can I join? I feel overwhelmed. I have family problems that cause me constant stress with my mum and sister, I don't have any friends, I have a giant fat stomach, I don't deserve my husband and son. My son was so grizzly this evening and I couldn't take it and I was swearing. I am an awful mum.
I am so ugly. Every time I see my reflection I feel disgusted. I just feel so bloody sad.

ThePinkPussycat Thu 01-Mar-12 22:21:59

Time for a group hug, methinks [hug-group-hug]

Ikea that sounds good, and like you are getting somewhere.
I think I am out the other side, I still remember all too clearly what it's like though...

Ikeatears Thu 01-Mar-12 23:17:29

Moltisanti - come in have a brew or a wine if you prefer. Hmmm, I have issues with personal space Pink (saw on another thread that people had nicknamed you this and liked it better than TPPC) so not sure on the group hug haha wink
Right, positive thinking from me - I'm going to write down the good things about me (this is actually harder than the deepest, darkest secrets thing!) I will try to say at least one good thing that I believe to be true about my self everyday - why not join me? Ok, here goes,
1. I am good at giving thoughtful gifts (that don't have to cost the Earth but mean a lot to the person)

ThePinkPussycat Thu 01-Mar-12 23:20:00

Ikea, tis only a virtual group hug. Still counts though.

I am loyal smile

Ikeatears Thu 01-Mar-12 23:47:51

ok, maybe I can handle virtual...
((hug))

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 02-Mar-12 10:50:45

< joins in ((hugs)) sends thanks to all, puts kettle on ... brew >

OK, writing down some of the good things about me ...

1) I'm good at writing

OrmIrian Fri 02-Mar-12 11:45:34

Hello. Can I make do with a stupid grin and a pat on the shoulder please? Not much enjoying being touched right now apart from by the children.

OrmIrian Fri 02-Mar-12 11:46:42

Sorry, hi molti. Sorry you feel so bad.

ThePinkPussycat Fri 02-Mar-12 11:59:30

grin <pat> brew

Fitzroy Fri 02-Mar-12 13:06:22

Hi all, you are right this forum does help, we all have ups and downs, I don't want anything else at the moment except to get better, and get back to living a life. I have been asked to go on a residential weekend course next week, it deals with trauma, anxiety, depression, and I took the offer, I wasn't going to, but then I thought I have to, as my world seems to be closing in on me.... Saw the psychiarist, and he has changed the ads, so I have fingers crossed, that some anxiety will clear from my head, and I can begin my plan to go forward...... love to everyone, so glad counselling is helping Ikeatears.....

ThePinkPussycat Fri 02-Mar-12 13:13:48

That sounds good Fitz, is it being held somewhere nice?

Ikeatears Fri 02-Mar-12 17:31:27

2. I have a good singing voice.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 02-Mar-12 17:36:15

Ooh, I wish I could sing more tunefully Ikea

Here's my second ...
(resists urge to qualify, justify, or apologise grin)

2) I'm good with small children

Fitzroy Fri 02-Mar-12 19:17:51

Believe it or not it is in a monastry place where conferences are held....down in Co Tyrone, it is an enormous big house, with beautiful grounds around it.... going on new ad, which is a bit of a nuisance, because I have to cut down on these ones, before I can start the new ones....

Fitzroy Fri 02-Mar-12 19:18:14

By the way I am a good driver

Fitzroy Fri 02-Mar-12 19:18:35

and a good listener

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 02-Mar-12 19:26:24

Ah, see I'd have to qualify being a good listener for myself Fitzroy - I am when I can concentrate enough - but I tend to miss some of the details. Quite good with the empathy aspect. I'm better at seeing the wood (as a whole) than the (individual) trees IYSWIM

Wondering if I'd be a good enough listener to think about training as a Samaritan
- or would it be essential to remember everything the speaker said ?
Surely you can only do your best - as in we're all human ?
I guess the training would cover such aspects of the work !

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 02-Mar-12 19:27:43

BTW - The monastery sounds lovely and peaceful smile

Ikeatears Fri 02-Mar-12 19:35:33

I think you should enquire juggling, nothing lost and all that...
Yes, it's hard isn't it, to not qualify,justify or apologise but why should you have to? Fitz, the course sounds good, I think I'd like something like that but nothing like that is offered around here.
I had a good day at work today, we did a 360 spelling competition, I put the learners in teams and gave them spellings and they competed, then they had to set spellings for the other teams and try to beat them then finally each team got to set me spellings and got points if I got it wrong. I wasn't allowed to write them down. I got 4 out of 15 wrong (in my defence there were some obscure ones!) but it was great to see their faces when they beat me, it was a lesson in the fact that no-one is the font of all knowledge and showed them that it is ok not to know everything. I know I said one a day but:
3. I have a great rapport with my students!

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Fri 02-Mar-12 19:40:26

Thanks Ikea, I might look into it ...

ThePinkPussycat Fri 02-Mar-12 22:07:18

envy at your retreat course, Fitz

I already guessed that about the rapport, Ikea wink

2. I am good at writing precisely.

Fitzroy Sat 03-Mar-12 13:34:10

I thought about becoming a counsellor, until this happened to me, and I pannicked.....

ThePinkPussycat Sat 03-Mar-12 13:43:28

2a. I am good at precision writing. wink (I think that's an improvement)

Fitz having been through this would make you a better counsellor. It also means that you would need to have come to terms with it before becoming one, otherwise you risk unconsciously bringing your own stuff to the counselling sessions. No reason not to have that goal though, and counsellors must have supervision sessions to guard against that very risk, and in case they accidentally get caught up in their clients' problems.

3. I am good at Excel spreadsheets grin

Ikeatears Sat 03-Mar-12 16:52:21

4. I am good with children

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Sun 04-Mar-12 11:19:39

3) I'm good at counting grin - I have a good sense of humour compared to some NO, NO !! I crossed that out !

ThePinkPussycat Sun 04-Mar-12 15:28:09

3. I can charm cats.

ThePinkPussycat Sun 04-Mar-12 15:30:05

Juggling it seems I can't count. Even with my previous post staring me in the face. Must be too much reliance on Excel wink

Fitzroy Sun 04-Mar-12 16:26:54

Ikea, how are you doing on those ad? the dr has changed mine, to another one, but added another drug, which is making me sleepy all day, and feeling out of it......

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Sun 04-Mar-12 20:16:07

I didn't notice anything wrong with your counting Pink - or anyone else's - I was just joking that I could count to three !

I only put in the compared to some because it's so tempting to add something to an affirmation - instead of just coming out proudly with a good, strong boast grin

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Sun 04-Mar-12 20:17:28

P.S Wish I was good at something useful and modern like Excel spreadsheets smile

ThePinkPussycat Sun 04-Mar-12 20:20:10

<innocent face> But you can juggle with tangential oranges. That sounds very post-modern.

JugglingWithTangentialOranges Sun 04-Mar-12 20:45:57

grin Post-modern is interesting actually isn't it ?

Fitzroy Mon 05-Mar-12 16:05:22

does anyone know anything about seroquel....... for anxiety......

ThePinkPussycat Mon 05-Mar-12 17:21:48

Hi fitz I don't, you could try advanced search on Mental Health or start a thread. Am going to a mh service user and carer network meeting on Weds - I can ask there smile

Got to be worth a try, hasn't it? (taking it, I mean)