festering resentment

[OTTMummA]

I don't know quite where to start, i have so many feelings and thoughts about my childhood, but i have to start somewhere.

My mother, im pretty sure has suffered with depression for a long time, and has since been diagnosed with bi polar and is now after 4 yrs on the right meds and since 2004 been like a new person.

She has changed for the better don't get me wrong, she's had a lot of therapy etc and seems to be content and happier less stressed etc.
And im happy that she is better, but for a while - actually since my son was born, i have found myself growing angry about my childhood, and how its still affecting me now in a very negative way.
When i first saw her after her breakdown i actualy cried ( after i left her ) because she had suddenly turned into a nice person, someone who i wish could of been my mum when i was younger.
It was like i had sent a letter to santa asking for a nice mummy and it had just got to him 10 yrs too late and i got my wish.

It feels so unfair that she is now okidokie, happy and content and im left feeling and looking like a complete wreck.

Im 10st overweight, I have anxiety and depression, suffered halucinations in the past, have frequent nightmares and OCD behaviour.

The other week i was shopping in tescos with DS in buggy and suddenly couldn't remember what i was supposed to buy, i spent about 20 mins trying to decided whether to buy garden peas or mixed veg!?! wtf?!!
I actually couldn't choose and i didn't burst out crying, the tears just started to flow, and then i couldn't decided whether i should go home, i felt stuck and lost.

ended up ditching my basket in the frozen isle and sitting at the end of the checkouts crying.

I have no idea why i did this, i was very happy in the morning and it was a lovely day, i just feel like the more/longer i avoid dealing with these intense feelings the more my mind/body is shutting itself down.

I am certainly starting to lose function and control of my emotions.

Anyway, what im trying to say is, i want my mum to tell me that she's sorry, that she aknowledges how awful it was living with her and that it wasn't my fault for being a difficult teenager ( she actualy phoned SS to collect me on my 8th birthday ) for reasons unknown.

But i can't ask her for this, im still scared of my mum TBH in some way, and we actually get on now ( even dispite my resentment ) Im just not sure how i can move on myself without her help.

Tell me im not the only one who feels like this?

[goneanonymous]

I really feel for you, Since having my first son I've grown to resent my mum more and more. I would think she is closest in personality to someone with a narcassistic personality disorder. She hasn't changed at all, but now I have my boys I can appreciate how a lot of my parents decisions had left me and unhappy adult. I can hardly bear to talk to them sometimes but from the outside everyone thinks they are the most wonderful people. It did trigger a bad bout of PND in me after I had my first two sons. Even more so on the parenting course I went on to help me get over it.

I have cried round supermarkets, curled up in a corner of my living room with my hands over my ears, and completely lost the ability to make the smallest decisions. You sound like you are depressed at the moment, I would really recommend going to see a health professional as soon as you can. My GP at the time was wonderful and I got lots of support from my health visitor and a Sure Start group.

I look at my family unit now and say to myself THIS is my family, our family tree starts with us and we can go forward together. I am proud that my children know that above all I love and support them and will always be there for them, and that is the best I can do. Be there for your child and realise you can make life better for them with the knowledge you have. Lots of us have been where you are and the only way now is up. Good luck.

[OTTMummA]

Hi, yes the only thing im really grateful for here is that i know how not to be an awful parent.
My mum has basically said im a good mother, and that im very attentive, i tried to make it into a sort of apology in my head from her, but it isn't enough.
I had psychotic depression after my son, i think probably because i had repressed some truely horrific memories, the amount of love and care i had for my DS made those fears / memories bubble up and my mind couldn't cope with what could happen to him and i delayed getting help because my mum lost full time care of her younger children when she had a breakdown, and i was petrified.

Ive ignored my need to get things out for so long because of how it would affect other people espcially my mum.

Since i had my son ( my mum preferes boys ) she was buying things for him and loved him sooo much i was really happy, but a little niggle in my head was saying, why was she never this happy with me? why can't i ever remember her cuddling me, kissing me? playing with me? its selfish of me to think this of course, but its what i felt and still feel.
I would never take my DS - Her only GS ( she is a great person now and the best nanny ) away from her, but sometimes i feel like she doesn't really even like or love me, she just loves my DS and that she wouldn't care if i died or got put in hospital because she would then get DS.
that last thought is probably my parinoiar ( sp)
She also seems to think my mental health problems are all from my bio father ( shitzophrenic ) and has nothing to do with the 13yrs she parented me before i put myself into care.
( which only happened after running away to London with no shoes on ) and my stepdad telling me he was going to break all the bones in my body.
Looking back there were so many signs of my behaviour that would warrent a parent to be concerned, but instead i was just difficult and a PITA.
I don't understand this, as my mum is certainly not stupid, not in the very least, infact i feel belittled next to her intellegence.
But how can she not see she is partly to blame?

[goneanonymous]

I don't have a clue how to make your mother take a share of responsibilty for her actions and the subsequent effect on your life. Most people seem to be able to make their own picture of how life has been and REALLY believe the version in their own head. I don't think I could persuade my own parents that they were anything less than perfect than I could persuade them the sky was pink. I would't even dare admit I'd had mental health issues though, as they are scathing about how weak people who have them are. One thing though, don't EVER let someone make you feel less intelligent than them. There are many forms of intelligence and her emotional quota is obviously less than most peoples.

[Littlefish]

OTTMummA - I just wanted to respond to this sentence of yours:

"Anyway, what im trying to say is, i want my mum to tell me that she's sorry, that she aknowledges how awful it was living with her and that it wasn't my fault for being a difficult teenager"

I had a very difficult childhood and have spent the majority of my adult life trying to get my mum to apologise or make amends for her behaviour. The thing is that she was ill (depression and eating disorders); she didn't set out to make my life miserable or difficult. She was ill. Now that she is well, she would be horrified if she realised how awful it was for me at times. I don't want to put her through that.

In the last couple of years, I have finally (after lots of counselling), stopped expecting her to put things right. I have stopped expecting her to apologise. Finally, we have started having a meaningful relationship.

[OTTMummA]

LittleFish - im glad you now have a great relationship with your mum, i would love to truely feel we had an honest and loving relationship.
Again i believe my mum was ill ( undiagnosed ) for years before her breakdown, but the fact she hasn't aknowledged this is making me angry, i think to make a full recovery her and me, she needs to understand she wasn't well long before her hospitilization.
But,,, We do have a better relationship now, considering we didn't speak for a yr 13-14yrs old, i am grateful for how she is now, but i can't seem to forget the abusive, angry, unfair person she used to be when i was a child.
I wouldn't want to tell her to make her feel bad, i would like for her to tell me she knows she was wrong by herself yet she knows my mental health problems and has yet to step forward and tell me an explination for my excuse of a childhood.
Ive fobbed of my own feelings for a long, long time, and haven't had any therapy because i believed it was best, that i wasn't doing any good bringing it all up, but the last few months ive been looking at myself and i have to try to understand why im like i am, and im actually suprised im not a junkie or dead by now TBH.
So i am sorry but i need to think of myself for a while and not how it will affect my mum when i start asking questions.

I don't expect her to put things right at all, she can never do that, she can't make up for it, but she can try and make me feel wanted and loved for me, who i am, nothing else.

[willsurvivethis]

I think few things are as hard as coming to terms with the fact that your mum failed you and wasn't htere for you. I had therapy for PTSD/child abuse issues and things came up that went even further back to when I was a toddler.

I discovered that my mum wasn't able to meet my needs when my sis died when I was two. I ended up with an insecure attachment that still bugs me today and it is very likely that in turn left me susceptible to the abuse that followed (outside the family). None of this was mum's fault. She must have been depressed, possibly worse ( can't ask her - she's been dead 12 years - I need her back to ask!!)

I found the fact that my childhood was not the safe place I always imagined hard (I repressed the abuse for years) but not as hard as knowing that I did not even have the stable base that every child needs to grow up safely. And it wasn't even my mum's fault. She must have been so distressed.
I think it takes time to come to the point where you can acknowledge your mum was ill and not herself without diminishing the pain you suffered as a result. I'm still working on it.