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Mental health

normal or PND?

10 replies

feelingalittlelost · 19/10/2009 16:05

Hi, just not really sure where to go from here, so I thought I'd write down bits about how I've been feeling. I have ds1 19months and ds2 nearly 4 months old, and supportive dh (not with housework unless nagged however!) he doesn't really know how I'm feeling, he's been working 6/7 days a wk, 7am til atleast 5/5.30pm. If he has a Sun off work he usually plays football so is out of the house 9.30am until 1 pm, so on an average wk we have a Sun afternoon to spend together as a family. He plays football on a Mon and Thurs night too, although only usually out of house for 1hr as 6-aside games. I'm exhausted, stressed and feel like I'm not coping at all. i feel like everything is spiraling out of my control. I haven't had a min to myself for 4 months. I start on a Mon trying to be positive, we'll get out to this toddler group so ds1 can run about etc, but we never get there, the wk goes on like this and it gets to Fri and the only time I've really been out of the house is to drop ds 1 at nursery 2 mornings a wk. I plan a weekly food menu but don't get round to cooking anything so we end up eating beans on toast or something else very quick (which makes me v sad). I have no motivation, the house is always a mess, i can't keep on top of it. The mornings and before dinner is the worst, it takes so much effort to get out to go somewhere we just don't go. ds2 is bf and is sleeping for a maximum of 4 hours in one go at night, followed ny feeding every 1/2hrs after. He likes to be held a lot. I don't have any negative feelings towards dc, i love them with everything, i feel constant guilt that I'm not being good enough. I've started crying quite a bit. I spend most of my time sitting around the house playing with dc / feeding/ just keeping on top of keeping us clean and fed. i keep obsessing about what I'm going to retrain as and have as a career, a few wks ago a midwife, last wk a secondary school teacher, when I'm currently finalising my diploma in nutritioal medicine. I have clinic all weekend next wkend and I'm dreading it, I have nothing to wear, confidence is going etc. We were having good days but these are now getting less and less. I thought it was just normal with having a baby but it's an excuse I can't use now as ds2 is nearly 4 months old. I'm unhappy with the way I look, but don't have the motivation to eat well. I get angry with dh and shout at him, I feel he doesn't understand what my life's like, he works hard but i work harder feelings etc. We usually argue when he gets home, then I calm down, then i feel 'normal' again when he's at home, everything seems much easier then, i can laugh then and think positively about the next day, but then I wake up.

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reikizen · 19/10/2009 16:15

I'm not saying it isn't PND because everyone is different but I can honestly say it sounds pretty much like my life when I was on maternity leave. I don't cope very well with being a SAHM and was desperate to get back to work after dd2. You are tired and it is boring, that would make anyone cry . Please seek advice from GP or health visitor if you need to but stop being so hard on yourself, what do you expect? You have really long days of (in my experience) bloody hard, boring work with no real company. You are entitled to feel down.

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flakecake · 19/10/2009 18:53

Hi, I think you should try and get out to some of those baby groups, give your day some structure. Remember, it's good for you and the kids. You mentioned your diet, you will feel low if you do not eat properly, so try and have something nutitious each day. Maybe talk to health visitor about this.

Are you alone all day? When my dd was a baby I used to fear being alone yet fear being with people. But I got out because I knew the interaction would be good for her. And because at the time I was so poor...a nice body spray and lipstick would be a treat. Get dressed up and go and see all the other hard-up mums down the park at lunch time!

Or maybe you just need to go back to work part-time?

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Bexybear · 20/10/2009 14:08

hi feeling

Sounds like pnd as i remeber it but you have got 2 kids under two and you are at home all day Its really really hard.

what struck me is how little responsibility your DH seems to be taking for the kids even if you say he is supportive and how little time you are getting for yourself - you spend the week stealing time to think about your career and then feeling guilty and getting understably frustrated with DH

Can you gently get DP to take over on sunday afternoons for a couple of hours so you can have some time off (and leave the house so he is in charge)? - he needs to understand what things are like for you on a daily basis. Does he do tea bath and bed with them? does he cook for you? He should be doing seom of this even if he is working. I realise that means less family time but he is not helping there by playing 5 hours of footy a week - what do you get to do for yourself for 5 hours every week? can you take an evening a week to go to a class or see friends? Can you get a cleaner?

Hope that doesnt sound to harsh on your DH and perhaps i dont know all the facts - Of course you should go and talk to your GP and you may well be prescribed ADs but I just get a sense that there are practical changes that could help you too.

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feelingalittlelost · 21/10/2009 22:49

Thank you all for your feedback. This week has definately been a bit better, but I have put a huge amount of effort in. DH took Sunday off completely so we had a family day and went for a walk in the woods and park etc! Believe it or not that's the 1st time we've done that since DS1 was born 19 months ago I mentioned it to my DH and I think it shocked him to realise too. He's just been soooo focused on improving himself at work and earning extra money etc I don't think he ever noticed. I really felt sooo much better by the end of the day. Which then motivated me to make myself get out each day, which i have managed so far. Also I cooked decent meals last night and tonight. Catch-22 though - go out with dc's to groups etc, cook dinner = house a complete tip!

I really can't wait to get back out to work for the stimulation, however I couldn't go back just yet, I would feel just too guilty. Also breasfeeding so would be difficult. But by the time March/April comes I'm sure we'll be ready for part time work of some kind.

Bexybear - unfortunately DH doesn't take any parental responsbility. He will bath/bed DS1 a few nights a week if I ask but he moans about it every so often! He never cooks. And makes me feel as though it's my responsibilty to do everything. I am going to look into getting out to an exercise group or something a couple of nights a week.

Whilst I'm in a better frame of mind I can see all of the many practical changes that can be made, but it's managing to set them. Especially with DH!

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flakecake · 24/10/2009 21:28

Hi, i am glad that there has been improvement for you this week. That's really good. I know it's boring at home, but just take one day at a time. Have a good week.

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June2009 · 25/10/2009 19:59

just thought i'd say I feel the same and I only have 1 dd of 4 months old.

I think being down is related to my pill (micronor) and I'm going to gp to change it tomorrow.
Also spoke to a friend of mine whose ds is also 4 months old and she was also down last week because he is not sleeping very well at all and she is also tired.
my dd has not slept for more than 2o minutes since this morning 3:30am. I have started work again (from home) and juggling everything is a mental struggle.

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Oblomov · 26/10/2009 09:48

Well, I would just like to say, and this is ONLY, MY opinion, but I don't think that it is PND at all.
NOT AT ALL.
PND is very serious, but if you actually examine what is going on here, you can see that the main thing is that you are tired and exhausted and want to/feel that you should be/ it would also be better if you could do more/ get out more.
But sometimes even getting out is such a struggle.

I know, because I had a very difficult ds2, who was awake screaming for on average 6 or 7 hours of the night, a stroppy ds1 who had just started school. And I was given AD's which didn't work. My new Gp said I was struggling due to sleep deprivation and was not depressed.

Do the Edinburgh test to confirm you are / are not depressed.

Struggling is/can be different to depression. Depends if you have tangible/actual problems that need to be overcome.

And you have had good advice. and together if we really analyse, really think about what is bothering you - your own expectation of what you think you should be doing / lack of support or is that that you are cross with dh for not 'getting you' being able to see what is going on with you - because I felt a bit of that.

Anyway, we are here to help you with that, if we can.

But if you want to talk to your hv or gp, please do so.

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Oblomov · 26/10/2009 10:00

I know how hard it is to implement changes. Like you know you should be eating better, which will make you feel better, but in the end you just reach for the crisps.
I think you need social interaction. PNG and free sing along play at library was good for me.
You need simple tasty meals that don't take long. What about ...... something like....sausage casserole - pack sausages, bag of casserole veg - onions, carrots, etc from any supermarket - in the oven - jobs a good'an.
Might that help?

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Oblomov · 26/10/2009 10:08

Force yourself to get up and dressed. Plan some dinner, prepare it in the morning.
It is incredible how this makes a difference to your day.
Because if you are not careful you think , or may have done, as I did:

" shit, shit shit. its 3.30 pm, I'm still in my dressing gown, with the breakfast dishes still in the sink, no dinner and the place looks like a bombs hit it, and dh will be home in ...."
Or is it just me who though that then ?

But if you get yourself up, throw a washing machine load on, then the dinner thing stress is relieved - once you've prepp'ed it,and you think to yourself, well when dh comes home, even if there are toys all over the place, atleast I have a bit of dinner prepared and it doesn't look like i can't cope, as a snivelling wreck(after a long hard stressful day) in this bombsite.

HTH's