Is there such a thing as someone who is very unlikable? (long, sorry)

[treepose]

I've got a past history of not getting on very well with people, generally unpopular wherever I go from school upwards. I am hard of hearing and introverted but I do try and get on with people, just it never seems to work.

I suffered from depression for a while, started work about a year ago. I work in a department and did my best to get on with people. First person I worked with was known to have disagreements with everyone and I had a tough time with her but I persevered. Her replacement (she retired) is a nice young girl who is also pregnant. She was unsure of the ropes when she started, so I guided her through some things. I can honestly say that I did my best with her, however she cannot deal with any form of criticism. For example, at one point I told her that ringing me first thing in the morning is not the best way of contacting me (I work part time so at that time I am still driving to work), and she burst into tears.. Today she told me she found me rude and cannot work with me. I can honestly say that I actually went out of my way not to offend her.

Given my past history though I'm just feeling really down and have lost confidence in my ability to get on well with people. To add insult to injury, I was in the school grounds waiting to pick up my son and his best friend's mum is talking about two parties his best friend has, none of which my son has been invited to.

Would post this in AIBU but I can't deal with the negative messages at this time and I just want to vent, I suppose.

[Habbibu]

God, that does sound hard - you sound very fed up. Some people are naturally socially adept, and some aren't, but that isn't the same as being likeable and unlikeable. I think people are a bit lazy sometimes, and don't work on relationships with people who aren't "obviously" easy to get on with, iyswim.

What you do about that is more difficult. having interests in common often helps - it's an icebreaker if you have a shared enthusiasm. Do you have outside interests or hobbies that might help you socialise more?

[treepose]

Thanks for the answer. I love playing the piano and music in general, theatre. I like mumsnet and playing with my kids! I like gardening and cooking and reading. I can't go out much as I am usually looking after the kids at home (husband works long hours).

I'm not a bad person, honest. But I would like to be something other than what I am, so much.

[Habbibu]

Any chance you could join a choir, or a green gym if you like gardening? I know the long hours thing might be difficult, but one night a week might make a huge difference.

You don't sound like a bad person at all! Maybe you should look not to be something other than you are, but in finding a way to let people see your best bits!

[Habbibu]

Actually, I think with some green gyms children can go along too - though it does depend on age.

[neolara]

I know it might be a bit scary, but have you ever tried asking for feedback about how you come across from people who you trust and know how you behave socially? You might either be pleasantly re-assured, or you alternatively might get some pointers about how you could get on better with others.

Incidentally, I think I used to be pretty rubbish socially but I think I've vastly improved in the last few years. Now I find it much easier to get on with others. Maybe it's about finding a group of people with whom you are just more "in tune".

[treepose]

What is a green gym? bblush. Would love a choir but requires too much time committment atm. Maybe when the kids are a bit older.

I don't really know who to ask for feedback, my husband is used to me by now and sees nothing wrong with me except sometimes I don't understand what people are saying. I think there is someone at work who I can ask for pointers, but I just don't want to dump my problems on other people really. And I need to get better control on myself so I don't burst into tears too! I will try. It is a very good suggestion

[Habbibu]

A green gym is a combination of conservation project and exercise - here's the link: www2.btcv.org.uk/display/greengym - might be just up your street.

[Habbibu]

Try also to find what you think your best points are, and develop those, rather than always focussing on what might be "wrong", if that makes sense. And vent here. It's good for you.

[pointydog]

I believe it is fairly common for some people to believe they are unlikeable. However, it is purely to do with their self-perception and how they react to their own feelings about themselves.

SO no. You are not unlikeable.

[Threadworm]

Your thread title is heartbreaking. I'm sure that you aren't an unlikeable person at all.

Introversion, shyness make it hard to act warmly towards people, and they might find you aloof, or think you don't want to be friends with them. I have this problem often.

The situation at work might suggest that you could do with a little feedback about how you come across to people. It is so hard to ask for that feedback, though, isn't it? It would terrify me. Is there anyone who knows you in rl that you could ask -- DH perhaps?

Best wishes

[milou2]

I have found that being hard of hearing is a bit of a barrier between me and other people. When my hearing aids are altered so I can hear better I find social interaction that little bit easier. As it fades again I find it more difficult to be in synch with others in conversations. Is this of help?

[pointydog]

well, milou, in some ways it is possibly similar to someone with a physical hearing problem. Communication issues can be affected by poor self-esteem

[Habbibu]

Point - OP has hearing problems too!

[pointydog]

ah!

[pointydog]

aha!

mental health. I'm not normally on here. Don;t know the people.

[Habbibu]

I don't either, but it's tucked away in the first post - first para. doesn't negate your point, though.

[walkinthewoods]

Treepose
(Do you like trees and is that the yoga move?)

Your post resonates with me. I often think people don;t like me and I more than often feel awkward in certain situations.

I don;t have a physical hearing problem but am beginning to understand I have a pyschological hearin problem. I stumbled across a wikipedia definition of this problem (can't remeber what its called) but was thinking thats ME ME ME. When I feel under pressure I have problems hearing. Which then in turn makes me feel worse. When I was about 16 a work colleague rather cruelly said 'this is witw's favourite word...what's that witw?' I said 'What?' and she laughed her socks off.

I hate being in conversations of more than 1 person because I just get overwhelmed. I am often told people can discuss things with me in ear shot and I won;t hear a word.

I am sure this is part (but only part) of the problem. I am alot better now (in terms of feeling less unlikeable). I know that I get on with certain people...but its not that many. I think hay ho I don;t have a friend base that inclues loads but a friend base that includes a few (a select few) and I just rub along with the rest.

hth

[Spidermama]

Wow Walkinthewoods and treepose. This sounds like me. I find it really hard to understand what people are saying when I'm under pressure. I can hear the words but they don't seem to make sense. It's happening to me a lot at the moments as I've started a new and really tough job.

WITW how did you manage to get better?

[catinthehat1]

Treepose - a short questionnaire for you:

Are you habitually a rude person?
Were you being rude to young lass?
Do you generally dislike people?
Are you deliberately unkind?

Shall I answer for you based on the evidence of your OP? I'm taking a wild guess that it's NO to all the above.

People who can answer Yes to any of these questions do NOT come across like you do at all in your writing.

Maybe there's a difference in your gentle written manner and the way you come across in real life. Hence it might be worth explaining and apologising in words of one syllable to young lass eg (if appropriate) :

"I'm so sorry I upset you, I think maybe I came across as unfriendly in some way. I really didn't mean to upset you, I think you are a nice person - I am as well. I hope we can work together soon".

Also, you talk about yourself in a back to front way. " I did my best to get on with people" "I (tried) not to offend her" "I'm introverted" and so on.

In reality (your 2nd post) you have a whole bunch of interesting interests, you have intersting hearing aids, you have an interesting way of dealing with loons who drive other people up the wall.

Can it be that your colleagues don't know this and you haven't idly chatted about any of these things? It's not about Not Offending people, it's about having them listen to your latest gardening triumph or scoffing your cakes or laughing at your jokes and bl**dy well liking you becaus you're great company.

Also, don't make the mistake that being Introverted means you can't talk to people. It just means that you fundamentally get your energy from within yourself, not from other people (Extroverts do that). For you it could also mean that you deal particularly well with individuals rather than groups.

(Oh - feel free to dismiss the above as utter blather if I've missed the point)

[walkinthewoods]

Spidermama

I still have the 'pyscholgiacl hearing problem' but probably not so often. I say I am better but this is socially rather than in the hearing problem. I just began to understand that I will never be the belle of the ball but get on with a select few (which I absolutley treasure). I hate parties but love going out with one or two friends.

My dp has been the best boost to my confidence because he loves me for who I am (and I remember drying up when he came to speak to me on one of our first meetings.)

Spider also I totally undertsnad the hearing of words but not understanding (God that is so me!) We should start a support group, its awful.

I have other things to say on the topic but getting a bit tired.

Also looked at the green gym....thank you looks perfect (have started growing my own veg)

[treepose]

Thank you for all the posts. It's the first time I'm posting in Mental Health so I do appreciate anyone who takes the time to answer.

I do know that I have a physical hearing problem, but I only got hearing aids late (in my 30s) and especially in situations where there are lots of people talking at once they make things worse, it all gets too loud. Just this morning, I was talking to someone one to one and then in the background someone else started talking on the phone and it just started all sounding like a bunch of white noise. Reading posts from people with the same problem helps

It is just, coming from a background where it seems like all my life I've been told I'm awkward, snobbish, aloof and "quiet", and even rude before, this last episode has been particularly hard as I am still not sure what I have done! Keep thinking that maybe I frown when I am trying to hear something and people think I am frowning at them? But I can't really do anything to change that! It has been a big blow to my confidence. I did apologize for coming across as rude and reassured the person that I have nothing against her but I really don't know what went wrong. I used to go to therapy and one of the things I learnt is that it is useless to try and control what people think of you, but with my background sometimes it feels like one setback after another.

I joined facebook recently and I know that there are some relatives and all of the people I went to school with who will not add me as friends because they don't like me! (have had an account before) And this is facebook where it doesn't really matter who adds who. I joined again to keep in touch with one person who I had lost contact with.

I hope that things will feel better at least, talking about it helps and you are all very kind people! And I am very lucky to have a wonderful family who I love

Treepose is from the yoga position and a peaceful state of mind and bliss.

Luckily I have a week of holidays with the family coming up now so that might help with recharging the batteries. Peace out

[staylucky]

I found this part quite sad:

I'm not a bad person, honest. But I would like to be something other than what I am, so much.

I can be awkward as hell around new people but the thing that makes it worse is worrying. I think the trick is to completely accept who you are and relax enough to be open with people. It's lifelong to be honest, somedays are better than others but trying to be something you're not will never help.

Know how you feel, thoughts with you xxx

PMA x