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Mental health

sorry everyone

60 replies

willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 15:54

don't think I can post much/offer much support right now.

I'm empty

nothing to offer

difficult at home

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mrsruffallo · 13/06/2010 15:55

A day at a time, willsurvive this
Are you okay?

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posieparker · 13/06/2010 15:56

Have you got anyone in RL around you who can talk to you?

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GetDownYouWillFall · 13/06/2010 16:01

what's happened willsurvive?

Hugs to you x

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mrsruffallo · 13/06/2010 16:10

Will survive- if you don't want to post to much we'll just chat away
Let me know

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FabIsGettingFit · 13/06/2010 16:11

You are always trying to support others. Let us support you.

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willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 16:17

Can't do it on my own anymore

Counselling and fallout taking every last ounce

Now dh struggling again and needing support and not giving any and feel all my strength is gone

Can't stop crying - hiding behind screen so ds doesn't notice as he gets so worried (he's 2)

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mrsruffallo · 13/06/2010 16:21

I had a good cry today
I just let it all go..I mean sobbed
Then suddenly everything lifted

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lelarose · 13/06/2010 16:34

Don't know why you feel the need to apologise, your first responsiblity is to your own mental health and I dont think anyone on this would feel that you have any kind of obligation to them.

You were one of the people who helped me get through one of the worst nights of my life last night. Even if you never felt able help another person again you should realise the value of the things you have already done.

I see you on these threads all the time reaching out to other people despite your own problems, so please give yourself a break, you seem like an especially caring person.

Just be good to yourself and thanks for everything. If I can ever help you out when I am more stable myself I will do all I can xx

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BeckyBendyLegs · 13/06/2010 17:29

WillSurvive you have given so, so much to all of us here. I wish I could help you in return xxx take care of yourself today and remember things do get better even day by day, there are good days and bad days. Tomorrow you might feel a bit better and crying is wonderful therapy.

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willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 18:33

thanks

get flashbacks involving being totally alone and abandoned. Gets triggered by feeling lonely in rl like now when things difficult with dh. Hard to keep perspective.

So tired.

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thatsnotmymonkey · 13/06/2010 18:38

I am so sorry to hear this willsurvive.

Take a step away from the PC, go and do something you like. A walk round the block, a bath, read a trashy magazine.

You are not alone.

I think the support you gave Lelarose on that other thread was amazing. You are clearly a wonderful person.

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willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 18:43

want to be able to help others or else all this cr*p is for nothing - all this pain so fecking pointless.

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lelarose · 13/06/2010 19:42

It may surprise you to learn that someone as mentally unstable as me actually has a job where I am supposed to help other people with their problems. And when I am well I am actually very good at it.

Since I have been ill this time I have had to let people I am being paid to help down at times and I worried about that as it is my job after all and it made me feel even more useless. The sister that I am relying on basically to keep me alive right now has huge problems of her own which I am unable to support her with and she means the absolute world to me. But you know what, and I know you would say this to me, sometimes its just about survival. I need to take care of me, get my strength back up and then I can go back to being there for others. You are a deeply caring person, always will be and you will be back to help sort the rest of us out if and when you are ready.

Dont give up, if I can keep going I know you can too xxxxxx

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GetDownYouWillFall · 13/06/2010 20:16

I know how you feel willsurvive - you want to help others with their problems but sometimes you get overwhelmed by your own.

However, the fact you have your own means you can empathise on a so much deeper level. We are all here to support each other, that means we are here for you, as well as you for us.

Hope you are ok, thinking of you

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kizzie · 13/06/2010 20:54

Will survive - you have helped many many people here and I'm sure you will help many more here and in RL. But it doesn't have to be this minute. Now is about you and supporting yourself. I have no doubt that at some time you will use the terrible things that happened to you to make real changes in other peoples lives. That side of your personality just shines through here. But don't put yourself through any of that pressure now. Take care and hope things start to get easier really soon xxx

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willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 20:54

I don't know - just don't know

Trying to look for meaning

For the point of being raped when your 8 and the way it shapes you

At least helping others there is somehow a point. My job (normally) also involves helping others.

Being Christian I get a lot of well meaning talk about meaning and purpose and God has a plan - a lot of it just makes me angry and the rest glides off me.

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kizzie · 13/06/2010 20:55

Will survive - you have helped many many people here and I'm sure you will help many more here and in RL. But it doesn't have to be this minute. Now is about you and supporting yourself. I have no doubt that at some time you will use the terrible things that happened to you to make real changes in other peoples lives. That side of your personality just shines through here. But don't put yourself through any of that pressure now. Take care and hope things start to get easier really soon xxx

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kizzie · 13/06/2010 21:09

Sorry don't know why that posted twice. I can imagine that having a strong faith could make things even more difficult at the moment. Could you maybe break things down into two stages in your mind. Stage one - everything you are doing now with therapy etc. Stage 2 trying to reconcile it all with your faith. Just looking from the outside it seems like trying to do both of those at the same time would just be too overwhelming x

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Nemofish · 13/06/2010 21:17

I don't think there is much point in asking 'why did this happen to me?'

I don't think I ever came up with an answer that made me feel better.

You were a victim, and that is not a good place to be. You had no control. No say. No voice. You can't control what happened then.

But you can control what you do now, today.
At the moment you are still suffering the fallout of all those experiences, it's a shattering experience, it shakes you down to the very core of your being. So doing anything other than just somehow making it through the day is unthinkable right now, but it will pass.

This is how it happened for me.

Eventually, I realised that all the dirtyness and guilt and shame that I was carrying round with me, weren't mine. Not my fault. It sounds so simple, but deep down I was still defending my abusers and blaming myself. Same for you.

I realised that there was nothing wrong with me. Not a thing. I was not broken or spoilt. I was not 'mentally subnormal.' All those labels that I was brought up with, utter bollock, every single name I was called. Same for you.

Then I felt like I didn't want to be a victim anymore. I wanted to find out who the fuck I was and what I was doing here, and what I wanted out of life. I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and now I can look at starting to live again - well I say again, I suppose I mean for the first time. Tis scary and very exciting. I also realized that I am great. No really, I am fucking awesome to have been through the things I have and survived, clawed my way out of the black hole. Same for you.

Right now you are at the stage of having this huge weight pressing down on you, as well as maybe bio chemical depression?

You have helped others, now I am (trying!) to say something that will help you carry on until you can lift that weight off.

If I were there with you I would give you a huge hug - sorry I know that sounded stalkerish but you know what I mean!

Sorry for epic post too

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willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 21:26

Nemo that epic post is actually very helpful thank you - I am somewhere on that journey that you describe and it is the return of my feelings of the time that makes me feel like hell but also gives access to how small I was and how overwhelmed and confused, recently re experienced the force he used when first raping me - it is really too hard but helps to see I had no choice. So half of the time i can believe that now, what other people have been telling me for over a year.

Still don't think I'm clinically depressed - just the pain gets overwhelming at times or the flashbacks make me feel isolated and then I lose it

Like now.

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Nemofish · 13/06/2010 21:51

Phew I'm glad all my rapid typing wasn't for nothing!

This too shall pass. Not helpful neccessarily but it is true.

All still here for you, when you need us.

Like now.

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willsurvivethis · 13/06/2010 22:00

Until April last year I thought I was ok - had quite a tough life but was ok, loving dh, fab ds some problems but he's my sun beam - his smile....

Then the PTSD came, the birth trauma, then the memories.

Thought I was just confused - but more and more detail came. And now suddenly I am an abuse survivor. Suddenly one of the pilars of my existence - the happy childhood I thought I'd had until I was 12 is completely shattered.

Few people seem to understand that there is hardly anything left to hold on to. Surely there must be happy memories too? Yes but are they real? They are tainted. Summer holidays are suddenly times when my teacher couldn't abuse me, no longer innocent weeks of fun camping in the mountains.

My loving caring parents are suddenly the mother I never properly bonded with (have been diagnosed with insecure attachment, probably due to her struggling badly and being very unstable after death of dsis when I was 2) and my dad the man who did not notice the abuse and did not stop it.

Where are my foundations?

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Nemofish · 13/06/2010 22:12

This process will shake you to your core, but you get to decide / find out what that core is.

For instance, almost all of my positive personality traits I developed because I didn't want to be my mother.
So:

Her - racist - me - anti-racist, did a decent amount of placard waving and protesting, probably more aware of black history than most white dudes.

Her - cold - me - Warm, friendly, I care about people and things and stuff.

Her - places huge value on money and status - me - take people as I find them and I couldn't give a toss what class anyone is. I don't fawn over authority figures.

So, did you take on a caring role in your family? Did you become a 'helper' in your job?

You, on a very deep level, had a choice. You could have become the 'you' that you are today, or you could have let your experiences warp and twist you. Like my mother did. This choice can be concious or unconcious I think.

So if I ask you which choice you made, did you seek to hurt others as you had been hurt, did you seek to gain power over others for your own amusement, or did you become a helper, a kind person, someone who sees another person stumble and reaches out their hand to help... well there's your foundation.

You have a good heart, a human warmth, that comes through very well on here.

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willsurvivethis · 14/06/2010 15:29

so numb today - and restless and tired. Just need one good night.

still feeling so very alone

I'm doing things, did some shopping, played/sang through music for tonights band practice, typed some stuff, pegged out washing, made some phonecalls. But feel like I'm on a different planet and everything is pointless.

Wish ds was home already - his warm huggy body and sunbeam smile can lift me.

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willsurvivethis · 16/06/2010 16:31

Think I'm going to need some handholding. Counselling tomorrow and I know what I need to talk about. And it is so sad and painful and I know more will come out when I start talking about it. I'm scared. Enough hurt recently.

Typically dh has his counselling at the same time so won't be any use before or after.

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