Finding everything very hard work

[fufulina]

Hi - not sure why I'm posting really, other than to get some perspective and moral support, I think.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant with ID twins and at the 12 week scan (when we found out it was twins) - one was significantly smaller than the other and all the complications that implies.

My DD is 14 months old, and if this pregnancy continues (and the complications aren't insurmountable) and I do have twins, I'll have 3 under 18 months.

I'm exhausted - DD has just got over a virus which I've now come down with and I was already feeling below par anyway what with being pg. I went back to work before Christmas, but back to a different team and office and although I know how lucky I am to have a job I'm finding 4 days a week, and doing 11 hour days absolutely exhausting - physically and mentally.

I feel like I'm losing sight of everything. I have no idea how we'll cope with 3 under 2, and the thought of bedtime/leaving the house/not leaving the house terrifies me.

I also find myself looking at pictures of DD when she was younger and missing that baby phase - she's started saying no and being more demanding and I just feel like it's all too much.

Also, as I'm pregnant much more quickly than we anticipated it means we've got much less time to get financially sorted before I go off again, so we're living like monks which isn't helping. I feel like 2010 has been the worst year of my life so far - and we're only half way through February.

Blurgh. Sorry. It feels good just to get it all out to be honest.

[ellymouse]

you've got so much going on your bound to feel a bit out of control, have you got a good supportive network around you?
Your partner, family, friends or do you still see the health visitor? have you told your boss your pregnant or are they not understanding? I think the more you can surround yourself with supportive people the easier this next year will be. it can of course be a lot easier said then done, i really struggle with meeting new people and even just keeping hold of old friends, but being isolated makes things much worse.
i dont know if any of this is useful, i'm pregnant for the first time so don't really know what i'm talking about just going on whats helped me in the past. i really hope things get easier for you.

[fufulina]

Thanks ellymouse - lovely of you to respond. DH is great, but also has a v stressful job - and he does morning drop off at the childminder so I can leave at 6 to get to work for 6.30/7 to get a good 10 hours in before I need to leave to pick up DD. So we don't see a lot of each other at the moment - and at the weekends, I just collapse, or spend my time in a frenzy of chores.

Mum is great - but 200 miles away.

Friends are brilliant, but I don't want to burden them really. And I found with this pregnancy as with my first that I have become very insular. I find myself cancelling plans at the last minute because I can't face it.

I've told work about being pregnant and my boss is possibly the least empathetic woman I could hope for - she told me how her SIL had ID twins and both died. But - to be fair, it's not her job to be empathetic - but that knocked my sideways a bit.

So yes - I think you've it on it really - feeling very lonely and like everything is on my shoulders. Which it's not and DH would be appalled at me saying that -but that's how I feel. And to top it all off - we've been out of our house for 6 months while it's underpinned and are moving back ion 3 weeks... It just seems like another long list of things to do on my list, IYSWIM.

Had no idea I could drone on so much! Very sorry. And thanks again for replying.

[willsurvivethis]

You're not droning on Fufulina - sometimes writing it down helps you get things clear in your head.

Is it normal in your line of business to work such long hours or do you cram extra in (full time in four days?) That just sounds Too Much certainly while pregnant! With twins!

You mention lots of chores - a cleaner can do a lot in two hours a week. Do you have one? Can you afford one? I know you mention financial issues but some things are more important than others...

Maybe that's easy talking but I'm coming to the end of six months unpaid leave while still forking out for childcare so I know about no money.

[fufulina]

Thanks willsurvivethis - you're so right, it has helped enormously just writing it down.

We have a cleaner - 2 hours a week and would (have!) sacrifice many many things (including takeaways, meals out, new clothes, etc) to keep her - she is brilliant.

Chores are mainly all the paperwork that comes with running a house - bills, finances and especially at the moment when it's so tight - we have to be incredibly on top of every penny. And the washing, meal planning and shopping - all that stuff that I used to get done in the week so that weekends were purely family time. And DH is great at doing his share - but it does seem to overtake us at the weekends when all I want to do is sleep (and I haven't even got the energy for DD at the moment, which makes me feel doubly terrible).

At the moment, it is seemingly 'very very busy' at work (so my boss tells me) - in my career of 10 years I have never known a team so over-stretched. Every single one of us is working like a demon and I feel that I can't bow out of that just because I'm pg - it's a bit of a point of pride. Which is ridiculous, because I have a theory that regardless how you behave when you're pg at work (soldier on, actually do more than normal or put your feet up) people will always assume you're doing naff all - because you're pg, so you may as well make it easy on yourself! But as I came back to work 5 weeks pg (so not expecting it to happen that quickly!) I feel like I have something to prove. Not at all sure what.

But - thank you both for replying - it has helped enormously to write it down. Mostly I think because seeing it in black and white I can realise that this is just a particularly tricky time for us as a family - and I'm not failing on every front (which is how I feel) - I'm just doing my best...

[ellymouse]

i've done exactly the same thing during my pregnancy so far, not going out, not talking to anyone, cancelling anything i do get invited to. but i know i should be getting out and around people. i dont think that by talking to your friends you'd be burdening them? they might appreciate your frankness. do you have a good doctor? a colleague you can talk to? or just someone who's been supportive in the past?
remember to give yourself a break too, emotionally at the very very least! you've had an insane amount going on and with all that, a pregnancy and feelings of isolation its no wonder your stressed! you make me feel bad cuz i havn't has half of what you've had and i keep bursting into tears as it is!

[fufulina]

Oh the tears ellymouse! I feel like I've been crying for weeks. And I finally stopped breastfeeding DD last Friday (we went from 3 feeds a day to none in 2 weeks), and I think that's sent my hormones all over the place as well (and as a good friend pointed out - probably part of the reason I'm suddenly gooey-eyed over her baby pictures).

I don't really want to talk to a HCP - I have that completely irrational fear that they will get SS involved and I will lose my girl - irrational and ridiculous, I know - but I don't want to risk it.

So odd - how insular you can feel when pg. I remember the first time, I thought it was supposed to be all flowers and peachy cheeks and I just wanted to hibernate for 9 months. I suppose I should have expected the same again, but really didn't.

Thanks again ellymouse.

[willsurvivethis]

"I can realise that this is just a particularly tricky time for us as a family - and I'm not failing on every front (which is how I feel) - I'm just doing my best..."

well done - print off and stick on mirror!!!