Called the Samaritans last night but. couldnt talk....

[downtoday]

Must have phoned them about 4 times but each time they answered I just couldnt talk to them it was too painful. I have sunk into depression again and am feeling so low I want to be happy again I want to be a better parent I want to want to live again but each day its getting worse I just want out - I am going to see GP on Friday expect he will diagnose anti depressants (had them in the past) I need to talk to sometone I dont have anyone in RL and cant seem to summon up the courage to even talk to the samaritans - I need to post to get out how I am feeling - no one around me seems to even know how much pain I'm in they all see me getting up every day going to work dealing with teh children no one sees past that - my son does sometimes I think but he is only 10 I dont want to burden him with all the crap I am feeling - I just want to feel something again I look at my kids and all they do is irritate me that dont fill me with joy and I feel bad about that I went to see a friend yesterday who usually really cheers me up and I came away from there feeling depressed - I hate my life right now and I know that I would never end it or anything I couldnt bear to do that to my children but sometimes I do so wish I would just fall asleep and not wake up - my children's father and I are not really a couple anymore kinda of like friends but not frineds ie. I cant confide in him how I am feeling he doesnt notice he doesnt support me I have no one close I feel so sad today so sorry for myself - OK thats it my rant is over

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

Ah you poor love.
Can you go to see the Samaritans - they have walk-in centres - might be easier with the human contact than over the phone?

[sundew]

Hi downtoday

sorry I can't really offer any advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered. You do really need to find someone to talk to in RL and reading your post I think you need to go and see your GP today.

My DH suffers from depression so I understand a little of what you are going through. Please phone the samaritans again and chat - it is entirely confidential and they will not judge you in the slightest.

Can you ask someone to look after your dc today and have some time out to go and chat with a friend about how you are feeling - or go and have a massage or go and see your GP.

It will get better I promise

[sundew]

another good site is www.cognitivebehaviourtherapy.org.uk/guides

[downtoday]

thanks for your posts - I am going to ask about counselling too when I see my gp - I work full time and so dont have much time to myself - been having time off too because of physio appointments so dont really want to start taking too much time off for counselling too as I would not be able to do it in the evenings only really early monring or lunch times.

I dont have a friend I can chat to - I have a couple of people that I just have lunch with sometimes but I dont ever really discuss how I am feeling my closest friend and I parted company about a year ago because she was using me as an alibi and I felt used.

Trying to get a GP appointments is really difficult too so will have to stick to my friday appointment. the problem is I dont have a regular GP just a series of locums so cant even chat to GP.

I hate feeling this low and just want it to end

[hammouhouseofhorror]

Mayebe talking on here is a good start, if you can sort your thoughts out in writing maybe they will be easier to express in words.

It probably doesn't feel like it but there are loads of people who feel like this at sometime and there is a way out. Admitting it is a really big step and one of the bravest ones. Keep trying the samaritans and do go to the doctors..maybe you could print your thread off to show him/her as a start.

Try and remember you deserve to feel better and even if you make slow progress you will get there in the end. It is quite normal to feel like that about your children and it is not surprising as you are under so much stress.

Can you do a little something for yourself everyday, aven after your DC's have gone to bed?

It is not a 'rant' downtoday, you are feeling fragile and need some love and support and at least you know you can get it on here. I would like to offer you all my support and a hug and really hope you feel at least a little better soon, and take the first steps towards healing your pain.

[downtoday]

Thanks for your posts I hope that I will feel better soon - I get so anxious too - I think I might have lost something and then cant stop myself thinking about it - it can be a receipt etc - it happened this morning and I had to literally stop myself from leaving work to go home and find it - been depressed before but this anxiety about small stuff is something new - not sure where it has come from

[snowleopard]

So sorry you feel so bad. The samaritans are very used to this happening, and it is still a way of making contact and letting someone be there for you, even if they are only listening to your silence. Keep phoning them if you want to, and you may eventually be able to talk, or have a cry just knowing that someone is there to hear.

You can talk on here as well without saying a word, and you have taken that step.

Depression and anxiety like this often can be treated really well with a combination of meds and counselling. Good luck with getting a sympathetic GP on Friday.

[downtoday]

thought I was going mad - having to check my car door 2 or 3 times - going back to see if I left the oven on - when I havent even used it!!!

Hope the meds kick in quick !!!

[CharleeInChains]

You can email the Samaritans [email protected] and you will get a reply i have found it usefull in the past when i have felt unable to speak over the phone or face to face.

[downtoday]

I did email them once and did not get a reply thanks for the tip though - its really hard to talk for me but think thats what I am really missing in my life the ability to talk - I used to tell my best friend about everything that was bothering me not always the minute it happened but eventually but havent got her anymore - and really dont see a way back to our being friends again - what a sad case I am - billy no mates too

[Kathyis6incheshigh]

If you haven't got many friends at the moment it's not because you're a billy no-mates, it's because you've got kids! It's so hard to keep the usual social life going and stay in touch with everyone when you are working and looking after children. We always used to wonder why my parents didn't seem to have much of a social life when I was a child - now I get it Def not something else to beat yourself up over.

[hammouhouseofhorror]

Definately not billy-no-mates. Don't know how old your DC's are apart from 10 yr old DS. Friends you can rely on don't come over night but could you make a start by getting involved in something where you will meet new people. Even if it is a school/child orientated thing?
My friendship with one of my best friends grew like that, not because we were both mums but we slowly connected over time.

[downtoday]

I have never been one for loads of mates etc always kind of stuck to one to tell everything to and a few others for lunch evenings out etc. I suppose I miss my best friend really - but I dont - I have become more reclusive over the last few years - always been a bit of a loner and dont actually mind my own company but kind of remember that even when we were friends didnt feel comfortable talking about my depression - would talk about life events children and my dcs father when problems arose. I like to keep people at a distance and as for making friends with mums at school - only get to go in once a week and I do say hello and pass the time of day with them but really I know it sounds harsh dont have the time and even the inclination for more than that. Not really very friendly am I .

I think I have suffered depression in bouts for most of my adult life although only had meds 2 or 3 times. Feel old fat and ugly - my dcs father (dd 5 and ds 10) and I as I say are not really a couple anymore we dont live together etc we get on OK but its been a gradual split rather than a sudden break up. I just feel there is nothing that makes me happy anymore - my children used to do this but they dont anymore - I am going out to lunch now as dont want to cry at my desk again

[amiatimewaster]

Downtoday, reading what you've been saying, it really could be me you're describing. You manage to put into words exactly how I feel most of the time too.

Just wanted to add my support here. Do go to the GP on Friday and ask them about counselling. I've been referred and plucked up the courage to send in the referral sheets so I'm waiting to hear from them any day now.

I'm think I'm a loner too, although I hate having to accept this about myself. I do have a few friends, but for the last few years tbh I'm "happier" in my own company.

I leave most social encounters feeling like I've upset people / been morose / been boring etc. etc., so that's probably why I'm happier on my own!

Just wanted you to know that you're not alone in how you're feeling. I think the idea of taking a copy of this thread to the gp it a great idea if you're not sure about how to explain things to them. You've done a seriously good job on here

Good luck with everything, you're already making a start on dealing with it, well done you!

[downtoday]

Hi Ami - hope you are feeling better soon. Strangely today I dont feel as bad as yesterday posting helped I think. I have been told that GP hate lists etc so not sure about taking this thread with me our gps have a set 10 minute time scale for each patient so dont know if he could read it in that time but I have made a list to take and read off to him about how I feel. Thanks for your kind words everyone

[amiatimewaster]

If you don't feel he's listening to you / understands you, you're completely within your rights to ask to see someone else.

Good luck x