I feel like i have lost myself and its almost grief like.

[LucyEllensmummy]

I don't know what to think anymore - i thought i was getting better i really did.

After a trivial row with DP on saturday, when he did say some hurtful things i had to take my mums dog to the vets where i used to work. I walked in to a new receptionist who i hadn't seen before, so where i normally would go straight downstairs for a chat i had to sit and wait with all the other clients. It felt really weird, and not very nice actually.

The thing is, the receptionist, she was lovely - pretty, bleach blonde hair (like mine used to be). Really bubbly and chatty - she said, oh the vets think i'm mad. The clients clearly really loved her too and she pitched her "chat" just at the right level for everyone. I sat there mortified because 4 years ago, that was me!! I was the girl who the vets said were mad, who clients used to bring flowers and chocolates for and ask for by name. I was the one who had the mad stories to tell and was garunteed to provide the entertainment for a night out. Everyone liked me!! It was like looking in a mirror - only the mirror is broke and that person is gone now - long long gone and i don't think i can find her again. I feel heartbroken by this and i know its stupid. Ive always been the cheeful one, always the one first up at kareoke (even though i really can't sing ). The one with the cheeky smile for the old boys with their dogs.

WTF has happened to me!!! Now im stuck on ADs and no sign of stopping them. I thought i was getting better, i FELT better but this has made me realise, im NOT better, not by a very very long way My DP said to me last night in another trivial row - that im not the LEM i used to be, im different now - its like he read my mind And he is right. The thing is, he fell in love with HER not me. The one he dreamed all his dreams with, shes gone and im not sure i can find her again. Now, a good day for me is one where i don't break down. A good day is when i enjoy my DD but you know what, i can't remember the last time i really laughed, you know proper belly laugh - fucking hell, i was ALWAYS laughing, always being naughty. I told DP to leave last night, he said he would, but then we made up, he said sorry for being a grump - and he was a grump and he was out of order, but i just spiralled into a pit of blackness - all i want to do is sleep, i don't want to have to face who i have become because i don't like her, not one tiny little bit. Maybe i should let my DP go, he deserves better than this - i even wonder if my DD would be better with her Daddy, she certainly favours him over me - but then who wouldn't - he is the one with the big beaming smile and endless patience - i am the one with the permanent scowl and very limited patience.

Counselling isn't working, ADs aren't working - do i just accept what i have become and forget about being happy, stop trying to be something im not. Be quiet, don't rock the boat - TRY and be a good mum, at least with the practical side of things. Or should i really walk away now - ive put them through enough and its not fair.

The old me was a bit of a dumb blonde, complete scatter brain, lazy arse (but didn't care) happy go lucky person - how can i accept that she is gone?

[Tortington]

you need a life for you. not being mum and partner. being you.
a night class
a hobby
anything
1 hour a week

its not a pat trite answer, please think about it. i was where you are - the big black hole swallowing you - you and only you can make it better, by making your life better.

no one else will do it for you. your partner by virtue of his existence won;t your child won't.

you have to -

[Tortington]

report back forth with with ideas

[Haribosmummy]

LEM - I do think you have hit the nail on the head (in a sort of way!)

Yes, I guess you DO have to accept that the dizzy blonde is gone...

I have moments when I wonder what happened to the crazy 20YO I used to be... But of course, I'm WAY the wrong side of 30 now, married with a child.

I have responsibilities to my DH, to our DS, to my DSDS to the house, my friends, family, I have bills to pay, I have worries...

SO, I guess the same is true of you.. You are a wife and mother now, trying to keep it all together.. I know your DH is starting up his business, so you are taking on the lions share of house stuff....

BUT... That's not to say you can't be happy.

You do have to make sure you keep some time for you - get your hair done, have a spa day, a day out etc.,

I know it sounds terrible to say, but I think men are (in general) much better at looking after themselves, whereas many women only get some 'me' time after they've looked fter everyone else (and there is often not enough time for everyone else!!!)

Can you work out to to have a day to yourself? (no kids, no house stuff etc) I really think that would help. I love to get out on my own and just be 'me' - not a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister etc etc..

Hope you are OK.

HM x (Used to be YCBS)

[LittlePeanut]

Hi, so sorry you are feeling so bad.

I haven't had depression before, but I do know what it's like to mourn an old way of life, and feel that you have changed beyond recognition.

I look at young carefree girls in their twenties, and bitterly think "THAT WAS ME!"

Maybe I am wrong here, but I think everyone, or at least most people, go through this process as they age and take on new responsibilities. the fact is, we all change. We all get older. We have kids and get responsibilities, and have worries that we never knew existed.

I know in your case you are also depressed, and so this must all feel much worse. But I just wanted you to know that you're not alone in hankering after a younger version of yourself, when life was more FUN.

You need to try to focus on the positive things in your life. The good things you have (yours kids, your DP) and maybe also start doing some proactive things to inject more fun in your life again.

Easier said than done. Sorry if this has been unhelpful. Hope you start to feel better soon.

[CountessDracula]

I agree with custy
You need to get out of this hole
Do you work?
I find if I am feeling shite that throwing myself into work help. Always. Contact with other people and having to put on a brave face is good.

[TotalChaos]

I identify with a lot of your post LEM. I think Custardo is spot on with her advice.

[CountessDracula]

Also if ADs not working can you talk to someone about changing the/upping the dose>

[LucyEllensmummy]

Yes, custy is totally spot on - as usual!!

Thankyou so much - im glad its not just me - but of course i wish none of us felt that way. We do have more worries now than we did then - the business is soooo stressful for both of us. DD is hard work, much as i love her. I feel like i don't get a break but what can you do - im not the only one am i.

I might go and dye my hair blonde! I cut it myself a few weeks back, it looks fucking awful - maybe i should just go the whole hog and dye it bright red??

Shall i??? DP would go mad!!!! Probably not red, although i strangely think it might suit me - maybe blonde - i'll have a look see.

LEM worries about self!

[LucyEllensmummy]

Work is the key - i need to get back to work, i was half planning on working on DPs business, but i can't be on my own all the time, i like it, i enjoy my own company so much more now - but its clearly driving me nuts!

[LucyEllensmummy]

CD - the irony is, im wanting to come off my ADs now as i think they surpress me - uggghhhh, what to do what to do

[mankymummy]

go for purple. go on...!

seriously though, get your hair done or do something for yourself. you will feel better.

[Haribosmummy]

No!!! I dyed my hair purple once and it's a very strange colour for hair!!!!

[MrsMattie]

In my deepest, darkest moments of PND, I felt exactly like you do@LEM.

My oldest child is now 4 yrs old, and I am only just really, truly learning to accept that the old me is gone. Not coming back. Not ever. And that that's OK. The new me is OK. The new me is possibly better, even.

See, for me, what you describe was my 'PND'. It was a kind of grief for my old self - slim, sociable, glamourous, a career girl, desirable to the vast majority of men, envied by lots of people for my career/lifestyle/status. As I said, it has taken several years for me to come to terms in any way at all with the new me.

I have come to realise that there are elements of the new me that I will just have to learn to live with, like it or not (I am a woman in my 30s now. I am a woman with responsibilities now. I am never going to be a size 10 again etc). I cannot reverse time or change those basic facts. There are also elements if the new me that are an improvement on the old me - it's just taken me a long time to recognise them. I am more patient. I am more empathetic and genuinely understanding of others. The things of real importance in life - friends, family, human kindness - matter now, not status, glitz and glamour etc.

However, there are things about the new me and my 'new' life as a mother that I am not satisfied with and that do make me unhappy - things I can change. So I am making a real effort to change them. I am retraining, as I need to get back to work for my own sanity and self respect. I am also making a real effort to lose weight, as being overweight, unfit, lethargic and 'frumpy' makes me feel desperately shit about myself. I might never be a size 10 again, but I can be healthy and take pride in myself, rather than hide away and let myself go downhill.

Counselling wasn't particularly helpful for me (I had the endless navel gazing of psycho-dynamic counselling....I think CBT may have been more helpful, actually, but it was never offered to me on the NHS).

ADSs didn't work at all for me, either. That's just me, though - I'm not advising you either way on those areas. But what I will say is that coming to terms with the change in your life and finding some sort of peace with it - that is the biggest challenge you face and that
is what you need to try to work on, whether through counselling or in other ways in your life.

I know it sounds trite, but I have found exercise to be a huge, life changing help, too, in multiple ways. Sticking to a routine, doing something for myself, getting fit and strong, losing weight, mastering something that I always thought wasn't for me (I am naturally lazy and like lying on the sofa and eating, to be honest!)...it;s just helped me find my confidence and improved my mood no end.

Anyway - enough waffle from me. HTH even a tiny bit. And just wanted you to know that you certainly aren't alone in feeling this way. xx

[OrmIrian]

Oh LEM

I am so sorry. I've been there from time to time but I've been so lucky that I've responded to ADs quite quickly.

The things I've done that have helped. Running, exercise classes, new clothes, went back to full-time work, cutting out caffeine, eating better.

[LucyEllensmummy]

Well, i stood in the hair dye isle in boots, and hovered over the blonde dye and thought better of it, my hair always tends towards orange if i dye it. So, bought a new lip gloss (i hardly ever, in fact, almost never wear make up), some new eye shadow. Pot of olay moisturiser and some torture strips!! Wax for my face - i get a hairy face and i hate it. Done the torture, stuck some make up on - still dont feel like the old me. She really isn't coming back - but do i really want her to?

[oneplusone]

LEM, i know exactly how you feel. I feel the same although i wouldn't say i was depressed. But i feel like i have lost myself, i was an attractive, intelligent, successful young woman, with a good career, money, loads of friends, a great social life. Now pretty much all of that is gone. I think MrsM has written a very helpful post. I am starting to see that although a lot of my old self is gone for good, it has been replaced with some more enduring and ultimately more meaningful 'deeper' qualities that i never knew i had really.

I am much more patient, thoughtful, unselfish, empathetic, sympathetic and actually i think inside i am a much more attractive person than i was when i was younger. On the outside i look dreadful and I am still trying to come to terms with the fact that i am never going to look like i did in my wedding photos (even if i do plaster myself with a ton of make up). I haven't cracked that one yet, my looks do still get me down a lot. But I am proud of my new found 'inner beauty' which i never really had before.

My youngest child is nearly 3 and it is only now I feel i am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I think things will get better once DS starts school next year and i can go back to work or do something for myself like retrain etc.

Becoming a mother is the hardest thing i have ever done, it is such a steep learning curve and such a huge, huge change in every possible way, i think it is normal to grieve for your old self and old life, and it is hard to even truly begin to accept your new self and life.

I know i haven't been much help, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

[LucyEllensmummy]

you have, you all have - i don't feel like im slipping back, i just feel a bit shit just now about my looks, my personality and you guys have helped me to see thats OK, its normal and not necessarily because im depressed. I was scared of the black hole

[Haribosmummy]

LEM.. Believe me, I think we've all felt like that.

I nearly cried when I saw photos from a recent holiday - I looked so middle aged and frumpy... YOu do need to make time for yourself and take time to do things YOU enjoy (Not because you need to / DD likes them etc)

You need to know it's OK to put yourself first for some time every week - even just one afternoon. I think it's so easy for women to lose sight of that...

You know, I think driving would give you LOADS of confidence????

[mankymummy]

right this might sound odd but read your first message earlier and been thinking about it all day...

i have a best friend.. she's exactly like you described this new receptionist. she is an utter loon, theres always a story to tell.

i love her to bits, she makes me laugh.

my other best friend.. i admire her so much, she's been through a lot, she takes care of her kids, she's more quiet, she thinks deeply and then always comes up with the right thing to say.

i love her to bits, she keeps me sane.

neither is "better" than the other.

if you have managed to be something like both these people in your life, then i would take my hat off to you. Life changes, you've changed. i think thats an amazing thing.

[violethill]

Yeap, Custy is dead right.

You need to have parts of your life that are about YOU. Being a mum and a wife are hugely important but they don't define you as a human being.

Things like dying your hair, having an evening out etc will help as a boost, but you say that deep down you know that you want to work, and not in your DH's business but as something in your own right.

LEM you have battled so long with depression- I really hope you find the impetus to get yourself out of this hole and find a new direction.

Go girl!

[LucyEllensmummy]

yes violet, i think ive battled with this for long enough now - feel very strongly that i have had enough, I know the old me is probably gone, but she was a dopey cow anyway . We all change don't we - just wish i could like me now! I DO feel better, am wanting to come off my medication - i dont think its actually doing anything anymore. It has to come from me, not even sure if i want the counselling tbh - always feel like shit afterwards - i am seeing her tomorrow, see what she thinks about it, but i do wonder if i just hold on to things longer to dissect it in the counsellors chair!!

On the whole i do feel better - its just that every time something goes wrong - its a major drama.

Went and enquired at the local gym/swimming pool today about membership - £35 a month I am thinking about asking my doctor for an exercise referral - i got flamed for this when i said about it on here, but i simply cannot afford £35 a month, especially as DP wants to join a gym.

I hate how i look and tried to convince myself that it didn't matter, that it was shallow to care about appearances - you should see me, i look like a sack of shit - i cut my own hair (it looks shit but im too scared of the hair dressers ) and my clothes all look crap (shop in charity shop but size 20 so very limited). Hairy chin and face (hate this, it makes me cry) and generally look rough. Don't feel i can control any of that really. Its not vain to want to look nice is it? I honestly wonder why people want to talk to me sometimes, let alone be my friend, i am quite ugly and i am surprised it doesn't put people off - im not looking for sympathy - just being realistic. Im not sure id want to associate with me - i look mad.

[CountessDracula]

Goodness me you don't need to spend all that money on a gym!
Get yourself a pair of decent trainers and start running. I can't tell you what it does for your mood, self esteem etc

Try the couch potato to 5k in 6 weeks program (google it) - I was doing 8k in 5 weeks.

[CountessDracula]

and my friend I was on hols with has lost 25 lb running and dieting in a short space of time. She was bigger than a size 20 when she started too.

[LucyEllensmummy]

I do agree CD, but there is something about a gym that is quite motivating. I used to go to a really well equipped gym when i was at university - i was there every day. I have really flabby thighs just now and i hate that, so i need to go on what my DD1 calls the "sex machine" - the one that you puch closed with your legs!! The £35 covers swimming, any classes, badminton, squash etc, but not all of these things i can access - so having to consider it carefully. Trouble is with me, im impatient, i would want it to start working NOW! The gym in our local centre isn't very good though - and i wouldn't have time to take advantage of the swimming really.

I used to run alot when i had my big dogs, so did DP, but when do you make time for all of this? I would feel really self concious lumbaring along the roads at the moment.

[OrmIrian]

lem - don't feel self-conscious. It's great for improving your mood and self-confidence. And I lost weight (or at least bulk, I don't weigh myself) running, much more than with any other kind of exercise. Start off with short runs, perhaps in quiet places, or very early in the am, and then when you start to feel more comfortable, just get out there on the roads and sod anyone else. I'm not sylph-like and I suspect my running style leaves a bit to be desired but it doesn't matter.