I suspect dp needs some more professional help but can't persuade him of it. What can I do?

[ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR]

He is depressed.

He has a history of being depressed and the doc has in the past prescribed him beta blockers to help with his stress levels.

He won't take them because he thinks that he is okay and it's me, the kids, the house etc. that are the problem, and if I would only tidy up more, the kids would be quiet more, the remote control wouldn't go missing etc. then everything would be all right.

If I suggest he takes a pill, he gets really agitated and quite aggressive, it's not him needing a pill, it's me being (insert insult of choice here)

He hasn't touched me in weeks, he is obviously very unhappy but when I try to talk to him he says that it doesn't matter what him or me feel as long as the kids are happy. I can't make him see that he is making us all unhappy.

He lost his job in July and whilst he is less stressed, he is getting less and less able to cope with the world, I have to make every decision and I seem to be responsible for absolutely everything within the household. It is starting to get me down as well now.

I want to help him, I want him to come out of the other side of this.

I also want all our lives to be happier.

Any suggestions?

(btw, if you see me elsewhere on the board, please don't mention this thread, everywhere else I'm trying to be happy happy happy...)

Thanks all.

[ThreadieKrueger]

Bumping this for you because it looked about to drop from active convos.

I wish I had something really helpful to suggest, but in my experience it is really hard to encourage an unwilling, depressed man to see his GP.

But I do want to suggest that you don't bother trying to get him to take the beta blockers. I think they just help with some of the physical symptoms of stress fluttery heart, sweating, rapid breathing etc wiothout making you feel better. GP gave them to me to take when sitting driving test -- help you to get on wihtt a task, but not to feel happier.

Focus on asking him to see GP instead.

Sorry not more helpful.

[bellavita]

Don't know what to say Squonk, but am giving you a much deserved squeeze and a hug xx

[ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR]

thank you both.

bellavita - I'll take you up on the offer of chocolate cake.

Anyone got any ideas about how to get him to the docs?

[PandorasBox]

get out now and let him sort himself out. You are better than this.

[lulumama]

oh squonkalicious

losing his job must have been a horrible blow to him

you must be worn out too

can you see your GP and talk about it , and she/he might have some useful suggestions

any other family members or friends who he might take notice of, or do you think he is too far gone for that?

[lulumama]

that is very bad advice IMO , pandora

why should she leave? if he had a physical , rather than a mental illness, would you be saying the same? he needs support and help, not to be left to stew in his own juice

[bellavita]

Do they do a "Well Man / Well Woman" clinic at your doctors? Just thinking maybe you could make an appointment for both of you to go and ease him in gently that way?

[bellavita]

PandorasBox - that was harsh

[pippibluestocking]

Well siad, Lulu.

[ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR]

PandorasBox - thanks for your input.

I do feel that I am better than this.

But if I walked away from him now when he needs me (even though he doesn't think he does need me) then what sort of person would that make me?

He is ill.

Good idea about me going to see the docs, I never thought of that.

Bellavita - I don't know about a well woman/well man clinic - I'll check.

lulu - his family are all back in Manchester and he's not particularly close to any of them. His parents are both dead and there's only really a sister that he has anything to do with (not his choice ) Nope, I'm on my own on this one...

[lulumama]

oh angel, what a predicament.

definitely see the gp

maybe you could tell him that regardless of how well he thinks he is coping, you are not coping and are going to get help for you, and he is welcome to come too. to support you

[PandorasBox]

maybe having the other side - the dark side that is there but you don't want to acknowledge - is put before you you can see how far you are from that.

that was my motive.

I have been there and that helped me to know that i DID want to stick with it and sort it.

[ScottishMummy]

sorry to hear of difficult times/low mood will affect his motivation,self esteem,judgement

denial is a powerful defence mechanism to protect oneself from stress/pain so he denies low mood and attributes difficulty to housework/unrelated factors. to defend against actual stressors

go to gp again for assessment and if he is unhappy with meds a discussion about them too.

are you getting any support
are you coping ok

[hammouhouseofhorror]

Im in a similar situation squonk, and was advised to leave. But I had to ask myself what people would think if he had left me when I had PND x2.

I went to the doctors and am on a low dose of citalopram to help with the stress because it gets so overwhelming.

I got H to go to the doctors but she said he wasn't depressed....she should try living with him!

I am starting to feel a little better and have learnt to distance myself a little from his incessant complaining so that it doesn't drag me down. I don't often offer an opinion but give a non committed answer. (avoids arguments). I also focus on the Dc's as much as possible.

Try and do something for yourself whenever you can, maybe take up running or something. I did and lost loads of weight which helped me feel better about myself. Also took up a 'hobby' so that I had something to say I had created. It all helped with my self esteem which was dragging on the floor.

I don't know how you get him to acknowledge that he has a problem but you do need to be a little selfish and take care of yourself. Yes for your Dc's and Dh but for yourself also as it is easy to get lost through this.

I quite enjoy coming on Mn and being happy on other threads as it helps me avoid how tough reality gets sometimes.....

Thinking of you and hope you get through this..

[ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR]

hammouhouseofhorror. Thank you. Your post has made me cry (that's a good thing)

I think a trip to the docs is in order for me anyway and we'll see where we go from there. Does your dh accept you having a hobby? When I've done things for me before, he tends to get himself worked up. I know that it's not because he wants to stop me from doing things, but he is really struggling to cope with anything on his own and if I'm not here, I worry about how he will cope with simple things. He also doesn't seem to understand that sometimes I want to just get away from him, the house, the kids... he feels like that too, but he just goes out. Not an option for me.

I don't want to make him worse by my going off and doing my own thing iykwim.

[Dropdeadfred]

Oh Squonky sad]

I don't know what to say but I just wanted you to know that I am really sorry that you are feeling like this - I don't have any experience of it so feel like I cannot give any advice but want you to know I am thinking about you and hoping you can get through this.

Can you write him a letter letting him know how much he means to you and the kids?
Can you remind him of a really good time you had and gently tell him that you are hoping there will be times like that again just around the corner?

[ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR]

thank you fred

both good ideas and I will do that, but I think at the moment he's in too dark a place to respond well to them.

[Dropdeadfred]

Squonk - DH and I have been through the mill over the last few years (most you know but some is too personal even for here) but if you two love each other you WILL see light at the end of the tunnel.

One thing I would say is your DP needs to know the value of YOU. He is in a bad place right now and things seem terrible, but despite that he does need to acknowledge that he has an amazing partner and three beautiful dcs. So please don't let caring for him make him get away with forgetting that!

[ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR]

oh fred! that made me cry as well! (also a good thing)

I know you're all right.

He's been busy (as you know, fred) decorating and building a hen house and that's kept him okay but now it's finished he seems really lost. I was wondering whether to find another project for him asap.

[blueskyandsunshine]

Hi Sqonk you sound so patient and ready to try anything. Your husband is so lucky that you are trying, trying trying to make it work.

I'm in a similar situation and after reading your post am taking a breath. I just wanted to let you know I have tried Pandora's threat last week and today. At some level I meant it for the sake of the children. But not really.

The first time there was a response in terms of more effort to be cheerful and positive. But I am here again, saying it again, after a very bad day, and the problem is, when he is that down nothing seems to get through. This is how it seems to me: that with such low self-esteem he thinks "Well it's no more than I deserve".

I've not handled this at all well and don't give advice except to let you know that this threat is such a terrible one, and where to you go from there. He will not see anyone professionally and that's that. I wish I knew the answer to your question. I agree with you that it's the whole "in sickness and in health" thing.

Thoughts x

[ScaryHalloweenSquonkRAAR]

for you bluesky...

it's shit isn't it!

[blueskyandsunshine]

Ain't it though. I'm going to try to get him to read a self-help book and after that I am out of ideas.

[ScottishMummy]

awwww hard time MsSquonk

[hammouhouseofhorror]

If I am honest squonk it hasn't always made things better between us. As both of my Dc's are at school and I am self-employed I try do what I can when I am on my own during the day. It is hard at weekends and in the holidays but he has come round to it a little bit. (after I lost weight that became an issue because he assumed it was for someone elses benefit). Very very sadly I have developed an emotional atttatchment to someone else, not done anything but as if life wasn't hard enough, that hurts like f**k as well.

Sadly I seem to spend a lot of my time and energy trying to stop us from being together as a family too much , as it just doesn't work, but the thought of splitting up is frightening.

I do some things when the telly is on, I knit...helped with comfort eating as well. Some simple meditation techniques have helped a little, and coming on Mn. And being irritatingly cheerfull whenever I can...(weak smile emoticon).

I hope the weekend was Ok for you....