Please talk to me - on a downward spiral again

[Mithered]

Am feeling absolutely shocking today. Sat here crying my eyes out and feel like I can't talk to anyone in RL about everything spiralling downwards again.

Had EMDR and on Venfalaxine and was feeling on an even keel for the first time in a long time but then started back to work in March.I have DS 3.2 and DD 14 months and in a fairly demanding job which is shift work.

I was managing to go out for a run 3 times a week which was really helping but I have stopped going. I am finding it really hard to juggle everything and am losing my will to live at the moment. Its just so bloody hard.

[HolyGuacamole]

Bump

[peanutbrittle]

aaah mitered you poor old thing - I think you need to get back to your GP for a chat and a meds review

what is EMDR? are you having any "talking therapies" to help get to the root of things? The shift work must be hard as it upsets natural rythms PLUS makes taking any meds slightly tricky

am not familiar with venfalaxine - is it an anti-D?

do you have anyone in RL you can confide in at all? I know how hard it is to say anything but it might help...

hope you feel better soon, remember, they WILL go away again, these feelings...they won't be forever (dunno if that helps, helps me sometimes)

[Mithered]

I am going back to GP in the morning for meds review. Not seen her for a couple of months. I have been VERY up and down but I know that periods are really affecting me so am going to have a chat with her about that.

EMDR really worked for a lot of the root cause of why I am depressed (family issues) but I don't know why I feel like this now.

Venfalaxine is an anti-D. I was on Seroxat many years ago and then this time round I was on another one but I can't remember the sodding name of at the moment.

I just feel so useless that I am back in the place again. Whats the point if I just end up back here again

[windswept]

Hi mithered, really feel for you is there anyway you can cut down the amount overall that you are doing?

It does seem you have taken alot on, and i too suffer from depression, i am not on any meds though, but when it was really bad i read lots and lots of self help books, but i dont know if you would have time for that with having small children.

I was meant to go back to the priory (My job pays for private health care)but i cancelled because like you it feels like groundhog day all over again doesnt it. Your meds mite need adjusting. But on a positive note these things eventually run their course. My dh has told me when i am down just accept that it is a part of my personality and just try and ride it out. hope this helps xxx

[ErikaMaye]

Hey there,

You poor thing, it sounds as if everything is just a bit too much right now. In refernece to what you've last said - Don't feel useless. You're ill, its not your fault. Would you be feeling bad for not being able to run a marathon if you had two broken legs? Its okay to have down patches, and it does not make you a bad person.

If you haven't got the time to take up running again (although I would definately advocate it if you have!) maybe you should consider yoga / pilates. It really helped me just after I was discharged from my physc. unit, and was a great alternative to running for me after I became disabled.

I hope you have a good support GP who you can be entirely honest with. Remember that being in that dark place, under that heavy cloud, is not your fault, and it doesn't make you useless, worthless, a failure, or any of the other things you may be feeling right now. The fact you want to change it shows you are quite the opposite.

Stay strong; if you can't talk to anyone in RL, please feel free to message me your email address and I'll communicate with you. I know how helpful it is sometimes to talk to someone you don't know particularly.

Let us know how you get on in the morning, will be thinking of you. x

[weegiemum]

Mithered - not sure what to say - I also am in an awful up-and-down phase of a recurrent depressive illness.

But wanted to say hi, and you are not alone. I'm back at the psych in a fortnight, wondering what on earth to say to her, tbh !!!

[windswept]

weegiemum, Oh doesnt it feel like it will never go away when it comes back. Its a rotten thing isnt it. I never realised until i joined this site (I GO ON ANXIETY ONE)just how many women feel like me. I can be fine for a while then things start to build up family issues etc.. disappointments,memories of a bad childhood and b4 you know it you are back in that horrible swamp.

i have had a particularly bad week too. But these chats pick me up and realise i am not alone.

[Mithered]

Sorry I had to leave last night but DS woke up and DH was out so again it was up to me to sort him out. It does feel better to know I am not alone and I can be more open about my feelings when writing them down I think.

I find it difficult to articulate how I feel sometimes as I have bottled my feelings up for so many yeas. I have written down a few things to chat to GP about (that was in the early hours of this morning when i couldn't sleep)

I am prioritising work, DC, house, garden, shopping, DH in fact everything over me and my health and I know that unless I look after me no one else will. I think I was hoping that DH would take more responsibility when I went back to work which he promised he would do. It looks like I will have to give it to him which I am disappointed about.

I really do feel like running away from it all at the moment though.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

Hi Mithered,
I am in the middle of EMDR treatment, and my lovely lady has said that I will be aware in the future that I have taken on too much as things like anxiety/depression will be a gentle pat on the shoulder reminding me that I have gone past the limit.

If you can, I feel you should sit with your DH and try to work things out dividing things up. He probably thinks you are doing really well, but the reason why you were doing well before is because all the other stuff hadn't piled back on top.

If the list of priorities that you have written, none of the things work unless you are well. so you really do need to be top of the list.

If you could make an arrangement with DH that perhaps you go out for a run literally as he walks in through the door so he takes over charge of getting the children to bed 3 nights a week and you get some you time.

sorry for the essay, You don't need to run away from your life, no matter how much it feels like it. Did you have to develop safe places when you went through EMDR? Can you find time to get away for 10 minutes just to focus on your safe place and rebalance your thoughts?

[ErikaMaye]

I hope your doctors appointment went well, chuck.

Its quite natural to want to run away from everything - and thats not because you're struggling, thats because you're human, and we're not built to deal with everything all the time!

Something that helped me - get lost in a fantasy. Create a story line, characters, and each day, just have them do something different. Something extreme, prehpahs something you'd like to do yourself; rock climbing, sky diving, having a famous friend. Anything. Just make it entirely different from whats happening in your life right now. (Be careful though, if you have an addictive to your personaility.)

I really hope your DH will start to help you out a bit more, what you need right now is people there for you. Thing is, if we don't ask for help, sometimes people just can't see that we're struggling.

Big hugs to you all. x

[Mithered]

Hi Greyskull - how are you finding your EMDR?
My GP has upped my meds so am on double dosage. Had a shocking day at work yesterday which is normally where I can function and put on a brave face.

DH has been much better the last couple of days and has offered to have the children so I can go for a run. However because I do shift work its not always as easy as saying I can go 3 times a week on certain nights plus DH has heart condition so he has to go to gym.

I am going to sit down tonight with DH and look at all the jobs I do and ask him to take responsibility for some of them. I did ask him a while ago to take over the finances which he hasn't done so will give him that to start with.

In relation to the safe place for EMDR I had a hypno CD to calm me down which I haven't been using so I did that last night and will get back in the habit of listening to.

[ByThePowerOfGreyskull]

I am finding the EMDR hard work, I know I have to face the things that have taken me there but it hurts so much.
I have serious stuff todo with my safe place, at the moment when we get into dealing with my issues I am finding it really hard to get out of it when I am in it.

As far as I understand it the things like your CD are supposed to be there to support you in harder times for as long as you want. I do hope being able to get as calm as possible will help you handle other things.

As for handing things over to DH you are absolutely right, can you do like a work handover with him, give him responsibility but also physically give him stuff, the file, the passwords for the account or what ever and let him know that you aren't even going to think about it anymore. Don't take it back if he isn't doing things exactly the same way you do.

Sorry gone for an essay again.. if you ever want to chat more you know where I am.

[ErikaMaye]

Glad your doctor took you seriously, Mithered, and hope that the upped dosage will start to help you sooner rather than later.

Good luck with your chat tonight, if you want to talk about it afterward we're all here No one can be expected to handle everything by themselves, chuck.

Hugs to you both, hope things start to look up soon.

[Mithered]

Greyskull - I remember my EMDR being very painful but at the moment where it all clicked I felt fantastic. And it lasted for a while. I think I have just been expecting too much of myself recently although slightly worrying when suicidal thoughts pop up again.

Have avoided having the "chat" with DH about responsibilities. Am too emotionally exhausted today to discuss anything
I still feel like a failure and am hoping the tablets will improve things.

Thank you so much for your support. I am seeing a RL friend tomorrow so may confide in her. I feel so much better being able to talk to you on here though

[tigerbear]

Hello Mithered,
Have you had therapy? Sorry, I don't know what EMDR is - can you explain?
I had a few therapy sessions last year, and found them very helpful. However, it does sound like you simply have too much to cope with- something has to give.
My therapist told me that depression is basically a loss of control - or feeling like you can't control things - and I really believe that. So I guess that the easiest way to deal with depression is to try not to worry about the things we really cannot control, and delegate the things we can.
Easier said than done, I know.
Believe me, it will pass (although it might not seem that way right now), you will come through it, and things will be ok.
I do know how hopeless things feel sometimes - especially if your DH is supportive but doesn't fully understand depression - I think if you haven't personally been through it, it must be very hard to be supportive to someone else. Most people think it's a case of 'pull yourself together', but we know the reality is far from that. Take of yourself, and continue to let us know how you are doing. It does help to know of others who have been in similar situations.

[Mithered]

Hi tigerbear,

I have had counselling previously through NHS and privately which put a patch on things but never really got to the root of the problem.

EMDR is here which I had earlier this year. I really felt tons better although I was taking AD's too. I was still on mat leave then and managing to get time for myself. I have very low self esteem and basically prioritise everything and everybody over me which I know is one of the reasons I am back down here.

I do feel better today, not as tearful. I also think some of it is link to my hormones as my periods are very heavy and I always feel worse around period time. I also only have a 23 day cycle but don't want to take anything hormone based again ie pill, coil etc etc which I have tried before to regulate it. I am trying agnus castus now on recommendation of GP who is great.

I think I feel worse because EMDR is quite a painful therapy and often described as a last resort. As I have been through it and thought I was better I am worried if I go back down again, where do I go from here? I really thought this was it yet only a few months later I am back to square one. The only positive thing is that I know I can get out of it iyswim

[tigerbear]

Hi Mithered, how are you feeling today?
I just read about EMDR. Without knowing your full background and experience, its hard to know what to recommend. Even though the EMDR is painful and traumatic, perhaps you really need to go back to it, to revisit things fro your past that you haven't fully dealt with yet? My last therapist told me that it is OK to feel down from time to time, even if you have been through therapy and feel 'better'.
It just comes as a shock doesn't it, when you have felt better, told everyone around you that you're ok now, etc, only to feel back to square one...

[Mithered]

Hi
Am back in work now and shouldn't be on here but am feeling very spaced out with the increased meds and can't concentrate. I did go to bed early though last night and had had a glass of wine but apparently didn't hear DD coughing in the night. I ALWAYS hear her but DH apparently got up with her as I was fast asleep. However I was awake from about 3am when it was light.

I managed to clean DD's bedroom yesterday which has been bugging me for ages so feel a bit better about that. I also rang up to get a quote for a one off clean just to get myself straight. I have got a 3 bed house and they wanted £140! It would be cheaper to put DC in nursery for an extra day and do it myself!

That sounds quite positive that I am thinking about cleaning the house. However DH and I were supposed to be going to a party on Sat night and MIL was going to babysit. I just couldn't face it. I stayed in and DH went (it is his friend) However he got very drunk and I was awake half the night. This also meant that I didn't have a lie in all weekend and got up at 5.45 both mornings. He is away this coming weekend so again I will be dealing with DC on my own.

[ErikaMaye]

Sorry I haven't been around, had a rough patch and didn't think I could be of much use.

Just wanted to pop by, and after reading your post, you should be so proud of yourself for doing so well. Give the meds a little time to kick in - the first weeks are always a bit rough. Don't feel bad about not hearing your DD, she's your husbands responsability as well, and she's fine, so that's not a problem

Go you for cleaning, thats brilliant!! I can never face so much as hanging up my clothes sometimes, so I'm jealous

Don't worry about the party - we went out to one as well and had to leave after about two hours because I was freaking out. Wish we hadn't gone, to be honest.

I hope things are feeling a bit clearer for you today. x

[Mithered]

Hi Erika-
Thanks for reading and posting. I know what you mean that when you are feeling down yourself I don't want to post on other people's threads.

I really don't think I am doing well at all. Have lost my brief enthusiasm for cleaning The meds are making me feel very lethargic and spaced out. I haven't got much energy - doesn't help when DC are getting up at 5am.

How are you feeling today?

[ErikaMaye]

Poor you, I can imagine that a 5am start is pretty much the last thing you need right now.

I dunno quite how I'm feeling - was in a fab mood earlier, but now not so much. All the craziness has kinda gotten to me. On top of it all, I had a meeting today to hand over from CAMHS to the Adult Recovery Team, and as much as it went possitively, its going to upset the balance and I don't like that.