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Mental health

Moving on after finding out about childhood sexual abuse

26 replies

itsbeenashock · 30/11/2008 20:48

regular name changer here.

I found something out last night.

Basically, i already knew that my dm had been abused when she was a child by her Father, I know its 100% true because he attempted to do it to me when i was about 10, but i stopped him and he later came back and toldme i had misunderstood his actions. My dm told me about it when i was 16 and i told her about when i was 10. She eventually went to the police when i was about 22, the whole family made statements, basically, my brothers, my dsf and i where the only ones that believed her, it didn't go any further as the CPS said their wasn't enough evidence. So, we tried to move on, i had no contact with any of my cousins, uncles or grand parents, recently i have been in contact with my cousins, they're younger than me and don't seem to know anything, we have not discussed it, i don't know if we ever will.

Anyway, that aside, i was at a party last night at my dfs house, it was his dw birthday, everyone had plenty to drink, and it came out that my Dads Father abused at least 1 of my Aunts, and my Dad was aboused by 2 of his Uncles, as where some of his cousins also. My Dad also said when i was 3 i had told my mum that my Grandfather (Dads Dad) had touched my private parts, so they stopped me staying over My Mum comfirmed this when i rung her after he had told me.
My Aunty was adamant that if i repeated anything of what i was told last night, she would call me a liar as she doesn't want it to come out, because she believes it will kill her Mother. My db and one of my male cousins where also there, they got really upset, and of course, like me, where in shock.

So, i'm pretty sure, nothing is going to be done, i don't think it would have come out if it wasn't for the alcohol consumed, and i don't believe anything is going to happen through it, no police, everyones going to keep quiet, all bloody hush hush.

So, to clarify, I have 2 abusive Grandfathers, at least 2 abusive Uncles (who i don't know, i have only met one of them in my adult life) Both my parents where abused, it seems attempts where made to do it to me.
Neither of my parents knew about each others abuse, yet they both still allowed contact with us children and their own parents, we stayed over at my Mums parents (which was the time my GF tried to do it to me he also used to try and get me drunk).

So my problems being-

Once i had told my Mum today about my Dads abuse, she said, 'well, we better be careful of your brother, he has 2 peadophiles for Grandads' WTF!! is she saying it'll run in the family? that if i had been male, she'd think it of me? How can she even think that of him? But at the same time, i can't ignore the possiblity, can i? There ids always going to be a doubt in my mind, but then i have that with all people anyway. incidently, db and his dw have just found out she is pg, so does that mean that my mum is worried about her unborn gc.

secondly, how can i ignore the fact that both my parents put us in danger by allowing contact with the abusers, i know i would be running as fast as i could in the opposite direction with my dcs if i had any kind of inkling that they would be harmed.

Thirdly-what am i supposed to do now? Keep my mouth shut and don't talk about it? I don't really want to talk about it, but it is in my head even when i am asleep, how do i move forward, how do i function daily and not let my life and that of my dcs be affected?

Sorry for the babbling, it may not all make sense....I seriously have no idea how to cope wwith this.

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bythepowerofgreyskull · 30/11/2008 20:54

I really really don't think you should try to cope with this alone,

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.

Depending on your financial situation I would talk to your GP and try to get a referral to a counsellor who can help you deal with all this. Your GP will be able to find you someone who can help (I am NOT saying you are mentally ill in any way!)

If you have the money I would contact a counsellor directly and try to talk it through with a professional.

I am sure there are other ladies on here who may have better advice. GOOD LUCK

FWIW I don't think you need to worry at all about your brother.

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gothicmama · 30/11/2008 20:58

I don't really have an answer to your first point just some thoughts you don't know about your brother was he abused, how do you find him, have you talked to him about this, I asume form your post that your dad is not an abuser so therefore if he is your brother's role model he is unlikely to abuse, women are just as capable of abuse as men.

second point people are more aware of abuse nowadays and more willing to take action and to discuss it, form what you say your parents did their best to protect you, it was probable hard for them if tehy did not know about each other's abuse and if they had grown up in a family were it may have been perceived as normal becasue it had happened over generations.

thirdly you are dealing with it by confromting it here, you are aware now of what has ahppenned you can take steps to protect your child and whilst it feels like everything has changed you have it in your power to seek counselling for yourself if you feel you need it or you may think phew I had bad things happen but I survived and get on. Is it the secrecy in your famiuly which is causing you the most pain and grief if it is it will be hard to resolve because other people do not want to address

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itsbeenashock · 30/11/2008 21:06

thank you for posting, my Dad was Definately not an Abuser, i am 99.9 % sure my db was not abused, We lived with my Mum and dsd from me being 6 and db being 4, and he was not an abuser either, I don't believe my DB will be an abuser, I don't know what to say about my mum making a comment lik ethat.

Re Conselling, I just don't know if i can keep talking about it over and over, I had a course of counselling a few years ago and the counsellor seemed to be overwhelmed with me as my mum was having a rough patch trying to commit suicide, I was doing exams, while also working work and being a sp and had also recently got out of an abusive relationship myself (God, i sound so F**ked up!) So what if she couldn't cope with my problems? IYSWIM

It seems from both sides my families are secretive, I feel in a way that the abusers should all be punished but more than anything, i want to protect other childrem from it being done to them, i know that they are all in contact with children, it just seems a massive mission to undertake to try and do anything about it, where do i start? My brother will not get involved, he burries his head in the sand.

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gothicmama · 30/11/2008 21:34

you can speak to the NSPCC they will be able to help you as they wil ahve come across this situation before
nspcc website
help line number 0808 800 5000

The most important thing you can do is protect your children and as many others as possible this cna be achieved by being brave and speaking to invidual parents of children they are in contatc with or perhaps just one who will pass on the info if you know what I mean , if they work with children then the NSPCC will be able to help you better than anyone else

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gothicmama · 30/11/2008 21:35

sorry about the typos I have a very runny nose at the mo.

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itsbeenashock · 30/11/2008 21:40

thank you Gothicmama, you are right.
I am concerned about my younger cousin that is due to have a baby girl in a couple of months, Her oh already has a 2yo ds and the 2 of them found bite marks on his arm, so they reported it to the police, SS have apparantly placed the little boy in care and have said that my Cousin must move in with our Grandparents when the baby is born as they are under suspicion also...I do not know if that is the full story, I am not really close to them, but the thought of a baby girl in the house... BUT if i try to speak to my cousin, then my Aunt is going to tell her i am lying anyway....she is my cousins Mother, and I'm assuming that she will protect the baby...but why allow them to live their anyway? Do you have any idea what the NSPCC will do? Oh my head is reeling. I am going to go to bed. Thanks again for all the replies.

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alicet · 30/11/2008 21:57

OMG what a terrible situation you are in.
I'm really sorry, no practical advice to add to the excellent advice already given on this thread but wanted to add my support and bump this for you in the hope that someone who has similar experience will be able to help you xxx

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gothicmama · 30/11/2008 22:00

please explain to the NSpcc about your cousin they will probable advise you to or may contact social services on your behalf, it is important this information is passed on to the social worker, you can 'phone the duty team at children social care in teh area they live and report this, if social worke believe living at grandparenst is best option then it is very importantto ensure they have all the facts as it will have to be taken in to account in their decision making process .hope this helps

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gemmiegoatlegs · 30/11/2008 22:11

I can't admit to knowing exactly what you're going through itsbeenashock , your family situation sounds extremely complicated.

We have recently had a situation in our family where a close (in DNA, not someone we hang out with) has been charged with abusing his daughter when she was a child/teen. She is now an adult. He made similar attempts on his other daughters during the same period. As far as I know there has been no abuse in my generation. The abused lady had been battling with herfeelings for years and not getting any closure. She felt that reporting him was something she had to do.

Its quite tragic really because I believe she was expecting a lot of support from the family and hasn't got it. Some family members don't want to be involved as they feel they have put the past behind them, for others the memories are too raw.

For us now, it is a waiting game as we see if the CPS have got enough evidence to take him to court. The Pandora's box is open now and everything is rather weird. I personally would like to see him sent down for what he has done, I know his new family have got young granddaughters that he regularly has contact with. If this charge can make somebody think twice before leaving their kids alone with him it will have been worth it.

As a family though, we are shredded, it seems beyond repair. FWIW, I don't think your mum believes your db is an abuser. I think it is hard to let go of these things, the abuse she suffered is bound to colour the way your mum looks at men.

I hope you all get through this.

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muppetgirl · 30/11/2008 22:18

You are in such a difficult position I can't begin to know how you are coping xxx

If you could turm the clock back and never know what you now know -would you?

You didn't know the truth yet the adults around you seem to have made some very strange decions on your behalf. Now you are able to protect your dc with this new information. (It's the only positive I can think of)

Your family have chosen to keep everything hush hush but if you feel you can pass on information that could potentially stop any abuse occuring to anyone else's child I think you have too depsite that being an incredibly difficult thing to do.

I totally agree with the other posters who say you need to chat to a counsellor as this is too big to let go round and round your head. It's a totally confusing thing to hear, you don't know who you can trust in your family which will have completely thrown you. Your family is no longer what you thought it was and you will need help coming to terms with that.

I do think it is better that you now know this information though because you can protect your family.

I am so sorry for what you are going through...

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TheLadyEvenstar · 30/11/2008 23:11

itsbeenashock

I can't for one second imagine how you are feeling. Because for all the words we can type on here nothing will truley express what we are feeling deep inside. Of course this has been a shock especially with dc of your own. It puts in perspective just how important ones dcs are.

I would imagine you are feeling some sort of anger towards your parents for putting you and your siblings in danger as children and at the same time shock that they did put you in that danger.

There is nothing you yourself could imagine worse than this especially as you are a parent yourself.
I know when I had my dcs I became determined to keep them safe regardless of anything. And when my cousins bf touched ds1's privates I let rip, I did go to the police etc. Sadly for us because ds1 was 5yrs old and scared nothing came of it. But as my cousin and her young son were living with us I banned her bf from my home and from going near my ds or her ds and also I reported the situation to ss. The anger I felt was unmentionable so i cannot imagine what you are feeling.

But I do hope you find strength to talk about this with the appropriate people and also as you are a regular on another thread you will possibly know of my assault when I was 18. You never forget, you never fully get over it BUT you learn to live with things and if anything you become stronger.

If you wanna chat please email me

xxxx

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Dalrymps · 30/11/2008 23:18

This is such a mess. Sorry you have had to find all this out, you must have so many questions running around your head right now.

I think, even though the counsellor you saw seemed 'overwhelmed' with the amound of 'stuff' you had to work through you should still discuss this wth someone. In fact, I think the fact the counsellor was overwhelmed is even more reason to see one again, you oviously have a lot to work through before you can lay it to rest iyswim.

Maybe you could call someone like the samaritans? As I understand, they're not just there for 'people on the edge' but are ther to discuss things with you and lend an ear so to speak.

I sympathise that you have 'come close' to the abuse yourself and even if nothing happend this must have had an awful effect on you to have someone you trust try to abuse that trust.

Hope you can work through this (((hugs)))

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itsbeenashock · 01/12/2008 13:41

thank you for all your replies...I still feel in shock, hopefully things will become more clear in a few days and i can find the strength to do what i have to do with regards to my cousin and her baby. I will try and keep this thread updated as i reckon this is going to be the one place where i am going to find the support i need.

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muppetgirl · 01/12/2008 17:40

we'll be here when you need us xx

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WhiteWineAndJaffaCakes · 01/12/2008 17:49

Just wanted to add my voice of support. I don't have any experience of anything like this so I'm not really in a position to offer much advice, but I agree with the others that it would probably help to talk to someone who could help you to 'organise' your thoughts and work out how to move forward from this.

Hugs and hope you get lots of support.

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gothicmama · 01/12/2008 21:03

thinking of you

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itsbeenashock · 01/12/2008 21:34

Ladies Thank You again for your support

this may get a little confusing now...
Most of this thread has been devoted to the paternal side of my family, but as i first said it happened to my Mum when she was younger also...I have recently found out that on my Maternal side, my Grandad has also got one of my female cousins living with him and her 2yo dd.

My head has been going round and round in circles..
1, my Mum was abused by her Dad
2, my Dad was abused By his Uncles
3, my Aunt was abused by her Dad.

It didn't occur to me to let anyone in authority know, I always felt i would need to talk to the family members that it had happened to, or that where(or whos children) may be in danger. From this thread, I have realised i can at least try and do something indirectly...So I have decided, at least for a start, I will ring NSPCC about my cousin that is living at my Maternal GF as I think that she and/or her dd are probably most at risk at this very time. I am very concerned that if i try and tell theem the whole story, they may not believe me, Hell, I'm not convinced i'd believe me!! But at least i am trying to do something, i can't just do nothing Also, my Mum has already made a complaint about him, and it never went to court (not enough evidence) so are they just going to say they can't do anything as i hve no proof? Will they at least have to investigate?If anyone has any experience that they could possibly share, i would be really grateful.

Re-my Paternal cousin who is pg..I feel I should try and talk to my Dad soon, or my DB and my cousin who where there at the same time as me, to see, if they will back me up when i do something.

Also, and i know if sounds selfish, but it has occured to me that people are going to be very upset and angry with me for not leting this lie, I am worried that myself and my immediate family may be at risk from members of the family that choose not to believe any of it, as i am going to be seen as causing trouble.

My head is in bits, and i can appreciate that my posts are probably all over the place, so if you're still managing to keep up than you have my greatest appreciation.

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itsbeenashock · 01/12/2008 21:36

Also, i appreciate what has been said about counselling-i feel i need to do something pro-active first..and then see about seeking help for myself, because in the grand scheme of things, I think there is probably children at risk...or maybe i'm being dramatic..Oh God, i just don't know.

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gothicmama · 01/12/2008 21:45

I think you have a good plan, by speaking out tyou may be teh final link in other pieces of information people have. You can always deny doing anything and it will not be metioned that it was you by anyone to any family members they speak to. You are a very strong person and by being pro-active will help to end the cycle your family has been caught up in please look after yourself

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ActingNormal · 02/12/2008 10:13

BeenAShock, I just want to add my support as well. You sound very strong and I think you will end up doing what makes you feel you have done the right thing.

Your parents were NOT strong to let people they knew were abusive be in contact with their children! (this is a sore point for me). They were putting their own feelings (of uncomfortable situation of confronting abusers) above their children's who it was their job to protect. This makes me very

That was their OWN children they neglected to protect. You are taking it so seriously that you feel you must protect child relatives not directly related to you (quite right) so you know how important this is but THEY couldn't even be strong enough to protect their OWN children! I'm sorry if I'm being unhelpful, whipping up your anger, but as I said, it is a sore point for me.

Will you be in physical danger from any of them if you speak out? I think it is a great idea to talk to someone from NSPCC with all their experience to help you. Maybe there isn't enough evidence for the authorities to do anything but at least you will know you have tried and done all you can. Then nobody can accuse you of being as bad as your parents.

The fears you feel about the family rejecting you/being angry with you if you speak out are probably similar to the fears your parents faced when they decided to do nothing, and yes, I guess I can understand them, I can see that it is really hard and you have to be really strong, but I find this stuff so hard to forgive.

Would writing letters to the parents of children you feel are at risk be an option? You could take time to get the words right and present the facts/evidence without seeming like you are trying to be spiteful (which some parents could accuse you of to defend themselves), you are just trying to do the right thing by the children, and say they had a right to know before they decide if they think they should take even the slightest risk with their children.

I know this is easy to say, but if family members care more about a 'scene being caused' and 'the boat being rocked' and feeling uncomfortable about confrontations and truth, more than the feelings of the people who have been abused and the protection of children who could be at risk now then do you really want those people in your life anyway?

I know it is hard to cope with being rejected by family and you want to feel you HAVE family rather than them cutting you off (or you cutting off from them). But going along in denial and not rocking the boat but letting the feelings eat your insides for years and make you depressed and ill etc is NO GOOD for you either.

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itsbeenashock · 03/12/2008 10:08

I don't believe it-After finally finding the nerve to do it-I rung NSPCC, and she said because their has already been a police investigation into my Maternal GF, that unless anything else comes to light, they will not get involved, and maybe i should have a word with my cousin

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gothicmama · 03/12/2008 12:27

oh I m shocked do you think the girl is at risk if so make an anoymous phone call to teh local authority duty team and they should investigate. You have been very strong

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itsbeenashock · 03/12/2008 15:10

I don't thin she's in any immediate danger gothicmama, she's only 2...am hoping that nothing will happen with her being so young iyswim, and as far as i am aware my cousin is meant to be moving out soon, I will have to speak to her, meant to be meeting up sometime this or next week, so shall try and get that arranged. What is the local authority duty team?

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gothicmama · 03/12/2008 20:52

duty teams are the teams who receive the first referrals about children or old people ect. or whom you can 'phone for advice if you are unsure if a situation ought o be happenning the numbers for these teams are usually on the local authority (council) website. I hope all goes well with your cousin

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itsbeenashock · 04/12/2008 14:53

OK thank you, will try and find out who to speak to.

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