please help me overcome this

[rascalboys]

I am posting this here because I am hoping people here will understand me. And I do believe this is a mental health issue.

If this is long, please bear with me as I just need to get it all out.

Basically, I just can't stop worrying about offending people. If I see one friend I feel really bad to other friends, especially if they also know this friend.

For example, me and some other mums from DD's nursery were invited to a another mums house for lunch yesterday. So, I went, but all night I couldn't sleep because I was worried my best friend would be offended because she too knows this mum and wasn't invited. I had to tell her I didn't need a lift back to the school because I was going to another mums house, and I felt awful. Saw her after and although I had had a really nice time at lunch, I had to play it down, even making it sound boring so that I don't feel bad I had a good time without her. Now I worry the mum who invited me will get to hear of that and think i wasn't grateful!

Also, I am pg and lots of friends have offered me baby/maternity stuff. I greatly appreciate this, but I don't tell other friends who haven't incase they feel bad for not giving me their stuff, and I don't want them to feel bad!

One more example..a neighbour asked me to go round and look at her new kitchen she'd had. I went round but when my close friend neighbour asked what I was doing there, I went to pieces, feeling guilty for going!

I think what doesn't help is that my two closest friends are always running other people down. I don't do this, I hate it. And if ever I say I've been talking to so and so, or visiting so and so, they always say something negative about that person. I usually nod my head to agree with them as I don't want to disagree with my friend, and always end up feeling crap!

This is really eating me up inside and I think I need help - unless it's just pregnancy hormones.

Is anyone else out there like me?

I just want to be able to go where I want and do what I want without feel guilty all the time!

[maidamess]

It sounds like you are sadly lacking in confidence. Its very sweet to worry about other people all the time, but try to think of it this way: do you think they are affording you the same priviledge? Its good to be caring and inclusive..but you can't please everyone all of the time. I'm not sure how you can shift your thinking towards this, as it sounds quite ingrained.

Once your baby comes though, I think you are going to have to become as selfish as you can...family will be wanting to visit and help and you will be torn in all directions trying to keep everyone happy and included.

I have a friend who is very like you, and is miserable most of the time as her extra efforts to include everyone largely go unappreciated. See if you can go for just one day pleasing yourself. You can still be a kind person, just put your needs first.

About your friends, they are entitled to their opinion. It is possible to disagree without upsetting people. You can say something non commital like 'oh, do you really think that?'

I do feel for you, I think what you are feeling is very common. I'm sure other MNers will have good advice for you.

[rascalboys]

thanks maid. I do lack confidence. I moved to a new area 10 years ago and had a child. Then my marriage broke down and I was left here alone with a baby. It took years to make any new friends where I live and all of a sudden it seems I have loads and I'm finding it hard to deal with. I got used to being a bit of a loaner, but back then I only dreamt of having lots of friends!

I think I'm scared of losing them, I don't know why they want to be my friend! I am very kind and always offering lifts to friends and their children when raining etc, but I think I am probably a boring friend! I also analyse every conversation. I hate being like this.

[maidamess]

You wouldn't have lots of new friends if you were boring. You sound lovely and kind.
I think you just need to get some perspective on pleasing others all the time, which is impossible and will leave you feeling wrung out and ultimately, resentful.

[maidamess]

this sounds similar

[baytree11]

Hi, just want to leave a message here really, rascalboys, i think it's so sweet that you often think about others, you are such a nice person, and i think that's why you have so many friends. I think i am a bit like you, i am a very easy going person and i am certainly not selfish..having said that, I think it's not healthy to constantly worry about what others might think of you ..honestly, if you have done your best, its up to them to think whether they like you or not, if they don't, fine, you don't need friends like that do you?

I don't think you are a miserable person...I think you are very sweet indeed, just stop worrying about others, also, people who keep saying negative things about others are shallow, ( my opinion anyway). Be happy and be proud of who you really are. :O

[bluestripes]

Yes it does sound similar to me! I also worry the whole time about upsetting people or saying the wrong thing - it's so draining!! I would love to be one of those people who just chats and is totally relaxed and has heaps of mates. I spend the whole time worrying if what I have said has upset the other person or if I have come across as odd as i'm trying to hard not to offend them!!

[baytree11]

I think I used to be a bit like that...but I have been through alot recently and i have really learned what life is all about..its about live your life to the full and be happy.

Appreciate what you've got and be thankful. By the way, i am pg too, due next month.

[rascalboys]

seems me and bluestripes have something in common - thanks maidamess!

Baytree, your post is lovely, thank you. I do think about others all the time and it is wearing me out. My best friend moved into my street from another area and as she doesn't know many people here yet, I think I have to be with her all the time. I give her a lift every day, have her kids round for tea, and generally invite her along to everything I do. BUT, I can't when it's at someone elses house and that's when I panic.

She works a few odd days here and there and it is so much easier when she does because I can be myself those days!

She is generally a much friendlier person than me, she is very confident and thinks nothing of inviting people she's just met round to hers, whereas I hold back incase they say no. But she always invites me along too.

I think we need to have separate friends as well as the same friends but it's so hard to make that break.

[rascalboys]

not long to go then baytree! I am only 4 months so a bit longer to go for me!

I have been through so much crap in the last few years but I coped with that very well. Now I am remarried to a lovely lovely man, have lovely kids, a modest but lovely home in a nice area and I am lucky enough to work the hours I want to, from home. So, I really don't know why I am so anxious all the time. Maybe all the stuff I went through before is coming out now in the form of low self-esteem and no confidence?

[baytree11]

I lost my son last year, he was born with an incurable condition, there was no prior warning ( as we even paid for a private scan just to make sure everythings fine, we were told that we're expecting a healthy boy), but its not the doctor;s fault, its a very rare condition and no test or scan could have picked it up. He only lived 4 & 1/2 months. It was the hardest thing i have ever experienced in my whole life. Long story. I remember him and miss him everyday, anyway, my point is, my son has taught me all about life, I think , honestly, you only live once, I am healthy and i have a wonderful DH and supportive family, I don't give a sh''t about what others think now. Sometimes, friends just come and go, some stay good friends some don't..that's life, you just get on with your life and be honest with yourself, if you have done your best, if you are a good person, don;t worry about others.

[bluestripes]

rascalboys - it really does sound like we are in the same position. I too have a friend near by who I feel I have to invite to everything too and worry if I don't! I also hold back inviting people to things incase they don't really want to do it! After I have seen someone I then go over and over all our conversations in my head to make sure it all went well! nightmare!!

All these things are totally insignificant in comparison to your loss though baytree. Very sorry to hear about your son.

[baytree11]

bluestrips and rascalboys, people like you two are just too kind..almost too sweet and lovely in my opinion..your friends are lucky to have friends like you ladies, blessed them.

I am ok, i don't stay miserable though every now and then i do get upset when thinking about my son, he was my first, but hey, i am pg again and our baby no.2 is due next month, fingers crossed, i am just thankful that DH & I have been given another chance to be parents again.

[rascalboys]

Gosh Baytree, I am SO sorry to hear that, and it really has put all this into perspective, what on earth am I worrying about? We also had a lot to deal with when my DD was born, she had a structural defect, but not at all life threatening but we do deal with the repercussions every single day.
I have just had a private scan in this pg also and everything SEEMS okay.

You are a very strong, level headed person Baytree, I wish I could be like you.

Bluestripes - are we the same person?!!

[maidamess]

I'm sensing a theme here today!