Please tell me i'm not going mad!

[welshmoomin]

I'm terrified I'm going mad. DS1 is 2 and a half and DS2 is 8 months. Got really down when DS1 was 6 months but was told it wasn't PND as I didn't want to harm DS and that PND was supposed to happen within weeks of having the baby. Talked to HV and felt better within a few weeks.

This time however, I'm so worried I'm not going to to get better. Kids and DH up Mother-in-laws and will be back any min. I'm dreading them coming home though. I'm so worried I wont be able to cope. I'm crying as I write this as I know how bad I sound. I can just see my DH rolling his eyes but trying to be sympathetic as I inevitable burst into tears the min he walks in and leave him to do all the work with the boys.

We're expecting visitors this evening who we haven't seen for ages and I just can't face it. I can't motivate myself to eat leave alone sort the house out and get it all ready for them. I'm letting everyone down but just can't seem to lift myself out of this.

Please somone tell me it's going to be ok as all I can see is doom and gloom.
x

[nevergoogledragonbutter]

It is all going to be ok.
Honestly.
But you do sound like you need to speak to your GP about depression.
I was diagnosed with depression at 1 year post birth with both children.
It makes no difference whether it's PND or just plain old depression, you still need help.

You know you don't have to have your friends round this evening.

If it were me, i'd call them and say 'I'm really sorry, but I am tearing my hair out here, I am so fucking miserable that I think I need to speak to the doctor about it. Is there any chance we could postpone?'

Get it off your chest.

[welshmoomin]

Thank you so much, have just phoned and cancelled visitors. Thank god they were cool.

Do you mind me asking, what treatment you got from our GP? You are right, I need to get sorted. I just want to press a pause button, get myself sorted and then jump back into what is a really happy life. I love my DH and DSs and everything about my life, I just can't understand why I'm feeling like curling up into a ball and making it all go away.

Did you have ADs? Am scared of them for some reason - fear of the unknown I suppose.

Thank you so much for helping.
x

[welshmoomin]

P.S., I just googled dragon butter - it made me laugh for the first time in ages. Thanks for that - I needed it.
x

[nevergoogledragonbutter]

well done for cancelling tonight, good move.

the first time around i tried AD's that made me feel really ill, so after 3 weeks i gave them up. i never did feel any better from being on them. instead i removed other stresses like the job that didn't actually make any money once i'd travelled there and back and paid for childcare. I gave myself a 'holiday' for a while and did start to feel better before getting pregnant with DS2.

second time around i tried a different AD and apart from nausea and headaches for a few weeks, they did a good job. i was on them for 8 months. in that time, i got myself together, started sleeping well again and got back to work. this time going back to work was what i needed for some head space and self esteem boosting.

i've been off them for a few months now, and although i'm happy to not be taking them now, they did the job when i needed them to.

i totally get what you mean about wanting the world to stop for a minute to let you catch up. in fact this is the exact words i said to my GP.

once you've identified depression there are lots of ways you can help.

sleep
exercise
diet

look at all 3 of these.

sometime you can feel too low to deal with changes in diet and exercise and i think that's where the AD's helped for me.

and it doesn't mean you aren't happy with what you have. i really shouldn't get depressed but i do. don't beat ytourself up about it.

[welshmoomin]

You have no idea how much you have helped me today. You are so right, those are the three things that I've let slip the most (probably why I look like shit at the moment too).

Have been thinking about going back to work just so that I get some 'me' time but the whole child care cost keeps getting in the way and I was worried it would stress me out and make things even worse. Think I need to have a chat with family and see if they can support on a regular basis so that I could work a few days a week on a suck it and see basis.

Am seeing HV on Wed for DS2s 8mth check so will try and see doc at same time. I definitely need to do something as crying on the floor just because my beautiful family is coming home is not a good place to be. They deserve better too.

Thank you so much for your help. I really can't thank you enough.

[nevergoogledragonbutter]

that's what we're here for.

and no, crying on the floor is not a good place to be.

but you're not the first.



fwiw - i didn't know that's what my name meant when i chose it.