I am f@cking miserable.

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

Sorry just had to get that out.

Had my 12 week scan for what would have been dc2 on dp's birthday last week,found baby died at 5 weeks but sac etc kept growing so I never stopped feeling pg.

Had erpc under gen anaesthetic on fri so at least no longer feel pg.however now just feeling awful,came close to pnd after ds and think my hormones doing same thing now.

Am just so sad-not just about losing baby but in a general,'raw' way iyswim.and I want it to stop!have been on miscarriage forum but just not sure I feel the same way as everyone else,it's just so weird.

I'm not explaining myself very well and I don't really expect anyone to help me,I imagine I'll just have to wait for time to heal stuff...I just feel shit,want to be lovely and fully functional for gorgeous ds,have work pressure too and just want to hide under a rock!!!!

Sorry for the rant I just needed to get it out of my system while ds napping.I know this will get better I just hate not knowing when

[FrankMustard]

Kind thoughts heading your way. Sorry you're feeling so sad

[runawayquickly]

I went through a similar thing at 13 weeks and I know exactly how you feel. I just wanted to stay in bed and make the world go away. Sleep was the only time I felt ok - I just was so sad and completely exhausted with the whole experience.

I have really nothing useful to say other than you will feel better - there's no doubt hormones are at fault, but that horrible raw feeling subsides and you will slowly start to get back to normal. Surely no one is expecting you to be a little ray of sunshine at a time like this? Hope not! Just be there for ds - my kids thought I had 'a bad back' and that's why I spent time in bed and wasn't so lively... it's hard but gets better though you will always remember this feeling. In a way that's good - it makes the nice times even more meaningful when you think what you've been through.
Sending you love and strength!

[Gentle]

Hi nolongerchunky

When I had a miscarriage followed by ERPC, I was very low and worried that I was not having the "normal" feelings associated with miscarriage (mainly that I didn't feel that much sadness about the lost baby, more annoyance and frustration about my situation, which I then felt guilty about). To start off with, I wasn't really that bothered - I look back now and see that it was shock. This was followed by the very raw feeling you describe.

I was offered a follow-up counselling session and to my great relief, the counsellor felt that I wsa going through a normal grief process and that nothing was wrong, in fact it was natural to be very distanced & then very hurt, fragile & angry. If you get offered something like this, please take it up.

Also, I underestimated the physical impact of a miscarriage. Pregnancy wreaks havoc with the body and it takes a while to recover from that, the miscarriage and the ERPC too (which after all is a surgical procedure - GA can leave you feeling odd for weeks afterwards, too).

It does get better and remember as you heal and recover that there are no "wrong" feelings. Take care.

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

thank you all. runaway, no ones expecting that of me.. except me!

gentle thanks so much. i haven't been offered counselling but maybe i am not a crazy person... not convinced yet but your words (and everyones) have helped - i feel a bit less alone.

it just makes me feel so fucking lonely and fragile and angry and stupid and... god i'll shut up now.

sincerely, thank you x

[littleboyblue]

I had a mmc a few years back. I had a scan after a bit of spotting at 10 weeks and found the pregnancy had ended at 8 weeks. It was the most strange feeling. I still can't put into words exactly how I felt after.
I have no comforting words I'm afraid and know that no matter what I say, it's not going to make this easier for you.
I found an odd comfort in the fact that it didn't pass naturally, almost like my baby knew I'd be a good mum and didn't want to leave me. Not sure if I should have said that or not, but that's how I felt.
I hope it gets easier for you soon. x

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

Thanks littleboyblue.I really appreciate your honesty,so yes,you should have said that!

Have had too much (and yet not enough) wine thought I should go to bed before the next glass as ds slept really badly last night and I'm expecting a repeat performance (he's teething but also scarily perceptive and seems to be trying to look after mummy...)

Just looked in on him and for that moment things were ok.I love him so much.I don't want to let him down and am so worried I will as am a mess.don't wanna drive dp crazy either but am aware we are feeling differently about the mc.

Am tired and sad and could easily drink another bottle of wine.tempted to steal ds from his cot so I have someone to cuddle

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

Thanks profiterolethief!

Wasn't great due to ds's teeth,he ended up in with me and dp again,tbh that was quite nice...

Went to work but felt really lousy so came home and slept for a bit this afternoon.am feeling rough physically so am seeing doc tomorrow.wish he had a magic wand!

Am trying to be positive,it's hard tho when I just feel rubbish.know I shouldn't expect loads from myself at the mo but I hate feeling like I'm doing badly at stuff/not coping...

This too will pass

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

Thank you.your words really mean a lot at the moment.tbh I don't completely understand how I feel,and that makes it hard to express myself.am pretty lost tho,tired and sad.I know I need to look after myself...as you say if I had a friend in this position I would want to help,however I just want to give myself a big kick,am feeling so frustrated with my emotions!

Thanks for giving me space to voice stuff.am hoping that if the doc can pinpoint what is making me feel so shot physically I'll somehow get a grip on the emotional stuff.

It's only a week tomorrow since the erpc,found out about list pg just a couple of days before that - but I have really had enough of feeling like this now,feels like it has been going on for much longer and I need to find a way out.

Thanks again I am bit managing to really say some of this stuff in rl x

[thumbwitch]

so for you - I have no experience of this but can empathise with your feelings of hormonal rollercoaster.

It is possible you might have a slight infection - that might be adding to your woes and physical unwellness - your doc should be able to check.

Hope you have a better weekend.

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

Thanks both of you. Turns out I have urinary tract infection and was running a fever so that prob hasn't been helping.

Think I made it sound like I'd only just found out I was pg,prob cos I can't type!actually knew about this one pretty much from conception!was very obviously pg which is part of what made it hard.

Am really trying to take it easy.thanks for being so kind.my doc was lovely too.am looking forward to feeling better,feel I still have a way to go yet tho...

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

hey thanks for keeping an eye on me... it helps.

am very low this evening. felt kind of relieved that doc could see a physical reason why i feel so shit as i was starting to feel pretty unwell... so it's good that at least that bit can be improved.

but i seem to have hit a stage this evening where all i can think is that i want my baby back, even tho in actual fact i was hardly pg with anything other than the sac for anytime at all... it's not that i don't understand that i just want what i had believed to be real to actually be real again.

and i want to cry but i'm sick of crying. and i want to talk to dp but i'm just saying the same old shit over and over and i know that it hurts him that he can't make it better.

i just wish with all my heart that this hadn't happened. which is not very constructive...

sorry i just sometimes can't say all this in rl

[thumbwitch]

nolongerchunky, I don't know whether this will help you or not but it might - a friend of mine had a molar pg a couple of years ago, that's where something is wrong with the fertilised ovum so it can never be a baby but the cells divide anyway and send out pg hormones, so she thought she was pg until about 7 or 8 wks when, after some spotting, she had an early scan and discovered there was no baby. She had a D&C because the mole can't be allowed to continue, it produces enormous levels of HCG.

She was herself very pragmatic about it (to us, anyway) because she accepted that it never was a baby; but her DH grieved the loss as though it were a mc.

I tell you this because it crossed my mind that you might find people who feel more similar to you on a molar pg support site, rather than a mc one.

Do give yourself time to come to terms with your loss - your hormones are still going to be all over the place as well, which won't help, but as they settle down hopefully so will some of the feelings.

Get some rescue remedy too - always good for shock and nervous stress.

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

profiterole, thanks as always...it's actually really nice to know you are there at the moment.

I'm so sorry that you have experienced such loss,I can't begin to imagine how hard that must have been.

I had a huge cry with dp last night and told him how I was feeling-he was great and really supportive so I'm glad I let some of this out...it helped.thanks for the advice.

Thumbwitch,thanks,I've talked to some people who have had mmc same as me,I think I'm just too messed up in my own head to communicate very well with anyone going thru similar things,strange as that sounds.I just don't seem to express myself in the same way so it's almost like a language barrier!i appreciate the thought tho.

Ds slept better last night,I was grumpy with him for starting the day so early but dp took the pressure off and I managed to be nice mummy again. Still feeling ill but anti b's should start helping soon.still sad but am just trying to accept that for now.

[WinkyGirl]

Hello nolongerchunky, I went through something similar two years ago (I cannot believe as I type that is was that long ago) When I was 9.5 weeks pg I started bleeding which led to scan and ERPC...DD was 10 months old and we had been thrilled to have conceived a 2nd DC so quickly.

I remember a week later I was drinking wine and watching a film and having that dull ache in my stomach. Even in the short time you are pregnant you bond and make plans and the baby is real. We still occasionally talk about our lost baby by his/her nickname. As everyone else has said talking is the best cure. And having your DS to give you cuddles.

When I felt ready I joined the ttc after mc thread and they were a very supportive bunch. We now have a DS.

Take care of yourself xx

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

well i've sort of been feeling better... dp got me out of the house yesterday, had lunch with him and ds at a lovely country pub by a river in the sunshine, which did me good.

then dp cooked yummy curry and we had some good wine in the evening...it was a good night.

overdid it a bit today so had to go to bed for a bit this afternoon, dp took ds to the park so it was quiet!

however am feeling a bit freaked out now as bleeding (which had stopped) is suddenly quite heavy... i was really hoping that was all over, apparently not. maybe it was because i walked quite a long way this morning... or poss because romantic evening last night (def seemed like a good idea at the time and made us feel really close, no more details than than needed )

anyway it has worried me although i think it's actually normal... am just fed up of feeling rubbish and it just seems to be one thing after another at the mo.

incidentally profiterole, i got out of the pjs this weekend... seemed like a good step forward. understood what you meant about that. also i had profiteroles at lunchtime! all part of the therapy...

hi winkygirl, and thanks. it's good to know people get thru this!

[nolongerchunkybutstillapudding]

hey thanks. I'll let you off for the stolen profiterole then, you've earned it really

am actually feeling pretty crappy today, was in work which I was dreading because

a)am being treated rather horribly by a very important customer and have to somehow sort out the whole bloody mess so it doesn't damage the company (which is mine and dp's, so that really matters) the whole thing is both worrying and really shite for my self esteem,

b)my brain simply doesn't work properly at the mo so work is incredibly hard (using initiative is a major part of my job, as is being quite 'up' and at least vaguely aware of my surroundings)

and c)i knew that things would feel harder again once i lost the protective bubble of having dp home from work for a long weekend...

and to be honest i was right to dread it, was a shit day.

and i talked to my (utterly lovely and very supportive) mum and sort of felt like i can add her to the list of people who would rather just hear that i'm feeling better now... and i can't blame her, she dealt with loads herself last year and was really upbeat throughout(relentlessly, tbh).

and i'm still bleeding (tho its not that bad, just more than last week) and still feel knackered and still having night sweats....

and i went on the mc forum and actually read some posts from people i'm supposed to identify with that just made me upset and angry so maybe its best not to go there...

god, sorry, am a raving crazy person tonight. just feeling a bit rattled, these ups and downs are a bit on the steep side and i still hate not knowing when i'll actually feel better for more than a few hours at a time.

bet you're sorry you asked now eh?

maybe i should be polite for once and ask how your day has been...