Really Struggling (name changed)

[NotQuiteSure01]

I am really struggling with life recently and feel absolutely hopeless. I have had a history with anxiety, depression and eating disorders but haven't felt low for years. Anyway recently they've all been coming back again, I know most of it is because I am so stressed with everything and I feel like I have no control. I'm starting to drive myself crazy and spending hours in the middle of the night doing stupid stuff like scrubbing the kitchen floor and cleaning skirting boards or arranging my DVDs in alphabetical order. It seems like the more out of control I feel, the more I start to try and control the little things in my life that don't even matter!
I know I sound like I am losing the plot, but I really don't think it's all that bad. On the outside I always seem quite calm and organised and together and to be honest, over half the time I actually do feel quite calm. But then something small happens (like an argument with my ex partner or finding headlice in my children's hair) and I start to feel totally out of control again.
My eating disorder is creeping back, its not really bad and I think I can keep it under control enough but now that is consuming my every thought and I am getting stressed about my ED because I am getting stressed in the first place.
I'm a single parent, work fulltime, no family nearby and no real support system. I do have a lot of fantastic friends who I have vented to a lot recently but I can't ever tell them everything, I don't want them to think differently of me.
I went to see my GP and he gave me a script for some anti d's but I don't really want to take them again. I don't really feel 'depressed' more out of my depth and like I don't really have much control anymore. In fact it's probably my anxiety which is worse. When I actually do go to bed I lie there wondering if I have turned the TV off at the wall or if I locked the back door or if the cat flap's open incase the cat wants to come in. I then have to come downstairs and check everything.
I know there's probably not much people can suggest to me, I do fele better after writing it down though, i guess maybe I just need to talk more to people?

[UnderneathTheStream]

I wish I could help as I completely get where you are coming from.

Would more relaxation time or social activities help with the over-controlling? That?s what normally helps me when I am struggling with my ED?

[Snowtiger]

I really sympathise notquitesure, I've struggled with EDs and depression at various times and have OCD to boot, which makes for a fun combination at times .

The one thing that I find incredibly helpful is keeping a journal - if you don't enjoy writing then it might not be for you but for me it's the one place where I can vent all my worries and feel 'heard' but not judged, and 9 times out of 10 by the time I've finished writing I've got the answer to whatever is bothering me. Might be worth a go - particularly as you say at the end of your post that just writing down the problem made you feel better. With a journal you don't have to worry what other people think of you - and you can write in it at 3 in the morning. But yes, definitely get out more and talk to people more - as long as you're being open and honest about how you feel and seeking help / advice / positive solutions rather than just moaning, my experience is that friends are usually only too glad to help.

I realise this is bleedin' obvious but it sounds like your anxiety is the problem so you need to find a way to reduce it - physical exercise could really help, or maybe changing your diet so you get fewer blood sugar spikes and lows etc? Again, might be worth a try.

HTH.

[alypaly]

your anxiety sounds as if its giving you a bit of OCD, which suonds like its slighyly in your charcter with you mentioning the eating disorder and then sorting things out alphabetically and double checking doors etc. Anxiety/depression/OCD is horrible and i reckon the more we think about it,the worse it gets.

I think AD's can help get you on an equilibrium and then more able to cope with stressful things,but then you have to find out what is the route cause of you stress and anxiety. Do you think it is because you are single or lonely ..........or do you know why you feel like this deep down.

[alypaly]

post to me on MN.......i am up too,sorting out my bedroom cupboards at 2 and 3 am ........i know exactly how you feel. Do you find you never really get anything fulfilling done though?

[NotQuiteSure01]

Thanks for all your responses, I wasn't expecting all of that and it's certainly given me some things to think about.
The journal is a really good idea. I used to keep one actually but then real life got in the way and I never managed to find the time. However if I stopped cleaning skirting boards and door frames I would probably free up a lot of time! I'll start one tonight actually.
Time is a huge factor in doing certain activities and finding time for myself. I seem to spend all week at work and in the evenings I study, plus there's the children and everything else. Even when I do have some free time I am so wound up over nothing in particular that I can't concentrate on relaxing. I seem to have developed the inability to sit still, or do nothing ... I suppose this is all probably anxiety related.
My anxiety is probably the main cause of my problems, the feeling of not being in control or that I am struggling makes me feel sick to my stomach and shaky and yes, the OCD probably stems from that.
I'm still unsure as to whether I should take the anti d's or not or whether I should go for something herbal first. Perhaps they would put me on an equilibrium ...
My diet probably needs to be looked at too only I am a very faddy eater, there are lots of foods I can't eat due to previous issues with them. I do drink too much coffee which I know doesn't help but not having that as a crutch right now is too scary to think about!
The route cause of it all? Could be a million things, how would I ever find out? And is it even possible to find it out?

Oh and alypaly, I feel like I have done something productive at the time, then a short while later I feel the urge to clean out something else because the previous thing wasn't productive enough. Does that even make sense!?

[alypaly]

yes it does make sense...im the same...it is perfectionist tendencies..