Its all just so hard, I don't know how to cope with it all. I feel my son would be better off without me already and he's not even here yet. I'm bound to fuck it all up. I have no idea what I'm doing. How am I supposed to do this? As much as my partner will support me and him, and love us both, five days a week he won't be around - it'll be me dealing with everything. Once my parents go back to work, it will be just me and the baby, and I have no idea how I'll cope. I'm so frightened. Part of me wishes this wasn't happening, and then I feel like a total bitch for feeling like that. How horrible and cruel can you get?
I'm sick of being in physical pain, part of me wants to scream that its just not fair - I was already ill and already in constant pain, seems so cruel that I have to be suffering from SPD as well.
My partner is being distant, and I have no idea why. I only found out the other week just how low he was feeling recently, and it wasn't him that told me, it was drunken comment made by a friend. So now every time I don't hear from him for a few hours, I'm panicking, wondering if he's feeling that bad again. I don't want to be paranoid, or annoying. I don't want him to break up with me because I'm being possessive, but I'm really scared for him.
Things at home are getting worse by the day. I can hardly stand being here for a single moment. How am I supposed to bring my son up in a place where there are constant arguments? But I can't live by myself - I'm so frightened that once my meaning to stay alive and stay safe - having my baby inside of me - I'll loose my will to live entirely. There won't be any physical reason why I shouldn't kill myself. Hell, its tempting enough now.
Besides, the baby would be so much better off without me.
It hurts so much, mentally and physically.
I hate myself. I want it all to stop. I trully hope my baby turns up as soon as it is safe so I can just disappear.
No one would miss me anyway. I've let down everyone by being ill, and now being pregnant. Its not what anyone wanted. Its not even what I wanted.
Why won't these damn thoughts just STOP. I want them to go away. I wish I was fucking normal.
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Mental health
Want to just curl up and cry
6 replies
ErikaMaye · 01/09/2009 23:44
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