Mumsnet Talk

My vile exe stepfather has hunted my mother down online and contacted her,23 years since i cut him out of my life..and she seems to be open to an email exchange.Ive told her not to mention me or the kids,i cant even say his fucking name..feel like im falling off the face of the earth,im so floored by this,i havent even started on the wine etc..cant swallow anything,or sleep
How could she even reply...

shes going to talk to him because 'she needs to feel wanted atm' shes just wrecked our relationship

sorry, i am not following. YOU cut him from YOUR life but your mum can't contact him?

Apologies if there is a good reason but from your OP i can't see that.

Theres alot of good reason..hes a disgusting sordid deviant bully and she fucked off and left me with him when i was early teens.He is the anti christ as far as im concerned

DOes she know how you feel?

she does now..il gather myself,in bits atm

she finally asks me by text ffs,did he ever touch me

shes calmed down..she wont tell him anything now,shes not coping with life anymore than i am.i feel the need for prozac etc...all too much

Well you surely do not need him in your life then - and from the sounds of it you've just rescued your mum too if she's that vulnerable that she needs attention so much that even his will do.

You are right to protect yourself the way you do but it sounds like it has torn open some old wounds - hard

It did/has..we thought someone with his heavy smoking/high blood pressure/vile temper must surely have popped a vessel etc by now..
I still think shes going to talk to him,i know when shes lying,she does it alot,always has..shes too blase' tonight,shes hiding something...

shes chatting with him in IM..sat on MY sofa,and reminisced at me...ffs...he used to show me hard core porn when i was barely into my teens..i have achieved what i have with my own family despite what i lived with when i should have been busy growing up feeling clean and worthy...
He wanted her to tell him dirty stories about me and my bestie back then,as teens il add...took pictures of me on the beach,made little jokes about going topless..the man who was essentially my 'dad' from 5 years old..hes on her IM list,she logged in on my laptop and there the fucker was...
Hes a bully and a psycho,and its taken years to leave all that where it belonged...but shit floats it seems.....

You can and should tell her that although you cannot stop her doing this to herself - not in your house, your company and on your sofa. And no you don't want to talk about it. it won't take away all your pain but it's a small modicum of self protection.

i already did..but she gets drunk..and out it comes,shes pathetic

You poor girl. No wonder you struggle if your mother is this selfish and spineless. Is there any way you can say to your mother that you would rather not see her for a while if she is in contact with this man? She will weep and wail and say you are forcing her to choose - but she has chosen. SHe's chosen him, despite the fact that she dumped him once, that she hasn't seen him for years, and that you hate him.
Do you have other sources of support? Scratch that, do you have any support, because your mum is clearly not a source of it.

she always chooses men,its how shes wired..i cant go all out on her,she took an overdose last year and got in the car,did the whole 'hose thru the window' thing...only stopped when her dogs got distressed....
i would have found her,i was due round in the morning..she didnt think of that.
I do have support,my friends are amazing,only a few know it all...ones a writer,and shes tracing this man,so we can tell his wife..the woman he was shagging thru much of his marriage to my mother..that hes sleazing up to his exewive(s)

...ergo,that will shut him down...

If I was you, I'd tell your mother that she can either have this man in her life or her daughter.

Also, tell her that if she does not cut contact you will go to the police about the criminal abuse he subjected you to as a child.

ive thought of that....but he didnt touch me,im tempted to tell her to cut it or lose me..this has been an 'elephant in the room' for over 20 years....

It worked for me ten years ago - but I also had the odious streak of toxic waste of a man arrested for fraud at the same time.

However, you are taking a risk with this. I do not know your mother, she may pick him but if she does she's not much of a proper Mam in my book anyway!

He showed an underage girl hard core porn - that is classed as criminal sexual abuse.

my word against his now...25 years later,it could have stayed buried

fraud?...its a pattern,this man gambled my childhood home away too,we ended up in rented accomodation.

hope your well clear and recovered etc amber...

she cant afford to eat,but suddenly shes got a fucking webcam