Feel like I am losing the plot.

[ComeWhineWithMe]

This may be long and rambly so sorry in advance .

I have 5 dc and am pg again ,we lost a dd 10 years ago after she got a normal childhood illness and it attacked her immune system and shut down her organs and she passed away in ICU this was so unexpected and shocking as everyone had been confident uo to three days before that she would be fine ,I am not posting to gain sympathy I think it is part of my issues now.

After dd died I already had ds and got pg very quick with dd I suffered badly with pnd and never really bonded until she was much older by this stage I had had dd3 whi is 7 now when she was a baby she was poorly a lot and now has mild asthma I have always felt more anxious about her than the others I don't know why I can only assume it is because she has asthma .When I was pg with dd4 I got into a state and started having panic attacks and became fixated on dd3's health again we visited a&e a lot just to be told she was fine.

Now I am doing it again I literally jump every time she coughs I feel myself getting churned up I try not to let her see how stressed it is making me but I do wonder if she is picking up on it .

She has had a cough on and off for three weeks and I am terrified although she is fine in herself I know I am been stupid ,dp is getting pissed off with me and I am getting more and more anxious I worry when she is at school and worry when she is asleep I am terrified about leaving her when I give birth .

Last night she had a coughing fit and I panicked so much I got my sister to take me to a&e the staff were lovely and she was fine they think she is run down from the coughing and has a viral infection but apart from tha is fit as a fiddle ,which reassures me but there is always a little nagging feeling saying what if.

I love all of my dc of course and look after them when they are ill but I don't get anxious over them iyswim ? My 3 year old has a nighttime cough too and I am so rational about it ,so why am I so messed up over dd3?

It is getting me down now I don't want to see my gp because I am worried they will think I am not coping which I am I just can't cope with dd 3 been ill.

[ComeWhineWithMe]

,

[ThreadieMair]

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dd, and about how rough you are feeling now.

It is no wonder you have this kind of anxiety after what happened. Anxiety can be much worse when you are tired and stressed, so that might be why you are finding it tough right now. But if it continues, do go and see your GP. You might want to think about anti-depressants, which in my experience can be more effective with anxiety than with depression.

And please don't worry about GP thinking you are not coping. You are coping brilliantly with a large family and a difficult past. You are not coping well with this onset of anxiety, but what is bad about admitting that? It's what GP is there for.

Best wishes,

XX

[ThreadieMair]

Sorry, just seen in your post that you are pregnant, so might not want ADs. Do talk to GP and midwife, etc. Even talking will help. There is nothing bad or feeble about your feelings. Reading your post I am just massivley impressed with all you have coped with.

[ComeWhineWithMe]

Thankyou TM . I know I need to see someone I just feel as though it is admitting defeat I know that sounds silly but it is how I feel.

I also remember trying to get help when I had dd2 and had pnd I was just told told it was baby blues and it was only when I chatted to a HV later that she told me it sounded as though I had had PND ,I missed out on a lot of dd2 early stages because I simply can't remember all I can remember when I think back is feeling very cold towards her and taking care of her basic needs but not loving her it hurts to admit it now that I could be so callous but I would not allow myself to be close to her I can also remember dp refusing to take her off me when she was crying because and I laid her on the carpet and left her for him to pick her up because I thought I was going to hurt her otherwise . It was only when she was about 2 that I fell in love with her I can even remember getting taht rush of love one day that you are supposed to get with newborns .
I hate that I wasn't able to get help then even though I chatted to GP and a midwife and I think it has left me a bit wary.
Sorry for been so rambly just feel like things need to come out .

[RaspberryBlower]

Your anxiety is completely understandable given what you've been through. It would almost be strange if you didn't feel like this.

I'm so sorry you lost your daughter.

I understand that feeling of not wanting to admit defeat - that you should be able to sort this out yourself, especially as you are the person who cares for other people, not the one that needs support. I felt like this myself when I had pnd, but as soon as I went for help it was a weight off my shoulders and I started to feel more in control.

It's terribel that you didn't get help before, but I think they are better at understanding these things now, even than they were a few years ago. Don't let this put you off if you want to get support.

I hope you feel better soon, whatever you decide to do.

[ThreadieMair]

Those are sad memories. But how lovely when you had that rush of love when dd was 2. Taking care of her basic needs until then was enough -- you cherished her in the wy that you were able to for two years and then it came right.

As for wariness about GP, midwife, etc, I don't blame you at all. We tend to say 'talk to GP' as if this was inevitably the beginning of help and understanding. But GPs, midwives, etc can fail to understand, hurry you along, etc. So you need to be strong enough to insist and badger. Which is putting a big burden on you when you are feeling low.

Could you put to your GP the whole history you spoke of in your OP write it down for him/her if need be? And say LOOK THIS IS HARD, YOU MUST REFER ME FOR PROPER COUNSELLING.

[hobbgoblin]

I have to rush out so can't post at length, sorry. (Maybe that's a good thing )

Do you think this could be Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome? If so, then perhaps there are treatment options for dealing with the anxiety you are experiencing.

So sorry that you have had to deal with such grief

[morningsun]

ii do think this could be anxiety from trauma of sudden loss,that deep down you think it could happen again.
i have similar experience and learnt the hard way you have to let go,becos if you feel this intense with a cough what would happen if your beloved dd fell seriously ill?
I'm sure you're a great mum[as i was] but you have to let go and separate "concerns" about her health which you can act on by geting medical help,from blind ,mind blowing panic that if you take your eyes off her or miss something,the same might happen again.
Ask your gp for cbt or emdr for trauma,and try to think of your dd as a separate person from you,who will have her own upsets and accidents which you can seek medical help for,but youcan't prevent or preempt.
Don't know if this makes sense to you

[ComeWhineWithMe]

Thanks everyone , I think I was just having a very down day yesterday and feel better and more postive today.

I am however going to go to the gp's and talk about my fears to them .