Is anyone free to chat? I'd like some guidance on where to go now.

[harl]

Hi

I've had depression for years. I still struggle to admit that. I just realised yesterday that I have slipped down into a black hole again. Its due to being overly wound after a busy year last year, culminating in Christmas that was mixed with illness and being much, much to busy. Ages ago someone explained to me that when our bodies get wound up we live off adrenalin, when that subsides, we dip. I think that is where I am.

I have so much to do its untrue. All of it seems to need done today. And yet, I am brain-frozen, I can't think logically and I can't control my anger, I feel ashamed, I am anxious about all weather-related stress.

I had counselling for the best part of a year and it finished a year ago. I really liked my counsellor but sadly she has moved on and I really, really don't want to have to start back with another (she was my second one, the first I had seen 2 years previously and as I didn't 'click' with her, it made the sessions useless. I also feel its a personal blow to have to admit to needing to go back.

I don't want to go back, I thought/think I have the answers I needed......which was to find the route of why I feel bad. I know why, its just I need to make the change myself and that is the hard bit. No amount of counselling can make the change for me. I must learn to stand up and change what I don't like about me.

I need to know what to do. Right now, I am wasting precious time. And yet I am incapable of getting up and applying myself to anything with good effect as I feel my brain is on shut down. I can hardly think straight.

Wow. Medal if you are still reading. I'm probably not explaining it well.

[adelicatequestion]

I understand exactly where you are.

I had years of hopeless counselling wither through me not liking the counsellor or rather not feeling safe with them so not opening up or ineffective counsellors who I should have checked out more.

My core problem was child abuse and like you I know what I need to do but feel either I can;t be bothered or just don;t do what I need to. This impacts on what needs doing, the way I live etc etc.

If I get overwhelmed with lots of things that all need doing, my initial reaction is to just switch off and do nothing. Just waste my time.

I can also relate to the anger.

If you know what the core issue is, it may be that you haven;t fully resolved it yet.

I am now seeing a very good and experienced therapist and she is helping me to understand why I don;t do hat I need to do.

Please don;t see it as a failure that you may need more, see it as an opportunity to get to where you want to be.

Good luck

[harl]

thank you korma, your simple line about running with a broken leg made me cry which, in a strange way, is probably what will help get me started today.

Took a peek at your profile, is that you? So fresh faced and healthy looking.

I have resisted tablets for ever. Not because I disagree with them but because I want to be able to fix and change me, not just take a tablet that might make me feel cheerful for a short time. Or worse, a long time.

I by no means want to look a gift horse in the face but its meant a lot to me trying to win the fight without tablets. I am terrified of starting on a rollercoaster of trying different meds. Or feeling just as crap on meds.

For me, then there would be nothing else and it would hit me hard.

Does that make any sense?

[shabbapinkfrog]

That makes perfect sense. My DIL had horrendous PND after her little boy was born and eventually was put on AD. I cannot explain how much they helped her. Now my DGson is 19 months old and she has stopped taking them. She needed them for many months but has come full circle now.

Sounds like your heart and mind are tired - Korma is so right - if you had a physical injury you would go to the doctors or hospital. An emotional injury is so difficult to deal with but its vital that you do.

Also think that going back to counselling is not a sign of defeat it is a sign of your strength xxxxxx

[harl]

hullo darling shabs, its me x. You know who. Just hiding.

[Pancakeflipper]

It does make sense. A few years ago I had a slight breakdown. Panic/ anxiety/ depression following trauma. I refused the meds. I was determined to not to take them. I was scars if I took them and they did not work then that was it - I would be a nutter forever.

Eventually after a horror of a weekend my OH took me back to the Dr who wasn't annoyed that I'd used previous prescriptions. And I agreed to take the tablets. The first 2 weeks were grim but no worse than what I already felt like. Gradually I could be calm enough to see how to tackle it.
They did not cure it. They just allowed my brain to atop whirring and got the adrenalin down. I used an Oestopath to help with the adrenalin levels and stress balls. I also saw a therapist which helped me see progress and supported me. Some people find various herbal supplements help ( I tried but not for me - I was far too deep down the hole).

It really is tiny step at a time. I also wrote a diary and would put a tick if I had a good morning, or a cross for bad afternoon, cross if bad evening. And every week I would count up my good ticks / bad ticks and I could progress and pinpoint areas of concern.

To help you focus on each day perhaps a list of stuff to do ( include everything - teethbrushing etc) and just use that to get your brain through the day.

[harl]

korma, your intention was good and needed and so is the crying, i need to cry a bit, haven't done it for so long.

I don't really go to the doctors. I don't really like my doctors surgery for lots of reasons. They misdiagnosed my DD1 a few years ago which resulted in her being very seriously ill. Before and after that, i have made myself go when I have been at my very worst but I felt she nodded, suggested tablets, I said its not what I want to do, she suggested a DVD she had........ and I ended up seeking out my own counsellor and paying privately. I tried another surgery a few years ago but found it to be similar so.....its better the devil you know I guess.

I suppose I know I will cry in a public place and that the doctor doesn't really know the history behind me getting to that seat. Its just all feels too bloody much to deal with.

My DP is supportive but detached, he'd never suggest going with me (he works away, always busy, time precious). He will do dishes and help around the house but this stuff.......its beyond him. And other than that, i have no-one who knows.

[shabbapinkfrog]

I know my love. Seriously though why dont you go to see a psychiatrist - thats what I had to do eventually. Im not knocking counsellors at all but I got more from a couple of visits to the psychiatrist than I did from anything else.

Keeping it all inside is totally useless even though thats what I do. It is of no help whatsoever.

I think you try so hard to think of everybody else and put everybody else first that there is no time for you. The problem is if you become tired and poorly the rest of the clan all fall apart as well.

Always here if you want to email - not sure if I can be of any help but I can listen and then drone on about my problems

[harl]

thank you pancake, I do the lists already.........hence the stress

A nutter forever.....that is exactly it.

And so many regrets already.

[harl]

shabs, my counsellor I liked was a full blown, heavy duty, psychologist. The full nutter brigade. I went straight to the top. I already knew no "now, now, here's tissues and a cuppa, you'll be fine" type chat would touch the sides.

[shabbapinkfrog]

You know what Robbie says dont you? 'No regrets, they dont work.'

Have noticed you also do what I do - try to make light of your situation - I think we should start a thread specifically for having a moan where none of these are allowed or

How is your sleep? Mine is still like falling into a black hole and then waking a couple of hours later.

I am a great fan of keeping a diary though...when you read back over it in the future you will be amazed at your progress xxx

[shabbapinkfrog]

I once saw a male counsellor...he asked me to tell him what was wrong. I explained about how my bereavements were affecting me..by the end of about 10 minutes he had blobby tears running down his face and he was stroking the back of my hand - WTF?????

I struggle when someone comforts me if they touch me.

[harl]

I think I best see what clay I can smooth over my face to turn this clown nose into something akin to human. I have to brave the outside world and get two birthday presents for parties tomorrow and do a couple of other emergency things.

Its food for thought. I have to change. Thank you to everyone for getting me through this last 45mins.

[Pancakeflipper]

GP's are unfortunately limited to what they can offer. It's tablets or join a huge waiting list for therapy. My work paid for mine - I was that disgraceful!

I think you have to face the fear and go through your option of possible methods to get better and list the pros and cons for each. Then put them into an order and try them out. But you have to commit to them and give them long enough to work. And that is the worst thing - no quick fix.

Have you been to your GP for this episode of depression?

[harl]

Wow shabs really, you struggle with touch? I can't take it from my mum because................actually I don't know why. She's never been touchy, cuddly with me as a grown up and even now its awkward when we try.

I love it in other ways though. I like a massage, one of the few times I can unwind. Every other moment in life I am a coiled spring.

Sleep is hard. I feel exahusted all the time. I need a good 7 or 8hours a night but I live on 6. As a result I feel I fall into a 'hard' sleep, and I never wake rested or relaxed. I jolt awake and feel ill.

[shabbapinkfrog]

Oh yes - most of the time I cannot bear anyone to touch me when I am feeling down or sad. xxxx

[harl]

No pancake I haven't been. I only noticed myself yesterday and realise I have been dipping since long before Christmas. I wonder if I've hit the bottom yet?

I am ready to speak to a doctor now, this moment. I have cried out my tears and I am calm enough to explain reasonably well. But by the time I get the appointment.........I'll be wound up, tearful and make a mess of my 3.5mins of time. Nuts.

[harl]

Anyone? Can you take a hug from DG1 anytime? And your DS'?

Does your DIL still take the meds?

[shabbapinkfrog]

yes I can cope with my DS's and darling GS. DIL weaned herself off the AD's about 3 months ago....if she hadn't had them I doubt if she would still be here - the depression was terrifying for all of us so God alone knows how she felt xx

[HarrogateMum]

harl, have you considered NLP? I went through a very tough time about 8 years ago when my DH was working away all the time and I was constantly low which pushed him further away and made me more depressed, like a vicious spiral downwards! I ate too much, drank too much and smoked too much and plodded through the days wishing I wasnt alive. I ended up going to see a fabulous woman who I am still in touch with now who pretty much sorted out my head in 4 hours flat (although even she said that was fast).

The 4 hours was emotionally exhausting but its all about finding your subconscious, because even if you are asked "what is it thats upsetting you" and you truly feel that you dont know (as I did), infact, somewhere inside buried and hidden (hidden on purpose by yourself as you dont want to face it) is the things that are causing the feelings.

I came out of my session feeling knackered, but like wonderwoman, like I could do anything. I truly believe it saved my marriage and am eternally grateful for it. I went back for a top up one hour a year later but it really worked for me.

Of course thats not to say it would for everyone, but its a consideration. I could ask my lady if she can recommend anyone in your neck of the woods if that would help.

[harl]

HM, I'd investigate happily! I hate getting into something I can't easily get out of but as long as I don't have to commit to anything and can just maybe research a bit. (a website of the person/clinic or address or something I can suss out......before I speak to anyone?) I like to build up to things....get the info and chew over it a while.

Shabs, glad she is better. Hope it continues for always.

[Pancakeflipper]

Re- read your initial post here , write it down, add other thoughts to it and hand it to your GP. I had to give them a right screwed up letter that made hardly any sense ( well it did to me at the time). And the Dr said after thanks for writing it down - it saved me from falling apart even more and feeling like a right freaky loser. And it saved time.

It's a slow progress but if today you just book an appointment and list your options you are being pro- active and getting some control.

P.S I did NLP too. It did help for the longer term on what caused my breakdown but it didn't work until I had the breakdown halted - once I got the adrenalin under control it was more helpful.

[HarrogateMum]

harl - I have a recommendation for you re NLP, I will email it to you.

[shabbapinkfrog]

HM can you email it to me as well [pleading eyes emoticon]