I really need some support please

[kizzie]

Hi i posted a couple of weeks ago to say that my anxiety/depression had returned in very serious way.

I am really really strggling at the moment and would really appreciate some support.

I orginally had PND 10 years ago and have been on various doses of AD's since. Mainly very low doses.

For last 3 years have been very well on low dose clomipramine (a tricyclic). i have a successful career and was working full time, looking after family well etc.

In Jan I dopped from 15mg to 10mg (normal dose is about 100mg) and started having panic attacks again. went straight back up to 20mg but it didnt stop the fall and now constant panic and severe depression.

I am now off work and seeing dr. I am slowly building up to 50mg again - and may need to go up to 75 again as have in past.

Have gone from being totally independent to vitually non functioning. Parents are having to stay to 'babysit' me when DH not here. Having terrible obsessive thoughts.

Cant believe that just a few weeks ago was 100% fine.

Im terrified now that i wont get well again.

Last time i was off work for two months but it took me about 5 months to get back to anything like myself.

I dont know what im asking really but would just appreciate some support x

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Oh kizzie! I am so sorry. How asolutely awful.

I totally relate to what you say. When I got really ill I couldn't be left alone as I would freak out and start pacing behaviours etc. I felt like such a burden and totally bemused at what I had become.

I remember one night I think my DH had just had enough and he asked if he could just go out for an hour to see a friend (which was fair enough given what I'd put him through).

In that short time I got in such a state and called a friend - not even a close friend, more of an acquaintance really - and she was so worried she got straight in her car and came over to my house .

DH was totally shocked that I couldn't even cope for an hour.

Just wanted to say that I am here if you want to chat. Remember that mental illness is real illness and you are not your normal self when you are going through it. Your behaviour is very different and your confidence is at rock bottom. It's very disempowering to have your parents round all the time too.

The good news is, that you've come through this before and you will do again. You probably feel dreadful right now but it will get better.

May I ask? Why did you feel you wanted to drop down to the 10mg? I am in the process of cutting my medication down and so far so good, but I'm doing it very slowly and the psychiatrist seems to be watching me to see if I will go downhill.

Keep posting xxx

[kizzie]

Thank you so much for replying.
I cut down because I get quite a lot of side effects even from 20mgs (constip etc) and the drs have always said that its such a low dose probably not doing anything (wlthough it obviously was).

I had already gone down to 15mg for 6 months and had been fine.

PLease dont let this put you off reducing - many people manage to do that just fine.

my worry now is that because this is my second time going back on clomipramine (I used to take SSRI's) that I have risked it not working again.

Thanks again for replying it does help to know other people out there understand x

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Hi Kizzie how are you doing? x

[kizzie]

thank you for asking. Very difficult day. Severe depression and anxiety. Difficult to get through day. This stage lasted about 4 -6 weeks last time. difficult to face it again really.

[willsurvivethis]

Don't give up - there will be better days. Honest there will.

[kizzie]

thank you - i really need to hear that at the moment

[willsurvivethis]

Glad I said it then - speaking from experience. I coped with some horribly difficult stuff this weekend that would have crushed me not so long ago...

[GetDownYouWillFall]

Feeling like you will never get through it, is a distorted thought, and is part of the illness. Everything gets so out of proportion when you are going through anxiety and depression. The whole world feels like it is coming crashing down.
Although it doesn't feel like it right now, you will get better. Really, you will.

What dose of your AD are you on at the moment kizzie?

[kizzie]

I dont know if anyone is around but could really do with some advice/help.

Ive been back up on 75mg of clomipramine for 5 days now (back on a 'therapeutic' dose for a couple of weeks but things have got worse.

The depression/anxiety are as bad as they have ever been and every day is unbearably difficult to get through.
I do remember from the past that I have felt worse before i get better but just terrified that medication not going to work this time.

I know theres not much anyone can say.
Also feel very very physically shaky on the AD's - hoping this will wear off a bit.

[kizzie]

.

[thingamajig]

Hi kizzie, it can take up to a few weeks for the full effect of the ADs to kick in, but they will get there soon. Side effects like shakiness often wear off after a little while too. Do you remember getting them before?
You are doing well to get through it, all you can do is hang on till it goes away, and it will. It always has for me and I have been there quite a few times. I hope talking on Mumsnet helps you.

[kizzie]

Thanks for replying thingamajig - its so hard isnt it :-(

[WilloughbyWallaby]

Yes, it is really hard.

I don't have any magic pearls of wisdom but didn't want you to feel as though no one is out there for you.

You sounds as though you're giving yourself a very hard time about the doses you're taking, as if you feel you're 'failing' by taking more. Please don't, because you're not. It was great that you were on such a low dose, but things change and sometimes you might need a little bit extra support. Just like some days I need to talk a bit more about how I'm feeling, and some days I don't.

Please remember that you will get through this; thinking back to my previous episodes and how I got through them always makes me feel a bit stronger x