Is sleeping forever the only way it will end?

[thenewme]

I am really struggling.

I feel like crying all the time. I can't remember the last time I properly smiled or had a good laugh.

I am in a deep hole and have no space or energy to get myself out of it.

Suicide is on my mind a lot. I don't want to die but I just want it all to end.

On ADs but no other support.

I wish I had a Mum.

[LilRedWG]

Call 08457 90 90 90 now - it's the Samaritans.

[stressedsanta]

oh sweetheart its ok im here for you i too am going through the mill at the mo went bankrupt last month and it all got too much for me .how long have you been on the ad's maybe go back to gp and tell him/her what your feeling there is help out there you just have to ask for it.my mum says she cares but does nothing to show it

[thenewme]

I have been on a higher dose for the last 2 weeks. They help a bit but I feel a bit like I am not quite plugged in.

I actually told my husband I wish I had never had the kids this morning. [embarrassed] I love them so much but I just don't know how to look after them.

[thenewme]

Should be [ashamed]

[cheesesarnie]

go back to gp.make an appointment for today.demand more help.

its very brave of you to post though.

[cheesesarnie]

its nothing to be ashamed of-not knowing how to look after them.did you tell him thats what you ment?what does he say?

[thenewme]

I am so touched at your kindness.

I need someone to show me how to be a mum.

[stressedsanta]

you are doing your best sweetie thats all any of us can do when im not well i explain it to my older two so they know why i dont do things with them if your kids are only young and do not understand they will not remeber the time mummy wasnt well,just do the basics and let the rest slide or ask dh for a bit more help around the house.i too have told dh in the past when i had pnd that i wished id never had our son and it was the depression talking not me i know that now i love him to bits now.make an appointment now please i want to know your ok xx

[Nohoper]

Please stick in there. I promise you that one day you will look back and feel grateful that you have come through such an awful patch and are able to enjoy life again. Please take the advice given by the previous posters - see your GP and contact Samaritans. I'm sending you good vibes and hugs.

[Poppycake]

so do so many of us, and think it every day - but not in such a dark place as you. Don't think you're on you're own tho. Like the others say, demand more help. That takes so much strength in itself.

[thenewme]

My GP was great when I first went to him and put me on the tablets but now he doesn't really listen. I don't know if I find it all so hard because I am depressed or just because I have no idea bout children. DH is fabulous but he has a very stressful job atm and talking to him when he is there doesn't help me and I am sure it just worries him.

[Notquitegrownup]

Do call the Samaritans, if you can, and talk to them. They won't mind, and it does help to put your feelings into words to a real person, even if they have no advice to offer, just a good listening ear. Is your health visitor good too? Failing that, there are always the wonderful MNetters to keep on talking to. What you are feeling is not unusual. Small children are precious, but such a challenge, and can reduce us IME to the lowest ebb ever. People will understand and won't judge you.

[girlandboy]

Call the Samaritans

Ring the gp's surgery and ask to speak to the health visitor regarding HOMESTART. If you feel baffled at being a mum, they will get someone to come to you to help you out.

Ask to see a different gp.

[stressedsanta]

agree homestart is fab i still see my lady she one of my best friends

[thenewme]

Homestart came and said they couldn't help me.

I have been allocated a new HV but haven't been to clinic yet. I just feel like I can never say what I am really feeling and that no one can help me.

My head is messed up and I am so tired of being like this.

[swanriver]

I used to go to a Church on Sunday with baby and toddler and just feel like crying because I didn't know anyone or know who to ask for help or if they would help. And leave Church feeling more abandoned than ever. And bursting into tears at Post natal visit when the nurse checks your mental health feeling unable to confess to desperation, and ending up with her ticking all the fine boxes. Its so easy to leave the surgery not quite having explained how bad you feel. My family were in another country as was my husband's. I didn't seem to know anyone in the area except superficially. My husband was at work, but otherwise helped a lot with house and three kids under 2yrs. He was very stressed. But although I felt unable to cope and angry with myself for being abandoned, and others for not rescuing me, I don't think I was suffering from clinical PND. You sound as if you do have it. I have two friends who have had it. They got help and although it was a long road they went on to enjoy their children. They are both fantastic mothers. It is an illness that needs lots of care - you can't possibly just soldier on. Please don't blame yourself for struggling. Try not to compare yourself to anyone else. Your babies want you, not anyone else however competent and well organised anyone else might be.
Sometimes I felt their little smiling faces kept me going, when I mothered them I was mothering myself too, and I was learning all the time.

[Notquitegrownup]

You can phone your hv and leave a message (may be easier than leaping straight into a discussion). Ask her to call you back or better, to visit you. It's exactly what she is there for.

Some are great at listening. My good friend phoned hers and asked her to tell her that she was really at the end of her tether, and although her kids were 5, 7 and 9 (I think hv support is only supposed to go up to 5), the health visitor was brilliant and spent an hour reassuring her and talking through strategies for coping.

Thinking of you.

[girlandboy]

Why did Homestart say they couldn't help.

Can you not ring them directly on 0800 068 63 68

Also see here

Tell them you could really do with some help, see what they say.

[Jackstini]

Sounds like counselling could really help if your GP won't listen any more.
Do you/can you get anyone to help you out with the kids? We all feel sometimes like we don't know what we are doing though!
BTW - I just want to say you are obviously a lovely person as even though you are so down I have seen you are posting on other threads still helping other MNers through some hard decisions - bless you.

[thenewme]

I am going to ring the clinic now before I lose my nerve.

Back in a minute.

[Jackstini]

Good for you

[thenewme]

Have rung.

She was lovely.

Didn't say anything about coming to see me but did talk to me and gave me some ideas.

She felt I needed conselling to put my past behind me and says the NSPCC help with that.

She also said it sounded like I had perfectly normal children who were lovely and I shouldn't be so hard on myself.

Thank you all.

[dsrplus8]

thenewme, things will get better, sometimes u just need to jiggle the meds a bit(with doc help) to find out what works best for you. have your meds been uped for more than 2 weeks? they should start to work better after 2 weeks ...if they dont or you feel like ending it all, go to doc or a&e and ask for them to be looked at again. good idea about the counceling,it does help.

[cheesesarnie]

well done for phoning.hope you get the help you need and deserve
dont forget mn is great for pouring out troubles and for advice on anything!i wish i had mn when i had pnd.
goodluck to you

[thenewme]

I put into practice something the HV suggested on the way home from school, several times,, and while I don't know if it has worked we had a much better response than usual. Normally I would shout and do it all wrong.