I think my Dsis may be/have Bipolar... How can I help her?... Long, sorry...

[DawnAS]

I'm a regular here on MN and haven't changed my name because no-one in RL would look for me on here.

I come from a big family, 3 sisters and 1 brother. My elder sister and my brother are fine, as am I (I think!). My youngest sister was diagnosed with Lupus during her pregnancy and it is progressing to MS. She is not at all well. However, we are all seriously concerned about my middle sister.

She is nearly 29 and divorced with a 5 year old DD. After she had her DD, she had to go back to work very quickly, after just 6 weeks as her Ex-DH was a lazy sod and continued to work part-time in a shop because he hated working. She was a Retail Manager and worked ridiculous hours. She worshipped her DD and she really hated to leave her all day, but they had no choice with a mortgage etc. So, anyone who meets her, thinks she's hilariously funny, bubbly etc but she's one who cannot stand it when the attention is taken away from her and gets really upset and sulky.

So, when her DD was about 6 months old, my Dsis became very down and was diagnosed with PND. She continued to have episodes of being manically happy, laughing all the time, being the centre of attention at parties etc talking ten to the dozen, but these times would then be followed by very depressed states where she would say how much she hated her life etc.

She was miserable at home and ended up having sex in the store room of her store, with a Security Guard - in the middle of the day!! She was Manager of the store but one of her assistants saw her and reported her to the Area Manager. She was suspended and had to come clean to her ex-DH, but played it down to be a snog...

Due to this episode, (she would occasionally laugh about this, very odd...), she resigned and found a job as a Manager of a different store, where within 2 weeks, she had started an affair with another Manager in a different location. Her ex-DH received a letter from the guy's wife saying that she'd found out that they were having an affair. My Dsis lied about it, despite phoning me up and laughing about it to me.

Of course during all this, there was a young DD to think about...

When this was also found out, she resigned from that job aswell and got a job as Manager of ANOTHER retail store (I think I'd have been wondering about her CV by now if I'd have been a recruiter...). No affair this time, but she just decided she didn't like it and went back to the previous role.

By this time, she'd decided that she wanted out of the marriage so left her DH. Within a week, she had started a relationship with a colleague.

She has now been with him for nearly 2 years. She is deliriously happy one minute and then threatening to kill herself the next. She is clinging onto this guy so much. He has told her that he doesn't love her and doesn't want to be with her, but he is scared that she will kill herself if he leaves her. Her ex-DH has since met (and dumped!) someone else and has a baby boy. He is no longer interested in looking after my DNiece and my Dsis is more worried about her relationship than about her poor DD. She has moved house twice since splitting from her DH and this recent move was to move further away from her current DP (he can't drive) as she thought it would make her more independent and give her the strength to leave him, but instead, she drives him all around the countryside, even while he's expressing to her that he doesn't want to be with her!!

When people first meet her, she is so loud and bubbly and chatty, people really like her. But they don't see what we see. Mum had to slap her the other day because she was hysterical because her DP had text her to say he didn't want to see her that night. Mum just couldn't calm her down, it was awful.

She's now been on AD for 5 years and they keep increasing the dosage but nothing is helping.

Someone said to me today that she might be Bipolar and I looked up the symptoms and it does fit her behaviour completely.

It is effecting the whole family and we are so worried about her. My Dad had to pull her off of a bridge the other day because she was threatening to jump! We are worried about her DD as she is seeing Mummy crying one minute and then deliriously happy the next and she's becoming confused. Both sets of her Grandparents take good care of my DNiece, but neither can have her living with them currently. I know that my Dsis loves her DD so much and it's almost worse when my Dniece goes to my Dsis's Ex-ILs for the night, if her DP isn't there as she feels so lonely, but her DD needs to maintain that contact for stability.

Now, if I mentioned any of this, about Bipolar to my Dsis, she would ignore it or get really angry. So what can I do? Can I phone her doctor and talk to them, without asking for any info? Surely if I'm just telling them something (because they won't know any of what is happening) then it's not breaking any confidences from their side because I won't be asking any questions. I'm thinking that if I do that, they could contact her and just say that they need to see her to review her medication and then investigate themselves. Can I do that? I really don't know what to do...

[Bumblingbovine]

She does sound like she may be bipolar and I think anti-depressants don't work if that is the case. She needs medication specific to bipolar disorder. bi-polar disorder is often mistreated as depression because patients only tell the GP about the depression bit. During the highs they feel great so often don't see them as a problem.

The doctor however won't talk to you about your sister without her there I'm afraid.

What I would do is talk to her, preferably when she is in a down mood rather than an up one and say that she should go back to the doctor. As she is already on anti depressants maybe she will be open to going back to the doctor to talk about her dosage again .

The the key thing is to have you (or soemone who agrees with you) there at the meeting with the doctor if possible. You could then bring up your worries about her "high" moods as part of the gwenral conversation with the doctor with your sister there.

She needs to see that her "highs" are as much as problem as the "lows" and be willing to talk to the doctor about it. I would really insist on going to the doctor with her if at all possible even if just under the guise of adjusting her AD's.

If she really is bipolar she has a strong risk of committing suicide. I am not trying to frighten you but she does sound quite polar - especially all the reckless sexual behaviour.

I am sorry you are facing this and it is diffcult to watch. I know as my sister had this as do a number of my extended family.

[Bumblingbovine]

Also I wanted to say that recent research has shown that women with bi-polar dosorder are much more likely to have suffer from serious PND after having a baby than other women.

[willsurvivethis]

If there is no other way and you know who her doctor is you could write to her doctor, maybe getting your parents to sign the letter too. Or during one of her hysterical moments phone an ambulance.

[DawnAS]

Bumblingbovine, thank you so much for your helpful response.

I have spoken to my Mum and we are thinking that maybe we will encourage my Dad to go with her, aswell as Mum and I as Dad is very matter-of-fact and not particularly emotional. He will tell her that she needs help and take her down to the doctors. But aswell as being matter-of-fact, he will also be very supportive, as he is to all of us.

So thank you again for your advice.

willsurvivethis, thank you aswell. We'll try the face to face approach with the doc first but if she really refuses to go, we may go with the letter approach. Thank you.

[mummylin2495]

Hi DawnAS ,my sister is bipolar and had several innapropriate sexual relationships whilst she was going through a very bad phase.She also ended up leaving and finally getting divorced from her dh.She is quite stable at the moment although having a relationship with someone who is only a couple of years older than her son.But for now she is happy and stable after going through a very bad time of it ,for me that is enough,she is happy and well for now and that is what i wish for her.Its very difficult to see someone going through this,but they do need all the support you can give.I would suggest to your sister that you hate seeing her so sad and can you help her in any way and maybe she will begin to open up a bit more to you.good luck.

[MitchyInge]

good luck with the doc, there is a risk of 'manic switch' with anti-depressants in bipolar and full blown mania is a psychiatric emergency so it's really important to get her assessed properly and have those meds reviewed

her mood swings could also be explained by borderline personality disorder which can look a bit like milder bipolar

[DawnAS]

Thank you all so much for your kind and thoughtful responses.

MitchyInge (good name by the way! ), whilst reading that link, I realised that I left out something very important in my original post. About a year or so ago, my Dsis admitted to my youngest Dsis that she has been cutting herself and her poor DD has witnessed it and asked my Mum why she was doing it. So it sounds plausible that it could be either BPD or Bi-Polar.

I can't believe that I forgot about that...

The other thing that seems to link it to BPD (although this may also be a symptom of Bi-Polar), is that this is the first time that she's felt completely powerless and worthless in a relationship. Before, she had the power because she was always the adulterer. Even from the age of 14 when she had her first boyfriend, she wouldn't ever leave that person until she had met someone else. She held all the cards. In this relationship, it's him that doesn't want to know and is trying to end it and she doesn't have a replacement lined up as she has done previously, hence the threats to kill herself etc. Until now, I couldn't see why she was staying with him. I remember saying things like "Why are you acting so desperately? If someone didn't want to be with me and was telling me that they didn't love me, I would be gone like a shot!". Maybe now there is a reason behind it...

[willsurvivethis]

DawnAS cutting is a coping mechanism that can be related to all sorts of things and can be a way to feel 'something', to release tension, to get pain near the surface where it can get out to name but a few.

[MitchyInge]

luckily they are both v treatable conditions (and she could well have bits of both), hope she is open to thinking about/discussing it with a doctor

good luck, let us know how she gets on