Is there anything that can help with this, long and sad

[IandJsMummy]

Not quite sure how to start this, I am having a really tough time and I think I need some help but I don't know where to go or who to speak to. I've written this and nearly deleted it, writing this and admitting to this is scary.

I am married and have two DC, who are 4 1/2 and 1 1/4. They are wonderful and so is my DH. I have a demanding career as a city lawyer, which I went back to 4 days a week 6 months or so ago. Since then, everything has become unmanageable. I feel I should be grateful for what I have but everything seems to be falling apart.

The main problem is work. Although I supposedly work 4 days a week, I am working between 50 and 60 hours a week. Its also high pressure with demanding clients and things in my team are tough so I don't feel I have enough support, so that everything is building up while I just firefight the stuff that I am being shouted at for. I can't cope anymore with it, but I am afraid of letting people down and if I am not there, the work doesn't go away, it either gets dumped on other people or (more likely) I have to do it from home while I am sick or it waits for my return.

On top of that, my DH has a job where he is away from home 50% of the time. I am very lucky and my mum helps me with collecting the children from nursery, but I still have to do everything when he's away, and then because I've left work early, I work all evening too. And because of the nature of his job, I am responsible for everything at home. When he is here, I can leave him lists and he will do stuff, but I have to manage and organise everything.

Then, my little DS has been ill all the time since I went back to work. He's ill again now and I'm so worried there is something really wrong with him. I'm so scared and I ended up in A&E with him today and I don't know whether its really that serious or if I am catastrophising because I am not coping.

I've got to the point where I am not coping with any of this, its all become too much and overwhelming. I cry all the time, and I cannot make decisions or organise myself anymore. I've got a big case on at work and I am afraid I will screw it up because its too much for me. I am rubbish at home and at work and I feel like I'm failing at everything.

I have no time for myself, on an average day I have hardly any time to myself and when I do have time I feel guilty because there is a mountain of stuff I should be doing and I'm not. I can't go to the gym, so I've put weight on, and I feel ugly and old. I've tried to buy clothes for work but I can't face trying anything on and shopping seems to make me cry. I don't know what suits me, I kind of feel like I don;t know who I am anymore. When I think about all this, my heart beats so fast and I feel sick or in tears.

I can't leave my job because I am the main breadwinner and I can't see how we can sell our house at the moment, so I feel completely trapped. DH has agreed we can plan to move, but its a long term aim and I don't know at the moment how I am going to make it through next week.

I know I am stressed, but I don't feel I can keep going. Is this depresion? Is there anything that can help? I am really hoping for some coping strategies if anyone has any. Would going to the GP help? I have name changed because I feel ashamed so please don't be horrible to me for being a new poster.

[andiem]

IJM I think my advice would be that you need to give yourself some breathing space to assess your life work balance
can you go the gp talk to them and get signed off sick for a week send the children to nursery and spend some time thinking about what you would like to happen and how you are going to achieve it
it sounds like you are in a panic all the time because of the pressure and you need to take some time out

[gothicmama]

break every thing down into bitesized chunks, delegate where you can. could dh make himself more available especially if you are main breadwinner. Also go to your gp for you and also to discuss your ds

[footballsgalore]

Bless you. You sound so sad. I couldn't let this go unanswered. I think all working Mums feel like you do at some point in our lives. Maybe you need to think is this a short term arrrg! because you have a lot on at the moment or is it a more permanent feeling?
We try to do so much for our DC's and our families that sometimes we have to admit that we can't do it all, all the time.

Is there anyone who could take some of the load off for a while till work calms down?
Can you leave the house work or even get a cleaner. All our standards drop when we have kids!
Can you hand over some of the organising to your DH? eg he pays bills...you get the shopping etc so you have less things to worry about overall.
Re your DS, can you get a GP appt for an overhaul, where you can discuss his illness and your concerns?
No idea if any of this is useful...just thinking off the top of my head!
HTH

[tattycoram]

You poor thing, that sounds so stresful. I think you should go to your GP. You will feel a lot better when you start to talk about how you feel in real life. Have you told your mum how you feel at all? Or close friends? Bottling things up always makes things worse. How is your ds now?

[tattycoram]

stressful

[IandJsMummy]

Thank you. I am definitely going to try and see the doctor. I'm making a list of things to raise, but I can't see any solutions.

Dh tries, I don't mean to be disloyal to him. I think its my fault for not delegating properly.

[andiem]

I think gothics tip about breaking everything down into chunks is a really good one
could you write lists about
work
home
dcs
dh
everything that needs to be done under each heading and what you want to do about it iyswim
also maybe look at your budget could you drop one day a week

[Louie1]

Hi I and J's mummy. I'm not surprised that you are feeling so low. From what you write, you are being expected to be some kind of super-woman. You've always achieved, people have always relied on you to come up to their mark, you've been the main salary earner - which I know is not easy on the woman, let alone the man!
When do you ever have any time for you? If DH is away 50% of the time, then he's also home 50% of the time too. Where is it written that you have to be some kind of super-hero and sacrifice your own health to please others?
I'm the main breadwinner in my family - something my MIL hates. I also have a very professional job and have reached the top of my profession. My husband, at short notice - we had actually taken the kids out to lunch, was called back into work and is still there now. It's really hard at times, but I now insist on some time for me. My husband takes the kids swimming for 1 1/2 hours on a Saturday - bliss!
Go and see your dr for someone to talk to BUT, reading your message, I would say that your reaction is completely normal. Instead of trying to please everyone else, do something for yourself occasionally. Also, and I find this very difficult, especially at work, say no, I'm very sorry, but if you want me to do xyz capably, then I'm too busy to take on abc as well.
I hope your family can help with chores, also, get in a cleaning lady if you can. I have weekends off - why should I spend 1/4 of my time cleaning the house when that's supposed to be me time with the kids? Now I come home on a Friday and the house is lovely for the weekend.
You can't do everything yourself and you shouldn't try to. Your children need a calm, relaxed Mum and you need a you that you like, that you know and that you feel proud of.
Take care of yourself - no-one else will. Don't try to be super-mum: she doesn't exist.

[MakemineaGandT]

You poor thing - here have a big hug ((())))). I completely understand - I am an ex-City lawyer myself, so TOTALLY understand what you are talking about. I'm not sure what the answer is - I just thought I'd reply to say that it's not you - it's the very stressful, exhausting and demanding circumstances you are in. You may be depressed, but quite possibly not - just knackered and fed up with the constant demands on you. It doesn't sound much fun. I expect you'll have a lot of replies along the lines of going more part time, getting your DH to help out more etc etc - however, I know that all of those suggestions are pretty useless - life just isn't always like that. I guess you have to just think about what you want. Do you enjoy your work? Do you harbour other ambitions? Would you ever want to be a full-time mum?

Anyway, chin up and don't panic. Nothing lasts forever and there are always other options open to you even if it doesn't feel like that at the time. You are doing a great job and you should be proud of yourself, not giving yourself a hard time. You don't have to be perfect - just good enough.

I really feel for you - I know that if I was still in my old job I would be feeling just the same.

[footballsgalore]

I suffer with...he'll never be able to do it the way I want it done so i'll do it myself...syndrome. DH is perfectly capable
but somewhat less precise than me (or is it anal!) I tend to think, I'll just get it done. This means I end up doing far more without him even realising it. Maybe you should list all the things that need to be done and divvy them up between you. Not in a 'you aren't doing enough' way but in an 'I really need your help' way. Does he know how you are feeling? Just being in it together instead of feeling that you're coping alone might help.

[IandJsMummy]

I kind of feel I'm not depressed, just overwhelmed and at breaking point. DH does understand and is listening and the whole supoerwoman thing is the real problem I think. I do have a cleaner. I think I have got to the point where I hate being away from my children so much and that's the real issue. I'm so tired and stressed I don't enjoy them.

I am going to do as suggested now and make a list of home and work, what has to be done and who is responsible, then try and find some flexible ways to get around it. I think I am going to try to raise it with one of the partners in my team too. She also works flexibly and does understand some of the stress (although she actually causes some of mine through her way of working) but I hope they may be able to help. I definitely need to say no a bit more.

Does anyone have any suggestions for alternatives to a 4 day week which might help. 4 days isn't really working, it just makes the day before unbearably stressful and then I spend the whole day either doing chores or running around after my DCs, which I do appreciate but which doesn't alleviate the stress. I wonder if something else would be better?

[MyEye]

Oh, you poor thing. Am glad you are going to the GP. Just reading about your life made me tense up. I can't imagine living it.

If you're sure that you have to keep working at this pace, it seems to me that you need serious backup at home. Could you think about switching from nursery to a nanny? -- someone who would take the strain with the kids, and who would also be willing to help out with the house: food shopping, cooking, kids' laundry, etc. Having someone at home for those emergencies when you have to stay late.

Might cost a bit more, but could ease things for you quite a bit.

[andiem]

I found 3 days the best solution for me 2 days at home one for me one for the dcs so they went to childcare for 4 days I worked for 3
saying that I have given up work now but I was not the major bread winner

[Colinfirth]

Could you become a PSL and do a genuine 4-day week and still earn enough to support your mortgage? Some law jobs just don't work part-time and some people don't want to be full-time plus when they have small children. Maybe that is where you are? Lots of sympathy. I know what it's like trying to do stressful job properly and cope with small children.

[footballsgalore]

Maybe you could change your working hours to 5 shorter days. Then collect the children early and try to do something nice a couple of days a week eg the park, zoo, cream tea...I think the hardest thing about working is having to constantly rush around. Getting up and out...nursery drop off...constantly watching the clock as you have to be back to pick up at certain times.
I assume your day off is tagged onto a weekend. How about making it mid week? Would that make any difference? My SIL reckons it gives her something to look forward to and then the end of the week is shorter!

Also, don't forget to try to have fun with the kids. You sound as if you are finding that a drag also. I know it's hard to focus on the joys of motherhood when they are wingeing and stropping, but it helps my positive outlook along if I can do something enjoyable with the DCs.

[SausageRoleModel]

It sounds like you are trying to do the impossible. If you are working 50-60 hours in 4 days you will be exhausting yourself anyway, so its no wonder that the rest of your life feels unmanageable.

Here are steps I might consider, in order of what I think the priorities are:

1. See GP and be HONEST with them about stress levels and anxiety. Anti-depressents may not take away the stress, but they may help keep you calm and enable you to cope with it.

1. Can you afford a mothers help/cleaner, or do you have a spare room for an au pair?. Even with a bit of help from your mum, if you are working 60 hr weeks and DH is away 50% of time that leaves you crazily overstretched for work/childcare/housekeeping. Any or all of the above will help you breathe and if you have space an au pair is only 80 quid a week. You need some practical help to do all these things (more than just nursery runs)

1. BREATHE!

1. Stop for a minute and ask yourself what you want out of life. I used to work and thrive in a high pressure long hours work environment, but I simply cant imagine going back to it now because I know I would not cope, for all the reasons you state (time/housework/pressure etc etc). Perhaps you and DH need to stop and take stock of both careers and figure out how you can do this better together for all concerned. If you are the main breadwinner could he go part time perhaps?

The fact is that you feel trapped by the circumstances you are in, but you do have the power to change those circumstances. Even if you have to sack off your job for a bit, or if you have to sell the house at less than you wanted, or you or DH go part time. Life will go on, and you will be OK. You are obviously an intelligent woman and you have become overwhelmed by pressure of work and domestic responsibilities. You realise that you are doing almost double most people's working hours in 4 days not 5? You are not superhuman! You need to give yourself a break. (and soon, not as a long term goal), so sit down with DH, explain how tou are feeling or let him read your post and work out a strategy.

By the way, if there are people out there working as hard as you, juggling the domestic chores you do and saying they find it easy, they are either lying, or have an army of staff.

[Colinfirth]

There are some old "city lawyers" thread that might be useful for ideas for managing the work or maybe moving sideways, if you do a search on "city lawyer". Also there are various folk - dinosaur, anniemac, others? - who have direct experience of that world and hopefully may happen along.

[Colinfirth]

here's one - make you feel less alone if nothing esle!

[Louie1]

IandJ's mummy, I hope you're feeling a little better - your message really worried me. I'm sure that every woman with a full-on professional job has been there - it's why I logged on tonight! We're expected to do more than is reasonably possible and made to feel as if we've failed if we don't quite come up to someone else's mark.
Do put aside some time for you, do get help with the housework and do realise that with not just the hours you're working, but the stress of your job as well, anyone would find it extremely tough going. It seems as though your feelings and reactions are completely normal to me.
Take care and hang on in there. Choose 3 small things that you are going to change this week and review what you've done this time next week. I'd be choosing for 2 hours to myself as my first target!
Best wishes -x-

[IandJsMummy]

Thanks. I ought to clarify I end up working every day so my 50=60 hours are spread over 7 days with most falling on my 4 working days. I don't work 60 hours over 4 days, that really would be horrific.

I'm going to take away all the good advice and try to come up with a strategy to see us through until we can move. Realistically, we need to do some stuff to our house to make it saleable and then hope for a quick-ish buyer. We hope to move in next year's school summer holidays as DD starts school in September and its not feasible to sell that fast. Damn the recession!!

PS, I am sorry to everyone who probably thinks we are lucky to have the money coming in and the choices. I know this, in a way it makes me feel even worse for not coping. I just want to be there for my children more and its not something I am willing to delegate. I am going to try to find a way to get DH to take on more stuff at home and I AM GOING TO SAY NO TO WORK. Its going to be so hard, but I feel they abuse my hard work and take me forgranted and enough is enough. I think it may be a good sign that I feel angry now, not just helpless!!

[footballsgalore]

Go for it!!!
Your life - You are in charge
Angry is good, it gets things done.
Best of luck x

[Directskiandsun]

I've only just seen this, and I'm sure you've had lots of helpful points, but I'd just say that your feeling "I am rubbish at home and at work and I feel like I'm failing at everything" resonates with me, and I'm sure with lots of us here.

Few men would be expected to carry as many roles as women do, do them all equally well, be a picture of health and well-being at all times, and never feel the strain, whilst floating around on a lavender-scented cloud.

You're absolutely doing the right thing by dealing with it before it completely capsizes you. Go for it and good luck at the doctors - x

[IandJsMummy]

Just to update, I did tell my boss I was unhappy and I spoke again to DH. He encouraged me to go to the doctor who prescribed me counselling and anti depressants this afternoon. Still feeling crap, but at least i have done something. Am scared about taking medicine so am going to see what people on here think about it.

Thanks again for listening.

[Directskiandsun]

What response did you get from your boss? Re:anti-depressants - I've never taken them, but I have two good friends who have, and they both felt the medication got them through (divorces in both cases, with children, so very stressful) without them 'feeling' drugged or less aware or any of the side-effects you may be concerned with. A slight word of warning though, as one friend began to feel better, more positive, had turned the corner etc., she stopped taking them - just like that! Came down with a thump - You apparently need to wean off them! Sure you would know that, but just in case!

Good luck - hope things get better

[IandJsMummy]

Thanks for the advice. Work continues to get worse and turns out DS is really sick. I think I am going to take the medicine and hope it helps, in a tiding me through kind of way. I feel embarrassed and kind of a failure but am trying not to see it like that. Why is it everything is all tough at the same time? (No need to answer, just a rhetorical question!)