Mumsnet Talk

I have hit an all time low. Have been on AD's for 10 days which has got me out of the extreme depths of despair but am still not feeling great. (I know it can take time for the AD's to work properly) I just can't envisage ever feeling properly better. Find it hard to look into the future and feel positive about it. Some days I think I should never have had children even though I love them dearly, because I don't view myself as a fit mother at the moment and they deserve so much better. I know the depression is talking, this isn't me, it's like I've been invaded by some awful thing that is out of my control. I just want to get on track, to enjoy my children who I love with all my heart, to get my relationship with DH back which has suffered through this. Am so worried that this is how I'll be forever. Does it get better?

I feel so for you choklit, depression is a terrible illness. You will feel better, you are taking steps to improve things - AD's. Hopefully they will work better over the next few weeks. Do you have a sympathetic GP whom you can talk to?

How many children do you have? Did you get PND with each?

I'm sure you are being the best mother you can be at the moment, but it must be very hard.

chok - how old are the DC, you will get through it. Not experiened PND myself but have fiends who went through it and are fine now x

DC's are 4,2 and 6 weeks. I had antenatal depression during the recent pregnancy(and received treatment) which has led to the most awful PND. I had no idea PND felt this bad, it seems to have crippled me. I do have a wonderful GP but can't seem to bring myself to make an appt to see her. I know I must. I also have a lovely counsellor I saw during the pregnancy and again I can't call her for an appt. I just can't pick up the phone, I know it sounds ridiculous. I am battling on with the ADs in the hope they will make me feel better eventually.

To feel at all better after only 10 days is great choklit

Don't worry too much about the future (easy said, I know), just focus on the positive step you've already taken by getting the ad's, and the fact that you're starting to feel better. It does take a while for them to kick in properly, but it WILL happen.

For me, I think it took about 6 months on ad's to feel fully myself, then another couple of months to get up the courage to start reducing meds, maybe a year and I was off meds and feeling 'normal'. Everyone's different though, so don't stress it. Just focus on the fact that today is a bit better than yesterday, and you have the tools you need to get through this. xx

crikey choklit, 3 children under 5 are bloody hard work, full sympathy to you. very good to hear you have a lovely GP and counsellor, would your dh make you an appointment?

Are you in the UK? Do you have supportive wider family near to help with the children? I think one of the tricky things with depression is that you can feel like you are having a good day (and therefore getting better) and then suddenly take a bit of a slide backwards. This is all very normal and part of the road to recovery.

Oh Choklit, I'm so sorry for you.

Yes, yes, yes it does get better.

I had antenatal depression with my second pregnancy and PND when my daughter was born. I hated every second of being her mother. When I convinced myself I was better (I was not), I rationalised the fact that I didn't love her by thinking "she's a different person to my Son - it's not unusual to love one of them much less - he's just nicer than her; she hates me so how can I love her?"

So it was pretty bad, even when it was good.

Then she got septicaemia and her circulation crashed twice, so then I was also terrified of losing her and at the same time didn't want the responsibility of looking after her if she was going to do strange and unpredictable things like nearly dying.

Anyhow - fast forward a bit and a lot of drugs and help and treatment and sleeeeep; (it's so damned hard not to be depressed when you're that sleep deprived) and OMG, she is the most amazing child who ever walked the face of the Earth. She has the best ever smile and her cuddles are the warmest; she so sensitive to other peoples upset and comforts them and I love her even more. Oh yes, and did I mention she's a genius? because she's clearly a genius .

Seriously though, the love I feel for her now is every bit as intense and brilliant as what I feel for my son (he's ace too by the way). Occasionally I catch my breath with her because there was a time when I never, ever thought I'd feel this way about her.

Yes, yes, yes it does pass.

For now - is there anyone around who can help for even just a bit? If someone can help take you older ones out so that you can have some calm skin on skin time with baby? Though breastfeeding didn't work out for me being naked together was incredibly soothing.

And please read the posts above; sensible and sound advice there. And take your time.

Hi Chocklit,
Yes, it does get better. I have found it can take a long time. I used to feel like I should not have entered the world of motherhood...it felt like an unending nightmare for a while...not being one hundred per cent. But now my daughter is five and she is the light of my life.

Get out as much as you can. Try and get a nursery place, maybe through your Health visitor- good for you and the kids. And remember, where there is life there is hope.

How are you now Chocklit? Do post if you need any support. I hope the AD's are continuing to help.

Best wishes x

How are you now Chocklit? Do post if you need any support. I hope the AD's are continuing to help.

Best wishes x

thank you everyone for your posts. I've had MIL staying, which has been both a huge help and a strain (putting on a front, pretending I'm fine, but didn't do a particularly good job at hiding it!)
Am now back to just me (with DH at work during the day) and I'm finding it so hard.

The ad's have worked to a degree but I'm still not feeling right although constant morbid thoughts have subsided now.

Have finally left a message to make an appt to see the counsellor I was seeing during my recent pregnancy.

But I still find it hard to believe this will pass and I will feel 'normal'. I now feel ok but extremely flat.It's so inspiring to read your posts, and how you have come out of it the other side. Thanks for your support it means so much as I am finding it imposssible to speak to anyone in RL about it.

I got PND with my second dc while planning to emigrate. Clearly it was all a bit too much and I too had morbid thoughts. My GP in the UK was fantastic though and really helped, not least by convincing me that it wasn't too late for me to be suffering it (ds was 5 months old at the time). It does get better, and the flatness you feel is probably just the drugs sheering off the edges of your worst emotions.
Have you tried maybe keeping a diary? That way you can look back and see your own progression. Give yourself time and space to feel better too. You will get there.

I just don't understand what is going on? I have been taking AD's for about 5 weeks now and expected to feel better than I do.
Some days I am ok and then other days it feels like the bottom has fallen out of my world, I withdraw completely, cry, at other times feel numb, I am consumed with death and awful thoughts etc.
How long does it take for the AD's to work? Or is it a case of needing to up the dosage?

Can anyone explain the path that PND takes? I just don't get it. I am still on the AD's. I feel better than I did, but after 9 weeks or so I am still not 'better'. I am still so up and down, flat, negative thoughts creep in, I can't see a real future, it doesn't take much to knock me off balance etc etc, I feel I am surviving in an ok-ish way but constantly struggling if that makes sense.......? Is this how PND affects you even when on the AD's? I thought the meds would make me feel better within myself than I do. I do have times when I also feel quite good but it's as if it is just masking everything that is lurking beneath the surface. I think about leaving my chldren at the Dr's or a hospital and just running away (I wouldn't do that but such awful thoughts invade my day).
Can anyone help?

I don't know but I'd like to. I've been on ADs since DD was 11 weeks and she is now 22 months. Every time I try to come off them it all comes flooding back. In fact I'm now on a higher dose than I was earlier this year. I came off them over the summer and it left me worse than ever.

When does PND become bog standard depression (she says glibly...)?

I had pnd after the birth of my dd who is now 6. I left it for so long because I could'nt/would'nt talk to anyone.I finally saw my GP when my dd was about 6 months and she prescribed anti d's, the first lot did not reduce the dreadful feelings or anxiety I had so I was swapped onto a different brand. They did work, sometimes you have to fiddl around with brands/dosage for a little while.
Difficult as it is try to be honest with your GP, the feelings that you are having perhaps indicate that the meds are not working as well as should be expected.
There are other options, did you ever manage to get back to see your counsellor? Just having someone to talk to can be such a great help and used in conjunction with ad's can be really useful.
Are you able to talk with anyone else about how you really feel?
Thinking of you and hoping that things will work out for you very soon.

i think you should be proud of yourself for feeling better. It is probably all down to you. AD normally take up to a month to have any real effect,so maybe you have already turned the corner.

Hi Choclit. like you I took meds, felt some improvement, but still v flat, some terrible days etc.

However, my dosage was increased (after my sister and dad helped me go back to doctors). Is now 4 months later and I'm feeling much better - it's been small steps forward, then some steps back then some steps forward again.

In last 2 weeks actually started feeling actively happy for nearly all of the time. It's a massive improvement and when I have a low day, I can look back, I can see just how much better it was than before, and know that if I survived that then I can certain get through a bad day now. The next day is a new start and is ready to be enjoyed.

I really hope you carry on feeling better and better, and just hang on to the fact that on the whole it's going in the right direction, even if it isn't the quick fix the doctors led me to beleive.

Hi Choklit

Hope you are ok.

Don't know if its much help but I wasn't diagnosed with PND (and PTSD) until my dd was 15 months. That was 9 months ago. I was given citalopram and I also went to see a counsellor and I think that the 2 things together eventually worked. As I had left it so long it seemed to take a lot to bring me back "up" if you know what I mean. I've only just started to feel like me in the last couple of months.

I agree with tadjennyp - try writing a journal - my counsellor suggested this and i found it helpful. I still write in it occasionally but when I look back at what I wrote to begin with I can see that I have made progress.
Hang in there - it will get better soon x