What the heck's going on with me? Trapped inside??

[mybumpsaboy]

Well I knew everything in my life lately had a huge effect on me...outwardly I've kept my sense of humour etc. But being cheated on for a little girl all through my pregnancy & then left for her....not to mention all the general mindgames etc...

I've been on holiday with my Dad, who hasn't seen me since that relationship began to go wrong. And he keeps commenting on how quiet I am. My Mum has mentioned it too. & they're right....day by day I'm getting more & more introverted. I feel like I'm trapped inside myself, just gazing out in a kind of disinterested blur. I don't have the energy or motivation to make conversation, to do anything & I can't seem to find any joy in anything at all (although I do appreciate beautiful scenery, nice weather, company etc just all inside myself...can't share it).

I'm TERRIFIED of being alone now. If I've got an evening where I'm not seeing a friend, or my Mum isn't v chatty on the phone, I literally have panic attacks...get so antsy and feel like loads of anger welling up, but I can't cry- I barely ever actually physically cry now although I always feel like I want to. & I'm utterly fixated on how alone I am...my only comfort is the little one in my tummy but I think over & over about how thre'll be days when his daddy takes him away & it's just me. I have to go to sleep, or count over & over on my fingers how many friends I have in the world, even if some are really just acquaintances, to get myself to calm down.

I feel stupid...& worthless...& most of the time ugly, espec now I'm getting more pregnant. I can't understand what's wrong with me: why potential friends cut me off because I'm too intense & hard work...why I nearly got sacked from my job because they say I'm arrogant (how can I be arrogant when I'm destroyed inside & scared of everything & everyone???) ...& most of all I can't get my head round why my baby's father did this to me, why he couldn't just love me

He went round telling everyone I was a psychopath. He constantly makes comments on facebook about my sanity. When he was shagging the teen behind my back, he'd publicize to all our friends every time I confronted him about it ....& tell them all I was mad. Now my Mum's trying to make me see a GP for depression. I don't WANT To be labelled with depression, I think that's a cop-out....I don't want to believe I'm crazy.

I'm just so incredibly tired & drained & sick of feeling like this & scared that I've lost all sense of who "I" am as a person, or that I'm fading away

[BoysAreLikeDogs]

Okay

First of all, depression is an illness, not a failure.

If you had a broken leg you would not hesitate to get it sorted, no?

Please go to a doctor, start out on the road to recovery.

You have had a terrible time.

Good luck.