this will sound mad. i have NC as I dont want to out myself, am a regular, hairy truckers, bats, mooncup etc
necessary background: I have a chronic pain condition. very bad. very bad pain. there is a possibility of this ending in death not from the condition but the symptoms of the condition can be similar to something that resembles aneurysm which my Dad had and only barely survived. He has the same chronic pain condition. My pain is usually bearable but still constant and sometimes I think I am going to pass out or fall over or just... something, but I dont. I think I am dependent on co-codomal. But it isnt working as well as it did.
Last few days I feel, literally do feel, truly, a shadow right behind me. I feel death behind me. I dont mean it melodramatically, I would swear on what is dearest to me that I really feel this. I feel as if I have been told I have a week or a year left and that is it, I know it. When I pour a drink or brush my hair or anything I feel this awful creeping cold shadow just waiting for me.
Set against the background I am a very happy person and am not depressed just generally thoughtful. But this is new ground for me and I am scared. I am scared its real that I am not mad and this feeling is accurate. I dont know what to do. I dont want to die but I feel this total inevitability about it. I want to stay with my DC.
I dont watch horror films or read scary books. I am not that way inclined. I do not have any religion. I am generally very open minded in that I do believe much that others dont and dont believe much that others do. But I am not really... mad. I mean I am a normal person insofar as that is possible.
But I feel a literal shadow of death just behind me and I am scared. Can it be possible?
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Mental health
I think this qualifies me for insane, but I am sure I am right.
43 replies
sheneversaidit · 27/05/2009 01:42
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