I am really struggling. Is there anything I can do to help myself?

[twoisplenty]

I have been seeing a counsellor for four months, originally because I was overwhelmed with things, esp with my ds who is severely disabled with cp. And loads of other issues. And also because our marriage needs tlc and I just can't "give" anything to my dh, because of childhood issues getting in the way of things (difficult to explain).

But I didn't expect that, during the course of counselling, my anorexia would return full force. Not had it for years. I had a "bout" of it some weeks ago, which was awful, but five weeks later, felt better and could function again.

My weight didn't recover much, and now I am back to being frightened of eating, and drinking fluids is a big problem too. Barely managed anything yesterday. The fear is crippling.

Is there anything practical I can do to stop this? I feel poorly and tired and worried.

I think, until I get to the heart of the matter with counselling, this could go on and on. I can't afford for that to happen because my weight is low, and I need energy for my dc.

[lilyjen]

You sound very depressed and it's great you have a councellor. I'm not sure what else you can do but wanted to post something by way of support xx

[twoisplenty]

I'm not sure...I wasn't depressed before counselling, but overwhelmed. I could still function and laugh with the dc.

But the last few weeks, esp the last few days, have been crippling.

[chachachachacha]

When is your next appt? Counsellling is a difficult process and it sounds as if your anorexia has returned as part of a coping mechanism to deal with whatever issues are being raised in your sessions and the process itself.

Have you disclosed your history of anorexia to your counsellor?

[twoisplenty]

Yes, I'm sure you're right about the ed returning because it is a coping mechanism. Not a good one!! Yes, the counsellor does know, and knew that it would come and go as the counselling went on...but she doesn't have to live with it!

I guess I have to be brave and just let the ed do its stuff, until I have found a better way to cope.

The next session is Tuesday.

It's just frustrating that it's getting worse, not better.

[adelicatequestion]

Oh two is plenty

Take care of yourself. Don't plan too much and just look after you. I know it is hard when you can;t give your all to the DC, but this time will pass and they probably won;t remember it after it's all gone.

Post anytime you need to. I'm here and I'll watch out for you posting.

ADQ

[twoisplenty]

Thank you ADQ - good to see you are back! I wondered where you had got to...

Yes, it's not great. Really tired, and getting a bit weak. Fed up.

I am wondering whether to give the counselling a rest for a few weeks to calm things down a bit. But at the same time, I need some support.

And I know the next bit of counselling that I need to get out of the way is going to be very very hard. It's the heart of the matter I think.

Do you still struggle with ed? (Don't answer if I have asked too much info).

[adelicatequestion]

Yes, in fact with the hard stuff I'm doing at the moment it is worse than ever.

I find it really hard and it makes me feel like a crap failure

BUT

I still believe it will right itself after I've dealt with my stuff.

BUT - my problem is overeating so I don;t suffer from the tiredness, feeling weak etc which must be very draining for you.

I also think that I have had it for 20 yrs, a few more months isn;t going to break the bank.

Do you know what is "the heart of the matter". If you do then that's very promising that you will come through it and be stronger. I know how hard it is and how it affects every aspect of your life.

Look beyond the counselling.....

I alwys visualised my problem as seeing the life I wanted but it was always the other side of a great deep cavern and I couldn't cross it. But I could see what I wanted to be. Then one day someone said to me, don;t visualise a big deep cavern, visualise a little gap you can walk across!

ADQ

[chachachachacha]

Could you ask your counsellor for a recommendation for someone who deals with ed to work alongside you both for the duration of the therapy? I think it is a real risk to your counselling if it isn't addressed appropriately.

Can you call your counsellor tomorrow to give them some notice so they can plan your support? They may need to seek advice from their supervisor so would be good to get something in place in preparation for your next session rather than you talking at the next session and then you having another few weeks of feeling out of control.

[twoisplenty]

Love that analogy ADQ, crossing a little gap to walk across. I must remember that.

chachachachacha - that's interesting. I decided this morning to write an email to the counsellor and see what she thinks we should do next. I will let you (all) know.

My dh is ignoring me, since last night. Just because I needed time on my own, I listened to some music. But I know that I was not "with it" yesterday, really tired and couldn't focus.

So that's the result...why oh why can't he accept that counselling is hard, and I need time to process things, let alone the ed, which he does know about but doesn't understand at all. I'm sure he thinks I am refusing food intentionally (why on earth would I do that?)

The counsellor is of the opnion that he will just have to wait and get on with things, and accept that I am mentally somewhere else for a while.

[adelicatequestion]

twoisplenty

I think it is hard for those who are not part of it to understand the pain and the hurt.

I had a breakthrough after months of being "stuck" and my psychiatris said it was because i didn;t feel safe with dh (given the affair). Until I sorted it I wouldn't move forward.

So he came along iwth me to my session last week and we tackled my hurt and pain. He saw it all first hand. I've never cried in a session but with him there and talking about it I fell apart.

He now sees the pain and this week when I had a bad time - he held me so tight, rubbed my back, empathised and I now have more faith in him being interested enough to support me.

The other thing I did was not tell him stuff (I tell him more now) and he felt left out wondering what was going on at the sessions. This was the hardest bit.

Hope you have a good weekend.

ADQ

[twoisplenty]

You gave me something to think about, ADQ. This morning I decided that I would talk to dh tonight about the counselling and the effect it's having on me.

I won't need to go into detail, but just to explain what emotions are coming up, and what the end result is going to be (ie better, much better relationship with my dh).

I thought of a good way to explain the ed, I think. That food, to me, is so frightening. It's a bit like asking someone to grab a huge tarantula and put it on their head/face. Food is that scary to me. Getting the fork to my mouth is just like reaching out to that tarantula.

What do you think? Does that sound right? Or am I mad?!

He needs to know that it' just a coping mechanism from childhood. That will be difficult to explain, but I suppose it is no different to someone choosing alcohol to blot out pain.

I will let you know how it goes.

[twoisplenty]

Oh, and yes, I do believe I now know what the "heart of the matter" is. It came to me two weeks ago (funnily enough, just when the ed came back with a vengeance...) I think once it is out in the open, I will initially feel worse (very worrying) before I start to heal it.

I think there is more to it than that one matter, but it is the main thing, my first traumatic experience in childhood. I finally realised the impact it had and the significance of it to how I function (or not!) today.

[adelicatequestion]

Wow, that's really encouraging.

I like your analogy of the spider. It will be somethign he can relate to and visualise.

It's really good that you see the benefits although the pain to get there will be hard, I'm sure the more you share with dh the more he will understand and help.

Good luck and hope it all goes well.

ADQ