Been off Citalopram for a good three months or so now...but had first major panic attack in ages and feel like am slipping back...its just a blip right??

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

I've been off Citalopram for a good three months now and been coping very well, although had odd wobbly moments.

However, had my first panic attack in ages on Sunday night...left me reeling and so exhausted and stressed that couldn't go to work. Have an appt with the Dr today for advice but thought I would post on here too.

A lot has been happening in RL..DH was away for a month as MIL is terminally ill...he's come back now and there seems to be nothing but work as all of his shifts got pushed for when he came back, even though I asked him before he went to ensure this didn't happen as I knew it would cause stress for the pair of us. He wouldn't do it as he wants the money to pay for the trip abroad, even though he has savings he can use. So the bulk of the childcare is down to me while he is doing all these shifts.

He is talking about going for another month in Jan/Feb but nothing is certain as it all depends on his mum...the not knowing is stressing me out completely as I cope by knowing what's what and having plans in mind iyswim? Although have not said this to him as he has enough on his plate.

We haven't had a proper family holiday in a good 3/4 years - its all been trips abroad to see his mum and they haven't been very pleasurable as DH was grumpy and DS would hardly eat, tetchy etc.

The way things are going, its not looking like we will have a holiday next year either as he will have to use up all his hols to go and see his mum..again, all understandble in the circumstances but we have NO time as a family to just chill out and relax..no weekends away due to his shifts..nothing. It all seems to be about trips to see his family..saving up to go and then saving up to pay back anything after he's gone and its really pissing me off...been like this since we have got married and so I guess while I should be patient now given the cirumstances, I find myself annoyed with it -although again, have not shown this at all to him

Its getting too much and my work is seriously suffering, which again is stressing me out.

Have waffled a bit but needed to offload...any tips appreciated...

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

Sorry you're having a hard time Puss . Used to have panic attacks when younger and know how scary they can be. I can also relate to the anxiety when plans are up in the air.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

How do you cope with it? So don't want to go back on the AD's as they made me fat and screwed my metabolism up....although that has to be better than feeling like shit right?! Prob have to put TTC on hold too...bleugh...

[misselizabethbennet]

"needed to offload" - yes, you do! If what you say in your OP is true, you're keeping all this to yourself and not sharing any of it with DH.

Can you find a way of telling him how you feel without him thinking you're blaming him? Recognise that he's having a hard time but make sure he knows you are too, so you can support each other. If planning and being organised helps your anxiety, tell him that, whilst appreciating that there are some things you can't plan.

Needing time off either on your own or as a family is important and doesn't have to coss money - although he does need to make himself available.

Don't mean to sound crass, but how long has his Mum been given (as in weeks or years)? This could make a difference to how you deal with the situation.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

MissEliz (good nick btw..hope you are a Mr Darcy fan also...!) his mum was given 6 weeks to live 9 weeks ago. DH went over there fully expecting her to pass away while he was there. Thankfully, she hung on and is stable at the moment and he came back after a month, with plans to go again in Jan/Feb..however, as awful as this sounds...while I'm pleased she is hanging on as she is his mum after all, the not knowing is doing my head in.

The month he was away was no walk in the park for me, although I coped but the thought of doing it again ...bleugh..and he's said that if she declines while he is there, he may extend to 5, 6 or whatever it takes...I understand it as would be the same if was my mum but at same time am stressed to the max thinking about coping. His job, my job etc. I know I shouldn't be thinking ahead as its only Nov now and a lot can happen in a few weeks but as the time goes on, its looking more likely to happen and I'm getting all worked up...I shouldn't I know!

[misselizabethbennet]

So it's not for much longer then. There's really nothing else your DH can do, is there? He wants to be with her - you would want to if it was your mum. He may not even end up going in January at all. It's horrible for you too, and you're probably not getting credit for the coping and support you're doing, so I still think you should talk to him.

Regarding the January trip - you are doing what many of us do when we have anxiety - worrying about something that may not happen.

If you're coping OK now he's home (even though it's hard with the extra shifts) can you just take it one day at a time, and decide "I will worry about how to cope during his next visit on 2nd January". So if it pops into your head you can tell yourself - yes, this is a real problem and I will worry about it, but not until after the New Year.

Just hang in there and make sure you address your needs as an individual and as a family when this is all over.

This too shall pass.

Have to log off now until this eve but will check in later.

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

missbennet's suggestion is a good one - I do a similar thing when anxiety sets in. I try and think, is this something I can do anything about? If I can do something then I try and do that. If it's something I can't change I just have to tell myself that I can't change it, and so can't expend any more energy worrying about it. I know how easy this is to say but how tricky it can be to do in reality!

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Thanks for that...yes, I absolutely hate the worrying about something that may not even happen...I have been trying to put it out of my mind but, and I know this sounds awful, but the last few times DH has rung home and she's been stable, I've been delighted that she is ok but then started to think, ok, looks like Jan visit is on the cards etc.

I can't help it and it is so not good for me, I know that....its making me a person I don't want to be as I don't begrudge DH time with his mum iyswim but because he's going without us, I don't want it dragging on...selifsh horrible part of me is like, come on, you have a family and a life here too

[OrmIrian]

No advice I'm afraid but much sympathy. I've just started taking citalopram for anxiety and they are working really well. Not put on any weight so far. I've suffered from anxiety on and off for years but never this bad. And never really found any coping strategies.

It does sound as if you have a lot on your plate atm. Hope the Gp can come up with some suggestions.

[RhinestoneCowgirl]

It's really understandable that you feel conflicted - managing on your own with a small child without DH to help out is tough, and with the added worry about your MIL and the affect that this is having on DH. You're not selfish to have these feelings.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

I think as well, what isn't helping as that DH doesn't seem to show any appreciation for my support while he was away. Not once as he said thank you. Ok, I know DS is my son too but verbal appreciation would be good iyswim?

He never acknowledges how hard it would be for me, in fact he said something along the lines of I'm going, no matter what you say or do and that hurt so much because I haven't been negative about it at all and have done nothing BUT be supportive to him.

In the past, when we first got married, DH had to go alone as MIL didn't approve of me and insisted that our marriage was kept a secret. I used to give him hell about going then as I thought he should be standing up for me blah blah and its as if he expects me to give him hell again but I haven't and I wouldn't. In fact, it was me that encouraged him to take longer this time as I knew it was what he needed and I tried to put myself in his shoes and thought that's what I would want.I've also tried hard to find out loads of information about everything for him too.

Also as well, I feel a failure that I'm so worried about coping as think what about all these single parents or mums with DHs in the forces or whatever. But, have no family here at all and just want to go to my Mum's when DH is away - and feel a big fat failure that I feel like that. Feel as if should be strong and get on with it type

[misselizabethbennet]

Hi Puss - checking in as promised, but I'm sure (I hope) you're having a good sleep now.

I know how hard it is when DH is away and you're left to do everything, and you never get a word of thanks or even recognition that you've helped him do what he needs to. It is a form of selfishness, but probably understandable. And he is under very great stress and upset at the moment, so try not to judge him too much on current behaviour. If there's a longer-term problem, there's time enough to deal with this when the dust has settled on the current situation with his mum.

I don't mean to sound critical of you - not many people understand how horrible anxiety is and I truly sympathise.

You should not blame yourself for finding it hard to cope alone. You don't have to be perfect, and nor does DH.

What did the Doctor say? Have you been referred for counselling? This can be very helpful - perhaps not in the short term but definitely in the long term when patterns start to repeat. Counselling can help you understand situations (and your role in them) more clearly and avoid some of the same pitfalls in the future.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Aww - thank you. Dr was very nice but said he didn't think counselling would help...was a bit puzzled by that but he said that one panic attack is just a blip, doesn't mean that its all coming back and that I should take it for what it is and move on from that and not allow it to set me back but that the option of going back on the tablets was there in the future if so required.

I've got a months supply of antidepressants left though and just want to start taking them again as do not want to feel like this at all. DS was up at 2am puking everywhere which hasn't helped. We have decided to put the TTC on hold until at least the New Year as would be hell if he had to go home and I had morning sickness or tiredness or something - its not the right time right now.

DH is very very on the edge...am trying to get him to talk about it all, but he just bottles it up and then it all comes out when I don't need to hear it i.e at peak of anxiety attack or something! I've told him to get rid of any weekend shifts as we need more relaxing, family time and he said he would do it - whether that was just to shut me up, I don't know.

I think if MIL was here, the upheaval would be more understandable, but because she is abroad, people don't seem to realise that its still just as bad, but in a different way. The not knowing is awful - for everyone and I sometimes find myself that as its inevitable, wishing it was over with sooner rather than later and then get upset that I thought that!

On a lighter note, also worried about getting fat if go back on the ADs! lol

[misselizabethbennet]

Not sure I agree with your GP about the counselling - I know these services are stretched but it could help. Maybe you need so sound a bit more desperate when you go to see him! I should have mentioned earlier but I once had a course of acupuncture for another reason, when I was very stressed - the acupunturist included relaxation/stress relief in her treatment and it was truly remarkable. Very expensive to book privately (mine was £50 a session) but if I ever felt properly bad again I would be back to her like a shot.

In a way the doc is right about moving on from the panic attack. I don't know how long you've had anxiety but I learned only after coming off ADs that I could have bad days, and then feel really fine again later. Once I realised this, it made the bad days much easier to deal with. I could tell myself 'yes, I feel bad now but I know that I can feel like this and it isn't for very long'. Expecting to never feel anxious again is unrealistic - being generally happy despite the odd anxious time is more achievable. So yes, you had a panic attack but that doesn't mean you have to go back on AD's or that your anxiety 'is back'.

Do what you can to cheer yourself up - even if DH will only agree to family time grudgingly, it will still help you all so go ahead.

Learning more about anxiety as a medical condition is also a great help - you can understand how physical changes in your body cause real symptoms that make you feel panicky. Sorry if I'm preaching to the converted, btw!

And not wanting to get fat is important - poor self esteem is not going to help you at all.

I have rambled. Sorry.

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Thanks for all your advice. I felt so crap last night I took one of my ADs...got a whole month's supply left so am just going to start taking them again....will think about weaning myself off them again when this situation with the MIL reaches a conclusion cos atm, I don't feel strong enough to cope with it all and DH's moods on top of that. He's been understanding with the panic attacks but I just know he's thinking great, I don't need this now with mum dying ...can't say I blame him really.

[wotulookinat]

Reading this has worried me, Pussin - I was thinking about coming off the Citalopram soon but I think I shall stay on it for a while longer.
What made you want to stop taking it?

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Wotu - wanted to TTC no 2 and wanted all medication out of my system. I weaned off them relatively quickly though - over the course of about three months and I was off them...maybe it was too quick.

Don't let whats happening to me put you off though - my MIL has been diagnosed with terminal cancer (see my first post to explain it all) and a lot has been going on - probably wouldn't have needed to go back on them if this hadn't happened if I'm honest...

Depends on how you feel in yourself as well - how long have you been on them and how are you feeling now?

[wotulookinat]

I've been on them since the New Year. We have spoken about TTC DC2 - are the tablets really bad for that then?

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

As far as I am aware, you can TTC and actually be PG on citalopram BUT I'm very twitchy about any form of medication during pregnancy so...just a personal thing. I maybe wrong though, you would need to check with GP before TTC on ADs just to be on the safe side

[wotulookinat]

I did mention it to him a couple of months ago and he said he didn't think now was the right time to TTC. But I think I have done well in the time that has passed since, but not ready to come off ADs yet.
God, sorry for the hijack!

[PussinJimmyWhoooos]

Oh no worries - nice to talk to others taking ADs as well! Yes I did think that it was perhaps a little early for you to come off them..you need to give them a good year and then there is the weaning off of them. I personally think I would have been ok but the whole MIL situation and the resulting tension has put a big spanner in the works. But...will get through it