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Mental health

How do I talk to GP about my mental state?

16 replies

Iknowmyheadsintheclouds · 03/02/2010 11:26

I've got an appointment with my GP tomorrow because I feel as if I am having a bit of a breakdown/mid-life crisis and I am really really scared.

I'm never ill, never go to the doc, usually quite a happy bubbly person. I've recently switched surgeries so I don't even know the GP.

I'm really happily married to dh for 15 years, we have one ds. We have a great life, very close, great sex, feel fulfilled.

Two months ago I trawled the internet and found someone with whom I had a brief, but intense, relationship 20 years ago. I was heartbroken back then, very sad and lonely and looking back, I think it paved the way for some destructive behaviour on my part in the years to follow before I met dh.

Former lover and I have been emailing back and forth for the last 2 months and we have spoken on the phone once. All of the emotion of loss and sadness has come out - on both sides. We are both devastated but it seems we are having a delayed reaction. He is married too. We are not trying to rekindle anything, he lives in another country. It didn't work out not because we didn't love each other but because circumstances forced him back home.

I know the obvious solution is to break off contact but I feel like we need to keep talking to find out why we are both feeling this way. And please, I don't need a flaming for having a 'relationship' with him. I know it's not forever and I don't feel like I am betraying dh- if this makes any sense, it has nothing to do with my dh or my present happiness, but everything to do with a sadness I felt so so long ago.

I burst into tears at the drop of a hat (i.e., on the way home from school run this morning!), can't eat, obsessively checking my emails, can't do anything except lie on the sofa or sit in the bath and cry. The only thing that helps is that OM is doing exactly the same thing. I can't talk to anyone about this as it just doesn't sound real.

So I've booked myself in to see the GP tomorrow and I don't know whether I should just tell the whole story (it sounds so childish!) or whether I should just say I'm having a mid life crisis and need something to calm me down. I rarely take medication (not even for headaches) so I'm really scared that I'm seriously going mad.

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justallovertheplace · 03/02/2010 11:44

Honestly? I don't think you need medication. What you do need is to think about why you 'trawled the internet' to find someone you haven't spoken to for 20 years. What did you hope to achieve? Were you seeking to fill some void in another area of your life?

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willsurvivethis · 03/02/2010 11:47

Do you need to talk to your GP about your mental state? Because it sounds to me like something fairly normal and with an obvious of unpleasant solution.

You've been married for a while and life is fixed and predictable and here is a blast from the past that suddenly brings something that you lose in your marriage however good you and dh are together. You realise that you have made certain choices that have taken you in a certain direction and you may have regrets but...

I think that you would do better to face up to the reality that breaking off contact will restore the calm better than pills will and be better for your marriage too. He may be unavailable but the distance will help blur the reality and can make you feel very in love very quickly and that is pretty bad for your marriage.

I recommend investing in your marriage - see if you can get away together, try to rediscover the fun together and leavde the past well alone.

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Iknowmyheadsintheclouds · 03/02/2010 12:09

I honestly don't know why I searched him out. Was just that feeling of always wondering if he is happy. (he is).

And I have no regrets about the choices I've made..I love my husband and can't see myself with anyone else - even former lover.

Is it normal to cry all day, every day? Or to feel like I can't breathe? Or to feel so bereft and sad that I can't think straight? To not be able to sleep at night?

I don't have much experience with mental health problems and thought this would be a safe place to discuss. I don't want to take pills at all. I thought maybe going to the GP might help but you are all saying I've just got to get a grip. Believe me, I'm trying.

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willsurvivethis · 03/02/2010 12:17

I'm sorry if I sounded as if I was saying get a grip - that's rarely a helpful thing to say.

But I have seen up close (very good friends) the devastation caused by extramarital shenanigans. It is many years ago and they've survived it and grown stronger but the scars are there and if you know it you can see it. You say you are not rekindling anything but you are - and you are feeding it by keeping in touch. A close emotional bond of this intensity is probably even more damaging to your marriage than a 'pure sexual' relationship with a third party. As much as you cry all the time now I think that may be far less two weeks after you stop contacting him. If not it will be time to get some help.

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nickschick · 03/02/2010 12:28

Whats your Dh making of all this?

You have to be firm with yourself - you're not ill as such,theres nothing the G.P can do to make you feel better.

Im being a bit cruel to be kind here (and will explain why later).

You have a lot more than some people,but thats the thing with having it all you always want more.....you are hurting yourself and soon your dh if this carries on.

You made your choices and now this is your life.

You are being unfair.

Wean yourself away from him,think of 2 1/2 hour periods per day when you will check your inbox or mail him then no more at all.

Whilst its all so new and exciting its fun its romantic its great to feel like a teen again- but this isnt real life - real life is watching tv with your dh and yes arguing about bloody sausage casserole.

I can say this bcos I was in your place - with my very first real bf only last xmas,I now no longer chat to him online.

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Iknowmyheadsintheclouds · 03/02/2010 13:03

Thanks nickschick...you are right. I do need to break off contact and maybe I'm not ill. I have told my dh that I've been in contact with ex but not the extent of the conversations. Unfortunately dh is away a lot, so maybe being on my own gives me too much access to the internet...

I guess the trouble is the past relationship ended and we never had a chance to talk about it at all. We were young, stupid, etc. We both just got on with our lives and never spoke to each other again after the day we said a tearful goodbye.

It's not actually fun at all doing this. It's painful and I don't want to feel like this.

But sometimes it feels like an addiction spiralling out of control. So maybe I'll try the 2 hour rule about checking emails. thanks.

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nickschick · 03/02/2010 13:41

This is so like my situation although it didnt upset me as its upsetting you - it upset him though and he was really getting quite intense and even posted a public apology on facebook i was mortified,especially as all our friends from school knew what it was about.

Youll be ok .

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alypaly · 04/02/2010 01:43

if you feel you need help from the gp ,you have to be truthful,otherwise there is no point in going. You feel ill because this rekindling has made you think about the what ifs.
I feel you have to be truthful to yourself too. There is a little box that the OM ticks that DH obviously doesnt. Maybe you have already hit the nail on the head about DH being away alot. Hopefully the attention is no more than infatuation which will only become worse if you persue this.

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nickschick · 04/02/2010 09:31

How are you today?

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Iknowmyheadsintheclouds · 04/02/2010 11:10

thanks Nickschick..I'm doing much much better today. Actually I think everyone's advice about pulling myself together helps. I just had a revelation that I've just got to get through this.

There's a lot more going on in my life that is making me upset - close family member has cancer and being alone a lot doesn't help.

It's just that I have never felt so sad in my whole life and if it's to do with other things, not just OM, then I need to deal with it all. It just feels like everything is weighing down on me like a lead weight and does make me reevaluate my life and my choices in life. But isn't that what a mid-life crisis is?

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nickschick · 04/02/2010 11:13

No hunny Its just a shit phase ....I think most of us have times like this.

I know I do.

It will get better.

Promise.

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PacificDogwood · 04/02/2010 11:20

I think some form of "talking therapy" would help you understand why a situation from 20 years ago has such an importance to you know.

I would agree you do not sound in the least mentally ill, but emotionally confused and upset. You do not need medication, in fact that might be quite conterproductive TBH.

You GP should be able to sort out counselling for you or you access this kind of thing under your own steam if you'd rather.

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nickschick · 04/02/2010 11:22

I think that this has come from the fact that when they were together her life was rather problem free or manageable and bcos she has a lot going on at the minute and is very sad its rekindled all the 'free' and 'happy' feelings she had then - so really perhaps its not the bloke as such you desire its that period of time?? thats why you are very content with your dh its just the 'time' you are in now??.

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Iknowmyheadsintheclouds · 04/02/2010 14:04

I've cancelled the appointment.

Thank you virtual friends. I think I can see some light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm not normally someone who has extreme mood reactions.

Have done a LOT of talking with OM which was a necessary evil to discover why we both had such an overwhelming whole of loss. I know it's easy for some people to judge me, say I'm cheating but if you had been through the bizarre emotions and utter despair that I have been in the last 2 months you might understand. I may have to do some more 'talk therapy' with someone else about it, but I think I'll explore that on my own.

We both have lovely memories of each other but have agreed to leave it at that - cherished memories.

It's over.

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willsurvivethis · 04/02/2010 14:16

Brave lady - that is great to hear.

Not judging you, I think the same could easily happen to me too and I would need someone to straighten me out.

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nickschick · 04/02/2010 17:02

Its gonna be ok iknowmyheadsintheclouds.....

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