Post Natal Deppression - A Partners query

[loneSoldier]

I am the partner of someone I believe has Post Natal Depression. She has managed to hide the symptoms so well that I did not spot that she was really struggling; I just thought she was having the same problems as every first time mum.

It has now come out that she feels 'numb' and has never really felt that she has bonded with our son (now 7 months old). He was taken away from her at birth as he was ill for a few weeks and I think this may have affected her as she felt very alone.

I am due to take her to the doctors, but I know she will not be fully open with them. I am concerned for her and my baby; but I am not sure how best to deal with this.

Any advice would be appreciatted.

A father.

[littleboo]

Hi lone soldier.
Glad that you are both going to the Drs, they should be able to pick up on her low mood from visual clues etc, so even if she is very good at hiding things then it can be detected. Also they often know the probing questions which somehow make the flood gates open.
Please try to be strong for her and patient ( i know this can be difficult) but if you can support each other you will both come out stronger in the end.
PND is horrible for the mum and for all the family concerned and the most important step forward is the one you've made - to acknowledge that there may be something wrong. Please try to reasure her that the bond with your little one will come, in some it just takes time. We're not all blessed with an overwelming rush of motherly love, for some slow and steady, but it will happen.
I suffered with PND with my 3 little ones ( wasn't in my case picked up until 2nd one was 1 yr old, so I can understand how difficult things are for both of you.
Have you spoken to the GP yourself or to the HV they can also be a good support.
Good luck. You will i'm sure get lots of support and advice on here.

[loneSoldier]

Thanks.

I am just really worried that My son will pick up on it, or maybe not getting the care that he should. She say's she is really 'just going through the motions' as if looking after someone else's child.

Is that how it feels?

[waitingtobloom]

I have had pnd twice - but every mum will probably experience it differently. It is great you are looking after her and care for her - but dont push her too much. I have found my DH just being there, asking if Im ok, helping out with things the best.

To me I loved my son very much and I cared for him (in hindsight) fantastically. But I feared I wasnt looking after him well enough/being a good enough mum etc. A lot of mums with pnd actually care really well for their babies for this reason! I did feel detatched but detatched from life not my son. I cared for him fierecely but never felt it was enough and did not really enjoy looking after him due to all these fears.

PND to me was like an incredible feeling of sadness like someone had died or an important relationship ended. But there was no logic to it - I cried and cried and cried but could never explain why I was crying. I was also very panicky and hated being out in public.

I would never have harmed myself or my son but sometimes wished I wasnt alive as it was so so painful

I also felt very lonely - I missed my old life and routine where I saw friends at work every day and was mentally stimulated.

Will write some more later - DD crying very loudly!

[loneSoldier]

Thanks waitingtobloom.

Us blokes have it easy

We have been to the doctors now and she has been prescribed something to increase her 'serotonin' which hopefully will improve things.

I so much want her to connect with our son as he is the best thing that's ever happened and she is missing out on some amazing things.

Apparently a couple of weeks for things to improve......fingers crossed.

[wingandprayer]

glad to hear she is now getting he help she needs. Did doctor offer counselling too because for me that was equally part of getting better ?

Just word of warning sometimes the drugs can make you feel a bit worse before you feel better but hang on in there. She's done a very brave thing admitting it so just keep up the reassurance an support, make sure she takes the pills, talk lots and it will all help with recovery.

[TotalChaos]

anti-depressants can take between two and six weeks to start working. side effects tend to be worst for up to a fortnight while your body adjusts (so e.g she might feel a bit sleepy/have a dodgy tummy/not have much appetite temporarily). HV may know of useful things your partner can do that might help her feel a bit better - friendly baby groups/activities or gym class with creches. some areas have stressed mum/PND support groups, she might (or might not!) like to talk to others in the same situation. Does she get a chance to go out with friends without the baby/follow any interests she had before she had your son, as that can also help with depression.

[loneSoldier]

The doctor was adamant that there would be no side effects, as it is only replacing serotonin that should already be there - I, however don't know of many drugs that don't come with side effects.

We were told that, although counselling is probably a good idea; it takes about 2 MONTHS!! before getting an apointment.

[slim22]

just wanted to say that it will make such a difference having a supportive partner.
Just try and not give her the impression you are watching over her shoulder. You obviously mean well, but she might feel that you are watching her moves.

[slim22]

sorry sounds a bit harsh.
What I mean is well done and carry on in the same direction.
It's obviously difficult for you. You are doing the right thing

[wotulookinat]

Hi Lonesoldier. I am just coming out of the darkness of PND and my son is 2 at the end of the month. Until he was about 14 months old, I wanted nothing to do with him and would just ignore him. Luckily, my other half was suppoertive and took over. I finally admitted that something was wrong and went to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressants, which made the world of difference, despite the early side-effects.
I have had counselling too, and I am now having CBT, which I think will be very helpful.
There is a lot of help out there. YOu could have a look atyour local NetMums site, as they usually have a PND section that you might find helpful. Asking at your local children's centre or Surestart place might be good too - I found out about a wonderful place called the Well Woman Centre though my children's centre and the WWC are very helpful and have organised my CBT.
I don't think that my son has suffered as a result. He was very much loved by my other half and I now have a great relationship with him.

[loneSoldier]

Thankou both.

I am trying not to 'stand guard' over her, as she has been very good with him and never given me any concerns.......you just start to look for things when you become aware of a problem.

It sounds like so many of you have gone for very long periods of time without any diagnosis, that must of been heartbreaking.

I had maybe hoped that she would suddenly 'see the light' after a few weeks on Fluoxetine, but it looks like I will need to be a little more patient.

[GooseyLoosey]

If there is no change after a few weeks go back to the GP. Fluoxetine works for some people and not others. There are other drugs in the same group which work better for some people and it can take a while to find the right one. Don't give up.

[Flamebat]

He said no side effects from Fluoxetine??

She may feel a bit lower for the first couple of weeks - I know for me (on it for the normal depression) I seem to slump that bit more before picking up again.

[Monkeytrousers]

It won't harm your son as long as he has not been abused or terribly neglected, so don;t worry about that.

The SSRi will help to adjust the chemical imbalance that causes PND, counselling will maybe help her deal with the feelings of guilt she may have for feeling like she has somehow failed as a mother and help her see that is is never too late to connect with your child.

The important thing is to try and take it a day at a time and not be devestated by setbacks - they will become less and less - but it is a long road so having short term goals are much more managable then long term ones - even weekly goals. For both of you.

You sound like a very sensitive and loving partner but perhaps you need help to manage some things too. Be careful not to build up resentments, secretly feeling that she has failed in her duites. It's okay to feel these things, it's how you manage them that is vital. And it's prefectly natural, but that doesn't mean that they are right or correct - in exactly the same way that your partner is feeling very real emotions that are not necessarily a true refection of how things are.

[wotulookinat]

I had fluoxetine (Prozac) a few years ago and found that it turned me into a bit of a zombie. Citalopram has been much better for me. Do give it a few weeks to see if there is a difference, and as Flamebat says, she may well feel a bit worse for a couple of weeks before she feels better.

[loneSoldier]

I didn't realise that Fluoxetine was the same as Prozac (I had that for a time myself once).

I found it to be quite strong but I think Prozac was a higher dosage than 20mg?

Have other people found Flouxetine to be a bit heavy?

[wotulookinat]

I didn't realise when I started to take it either.
It did get me through a tough time - a bad job, my sister died and my partner left me, all within a year, but it all passed in a bit of a fog. Well, a really heavy fog, actually! But it works for many people.
I have found Citalopram to suit me better this time. It's enabled me to regain some motivation and to actually do things.

[loneSoldier]

Thanks Wotu. I will make a not of the name in case this type doesn't work out. Is it still based on Serotonin?

[GooseyLoosey]

Yes, Fluoxetine is a "selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor" just as Citalopram is. Niether really worked for me, I was better on Sertraline (another one which works on the same principles).

[littleboo]

lone.s - glad your wife went to see GP and good to start on medication. The wait to see a counsellor ( although frustrating) is not really such a bad things as you need to be a level where you would be receptive to the help and type of treatment ie CBT.
Generally the side effects are poss nausea, stomach upset.... and it will take some time for any noticable effect.
I think you sound very supportive, just keep doing what you can.

[HeinzSight]

loneSoldier, am glad you are posting here. I suffered cripping PND with my 3rd baby, she's now 12 months. I was prescribed Fluoxetine when she was 4 months old and in a matter of weeks I started to see 'me' come back.

It truly is an awful place to be. I haven't read the entire thread but my advise to you would be to try and do as many practical things as you can, washing etc, sit with her, listen to her (even if she repeats herself over and over), try and get her out of the house and do fun things, make sure she's eating well.

She sounds like a very lucky lady to have such a supportive husband, your support is invaluable. Keep strong and look after you too.

Finally, she will get better, believe me, I've been through it 3 times! I'm completely normal now, well as normal as I ever was!

Good luck

[Monkeytrousers]

No, I found it great. You can get it in a variety of doses. I was on 20mgs daily which I think is average

[loneSoldier]

Thanks to you all for taking the time to respond, and I hope you don't mind the lesser sex invading your space. I couldn't find anywhere for men to discuss anything other than cars/football/page 3.

Thanks Again.
Lone soldier

[wotulookinat]

Lone Soldier, my other half uses a site called Homedad, which you might like. He used it a lot when he was a stay-at-home-dad, but now he's back at work and still uses it a lot. A lot of the chat on their is football etc etc, but there is a fair amount of parenting talked about, and relationship issues.

[domesticslattern]

Lonesoldier, just wondering if a book about PND might help you. I did have one by GMTV which I and my husband found helpful but for some reason I can't find it on Amazon. This looks like the closest:

www.amazon.co.uk/Feelings-After-Birth-Postnatal-Depression/dp/0954301803/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&s=books&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21 qid=1223395790&sr=1-7

It is likely to have good tips on how to support your wife, such as very practical things like helping round the house so she has time to herself as well as time with your baby. You are absolutely right to avoid "standing guard" or over-analysing everything she does; that can be quite scary for a mother.

The things which helped me connect with my DD were:

-getting time to myself to go out with friends, and for the two of you to go out as a couple

-doing fun and intimate things together with my baby like swimming, sharing a bath, going on holiday

-putting a couple of lovely photos of me with DD smiling around the place, to remind myself I'm a good mother (cheesey I know)

-talking with my health visitor and other mothers

-posting on Mumsnet!- she is welcome to join us!

-regular exercise, and always getting out and about every day religiously

-a healthy diet- especially not skipping meals or eating junk

-counselling.

I know some of these sound obvious but they can really help. I hope the ADs work, and good luck.